All language subtitles for American.Pie.2.2001.UNRATED.Brrip.x264.[Agent007]-en

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Are you sure you
don't wanna go to my room?
No. Why?

My roommate's
already moved out.
We'll be all alone.

All right.
The door is locked.

Okay, Jim, relax. Relax.
Okay, yeah, sure.

No strings attached,
okay? It's just friendly
good-bye sex.

Yeah, right. Right,
right, right, right.

Uh, yeah, but you see,
it's just that, um,

we've never even had
friendly hello sex.

So do you not
wanna do this?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I do. Yeah.
No, I definitely do.

Uh, it's just that,

you see, this is actually
my first time.

Well, not my first.
It's my first time,

uh, since my
first time.

So, technically,
that's my second time.

And I... I don't...
I don't wanna suck at it.

So if I'm not up to par,
performance-wise...

Jim, this isn't exactly
a turn-on.

I mean, girls like a guy
with confidence.

Hey, I'm confident.

Oh, I am... I'm absolutely,
totally confident.

Oh?
Yeah.

Let's get naked.
Okay.

Seems like just yesterday
my dad picked me up after
my first year at college.

Mmm-hmm.
We popped a couple of beers,

and he said,
"Now, you're a man."

And today I get to say
the same thing to my son.

Honey, your speeches
embarrass him.

So, try and do what the kids
say, and just be cool.

I think I bring new meaning
to the word "cool," honey.

That's his dormitory
up ahead.

Turn over.
Okay.

Ow.

Can't bring alcohol
in the dorms.
Oh, uh, good.

Thank you, uh, Matt.
I'm just here to surprise
my son Jim.

What?
Now pin my leg up.

Pin my leg up,
like this.

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

Maybe you can help
me out, you know.

Okay.

Is that the one?
No.
There!

Oh, yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, oh, okay!

Now I remember.

I didn't do this for you.

Thanks, dude.

Where's my big guy?
Oh, my God!

Oh, no.
Hey...

Jesus!
Jim, we got here
a little early.

Dad, get out!
I'll wait in the car.

Go, Dad!
Oh, my... Geez.

Was that your dad?
Yeah.

I'm so sorry.
For your own edification,

son, I just...
I'm not embarrassed.

I am!

It's a perfectly
normal thing for
two human beings...

Dad, what are you doing?
This is human nature.
Human nature at its best.

Son, everybody does it.
Your mother and I...
Well, not so much anymore.

Got your favorite.
Oh, my God! They're fucking!

No! No!
Honey, honey,
listen. No, no.

I'm gonna take
her to the car.

Please just go!
Actually,
if you wouldn't mind.

Honey... I'll take her
to the car.

Hi, Mama.
What?

Natalie!

I'm Jim's dad.

You must be the parents
of this young lady.

I'm sorry
I didn't get her name,
but hopefully my son did,

because I have not been
here the whole time.

Natalie,
get dressed!

Beer?
Avert your eyes!
Turn around!

Thanks, Jim.
You don't believe in locks?
Oh, my God.

Heya, fuckface.

Mornin', dude.
Come on, Ozzy.
It's show time.

Ozzy, before you go
to Ann Arbor to pick up
Heather,

I wanna show you
what you're missing.

See what they are today, dude.
See what they are today.

Okay, here we go.
Moment of truth.

Ooh!

There's little hearts
on her panties!
Super.

There's little hearts
on her panties! Come on, look,
you pussy. Look.

What the fuck, man?
Come on!

I'm disappointed in you. Here
it is, the end of our freshman
year and you screwed one girl.

One.

You're a disgrace
to men everywhere.

Look at the Stifmeister.
I got laid 23 times
this year,

and I'm not counting
the hummer I got in
the library stacks, baby.

All right, here's a new idea
for you, Stifler, okay?

You find a girl.
You two become best friends.

You don't bother counting how
many times you have sex
with each other.

You just laugh at the people
that do count.
Here's a new idea for you.

I'll get you a spoon
so you can eat my ass.

Okay, people.
Notebooks closed.
Let's get this exam rolling.

Holy shit, dude.
We got an exam today?

You kiddin' me?

Bullshit.

Yes! I'm never
even gonna think about
political science again.

Hey. How'd you do?

Oh, fine.
Yeah?

I can't believe I'm doing this
summer abroad thing.

Last thing I need
is more classes.

You're gonna have
a great time.
Hello, summer!

Did that exam blow or what?
Yeah, it sucked.

Ozzy!
Kev, what's up, man?
How are you?

Good. Put your
party hat on.

We got 12 weeks
of immortality ahead.
Yes, sir!

Weird.

Ah, the one that got away,
huh, son?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, evidently you two
made quite the handsome
couple on the Internet.

Oh, I didn't see it.

It, uh, was brought up
at a P.T.A. Meeting.

Anyway, my point is,

these little sexual debacles
should not get you down,
because you know what?

It happens to the best
of us. In fact,

the first time your mother
and I got together,

I used a condom.

Well, she referred to it
as "shrink wrapping."

But I got over it.

Anyway, keep your chin up.
You keep plugging

and, uh, good things
will happen.

Good to have you home, son.

It's good to be home, Dad.

It's gonna be nice to hit
Stifler's tonight after exams.

Did you get through 'em?
God, what a bitch, huh?

There's the mystery man!

Finch, how are you?
Kevin. Konichiwa.

James. Konichiwa. Konichiwa.

It's Japanese.

It means "hello."
Hello.

Finch, what happened
to Latin?

I met a Japanese girl
at the art museum.

Changed majors. Wanted to
understand all those things
she was moaning.

You got laid
in an art museum?
The Met.

Oh, and the Guggenheim
with Francesca.
The Guggenheim?

And then my social-psych
professor in Baskin-Robbins.

All right, enough, Finch.
But I'll tell you,
none of these women

even compare to...

Stifler's mom.

Stifler's mom is a goddess.

How about some more
of Stifmeister's
collegiate concoction?

This thing is like
half alcohol. You're just
trying to get me drunk.

Mary, would I do that?

My name's Christy.
Christy, right, right.
Beautiful name.

Like it matters.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey.

Party-hearty,
fuckin' partners!

Johnny C., how's it going?
Good to see you.

Oh, looks like someone
gained a freshman 15.
This'll help.

You're an asshole.
Missed you too.

All right, everybody
having a good time?
Ladies.

Fellas! How's it going?

The keg's back there
as always. Enjoy.

Ladies, I'm Steve Stifler,
and I have an 11 -inch penis

around!

Think about it.
Sherman!

Okay, Stifler,
take your shot. Ha, ha.

Come on, man.
I'm really happy
to see you.

All right.
You stupid fuck.

Hey. Hey, are you
Steve Stifler?

Yes, I am.

Well, thank you for throwing
this awesome party, man.

No problem.

Yeah, the cops bust
all our parties now.

Well, I put the word out

so high-school chicks
would come.

Just 'cause you fuckers
don't have dicks

doesn't make it right
for you to be here,
you know.

Uh, hey, man,
could I ask you a question?

Sure, son.

Is it true that
Paul Finch nailed your mom?

Sons of bitches.

My mom's a saint!

Go suck some dick!

Hey, Carlos, Jason.
What's going on?
Keg's back on the deck.

Hey, how's lowa State?

Did you see those fuckers
I had to boot outta here?

Yup.

Back at Stifler's.
It's just like old times.
One difference.

We're college men now.

Some of these girls
are from the grade below us.

I might actually
have a chance.

Hey, I remember you.

Oh, do you now?

You're that guy who blew
his load on the Internet.

Splat. "Oh, wait,
Nadia, don't go." Splat.

Pathetic.
Loser.

It's exactly like
old times.

Flight 4717, final call.

I'm gonna miss you.
I'll miss you.

I'll call you
when I get in, okay?

Go have fun.
Okay.

Bye.
Bye-bye.

I can't believe
those two girls, Kevin.

Jim, it's not a big deal.
No. Yeah.

They toyed with
my emotions.

Hello. Hello.
See?
There's other girls.

How are ya?
You got nothing
to worry about, man.

Hey, Jessica's here.

With Vicky.

And Vicky got hot!

What's that supposed
to mean?

Look at her.

Yeah, Jim, I see her.
Hey, Kevin.

I'll be right back.

Hey, Vic, how are you?
What's up?

I'm okay.
Yeah, I'm good.

That's good.
It's good to hear.
Yeah, you too.

Wow.

Well, this is about
as comfortable as
a high colonic in Tijuana.

And I would know.
Okay.

I'm gonna get a drink.
She's right.

Why is this so weird?
Actually, I...
I have no idea.

See, I knew it.
I knew you'd be mature
about this.

You know, and we could
still be friends, right?
Yeah.

I miss you, Kev.

Whoa.

Friends, right?

Yeah, right.
I mean, I know you said
friends and I... I just...

I'm sorry.
I was... It was just...

An old habit.
I mean, a friend kiss.

Are you sure?
Vic, why wouldn't I wanna
be friends with you?

Look, we'll...
We'll just do this, okay?

Friends.
Friends.

Ozzy! My man!
There he is.

Shake off your chains
of monogamy.
You're a free man.

I don't think so, Stifler.
You know I'll never turn
over to the dark side.

Dumbass.
What happened to the 'Nova
I knew in high school?

'Nova, as in Casanova?
The guy who had
all the moves?

Yeah, he was an idiot.

Yeah, but he was
my idiot.

Hey, everyone!
Listen up!

'Nova's back, baby!

And he's taking the locks
off his cock!

Ozzy, I'm lobbing you
a softball here.

Pull out your bat
and take a swing.

Mandy.

This is my friend Oz.

All-state lacrosse
two years in a row.

Hey, Oz.
Hi, Mandy. How are you?

Listen, I have
a girlfriend.

It was a pleasure
meeting you.

Beer out back.

You pussy!

Stifler's mom's room.

How did you do
that magic you did?

Tantra.

What the fuck
are you doin' in here?

Just relax.

You get out of my house!

Jesus Christ!
Come back here,
you little fucker!

Come back here,
you son of a bitch!
Take it easy.

Whoa! Hey! Hey!
Easy! Easy!
That's enough.

Okay, guys, we went through
this last summer, all right?

Finch got a black eye
and Stifler got six stitches.
'Cause you fuckin' bit me!

You touch me, I bite.

You two relax and shake hands.

Shake this!
Hey.

Finch.
I need a drink.

Why is everybody
taking a piss right now?

The line's too long.
I ain't gonna make it, man.
You'll be okay. Relax.

Hey, bro. Hey, man,
you're the guy who boned
Stifler's mom.

Hey, you are a god.
Holy shit, dude.

If I didn't have to
hold my dick 'cause
I gotta piss so bad,

I would shake your hand.

I'm honored, guys.
Don't leave.

You must teach me.
How? How?

Oh, look what I found,
Christy.

Oh, what a coincidence.

I've been saving this
for a special occasion,

for a special girl,
just like you.

You're so sweet.
That's what they say.

Oh, weird.

Oh, my God.
I spilled some on you.

Maybe I should
mop that up.
Thanks.

No problem.
Whoa! Whoa, hey.

Take it slow. Come on.
Right.

You know, they warn us
about these situations
in college.

Now, you may be intoxicated.

Oh, yeah.

Are you certain that
you wish to engage
in consenting...

Hey, don't count
your chickens, buster.

I'm just playing
by the rules, baby.
I make the rules.

That's a pretty good
fucking rule.

Dude, the line's too long.
I'll never make it.

It's gotta happen now.
Get my back.
All right. Go, bro.

Clamp it off.
Hello.

Oh, Laurie. How are you?
Good. Awesome.

Hey. How are you?
Hi, Laurie.

Good. I'm really good.

How 'bout I give you
a little champagne?

Why don't you go downstairs
and get us a couple beers?

I've got a surprise for you.

Close your eyes
and get ready.
Oh, I'm ready.

You want a beer?
Yeah, all right.

Mmm.

Okay, go.

This is kind of kinky,
and I like that.

Ohhh! That's it.
Bathe the Stifmeister.

Oh, that's great!

Oh, that's great.

How did you get it
so nice and warm?

I can taste the bubbles.

Actually, I can't.

Much better.

Wait a second.

Let's go.
Thanks, man.

Christy?

Oh, fuck!

Yep. Half of these got
East High parking passes
on 'em.

Break up another one.
Call a couple units.

Isn't this the Stifler house?
Yeah. You ever seen
Mrs. Stifler?

Oh, what a MILF.

Oh, yeah?
She got any pow? Pow.

Okay, now,

do these high school kids
think that we're cool because
they're at a college party,

or are we those
weird older guys

that try to hang out
with high school kids
when we come home?

No way. We're definitely
not those guys.
Cops!

Cops!

All right!
Break it up.
Party's over.

Let's go.
Ostreicher, Myers.

Welcome back.

Where's Steve Stifler?

All right, let's go.
Get up. This party's over.

I got peed on.

No, man,
Stifler's got shut down.

We can't party
anywhere anymore.

And things are...

Getting weird?
Yeah, a little bit.

First summer back
from college.

Yep, things are gonna
get weirder.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, times change,
people change.

It's just what happens,
you know.

Kev, listen.
Go into my old room.

My friends and I knew
that it was up to us
to stick together.

You remember
my first college summer?

We rented that
lake house in Grant Harbor.

We treated every day out there
like it was a post-prom party.

Hell of a time.
We capped it all off
with a massive blowout.

Best ever.
It was legendary.

My advice is do that.
By the end of the summer,

you're gonna see
the big picture.

She's on the phone.
She's on the phone.
It's long distance.

Who?
Nadia! Nadia!

What? She's on...
New York. Hello.
Yes, dear, he's right here.

Hey... Here,
give it to me.
Now remember...

Yes, I am sure to go
see The Lion King.

Right. And don't ride
the subway after midnight.
Okay.

I know they've done wonderful
things with that city, but,
you know, for me...

Dad!

He's right... Hang on.

Hey... Hey, Nadia.
Jim!

How was college?
College was excellent.

Yeah. Yeah, it was...
It was really excellent.

You have not forgotten
about me, have you?

No. I, uh...
Absolutely not.

I definitely didn't.
Good, because guess what?

I'm coming to see you
at the end of summer.

I hope you're
ready for me,

because I have not forgotten
about you either,
you sexy boy.

Shit.
Jim, you can
eat hot dogs tomorrow.

No, no, Finch,
it's not the hot dogs.

Nadia called me
this morning.

She's coming here
at the end of the summer,
and she wants to see me.

Oh, that's killer.

Yeah, that's a good thing.

No, not "good thing."
Not "killer."

I'll never be able
to do it.

Nadia is gonna be
expecting filet mignon.

Okay, and all I'm gonna
be able to give her

is rump roast.

Aw, come on.
Jim, you've had experience
since Nadia.

Ah, yes, you would
be referring to

the flute-fetish band geek
that made me her bitch and
then ditched me after prom.

Yes, that's
great experience.
That's the one.

Ah, you just gotta
find the right girl, Jimbo.

Brings it all together.
I had the right woman.

She just sells her cottage
and takes off
to parts unknown.

Oh, my romantic life
has past its peak.

Take me out to the pasture
and shoot me.

Super start to
a super summer, fellas.
Welcome home.

Guys, I got it.
Pack your bags.

For what?

We're moving to the lake.

We're gonna be the shit.
Everybody on the beach
is gonna know us.

Plenty of opportunities
to practice for Nadia.

Throw a huge party
at the end of the
summer to cap it all off.

Dude, that's a great idea.
That way we'll be able
to welcome Heather back,

and we'll be able to prepare
for Nadia's big arrival.

This is it.
This is my summer of love.

Just thought I'd say
good-bye to you animals.

Hey, Mr. Levenstein.
How are you, sir?
Hey.

All packed up I see.

Yeah, we're all set, Dad.

Don't worry, okay?
I'll be fine.

Come on and give
your old man a hug.

Keep it real, homies.

You too, sir.
Have a good summer.

All right, let's go.

I've been running
these numbers here

and I don't think
the four of us
can afford this place.

Not on summer jobs.

Well, I kind of
thought of that.

So, I invited
someone else.

Oh, yeah! The Stifmeister's
coming back to Grant Harbor!

Deck the halls!
Bye-bye, Great Falls!

Wipe my ass
and lick my balls!

It's Stifler time, baby!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Stifler, if you're gonna
be living with us
you gotta behave yourself.

All right, you and Finch just
stay out of each other's way.

Kevin, Stifler's stench
is unavoidable.

Finch, fist yourself.

That's right, baby.
We're here.

Yeah, baby, we're here!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

It's a palace.
It's a temple.

Isn't this great?

Ah, dude.
Are you kidding me?

This just won't do.

Guys.

Check this out.
This is it.

Will you idiots tell me
what this fucker's doin'?

Don't touch me
while I'm tantric.

"Tantric"?
What the fuck is tantric?

It's a Buddhist discipline.
You learn to channel
your body's energies,

your chakras.

When you can do that,
you can have sex for hours,
even days.

And this stuff's for real?

It's been around
for centuries.

With tantra you can make
an entire session of sex

feel like one giant orgasm.

Eventually, you can
sustain that feeling
by meditating.

Well, maybe you can
teach me sometime?
Very doubtful.

True.
Come on, Jim.

You can't possibly
be that bad.
Oh, no?

No way.

Well, I guess there's only
one person that really
knows for sure, huh?

Oh, yeah?
Where's she this summer?

Hey, are you here for
the mid-session performance?

Guests go in
the amphitheater.
You can't be here.

Do you know where I
could find Michelle Flaherty?

Guests bring food.
Food attracts animals.
This one time,

a bear came,
and then the bear
had to be destroyed,

which means they shot it
in the head with a rifle
and killed it and it died.

You must know Michelle.

MAN: One, two, three, four.

One, two... Good, go.

One, two, three, four.

That's a lot of flutes.

Good luck. Thanks.
Good job.
Thanks, Michelle.

Have fun at your next class.

Hey, Michelle.

Jim. Holy potatoes!

You're really here?
Everybody
stick together.

Oh, shoot!
We're... We're not
supposed to have visitors,

'cause this one time,
uh, here,

this kid had these cookies...

Let me guess.
A bear came.
Cool.

It's like you know
all our stories.

Oh. Was that a question?

I don't know. Maybe.

Do you wanna answer it
anyway?
Michelle, um,

I left you like, uh...
Like three messages
after prom.

Really?

You didn't think I was
weird because of the way
I acted that night?

Weird, no.

Surprising, yes.

I get nasty when I'm horny.

That's kind of
why I'm here.

Um, you remember,

was I any good that...
That night?

Oh, wow. Geez.

How could I forget?

You sucked.
You didn't know what
the hell you were doing.

But wasn't it fun even though
you were so terrible?

I'm sorry. "Terrible"?
I've had worse.

Oh.
Oh, sorry. I...

I... I could give you
some pointers if you want.

Really?

Oh. Oh, shoot.
Okay, wait here.

I'll meet you
in an hour, okay?

Yeah.
Oh, wait.

Cool idea.

Hey!

What are you doing?

Ow!

Ooh. Ooh.

You're all right. Here we go.
You know you're not supposed
to be here now.

Everyone's supposed to be in
the amphitheater.

All right. Come on.

It's piss-poor
to be this late.
I'm very angry right now.

You can tell by the tone
of my voice I'm angry.
I'm pissed off is what I am.

Here they are. Cut 'em off.
'Cause this is
piss-poor. Go, go.

Wait a minute.
Are you Petey?

Petey?
Uh, yeah, sure.

Petey! Well,
that explains everything.

All right.
Well, it's always something
with these kids. Go!

Petey, we are just so thrilled
to have you. None of my kids
are at your caliber.

Watch that. But we are just
so overjoyed to have someone
with your kind of talent here.

Oh, great.
Here you go.

That's great.
Oh, look at this.

Your old best friend.
Come on. Move.

I know it's not yours,
but you are going to make
beautiful music.

Here we go.
This is fantastic.
I'm very excited.

You just own this
and break a leg.

All right,
all right.

What was he doing out
wandering around unsupervised?

Who knows?

I'll tell you something.
I'm about fed up with these
Tall Oaks North kids.

Kids, entertain yourselves.
Play along with Petey.

No, no, no, no, Petey.
Here we go.

All right, all right.
Come on, now.
A little encouragement.

Right to this spot.

Folks, he's just
a little nervous.

This isn't right.

Just blow on it, kid.
All right.

Here we go.

Uh...
Come on, Petey.

Play!
Do something.

Special, my ass.

Come on. Give the little guy
some support.
Yeah!

Come on, Petey.
You're doing great,
partner.

Come on, honey.
You can do it.

Come on, Petey.

Oh, what the hell.

Yeah!

All right!

All right, Petey!
Play it, man! Come on!
Yeah!

Rock and roll!

Whoo!

Thank you!

Thank you, Tall Oaks.
You're beautiful.

My name is Petey!

Thank you!

And I have gigantic balls!

I...

Michelle...
Not now!
Come back later. Go!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come back here!
I wanna talk to you!

You are so sweet.

He is special.

He's my bitch.

Well, Michelle
has confirmed it.

I suck.
What?

I gotta get
some practice.

Don't worry about it.
I mean, that's why we got
the house, Jimbo.

We plop a keg on the deck,
and the girls come in
off the beach.

It's like
a hummingbird feeder.

You think so?
I know so.

Guaranteed hotties.

Fellas, nice pad.

Good view, but...

The Sherminator sensors
detect no female life-forms
in the vicinity.

High likelihood of
a sausage-fest in progress.

The girls are comin'.
I made some calls.

Yeah.

The Sherminator's
got a point, Kev.

Since when do you
start listening
to the Sherminator?

Since he made me realize
there's an abundance
of wiener here.

I mean, look around,
dude. Dude?

All right,
now it's your turn.

Oh, come on.
There's nothing to tell.

Hey, what's up?
What are you guys
talking about?

You know, we're just
trading war stories
about college,

who hooked up with who,
who slept with who...

So, Vicky?

Well, there was
this one guy.
How 'bout you?

Oh, you know, there was
a few girls... Three.

Ooh, look at you.
You stud.

All right, Oz.
Now that Kevin told us,
what about you?

You haven't had the
slightest bit of attraction
to any girl at school?

Don't you fuckin' say no.
I know you did.

Even if I did,

it wouldn't be anything
more than just
a momentary thing.

Very uninteresting.
And how about you,
Jessica?

How many chicks did you
sleep with this year?

Gee, wouldn't you
like to know.

Fuck yeah, I would.

Come on, Ozzy.

Yeah, man. Ball.
Pool's yours.

Hey, Vic, you wanna play?

Yeah, sure. You wanna break?

What the...

Where are the
fuckin' females?

Jim, can't you leave
your shirt on? You're
scaring the chicks away.

Dude,
give him a break.

Ozzy, go deep.
Yeah, bro.
You playing?

No.

No, no, keep going.
Fly pattern.

What are you doin'?
Fishin'.

Are you okay?
Are you all right?

You okay?
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
Is everybody okay?

Amazing.
Yes.

The Force is strong
in that one.

Whoa.

The Sherminator detects
serious heat at a distance
of two meters.

Preparing to deploy beer.

Sherman, dude,

let me give you a valuable
piece of advice, okay?

Drop the whole
"Sherminator" thing.

Please repeat
previous statement.

Look, I know your last name
is Sherman, right?

And that rhymes with
The Terminator which was

a big hit movie, what,
like 10 years ago.

But you can't tell me
a girl's ever really
gone for it.

System overload.
Hasta la vista, Jessica.

What a freak.

Vic, hey, you guys
are leaving?

You know, we barely had
a chance to hang out,
you know, catch up.

Well, what are you doing
this weekend?
I can get together.

Cool. Let's hang out.
All right.

Bye, Kev.
See ya, Jess.

Bye.

No, no,
that's all wrong.

Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Good-bye.

So what does he mean,
"meet up"?
You know, like hang out,

grab lunch, whatever.

I told you,
we're just friends now.
And he totally understands.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure
he understands quite well.
He does.

Oh, no, sir.
These are all wrong for you.
I mean, seriously.

Sure. We're friends.

But it's not like I see her
making plans with anyone else.
Right.

I don't see her with
a boyfriend. I think
that puts me on deck.

Hey, Vicky only slept with
one guy since we went out.

I mean, that like makes me
50% of her entire
guy-related life.

You dipshit.

She didn't sleep with one guy.
She slept with at least three.

What?

When a girl tells you
how many guys she slept with,

multiply it by three
and that's the real number.

Didn't you fuckers learn
anything at college?

Look, he did not sleep
with three girls, okay?

Much like Sly
and the Family Stone aren't
gonna dance on in here

and gang-bang me
between the Afros
and the bell bottoms, okay?

It's not gonna happen.

Kevin Myers did not sleep
with three girls at Michigan.

But why would he lie to me?
It's not a lie. It's an
adjustment. The rule of three.

The rule of what?
Three.

A guy tells you how many girls
he's hooked up with,
it's not even close to that.

Take that number
and divide it by three.
Then you get the real total.

So, if Kevin's saying
it's been three girls,
it's more like one, or none.

None?

Rule of three.

It's an exact science,
consistent as gravity.

Ozzy,
I'm happy for you.

At least you've seen
a nice bod while Heather's
off sucking dick.

Stifler, keep your fantasies
to yourself.

Dude, use
your fuckin' brain.

"Oh, I'm an American
college chick.
La, la, la.

"Your European cultural
shit is so charming.

"Ooh, hey.
Hot Spanish guy.
Love your accent.

"Love your ding-dong."

I'm telling you, man,
right now there is a dick
in your girlfriend's mouth.

Knock it off.

What'd I say?

Oh, my God!

Guys!
Check it out.
Lesbians.

Lesbians live here.

You know,
Mr. Homophobic Wizard,

that it is possible
for women to hold hands
and not be gay.

Friends can hold hands.

Hey, Finch, I don't wanna hear
about you and your boyfriends.
Go jerk off.

Unnecessary.

Tantra teaches you to hold
an orgasm over time

in anticipation
of an ultimate moment

to release it
upon the world.

I'm filling up
to the brim.

That's fucking disgusting!
Oh, I'm gonna throw up.

Hello?
Hey, Heather. You're in!

Oz!

How's the studying going?

I'd hardly call it studying.

I've been going
to the Picasso Museum,

hanging out at
Sagrada Familia,

going with Pierre
to the Parc Guell.

Hey, who's Pierre?
One of the guys
in the program.

He's got a girlfriend back
in France, so we've kind
of got something in common.

Ah, that sounds cool.

Yeah, I've overheard them
on the phone at night.

And, uh, well,
it made me think.

Hey, Oz, I'm reaching under my
shirt, and I'm rubbing myself.

Oz, come on.
It's phone sex.
Help me out here.

Okay. Uh...

I'm going over to my bed.

Yeah.
And I'm lying down.

And I'm slowly

reaching downstairs.

Grab it. Tell me
how big it is.

Listen, Heather,
I'm feeling kind of awkward.
Oz.

If we can't physically be
with each other, then we have
to learn to be more vocal.

Right?
Right. Okay.

Okay, here we go.
I'm reaching in my pants now.

And I'm rubbing it
for you, Heather.

And it feels so good.

Yeah, me too.
Oh, yeah.

I got...

Call waiting.

Oh, shit. Hello?

Wrong number.

Hey. Hello.
Wrong number.

All right, look, man.
I got my hand on my dick
right now, okay,

and I'm trying to have sex
with my girlfriend
over the phone.

Emir, good for you, man.

Okay.
Hey.

Sorry about that.
Where were we?

I think you were
reaching for something.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Heather.
I'm rubbing it and
it feels so good.

Hey, Oz, I'm touching myself.
What else do you want me
to do?

Oh, Heather, baby.

Why don't you tell me
my dick is as big as
Stifler's.

Stifler, get off!

I am getting off
just listening to
the two of you guys.

Keep going.

I think we should try
this another time.

Yeah, all right.
Bye-bye. I love you.

I love you.

Come on, you guys.
I was almost there!

Nice talking
with you, Steven.

Stifler, man!

Repressed.

Check it out.

Potential lesbians
leaving the building.

All right.
Now is my chance.

I need confirmation.
Stifler. Hey, man,
what are you doing?

Go get him.

You ass. Stifler, get out.

Stifler. Stifler.

Stifler.

Oh, shit, dude!
I found a dildo!

Stifler.

Big blue rubber dicks
for everyone!

The people demand
rubber dicks!

Finch, help. Finch!

Dildo, dildo, dildo!

What are you doing?

I'm looking for
more lesbian artifacts.

Where'd you get this?
Finch's ass.

Oh, my God.
Shit!
Guys, they're back.

Stall 'em!

Come on. Come on!

Come on. Come on.

This is awesome!

Danielle, Amber, hi.
Hey.

Just needed the paper, huh?
Mm-hmm.

Which room? Which room?
I can't remember shit.
I was too excited.

I'm in a lesbian stronghold.
Was it in here?

Shit, man. Why are you
asking me so many questions?

Was it in here?

Maybe.
What do you mean "maybe"?
Was it or was it not here?

Happy painting, boys.

You gotta get out of there.

They're inside.
Oh, shit balls.

Very original, Steven.

Don't call me Steven.

Ow!

I can wear that
little leopard bikini of mine.

I love that one.
It's so cute on you.

Help unzip me, please.
Oh, yeah.

Okay.
Thanks.

Hey, have I shown you
my cute little pink shoes?

Does it match the pink bikini?

They're
getting naked.

Cute.
Thank you.

Oh, shit.
She's de-pantsing.

Oh, man.

Wait a minute. They can't hear
us inside? We won't cross over
their radio or anything?

No, man. These work
on a C.B. Frequency.

This girl is so hot.

Two possible lesbians
in their bras and panties.

Lesbians?
Uh...

Did you say lesbians?
Hot lesbians!

Don't touch me.
I'm not.

That better not have been
what I thought it was.

This is
not gonna fit. Look
at you and look at me.

Too big.
I'll get you
the blue stringy number.

Johnny West is missing.

Maybe you kicked it
under the bed.

Okay, let me look.

Wait. Didn't you have it
when we were downstairs?

Oh, maybe.

Let's go.

Guys, get the hell
out of there right now.

Come on. Come on.

It's clear!
Go, go, go!

They're coming back.

Oh, I'm just so glad
I found him. He's my
favorite collectible.

I know.

Hey, guys, we got
nothing to worry about.

I just remembered.
I got that dildo
from the other bedroom.

Holy shit! There's
a dildo in my drawer.

Oh, my God! You could
have asked me if you
wanted to borrow it.

I've never even
seen it before.

Stop it.
Shh!

Your breath stinks.

What the hell was that?
I don't know.
Call 911.

Hey, hey! No, no, no!
Hold on! Hold on!

No 911.
Don't call the police.

My God, it's
the painting kids.

I don't care.
I'm still calling the cops.

Okay, no, no, no.
This isn't right.

Okay, look.
Stifler did break in here.
You dick!

But we just
followed him in
to get him out.

I just wanted proof that you
chicks are really lesbians.

You wanna
mess with 'em?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

Let's do it.
Let's do it.

You guys like that?

Ozzy, stand by
for confirmation.

That's a big 10-4
on the confirmation.

Sounds like your little
friends outside
wanna play too.

You won't be needing this.

Who wants me
to touch Amber?

I do, I do.

Who the hell is that?

Who's this?

Uh, this is John... Smith.

I'm turning off
my radio now.

Okay.
Where should I touch Amber?

Ass, baby.
Feel that ass!

Okay.

That's nice.
Oooh.

I know.
You feel his ass first.

Excuse me?

Yeah, yeah, I like that.
That's good.
It's good.

Yeah, so I got some painting
I should, uh... It's...

Jim, hold on.
I can handle it.

What?
Stifler, I'm comfortable
with my sexuality.

And I would love
to see that show.

Bravo!

One finger, on the cheek.

We want palm

grasping.

Oh, that's too much.
No, no, no.

You don't touch,
we don't touch.

Squeeze his ass, son.
You'll like it.

Come on, boys.

Jesus Christ.
Oh, shit.

I'm touching his ass.
I'm touching his ass.

Red Leader,
what's your position?

I'm touching his ass.
I'm touching his ass.
Mommy!

You can go.

That really wasn't bad.

I wanna go home.
That's too bad.

Never mind.
I'm staying.

Danielle is feeling
my breasts.

No way, dude!

Her breasts are so luscious.
What a wonderful Christmas
gift you bought the boys.

My nipples are so hard.

I think I can
fix these.

Sweet Jesus.

Your turn.

Oh, yeah!

No, no, no.
Mmm-mmm.

Him.

Kiss.

Dude, no.

Wait. What?
Oh, yeah.
You want more?

We want more.
Go get him, tiger.

You'll like it.
You're gonna love it.

Do it for us.

Okay, dude.

One, two,

That doesn't even count.

That counted.
That totally counted.

That's how you kiss
your mother.

Don't you say anything!

Make it real.
You do that,

we'll do anything you want.

Anything?

Anything.

Anything.
Anything.

You better like it.

I promise. Promise.
I wouldn't lie.

Come on.

That is what
I'm talking about.

Ah, Kev, you can look.

Ooh!

That's it.

Where's your tongue?

Good boys.

Very good.
Dude, you're
a fuckin' lousy kisser.

What? I wasn't trying!

That's not fair!

I wasn't trying there.
I'm really... I'm not...

No judgment.
Nope.

Wait a second.
You were trying?

Fuck no!
You were trying!

You were trying?
You were trying!

Oh, my... That's disg...
Oh, I kissed Jim!

Silence. Silence.
Silence!

Ladies.
Yes?

As you were.

Here we go.
Let's do it.

Okay.

Ooh. Ahh.

Amber!

Them girls sound like the two
transvestites we picked up
in Biloxi, Cooter.

Honey, come on. Food's ready.
I'm not hungry!

I can't...

I can't believe it.
Okay, okay, just do it.

Ooh!
Oh.

Oh, God.
It was worth it.

Hello!
Oh!

Whoo!

Keep going.

Uh, Amber.

Okay, I think
that's enough.
That's good.

I want more.
Hell, yeah.

Yeah.
I want more, too, baby.

Mm-hmm.

We're gonna get more
physical as soon as
we get some...

Hand jobs.

Okay!

Yeah.
Hand jobs.

You, do him.

We love to watch.

I'm sorry?
Yeah.

You go. You go.
We go. We go.

Don't be a wimp.

Okay. It's okay.
I know what I have to do.

I need to keep
this party goin'.

I'm takin' one
for the team.

Mother of God!
Come on, you pussies.
We had 'em.

I am not touching that.
Put that thing away,
Stifler.

Why can't you guys
be team players, huh?

I was the one doin'
all the sacrificin'.

Whoo!

And now, for our
devoted listeners,

back to the show.

Amber, let me
try that dildo.

Okay. Now wait
just a minute.

Stifler wanted to give
you two hand jobs?

No. Stifler wanted
one from us.

What? Bullshit.

No, he did, okay?
And it was horrible, Oz.

Very horrible.

You guys, you wanna
play some "asshole"?

Eh. Just watching
the game, Kev.

Hey, I just wanna
do something together.

We just did something
together.

Very together.
Ho ho ho.

Stifler Claus is here.

Now, just so there's
no confusion,

Santa Porn has just
brought us some
heterosexual entertainment.

Here you go.

All right. Here.

And the Stifmeister's
provided us some
complimentary lubricant.

Whack away, Jim. Whack away.

Does this stuff really
make a difference?

Oh, yeah!
Really?

Stifmeister's palace
of love...
Uh, straight love.

Oh, hey.
Yeah, I'm fine.
How about you?

That's Stifler's mom.

Silence.

I didn't really think
you were gonna be
in Michigan this summer.

Yeah, you're more
than welcome to be here.

Okay, stop by in a couple
of weeks. We're having
a big party. Okay, bye.

Uh, Stifler, was that...

Okay.

She's coming.

Stifler's mom
is coming here.

Efforts must be doubled.

"Efforts must be doubled."

Absolutely.

Jenny, where'd you
put my clarinet?

I think I shoved it
in your box. Thanks!

Bad man.
I'm a bad, bad man.

Michelle. Michelle. Hi. Hi.

Jim, what are
you doing here?

I... Well, I thought
you had said...

You can't just
stand out here.

Look, I need your help.

Nadia's coming back,

and I don't...

I don't wanna be this awkward,

bumbling, nervous guy
with her.

I don't wanna
seem like a dork.

Well, I know that feeling.

Yeah. Spend your life
playing in the band,

it doesn't exactly give you
the ultra-cool hipster image.

I think you're
pretty cool.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Michelle, why did you
ditch me after prom?

I didn't ditch you.
I... I just...

Our date was over.

I mean, did you
want some

funky, weird,
next-morning good-bye?

It's not like I wanted you
to pretend you were
in love with me or something.

Why would I pretend that?

Guys do that.

Yeah, well, I'm
not like other guys.

I know.

Okay, I'm gonna help you.

Really?

Yeah, I feel bad for
saying that you sucked,

even though you kind of did.

Oh. Okay.

I'm just...

Let's just get started.
Okay.

Okay. Now,
I'm a hot girl.
Right.

Okay, what do you wanna do?
I wanna feel your boobs.

No, you dingbat.

You don't just
go groping away.

You gotta preheat
the oven before you
stick in the turkey.

Okay.

Kiss me, here.

Good. Okay, now,

the collarbone.
Kiss.

Good, Jim.

Oh, you're making me wet.

Holy shit. Really?
No, I was just saying that
so you could practice.

Of course.

Okay, Jim.
That was good.

Let's work
on something else.

Does direction matter? Like
clockwise, counterclockwise,
make a difference?

Okay, Jim,
this is what
I'm talking about.

Your main problem is
you're so uptight.

Do I seem uptight
about my sexual stuff?
No.

The biggest pointer
I could give you is...

You have to feel comfortable
in any situation.

Stand up.
Hmm?

Stand up.
Ohh!

Now, this is
a fucked-up situation.
What happened to preheating?

We're skipping
a few chapters.
Oh, okay.

This is good.
This is good.
Obviously.

Ooh!
Gilligan's Island,
Mr. Howell.

What?

You've got to control
yourself and think of
something nonsexual.

I haven't even touched
you yet, and you're turning
into the Sears Tower.

I'm sorry.
Yeah, uh, nonsexual.

Right, right.
Um, okay.

Chairs.
Chairs.
Good.

Uh, uh...
Mastodons.

Uh, uh...
Good.

Cleaning my bathroom.

Dung beetles.
Good.

Yeah.
Okay. Now,
don't freak out.

I'm gonna do something
to push your threshold.
Okay...

Oh, that's cold!
What are you doing?

I just shoved
a trumpet in your ass.
Aren't instruments fun?

Okay, I think you've just
crossed my threshold.

We gotta go!

Call me in two weeks.
I'll be home then.
We can finish lessons.

Okay.
Oh!

Pointer,
less tongue.

What is it? A guest book?
Yeah, and look at this entry.

"Best thing was the blowout
at Tom Myers' place.

There he is.
"A night not soon
to be forgotten.

"August '93."
It's your brother, man.
Look.

Yeah, his cottage was
right down on the beach.

Guys, this is what
our party's gotta be.

Something we'll always
remember, you know?
Yes, definitely.

Absolutely.

You go fish.

Finch, we're playing gin.

Oh.

Gin.

Huh!

What the fuck?

"Dear Jim,

"Chicago is beautiful,
but it would be better
if you were here.

"I'm counting the days.
Love, Nadia."

Well, I wish
you were here, Nadia.

Have you been dirty?
Oh, yes, baby.

I've been dirty.
Do you want me
to clean you?

"Apply a few drops
to achieve desired
lubrication."

All right.

Is that a loofah,
or are you just
glad to see me?

Oh, what the hell.

Shit.

Ohh!

Dear God!

I been missin' out.

Uh-oh.

Ow.

Oh. Oh, shit! Ah!

Oh, shit!

Oh! Ow! Jeez...

Everybody okay?
I'm fine.

I'm fine.
Everything's fine.

Shut the fuck up,
or I'll break down this door
and pummel your ass!

No, don't come in here.
I'm fine. Everything...

I just fell out of the bed.
Okay, good night, then.
You sure?

Okay. We'll see you
in the morning.
Uh, night.

Oh!

Shit!
Oh, shit!

Aah!

Ow! Aah!

Ow!

Poison control.
Hello?

Uh, hi, hi.

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I kind of, uh,

uh, Super Glued myself

to, uh, myself.

No. Uh, no.

Ow. Don't, uh,
don't send an ambulance.

Look, is there anything,
uh, you know,
around the house?

Paint thinner.

David?

Shit.

Don't move!
Stay where you are!

Hands where
we can see 'em!

Both hands! Get the other
hand up, goddamn it!

I can't! I can't!
I'm glued!

I'm glued!
Sorry.

Relax your hands.

I'll take it
from here, okay?

Don't worry, Jimbo.
You're gonna be fine, buddy.

Jim, this happens
to the best of us.

Left foot first.
Easy does it. Good.

Watch your head.
All right. Take a seat.

Ahh!

Excuse me, sir.
Are you a family member?

Fuck, no!
This is just
too good to miss!

Okay, sir, you're just
gonna have to wait here.
All right?

This summer's
turning out to be great.

Mucilage is, um,
dangerous territory.

And I would think
any adhesive product

would have a warning
right on the...
On the tube.

I thought it was,
uh, uh, lubricant.

Okay, I was trying
to use lubricant.

Oh.

Son, couldn't you have left
that disgusting thing
at home?

Excuse me?

Well, that kind
of material is
offensive to me.

Oh, well, we're sorry.

But you see, my son
couldn't leave it at home

because he's having a bit
of a medical emergency.

That's right.
Thanks, Dad.

Your opinion of his taste
in video rentals,
I'm afraid,

is, uh, not
a priority, lady.

Dad...
Okay? It's at the bottom
of the totem pole.

Okay?

Thank you, Dad. Okay.

My son is sitting
here right now

with his hand
glued to his penis.

But that doesn't mean
anything to you,
does it?

Because you
don't have a penis.

Or maybe you do!
Dad...

Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Ow!

You know, it just bugs me
when people speak
before they think.

You know, they speak...

How you doin', son?

I've been better.
Ah.

Boy, that doesn't look
too bad, Jim.

Good job, Doctor.

The swelling should subside
in about eight or nine days.

Eight or... Eight or nine...

Beach party's in a week.
Nadia's coming.

Oh. Oh.

Doctor, my son has
a party in seven days,

and there's a young lady
coming

that he's been
waiting to...

He's been waiting
to get with.

I'd tell your son
to keep his pants on
during that party.

Oh, yes, yes. Believe me,
I will be doing that.
It goes without saying.

But if his pants

decide to come off
during the party,

could he have
full use of his,

um, penis?

Okay.

This should shave
a couple of days off.

Oh, good.

Thank you, Doctor.

Jim,

that's good news.

This has been
a good-news day, son.
Here. Put this on.

Little chilly
out there.

Well, here we are.

You know, Jim, um,

I think we should keep
your mother in the dark
about the incident tonight.

I think the whole glue
thing might get her
a little queasy.

I don't know how I get
myself into these things.

But thanks for understanding.

You've been really cool.

I mean, between this and,

you know...

You know, you may be
Jimbo or Jumbo

or Jimbodinny
to these guys in here,

but I want you to know
there are two people

who still remember where
James Emanuel Levenstein
came from.

We're awful proud
of you, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Don't forget
your penis cream.

That was it.

Right there.
That was a pure
tantric moment.

The ficus, the water...
It was all erotic.

One more stimulant,
I would have had
full release.

Finch, stay the fuck
away from that ficus.

That's a jizz-free ficus.

There he is. Morning,
Jimbo. How's the twig
and giggleberries, man?

Oh, very colorful.
My dick looks like
a paint-by-numbers.

Jim, you're
the only guy I know whose dick
needs an instruction manual.

Casa de Stifler.

Oh, hey.

What, you're here now?
No, that's cool.

You know, if you want to
hang out with these guys.

Okay, then.
I'll meet you out front.

Hey, Stifler, was that...

Eat shit, Shitbreak.

She's here.

My lady has arrived.

I gotta prepare.

Here we go.
Great.
Stifler's mom is here?

This could be
a disaster.

Whoa.

Not unless Stifler's mom
drives a moped.

Moped?

Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers.
How you doin', boys?

That's Stifler's
little brother.
What are you doing here?

Pussy, man.
I'm here for the pussy.

Take a number.

Gentlemen, why all the noise?
Everybody knows that this is
my special day.

What is that?

Is that a fuckin' dress?
Are you wearing a dress?

Shitbreak, meet
my little brother.

Little brother,
meet Shitbreak.

That's your brother?
Yes.

My lady's not coming.

So my entire
stockpile is wasted,

and I look ridiculous!

Excuse me.

That didn't look
too good.
No.

Let's go find your room.
Dude, where are
the fuckin' females?

I can't believe
I finally got you alone.

That only took,
what, six weeks?

So, uh, are you alone too?

Yep.
Good.

I'm all alone.

Guess what I had
in mind?

Hey, Marco, can you
get your balls off me?

Thanks.
Heather, what the hell's
going on over there?

Uh, nothing.
It's just my flatmates.

I guess this is kind of
a lost cause, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.
I can't wait.
See ya this weekend?

I can't wait either.
Bye-bye.

Surprise!
Holy... Nadia!

You're here? You're here.
What are you doing here?

Jim, I got so tired
of sightseeing.

But you're...
You're early.

Okay.
Nice to know you.

I will leave.
No!

No. Uh, don't...
Don't leave.

Don't leave.
No leaving.

Uh, no. Uh...

It's just, I'm not
gonna be ready...

I mean, the party
won't be ready, uh,
until Saturday.

I can stay here
until then?

Yeah.

I'm gonna be right back.
Is that okay?

Okay.
Nadia.

Who's in my room.
Now. Holy shit.

All right,
I've got a plan.

Okay. How about
I come back with you

and you say, "Hello, this is
Michelle, my girlfriend."

And obviously,
Nadia won't expect you
to hop in the sack.

And then we break up
the day of the party.

And you're all healed
and back on the market.

You're evil.

No way!

I'm like Cupid.

And I know how
to make a girl jealous.

This is gonna be fun.

I'm sorry I didn't
tell you sooner,

but we just started seeing
each other a few weeks ago.

Um... But
I'd really love it
if you stayed here.

I think you should stay
and have fun at the party.

Good for you, Jim.
Of course I will stay.

That's great... Ah!
That's my nipples!

She just loves my nipples.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.
You still broken?

No.

I'm fine.

I might have to
actually go through with this.

Jim, what's the big deal
with Nadia, anyway?

I mean, okay, so she's
50,000 times hotter

than most girls, but...

Come on,
it's just sex.

Oh, no.

You saw the thing
on the Internet.

Did it look like
I might have had

a slight interest
in Nadia then?

Add another year to that.

Okay.

Hey, why don't you bring
Nadia to the concert first?
It'll be a cool date.

We'll see how things go.

Michelle,
you have been great.

Thank you.

Anytime.

Come on.

You ready to break up?

You big, stupid dummy!

Theater is so cool!

I don't care
if you are the best lay
I've ever had in my life.

I hate your guts anyway.
Don't say that.

And I don't care
if you did give me
ten orgasms in a row,

because you smell
really bad.

No! I smell
really bad!

Because we've been having
so much sex, and...

And I haven't showered,
and I wanna shower!

So, don't you go being all
super-sexy guy anymore,

because I am now
impervious

to your unrelenting
machismo and sexual ardor.

And that includes
fucking me in the ass!
So there!

We had
something special.

What's up?
What's up, dog?

Vicky. Hey.
Hey.

I'm so glad you came.
You want something
to drink or...

Hey.

Can I help you?

Kevin.
That's my date.
What?

You... You saved them all.

How sweet.

You don't think
I'm a dork?

Whatever you are, Jim,
it is what I like.

Kevin left.
Didn't look good.

Kevin left?

Just wandered
down the beach.

You okay, Kev?

Wanna tell us
what's up?

Wanna feel Finch's ass?

No, I... I went
to say hi to Vicky,

and she was there
with a date.

You hooked up with
three girls this year.
You're doing fine.

Rule of three, Oz.

I guess I was living
in the past, wanting
to party with you guys

and be with Vicky,
it's just like high school.

You remember
that day after prom?

You know, we made
a toast to the next step.

I guess I never took it.

My brother said that
by the end of the summer
I'd see the big picture.

And I see it.

No matter what, times change
and things are different.

The problem is,
I don't want them to be.

You know, Kevin,
I haven't moved on either.

I've been obsessed
with the one woman I can't
have a real future with,

other than a very kinky,
extremely warped one.

I gotta find
a new goddess.

It's gonna take patience,
but I've been celibate
all summer.

Yeah, you kinda get
used to it, though, huh?

Are you insane?

Hey, look, Kev,
different does not
necessarily mean worse.

As a matter of fact,
I think things are
just getting better.

Or am I gonna have to drag
your ass back to that party
and prove it to you?

I'll walk.

Wow!

You know, you have
beautiful eyes.

Oh, you're sweet.

That's a really nice top.

Oh. Thanks.
You're welcome.

Wanna fuck?
Are you serious?

Come on, baby.
Give it to the Stifmeister.

I think you better...
Your loss.

Wow. You know,
you have beautiful eyes.

Come here, dude.
Come on. You're making
an ass out of yourself.

You're ruining my mojo.
And you're not
the Stifmeister, okay?

It takes years to develop
true Stifmeister style.

Come on, man!
I just wanna see some boobs.

Hey, Pop-Tart.
Dream on, midget.

Excuse him. Come here.
Take this.
You're on cop watch.

Go out in the driveway.
See any cops, call me, okay?

Steve...
All right.

Gentlemen, uh,
this appears to be a party.

Guys, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go look for Nadia.

Good luck.

Ahh.

So what was this year
like for you?

Did you miss high school?

Well, no. When you travel
as much as I do,

you get used to
moving on.

But I have great memories.

Wow, can we go in there?
The lighthouse?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes, we can.

How romantic.

Jim, come on.

Wow!

Oh, it's beautiful!

Cool!

Jim, I have told you my
memories from high school.

What are yours?

Oh, uh...

Well, uh, you.

You have not changed.

Jim, relax.

We are just,
how do you say,
tooting our horns.

Actually, that is
quite difficult.

How do you mean?

Well, this one time
at band camp,

I...

Holy shit.

What? Tell me.

Uh, well, uh,

this one time
at band camp,

I got stuck
playing this trombone.

And I can't play
anything at all.
So I totally sucked.

And everyone thought
I was this Petey guy,

but I didn't know
what to think, so I just
kept playing and playing,

and I didn't know
what I was doing.

It was so funny!

I gotta go.
What? Why?

Nadia,

please don't take this
the wrong way,

but, but you're...

You're everything
that I used to want.

And as much
as I may really,

really regret
what I'm about to do,

there's somebody else
I want to be with.

You want
the band geek?

Nadia, I am a band geek.

I just never
joined the band.

You go get your geek.

Someday I will find mine.

Hey, um, Kevin Myers.

Hi. Sorry I was
a dick before.

It's okay, man.
My name's Brett.

Uh, could you
give us a sec?
Sure.

Look, you don't
have to do this.

Maybe I was
being selfish

in wanting to be
your friend.

Maybe it's just
not gonna work.
Victoria,

I would much rather have you
as a friend than not have you
in my life at all.

Yeah!
Party on!

Yeah! Yeah!

I don't know. From the
lighthouse all the way...
Hey, handsome.

Heather! Hey.
Hi.

What are you doing here?

I was gonna pick you up
at the airport in, like,
two hours.

I took an earlier flight,
and I thought
I'd surprise you.

Yeah, you did.
Kinda weird without
the phone, huh?

We'll get used to it.

Come on. I wanna
hear all about it.
We'll grab you a drink.

Steve, this cop-watch
thing is horseshit.

Hello?

Man, this sucks.

Who is it out there?

It's the Stifmeister, baby.

Is that so?

Life's a bitch,
isn't it?

It's all right.
You don't have to
say anything.

I'm used to girls
ignoring me.

Or making fun of me.

"Come on, Sherman.
Be the Sherminator."

Like the movie.
How clever.

I get it, okay?

Maybe I am a geek.

Whatever.

Yes! Yes, you are!

All right.

I am the Sherminator.
Ohh!

A sophisticated
sex robot sent
back through time

to change the future
for one lucky lady.

I am lucky lady?

That's right, Nadia.
You've been targeted
for Shermination.

Come with me
if you want to live.

Oh! Oh, no!

Help!

Ohh! Fuck me, geek!
Affirmative!

No fuckin' way!

Forget it.
Like you have a chance.

Cheers, bud.

Hey, Steve,
look what I found.

Dude, don't touch the shirt.
Just look.

Hi.
Hey, there.

Brilliant.
You found lesbians.

Good luck trying to break
through that force field.

Lesbians?
We never said that.

What?
We never said that.

Oh.
Oh, man.

I will do anything,
anything to sleep
with you chicks.

Okay? I'll grab
every guy's ass
in this room.

I'll caress it, even.
I'll shave some ass
if they need it.

Oh, yeah.
You heard me.

It's true.
I'll kiss everybody here.
Dudes, chicks, everybody.

Because I am comfortable
with my sexuality.

Oh, yeah.

At least have a drink
with the Stifmeister.

All right.
That's fair.

All right.

You truly are
a Stifmeister.

Welcome back to the party.

Steve, those are
my lesbians.
Oh, ladies.

Ladies, I am down
with the funky shit.

Like what?
One time at this party,
I was drinking champagne...

Thank you. Thank you.

Our next soloist
will be Michelle Flaherty.

Petey?

This kid is killing me.

You suck, retard.
I'm not retarded.

I'm a very special boy.

Jim!

How's this
for a band camp story?

Come on, guys.
Let's hear it for Petey!

Talented bastard!

Good for them.
Yeah, it's awesome.

Want to dance?
Yeah.

We'll be back.
Come on, baby!

You know, there's
only one word
for that party:

Bitchin'.
Out of control.

Dude, am I gonna
have a hangover?
'Cause I want one.

Good-bye.
See ya.

Let's go to our page.
Oh, my gosh. We have to
write about this party.

This party was crazy!
Look at my date!
He's passed out!

You drank him
under the table.
He couldn't hang out with us.

Oh!

Best summer ever,
huh, fellas?
Absolutely.

Sorry things didn't
work out for you, Finch.
You kiddin'? Things are great.

I have all
the time in the world.

So, are we gonna
do this every summer?

Oh, yeah, we are.
Of course we are,
gentlemen.

Well, we're gonna try.

Sweet car.
It is sweet.

Where's Finch going?

Stifler's mom.
Hey, Finchy.

How did you know
I was here?

I called a couple
of weeks ago.

Didn't Steven tell you that
I was gonna drop by sometime?

I guess it, uh,
slipped his mind.

Hey, what's your name?

Jeanine.

Jeanine.
Okay, uh, well,

I've been thinking,
and, you know,
I'm 19 years old.

There's a whole world
out there. I can't be
obsessed with one woman.

Just can't be.

I'm glad you're
learning, Finchy.

Good.
Good.

You want to get it on?

You better clear
your schedule.

See you guys later.

Where are you goin', man?
What about Dog Years?

Uh, give me, like,
uh, three days.

Wait, was that...
Was that who I think...

No.
Yeah. Yeah!

I think it was.
I think so, too.

Son of a...

Who the hell was that?

That was, uh...
That was...
Someone was lost.

Lookin' for the lake.
Yeah, all
turned around.

What a dumbass.
The lake's right there.

Incredible.
How does Finch
get so lucky?

Ah. What are you
worried about?
You got a girlfriend now.

Everything in.
Let's go. Pony up.
Dog Years awaits.

Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I do.

I have
a girlfriend now.
Yeah, you do.

She's my girlfriend.
All right, Jimbo.

Let's go! Let's go!

Hey, where's Shitbreak?
The movies.

Took the bus.
Coffee.

Wait a second.

Who the fuck
was in that car?

Oh, Finchy,
I missed you.

Yeah. Oh, God.
Jeanine. Jeanine.
Call me Stifler's mom.

Oh! Stifler's mom!

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