Original subtitles

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

["FANTASMIC: Opening" by Bruce Healey]

[soft mystical music] [ice clinks]

[burps softly] Excuse me.

Hello, I'm Doug Jones, and today,

we're gonna talk about Lawnchair Larry.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Our story begins in 1962.

A 13-year-old boy named Larry Walters

walks into an Army Navy Surplus store.

And amongst the Swiss army knives

and the heavy duty flashlights,

he sees right before him a weather balloon.

Suddenly, inspiration hits him like a bolt of lightning.

He says, oh, my God.

If I had enough of these balloons, I could fly.

He graduates from high school

and enlists in the U.S. Air Force,

but due to his poor eyesight, he's rejected,

and this devastates him, but he says, you know what?

I'm not gonna let this stop me.

Fast forward to 1982.

Larry is now a 33-year-old truck driver,

and he still hasn't been able

to get this idea of flying out of his head.

Larry's driving his truck. He hears an airplane.

He looks up and he's like, son of a bitch.

That's gonna be me someday. [rousing music]

Out of my way, asshole.

[imitates truck horn honking]

[muffled snickering]

Let it out.

So he brings his girlfriend, Carol,

into the very same Army Navy Surplus store

he went to as a kid.

He says, I'm gonna buy a bunch of these balloons.

I'm gonna tie them to a lawn chair

and then I'm gonna fly.

She says, you can't do that.

That's way too dange... [burps]

Excuse me.

That's way too dangerous.

He says, no, no, no, no, no. I know what I'm doing.

And Carol says, wow, okay, I'm in,

takes out her credit card,

and spends over $4,000 on weather balloons,

a lawn chair, helium tanks,

CB radio set, a BB pellet gun.

So, Larry lays out the plan.

He says, okay, I'm gonna take off

from your ho... backyard in San Pedro.

I'm gonna fly over to San Gabriel Mountains.

When I reach an altitude of approximately 7,000 feet,

I'm gonna use the BB pistol to shoot off that balloons,

and then I'll gradually begin my safe descent

into the Mojave Desert.

Now, here's the important part.

Right before I take off, you're gonna notify the FAA

so that I don't get hit by a plane.

I really don't wanna get hit by a plane.

I spilled on my nuts. [snorts]

So, uh...

_

Larry establishes his ground crew,

which consists of his girlfriend, Carol,

and his buddy, Ron.

He's like, hey, what's up? I'm Ron.

They take 42 weather balloons and fill them with helium,

tie it to Al... aluminum lawn chair,

tie that to two dozen jugs of water for ballast.

Larry christens his contraption,

Inspiration I.

And he's like, okay, it's go time.

Let's rock and roll. They cut the first tether.

Suddenly, Carol's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Wait a minute. Larry, this is a big mistake.

Larry turns to Carol and says, baby...

[drum roll]

I'm sorry, but a man can't just sit around.

- [chuckles] - Right then and there,

a gust of wind comes along

and the second tether snaps in half,

and Larry shoots off into the sky

at a thousand feet per minute.

Lar... uh, Carol freaks out.

Larry is, uh, up in the sky,

and he's like, oh, my God.

My greatest wish has come true.

Ron turns to Carol and says, my God, Carol.

We forgot to notify the FAA.

Oh, my God. I'm so drunk. So, uh...

Larry gets on a CB radio

and he's like... [imitates radio static]

Okay, I'm at 500 feet.

I am now entering federal airspace...

[imitates radio static] I am at 1,450 feet...

higher than the Sears Tower... [imitates radio static]

I am now at 6,500 feet.

I'm above the clouds.

At that very moment, two commercial airplane pi...

[burps] flying by.

He's like, did you see the game last night?

That Fernando Valenzuela has one hell of an arm...

[hearty laugh] That son of a bitch.

And then Larry's like...

[imitates radio static] Now I'm at 8,000 feet.

[panting]

Oxygen becomes scarce at 8,500 feet.

He's like, when I was a teenager,

I experienced Beatlemania,

but this is more like, banana-man... mania.

Am I right?

And then Larry's like, holy shit. Oh, my God.

I'm at 16,000 feet.

I'm three miles above sea level.

I thought I would stop at 7,000,

and now I am a two... double... two over double.

Oh, good dear God! Oh, what have I done?

The pilot looks over.

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

[rock music]

[Derek and Dough laugh]

A guy on a lawn chair holding a gun?

[man screaming fades]

Carol freaks out. She's like, Larry, you're too high.

You're gonna get in trouble.

But she's like, how's the view?

And he's like, it's nice.

It's real good, but you're right.

It's time to come back down now.

He takes the BB pistol. He shoots up.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew...

seven of the 42 weather balloons.

And then he sets the gun on his lap,

and it falls into the sky, and it's gone.

And he's like, oh, my God. Whoa, no!

Oh, no!

What am I gonna do now?

Well, as it turns out,

35 weather balloons is the perfect amount of balloons

to make a safe and gradual descent into land.

Inspiration I lands on the power cords

in Long Beach, uh, and knocking out the power

in the entire neighborhood.

Carol runs up to him.

Carol says, oh, my God. Thank God you're okay.

Gives him a big-ass hug and is like,

please tell me you're never gonna do that again.

He makes the evening news.

He never gets charged with anything.

The very next week,

Larry gets a special invitation

to be a guest on the "Late Night with David Letterman."

- Wow. - Letterman says,

wow, how does it feel

to accomplish something that you've always wanted to do?

And Larry says,

I've achieved inner peace,

and I'm the happiest person alive today.

[Joey Scarbury's "Believe It or Not"]

[out of tune] ♪ Taking me out of the space I was in ♪

♪ Making my wishes come true ♪

♪ Believe it or not, I'm walking on air ♪

♪ Never thought I could feel so ♪

♪ Free-ee-ee ♪

♪ Flying away on ♪

♪ Balloons and a chair ♪

Both: ♪ Who could it be? ♪

♪ Believe it or not ♪

♪ It's Larry ♪

And that's now officially a parody,

which is royalty-free, so you can use this.

- To Larry Walters. - To Larry Walters.

[glasses clank]

Is there an Army Navy surplus store in the area?

[tank whooshes]

Stay tuned for more "Drunk... " [balloon pops]

[laughter] [clatter]

Hello. I'm Allan McLeod, and today,

we're gonna talk about Phineas Gage.

Cheers, Allan. Welcome back.

[glasses clank]

So, our story begans September 1848

in Cavendish, Vermont.

Phineas Gage, who's the foreman of a railroad crew...

he loves his job, and therefore,

everybody beneath him loves working for him.

His workers are talking to him like,

hey, Phineas, what do you need?

Oh, I need my rod. Thank you.

I need my gunpowder. Thank you.

I'm just gonna pour the gunpowder in.

We're gonna tamp it down,

and we're about to go 'splody-'splody with it.

Is everybody having a good da...

[explosion]

So, this rod is made of iron.

It's about 4 feet long.

It's about an inch and a quarter in dinameter.

When the explosion happens, it shoots through his head,

through his brain, through his skull,

and lands a few yards away.

But amazingly, he was conscious.

All the workers rush up to Phineas like, you okay?

You okay? He's like, yeah.

No, I'm back. Let's... let's get back to it.

We gotta break these rocks, son.

They're like, Phineas, we gotta get you to the hospital, man.

So they go to the medical office of Dr. John Harlow.

And doc's like, come on in, buddy.

We gotta get all the skull debris

and loose brain out of the way,

so I'm just gonna stick my fingers here,

and, uh, through your brain here, and, uh, well,

I'm gonna stick my other fingers through this thing,

and... well, my fingers are touching now.

[laughing] It's like Chinese finger trapping here, man.

Dr. Harlow bandages him up.

And Phineas is like, can I have my pants now?

You can have more than your pants now.

You can have your shoes. You can have your socks.

I'll even throw in your underwear.

Word starts spreading,

gets around to this doctor over at Harvard,

Dr. Henry Bigelow.

Dr. Bigelow has him do a battery of tests...

memory tests and motor skills tests.

He does great on them.

Dr. Bigelow is like, hey, you got a clean bill of health.

This is crazy, but... [laughs]

It looks like you can have a traumatic brain injury

to the frontal lobe and it's not a really big deal.

That's great news.

The brain is resilient as fuck.

So he goes home to celebrate with his boys.

He's hanging out and he's like,

let's get another motherfucking round

of shots, baby.

So Phineas, what's been going on, man?

Ugh, I was just up in Boston, man... tearing it up, dude.

I was meeting with this doctor at Harvard... Bigelow.

He's studying me 'cause I'm, like,

basically superhuman right now.

Fuck that, though. Let's not even talk about that.

Let's get some pussay!

What? Phineas, you're acting super weird.

You don't seem to be your normal self.

What? I'm the true me now.

I'm my truest self. I'm hypersexual, man.

I'm sorry if you don't like it,

but time to get with the program. Let's fuck.

Are you okay, Phinny?

I'm not Phinny anymore.

I'm Mr. Gage with the big dick.

[chuckling softly]

I had a man finger my head, so I can do anything.

I'll fuck a dog.

[laughs]

Uh, so anyway, can I have my old job back

as foreman of the railroad crew?

I'm sorry, man. We're not really sure you're as responsible

as you used to be, and I don't know.

You just kind of changed since the head injury,

and we hate to say it, but we're not gonna...

you can't be foreman anymore.

He was like, you know what? Fuck you guys.

I'm taking my rod and I'm hitting the road.

Phineas leaves jobless.

He sees a sign for P.T. Barnum's museum of curiosities,

and he decides to go to New York and become a curiosity.

And they're like, step right up.

See the man who has a rod for a best friend,

and hear a story of why it's his best friend

'cause it shot through his head one time,

and now he's got a hole in his head.

Bit of a long lead-up, but just go in and see him, hey.

He even charges extra for people who wanna come up

and pull his hair back and see his brain.

Step right up. You wanna see his brain?

Pay a little extra.

You can see his pulsating, gleaming, juicy brain.

Daddy, can I see his gleaming, juicy brain?

Oh, Christ. All right.

- Jesus. - [laughs]

So he's on display

as a sideshow attraction with P.T. Barnum.

And Phineas eventually goes to San Francisco to his old family farm.

Phineas is a lot different. His emotions have changed.

And he's like, I fucking love you, Mom.

I fucking love you, Uncle. Yes!

And that's when his uncle and his mom...

they realized something's off with his personality.

He's not the same old Phineas Gage.

And everything starts catching up to him.

And 12 years after his accident,

in 1860, Phineas Gage passes away.

John Harlow, his first doctor, hears about that and is like,

hey, uh, Mama Gage. I know this is kinda weird,

but can I, you know, exhume the body?

Can I, like, dig up your son

and take his skull and study it and...

All I wanna do is exhume-zoom-zoom...

[laughter]

[snorts]

They exhume the body.

He takes the skull of Phineas Gage.

Dr. John Harlow actually kept detailed diaries

on Phineas and his progress over the years.

It was these diaries that helped scientists

make the connection between injuries to the frontal lobe

and personality changes, impulse control,

and anti-social behavior.

Everything that's written about

Phineas Gage's brain injury

is important to the last 170 years

of neuroscientific research.

Okay.

- Cheers. - Believe it or not.

Stay tuned for more of "Drunk History."

- [laughs] - You okay?

[hiccups, laughs] Oh, boy.

Hello, I'm... [laughs]

Okay, wait. I feel like... okay...

[laughs]

Okay... [cackling]

Hello, I'm Jennie Pierson,

and tonight, we'll be discussing the Greenbrier Ghost.

_

on January 23rd, 1897,

in Greenbrier County, West Virginia.

Edward Shue is toiling in his blacksmith shop.

Suddenly, he spies a local boy walk by, and he's like, boy,

if you could go to my house and check on my wife

and ask her if she needs anything,

uh, from... if... sh... uh...

[laughs]

And ask my wife if she needs me

to bring anything home to her on my way home.

- Sounds very lazy. - Super fucking lazy.

So, this little boy, like, goes to the house.

He's like, hello? Mrs. Shue?

Hello? Where is e...

is anybody here... Li... hello...

and what he sees is Edward's wife, Zona,

dead at the foot of the stairs.

[dramatic music]

[long, high-pitched scream]

Oh, boy. I've never seen a dead body before...

[Derek and Jennie laugh]

So, a few hours later,

Dr. George W. Knapp arrived to examine the body,

and finds that Edward has already

bathed the body and dressed it.

So Edward is, like, cradling his wife's head in his arms,

and he's like... [sobbing]

My wife... [sobbing continues]

Oh!

And Knapp is like, excuse me.

Can I... excuse me, could I... I just need to...

I gotta check the... if I could get into the...

[sighing] Oh, boy.

So, he goes, okay, well, since I can't really

examine the body, I guess it seems like she died from, um,

ever... everlasting faint?

And he deduced this because he had been

treating her for "female trouble,"

which I guess just means, like, cramps.

Like, her period... [chuckles]

So he puts that on the coroner's report.

So, Zona's mother, Mary Jane, is like,

wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Wait. You guys, there's 100% no way

my daughter died from her period...

[hiccups, laughs]

Okay. Four weeks later, she felt a chill in the air.

There was a flash of light.

She's like, what is going on?

The ghost of her daughter appears.

Zona, the daughter, is sorta staring at her,

and she's not saying anything, and then all of a sudden,

her head starts to turn,

and it turns completely around...

all the way around.

And Mary Jane is like, oh, my God...

[hiccups] Your neck was broken.

So Mary Jane is like, oh, shit!

Like, my daughter got murdered by her husband.

Like, I have to go tell somebody what happened

because she didn't just die from her period.

That's insane... [laughs]

[dramatic music]

So, like, the next morning,

she runs to the prosecutor, John Alfred Preston.

And this prosecutor's like... [heavy sigh]

[laughing] He's exhausted because he's having

to prosecute everybody because

everyone's a nightmare in the 1800s.

So she tells him what happened.

She's like, I know this sounds batshit bananas

creepy crazy, but this is real.

And he's like, I don't know about this ghost story,

but let... let me look at the evidence.

He looks at the specifics and he's like,

okay, female trouble, everlasting faint...

this seems fucking suspect.

So Preston's like, Dr. Knapp, can you come into my office?

I need you to exhume the body,

and I need you to reexamine it and... look at me...

I need you to do a fucking good job this time.

So they exhume the body. They reexamine it.

And he's like, looks like her neck is broken,

and there's finger marks on her neck?

Oh, God.

[stammers] She was murdered!

I didn't do my job.

[snickers]

[laughs] What?

So John Preston is like, well, I guess this ghost lady...

[laughs] Like, was right.

[dramatic music]

I'm very drunk... [laughs]

I like that... oh... [laughs]

I pissed.

[glass clanks]

[laughs]

[snorts] Why'd you make me piss though?

So Edward gets arrested. We go to the trial.

And Preston did not wanna put Mary Jane on the stand

to tell the ghost story because he was afraid that

that would make her look batshit crazy.

And that is precisely why the...

What do you call it? [laughs]

Defense. Sorry.

- Mm-hmm, yeah, you got it. - Oh, my God.

I've watched so much of "Law & Order." I should know this.

The defense attorney... he asks her,

uh, apparently, you saw your daughter come to you as a ghost.

Why don't you tell us about that, you dumb lady?

And she's like, look, I prayed for weeks

that the ghost of my daughter would appear to me

and tell me how she was murdered.

And she finally appeared to me and told me that

her husband, Edward, had broken her neck out of anger.

That's what happened, you guys.

That is what happened.

And the judge is like, I'll allow it.

Everybody, I allow the testimony of a ghost

to be allowed into the legal court documents.

Order, order, everybody! Order!

So he hits the gavel.

The jury deliberates for an hour and ten minutes.

The jury foreman comes back and is like,

despite any concrete evidence,

what we did hear is this ghost testimony, and we're buying it,

and because of that, this guy is guilty.

They don't have any doubt.

The judge is like, he's sentenced to a life in prison.

And Mary Jane breathes a sigh of relief...

[relieved sigh]

Fucking finally.

This is the only known case

where a testimony from a ghost

helped convict a murderer.

That's so insane-sounding... [laughter]

Never felt more insane.

["FANTASMIC: Opening" by Bruce Healey]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~