Original subtitles

The only thing as delicious as those first few bites

of a truly great burger

are those first few dates with someone truly great...

Like Berger.

All right, so I thought, "That's cool, I'll do a book reading in my hometown."

Right about after the fifth question,

I realized that my mother is heckling me.

-She was not. -No, no. She was.

Ask anybody at the Downers Grove,

Barnes and Noble, all right. They still talk about it.

Come here.

Everything is fresh. Everything is a first.

-You like your beef? -Everything is foreplay.

Even a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond can become an ecstatic errand.

I don't see you as a fish person.

Yeah the problem with the fish is, then you're into the whole fish theme.

You have the fish soap, fish bath mat.

It's a pyramid scheme, this shower curtain.

Now this one,

-this is the one I have at home. -Mm-hm.

Except on mine, China's covered in mold.

And here they thought communism was a problem.

Mm.

You know, it's a very intimate thing, shopping for shower curtains.

Oh, yeah? Wait till I get you into bedding.

And of course, those first kisses

are the greatest kisses in the world.

Good night.

All right. We should get out of here before they turn the lights off.

Oh... Well...

The waitstaff couldn't wait any longer.

And neither could I.

I wanted Berger in my bed, bath and beyond.

Immediately.

I'm either leaving a very big tip or a dry cleaning receipt.

-Ow, my hair. -Oh! Sorry.

-Was that... -Yeah, no, I just...

The next night Samantha convinced us to go to Raw

where the scene was hot and the food was not.

You'd think a place that eliminated cooking could eliminate waiting.

What do you mean, they don't cook the food here?

That's why they call it Raw. The Raw Food Movement? People love it.

Sting, Demi, Soon-Yi, soon me.

Now, what is raw food exactly?

Vegan non-dairy, and nothing is cooked over 118 degrees.

So, in other words, raw vegetables.

-And sometimes flowers. -And you knew about this?

-I read a review in The Times. -Where, in the gardening section?

-I heard it's delicious. -People, the emperor has no oven.

I'm sorry. Sorry. I didn't get enough sleep last night.

Really? Did you finally bugger Berger?

How long have you been waiting to say that?

-It just occurred to me. -Yes we finally buggered.

Yay!

You realize you are now applauding intercourse?

Well, it was their first time and she really likes him.

Jones. Your table is ready.

Oh!

So, details.

Uh... it was good. It was fine.

-Fine? -I don't really wanna talk about it.

-He couldn't get it up? -He could get it up.

That wasn't the-- You know what? There was no problem. Moving on.

-Enjoy your meal. -Thanks.

What? I don't wanna make a big deal about it.

It was just the first time.

We're so good everywhere else.

We're great in restaurants, it's like poppity pop-pop.

And the kisses are great. And then in bed...

There was... there was no sexual chemistry.

I don't know what happened. He just...

-Couldn't find you clit? -He knows what he's doing.

Then what are we talking about?

It was... it was just quiet.

I wouldn't worry about it, Carrie.

If the kisses were great, then the sex will eventually be good.

-I'm not worried. -How quiet was it?

It was so quiet that at one point I heard the M-11 bus.

I heard the doors open, I heard people getting off.

Well at least someone was getting off. And speaking of...

Hey. Welcome to Raw.

Hello.

We'd like to get you started with a little amuse-bouche.

I'd like him to amuse my bouche.

-Well, this just looks delicious. -It's our summer vegetable soup.

I see you guys are set for drinks,

so I'll give you a minute with the menus.

And-- Oh, our specials tonight if you're interested.

Oh I'm extremely interested.

Leek papaya patties and zucchini enchiladas.

Mm.

I'm gonna need a pizza after this.

I'm gonna need a napkin to dry off my seat.

That waiter was hot.

-And the soup is not. -What is this?

Bad. This is bad. It is like lawn in a bowl.

Maybe something should be over 118 degrees.

Like sex, for example?

Can we please forget I said anything? Seriously.

Who else has news?

I do.

But you're gonna have to put down your menus

because I need your undivided attention.

Well, you'll have to shoot our waiter. Will you look at that ass.

Do you mind?

I have something a bit shocking to say.

And after I say it, I don't want anyone to react

because I'm very happy with my decision.

I'm becoming a Jew.

-What? -I can feel you reacting.

I love Harry very much and he loves me.

So tomorrow, I'm meeting with the rabbi to discuss converting.

Isn't that a lot of hoop-jumping for a man?

Look. Harry's not who I expected to fall in love with, but I did.

And he makes me laugh, and he says what he means...

And I feel like I can be myself around him.

But yourself is Episcopalian.

And it is still the most exciting sex I've ever had.

Mazel tov.

Now this is food. And you know what's even better?

While I'm eating this slice of pizza,

my boyfriend is home taping my favorite TV show.

And to which boyfriend are we referring?

-My boyfriend TiVo. -Ah!

-You've traded Steve-o for TiVo. -We don't talk of Steve-o anymore.

-I thought if I changed his name... -Who needs him?

With TiVo, when there's something I don't enjoy,

-I just speed right through it. -If only we could do that in life.

Exactly. And he surprises me with things he think I might like.

Which is how I got hooked on Jules and Mimi.

I stopped watching television when people

started putting leaches down their pants.

No. No. No. This is BBC America.

It's about a beautiful black man from Brixton

and a white woman from Hampstead Heath.

I don't know what that means exactly, but apparently there's a great divide.

And he rents the flat above her hat shop and tonight, they're finally having sex.

Well, good luck to them.

-Carrie, it was the first time. -I know.

And sometimes you have to work at it.

Have you ever had to work at it?

I'm dating a digital recording device.

Well, I have never had to work at it with someone I really like.

You should probably keep that to yourself.

Okay, but Miranda...

I gotta tell you. It was not good.

There was no... no... No throw-down.

-It was more like a slowdown. -Hm.

And it caught me completely off guard because I thought it would be amazing.

-Well, maybe that's the problem. -What?

Your expectations were too high. Of course you were disappointed.

From now on, people should tell it like it is.

First time sex? Tricky.

Non-dairy vegan ravioli? Kindergarten paste.

As I tried to scrub the smell of uncooked okra off me...

I started thinking about sexpectations.

We're aware as smart, single women that we can't expect perfection

but life still manages to throw us curve balls.

Maybe once you're into your mid-thirties,

it shouldn't be called dating,

it should be called "waiting for the other shoe to drop."

If it's not the sex between me and you, then someone has to become a Jew.

Why is it always something?

Unless you're in a problem-free relationship with TiVo.

No. No. Maybe later.

Hello.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Thank you.

Jules. Are you there?

Hello, Mimi.

Do you always answer the door without your shirt on?

The heat isn't working and that's why I rang you up.

Seems to be working. It's definitely balmy in here.

No. The problem is in the bedroom.

Right. Of course. The bedroom.

The next day, Charlotte boldly went where no York had gone before.

The synagogue.

Shalom. Where would I find the rabbi?

His study. Inside.

Thank you.

-Are you the rabbi? -Yes.

Hi, my name is Charlotte York

and I'm here today because I would like to consider joining the Jewish faith.

We're not interested.

Hello. I need to report a very rude man.

I was just saying that my name is Charlotte York

and I would like to consider joining the Jewish...

I don't know what is with these people. I never...

Do you know how much I love you for doing this?

Do you know how sexy you look?

That's it. I have to have you immediately.

- Harry definitely had throwdown

but Charlotte was too thrown and down to care.

Stop, Harry. I'm feeling very rejected by your people.

That's the game, baby. They try to make it hard for you.

-What? -It's part of the process.

Traditionally, they turn you down three times to make sure you're serious.

Suddenly Charlotte understood.

They were playing hard to get.

They were rules rabbis.

I can play that game.

I invented that game.

-No man rejects Charlotte York. -I don't care what any rabbi says.

-You are my chosen person. - Oh!

Miranda was looking forward to another perfect night

with her perfect boyfriend.

But unfortunately, there was another woman.

I think I did something bad.

What do you mean? Brady? I just checked on him.

No, boy is beautiful, is fine.

TiVo?

What did you do? Exactly, what did you do?

I sit on...

-and then nothing. -You sat on TiVo?

Is it okay?

Nothing is recorded. How could you do this?

This is Jules and Mimi, the morning after.

No. No. No. No. No.

Yes.

And across town, I lay in bed willing Berger to call me,

which never works.

-Hello. - Hey, it's me.

I'm sorry for not calling earlier.

And I know this is the same excuse that every guy gives

but in my case it is true.

A 60-foot raccoon was attacking the village.

And I had to trap it and kill it and stuff it.

And everybody's safe now.

Even the little Flanders girl who was stuck in a tree.

But I might have rabies. What have you been up to?

Oh, same old, same old. Did The Times crossword puzzle,

found a cure for cancer.

-You did The Time's cross word puzzle? -Monday's not Sunday's.

Oh, okay.

I need like three people to do Sunday's. One of them has to have the answers.

I was thinking that if two people can be good in bed

when they're not in the same bed,

how hard a conversion could it be?

I have some answers if you have cab fare.

Oh, yeah?

Dump him.

Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.

Is that the saying?

That's my saying.

I don't wanna dump him. I think he's fantastic.

And aren't we getting a little old to jump to the dump?

What about working on things?

Look at Charlotte. She's becoming a Jew.

Hi...

I need something that will make a guy come in his pants as soon as he sees me.

Got it.

-You talk to salespeople like that? -I'm here all the time. They love me.

Is this for a specific gentlemen or do you just look for that generally?

It's for that hot waiter from Raw. I'm sleeping with him tonight.

But he doesn't know it yet.

I think I have to talk to him.

-No. -We talk about everything else.

Honey, when it comes to sex, spray it, don't say it.

Okay, that was unnecessary.

I'm trying to salvage your love life.

The only words you should be saying in bed are dirty ones.

I can't do that. Without alcohol.

Then start drinking.

Because if you want a hotter sex life, you're gonna have to turn up the heat.

Starting with.

-I don't wear furry shoes. -They're not for you, they're for him.

He mostly wears loafers. Are you sure I can't talk to him about it?

Honey.

If the sex isn't great, it doesn't help to say it's not great.

That's usually a downer. And by that I mean, uh-uh. Uh...

Yeah. Plus he must know it's not great. He can't think this is good.

Oh, God.

Is it possible he thinks this is good?

Here we are.

Oh, as a matter of fact. I'm gonna take this.

No, we'll take two. And these in a seven.

That evening Miranda had one of those regrettable discussions

that results from the belief

that you and your significant other

should be able to talk through any problem.

We have been over this before. I feel like you are not listening to me.

I turned the system off for ten minutes and nothing changed!

I'm sorry. I'm upset.

I'm just so disappointed.

I got used to coming home to something. Can't you work with me on this?

You told me to do that already. What is wrong with you?

Ugh!

Friday night with Berger.

I had my sexy lingerie under my cool couture

and I was feeling good.

You look so hot in that shirt.

Are you being serious?

Okay. We're gonna need some drinks.

-Oh, hey - Hi.

Well, it's still happy hour so frozen margaritas are two-for-one.

All right. Okay.

-When in Rome. -Sure.

Since we were 0 for 2, I figured two for one was a good idea.

And after three unreturned phone calls,

Charlotte decided to make a house call.

Hello, Rabbi. I brought you some kosher wine.

I'm sorry but my husband can't see you now.

Excuse me. I don't mean to be rude but I think he can.

Miss. What...

Look, I'm 37 years old. I'm reproductively challenged.

I'm in love with a Jewish person and it took me 20 years to find him.

I don't have time to play these games.

All right, Charlotte. Lesson number one. You have to give it a rest.

Because it's about to be Sabbath, the day of rest.

You wanna be a Jew?

Sit.

Watch.

Learn.

Oh, that is so sweet, but actually, I'm supposed to meet my boyfriend...

I can skip it.

Come, girls. Gather.

Oh. Sorry.

- Amen. -Amen.

And Samantha was at Raw, ready to get things cooking.

-Hey, welcome to Raw. -Hello. I was here the other night.

That's what happens. You come once, you just keep coming over and over.

Here's hoping.

I'll be with you in a minute. I'm getting slammed tonight.

For some reason the hostess keeps seating everyone in my section.

Be right back.

-Sorry I took so long. - Hi.

Suddenly, Samantha realized

why the Raw Food Movement was a movement.

Women weren't there for the cold food.

They were there for the hot waiter.

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry.

Hey, big boy, look who's home.

Oh, I got held up at work. Thanks for filling in.

Hi. Hi, cutie. Hi, cutie. Did the TiVo guy come?

Uh, no. They called and said they have to reschedule for a week from Thursday.

A week from Thursday?

Yeah. But I played around with a few things and I think it's okay now.

-What do you mean, it's working? -Yep.

I love you. I mean, you know, for fixing that.

Yeah. Well, Magda said it was kind of important.

So... Listen, I gotta take off.

-Hot date? -Yeah. I got this dinner thing.

So, I'll see you later, champ, all right?

Some things, like a broken TiVo, can be repaired.

And others, like a broken heart, are a little more complicated.

Four hours and four courses of uncooked food later,

Samantha and her competitors waited it out.

Maybe they were less horny, maybe it was all that roughage

but one by one, women threw in the napkin.

Can I get you anything else?

Oh, no. I'm just enjoying my delicious mushroom tea.

Okay.

-Did you want anything else? -You know what.

I would like to have some of that key lime custard.

It sounds too good to pass up.

Okay.

Honey, you've put up a good fight

but you have no idea who you're dealing with.

I'm going home with him and you're going home with key lime custard.

So, what do you say, I buy your dinner and we call it a night. Hm?

-Okay. -Check!

Meanwhile, I was finally confident I could heat up my sex life

because I was a sex columnist. I was resourceful.

And I was drunkety drunk drunk.

Okay.

-There. Oh.

I got a little something for you.

And you're gonna love it.

Look at that. Hm?

Get ready, mister...

'cause...

'cause I got something under here for you.

Oh. And I have shoes.

Wait till you see me in these. Hm?

Oh.

Hey, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Whoo!

- And after a night of Raw food,

Samantha enjoyed an all-nighter of raw sex.

Hey. Can I tell you a secret?

You're 12.

You didn't have to order all that shit.

I was ready to go home with you last Tuesday.

Now you tell me. I ate a fucking cactus.

Get back down there and make it up to me.

Awesome.

Samantha was still having sex when it dawned on me

that Berger and I hadn't.

-Hey. -Hey.

We both knew it was now or never.

That morning I resigned myself to the idea that I would never again

have frozen drinks or hot sex.

-I suck. This is awful. -I know.

I've never been this bad.

Look, I don't want to toot my own horn here, all right,

but I'm way better than this.

I've actually been told that I'm good at this.

I don't know what the fuck is happening.

-We're so good everywhere else. -Would you look at us in restaurants?

-We're the best. -We're the couple you wanna be.

All right, we gotta make the bed more like a restaurant.

-Are you coming back? -Yeah. Grab something that'll help.

Now we're talking, huh? What do you have there, a pet?

-Shoes. -Oh.

Here, and...

Berger, what if we're just not good together in bed?

No, don't say that. All right, look.

I choked. We had it all going on.

-We did. -And I thought it would be great

and I wanted it to be great and I choked.

And I came over the next night and I thought it would be better and...

-I choked. -What's up?

We should be smoking, not choking.

I think sometimes the rhyme helps.

I agree.

Boy, those are some very sexy shoes.

-Shall I put them on? -Yeah. Hey. Couldn't hurt.

All right. Here.

Throw some of that over your left shoulder.

Come on. You want things to get worse?

-I was gonna talk to you about it but... -Yeah, I wanted to talk to you but...

Well, let's make a deal. I talk to you, you talk to me.

We should be able to talk about these things.

-Let's talk about it. -We'll talk.

That morning, the other shoe dropped.

And it wasn't bad at all.

In fact, it was kind of hot.

Give me one more chance And you'll be satisfied

Give me two more chances You won't be denied

Well, my heart is where it's always been

My head is somewhere in between

Give me one more chance Let me be your lover tonight

Check it out

You're the real thing Yeah, the real thing

You take me higher

You're the real thing

Even better than the real thing

Even better than the real thing