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# You must remember this
2
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# A kiss is still a kiss
3
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# A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:20,807 --> 00:00:24,482
# The fundamental things apply
5
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# As time goes by #
6
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How did the interview go?
7
00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:38,525
She picked so many holes in me
I feel like an old cardigan.
8
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:40,364
Oh, dear. Sorry, Vikki.
9
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:43,877
- "She's nice," you said.
- Well, she usually is.
10
00:00:43,927 --> 00:00:48,398
Well, thanks for trying, but on the whole
I think I'd sooner work for Genghis Khan.
11
00:00:48,447 --> 00:00:52,076
- She is a bit out of sorts.
- That's a bit?
12
00:00:52,127 --> 00:00:54,436
Look, I'll have a quiet word later.
13
00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:58,366
No, thank you. Suddenly,
being unemployed has its compensations.
14
00:00:58,407 --> 00:01:01,444
Aww. Look, it's lunch in an hour.
15
00:01:01,487 --> 00:01:03,682
- Meet me over the road, eh?
- OK.
16
00:01:04,727 --> 00:01:08,481
If you don't turn up,
I'll look for you in the Jobcentre.
17
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:15,403
The good, the bad and the ugly.
18
00:01:15,447 --> 00:01:17,438
Thank you.
19
00:01:18,407 --> 00:01:20,762
Vikki said she'd sooner work for Genghis Khan.
20
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I didn't know he ran a secretarial agency.
21
00:01:24,527 --> 00:01:27,200
I can feel your eyes
boring into the top of my head.
22
00:01:27,247 --> 00:01:29,807
- If you want to say something, say it.
- All right.
23
00:01:29,847 --> 00:01:31,838
When are you and Lionel going to make up?
24
00:01:31,887 --> 00:01:35,516
Make up? We're not children
playing in a playground.
25
00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:37,603
Well, you're acting like it.
26
00:01:37,647 --> 00:01:39,717
My private life is none of your business.
27
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:43,237
No. Look, just because he doesn't want
to move into your house,
28
00:01:43,287 --> 00:01:47,405
and you don't want to move into his flat,
it shouldn't keep you apart, should it?
29
00:01:47,447 --> 00:01:51,679
- Well, it's certainly not bringing us together.
- Why don't you phone him up?
30
00:01:51,727 --> 00:01:53,445
All right. Suit yourself.
31
00:01:53,487 --> 00:01:54,681
Thank you.
32
00:02:00,007 --> 00:02:03,477
- Hi, Sandy.
- I'm thinking of joining the Royal Marines.
33
00:02:03,527 --> 00:02:05,483
I'm going for the Foreign Legion.
34
00:02:05,527 --> 00:02:08,599
You should have seen her
with her cornflakes this morning.
35
00:02:08,647 --> 00:02:11,957
She chewed them like
she was taking chunks out of Lionel's arm.
36
00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,406
Good luck.
37
00:02:13,447 --> 00:02:15,438
Oh, how nice of you to drop in.
38
00:02:16,487 --> 00:02:19,524
I had a dentist appointment, if you remember?
39
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:22,081
- Oh.
- I had a filling.
40
00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,524
I wish I'd stayed there.
41
00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:27,762
I wish I'd had a lot more fillings.
42
00:02:27,807 --> 00:02:31,083
- Without an anaesthetic.
- Aren't you being rather excessive?
43
00:02:31,127 --> 00:02:35,040
No, as a matter of fact, I don't think I am.
44
00:02:35,087 --> 00:02:37,157
Hello, Type For You, can I help?
45
00:02:37,207 --> 00:02:40,722
Hello, Aunt Penny. Yes, I'm fine.
46
00:02:41,567 --> 00:02:44,923
No, I'm not just struggling through,
I'm really fine.
47
00:02:44,967 --> 00:02:47,356
Mum? Yes, she's fine too.
48
00:02:47,407 --> 00:02:49,841
Do you want to speak to her?
49
00:02:49,887 --> 00:02:54,836
Yes, she is, and she's telling me
to get off the line, so I'll hand you over.
50
00:02:58,087 --> 00:03:00,965
Penny? Oh, how nice to hear you.
51
00:03:02,047 --> 00:03:04,322
Yeah, I'm fine. Yes, really.
52
00:03:05,247 --> 00:03:07,158
Lionel? Yes, he's fine.
53
00:03:07,207 --> 00:03:10,199
Really, yes. Yes, we're ab...
54
00:03:10,247 --> 00:03:13,159
Yes, of course we are. Like a house on fire.
55
00:03:13,207 --> 00:03:15,198
Yeah.
56
00:03:15,247 --> 00:03:16,839
Hello?
57
00:03:17,647 --> 00:03:19,444
Hello?
58
00:03:20,407 --> 00:03:21,522
We got cut off.
59
00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:26,277
If you were Pinocchio, your nose would be
sticking right out of that window by now.
60
00:03:26,327 --> 00:03:27,521
Oh!
61
00:03:28,407 --> 00:03:32,639
Oh, Mum, why do you always have to tell her
that your life is so perfect?
62
00:03:32,687 --> 00:03:35,565
Cos she's always so bloody sure it isn't.
63
00:03:35,607 --> 00:03:39,885
If she can't refer to me as "poor Jean"
every two minutes, she feels quite deprived.
64
00:03:39,927 --> 00:03:44,205
I assume that "like a house on fire"
referred to you and Lionel?
65
00:03:44,247 --> 00:03:45,805
Oh.
66
00:03:45,847 --> 00:03:49,556
Jean Pargetter. Oh, hello, Penny.
67
00:03:49,607 --> 00:03:51,598
Yes, the line went dead.
68
00:03:52,687 --> 00:03:54,803
What silly hotel switchboard?
69
00:03:57,127 --> 00:03:58,924
Ohhh.
70
00:03:58,967 --> 00:04:01,606
You're in London?
71
00:04:01,647 --> 00:04:03,638
Oh, how lovely.
72
00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:09,076
I have to say this. Your mothers' capable
of being very stupid at times.
73
00:04:09,127 --> 00:04:10,196
I know, I know.
74
00:04:10,247 --> 00:04:13,603
- What's so wrong with simply telling the truth?
- Well, she does.
75
00:04:13,647 --> 00:04:16,036
Huh. Like a house on fire!
76
00:04:16,087 --> 00:04:19,682
- Except to Aunt Penny, and she is Dad's sister.
- Yeah, I know that.
77
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:22,719
Sorry, but that's the reason
it gets so out of proportion.
78
00:04:22,767 --> 00:04:26,919
Ever since he died, she's been convinced
that Mum can never find happiness again.
79
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:28,719
Well, she hasn't, has she?
80
00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:33,636
She was doing all right until you two acted
like children about who moves in with who.
81
00:04:33,687 --> 00:04:36,076
I bought those cushions, you know.
82
00:04:36,127 --> 00:04:38,436
- What?
- Soften the place up a bit.
83
00:04:40,087 --> 00:04:44,922
Mum was throwing half her clothes away
to make some wardrobe space for you.
84
00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:46,878
What do you actually want me to do?
85
00:04:46,927 --> 00:04:49,919
- Just help her.
- What, tell a pack of lies?
86
00:04:49,967 --> 00:04:51,605
If you want to put it like that.
87
00:04:51,647 --> 00:04:53,956
Huh. There isn't any other way of putting it.
88
00:04:54,007 --> 00:04:57,682
Aunt Penny and her incredibly boring husband
are to turn up this evening
89
00:04:57,727 --> 00:05:00,480
and find Jean and me billing and cooing.
90
00:05:00,527 --> 00:05:02,279
- More or less.
- Mm.
91
00:05:02,327 --> 00:05:04,682
Which obviously needs my collusion.
92
00:05:04,727 --> 00:05:06,877
Look, Mum doesn't know I'm here.
93
00:05:08,327 --> 00:05:11,637
- I'm asking you.
- Now you're being disarming.
94
00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:13,279
I know.
95
00:05:14,927 --> 00:05:17,839
- What if I'm not there this evening?
- Mum will lie.
96
00:05:18,767 --> 00:05:21,281
Penny and Stephen think I'm a psychiatrist.
97
00:05:21,327 --> 00:05:23,761
- I know.
- She's responsible for that, as well.
98
00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:25,365
I know.
99
00:05:25,407 --> 00:05:29,480
All I said when we stayed down there was,
"I don't want to talk about the book."
100
00:05:29,527 --> 00:05:32,519
- The next thing I know, I'm a psychiatrist!
- I know.
101
00:05:34,087 --> 00:05:36,476
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
102
00:05:36,527 --> 00:05:39,678
- You can't let her down.
- Oh-ho-ho, the way I feel...
103
00:05:39,727 --> 00:05:41,604
Oh, no, you can't.
104
00:05:43,207 --> 00:05:45,277
Tell her I'll be there.
105
00:05:48,647 --> 00:05:51,605
I could almost fall in love with you
myself sometimes.
106
00:05:51,647 --> 00:05:56,118
I think your mother's made life complicated
enough for the moment, don't you?
107
00:05:58,287 --> 00:06:01,199
I'm surprised she even
lets you have a lunch break.
108
00:06:01,247 --> 00:06:04,364
I keep telling you,
you just caught her on a bad day.
109
00:06:04,407 --> 00:06:07,240
Seem to catch most people
in my life on a bad day.
110
00:06:07,287 --> 00:06:11,439
- Oh, come on, Vikki. We've all had that...
- Uh-oh. Genghis has come to get you.
111
00:06:11,487 --> 00:06:13,125
Shh!
112
00:06:16,327 --> 00:06:18,397
I'm sorry to interrupt.
113
00:06:18,447 --> 00:06:20,085
Look, Miss Kyle.
114
00:06:20,127 --> 00:06:24,518
I won't excuse my behaviour to you this
morning because it was totally inexcusable.
115
00:06:24,567 --> 00:06:28,480
But I would like to apologise and
do what I should have done in the first place,
116
00:06:28,527 --> 00:06:30,165
and that's put you on our books.
117
00:06:30,207 --> 00:06:32,163
I hope you're agreeable.
118
00:06:32,207 --> 00:06:34,004
Very. Thank you.
119
00:06:34,047 --> 00:06:37,244
- Good.
- I told you she's usually nice.
120
00:06:41,207 --> 00:06:43,926
Oh, er, just a thought.
121
00:06:44,927 --> 00:06:46,724
If you sprained an ankle,
122
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:48,758
would you be admitted to hospital?
123
00:06:48,807 --> 00:06:52,083
Er... are you asking about my medical insurance?
124
00:06:52,127 --> 00:06:55,483
Oh, no. Not your ankle.
Anybody's ankle. Just a casual thought.
125
00:06:55,527 --> 00:06:58,325
Oh, erm... Oh, well, I don't really know.
126
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:00,483
You certainly would if you broke an ankle.
127
00:07:00,527 --> 00:07:02,518
Yes, you would, wouldn't you?
128
00:07:03,607 --> 00:07:05,598
Of course you would.
129
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:08,364
Yes.
130
00:07:11,407 --> 00:07:14,160
Why did she ask about broken ankles?
131
00:07:15,047 --> 00:07:17,436
I think I'll have a Danish pastry.
132
00:07:18,887 --> 00:07:20,878
Taxi!
133
00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:31,160
Drop you somewhere, miss?
134
00:07:31,207 --> 00:07:34,643
I don't believe you.
Where did you come from?
135
00:07:34,687 --> 00:07:37,201
Weird thing, that. I was sitting in my office,
136
00:07:37,247 --> 00:07:41,035
and this voice suddenly said,
"Alistair. Alistair Deacon.
137
00:07:41,087 --> 00:07:44,124
"Somewhere out there is an angel in distress."
138
00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:47,125
- And here I am.
- I don't believe a word of that.
139
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:53,037
The other version is that I was on my way to
Gatwick and there you were. Still magic, isn't it?
140
00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:56,965
- Where are you going?
- Edinburgh. To see a Swede.
141
00:07:57,007 --> 00:08:00,966
- I thought Swedes came from Sweden.
- Not this one. He's a golf freak. Hop in.
142
00:08:01,007 --> 00:08:03,521
Oh, thanks, but Edinburgh's not my direction.
143
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:06,001
Think positively. Why shouldn't it be?
144
00:08:06,047 --> 00:08:10,484
This guy won't take long. I'll do the biz,
tell him there's still time to get a round in,
145
00:08:10,527 --> 00:08:12,404
and he'll be off like a Swedish shot.
146
00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:14,677
Leaving the rest of the day for you and me.
147
00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:18,003
- Life's not like that.
- It's supposed to be.
148
00:08:18,047 --> 00:08:21,119
- I'm supposed to be at work.
- Now, don't be dull.
149
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,964
- I am tempted.
- Excellent.
150
00:08:23,007 --> 00:08:25,567
- When will we be back?
- Tonight.
151
00:08:25,607 --> 00:08:28,565
- Tomorrow.
- I'm not sure that you're a good idea.
152
00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:31,679
Modesty forbids me commenting. Come on!
153
00:08:31,727 --> 00:08:33,445
Oh, why not?
154
00:08:33,487 --> 00:08:35,637
- I've earned it today.
- Monster.
155
00:08:35,687 --> 00:08:37,678
Oh, I must phone Mum.
156
00:08:38,647 --> 00:08:40,126
Be my guest.
157
00:08:51,647 --> 00:08:54,525
Please be Penny.
Please say you're not coming tonight.
158
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,364
Hi, Mum.
159
00:08:56,407 --> 00:08:59,160
I rang the officebut Sandy said you'd gone home.
160
00:08:59,207 --> 00:09:03,644
Sorry I didn't come in this afternoon,but I met Alistair and we're going to Edinburghl
161
00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:06,076
- Oh.
- With innocent intentions.
162
00:09:06,127 --> 00:09:10,643
Shut up. Look, Mum, aboutAunt Penny and Uncle Stephen this evening.
163
00:09:10,687 --> 00:09:14,043
There's no need to worry, because...
164
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,078
Hello? Hello?
165
00:09:17,447 --> 00:09:20,723
Ohhh! Ohhh.
166
00:09:26,407 --> 00:09:28,602
May I help, sir?
167
00:09:28,647 --> 00:09:31,559
Er, yes. I'm looking for something on psychiatry.
168
00:09:31,607 --> 00:09:34,644
I see. Any particular branch of same?
169
00:09:34,687 --> 00:09:37,360
Good God, no, I don't want anything
too complicated.
170
00:09:37,407 --> 00:09:40,797
Just something that sets out
some general terms of reference.
171
00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:44,920
- Preferably in about ten pages.
- I don't think we have anything like that, sir.
172
00:09:44,967 --> 00:09:47,197
No, I didn't really think you would.
173
00:09:47,247 --> 00:09:50,364
I've got to bone up on it
in about two hours, you see.
174
00:09:50,407 --> 00:09:53,205
Two hours to bone up on psychiatry?
175
00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:55,886
Yes. I'm supposed to be one.
176
00:09:59,407 --> 00:10:01,398
I see, sir.
177
00:10:01,447 --> 00:10:04,325
No, you don't, actually.
And it's far too long a story.
178
00:10:04,367 --> 00:10:06,437
This has been going on for some time?
179
00:10:06,487 --> 00:10:08,876
Mm. Far too long.
180
00:10:08,927 --> 00:10:12,237
And you wouldn't believe
why I'm supposed to be one if I told you.
181
00:10:12,287 --> 00:10:14,084
You're not going to, are you, sir?
182
00:10:14,927 --> 00:10:16,918
No. Well, thanks all the same.
183
00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:20,600
I'll just bluff. If in doubt, bluff.
184
00:10:20,647 --> 00:10:22,842
- Oh, good idea.
- Yes.
185
00:10:22,887 --> 00:10:24,878
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye, sir.
186
00:10:24,927 --> 00:10:29,478
Oh. Incidentally, have you sold many copies
187
00:10:29,527 --> 00:10:32,485
of a book called My Life In Kenya
by Lionel Hardcastle?
188
00:10:32,527 --> 00:10:35,280
- One or two, sir.
- I see.
189
00:10:35,327 --> 00:10:38,956
I'm a big-game hunter on the cover of that.
190
00:10:42,127 --> 00:10:43,606
Of course.
191
00:10:44,607 --> 00:10:46,837
Oh!
192
00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:48,878
Here we go.
193
00:10:56,447 --> 00:11:00,156
- Oh! Penny.
- Jean! How lovely to see you.
194
00:11:00,207 --> 00:11:02,562
Oh. You look rather drawn.
195
00:11:02,607 --> 00:11:05,121
- Doesn't she look drawn, Stephen?
- Well...
196
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:08,443
Of course she does.
Now, where's that lovely man of yours?
197
00:11:08,487 --> 00:11:11,001
- Hello, Stephen.
- I don't think you look drawn.
198
00:11:11,047 --> 00:11:13,038
Oh, thank you. Do go in.
199
00:11:14,727 --> 00:11:16,763
So? Where is he?
200
00:11:16,807 --> 00:11:19,367
Come on, now, where are you hiding him?
201
00:11:19,407 --> 00:11:21,796
- Lionel?
- Well, of course Lionel.
202
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:25,442
- I'm not hiding him anywhere. He's not here.
- This room's changed.
203
00:11:25,487 --> 00:11:28,684
Stephen, you say that
about every room you walk into.
204
00:11:28,727 --> 00:11:30,445
There is something different.
205
00:11:30,487 --> 00:11:32,557
Oh, he's going to be like a dog with a bone.
206
00:11:32,607 --> 00:11:34,438
This. This wasn't here.
207
00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:37,797
No, no, You're quite right. It wasn't.
It's Lionel's chair.
208
00:11:37,847 --> 00:11:40,680
Oh, I see. But Lionel's not here.
209
00:11:40,727 --> 00:11:42,524
Er... not at the moment, no.
210
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:44,683
Oh. Seeing a patient, presumably?
211
00:11:44,727 --> 00:11:47,366
- Er... no.
- Actually, I've always wondered.
212
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:50,956
Do psychiatrists call
their patients "patients", or what?
213
00:11:51,007 --> 00:11:52,804
So where is Lionel, Jean?
214
00:11:54,807 --> 00:11:57,367
Well... Well...
215
00:11:57,407 --> 00:12:00,001
- To tell you the truth...
- Oh, dear.
216
00:12:00,047 --> 00:12:03,483
- What?
- Going to tell me something sad, aren't you?
217
00:12:03,527 --> 00:12:06,439
I can see it in your face. Poor Jean.
218
00:12:07,247 --> 00:12:11,206
No, actually, not sad at all, just very unlucky.
Lionel's broken his ankle.
219
00:12:11,247 --> 00:12:13,044
- Poor old chap.
- When?
220
00:12:13,687 --> 00:12:18,078
Today. He phoned, he went to casualty
and they've admitted him overnight.
221
00:12:18,127 --> 00:12:21,005
- Poor old chap.
- How did he break his ankle?
222
00:12:21,047 --> 00:12:23,197
- Playing golf.
- Poor old...
223
00:12:23,247 --> 00:12:25,841
Yeah, yeah, all right, Stephen, thanks.
224
00:12:26,807 --> 00:12:28,684
I didn't know he played golf.
225
00:12:28,727 --> 00:12:32,163
Oh, yes, he can't get enough of it,
he's absolutely mad about it.
226
00:12:32,207 --> 00:12:35,119
- Are you going back to Hampshire tonight?
- Afraid not.
227
00:12:35,167 --> 00:12:38,603
We've got to stay a couple of nights.
I'm at a dental conference.
228
00:12:38,647 --> 00:12:41,480
Yes, all V boring.
229
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,245
But I'm shopping.
230
00:12:43,287 --> 00:12:45,164
I do hope were going to see Lionel.
231
00:12:45,207 --> 00:12:47,801
Well, that depends on things, obviously.
232
00:12:47,847 --> 00:12:50,441
- What things?
- Well, his ankle, mainly.
233
00:12:50,487 --> 00:12:52,921
Ah, yes.
234
00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:56,642
Oh. Excuse me.
Oh, will you help yourself to the drinks?
235
00:13:00,887 --> 00:13:03,321
- Hello.
- What are you doing here?
236
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:06,278
Flying in the face of reason.
237
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,682
Shh! Penny and Stephen are here.
238
00:13:08,727 --> 00:13:11,560
That's what I mean.
Didn't Judith tell you I was coming?
239
00:13:11,607 --> 00:13:13,677
No. Oh, Lord.
240
00:13:13,727 --> 00:13:16,639
She left a message on the machine
but it went peculiar.
241
00:13:16,687 --> 00:13:18,359
I assume we'll be doing the same.
242
00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:21,197
- I am in rather deep.
- Well, come on, then.
243
00:13:21,247 --> 00:13:24,364
Let's pursue the fiction
that two heads are better than one.
244
00:13:24,407 --> 00:13:26,762
- Oh, thanks for coming.
- Thank Judith.
245
00:13:28,487 --> 00:13:30,478
- Oh, wait.
- What?
246
00:13:30,527 --> 00:13:32,518
You've broken an ankle.
247
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:36,237
I suppose it's pointless to ask why?
248
00:13:36,287 --> 00:13:38,118
Well, I had to explain your absence.
249
00:13:38,167 --> 00:13:40,965
- You could have said I was out of the country.
- I could.
250
00:13:41,007 --> 00:13:43,282
- But why go for the obvious?
- Oh, just limp.
251
00:13:43,327 --> 00:13:45,887
- Which leg?
- I don't know! Just limp!
252
00:13:48,047 --> 00:13:50,038
- Look who's here!
- Oh!
253
00:13:51,127 --> 00:13:53,800
- Lionel!
- Jean said you were in hospital.
254
00:13:53,847 --> 00:13:57,157
Did she? Yes, well, I was, but they let me out.
255
00:13:57,207 --> 00:14:00,961
- Shouldn't you be on crutches or something?
- Yes, he... he left them.
256
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,759
- Er... at the hospital.
- Oh, yes.
257
00:14:02,807 --> 00:14:05,526
It wasn't broken after all.
It was just a sprain.
258
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:07,558
Oh, isn't that good news?
259
00:14:07,607 --> 00:14:10,485
- You'd better sit down, though.
- Yes, I think I should.
260
00:14:10,527 --> 00:14:11,721
- Oh, Stephen!
- What?
261
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,884
- Lionel's chair.
- Yes. Oh, sorry.
262
00:14:16,167 --> 00:14:17,885
- There.
- Sit down.
263
00:14:17,927 --> 00:14:21,078
- Oh!
- Oh. Aww.
264
00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:23,960
- Put your foot up, love.
- Thanks, love.
265
00:14:26,767 --> 00:14:29,042
- Ah.
- Drink, love?
266
00:14:30,087 --> 00:14:32,078
Yes, I think I will.
267
00:14:33,127 --> 00:14:36,358
- Lionel's glass.
- Aaah. Ha, ha.
268
00:14:36,407 --> 00:14:39,205
So, how'd you do it, Lionel? Come off the swing?
269
00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:41,807
- Swing?
- At golf.
270
00:14:42,447 --> 00:14:44,722
Oh. No, I don't actually...
271
00:14:46,327 --> 00:14:48,682
...remember, I just...
- He just fell.
272
00:14:48,727 --> 00:14:50,080
- Yes. Fell.
- Yes.
273
00:14:50,127 --> 00:14:54,803
That's what I mean. You come off the swing
at golf, you're certainly off-balance, thus.
274
00:14:54,847 --> 00:14:56,997
Oh, sorry.
275
00:14:57,047 --> 00:15:00,084
Stephen, do stop windmilling about.
276
00:15:00,127 --> 00:15:02,322
Heads will roll, presumably?
277
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:04,358
- Whose heads?
- At the hospital.
278
00:15:04,407 --> 00:15:08,446
I mean, diagnosing a fracture
and then it turning out to be a sprain.
279
00:15:08,487 --> 00:15:12,526
I mean, as a psychiatrist, you must carry
some sort of clout, presumably?
280
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:16,242
- Yes, I suppose I must.
- Access to people upstairs?
281
00:15:16,287 --> 00:15:19,563
- Erm...
- Lionel is not a vindictive man.
282
00:15:19,607 --> 00:15:22,519
He's too soft-hearted sometimes,
aren't you, Lionel?
283
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,523
Yes, I suppose I must be.
284
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:27,001
- Didn't know you were a golf nut.
- Didn't you?
285
00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:28,036
Where do you play?
286
00:15:28,087 --> 00:15:30,601
- Erm...
- Please. Stop it immediately, you two.
287
00:15:30,647 --> 00:15:33,400
I find golf almost as boring as dentistry.
288
00:15:33,447 --> 00:15:35,563
Dentistry is a living.
289
00:15:35,607 --> 00:15:37,882
I'm aware of that, Stephen.
290
00:15:37,927 --> 00:15:40,600
But it's not an enlivening topic of conversation.
291
00:15:40,647 --> 00:15:42,717
Whereas, psychiatry...
292
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,997
Oh, yes. Fair dos, of course, yes.
293
00:15:45,047 --> 00:15:47,766
- The human mind, eh?
- Yes, indeed.
294
00:15:47,807 --> 00:15:51,038
- Fascinating thing, isn't it?
- Endlessly.
295
00:15:51,087 --> 00:15:54,716
Tell me, Lionel. Are you a Jungian at heart?
296
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:59,761
- Look, Penny, there's something I should...
- Good heavens! I've just remembered.
297
00:15:59,807 --> 00:16:02,116
- I have a class tonight.
- What sort of class?
298
00:16:02,167 --> 00:16:05,079
Judo. I've taken up judo, haven't I, Lionel?
299
00:16:05,127 --> 00:16:08,005
- Yes, she's taken up judo.
- How extraordinary.
300
00:16:08,047 --> 00:16:11,756
And I have a class tonight. Soon!
Went completely out of my mind.
301
00:16:11,807 --> 00:16:14,719
- Lionel's ankle, I suppose.
- Oh, yes. Oh, I'm sorry.
302
00:16:14,767 --> 00:16:19,124
Look, now, I do hope were going to spend one
evening together whilst we're in London.
303
00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:22,477
- Well, of course, we'd like to, but...
- Tomorrow.
304
00:16:22,527 --> 00:16:24,324
Erm, let's make it tomorrow.
305
00:16:24,367 --> 00:16:27,359
Oh, great, that'll suit us.
Fine.
306
00:16:27,407 --> 00:16:30,763
- Tomorrow at eight, then.
- We'll look forward to it.
307
00:16:30,807 --> 00:16:31,796
Oh.
308
00:16:31,847 --> 00:16:35,078
You know, Jean,
I still think you look a little drawn.
309
00:16:35,127 --> 00:16:39,200
But still, things do finally seem to have taken
a turn for the better, don't they?
310
00:16:39,247 --> 00:16:43,081
- I suppose they had to, eventually.
- Well, I'm glad, I really am.
311
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:46,119
Come along, Stephen.
You're bumbling about again.
312
00:16:46,167 --> 00:16:47,759
Coming.
313
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:50,446
Erm, look here. I know this is a fearful cheek,
314
00:16:50,487 --> 00:16:54,799
but do you think Lionel would mind if I seized
some opportunity to see him privately?
315
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:59,045
- I'm sure he wouldn't.
- Oh, first-class. I'll pay the fee, of course.
316
00:16:59,087 --> 00:17:01,078
Fee?
317
00:17:01,127 --> 00:17:04,164
Yes. I meant, privately and professionally.
318
00:17:13,287 --> 00:17:14,720
Erm... Lionel...
319
00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,725
I knew I was going
to start the evening as a psychiatrist
320
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:21,760
but give you a few minutes and
I'm a golf-mad psychiatrist with a broken ankle.
321
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:24,002
- Sprained.
- That was mine.
322
00:17:24,047 --> 00:17:27,119
- You did it very well.
- Well, its becoming second nature.
323
00:17:27,167 --> 00:17:30,876
- I don't know why I said judo classes.
- I'd stopped wondering by then.
324
00:17:30,927 --> 00:17:33,600
- Well, it did get rid of them.
- Yes, it did.
325
00:17:33,647 --> 00:17:36,878
We were home and dry and then you
fixed us up for tomorrow night.
326
00:17:36,927 --> 00:17:39,395
- Why? Why?
- I don't know.
327
00:17:39,447 --> 00:17:41,756
If you want to cry off, I shall understand.
328
00:17:41,807 --> 00:17:44,162
How about a broken neck this time?
329
00:17:44,207 --> 00:17:46,402
Look, I know its not fair.
330
00:17:46,447 --> 00:17:50,235
Especially when I'm asking you
to sustain the biggest lie of all,
331
00:17:50,287 --> 00:17:54,758
that you and I are... fine, well, close,
when we can't even commit to living together.
332
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,321
That's just geographical.
333
00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,482
Oh!
334
00:17:59,767 --> 00:18:01,962
I've missed you all week, you know.
335
00:18:02,007 --> 00:18:04,475
Oh. I've missed you.
336
00:18:05,927 --> 00:18:09,124
- I'd like to take you out to dinner.
- Hm. Why?
337
00:18:09,167 --> 00:18:12,637
To thank you for turning up
like the White Knight.
338
00:18:12,687 --> 00:18:14,484
- Hardly white.
- Hm.
339
00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:17,439
- Where are you buying me this dinner?
- Well, I'd change,
340
00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:20,320
and take you somewhere very monster,
as Alistair says.
341
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:22,562
Or I we can go somewhere cheap and cheerful.
342
00:18:22,607 --> 00:18:25,565
- I'm hungry. Cheap and cheerful.
- Just round the corner.
343
00:18:25,607 --> 00:18:28,360
- Good. I don't want to walk far on this ankle.
- No.
344
00:18:29,687 --> 00:18:31,723
- Erm, Lionel?
- Hm?
345
00:18:32,567 --> 00:18:36,162
Erm... I'll tell you tomorrow.
346
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:39,919
At breakfast?
347
00:18:39,967 --> 00:18:42,276
Yes. Breakfast.
348
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,595
- Please, Lionel.
- No.
349
00:18:48,647 --> 00:18:51,923
Look, you can follow me around all day
on your knees, if you like,
350
00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:55,118
- but I'm not treating Stephen.
- Nobody mentioned treating.
351
00:18:55,167 --> 00:18:57,158
He just wants to talk to you.
352
00:18:57,207 --> 00:18:59,846
In my professional capacity as a psychiatrist?
353
00:18:59,887 --> 00:19:03,118
Yes, but I didn't know
he meant that till it was too late.
354
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:07,399
Presumably, if he'd asked you for a judo lesson,
you'd have given him one, would you?
355
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,483
Of course not, I don't know about judo.
356
00:19:09,527 --> 00:19:11,802
I don't know anything about psychiatry!
357
00:19:11,847 --> 00:19:17,717
It's much easier to pretend to be a psychiatrist
than it is to pretend to be a judo player.
358
00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,917
That's an extraordinary claim.
359
00:19:19,967 --> 00:19:24,119
Look, a girlfriend of mine has been
to a psychiatrist once a week for months.
360
00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:26,362
And she can hardly get a peep out of him.
361
00:19:26,407 --> 00:19:29,240
He thinks she ought to work
her own solution out,
362
00:19:29,287 --> 00:19:32,040
so he just listens and says, "I see" a lot.
363
00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:35,477
- She pays him for this, does she?
- Yes, she says it's doing her good.
364
00:19:35,527 --> 00:19:37,643
Unloading her problems is doing her good.
365
00:19:37,687 --> 00:19:39,643
- Months, you say?
- Almost a year.
366
00:19:39,687 --> 00:19:41,678
I'm not seeing Stephen every week.
367
00:19:41,727 --> 00:19:43,922
Look, he just wants a chat.
368
00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:46,003
I am not messing about with his mind.
369
00:19:46,047 --> 00:19:48,686
Let's face it,
there's not much to mess about with.
370
00:19:48,727 --> 00:19:50,126
That's not the point.
371
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:54,046
If you'd told him I was a surgeon, you wouldn't
ask me to take his appendix out.
372
00:19:54,087 --> 00:19:57,397
Oh, come on,
credit me with a bit of common sense.
373
00:19:57,447 --> 00:19:59,722
That'll be Stephen.
374
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,406
- What?
- Well...
375
00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:07,043
When you were in the bath, he rang and I said
to come at ten. Best to get it over with.
376
00:20:07,087 --> 00:20:10,079
This is the unfairest thing
anyone's done to me. I mean, done.
377
00:20:10,127 --> 00:20:11,162
Yes, I know.
378
00:20:13,327 --> 00:20:15,887
- Hello, Stephen.
- Oh, good morning.
379
00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:20,885
- Lionel, this is awfully good of you.
- Huh. Oh, come in, Stephen. Erm...
380
00:20:20,927 --> 00:20:24,522
- Go through, I'll be with you in a minute.
- Right.
381
00:20:24,567 --> 00:20:26,762
- Now, Lionel. Please...
- Er...
382
00:20:26,807 --> 00:20:28,798
Have you just had a session?
383
00:20:28,847 --> 00:20:31,600
- Yes, we have.
- Oh, splendid.
384
00:20:33,487 --> 00:20:35,239
- See you.
- You can't do this to me.
385
00:20:35,287 --> 00:20:38,802
Oh, I know, I know.
Please. Please. Lionel. Please.
386
00:20:41,167 --> 00:20:43,158
Look, Stephen, I...
387
00:20:43,207 --> 00:20:45,004
Oh.
388
00:20:45,047 --> 00:20:47,561
This is where you want me, is it?
389
00:20:47,607 --> 00:20:49,837
- Yes, that'll do.
- Uh.
390
00:20:49,887 --> 00:20:53,516
Must say, this is very relaxing.
It's not at all like a consulting room.
391
00:20:53,567 --> 00:20:55,364
It's more like a home, really.
392
00:20:55,407 --> 00:20:57,045
- I see.
- Pardon?
393
00:20:57,087 --> 00:21:00,557
I said, "I see." I'd just listened
to what you had to say.
394
00:21:00,607 --> 00:21:04,236
Oh. Was it significant?
395
00:21:04,287 --> 00:21:06,517
- Not really, no.
- Oh.
396
00:21:06,567 --> 00:21:10,685
Er, look, Lionel, I think the bull
in a china shop's the best approach.
397
00:21:10,727 --> 00:21:13,241
I'll charge in
and you tell me if I'm going wrong.
398
00:21:13,287 --> 00:21:14,720
I see.
399
00:21:16,007 --> 00:21:21,035
The thing is this. I'm starting to have
sexual fantasies about my dental nurse.
400
00:21:23,727 --> 00:21:26,844
Oh, not that I'd ever betray Penny, of course.
401
00:21:26,887 --> 00:21:30,766
Oh, no, we're very fond of each other
in our funny old way.
402
00:21:30,807 --> 00:21:32,798
I'll be honest, I...
403
00:21:32,847 --> 00:21:38,240
I don't really believe that Miss Breeze is
offering me the slightest encouragement...
404
00:21:38,287 --> 00:21:40,278
...all in my head, you see.
405
00:21:40,327 --> 00:21:41,965
Thoughts.
406
00:21:42,007 --> 00:21:44,601
Well, I suppose they would be, really.
407
00:21:44,647 --> 00:21:50,085
I mean, the other day, Miss Breeze and I
were moulding some dentures
408
00:21:50,127 --> 00:21:56,123
and I... I had the strangest idea that we were
making bread together in a cottage in Greece.
409
00:21:57,487 --> 00:22:01,560
Tell me honestly, do you think
I'm turning into some sort of pervert?
410
00:22:01,607 --> 00:22:04,485
- Stephen, I am not a psychiatrist.
- What?
411
00:22:05,567 --> 00:22:08,764
I am not a psychiatrist.
412
00:22:09,447 --> 00:22:12,564
"I am not a psychiatrist."
413
00:22:15,287 --> 00:22:17,596
Of course!
414
00:22:17,647 --> 00:22:21,196
- I see what you're saying. God, it's brilliant.
- What?
415
00:22:21,247 --> 00:22:24,683
You're... you're rejecting easy handles,
aren't you?
416
00:22:24,727 --> 00:22:29,676
You're actually saying, "I'm not a psychiatrist.
I'm just someone who listens."
417
00:22:30,487 --> 00:22:32,876
And therefore what you're saying to me is,
418
00:22:32,927 --> 00:22:38,320
"Stephen, you're not a pervert. You're just a
man who's having the odd flight of fantasy."
419
00:22:38,367 --> 00:22:41,165
Talk about putting things in proportion.
420
00:22:41,207 --> 00:22:43,596
I see.
421
00:22:43,647 --> 00:22:48,437
My dear fellow, I cannot thank you enough.
You've lifted a great weight off my shoulders.
422
00:22:48,487 --> 00:22:50,523
- Good.
- Good?
423
00:22:50,567 --> 00:22:55,038
Lionel, if you're not at the very top of the tree
in your profession I'd like to know who is.
424
00:22:55,087 --> 00:22:59,319
- You'll send me your account?
- No, no, no. Have this one on me.
425
00:22:59,367 --> 00:23:01,642
I'm eternally grateful, old chap.
426
00:23:01,687 --> 00:23:04,247
- "I'm not a psychiatrist."
- Mm.
427
00:23:04,287 --> 00:23:08,200
It's brilliant!
I'll see you this evening, of course.
428
00:23:08,247 --> 00:23:10,886
- Of course.
- Goodbye. And thanks again.
429
00:23:10,927 --> 00:23:12,918
Goodbye, Stephen.
430
00:23:15,967 --> 00:23:17,605
So, when are you setting up in practice?
431
00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:21,401
Tomorrow, if I can guarantee all the patients
are as dotty as Stephen.
432
00:23:21,447 --> 00:23:23,915
- You've been very good about this.
- Not really.
433
00:23:23,967 --> 00:23:26,800
I cracked. I told him the truth
and he didn't believe me.
434
00:23:26,847 --> 00:23:30,237
- Wonderful.
- It's not wonderful at all. It's stupid, all of it.
435
00:23:30,287 --> 00:23:32,323
Well, we've got away with it.
436
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:35,040
You sound like a schoolgirl
sniggering behind the gym.
437
00:23:35,087 --> 00:23:37,965
- We've only got this evening to go.
- Yes.
438
00:23:38,007 --> 00:23:41,124
Give us a few more hours
and what else will we have invented?
439
00:23:41,167 --> 00:23:45,365
Will I be a part-time trapeze artist?
Will you have been a missionary in the Congo?
440
00:23:45,407 --> 00:23:48,365
Oh. Come on.
We're not inventing lies for the sake of it.
441
00:23:48,407 --> 00:23:53,276
No. It's all based on the fact that for some
reason, you can't tell your sister-in-law
442
00:23:53,327 --> 00:23:56,239
that you loved me
long before you married her brother.
443
00:23:56,287 --> 00:23:57,720
Oh.
444
00:23:57,767 --> 00:24:00,406
I'll let 'em in. I won't forget the limp.
445
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:07,518
Penny.
Lionel, hi.
446
00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:10,206
- Shall I go in?
- Yes, do. Hello, Stephen.
447
00:24:10,247 --> 00:24:15,241
Look, I'm so sorry we're late but Stephen got
stuck with a seminar on dental hygiene.
448
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:17,562
- That's all right.
- Where's Lionel?
449
00:24:17,607 --> 00:24:20,599
- He's gone to the kitchen.
- Oh. Right, well, do sit down.
450
00:24:20,647 --> 00:24:23,525
- I'll pour us a drink.
- I'll do that. Two G and Ts?
451
00:24:23,567 --> 00:24:26,957
Just a quickie, and then we must all
get off to the restaurant.
452
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:30,886
Erm, Jean. Call me nosy,
but I've been dying to ask.
453
00:24:30,927 --> 00:24:33,157
Are you and Lionel living together now?
454
00:24:33,207 --> 00:24:35,198
Well, of course we...
455
00:24:37,887 --> 00:24:39,479
No.
456
00:24:39,527 --> 00:24:41,279
No, we're not.
457
00:24:41,327 --> 00:24:44,205
- Are we, Lionel?
- Are we what?
458
00:24:45,687 --> 00:24:47,962
- We're not living together.
- Aren't we?
459
00:24:48,007 --> 00:24:50,567
- No.
- Well, you don't seem very sure.
460
00:24:51,767 --> 00:24:56,636
Well, I am. And there's something else, Penny,
that you ought to know.
461
00:24:56,687 --> 00:24:59,042
You were fibbing about that judo, weren't you?
462
00:24:59,087 --> 00:25:02,045
- Yes, I was.
- Good Lord.
463
00:25:02,087 --> 00:25:04,806
But that wasn't the biggest fib.
464
00:25:04,847 --> 00:25:07,964
Lionel and I didn't meet on the dodgems
a few months ago.
465
00:25:09,367 --> 00:25:12,086
We met 38 years ago, before I met David.
466
00:25:12,127 --> 00:25:14,561
And we didn't just meet. We fell in love.
467
00:25:14,607 --> 00:25:18,156
You were having an affair all the time
you were married to my brother?
468
00:25:18,207 --> 00:25:21,961
No, don't be soppy. We lost touch,
never thought we'd see each other again.
469
00:25:22,007 --> 00:25:26,205
So you actually met
on the dodgems 38 years ago?
470
00:25:28,287 --> 00:25:30,198
Have a peanut, Stephen.
471
00:25:30,247 --> 00:25:33,000
But... why on earth go to such lengths?
472
00:25:33,047 --> 00:25:35,197
- I mean, I'm not a monster.
- I know.
473
00:25:35,247 --> 00:25:37,807
- It's me, I'm stupid.
- No, it's not.
474
00:25:38,967 --> 00:25:43,199
She never told David because she didn't want
to hurt him. So she never told you.
475
00:25:43,247 --> 00:25:46,603
And then after his death,
you were so sure that I couldn't survive
476
00:25:46,647 --> 00:25:51,163
and that I would never be adequate, and I got
so tired of being "poor Jean" all the time,
477
00:25:51,207 --> 00:25:55,962
and then you met Lionel and I thought,
"Oh, blow it. I'll show her just how happy I am."
478
00:25:56,007 --> 00:25:57,998
But you're not.
479
00:25:58,047 --> 00:26:00,038
Not at the moment, no.
480
00:26:00,767 --> 00:26:04,476
- I've been a complete fool.
- Both of us, actually.
481
00:26:04,527 --> 00:26:07,519
That's why I've decided to move in.
482
00:26:07,567 --> 00:26:09,762
Two fools together.
483
00:26:11,647 --> 00:26:13,638
If that's all right.
484
00:26:14,727 --> 00:26:16,399
Yes, it's all right.
485
00:26:17,087 --> 00:26:19,760
Well, I don't know what to say.
I'm very confused.
486
00:26:20,647 --> 00:26:23,559
- I'm not.
- Oh, don't be so silly.
487
00:26:23,607 --> 00:26:27,520
Really. Either way, I think we should
all drink up and go and eat, don't you?
488
00:26:27,567 --> 00:26:29,558
- Yes.
- Quite right.
489
00:26:29,607 --> 00:26:33,043
I'll just go and powder my nose
and take an aspirin.
490
00:26:34,807 --> 00:26:36,638
Oh, Stephen, I have to ask.
491
00:26:36,687 --> 00:26:38,678
Why aren't you confused?
492
00:26:38,727 --> 00:26:43,847
Look, I know how old Penny thought of David.
Matchless.
493
00:26:43,887 --> 00:26:47,516
Well, he wasn't.
Damned nice bloke, but not matchless.
494
00:26:47,567 --> 00:26:50,604
And now you've finally convinced her,
and a good thing too,
495
00:26:50,647 --> 00:26:54,003
with this wonderful fiction
that you actually met 38 years ago.
496
00:26:54,047 --> 00:26:58,279
Brilliant. I detect
your professional acumen in this, Lionel.
497
00:26:58,927 --> 00:27:02,806
- Stephen, it's the truth.
- All right. Pull the other one, old chap.
498
00:27:02,847 --> 00:27:07,637
Next thing you know,
you'll be telling me you're not a psychiatrist.
499
00:27:07,687 --> 00:27:10,326
- Stephen!
- Coming!
500
00:27:12,647 --> 00:27:15,036
Well, doctor.
501
00:27:15,527 --> 00:27:17,119
I think we'll let that one lie.
502
00:27:17,167 --> 00:27:19,158
Probably best.
503
00:27:26,807 --> 00:27:29,526
# You must remember this
504
00:27:29,567 --> 00:27:32,127
# A kiss is still a kiss
505
00:27:32,167 --> 00:27:35,557
# A sigh is just a sigh
506
00:27:37,527 --> 00:27:41,281
# The fundamental things apply
507
00:27:41,327 --> 00:27:45,081
# As time goes by
508
00:27:48,327 --> 00:27:51,080
# And when two lovers woo
509
00:27:51,127 --> 00:27:53,880
# They still say I love you
510
00:27:53,927 --> 00:27:56,839
# On that you can rely
511
00:27:59,447 --> 00:28:03,804
# The world will always welcome lovers
512
00:28:05,087 --> 00:28:12,880
# As time goes by #
513
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:23,880
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