Original subtitles

[ Man ] It is so difficult to know where I should begin.

Especially when, unlike you, I already know the ending.

But let us say that this story began with the end of another,

far, far from the surf of Long Island.

For many years, I had absolutely no public life.

I had said, "No," to interviews so often,

it was widely regarded as my forte.

Then, just once-- on impulse-- I said,

"Yes."

Does the 20th century play any part in your life?

I'm sorry? Do you, for instance, use a word processor?

I'm a writer. I write.

I don't process words.

[ Interviewer ] So, who do you write for?

Myself. May I ask why you're here today?

Well, I was wondering that myself.

But... your... colleague was... a friend...

of my late wife, who translated for the World Service.

And, of course, I do have a faint interest as to how these things are done, you know.

You've never been tempted to write for radio?

Or television? I'm afraid not.

Would you permit your work to be adapted for the screen,

now that even E.M. Forster's been done?

Oh, I'd prefer not to be done.

[ Interviewer ] But he's been done rather well, don't you think?

I've-- I've no idea.

I haven't been to the pictures for quite some time.

One or two?

One?

[ Man ] Hey, are you sure this is the right window, man?

[ Man #2 ] I-I don't know about this, Corey. What if we get caught?

We're not gonna get caught, jerk-off!

And any minute now that room is gonna be filled with butt-naked babes.

[ Boys Laughing ] Hey, big guy, give me the camera. [ Beeping Sound ]

Ahhh. Oh, man!

Whoo-hoo! Take it off, please!

She is so totally hot!

Someone's coming!

Christ, it's the Stomper! Oh, I'm outta here!

What are you boys doing here? You shouldn't be here!

This isn't E.M. Forster!

Hey, man, you got a rival. Molly's in there with a guy!

What? I'll kill him!

Come on. Let's go!

Mikey? You been beaten to it by your kid brother!

I think it's time for a pizza delivery, boys.

[ Laughing ] Oh, wee. Go get 'em, man!

Hoo-hoo! Hey, what are you doin'?

[ Mikey ] Hey, cut it out! Go, dude, go!

Kick his ass! Corey!

What's up?

Hey, come on, man. We can talk about this.

Yeah?

[ Audience Laughing ] Hiya, Molly. What's happenin', baby?

[ Molly ] Hi, Corey.

[ Mikey ] Come on, man. Put me down! Put me down!

Corey, she made me do it. Shut up, you little jerk-off!

You're just trying to make me jealous, huh?

Ah!

What a relief.

My wife must have known this would happen.

Tell me, Mrs. Reed, you live here alone now, don't you? Yes.

Me alone. But the... television.

The television? It's mine. I like it.

You... watch the pictures?

[ Man On TV] Your specialized subject is Christopher Columbus. You've two minutes starting now.

With subtitles. By what name was Columbus known in Spain?

Crist�bal Col�n. [ TVHost ] Correct.

Of what did Columbus reputedly become the first European connoisseur?

Tobacco? Correct. How extraordinary.

Have you been locked out all day?

No! No, no. I-- Just for a short while.

I went to the pictures.

The cinema.

The ci-ne-ma.

I'm ever so sorry about yesterday.

And why is that?

About not being home when you needed the keys.

Well, I can hardly dictate what you do on your Sundays, Mrs. Barker.

My sister in Whitstable's been poorly.

Needs a bit of helping out.

Is there anything else, Mrs. Barker?

I was just going to mention--

My sister and I heard you on the wireless yesterday.

Tell me, you weren't taught by Forster when you were up at Cambridge?

Alas, no. You know they're...

even adapting his work for the pictures now?

Can't say that I approve.

It could have been a lot worse.

- Er, the adaptation? - The interview.

Oh. In what way? It could have been on television. That's a much...

greater intrusion, I can tell you.

Do you know you can get televisions that transcribe what people say?

May I ask, would that be another book?

Yes. I'm afraid it is.

I don't know how you do it.

Takes me all my time to read one.

Well, as Gwen always used to say,

it's easier to write one than it is to read one properly, Mrs. Barker.

[ Mutters ] Yes, I'm sure she did.

I can almost hear her saying it.

I've never really approved of the pre-Raphaelites.

Hmm?

Well, just look at him.

He's one of your sister's favorites.

What's meant to be going on?

Love letters, suicide-- that sort of thing?

More likely to be rejections from publishers.

Chatterton was a writer. Oh.

I must get around to reading one of your books, Giles.

There never seem to be enough hours in the day.

Giles?

[ Thinking ] Winsome, young, neoclassical.

Isolated...

by beauty, death.

No smoking, guv. Thanks very much.

- I beg your pardon? - It says, "No smoking."

No. It says, "Thank you for not smoking."

As I am smoking, I don't expect to be thanked.

Can I help you? Uh-- Yes--

- One for number three, please. - Come again?

- Uh, one adult for number three. - What do you want to see, sir?

- The film in number three. - Which?

Uh, Hotpants College II.

Thank you.

[ People Murmuring ]

[ Students Chattering ]

The college girls are back! Let's go! Come on!

Hang on! All right?

Come on, Mom. I gotta go. Today's a big day.

Oh, yeah? What's so special about it?

College girls are back in town, that's what.

Oh, I wish you'd keep your mind on school, Corey, like your brother.

Yeah. Yeah. He finds time to work at Chicken Burger. Why can't you?

[ Mom Coughing ] Mom, I thought you were going to see a doctor about that.

What a fucking prat.

Shhh!

[ Giles Thinking ] Ronnie Bostock.

R. Bostock, Esquire.

Bostock, brackets, Ronald.

"Hotpants College II: Puerile romp without a single redeeming feature."

Uh, you wouldn't have any milk left, I suppose?

Mum. Milk.

U.H. T.? U... H... T...?

Only this left.

Is okay? It is milk, isn't it?

Abigail, we close now.

We're closing now.

[ Cash Register Beeping ]

"Out soon on video: Hotpants College II...

"has even more yummy guys than H.C. I,

"including mega-dreamboat Ronnie Bostock.

"Next month, find out how 'Bostie'fares...

"in our feature on 'Hollywood's Most Snoggable Fellas'--

"Exclamation mark,

exclamation mark, exclamation mark." [ Cash Register Clatters ]

I'm sorry to disturb you, but I can't find them anywhere.

Uh, Mrs. Barker, I've been thinking that, uh,

it will be best if I was left undisturbed in the afternoon.

My work is very taxing at the moment. What about your tea?

Oh, I'll call you when I'm ready for it. But, um--

I must admit it's been... odd this last week.

It's that funny milk.

Uh-uh, what is it you were looking for?

The kitchen scissors.

[ Dog Barking ]

Skid Marks 1 994.

Tex Mex 1 995.

Hotpants College II 1 996.

Mrs. Barker, I'll take tea now!

Is it on the left?

Or right?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Imagined Quiz Master ] And what is your chosen specialized subject?

[ Thinking ] The life and work of Ronnie Bostock.

You have two minutes on the life and work of Ronnie Bostock, starting... now.

Ronnie Bostock was born in Southern California but where does he live now?

Chesterton, Long Island. Correct. What is the name of the dog which features...

prominently in his publicity stills?

Strider. Correct. What is Ronnie Bostock's...

favorite reading material?

Stephen King and science fiction. Correct.

For what does Ronnie have a self-confessed weakness? Pizza?

Yes. I'll accept that. It's actually pizza with extra anchovies.

Under what circumstances would Ronnie do a nude scene?

If it were tasteful...

And? Correct. essential to the plot.

Why was he not cast in the original Hotpants College?

Uh, too young? No. He was unable...

to break his contract with the sitcom Home Is Where The Heart Is.

What is Ronnie's favorite kind of training shoe and why?

Reeboks, because British stuff is cool. Correct.

With which of his rock idols was he recently photographed? Axl Rose.

Correct. Ronnie claims to like nothing better than hanging out with the guys.

What exactly do these "guys" mean to him?

I wonder.

[ Giles ] Is that Chesterton there?

Chesterton. You want?

Why not?

[ Clears Throat ] For a change, yes?

[ Chuckles ] Thank you.

I have, as usual, said you're far too busy.

But it is a very prestigious lecture, Giles.

Would you advise me against it? As your agent,

I would strongly urge you to do it. But... as a friend...

I wouldn't want to disturb your work, which seems to be so...

invigorating, Giles.

I'll think about it. Really?

Yes. I'm getting rather tired of hearing myself say no.

Now, you can help me, Henry.

What exactly is a "sitcom"?

No good, this program. Really?

Here, this is better. Dog.

Do you like dogs, Mr. De'Ath?

Need any help, sir?

Yes. I'm interested in acquiring a video player.

Uh, these are microwaves, sir.

Oh. Video players are over here.

[ Salesperson ] Let's start with this little humdinger. It's got it all, this one.

Nicam digital stereo, long-play facility,

1 4-day, eight-event timer, two-speed slow motion--

My needs are rather limited.

But it's top of the range, this one. Oh, is it?

Yeah, and it's in your interest to keep up with the technology.

I'll get it, Mrs. Barker!

Delivery for Doctor Death. Yes.

Is that your real name, then?

Pronounced "Day-aa-th." Bet you get a lot ofjokes.

[ Mutters ] Not since school.

Nice place.

All these books, they're not all different, are they?

- You read them all? - Could we, uh--

Right. Where's your telly?

- I'm sorry? - Gogglebox. TV.

[ Chuckles ] No. I don't have one.

Blimey! Well, what the hell's this for then?

Well, it's to watch films on, actually.

Yeah, but-- but what you gonna watch them on?

Well-- On the video?

Two pieces of identification, one proof of address--

I believe that qualifies me for membership.

There's a ten-pound deposit so you don't nick nothing,

but you get a two-pound voucher for Bernie's Pizza delivery.

You can take out two tapes now if you want.

Um--

Could I forfeit my Bernie's Pizza voucher for a third one?

That's out.

I'm-- I'm sorry? Tex Mex.

Went out an hour ago. Really?

We only keep one of everything unless it's a big fuck off blockbuster.

I see. That's in.

Harry-- Skid Marks.

No. Tape's buggered.

- Do you want to have another bash? - Well, uh, uh--

Perhaps you have, uh, Hotpants College II?

Harry! Hotpants I, II-- It's not out yet, is it?

Nah. Got Hotpants I in.

Uh, may I place a reservation for Tex Mex?

No. There's no reservations.

Uh, you mean I have to wait two weeks, uh--

I hope not. You can only keep them out overnight.

Isn't one allowed two weeks at a library?

It takes two weeks to read a book, doesn't it?

Those things are more trouble than they're worth, if you ask me.

Uh, Mrs. Barker.

I've been thinking I should be...

starting to cope a little better on my own.

So, I won't be needing you after 2:00 in the afternoons.

But what about your dinner?

Oh, I'm quite sure that I can manage.

Oh, and I would... prefer it if you--

if you didn't clean in this room... at all.

What about the dust?

"The more one dusts, the more dust one makes,"

is what Gwen always used to say, Mrs. Barker.

This had better work. Cool it, Pete. Have I ever let you down before?

Make sure you land him in the shit. 'Cause that's what he's done to us.

Hey, hey, hey. Here he comes. Here he comes. Get down. Get down.

Now!

[ Rider Screaming ]

[ Horse Whinnies ]

Wow. Awesome.

Oh, shit! Too darn right, Bozo.

You're in deep shit. Yeah, man. You know what you are?

You're nothing but a-- but a skid mark on the underpants of life.

[ Ronnie, Pete Laugh ]

Yeah!

He's coming. He's coming.

[ Ronnie ] So, if you take the entrance and project study--

[ Boys Laughing ]

[ Giles ] If one has to have a theme, Henry,

it would be...

the discovery of beauty where no one ever thought of looking for it.

Ah, yes. Familiar territory for you.

Hardly. I have begun to engage in completely new subject matter.

New to me, at least.

Splendid. At our time of life, it's good to tackle something new.

I was considering golf, actually.

I could almost say that it has brought me into contact with...

everything that I myself have never been.

But that must be all for the time being, Henry.

Giles,

I'm very intrigued.

You may find it rather difficult to get in touch with me in the near future.

I'm finding it rather difficult now, old chap.

Hey, Jake!

Hey, hey, what's goin'on? Are you crazy? Get out of the way, Johnny.

This ain't the way, Jake. You heard what Father Bryson said.

He said we all gotta learn how to get along.

[Jake ] Yeah? Well I'm tired of these Mexicans taking jobs from my folks!

[Johnny ] They never took any job you want and you know it! Just get out of the way, Johnny.

I ain't going anywhere. You want to get to these boys, you have to go through me.

[Jake ] Is that right? [Johnny ] Yeah, that's right.

Oh, you did it now, Jake! [ Groans ]

Save your breath, my child.

Oh, I tried to tell him, Father. I tried. I tried.

[ Father Bryson ] Hush now. God knows what you say is true, to be sure.

You were right, Father. [ Panting, Groaning ]

We all got to try to live together.

[Johnny ] I'll never forget what you said.

[ Groans, Expires ]

Johnny?

No!

[ Father Bryson ] I promise you won't die in vain, my child.

May the Lord have mercy on your soul.

[ Thinking ] Forgive me, Ronnie.

[ Giles ] For is it not the case that when we are in the habit of viewing a film...

more than once, assisted by that technological aide-memoire the video player,

then a remarkable phenomenon presents itself.

We see...

that what, at first, appeared to be merely accidental or unrehearsed...

becomes on subsequent viewings an indelible part of the film's texture.

A distant landscape,

a blurred face in the crowd,

even a banal message on a T-shirt.

So, the largely unrecognized art of film acting...

depends entirely on the ability of the actor--

or, indeed, actress--

to make everything about himself--

uh, or herself--

seem equally permanent.

When, thus,

an actor is called upon to smile,

he must try to select a smile from a collection--

a repertoire-- a whole file of smiles, as it were.

Naive,

rueful,

sly, sarcastic...

and so on.

Anyway, to return to my theme of "The Death of the Future--"

Don't you think you've been overdoing it, old chap?

We're not as young as we used to be, after all.

Maybe you should... take a break.

Go on a trip. Do you the world of good.

A trip?

Yes. I-I know you think that traveling for its own sake is frivolous, but...

I must insist that you seriously consider it.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Beep ] [ Answering Machine Message ] This is Giles De'Ath speaking.

If your call is extremely urgent, you may leave a brief message after I finish speaking.

[ Beep ]

Good, Lord! Giles? It's Henry.

You have an answer phone. Whatever next?

[Jet Engine Roaring ]

[Jet Engine Roaring ]

But, um, isn't there a guest house or something of that nature?

Well, now, there's a motel. Motel?

Yeah. On the expressway. Oh, no. That would be out of the question.

The room is quiet?

We take a pride in the secluded nature of our accommodation.

How long will you be with us?

Uh, at least a week or two.

Are you touring Long Island?

[ Nervous Chuckle ] No. No, not really.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, a writer!

From London too. Oh, my.

Well,

we're charmed to have you, uh, Mister, uh--

De'Ath. Well...

Mister, anything you want to know about Chesterton...

you just ask me.

Hmmm.

[ Sighs ] Oh--

Good Lord!

[ Patrons Chattering, Utensils Clattering ]

You're lookin' very spiffy today.

Sir?

You're looking very spiffy today. Very attractive.

Oh, thank you.

Has Lou taken your order yet?

I-I must admit I'm... having a little difficulty understanding the menu.

Get him a cup of coffee.

[ Giles ] What would you recommend?

Oh, we do a great cheeseburger. Oh, I think not.

The best hash browns you ever tasted?

[ Chuckles ] That rather goes without saying.

There you are. Thank you.

So... you're from England, huh?

Yes.

You ever bumped into a fellow by the name of Stan Brighouse?

I believe not.

An attractive man, average-sized hands.

But he had breasts... like a woman.

Very odd.

He was a nice person, though. You should look him up.

Anyway, I'm Irv, by the way.

Hence, "Chez d'Irv." You got it.

Irving Buckmuller at your service.

This area here... is very attractive.

This is where a person like you should be staying.

It's secluded? Oh, you'll love it.

Yeah. Where the odd celebrity might hide out, no doubt.

Exactly. Exactly. And you know what?

They all know Irv's.

Everyone of'em knows Irv's. Right, Lou?

How you doin'? Good morning.

- Hey, that's a great tie. - Thank you.

Hire detective. [ Woman Moaning ]

Bribe postman. [ Pleasurable Moans, Groans ]

[ Moaning, Groaning Continue ] This is too much!

[ Louder Moaning And Groaning ]

Yes. Mrs. Abbott, is there any possibility of your more, uh,

short-term guests not having rooms next to mine?

Well, yes, I do appreciate that, but I also value my own privacy. [ Rumbling, Whimpering ]

Yes, indeed. It is interrupting my work.

Over here you ask for the cheque and pay with a bill.

Over here you ask for the cheque and pay with a bill.

In England, you ask for a bill and pay with a cheque.

Hmm. Is that the truth? [ Chuckles ] Yes.

No shit! [ Laughs ]

A writer here, from London, England.

Likes words. [ Women Chattering ]

Aha!

How you doin' today? Oh, uh, very well, thank you.

You live around here? No, no. Well, not yet, at least.

I'm-- I'm, uh... looking at property for sale.

You're movin' to Chesterton? Well, it's a poss--

[ Car Passing ]

Great wheels, huh? [ Mumbles ] Yes.

You know, you'd cover a lot more ground in a car.

Yes. I suppose I would. Uh-uh, may I go on my way?

Sure. We just like to know what strangers are up to, that's all. [ Chuckles ]

You take care, now. [ Mutters ] Yeah.

[ Electronic Chirp ] [ Woman's Voice ] You are standing...

too close to this vehicle!

Please move away immediately!

Thank you. Have a nice day! [ Electronic Warble ]

[ Water Running ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

Hello? Ah, Mrs. Abbott.

Yes. A typewriter seems to have appeared in my room.

Oh. How very thoughtful of you.

Cocktails? No. I'm afraid not. I have to be up at the crack of dawn.

Good morning! Hey, how you doin'? What happened to your foot?

Oh, less torture. You take it easy now.

Hey, Strider. You go home now.

Strider.

[ Panting ]

[ Whimpering ]

Strider?

[ Dog Barks, Growls ]

I had one once called "Tiffy." "Tiffy"? What kind of a--

What is that? Wha-- What's that, a pansy name? Come on! Tiffy lived to be 1 5.

We're not talking about how long the dog lived. Caesar.

We're talking about names. There are a lot of Caesars around.

What about "Spot"? Spot! That's the name that everybody calls a dog-- Spot.

What if the dog has no spots?

They all got spots. No. Sometimes they got patches.

And there's a difference between a patch and a spot.

Then they call it "Patch" or "Patchy." Or "Patch"-- "Patches."

If he's got stripes, they call it "Stripey." That's stupid.

Or "Stripes." Come on.

Why? Do you want a dog, Giles? I can get you puppies for free.

No, no, no, no, no. I just heard some rather strange names, that's all.

Uh, is Strider common?

Rider? Striper? Strider?

Strider. Striper? Strider?

Strider.

I never heard of it. Strider? I never of it.

Oh, sure. Strider, Caesar. [ Scoffs ] They're all a damned nuisance.

You never knew Tiffy.

[ Clattering ]

[ Woman ] Strider?

Strider!

[ Dog Growling ] What is it, boy?

It's just a squirrel, you idiot. Come on. In.

I can't take you to the supermarket. Jesus.

[ Car Door Slams, Engine Starts ]

It's an emergency! You need a hospital?

Nearest supermarket. Move over, please. It-It is an emergency!

[ Car Door Slams, Tires Screech, Car Departs ]

Hey! Oh!

I am most dreadfully sorry. I do hope nothing is broken.

I guess not. We just don't have things this size in England.

Rather tricky to control. It's okay. Take it easy.

Oh, haven't-- haven't we met?

[ Sighs ] I don't think so.

Ah, no. I've seen your photograph.

Are you a film star? Would you mind just leaving me alone?

Oh, no, of course! You're engaged to Abigail's idol.

I could really do without this. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Uh, my godchild, Abigail, has a huge crush on this very young...

and, uh, uh, promising American actor and his name is Ronnie--

Is it, no. Ronnie-- Ronnie Bostock, isn't it?

You made a very handsome couple.

[ Woman ] What kind of books do you write?

Oh, I'm hardly a household name over here.

Are you working on one now?

Well, if I'm inspired by the soothing rustle of the Long Island surf,

as your Walt Whitman put it.

I hope you have a great time.

Are you over for long? Excuse me?

From Hollywood. Oh, we live here.

Oh, really?

Ron's in L.A. right now. I just can't believe he's so big in England.

- I never knew that. - [ Chuckles ]

It's extremely kind of you. This isn't Manhattan.

You can't just hail a cab. Indeed.

You've got a lot of groceries for someone staying at a motel.

Yes. I've-- I've always been rather vague about domestic arrangements,

but I wanted to find out how Americans shop, what you eat and so on.

Actually, I can heartily recommend the cheeseburgers at Chez d'Irv.

[ Groans ] God, you've been to that dive?

Well, perhaps you can recommend somewhere superior.

There are some great seafood places up the coast, but you gotta drive there.

Well, allow me to take you out for a spot of lunch.

Oh, I couldn't, really. To thank you for your kindness.

Uh, I don't think so.

[ Seagulls Squawking ]

Very impressive. You're both very talented, my dear. [ Chuckles ] Thanks.

Well, you must give Ronnie tips, no doubt.

Tips?

Well, doesn't he have to do photographs for the fan magazines?

Oh, photo shoots. Tell me about it. He hates them.

Oh, seems rather good at it. Oh, sure. It just--

He thinks you can't be a teen idol if you're gonna be a serious actor.

Oh, does he?

It's crazy. I mean, most of the actors I know wait tables.

Why would they do that?

I can't wait to tell him I've met a famous British writer...

who thinks he's got the look of a young Olivier, was it?

Uh, a little. [ Chuckles ] I should be writing this down.

Hey, maybe you could do a script for him or something.

[ Chuckles ] Well, I don't exactly write for the youth market, Audrey.

Oh, well, that's great. He's so sick of playing dumb kids.

Oh-- [ Phone Ringing ]

It's okay, the machine's on. [ Audrey's Voice ] Hi, we're not home. Leave a message.

[ Man's Voice ] Hey, babe. Honey?

Uh, I guess you're out... again. [ Chuckles ] It's Ron.

[ Ronnie ] You better not be having a good time without me.

[ Ronnie ] Things are pretty cool here. I'll talk to you later. Love you.

[ Audrey ] I'll call him later. Oh, Giles, I forgot. [ Machine Beeps ]

You can smoke here if you want. We don't, but--

Giles? Are you okay?

Dear God, this is ridiculous!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Audrey ] It's incredible. He's seen all your work.

And he says that you're really big in England!

You'd just love him. He's so British, you wouldn't believe it.

[ Laughs ] Screw you! He's old enough to be my father.

So, Ronnie will be back soon? Uh-huh.

Do give him my regards. Sure.

Tell him that I will be following his career with great interest.

Maybe you should tell him. I'd like him to meet you.

I guess you're busy, though, with your writing?

Well, yes, I am, but-- Oh, I don't know. We're really busy too.

And he can get kind of shy. I don't know, maybe he'll call you.

[ Man On Radio ] Now get only a--

[ Radio Ceases ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Birds Chirping ] [ Door Closes ]

[ Typewriter Keys Clacking ]

[ Beeping On TV]

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Bird Squawking ]

So, Giles, he may not show it, right,

but he really wants to hear what you told me...

about his potential.

Oh, really? Really.

He's been kind of low since he got back.

If you could find some way of telling him what you think of him,

well, I'd really appreciate it.

[ Ronnie ] Well, what do you know?

It was the cops. They're keepin' an eye on the place.

One of the neighbors saw some weirdo hangin' around.

[ Audrey ] Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you.

Are you guys comin'in or what? Come on, Strider.

[ Audrey ] It's nothing really, Giles.

Shakespeare?

Oh, yes, his plays are full of it.

Well, wait a minute.

Are you saying that if Shakespeare was alive today,

he'd be doin' things like Hotpants College?

All I'm saying, Ronnie,

is that Shakespeare used bawdy humor to please the mob in the pit.

I never knew that.

Yes, and, of course, he was able to elevate his material...

beyond such limitations... as have you.

I'm not talking about good acting as if it were, say, merely good cooking.

Oh, by the way, the teriyaki was delicious, Audrey.

Thanks.

I'm talking about a type of acting that is purely instinctive.

You see, Ronnie, you have something that gives even the most casual look or gesture...

a real intensity.

Yeah? Oh, yes.

It came as no surprise to me when I heard that you'd been rescued at an early age...

from the hell of advertising.

It was obvious to me that some producer, some astute producer,

had seen what I saw when Abigail persuaded me to see Hotpants College II.

I got that role because I looked like the guy who played Mikey in the original.

Yes, but didn't you completely reinvent the character with a mere string of lines?

Didn't you make Mikey the focus of the entire story?

Well, I wouldn't exactly say that.

As for your fate in the pizza parlor, the plastic tomato and all that, well--

[ Laughs ]

Well, I don't know. This may sound absurd, but--

No, my point of reference would be Wallis' painting...

of the tragic young writer Chatterton...

that hangs in the Tate Gallery.

[ Audrey Sighs ] I'd really like to see that.

But, Giles, we've seen Hotpants in theaters with kids. They don't get any of that.

- Of course not. - But it's made for them.

But they're the rabble in the pit.

[ Audrey Laughs ] We saw Hotpants at this drive-in used to be here.

Ron kept his sunglasses on the whole time.

Giles, did you ever see Tex Mex?

Oh, I did indeed, more than once.

Really killed me when that one bombed.

Ah, yes, I'm afraid it suffered the same fate in Europe.

I really believed in that project. It had--

had a real message.

Yes, it was a great shame really.

In Europe, we have a much stronger tradition of work...

with what you call a message.

That is, after all, why I've been persuaded to write my first screenplay.

Yes, if Tex Mex had been, say,

German about the plight of the exploited Gastarbeiters,

it would have met with a far greater success.

They have Mexicans in Germany?

It probably would have made less money than Hotpants,

but in Europe we're not necessarily interested in that kind of a success,

not when a film can change the way people think.

And that, Ronnie, is why I write.

It's also why you act,

although you may not yet know it.

[ Whirring ]

[ Ronnie ] You married or somethin'?

I was. My wife died unexpectedly sometime ago.

Sorry to hear that.

Got any kids?

No, no, my wife was rather older than myself.

Oh, like me and Aud.

Yes, indeed.

So what's this script about?

Script?

Yeah, you said you were working on a screenplay.

Oh, yes, that.

Oh, I couldn't subject you to work in progress.

Why not?

Then, of course, there is the risk of copyright infringement.

[ Laughs ] Giles, we're old friends, huh?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Ronnie ] Coffee always takes her forever. [ Giles ] Indeed.

Hey, Strider.

So what's it about?

Well,

it concerns a young man, Ronnie,

about your age, I suppose.

He's a deaf-mute...

brought up in complete isolation.

His only human contact is through the television.

So he has been subjected to rather excessive...

and unrealistic types of behavior.

He never speaks? Oh, he cannot speak.

Wow.

Oh, yes, I'm determined that the audience share his subjective state...

rather than merely pity him because, well, that would be awful.

Yeah, yeah.

So what happens?

Understandably enough, he yearns to enter the real world.

So he surrenders himself to the most irrational desire...

known to mankind.

Maybe you can guess what that is?

[ Steam Hissing In Kitchen ]

It is the desire to fall in love, Ronnie.

And since he's been exposed to such a thing on the television every day,

it becomes his quest, so to speak.

And every tale, whether it be Richard The Third...

or Hotpants College The Third, centers upon a quest.

And as in my other work, it will inevitably end with a sacrifice.

The French, in particular, seem to like such a thing.

However, I suspect it is not one for the drive-ins.

Oh, thank you, my dear.

Decaf au lait, no doubt? Uh-huh.

Thanks, babe.

It's brilliant, man.

Oh, I don't think so, not yet. Please.

No, it is.

I've never heard a story line like that. I'm totally blown away.

That's very kind of you.

- It's kind of artsy, I guess. - Oh, dear. Is that bad?

No, no, that's good.

Have you seen Birdy?

Birdy? Birdy, yeah, it's an Alan Parker film.

I met him once. He's from England too.

Ah. [ Phone Ringing ]

[ Beeps, Whirs ]

That's just a fax. Probably more rewrites.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm.

You can smoke, Giles.

[ Laughs ] You smoke? [ Groans ]

Bad habit. Oh, yes, I know.

We'd never have met if he didn't.

Really? Why is that?

Giles chose to stay in Chesterton because he smokes Chestertons.

Cool. Giles?

You know what you were saying about being a writer...

and wanting new experiences and all?

I don't know. Maybe it's not such a good idea.

Come on. Tell us, babe.

Well, I was just thinking. I have a shoot in the city tomorrow...

and I just thought maybe you'd like to come.

They're so boring. Not necessarily.

Not if you haven't been on one. I'm not comin'.

I'm not inviting you.

They're totally boring. Wouldn't I be in the way?

I'd love you to come. I'm sure you'd get some great ideas.

I got a better idea. Why don't I show you the Hamptons?

You don't like the Hamptons.

I do off-season. What do ya say?

It's such a choice.

One couldn't do both?

No way.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

If the weather's okay, we'll go to the coast.

If it's rainy, you go into the city with the supermodel here.

[ Chuckles ] Well, that does sound fair.

Okay, babe?

[ Man ] LaRue digs it out in the corner--

So things look good for Washington and Baltimore tomorrow.

It's a different story in New York. Look at those clouds gobbling up Manhattan.

They're sure to bring rain tomorrow and plenty of it.

Over in Long Island, it's gonna be even worse with both coasts pulling in that low pressure.

[ Traffic Passing ]

[ Laughing ]

Can we have your autograph?

Here. Try these on. [ Indistinct ]

Oh, no, no, no. Go ahead. Put 'em on. It's bright out there.

Very nice. Very nice indeed.

[ Giles ] "Hey, dude, how's it hanging?"

[ Ronnie ] "It's cool."

"Hey, man, I'm real sorry about your mother. Life's a bitch, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess.

You know somethin', Brad? I wish I could have made things easier for her."

"Yeah?" "Yeah.

"It seemed like she was always workin' and stuff.

Never really got a chance to know her."

"Hey, man, don't grief out on me."

"Sorry, man.

Just feelin' a bit lonesome, you know?"

"Hey, you're a college boy now. All those babes don't want to see you lonesome."

"Sure, like I'm Mr. Popular."

"Well, I'm going to make you Mr. Popular,

and that's a promise."

Mmm!

A poignant little scene.

It sets up the whole story line.

I go to college. All the college girls try to mother me.

But I fall in love with a teacher whose husband turns out to be a grand wizard in the KKK.

Uh, something of a message there?

It's the usual stuff.

Tell me, do you get a chance to deliver a eulogy to your mother?

No, no, no way. It would hold up the action.

- You're allowed to improvise? - Thanks, babe.

They get pretty nervous about that.

Hmph.

What's the point?

Where you been hidin'yourself?

I was talking to our neighbor. Is that okay?

Is this one of those telephones that doesn't have to be plugged in?

Quite remarkable, isn't it?

Hey, I have a great idea.

Giles, why don't you call your godchild in England?

I'm sorry? Abigail, wasn't it?

You could call her and tell her you're sitting here with Ronnie Bostock.

Ron could say hi to her. I know she'd just die.

Well, I'm afraid-- I'm afraid it's the middle of the night in England.

They're only five hours ahead.

You know what, Aud?

That's about the stupidest idea I ever heard. What am I supposed to say to the kid?

Huh? I'm sorry, Giles. Oh.

Jesus!

[ Typewriter Keys Clacking Slowly ]

[ Thinking ] "Ronnie. Brackets. At his mother's grave.

"End of brackets.

"I'd like to say a few words by Walt Whitman,

if that's okay with everyone."

[ Ronnie ] I'd like to say a few words by Walt Whitman, if that's okay with everyone.

"The untold want...

"by life and land never granted.

Now, voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find."

[ Chuckling ]

[ Man ] Let's go. Bring him home. Bring him home.

I suspect you're going to have to explain the rules to me.

Okay, you gotta hit the ball and run around the bases to home.

Hence, baseball.

Hmm, rather like circular cricket.

I guess.

[ Applause, Cheering ]

Is there something wrong, Audrey?

We're going to see my folks tomorrow up in Vermont.

Vermont? For a week.

For a week? Before Ron has to go back.

That's a strike, Giles.

To, uh, Los Angeles?

Right.

Ronnie never mentioned this. He doesn't know yet.

You understand that we still have a lot of work to do on the script.

That's too bad. I guess he'll get by.

[ Umpire ] Strike! That's a strike, too, Giles.

Audrey, surely it is as clear to you as it is to me...

that he deserves a great deal more than "getting by."

He'll do it this time. He never gets struck out.

Watch this, Giles. It's gonna be a good one. The bases are loaded.

You realize this is...

a very crucial moment in his life.

God, you're good.

-[ Man ] All right! -[ Bat Hits Ball ]

[ Applause, Cheering ]

That's a home run, Giles.

Ronnie.

So...

this is your last day in Long Island.

Or, should one say, on Long Island?

Yeah, Aud's gettin' kind of itchy, so--

I'm also leaving Long Island soon. Really?

We should hook up in Europe sometime.

I'd like that.

Ronnie, I'd like that very much.

Of course, you must honor your obligations to Audrey.

It strikes me that you're very young to be making such a commitment,

especially with your career at this crucial stage.

Yeah, well, a guy's got to know when he's on to a good thing, right?

It was like that for you, wasn't it?

Uh, well, I suppose so, yes.

It's a birthmark.

They cover it up for shooting, but I like it.

You know, I always thought it was on the right.

How do you mean?

Ronnie, I have a confession to make to you.

I've been waiting for you for quite some time.

Oh, shit, Giles, I'm sorry. I had to drop Aud--

Several years, in fact.

What?

Ronnie, there is nothing more solitary than an artist's life.

No doubt you'll find that out for yourself.

Painfully, perhaps.

One yearns for solace without quite knowing where to look for it.

But I found it in you.

Oh--

That's great.

Ronnie, I have another confession to make.

I brought you here not to say good-bye,

but to make you an offer.

An offer?

I am prepared to devote myself to your career.

Wow, Giles, I, uh-- [ Clears Throat ]

I'm honored. I don't know what to say.

You got to come out west. We can start to work on something.

No, Ronnie, forget Los Angeles. Put it behind you.

Your future lies in Europe.

Giles, I gotta take things one step at a time.

Aud would love to go back to Europe and do more work.

It would be cool to spend time there-- "Cool"?

I'm talking about a turning point in your life.

But I've got no contacts there. People know me here.

As what?

Ronnie, as what?

Look, um,

we'll keep in touch, huh?

Listen to me, Ronnie.

In Europe, it is often the case that a--

a young man benefits from the--

the wisdom and the experience of an elder.

Why, there's almost a tradition of such friendships.

Cocteau and Radiguet.

Uh, Verlaine, Rimbaud.

Rambo?

Arthur Rimbaud, French poet.

He--

He was Paul Verlaine's lover.

Look, Giles, uh, I really gotta go. I gotta pick up Aud.

I don't want her to be-- Now, listen.

I understand your misgivings,

and I respect the fact that your immediate plans...

are founded on these temporary attachments.

"Temporary attachments"?

Well, Ronnie, your relationship with Audrey...

is hardly likely to last forever.

And why is that?

Well, it-- I'm afraid it's obvious to me.

What exactly are you tryin' to say, Giles?

[ Whispers ] Ronnie, please. Look, Giles.

I would like to believe all the things you said about my career,

but you got things all wrong. Ronnie.

Ronnie, listen to me. You don't understand.

Giles, I think I do understand, and I have to go now.

How can you act like this...

when you know--

You must know how completely,

how desperately...

I love you.

[ Door Bell Dings ]

Dear God,

what have I done?

[ Man ] Back where he should be in the lineup tonight.

His batting average is .395, just what it should be.

Now the question is, how many hits is he gonna get tonight?

How ya doin'?

I wonder if you could do me a great favor and add this to your deliveries?

I don't know if I can do that, sir.

It's a federal offense. Surely--

I'm sorry, sir.

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Phone Rings, Fax Beeps ]

[ Giles ] My dear Ronnie, it is so difficult to know...

where I should begin, especially when,

unlike you, I already know the ending.

But let us say that this story began with the end of another,

far, far from the surf of Long Island.

Tell me, when one sends a fax,

uh, is it possible for it to be reversed?

How do you mean, sir?

Well, can it be got back?

I don't know about that.

I imagine not.

You wanna turn back?

Oh, I think it's rather late for that.

You sure? Quite sure, thank you.

Hey!

[ Giles ] Well, Ronnie, there it is,

the end of our story.

And also the beginning of a new story for me,

but perhaps you've worked that out for yourself.

But what of you, my darling?

For no one on Earth knows you better than I do.

And if you've read thus far,

I know you'll never bring yourself to destroy this letter...

nor will you ever show it to anyone else.

And it will gradually dawn on you that your life might have taken a very different course...

had you simply been able to open your heart to another.

And you'll often return to this letter.

You'll read it again and again in the years to come...

until you no longer have to read what you'll know by heart.

And you'll cherish it as a source of pride...

in the face of an uncaring world.

I'd like to say a few words by Walt Whitman, if that's okay with everyone.

"Now finale to the shore.

"Now land and life, finale and farewell.

"The untold want by life and land never granted.

"Now, voyager, sail thou forth...

to seek and find."

This subtitle was tuned up - by Adiku