Original subtitles

[**]

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

[WHISPERING] Shh! Quiet.

Listen. Listen.

Shit, this is scary.

[RUMBLING GROWS LOUDER]

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ!

[WHISPERING] They've gone. Let's go.

No.

Listen. Listen.

They are coming back down.

Oh, God.

[CALLING] Steckler...

Steckler...

It's him!

It's him!

Who?

Oh, my God.

What's he doing in this country?

[GERMAN ACCENT] Oh, Steckler, why don't you talk to me?

I know you're out there, Steckler.

Steckler, what's going on?

You have stolen something from us, Steckler.

I've come a long way to get it back.

Return it and we will be good friends again.

Jawohl, Steckler?

Oh, by the way, Steckler...

that first little sale you arranged,

we had to cancel that.

That lovely agent from the German government

was very upset with you,

when you double-crossed him.

I think he would have killed you,

so we killed him instead.

We cut off his head.

Oh, God!

[SCREAMING]

Steckler...

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Pull over.

We'll chew the fat a little.

Oh, God!

What are you doing? Stop!

No! No!

Nein!

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Halt! Steckler!

Halt!

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No.

No! Please!

[CRIES ECHOING]

[LOUD, PASSIONATE LOVEMAKING]

Shut up, you sex fiends!

Ma'am, what do you want us to do?

Arrest them.

You're the vice squad.

It's not against the law.

WOMAN: You horse!

You big horse!

Oh, you moose!

Oh, you elephant!

She's got the Wild Kingdom in there.

What are you going to do?

I think we ought to sell tickets.

Hey, hey! You guys cops?

Are you going to do something about

Mae West and Harry Reems in there?

Every night, humpety-hump, sloshety-slosh.

I feel like I'm living in a Pussycat Theater.

Stuff a sock in it, you degenerate!

Jesus Christ, every fucking night!

[HOWLING]

Goddamn!

Change coats with me.

Get away from that door.

You'll catch something.

Sir, I'm Dr. Ballsup

from the District of Columbia Health Department.

This is a spot check, sir.

Hi. I'm Dr. Ballsup from the Health Department.

You are wearing a condom at this time,

are you not, sir? Condom?

Uh, well, no.

I left it at home on the dresser.

Oh, well, we've heard that before.

I'm afraid I'll have to cite you

under D.C. Statute 3086942-64.

Is this a joke?

No, ma'am.

Safe sex in the '80s is no joke.

Officer Delaney, do you have any of those

"indiscriminate copulation" citation forms?

Uh...

You know, I'm fresh out.

Well, it has been a busy week--

The orgy, yes.

Come on, fellas, give me a break.

My wife lost her job.

My kid's been sick.

Sir, have you ever been cited

for D.C. Ordinance 9--

30869...42-64?

No, sirs. Never. Swear to God.

Look, I always carry one in my wallet.

I just used the last one.

See, there's the indentation.

He's correct about the indentation.

Yes, I see.

Give him a break.

Okay.

Well, since we don't have the proper forms

and this is your first offense,

I'll let you off with a warning,

but I'm going to ask you to cease and desist,

until such time as you have obtained

another condom, okay?

Now, please, sir,

let's all practice safe sex, shall we?

It's for your safety as well as for ours.

Have a nice night.

Keep your nose clean.

Stern, you're crazier than they said you were.

[SIREN WAILING]

Hey, Stern, wait up.

I got a message from the captain.

Send a singing telegram.

Well, well--

MacArthur Stern, supercop.

How's things out on the sleaze patrol?

Boy, the gaudier the cop, the snappier the patter.

What's on your mind, Weskit,

besides stale material?

You know what you guys in vice ought to do?

Every time you bust a whore,

you ought to paint a tit on the side of your car

to keep score.

Oh, Weskit, I don't want to use the five points of IQ

it would take to have a battle of wits with you.

Now, what the hell do you want?

Captain's bringing you back to homicide.

You've got a briefing in the morning at 8:00 A.M.

The porno murders.

Yeah, you being an expert in the field.

I give you three days,

and then you're back in the toilet.

Who am I partnered with? Anybody I know?

You kidding?

Nobody you know will work with you.

Anyway, you're going to love this guy.

[CHUCKLES]

What's so funny?

So this is the old Woody you were always working on.

Yeah. It's beautiful.

Looks like a diner I used to eat in.

Hey. You know what this car represents?

What do you think? I'm ignorant?

I read that psychology crap.

It represents your dick.

What? That's right.

An automobile represents a man's dick.

It's an extension of your penis.

This Woody represents what you want your dick to be.

Actually, I think you're flattering yourself.

You ought to be driving a compact.

A Hyundai or something like that.

You're disgusting, Weskit.

This doesn't represent my dick.

It represents order. Order?

That's right, order.

When I slide this key into that ignition,

and I hear that engine purr,

I know there's order in the universe.

There's continuity.

There's a continuum.

Do you know what I mean?

That's some deep shit, Stern.

I give you two days.

Maybe one.

One day. One day.

You should write a book, Weskit.

Me and My Lobotomy.

All right. All right.

[BELLS CHIMING AND MONKS CHANTING]

Ellis!

Ellis!

I just talked to the captain.

He said if you're ready, he is.

Are you ready, Ellis?

You're the doctor.

Clinically, I think you're ready.

I want to know what you feel.

I'm as sane as most people.

You'll have to face violence again,

if you're going into police work.

You know that.

I know.

We discussed that. We dealt with it.

If I have to, I have to, and I will.

Just don't be afraid to fail.

Failure and recovery

is the natural order of things.

Don't worry about me, Father.

I'll be fine.

I haven't had a fragmentary episode

in months.

You're right, absolutely.

You're the sanest person I know.

Actually, that's not very encouraging,

coming from you.

You're a psychiatrist.

Everyone you know is crazy...

or celibate.

Come on.

I'll help you pack.

[KNOCKING]

MacArthur Stern?

Yeah.

Captain Doggett sent us out to get you.

Oh.

I oversleep a little, and they send the cops on me.

There's been another killing.

And they want us to go there now, right?

That's what the captain says.

Nice place. Decorate it yourself?

Fuck you.

Goddamn it, it's hot.

It must be 110 out here.

Hey, Mac. How you been?

Hey. Remember Camus?

Yeah. How's Claire?

Claire?

Claire's a born-again Christian.

Go on. She's a Catholic.

Every time I go see my son,

calls me the Antichrist and hides under the bed.

Oh. Over here.

What's going on here?

What the hell you got there?

What, this?

This is a cat.

Going to track the killers with it?

Most people use dogs.

Come on, Weskit, we know it's a cat.

That's really funny, Weskit.

I had a fire in my apartment this morning.

I didn't want to leave him in the car, so I...

What do you got here?

Male. Caucasian.

Teeth extracted. Fingerprints zapped.

Here's where they pulled the boat in

to dump the body.

Must've been pretty big, from the size of the hole.

Not only that,

over at Quiller's Boatyard, I've got two more dead guys.

Counting four from the other night,

that makes seven.

[MAN RETCHING]

What's with this guy? Who is he?

That man possesses the keenest analytical mind

I've ever seen, bar none.

[RETCHING]

Hey, Ellis, how you feeling?

Come on, pal. I want you to meet somebody.

I want you to meet your new partner.

Ellis Fielding, Mac Stern.

[RETCHING]

People just don't like you, Stern.

Let's get out of here.

We're going to the boatyard.

Wrap it up, Weskit.

Yeah, you love me, don't you baby?

Okay, okay, let's go.

[MAKING MOTORBOAT SOUNDS]

[IMITATES SCREAMING]

It's inspiring to see a great analytical mind at work.

Just wait. Just wait.

Tell him to slow down.

I want to take some notes.

Go on, make cracks.

What's he doing now?

Hey, hey, somebody call a cop.

What?

Jesus Christ, another one!

A gorilla was murdered?

Last night, a guy in a gorilla suit was murdered

at the Hookers' Ball about a mile down the river.

That explains the costumes.

Okay, captain.

You find something, Fielding?

I think it's pretty clear, sir.

Let's hear it.

Well, okay.

It happened approximately like this:

That launch there was being pursued

by another, probably larger, powerboat.

The launch came up out of the water at high speed,

sailed through all this debris here,

and then, before final impact, two victims were thrown clear.

Then, when the launch finally came to rest,

two other gentlemen,

one dressed as the Queen of Hearts

from Alice in Wonderland,

like these other characters around here,

and the other,

probably dressed as the Mad Hatter

jumped out of the boat and ran.

Then, someone in the powerboat on the water opened fire,

and over the fence

went the Queen of Hearts.

Oh, boy, the Queen of Hearts.

Good. Now we'll finally find out who painted the roses red.

Now, at this point,

all the men in the powerboat

came ashore.

Someone killed the rabbit right here,

where the body was found.

Then, two men

chased the fat man dressed as the Queen of Hearts,

but he got away.

Someone tormented the German gentleman

who was dressed as the Cheshire Cat.

He taunted him from here all the way over to here,

then shot him,

here, where the body was found.

That's as detailed as I can be with such a cursory examination.

I'm sure it's reasonably accurate.

I could answer questions now, if you want.

Well, do you want them one at a time, or all together?

Oh, give them to me all at once.

Okay, number one: How do you know

the gunfire came from this alleged powerboat?

Number two: How do you know anybody escaped,

let alone two people?

Number three: How do you know one was dressed

as the Queen of Hearts?

Number four: How do you know he was overweight?

Number five: How do you know this guy was German?

Number six: How do you know he was tormented?

And finally, how do you know any of this shit?

Physical evidence.

Look at all these hits all the way around here

where I've marked with the yellow pegs...

and up on the doors.

That could have come from the shore.

No.

Why?

I pulled all kinds of .30 caliber slugs and shells

out of here.

Now, you've got to admit

that's weird ordnance for an amateur.

I figure the guy must have been a pro.

Look at the hits in the door.

Looks like the Dow Jones Industrial Average.

No professional marksman would be that inaccurate,

indicating that the firing began when the boat

was still bobbing in the water,

hence causing the erratic pattern of fire.

What about the guy dressed as the Queen of Hearts?

How do you know he was so fat?

I found this scrap of costume on the fence,

indicating whoever wore it got over the fence.

Look, you see this flower?

See?

This flower...

See? It's a rose.

See the rose?

It's a rose worn by the Queen of Hearts.

See?

Everybody knows her eye. See, there's her eye.

So...if we project just how large

this card might have been on a costume,

we can conclude that the man who wore it

was of great bulk.

That's why I figure there were two men.

The guy who wore this was probably a little too huge

to get over the fence without help.

Pray continue.

I know this man was tormented

because, look, he's got a broken leg

with the tibia protruding through.

It would have been agonizing for him to move at all,

much less crawl the 30 feet he must have been forced to.

How do you know he's German?

That's the neatest of all.

The killers were very meticulous

in removing all identifying objects.

Details.

They overlooked one thing.

Look closely.

You see, he's had his leg broken before.

He probably snapped it skiing or something,

at least, that's what it looks like.

Joe, give me what we extracted.

We pulled out this surgical repair pin.

If you look closely, you can read:

"Nummer vier Kupferschiene Auflander Medizinisch."

It's a West German domestic medical supply company.

They were clumsy in overlooking this.

Those morons.

Of course, he might have been another nationality

and just had his leg broken and set in Germany,

but there is corroboration.

What do you see?

A crotch.

I don't much like it.

The shorts, though.

Yeah?

There's no fly.

No pee-pee hole.

No opening. You know, European-style.

That's it in a nutshell.

Detective Stern,

I was most impressed by your recall of detail

in your querying of my account.

You've a very adequate mind.

Well, thank you very much.

Well, guess I'll go back to the lab

and see how they're doing on the other bodies,

especially the headless one.

Right, Ellis. Right.

Great work. Great work.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

[WHISPERING] Thanks for the chance, Uncle Del.

Shh. Well, that's great.

I got to talk to Mac for a minute, okay?

Okay.

Check the registration on that launch, will you?

Hey, this guy is sharp.

Oh, yeah?

There's something wrong with that dude.

You know your problem, Mac?

You have no charity.

Hey, what is this? "Doo-doo on Mac" week?

[RADIO BLARING]

My training's in forensics, ballistics, police science.

John Jay College, '74-'79.

Would you mind turning that off, please?

It disrupts my energy patterns.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

Forensics, huh?

I guess that's where you developed

your observational powers.

Hold the wheel for a second, will you?

What? Hold this for a second.

I've got to do this.

Um, Mr. Stern...

Mm-hmm.

What are you going to do with that?

What do you think I'm going to do with it, kid?

I'm going to roll a cigarette here,

and then I'm going to smoke it.

I bet you don't like cigarettes, do you?

Give off bad vibes?

No, they make my eyes burn

and my lungs hurt.

I see.

So, do you mind?

It's a nasty habit anyway.

Um...

So, you've been in narcotics

all this time, huh?

Actually, I've been on sick leave

for much of the last two years.

What's wrong?

Is this a cat?

No, that's a giraffe.

Of course, it's a cat, why?

[MEOWING]

Will your cat always be coming on assignments with us?

No, my cat almost never will be with us on assignments.

Oh, just very special ones.

Actually, I had to leave my apartment this morning

on short notice.

I'm allergic to cats.

Mind if I cover him up?

No, Ellis, go ahead. Cover up my cat.

I'll bet you're allergic to a lot of things, aren't you?

I'm annoying you, aren't I?

Oh...just a teensy little bit, really.

Anything else about me that annoys you?

Anything at all?

No.

No?

Come on.

There must be one little thing.

No, no, nothing.

Really? Let's be frank now.

My driving. What about my driving?

Well, since you mentioned it,

could you possibly drive a bit slower?

[MEOWING]

I always annoy people. I don't mean to.

Is there anything else about me

that I need to improve?

Anything at all?

No, sir.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm going to drive now.

Real slow.

Okay.

Okay?

[TURNS RADIO ON]

Hi, Rachel.

Hey, come here, you little son of a bitch!

Goddamn it!

I'll meet you in the morgue.

[SNEEZING] All right.

Get him out of here.

He's slobbering all over my desk.

Rachel.

Mac.

Like your slacks. Are they tailored?

First day back,

starting with that sexist stuff?

Hey, let's put it this way,

I'd rather be sexist than racist.

You're not sexist. You're just crude.

Aw, poor baby. Having a bad day?

I'm having a terrible day.

Say something nice to me, will you, please?

You have very strong-looking thighs

for a white man.

I like that, yeah.

Hey, would you be honest with me?

Am I selfish and self-centered?

No, but I have figured out

what's wrong with you.

Wait a minute.

Was there a recent symposium?

Everybody on the planet

get together, and discuss what's wrong with Mac Stern?

I was just going to say you need a good woman.

Oh, yeah?

You want to live with me?

I hear you don't live anywhere.

Well, that's true.

Well, what about my cat living with you...

just till I find a place?

Okay, Mac. What's his name?

Camus.

Camus?

He's not suicidal, is he?

That's good.

Oh, wait a minute.

Captain said to tell you

they've identified the owner of the boat

those guys were killed in.

Harry Gutterman. Harry "The Hippo."

Porno dealer.

Gutterman? What's that, his stage name?

He owns a little S&M club in the industrial district.

Captain said to be sure you take note

the guy weighs 350 pounds.

What's that mean?

Queen of Hearts.

Son of a gun. Queen of Hearts.

Queen of Hearts.

S&M club?

Like sadism and masochism?

Yeah, you know,

you scratch my back,

I'll scratch yours, only real hard.

Mac, I don't think I can go into a club like that.

We're not going to join.

We're just going to question a witness.

Well, I know, but...

It's not that I'm a Trudy Prudy--

What? What is it?

It's that whole concept of pain and--

Look, it's part of the job, kid.

I know. I know.

Don't get me wrong, okay?

But did you ever stop to think

that maybe you're not ideally suited

for police work?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Lots of times.

Look, if anybody is rude to you,

you just tell old Uncle Mac,

and I'll give them such a smack.

Okay, thanks.

[**]

Look at this--

a subculture based on pain and degradation.

I'm not a prude, really.

I don't think it's disgusting.

I think it's stupid.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can.

Get us a couple of Shirley Temples, would you?

Shirley Temples?

Yeah, you know,

it's that red fizzy shit in a tall glass,

got a cherry and a couple of straws.

On your way, bozo. This is a private club.

He's right. Come on.

No. No. No. Wait a minute.

That's unconstitutional, not to mention impolite.

I came to see Mr. Gutterman.

You fix that drink for me or I'll--

No drinks without a membership card.

What is this?

Here's my membership card.

Lets me go any place I want to go.

Right now, I want to go through that green door

to see the place where you guys take those cigarette butts

and put them out in each other's navels. Understand?

Fake badges are cheap. Let me see it again.

Hey, you! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Hey!

Ellis!

What are you doing?

Give me a hand will you?

Come on, Ellis!

Ellis!

I just can't deal with the violence.

Now you tell me!

[CACKLING]

[POMPOUS BRITISH ACCENT] Excuse me for a minute.

Please, everyone! Please, quiet, please!

Would you, please?

Hello, how are you?

Albert Glendenning. How are you?

Albert--

Please! Please! Thank you very much.

I'm Albert Glendenning.

I'm your director of sports and recreation today,

and we're going to learn how to box the correct way.

Now--

[IMITATING THE COWARDLY LION FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ]

Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

I'll fight you with one hand tied behind my back.

Come on. Come on.

Who's next? Who's next?

[LAUGHING]

Come on. Come on. Come on.

I'll fight you with my eyes closed.

I don't really know this guy.

You nervous? Come on--

Look what we have here, boys.

A really big pussy.

[IMITATES CLINT EASTWOOD FROM DIRTY HARRY]

You got to ask yourself one question:

Do you feel lucky, punk?

Do you?

Do you?

[IMITATES RADIO ANNOUNCER] Out of the West, through a cloud of dust,

with a hearty "Hi-yo, Silver!" rides the Lone Ranger

with his faithful Indian companion, Tonto.

Hi-yo, Silver!

[HUMS THEME SONG-- WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE]

Hold it! Hold it.

Get up there. Come on.

Spread them, come on. Spread them.

Get up. Come on, get up Spread them.

Hold it right there, butterball.

Come on. Get over there.

Hey! Nothing doing. back in line.

Everybody get back. Party's over.

Come on.

Jesus, Joseph, Mary and all the saints.

Ellis, are you all right?

Was I... Did I...

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine, Mac.

Yeah.

What the hell were you doing out there?

A diversionary tactic.

You know, the old Iroquois shaman trick,

where you make them think you're crazy,

throw them off guard.

Worked like a charm.

Didn't it?

Where'd you learn that, John Jay College?

Well, graduate studies...

after.

Call the precinct. Get some help, will you?

Sure, Mac.

All right, Metropolitan Police.

Clear the way here.

Don't move or I'll shoot.

You move, I swear to God, I'll blow your brains out.

You moved!

Didn't you hear what I said?

What are you, deaf, or what?

Don't you see this? You want to get hurt?

Are you guys really cops?

I'm a cop, I don't know what the hell he is.

Shit, I can't tell the good guys

from the bad guys.

The only time I'll feel safe

is if I shoot everybody.

I'm a nervous wreck.

I'm so sorry I looked at it.

Why did I look at it?

Because I'm a schmuck, that's why.

If you're a cop, I demand protection.

You hear me? I want protection.

Don't you understand? They're crazy.

They're killing everybody who saw it.

Everybody!

All right, now, look, you testify,

and we'll put you in the witness protection program.

Oh, really?

Will you calm down?

What'd you see that makes these guys want to kill you?

A movie. A movie?

Yes, a movie.

A porno movie, that's all.

Triple-X stuff.

Only this one starred guess who?

Hitler and a couple of Nazi guys.

You're kidding. You saw this with your own eyes?

Yes. We all saw it.

Except this movie has no repeat business.

What are you talking about?

I mean, everybody who saw the movie is dead,

except for me and Steckler.

Steckler? Who's Steckler?

Steckler is the kraut who stole the film

and was trying to hawk it.

And the other German guy, the Cheshire Cat?

Mueller.

He's a porno dealer from Stuttgart.

He's the guy who brought Steckler over to meet us.

Hey, Mac--

Ellis. Ellis, shush, will you?

I'm trying to get some information here.

What's a film like this worth?

Major bucks.

A collector would pay almost anything

for a copy of it.

Yeah, a bunch of dead Nazis screwing.

No. No, it's not just a skin flick.

There's historical stuff in it too.

Could we get the hell out of here?

They may be following us. Don't you understand?

Um, Mac, excuse me-- Ellis, please!

I'm trying to get some information--

Yeah, do you mind?

Steckler, he barely knew you. Why'd he want to save you?

Mac, you've got to look!

[YELLS]

Ooh!

Jesus.

I'm glad you put on the brakes, Mac.

Let me out of here.

So am I.

Somebody want...

must want Gutterman pretty bad, huh?

We got trouble. We got trouble.

Who are these guys?

What's that?

I brought this from a guy at an antique store.

He swore to me it would work.

Come on, Toto.

If I get killed,

I'm going to go back and kick his butt.

Get out of the way!

I'll get you, my little pretty...

and your little dog too.

I want those ruby slippers.

What are you doing? Playing leapfrog?

Come on. Come on. Put them up. Put them up.

Get out of there, Hondo!

Come on...

Yahoo!

Oh, my God.

[GUNFIRE]

What, you call this protection?

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Give me some fire! Come on!

Do I have to?

Yeah!

What the hell were you doing

out in the middle of the street?

Another... diversionary tactic.

Can you drive?

Yeah.

Drive? You're going to follow them?

Are you guys crazy?

Oh, shit.

Come on, Ellis.

Your turn signal doesn't work.

Are you bullshitting me? Come on!

Please don't curse when I'm driving.

It's very distracting.

Ellis, this is not driver's ed.

Step on the gas!

A courteous driver is a safe driver, Mac.

This is an authorized police pursuit.

Do you understand me?

This is cops-and-robbers time.

Cops and robbers! Cops and robbers, Ellis.

Cops and robbers!

[SINGS THEME FROM STAR TREK]

Slow down!

What's he doing?

I don't know. What are you doing?

Mr. Sulu, set a course for the Klingon battle fleet.

Prepare all photon torpedoes and phasers banks

for full engagement.

Mr. Scott, damage report.

No, no. No damage report.

You're not Captain Kirk.

You're right. I'm not Kirk.

Slow down, will you? You're going to kill us!

I'm Scott in engineering.

Captain, we'll never get those reactors up

and back to full power before we engage the enemy.

Oh, jeez.

You're not Mr. Scott.

I'm Bones.

Bones! The ship's medic.

Do something!

What do you want me to do?

I'm Mr. Spock.

Captain Kirk, I relieve you of your command.

That's what you call doing something?

Playing Mr. Spock?

[CRASHING]

Hey! All my stuff went--

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, bad guys!

STERN: Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, not my car!

Look what you're doing to my car!

Welcome to the NASCAR driving school.

Anybody can learn to drive a stock car

with our patented technique of teaching.

[GUTTERMAN SCREAMING]

The wall!

Look out!

[SCREAMING]

Yellow flag on the track. Yellow flag.

No, no! Not the other side of my car!

Starting time, .271.

We're traveling at hyperphase velocity for planet Kirilon.

[SCREAMING]

Mr. Sulu, warp speed.

Warp?

No! No! No! Not warp speed!

[SCREAMING]

[SIRENS]

Mr. Scott, damage report.

What's going on, captain?

I can't get any power to this reactor.

What in blue blazes happened?

The Enterprise is sagging like a limp pud.

COP: Put your hands on that wheel, clown!

Hi, boys. I'm Ricky Rudd.

Totalled! Ruined!

The engine, the body, even the damn ashtray!

I put hundreds of man-hours and thousands of dollars

into that machine out there, Del,

and that's a dream that died! It just died!

Take it easy, will you?

Take it easy?!

Look, I just did the Firecracker 400

with Ricky Rudd, Rusty Wallace,

Captain Kirk, and Commander Spock!

I'm sorry, Mac. I thought he was ready.

Yeah, he's ready all right,

for a nut house someplace.

Hey, Del, the good news is

that he qualified for a group rate.

Goddamn it, will you shut up?

Now, sit down and listen to me, will you, please?

You owe me that, at least.

All right. I owe you that.

This is not going to be easy.

Oh, Jesus...

All right.

All right, here it is, straight out.

Ellis is my nephew.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I thought you'd like that one.

Oh, Del...

[SNORTS LIKE A PIG]

That's a good one.

He always wanted to be a cop,

but he simply wasn't cut out for it,

but he wouldn't let go of it.

He was at me all the time, "I want to be a cop, Del.

"Everybody in the family is a cop, Del.

I want to be a cop."

So I felt sorry for him and gave him a break.

So I put him in narcotics.

Hey, he was mind-blowing, Mac.

Kid was a natural, a goddamned genius.

He went undercover.

He got picked up by a couple of Colombians.

Well, you know those bastards.

Before they're through with you,

killing you is a favor.

They tortured that kid, Mac,

for two days solid and left him for dead.

You should see the scars.

And that's when this personality disorder business started.

It was wild.

I mean, it scared the shit out of me.

He started imitating people.

Armando...

Armando was the man who tortured him.

He acted out the whole thing.

Then he came up with this crazy English guy,

and then more of them came out--

a cast of thousands-- it was unbelievable.

I've seen it. I've seen it.

So he was institutionalized

for a year with the brothers.

The brothers?

Benedictine monks. They looked after him.

They think now he's ready.

Well, obviously he's not.

Come on, Mac. Give the kid a break, will you?

He can't get it together all at once.

I mean, he's going to have a few draw--

Don't fuck with me, Mac.

I owe that kid, and you owe me.

As a matter of fact, pal, if it wasn't for me,

it might very well be you up there with those brothers.

Well, that's true.

So if I don't take the kid,

you're going to give me Weskit, huh?

Have to, pal. He's the senior man.

Your nephew?

So this guy we found in the marsh

was an agent of the German government?

Oh, not only that,

but Steckler, the guy with the film?

Yeah. Guess who pays his salary?

Who? Kurt Von Metz.

The Von Metz who's running for chancellor of Germany?

Same guy.

You're kidding.

It seems Steckler was his personal secretary.

Interesting, all the German connections, huh?

Fielding?

So we've got a German agent, and a porno king...

now Von Metz.

That's a load of sauerkraut.

How about me running over to the German Embassy tomorrow

and just take a look around?

Why don't you?

Mac....

I know you don't want me for your partner anymore.

I don't blame you.

By now, you know I've got this little condition...

and one of the things that triggers it is...

driving.

Condition, huh?

Well, I'll tell you,

we're going to have

a kind of a limited partnership.

Your Uncle Del will tell you about it.

I'm going home.

You told him I was your nephew?

He guessed.

I don't have a home.

You do now.

Hmm...

Forgive me, sir,

but I only want a simple yes or no.

Were you associated with Adolf Hitler?

I shall answer you as I did

when I was nominated commander of NATO,

Mr. Waslinski.

I never had the displeasure of even meeting Adolf Hitler.

Any guess, Mr. Von Metz,

where these rumors have come from?

Sensation mongers.

The supermarket journalists.

Next, they will have me in a bungalow

with Marilyn Monroe,

or maybe I am in daily communication

with your Elvis Presley.

Let me now go on to ask--

Just a moment, Mr. Waslinski.

Are your viewers aware that I was in prison?

Would you care to enlighten them as to why I was there?

Sir, you were sentenced

for participating in the September plot.

Which was?

Which was a plot to assassinate Hitler.

Thank you.

Sir, but your critics say

that this whole assassination business was fabricated

in order to give you protection

Who He is here.

from the war-crime tribunal--

Sir, they say evidence, hard evidence, exists

that not only links you to Adolf Hitler, but actually--

What are you doing here?

You wanted to see me.

Are you mad?

Never near him. Never!

I gave you a meeting place.

It couldn't wait until then.

See, we have a crisis.

Steckler's disappeared.

All those people that you killed.

A chief of intelligence.

We hired you to get the film back,

not to start a holocaust.

It must stop.

You lecture me, you fool?

I didn't let him steal it.

You're all morons.

Including him.

What goes on here, Grimmer,

is something that you do not understand.

Now, find Steckler.

Tell him all will be forgiven.

He will be reinstated.

We will match whatever offer he has,

but no more killing.

You think he will believe that?

There are only two left now,

and when they are gone,

your mistakes will be corrected.

I am telling you-- Nein!

I am telling you, you do your job,

and I do mine,

and if you ever touch me again...

dann schneide ich deine Finger ab.

Yeah, looks like an explosion in a dairy.

Great for graffiti, though.

I know it's kind of blank, but it's this MPD thing.

MPD?

Yeah, my condition.

Multiple Personality Disorder.

They say I should cut down

on the amount of stimuli I process.

Well, you've cut down to none.

Want to hear a tape?

Yeah. What do you got?

Earth, forest,

wind, beach...

Beach.

Okay.

[WAVES CRASHING AND SEAGULLS]

I guess you might say

I'm kind of searching for myself.

Well, let me know if you ever find yourself, kid,

because I'd like to meet you.

Have a seat.

You know, we have a lot in common.

Hm? Yeah.

For every mood that I'm in,

you have a complete personality to fit it.

Well, thanks for trying to understand.

I guess I keep this apartment white,

because I really don't know who I am.

It's kind of like a blank piece of film

waiting to be exposed

to what I was before my trauma,

or what I've become since I was last myself,

or what I hope to be again some day.

One person. One mind.

You sound like a bumper sticker.

Listen, Mac, you're welcome to stay

as long as you want.

Got the extra room and everything.

Yeah, I'm kind of tired.

If you don't mind, I...

Oh, sure. It's around the corner.

Hit the sack...

Here's the guest room-- your room.

Sorry, I guess I could have used a little color in here.

Uh, there's a toothbrush, and shaving stuff,

and a bathrobe on the back of the door here.

Just help yourself. Make yourself at home.

Okay.

[KNOCKING]

Yeah?

Hi. It's me.

Well, I figured.

Look, Mac, there's no real way of telling

whether I'm going to go into an episode tonight.

You know, I just don't know when they occur, but...

when I start these personalities,

sometimes it's like I'm kind of having a nightmare.

Sort of weird, you know?

I doubt I'll do anything violent,

but lock the door, just in case.

Well, I can take care of myself.

I'll be out of here tomorrow.

Well, stay as long as you want.

Sleep tight.

Land jets!

Prepare to land jets!

[SCREAMING]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Please!

Please get these rats off me now!

You like rats? You like roaches?

You like bugs of all descriptions?

[SCREAMING]

Don't listen to him.

[KNOCKING]

We'll never go anywhere. We're going to 23 leagues.

Do you know where that is, sir?

Good night, everybody.

[GROWLING]

[NONSENSE SOUNDS]

[LAUGHING LIKE WOODY WOODPECKER]

Mac...

Yeah, I see them, kid.

They've been with us ever since we left your place.

Really?

Yeah, really.

What happened to

those magical powers of observation of yours?

You have a hard night?

Tailing and surveillance

just doesn't happen to be my area of expertise, okay?

Did I do something strange last night?

Do anything to disturb your sleep?

Not a peep.

Think they're the same people

who tried to kill us yesterday?

I don't know.

You don't want to live forever, do you?

I wouldn't mind making

the average male North American life expectancy.

I have given your message to Herr Doberman myself.

Someone will be with you presently.

If you will please wait here.

Uh, here?

Yes, sir.

Right here.

Right here?

Yes, sir.

Right there.

Thank you.

Must be the magic oval.

I guess we're safe in here or something.

Detective Stern.

Bob Smiley, assistant deputy director of the FBI.

You've heard of us.

Just kidding, Mac.

Call me Bob.

It is Mac, right?

MacArthur Stern.

Right.

Look, Mac...

let's get off on the right foot here.

Just kidding, Mac.

I like to keep things loose.

Who's this?

This is Mr. Fielding.

Oh. How are you?

Sorry, my dossier didn't list your partner.

Well, he's not my partner.

He's my tailor.

What?

Just kidding, Bob.

That's funny.

Look, Mac--

Listen, I came down here

to meet with an official of the German government.

Now, why am I speaking to the FBI agent?

Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac...

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob-- What?

So tell me, Mac, are you onto something?

Is that it?

Could be.

Wouldn't be good not to tell me.

I suppose not.

As one professional to another,

I've got to tell you,

we've got a thorny problem, here, Mac.

What's that, Bob?

Well, we're extremely sensitive

to the great job you boys are doing

down there in the trenches.

I started on the bottom rung myself, Mac.

Did you know that?

I didn't know that, Bob.

Yes, indeedy.

Two years, Homicide, Tacoma P.D.

I'll be darned.

Yeah. So, Mac, I want you to know that we're aware

that you have a multiple homicide case to resolve,

and God knows

that's an important bit of public responsibility,

and we're going to open

every bit of this up to you lads

just as soon as

National Security priorities are satisfied.

I think that sounds square.

What do you think, Mac?

I think that sounds pretty shitty, Bob.

Well, I can understand that from your perspective, Mac.

I'd probably feel that way, too,

if I were in your shoes,

but I'm not.

I'm in these shoes...

Thom McCann's, 11 1/2E.

And these shoes walked a lot of hard miles.

These shoes have carried some heavy loads

in terms of this nation's security.

What do you say to that, Mac?

I think those shoes are carrying the biggest load

I've ever seen, Bob.

Well, I can see we got off to the wrong foot after all.

I've got a writ being drafted,

giving me custody of Mr. Gutterman.

I'll be down for him in about an hour.

You boys have a nice day.

Mac, can I say something?

Yeah, Ellis, what is it?

What a fucking putz.

Why, Ellis...

Well, I mean, he's a classic anal-retentive reprobate.

"Anal-retentive..."

It's got a nice ring to it.

It's psychology.

I like "fucking putz" better.

[SINGING "DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND U$$BER ALLES"]

We're going to have to move Gutterman.

He's not going to get along with our Mr. Smiley in there.

Can we do that? Yeah, if we get a forklift.

They're still here.

Wonder what her story is.

Based upon first observations,

subject to revision with further data, of course,

I'd say she's about 5'7",

117 pounds.

DIA, CIA or NSA operative.

recruited out of

Bennington College, Vermont.

Born in Richmond, Virginia.

Turn-ons:

Fellini films

and men with hairy chests who read Chaucer.

Turnoffs:

Macho men who aren't for world peace.

Also has a cat named Bootsy.

What?

Just kidding, Mac.

How the heck would I know who she is?

Ellis, Ellis, Ellis.

Now, come on, Harry.

You know Steckler wouldn't risk his life

helping you over that fence for nothing.

Come on, you can tell us.

You were the buyer.

I don't want to have anything to do with it.

And you guys can't make me do it!

I want my lawyer!

Okay, fine.

I guess we don't need Mr. Gutterman anymore,

do we?

Let's cut him loose, shall we?

Loose? Wait a minute, you can't do that.

I'll be dead before dinner.

Based upon current trends, I'd say that's a good bet.

Yeah, I think so, yeah.

Okay! Okay, you guys want me to confess, I'll confess.

All right, I did it. I did it.

I'll show you where the bodies are. Come on.

Forget it. Gutterman, forget it.

We're going to cut you loose.

Bullshit. Oh, yeah?

You're bluffing. Now, just try me.

You're bluffing. Just try me.

Mr. Gutterman here is innocent,

so we're going to cut him loose.

Will you process him, please?

-Visit anytime. -Process me, Rachel.

Are you sure about this?

-Yeah, I'm sure. -He's innocent?

Yeah, he's innocent.

Rick?

Detective Fielding.

From the Wagner case, a couple of years ago.

Well, I just wanted to repay

the little help that you gave us on that

with a news tip.

Well, we've been holding Harry "The Hippo" Gutterman

as a material witness.

Yeah, Mr. Triple-X himself.

Yeah.

Trouble is, we can't hold him anymore.

We've got to let him go.

Yeah, we're cutting him loose right now.

Wondered if you wanted to come down, ask him a few questions.

You would? Well, great.

How fast could you have a video crew here?

Oh, terrific.

So he would make the noon report, huh?

Well, I tell you something.

You're going to have a terrific interview with this guy.

He's quite a character.

Okay.

That's not funny.

Now you're catching on, kid.

You're signing my death warrant!

Harry, don't use clichés, all right?

We have no respect for you if you use clichés.

This is like a nightmare. Another cliché.

Let's get the newspapers involved in this, all right?

It's a big story. Why not the networks?

Yeah, the National Enquirer-- All right, all right.

All right, what do you want?

When are you going to meet Steckler to buy this film?

Tomorrow. Where?

I own a bathhouse in New York. Let's go.

No. Go. You go. You don't need me.

We don't know what Steckler looks like.

I-- I-- Listen.

I don't want to go with him. He's crazy.

And I have my doubts about you.

-Washington Post. -Reuters International.

-TASS. -CNN.

-Pravda. -MTV.

-New York Times. -I am not going!

I swear to God,

if I get killed, I'm going to sue you guys.

-Uh-oh. -What?

Someone we'd rather not see right now.

Oh, jeez.

So who we running from?

Bad men, Harry.

Chasing us to a police station?

These are really bad guys.

Come on, move it. Move it.

Hey, I want protection.

You'll get protection.

Oh, like I had yesterday?

You're not dead, are you?

-That's protection. -You're just lucky, that's all.

Come on, Harry. Put it in high gear.

I got one gear. This is it.

Who we running from?

We're taking the van.

Hey!

I'll drive.

No! No!

Let's go. Just a second.

I'd like to bring my right leg with me,

you mind?

Let's go! Come on!

Hey, you've got to sign for that.

Who the hell are they?

What the fuck you think this is? Hertz?

We can't take a chance on the open road.

We'll catch a train.

[YELLING]

You guys all right? Yeah, yeah!

Lose them! Lose them!

Whoa!

Hold on.

Where the hell you think we're going?

Let's see what you got, cowboy.

[YELLING]

What the hell is wrong with you? Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

Where'd you learn to drive? I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you coming.

Hold on!

HARRY: To what?

Get this car out of here!

Get into that car and get out of here!

I know. I-- Get!

I can hear you. Stop yelling!

Wait! You're going to wreck the car!

What are you doing?

No! Oh, no!

Thom McCann's, 11E.

I'm dead.

Calm down. Put him on the train, okay?

MAN: All aboard!

You have got to be the dumbest jerk I've ever met.

Bob, you brought my application

for the FBI.

Oh, thanks.

Cut the crap. That's a writ giving me custody

of the prisoner, Harry Gutterman.

Ace, hold it.

Bob, you got a writ.

I got a writ.

My writ is better than your writ.

Are you crazy?

This document means nothing.

You'd better back off quick, mister,

or I'll have your nuts in a Cuisinart. You got that?

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, you know anything about mathematics?

You know multiplication, subtraction?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I understand math--

What's this add up to, Bob?

[GUN CLICKS]

You are crazy.

Yeah. I'll see you in court.

In the meantime, stay out of my way.

I'll see you in New York.

You just screwed with the wrong man, boyo.

Get us some tickets.

Hey, that looks like Bob Smiley

FIELDING: From the FBI?

Hey...

Yeah. Hi, Bob.

How you doing?

Hey, you know this train goes to Cleveland, Mac?

Yeah, I know.

We'll catch a plane back to Philly

and then drive the rest of the way.

Cleveland?

I hope you noticed

I've been pretty even and clear, huh?

Yeah.

No episodes, no problems.

Everything under control.

I'm kind of proud of myself.

Can somebody tell me what the hell's going on here?

Hold it, sweetheart.

Ellis, cover that dude.

Assume the position, come on. Up, up, up.

[FOREIGN ACCENT] This is the position you meant, right?

I watch American TV.

At least you didn't say, "Spread 'em."

I didn't see that episode.

ID's in my purse.

Rebecca Lohengrin.

Call me Riva.

"Attaché Israeli Embassy."

Attaché spelled Mossad?

Mossad?

Israeli secret service.

Oh, that's my people.

I'd like to apply for political asylum right now.

Simmer down, Gutterman.

What about these dudes?

They don't look like they're going to a Tupperware party.

Can we talk someplace less conspicuous?

How about the dining car?

We have a room with a view.

It's a very small room.

How much do you know about all this?

Just that Hitler was a very naughty boy,

and that Von Metz was his buddy.

Exactly, and now, in four days,

this man is going to be chancellor of Germany.

Unless you get to that film.

Let me see if I've got this straight.

Von Metz and Steckler were close.

Then political opponents of Von Metz

approached Steckler with bribes,

seeing if they could dig up something to use

against the old man.

Steckler found the film,

saw it was of such great value,

decided to double-cross everybody

and sell it to the highest bidder,

which, in this case, is Harry Gutterman.

Then, Von Metz started to kill everybody who'd seen the film?

Not Von Metz directly.

You see, there's a mercenary named Joseph Grimmer.

He's a neo-Nazi fanatic, a psychotic.

He makes Noriega look like Mother Teresa.

Von Metz's people have lost control of him.

The rocket man.

Yeah. We've met him.

So I take it you want us to give you the film?

We believe Von Metz was a favorite of Hitler's.

In fact, he may have been the one

chosen to help Hitler commit suicide.

I've got to think about this.

Well, do I get a vote?

Yeah, but in case of a tie, I win.

Well, I know if I'm even partially responsible

for letting a guy like Von Metz go,

I'll have more nightmares.

Me.

Et tu, Harry?

Since when did you get so civic-minded?

Hah-hah.

I know. I know you think I'm a sleazebag, right?

Maybe I am. Maybe I am a sleazebag.

Maybe all my life I've been a sleazebag.

Somebody had to be the sleazebag.

If it hadn't been me, maybe it would have been you.

So maybe you should thank me. Did you ever think of that?

I never thought about it like that,

but now that you put it that way,

thanks a lot for being a sleazebag for me.

It's my pleasure.

Anyway, I say nail this Von Metz,

because, I mean, he is a real sleazebag.

You know what I mean?

[WHISTLE BLARING]

Oh, my God!

Oh, Jesus!

Shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

That bastard's trying to take over the train.

I think that bastard has taken over the train.

All right, remember, they need Gutterman alive.

That gives us an advantage. I'll hold them in the front. You go to the back.

Ellis, I need your help!

Who are those guys, Sundance?

Next time I say let's go someplace like Bolivia,

let's go someplace like Bolivia!

Who's he doing now?

I don't know.

Halt!

No, no, no, no. Not yet.

Not until Harvey and I get the rules straightened out.

Butch Cassidy and the-- Sundance Kid.

Harvey? Rules?

Halt! Halt!

[IMITATING ROAD RUNNER]

Meep. Meep.

Halt! Halt!

Meep. Meep.

Road runner?

Hey, it's working.

Let's move.

Road Runner! Road Runner!

Up the stairs. Get Gutterman. Come on! Come on!

Who are those guys?

I've been asking that all day!

We can fight, or they can starve us out, Sundance.

What?

They might surrender, but I wouldn't count on it.

We'll fight!

No, we'll jump!

Jump! Are you crazy?

-Do you want to die? -I can't swim!

We've got to jump.

Are you nuts? You couldn't possibly sink.

[SCREAMING]

Harry!

Harry!

[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]

* I'm Popeye The Sailor Man *

* Toot, Toot

* The Love Boat

* Soon we'll be Taking another... *

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

* Rollin' Rollin' on a river *

Chopper's coming. Come on, let's go.

Get down. Get down!

They're coming back.

They're leaving.

We'll be lucky if that son of a bitch

doesn't have a bloodhound on that helicopter.

What do we do now?

Well, they can't hang around too long.

That hijacking is going to attract a lot of attention.

We'll just wait here till dark.

There's a little town a couple miles back.

Ellis, you all right?

I'm sorry, Mac.

I'm sorry.

Let's go, Harry.

It's getting late. Let's get ready to go, kid.

I can't make it, Mac.

What?

What are you talking about?

The whole thing.

I just...

I feel like I'm collapsing in on myself.

I feel like the next time I go to split, I...

I'm going to go,

and I'm not going to make it back,

and there's going to be no Ellis anymore.

So...you've got to take me back to the brothers.

Hey...

Listen, I'm going to say something to you

that I have never ever said to anybody in my life, ever.

What's that?

I need your help.

Yeah, I need your help.

I've always had this kind of noble view of myself,

that I'm this Mr. Straight Arrow

living in a crooked world,

you know, if you don't like my merry-go-round,

get off and get your own wooden horse,

and then you came along,

and I saw you out there battling against enemies

that you couldn't even see.

I said to myself, "I've got to help this guy."

I mean, "I need to help this guy."

So you can't go back to the monastery.

You got that straight?

Sure, Mac.

You know the poet Dylan Thomas?

I've read a couple sonnets.

My favorite line of poetry:

"Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

That's what you're doing, kid.

You've seen the light flickering,

and you're afraid it's going to go out, and it is.

It is going to go out,

and that should piss you off.

You've got to get your rage back.

You've got to fight.

You know what I'm saying?

Scare those dark, ugly buggers

just right back into the night.

Throw your head back and howl, you know?

Try it, come on.

Throw your head back and howl.

[HOWLS]

Come on, try it.

Come on.

[HOWLS]

Aw, come on, that's a puppy yelp.

Come on.

Throw your head back and howl.

Come on.

[HOWLING]

That's it. Come on.

[HOWLING]

Doesn't that feel good?

Now it's both of them.

Oh, shit.

[BELL CHIMING]

Pretty snazzy, Harry.

You gone legit?

I've got a lot of legitimate interests.

Is this joint in your name?

It's a corporation.

I'm the president.

Then Grimmer and his stormtroopers will find it,

if they haven't already.

Mac...

Do we give the film to the Israelis, right?

Yes.

I don't know where the Israelis are,

and I don't have time to find them.

She knows where we are.

Hey, you told her?

You shouldn't have done that.

Mac... the Israelis are going to make sure

the world sees this film, tonight.

What are you talking about?

Von Metz is speaking tonight

to the International Conference of Christians and Jews.

The Israelis are going to project the film during his speech.

All right.

Harry?

Is there a back way in this joint?

Are you kidding?

Yeah. Okay.

Is this a secret passage?

Well, it comes in very handy with jealous husbands,

business partners, etc.

Why don't you get on your intercom,

find out if any large groups have come through today.

Max?

Maxie?

Where the hell are you, Max?

Max!

A two-way mirror, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah, two-way mirror.

WOMAN: Hello? Max, it's me.

Any large groups of people come in through here today?

Just singles and couples.

Lots of business for this time of day.

Anybody speaking German?

Anybody talking German?

No, sir, no Germans.

What's going on, Mr. Gutterman?

Nothing. Thank you, sweetheart.

Let's take a look around.

Harry, you got a gun I can use?

Oh, be my guest.

Wow!

All sizes, all shapes, all models.

Every health spa in New York so equipped?

Hey, we got a lot of competition in this business.

Can you handle this?

I can handle it.

If you change, make it into Rambo.

Yo.

It looks harmless enough.

On the surface.

Is that a steam room over there?

Check it.

MAN: Why don't you grab a towel and join us?

I'm trying to quit.

[MAN SPEAKING GERMAN]

Don't be cute.

I speak pig Latin.

Pig Latin...

[SNEEZES]

MAN: Gesundheit.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[GUNFIRE]

Steckler!

[SHOUTING OUTSIDE IN GERMAN]

Go, Harry, go! All right, Harry!

They're fucking with the wrong Jew this time!

Steckler! Get Steckler!

Get Steckler out of here!

What are you going to do? I'll cover you.

Come on!

Come on! My gun's jammed!

Ellis, cover me!

Hey...

[WEAKLY] At Grand Central Station in a locker.

What?

Hunky-dory, ja?

Up, liebling.

RIVA: Grimmer!

It's over! Achtung!

I said, up, asshole!

Hold your fire!

We have your collaborators.

Out the door now!

Now out!

Or we kill everybody! Now!

Schnell!

He told you, ja?

Only God hears him now. He's dead.

No, tell me now! I have no time!

I don't know.

You leave me no choice.

Schiess die zwei! FIELDING: Ne in,schiesse nicht!

Ah, you understand German. Tell me, where is it?

Tell me! Where is it? I'll take you to it.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Grand Central!

We're going to Grand Central Station.

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

Damn it.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Get me a blanket.

You got it.

No blanket. Get a pliers.

[IN GERMAN]

[IN PIG LATIN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

You need tokens. Got any tokens, Mac?

I don't-- I don't have any of them.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

I'm out of tokens, myself. I could get some for you.

Sure, why don't we do that.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

What's the matter?

It's the ceiling. It's closing in.

I feel a little-- You're a good cop.

You're going to be all right.

Hold on, all right? Hold on.

We're going to make our move. What are we going to do?

Umpjay annisterbay. Huh?

Umpjay annisterbay.

Come on!

Go!

[GUNSHOT]

Mac!

Ellis!

Get up!

Ellis!

Ellis!

Ellis!

Police officer. Let me through, please.

Let me through.

Police officer!

Police officer.

Back this train up right now.

Are you crazy? I can't back up.

Back up this train up!

Subway, no reverse. Damn!

FIELDING: This one of your regular haunts, Grimmer?

Taxi. Taxi!

Taxi!

[GRIMMER SPEAKS GERMAN]

Come on.

Police! Open up.

Come on, open up!

What's going on?

Let's go. Grand Central Station.

Yes, sir. Let's go!

There's a cab in front of me.

Push him out of the way! Push him out of the way?

Push him out of the way! Come on, let's go.

Push him out of the way.

I've always wanted to do this.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, what the hell you doing?

The light's going to change in 30 seconds, you asshole!

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Go through it! No way!

You like this stuff, huh?

This is fun for you, huh, Grimmer?

Fun!

Hey! What do you guys want--

Police! Don't move! Drop it!

Drop it!

Cuff him, come on.

Get the other guy.

[WHISTLES]

Hold it!

Sorry, but the time for politeness is over.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

Thank you for the information.

You've been a very entertaining fellow.

Now, auf Wiedersehen.

[CURSES IN GERMAN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

I told them the film was in Workers Area "B"

in some guy named Greisendorfer's locker.

Yeah.

There's no guy named Greisendorfer.

You did good, kid. You did good.

Steckler said it was in locker 64.

64.

Workers Area "B". Okay.

Locker 64.

You scared that ugly bugger back into the night.

He heard me howling, huh?

He heard you howling.

[HOWLS] [HOWLING]

Go get them.

Hold on. Hold on just a couple minutes.

I'll be fine.

Go get it!

Mac!

Mac!

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

Hold it, sauerkraut!

Get your hands on that locker, sweetie.

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on!

Drop your weapon!

I'm a police officer. Now!

Nobody move.

All right, hold it, Cookie Monster.

Come down, pussycat.

Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Get down.

Down the ladder!

Give me my film.

Easy. Give me the film.

[IMITATING CARTOON CHARACTERS] Suffering succotash!

Gnuck, gnuck, gnuck.

I thought I saw a pussycat. I did. I did.

[GUNSHOTS AND SCREAMING]

Oh, no, Mr. Bill!

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Lucy, I'm home.

Well, isn't that special?

It's comic relief, huh?

Well, excuse me!

Guess what?

Humpty Dumpty took the great fall, huh?

That's my name. Don't wear it out. Hah-hah!

Give me the fucking film.

Shoot him, Ellis.

Oh, yeah, right.

I can't, Mac.

I don't have a gun.

You didn't have to say that, did you?

On the other hand, he's crazy, you know?

He could be fibbing about not having a gun.

Yeah, could be.

What do you think a .45 automatic

would do to this guy from here?

Put a pretty good hole in him, don't you think?

[GUNSHOTS]

Grimmer!

About the gun...

I lied.

Guess what?

Humpty Dumpty's back on the wall.

[SIRENS]

Police spokesmen have refused comment.

Here now is exclusive footage taken three days ago

by an Australian delegate,

when Israeli agents interrupted Kurt Von Metz's speech

with this astonishing film

showing the death of Adolf Hitler

by ritual suicide.

Here one can see Hitler

kneeling before the young soldier

chosen to deliver the coup de grâce.

That soldier is none other than Kurt Von Metz,

leaving no possible doubt

that Von Metz was a member of the Nazi inner circle.

Here one can see, undeniably,

the striking thunderbolt birthmark

under the left eye

of both the elder and the younger Kurt Von Metz.

Irrefutable evidence.

[IMITATES GUNSHOT]

Yes. Put him on.

Mr. Gutterman come out of recovery yet?

Mr. Gutterman?

Oh, you mean the whale from hell?

HARRY: Nurse!

Right on cue.

Room 116. Help yourself.

Help!

Aren't you going to go in and see what's wrong with him?

I'd rather set my head on fire

and have it put out with a sledgehammer.

Nurse!

I'd like to see that, actually.

You son of a bitch!

Oh, no, watch the ass!

Watch the ass! Watch the ass!

Watch the ass! Oh, my God!

Wait a minute!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, you schmucks! I have a hole in my ass!

That's why they call you an asshole.

You call this a wheelchair?

Get out of here!

Hi. Hey, you!

You call this protection?

I wouldn't be in this fix if it wasn't for you, mister.

You really got your ass in a sling this time, Harry.

How you feeling?

What do you mean, how am I feeling?

I'm dancing Swan Lake this afternoon.

Didn't they tell you? How am I feeling?

They just took 12 ounces of lead out of my ass!

You needed some lead taken out of your ass.

You know that. Funny. Funny.

Now I got six months of ass jokes to look forward to.

Ooh. How's Ellis?

Oh, he's great.

He's one floor down. Want to go see him?

Yeah, you drive.

Oh, shit.

Who are the children of the night?

We are the children of the night!

I think he's in there.

They are the children of the night.

Ooh! Easy.

Hah, hah, hah, hah!

What kind of monsters are we?

Dinosaurs!

What kind of dinosaurs?

Tyrannosaurus rex!

Let me see the Tyrannosaurus rex.

[ROARING]

Hey, Mac. Just entertaining the troops.

Harry!

Hey! Hey, everybody, this is Harry the Hippo,

the super spy I told you about.

Let's give him a hand.

He's too fat to be a spy.

Yeah!

Fat guys can't be spies!

Yeah!

I'm not fat. Wait a minute!

Hold it! Hold it down!

I'm not fat.

I'm Harry Gutterman.

I'm an international agent. No, you're not!

And I am disguised, this week, as a fat guy.

This is all Jell-O.

That's why I smell like strawberries.

Feel. Go ahead.

Whoa, easy now, he's a national treasure.

Listen, who wants to hear how I broke the Von Metz case?

Me!

All right, all right, all right.

Bring me over to those glazed doughnuts over there,

and I'll tell you all about it.

First of all, I had this dog, no nose.

How did he smell? Terrible, take my word for it.

God, he's great with kids.

First of all, there was this guy,

a real son of a bitch,

but I didn't give a shit about him.

This is when I was thinner--

You know, uh, Riva came by this morning.

Oh, how's she doing?

Well, great. You were in therapy.

Yes, would I lie to children?

Yeah!

Listen. Let's take a walk, okay? Okay.

You know, you're all getting on my nerves.

Nurse, take them out of here!

Look, Ellis--

Sounds serious.

Yeah.

I know you were looking forward to being partners,

and so was I, really...

Uh-huh.

But Riva, she recruited Harry and I

to be secret agents with the Israeli government.

You know, the Mossad.

Yeah.

Naturally, I have to convert to Judaism right away.

I'm going to be bar mitzvahed tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

Harry and I,

we leave for Tel Aviv the following day

to train at some secret site in the Sinai Desert.

Really? Yeah.

The only thing I'm worried about is, uh...

I have to be circumcised.

Circumcised? You're kidding.

Yeah.

Hah-hah.

Oh, Mac. Mac, Mac, Mac.

You know why we make such good partners?

No, why?

Because, technically, you're crazier than I am.

I knew that.

[**]