Original subtitles

[Rocket] Rocket's List of Grievances,

Number 323, in a never-ending series.

First off, we finally get the recognition we deserve

for defeating Odin's loser of a brother, the Serpent.

[chomping]

Yeah, that's real Asgardian gold.

Probably fetch us 50 or 60 thousand units each on the black market.

Eh, not that I'd know anything about that.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah.

Got a bunch of medals for defeating the Serpent, blah, blah, blah--

[Asgardians cheering] Asgard salutes you!

...only to have the bum crash the party. [rumbling]

Literally.

Huh? Hmm?

[grunts]

[Asgardians screaming, yelling]

Remember that big old World Tree in the middle of Asgard?

Well, it turns out the Serpent not only planted it,

he controls it!

[grunts]

[Asgardians yelling] He used the World Tree to capture every single Asgardian.

[thunderclap] Well, not every Asgardian.

[grunts]

Gotta hand it to the blond guy. Huh?

He put up a good fight.

A little light on the explosions for my taste,

but heavy on the property damage. [yells]

[Guardians, Loki yell]

[Guardians, Loki grunting]

Thor sacrificed himself and severed the Rainbow Bridge to Asgard

so's we could escape in the Bifrost chamber...

with his loser of a brother, Loki.

[sighs] All of Asgard defeated,

destroyed, demoralized,

and not by me!

Eh, cheer up, horn-head. With Thor and Odin out of the picture,

you finally get to be what you always wanted--

All-Father over all of Asgard.

Which now consists of this room and a small fragment of the Rainbow Bridge.

That is why I intend to escape through the Bifrost

to somewhere as far as possible from this realm!

Wait! You can operate the Bifrost?

Why didn't you mention that little tidbit before?

Because, Peter Quill, it does not matter!

Even though I am All-Father, even with the Bifrost at my disposal,

I still could not possibly defeat my uncle, the Serpent, on my own.

Yeah, but unlike you, we got friends.

We could split up and take the Bifrost

to bring reinforcements from all over the galaxy.

I am Groot?

No, Gamora didn't think about that.

But I did. [clears throat] [clicks on]

To Whom It May Concern:

The entire galaxy is flarged unless you help us!

Eh, problem solved.

Now open the Bifrost. We ain't got all day.

And why should I trust you to return?

Ooh! Ooh! I got that one!

'Cause you don't have a choice.

Fear not, Prince of Lies.

The fate of Asgard and the entire galaxy

is in our capable hands.

[groans]

We are well and truly flarged.

Now, where is that milk?

[thunderclap] Aah!

[grunts]

Listen up, Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

Which admittedly ain't saying much.

We got a galactic emergency on our hands.

No time to explain. So let's move it on...

Eh...

Eh, where's the big green guy?

Oh, uh, that would be me. Sometimes.

Oh, yeah, right.

So, go green already. I ain't got all day.

Well, it's not that easy, really.

Uh, something has to make me angry first.

Huh. Challenge accepted!

Huh. [grunting]

I'd really like to help, but if you wanna get me mad,

you're gonna have to make some effort.

Oh, I'll show ya effort!

[grunts] Ha!

Right. I-I can't get mad at you if I can't see you.

Ha! [giggles]

Besides, I have to keep a spare pair.

They tend to break when the other guy shows up.

[sighs] So when's that gonna happen?

As soon as you make me mad.

[frustrated grunt]

Wet... but not angry.

[grunting]

[laughing] Stop it.

Tickles. Uh, and still not angry.

[grunts]

[screaming]

Definitely amused, uh, but not angry.

[grunts] Ha-ha! What about tha--

Aah! [yells] Hot! Hot!

[yelling]

[coughing]

Look, I can't get angry if I can't take you seriously.

Seriously?

Take this seriously!

[maniacal laughter]

[maniacal laughter continues]

[yelling]

[panting]

Oh, yes! Yes! Here it comes.

[soft growling]

[laughing]

Seriously?! How can you not be angry?

I just destroyed your lab!

[laughing continues] Th-- This--

This isn't my lab! [laughing]

[Iron Man] No, it's my lab!

[Rocket] Iron Man?!

Okay, before you get your tin shorts all twisted,

this was all for a good cause!

Your buddy Thor's in trouble, not to mention the whole galaxy!

So I needed to get the puny guy mad so he'd go Hulk.

Right, puny guy?

Tony, is that my milk?

I don't know. Maybe. Hold on.

This is my building, so technically,

it's my milk. [guzzling]

You-- You stole my milk

and drank from the carton?!

[growling] [Tony continues guzzling]

[belches] [roars]

[roars]

How many times-- No.

...have I told you [grunting]

not to take my milk?!

[grunting]

[both grunt]

[roars] [yelling]

Open the Bifrost! Bifrost! [roaring]

Hey, do you think, uh, Banner'll mind that we took his milk?

This is your fault, Yondu!

Don't you go blaming me, Nebula.

I was just following your orders to obtain this here cannon.

I didn't tell you to steal it from other Ravagers!

Y'all want this back, do you?

Well, here's a taste!

I am Groot.

[both] Huh?

[Rocket clears throat]

To Whom It May Concern:

The entire galaxy is flarged unless you help us!

Uh-huh.

[grunts]

One more for good measure. Huh?

Aaahhh!

Hey, whatcha doin' down there?

I am Groot!

I ain't got time for none of Quill's "ooga chaka."

[laughs, gasps] I am Groot!

Hey!

¶¶ [whistling]

I am Groot!

I am Groot.

Where's my cannon at, shrub?

¶¶ [whistling]

I am Groot. [gasps]

¶¶ [whistling]

I am Groot!

[straining]

I am Groooot! ¶¶ [whistling]

¶¶ [same tune as Yondu's whistling]

No fair! I'm the one who controls my arrow!

[yells] ¶¶ [continues]

[whistles]

¶¶ [whistling]

I am Groot!

Quit fooling around, Yondu, or I'm leaving without you!

¶¶ [Yondu continues whistling] [grunting]

[arrow lands] Ow!

Seriously?! [screeching]

Yondu! You will not like

what I do with this arrow when I find you!

[Rocket, distorted] Entire galaxy is flarged...

[stops] I am Groot.

[button clicks] [gasps]

I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot!

I am Groot?

[wind howling softly]

Where is the plasma cannon? Don't ask!

Why is my arrow sticking out of your-- Don't ask!

¶¶ [whistles]

[both grunt]

I am Groot!

What do you want from us?

[clears throat]

I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot. I am Groot.

I am Groot!

I am Groot. [sighs]

[yawns]

I am Groot!

Fine. Whatever you want.

I am Groot!

So, what did we just agree to?

Let me in! Sammy, let me in!

Just 'cause Mom told me to watch you

doesn't mean you can come in my room, Kaelynn!

No girls allowed! Whoa!

Gamora?

Sam, there's a galactic emergency.

I need your help right now. No time to explain.

[Kaelynn] Sam, who's in there?

Is it a girl?

No one! Go away!

[quietly] Listen, I can't go with you.

My mom grounded me and hid my Nova helmet

after she found out I got thrown in Nova prison.

I would've thought nearly being executed was punishment enough.

Beats having to watch my baby sister.

[grunts]

I'm not a baby, Sam.

Are you the real babysitter? Out! Now!

Besides... [singsongy] I know where your helmet is.

[Gamora grunts] Tell me where it is, child!

[yells]

Now!

Uh, it's okay, Gamora.

Kaelynn's just lying so she can come in my room.

Which you can't. Now go.

Good luck finding your helmet.

We don't need luck.

I just have to scan for its frequency.

[pinging]

It's close. Really close.

Wheeeee! Whee! Wheeee!

[together] Oh, no.

[yelling]

[grunts] [yells]

[singsongy] You can't catch me!

[grunts, sighs]

Get... down... here... now! Wheeee! [yells]

Here! Take one of these!

[yelling]

[grunts] [thud]

I meant use it to chase her!

My way was faster.

Aahh! [laughing]

Again! Again!

[grunts] [straining]

Aww.

[grunts] Listen, Kaelynn,

I need that helmet to help Gamora save the galaxy. [Kaelynn continues straining]

You always save the galaxy. [straining]

I never get to save the galaxy!

You never let me do anything! [straining intensifies]

[panting]

I'll let you do anything you want, Kaelynn.

[gasps] Really?

Really?

Wheee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

This is better than saving the galaxy!

Next time Sam tries to kick you out of his room, [squealing]

he'll have to go through me.

First rule of sisterhood: unite against a common enemy. [Kaelynn laughing]

Open the Bifrost!

I can't just leave Kaelynn home alone.

[car horn honks]

I don't think that'll be a problem.

You can be in my room,

[grunting] but don't touch my stuff while I'm gone.

[groaning]

Hm!

¶¶ [humming]

[thunderclap] Huh?

[yells, groans]

Listen up, people! The legendary Star-Lord is here

to bring back the best and bravest

for a mission of galactic...

Oh, don't let me stop you. Finish your speech.

What, seriously? Howard the Duck?

[groans] It's another fake assignment!

Oh, what, I'm not good enough for your little mission?

And I still don't know what a duck is.

This is Conjunction.

The place is literally crawling with arena fighters.

There must be someone better than a talking duck here!

Well, you're a talking human. I'm not impressed.

No, see, you don't get it.

I'm looking for a champion to save the galaxy.

Did someone say "champion"?

'Cause I'm Tryco Slatterus, the Champion of the Universe!

Right. And what are your qualifications, exactly?

I-- I'm the Champion... of the Universe.

It's literally right in the title.

Okay. Well, I guess anything beats a duck in a suit.

Welcome aboard, Champ!

[grunts, yells] [yells]

[groans] [thud]

Hey! I thought you were gonna help me save the galaxy!

I will. Once you beat me in combat!

[grunts] No, I think-- [yells]

No, I think you're unclear... [yells]

on the concept! [yells, grunts]

[bones crack] [crying out]

[yells]

[yells, grunts] [clangs]

[grunts, groans]

[whimpers, yells]

[yells] [whimpers]

[grunts]

[yelling]

The idea is we fight on the same side!

We will, if you're worthy.

[grunts] Okay, somebody needs to chill out.

[grunting, panting]

Howard-- Howard, little help!

Oh, so now you want my help.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

[beeps]

[grunts] Huh? [click]

[both grunt]

[groans]

Hey, it's no fair bringing your twin brother.

Oh, that's better.

No, wait! That's worse! [grunts]

Ha! Still think I'm useless?

Kinda.

Oh, I could set him free if you wanna go another round.

[sighs] Fine. You got the gig.

Open the Bifrost!

[sighs] All right.

We'll, uh, call this one a draw.

Oy, what a mess!

Cosmo knows one thing for sure.

No one will be teleporting in and out of Knowhere for long time.

Whoa!

[yells] Cosmo, I need your help to--

To free Asgard from Serpent and save galaxy, da. Cosmo read Drax mind.

Cosmo come like good dog, but Cosmo need lucky squeaky toy. [squeaks]

Cosmo take on very first cosmonaut mission.

Never leaves Knowhere without it.

That was surprisingly easy.

Perhaps even a waste of my-- [yells]

[yells in Russian]

Heel! Bad Knowhere!

Knowhere has been bit temperamental

since Guardians destroy Continuum Cortex.

Is okay.

Now, as Cosmo was saying--

Oh, nyet.

Not again! [squeaks]

[grunts] Can you not discipline this giant severed head?!

Cosmo try to read Knowhere mind.

Curious. Knowhere is--

how you say-- whimpering?

My daughter, Camaria, would behave the same

when I was about to leave for an extended arena combat tour.

It is called "separation anxiety."

And how would Drax handle? I had several methods.

The first, and most effective, was to lie.

Fear not, Knowhere!

Drax and Cosmo will return momentarily.

We most certainly will not be confronting

an all-powerful Asgardian in fierce battle

to determine the fate of the entire galaxy.

But I was so convincing.

Another method I used on Camaria

was to distract her with an activity.

[singsongy] Knowhere, Cosmo has important job for you!

Please to stack Darkhawk prison pods in neat pile.

[speaks Russian]

Well done, mongrel.

Now, while Knowhere's distracted, we will take our leave.

[grunts]

Is not working!

Knowhere is having tantrum temper!

I would often let Camaria cry it out in such instances. [rumbling]

[grunts]

Comrade Squeakers!

Drop it! Drop it! [grunts]

[squeaks]

[grunts]

Cosmo not like "cry it out"!

[squeaks] I have one final method.

It is called a "transitional object."

Something to remind Camaria of me when I was gone. [squeaks]

Camaria's was a beloved stuffed animal she named Mr. Rhinopus.

Alas, I do not currently have Mr. Rhinopus on my person.

Perhaps some other treasured object will suffice.

[squeaks]

Oh, nyet!

[sighs] Okay.

Please to keep Comrade Squeakers safe until Cosmo come back?

Cosmo always come back.

It's not like galaxy will end.

Oh, flarg.

Is lot like galaxy will end.

I am Groot!

Like the tree says,

welcome to the Guardians of the krutackin' galaxy.