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Woman: Up and down these steps.

Up and down.

Gettin' too old.

Now, don't make me come in that room.

Not even human.

Too much trouble.

Palmer?

Palmer, you awake in there yet?

Palmer?

Palmer!

I haven't the time.

Which pile are you?

Mr. Townsend's still downstairs.

He ain't gettin' a bit happier.

What? I can't understand you

With that thing on your face.

Well, I can't breathe in here with all these germs.

Townsend's downstairs.

Oh, screw townsend.

Open a window, will ya?

You open a window.

I ain't steppin' in this room until it's clean.

Hey, nobody said this job

Wasn't gonna have its hazards.

What are we paying you for?

I ain't paid enough to do this job.

Nobody's ever been paid enough to do this job.

How about a brewski?

Nice grab.

� waking up �

� to the sound �

� that life is beating �

� to the drum �

� heaven bound �

� there's no defeating �

� straight ahead �

� movin' up �

� so don't mind me �

� if you think it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� shake it up �

� take your stand �

� 'cause life could throw you �

� oh, unexpected plans �

� don't be surprised �

� here's a word �

� to the wise, yeah �

� oh, don't mind me �

� if you think it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� your life's a dance �

� gotta take a chance �

� livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� oh, livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo �

� doo doo doo doo �

� doo doo �

� hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm �

� doo doo doo doo �

Man: Palmer!

� doo doo doo- �

What the hell are you doing here?

As your father's special assistant-

You're an ass-kissing joke.

And you're a lazy self-centered twerp

And an embarrassment to your family.

My father's not gonna like you talking like that.

I'm quoting your father.

Oh.

He's telexed me from belgium with some good news.

He's placed you in Hoover academy

For your final year of prep school.

What?

I knew you'd be pleased.

Maybe now you can graduate

Before you're older than the faculty.

You know what they say about Hoover?

It's like going to school in a vacuum.

It's the prep school of last resorts.

Palmer, flunking out of 6 schools in 3 years

Doesn't leave many options.

Kids you started with

Are practicing medicine now.

Does my mother know about this?

She said maybe I shouldn't go to school this year,

I should try to find myself.

You know, I have a very delicate psyche.

Join me in a little canard?

Quack!

I doubt that your mother does know.

She's probably in the caribbean

Sunning her own delicate psyche.

Let me give you the alternative.

If you don't go to school and don't graduate,

You will be cut off.

No trust fund, no allowance.

You will actually have to get-

And forgive me for using the word-

A job.

Thank you.

Bonjour, monsieur.

Bonjour, madame.

A bientot.

May I take your order, monsieur?

Perhaps a little electric shock therapy, Nicky.

You know, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you hold the vin

And give me a couple of dogs?

10 years as maitre d'

In the best french restaurant in town, Eddie.

Old habits die hard,

And then they may want me back.

Here's Nicky,

Handling the books!

I'll tell you something that's worse for you, Eddie-

Those 2 primates dice has got out looking for ya.

Uhh!

I just had to do a little bit of,

Ha, relocation, you know?

You wouldn't, uh...

Happen to have $3,700 I could borrow, would you?

Shit!

Ha ha ha ha.

Anytime before halley's comet gets here.

Wanna shut up?

God damn it!

Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like...

Yes, it is,

It's slicing toward the elm trees!

Who are you, curt fucking gowdy?

Hey, that was your best drive today.

Now, look, shift your weight a little faster like this,

Then you'll lose that slice.

What do you say, Eddie?

Jeez, Eddie, we had a real tough time finding you.

Not tough enough, huh?

Hey, the dice man's really pissed at ya.

Ha ha ha.

Now, that's poor dental hygiene.

I'll tell you what, I'll give you this for your breath,

And you let me go.

Let you go?

And face unemployment in these uncertain times?

Gimme that!

Hey, so how's-

How's the ax-murder business?

I don't know.

It's this prep school thing.

It's throwing my game off.

I'm not psychologically prepared to go.

Well, at least we can still be roommates, you know?

Small compensation, Rand.

Look, I got other plans.

I was supposed to leave for europe in a couple of days.

Besides, Hoover academy.

what do you recommend?

Lessons.

What club, wise-ass?

Aw, if I were you, I'd just stick to kicking.

If you were me, you wouldn't be a caddy.

Hold this, will you?

Yeah.

What difference does it make to my parents

If I go to school or not?

They never see me.

Or each other, for that matter.

what a tragedy.

Ok, boys, watch this.

God damn it!

Get up.

� flex it �

� flex it �

� hard, hard, hard, hard, hard, hard �

What, are you girls practicing

For a palsy contest?

You make me sick, you know that?

Don't wave to him.

He owes me money.

Hey, dice man. The act looks great!

What do you think, mook?

Eddie...

The act sucks.

Now, that's respect.

Why do I get the feeling you've been avoiding me?

I don't know. Maybe 'cause I've been avoiding you?

That's pretty good.

Not, I trust, because of any fiscal difficulty

We might be having?

He bit off an ear for a tenth of what you owe.

I need some more time.

You had time, man. No, I-

You fucked up.

You're a screwup, you know that?

You should not have begun wagering.

So now you must pay

Or suffer.

you decide.

Is there a third choice?

Death by tire wheels.

Ha ha. Eddie, I don't need this pressure.

I don't need this small shit.

Get him outta here. Break his legs.

And then get me some pizza, ok?

With anchovies.

What are you doin'?

Skinny son of a bitch!

You wait, Eddie!

You skinny son of a bitch! I'll grab you!

Aw, shit!

Go ahead, play through, assholes!

God damn it!

God, you know, if it wasn't for those 7 triple bogeys,

I probably would have had a pretty good round.

Ha ha ha.

You know what the joke of this whole prep school thing is?

My parents won't even know if I'm there or not.

That's what really bugs me.

Will you stop complaining?

I mean, being poor

Is worse than going to prep school.

You should ask a poor person.

Who knows any poor people?

If I did, I'd hire one to go to school for me,

And I'd be off to europe.

Yeah, now, that's the remark of a desperate man.

Yeah, well, I'm desperate.

Cheese? Aw, yuck!

Hey, you know somethin'?

Nobody at the school knows what I look like.

My father will be traipsing all over the world on business,

And my mother will just be traipsing.

Why wouldn't it work? Pay some guy, what?

5, 600 bucks a month and a bonus to graduate.

You said it yourself.

Going to school is better than being poor.

Well, yeah, sure, it's a great idea,

But, I mean, where do you propose

To find the idiot to do this?

So, how do you interview a guy for a job like this?

What, do I send for your school records,

Ask for references?

Hey, man, listen, forget the red tape, ok?

I'm considering a lot of other offers.

Yeah, you two should exchange brain scans.

I mean, you're both nuts.

Don't worry, I got an instinct for these things.

Yeah, right.

Uh, I'll cover your monthly expenses,

And there's a $5,000 bonus once I get my diploma.

5,000 bucks?

All right, 10,000, but that's it.

Once you get to Hoover,

My buddy here will show you the ropes.

He may not come from important money,

But he's got a lot of class.

You want the car, too? Test spin.

Isn't that a little steep?

What the hell. I hate the color.

Eddie!

Rand: God, you almost hit those guys!

Feel free to open it up, I mean, jesus.

Rand: I don't know, I don't like it.

You know what I mean?

I'm the one who's gonna have to take the heat

When this Eddie guy screws up, and he's gonna screw up.

So, you just got to make sure that he doesn't.

Look, he can't do any worse than me.

I mean, 7 years, and I still haven't graduated.

Yeah, good for you.

But he doesn't even fit in, you know?

You don't even know this guy.

He may stay a week and decide to take off, huh?

Wrong. Did you see the way

He was looking at my porsche?

Besides, I don't have time to find anybody else.

Hang on a second, chief.

Look, who else can I turn to? You're my best friend.

Yeah. I'm your only friend.

Now, look, as I see it, you know, uh...

Everyone's getting something out of this here but me.

� that's life, that's what they say �

� you're riding- �

Wrong. This is life.

And now, he can't make it without my help,

And I should get paid.

What? Why not?

It's not like I come from really "important money. "

Uhh! Uhh!

Look, pay me half of what you're paying Eddie.

Rand, you have turned into real pond scum.

Yeah, well, you better hurry up.

I'm considering some other offers.

All right, all right.

Come on, will ya? I haven't got all day!

Oh, yes, sir.

I can count on you, can't I?

Sure. Let's...

Let's just hope you can count on Eddie.

Ciao, baby.

I hate school! I'm not going! I won't go!

I'm gonna puke if you make me go to school!

Good-bye, mother, father.

Bye. Nice meeting you.

Good-bye.

Nice tennis racket, kid.

You won't be needing it.

You scratched it.

This is from abercrombie's, and you scratched it.

Can you believe this cheese dip scratched my luggage?

Kill him.

Sing it.

I said sing it, smack. Sing it.

But I didn't memorize it, sir. I didn't know.

You-you didn't know?

You didn't know?

Well, you think you're such a big man

You didn't have to learn the Hoover fight song?

N-no, sir. Sing it.

� Hoover prep, we are for you �

� proud to-to wear the pink and green �

Rand: He's registered to be here.

What's the deal? He should be here by now.

Don't you have his name or anything?

� well, baby �

� you got rhythm �

� you got style �

� you got it made in the shade �

� oh, wow �

� take it easy �

� or take it slow, don't you know �

� you got double trouble �

� high roller... �

Hey.

Yo, Rand!

� ooh, a pretender �

� oh, yeah �

� well, baby �

� you got rhythm �

� you got style �

� you got it made in the shade �

� oh, wow �

� take it easy �

� or take it slow, don't you know �

� you got double trouble �

� you got rhythm �

� you got style �

� you got it made in the shade �

� oh, wow �

� take it easy �

� or take it slow, don't you know �

� you're in double trouble �

� shoop shoop �

Eddie: Ohh!

You actually paid for this room?

Ha. You actually paid for those clothes?

What's wrong with these clothes?

Well, you must be Palmer Woodrow.

My name's Bif. Skip. Reggie.

Great names.

Wish I had a name like Bif.

Yeah, can't get depressed with a name like that.

I mean, it doesn't sound right to say,

"gee, Bif, what's wrong? Are you depressed?"

Great names.

And if I may say,

That is a great outfit, Woodrow.

We were admiring it when you came in.

That is genuine ban-lon, isn't it?

Uh, very nice. It almost feels like something real.

Boy: Ha ha ha ha.

Gosh, I-I really hate to bring this up,

But, uh, Rand, did you tell Woodrow that he's a smack?

Oh, he's a senior. He's a senior, Bif.

What's a smack?

He's still new.

What's a smack?

Smack's a freshman or-or any new kid.

Right. Now, blimp here, well, blimp's a senior,

But he's also the floor demo model.

Hit it, blimp.

Boy: Ha ha.

That'll be all.

Now, smacks must come to attention like that

Whenever a senior passes,

And a smack must always be prepared to sing a song.

You do know the song?

It's your first day. We're gonna let it go.

But you teach him, Rand. It's on your shoulders.

Good to see you again, Bif. See you, buddy.

I'll be talking to you guys later.

What the hell were you doing?

I mean, you are supposed to be Palmer Woodrow.

You're supposed to fit in and lose your stupid personality.

You are supposed to be a preppy,

Or else we can kiss our money good-bye.

Oh, our money?

Yes, yes. I have a stake in this, too, all right?

And you're gonna fit in, because I'm not gonna lose it,

Nor am I gonna take any crap from you

When you screw up.

Now, I'm allergic to cancer, so quit smoking.

Rand: All right, lesson one-

Preppy-come-lately,

Preppy-come-never,

Preppy-forever.

Socks-wear them only to weddings,

And then, well, only if it's your own.

This duck is preppy, all right?

This duck is not.

This woman is preppy.

Thank you very much.

This man is not.

Thank you. Ugh.

Come on. Don't roll cigarettes up in your sleeve.

Learn to love yellow and pink.

A tie's knot should never be bigger than your head.

Clothes, they should look like you inherited them

From your older brother.

Oh, very nice.

Pants-now they should look like you outgrew them

Last year.

Eddie: Preppies must get beat up a lot.

Rand: Are you listening to me?

Wear as many layers as possible,

But not enough to remind you you have any armpits.

You look great.

Things should look neat but never new, all right?

Isn't this a great store?

I mean, you should be proud.

Today we single-handedly

Destroyed the polyester industry. Ha ha ha.

Uh, now, that's not very preppy.

Well, men...

Ha ha! And-and I call you men

Because that's exactly what you are

When you register as seniors here at Hoover academy.

One of you sitting here is gonna be the recipient

Of this year's annual Hoover memorial award.

The symbol of academic and social achievement.

I-I ask you, men, isn't that exciting?

I-I find it exciting.

As exciting as the sense of tradition and honor

That the name Hoover embodies.

Sounds like coach Wordman.

Wordman: I have got tattoos you wouldn't believe,

In uncharted regions.

hello!

What's going on here?

Harriman: I'm welcoming the seniors.

What's going on there?

Is it September already?

Sir, excuse me,

But this is the proctor for the senior dorm?

Why, he's not setting a very good example.

I totally agree with you.

I don't think you understand, sir.

These ladies' car ran out of gas.

I'm merely letting them use my phone.

Let's have a little bit of compassion.

What do you think these are?

I'm just filling them up with gasoline

To bring back to the car.

Ahem, but now that I see these ladies in the light,

I realize they are not women of high moral integrity.

A couple of woof-woofs.

So let's get out of here right now, please.

Perhaps I should be sure

That they are removed from the premises, sir.

Hurry back.

I'm gonna have to.

I've only got about 11 minutes left on my hour. Great.

Hey, wait, wait. Wait, let me help.

Wait a minute. You're not going anywhere, young man.

Just sit down, Mr., uh...

Woodrow, Woodrow, Palmer Woodrow.

Look, it's my only ride into town.

You're not going into town.

Why? Or you're gonna have girls come here?

'cause this place, it's very nice,

But it's very boring.

This is an all-boys preparatory school, Mr. Woodrow.

Boy: First call for breakfast!

First call for breakfast!

First call for breakfast!

Let's go, this is it.

First day.

We got 20 minutes to shower and dress.

Wake me when it's first call for lunch.

Ohh. Ohh!

Oh, thorndike.

Good to see you. Good to see you.

What do you think of this fall weather we're having?

No, I don't like it.

I bought this for you.

It's the weirdest color-

Come on.

Wow. Did you see that?

I'm sorry, I don't see anybody.

We're gonna be late. Come on.

Now, uh, take out your homework

And-and pass it to the front.

Excuse me, professor mueller,

But this is the first day of class.

You haven't assigned any homework yet.

Ah, yes, of course.

You seem to have some papers in your hand.

Perhaps you'd like to pass them out?

Ah. Ah.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Of course.

Now, what you have there

Is a-a psychological profile.

Uh, fill it out.

Then write an essay about yourself.

How do you spell "parole"?

There are no right or wrong answers. Simple.

A child could do it.

Boy: Uh, lookit.

I think this guy's getting ready to blast off.

Hey, guys, guys. Excuse me here.

I find this embarrassing

That we cannot show more respect

To a teacher than this.

Sir, on behalf of Hoover academy,

Well, I apologize.

Boy: Yeah, me, too.

Now, unless all overhead is dramatically curbed

Or there's a marked increase in alumni contributions,

Hoover academy faces financial disaster.

What overhead?

My family gave the land and built most of the buildings.

You haven't even changed a light bulb in 10 years.

Do you have any idea what a financial challenge it is

Running this institution?

Well, if it's that much of a challenge,

Why don't you just close the doors?

Well, I... I-I-I-

I'm afraid I must agree with mother.

Our family has invested more than its fair share

In the school.

It's time the burden was shared by others.

Well, yeah, I quite agree, but-

Well, then do something about it.

Hoover prep can always become

Hoover village condominiums.

Uh...

Well, uh-

Ok, everybody get their overcoats.

Woman in film: Come to me.

Ok.

Now what we have here is the fame masked intruder.

Come to me. Take me.

Hey. Come on.

4 bucks. Take a seat down front.

2 bucks?

Cover one eye.

Ok. What can we learn from this?

Well, height obviously has nothing to do

With genital size.

Or shape.

All right, you guys, what's going on in-

Woman: Come on.

Oh, my god.

Coach. That's 4 bucks.

No, no. I'm not enrolled in this course.

I'm only auditing.

All right, guys, move over.

Oh, god, that's wonderful.

Now it's time to rate the date.

Woman: like that!

Sir, I'm very, very sorry to disturb you like this,

And, well, you know how much I hate

To inform on a fellow student,

But I feel the reputation of the Hoover academy

Is at stake here.

Oh, boy.

Uh, thomas?

You gave them a 7.

Now, why did you give them a 7?

7? 7, what, are you nuts?

How old are you, kid?

14.

Oh. No, that was a 9.

Take my word for it.

That was a 9.

Harriman: All right, what's going on here, huh?

A national geographic film?

You guys can't kid me!

Now, let's get up and out of here.

I'm not gonna tell you again.

All of yas, up, come on, move.

I am surprised at you.

I expected a little more out of you.

Get out of here.

What kind of behavior is th-

They told me it was a national geograph-kids.

Rand: Jeez, you know, Harriman can just suspend you,

So please shape up.

I don't know what you're so worried about.

I'm-I'm a hit! A hit!

People are noticing me!

Yeah, but you see, that's my whole point.

I mean, the perfect credo's not to be noticed,

To have a sense of, I don't know,

Discipline or tradition.

Woodrow, how you doin'?

There's a Muffy Newhouse looking for you.

What's a Muffy?

You know Muffy. You know... Muffy.

Yeah. Muffy.

Now, this is Palmer's longtime girlfriend.

You gotta be careful, ok?

Don't worry. Ok?

Well, just watch what you say, all right?

Yo, Muffy.

Yo. Pardon me.

Nice car. Did you buy this new?

Are you trying to be amusing? Whoever you are.

Bif.

Bif hamilton.

Well, fetch Palmer for me, Bif.

This is just the most wonderful surprise for him-

Me stopping by on my way to mount hollyhock.

Well, actually,

Palmer has a most wonderful surprise for you.

You see, he's not here.

He left campus for a little while.

Damn.

You tell him I was here.

Which is where I expect him to be

The next time I come through.

Man: Hey, slow down, jack. Don't litter on campus.

Coach: Let's go, you guys!

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

If I can stand a regiment, so can you.

Let me have a beer.

You kiddin'? Get back in there.

You're in rotten shape for a teenager.

Well, you're in pretty rotten shape for a phys ed instructor.

You kiddin'? I'm in rotten shape for a human.

It's not my fault, though.

I was born before jogging was invented.

What is your story?

You're not exactly Mr. Alligator shirt.

No story.

You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.

You remind me a lot of myself now.

Look, get back in there. Do, uh...

Do one of somethin'.

Great. Hit the showers. Yo, Palmer.

You guys disgust me!

Hello, pizzas-are-us?

Yes, do you have volume discounts?

Oops. Nope. No points, no points.

Oh, come on.

I told you. You get one point for a direct hit.

You get 2 points if you draw blood.

You just grazed him. It doesn't count.

All right.

Ok, watch this. The pro.

All right. What is this? Bowling for dullards?

You guys pickin' on the blimp again? Nice.

Oh, no, coach, we're not pickin' on him.

We just want him to feel wanted.

Right, blimp?

Oh, sure, yeah. This is the very reason

Why god created fat, neurotic adolescents.

Right, coach?

Blimp: Aah! 2 points.

I apologize, sir,

But contemporary psychologists agree

That this type of eye-hand coordination exercise,

It's very-

Hamilton!

Staple it shut, huh?

All right, you guys. Gather around.

A word to you party animals

About the misspent mixer coming up-

No drinking.

No necking. All: Aw!

No mooning.

No fun.

No kidding.

Coach: All right, guys. A few last-minute tips.

When you meet a girl, compliment her.

And nothin' obvious like, "wow, nice dress. "

Say something different.

When you say somethin' different,

They think you mean it.

Also, use her name a lot.

Girls really get off on that.

With a line like...

"gee, Muffy, I really like your panty-hose,"

That'll work out great, right?

You get that far, you don't need a line.

You should start looking for signs of arousal.

What signs?

Ripping off their panties.

Yeah, there's a hint. Also, nipples.

They're a dead giveaway. They're kind of like

The plastic tab on a purdue chicken.

Pop up to let you know when they're ready.

Ha ha ha.

Coach, they've got medicine for that, you know.

What?

Well, whatever it is you're trying to kill down there.

All right. All right, guys.

In a few minutes, you're gonna line up

To meet your hostess of the evening.

Be polite. Be gentlemen. No pushing, no shoving.

Take the girl that they assign to you

No matter what she looks like.

Remember, dogs have feelings, too.

All right. Now, let's go, huh?

Coach: Let's go!

I hate these things.

Why do I even come to these things?

The whole thing makes me stinkin' nauseous.

All right. How do I look?

Aah!

I'm out of position. Wonderful. Great.

Every time.

Oh, wow.

Hi. I'm Palmer Woodrow. How's tricks?

How's tricks?

What happened back there? I believe that I was-

Let's talk bottom line. I'm in love with you.

No, actually, you're not. You just think you are.

It comes from living in an all-male dorm.

Oh? You lived in one?

Well, yeah, I used to work for the cia,

But... What?

Rand.

Wow. What is it?

I was complimenting my date.

Uh-huh.

I said, "hey, what a great mole. "

Oh, blimp, you didn't.

And she got pissed.

What do you expect?

Well, now what do I do?

Well, I don't know. Don't-look,

Don't ask me. Go ask coach, all right?

Go on. Blimp: All right.

No, thanks.

� ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one �

� when you gonna give me some time, sharona? �

� ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run �

� got me comin' off of the line, sharona �

� runnin' down the length of my thigh, sharona �

It's a little bit on the hawaiian punch side.

So, you're tracy Hoover?

Are you related to the school or something?

Or something.

My great-grandfather founded it.

Yeah? That's too bad he didn't found it someplace warmer.

Well, I guess he wasn't thinking.

Well, that's ok. It happens to me sometimes, too, you know.

You're gonna think I'm crazy.

No, never.

Wait, you haven't heard it yet.

It's like this. I mean, the first moment I saw you,

I mean, it was wow!

I was nailed. Gone. Dead.

I didn't even know you, and you're breakin' my heart.

I'm flattered, I think.

Well, you should be,

'cause I've only felt that way about pia zadora.

Excuse me. I believe there was

Some sort of confusion on the line, Woodrow.

You see, daphne here was to be your escort,

And tracy was to be mine.

Believe me, there was no confusion.

Everything is copacetic. Let's dance.

Just don't look at me.

� ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one �

� when you gonna give me some time, sharona? �

� ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run �

� got me comin' off of the line, sharona �

So, what's the story with you and Bif?

We date. Why?

Oh, yeah?

Do you enjoy dating boring guys?

Where did they get these morticians from?

Hey, you guys know anything from the 20th century?

All right.

Break time!

Band member: 1, 2...

1, 2, 3!

That's right. He's my best friend.

He learned it from me. Uh-huh.

Come on, tracy, what do you say?

Why don't we get out of here?

I've got a little cold pheasant,

Some champagne in the car.

No, no. Not now.

� I said there's something I was bound to do �

Look at him. He's really terrific, isn't he?

Tracy, I just bought the new neil diamond tape.

� ooh, you got me, yeah �

� ooh, I'm yours �

� ooh, you can't stop me, girl �

� you're so sexy, you're really cool �

This man is gonna wrinkle his clothes.

All right, Palmer!

What are you guys doin'? I can't see!

Come on! Come back!

I can't see anything. Look, will you just give me 'em?

Oops. Oh, come on, Rand. Dunk for 'em.

Come on. Look...

Ha ha ha!

You geeks dunk for them.

Oh, buzz off, Palmer.

Or do you want to dunk for 'em?

Sure.

Oh, right. Captain flashdance.

� dum, dum, dum, to the rescue �

� dum, dum, dum, dum �

You have had it, buddy!

Get him! Get him!

Hey, you know, no one's ever really

Stuck up for me like that before.

Thanks.

Was that part of the preppy credo, too?

Come on.

God...

That Palmer is such an ass.

Harriman: When you attend a function,

Like that dance last night,

You don't just represent yourself,

You represent Hoover academy,

Which made your actions even that much more offensive.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

You're all dismissed, except for you, Mr. Woodrow.

Well, it hasn't taken you long

To become a disruptive element around here, has it,

Mr. Woodrow?

Well, I'm a fast worker.

Do you get cable here?

'cause look. Whoa. A lot of snow here.

I mean, it must be the antenna.

You're testing me, right? Huh?

Want to find out how far your boundaries go?

And how far you can push. You see?

Yeah, I know about those things.

So, let me give you an answer.

You can't push too far, so straighten up,

Because right now your toe's on the line

With old darby Harriman here. Out.

Rand: Look, if you impress tracy enough

To be invited to the Hoover ball,

You better learn from the master

How to behave.

That's great. Now watch.

You have to walk the right way in a dinner jacket, all right?

Yeah, that's it. That's good.

That's good, too, blimp. All right.

Oh, that's great. You see how he did it?

I mean, you don't just, like, stick it in your face,

Light it, and suck. You gotta have style with it.

Yeah, like that. That's good.

Bartender: May I help you, sir?

Chivas and soda, please.

You look like a chivas man.

Nothing for me. I don't indulge.

Well, Mr. Woodrow, I've read about your father.

He's somewhat of an industrial mystery man,

Isn't he?

Well, he is to me, sir.

Say, did you tie this thing?

Wow! You did! That's a bitch.

You ought to invest in one of these.

It's only a few dollars,

But it's well worth it, sir.

Proves my point. Money can't buy breeding.

I'd say you can't rent it, either.

Excuse me, madam.

Wonderful gathering. Wonderful gathering.

Hi. Hi.

Your father talks great. Is he a foreigner?

Uh, no. Close, though.

He did go to harvard.

Eddie: Great ducks.

You like them?

Those are the famous peabody ducks.

They live upstairs on the roof,

And every morning, they come down

To play in the fountain.

Hey, yo, duck. Are you preppy or regular?

Quack! God, these things are so cute.

Oh, they're even cuter with a bing cherry sauce.

What's wrong, Woodrow?

The bowling leagues didn't meet tonight?

Bif. Palmer, we're going up to the ballroom now, ok?

Mother.

Go ahead on up. I'll be right up.

Could you please take this?

Hey!

Hey. If it makes you feel any better,

You're not the first person to do that.

Well, it doesn't.

Why don't you go up with your friends?

Why?

Because I'm not going upstairs like this

And be the party dork.

Ah. Well, it is gonna be pretty boring.

I really don't feel like going up myself.

It is a shame to waste all these nice clothes.

Come on. Why don't we do something really elegant?

Yeah.

I love this kind of food,

'cause you never have to clean up.

I don't have to clean up.

What does yours say?

"oh, a-boy,

A-you are going to a-score tonight. "

Mine says,

"oh, a-boy,

Is this guy you're with a dreamer or what?"

What.

You know, you don't seem like a Palmer Woodrow.

What does that mean?

You know.

Palmer Woodrow.

It's just too stuffy for words.

you're not like that.

You're...

Human?

Yeah.

Well, Palmer Woodrow is my nickname.

Eddie is my real name.

Eddie?

Well, actually, um, Eddie's my middle name.

Palmer "Eddie" Woodrow?

I think I'll call you Palmer.

Besides, I don't think my parents

Would let me date an Eddie.

Would they let you kiss one?

Mr. Hoover: Mr. Woodrow.

I think we've seen quite enough of you tonight.

Bif: Well, you know how I hate

To talk about a fellow student, sir,

But, uh, it's Palmer Woodrow.

Get to the point, hamilton.

He's just not our kind.

And it pains me

To see the Hoover image stained like this.

Stained?

Stained.

Besmirched.

Especially when Hoover's in such need of contributions.

Why, when I told my father what happened last night,

He said he didn't know if he could support a school

That would tolerate a Palmer Woodrow.

All right, hamilton, what did happen last night?

Well, gosh, sir, I hate to, uh...

Hamilton!

Woodrow got very drunk last night

At the, uh, Hoover charity ball.

He humiliated the students and the Hoovers.

Believe me, sir, all the Hoovers want to see him out.

Come on! Get out of there!

Would you- move over to the-

Stupid game.

Mccrowsky, get over here! Right there!

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh! Get back to the bench!

Come on, we've got it!

Attention! Attention! You guys suck!

Hoover! Hoover! Hoover!

What the hell is Woodrow doing?

Diversionary tactic, sir?

Hey!

He's crazy.

He's cute, though. Yeah.

He's real cute.

She's got her eye on Palmer.

Look at that ass Woodrow.

Get-what are you doing with that?

All right, get in there.

And try not to fall down again.

Aah!

Eddie: Yo!

Let's show him some fancy stick work, huh?

Wise up, asshole.

Isn't this a terrific surprise?

Muffy drove all the way from mount hollyhock.

Shame she missed Palmer, huh?

So, uh, we'll entertain her. What do you say, buddy?

Poor baby.

God, you have terrible posture.

I'm always telling Palmer to stand up straight.

You take it easy, buddy. See you later?

Look...

I want to explain about that girl.

Ha. There's no explanation needed.

I just didn't think she was your type.

She's not.

You are.

Look, I-I want to go out with you tonight.

well, I'm busy.

Come on, let's go.

Forever?

Tracy.

Tracy, come on!

Tracy!

Everybody out here! It's fire drill!

Fire drill time!

Let's make it quiet.

Let's make it quick.

All right?

Go!

Code blue.

Come on.

17 minutes and 11 seconds

For a fire drill?

I am disappointed.

Boy: Move over.

Have you seen Palmer anywhere?

Uh-uh.

Blimp: Oh, god. Rand.

Tracy: Hello?

Eddie: Hi, tracy.

shit.

I don't have anything to say to you, ok?

Tracy. Palmer.

Tracy. Tracy, come here.

If people have enough money,

They ought to be taught how to spend it properly.

Tracy, would you kindly inform Palmer Woodrow

That you understood his admiration

After the first 6 dozen roses?

Anything more is wretched excess.

Tracy: Oh, Palmer.

When you told me how much you loved riding,

I couldn't remember whether you said

You preferred a hunter-jumper,

A tennessee walker,

Or just a good old-fashioned trail horse.

It doesn't matter.

We're going to have time to do everything.

Regis. Regis: Yes.

Tracy: Mr. Woodrow here is an expert rider.

Regis: Why don't you mm-hmm. Saddle up

Chained lightning for him, ok?

You're going to love this horse.

He's great.

I'll meet you outside, ok?

I'll saddle the motherfucker,

But I sure hope you got life insurance.

Um...

Whoa, whoa, lightning.

It's me, regis.

I ain't going to play with you now.

You got anything old and slow

In maybe a white, a light brown?

You don't know a damn thing about horses, do you?

Well, that's not true.

That, uh, thing-

That big thing that she was on out there,

That's a horse, right?

That ain't no horse.

This is a horse.

Heh heh heh heh!

You know, acting crazy ain't going to help you none.

Yeah, but if I break my leg,

I'm not going to have to ride him.

Chained lightning's going to break more than that.

Tracy: I'm going to go warm up buttercup.

Easy.

What are these for?

You steer with them.

But most important,

Pull hard to stop-

Real hard.

How do you make it move?

All you got to say

Is g-o.

Just say go?

aah!

This is how you take a boot off.

Turn around.

No, no. Face the other way.

Come on. Trust me.

Now you-you pull,

I'll push. Ready?

Yeah? Ok. Yeah.

Now, I don't want to put your horse-

Put your horse down or anything,

But it's got no heart.

See, it just saw that flock of cobras,

And, I don't know, it just jumped up,

Reared, and just threw me.

Oops.

Cobras, my ass.

regis...

Why did you bring 3 glasses?

Well, I thought he might want some.

Regis...

Haven't you got something to do?

I'm doing it.

Look...

You don't have to pretend for me.

What?

I know all about you

And your family.

What-what do you mean?

My father told me.

The sense of tradition

And social belonging

And feeling comfortable with your wealth-

It all comes in time.

You don't have to feel embarrassed,

And you don't have to try to impress me

Just because you come from new money.

You see,

What's important is that you are what you are.

You're genuine.

That's what I like about you.

Yeah, me, too.

Ha ha ha ha!

Regis.

I'm going, I'm going.

Uh, holler if you want any more.

� morning, afternoon, and night �

� we lay together side by side �

� searchin' for lust �

� searchin' for breath �

� searchin' for the touch of life �

� no words are spoken �

� the only sound we hear is �

� body talk �

� the heat of passion �

� is such a beautiful thing �

� as it overflows �

� pleasure grows �

� all the dreams it can bring �

� mmm, you're using your eyes �

� and gentle sighs �

� with body talk �

� body talk �

� clean and calm, so soft and pure �

� a touching moment �

� inner feelings, once explored �

� but have noted �

� we were 2 souls torn apart �

� with bitter pages �

� through expression, not aggression �

� we have become �

� one �

� body talk �

Men...

For the past 5 years,

Hoover academy

Has averaged the lowest s. A.T. Scores

In the english-speaking world.

Student: Yay, Hoover.

Well, that ends today.

I'm going to give you guys

A few cardinal rules to follow.

First of all...

It is almost never the letter "e. "

Good luck.

Boy: Yeah, wait up.

� flex it �

� flex it tonight �

Dice man.

Woman: Hi, Eddie.

Nicky, what are you doing here?

Eddie, what?

No christmas card?

No valentine candy?

I'm a very delicate human being.

Yeah, I was gonna...

I was gonna call you, you know?

You've caused me a great deal of hurt,

Not to mention

Causing Nicky a great deal of pain.

Yeah, well, I was going to come and see you.

I mean, there was-

I don't doubt it. I don't doubt it.

Shut your mouth when I talk to you.

Get over here.

We've got a problem.

You see, you owe me

$10,625.

3,700.

Interest.

Are you prepared at this point in time

To make full restitution?

When you say "at this point in time," do you mean now?

Yeah.

No.

Eddie, not good. Wrong answer.

You know, you look like a fish when I do-

Look at him. Look, like a gup-

Hey, you punks can be hamburger meat

In 60 seconds.

Cop a walk.

The beauty of it is, they think I'm kidding.

Heh heh heh! I crack myself up, you know that?

Listen, Eddie, Eddie,

I understand you're being paid a considerable sum

To attend Hoover academy.

No. I get the money when I graduate.

The interest alone will bury you,

But I'll tell you what-

You're enterprising.

Find a way.

You got 72 hours.

Eddie: Ok, 9.

9's the point.

The point is 9.

Earn while you learn, boys.

Earn while you learn.

Give it a little touch here. Yeah.

Boy: Lights out. Lights out.

All: Aw...

Boy: 7.

That's a loser.

I thought 7 was a winner.

Only on the come out one.

Ok? Only on the come out one.

But a 7 is very close.

It's very close.

You're getting the hang of this game.

Come on, sidney, give it a try.

Try it.

Come on, sidney, let's go.

Come on. You can do it.

I'm here to help you.

You baby.

Eddie: Coach?

I want to settle yesterday's bets.

You played the lakers. The lakers are losing.

Come on, sidney, let's go.

Let's give it a try here.

Come on. I'm right here. I'm going to help you over.

All right, Woodrow, what do I owe you?

110 bucks.

110 bucks? Aah!

Somebody want to get the first aid kit?

And a mop.

Let me say once again

That whatever grant your foundation designates

For the Hoover academy,

It'll be greatly appreciated

And immediately reflected in improvements

That will impact student life.

We want to thank you again for coming.

It's just a pleasure to have you on the campus.

Take a look at our facility.

And by the way, let me remind you

About the reception tonight.

Be sure to attend. It'll give you a chance

To meet some of the other faculty members,

As well as some of our representative students.

Yeah.

Rand: Well, maybe this dice man character

Will take a check.

Oh, oh, Muffy called you earlier.

You mean Palmer or Bif?

Palmer. She's pissed because you've been avoiding her.

Said she'd be here this weekend

For a confrontation. Heh heh.

What's the difference?

I'm going to be dead by this weekend anyway.

Palmer: � la la la la la �

� la la la la la �

Hey!

Bonjour, boys.

Palmer, what-what are you...

What the hell are you doing here? Yeah.

I'm checking up on my investment.

Do you mind?

Hey, who is reading this?

I mean, give me a break, will ya?

Emily post does not know dick about etiquette.

I've been through this whole book,

And there's not one chapter on farting.

Hey! Hey!

Man, this is pinpoint oxford.

Well, aren't you Mr. Hoity-toity?

I thought you were in europe

Or in a turkish prison or something.

Paris ain't all it's cracked up to be

In the springtime, mon frere.

Besides, it's amazing

How suspicious your parents can get

When you're using their credit cards, you know?

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Rand, will you get your skinny ass

Off my fries, please?

Aw, look at that.

God.

Palmer...

You know,

You being here,

You may be able to solve a few problems.

Yeah? Like what?

Like Muffy, who has been looking for you

All year long.

And what else?

Who's this guy, the auto shop teacher?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Hey, the 72 hours isn't up yet.

Auto shop teacher?

Heh. How amusing.

Heh heh heh. Get over here.

Rand: Wait, you can't-aah!

What's this, gumby goes to school?

Get over here.

If you don't kill me,

I'll buy you a new gold chain.

Save your money for a pine box.

Get in here.

Eddie.

I don't have the money that you want,

So you're wasting your time and your very fine wardrobe.

You know, Eddie,

It greatly disturbs me that being in my presence

Makes you want to shit in your pants.

This is a celebration.

I have made a momontous decision.

After consultating with Nicky,

I find the only way I have to collect my money

Is if you graduate, am I correct?

Yes.

Fine.

Now, because I love you like a brother-

And I mean that, Eddie.

It comes from the heart. I mean it-

The left aorta, the vein that pumps love.

I'm gonna cut you a deal.

You're to collect $10,000 when you graduate.

Keep 50 bucks for yourself,

And I get the rest.

50 bucks?

Now, you're not being released

Totally on your own recognizance.

I mean, you've been known to screw up in the past.

For this very reason,

Nicky and myself will remain

To make sure you do not so choose

To do so again.

Um, I-I don't think

That this is a very good decision.

I, however,

Think it's a brilliant idea-

Brilliant.

Is there now a full understanding

Between all parties concerned, Eddie?

Uh, if that means you and me,

Yes.

Good.

Let us now commence...

celebrating.

Dice: Yo, we ran out of chicks.

Hey, dice, dice.

You know, if I get kicked out,

You're not going to get any of your money.

What, you can't have a little fun?

I'm going to entertain your friends.

What are you worried about? Here.

Don't worry about it.

Everybody out, ok?

Just-just- just go, ok?

All: Ooh.

Rand: Help! Ah ha!

Ah ha! Ah ha!

Palmer, help!

� this is the end �

Mommy!

� you make your choice, and now the chance is over �

� I thought I was in �

� you put me down and see I'm goin' nowhere �

would you lay off the skull?

I-I-I work a long time on my head,

And you rattle my brains.

It-I get confused, you know what I mean?

It's good stuff. Ha ha.

This must be the building.

Hear the music?

It must be upstairs.

My, it's awfully loud, isn't it?

Well, Mr. Harriman said there'll be some students here.

I guess that's why.

You know, I have very good feelings

About this school.

And I'm usually right about these things.

You should be paying me to go here, man.

You're a jerk. This is a school.

I know. Is this some fabulous educational system?

Huh? Huh?

Party's over!

Boy: Fire!

Good god, this could be flammable!

There's a fire!

Pbbt.

Oh!

You two stay here.

This could be dangerous.

You disappoint me, Woodrow.

You really disappoint me.

Your academic achievement

Showed such promise,

And now this.

You cost this school a much needed grant

Because you're cavorting all over the Hoover campus

With some-who knows what kind of trash.

I don't understand you.

I mean, you come from a good f-

Well, a rich family.

Level with me, Woodrow, will you?

You're not some kind of a mental case, are you?

Because I don't need that right now.

I really don't.

Starting today, you are on probation.

And if you want to continue your education

At the Hoover academy,

I suggest you get your father here immediately.

Um...

Well, my father, he's- he's in europe on business.

That's your problem.

Get him here.

Well, forget it, man. You'll never get my father here.

You're talking about blowing the whole thing.

I never quite got the hang of this game, did you?

Look, look...

If I don't produce a father,

The whole thing's gonna blow lunch.

Don't get testy with me.

I'm doing my share. I'm taking care of Muffy,

And I'm supplying the capital.

Well, make sure you do take care of Muffy.

I mean, she could blow this whole thing for us.

Look, will you guys not sweat it, please?

Tact is my middle name.

How could I let us drift apart like that?

How could I forget how much I want you?

I must have you...

Now!

Eee! Aah!

That was fabulous.

Oh, jeez, I got a red sox game I got to see.

Look, it was great for me.

I hope it was fabulous for you.

Ahh.

Alphonse. Alphonse.

Alphonse. Hey, hey, I'm through, ok?

Knock it off, will you? Here's for your trouble.

Better be getting back to the restaurant.

Oh, by the way, I never want to see you again.

Send in Mr. Woodrow and his father.

Mr. Woodrow.

Well, I wish we were meeting

Under different circumstances.

I appreciate your coming.

Well, one must always make time

For one's children.

Right. Yeah.

Of course. Ahem.

Oh. Thank you. Uh...

Now, I'm sure that you can appreciate

That education is my life.

I mean, my love.

Now, I'm convinced that there's no such thing

As a bad boy.

Believe me, those convictions have been tested

By your son.

I know Palmer is not perfect.

He's no chateau lafitte-rothschild '56,

But he ain't-he isn't beaujolais '76, either,

Which, as we all know,

Showed great promise, but failed to develop.

Palmer will develop-

Robustly.

That's an interesting analogy.

It's not one that I would've thought of,

But probably quite accurate.

But don't think that I fail to appreciate

What you're doing-

The service that Hoover prep

Renders these boys.

In fact,

I was contemplating

Some way of expressing my appreciation.

Uh, perhaps...

You could help me.

Yes.

Yeah. As a matter of fact,

Absolutely.

Well, you know, the old library

Has served us well for years, but now...

I've always wondered what that building was.

Well, tradition has its place,

But a better library

Means better students.

The Woodrow memorial library.

Uh, dad, don't you have a plane to catch?

Back to mars.

Functional, I suppose,

But hardly contemporary.

The james beard gymnasium.

You don't mind if I call it

After one of my personal heroes?

The dormitories- I must see those.

A pleasant ambiance is essential.

Well, Mr. Woodrow,

I feel much better about Palmer-

Much better.

In fact, I see no reason why

He should remain on probation.

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk. No favoritism.

If Palmer is on probation,

Then he must earn his way off.

What?

That's a refreshing sentiment.

Oh...

Thank you.

No. There mustn't be any preferential treatment.

That doesn't build character in a man.

Isn't that what Hoover is all about?

I can't believe you said that, Nicky.

How could you say something like that?

I thought I did well.

Well, Nicky?

You went psycho on me.

The Woodrow memorial library?

He's probably going to hold up my diploma

Until the new dorm's built.

Let him earn his way off probation?

Thanks, nick.

I was merely echoing my father's belief

That you spare the rod and spoil the child.

Yeah, well, it's too bad he didn't believe

In birth control.

Listen, when you went in there,

They was ready to kick you out.

Now they're ready to kiss your ass.

So, you graduate.

Then I take away my donation money, ok?

So now you're a hero.

Hey? Huh?

Among the modern society dances,

The waltz is the most important.

The origins of many of the dances

Are rather obscure.

� I'm back �

And I'm better than ever, baby.

Took care of Muffy,

Gave her the old hot beef injection,

And left her begging for more.

Hey, who's this, friar tuck?

Nice build, kid.

Uh, blimp, I'd like you to meet Eddie,

Palmer's retarded cousin.

Palmer? Palmer?

Where is the old sot?

Sot?

He's eating dinner with his father.

And how is old daddykins?

I guess daddykins is fine,

Because Palmer hasn't been back to pack.

No? Well, then,

Let's celebrate.

For you, little john, a muttonchop

And a gift of bacchus

With which to wash it down.

It's all right. He's schizo.

Thinks he's errol flynn once in a while.

Come, you must join my merry band,

And then you, too, may laugh like this-

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

A manly laugh for manly men such as we.

Aah!

Mr. Hoover. Hi.

Can I help you with something?

I was looking for young Woodrow.

I have a little something here for him and his father.

He's out, but his cousin the retard's here.

Weren't you the host on creature features?

I'm sorry I missed him.

There's so much to talk about

Since his exciting meeting with headmaster Harriman.

Would you see that he gets this?

Oh, sure.

With my regards.

Hey, boris, suck a few necks for me tonight,

Huh, buddy?

After you.

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Big comedy.

Hey.

Jeez, don't you think you're taking this fitting-in bit

A little too far?

I know you won't take this personally,

But you look like a real asshole

In that outfit.

Sounds to me like you guys are a little jealous.

Maybe I'm better at this than you are.

Oh, yeah? Well, at least I took care of Muffy

Without promising to build her a fucking library.

Are you going to be here long?

Because I think you're going to make things

Very untidy.

What are you talking about?

We're at the finish line, man.

Besides, I'm lovable, I'm affable,

And I pay for half of this room.

Where are you going?

I thought we were going to go to a movie.

Do I look like I'm dressed for the movies?

Yeah, but you said-

Randall...

Please, don't whine

And don't cramp my style.

Hey, he's getting real good at this, you know?

I mean, he's turning into a real scumbag.

The fox certainly is an elusive animal.

Palmer!

Hey, Palmer!

Hey, chump!

Good ride, Palmer.

You know, I shouldn't be at all surprised

If we're looking at this year's winner

Of the Hoover award.

Right. See you up at the house for cocktails.

All right? Yes, sir.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmm.

What do you want?

Now, that ain't no way to talk

To your old buddy regis.

I have to mingle,

Be social.

How would you like it if I bring chained lightning

By to mangle you?

Hey, look, what is your problem here?

I mean,

You're not really starting to get into this, are you?

Is that wrong?

It's how you live.

No, no. You're missing the point.

Hello, ladies.

that's how my family has lived

For a very long time.

This is not how I think.

Oh, you think I've changed.

Well, I haven't. I'm still the same lovable guy.

Yeah.

Well, I don't think the same lovable guy

Would let daddy buy him the Hoover award.

What does that crack mean?

Aw, shit! Ohh!

Good guess.

Muffy: Bif!

Bif.

Uh...

I forgot to tell you.

Bif is my middle name.

Bif is your middle name.

Hey, Muffy, great to see you,

But, hey, sorry, it's bad timing.

We're really on the run here with finals.

Tracy.

How you doing?

Fine. Is that for me?

No.

It's a peace offering for Palmer.

Oh. Well, if you want to catch him,

You'd better hurry.

He just ran off with a Muffy something or other.

Eddie: If you really want to be with me,

Sneak into the dorm tonight.

The dorm? Why not?

Gosh, tracy, he sure sees a lot of her, too.

You know, I just don't know how he can keep track

Of who he's dating.

Yeah. Look, here.

Heh heh.

Ok, Bif,

You better be worth it.

Where's Bif hamilton?

Back off, buster.

Mmm.

Bif?

Bif.

Sir...

I think that you know how much this hurts me-

How much it hurts me

To squeal on a fellow student-

But it's Bif, sir.

He has a girl in his room.

Damn.

We'll see what Palmer thinks of this.

Bif: Skip?

Where the hell is bugs?

Well, you must've done something.

I mean, tracy's not just pissed at you

For the sake of being pissed.

Any of you gentlemen seen palm-

There you are. Ha ha!

You rascal. I've been hunting all over for you.

Uh, how do you think your finals are going?

Good, I hope, because it'd be embarrassing

If you didn't win

That Hoover memorial award this year.

I mean, after your father and his business manager

Set up that wonderful fund for us.

All: What?

He didn't tell you about it, huh?

Oh, it's really quite simple.

You see, for every dollar raised

And put into the fund by the academy,

He matches it with a dollar.

And, of course, that...

That wonderful business manager of his-

What's his name? Diceman?

Uh, he's going to administer

The fund for us.

Oh, that's- that's great.

yeah.

You-

Do I know you?

Exchange student...

From slobovia.

Oh, yeah, I think I remember hearing about that.

Well, I got to get down to the gym.

Wordman and I are playing

A little one-on-one basketball.

I'm quite good, really.

I can't believe it.

Look, we're going to have to tell the school

Everything, all right? Everything.

No way.

The dice man's going to say

That we're part of the scam.

Phony student, phony father-

Real jail.

Don't look at me. I did my part.

I took care of Muffy. Muffy took care of Bif.

I did my part. Just give me my diploma.

Yeah, well, you know what? I'm through.

I'm finished, all right?

You have been treating me like dog shit, Mr. Bmoc,

And you haven't been very nice, either,

You know, Palmer?

I'm rich. I don't have to be nice.

Don't sound so depressing.

Ok?

It's depressing.

Rand: Eddie?

What are you doing?

I can't sleep.

I'm gonna see tracy.

Ohh.

Ohh! What, what?

Is there a party? What? I'll go.

Come on, come on.

Can I have a refill on this, please?

� takin' the brakes off �

� yeah �

� takin' the brakes off �

Rand: Hey, wait!

Are you nuts? Are you crazy?

You're stealing Bif's car!

So what?

Palmer: Is this just a harmless campus hijink?

I mean, I'm in no personal danger, am I?

Look, Eddie, you could be expelled for this.

I'm scared! We're going to crash!

We're going to die! I'm scared!

I don't want to die! It hurts to die!

I'm scared! We're going to crash!

Will you shut up?

Oh, my god, we're going to crash!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

There. There.

I arranged a crash for you.

Ok? So there's nothing more to be afraid of.

My god, it was zero gs there for a minute.

� lead all the rats tomorrow �

Rand: Oh, my god!

Now the Hoovers are going to kill us, too.

� takin' the brakes off �

My parents-my parents are going to kill me!

My little sister, she's going to kill me!

7 years of prep school down the tubes.

God. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Ngh!

You're unstable, aren't you?

Rand: Let's get out of here.

Please take me back. You're crazy.

I don't want to be here. I don't like it here.

Then leave. I'm gonna see tracy.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

What is she, a fucking vampire?

You think she'll talk to you

Because you throw a rock through her window?

Well, she isn't going to talk to me

After dice and Nicky swindle the school.

You want to wake her up? I'll wake her up.

Ngh!

No, no! Shh, shh!

Hey, honey,

Yo!

What are you doing?

Aah!

Hey, what are you doing here?

I live here, remember?

I couldn't sleep, so I decided

To take a walk around my house.

Well, that is terrific,

Because I couldn't sleep, either.

Listen, I've been calling you all day.

We have to talk.

No.

If I would've wanted to talk to you,

I would've.

Now, would you please go away?

No. Listen, listen, listen.

I stole a car.

I-I skipped off campus.

I drove across your lawn.

I mean, that's worth 5 minutes.

Palmer: Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You wouldn't mind if I went in the house,

Made myself a sandwich, got a little coffee, would ya?

I didn't think you would. Thank you.

Come on.

Well, I guess I'll just stay and watch the car.

Eddie: I'm just asking you to hear me out.

So you're going to sit here,

And you're going to listen to me.

There is nothing you can say.

Look, I saw you with Muffy again the other day.

Oh, come on, that's Muffy.

I can explain that.

No. It's not that.

It's you.

What you are and what I thought you were

Are 2 completely different things.

I guess it's my fault.

I've been looking for something

That wasn't even there.

You think that this has changed me,

Right? Yes.

Well, you're wrong.

I don't even know you anymore.

God, that makes me so sad.

Tracy.

Tracy, don't go.

Uhh.

How'd it go?

Ah.

Uhh.

Great blt.

I think the mayonnaise is a little funny.

I hallucinated I saw that guy

Who looked like boris karloff

In there again.

Shit!

Mmm.

Boy, I tell you, that sexual tension

Is murder, man.

It'll scar you for life.

What, are we walking back?

We're walking back?

Can't you steal another car?

Bif: Mr. Harriman, I swear to you,

I don't know how it got there.

I parked it in the lot,

I went up to my room,

And I studied diligently all night.

Don't make me puke, hamilton.

All I know is, it's your car,

It was the Hoovers' yard,

And you're expelled.

But, sir, I-

You're expelled.

Get out of here.

Moi?

Expelled?

Aw, but...

Bif: I had plans.

I can't go to summer school.

I don't know anybody who goes to summer school.

Woman: All right.

take a hike, gumby.

Hey, nice dress.

If I knew they turned you into a freak of nature,

I would've made you a dicette.

Had I known about your scam-

You would've done exactly what you're doing now-

Cooperating.

I didn't want anything to do with this, Eddie.

But he did not want to jeopardize our friendship.

Look...

We'll all prosper.

What do you care about these people, anyway?

If they knew who you were,

You couldn't kiss their ass.

He's right, Eddie. He's right.

I'm always right.

I'm ingeniousal.

Whew.

Kid's got an attitude.

Yeah, he's got an attitude.

Shut up.

Do you have any drugs?

Mr. Hoover: Mr. Woodrow.

Uh...

Woman: Ha ha ha!

Mr. Woodrow. Mr. Woodrow, I'm delighted to see you.

Why don't you come this way to the auditorium

Where we can talk?

Excuse me. Are you the gentleman they call dice?

No, I'm the tooth fairy.

Yeah, I'm dice. Who are you?

I drive for the real Mr. Woodrow.

Ahem.

Yeah? What's that supposed to mean to me?

Mr. Woodrow can explain.

Unless you'd prefer to have the authorities

Do the explaining.

That's all right.

When I have my diploma, mon ami.

Well, it's hard for me to believe-

Another school year past,

Another Hoover class graduating...

Pretty outrageous disguise, eh, guys?

Sort of rive gauche, don't you think, huh?

If Muffy recognizes me, I'm dead meat.

Harriman: Preparation-

Preparation to deal with

Those less fortunate than ourselves,

That great mass of people.

your dirty little scam

Ends today,

And I will personally take care of

That wacko hot dog salesman impersonating me

And that punk impersonating my son.

'cause as I see it,

You're the little fish in this scam.

They're the brains.

Oh, yes, sir.

As a matter of fact,

They had me sucked into this whole thing

Before I even knew what was going on.

I mean, I'm a song- and-dance man by trade.

This tomfoolery doesn't hold water with me.

Randall weatherby.

Palmer e. Woodrow.

Hobart yarborough.

And last but not least,

Edmund zucchini.

excuse me. Zuchini.

I speak for all of us here when I say we're darn proud.

Ha ha. Darn proud.

You've had a Hoover education,

And a Hoover education is an expensive education,

And that's worth something.

Now it gives us great pleasure

To introduce Mr. Thorndike Hoover

To present this year's annual Hoover memorial award.

Thorndike.

Thank you.

Well, this certainly is an exciting moment, isn't it?

I want to save my family

Further embarrassment.

To do that, you disappear.

We understand each other?

Dice: Oh, yes, sir.

If you interfere,

Things could become unpleasant.

Here's your ticket.

You take your song-and- dance act on the road.

You like al pacino?

Watch this.

I'm dyin' over here.

I can't take it. Everybody's comin' down at me.

Oh, he doesn't like pacino.

How was I to know he didn't like pacino?

Have a nice flight, jerk-off.

Ha ha ha.

But enough of my world war ii experiences.

It-it's time for this most important announcement.

It gives me great pleasure

To announce this year's recipient

Of the Hoover memorial award.

Mr. Palmer Woodrow.

I'd like to, uh, thank Mr. Hoover

And, uh, the board of trustees

And, uh...

Uh, the entire faculty here at Hoover academy.

Uh, this award means a lot to me.

Um, more than I think any of you can imagine,

Because for the first time in my life,

I did something that a lot of people,

Including myself,

Didn't think I could do.

And, uh, that makes me very proud.

Thank you.

I just got one more thing.

Um...

We're gonna see what kind of sense of humor

You guys have.

You know how when I said before how, uh...

Proud I was, you know,

'cause for the first time in my life

I didn't screw up?

Well, that's not- that's not the whole truth.

See, I did screw up.

He didn't say anything to me.

Um, I forgot who I was.

And when I did that,

I hurt the most important person in my life.

It was the one person who could have said, uh...

"hey, you know,

"I don't care if you're, uh, Palmer Woodrow

Or Eddie keaton. "

Because, uh...

Um...

Here's the joke. Ha.

That's who I am.

I'm, uh, I'm Eddie keaton

From jersey.

I was, uh, I was hired

To play Palmer Woodrow.

I did a good job, too.

I did. Uh... I got a cashier's check, uh...

A red porsche.

I'm the kind of guy that, uh, most of you people

Wouldn't let into your house.

And, uh...

And this guy, here,

The one who's gonna give all the money to the school,

He's, uh, he's a hot dog vendor in my neighborhood.

woman: What?

And his business manager, he's my bookie.

Woman: No!

Woman: Oh, no!

Well...

I don't know about all you, but, uh, I feel great. Ha.

So if you still want to give out these awards,

I think maybe you should give one

To the real Palmer Woodrow.

He's, uh, he's right here.

There in the fourth row.

I think you'll like him a lot.

An award? For little old me?

Swell. Talk about making a guy

Feel like part of the team.

This is-thanks, Eddie.

Remind me to send you a christmas bomb.

Thanks a lot for this.

Uh, it'll look great in my cell,

And we'll see you next year at graduation.

Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

How could you let a thing like this happen?

I-I'm sorry, mother.

You're an idiot.

Yes, mother.

There they are. There they are!

Aah! Aah!

Hey, look who I found.

My favorite woman in the whole world.

You didn't have me fooled for a minute.

Favorite woman?

She's a phony, snooty gold digger.

I know. Isn't she great?

We can talk to each other.

Aah ooh! Let go of me! I'll kill 'em!

I'll kill 'em. I'll kill 'em.

I'll kill 'em. I'll k-

I just don't know which one to kill first.

Tactical faux pas, you blithering idiot.

This diploma unlocks my trust fund,

And I can be very generous if I want to.

I'm that kind of a guy.

I'll kill 'em! I'll kill 'em!

Take him away.

This is the most embarrassing day

In Hoover history.

Well, it's certainly embarrassing for me.

Imagine some impostor.

Money?

This is what it's all about?

Well, I'll just endorse this check

Over to Hoover academy.

Anyone have a pen?

Rand: Yeah.

Hey!

Oh.

Ha ha.

What?

Am I a total idiot?

I earned this money.

And I am going to enjoy it.

Aah! Aah!

Aah! I'll kill 'im!

Well, don't look at me. I'm going to rio.

Call you when I get back.

Come on, Rand. This guy's my best friend.

I'm his only friend.

Come on, muff.

Mrs. Hoover: Come on, tracy. Tracy!

Palmer? Wait!

No! Palmer!

Eddie!

Mr. And Mrs. Hoover: Tracy!

Eddie, wait!

So, uh...

How's tricks?

Are you sure?

I mean, I'm not exactly, uh,

Mr. Alligator shirt, you know.

� waking up �

� to the sound �

� that life is beating �

� to the drum �

� heaven bound �

� there's no defeating �

� straight ahead �

� movin' up �

� so don't mind me �

� if you think it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� shake it up �

� take your stand �

� 'cause life could throw you �

� oh, unexpected plans �

� don't be surprised �

� here's a word �

� to the wise, yeah �

� oh, don't mind me �

� if you think it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� your life's a dance �

� gotta take a chance �

� livin' on the edge �

� ooh, yeah �

� yes �

� aah, yeah! �

� don't mind me �

� if you think it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� shake it up �

� take your stand �

� 'cause life could throw you �

� oh, unexpected plans �

� don't be surprised �

� here's a word �

� to the wise, yeah �

� oh, don't mind me �

� if you think it's strange �

� livin' on the edge �

� I'm next in line �

� yeah, it's gonna change �

� livin' on the edge �

� your life's a dance �

� gotta take a chance �

� livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� oh, livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

� I like livin' on the edge �

� livin' on the edge �

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