Original subtitles

♪♪ [up-tempo]

[Quill] Live from Conjunction Arena, it's...

Captured from his humble, backwater home world by space pirates,

awesome earthman Peter Quill fulfilled his cosmic destiny

as the one, the only, Star-Lord!

He gathered a plucky band of helpers, the legendary Guardians of the Galaxy,

and led them to vanquish the Mad Titan Thanos.

[coins clinking] With the galaxy saved,

Star-Lord was handsomely rewarded,

so he decided to pursue the noble goal

of producing the finest entertainment

his units can buy.

And here's Star-Lord!

♪♪ [ends]

[announcer] Please applaud now.

He will pay you handsomely. [cash register bell dings]

[cheering] ♪♪ [resumes]

[laughs] Oh! Oh, thank you!

Thank you! Oh, for me? Really?

Oh, you are too kind.

Okay, well, welcome to the show.

First of all... [chuckles]

I have to apologize for the condition of our set.

Note to self: never book Black Bolt on a talk show.

♪♪ [rim shot]

[audience member coughs]

A talk show.

You know, 'cause Black Bolt can--

He can destroy a planet with his voice.

[audience member sneezes]

[cricket chirping]

What? It's how we laugh on my planet.

Okay, thank you for that.

Well, I'd like to open the show with a song for you,

and it goes a little something like this.

♪♪ [rock]

♪ Sta-- ♪

[newscaster] We interrupt this broadcast

to bring you a breaking news report.

Nova Corps is in pursuit of a stolen Star Blaster.

Let's see if we can zoom in on the cockpit

and get a look at the thieves. [siren wailing]

[newscaster] If you're just joining us, Nova Corps is in pursuit

of a stolen Star Blaster. [siren wailing]

This just in.

The thieves have contacted our newsroom.

They are described as an unidentified plant

and a rodent of some kind.

I am Groot.

And I ain't no rodent!

Nova Corps considers these culprits armed,

limbed, and extremely dangerous.

We'll keep you updated as the situation develops.

♪♪ [rock]

♪♪ [ends] Yes!

Can we get them to clap louder?

[cash register bell dings]

[beeping]

[cheering, applauding]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Hey, not so loud. [chuckles]

Okay, so I'm really looking forward to my first guest,

one of my closest friends,

a certain golden-haired prince of Asgard...

Thor-- Thor was not available?

So, who did we get? Did we get Odin?

Heimdall? Angela?

Oh, wait. Please tell me it's not-- [thunderclap]

♪♪ [fanfare]

'Tis I, Fandral!

Huzzah!

[cheering, swooning]

Huzzah, Star-Lord!

Whoa! You know, I gotta pay for all this!

I see you've gotten out of the galaxy-saving game.

Probably best for everyone, eh? [laughing]

[audience laughing] [audience member clapping]

No. I've decided to pursue a higher calling--

entertainment.

Is that what you call this?

[slurps]

Huzzah! [cup shatters]

[applauding, cheering]

[beeping]

Hey, those are expensive.

Aye. [grunts]

Only the finest of quality for a denizen of Asgard.

[grunts] Huzzah!

[cheering]

Huh. Forgive me.

I forgot how puny and frail everything is in this realm.

Okay, yeah, thanks for dropping by, Fandral,

but I'm afraid that's all the time we have tonight. [snaps fingers]

What do you mean we have ten more minutes to kill?

Oh, it's quite all right, friend. There's been enough dying

on this stage tonight, huh? [laughter]

Well, the only thing that died tonight

is whatever crawled up and croaked on your upper lip.

♪♪ ["Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits"] [audience] Ohh!

Do you mock my "moostache," sir?

"Mustache."

"Moostache"! All right, "whatoover."

I'll bet it's not even real. [grunts]

I assure you 'tis quite real.

I've had it since I was a baby.

Seriously? You had a moustache...

as a baby.

[cries]

[both grunting]

[crash] [both shouting]

♪♪ [instrumental]

[announcer] Coming soon, real aliens,

real crime, real justice.

[yowling]

It's N.O.V.A.S.!

[siren wailing]

Filmed on location

with the beings of Nova Corps.

All suspects are presumed innocent

until proven guilty by galactic tribunal.

[Corpsman Dey] After responding to a call

from an escaped pod drifting in space,

I'm escorting the civilian

to a nearby Nova Corps station.

Never too busy to rescue a damsel in distress.

Call me a damsel again-- What?

...and I'll give you distress.

[thud] Uhh!

Looks like we got ourselves a 224-B.

That's Nova code for "suspicious interstellar vehicle."

[siren wailing]

Okay, sir, I need to see your astrogation license

and starship registration, please.

Uh, why? D-D-Did I do something wrong, Corpsman?

Yeah, I'm gonna need to pop your cargo bay.

Y-Y-You don't want to do that.

I-- I-- I mean... [nervous chuckle]

not that there's anything illegal in there.

[roaring]

[shouting]

I-- I have no idea how that got in there.

How much? Seriously?

Ugh, this is costing me a fortune.

I can't believe-- ♪♪ [up-tempo]

Hey-hey! Welcome back!

Well, um, as you can see,

Fandral couldn't stick around,

but we have another round of fantastic guests.

Who's up next?

Canceled? Everyone?

But th-- But that means there's no show.

On the contrary. The show's just getting started.

As your official automated announcer,

I have been authorized to say

it's time for our surprise segment...

[cheering]

Wait. What?

Authorized by who?

Behind each door is one of your ex-girlfriends.

And all three are just dying to see you again.

Three! Two!

One! Two!

Yeah, I don't want to open any of those doors.

We could always bring back Fandral.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

[audience laughs, cheers]

Look, how about I just sing us all another song?

[crash]

[gasping]

Hey!

Lucy and Supergiant. Wow!

You're not still mad at me

for all those times I never called, are you?

[roaring]

[droid announcer] Welcome back-a.

We've ambushed-- [stammering]

surprised Peter Quill [shouting]

with a visit from two of his ex-girlfriends.

Let's watch the sparks fly.

Lucy, Supergiant, look,

why don't we talk this out?

You're not smooth-talking your way

out of this, Quill!

You're a lying, flarg-faced, krutackin' cheapskate!

[gasping] And those are your good qualities!

Oh! Lucy sends Quill flying!

And here comes Supergiant

with a Centauri Suplex-a!

Ohh! Gee.

[Supergiant] Hyah!

Whoa!

No!

Come on. Take it easy.

I gotta pay for all this stuff.

[growling]

You care more about units

than either one of us!

No! You got it all wrong, baby.

You're the whole reason I'm doing this show--

just so I can sing our song to you,

to the whole galaxy.

Oh.

Really?

I thought you didn't go

for public displays of affection.

See, that's where I realized I was wrong.

I need to sing what I have in my heart--

our song.

Aww!

Ahem.

♪♪ [up-tempo]

Your song?

You said this was our song!

Is that true, Quill?

I mean, it's a really great song.

Aah!

Ladies, please don't make me do this.

Where's my Element Blasters?

Fandral.

Hyah! Uhh!

Hee-yah!

Aah!

Do you hunger for the finest grilled carcasses

in the galaxy?

Do you hunger for the finest grilled carcasses

in the galaxy?

Then come fill your belly at Drax the Flame Broiler.

Orloni on a stick.

Grukworm on a stick.

And, of course, corn dogs.

The secret ingredient is fire.

Here at Drax the Flame Broiler,

we have an important slogan--

"We make food, you eat it,

and then you pay us for the food."

Destroy your hunger at Drax the Flame Broiler. [animal lows]

[announcer] Currently under repair due to fire damage.

Nova Corps received a number

of health and safety complaints about this place.

We're gonna take a look around.

Fire is an unruly and untrustworthy ally.

We got reports of possible illegally obtained meat and--

Aah!

Drax, I think we met your meat supplier earlier.

Uhh!

Duh-- aah--

[blade slicing]

Aah!

Those are for the corn dogs!

We're back, I guess.

Supergiant and Lucy had to run.

[droid announcer] You paid them off.

We came to a mutually beneficial business arrangement.

You gave them units,

and they stopped beating you up.

Only now you're broke.

Okay, you know what? Forget it.

No show is worth this.

I quit!

[buzzer buzzes]

Peter Quill,

you've just said the Secret Phrase-a

of Certain Doom!

[gasping]

Since when do we have a "Secret Phrase

of Certain Doo--oom"?!

[whimpering]

Acid?

[cheering]

What kind of announcer are you?

[Grandmaster] He's an excellent announcer.

He's just not your announcer.

Grandmaster?

Indeed. And while your show

has a certain slow-motion disaster appeal, I guess,

I'm afraid the whole enterprise

was actually an elaborate and artfully constructed game.

Thank you for playing.

You're...welcome?

I'm afraid you've gone over budget,

and so, alas, the game is over.

You lost. You're canceled, Star-Lord,

permanently.

All things considered,

I'd rather have Fandral back!

[Grandmaster chuckles] This trap

is a test of Star-Lord's skill as an escape artist.

[cheering]

[grunting]

Oh. So there is a way to escape.

Oh, I never said that.

The best games are rigged.

[Corpsman Dey] We're responding to a call

for backup on a zed-015,

stolen vehicle.

These light speed pursuits

never end well.

[siren wailing]

Attention, stolen Star Blaster.

Pull into orbit and cut your power.

Rocket, Groot, what are you doing?

Pull over now.

Oh, hey, Gammy, Drax.

We got a bit of a situation here.

I talked to Nova Prime,

and she said it's all a big misunderstanding.

Just return the Star Blaster,

and she'll drop the whole thing.

Wh-Why didn't you say so in the first place? [alarm blaring]

I am Groot.

[alarm continues blaring]

[Rocket] So, uh, when we return the ship,

does it have to be in one piece?

[both scream]

They're going to crash.

Deploying energy restraints.

[Gamora] Reverse engines!

I'm at full throttle! It's no good!

[laughing] Now, this is law enforcement.

[Gamora] Our ships are heading straight for Conjunction City.

[alarm continues blaring] [both yell]

[screeching]

Ha! Game over! I win!

Oh, no. I determine when this game is over!

And the Grandmaster always wins!

Yep. Probably should have seen that coming.

[aircraft approaching]

Aah! Ohh!

[crash]

You saw my show! I knew you guys would come to save me!

Uh, sure. We'll go with that.

Which means you owe me one.

♪♪ [up-tempo]

How's this for a surprise reunion show? The...

Let's hear it!

[audience member clapping]

Really? No love for the Guardians?

We only saved all of your lives,

like two or three times, at least!

What about you, cricket guy?

Wait, wait, wait.

You were in the Guardians of the Galaxy?

Uh...

Are those Fruxian Acid Piranhas?

I'm gonna need to see your Deadly Exotic Marine Creatures permit.

This is my game, and we play by my rules.

Act three finale mode: engage!

Activating.

Destroying the Guardians now!

[Quill] Didn't see that coming.

[cheering]

Aah!

[groaning]

That's not gonna hurt,

as the Robo-Announcer deploys an energy shield.

What will hurt? This laser beam!

Ooh! Dah!

[cheering]

I am Groot!

And now a word from our sponsor--

Farmer Jorp's Weed-radicator!

[coughs]

[cheering]

Quill, Gamora, Rocket, Drax-a,

I have been programmed with a complete breakdown

of your skills, weapons, and signature moves.

Guys, this dude is like a giant "Best Of" album.

It knows all of our greatest hits.

I do not know what those words mean, Quill,

but it has not seen my greatest hit.

Yaah!

[cheering]

Bravo!

Yaah!

So predictable.

Perhaps Drax should stick with flame broiling.

Charging overhand swing.

Backhand sweep.

One-handed spin attack.

[grunting]

Reverse combination double-slash.

Ah, Gamora opens

with a classic Ferocappa attack,

but finds it useless

against her multi-servo-ed opponent.

Then I'll just have to cut you down to size. Hyah!

[audience cheering]

Oh, yes!

[Gamora shouts]

Gamora manages to narrow the odds-a.

Huh!

I'm telling it like it is, folks,

and this is spectacular.

Gamora will not be denied.

Hyah!

No, no, no, no, no!

She presses her attack,

but will her overconfidence be her undoing?

[groans]

[audience cheering]

The answer, sadly, is yes!

[cheering]

I so do love winning! [chuckling]

Gammy exposed its power core. We gotta take it out!

Fandral stole my Element Blasters.

I got nothing!

[audience cheering]

Boo!

Ha! Nice dud, robo-jerk.

[grunts]

The rodent's arrogant nature

led to his totally foreseeable downfall.

Ohh. Seriously?

And then there was one.

We wonder if Star-Lord has any last words.

As a matter of fact, yes.

What a surprise.

I just want to sing my song,

just the one I've been trying to sing

since the beginning of the show.

I mean, really, is that too much to ask?

I'm already paying for the band,

so fine.

♪♪ [pop rock]

Huh?

D-D-D-D-D-D-Didn't see that coming.

[audience cheering]

[gasping]

[audience cheering]

D-D-D-D-D-D-Didn't see that

[slowing down] coming.

[frustrated yell] This is my game,

and you cheated!

[Fandral] "Moostache"!

[Grandmaster cries out]

[groaning]

[audience cheering]

[chanting] Fandral! Fandral! Fandral! [cheering]

Hey!

This is my win, my show.

About that...

Since you no longer can afford

to pay for this show,

we've decided to make, uh, a few, uh, changes.

Oh, the network has changes. What are the chances?

Direct from Asgard,

it's Huzzah!

Starring your host, Fandral!

[audience cheering]

Huzzah!

Please welcome my very special guest--

me!

[cheering, swooning]

Fandral!