Original subtitles

[Rock music plays]

[Barking]

♪ Somebody's drivin' my car ♪

♪ Somebody's usin' my name ♪

♪ Somebody's kissin' my girl ♪

♪ So why am I doin' time? ♪

♪ This ain't no pink champagne ♪

♪ Doin' time ♪

♪ This is a ball and chain ♪

♪ Doin' time ♪

♪ This ain't no swank hotel ♪

♪ Doin' time ♪

♪ This is a mile-wide hell ♪

♪ If it don't fit the crime ♪

♪ How come you get off, and I'm doin' time? ♪

[Guitar solo]

♪ Somebody bake me a cake ♪

♪ You'd better sneak in a file ♪

♪ You'd better buy me a judge ♪

♪ I've been set up, and I'm doin' time ♪

♪ This ain't no pink champagne ♪

♪ Doin' time ♪

♪ This is a ball and chain ♪

♪ Doin' time ♪

♪ This ain't no swank hotel ♪

♪ Doin' time ♪

♪ This is a mile-wide hell ♪

♪ Honey, please don't leave me hangin' here ♪

♪ Can't you see the end is near? ♪

♪ Its a crime ♪

♪ You get off, and I'm doin' time ♪

- [Crickets chirp] - Bobby, run!

Hold it! Red light!

Green light! Go!

[Mechanical whirring]

[Grunts]

[Whirring continues]

[Muttering]

Okay, go! Let's go!

Red light.

Green light.

[Billy club bangs]

[Shoe squeaks]

Did you hear that?

It came from over there.

[Whirring continues]

- [Handle jiggles] - Locked.

[Whirring intensifies]

Freeze!

Oh, hi, fellas.

[Machine whirring]

Hi.

Ernest, how many times do I have to tell you

about bank procedure?

Do you realize you could've caused

a serious accident here, perhaps even a blood bath?

[Exhales deeply]

This man is a coiled cobra ready to strike

at the slightest irregularity.

I'm sorry, fellas.

- [Flicking rapidly] - I-I just got to workin' on this old polisher switch,

and I just forgot.

Okay.

I'm gonna let you off this time

because you're one of us and you work at the bank.

Yeah.

But I won't always have this job.

Someday I'll be able to wield the financial muscle

of this institution.

I'll be able to move assets around

like chessmen on a financial chessboard.

Someday corporate managers will shudder in their wingtips

at my approach, for I will be... a bank clerk.

- [Polisher roars] - Aah!

[Motor revving]

Ow! Ow!

A- A-A-A-A-Ah!

[Crash]

Aah! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Bob, I'm sick of this police band.

Let's listen to something with kick to it!

[Calypso music plays]

[Squawks] Yeah!

Help! Chuck!

Ouch! Aah!

[Motor revving]

Oh!

[Creaking]

[Grunting] It won't turn off!

Help! Help! Help!

Aah!

[Metal rattling]

♪ Don't make me climb ♪

♪ These aren't my tree-climbing shoes ♪

[Beeping]

Stop! Stop!

[Screeching]

Huh?

Whoa!

You can't go up the wa-a-a-a-ll!

Ow! Ow!

Aah!

[Motor stops]

[Grunting]

[Coughs]

Aah!

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

♪ ... Tree-climbing shoes ♪

[Electricity crackles]

Uh...

Huh?

[Metal rattling]

[Stammering] Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

Uh! Uh! Uh!

Yaa! Yaa!

[Suspenseful music plays]

Uh! Uh! Uh! Yaa! Yaa!

[Metal rattling]

[Chair squeaking]

Aaaaah!

[Squeaking]

[Metal rattling]

[Rumbling]

[Squeaking]

[Squeaking]

[Squeaking]

[Metal rattling]

♪ Anyway, man, monkeys have been up there ♪

♪ Yes, put that down! Put that down! ♪

[Grunting]

[Bangs and squeaks]

[Bangs and squeaks]

Ah heh heh heh heh heh.

[Rattling] Huh?

What?

Uh!

[Grunts]

My hands are stuck! I'm doomed!

[Grunts]

Aah!

[Mumbling]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Groans]

[Thud, metal rattling]

Security check five.

No problem.

[Alarm blaring]

Man: There has been a breach in security.

All prisoners, return to your cellblocks.

[Indistinct shouting]

[Grunts]

[Whistle blows]

Hey, you!

[Indistinct shouting]

[Grunts]

[Alarm continues]

Mr. Nash, you got to help me.

I just killed a guy.

What about it? You got to help me!

[Whistle blows in distance]

[Deep voice] I help no one who can't help me.

Its your mess, Rubin.

You clean it up.

Mr. Nash, you...

you got to do something!

[Indistinct shouting]

Help me!

[Birds chirping]

Good morning, Frank.

[Gulping]

Morning, Chuck.

Did you have a problem last night?

[Exhales deeply] N-Nothing we couldn't handle.

Oh.

Not again today.

You might as well go ahead and, uh, show him some kind of I.D., Miss Sparrow.

I have to, and I'm his brother.

What in the Sam Hill do you think you're doin'?

Ernest?

Ernest!

Oh.

What happened?

Uh... uh, I-I was just guardin' the money...

you know, bein' extra careful, uh, walkin' that extra mile.

Ernest, this is the biggest mess you've ever made.

If Mr. Pendlesmythe sees this...

It wasn't my fault.

They followed me in here. It was awful.

You can't imagine... especially these two.

Ernest, whatever happened, you've got to clean it up now. Come on. I'll help you.

Did you read those books that I gave you?

I tried, but they were real tough.

There weren't any pictures, and the print was real small.

Ernest, you've got to work hard if you want to get ahead.

I know, but I get discouraged.

And besides, Mr. Pendlesmythe's not gonna give me a chance.

Ernest, you got to believe in yourself.

Y-You've got to have faith in the system.

You're right, Charlotte.

After all, I am Ernest P. Worrell,

an upwardly mobile American at his best,

and I know that if I pay my taxes, bathe,

and floss regularly,

I will ascend the ladder of success, hand over foot.

Ernest, do you think the floor needs a polish?

[Grunts]

Come on. Walk this way. Come on.

Two minutes for me, man.

[Grunting]

Man: Attention to cellblock...

exercise time is over in five minutes.

[Chain creaking]

[Grunting]

Today's your deadline, Eddie.

I want that money you owe me.

I'm sorry, Mr. Nash.

I just need a little more time.

Not good enough, Eddie.

Lyle...

See if you can help Eddie with his attitude.

[Breathing heavily]

I'll get it for you. I swear.

Oh, I know that, Eddie.

The question is when.

Tomorrow... I'll get it for you tomorrow.

Today's your deadline. I hate to encourage tardiness.

[Chain creaking]

[Whimpers]

Please... I'll get it for you tonight.

I swear.

See that you do, Eddie.

See that you do.

[Grunts]

[Sobs]

There. All cleaned up.

That should pass Mr. Pendlesmythe's inspection.

Right you are, Charlotte.

And Mr. Poodlesmurf is lucky to have me on his team.

As a matter of fact, one of these days,

I'm gonna walk into that office, and I'm gonna say...

- "Oscar, babe..." - What?

Uh, good morning, Mr. Puddlesmoot...

Smiddlepit... Smooglepoot...

Pendlesmythe, you idiot!

Uh, yes, sir.

Can't you get anything right?

Why are you such a screw-up?

[Door opens, slams]

Ernest, you've got to be more careful.

I know.

I'll never get to be a clerk.

I'll be lucky if they let me stay on as a janitor,

know what I mean?

Hey, maybe I can help you with that promotion.

All you need is a little more self-confidence.

You're right, Charlotte. I need to think more positive.

I need to think... I'll get that job.

Why, that man is putty in my fingers.

I'm just toyin' with him now,

like a kitten with a June bug.

I was just thinking that, uh,

- Yeah, like a... - since you're not working tomorrow

that maybe we could get together,

talk about the job, maybe have dinner.

- Dinner? - [Typewriter clacking]

Did you say "dinner"... like just the two of us

in the same town on the same day in the same restaurant,

possibly at the same table?

Well, yes, but... just as friends, right?

I mean just as friends. I mean, we'll get together, we'll talk about the job.

I can give you some, uh, insights

based upon my experience.

Experience.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I suggest you bring your willpower, young woman.

Be forewarned... the Worrell charm is merciless.

Oh, sure, Charlotte.

You just want to show me... the ropes.

You just want to give me a leg up to the bottom rung

of that little ladder called "success."

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Rimshot.

We have to choose just the right ensemble.

No. Too formal for dinner.

[Groans]

Ah, the perfect choice...

European styling with a decidedly American flair.

[Beeping, whirring]

Charlotte has more than a professional interest

in yours truly.

And who can blame her?

I've never understood

why I have such a profound effect on women,

but why argue with success?

[Hinge squeaks, machine whirs]

[Babbling]

[Machine stops, hinge squeaks]

[Spits]

[Whimpers]

Yeah, I'm a man who has just found his parking space

in the fast lane.

[Machine whirs, water splashes]

Who knows what lies ahead for such a man?

[Water splashing]

Aah-aah-aah-aah!

Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!

- [Banging] - Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!

Aah-aah-aah!

[Sighing] Ahhhhhh...

[Exhales deeply]

[Click]

Wh-o-o-o-oa! Uh!

[Grunting, panting]

[Grunting]

[Click, machine stops]

[Breathing heavily]

[Hinge squeaks]

Well, there's my problem right there.

Looks like this little wire's got a little sh...

[Babbling] ...hhhhhhhhhhhhh...

...ort in it.

[Electricity hums]

Gosh! Not again.

Woman: [Laughing] Oh!

[Soft classical music plays]

Bonsoir. Dinner for two?

Right.

I'll be your waiter this evening.

You may call me Philippe.

I'll just give you a moment to look over your menu.

I had a long talk with Mr. Pendlesmythe today.

- [Electricity hums] - It took a lot of convincing,

but he agreed to accept your application

for the clerk's job.

He did?

- [Electricity hums] - But the thing is...

y-you've got to be more careful.

I just know I can win him over.

We'll have that little talk around the old water cooler

about... team sports and transmissions,

jock itch... things that just guys talk about, know what I mean?

I'll have him eatin'

- [Electricity hums] - Right out of the palm of my hand.

I know that it's hard, Ernest,

- [Electricity pulsating] - But Mr. Pendlesmythe can't stand mistakes.

And between you and I, I don't think he can stand people, either.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not like other people, know what I mean?

[Chuckles]

Frankly, Ernest,

I don't even know why you want the job.

I mean, he's a horrible man to work for.

At least where you are now,

you only have to see him once a day.

Want to hear something really funny?

- [Electricity hums] - I thought I was gonna get promoted

to branch manager this time last year.

What a laugh, huh?

Y-Yeah, but did you hear the one about the 3-legged dog

- [Electricity hums] - That walked into the saloon and said,

"I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my 'paw"'? [Pa]

Ah heh heh heh heh.

[Laughs]

Ernest, this is fun.

[Gasps]

I mean, you're pretty good company.

I come from a long line of bon vivants.

We're known for our charm, wit,

and sparkling dinner conversation, know what I mean?

[Electricity hums]

- [Crash] - Ernest?

Ernest, are you all right?

[Grunting]

[Breathing heavily]

I recommend the lobster. Ah heh heh. Ah heh heh heh.

Sir.

Man: There he is.

Hey, warden, we don't come to your house.

[Indistinct voices, laughter]

Open C-12.

[Door rattles, thuds]

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the infamous Mr. Nash.

My sources tell me that you and your guard dog

got in some trouble yesterday down in the weight room.

Just mindin' my own business, warden,

somethin' you might want to try sometime.

[Toilet flushes]

Now, you can make things easy on yourself,

or you can make 'em hard.

It's up to you.

You hear me, Nash?!

Yeah, I hear you, warden.

Now you hear me.

When you step out of that cozy little office,

you're on my turf.

And if I were you, I would watch my step.

[Chuckles]

If that's a threat, it's a weak one.

Your day's comin' real soon, Nash...

and we both know it. [Chuckles]

[Door rattles]

Man: Close C-12.

I've got to get out of this place.

Chuck: Ernest, you wouldn't believe

the new security system we have for the van...

maximum protection and minimum carnage...

[Brakes squeak]

And three levels of power!

Ernest, I...

Thanks, Chuck. Thanks, Bobby.

I'm not finished talkin' to you about this!

This is really neat!

[Hinge squeaks]

[Rimshot barks]

Here, Rimshot.

- Here, boy. - [Barks]

That's a good boy. How you been?

Miss your daddy?

Good boy.

Let's see what we got in the mail.

All right!

Down you go.

[Barks]

[Door squeaks]

[Mechanical whirring, bell rings]

[Door closes]

[Barks]

[Clicking]

[Bell rings]

[Horn honks]

[Squeaks]

[Thud]

[Whimpers]

[Up-tempo music plays]

Wow!

This is great! I don't believe it!

Jury duty!

Look, Rimshot! I've been chosen for jury duty!

This is great!

Chuck!

Bobby!

[Mechanical whirring]

[Bell rings]

Chuck! Bobby!

Alley-oop. [Grunts]

Uh-oh.

[Gunshots]

I hate this minefield.

[Gunshots continue]

It's a miracle! I'm so happy! I'm ecstatic!

Uh, uh, it's a dream come true!

Chuck, Bobby, guess what!

Ernest, you're in the line of fire! Move it!

Go! Pick 'em up, put 'em down! Go! Go! Go!

I hate this part!

- [Whistle blows] - Ow!

[Exhales deeply]

I'm the luckiest guy in the whole world.

They chose me.

Out of hundreds of thousands of other people,

they chose me for United States jury duty.

- [Gunshot] - Isn't that great?

- [Gunshots] - Yeah, great.

Bobby, soup's on!

I mean, the opportunity to decide...

right or wrong, good or evil,

regular or unleaded,

to hold a man's life in the palm of my hand and decide,

"Should I crush it... or allow it to go free

like a bird on the wings of time?"

[Feathers rustling]

[Bird chirping]

Burn him.

[Bell rings, gunshot]

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

one of the most precious guarantees in our Constitution

is that of a fair trial.

Every defendant has the right to one.

This defendant is no exception.

It is you who must decide his case, not I.

You must weigh the evidence carefully.

Counselor, you may proceed.

Thank you, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the state will prove that the defendant, Rubin Bartlett,

who is a known henchman of the notorious crime czar

and bank robber Felix Nash,

did, in fact, murder

- [Pen snaps] - A fellow prisoner while in jail.

And for this, the state asks that you extend

his remaining time of five months

into a sentence of life without parole.

[Man clears throat]

Ladies and gentlemen, the defense will show

that the deceased was not killed by my client.

In fact, he wasn't killed by anyone.

He died as the result of a tragic accident,

when, in a poorly lit stairwell,

he tripped over an inadequately placed railing

and plunged, regrettably, to his death.

If there is a guilty party in this case,

it must surely be the system,

to allow such unsafe conditions to exist.

Once you've heard the evidence, I'm sure you'll agree with me

that the charges against my client, Mr. Bartlett,

are completely spurious,

and that you will find him... not guilty.

[Chewing loudly]

Ah heh heh heh.

Excuse me, sir. Are you all right?

Uh, just fine, thank you.

This guy looks exactly the same as Nash.

Are you crazy? I...

look, the guy's perfect. It's downright uncanny.

We can't just...

It'll work. It will.

[Clears throat] Your honor... to allow the jury

to fully understand the case for the defense,

we feel as though it's imperative

that they see the environment

within which this unfortunate accident occurred.

Therefore, we move that these proceedings be continued

to the site of the alleged crime.

Well, I find this request highly irregular.

However, if the prosecution has no objections...

Prosecutor: Uh, no objections, your honor.

So be it.

These proceedings will reconvene tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. At the Dracup Correctional Facility.

[Gavel bangs]

Oh, boy!

A field trip!

[Chewing loudly]

I'm telling you... this guy is right on the numbers.

It's so simple.

Towel.

We make the switch,

you get in on the jury and find me innocent,

then you walk away a free man,

and I make sure this guy Ernest gets what's coming to you.

In and out...

wham, bam... and it's over.

Yeah.

I'm a real big fan of the early release program.

[Both laugh]

[Man talking indistinctly over intercom]

[Brakes squeak]

[Metal clinking]

Attorney: I would like to thank the members of the jury

for bearing with us.

Dracup Prison is...

Okay, Lyle, we got one shot at this, so make it count.

...there are those that must endure its reality.

So, what we are here to talk about today...

is death... horrible...

frightening, something to be avoided.

But is death murder?

Is murder death?

I think not.

And yet, though we must feel some sympathy for the victim,

we cannot...

Psst!

By wrongfully accusing...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly what...

The state has made no case.

Psst!

They've presented no compelling evidence.

Come here, you.

Why? Because there is none...

Am I me?

Nash: Come here.

Huh?

We don't dispute that.

Of course, all of us, as reasonable human beings,

mourn them...

Ugh!

[Groans]

Attorney: Certainly...

[Groans]

Hurry up, Lyle.

And keeping this in mind,

I would like to move these proceedings to the staircase...

Man: Right this way, please.

Heh heh heh.

[Indistinct conversations]

All right, Rubin, let's go.

[Groaning]

Nash! Wake up!

No napping during exercise period.

[Man talking indistinctly over intercom]

No talking.

Yes, sir, officer, whatever you say.

Boy, this is great!

A brief workout to gather our thoughts,

then it's off to the jury room to decide...

very ingenious.

And they even gave us these nifty workout clothes.

Boy, I love jury duty, don't you?

Whatever you say, Mr. Nash.

Oh, you don't have to be so formal.

You can just call me Ernest, Ernest P. Worrell.

Hey! You know the rules. No talking.

Yes, sir.

Kind of strict, aren't they?

Man: Cellblock B-29, move to the left.

The rest of you, move...

Man ♪2: "C" to the left, "D" to the right.

Ah, lunch... how thoughtful.

For the mind to work, the body must have fuel.

A lot of jurors here today.

There must be a lot of trials going on...

a sad commentary on our disintegrating society,

know what I mean?

[Whistle blows]

Man: All right, brace it up.

[Conversations stop]

[Clinking]

[Clinking continues]

[Thud]

Oh, uh, I don't think our table has any steak sauce.

Get up!

I-I'm sorry. Where are my manners?

I should have waited for the others.

[Whistle blows]

Eat, greaseball!

[Conversations resume]

I didn't order greaseball.

Wrap it up. Wrap it up.

Man: All right, stand to the back.

Backs against the wall.

Open up "C" block.

- [Whistle blows] - All right, let's move it!

Come on, come on, come on, let's go.

Ernest: We're sequestered,

a- and on top of that, we can't even leave.

Oh, this is great. This is just great.

Uh!

I hope you've got a good story to tell my boss.

After all, I do have a living to earn.

Now, look, Nash...

My name is Worrell, Ernest P. Worrell.

Oh, Mr. Funny Man, huh?

Yeah, Mr. Funny Man, you'll think funny

when you're tapping to the tune of 220, son!

[Door closes]

That is the rudest bailiff

I have ever seen in my life.

Ugh!

- [Thud] - Oh! [Gasps]

Wait a minute.

- [Thud] - Ooh! Oh!

Man: Hey, come on, knock it off!

You're that guy.

Bailiff! Bailiff!

You're in big trouble now, pal.

Bailiff!

What is it, Nash?

You see that guy?

Yeah. So?

No, I mean look... look at him.

- [Thud] - Come closer. Look.

You see that guy? He's not on the jury.

This man is a prisoner.

[Gasps] I ought to throw you in the hole for that, Nash!

- The hole? - Yeah, the hole!

The hole, like... like in solitary, the hole...

like in real prison, like in real,

really, really, really, really, really real prison?

The hoosegow, the slammer, the joint,

Alcatraz, San Quentin, Sing Sing...

Oh, no, I... I'm in... I'm in...

jai-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I!

[Echoing] Jail!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Your honor, we have reached a decision.

[Stenograph clacking]

We find the defendant, Rubin Bartlett, not guilty.

[Spectators gasp]

Have you... carefully weighed the evidence?

[Man clears throat]

Yes, we have, your honor.

The defendant, found not guilty,

will return to the state penitentiary,

where he will complete his previous sentence.

[Gavel bangs]

Mm-hmm.

Good night.

[Crickets chirp]

[Sirens wailing]

[Tires squeal]

Let's go!

Ernest, we're late for work,

and Mr. P. Does not appreciate tardiness.

So, how'd it go, Mr. Juror?

[Wailing continues]

[Engine turns over]

Now, on to the real important question...

how did your date go?

Oh, we had a nice time.

Nice time?

Now, what's the deal with the hair?

[Chuckles] You bringing the wet look back?

I'm just trying something new.

Oh. Where's your, uh, where's your sky piece,

you know, your lid, your brown cap?

I never see you without that brown cap.

I must've lost it somewhere.

Bobby...

...there's something bad wrong here.

This guy...

This guy...

is in love... L-U-V!

Ernest is in love! Ha ha ha ha!

♪ Ernest and Charlotte, sittin' in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

♪ First comes love and then comes marriage ♪

♪ Then comes Ernest pushing a baby carriage ♪

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Engine turns off]

Chuck: Ernest, you're not gonna believe this,

but we have a new security system at the bank.

[Car door closes]

A bank? I work in a bank?

[Laughs]

Let's go!

[Dog barks in distance]

Man: Close "C" block.

Look, look, I tell you... I'm not this guy Nash.

If you're not Mr. Nash, how come you look like him?

Because he's obviously a very attractive criminal.

[Laughs] Yeah, that's right, too.

Lyle, tell him who I am.

Man: Hey, Mr. Nash, did he fall for it?

That's real funny, Mr. Nash.

Open up C-12.

[Door rattles]

Did you miss me, Mr. Nash?

Close it up.

You! You know I'm not Nash.

Of course you are...

Ernest.

[Sighs]

You've got nothing to worry about.

I'll make sure this thing plays

just the way we laid it out.

Just make sure everything stays in line on your end.

I've got another deal working here,

and there'll be a cut in it for you.

That idiot you switched me for

has a job in a bank.

I don't believe it.

Sometimes the cards just fall your way.

Yeah.

You just make sure nobody figures out that idiot isn't me.

Listen, little man,

you've pushed me as far as you're going to.

I've got some big things riding,

and if you know what's good for you,

you'll play ball.

O-Oh, great! What position?

[Chuckles] You do like we say,

or Lyle here will break your back...

- [Snaps fingers] - Like that.

[Snaps fingers]

Well, then he'll just have to break my back

like... like that thing you guys did.

Real men are not intimidated

by physical threats against their personal selves,

and ironically, neither am I.

What about violence against other people?

What do you mean?

I mean, while you're being Mr. Nash in here,

Mr. Nash is being you out there.

Yeah, he's living your life,

working at your job at the bank,

hanging out with your friends,

and if you don't behave,

he may have to get very strict

with someone you really care about.

Charlotte? No!

That your girl?

Well, sort of.

Well, she's gonna "sort of" be dead

if you don't play along.

You lay one finger on her, and I'll...

Hey, relax.

She'll be all right as long as you behave.

Okay, what do I have to do?

You've got to be Nash.

[Gulps]

Okay, Lyle, this guy Nash, he's a tough guy, right,

he's a gangster.

Okay, how about this?

[Imitating James Cagney] You dirty rat,

you're the guy that shot my brother,

and I'm the guy that's gonna shoot you.

[Imitating Walter Brennan] Y-You dirty rat,

y-you're the guy that, eh, eh, shot my brother,

and I'm the guy that's gonna shoot you...

every goddang one of you.

[Normal voice] Too old, huh?

[Imitating Sylvester Stallone] Hey, yo, Murdock,

you're the guy that shot my brother, right,

and I'm the guy that's gonna shoot you, eh?

All right.

[Imitating Humphrey Bogart] Of all the gin joints

in all the cities in all the world,

you've got to waltz into my place and shoot my brother.

Play it, Sam.

The piano will cover up the shot.

[Imitating Barry Fitzgerald] Why, you dirty rat,

you're the guy that shot my brother,

and I'm the guy that's gonna shoot you.

[Imitating Southern redneck] Why, you're the dirty, scum-suckin' pig dog

that shot my brother...

[Imitating James Mason] And I'm the man

who's going to destroy you...

[Gruff voice] 'Cause I'm just that kind of guy.

How 'bout that?

Hey, what are you doing here?

Uh, oh, I was just, uh...

Well, at least you're not in the vault.

What would I be doing in the vault?

Who knows why you're there every morning?

Yeah, right.

Well, how do I get in there, you suppose?

[Sighs] I don't know.

Hey, what's the matter with your voice? You sound different.

[Clears throat] Oh, I've got a little laryngitis.

Hmm, I'm sorry.

Hey, I wouldn't let Mr. Pendlesmythe

catch me in his chair if I were you,

and I'd get my feet off his desk

because you know how he feels about his famous golf trophy.

[Laughing] Yeah.

You know, by the way,

I had a real nice time the other night.

I think it was really good for me

to just get away from work and just have some fun.

Yeah, I had a nice time, too, baby.

[Laughing] "Baby"?

Ernest, sometimes you can be so weird.

Good morning, Miss Sparrow.

Good morning.

And what are we doing

behind the bank president's desk?

I was just gonna leave you a note.

About what?

About, um...

Uh, Ernest wants to formally apply

for that clerk's job.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Ha. I see... Ernest the clerk.

Hmm. What a great idea.

Well, now you don't have to leave a note, do you?

So get out from there!

What's the matter with your hair?

Is that some sort of punk thing, huh?

I was just trying something new.

Just look at you.

You are a poor excuse for a member of the human race.

You and that big nose and ugly face

have caused so much trouble around here,

I should be given a medal for tolerating you.

I would choose my words differently if I were you.

Oh? Should I use smaller ones?

How 'bout this?

No!

Now get out of my office, both of you!

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

Oh, I'm sorry, Ernest.

He promised he wasn't gonna do that.

Well... well, who cares what he thinks anyway?

I'm really proud of you for trying.

I mean, you're starting to take stock of yourself.

When you were in there talking to Mr. Pendlesmythe,

it was as if you were a whole different person.

What do you mean?

Well, I-I mean that I'm proud of you.

Ernest, do you have any idea

how long you've made me and Bobby wait in that van?

[Beeping]

7.5 minutes.

I want to tell you something about time.

My time is worth money,

and I don't think you make that kind of money

to pay me for my time.

Now, let's put the hammer down.

Okay, today will be your first test as Mr. Nash.

Don't worry, fellas,

you are talking to a consummate actor,

a brilliant interpreter of character and nuance,

a professional practitioner

in the style and method of the great Stradivarius.

Man: Bring the sheets back over in the corner.

Just pile them up.

Yeah, just throw 'em anywhere.

Man ♪2: Hey, Jesus, don't overstuff the machine again.

Man ♪3: Hey, Bill, we need more starch over here.

Man ♪4: All right, come on.

You got something on your shirt?

Ah heh heh heh heh.

[Steam sprays]

Today's the day, Nash. My boy's ready.

Not now, Vinny.

Mr. Nash doesn't have anything to prove.

Everybody's waiting.

You're not gonna chicken out now, are you?

I don't know the meaning of the word "chicken."

Man: If you lose this one, Nash,

we're gonna run things.

I know you've never lost, Nash... yet,

but my man Spider here is gonna change all that.

[Growls]

Okay?

- Go! - Grrr!

Ernest: Wait a minute!

I wasn't even ready! That's not fair!

Listen, where I come from, mister,

you're supposed to say, "Ready, set, go."

That's the official way, and I want a rematch.

Nash, you're a glutton for punishment.

You're in way over your head, man.

They're gonna figure you out.

He was just lucky. I can take this guy.

[Indistinct conversations]

Man: Okay, here we go.

Ready... set...

go!

[Grunting]

Come on, man! Come on, baby!

Come on, Spider!

Come on, baby!

Come on, Spider! Come on, man!

Right there, right there, right there!

[Grunting]

Come on, Spider. Come on, baby.

[Indistinct shouting]

Smoke?

Man: Aw, man!

That was close.

Next case.

Man, why don't you shut your mouth?

The real Mr. Nash don't say much.

Well, maybe he ought to, right?

I mean, after all, I'm just reaching for the character.

What do you know about the pain

an actor must go through...

You straighten up, or I'll show you pain,

and don't you forget

your loved ones on the outside.

[Brakes squeak]

Chuck: Ernest, Ernest, we're sorry.

Bobby didn't know the mace can was loaded.

Bobby, how many times do I have to tell you...

- [Barks] - Yuh! Get off me, you mutt!

Get out of here!

[Barking]

[Door squeaks, barking continues]

[Click]

[Motors whirring, bells jingling]

This is pathetic.

This guy's better off in jail.

[Horn honks]

Whoa! Ugh!

[Thud]

Ugh!

[Clicking]

[Bell dings]

[Chimes jingling]

[Click, whooshing]

Oof!

Eee!

[Footsteps]

I will effect my escape using a bar of soap,

a common, ordinary household spoon,

and a tin of shoe polish.

Thank goodness I paid attention in art class.

Don't worry, Charlotte, I'll save you.

Your hero is on his way.

[Raspy voice] Hey, screw!

Yeah, you!

Come here!

What now, Nash?

Open the door or I'll waste ya.

[Normal voice] Ah heh heh heh heh.

Assault rifle on a rope, the perfect gift

for the mercenary who has everything.

Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha.

Man: Shut up!

Chuck: Mr. P.!

Mr. P., could I have just one moment

of your time, sir, please?

I want to introduce you to our latest arsenal

in the war against crime.

Look...

Eh! Mr. P., it's very, very special.

Well... all right, but I'm late for dinner.

Great. You'll eat.

Just follow me, please, sir.

Okay, can I have you here, please? Thank you.

You won't be needing this. Let's... let's go.

Lets open up. Open up. Thank you.

Bobby...

Please.

[Beeping]

[Whoosh]

Mr. P., do you have that funny, little acidy taste

in the back of your throat... like that?

Uh-huh.

Can you taste it? Do you know what that is?

Unh-unh.

Fear.

That's what your common, class-X criminal

would be feeling at this moment

if he were in your situation.

- Oh. - Bobby...

it's only a simulation.

[Suction pops]

- [Electricity hums] - I don't think I'd touch those bars, Mr. P.,

unless you want 200,000 volts of electricity

jolting through your body.

Think about that.

[Humming stops]

Bobby...

[Snaps fingers]

[Beeping]

[Motor whirs]

[Briefcase clunking]

Mr. P., uh, have a nice dinner

and a... and a good nights sleep... sir.

Eh, he's had a real hard day.

Ernest: Don't worry, Charlotte,

I'll soon be flying into your arms

with my superior knowledge of mathematics and geometry.

The square root and angle of your lower hypotenuse

times the angle of your pi... and that sort of thing.

Let the countdown begin.

3... 2... 11/2...

1... 3/4...

zero... fire!

[Whoosh]

Whaaaaa!

[Thud]

[Whoosh]

[Broom clanks]

[Whoosh]

[Whoosh]

[Siren wails]

[Whooshing]

[Tapping]

[Whooshing, metal jingling]

[Paper crinkles]

[Whoosh]

[Snoring]

You see, casting is all in the wrist.

Its a sport of kings,

a game of inches.

[Whooshing]

[Metal jingles]

And as soon as your game fish takes the bait,

'tis important to give the line a sharp tug in order to set the hook,

and then quickly reel it in.

[Fabric tears]

Ha ha ha ha!

[Stomps]

Ah heh heh heh heh heh.

I was gonna throw it back, honest.

[Chain rattles, thud]

Nooo!

That ought to hold ya.

Don't you have anything in a pastel blue?

[Door opens]

Accessories are so important.

[Door closes]

- [Snaps fingers] - Accessories!

[Chain jingles]

The way they run this institution is an outrage

for a poor, tired, old, lonely woman like me,

her only son a felon,

though not a terribly successful one.

Young man...

Young man.

Young man, could you please open that gate?

I left my car running outside.

Ma'am, can you tell me how you got through this gate?

The visitors' area is on the other side of the prison.

I brought him up as best I could,

but sometimes a bad seed

falls from even the most fragile flower.

Ma'am, you're not going through this gate.

Is this the way you treat your mother?

Is this the kind of abuse

that poor woman must endure?

Well, I guess my mother is a little bit mad...

Mm-hmm. You ought to be in the slammer

with the rest of these misfits.

If you had any remorse at all for the horror

you put your own mother through,

you'd open that gate.

I have a car overheating as we speak.

Okay, okay!

Lets open the east gate!

There, now are you satisfied?

I'll tell your mother how her son has improved

despite his shaded and somewhat checkered past.

[Chain jingles, balls thud]

The doctor told me I'd only have to wear these

until after the surgery.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- [Thud] - Ernest, since you're part of the night family

here at the bank,

I'm gonna show you something new.

[Thud]

You see that?

That is only to be used during an officer-in-distress situation.

Do you understand?

Which, I might add,

we hope will be few and far between.

[Drawer slams]

What could happen in a quiet, little bank like this?

Eh... will you take the edge off, Bobby?

I mean... Hey, Bobby! If I was going by the book,

I wouldn't have said anything,

but its only Ernest!

Ha ha ha! He... Bobby!

Well, Mr. Nash, how's our special prisoner?

Just fine, thanks.

Of course, the place could be a little homier.

Maybe some curtains...

[Deep voice] I don't need nothin' from nobody.

I especially don't need nothin'

from no lousy screws.

Tough guy... right to the end, huh, Nash?

Just about 24 hours to go.

Well, yeah, what's it to you, warden?

Besides, I'll be getting out of here soon.

Yeah, you'll be getting out all right...

horizontally.

[Chuckles]

- Man: Close cellblock "C." - [Door rattles, thuds]

Did you hear that? I'll be getting out in 24 hours.

You just have to know how to talk to these people.

Don't worry, Rubin, I'll put in a good word for you, too.

Mr. P. Mr. P.

Can I talk... wait, wait.

Hey, can I... can I talk to you for just one second?

What is it now?

Let's go this way, please.

[Clears throat]

Mr. P., I want to talk to you about laser beams...

little bundles of light that can actually trigger

a high-tech, state-of-the-art security device.

Bobby... please.

[Beeping]

So?

What's the matter with it?

Pbht! Nothin'! That's the beauty of it.

Now, Mr. P., could I just have your attention this way, please, sir?

Please, Mr. P., come this way.

[Sighs]

- [Thud] - Ohh.

Oooh.

Space-age plastics at work for you, Mr. P.

Its invisible, tasteless, odorless, colorless.

And the best news yet, sir... its bulletproof.

Bobby, if you... please!

No!

[Gunshots]

[Laughs]

Uhhhh.

Uh, y...

It's got a few bugs there, Mr. P.,

but you get the basic idea, right?

[Mumbling]

Help me get this off of him.

Mr. P.'s a very rich and busy man.

[Bird chirping]

Ernest: 24 hours, Lyle.

I'm outta here in 24 hours, and, boy, am I ever glad.

This hasn't been a really bad experience, though.

I mean, the food's good,

and I met a lot of new friends.

But now I'm ready to go back to my job and my dog.

You know, I got a feeling

everything's gonna turn out all right from now on.

You know, Lyle, it's really good to be alive.

What's bothering him?

Ernest, I can't believe this.

This place is spotless.

I am so proud of you.

Has the value of pride diminished?

What?

Well, the last time you were proud of me,

I got a kiss.

Mr. Pendlesmythe: Ernest, I want to see you in my office.

[Exhales deeply]

Well, Ernest, you've made a drastic improvement

in your job performance.

And so I've decided to take Miss Sparrow's recommendation.

You'll be joining us working days as a bank clerk.

So, Ernest, do you have anything to say?

[Glass breaks]

Mr. Pendlesmythe: You idiot! You smashed my golf trophy!

Get out of here!

Gosh, Mr. Pendlesmythe,

does this mean I don't get the job?

"Don't get the job"? I may have you shot!

[Door slams]

Ernest...

Did you see his face?

You didn't do that on purpose?

He'll get over it.

Ernest, what has gotten into you?

Look, we got to talk.

Okay. How 'bout tonight?

But it'll have to be early.

Why? You have a lot to clean?

Yeah.

Tonight I'm gonna clean out the whole place.

Man: Open C-12.

Warden: Nash, your lawyer's got something to tell you.

I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Mr. Nash.

Our last appeal was turned down.

It was our final hope.

I'm afraid there's nothing more we can do.

Come on, Nash. Let's go.

Go? Go where?

You're going to the row.

The row? Well, what's that?

As in death. You know, death row.

Oh, well... death row?!

You mean like the chair? The hot seat?

Dead meat, deep six, it's over, pal,

you're outta here, bub,

the groundhogs are bringing your mail,

you're picking turnips with a stepladder,

like the no-tomorrow row, that kind of row?

Oh, no. The row?! Uh, but, uh...

You've got to tell them who I am, fellas.

I'm Ernest P. Worrell. I'm not Nash.

I'm Ernest.

Zip it up, Nash. Get him outta here.

Warden, you're gonna feel terrible

when you find out what a big mistake you made.

And, you, pal, you're not getting any more of my business.

I'm not Nash, I tell you. I'm Ernest.

- [Laughs] - I'm Ernest P. Worrell.

Close "C" block.

- [Knock on door] - Come in.

♪ Two hearts racing toward love... ♪

♪ Two lips trembling... ♪

[Sighs] Ernest, this wasn't what I expected.

Its, um, I-it's different.

Have a drink.

Oh. Okay, sure. Why not?

Uh, sit down. Make yourself more comfortable.

♪ ... Burning in the night... ♪

A toast... to the successful completion

of all of tonight's endeavors.

To a long and happy life. [Laughs uncomfortably]

I'm up for that.

Um, Ernest, I-I didn't come here to have...

I was... just wanted to speak to you

about what happened at the bank today.

We can talk later.

Ernest.

Ernest, stop it!

What has gotten into you?!

- Stop it! - [Growls]

Get off me!

[Barks, growls]

Get away from me, you mangy little mutt!

You are slimers, P. Worrell!

[Growling]

[Door closes]

Here, you little rat ball.

[Engine turns over]

[Growling]

[Barking]

[Sighs] So it's come to this.

A pointless, miserable end to a shallow, meaningless life.

But it's as it should be.

It's the hand I've been dealt,

and I have to play it as it lays.

Oh, I'm not going to cry

because life's thrown me a curve.

I'm... I'm not going to whine because I got mashed potatoes

when French fries is what I really wanted.

It's time for me to... step up to the plate,

belly up to the bar!

It's time for me to look fate square in the eye,

flare my nostrils, breathe life's last breath!

It's time for me to lie down with lions

so I can soar with the eagles!

All right!

I'm ready!

Come and get me!

Let's do it!

Come on, Nash. Its time.

[Crying] I don't wanna die.

[Sobbing]

[Indistinct talking]

[Ernest whimpering]

[Dramatic music plays]

Is it fixed yet?

No.

Would you like a cigarette

or a blindfold or something?

No, I'm afraid of the dark, and cigarettes will kill you.

Maybe a few last words.

Nash, take it like a man.

But I'm not Nash. I'm Ernest.

"And what is an Ernest?" You might ask.

A man with a past rich in both history and tradition.

Should we punish this man for crimes he did not commit?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Can't you speed things up?

Okay, okay.

Such a man should be set... free.

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Silence]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Silence]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Silence]

Oh!

[Electricity crackling, metal rattling]

Hit the alarm!

Run for it!

[Alarm ringing]

Let's go!

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Ringing continues]

What's wrong with the door?!

Whoa!

Thanks, Nash!

[Indistinct talking]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

Man: There's been a breach in security.

All guards to your emergency stations.

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

Hey, what's going on here?!

All prisoners, return to your cells.

Return to your...

Let's go, Lyle.

Get outta my way!

There he is!

Stop him! Fire!

All: Aaahhhhh!

Come on! Get outta here!

Come on! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

Cut him down now!

It worked before. [Grunting]

All: Aaahh!

Ahh!

Diii-ha!

Yihaw! Yihaw!

Yiiiihaww! Yihaw!

Ahh!

Open sesame.

[Explosion]

Not so fast.

You better watch out, Rubin.

I'll zot you.

You're a dead man, Worrell.

Very well. You asked for it.

After all, I am Ernest P. Worrell, Electroman.

[Electricity fizzles]

[Fizzling]

[Metals clink]

[Laughs nervously]

Did I ever tell you

that you have a really classic Greek profile?

Shut up.

Let him go.

Lyle, you talk. That's great.

Have you flipped? Come on.

We got to get rid of this guy before he blows the whole thing.

No, he's different than us.

Shut up and get out of my way.

You better go.

Mr. Nash is probably robbing the bank right now.

Nash?

Well, come with me.

I don't belong out there.

I got a place in here.

Well, I'm gonna miss you, good buddy.

Ernest, things won't be the same without you,

you know what I mean?

If anybody does...

So long, Lyle! I'll send you a cake!

There he is!

[Indistinct yelling]

Come on!

All right! We got ya!

Come on, Lyle. Back inside.

Don't let him get away.

Get the dogs! Come on!

Move it!

Nobody has ever escaped from this facility

since I've been warden,

and they're not gonna start now.

All right, let's go, men.

Consider the prisoner extremely dangerous.

What are you doing now, Ernest?

That's it.

Is everyone who works here a moron?

Can't you see what I'm doing?

I'm robbing the bank.

I'm gonna blow the safe, take the money, and leave.

I'm robbing the bank.

I'm stealing the money that you are paid to protect.

I'm robbing the bank.

[Laughs] Ppbbhhtt!

[Chuckles]

[Laughing and wheezing]

[Chuckling]

- [Thud] - [Laughing]

[Thud]

[Chuckles]

[Gasps]

I've been vandalized...

by Elvis.

I can't believe it! I can't believe it!

First Ernest and now this!

[Exhales deeply] I am acting like the victim again.

I need to tell Ernest exactly how I feel,

and I need to do it right now while I'm still mad!

Ah.

- [Flicks finger] - That's better.

[Whistling]

Rimshot. Rimshot. Here, boy.

[Whistling]

Rimshot? Rimshot.

[Whistling] Rimshot?

[Rimshot barking]

Rimshot?

[Barking continues]

[Whistles] Rimshot?

Rimshot.

Rimshot!

How did you get in there?

What kind of a person would throw away a perfectly good dog?

- [Barking] - Come on, Rimshot. Let's go.

[Dogs barking]

[Sirens wailing]

Don't you worry about your diet, chubby.

As soon as I set this fuse,

you're gonna lose all that weight.

[Dialing telephone]

Mr. Pendlesmythe, its Charlotte.

I-I know you won't believe this,

but it looks like Ernest is robbing the bank.

I know, but I am here right now.

[Barking]

[Sirens wailing]

Look, I don't know what's gotten into you,

but you can't go through with this!

Ernest! Ernest!

Look...

I am not this Ernest guy.

I just happen to look like him.

I switched with him, you get it?

You what?

Look, would the real Ernest

have been able to knock out Chuck

or set a time bomb without it going off in his face?

And look at the floors.

Did you notice how clean they've been lately?

You are an imposter.

What did you do with the real Ernest?

Where is he?

He's dead by now.

What do you mean he's dead?

I don't believe you! What have you done with him?!

I haven't done anything with him.

Your dedicated public servants down in the state pen

put him in the chair hours ago.

Well, I'll be seeing you, sweetheart.

Or rather, I'll be seeing parts of you.

Ha ha ha ha.

Parts of you... ha ha ha ha ha!

[Door slams]

[Beeping]

[Sirens wailing]

[Barking]

Shh. Rimshot, don't say a word.

[Barking]

Uh... uh.

Charlie!

[Barking]

Ow!

Chuck: That's it. Get him in position.

Ow! Chuck!

Ow!

What's gotten into you, Chuck? It's me! Ow!

You sure have a funny way of saying hello.

Do you think I'd let you get near me

after what you did to Ernest...

one of the sweetest, kindest men who ever lived?

[Sirens wailing]

Gosh, Charlotte, I-I'm touched.

[Sirens wailing, dogs barking]

Okay, now, listen to me.

When I give the signal,

I want you to hit him with everything we've got.

What?

Sir, we got civilians in there.

Worrell.

Nash.

[Shrieking]

Now, Nash, this is Warden Carmichael. Now, we've got you surrounded.

Come on out with your hands up.

Nash, let the hostages go.

Looks like I got myself another hostage.

Too bad. I thought you were dead.

Not yet.

So... it comes to this.

Man to man, mano a mano,

toe to toe, nose to nose,

shirts and skins, eggs over medium.

Be careful, Ernest!

Ohh!

Chuck: He should've ducked.

Here, let me help you up.

I want to show you your new desk.

Stop it!

- Get up. - Chuck: Yeah, stop it!

I can't believe I was fooled by that man.

I sensed it immediately.

- [Thud] - [Chuckles]

Freeze, punk.

Make your play.

Chuck: All right, Bobby! Burn him!

[Groaning]

What are you waiting for?! Burn him!

[Gunshot]

[Barking]

Bobby!

Bobby!

The gun!

[Barking]

[Barking]

Get away from there.

[Beeping]

Nash: Give me that gun or I'll rip your lungs out.

Give it here!

Chuck: Bobby, go to plan 12!

Let go!

Let go.

Ohhh.

Warden: You haven't got a prayer, Nash.

You're completely surrounded. Give it up.

Chuck: Bobby!

What do you want me to do now?

Deploy them around to the back.

Okay, second team, let's move.

You heard him! Let's go!

Toast time.

[Electricity crackling]

[Laughing]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Thud]

[Whimpers]

It looks like one way or another,

this was just his night to fry.

[Laughing]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

[Whimpers]

[Electricity crackling, Ernest babbling]

I'm floating.

I'm lighter than air.

What's happening to me?

He's polarized. He... he's weightless.

Gravity's lost its grip.

I'll show you polarized.

Ahhhhhhhh!

- Time to put your butt on spin cycle. - Ahhhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Right down the middle.

[Thud]

[Wind whistling]

[Barks]

Ahhhhh!

Ahhhhhhh! Oh, no! No! No! No!

- Ugh! - [Thud]

- Ugh! - [Thud]

Chuck! Bob...! Chuck! Bob...!

- Stop it! - Doh!

Uhhhhh!

- [Thud] - Oh!

Uhhhhh!

[Thud]

[Creaking]

Oh!

[Thud]

Oh!

[Thud]

Ow!

[Thud]

Oh!

[Thud]

Nash: To the moon, bozo!

Leave him alone!

Uh!

Chuck: Ernest, you're in control!

That's it!

Nash, listen to me. Let the hostages go.

Yeah, right, warden. This'll take care of him.

Ernest, incoming.

3:00. Maybe 2:30.

50... 3/4...

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Ahhhhhhh!

[Splat]

Wa-ahhhhhhhh!

Get this thing off of me.

Watch out, Ernest! He's getting up!

Aaaahhhhhh!

Chuck: Ernest, grab the lamp!

Be careful. Those lamps are expensive.

[Cracking]

Go back to plan "B."

[Gasps]

I'm gonna kill him.

Ahh!

[Glass shatters]

Huh?

W-What's going on in there?

Get your head down! Who is this guy?

It's my bank.

Peter Pan, eat your heart out.

[Humming]

Here. Have a seat.

Ahhhhhh!

[Thud]

[Machine whirring]

Ugh!

Ahhhhhhhhh!

[Thud]

Ernest: Let go of me!

Pull on it!

Pull on it! Chuck!

I am.

My wrist is beginning to chafe.

Ernest!

Stop this thing! Somebody, stop...

Nash: Come on, get me off of this thing!

Hey, Nash, you'll never get him now. [Laughing]

Please be sure that your seat backs and tray tables

are in their full, upright, and locked positions before landing.

Let me off of this thing!

Thanks for shopping with us. Ah heh heh heh heh.

No, don't touch that button.

No!

Aaaahhhhh!

[Crash]

All right!

E-e-e-e-e-w.

15 seconds, Chuck!

[Shrieking]

Bobby, unlock me!

Ernest, the bomb!

I'm coming.

Don't worry, Charlotte. I'll save you.

Give me that.

Up, up, and away-y-y-y-y-y!

[Glass shatters]

He's getting away.

[Wind whistling]

- [Explosion] - Whoa!

Wow!

[Crying] Oh... my buddy's gone.

[Whimpers]

He's been here all right.

I recognize his work.

Ernest saved us, Mr. Pendlesmythe.

He saved your stupid bank and all your stupid money.

Ernest wasn't a thief. He was a hero.

[Indistinct talking]

Well, maybe you're right.

Stick a sock in it.

Unh.

Put 'em down, boys. Nice and easy.

And all of you, move over there. Come on, move.

Nash...

you'll never get away with this.

Oh, yeah, warden? I think so.

She's my ticket outta here. Come over here, sweetie.

Ahhhhhhh!

[Thud]

Uhhhh. Uh-oh.

Ernest, you're alive.

[Rimshot barking]

[Coughing]

I came. I saw.

I got blowed up.

[Thud]

[Imitating Humphrey Bogart] Play it, Sam.

The piano will cover up the shot.

♪ Don't make me climb the coconut tree ♪

♪ That would be a catastrophe ♪

♪ I would not make it halfway, you see ♪

♪ I'm wearing the wrong kind of shoes ♪

♪ Don't make me climb the coconut tree ♪

♪ I think I owe you an apology ♪

♪ But ask anyone who grew up with me ♪

♪ I'm not one to easily bruise ♪

♪ Don't make me climb ♪

♪ No, don't make me climb ♪

♪ Don't make me climb ♪

♪ These aren't my tree-climbing shoes ♪

Hey, man, if I had known you were back, man,

I wouldn't have worn my wingtips.

Look, there's no tread left on these.

See? Look.

You can't eat those coconuts anyway, man.

Monkeys have been up there.

Eh, put that down! Put that down!

Don't! Don't push, man. Don't make me climb.

♪ No, please don't make me climb ♪

♪ No, don't make me climb ♪

♪ These aren't my tree-climbing shoes ♪

♪ Ah, don't make me climb ♪

♪ No, don't make me climb ♪

♪ Don't make me climb ♪

♪ These aren't my tree-climbing shoes ♪

Wha...

[Music continues]