All language subtitles for Loose.Cannons.1990.DVDRipeng

[**]

[ENGINE RUMBLING]

[WHISPERING]
Shh! Quiet.

Listen.
Listen.

Shit,
this is scary.

[RUMBLING GROWS LOUDER]

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ!

[WHISPERING]
They've gone. Let's go.

No.

Listen.
Listen.

They are coming
back down.

Oh, God.

[CALLING] Steckler...

Steckler...

It's him!

It's him!

Who?

Oh, my God.

What's he doing
in this country?

[GERMAN ACCENT]
Oh, Steckler,
why don't you talk to me?

I know you're out there,
Steckler.

Steckler,
what's going on?

You have stolen something
from us, Steckler.

I've come a long way
to get it back.

Return it and we will be
good friends again.

Jawohl, Steckler?

Oh, by the way, Steckler...

that first little sale
you arranged,

we had to cancel that.

That lovely agent
from the German government

was very upset with you,

when you double-crossed him.

I think
he would have killed you,

so we killed him instead.

We cut off his head.

Oh, God!

[SCREAMING]

Steckler...

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Pull over.

We'll chew
the fat a little.

Oh, God!

What are you doing?
Stop!

No! No!

Nein!

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Halt! Steckler!

Halt!

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[YELLING]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No.

No! Please!

[CRIES ECHOING]

[LOUD, PASSIONATE LOVEMAKING]

Shut up,
you sex fiends!

Ma'am, what do you
want us to do?

Arrest them.

You're the vice squad.

It's not
against the law.

WOMAN: You horse!

You big horse!

Oh, you moose!

Oh, you elephant!

She's got the Wild Kingdom
in there.

What are you
going to do?

I think we ought
to sell tickets.

Hey, hey!
You guys cops?

Are you going to
do something about

Mae West and Harry Reems
in there?

Every night, humpety-hump,
sloshety-slosh.

I feel like I'm living
in a Pussycat Theater.

Stuff a sock in it,
you degenerate!

Jesus Christ,
every fucking night!

[HOWLING]

Goddamn!

Change coats with me.

Get away from
that door.

You'll catch
something.

Sir, I'm Dr. Ballsup

from the District of Columbia
Health Department.

This is
a spot check, sir.

Hi. I'm Dr. Ballsup
from the Health Department.

You are wearing
a condom at this time,

are you not, sir?
Condom?

Uh, well, no.

I left it at home
on the dresser.

Oh, well, we've
heard that before.

I'm afraid I'll
have to cite you

under D.C. Statute
3086942-64.

Is this
a joke?

No, ma'am.

Safe sex in the '80s
is no joke.

Officer Delaney,
do you have any of those

"indiscriminate copulation"
citation forms?

Uh...

You know,
I'm fresh out.

Well, it has been
a busy week--

The orgy, yes.

Come on, fellas,
give me a break.

My wife lost her job.

My kid's been sick.

Sir, have you
ever been cited

for D.C. Ordinance 9--

30869...42-64?

No, sirs. Never.
Swear to God.

Look, I always carry one
in my wallet.

I just used
the last one.

See, there's
the indentation.

He's correct about
the indentation.

Yes, I see.

Give him a break.

Okay.

Well, since we don't have
the proper forms

and this is
your first offense,

I'll let you off
with a warning,

but I'm going to ask you
to cease and desist,

until such time
as you have obtained

another condom, okay?

Now, please, sir,

let's all practice safe sex,
shall we?

It's for your safety
as well as for ours.

Have a nice night.

Keep your nose clean.

Stern, you're crazier
than they said you were.

[SIREN WAILING]

Hey, Stern, wait up.

I got a message
from the captain.

Send a singing telegram.

Well, well--

MacArthur Stern,
supercop.

How's things out
on the sleaze patrol?

Boy, the gaudier the cop,
the snappier the patter.

What's on your mind,
Weskit,

besides stale material?

You know what you guys
in vice ought to do?

Every time you
bust a whore,

you ought to paint a tit
on the side of your car

to keep score.

Oh, Weskit, I don't want
to use the five points of IQ

it would take to have
a battle of wits with you.

Now, what the hell
do you want?

Captain's bringing you
back to homicide.

You've got a briefing
in the morning at 8:00 A.M.

The porno murders.

Yeah, you being
an expert in the field.

I give you three days,

and then you're
back in the toilet.

Who am I partnered with?
Anybody I know?

You kidding?

Nobody you know
will work with you.

Anyway, you're going to
love this guy.

[CHUCKLES]

What's so funny?

So this is the old Woody
you were always working on.

Yeah.
It's beautiful.

Looks like a diner
I used to eat in.

Hey. You know
what this car represents?

What do you think?
I'm ignorant?

I read that psychology crap.

It represents your dick.

What?
That's right.

An automobile
represents a man's dick.

It's an extension
of your penis.

This Woody represents what
you want your dick to be.

Actually, I think you're
flattering yourself.

You ought to be driving
a compact.

A Hyundai or something
like that.

You're disgusting, Weskit.

This doesn't
represent my dick.

It represents order.
Order?

That's right, order.

When I slide this key
into that ignition,

and I hear that engine purr,

I know there's order
in the universe.

There's continuity.

There's a continuum.

Do you know what I mean?

That's some deep shit, Stern.

I give you two days.

Maybe one.

One day. One day.

You should write a book,
Weskit.

Me and My Lobotomy.

All right. All right.

[BELLS CHIMING
AND MONKS CHANTING]

Ellis!

Ellis!

I just talked
to the captain.

He said if you're
ready, he is.

Are you ready, Ellis?

You're the doctor.

Clinically,
I think you're ready.

I want to know
what you feel.

I'm as sane as most people.

You'll have to face
violence again,

if you're going
into police work.

You know that.

I know.

We discussed that.
We dealt with it.

If I have to, I have to,
and I will.

Just don't be afraid
to fail.

Failure and recovery

is the natural
order of things.

Don't worry
about me, Father.

I'll be fine.

I haven't had
a fragmentary episode

in months.

You're right,
absolutely.

You're the sanest
person I know.

Actually, that's not
very encouraging,

coming from you.

You're a psychiatrist.

Everyone you know
is crazy...

or celibate.

Come on.

I'll help you pack.

[KNOCKING]

MacArthur Stern?

Yeah.

Captain Doggett
sent us out to get you.

Oh.

I oversleep a little,
and they send the cops on me.

There's been
another killing.

And they want us
to go there now, right?

That's what
the captain says.

Nice place.
Decorate it yourself?

Fuck you.

Goddamn it,
it's hot.

It must be 110
out here.

Hey, Mac.
How you been?

Hey. Remember Camus?

Yeah. How's Claire?

Claire?

Claire's
a born-again Christian.

Go on.
She's a Catholic.

Every time I go see my son,

calls me the Antichrist
and hides under the bed.

Oh. Over here.

What's going on here?

What the hell
you got there?

What, this?

This is a cat.

Going to track
the killers with it?

Most people use dogs.

Come on, Weskit,
we know it's a cat.

That's really funny, Weskit.

I had a fire in my apartment
this morning.

I didn't want to leave him
in the car, so I...

What do you got here?

Male. Caucasian.

Teeth extracted.
Fingerprints zapped.

Here's where they
pulled the boat in

to dump the body.

Must've been pretty big,
from the size of the hole.

Not only that,

over at Quiller's Boatyard,
I've got two more dead guys.

Counting four
from the other night,

that makes seven.

[MAN RETCHING]

What's with this guy?
Who is he?

That man possesses
the keenest analytical mind

I've ever seen, bar none.

[RETCHING]

Hey, Ellis,
how you feeling?

Come on, pal.
I want you to meet somebody.

I want you to meet
your new partner.

Ellis Fielding, Mac Stern.

[RETCHING]

People just don't
like you, Stern.

Let's get
out of here.

We're going
to the boatyard.

Wrap it up, Weskit.

Yeah, you love me,
don't you baby?

Okay, okay,
let's go.

[MAKING MOTORBOAT SOUNDS]

[IMITATES SCREAMING]

It's inspiring to see
a great analytical mind
at work.

Just wait.
Just wait.

Tell him
to slow down.

I want to take
some notes.

Go on,
make cracks.

What's he doing now?

Hey, hey, somebody
call a cop.

What?

Jesus Christ,
another one!

A gorilla was murdered?

Last night,
a guy in a gorilla suit
was murdered

at the Hookers' Ball
about a mile down the river.

That explains
the costumes.

Okay, captain.

You find something,
Fielding?

I think it's pretty clear,
sir.

Let's hear it.

Well, okay.

It happened
approximately like this:

That launch there
was being pursued

by another, probably larger,
powerboat.

The launch came up
out of the water
at high speed,

sailed through
all this debris here,

and then, before final impact,
two victims were thrown clear.

Then, when the launch
finally came to rest,

two other gentlemen,

one dressed
as the Queen of Hearts

from Alice in Wonderland,

like these other
characters around here,

and the other,

probably dressed
as the Mad Hatter

jumped out of
the boat and ran.

Then, someone in the powerboat
on the water opened fire,

and over the fence

went the Queen
of Hearts.

Oh, boy,
the Queen of Hearts.

Good. Now we'll finally
find out who painted
the roses red.

Now, at this point,

all the men
in the powerboat

came ashore.

Someone killed the rabbit
right here,

where the body was found.

Then, two men

chased the fat man
dressed as
the Queen of Hearts,

but he got away.

Someone tormented
the German gentleman

who was dressed
as the Cheshire Cat.

He taunted him from here
all the way over to here,

then shot him,

here, where the body
was found.

That's as detailed as I can be
with such
a cursory examination.

I'm sure
it's reasonably accurate.

I could answer questions now,
if you want.

Well, do you want them
one at a time,
or all together?

Oh, give them to me
all at once.

Okay, number one:
How do you know

the gunfire came from
this alleged powerboat?

Number two: How do you
know anybody escaped,

let alone two people?

Number three: How do
you know one was dressed

as the Queen of Hearts?

Number four: How do you know
he was overweight?

Number five: How do you know
this guy was German?

Number six: How do you know
he was tormented?

And finally, how do you know
any of this shit?

Physical evidence.

Look at all these hits
all the way around here

where I've marked
with the yellow pegs...

and up on the doors.

That could have come
from the shore.

No.

Why?

I pulled all kinds of .30
caliber slugs and shells

out of here.

Now, you've got to admit

that's weird ordnance
for an amateur.

I figure the guy
must have been a pro.

Look at the hits
in the door.

Looks like the Dow Jones
Industrial Average.

No professional marksman
would be that inaccurate,

indicating that the firing
began when the boat

was still bobbing
in the water,

hence causing the erratic
pattern of fire.

What about the guy dressed
as the Queen of Hearts?

How do you know
he was so fat?

I found this scrap of costume
on the fence,

indicating whoever wore it
got over the fence.

Look, you see
this flower?

See?

This flower...

See? It's a rose.

See the rose?

It's a rose worn by
the Queen of Hearts.

See?

Everybody knows her eye.
See, there's her eye.

So...if we project
just how large

this card might have been
on a costume,

we can conclude
that the man who wore it

was of great bulk.

That's why I figure
there were two men.

The guy who wore this
was probably a little too huge

to get over the fence
without help.

Pray continue.

I know this man was tormented

because, look,
he's got a broken leg

with the tibia
protruding through.

It would have been agonizing
for him to move at all,

much less crawl the 30 feet
he must have been forced to.

How do you know he's German?

That's the neatest of all.

The killers were
very meticulous

in removing
all identifying objects.

Details.

They overlooked
one thing.

Look closely.

You see, he's had
his leg broken before.

He probably snapped it
skiing or something,

at least, that's what
it looks like.

Joe, give me
what we extracted.

We pulled out
this surgical repair pin.

If you look closely,
you can read:

"Nummer vier Kupferschiene
Auflander Medizinisch."

It's a West German domestic
medical supply company.

They were clumsy
in overlooking this.

Those morons.

Of course, he might have
been another nationality

and just had his leg broken
and set in Germany,

but there is corroboration.

What do you see?

A crotch.

I don't much like it.

The shorts, though.

Yeah?

There's no fly.

No pee-pee hole.

No opening.
You know, European-style.

That's it
in a nutshell.

Detective Stern,

I was most impressed
by your recall of detail

in your querying
of my account.

You've a very adequate mind.

Well, thank you
very much.

Well, guess I'll go back
to the lab

and see how they're doing
on the other bodies,

especially the headless one.

Right, Ellis. Right.

Great work. Great work.

How you doing?

I'm fine.

[WHISPERING]
Thanks for the chance,
Uncle Del.

Shh. Well, that's great.

I got to talk to Mac
for a minute, okay?

Okay.

Check the registration
on that launch, will you?

Hey, this guy
is sharp.

Oh, yeah?

There's something wrong
with that dude.

You know
your problem, Mac?

You have no charity.

Hey, what is this?
"Doo-doo on Mac" week?

[RADIO BLARING]

My training's in forensics,
ballistics, police science.

John Jay College,
'74-'79.

Would you mind
turning that off, please?

It disrupts
my energy patterns.

Well, we can't
have that, can we?

Forensics, huh?

I guess that's where
you developed

your observational powers.

Hold the wheel for a second,
will you?

What?
Hold this for a second.

I've got to do this.

Um, Mr. Stern...

Mm-hmm.

What are you
going to do with that?

What do you think I'm going
to do with it, kid?

I'm going to roll
a cigarette here,

and then I'm going
to smoke it.

I bet you don't like
cigarettes, do you?

Give off bad vibes?

No, they make
my eyes burn

and my lungs hurt.

I see.

So, do you mind?

It's a nasty
habit anyway.

Um...

So, you've been
in narcotics

all this time, huh?

Actually, I've been
on sick leave

for much of
the last two years.

What's wrong?

Is this a cat?

No, that's a giraffe.

Of course,
it's a cat, why?

[MEOWING]

Will your cat always be coming
on assignments with us?

No, my cat almost never
will be with us
on assignments.

Oh, just very special ones.

Actually, I had to leave
my apartment this morning

on short notice.

I'm allergic to cats.

Mind if I cover him up?

No, Ellis, go ahead.
Cover up my cat.

I'll bet you're allergic
to a lot of things,
aren't you?

I'm annoying you,
aren't I?

Oh...just a teensy
little bit, really.

Anything else about me
that annoys you?

Anything at all?

No.

No?

Come on.

There must be
one little thing.

No, no, nothing.

Really? Let's be
frank now.

My driving.
What about my driving?

Well, since you mentioned it,

could you possibly drive
a bit slower?

[MEOWING]

I always annoy people.
I don't mean to.

Is there anything else
about me

that I need to improve?

Anything at all?

No, sir.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm going to drive now.

Real slow.

Okay.

Okay?

[TURNS RADIO ON]

Hi, Rachel.

Hey, come here,
you little son of a bitch!

Goddamn it!

I'll meet you
in the morgue.

[SNEEZING]
All right.

Get him out of here.

He's slobbering
all over my desk.

Rachel.

Mac.

Like your slacks.
Are they tailored?

First day back,

starting with
that sexist stuff?

Hey, let's put it this way,

I'd rather be sexist
than racist.

You're not sexist.
You're just crude.

Aw, poor baby.
Having a bad day?

I'm having a terrible day.

Say something nice to me,
will you, please?

You have very
strong-looking thighs

for a white man.

I like that, yeah.

Hey, would you
be honest with me?

Am I selfish
and self-centered?

No, but I have
figured out

what's wrong
with you.

Wait a minute.

Was there
a recent symposium?

Everybody on the planet

get together, and discuss
what's wrong with Mac Stern?

I was just going to say
you need a good woman.

Oh, yeah?

You want to live
with me?

I hear you don't
live anywhere.

Well, that's true.

Well, what about
my cat living with you...

just till I find
a place?

Okay, Mac.
What's his name?

Camus.

Camus?

He's not suicidal,
is he?

That's good.

Oh, wait a minute.

Captain said to tell you

they've identified
the owner of the boat

those guys were killed in.

Harry Gutterman.
Harry "The Hippo."

Porno dealer.

Gutterman?
What's that, his stage name?

He owns a little S&M club
in the industrial district.

Captain said to be sure
you take note

the guy weighs 350 pounds.

What's that mean?

Queen of Hearts.

Son of a gun.
Queen of Hearts.

Queen of Hearts.

S&M club?

Like sadism
and masochism?

Yeah, you know,

you scratch my back,

I'll scratch yours,
only real hard.

Mac, I don't think I can go
into a club like that.

We're not
going to join.

We're just going to
question a witness.

Well, I know, but...

It's not that I'm
a Trudy Prudy--

What?
What is it?

It's that whole concept
of pain and--

Look, it's part
of the job, kid.

I know. I know.

Don't get me
wrong, okay?

But did you ever
stop to think

that maybe you're not
ideally suited

for police work?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Lots of times.

Look, if anybody
is rude to you,

you just tell
old Uncle Mac,

and I'll give them
such a smack.

Okay, thanks.

[**]

Look at this--

a subculture based
on pain and degradation.

I'm not a prude, really.

I don't think
it's disgusting.

I think it's stupid.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can.

Get us a couple
of Shirley Temples, would you?

Shirley Temples?

Yeah, you know,

it's that red fizzy shit
in a tall glass,

got a cherry
and a couple of straws.

On your way, bozo.
This is a private club.

He's right.
Come on.

No. No. No.
Wait a minute.

That's unconstitutional,
not to mention impolite.

I came to see Mr. Gutterman.

You fix that drink
for me or I'll--

No drinks without
a membership card.

What is this?

Here's my membership card.

Lets me go any place
I want to go.

Right now, I want to go
through that green door

to see the place where
you guys take those
cigarette butts

and put them out in each
other's navels. Understand?

Fake badges are cheap.
Let me see it again.

Hey, you! Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it!

Hey!

Ellis!

What are you doing?

Give me a hand
will you?

Come on, Ellis!

Ellis!

I just can't deal
with the violence.

Now you tell me!

[CACKLING]

[POMPOUS BRITISH ACCENT]
Excuse me for a minute.

Please, everyone!
Please, quiet, please!

Would you, please?

Hello, how are you?

Albert Glendenning.
How are you?

Albert--

Please! Please!
Thank you very much.

I'm Albert Glendenning.

I'm your director
of sports and
recreation today,

and we're going to learn
how to box the correct way.

Now--

[IMITATING THE COWARDLY LION
FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ]

Put 'em up!
Put 'em up!

I'll fight you with
one hand tied behind my back.

Come on. Come on.

Who's next? Who's next?

[LAUGHING]

Come on. Come on.
Come on.

I'll fight you
with my eyes closed.

I don't really
know this guy.

You nervous?
Come on--

Look what we
have here, boys.

A really big pussy.

[IMITATES CLINT EASTWOOD
FROM DIRTY HARRY]

You got to ask yourself
one question:

Do you feel lucky,
punk?

Do you?

Do you?

[IMITATES RADIO ANNOUNCER]
Out of the West,
through a cloud of dust,

with a hearty "Hi-yo, Silver!"
rides the Lone Ranger

with his faithful
Indian companion, Tonto.

Hi-yo, Silver!

[HUMS THEME SONG--
WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE]

Hold it! Hold it.

Get up there. Come on.

Spread them, come on.
Spread them.

Get up. Come on, get up
Spread them.

Hold it right there,
butterball.

Come on.
Get over there.

Hey! Nothing doing.
back in line.

Everybody get back.
Party's over.

Come on.

Jesus, Joseph, Mary
and all the saints.

Ellis, are you
all right?

Was I... Did I...

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine, Mac.

Yeah.

What the hell
were you doing out there?

A diversionary tactic.

You know, the old
Iroquois shaman trick,

where you make them
think you're crazy,

throw them off guard.

Worked like a charm.

Didn't it?

Where'd you learn that,
John Jay College?

Well, graduate studies...

after.

Call the precinct.
Get some help, will you?

Sure, Mac.

All right,
Metropolitan Police.

Clear the way here.

Don't move
or I'll shoot.

You move, I swear to God,
I'll blow your brains out.

You moved!

Didn't you hear what I said?

What are you, deaf, or what?

Don't you see this?
You want to get hurt?

Are you guys
really cops?

I'm a cop, I don't know
what the hell he is.

Shit, I can't tell
the good guys

from the bad guys.

The only time
I'll feel safe

is if I shoot
everybody.

I'm a nervous wreck.

I'm so sorry
I looked at it.

Why did I look at it?

Because I'm a schmuck,
that's why.

If you're a cop,
I demand protection.

You hear me?
I want protection.

Don't you understand?
They're crazy.

They're killing
everybody who saw it.

Everybody!

All right, now, look,
you testify,

and we'll put you in
the witness protection
program.

Oh, really?

Will you calm down?

What'd you see that makes
these guys want to kill you?

A movie.
A movie?

Yes, a movie.

A porno movie,
that's all.

Triple-X stuff.

Only this one
starred guess who?

Hitler
and a couple of Nazi guys.

You're kidding.
You saw this with
your own eyes?

Yes. We all saw it.

Except this movie
has no repeat business.

What are you talking about?

I mean, everybody
who saw the movie is dead,

except for me
and Steckler.

Steckler?
Who's Steckler?

Steckler is the kraut
who stole the film

and was trying to hawk it.

And the other German guy,
the Cheshire Cat?

Mueller.

He's a porno dealer
from Stuttgart.

He's the guy who brought
Steckler over to meet us.

Hey, Mac--

Ellis. Ellis,
shush, will you?

I'm trying to get
some information here.

What's a film
like this worth?

Major bucks.

A collector would pay
almost anything

for a copy of it.

Yeah, a bunch of
dead Nazis screwing.

No. No, it's not
just a skin flick.

There's historical stuff
in it too.

Could we get
the hell out of here?

They may be following us.
Don't you understand?

Um, Mac, excuse me--
Ellis, please!

I'm trying to get
some information--

Yeah, do you mind?

Steckler, he barely knew you.
Why'd he want to save you?

Mac, you've got to look!

[YELLS]

Ooh!

Jesus.

I'm glad you put
on the brakes, Mac.

Let me out
of here.

So am I.

Somebody want...

must want Gutterman
pretty bad, huh?

We got trouble.
We got trouble.

Who are these guys?

What's that?

I brought this from a guy
at an antique store.

He swore to me
it would work.

Come on, Toto.

If I get killed,

I'm going to go back
and kick his butt.

Get out of the way!

I'll get you,
my little pretty...

and your little dog too.

I want those ruby slippers.

What are you doing?
Playing leapfrog?

Come on. Come on.
Put them up. Put them up.

Get out of there, Hondo!

Come on...

Yahoo!

Oh, my God.

[GUNFIRE]

What, you call this
protection?

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Give me some fire!
Come on!

Do I have to?

Yeah!

What the hell
were you doing

out in the middle
of the street?

Another...
diversionary tactic.

Can you drive?

Yeah.

Drive?
You're going to follow them?

Are you guys crazy?

Oh, shit.

Come on, Ellis.

Your turn signal
doesn't work.

Are you bullshitting me?
Come on!

Please don't curse
when I'm driving.

It's very distracting.

Ellis, this is not
driver's ed.

Step on the gas!

A courteous driver
is a safe driver, Mac.

This is an authorized
police pursuit.

Do you understand me?

This is
cops-and-robbers time.

Cops and robbers!
Cops and robbers, Ellis.

Cops and robbers!

[SINGS THEME
FROM STAR TREK]

Slow down!

What's he doing?

I don't know.
What are you doing?

Mr. Sulu, set a course
for the Klingon battle fleet.

Prepare all photon
torpedoes and phasers banks

for full engagement.

Mr. Scott, damage report.

No, no. No damage report.

You're not
Captain Kirk.

You're right. I'm not Kirk.

Slow down, will you?
You're going to kill us!

I'm Scott in engineering.

Captain, we'll never
get those reactors up

and back to full power
before we engage the enemy.

Oh, jeez.

You're not
Mr. Scott.

I'm Bones.

Bones!
The ship's medic.

Do something!

What do you
want me to do?

I'm Mr. Spock.

Captain Kirk,
I relieve you of your command.

That's what you call
doing something?

Playing Mr. Spock?

[CRASHING]

Hey! All my stuff went--

Oh, Jesus.

Hey, bad guys!

STERN: Oh, wait a minute.

Oh, not my car!

Look what you're doing
to my car!

Welcome to
the NASCAR driving school.

Anybody can learn
to drive a stock car

with our patented technique
of teaching.

[GUTTERMAN SCREAMING]

The wall!

Look out!

[SCREAMING]

Yellow flag on the track.
Yellow flag.

No, no! Not the other
side of my car!

Starting time, .271.

We're traveling at hyperphase
velocity for planet Kirilon.

[SCREAMING]

Mr. Sulu, warp speed.

Warp?

No! No! No!
Not warp speed!

[SCREAMING]

[SIRENS]

Mr. Scott, damage report.

What's going on, captain?

I can't get any power
to this reactor.

What in blue blazes happened?

The Enterprise
is sagging like a limp pud.

COP:
Put your hands
on that wheel, clown!

Hi, boys.
I'm Ricky Rudd.

Totalled! Ruined!

The engine, the body,
even the damn ashtray!

I put hundreds of man-hours
and thousands of dollars

into that machine
out there, Del,

and that's a dream that died!
It just died!

Take it easy,
will you?

Take it easy?!

Look, I just did
the Firecracker 400

with Ricky Rudd,
Rusty Wallace,

Captain Kirk,
and Commander Spock!

I'm sorry, Mac.
I thought he was ready.

Yeah, he's ready
all right,

for a nut house
someplace.

Hey, Del,
the good news is

that he qualified
for a group rate.

Goddamn it, will you shut up?

Now, sit down and
listen to me, will you,
please?

You owe me that, at least.

All right. I owe you that.

This is not
going to be easy.

Oh, Jesus...

All right.

All right, here it is,
straight out.

Ellis is my nephew.

Oh, God.

Yeah, I thought
you'd like that one.

Oh, Del...

[SNORTS LIKE A PIG]

That's a good one.

He always wanted
to be a cop,

but he simply wasn't
cut out for it,

but he wouldn't let go of it.

He was at me all the time,
"I want to be a cop, Del.

"Everybody in the family
is a cop, Del.

I want to be a cop."

So I felt sorry for him
and gave him a break.

So I put him in narcotics.

Hey, he was
mind-blowing, Mac.

Kid was a natural,
a goddamned genius.

He went undercover.

He got picked up
by a couple of Colombians.

Well, you know those bastards.

Before they're through
with you,

killing you is a favor.

They tortured
that kid, Mac,

for two days solid
and left him for dead.

You should see the scars.

And that's when this
personality disorder
business started.

It was wild.

I mean,
it scared the shit out of me.

He started
imitating people.

Armando...

Armando was the man
who tortured him.

He acted out the whole thing.

Then he came up with
this crazy English guy,

and then more of them
came out--

a cast of thousands--
it was unbelievable.

I've seen it. I've seen it.

So he was
institutionalized

for a year
with the brothers.

The brothers?

Benedictine monks.
They looked after him.

They think now he's ready.

Well, obviously he's not.

Come on, Mac.
Give the kid a break,
will you?

He can't get it together
all at once.

I mean, he's going to have
a few draw--

Don't fuck
with me, Mac.

I owe that kid, and
you owe me.

As a matter of fact, pal,
if it wasn't for me,

it might very well be you
up there with those brothers.

Well, that's true.

So if I don't take the kid,

you're going to give me
Weskit, huh?

Have to, pal.
He's the senior man.

Your nephew?

So this guy
we found in the marsh

was an agent of
the German government?

Oh, not only that,

but Steckler,
the guy with the film?

Yeah.
Guess who pays his salary?

Who?
Kurt Von Metz.

The Von Metz who's running
for chancellor of Germany?

Same guy.

You're kidding.

It seems Steckler
was his personal secretary.

Interesting, all the German
connections, huh?

Fielding?

So we've got a German agent,
and a porno king...

now Von Metz.

That's a load
of sauerkraut.

How about me running over
to the German Embassy tomorrow

and just take
a look around?

Why don't you?

Mac....

I know you don't want me
for your partner anymore.

I don't blame you.

By now, you know I've got
this little condition...

and one of the things
that triggers it is...

driving.

Condition, huh?

Well, I'll tell you,

we're going to have

a kind of
a limited partnership.

Your Uncle Del
will tell you about it.

I'm going home.

You told him
I was your nephew?

He guessed.

I don't have a home.

You do now.

Hmm...

Forgive me, sir,

but I only want a simple
yes or no.

Were you associated
with Adolf Hitler?

I shall answer
you as I did

when I was nominated
commander of NATO,

Mr. Waslinski.

I never had the displeasure
of even meeting Adolf Hitler.

Any guess, Mr. Von Metz,

where these rumors
have come from?

Sensation mongers.

The supermarket
journalists.

Next, they will have
me in a bungalow

with Marilyn Monroe,

or maybe I am in
daily communication

with your Elvis Presley.

Let me now go on to ask--

Just a moment,
Mr. Waslinski.

Are your viewers aware
that I was in prison?

Would you care
to enlighten them as to
why I was there?

Sir, you were sentenced

for participating
in the September plot.

Which was?

Which was a plot
to assassinate Hitler.

Thank you.

Sir, but your critics say

that this whole assassination
business was fabricated

in order to give
you protection

Who He is here.

from the war-crime
tribunal--

Sir, they say evidence,
hard evidence, exists

that not only links you
to Adolf Hitler,
but actually--

What are you
doing here?

You wanted to see me.

Are you mad?

Never near him.
Never!

I gave you
a meeting place.

It couldn't wait
until then.

See, we have a crisis.

Steckler's disappeared.

All those people
that you killed.

A chief of intelligence.

We hired you
to get the film back,

not to start
a holocaust.

It must stop.

You lecture me,
you fool?

I didn't
let him steal it.

You're all morons.

Including him.

What goes on
here, Grimmer,

is something that
you do not understand.

Now, find Steckler.

Tell him all
will be forgiven.

He will be reinstated.

We will match
whatever offer he has,

but no more killing.

You think
he will believe that?

There are only
two left now,

and when they are gone,

your mistakes
will be corrected.

I am telling you--
Nein!

I am telling you,
you do your job,

and I do mine,

and if you ever
touch me again...

dann schneide ich
deine Finger ab.

Yeah, looks like
an explosion in a dairy.

Great for graffiti, though.

I know it's kind of blank,
but it's this MPD thing.

MPD?

Yeah, my condition.

Multiple
Personality Disorder.

They say I should cut down

on the amount of stimuli
I process.

Well, you've cut
down to none.

Want to hear a tape?

Yeah. What do you got?

Earth, forest,

wind, beach...

Beach.

Okay.

[WAVES CRASHING AND SEAGULLS]

I guess you might say

I'm kind of searching
for myself.

Well, let me know if you ever
find yourself, kid,

because I'd like to meet you.

Have a seat.

You know,
we have a lot in common.

Hm?
Yeah.

For every mood
that I'm in,

you have a complete
personality to fit it.

Well, thanks for trying
to understand.

I guess I keep
this apartment white,

because I really
don't know who I am.

It's kind of like
a blank piece of film

waiting to be exposed

to what I was
before my trauma,

or what I've become
since I was last myself,

or what I hope to be
again some day.

One person. One mind.

You sound like
a bumper sticker.

Listen, Mac,
you're welcome to stay

as long as you want.

Got the extra room
and everything.

Yeah, I'm
kind of tired.

If you don't mind,
I...

Oh, sure.
It's around the corner.

Hit the sack...

Here's the guest room--
your room.

Sorry, I guess I could have
used a little color in here.

Uh, there's a toothbrush,
and shaving stuff,

and a bathrobe
on the back of the door here.

Just help yourself.
Make yourself at home.

Okay.

[KNOCKING]

Yeah?

Hi. It's me.

Well, I figured.

Look, Mac, there's no
real way of telling

whether I'm going to go
into an episode tonight.

You know, I just don't know
when they occur, but...

when I start
these personalities,

sometimes it's like
I'm kind of having
a nightmare.

Sort of weird,
you know?

I doubt I'll do
anything violent,

but lock the door,
just in case.

Well, I can take
care of myself.

I'll be out
of here tomorrow.

Well, stay
as long as you want.

Sleep tight.

Land jets!

Prepare
to land jets!

[SCREAMING]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Please!

Please get these rats
off me now!

You like rats?
You like roaches?

You like bugs
of all descriptions?

[SCREAMING]

Don't listen to him.

[KNOCKING]

We'll never go anywhere.
We're going to 23 leagues.

Do you know where
that is, sir?

Good night, everybody.

[GROWLING]

[NONSENSE SOUNDS]

[LAUGHING LIKE
WOODY WOODPECKER]

Mac...

Yeah, I see them, kid.

They've been with us ever
since we left your place.

Really?

Yeah, really.

What happened to

those magical powers
of observation of yours?

You have a hard night?

Tailing and surveillance

just doesn't happen to be
my area of expertise, okay?

Did I do something strange
last night?

Do anything
to disturb your sleep?

Not a peep.

Think they're
the same people

who tried to kill us
yesterday?

I don't know.

You don't want to
live forever, do you?

I wouldn't mind making

the average male
North American
life expectancy.

I have given your message
to Herr Doberman myself.

Someone will be
with you presently.

If you will please
wait here.

Uh, here?

Yes, sir.

Right here.

Right here?

Yes, sir.

Right there.

Thank you.

Must be the magic oval.

I guess we're safe in here
or something.

Detective Stern.

Bob Smiley, assistant
deputy director of the FBI.

You've heard of us.

Just kidding, Mac.

Call me Bob.

It is Mac, right?

MacArthur Stern.

Right.

Look, Mac...

let's get off
on the right foot here.

Just kidding, Mac.

I like to
keep things loose.

Who's this?

This is Mr. Fielding.

Oh. How are you?

Sorry, my dossier
didn't list your partner.

Well, he's not
my partner.

He's my tailor.

What?

Just kidding, Bob.

That's funny.

Look, Mac--

Listen, I came down here

to meet with an official
of the German government.

Now, why am I speaking
to the FBI agent?

Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac...

Bob, Bob, Bob,
Bob-- What?

So tell me, Mac,
are you onto something?

Is that it?

Could be.

Wouldn't be good
not to tell me.

I suppose not.

As one professional
to another,

I've got to tell you,

we've got
a thorny problem, here, Mac.

What's that, Bob?

Well, we're extremely
sensitive

to the great job
you boys are doing

down there
in the trenches.

I started on the bottom rung
myself, Mac.

Did you know that?

I didn't know that, Bob.

Yes, indeedy.

Two years, Homicide,
Tacoma P.D.

I'll be darned.

Yeah. So, Mac, I want you
to know that we're aware

that you have a multiple
homicide case to resolve,

and God knows

that's an important bit
of public responsibility,

and we're going to open

every bit of this
up to you lads

just as soon as

National Security priorities
are satisfied.

I think
that sounds square.

What do you think, Mac?

I think that sounds
pretty shitty, Bob.

Well, I can understand that
from your perspective, Mac.

I'd probably
feel that way, too,

if I were in your shoes,

but I'm not.

I'm in these shoes...

Thom McCann's,
11 1/2E.

And these shoes
walked a lot of hard miles.

These shoes have carried
some heavy loads

in terms of
this nation's security.

What do you say
to that, Mac?

I think those shoes are
carrying the biggest load

I've ever seen, Bob.

Well, I can see we got off
to the wrong foot after all.

I've got a writ
being drafted,

giving me custody
of Mr. Gutterman.

I'll be down for him
in about an hour.

You boys have a nice day.

Mac, can I say something?

Yeah, Ellis, what is it?

What a fucking putz.

Why, Ellis...

Well, I mean, he's a classic
anal-retentive reprobate.

"Anal-retentive..."

It's got a nice
ring to it.

It's psychology.

I like "fucking putz"
better.

[SINGING "DEUTSCHLAND,
DEUTSCHLAND U$$BER ALLES"]

We're going to have
to move Gutterman.

He's not going to get along
with our Mr. Smiley in there.

Can we do that?
Yeah, if we get a forklift.

They're still here.

Wonder what her story is.

Based upon
first observations,

subject to revision with
further data, of course,

I'd say
she's about 5'7",

117 pounds.

DIA, CIA
or NSA operative.

recruited out of

Bennington College,
Vermont.

Born in Richmond,
Virginia.

Turn-ons:

Fellini films

and men with hairy chests
who read Chaucer.

Turnoffs:

Macho men who aren't
for world peace.

Also has a cat
named Bootsy.

What?

Just kidding, Mac.

How the heck would I
know who she is?

Ellis, Ellis, Ellis.

Now, come on, Harry.

You know Steckler
wouldn't risk his life

helping you over
that fence for nothing.

Come on,
you can tell us.

You were the buyer.

I don't want to have
anything to do with it.

And you guys
can't make me do it!

I want my lawyer!

Okay, fine.

I guess we don't need
Mr. Gutterman anymore,

do we?

Let's cut him loose,
shall we?

Loose? Wait a minute,
you can't do that.

I'll be dead before dinner.

Based upon current trends,
I'd say that's a good bet.

Yeah, I think
so, yeah.

Okay! Okay, you guys want me
to confess, I'll confess.

All right, I did it.
I did it.

I'll show you where
the bodies are. Come on.

Forget it.
Gutterman, forget it.

We're going to
cut you loose.

Bullshit.
Oh, yeah?

You're bluffing.
Now, just try me.

You're bluffing.
Just try me.

Mr. Gutterman here
is innocent,

so we're going
to cut him loose.

Will you process
him, please?

-Visit anytime.
-Process me, Rachel.

Are you sure
about this?

-Yeah, I'm sure.
-He's innocent?

Yeah, he's innocent.

Rick?

Detective Fielding.

From the Wagner case,
a couple of years ago.

Well, I just wanted to repay

the little help
that you gave us on that

with a news tip.

Well, we've been holding
Harry "The Hippo" Gutterman

as a material witness.

Yeah, Mr. Triple-X himself.

Yeah.

Trouble is, we can't
hold him anymore.

We've got to let him go.

Yeah, we're
cutting him loose right now.

Wondered if you wanted to come
down, ask him a few questions.

You would? Well, great.

How fast could you have
a video crew here?

Oh, terrific.

So he would make
the noon report, huh?

Well, I tell
you something.

You're going to have
a terrific interview
with this guy.

He's quite a character.

Okay.

That's not funny.

Now you're
catching on, kid.

You're signing
my death warrant!

Harry, don't use clichés,
all right?

We have no respect for you
if you use clichés.

This is like a nightmare.
Another cliché.

Let's get the newspapers
involved in this, all right?

It's a big story.
Why not the networks?

Yeah, the National Enquirer--
All right, all right.

All right,
what do you want?

When are you going to meet
Steckler to buy this film?

Tomorrow.
Where?

I own a bathhouse in New York.
Let's go.

No. Go. You go.
You don't need me.

We don't know what
Steckler looks like.

I-- I-- Listen.

I don't want to go with him.
He's crazy.

And I have my doubts
about you.

-Washington Post.
-Reuters International.

-TASS.
-CNN.

-Pravda.
-MTV.

-New York Times.
-I am not going!

I swear to God,

if I get killed,
I'm going to sue you guys.

-Uh-oh.
-What?

Someone we'd rather
not see right now.

Oh, jeez.

So who we running from?

Bad men, Harry.

Chasing us
to a police station?

These are
really bad guys.

Come on, move it.
Move it.

Hey, I want protection.

You'll get protection.

Oh, like I had
yesterday?

You're not
dead, are you?

-That's protection.
-You're just lucky,
that's all.

Come on, Harry.
Put it in high gear.

I got one gear.
This is it.

Who we running from?

We're taking the van.

Hey!

I'll drive.

No!
No!

Let's go.
Just a second.

I'd like to bring
my right leg with me,

you mind?

Let's go! Come on!

Hey, you've got
to sign for that.

Who the hell are they?

What the fuck
you think this is? Hertz?

We can't take a chance
on the open road.

We'll catch a train.

[YELLING]

You guys all right?
Yeah, yeah!

Lose them!
Lose them!

Whoa!

Hold on.

Where the hell
you think we're going?

Let's see
what you got, cowboy.

[YELLING]

What the hell is wrong
with you?
Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

Where'd you learn to drive?
I'm so sorry.

I didn't see you coming.

Hold on!

HARRY: To what?

Get this car
out of here!

Get into that car
and get out of here!

I know. I--
Get!

I can hear you.
Stop yelling!

Wait! You're going
to wreck the car!

What are you doing?

No! Oh, no!

Thom McCann's, 11E.

I'm dead.

Calm down.
Put him on the train, okay?

MAN: All aboard!

You have got to be
the dumbest jerk
I've ever met.

Bob, you brought
my application

for the FBI.

Oh, thanks.

Cut the crap. That's a writ
giving me custody

of the prisoner,
Harry Gutterman.

Ace, hold it.

Bob, you got a writ.

I got a writ.

My writ is better
than your writ.

Are you crazy?

This document
means nothing.

You'd better back off
quick, mister,

or I'll have your nuts
in a Cuisinart. You got that?

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, you know
anything about mathematics?

You know multiplication,
subtraction?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I understand math--

What's this add up to, Bob?

[GUN CLICKS]

You are crazy.

Yeah. I'll see you in court.

In the meantime,
stay out of my way.

I'll see you
in New York.

You just screwed
with the wrong man, boyo.

Get us some tickets.

Hey, that looks like
Bob Smiley

FIELDING: From the FBI?

Hey...

Yeah. Hi, Bob.

How you doing?

Hey, you know this train
goes to Cleveland, Mac?

Yeah, I know.

We'll catch a plane
back to Philly

and then drive
the rest of the way.

Cleveland?

I hope you noticed

I've been pretty even
and clear, huh?

Yeah.

No episodes, no problems.

Everything under control.

I'm kind of
proud of myself.

Can somebody tell me
what the hell's going on here?

Hold it, sweetheart.

Ellis, cover that dude.

Assume the position,
come on. Up, up, up.

[FOREIGN ACCENT]
This is the position
you meant, right?

I watch American TV.

At least you didn't say,
"Spread 'em."

I didn't see
that episode.

ID's in my purse.

Rebecca Lohengrin.

Call me Riva.

"Attaché Israeli Embassy."

Attaché spelled Mossad?

Mossad?

Israeli
secret service.

Oh, that's my people.

I'd like to apply for
political asylum right now.

Simmer down, Gutterman.

What about these dudes?

They don't look like they're
going to a Tupperware party.

Can we talk someplace
less conspicuous?

How about
the dining car?

We have a room
with a view.

It's a very small room.

How much do you know
about all this?

Just that Hitler
was a very naughty boy,

and that Von Metz
was his buddy.

Exactly, and now,
in four days,

this man is going to be
chancellor of Germany.

Unless you get
to that film.

Let me see if
I've got this straight.

Von Metz and Steckler
were close.

Then political opponents
of Von Metz

approached Steckler
with bribes,

seeing if they could
dig up something to use

against the old man.

Steckler found the film,

saw it was
of such great value,

decided
to double-cross everybody

and sell it
to the highest bidder,

which, in this case,
is Harry Gutterman.

Then, Von Metz started to kill
everybody who'd seen the film?

Not Von Metz directly.

You see, there's a mercenary
named Joseph Grimmer.

He's a neo-Nazi fanatic,
a psychotic.

He makes Noriega
look like Mother Teresa.

Von Metz's people
have lost control of him.

The rocket man.

Yeah. We've met him.

So I take it you want us
to give you the film?

We believe Von Metz was
a favorite of Hitler's.

In fact, he may
have been the one

chosen to help Hitler
commit suicide.

I've got to think
about this.

Well, do I get a vote?

Yeah, but in case
of a tie, I win.

Well, I know if I'm even
partially responsible

for letting a guy
like Von Metz go,

I'll have
more nightmares.

Me.

Et tu, Harry?

Since when did you get
so civic-minded?

Hah-hah.

I know. I know you think
I'm a sleazebag, right?

Maybe I am.
Maybe I am a sleazebag.

Maybe all my life
I've been a sleazebag.

Somebody had to be
the sleazebag.

If it hadn't been me,
maybe it would have been you.

So maybe you should thank me.
Did you ever think of that?

I never thought
about it like that,

but now that you put it
that way,

thanks a lot for being
a sleazebag for me.

It's my pleasure.

Anyway,
I say nail this Von Metz,

because, I mean,
he is a real sleazebag.

You know what I mean?

[WHISTLE BLARING]

Oh, my God!

Oh, Jesus!

Shit.
Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

That bastard's trying
to take over the train.

I think that bastard
has taken over the train.

All right, remember,
they need Gutterman alive.

That gives us an advantage.
I'll hold them in the front.
You go to the back.

Ellis,
I need your help!

Who are those guys,
Sundance?

Next time I say let's go
someplace like Bolivia,

let's go someplace
like Bolivia!

Who's he doing now?

I don't know.

Halt!

No, no, no, no.
Not yet.

Not until Harvey and I
get the rules
straightened out.

Butch Cassidy and the--
Sundance Kid.

Harvey? Rules?

Halt! Halt!

[IMITATING ROAD RUNNER]

Meep. Meep.

Halt! Halt!

Meep. Meep.

Road runner?

Hey, it's working.

Let's move.

Road Runner! Road Runner!

Up the stairs. Get Gutterman.
Come on! Come on!

Who are those guys?

I've been asking
that all day!

We can fight, or they can
starve us out, Sundance.

What?

They might surrender,
but I wouldn't count on it.

We'll fight!

No, we'll jump!

Jump!
Are you crazy?

-Do you want to die?
-I can't swim!

We've got to jump.

Are you nuts?
You couldn't possibly sink.

[SCREAMING]

Harry!

Harry!

[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]

* I'm Popeye
The Sailor Man *

* Toot, Toot

* The Love Boat

* Soon we'll be
Taking another... *

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

* Rollin'
Rollin' on a river *

Chopper's coming.
Come on, let's go.

Get down. Get down!

They're coming back.

They're leaving.

We'll be lucky
if that son of a bitch

doesn't have a bloodhound
on that helicopter.

What do we do now?

Well, they can't
hang around too long.

That hijacking is going to
attract a lot of attention.

We'll just wait here
till dark.

There's a little town
a couple miles back.

Ellis, you all right?

I'm sorry, Mac.

I'm sorry.

Let's go, Harry.

It's getting late.
Let's get ready to go, kid.

I can't make it, Mac.

What?

What are you
talking about?

The whole thing.

I just...

I feel like
I'm collapsing in on myself.

I feel like the next time
I go to split, I...

I'm going to go,

and I'm not going
to make it back,

and there's going to be
no Ellis anymore.

So...you've got to take me
back to the brothers.

Hey...

Listen, I'm going to
say something to you

that I have never ever said
to anybody in my life, ever.

What's that?

I need your help.

Yeah, I need your help.

I've always had this kind
of noble view of myself,

that I'm this
Mr. Straight Arrow

living in
a crooked world,

you know, if you don't
like my merry-go-round,

get off and get your
own wooden horse,

and then you came along,

and I saw you out there
battling against enemies

that you couldn't even see.

I said to myself,
"I've got to help this guy."

I mean, "I need
to help this guy."

So you can't go back
to the monastery.

You got that straight?

Sure, Mac.

You know the
poet Dylan Thomas?

I've read
a couple sonnets.

My favorite
line of poetry:

"Do not go gentle
into that good night.

Rage, rage against
the dying of the light."

That's what
you're doing, kid.

You've seen the light
flickering,

and you're afraid it's going
to go out, and it is.

It is going to go out,

and that should
piss you off.

You've got to get
your rage back.

You've got to fight.

You know what I'm saying?

Scare those dark,
ugly buggers

just right back
into the night.

Throw your head back
and howl, you know?

Try it, come on.

Throw your head
back and howl.

[HOWLS]

Come on, try it.

Come on.

[HOWLS]

Aw, come on,
that's a puppy yelp.

Come on.

Throw your head back
and howl.

Come on.

[HOWLING]

That's it.
Come on.

[HOWLING]

Doesn't that
feel good?

Now it's both of them.

Oh, shit.

[BELL CHIMING]

Pretty snazzy, Harry.

You gone legit?

I've got a lot
of legitimate interests.

Is this joint in your name?

It's a corporation.

I'm the president.

Then Grimmer and
his stormtroopers
will find it,

if they haven't already.

Mac...

Do we give the film
to the Israelis, right?

Yes.

I don't know
where the Israelis are,

and I don't have time
to find them.

She knows where we are.

Hey, you told her?

You shouldn't
have done that.

Mac... the Israelis
are going to make sure

the world sees this film,
tonight.

What are you talking about?

Von Metz is speaking tonight

to the International
Conference of Christians
and Jews.

The Israelis are going
to project the film
during his speech.

All right.

Harry?

Is there a back way
in this joint?

Are you kidding?

Yeah. Okay.

Is this
a secret passage?

Well, it comes in very handy
with jealous husbands,

business partners, etc.

Why don't you
get on your intercom,

find out if any large groups
have come through today.

Max?

Maxie?

Where the hell
are you, Max?

Max!

A two-way mirror, huh?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
two-way mirror.

WOMAN: Hello?
Max, it's me.

Any large groups of people
come in through here today?

Just singles
and couples.

Lots of business
for this time of day.

Anybody speaking German?

Anybody talking German?

No, sir,
no Germans.

What's going on,
Mr. Gutterman?

Nothing.
Thank you, sweetheart.

Let's take a look around.

Harry, you got a gun
I can use?

Oh, be my guest.

Wow!

All sizes,
all shapes, all models.

Every health spa
in New York so equipped?

Hey, we got a lot of
competition in this business.

Can you handle this?

I can handle it.

If you change,
make it into Rambo.

Yo.

It looks harmless enough.

On the surface.

Is that a steam room
over there?

Check it.

MAN: Why don't you grab
a towel and join us?

I'm trying to quit.

[MAN SPEAKING GERMAN]

Don't be cute.

I speak pig Latin.

Pig Latin...

[SNEEZES]

MAN: Gesundheit.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

[GUNFIRE]

Steckler!

[SHOUTING OUTSIDE IN GERMAN]

Go, Harry, go!
All right, Harry!

They're fucking
with the wrong Jew this time!

Steckler!
Get Steckler!

Get Steckler out of here!

What are you going to do?
I'll cover you.

Come on!

Come on!
My gun's jammed!

Ellis, cover me!

Hey...

[WEAKLY]
At Grand Central Station
in a locker.

What?

Hunky-dory, ja?

Up, liebling.

RIVA: Grimmer!

It's over!
Achtung!

I said, up, asshole!

Hold your fire!

We have your
collaborators.

Out the door now!

Now out!

Or we kill everybody! Now!

Schnell!

He told you, ja?

Only God hears him now.
He's dead.

No, tell me now!
I have no time!

I don't know.

You leave me no choice.

Schiess die zwei!
FIELDING: Ne in,schiesse nicht!

Ah, you understand German.
Tell me, where is it?

Tell me! Where is it?
I'll take you to it.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Grand Central!

We're going to
Grand Central Station.

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

Damn it.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Get me a blanket.

You got it.

No blanket.
Get a pliers.

[IN GERMAN]

[IN PIG LATIN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

You need tokens.
Got any tokens, Mac?

I don't--
I don't have any of them.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

I'm out of tokens, myself.
I could get some for you.

Sure, why don't
we do that.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

What's the matter?

It's the ceiling.
It's closing in.

I feel a little--
You're a good cop.

You're going to
be all right.

Hold on, all right?
Hold on.

We're going to make our move.
What are we going to do?

Umpjay annisterbay.
Huh?

Umpjay annisterbay.

Come on!

Go!

[GUNSHOT]

Mac!

Ellis!

Get up!

Ellis!

Ellis!

Ellis!

Police officer.
Let me through, please.

Let me through.

Police officer!

Police officer.

Back this train up
right now.

Are you crazy?
I can't back up.

Back up this train up!

Subway, no reverse.
Damn!

FIELDING: This one of your
regular haunts, Grimmer?

Taxi. Taxi!

Taxi!

[GRIMMER SPEAKS GERMAN]

Come on.

Police! Open up.

Come on, open up!

What's going on?

Let's go.
Grand Central Station.

Yes, sir.
Let's go!

There's a cab
in front of me.

Push him out of the way!
Push him out of the way?

Push him out of the way!
Come on, let's go.

Push him out
of the way.

I've always wanted
to do this.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, what the hell
you doing?

The light's going to change
in 30 seconds, you asshole!

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Go through it!
No way!

You like this stuff, huh?

This is fun
for you, huh, Grimmer?

Fun!

Hey! What do
you guys want--

Police! Don't move!
Drop it!

Drop it!

Cuff him, come on.

Get the other guy.

[WHISTLES]

Hold it!

Sorry, but the time
for politeness is over.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

Thank you
for the information.

You've been
a very entertaining fellow.

Now, auf Wiedersehen.

[CURSES IN GERMAN]

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

I told them the film
was in Workers Area "B"

in some guy named
Greisendorfer's locker.

Yeah.

There's no guy
named Greisendorfer.

You did good, kid.
You did good.

Steckler said
it was in locker 64.

64.

Workers Area "B".
Okay.

Locker 64.

You scared that ugly bugger
back into the night.

He heard me howling, huh?

He heard you howling.

[HOWLS]
[HOWLING]

Go get them.

Hold on.
Hold on just a couple minutes.

I'll be fine.

Go get it!

Mac!

Mac!

[YELLING IN GERMAN]

Hold it, sauerkraut!

Get your hands
on that locker, sweetie.

Come on, come on,
come on!

Come on, come on, come on!

Drop your weapon!

I'm a police officer.
Now!

Nobody move.

All right,
hold it, Cookie Monster.

Come down, pussycat.

Do not pass go.
Do not collect $200.

Get down.

Down the ladder!

Give me my film.

Easy. Give me the film.

[IMITATING CARTOON CHARACTERS]
Suffering succotash!

Gnuck, gnuck, gnuck.

I thought I saw a pussycat.
I did. I did.

[GUNSHOTS AND SCREAMING]

Oh, no, Mr. Bill!

I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Lucy, I'm home.

Well, isn't that
special?

It's comic relief, huh?

Well, excuse me!

Guess what?

Humpty Dumpty
took the great fall, huh?

That's my name.
Don't wear it out. Hah-hah!

Give me the fucking film.

Shoot him, Ellis.

Oh, yeah, right.

I can't, Mac.

I don't have a gun.

You didn't have to say that,
did you?

On the other hand,
he's crazy, you know?

He could be fibbing
about not having a gun.

Yeah, could be.

What do you think
a .45 automatic

would do to this guy
from here?

Put a pretty good hole
in him, don't you think?

[GUNSHOTS]

Grimmer!

About the gun...

I lied.

Guess what?

Humpty Dumpty's
back on the wall.

[SIRENS]

Police spokesmen
have refused comment.

Here now is exclusive footage
taken three days ago

by an Australian delegate,

when Israeli agents
interrupted Kurt Von Metz's
speech

with this astonishing film

showing the death
of Adolf Hitler

by ritual suicide.

Here one can see Hitler

kneeling before
the young soldier

chosen to deliver
the coup de grâce.

That soldier is none other
than Kurt Von Metz,

leaving no possible doubt

that Von Metz was a member
of the Nazi inner circle.

Here one can see, undeniably,

the striking
thunderbolt birthmark

under the left eye

of both the elder
and the younger Kurt Von Metz.

Irrefutable evidence.

[IMITATES GUNSHOT]

Yes. Put him on.

Mr. Gutterman
come out of recovery yet?

Mr. Gutterman?

Oh, you mean
the whale from hell?

HARRY: Nurse!

Right on cue.

Room 116.
Help yourself.

Help!

Aren't you going to go in
and see what's wrong with him?

I'd rather set
my head on fire

and have it put out
with a sledgehammer.

Nurse!

I'd like to see that,
actually.

You son of a bitch!

Oh, no,
watch the ass!

Watch the ass!
Watch the ass!

Watch the ass!
Oh, my God!

Wait a minute!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, you schmucks!
I have a hole in my ass!

That's why they
call you an asshole.

You call this
a wheelchair?

Get out of here!

Hi. Hey, you!

You call this protection?

I wouldn't be in this fix
if it wasn't for you, mister.

You really got your ass
in a sling this time, Harry.

How you feeling?

What do you mean,
how am I feeling?

I'm dancing Swan Lake
this afternoon.

Didn't they tell you?
How am I feeling?

They just took 12 ounces
of lead out of my ass!

You needed some lead
taken out of your ass.

You know that.
Funny. Funny.

Now I got six months of
ass jokes to look forward to.

Ooh. How's Ellis?

Oh, he's great.

He's one floor down.
Want to go see him?

Yeah, you drive.

Oh, shit.

Who are the children
of the night?

We are the children
of the night!

I think he's in there.

They are the children
of the night.

Ooh! Easy.

Hah, hah, hah, hah!

What kind of
monsters are we?

Dinosaurs!

What kind of dinosaurs?

Tyrannosaurus rex!

Let me see
the Tyrannosaurus rex.

[ROARING]

Hey, Mac.
Just entertaining the troops.

Harry!

Hey! Hey, everybody,
this is Harry the Hippo,

the super spy
I told you about.

Let's give him a hand.

He's too fat
to be a spy.

Yeah!

Fat guys
can't be spies!

Yeah!

I'm not fat.
Wait a minute!

Hold it!
Hold it down!

I'm not fat.

I'm Harry Gutterman.

I'm an international agent.
No, you're not!

And I am disguised,
this week, as a fat guy.

This is all Jell-O.

That's why I smell
like strawberries.

Feel. Go ahead.

Whoa, easy now,
he's a national treasure.

Listen, who wants to hear
how I broke the Von Metz case?

Me!

All right, all right,
all right.

Bring me over to those
glazed doughnuts over there,

and I'll tell you all
about it.

First of all,
I had this dog, no nose.

How did he smell?
Terrible, take my word for it.

God, he's great
with kids.

First of all,
there was this guy,

a real son of a bitch,

but I didn't give a shit
about him.

This is when I was thinner--

You know, uh,
Riva came by this morning.

Oh, how's she doing?

Well, great.
You were in therapy.

Yes, would I lie
to children?

Yeah!

Listen. Let's take a walk,
okay?
Okay.

You know, you're all
getting on my nerves.

Nurse, take them
out of here!

Look, Ellis--

Sounds serious.

Yeah.

I know you were looking
forward to being partners,

and so was I, really...

Uh-huh.

But Riva, she recruited
Harry and I

to be secret agents with
the Israeli government.

You know, the Mossad.

Yeah.

Naturally, I have to convert
to Judaism right away.

I'm going to be
bar mitzvahed tomorrow.

Mm-hmm.

Harry and I,

we leave for Tel Aviv
the following day

to train at some secret site
in the Sinai Desert.

Really?
Yeah.

The only thing I'm
worried about is, uh...

I have to be circumcised.

Circumcised?
You're kidding.

Yeah.

Hah-hah.

Oh, Mac. Mac, Mac, Mac.

You know why we make
such good partners?

No, why?

Because, technically,
you're crazier than I am.

I knew that.

[**]