Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

LAURA: I love each and every one of you who have

supported me over the years with all my heart.

(DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

It's difficult for me to come to terms with my diagnosis,

but I do know that the emotional bond we share is real.

So while I only have a few months left to live,

I'm reminded that even though I've only met a few you

in person, that our time together has made my life

everything I always wanted it to be.

I'm so grateful for all of you,

and I made this flash to remember you all.

Fucking cunt.

What?

Laura, I hate her.

Laura, who is dying of cancer?

Oh, c'mon, you know she's just doing it

to get to the top of the charts for the week.

She got cancer so she could get the most views?

Maybe she didn't get cancer for that reason,

but she's definitely milking it.

She's going to be dead in a few months.

I think you can wait that long

to get back to number one on str33ker.

I was number one for six weeks.

Seven would have been a record str33k.

Well, maybe when Laura is dead,

you can get that str33k started again.

Shouldn't you be studying for that exam tomorrow, anyway?

I have to get ready for the party.

You're going, right?

Do I really have to?

I really need to study.

I still don't understand this taxonomy stuff that well yet.

Kinky people can often find good sex.

That's all you need to remember.

Ha, ha, very funny,

but I don't think that's gonna be enough.

We have to memorize like 200 plant species.

I'm sure you can study wallflowers at the party.

Get ready.

Whose party is it?

I don't know, some old guy who still thinks

it's appropriate to be hanging out with college students.

Ugh, that's creepy.

It's a Halloween party.

It's supposed to be creepy.

(UPBEAT ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC)

Hello Bailey Nation,

or Bailey World, Bailey Universe.

We've been number one for the past five weeks,

and I just wanna thank all of my awesome fans

with, da, da, da, da, a tour of Hollywood's weirdest!

Also, I wanna thank my very, very,

very unfortunately short roommate,

Emma, who's helping us film today.

Emma is super studious,

but I believe she has a really fun side

underneath all those piles of books,

and when she finds out the scientific cure for nerdom,

she'll be having as much fun as the rest of us.

Emma, say hi.

You know, Emma, smiling doesn't cost you anything.

Alright, so let's see what cannibal

hobo freaks we can find today.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

♪ Put my blindfold on ♪

♪ I'm on the high wire ♪

♪ This ain't no act baby ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm on fire ♪

♪ Throw your knives at me ♪

♪ I'm your target girl ♪

♪ I'll keep spinning livin' in the world ♪

♪ It's you and me baby ♪

♪ We're thicker than blood ♪

♪ Spittin' up spittin out in Hollywood ♪

♪ You and me baby we got more than love ♪

♪ Up above down below in Hollywood ♪

♪ Up above down below in Hollywood ♪

♪ Up above down below in Hollywood ♪

♪ Up above down below in Hollywood ♪

♪ Up above down below in Hollywood ♪

♪ Hollywood, Hollywood, Hollywood ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So, uh, I know I've been quiet this entire time,

but honestly, I'm just in shock right now.

What now?

Are you dressed as a, as a poop?

Yes.

So you thought it was a good idea to go to a cool party

where you're gonna meet new people dressed as a turd?

A poop.

A turd is a poop.

No, a turd is a specific type of excrement.

A poop is more general.

I am a poop.

So, you're generally speaking,

depicting a broad category of excrement with your costume

as opposed to a specific, single type of excrement?

Yes.

Okay then, moving on.

When we get to the party, if anyone talks to you,

which I highly doubt because you're dressed as a turd.

A poop.

Whatever, a frickin poop.

Just don't mention anything about the str33k, okay?

Especially if Brayden's there.

Fine.

But you can smile, if you want.

I don't.

How 'bout laughing?

(EMMA LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Good enough for a poop.

(SKELETON LAUGHING)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

What's up lion buddy?

(LAUGHING)

EMMA: Kinky people can often find.

Did you see that poseur carrot at the party?

Oh, right.

Oh, that's her.

Hey, guys.

Bailey, I can't believe you lost your str33k.

Oh, yeah, well, Laura, you know?

She's probably faking it.

Yeah, um, excuse me.

Did I ever tell you yellow is my favorite color?

- This was a fun party. - Oh, you stink.

Hi, Bailey.

Hey, Brayden.

I'm a little busy.

Oh, you weren't too busy to call me every

single day last week begging to hang out.

Well, you had a str33k then, now.

Oh, now I'm just nobody?

Yeah, pretty much.

You know roses are my thing.

I don't think you own the legal rights to roses.

I don't think you own the legal

rights to being a fucking dickhead.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, you're a loser.

Good one.

Give me back my key.

You're finally gonna see how many bolts you get

on your flashes when you don't

have a woman doing everything for you.

Oh, but I'm nobody, right?

Whatever, I got a flash on the charts.

Oh you do, really?

Mm-hmm.

Is it the one that I edited and shot,

or the one that I wrote, edited and shot?

Bye now.

Ugh!

♪ Monster size monster size ♪

♪ Seven foot tall he's monster size ♪

♪ Monster size monster size ♪

♪ Glowing in the dark those monster eyes ♪

♪ Monster size monster size ♪

(SKELETON LAUGHING)

♪ Seven foot tall he's monster size ♪

♪ Monster size monster size ♪

♪ Glowing in the dark those monster eyes. ♪

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Yeah, so like, whose lame party is this anyway?

Do you guys mind, I'm trying to study!

Oh, sorry.

Ugh!

Kinky people can often find good sex.

Are you dressed as a turd?

Oh shut up.

Next year I'm dressing as something more popular.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Bailey!

Bailey!

Bailey!

Bailey!

Bailey!

Bailey!

Bailey!

It's 4 A.M., come on we have to go.

Okay, okay, no.

Five more minutes.

No come on, get up.

Okay, I'm going, I'm going.

No you can't walk.

No be careful!

No, no, no you're drunk.

No be careful, be careful.

No, no, no, no, no, no be careful.

(LAUGHS)

What's so funny?

Nothing's funny here.

(CHEWING)

Come on, you're okay.

I'm so drunk Emma.

I can tell.

I'm really angry with you right now.

Why?

You know I don't know how to drive.

Then why are you sitting in the driver's seat?

They taught us in health class in high school

that it is better to drive without

a license than it is to drive drunk.

Oh, I bet you got an A, miss smarty pants.

I did.

You're gonna fail that test tomorrow.

Kinky people, something.

Fuck, who cares?

Well, Professor Vargas probably does.

No she doesn't.

She comments on all my flashes, she doesn't care.

Everyone just cares about flashes, anyway.

That's not true.

People like you for you.

You don't even like me for me.

I do too.

I liked you before the flashes.

I still like you now.

I just wish you cared about something other than clicks.

And I also wish that you were driving right now

because this is making me very anxious.

Oh wow, we're getting real real

in the car right now, okay.

It's a safe space here.

So safe.

Soon we'll be hurling down the street, out of control.

We're hurtling down the street out of control.

Stop, stop!

No, you're not making me feel any better

about this driving thing.

Okay, then we'll just stay here then.

Jesus Christ, I don't give a fuck.

No, I can't do that.

I didn't have any time to study at that stupid party,

we wasted a ton of time.

Oh that party was so stupid.

Everyone there just liked me cause I had a str33k.

And now they like Laura who is dying of cancer.

Whatever, she'll be dead soon,

then everyone will like me again.

I have a plan.

Okay, am I involved in this plan somehow?

Uh, duh.

Well, do you wanna tell me about it?

In due time my dear.

In due time.

(LAUGHS)

I knew I could get you.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

(ELECTRONIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(EMMA AND BAILEY CHATTERING IN BACKGROUND)

I can't get my key out if I'm holding you up.

Ugh!

I lost my key.

What do you mean?

I thought you brought your own key

and you got Brayden's key back.

Oh yeah.

Hold on.

Ugh.

(KEY CLATTERING)

Oh, no no no.

Come on.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

No, you're fine.

I'm gonna make this bed for you okay?

Oh no, I don't want it.

Good night.

Wait, we need to say our prayers.

Fine.

Okay you start.

Dear Lord, please let Bailey go to sleep

and wake up with no hangover so I don't

have to hear her complain tomorrow.

Ugh good one.

Okay.

Dear Lord, please do that thing that Emma said,

and also please give me the confidence

of a mediocre white man so I can go

through my life as brazen as I'd like.

Did you really need that?

Oh and please make sure that Laura

gets better so that she can stop hogging

the top of the str33ker charts

and I can get my record str33k going again.

You're a real saint, Bailey.

No one can say I don't care about others.

Goodnight.

(OMINOUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(SOMBER PIANO MUSIC)

Like every patriotic American,

you wanna start your morning right

with delicious, nutritious toaster pastries.

But heating up normal toaster pastries is such a hassle.

They never fit in the toaster.

Even when they do, they always come out too cold.

Or too hot.

(RECORD SCRATCH)

Well, not anymore.

With new toot strudels radioactive flavors.

Toot strudels radioactive flavors use patented

nuclear technology to self heat

to precisely the right temperature.

Just open the packaging,

exposing the atomic isotopes to air,

and in seconds your toot strudels are ready to eat.

Normal toaster pastries get cold before you can finish them.

Toot strudels stay the perfect temperature all day long.

Don't spend hours making perfect

toaster pastries for breakfast,

throw away that toaster!

With three toot strudels fluorescent glow favorites.

Radioactive watermelon!

Atomic eggplant!

And nuclear celery.

And of course, no one can eat just one toot strudel.

So we put two amazing,

perfectly baked strudels in every pouch.

That's right, two perfect temperature

toot strudels in every pouch.

So you get a double dose that will set

your Geiger counters clicking every single day.

And don't forget to take our which toot strudel

are you quiz to find out if you are cool

and confident like radioactive watermelon.

Strong and steady, like nuclear celery.

Or spontaneous and weird, like atomic eggplant.

Hello!

I am Professor Wolfgang van Tütstrudel!

The inventor of the patented toot strudel

self heating toaster pastry.

Join me on November 11th

for National Toaster Pastry Day.

And you could win a lifetime supply of toot strudels.

That's right, three square meals a day

of toot strudels for the rest of your existence.

Just upload your best five bolt flashes

about what toot strudels mean to you.

And you could be our lucky winner.

Toot strudels!

The official toaster pastry of str33ker.

There's froot in every toot.

(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Froot contains no flavors, colors, pulp,

or other natural derivatives of fruits or vegetables.

Kinky people can often find

good sex.

Hey there sleepy head.

That was some party last night.

Shh!

Why do you have to be so loud?

Please.

Um, I was speaking at normal indoor volume.

Don't try to confuse me with your flawless logic,

Emma, okay?

I have not seen you this hungover in awhile.

(EMMA LAUGHS)

I think you had one too many.

Ten too many.

Ugh, thank god, I'm starving.

Fine, fine, I'll just have a glass of water.

(SIPS)

Mm, filling.

You know I had the strangest dream last night?

About what?

You were in the shower.

Perv.

No!

Not like that.

Not all sexy and stuff.

Are you saying I'm not sexy?

You know what I mean.

Anyway, you were in the shower.

I saw a face glowing in the reflection of the door.

It was an evil face.

And then they pulled out a knife

and started stabbing at you wildly.

You were spitting out blood.

And you reached for the glass

and left a hand print on it, and then fell.

And the killer was breathing heavily.

I could hear their heartbeat.

I saw the knife and it said doppelgänger on it.

Why would the knife say doppelgänger on it?

I don't know!

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

I can't control my dreams!

Sure you can.

Have better dreams next time.

(PHONE VIBRATES AND RINGS)

How did you film this?

Film what?

Us coming home last night?

I don't remember anything from last night.

Take a look at this.

EMMA: I can't get my key out if I'm holding you up.

What the fuck?

This is terrifying.

I'm calling the police.

How many views does it have?

EMMA: I thought you had your own key

and got Brayden's back?

20,000 and rising.

Five bolts?

Five bolts.

Don't worry about it then.

Don't call the police.

It's probably just creepy Mrs. Wilson from next door.

She's harmless.

But how did she get your password?

I don't know, I'll just change it.

Who cares?

Don't freak out.

I'm too hungover to deal with it right now, anyway.

Plus it will start a new str33k for me.

We had better get to that exam anyway.

Kinky people can often find good sex.

How could you joke at a time like this?

Joke?

I'm studying.

(EMMA SIGHS)

Okay class, you have 15 minutes.

I just want to give you a little hint

for the classification taxonomy on number 13.

EMMA: Shh! Be quiet

I don't know like 90% of this shit.

Shh, knock it off or you'll flunk us both.

I don't know like 90% of this shit.

Shh, cut it out.

Is there a problem, ladies?

Yeah, actually...

No, no, not at all, Professor Vargas.

Bailey just needed to borrow a pencil.

Very well, just remember there's no talking during exams.

Yes, Professor, of course.

And both of you come and see

me in my office after the exam.

(EMMA HUFFS)

Fuck.

I'm very disappointed, especially in you, Emma.

- I... - Don't I.

You should know better than to ask

Bailey for answers during an exam.

But you don't...

No, now Bailey, I am so sorry that

you have to be a party to this dishonesty.

Let me present you with this rose as a token of gratitude.

- Thank you. - Mmhmm.

Professor Vargas, please don't be too hard on her.

She's really a good kid,

and it's just hard being my roommate

with all the attention.

I could only imagine.

You know, your last str33k was wonderful work.

It's just I'm so sorry that that

cancerous bitch knocked you down.

Well thank you Professor Vargas.

Oh no, you don't deserve it.

Call me Harriet.

- Oh, thank you, Harriet. - Yes, thank you.

Oh, cancer is hard to beat.

Well, you can do it, I have faith in you.

I hope so, I think I can.

Oh, I know you can, I enjoy your work.

She's so nice, isn't she?

She, but she.

I just wish all my professors were that understanding.

Hey, hey, um you left my rose behind.

So I did.

(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)

♪ You want to write my story ♪

So is it just me or was that test, like, mostly pointless?

Eh, it's just you.

Yeah, like I said, Dr. Vargas does not give a shit.

Oh, God, don't look.

It's that creeper, Mrs. Wilson.

Hi girls, hi Bailey.

I loved your latest flash.

Hi Mrs. Wilson.

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Bye.

What are you doing?

Don't talk to her.

Why?

She gave me 500 thousand views.

If that was her.

No, she's really creepy, I...

Don't talk to her, I don't trust her.

(DOOR SCREECHES)

Will you fail the next test on purpose

so that we can stay in class together?

Well, why don't you actually try studying for once,

and then we can stay in class together.

Nah, too annoying.

Know what I've been thinking?

Uh oh, you've been thinking?

I know, it's painful, but once in a while a neuron fires.

I was thinking, why do I even need college?

What?

I mean, I'm a junior, and I'm still undeclared,

and I don't really care about much.

I'm making awesome flashes that get five bolts,

that's what I'm good at.

Bailey, you can't be serious?

Why not?

Bailey, are you crazy?

You can't make a living off of str33ker.

But I'm famous.

Bailey, you're internet famous,

not even internet famous, but str33ker famous.

Str33ker famous and famous are two

completely different things.

You're being such a bitch right now.

I got five million views just today.

Yeah, of that guy stalking you from outside.

You have to think about your future.

I am thinking about my future.

This is why I'm bringing it up.

Wait, how do you know it was a guy?

That's sexist.

Okay, I don't know it was a guy, but...

Okay, well, girls stalk people too, sometimes.

Okay, fine.

Well, you need to think about your future in case,

the guy or girl stalker doesn't murder you.

What, so I can earn 70 cents

to the dollar and hit a glass ceiling?

No one takes me seriously, Emma.

Well, maybe if you didn't act the way you act.

How do I act?

- The way you act... - I what?

Never mind, never mind.

You're just twisting my words.

You're too smart to not be taken seriously.

Okay, well maybe too smart to get a normal job,

and too smart to lead a normal life.

If I were dumber, you'd be happier,

then I could just be safe and do the safe thing,

is that what you're asking me to do?

Yeah, that's probably what you should do,

but you make it sound so bad.

You're sounding like a crazy person.

You can't just sit around making videos all day,

not for a living.

There are other popular internet stars

that you know that make plenty of money.

What's your point?

My point is, I thought you were my friend.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you're supposed to support me.

I do support you, that's why I'm always

helping you make your stupid videos.

Stupid?

They're flashes!

That's not what I meant, what I meant was...

I know what you meant, alright.

No, hear me out.

No, you said, you said too much, dude.

Just go get me my sweatshirt, I'm cold.

(SOMBER MUSIC)

Bailey, did you leave a grenade

in your underwear this morning?

Why?

They're all over the floor.

(COMPUTER MOUSE SCROLLING)

♪ Grow man grow ♪

♪ Grow man grow ♪

♪ Grow man grow man grow man grow ♪

(STALKER SNIFFS LOUDLY)

♪ Grow man grow ♪

♪ Grow man grow ♪

♪ Grow man grow man grow man grow ♪

♪ I'm sick of being called shorty ♪

♪ $7.98 new height guaranteed ♪

(STALKER SNIFFS LOUDLY)

Aren't you freaking out?

This your idea of a joke?

What do you mean?

You just told me to stop making flashes,

and then my most recent one gets sabotaged?

Bailey, that is not me tossing your underwear around.

I know it's not you, Emma.

You're short as fuck, and you're with me all day.

My point, so what exactly am I getting blamed for here?

Who'd you get to do it?

Who'd I get to do what?

Come into your room and act all creepy?

Right, who?

I know I'm your only friend,

so did you hire someone or what?

Okay, first of all, you are not my only friend.

Yes I am.

No, you're not!

Second of all, why on earth would I hire someone to do this?

You just told me to stop making flashes.

I did not.

I said you could not do this for a living.

Ugh!

You only hear what you want.

You said what I heard, you told me to stop.

If I really wanted you to stop,

this is not how I would do it.

I'm always helping you with your flashes all the time.

Did you ever stop to think about that?

No, I guess I hadn't thought about that.

Right, I've been helping you

with your channel since day one.

Okay, well if it's not you,

then who's trying to sabotage me?

I think the better question would be how did

this person get into your room to film this?

Should we call the cops?

Yes, I'll call.

No, no, no, no.

What do you mean, no, no, no?

I should call, it's my underwear and I don't

want you to make it sound unsexy or something.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Fine, you make the call, but do it!

Okay.

Um, the number is 911.

I'm getting there, Emma.

(EMMA SIGHS)

This is my new roommate Emma.

We just moved in together today.

I met her on the Str33ker forums

and we love all the same things.

Also, we're both beautiful and smart.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What's going on?

Alright, looks like the coast is clear.

Yes, thanks for your bravery.

All in the line of duty.

Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

I don't know, were you in 'Nam?

What?

No.

Neither was I, so we probably didn't meet there.

Um, okay, not important.

Look somebody broke...

Look, guys I gotta take a breather,

I gotta take a breather.

Come fill me in, alright, just come fill me in.

Somebody broke into our apartment and made a video

while we were on campus for class.

A flash, a flash, it's called a flash.

- A flash? - Yeah.

What?

A flash.

A video.

Whatever, someone came in and played 52 pickup

with my underwear, which is very sexy, I might add.

Write that down, write that down.

He doesn't care if your underwear is sexy or not.

Look, I am here to get to the bottom of this, I mean.

Um, you have some, um, on your hat.

Oh, so I do.

Look, I'm here to gather clues, okay?

If the underwear being sexy is a clue,

I need to know about it.

It's not a clue really, Bailey has a stalker.

I'm sure this is the first time

the stalker saw her underwear.

Are you sure?

I don't display my underwear.

Very well, you know this may be

some kind of a desperate attempt

to get a closer look at your underwear,

by some kind of a pervert or something.

I think that's the kind of thing perverts are into.

Yes, perverts, I think we've made that clear.

Bailey has a stalker.

Can't you dust for fingerprints or something?

Anyone ever tell you to smile more?

Smile?

Our apartment just got broken into,

and you want me to smile?

Well, I mean...

Can't you dust for fingerprints?

Fingerprints?

Yes, um, I just need my fingerprints kit from the car.

You know, I would dust for fingerprints,

I just don't think fingerprints

are gonna show up on underwear.

You know, I'm actually kinda new to this part.

This is actually my first case.

First case?

Yeah well, I had a desk job before, kind of.

But, I never dusted underwear

or anything else, for fingerprints.

I don't want dust all over my underwear anyway, so.

Look, you say you're in college?

Right, I'm gonna chalk this one up to

a stupid prank among college students.

Somebody broke into our apartment,

this is your first case...

Yeah, yeah, look, was there any sign of forced entry?

No, but...

Was anything stolen?

No, all my sexy underwear is here.

Alright, take my card, it's got my direct line.

You notice anything missing,

anything else out of the ordinary happens,

don't hesitate to call me, don't wait.

For now, there's nothing I can do.

Do you want me to take your underwear into evidence?

No, I'll hold onto that, thank you though.

Yeah, what if she wants to run

for President some day or something?

Emma, this country is never gonna let

a woman even mention underwear, be President.

Look, I'm sorry I couldn't do more.

It's okay, don't worry about it.

Yeah, thanks for coming by.

No problem, look, you girls stay safe, okay?

Make sure to look that door and do something

you like to keep your mind off of this.

Laughter is really the best medicine.

We're not sick!

The following flash has been

brought to you by toot strudels,

the official toaster pastry of str33ker.

There's froot in every toot.

Froot contains no flavors, colors, pulp,

or other natural derivatives of fruits or vegetables.

Hey guys, you're watching Brayden's

str33ker workout video, oh yeah!

(FUN MUSIC)

♪ Hey hey hey hey skinny ♪

♪ Hey hey bag of bones ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey skinny ♪

♪ Your ribs are showing just go home ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey skinny ♪

♪ Hey hey bag of bones ♪

♪ Hey hey hey hey skinny ♪

♪ Your ribs are showing just go home ♪

Oh yeah!

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

(DOOR SCREECHES)

Emma, Emma, Emma,

Emma, Emma!

What is it?

Can you sleep with me tonight, I'm scared.

(SIGHS) Fine.

What the?

Emma, are you dreaming again?

What?

(MANIACAL LAUGH)

(LAUGHS)

(CRYING)

(LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

(LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

(LAUGHING)

I'm thirsty, I'm gonna get something to drink.

(EMMA SCREAMS)

So let me get this straight.

The man came back and attacked you?

You watched the video.

Yeah, well, I'm not totally sure what I saw,

it's kinda dark, but uh,

he didn't hurt you, and instead ran off?

Well, yeah, yeah.

And you're okay?

Not emotionally, but...

Nothing's been stolen?

No, but officer, he tried to grab me.

Fine, fine, look the best I can offer is,

I'll station myself outside the building,

and I'll keep an eye on the place.

I'm calling someone else!

Officer could you just give us like, one minute please?

Sure, but don't call someone else,

I'm the guy, okay?

Um, would you mind just like, stepping out for a second?

Right, yeah.

Look, I know he's a little weird.

A little weird?!

Shh, Emma, shh.

A little weird?

He has no idea what he's doing.

Okay, but didn't he say it was

like his first case or something?

I'm right here if you need me.

Yep, just one more minute, please.

Yep, yep, yep, good, thanks.

See?

Okay, but it's his first case, we can't get him fired.

I'm a little bit more concerned

about one of us ending up dead,

than him getting fired.

Emma, relax, alright?

Besides, that flash of you almost getting kidnapped,

has 20 million views and a perfect bolt score.

What!

You're so popular, Emma, like so popular.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You're almost as popular as I am.

Great, just great.

Just give him one more chance.

One more, please?

Fine!

But I am not happy about this.

Guys, I'm uh, still right here.

Officer, thank you so much,

we really, really appreciate this.

Don't mention it.

Look, I'll just be right out here in the unmarked white van,

so just call if you need me, and I'll come running right up.

Got hearing like an elephant.

Aren't elephants more known for their memory?

What'd you say?

Never mind.

That guy is a complete loon.

Our lives are in his hands.

Great, just great.

Come on, I want to go buy some pretzels.

Now?

Yeah, I'm hungry.

Fine, I'll get us some knives too.

Why not guns?

I would never shoot anyone.

But you would stab them?

Well, no.

What if someone were hurting you?

I'd ask them politely to stop until they stopped.

And you think that would work?

Sure.

- Because you're cute. - Because I'm cute.

Oh my...

And what if someone were hurting me?

I'd ask them politely to...

Keep going?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Probably, yeah.

Cute.

I am cute.

Remember that one time you couldn't even kill

that mouse that was caught in a trap.

I couldn't kill it, it was so cute.

It was suffering, you just want to let it die slowly?

I told you, I cannot kill a living thing.

Oh my god.

I couldn't then, and I can't now.

(SQUISHING SOUND)

How To Eat Like A Lady With Mrs. Wilson.

Here it comes, mmm,

yum, mmhmm.

Mm mm mm so good mmhmm,

that's it.

Great job, mmhmm.

This has been How To Eat Like A Lady With Mrs. Wilson.

That's me!

I'm really worried.

You've been really worried for the past 21 years.

I'm only 20.

Yeah, you were worried in the womb.

You were conceived and you started worrying

before you even divided into two cells.

Very funny.

It's not a joke, your first cell

was probably an adrenal cell,

and then you started producing cortisol before mitosis.

I thought you didn't study for biology class.

Kinky people.

It's not related to cortisol.

I know, but it seems to get you really stressed out, so.

At least we have our new doppelgänger knives now.

So, which one of us is evil, then?

Huh?

A doppelgänger means an evil mirror image of a person,

so, one of us has to be evil.

I mean, I guess it has to be me, because.

I think I'm the evil one.

You, Miss Goody-two-shoes?

Evil?

You don't know what's in my heart.

I'm sure a heart full of darkness,

just waiting to show me your true self at any moment.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Really though, you drive me crazy.

You are one of the smartest people I know and...

What?

Well, you don't care.

Why should I care?

No one cares if I'm smart,

all they care about is if I'm making funny faces

while I'm interviewing Hollywood's weirdest,

or if I'm making a makeup tutorial or something.

Doesn't that bother you?

No, that's your problem, Emma.

You think too small,

you think that you need to follow the rules.

You think that there even are rules,

and no one cares about rules, only you.

Fine, I guess I'll loosen up a little bit then.

Now we're talking.

Here, have a pretzel.

Good, right?

Mm yeah, it's pretty good.

Maybe we should go to class now.

Dressed like this?

No one cares, and we're dissecting people today.

Oooo.

Once the blood is drained from the cadaver,

and is preserved with embalming fluid,

the body remains completely flexible

and intact.

Smells a little like vinegar, doesn't it? (CHUCKLES)

(SQUISHING SOUNDS)

And ba bum bum!

(EMMA RETCHES)

The heart.

Awesome.

(EMMA COUGHS)

(CHASE LAUGHS WEIRDLY)

I guess Emma wanted to get a slightly closer look.

Take five.

Emma, Emma, Emma.

Hi Bailey.

Do you mind?

Uh, I'm sorry.

Ohh.

You okay?

What happened?

Oof, long story, dude.

No, I'm just kidding,

it's actually not a long story at all.

Uh, you fainted and fell face

first into a dead person's abdomen.

Ohh, I hate when that happens. (RETCHES)

The following flash has been

brought to you by toot strudels.

The official toaster pastry of str33ker.

There's froot in every toot.

Froot contains no flavors, colors, pulp,

or other natural derivatives of fruits or vegetables.

(TUBA MUSIC)

Hi!

Do you ever wake up in the morning, think boy,

I wish I could poop, but I can't.

I drank a whole gallon of coffee

and it's just not coming out.

Not anymore with toot strudels.

It'll make your bowels so soft,

it'll just flow right out your butt,

straight in the toilet.

I don't even have to wait sometimes.

Sometimes I'm rushing out there

and I'm already turtling.

Toots strudels, comes in new three flavors:

strawberry, watermelon, and also cat flavor.

Toot strudels, get it out while it's in there.

♪ Drop drop drop ♪

♪ Hear the sound in the toilet ♪

♪ Toot strudels will make you poop like a baby ♪

Toot strudels.

(EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

I think I'm gonna take a nap when I go inside.

Yeah.

Boo!

Fucking Christ, Brayden, are you kidding me?

I'm just messing with you.

Thought you were into that kind of stuff

now with your new horror channel.

I got this new camera.

That's not horror, Brayden, it's real.

People are actually breaking into your place?

C'mon, I'm not dumb enough to believe that.

Thought we can go out sometime?

Now you wanna go out, now that I'm back on a str33k?

Well, yeah.

Oh my god, thanks for the rose, by the way.

See you later, Brayden.

Wow, Brayden really likes to stomp on things.

That makes me feel a little bit better

about fainting into that dead body.

That's the worst thing that could have ever happened.

Talk about falling for someone heartless.

Get it?

I'm still worried.

Don't be, Officer Dobson's right outside,

and he has a gun.

Does he have a gun, though?

I didn't see one.

I'm not even sure if he has a real badge.

He didn't even notice Brayden coming up.

Well, they probably gave them one

of those plastic badges and no gun

until after their first assignment.

Anyway, I'm sure it's fine.

Anyway, we should go to bed, dude.

I'd say we have to do some flashes,

but this one of you getting kidnapped

is str33king up the charts, what.

What about Laura?

Her first chemo flash is third after the kidnapping,

and the underwear toss, what?

The sexy underwear toss.

Yes, Emma, I taught you so well.

Alright, let's go to bed.

No prayers tonight?

Nah, I'm already feeling as confident

as a mediocre white man.

I wish I could be as confident as Dobson.

He's pretty damn mediocre.

He sure is.

I could solve this case as well as he can.

Well, I'm counting on you.

Great.

Well, I gotta go to bed, I'm totally frazzled.

Good night.

Good night.

(CREEPY VOICE) Being creepy sure brings out my hunger.

Crouching in the bushes all night making you peckish?

When I'm outside someone's window,

filming them without their consent,

I make sure they've got a box

of toot strudels ready in their kitchen.

When I need a break, I just force open their door,

tiptoe through the house and grab a snack.

Nothing like a self-heating toaster pastry

to give you energy to stay up

all night watching someone sleep.

With patented radioactive isotope technology,

they help me stay warm on chilly damp nights

when I'm lurking in the shadows.

Toot strudels, the favorite snack

food of night creepers everywhere.

Well, all's quiet here, time for a little meditation.

(NIGHTMARISH MUSIC)

(EMMA LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(BREATHING HEAVY)

(BAILEY WHIMPERS)

STALKER: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I woke up and walked out of my room.

The whole house smelled like vinegar.

I figured maybe Bailey was cleaning or something,

but she was gone.

I thought maybe she went for a walk,

but then I received a text,

I ran out right away to get you.

Did you not hear anything?

Yeah, it turns out that my elephant hearing,

not quite so keen and fast when I'm asleep.

What the hell are we going to do?

I mean, did you try calling her?

Yes, of course.

And?

No answer, look, somebody broke into our apartment,

not once, but twice, it was not a prank!

You were supposed to be out there protecting us.

He attacked me and he kidnapped Bailey.

Aaahh!

Fucking do something about it!

Do you have any leads at all?

Aren't you the detective?

I suppose I am, I mean,

that's what it says on my badge, anyway.

You know, I can't place it,

but you really remind me of someone.

(SIGHS) I look like a lot of people, okay?

Any leads, anything?

I mean, Bailey had a lot of fans,

I don't think she had any enemies.

Come to think of it, she did have a lot of enemies.

Like who?

That Chase guy, Brayden, our professor,

just about everyone loves and hates Bailey.

It's her thing, I guess.

What about you?

Nobody notices or cares about me, really.

No, no, no, I mean, don't you love and hate Bailey?

How do I know you're not a suspect?

Really?

Yeah, I guess we can go ahead and cross you off the list.

What about you?

Me?

Sure.

We can go ahead and cross me off the list too.

Great, just about eight billion more people to go,

until we find the kidnapper.

Or killer.

What?

I mean, we just don't know, she could be dead.

What the hell kind of detective school did you go to?

You don't just tell people that

their missing friends might be dead.

Yeah, I guess I missed that day in class.

Yeah, apparently.

This whole apartment smells like vinegar.

Vinegar, you sure it's not just chloroform?

Well, what does chloroform smell like?

It, uh, smells exactly like vinegar, yeah.

Well then, there you have it.

( OFFICER SIGHS)

Hey, could I see your notebook?

Um, sure.

Yup, well, I'm gonna have to get going,

gotta get back on the case.

You should be okay, you know,

since nobody really notices you

or cares about you at all.

Thanks, I guess.

Just please promise me that you'll find Bailey.

I know that she's an idiot sometimes,

but she's really my only friend.

(SNICKERS) Yeah, I promise I'll do my best.

It just doesn't add up, I didn't hear anything.

Officer Dobson didn't hear anything.

What does chloroform smell like?

(CHASE LAUGHS)

Aaaahh!

Whoa, easy there, relax!

What have you done with Bailey?!

What?

Nothing, I just came to help her study.

Dr. Vargas wanted me to tutor her.

Then why are you breaking in?

Breaking in?

I knocked and no one answered,

and I saw the door was open,

so I figured I'd see if anyone was home.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) a little bit creepy, no?

Yeah, I guess you're right, sorry,

I'm just not too used to being around people.

Uh, do you think maybe you could,

like, put that thing down?

I guess so, but one false move and...

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Alright, I just came over to see Bailey.

She's not here.

Well, can you let her know I stopped by or something?

I can't.

Why?

Because she's been kidnapped or murdered or worse.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Oh my goodness, you're awake.

You have no idea how long I've waited for this day,

now it's finally here.

You know, I've followed your work for sometime, Bailey.

From the beginning, really.

And I just knew if I could get you alone in a room with me,

we'd be best friends.

But here we are finally together,

just the two of us.

I can feel the love in the room already, can't you?

(BAILEY SCREAMS)

Oh that's right, that's right, you can't talk.

Well, I'm awful sorry about the accommodations, you see,

my neighbors complain about the loud music,

who knows how they would feel if they heard you screaming

down here, you get it right?!

Right?!

(BAILEY SCREAMING)

Help me, help me! (SCREAMS)

No, no, no, that's a very, very bad girl.

We're supposed to have fun together, remember?

I've worked very hard to get you here,

this is like a dream come true for me,

but if we can't have fun together,

well, there really is no use for you, understand?

Understand?

Great, then let's try this again.

What do you want from me?

I thought I made that perfectly clear.

I want you to be my friend,

and we're gonna hang out and make

flashes for everyone out there.

Flashes?

Yeah, someone has gotta continue your str33k.

Like I said, I'm a huge, longtime fan,

and I just always wanted to be in

the flashes together with you as a team.

If I make flashes with you, you'll let me go?

We'll see, we'll see, but look,

I've taken the liberty of typing up a script for you.

Now, I know normally you improvise your flashes,

but I really think it's better

if we work from a script to start.

You see, I've got this perfect idea

in my mind of how it's supposed to go,

and if it doesn't go just perfectly,

I may have to make some cuts.

(BAILEY SCREAMS)

(STALKER LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

Help me, help me! Help! (SCREAMS)

Well, at least she isn't dead.

(BAILEY SCREAMS)

And this is the most viewed live

str33k in the history of str33ker.

I've gotta call Officer Dobson.

(LINE RINGING)

The following flash has been

brought to you by toot strudels,

the official toaster pastry of str33ker.

There's froot in every toot.

Froot contains no flavors, colors, pulp,

or other natural derivatives of fruits or vegetables.

(SOMBER MUSIC)

This will be my last flash ever.

I just wanna say thank you so much.

I'm told I only have hours left to live,

my heart's giving out and there's nothing anyone can do.

I wish you all the best.

I'm also hoping that Bailey gets rescued safely.

I'm rooting for you. (COUGHS)

The start of the greatest str33k in the history...

(PHONE RINGS)

Fucking telemarketers.

You should really sign up for the Do Not Call list.

Shut up!

You know, if you wanted to be in one of my flashes,

you could've just asked me.

No, no, no, no, no, you see, I tried that,

it's funny you should say that, because boy did I try.

I sent you a letter every week

telling you how much I loved you

and wanted to be in one of your flashes,

but I never got a reply.

I never got any...

Yeah, well, water under the bridge now, right?

We're here together now, that's all that matters.

And look, here's a rose to show you my love.

Ew freak, stop.

Hey, that's not very ladylike.

Fine.

Well, everybody, our time is just about up for today.

But we'll be back in just a few short hours tonight.

Be sure to tune in for the start of the grand finale,

the beginning of the greatest live

str33k in the history of str33king.

I don't know why he's not answering his phone.

(LINE RINGING)

RECORDING: You've reached the voicemail

of Detective Frank Dobson, yeah,

I can't come to the phone right now.

I'm calling 911, forget it.

Do you think we took this too far?

I, I, I don't know, I'm freaking out about this,

and Emma's really worried and I feel like

people think this is real or something.

Oh, well, I hope they think it's real,

it's been great so far.

I, I, I don't want to do this,

I'm gonna call Emma.

Don't you think she's gonna be angry?

No, it's Emma.

She'll be annoyed at first,

and she'll pretend not to care,

but she cares about being famous as much as I do.

And she won't tell anybody either, so don't worry.

Well, I guess she's gonna have to save you then.

Yeah, but she can pretend.

Listen Bailey, I mean it's been real up to this point,

but uh, I'm not just gonna throw this away.

We've come this far, I'm not just gonna walk away from it.

Well, I'm not going to do it.

Yes, you fucking are!

You fucking said you would, you're here,

we're here, we're doing it, okay?!

We're doing it!

Now just stop arguing with me, I'm tired of it.

We're going with the plan we agreed on.

Please I don't want to do it.

Just shut up about that.

I just need you to shut up,

it's the last time I'm gonna say it, okay?

Just shut up and let's finish it, okay?

What, what, what are you doing?

Stop.

What, why are you making it tighter?

Right, uh, I'm sorry,

look, I'm really sorry.

I just started freaking out when I thought

you were gonna back out all of a sudden.

It's okay, it's just I feel

like this is getting out of hand.

(PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS)

Is that my real knife?

Yeah, I just grabbed it from your place.

Oh my god, I'm not gonna hurt you.

You don't need to freak out

or get all hysterical or anything.

My god, I just need it to look convincing.

Alright, please, please, please,

just please don't cut me with the knife, okay?

(STALKER LAUGHS)

Just put it away, please.

Yeah, you don't need to worry about it.

Okay, but...

Yeah, I have the reflexes of an elephant.

♪ You say all you need is love ♪

♪ I think there's more than that ♪

♪ You say love is all you need ♪

♪ I still want more than that ♪

♪ You say we're free to go ♪

♪ This is the ultimate test ♪

♪ You say if we go we're free ♪

♪ Give it to me confess ♪

(SQUISHING)

♪ These bones are gonna walk around ♪

♪ These bones are gonna walk around ♪

♪ These bones are gonna walk around ♪ ♪

♪ You say 'til death do us part ♪

♪ I say it's gone in a blink ♪

Toot strudels, awesome.

Where the hell is Dobson?

You've got to have seen the guy who did this,

at some point, right?

I don't know, I can't think of anyone.

I mean, I guess at this point,

it could be a lot of people.

I even thought you were a suspect.

Me? (LAUGHS WEIRDLY)

What's so funny?

That you thought I could be a kidnapper.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

What I meant was, what's so funny?

Sorry, I have no idea what you're talking about.

I think we need to watch the video.

Which video?

STALKER ON VIDEO: This is like a dream come true for me,

(BACKGROUND LAUGHTER)

but if we can't have fun together,

well there really is no use for you, understand?

Now laugh.

Ha ha.

For real.

Okay, why do people always tell other people to laugh or

smile?

Laugh.

(LAUGHS WEIRDLY)

STALKER: Can't have fun together,

well there really is no use for you.

(CHASE LAUGHS WEIRDLY)

(SKELETON LAUGHS)

EMMA IN FLASHBACK: What's so funny?

I know where Bailey is!

♪ It's time to be brave ♪

♪ Do what it takes ♪

♪ Running straight towards the fire ♪

♪ While the others run away ♪

♪ It doesn't feel right ♪

♪ To turn a blind eye ♪

♪ When we know there's so much at stake ♪

♪ We could be the heroes tonight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ If we stay if we rise ♪

♪ If we're fearless in the fight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ There's dirt on our skin ♪

♪ There's chill in our bones ♪

♪ But we'll never grow tired ♪

♪ Of facing the riots ♪

♪ Battles will rage ♪

♪ A feeling so grave ♪

♪ It won't pull us under ♪

♪ When victory is our fate ♪

♪ We could be the heroes tonight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ If we stay if we rise ♪

♪ If we're fearless in the fight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ Ooooo ooooo oooooo ♪

♪ Ooooo ooooo ooooo ♪

♪ Ooooo ooooo ooooo ♪

♪ Ooooo ooooo ooooo ♪

♪ We could be the heroes tonight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ If we stay if we rise ♪

♪ If we're fearless in the fight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ Ooooo ooooo ooooo ♪

♪ Ooooo ooooo ooooo ♪

♪ We could be the heroes tonight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ If we stay if we rise ♪

♪ If we're fearless in the fight ♪

♪ We could be the heroes ♪

♪ Ooooo ooooo ooooo ♪

The preceding film has been brought

to you by toot strudels.

There's froot in every toot.

Froot contains no flavors, colors, pulp,

or other natural derivatives of fruits of vegetables.

♪ Stay awhile ♪

♪ We can stay all night ♪

♪ Mile by mile ♪

♪ We can make it right ♪

♪ Put the car in drive ♪

♪ And don't stop 'til you see the light ♪

♪ Make it out while we're still alive ♪

♪ Wake up baby for the fight ♪

♪ You only like what you tear apart ♪

♪ You give up before you start ♪

♪ You can't break a broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break my broken heart ♪

♪ Save your smile ♪

♪ It won't help you now ♪

♪ Trial by trial ♪

♪ I will show you how ♪

♪ Put the car in drive ♪

♪ And don't stop 'til you free the night ♪

♪ Get out no one's left alive ♪

♪ Wake up baby it's time to fight ♪

♪ You only like what you tear apart ♪

♪ You give up before you start ♪

♪ You can't break a broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break my broken heart ♪

♪ You only like what you tear apart ♪

♪ You give up before you start ♪

♪ You can't break a broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break a broken heart ♪

♪ You only love what tears you apart ♪

♪ Don't give up before we start ♪

♪ You can't break a broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break a broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break my broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break my broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break my broken heart ♪

♪ You can't break my broken heart ♪

♪ Broken heart ♪

♪ Broken heart ♪

♪ Broken heart ♪

Helllllo Emma nation, Emma world, Emma universe!

We've been number one for 13 weeks now,

and I would like to thank all of my fans

with a tour of Hollywood's Weirdest.

I would also like to thank my very tall roommate Bailey

for helping us film today.

Bailey is very, very serious.

But underneath that sour exterior is a very, very fun girl.

And I think when Bailey learns to smile and laugh,

she'll be having just as much fun as the rest of us!

(CHUCKLES)

Bailey, smile for the camera!

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org