Original subtitles

(MAD ABOUT THE BOY PLAYING)

♪ I'm mad about the boy

♪ I know it's stupid to be mad

♪ About the boy

♪ I'm so ashamed of it

♪ But must admit the sleepless nights I've had

♪ About the boy

♪ On the silver screen

♪ He melts my foolish heart in every single scene

♪ Although I'm quite aware

♪ That here and there are traces of the cad

♪ About the boy

♪ Lord knows I'm not a fool girl

♪ I really shouldn't care

♪ Lord knows I'm not a schoolgirl

♪ In the flurry of her first

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ Affair

♪ Will it ever cloy

♪ This odd diversity of misery and joy

♪ I'm feeling quite insane and young again

♪ And all because I'm mad about the boy

♪ I'm feeling quite insane and young again

♪ And all because

♪ I'm mad

♪ About the boy ♪

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

HILDA: She's the first lady racer?

But she didn't actually win.

She crossed the line first. It's so exciting.

Not nearly as exciting as crossing your mother.

Oh! I think we can all ignore that.

Oh, what is that man doing?

Jackson!

JACKSON: Madam? MRS. WHITTAKER: What did I tell you?

Get the camellias out of the rain

and put them by the front door before the guests arrive.

Furber. FURBER: Madam?

Salvage any of Jackson's appalling pruning and send it to Mrs. Holborough,

who's kindly offered up a leg of mutton for tonight's dinner.

Which you'll go and fetch, Marion.

But, Mother, Reverend Burton has asked me to drain the font.

My hands are clearly full.

I'll go.

(DOG BARKING)

Uncle George has posted

the most grisly clippings of the Valentine's Day Massacre!

Hilda. HILDA: Seven terrified men

cut down in a hail of automatic gunfire!

Made worse by the strays that came to lap the curdled blood.

(SIGHS) Hilda!

The Devil Dogs! The Hounds of Hell!

The leg of lamb!

Now.

Why we try and marry her off to gentry, when plainly she'd prefer an undertaker.

Seating.

I'm putting Sarah on your left and Phillip on your right,

so please try and make an effort to be civil.

Right.

I shall go and brush up on my very small talk.

MARION: It might be an awkward meal.

For all we know, Sarah's grazing in greener pastures.

(LAUGHS)

Whilst your brother sows his wild oats in the South of France with his floozy.

No. We'll keep the home fires burning until his highness wanders home.

Like Father did.

Yes, like Father did.

(GRUNTING)

I've got news, everybody!

You all right, sir?

No. Are you?

Coping, sir.

Hear, hear. Well done.

Well done. They look like they're waiting for a firing squad.

Can't you make them more relaxed?

Last meal and a cigarette, perhaps?

I can't believe it. You'll never guess.

Houdini escaped the Chinese water torture, only to die of a burst appendix.

How ghastly!

Oh, and Mother's got a telegram.

"Mr. And Mrs. Whittaker." Your mother.

What's it say, Father?

Perhaps your mother should read this first.

(MRS. WHITTAKER GROANING)

That stupid, stupid, stupid boy!

What's happened? HILDA: Has there been an accident?

(STAMMERS) It's John, he's married that...

Francophile?

(CONTINUES STAMMERING)

Photographer?

Pharmacist?

And why are you smirking?

Deploying a smile, dear. One member of this family may actually be happy.

Don't be absurd. We don't know anything about this woman.

(SIGHS) Furber!

Furber!

(RIPPING) (GASPS) Oh, not again!

FURBER: Madam.

(CHUCKLING) Lord have mercy.

Mr. John is coming home with his... With his wife.

Yes. Their bags have just arrived. Congratulations, madam.

I'll be the judge of that. You can clear up this mess

and get Cook to send up a ham.

This was sent from Dover. They'll be halfway here.

Yes, chop chop, Furber. Go and dress the mutton as ham.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Very sharp, Jim. Don't cut yourself.

HILDA: John married the floozy. How exciting!

♪ A room with a view and you

♪ And no one to worry us

♪ This dream we found ♪

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

There she blows. Behold the country cottage.

Oh, Lord. It's enormous.

So I lied about gingerbread hedges and obese little children.

How hard to swim is the moat?

Smoke and mirrors, darling. Smoke and mirrors.

By the by, smoking, don't. Apparently, it wilts the azaleas.

That makes no sense. Speak English.

All will be revealed, darling.

(EXCLAIMS)

LARITA: Oh, give me back the wheel of my car. I'm going back to Detroit.

(GASPS)

How romantic! Here they come! Oh! Furber!

Mr. John and his wife are about to arrive.

I can't see them.

Your tunnel vision.

(EXCLAIMS)

Smile, Marion. I don't feel like smiling.

You're English, dear. Fake it.

(DOG BARKING)

MR. WHITTAKER: The prodigal son returns in a blaze of gravel.

Father! You shaved.

Hilda. FURBER: Welcome, madam.

JOHN: Hilda, you do look gorgeous.

(LAUGHING)

It's so lovely to see you.

(LAUGHING)

Oh! Darling. Sorry, sorry.

Mother, this is my wife, Larita.

Mrs. Whittaker, the pleasure is all mine.

You're American.

MR. WHITTAKER: And very welcome.

Jim Whittaker. JOHN: Lari, this is my father.

I fought alongside many of your countrymen, Larita,

and I must say it's an honor to have a comrade in the family.

Thank you. I do hope I'm not a disappointment.

Far from it. And my two little blisters.

Hilda and Marion.

Aren't you the woman who won the Grand Prix?

Yes. First place, before disqualification.

Apparently, you need chest hair to change gears in Monaco.

(HILDA AND MARION CHUCKLING)

I saw you in the paper. I cut your head out. I could just die!

(HILDA AND MARION CHUCKLING)

Furber, that suitcase to the drawing room and do be careful.

Marion. Golly, you're not a bit like what we imagined.

Someone older, I expect. Awfully sorry about that.

MR. WHITTAKER: Before the frostbite sets in...

Yes. I'm so looking forward to getting acquainted with the mother of my Panda.

You'll find me quite uncomplicated, I'm afraid.

Oh! What are you doing?

Carrying you over the finish line.

Oh!

Venus de Milo, meet my Venus Detroit.

Hello.

Mother's turned our old nursery into a boudoir.

I wouldn't exactly call it a boudoir, Hilda.

Marvelous. All those grubby memories of Little Johnny.

MARION: We didn't even have time to raid the hothouse.

I only hope we can make you comfortable.

Please, don't go to any trouble. We're only staying a few days.

Aren't we, Johnny? Of course.

And for our next surprise...

(LAUGHS)

What on earth is that?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

His Master's Voice! A wedding gift from us to you all.

HILDA: How divine! You should have got married years ago!

(SINGING ALONG TO MUSIC) ♪ Another bride, another June

♪ Another sunny honeymoon

♪ Another season, another reason

(HILDA LAUGHING)

JOHN: Come on, little blister. Twirl for me.

(LARITA SPEAKING FRENCH)

I see you're connoisseurs of the great masters

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yes we avoid them at all costs

Oh! A continental education. Not all of us have been so fortunate.

Yes. What an emotional depiction of the French postal service, Mrs. Whittaker.

Come now, Lari. Not "Mrs. Whittaker. " It's "Mother" now.

Oh, I don't think we're quite ready for that yet, darling.

Well, since time is so clearly against us,

why don't you show Larita up to the nursery?

Dinner's at 8:00.

(DOG BARKING)

You didn't tell them?

One bombshell at a time, darling.

That's not fair! Your poor mother.

How long are we staying?

A few days?

I shoulder the shortcomings of this family for generations

and what do I get in return? A few days. And look at her.

What am I supposed to do with the bauble of a woman?

Hang her? I think she's splendid.

Oh, do you, Hilda? Well, we can all relax.

She's not what I expected.

MRS. WHITTAKER: She's exactly what I expected.

Surely not exactly? She wasn't drunk.

Very funny, Jim. Reduce this to the burlesque.

She looks so expensive!

MRS. WHITTAKER: Very.

I like her. Yes, Jim.

We all know what you like.

Mother!

Hmm. We have all been sent to our wombs.

And so toasty.

Economics in action.

She keeps half the house closed to save on heating.

(SHUDDERS)

Well, that explains the frosty reception.

Well, darling. Let me warm you up.

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(JOHN AND LARITA LAUGHING)

Well?

She's lovely, John. I'm very proud of you.

Thanks, Father.

MRS. WHITTAKER: John.

How long is a few days?

Mother, Larita and I would like to find a home in London.

But this is your home.

A home of their own.

But...

But, Panda, we need you here.

Since you went off on your quick jaunt around the Riviera,

we've had to let go of six more people.

Mother, if you'd just listened to me and taken on some machinery...

Wouldn't that be a good idea? I could run the entire estate single-handedly.

Congratulations on your insight and your spontaneity.

Sarah and Phillip are coming to dinner tonight,

and I have got a table plan that will take the League of Nations to unravel.

Tonight? That's absolutely splendid!

Don't be so fickle in your affections, John.

Sarah might not be as accommodating as you expect.

Codswallop. She'll be delighted.

If Mother was so desperate for her hand in marriage,

she should have asked for it herself.

Strange as it may seem, I agree with your sister.

I think you're wrong.

On certain things, yes.

Call her.

Really? Really.

Really!

If Edgar were here, he'd do the manly thing.

What? Run away?

(GASPS) Here they come!

And the checkered flag goes to...

Fast work, John.

JOHN: I should have written you, Sarah,

but it all happened so fast, I didn't know where I was.

In Larita's arms, it seems.

Please don't be disappointed.

Of course I'm disappointed,

but tell me you're happy, and I'll tell you you're forgiven.

You're the top. You're Mahatma Gandhi. You're the top.

(GROANS) Panda, don't break out the brandy just yet.

To hell we're not.

Have I missed something?

(SIGHS) Let sleeping cows stand.

Oh, you plonker!

Rule one, push sleeping cow.

Rule two, get out of the way.

Rule three, remember rule two.

Sarah! It's so lovely to see you.

I hear your poor father is not having a good day.

I'm afraid not. He sends his love.

(WHISPERING) You are a jolly good sport, turning up like this. That's all I can say.

I wouldn't miss it for the world. Larita is such a pretty name.

Yes. Excellent for musical comedy.

Hilda! Phillip,

I hear the cow is in a terrible way. I've sent flowers.

And did she eat them? PHILLIP: Touche!

Good evening to you all.

Nobody told me tonight was fancy dress!

Then why have you come as the village idiot?

(MARION LAUGHS)

(RIPPING)

HILDA: I think I'm snagged.

LARITA: Let me help you with that.

Holy mother!

Panda?

You're forgiven, tenfold.

Sarah Hurst, I'd like to introduce my wife,

Larita Whittaker.

Gosh, I do like the sound of that.

Sarah, finally.

Johnny talks about you constantly.

How very annoying for you.

I hope we can be friends.

We already are. Congratulations.

And I'd like to be friends, too.

Larita, my tiresome brother...

JOHN: The dishonorable Phillip Hurst.

PHILLIP: Charmed, my dear lady. LARITA: Indeed.

Phillip, won't you escort me in?

Of course, my beautiful little Sausage Fingers.

Well, that's whet my appetite. Shall we adjourn to the dining room?

And toast my beautiful bride.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Yes, John.

Had we known there was to be a wedding reception,

we could have all lashed out on taffeta.

She's a lot like drowning, quite pleasant once you stop struggling.

MRS. WHITTAKER: So, tell me, John. Was Larita's family able to attend the wedding?

(BANGING)

(PHILLIP GROANING) SARAH: Phillip!

(ALL LAUGHING)

More cabbage, madam? No, thank you.

There's lots to do, Larita. You ride, don't you?

Boats, cars or planes?

No, horses, silly.

LARITA: Ah, yes, horses.

Faulty steering and unreliable brakes.

(LAUGHING)

I'm stealing that for Stirrup Cup!

Stirrup what? Cup.

Every November, Phillip and Sarah's family host the hunt.

Wait till you meet their father, Lord Hurst. He's terrific.

And Lady Hurst?

PHILLIP: Was terrific until she

stopped.

Stopped what? Living.

Oh. I'm very sorry to hear that.

Between Father's polio and Phillip's mania for tipping cows...

(DOG BARKING) Can we please just drop the cows?

I think we'll give the fox a break this year.

MARION: No hunt?

Mrs. Winston gave me her saddle. I've had a wax.

(PHILLIP COUGHING)

Your father and I conspired to make John the master of the hunt.

People come from far and wide. It's such a shame to disappoint them.

Very thoughtful, Mother.

MRS. WHITTAKER: You do hunt, I take it, Larita?

Hypocrites, gossips or defenseless animals?

PHILLIP: Bravo!

JOHN: You wouldn't get her to the start, I'm afraid.

We have another conscientious objector, Father.

Company!

Do you object to the circus or the slaughter, Major?

I support Sheppard's position on pacifism.

LARITA: Good for you.

So, when does the carnage begin?

After the War Widows' Revue, but before the craft fair,

in between the dog show and the shoot.

And don't forget the highlight.

Mother's Christmas dance is the hot ticket of the season.

She's ordered the most exquisite Japanese lanterns.

From Japan?

No, Fortnum & Mason's.

Yes. Prepare for a whirlwind, Larita.

(EXHALING) I'm breathless already.

LARITA: I won't make it to Christmas. JOHN: You won't need to.

I won't make it to breakfast. What were we just eating?

The lumpy gray and beige concoction?

Yes. That's the word I was looking for, "greige."

Absolutely no idea, but it is the specialty of the house.

Incoming! Have you met my namesake? He's very good in bed.

(SHUSHING) They'll hear you.

I don't care. I do.

(SIGHING)

Look, I know we need the heat, but please don't smoke in here.

Mother's clairvoyant about these things.

(SIGHS) She loathes me, Johnny.

I'm a gold-digger burrowing in from the land of opportunists.

Your father's an interesting study, though.

Quietly sardonic. I like that in a man.

A fact that won't earn you many brownie points under this roof.

After the armistice, Father didn't come straight home.

He caroused around France and Italy, drinking, having affairs.

A lot of men did similar. Couldn't settle down.

Why didn't she go after him?

A question of pride.

He finally just wandered home.

It's still a bit of a sore point. We try not to speak about it,

except in public.

You see, she feels she's missed out on something.

Which means, of course, she's missed out on everything.

Exactly. The war robbed her of all her expectations.

She takes one look at a woman like you...

The harlot stealing into the nursery...

The delicious concubine

with the delectable ears,

nose,

neck.

I could just eat you.

After that meal, I'm not surprised.

(MAD ABOUT THE BOY PLAYING)

♪ I'm mad about the boy ♪

(SIGHS)

(LARITA MOANS PASSIONATELY)

HILDA: Dear Lord, thank you for bringing John and his floozy home safely.

LARITA: John.

Why is Larita always so late?

You can't hurry perfection.

Edgar was never late for a meal.

JOHN: Well, he's missed a few lately.

LARITA: (SIGHING) Good morning. How are we all on this glorious day?

JOHN: There she is.

Morning, darling.

What would Madam like for breakfast?

I think Madam will get more sustenance from a kipper.

But it won't be as much fun.

Aren't you riding with us?

Darling, I think it's about high time

that your mother and I have an intimate tete-a-tete.

Just us girls.

Lovely. JOHN: Mmm. What a frightening thought.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Two hemispheres under one roof.

Papua New Guinea, India, the Argentine.

I may not have traveled, but the world has come to me.

(SNEEZES)

Are you coming down with something?

Pollen, but if I hold my breath long enough...

How peculiar.

Which is why we should get to know one another.

Where does one start?

Shall I make headway?

I was born in Detroit. My father worked in the steel plant.

He was one of the first lured over to Henry Ford.

Ah. Hence the love of motoring?

Yes, but I also love animals.

I am a city girl. I take chickens to the vet.

(LAUGHS)

You can't be squeamish about livestock now that you are living in the country.

Which was never my intention.

I was happily carving out a niche for myself on the race circuit,

when I was unexpectedly flagged down by someone irresistible.

Remarrying was the farthest thing from my mind.

(SNEEZES)

I see.

May I ask...

Dead, unfortunately. No children.

Oh.

How disappointing for you.

Still, he provided well, though?

Yes, yes, but there were a lot of hidden costs associated with his passing.

That beautiful motorcar. Surely you must have independent means?

Mrs. Whittaker, I'm more than happy to discuss my means,

but I think you'll be a tad disappointed.

The car is my sole source of income,

which makes living in London an imperative.

But what will John do in the city?

Work. It's not uncommon.

(LAUGHS)

John was brought up in the country, Larita.

Where will he work?

Chalk Farm, perhaps? Or St. Martin's-in-the-Fields?

I know this is not perfect, so that's why I'm asking for your guidance.

So, please, how can I make this pleasant for everybody?

Well, wartime experience dictates that you keep your head down

and you fit in as well as you can.

Oh, there's a war on? Oh, no.

Not necessarily.

Australian mimosa.

Mmm. Beautiful.

(SNEEZES) Oh!

(EXHALES)

And then the British troops opened fire.

How grisly!

How'd it go, Mother?

Oh, marvelous!

Marvelous.

(LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I fear storm clouds are gathering, Mrs. Whit.

Stop being maudlin, Father. It's the future.

JOHN: Spanner!

Father, allow me to introduce Panda's new chauffeuse,

lovely la-la-Larita.

JOHN: Watch it, Phillip.

My son is prone to fabrication, but I can see on this occasion

he has been perfectly frank, Mrs. Whittaker.

Yes, that's right. There are two of us now.

PHILLIP: No shortage of wits around here anymore.

Okay, stand back! I give you the future!

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

LORD HURST: All right, John. You can take my baby out for a spin.

(SNEEZES)

(LAUGHS)

Allergies. She inflates like a puffer fish.

You just want to squeeze her until she pops.

(CAR WASH PLAYING)

(CONTINUES SNEEZING)

♪ You might not ever strike it rich

♪ But, let me tell you, it's better than digging a ditch

(SNEEZING)

♪ Working at the car wash, yeah

♪ Come on, now, sing it with me

X It's better than digging a ditch X

(BELL RINGING)

The missus is a bit trigger-happy this week.

Bleeding tinnitus is killing me.

Well, I like the new Mrs. Whit. Reminds me of the old one before the war.

Only more reasonable. You can tell she's run her own household.

(BELL CONTINUES RINGING)

(SIGHS) Be silent.

Good morning, Furber, Jackson, Millie and...

Cook, I can't call you a verb. Your name?

Beatrice.

All right, all right, it's Doris. Sorry, madam.

Always wanted to be called Beatrice.

Well, Beatrice, would you mind if I helped myself in the mornings?

I fear I shall be rising later and later.

Well, if it pleases, Mrs. Whit...

(DOG BARKS)

The point of the bell?

When I ring it, you come to me. Not the other way round.

Larita. May I have a word? Mmm.

Come along.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Would you please refrain from chatting to the staff?

It's chore enough trying to keep this motley crew together.

I had a brilliant French maid in Paris. Perhaps I should send for her?

Thank you, no.

I'd prefer to keep English the first language in this household.

Oh.

Ah, there you are.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) I say. Anyone for tennis?

Yes. You!

John, Shackleton wouldn't let a dog out today.

The fog has lifted and Whittakers don't do winter.

You go ahead, darling. I'll play with myself.

No, really. I'm a lot of fun.

Ooh...

PHILLIP: John! It's brass monkeys out here.

(SLAPS JOHN'S BOTTOM) Oh!

Day one of the Antarctic Open. Mister Whittaker to serve.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

PHILLIP: Hole in one! Deuce.

PHILLIP: I see your pair of deuces, and I raise you a tenner.

The Titanic could have hit that.

Sarah, you're an embarrassment to the Hurst family name.

I'm going to have you killed.

(GRUNTS)

Good God! What's wrong with you? No! Stop now!

You must stop! Everybody, listen!

SARAH: Shoot the court jester!

(HILDA LAUGHING) PHILLIP: Enough!

JOHN: Nice backhand.

PHILLIP: Was that a backhand compliment?

(MAD DOGS AND ENGLISHMEN PLAYING)

♪ Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-day sun

♪ The Japanese don't care to, the Chinese wouldn't dare to

♪ Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from 12: 00 to 1: 00

♪ But Englishmen detest a siesta ♪

PHILLIP: Laurel and Hardy step up to the crease.

The fillies are lining up.

Miss Hilda Whittaker looking most fetching in her feedbag and bridle.

One woman's heaven...

She's absolutely beautiful.

Broken, tarnished and completely useless,

thing's guaranteed to keep my wife at bay.

May I?

If you don't mind getting your hands dirty.

In Detroit, what we lack in dirt, we make up for in filth.

Your first husband from that neck of the woods?

Oh, well. Word gets about.

Where is he now?

Dead.

Cancer.

He was a fair bit older than me.

I spent a while playing the un-merry widow, but the black wore thin.

You didn't care for him, I gather?

Oh, I cared too much.

Life was just such an unpleasant experience for the man, I...

I'd be a liar to say I wasn't glad when he was relieved of it.

(MR. WHITTAKER SPEAKING FRENCH)

God is a comedian playing to an audience

too afraid to laugh

When were you last in France?

Just after the war.

On a personal reconnaissance, trying to ascertain

what exactly all those fine young men had died for.

Apparently, I'm of the romantic Lost Generation.

What did you lose?

I'm not sure.

(SQUEAKING)

(DOG BARKING)

Hello, hello.

Who is the tiny tank?

Who's a pretty little cheeky chorizo?

On bended knees, please come and play with me.

Johnny, dear, you know how much I love you,

so please, try to take this in the best possible light.

I'm getting a machine gun and mowing down your entire family.

Mmm. Well, that's fairly disappointing.

I thought at least you and Father were getting along.

Hmm. Yes, I might spare the menfolk.

But it's awfully dispiriting. We have absolutely no privacy here.

I never needed any privacy before. This is my home.

Well, it's not mine, and I very much want one.

♪ We're all alone, no chaperone

♪ Can get our number

♪ The world's a-slumber, let's misbehave ♪

(DOG BARKING)

(SIGHS)

Timing is everything, you little brute.

Come. Umpire at least. Phillip is pining for you.

If I knew you played tennis,

I never would have signed that marriage certificate.

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

(DOG WHIMPERS)

(BONES CRACKING)

(GASPS)

(DOOR OPENING)

MARION: Not a bad day for it.

(EXHALES)

Reading.

My fiance, Edgar, was always hiding behind books.

Marion, you're needed on the tennis court. John was just asking after you.

Would you like to see a photo of him, my Edgar?

Poppy!

That's Enrico Caruso.

Who's dead, I know that. But if you ignore the nose and the mouth

and the ears, there's a striking resemblance.

I don't actually have a picture of Edgar.

Well, mustn't keep you.

No, no. Of course.

Looking forward to getting stuck in to a good book.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Poppy!

You haven't seen the beast, have you?

The dog?

Nope. I haven't.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Poppy!

(MRS. WHITTAKER WHISTLING)

Oh!

Oh, poor, poor Poppy. I'm so sorry.

HILDA: Larita!

I've been sent in to badger you.

Please, please help us make up doubles.

Hilda, I can't. I'm only good for the cocktails between sets.

We're between sets now.

Hilda, you can't possibly want me on court.

Phillip! Go get him.

Poppy!

(DOOR CLOSING)

Poppy!

(WHISTLES)

Poppy!

What are you doing? MARION: Reading.

Sodom and Gomorrah, A Biblical Story.

Who gave you this filth?

Go and find the dog!

(SIGHS) Larita!

Please refrain from giving my daughter pornographic literature.

Yes, yes, of course.

Oh, and I volunteered you and Hilda

to perform the dance of The Dying Swan for the War Widows' Revue.

We're short on numbers.

Lovely. Anything to help.

Have you seen the dog?

No. Not recently.

Probably out seizing the sunshine like everyone else.

Poppy!

Furber!

Oh!

(PANTING) Oh, it's you, madam. I'm sorry.

Can I get you anything?

A shovel.

Shovel. Of course.

Go and get Phillip a hot toddy.

Phillip. You look so...

So... So...

PHILLIP: The suspense is killing me.

Poppy!

Oh. Sorry. It's fine.

(SIGHS)

Your brother is such a sharply honed twit.

(LAUGHS)

Where is our beautiful cougar hiding?

Under a book, I expect. I wish she wouldn't slack indoors so much.

Some people would kill to be indoors with Larita.

She isn't built the same as us.

Still, it is annoying, though.

You're such a sport, always ready for anything.

I haven't got Lari's beauty or charm or intelligence.

She is clever, isn't she?

Mmm.

Clever and bored.

I don't understand it. I'm not bored. You're not bored. Nobody else is bored.

Your father is, out of his mind.

Yeah. Father was born bored.

Hmm.

If only she made an effort to play along.

Stop being so torturous, Panda.

You had her playing charades last night. What more do you want?

MRS. WHITTAKER: John! Hmm?

John?

To tell the truth, I never really liked her. Crabby, snappy little bitch.

I didn't like the dog much, either.

(CHUCKLING)

Poor Poppy. Casualty of war.

If I may be so bold, madam?

These people ride horses, lots of horses.

It would be advantageous to do the same.

And I thought Detroit was a tough town.

♪ You do something to me

♪ Something that simply mystifies me

Has your horse run out of gas?

♪ You have the power to hypnotize me ♪

Oh, John, don't hurt it.

Far from it, we've got a hunt coming up.

Poor little mite needs a head start.

Oh. Go on, run.

So much to learn about each other.

My curriculum vitae.

The brook is the border of Sarah's property.

Mother always imagined we'd join forces and invade Surrey.

And how about those foot soldiers on high?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I say, that's Davis, Lord Hurst's man.

And there's Lord Hurst.

Closely followed by my mother-in-law.

I wonder what the devil they're surveying?

Are you disappointed you didn't marry Sarah?

Of course not.

We've seen each other naked since we were one.

She's part of the...

The scenery.

You can hack it a little while longer, can't you?

How long is a little? And don't say two weeks again.

Well, there's the War Widows' Revue, the craft fair,

the hunt. The hunt.

The memorial service.

What memorial service?

JOHN: Friends, we are gathered here today

in remembrance of our missing friend, Poppy.

Oh, Poppy.

Wherever you have chosen to sow your seeds,

(CHUCKLING) we pray that you are blooming.

We pray that you have gone to a better place.

Shame we don't know exactly where that place is.

Anyway, now for a eulogy from Emily Dickinson, queen of mirth.

"Because I could not stop for Death

"He kindly stopped for me

"The carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality..."

Or maybe the carriage didn't stop and that's how he got squished.

(HILDA GIGGLING)

Scraped off the road and put in a sausage...

MRS. WHITTAKER: Oh, Hilda!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(YELPS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

MRS. LANDRIGIN: Thank you, Mr. Gribble.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

behold Reverend Burton

and Marion Whittaker as they reach for the scissors

in Samson and Delilah.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(SNORING) Hark! I hear my husband snore!

PHILLIP: What the hell happened to Delilah?

Looks like a sack full of oranges.

I'll creep forth on padded foot and relieve him of his ample follicles.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

HILDA: (CHUCKLING) How hilarious!

It's meant to be a tragedy.

Then you succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

LARITA: Your father seems to have a fan.

Don't read too much into it.

(WHISPERS) She was a godsend during Mother's last months.

Sometimes I wonder where they would be without each other.

Marion, my ample follicles are in dire need of a trim.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I wouldn't taunt the artistes, my little dying swans. You're on next.

Mother, I've encouraged my girls to undertake

something a little more contemporary.

Yes, Hilda and I seem to have a talent for the can-can.

The traditional can-can, performed without underwear?

Phillip.

(CHUCKLES) Anything for you, Phillip.

PHILLIP: Mmm. Yes, anything.

That will raise a bit more than money for the war widows.

(ALL LAUGHING) I'm doubling my donation.

Pinkie.

Fans at the ready, gentlemen.

All the way from gay Paris,

I give you Miss Hilda Whittaker

and, for her debut performance, Mrs. John Whittaker

doing the can-can!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Is it my imagination, or is your daughter dancing without her scanties?

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

(CHUCKLES)

(SMACKS) Ow!

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHING)

(GASPS)

MAN: Bravo!

(GROANS)

(HILDA CRYING) JOHN: It's not Lari's fault.

HILDA: But she said it was traditional.

Phillip said it, not Larita. And it was a joke.

Everyone understood that except Nelly No Knickers over here.

Hilda isn't as experienced as your wife, John. No one is.

If you're not prepared to have a straight talk to her, then I certainly am.

Don't be ridiculous, Marion. You'll lose a finger.

Lord Hurst will never speak to me again.

JOHN: Oh, rubbish. You two are as thick as thieves.

I saw you together with the surveyors in the back fields.

Preparing the jumps for the hunt!

I'm completely humiliated. I'll never get a husband now.

After tonight, I'd have thought they'd be lining up round the block.

MRS. WHITTAKER: John! HILDA: I hate her! Hate, hate, hate her!

The advance notices are sensational, Mrs. John.

Is it my imagination or is the cutlery particularly deafening this evening?

I don't know how many times I have to say this, Hilda. I am sorry.

That's easy for you to say.

It's surprisingly hard to be easy.

You're smiling, Jim.

God forbid, the wind might change.

Hilda, if I had any inkling that you were going to take me seriously...

You could have made an effort to enjoy it less.

Well, I had my underpants on. I was having a grand time.

(CHUCKLES)

HILDA: It's not fair!

You've got two husbands, and I've had none.

Well, technically, I have one.

But you've had two.

Well, I've had two shoes, and that's a great deal more practical.

I dare say, you've worn down more soles than that.

John.

Marion, Larita's first husband died of cancer. Stop being so callous.

Come now, John. I'm sure Marion can appreciate the pain

of watching a loved one slip through her fingers.

She's scandalous!

You should hear what they're saying about her in the village.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Well, let's stop those wagging tongues, shall we?

Is it true you've had as many lovers as they say?

Of course it's not true, Mrs. Whittaker.

Hardly any of them actually loved me.

Hmm.

Well, that was uncalled for. I realize it was a joke, but still...

You threw me to the wolves in there.

Come now, Marion hardly constitutes wolves.

All right, you threw me to the voles. Either way, you abandoned me.

Your sisters need to be restrained.

Restrained?

Hilda breaks loose once and she's almost institutionalized.

And poor old Marion, Edgar drops by for a cup of sugar

and Mother has his name engraved on the family crypt.

I mean, I'm sorry, but it really is very funny.

Hilarious.

Welcome to the petrified circus.

Meet the resident contortionist who can't bend any further.

(PLAYING PIANO) Then stop. Be yourself. Let them live in your spell.

♪ You do that voodoo that you do so well ♪

You're right, of course.

I'm a hypocrite, pretending to be someone I'm not,

especially since it isn't working.

(DOG WHIMPERS)

What the devil has that dog dug up?

(DOG WHIMPERS)

(SIGHS) MARION: Pilot, what have you got there?

(CRYING HYSTERICALLY)

How could you not tell us?

(SIGHS) Marion, it was an accident. I am walking on eggshells here,

and I believe I panicked.

And once again, I'm very, very sorry.

Well, how could you do it? Well, how could you?

Well, I imagine she bent her legs and lowered her full body weight

onto the Chihuahua that was hiding beneath her.

(SOBBING)

Marion, please.

John, did you have anything to do with this?

No. No, I was the sole perpetrator of Poppy's demise,

and ever since I have been wracked with guilt.

Please, please, please let me buy you a new dog.

Oh, God!

You might buy your loved ones in the United States,

but you can't in the United Kingdom.

How unfortunate.

You could at least show some remorse.

Oh, I am full of remorse.

I just refuse to invest in amateur theatrics to convince you of my sincerity.

That's not how I came off the assembly line.

I'm sorry, I can't change.

Not for you. Not for anybody, anymore.

And I wouldn't want her any other way. So...

Madam, the dog.

(GASPS)

Stay back. Stay back.

MARION: I knew it the second I laid eyes on her. She's a killer.

She sat on poor Poppy deliberately.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Of course she didn't.

My brother has married a dog murderer. She should be put down.

Put through a divorce court.

The Lord does not sanction divorce.

The Lord is almighty, Marion. He can sanction anything he likes.

I say the sooner they move out, the better.

(SCOFFS) They move out?

John isn't going anywhere. Watch and learn.

HILDA: It's so unfair. Why can't I have a room like this?

(HILDA LAUGHING)

I could die of envy.

Laying to rest this tragic incident,

we've had this splendid set of rooms made over for you, haven't we, Jim?

Yes. My wife would like you to rest in peace.

And I've even had an old friend of Johnny's brought down from the attic.

Old Faithful Awaits His Master's Return.

I used to sleep under that silly painting.

(CHUCKLES)

That's very comforting, I'm sure, but we're expected back in Mayfair.

But these are the largest rooms in the house.

You'll find nothing like it in London.

She has a point. MR. WHITTAKER: She always does.

Sometimes I don't know why you ever did wander home.

And miss all the fun?

Cook would like to inform you, Mrs. Whittaker, the bird is stuffed.

Oh.

What bird? Hmm?

Thursdays is bubble and squeak. I hadn't made any arrangements.

Oh, but I have!

In appreciation of your understanding, and now for that delicious double bed.

We'll think of you every time we use it.

Darling, what exactly are we celebrating?

Thanksgiving.

Thanks for what, hmm?

The annihilation of an entire indigenous people.

A loving union of two great cultures.

Just like us.

How transcontinental.

I can't believe you got access to the kitchen.

Beatrice did put up quite a fight, but technically I outrank her.

Who's Beatrice?

Your cook.

Or now my undercook, since I'm qualified cordon bleu.

(LARITA CHUCKLES)

That's a degree.

Furber, Furber, Furber.

Can you take the vegetables down to the kitchen and tell Cook to cook them.

No, Furber, thank you. I think I'll surprise my alimentary canal.

Well, Mother, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to eat my meal before it gets cold.

Furber. I've changed my mind. Bring it back.

Me, too.

Gobble, gobble.

(GOBBLING)

Yes.

Here's a tip, Hilda. A sure way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Or his mother.

Larita, look, I've found another likeness of Edgar.

Marion, this is Fatty Arbuckle.

Who's in jail, I know that,

but if you cut out his cheeks and give him a bald patch,

there's a striking resemblance.

(SNEEZES)

Edgar's away on a trip. He's across the pond,

(SNEEZES) sowing his wild oats or something agricultural.

She's good, I'll give her that.

I think you're overreacting.

(SNEEZING)

(JOHN CHUCKLES)

Lari. Lari!

Not the vase, not the vase!

MAN: Taking the corn cockle buds and bee-kissed roses

roughly in his calloused hands,

his hot moist tulip exploded in her river of delights...

JOHN: Larita?

Early Christmas present. For you, darling.

The mind boggles.

JOHN: Well, it's... It's... MR. WHITTAKER: It's magnificent.

MRS. WHITTAKER: It's monstrous!

It's me.

I posed for a young Spaniard. Don't you absolutely adore it?

Very expressive, darling, but I can't quite see you in it.

LARITA: Well, you can see everything else!

You actually took your clothes off in front of a total stranger?

Don't be a buffoon, Marion. Of course she took her clothes off.

MARION: I think it's unholy. JOHN: To be honest, Lari,

I'm not sure I approve of you being nude.

You know, without... Without me.

Extraordinary.

What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

I'm just trying to get into the swing of things, Mother.

Marvelous!

Well, then, you'll be riding in the hunt with us, won't you?

Well, I might be persuaded if the painting stays.

Hunt. Paint.

Hunt.

Very well.

Hunt.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

View, hello.

Hello, everyone. Good to see you.

Richard.

Morning, Jim. After generations of false starts,

we finally managed to combine our cavalry.

Congratulations. A marriage of minor convenience.

LARITA: You'll be fine, I promise.

Now, remember, the second you have the Holborough boy's eye, flirt outrageously.

But Warwick Holborough has ears like the Cambridge Cup!

And Phillip's the prize.

Now, if you want a man's attention, ignore him.

PHILLIP: Warwick the Wing Nut and Sausage Fingers.

What a handsome couple. They'll have puppies, not children.

Wait.

There's something I need to say.

(GRUNTS) I see you, you're wasted here.

When the time comes, give me a ring.

If I could find your neck, Phillip, I'd wring it.

Larita's making sheep's eyes at Phillip.

She's a Venus de flytrap!

She wants him all to herself.

She's not interested in Phillip.

Nobody's interested in Phillip. HILDA: I am.

Mount up, Larita.

If you don't mind, Mrs. Whittaker,

I think I might give the fox a head start.

Lari, get on the pony, please.

It's just as I thought.

Mrs. Whittaker, I said I'd ride, and I'm always good for my word.

Tally-ho!

(SEX BOMB PLAYING)

(TRUMPETING)

(DOGS BARKING)

♪ Spy on me, baby, use satellite

♪ Infrared to see me move through the night

♪ Aim, going to fire

♪ Shoot me right

♪ I'm going to like the way you fight

♪ Now you found the secret code I use

♪ To wash away my lonely blues

♪ So I can't deny or lie

X Because you're the only one to make me fly

♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're a sex bomb

♪ You can give it to me when I need to come along

♪ Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're a sex bomb ♪

What is she doing?

A victory lap, by the look of things.

There's something wild about that child that's so contagious.

(WHOOPING)

Well, she promised she'd ride.

(LAUGHS)

(BARKING)

(LET'S MISBEHAVE PLAYING)

♪ No chaperone can get our number

♪ The world's in slumber, let's misbehave

(SINGING ALONG) ♪ There's something wild about you, child

♪ That's so contagious

♪ Let's be outrageous, let's misbehave

♪ When Adam won Eve's hand he wouldn't stand for teasing

♪ He didn't care about those apples out of season

JOHN: ♪ About those apples out of season

♪ They say that spring means just one little thing to little lovebirds ♪

JOHN: ♪ We're not above birds, let's misbehave ♪

(JOHN HUMMING)

(LARITA WHOOPS)

(LARITA LAUGHING)

Miss Hilda, telephone from New York.

Uncle George?

Oh, thank God, a friendly voice.

Yes, and she's a complete nightmare.

Really?

How salacious.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

MRS. WHITTAKER: Come in.

(DOOR OPENING)

Mother?

I'd like to apologize for today's schmozzle.

That really won't be necessary.

In her defense, Larita made no secret of her disapproval of blood sports.

She did ride as promised.

Well, we should credit her with her imaginative way of keeping her word.

You must be very proud of her.

Mother, I think...

I think maybe Larita and I ought to go.

Oh.

Yes, I see.

Very well. Feel free to drop in whenever it takes your fancy.

Off you go. Enjoy. Don't be like that.

I'm sorry, dear, wasn't Mummy being kind enough?

Here, take these. They might get you as far as Constantinople,

and this, to Casablanca.

Mother, stop it!

No. You stop it!

Stop being so naive.

(SIGHS)

The money's gone, John.

Nothing left.

The only thing standing between this family and bankruptcy

are those surveyors in the back field.

Lord Hurst is offering to buy 400 acres to keep the bailiffs away.

It's your legacy, John Whittaker,

and I'm selling it.

I had no idea. No.

No, you don't.

You were supposed to take over the estate.

You're supposed to take your responsibilities,

but you were unexpectedly flagged down.

I've been struggling for years with a man who doesn't care,

waiting for you to step up to the mark.

No. You just go.

Go to Algiers with your racing car driver.

I'm too tired to care anymore.

LARITA: Well, it's not exactly surprising, John. Look at the grounds.

Your mother is being very practical.

JOHN: In what sense?

Well, you're not coming back. Your father moved out decades ago.

Phillip's not going to marry Hilda. Nobody's going to marry Marion.

Subdividing the land and selling to a trusted neighbor is an elegant solution.

Somewhat harsh.

I've had my fair share of selling off my past,

and it is an auction of innocence that's neither fun nor pretty,

but it is realistic, something your mother excels in.

But it's my responsibility.

Gracious, how can I have been so blind?

WOMAN: Winter hydrangeas! How do you do it?

It's a controlled mixture of passion, persistence and horse manure.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the new bride.

Ah. John's wife has very fickle allergies.

Allergies to what? (WHISPERING) Flowers, Emma.

(CHUCKLING) Flowers. Can you believe it?

That is a strange choice of bedfellow for this neck of the woods.

We'll just have to make do with John and Sarah.

It will be like old times.

SARAH: X When you're smiling

♪ The whole world smiles... ♪

Why the big panda eyes?

Sarah, I've often meant to ask you something,

but I hadn't the courage.

Well, don't then.

Did you think I behaved like a cad,

marrying Larita like that, without telling you?

No, of course not.

You took the opportunity and married for love, and I respect you for it.

If we'd have married, it would have been for friendship and convenience.

Would it? Yes.

We knew one another far too well.

I want my marriage to be

thrilling, romantic, with passionate love letters.

I could have written you love letters.

(LAUGHS) Well, you didn't, did you?

I did love you all the same.

John, stop it.

(HISSING)

He's very different from the man I met in France.

The boy. The same, sweet boy.

Is it true what she says?

Are you really selling off the land?

To be perfectly honest, I haven't the faintest idea.

(CHUCKLES)

But it's your home. It's your community.

Doesn't that matter?

No.

(CHUCKLES)

You're a dark horse.

Have you noticed how few men of my age there are in this village?

Fourteen years ago, we all took the King's shilling.

We all signed up together.

My brother,

friends,

staff,

all hunkered down in the front row of the Great War.

I thought they kept majors safely behind desks.

Promotion for surviving.

As captain, it was my job to get them all out of the trenches.

Within the first four minutes of our first charge,

20, 000 men died.

In Thorverton, down the road here,

they were stationed in Morocco.

Their captain brought them all home.

I didn't bring a single man back.

This whole village died.

I think there's a glimmer of life in you yet.

Well, if there is, it has no time for pet cemeteries and Japanese lanterns.

Why did you come back?

I had no choice.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

LARITA: She came for you.

Why the lie?

She thought "wandering home" sounded better.

And, to be perfectly frank, I no longer cared.

(PACK UP YOUR TROUBLES IN YOUR OLD KIT BAG PLAYING)

HILDA: I hate new games.

There are too many balls. I can't sink anything.

Sink some gin, Sausage Fingers.

HILDA: I never, ever win.

Oh! Well done!

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

HILDA: Stop sucking it. Come and help.

SARAH: Come on, Pops.

LORD HURST: All right, missy, hold your horses.

All right. Clear the decks, puppies.

May I?

I was hoping to have a word.

We're accentuating the positive today. I really don't have a mind for anything else.

Of course. Of course.

I know you're under considerable stress.

Regarding what?

Lord Hurst's kind offer to buy into your property.

The realtor I'm dealing with in London also specializes in subdivision.

Perhaps he could help negotiate a premium price.

Thank you, but really, this is of no concern of yours.

Of course it is a concern.

I am a member of this family now, and I'd like to help.

And this is your interpretation of help, is it?

Carving up our heritage and selling it off to the highest bidder?

Well, coming from a country no older than the chair you are sitting in,

it seems a very practical solution.

Just forget the seven generations of people

who have devoted their entire lives to farming this land.

Get someone else to do it, with a machine, no less.

Who do you think you are?

Swinging your wherewithal like a cat on heat.

Now, if you really want to be of assistance, Larita,

I think you know what's required.

Right.

I think it's time an expert showed you how this game is played.

Watch it.

Bravo! ALL: Bravo!

What a sportswoman, I must say. Can you imagine? Fantastic.

JOHN: Lari, you're confusing me.

LARITA: I'm feeling trapped, John.

I don't understand.

It's this house! It has an air of doom hanging over it,

and I can barely stand the weight much longer.

The answer is to go abroad again.

Not yet.

This is my life for now, you know that.

(SCOFFS) And what part do I play in it?

Do you have to be so loud?

Of course I do. I'm American.

(JOHN LAUGHING)

What is the use of bickering like this? It doesn't lead anywhere.

You never know. It might lead to a natural end.

Do you want it to?

Do you?

No!

I just want some peace and quiet.

You're far too young to make a remark like that.

I can't help my age...

Grandma.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I'm sorry that I leave you alone so much.

Honestly, I'm sorry.

Good. Then let's do something about it.

Why are we driving so fast?

The thrill of escape.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

LORD HURST: You're looking very game today, fairest game in the land.

(MRS. WHITTAKER LAUGHS)

A penny for your thoughts?

It's more than pennies, I'm afraid, Pinkie.

I don't think I can afford the party this year.

But the Japanese lanterns!

No, canceled.

Had to choose, Japanese lanterns or the maid.

No, you're not getting out of it that easily, my dear.

My offer of cellar and staff still stands.

It wouldn't be Christmas without your knees-up.

(CHUCKLES)

(GUNSHOT)

(GRUNTING)

(SIGHS)

This is the first piece of clarity I've had since arriving.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Why can't we live in moments like these forever?

Why?

Because you've stopped loving me, my darling.

How can you say that?

Oh, I just open my mouth and the words come out.

Then let's make a fresh start.

There are so many things I need to tell you about me.

Hard things.

I don't care.

I do.

It doesn't matter. I trust you absolutely.

♪ I see you again

♪ Whenever spring breaks through again

Come on.

♪ Time may lie heavy between

♪ But what has been is past forgetting

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(LAUGHING) Stop.

♪ Throughout my life will come to me

♪ Though the world may go awry ♪

(GUNSHOT)

MAN: Shot!

(BARKING)

(GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(GASPS) (GASPS) John!

(GROWLING)

Top hole!

Oh!

MR. WHITTAKER: I can't decide which is worse,

the idea that you had to sneak outside to get some privacy

(LAUGHS) or that you were caught by Veronica.

LARITA: Who's Veronica?

I am. It's my name.

I fail to see the humor in it, Jim.

No, darling, you know, you're quite right.

I can certainly see the serious implications.

It's really not a laughing matter.

It's only a laughing matter.

Indecent exposure is illegal, even in America.

No... Yeah.

(LAUGHS) You're right. And we're very, very sorry. Aren't we, Lari?

(CHUCKLES) Well, no. I'm not.

This is my husband.

And this is my home!

MR. WHITTAKER: Well, maybe it's time for the young ones to fly the nest.

Certainly not.

They will stay put and brazen this out.

And you can get that ghastly painting out of my house.

We do not need any more reminders of your easy virtue.

(SIGHS)

No!

Help me, Jack. JACK: Right.

Excited, Furber? Overwhelmed, sir.

Jolly good! Miss Hilda.

Uncle George. How explosive!

Furber, I recognize that as asparagus.

FURBER: Correct, madam.

Ha!

I pity poor Panda. Oh, what is it now?

Read.

The Detroit News.

Uncle George is a super sleuth!

Collecting old newspapers is the last refuge of a truly boring man.

Boring? Far from it. It was a scandal!

Wasn't it, Mrs. Morley?

Mrs. Tom Morley of Detroit, Michigan.

MR. WHITTAKER: Don't be grotesque, Hilda.

I suppose I'd better finish my meal before it wilts entirely.

MR. WHITTAKER: Any dressing?

Oh, I am genuinely shocked.

No, thanks, I always end up wearing it.

We've been hoodwinked!

Mmm. Especially that runny vinaigrette.

MARION: Fire and brimstone!

Mayonnaise has more ballast.

Will you stop this insulting behavior immediately?

Hmm.

I always hated that photo of myself.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Of everything I've ever expected,

nothing could have prepared me for this.

MR. WHITTAKER: Prepared you for what?

She was charged with murder. I was acquitted.

And that's consolation?

I told you my husband died.

Yes, but you didn't tell us how, did you? Does John know about this?

HILDA: Oh, I see.

It's no concern of ours.

Father! Really!

Yes, and after Hilda went through all that trouble digging it up.

In fact, I'm going outside for a cigarette. Would you care to join me?

Thank you, Jim, don't mind if I do.

No concern?

MR. WHITTAKER: The pack's closing.

This woman has taken advantage of our son.

He'd never have married her if he'd known the truth.

You know that, do you?

I suppose you would have preferred we had an affair?

Well, I think it would have been more appropriate!

Mother!

(LAUGHS) Unfortunately, I agree with you!

MARION: Oh, it's easy to talk like this now.

It isn't easy. It's heartbreaking.

I love John, but it's not blind love.

(RASPBERRYING)

Marion, does that sound indicate contempt or asthma?

You can't palm us off like that, Mrs. Morley.

MR. WHITTAKER: This is your doing, child.

You're a bigger fool than you look.

HILDA: Larita is your type, isn't she, Father?

LARITA: That is the nicest thing any of you have ever said.

MARION: God forgive you.

JOHN: Hello, are we having a picnic?

John,

I think your wife better unveil this one herself. Don't you, Larita?

Before we met,

I was involved in a court case over the death of my husband.

It was seedy and stressful,

but since I was found innocent,

I didn't think it necessary to burden you with the details.

Innocent?

She was responsible for a man killing himself!

The verdict was suicide, but that's not where it started.

I thought it was cancer.

It was.

But he was so desperately sick.

If you would have known him, you would have understood how forgivable it was.

It's not as if she poisoned him herself.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Well, that's what everyone thinks.

MARION: She's a black widow. I pity you, Marion.

Really? Well, I won't let you!

MR. WHITTAKER: Right, that's it!

You have a dance to organize, I suggest you all get to it.

(MRS. WHITTAKER GASPS) Now, go on! Now!

(MARION WHIMPERS)

MRS. WHITTAKER: Hilda! Come on, inside!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

MR. WHITTAKER: John.

(A ROOM WITH A VIEW PLAYING)

(LARITA SOBBING)

Are you crying because you're angry or ashamed?

(SIGHING) Neither.

Coming here has been the most demoralizing experience of my life.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to, everything just happened so fast.

That's not good enough.

I tried to, several times,

but you trusted me "absolutely."

And you saw the field day those fatuous hypocrites made of it.

Larita, please remember they're my family.

I shouldn't think of them at all if they weren't.

Still,

you should have told me.

You should have loved me more.

I couldn't love you any more.

You should have loved me better.

I don't understand you, Larita.

I don't understand you at all.

(SLAMS)

(SOBBING)

(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Are you all left feet?

Dancing with you is like trying to move a piano.

Ow!

I wonder what the American will be wearing?

(LAUGHS) Or who she'll be poisoning.

(EXHALES)

Do you like long moonlit walks?

Only when taken by people who annoy me.

You've got me all to yourself, Phillip. Larita's upstairs with a headache.

And which little fool, pray tell, gave her that?

(MUSIC ENDS)

Do you think you ought to go and see if Larita is coping?

I already have. She's fine.

It's been a very trying day for her, John.

Go and escort your wife down.

No, I wouldn't worry.

You know my wife, she'll make an entrance when she's ready.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Quickly, you'll blow my cover.

Why are you sitting in the dark?

Watching.

(BOTH ARGUING)

People are so universally similar when their guard is down.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

It seems they are universally similar when their guard is up, as well.

May I?

Thank you for being gallant today.

You are damn cool in a crisis.

The judge at my trial said something similar.

Why did you do it?

Why did you marry John?

My first husband was older, and his end was messy.

Long afterwards this

boy, this pure boy

arrived fresh and unblemished.

I married him because any other relationship seemed

cheap and squalid.

My first marriage cost me my youth, and here I am stealing someone else's.

What will you do?

The best I can.

(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Davis, thank you.

And thank you, Pinkie.

No, not at all, my dear.

Just look at this turnout.

Hmm. They've only come for a repeat performance of the Cincinnati succubus.

JOHN: May I have the pleasure?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Look.

(SILENCE)

(PEOPLE WHISPERING)

Tango, please. Certainly.

Tango. BAND MEMBER: Tango.

(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)

Dance with me, John.

Lari, don't.

Please, dance with me.

SARAH: That was very gallant.

You've got to stop them, Mother.

No, I don't.

Marvelous. Marvelous.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Straight from the bordellos of Buenos Aires to the Hippodrome of London, maestro.

Take it away.

Jim, this is the end.

(ROMANTIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)

FURBER: Congratulations, madam.

Have you been drinking, Furber?

Yes, madam. Prodigiously.

You are full of surprises.

Yes, madam. I was even arrested once.

What for?

Bigamy.

MRS. WHITTAKER: Ah, there you are, Pinkie. I've found you.

Larita, where are you going?

Away, Sarah, for John's sake.

Far, far away.

Is there anything I can do?

You can look after him.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Women like me are tiresome in love. We expect too much.

Marry John.

It's the way things always should have been. I'm just so sorry I got in the way.

You love him that much?

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Go. I'll cover for you.

(WHISPERS) Sweet Sarah.

MRS. WHITTAKER: I'm so glad you've recovered from your headache.

Please don't build any convenient social lies on my behalf.

Oh, I say, Mother is only...

Fighting to keep the charade alive?

You've shown tremendous fortitude holding this family together, Veronica,

and I can respect that.

But what I can't respect is the manipulative road you've chosen to maintain control.

This war is over. Move on.

Move on. Oh, how convenient.

Oh, wake up, Marion. Edgar's not coming back.

(MARION GASPS) And that ring isn't stuck, you are.

And, Hilda, you've got such promise, yet you're squandering it on malice.

My advice to both you girls? Run.

Go see the world through your own eyes.

(SCOFFS)

So speaks the siren, leading the sailors to their death.

Well, at least I'm not Medusa, turning them to stone.

(MARION AND HILDA EXCLAIM)

Get out!

JOHN: Larita? Fine.

Lari? Lari, don't go.

John, I have to. I can't live here.

Nothing can.

But you're my wife, and I love you.

Oh, John, my darling.

You don't know what love is.

You have no idea what it means to love someone so much

that you will do anything for them.

Even inject them with poison

when they're too feeble to do it for themselves.

I don't believe that you could have ever loved me like that.

Oh, John, let her go.

Let her go.

Off into the sunset to inject another family with her poison.

Mother. Go on, off you go.

Before your past catches up with you, again!

Mother!

(EXCLAIMS)

You evil...

Mother! Shut up!

FURBER: They are predicting warmer weather, madam.

Yes, Furber, I believe they are. Thank you.

Very generous.

There's something special in there for Jackson.

Please make sure he gets it. Of course.

Where will Madam be staying?

Who knows?

Good luck.

And you, Furber.

Would you forward the painting please, Furber?

To where, sir?

(CAR ACCELERATING)

I shall enjoy passing on the good news, sir.

(WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE TOUGH GET GOING PLAYING)

MR. WHITTAKER: Well, my dear,

when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

♪ I've got something to tell you

MR. WHITTAKER: Really?

♪ I've got something to say

MR. WHITTAKER: I'm all ears.

♪ I'm going to put these wheels in motion

♪ And let nothing stand in my way

♪ Darling, I'll climb any mountain

♪ Darling, I'll do anything

♪ When the going gets tough

♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

♪ The tough get rough

X Gonna get myself across the river

♪ That's the price that I'm willing to pay

♪ I'm going to make you stand and deliver

♪ And give me love in that old-fashioned way

♪ Darling, I'll climb any mountain

♪ Darling, I'll do anything

♪ Because when the going gets tough

♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

♪ The tough get rough

MAN: My lords, ladies and gentlemen,

introducing the Easy Virtue Orchestra.

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

On piano, the honorable James Watson.

(PIANO PLAYING)

On the bass, Thomas "The Bass Engine" Mason.

(BASS PLAYING)

On the euphonium, Oren Marshall.

(EUPHONIUM PLAYING)

Christopher Webster, trombone.

(TROMBONE PLAYING)

Drums, Mr. David Rowntree and Benjamin Bryant.

(DRUMS PLAYING)

On the ukulele, Paul Woollard.

(UKULELE PLAYING)

On the guitar, Christopher Montague.

(GUITAR PLAYING)

On the washboard, Jason Boshoff.

(WASHBOARD PLAYING)

Saxophones, Mike "The Maestro" Smith and Samuel Frank.

(SAXOPHONES PLAYING)

On clarinets, Christopher Caldwell and Bradley Grant.

(CLARINETS PLAYING)

On the trumpets, Gerard Presencer and Christopher Storr.

(TRUMPETS PLAYING)

On strings, Sophie Solomon, Perry Montague-Mason,

Emlyn Singleton, Boguslaw Kostecki, Peter Lale, David Daniels and Jo Knight.

(STRING INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)

Thank you.

And on the saw, David Coulter.

(SAW TWANGING)

On the bandoneon, Ian "Tango Man" Watson.

(BANDONEON PLAYING)

And on the oboe, Katherine "St-John-St-John" St. John.

(OBOE PLAYING)

Thanks, Kate. On the slide whistle, Stephan Elliott.

(SLIDE WHISTLE WHISTLING)

Michelle de Vries on the cymbals,

(CYMBALS CRASHING)

Barnaby Thompson on spoons.

(SPOONS TAPPING)

Tristram Penna, gramophone.

(GRAMOPHONE SCRATCHING)

Thanks, Tris.

And on the banjo, Benedict de Vries.

(BANJO PLAYING)

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a wonderful audience.

Tell your friends, and please come back soon.

And remember, keep your powder dry.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

Good night. Thank you all once again.

S I'm going to find myself a one-way ticket

♪ Nothing's going to hold me back

WOMAN: Really?

♪ Your love is like a slow train coming

♪ And I feel it coming down the track

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

♪ Oh, darling, I'll climb any mountain

♪ Darling, I'll do anything

♪ When the going gets tough

MAN 1: ♪ When the going gets tough

♪ The tough get going

MAN 1: ♪ The tough get going

♪ When the going gets rough

MAN 1: ♪ When the going gets rough

♪ The tough get rough

MAN 1: ♪ The tough get rough

MAN 2: Ooh, can I touch you?

♪ And do the things that lovers do

GIRL: Ooh, I want to hold you.

♪ I've got to get it through to you ♪

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)