Original subtitles

(Computer voice) Virus complete.

Am I a genius, or what?

Ready to release the virus?

Well? - I'm thinking.

God, I'm sorry you gave you my sister's voice.

Alarm: Soldiers entering at checkpoints C and D.

(In distance) Do it now.

Damn!

(Computer voice) Soldiers entering at checkpoint C, D, A, B and F.

Don't Shoot! ... Don't Shoot!

Crap.

They got me.

Bar Karma 1x08 "The Hacker"

Subtitles by josmndsn

♪ o-o-o, yeah,

♪ aaaaah,oooooooo,

♪ Yo-o-u-u will always

♪ reap what

♪ you sow.

Who got you, son?

You know, you people.

Military, the government, whatever.

I promise whatever you think we are ...

we're not.

Pretty convincing, I'll give you that.

Convincing of what?

Ha, ha, ha, don't act stupid.

All right, I know what this is.

If I'm right, ... which of course I am,

This is a computer program.

What's a computer program?

All this, total mind job.

Military coersion stuff, supposed to ...

trick me into revealing everything I know

by breaking down my emotions or something.

I can't figure out how you busted through my defenses.

I don't even read a breach.

We're not a program.

You're Doug Jones, right.

THE, Doug Jones?

I'm a Doug Jones.

(Scoffs) Right, ... you think you're Doug Jones.

Which is why you're a good programmer.

Hmm. Look, I get it, okay.

It's a good design, I mean,

you got the hot chick, who's supposed to make me all

horny and stupid. Great.

Then, you got the wise authority figure over here,

who's supposed to win me over with 'tough love'

or some crap.

And, you bring in Mr. Famous over here, who's supposed to, what ...

stroke my ego??

Bond with me?

What? ... I'm famous??

You should totally work on your average, standard issue 'moron'.

Unfortunately, ... he got me.

Boy, ... you're so smart, you outsmarted yourself.

Maybe, you're over-thinking things.

This really is a bar.

And, we're just here to help you.

Oh, really, so, I guess that means we can ...

make out.

What!? No. - Ha, ha, figures,

programmed by a bunch of prudes. God!

You guys are going to have to try a little harder than that

if you want a cure for the virus.

Wait. What virus?

My virus.

The one I created to destroy the internet.

Yeah.

That virus.

What you guys got to drink around this joint?

Gin.

Nah, I don't think I like gin.

It's not for you.

I wonder how much he knows about me?

I mean, about the girl.

About, ... you know,

the murder.

Never make it about you, Doug.

No good can come from it.

This hacker, he's dangerous

in a way I can't figure out.

Ya, know, I don't get that.

I mean, even if it's true.

No more internet, so what?

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I made a lot of money off the thing.

Destroying it would definitely be annoying, but ...

The internet is more important to human history than you can imagine.

The branches where it collapses ...

well, you've heard of the Dark Ages,

Yeah? - Worse.

What can I do to make you believe that we're real?

Easy ... go out that door

and go into the real world.

That tends to not work out so well.

I'm going to go have a look around out there.

Any advice.

Yeah, I'd say if you were real, don't go.

Okay kid,

where'd you hide your computer.

Wait, wait!

Hey! Look who's up.

I can't ... move ...

Yeah, a stunner will do that.

You'll get feeling in your arms and legs back ... in half an hour.

Tingles like a mother, though.

What is this?

Who are you? - Me, ...

nobody ...

just a web tech, bottom of the food chain.

That's not the interesting question.

The interesting question is ...

Who are you?

Because you're not from around here.

I'm Doug.

ooo, Doug.

Well, Doug, are soldier friends here are looking for a hacker.

They thought it might be you.

I took one look at you and it was like, no way.

How would you know that?

No plug, man.

Can't hack without a plug.

You've got, what we call, a virgin brain.

I have to fix that.

What do you mean, you have a computer in your brain?

Well, it's not like I'm special,

everybody has one.

After you're born, they wire you up,

so you're just plugged in. All the time.

And, that's why you want to destroy the internet.

I don't want to destroy the internet.

Look, I was recruited by the government when I was 10.

Military cyber-warfare.

But, what they don't tell you is,

the plugs work both ways.

They had me installing propoganda into people's heads.

Fake memories. Fake history.

When you're a kid, you don't know any better.

I don't want to do that any more.

I know how to beat the system.

So, ...

a couple of weeks ago, I just ...

hacked my way out.

I've been running ever since.

Well, where do you go now?

You got family?

Both my parents died.

I, ... but I have a sister.

I haven't seen her since I got recruited.

She'd be grown up now,

if she's still alive.

I've been trying to find her, but ...

But, if you're always plugged in,

... there's nowhere to hide.

My virus really doesn't destroy the internet,

it just kind a shuts down everybody's connection.

Everybody's locked down, only you don't know.

So, if the computer's in your head,

how did you create a virus?

I just code in my head.

Watch.

What are you doing?

I'm hacking my optic nerve,

so now, everytime I look at you, you're naked.

What? No!

Don't you do that! - No, no.

No, it was a joke. I was kidding. - Yeah!

You should know better.

Wow, for a program, you sure do get pissed.

Don't worry, I've done this procedure thousands of times

during the war.

What war?

What war??

THE war.

I guess it's hard to follow the news

when you don't have one of these.

You know, I actually put a lot of thought into this.

I'm just not an implant kind a guy, you know.

Yeah, but it's not one of your options.

Okay.

Here's how this works.

I'm gonna take your eyeball, suck it out of its socket

and core out some brain matter.

Stick the plug in and pop the eye back.

If all goes well,

6 to 8 months, you'll be able to go to the bathroom

by yourself, again.

Wait a second.

Ah, first,

I have to map your brain.

This can get a little ...

unpleasant.

Wait... Yeeooow!!!

Did you ... Oh no, don't.

Wait.

I saw something.

I remember.

Weird, that, huh. Stuff happens

when you synapses flare, all at once.

No. It was real.

She was talking to him.

They were working together.

I couldn't see his face.

Do it again!

Now, that is a first.

Somebody set me up.

I want to know who.

Show me!

We really should get this over with.

Get that thing away from me.

I told you, done this procedure successfully

dozens of times. - You said,

thousands. - Yeah, well, sometimes

it works. That's why you had it done when you were an infant, dumbass.

Do you know what the average success rate is on an adult?

4 percent. Do you know what my success rate is?

13 percent. Those are pretty good odds.

Not if you're in the other 87 percent.

This is the part of my job, I really don't like.

It gets pretty gross.

Doug's been gone too long.

I don't like it.

Someone needs to go look for him.

Me?

I thought we agreed that I wouldn't leave the bar.

These are extenuating circumstances.

(sighs) It's that bad.

Be careful.

(Computer voice) No signal found.

Try another protocol.

Make something up, if you have to.

(Computer replies) Okey, doke.

Well, you got your wish.

Really.

I'm stepping out into the real world.

(Dissappointedly) Oh, ... that wish.

I better go with you.

No, James and I both think it's best if you wait here.

It's not safe out there!

If you take me with you, I can help.

Remember before when I made you naked.

Uh, don't start it. - No, no, listen.

I can create a hack that'll make you completely invisible.

Well, invisible to anyone with a plug in their head.

It'll erase you out of their field of vision for about ...

well, 30 seconds.

First you're here, then you're not.

You can do that?

Clever little pervert.

Sit still. Your eyeball's going to burst.

Is that what you want?

What?

Nothing.

Get this over with.

Huh ... just can't get good equipment these days.

You still with us?

Still intact? - Good.

Who let you out?

I let myself out, thank you.

Aaaah.

So, this is for real.

He's Doug Jones?

Really?? - The one and only.

Come on, we have to keep moving.

(Doug groans)

What are you doing?

Nothing.

All right then, hurry up.

You took him? - I had to.

He helped me get Doug.

It's okay.

My luck held out.

Not exactly.

You released the virus.

Every internet connection in the world

just got severed.

(sighs) No, it's my fault.

At least there won't be any more propoganda zombies.

Yeah, but people will always

figure a way to get by.

Except in 2120.

Killing the internet is like shutting down a planet's nervous system.

Global commnication, food production,

the world economy, everything comes to a full stop.

The riots start in about 3 months.

Many, many people die.

Ah, it's not too late,

you can go back and release a cure.

No, if I do that, I'll never find my sister.

It's a hard choice, son.

Who knows how much longer she'll be around

after all the damage you caused.

What are you doing?

He's hacking.

Hacking what??

I'm not going anywhere.

Wow, ...

I got to give it to you guys, I mean,

I've seen some complex systems before,

but this thing ...

He hacked the bar.

I mean, how could he hack the bar?

I thought he was like, ...

magic.

Well, ... define magic.

Any suffiently advanced technology is indistinguishable

from magic.

That's your answer?

All right, I'll make you a deal.

You take me to my sister and I'll release a cure for the virus.

I'm sorry. We can't do that.

We have rules.

(scoffs) Fine. Forget it.

Two more minutes, I'll be able to pilot this thing myself.

What's that?

It's a failsafe.

What do you mean, like a self-destruct button?

Not exactly.

After I dial 9, 9 times,

they'll have our location.

Who will?

Doesn't matter, they'll come here,

take the bar and kill us all.

So, actually, I take it back.

You're right.

It is kind of a self-destruct button.

That's four 9's.

You're lying.

Why would you do that?

Because the universe is very delicate.

Our killers understand that.

They won't rip up the branches of time and space

on a whim.

You. You're a kid.

You have no appreciation for the consequences

of your actions,

That's seven 9s.

I'm with him.

Last ... 9.

You can still fix this.

I know you can think of a way.

I don't see how.

I knocked out the whole freaking internet.

I don't know where my sister is

and I don't know where to start.

You have to at least try.

I hear Maine is nice this time of year.

Maine??

Thanks.

Wait, we, ...

I have to know.

If I'm so famous, what happens when I get back?

No, Doug.

You never came back.

You're like, one of my favorite conspiracies of all time.

You just vanished.

For what it's worth,

I always though you were set up.

How am I looking?

(Computer voice) Not bad. The coast is clear.

Good.

Because, I had a thought.

After three days of complete world-wide shut down

an anti-virus is spreading like wildfire.

One unexpected side effect,

users now have the ability to connect and disconnect at will.

The best of both worlds.

He figured it out.

In other news, the government denies allegations of human memory tampering.

I'm a damn good poker player,

okay, but, I got to ask.

Between you and me.

James was bluffing about that phone call, right?

Between you and me,

don't bet on it.

Subtitles by josmndsn