Original subtitles

- [POUNDING ON DOOR] - What the hell!

- It's only 3:00 p.m.! - STAN: Family announcement!

- [POUNDING ON DOOR] - Family announcement!

Luckily, stool-softening pill hasn't kicked in...

- [FLATULATES] - Ohhhhhhh!

- [POUNDING ON DOOR] - Family announcement.

Luckily, my orgasm pill hasn't kicked in...

Aaah!

Welcome to family announcement.

As you are all aware, I've been on the wait list

for the Shaquille O'Neal Center for Intense Sleep Apnea.

They only accept the loudest three percent of snorers

in the nation, and I am in!

Top three, baby!

[APPLAUSE]

Well, they called, and a spot opened up tonight.

Tonight?

But it's Third Friday of the month...

our Friday fun night.

Oh, right. Damn.

Hon, just do the study.

- We'll go out next month. - No, no, no.

It's very important you get a night out.

- You work so hard. - I do?

It's an expression.

Hayley, how about taking your mother out tonight?

Can't. Tonight's the night we slice all the olives

for the entire year at Sub Hub.

- But I can lend you Jeff. - Hmm.

I like that for Francine.

Have him washed, dressed,

and at the base of the stairs by 7:00.

Family announcement adjourned.

I look forward to organically crossing paths

with each of you around the house.

Steve, did you get a chance to look at the e-mail

I sent you with a link to all my hilarious, accurate,

and irreverent impressions?

- Yeah, I guess. - You guess?!

I sent it to you like 15 times.

Which e-mail address?

SteveSmith69@gmail.

Oh, that one got hacked.

- Uh, send it to SteveSmith420. - What?!

You were able to get 420 and 69?

Man, every other Steve Smith must be a loser!

[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪♪

Jeff, I want to thank you for Hayley making you do this.

You're welcome?

No. You're welcome.

Right.

Before Francine and I were married,

she was a pretty wild woman.

She's mellowed over the years,

but she's still wild at heart,

and there's always the risk she can relapse.

- With me so far? - No.

Hmm.

Better join me in my metaphor corner.

Look at that bird

flapping, tweeting, darting around.

It's happy because it thinks

it's positively going wild.

But what would happen if I open a window

and really let it go wild?

[GASPS] It would fly right into the sun!

Yes. Yes, it would.

Uh, I'm the bird.

- No. - I'm the cage?

No. You're... You're not really represented in this metaphor.

Oh. Do you still need me tomorrow?

It's tonight, Jeff.

Tonight, we let Francine out of her cage,

and you're going to be there to prevent her

from flying into the sun.

So I am the cage.

You're not in the metaphor!

Take what time you need, then meet me back at my desk.

Ah. You made it. Over the years,

I've calculated the precise amount of stimulus

Francine needs to feel like she's going wild

without really going wild.

Like the bird.

That's right. The 75 minutes you spent

in the corner served you well.

Now, pay close attention because you're about to get

a crash course in Francine Control.

No cinnamon. Its aroma is too primal.

Do not let her put on flat shoes.

She ran track in high school, and you'll never catch her.

Do not let her get wind in her hair.

It conjures strange passions.

None of those clown scarves you can keep pulling on forever.

No Israeli couscous, and I mean zero.

And finally, if all else fails,

remind her another episode of Tom Selleck's "Blue Bloods"

starts at 10:00 on CBS.

She falls for the bait of sexy Magnum

and ends up dozing off in bed

to a series of family dinner scenes.

This is too much to remember!

You've been talking for hours!

Don't worry, I put everything on the card.

You can count on me, Mr. S.

And one more thing, it's probably best Francine

doesn't see the card.

But I can see it, right?

[SIGHS] Yes, Jeff.

That's the cornerstone of our plan.

♪♪

We'll start with two tap waters.

And a white wine spritzer.

Wine and bubbles...

that could be wild.

Excuse me!

How's the lighting under the table?

The best in all of Langley.

You can bring the spritzer!

What are you doing down there?

Playing cat's cradle.

I was looking up your dress, Mrs. S.

Oh!

Ready to order? Can I suggest you start

with our new Tableside Guacamole?

[GASPS] Tableside, oh my!

I read in Sky Ways Magazine that Kiefer Sutherland

has tableside guac every time he's in San Antonio.

Guacamole...

guacamole...

Sorry, Your Honor, but guacamole's forbidden.

Oh, let's have some.

Let's live a little, Jeff.

- [SNAPS] - [HORN HONKS]

♪ Tableside, tableside ♪

♪ So much hotter when it's tableside ♪

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

I... I don't know if we have time for this.

"Blue Bloods" starts at 10:00, you know?

Hmm. I guess we'll pass.

I heard in tonight's episode, the DEA comes down hard

on the family, and Tom Selleck

has a booger in his mustache

that no one tells him about for the entire day.

♪♪

Okay, Steve.

Got the house to yourself.

Time for some risky business.

Now all I need is some royalty-free tunes.

Alexa, play Bob Sargar's "New Town Rock N' Loll."

- [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS] - Aaah!

_

_

_

_

♪♪

Klaus? What happened?

Pretty nasty fall.

But don't worry, I'll take care of you.

I don't get it, our living room floor

has never been that slippery.

Slippy Oil?

Oh, you just had

to look over at the Slippy Oil, Steve.

[GRUNTS]

Oh, you're not going anywhere.

Oh, you should have read my e-mails, Steve.

Y-You're saying "Oh"

in front of everything you say, Klaus.

Oh, am I?

♪♪

Mmm! That was good.

So brown, so broiled, with such a mild mustard.

I'm sorry, sir, this isn't a credit card.

This is a note card with impossibly tiny writing.

"Francine Date Night Dos and Don'ts?"

"No pickles over three inches?"

"Only allowed to move pawns in chess?"

"No Cocoa Puffs or any other cereals

that drive their mascots insane?"

It's not what it looks like!

Mr. S just wants to keep you from going wild.

♪ Wild women do ♪

Ooooooh.

I haven't gone wild in a long time.

♪ And they don't regret it ♪

Guess what, Jeff?

This Friday Fun Night is about to go wild,

and Stan can't stop me, and neither can you.

Flat shoes!

Wait for me, Mrs. S!

I can't let you go wild!

Five orders of Tableside Guac!

Mrs. S!

Couldn't order six, huh? It's all right.

I'll stay here and [BLEEP] myself, why don't I?

I'm going wild!

Truck jump.

Whoa! Cool!

Oh, sick!

Aah!

No way!

- [THUD] - Aaah!

Stop! For God's sake, stop!

Oh! What's gonna happen?

[SCREAMS]

Tasty!

Mrs. S, please don't go wild.

What if I just go "hi-yuh?"

- What? - Hi-ya!

Aw, man. Party's over.

Oh, yeah! Back on.

♪♪

You think it's okay to ignore my e-mails?

Well, now you're gonna watch all my impressions.

Here's Martha Stewart encountering a demon...

"Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Time to cook the recipe and put the thing in the oven."

Aaah!

- Oh, God! - This the lady

who used to work at the Chimdale Jack in the Box

visiting her former co-workers for the first time.

"I'm baaaaack!"

Somebody kill me!

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]

Another round!

- Whoooo! - Francine!

Yeah!

Whoa!

Yeah, bar fight!

- Ugh! - Wait. Is this a fight?

Nah, he was thrown off our mechanical bull.

That's the most dangerous bull in the country,

aside from bull shit.

Misinformation is the real national crisis.

Y'all want some popcorn?

[SMOOCHES] Here, Mrs. S!

F.S.

Francine Smith!

Coyote Ugly! Coyote Ugly!

Whoooooo!

Let me kick your beer!

Mrs. S, what are you doing?

Gotcha!

BARTENDER: And stay out!

Ooooooh. Fun alley.

Let's get murdered by Batman's parents.

Can we just go home now?

Come on, Jeff. You don't want to do that.

You know that deep down inside, you're like me...

a wild woman!

I'm... I'm a man.

And how wild is that?!

Now, close your eyes, Jeff, and listen to your heart.

♪ Wild women do ♪

[GASPS] I heard it!

Shh. It's not done.

♪ And they don't regret it ♪

There's no downside!

That's right.

Now, let's show them we can go as wild as we want!

Yeah!

Let's do a series of quick, little things,

each more wild than the last.

♪ Wild women do, and they don't regret it ♪

♪♪

♪ Wild women show what they're goin' through ♪

♪ Oooh, ooh ♪

♪ Wild women do what you think they'll never ♪

[FRANCINE WHISTLES]

♪ What you only dream about wild women do ♪

♪ Ohhhhh, yes ♪

♪ Listen to me, Jack, I ain't holdin' back ♪

[SNORING LOUDLY]

♪ 'Cause wild women do ♪

♪ And they don't regret it ♪

Hey, I know what might be fun.

Let's take something from a person.

Let's show a human being the true meaning of fear.

- Stick 'em up! - This is a bank robbery!

[SCREAMS]

Delmonaco?

Francine!

And who's this piece of ass?

This is Jeff, my son-in-law.

Jeff, Delmonaco, my dealer of drugs.

Mwah. Enchanté.

This is too crazy.

I'm actually gonna go hang out

one-on-one with my dry cleaner.

You guys should come!

Just you and your dry cleaner?

That sounds crazy! We're doing it!

Now, you should know, Mr. Rick is a dry cleaner,

so he hates washing machines.

Mr. Rick, it's me, Delmonaco.

MR. RICK: Bullshit! You're a washing machine!

Washing machines don't knock on doors, Mr. Rick.

Sounds like what a washing machine would say!

[WHISPERING] Come into my house really fast, really fast.

This guy's got a great energy.

Welcome to paradise.

Let me outline your night for you.

We sit around, we huff dry-cleaning chemicals,

we have a scintillating conversation.

I have only one rule...

I feel silly even mentioning it...

Nobody's allowed to turn into a washing machine.

It happens. And if it does,

I will take care of business!

Second rule... so the conversation remains orderly,

you speak when I have the knife to your throat.

You have the floor, m'lady.

Mr. Rick, I need to use the restroom.

So does Jeff.

It's the first door past the old Hollywood Video sign.

This guy is giving me bad vibes.

- In what way? - He's insane!

The toilet's right here, and the toilet-scrubbing brush

is all the way over there!

We proved we could get wild,

but I think we should go home now.

This is my first time getting wild.

I'm not going back to my cage.

I'm flying straight to the sun.

MR. RICK: How are you guys doing?!

If you spilled on yourselves, don't worry,

I have two bedrooms full of women's clothes.

I am particularly proud of my sundress collection!

But not so proud I couldn't see myself giving you one

if I thought it looked good on you.

Jeff, I think we should get out of here.

[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]

[BOTH SCREAM]

Bathroom time is over.

It's game time!

- [GUN COCKS] - Wha...

What game are we playing?

It's Hot Potato with a loaded gun.

My dear friend Tom Sizemore taught me this game.

[MUZAK PLAYS]

But first, Tetrachloroethylene?

Tetrachloroethylene?

No?

[SNIFFING]

Ooooh! Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow, whoa!

♪♪

Whoa! It's hot! [LAUGHS]

- Aah! - Aah!

[LAUGHS]

They're afraid of a little gun, Delmonaco!

Psych! Psych! Pysch!

You guys hear that?

Someone's at the door.

Could be a washing machine.

[BOTH SCREAM]

My dry cleaner is dead!

I am so sorry, Deltaco.

Why must God take the perfect ones?!

Now I have to tell his 13-year-old girlfriend!

We're going to call the cops right now and explain.

But our fingerprints are all over that gun.

My God! What are we gonna do?!

I'll call my fixer. He'll get us out of this.

Listen carefully to my instructions,

we'll cover up this murder

and all go back to our beautiful evenings.

I need you to make some hot Jasmine tea.

Very weak.

I have a very strong intolerance to Jasmine.

It's like poison to me... total organ failure.

But the flavor... get out of town!

It's like I'm drinking a warm summer night.

Are you gonna get him the tea?

Sounds like he shouldn't have it.

Okay, first, this body needs

to disappear without a trace.

Oh, it's so bloody!

God, it's all over.

Ugh!

Okay, this is a problem.

I saw an episode of "CSI" where the cops found blood,

and they used it to solve the crime.

This blood has to disappear without a trace.

I'll Google how. Phone.

I do swipe text. Watch how fast.

Kind of tricky with this blood all over my hands,

but... oh, here we go.

WOMAN: 911. What's your emergency?

[ALL GASP]

- Murder. - [ALL GASP]

There was a murder.

But don't you worry, it's being handled by me

and the other killers.

A patrol car's been dispatched to your location.

Well, not everything worked out

the way we thought it would.

But I declare this situation...

...fixed!

I got to find a new dry cleaner.

Fixer, murder! Fixer, murder!

Fixer, murder! Fixer, murder!

Fixer, murder!

Okay, this is John Cusack

being yelled at by an Uber driver.

"Get out, John Cusack!

You can't tell me I can't smoke in my own car!"

I don't understand. Why didn't you do John Cusack?

I can't do Cusack. He's impossible!

Caliendo can't even do Cusack!

This is my impression of a domestic dispute

I overheard at the mall last winter.

"It's a bigger issue than the fries, Jeanine.

You don't respect me!"

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God. I get it now.

- It's good. - Yes.

You're a genius.

All it took was being held captive

for six hours to realize it.

Yeah, I'm a bit of an acquired taste.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, I know I'm good, but you're giving me

a Horatio Sanz-level reception here.

Give me more. More!

You know, I totally forgot today's the day

I was supposed to help Jurgen hunt Slender Man.

And I've already pushed the hunt like five times,

so I'll just release you from your bonds,

and we can both go our separate ways.

I may be free to go, but I'm a slave to laughter.

Now do Al Pacino forgetting the combination

to his gym locker!

Somebody help me!

That's exactly what'd he say!

[LAUGHS]

[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]

Dang it. The cops are here,

and the Uber's still three minutes out.

I'd cancel it, but that's my rating on the line.

[SOBS] We're going to jail

for murder.

Stan was right.

We're too wild

to be trusted with ourselves.

Hold on, Mrs. S.

Maybe alone we can't take care of ourselves,

but there's two of us.

We got to be able to help each other.

How?

♪ Wild women do ♪

By going wild.

Dresses.

[SIREN WAILS, TIRES SQUEAL]

Am I crazy,

or are all those paint samples the same red?

♪ Wild women do, and they don't regret it ♪

Hey, boys.

Whooo-hoooooo!

Dispatch, I'd like to report

three beautiful ladies in sundresses.

All we got here is a 3-1-3.

DISPATCHER: Women going wild and doing what they do?

Yeah, I said 3-1-3.

Why do we even have these codes

if you insist on explaining them?

Well, I'll tell you why.

Because I'm training someone.

Oh, gosh. I'm sorry.

Wait a minute.

Put the trainee on.

[GROANS]

All right, there's no trainee.

You never miss a beat.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da- da-da-da-da!

Pah!

I declare this whole night... no crimes!

Now we need to figure out what to do with Mr. Rick.

What if he died again...

for the first time?

[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SQUEAL]

[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS]

This previously-alive women was just killed!

Another one?

Throw her in the pile in back.

Okay, who ordered mozzarella sticks?

I have not been writing things down.

I hate when they don't write things down.

- I had a lot of fun tonight. - So did I.

I was thinking, since we got away with this,

we could make a thing of it.

Go wild together once a month?

Pbht! Pass.

Pbht! Pbht!

Just kidding. We're best friends now.

♪ Wild women whoooo! ♪

♪ Woman ♪

"American Dad" time is over.

Bye-bye. See you soon.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com