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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:09,301 2 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,384 One night, four ladies in the east 3 00:00:50,467 --> 00:00:52,511 met at Compass to discuss going west. 4 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:56,306 I have to go to San Francisco on a book tour. 5 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,307 -Thank you. - You're welcome. 6 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,184 You wouldn't go to the Upper West Side. 7 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:01,395 Suddenly, you're going to San Francisco? 8 00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,731 They're making me. Apparently, I'm very big in San Francisco. 9 00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:07,359 You mean, Big is in San Francisco. 10 00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,987 Okay, yes, perhaps I'll see Big. 11 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,532 Guys, I need to have sex. It's been too long. 12 00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:16,034 Lately, I've been having these dreams where I run. 13 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:19,580 I run up to complete strangers 14 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:22,624 -and just start kissing them. -If all you want is sex, 15 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:25,377 you don't have to go across the country, just go across the restaurant. 16 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,796 Those guys have been checking us out ever since they sat down. 17 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:33,343 Oh! Cute, cute, cute. 18 00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:35,345 Boring, boring and boring. 19 00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:38,724 -Like these scallops. -I love the food here. 20 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,560 -Same old, same old. -Same old? It just opened last week. 21 00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,438 Scallops are scallops, and bachelors are bachelors. 22 00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:46,648 Sounds to me like you might be experiencing 23 00:01:46,732 --> 00:01:49,526 a "been there, done them" existential crisis. 24 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,863 It's not me, it's New York. Nothing is ever really new. 25 00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,073 In fact, they should change the name to "Same York." 26 00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,075 You're nuts. These scallops are fantastic, 27 00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:58,910 and those guys are cute. 28 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:01,371 You should go say hi. May I? 29 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,498 No, I don't want to say hi. I want to say, 30 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,959 "Could one of you lie on top of me for a while?" 31 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,588 I need to feel the weight of a man on me. 32 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:12,299 It's times like this, I wish women could go to male prostitutes. 33 00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:13,425 Women do. 34 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,470 No, only in bad screenplays and first novels. 35 00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:19,139 That is an incredible investment idea. 36 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:22,142 We should open a brothel where the men are cute 37 00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,645 and the sheets are 500-count Egyptian cotton. 38 00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:28,023 -Samantha, you can be the madam. -Well, at least, it's something new. 39 00:02:28,106 --> 00:02:30,442 We could put one in every neighborhood, like Starbucks. 40 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:31,485 Starfucks. 41 00:02:31,568 --> 00:02:33,487 A place like that doesn't exist in reality 42 00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,656 because women don't think about sex like that. 43 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:38,367 It's not an animal urge. We need to feel things. 44 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,452 We need a connection. Isn't that right, Carrie? 45 00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:41,787 No, Big is my male prostitute. 46 00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:44,956 I am mixing business with much-needed pleasure. 47 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,209 And my relief is just a train ride away. 48 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:51,296 -A train? Why don't you just fly? -Oh, no, no, flying makes me nervous. 49 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,800 I get uneasy seeing the National Guard go through my makeup case. 50 00:02:54,925 --> 00:02:56,176 Besides, it'll be fun. 51 00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:57,719 Especially... 52 00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,846 if Samantha goes with me. 53 00:03:00,764 --> 00:03:03,392 Oh, please! Come on, it'll be hilarious. 54 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:07,062 Two gals on a train, very Some Like It Hot. 55 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,398 And the whole trip ends 56 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,441 with a luxury suite 57 00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:16,613 in a fabulous four-star San Francisco hotel. 58 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,031 Why didn't you invite me? 59 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,575 Because Samantha is the only one who's bored enough to do it. 60 00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,204 So what time do we leave "Same York"? 61 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:28,625 I'm gonna get laid! I'm gonna get laid! 62 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,548 More and more single women of a certain age 63 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,466 are looking for a certain thing. 64 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:40,846 And that certain thing does not necessarily involve a certain ring. 65 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:45,600 We may have traded the little black book for a little black dress 66 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:47,769 and replaced the Ferrari with a Fendi, 67 00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:51,356 but in view of certain evidence, I had to wonder... 68 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,526 Are we the new bachelors? 69 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:02,826 Final call to 9:15... 70 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,619 What did Big say when you told him? 71 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,913 I haven't yet. I'm gonna wait till I get there. 72 00:04:07,205 --> 00:04:10,834 You know, "Hello, guess where I am." Very casual, very la, la, la. 73 00:04:10,917 --> 00:04:13,170 Well, that's one approach. I would have called and said, 74 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,464 "I'm coming, and I won't be the only one." 75 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,884 I think I'm getting a pimple. Can you see anything? 76 00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:20,719 Right here, above my freckle. 77 00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:22,763 Mmm. All clear. 78 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,348 Oh, good, the last thing I need is a big, honking zit 79 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,808 when I meet my prostitute. 80 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:30,979 This may be just what I needed, if I can stand the train for three days. 81 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,606 Oh, think of it as an adventure. 82 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,108 "It's not the destination, it's the journey." 83 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:40,447 A journey in adjoining first-class deluxe sleeper berths. 84 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:43,825 Truth be told, I've always wanted to take a train. It's so sexy. 85 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:46,995 You never know who's going to be getting on and getting me off. 86 00:04:47,829 --> 00:04:49,623 - All aboard. - 87 00:04:50,165 --> 00:04:51,208 Hello, sir. 88 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,295 89 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,759 90 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,345 Oh, we're here. 91 00:05:09,976 --> 00:05:10,852 Um... 92 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:17,234 Um, we were supposed to have the deluxe first-class sleeper. 93 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,944 This is the first-class sleeper. 94 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:21,988 And I suppose the regular class sleeps in what? A tuna can? 95 00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,742 And right here, you have your door to the restroom. 96 00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,040 Wait. 97 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,835 You shower over the toilet? 98 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,383 I'm starting to understand why there was a murder on the Orient Express. 99 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:42,300 100 00:05:42,384 --> 00:05:44,135 And in a far less crowded space... 101 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:46,888 -Oh! -Delivery from Bloom & Goldenblatt. 102 00:05:47,138 --> 00:05:48,682 I thought they'd send a messenger. 103 00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,810 Do you know what we'd charge you for a messenger to make a 12-block drop? 104 00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:55,105 So, a partner personally delivers my divorce papers? 105 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,356 Sure, why not? 106 00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,193 -I needed the walk. -Okay, uh... 107 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,946 I was just gonna go work out, but come in. 108 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,202 Whoo! It's hot. 109 00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:10,954 Excuse me? 110 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:14,082 Outside. I'm schvitzing like a pudding at a picnic. 111 00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,500 112 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:17,961 So... 113 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,422 this is the pagoda we've been fighting over, huh? 114 00:06:21,256 --> 00:06:22,257 It's impressive. 115 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:23,967 I can see why you'd never want to give it up. 116 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:26,678 Mmm. Actually, I'm thinking about selling. 117 00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,513 After everything we went through to get it? 118 00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,724 Well, you know, it's too big for one person. 119 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,018 I'm putting the word out. If anyone hears of a great apartment-- 120 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,270 Hey, I got a buddy who's putting his place on the market. 121 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:37,022 It may be a little too bachelor for your taste. 122 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,649 Oh, I can change that. You should've seen this place when I moved in. 123 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,860 It was where plaid furniture came to die. 124 00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,529 I could set it up so you can get a first look. 125 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,740 -Okay. -Done. So... 126 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,325 Uh, let's get you divorced. 127 00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,327 Sit and sign. 128 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,552 Do you have a handkerchief or something? 129 00:07:07,636 --> 00:07:09,554 You're still sweating. 130 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:12,515 Oh! Sorry. This never happens. 131 00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:15,560 Um... Oh, thanks. 132 00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,023 133 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,150 -That's it? -That's it. 134 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,361 You are no longer Mrs. Trey MacDougal. 135 00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,279 Hmm. 136 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:28,698 How do you like that? 137 00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,159 I like it. 138 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:39,042 -You have some tissue stuck to you. -I'm a fucking mess today. 139 00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:40,835 Mmm. 140 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,296 Somewhere outside of Pittsburgh, 141 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,966 Samantha and I decided to get out of our twin cans 142 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:49,177 and go for a classic train dinner in the club car. 143 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,680 144 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,435 This is it? 145 00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,604 I thought there'd be white linen tablecloths, 146 00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,606 and Bing Crosby singing at a piano. 147 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,233 148 00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:07,362 Oh, uh... 149 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:11,199 -Excuse me, table for two, please. -Just sit anywhere that's open. 150 00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:14,619 -Whoa! 151 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,413 152 00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:19,207 153 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:23,211 Oh! Sorry. The train zigged. 154 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:26,631 Okay. 155 00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:29,509 Excuse me. Sorry. 156 00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:31,011 Ooh. 157 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:39,519 Really? 158 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,065 Hello. 159 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,569 Thank you. 160 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:50,572 -I'm eating with the Amish? -Mmm-hmm. 161 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:55,410 Are you aware, every time we stop, good-looking people get off 162 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,078 and more ugly people get on? 163 00:08:57,203 --> 00:09:00,290 -Shh! -I'm serious, this is the train to ugly. 164 00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,376 There isn't one man on this train I'd fuck. What about you? 165 00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,086 Don't ask me. I'm horny. 166 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,756 And nine hours of train-rocking hasn't helped. 167 00:09:09,424 --> 00:09:10,300 Sorry. 168 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,055 If she has a problem, next time she can take a buggy. 169 00:09:18,349 --> 00:09:19,350 Thanks. 170 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,936 How do you think the Zagat Guide would rate a place 171 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,022 that lists potato chips as an appetizer? 172 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:28,026 Don't even say potato chip to me. This zit is getting bigger by the hour. 173 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,319 Here, can you see it now? 174 00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,407 Let's just say you're starting to look like you belong on a train. 175 00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:35,867 Really? 176 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,913 -What can I get you? -A martini and an airplane. 177 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:40,955 Um... 178 00:09:41,331 --> 00:09:43,958 -What's safe to order? -The club sandwich. 179 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,544 And a martini. 180 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:50,673 Oh, God! I need a big old drink. 181 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,261 Again, sorry. 182 00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,018 And speaking of martinis... 183 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,188 -A zebra-skin rug. -Hey, I told you he was a bachelor. 184 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:09,359 -But a bar in the bedroom? -Oh! You ain't seen nothing yet. 185 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,530 -Ta-da! 186 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,490 - Ew! - Mmm-hmm. 187 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,243 Ooh. 188 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,829 You seem to know your way around here. 189 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:23,373 Oh, yeah, I sublet while I was going through my divorce. 190 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:24,624 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 191 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,502 192 00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,003 Surround sound. 193 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,257 I can't believe that men think 194 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,009 it takes all this stuff to get a woman into bed. 195 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:37,971 What does it take? 196 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,599 -Charlotte. -What? 197 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,978 I think you are the sexiest woman I ever met. 198 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:48,523 Harry, don't be ridiculous, I'm wearing my glasses. 199 00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,109 It makes me crazy when you say my name. 200 00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:53,027 Well, then I'm definitely gonna stop saying it. 201 00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,988 What a putz your ex-husband must be. 202 00:10:55,071 --> 00:10:56,698 -Trey was not a putz. -He was a putz. 203 00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,366 If I was lucky enough to have you in my bed, 204 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,368 I would never be able to take my hands off you. 205 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,453 Stop, Harry. 206 00:11:02,537 --> 00:11:05,373 Ever since the first moment I saw you, I can't think about anything else. 207 00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:08,418 I'm like, I'm... I'm fucking Romeo over here. 208 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:11,379 God, it's hot, I'm sweating. Can you open a window? 209 00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:13,882 I fantasize about your lips. 210 00:11:14,215 --> 00:11:16,676 Your perfect pink lips. 211 00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,762 212 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,223 Somebody needs you 213 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,268 Together we can take it home 214 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:30,106 Your lips girl, they kill me... 215 00:11:30,481 --> 00:11:32,734 Two days, two toilet showers, 216 00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:35,236 and too many club sandwiches later... 217 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,159 218 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:42,327 219 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,288 220 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:48,333 -Hello? -It's me, and it's still bad. 221 00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:50,793 -The trip or the pimple? -Both. 222 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,838 I tried to squeeze it somewhere outside Oklahoma. 223 00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:58,051 Here's a helpful hint. Never give yourself a train facial. 224 00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,135 Got it. 225 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,346 If this thing hasn't started to deflate by Colorado, 226 00:12:01,429 --> 00:12:03,306 -I'm not even calling Big. 227 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,643 Hold on, someone who used to be Samantha just came in. 228 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:10,230 Rumor has it a group of guys not resembling the Elephant Man 229 00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:12,690 just got on and are having a bachelor party 230 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,609 in the bar car. Get dressed. 231 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,319 I can't go anywhere with this pimple. 232 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,071 I got on a train for you. 233 00:12:18,613 --> 00:12:21,199 You are going to the bar car with me. 234 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,453 I have to go to a bachelor party. 235 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,582 And back in New York, Charlotte found herself sandwiched 236 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,834 between some confirmed bachelors. 237 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:32,961 238 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:36,422 How can a person have really hot S-E-X 239 00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,132 with someone they don't even like? 240 00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:41,010 You're spelling "sex" in a place with a go-go boy on the bar? 241 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,263 -I'm serious. -Why? 242 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,141 Oh, my God, Char. You? 243 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,727 I don't know what happened. He's my divorce lawyer, 244 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:51,062 and I don't even like him. 245 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,773 So? Some of the best sex I've had is with people I can't stand. 246 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:55,733 Details. This is so exciting. 247 00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:57,568 Well, he was showing me this bachelor apartment, 248 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,696 and I think it was all the leather and music. 249 00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,155 Leather, I get it. Go. 250 00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,908 Suddenly, out of nowhere, we were kissing and then we-- 251 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:07,161 Fucking? Oh, my God, Char! This is so exciting. 252 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,914 -How was it? -Unbelievable. 253 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,375 Cosmos for everyone! 254 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:14,877 No! No, it's not good. I don't want to date him. 255 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:17,755 -He's not very attractive. -Ugly sex is hot. 256 00:13:18,006 --> 00:13:20,758 No, he's sweaty and pushy. 257 00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,885 No, no, I could never date him. 258 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,387 But, well... 259 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,597 maybe just for the sex. 260 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,809 -How does that work, exactly? -Okay, listen up. 261 00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:32,562 You have to be very clear about the rules. 262 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:35,189 It's just sex. You can't act romantic at all. 263 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,276 You have to talk just sex talk. "Fuck me, and get out." 264 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,487 -Isn't that rude? -No, it's hot. 265 00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:43,823 Hello! Where's my drink? 266 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:46,909 267 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:49,954 268 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:57,420 Things are looking up. They are pretty cute. 269 00:13:57,503 --> 00:13:59,047 This blush is worse than a pimple. 270 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,174 I look like I'm in a high-school play or something. 271 00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,675 Come on, follow my lead. 272 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,056 Hello. 273 00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:10,767 Hi. 274 00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:17,482 Well, well, well... 275 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:20,485 Aren't you boys a sight for sore eyes? 276 00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,737 277 00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:26,115 So, what are we drinking? 278 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,452 -Light beer. -Oh, we can do better than that. 279 00:14:29,660 --> 00:14:32,038 Sir, a bottle of champagne, please. 280 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:36,250 I'm sure one of you gentlemen will help me pop my cork. 281 00:14:38,461 --> 00:14:39,921 And just like that, 282 00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:43,758 we went from Some Like It Hot to Some Like Us Not. 283 00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,886 -I thought I was looking pretty hot. -You are pretty hot. 284 00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:48,513 -Not according to them. - Champagne. 285 00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,187 Hi. 286 00:14:57,980 --> 00:15:02,402 Excuse me, but what kind of bachelor party is this? 287 00:15:02,527 --> 00:15:04,946 We're not really bachelors. We're all married. 288 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:08,032 Except Bri, he's the last one in the gang to bite it. 289 00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:10,368 Yeah, we're taking him to the Giants game in San Francisco. 290 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:11,452 -Yeah! -Giants! 291 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,371 - Well, uh... 292 00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:18,376 My friend over there has come on this very long trip as a favor to me, 293 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,712 and I was hoping that one of you fellas 294 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:25,758 could oblige her in a little harmless male flirtation. 295 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:28,678 We're trying to be good. Promised our wives. 296 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:32,765 As far as a pimp, I was a total train wreck. 297 00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:36,686 They love their wives. 298 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:40,773 You were right, Carrie. 299 00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:44,193 It's not New York that's the problem, it's me. 300 00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:48,114 I am having an exist... 301 00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,826 The midlife thing, you know. 302 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,454 This thing has roots. 303 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,080 And I don't know what I'm gonna do. 304 00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,374 I mean, I already fuck younger guys, 305 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,084 and I don't want a sports car. 306 00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:02,962 Oh, God, parking in New York is a bitch. 307 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:06,591 I'm sorry about the train. This was a terrible idea. 308 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:09,302 -Oh! -It's all my fault. 309 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,096 All because I had to get laid. 310 00:16:13,264 --> 00:16:14,307 There. 311 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:15,892 Popped it. 312 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,227 - All right! -[giggling] 313 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,897 Let's get another bottle to celebrate. 314 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,859 One very long trip later, 315 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:29,113 Samantha and I dragged our cabooses into a bookstore near the Golden Gate. 316 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,032 Impressive turnout. 317 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,159 I guess you are big in San Francisco. 318 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,327 Oh, my publisher. 319 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:37,371 -Hi! -You made it in one piece. 320 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,790 Well, that's debatable. 321 00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:42,168 Wow! I can't believe it. 322 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,754 All these people came to hear me read? 323 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,214 -Carrie. -Yes. 324 00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,590 They're not all just for you. 325 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,383 -Oh. -Mr. Winkle's here. 326 00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:51,052 Who's Mr. Winkle? 327 00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,517 He's making an appearance right after you. 328 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:02,021 -You're opening for a dog? -I know. 329 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:04,273 They had a chance to get Mr. Winkle, and they jumped at it. 330 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,608 He's huge on the Internet. 331 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:10,488 Lily, I can't be the opening act for a dog. 332 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:11,572 What can I say, Carrie? 333 00:17:11,656 --> 00:17:14,075 The West Coast sales rep totally fucked me on this. 334 00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:16,827 - Lily, hi! -Hey. One sec, I'll be right back. 335 00:17:19,288 --> 00:17:20,706 You know, maybe-- 336 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:22,792 Oh, thanks, but don't even waste your energy. 337 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:26,712 You know, go back to the hotel, and get in that giant tub and relax. 338 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,339 I'll see you later, we'll have a meal. 339 00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,883 Later? Aren't you going to call Big? 340 00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:33,052 Between the pimple and the puppy, I'm not up for it. 341 00:17:33,135 --> 00:17:36,597 -Are you sure? -Yeah, go, go. Take a long bath. 342 00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:38,140 I may never get out. 343 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:40,434 Bye. 344 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,736 345 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:53,698 This book tour stuff is rough. 346 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,703 That's a cute top. 347 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,836 "As I walked home, I couldn't help but wonder. 348 00:18:07,545 --> 00:18:10,423 Was it Mr. Big, was it New York, 349 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:12,300 or was it me?♪" 350 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,551 351 00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:15,469 352 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,264 Does anyone have a question? 353 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,308 Yes? 354 00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:22,435 When is Mr. Winkle coming out? 355 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:23,686 Oh. 356 00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:26,022 Uh, in a mere moment. 357 00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:30,067 So, if there are no other questions about my book... 358 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,614 Uh, yes, I see a hand, but I can't see the man. 359 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:37,241 Could, um, could you shift? Sorry. 360 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,329 Yes, I have a question. 361 00:18:41,412 --> 00:18:42,413 Um... 362 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:45,458 This Mr. Big character, does he have a real name? 363 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:49,128 Uh... Yes, but I can't reveal it. 364 00:18:49,420 --> 00:18:51,380 I have to protect his privacy. 365 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,676 I no longer cared about Mr. Winkle. 366 00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,595 I had Mr. Big. 367 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:03,392 Samantha! Samantha! 368 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,436 I'm taking a bubble bath. 369 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,815 You have to get out. Big's here, I need to have sex. 370 00:19:10,232 --> 00:19:11,442 I'm taking a bath. 371 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:14,945 I got you a smaller room all to yourself downstairs. 372 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,114 I can't get in another small room. 373 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:20,242 Please. I have to get laid. 374 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,119 Well... 375 00:19:24,580 --> 00:19:25,831 You better fuck him good. 376 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:28,834 Because I'm not gonna go through this again in another six months. 377 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,252 Can you hurry? 378 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,129 I told him to come up in about half an hour. 379 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:35,883 So, snap it up. Faster. Okay, bye-bye. Thank you, sweets. 380 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,765 -Oh, God. [sniffs] 381 00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:45,559 382 00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:48,771 383 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,110 Hey, you. 384 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,570 -So, did you hide the body? -What body? 385 00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,322 Or whatever it was you needed to do 386 00:19:58,406 --> 00:20:01,367 that kept me wandering around the hotel gift shop for half an hour. 387 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,461 Hmm. 388 00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:14,463 I got you some gum. 389 00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:18,634 Big Red. The clerk recommended it. 390 00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,094 Well... 391 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:21,470 Aren't you something. 392 00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:26,100 -Want some? -Sure. 393 00:20:27,601 --> 00:20:29,311 394 00:20:39,405 --> 00:20:40,489 395 00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:44,869 Nice digs. 396 00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:49,081 -This will set your publisher back, huh? -Yeah. 397 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,418 You look good. 398 00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:54,545 So do you, kid. 399 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:56,672 400 00:20:58,340 --> 00:20:59,842 -What? What? 401 00:20:59,967 --> 00:21:02,428 My gum. Christ! You surprised me. 402 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,972 403 00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:06,265 Yeah. 404 00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:08,601 -I swallowed it. -Sorry. 405 00:21:09,310 --> 00:21:11,103 Here, let me kiss it and make it all better. 406 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,610 -How's that? -We better go. 407 00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:20,654 -Dinner reservations. -Oh, I'm not hungry. 408 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:21,739 We have to go. 409 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,158 I promised my partners I'd make a little vineyard connection 410 00:21:24,241 --> 00:21:26,494 with the restaurant owner. So, let's go. 411 00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:28,954 We'll have a nice meal and catch up. 412 00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:32,124 Okay. 413 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:36,879 So, I'm walking through the mall, and I see your book. 414 00:21:37,213 --> 00:21:39,173 Wait, you were in a mall? 415 00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:40,800 I live in America now. 416 00:21:41,383 --> 00:21:43,511 You've gotta go through them to get to the outside. 417 00:21:44,345 --> 00:21:48,599 Anyway, I pass a bookstore, and there you are, right in the window 418 00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:51,811 -next to the real books. -Oh, sir, you are too kind. 419 00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,104 -Good cover. Cute. -Oh. 420 00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:56,774 -Sexy. -Sexy, huh? 421 00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:58,234 -Hmm. 422 00:21:58,484 --> 00:22:01,987 So, I go in. I bought it, drove right home, 423 00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:07,743 sat on my porch, lit up a cigar, and I read it cover to cover. 424 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:09,578 -Porch? -Screen doors and everything. 425 00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:11,497 Well. 426 00:22:12,373 --> 00:22:13,415 What did you think? 427 00:22:16,627 --> 00:22:18,754 I had no idea that I hurt you so much. 428 00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:22,216 I gotta say, it was tough to see it in print. 429 00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:25,761 -You've read my columns. -Not all in one sitting, one reading, 430 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,179 one right after the other. 431 00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,849 Bam! Bam! Bam! 432 00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,351 I really got how much I hurt you. 433 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:36,105 Oh, come on, that's fiction. Fiction! 434 00:22:36,647 --> 00:22:37,648 I embellished. 435 00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:39,984 No, Carrie, some of that stuff really happened. 436 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:42,444 -Word for word. -It's just writing. 437 00:22:42,528 --> 00:22:44,572 It's all in the past. 438 00:22:44,947 --> 00:22:48,617 Now let's forget all that and talk about something else. 439 00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:53,414 How's the wine business? 440 00:22:54,164 --> 00:22:55,416 -Great. -Yeah? 441 00:22:57,793 --> 00:22:59,920 You know that chapter about my apartment key? 442 00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,672 Was I really that big of an asshole? 443 00:23:03,465 --> 00:23:04,592 Oh, my God. 444 00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:08,262 "He was like the city itself... 445 00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:11,682 cold, infuriating and exhausting. 446 00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:13,183 Suddenly, it became clear to me, 447 00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:15,352 this was not my best-laid plan. 448 00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:17,646 See, that's what I'm talking about. 449 00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:20,232 When have I ever been cold? Am I cold? 450 00:23:20,316 --> 00:23:21,358 No. 451 00:23:22,151 --> 00:23:25,696 You're hot. Very hot. 452 00:23:25,821 --> 00:23:29,617 -What about chapter three? -That-- That was all years ago. 453 00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,035 Can... 454 00:23:31,243 --> 00:23:32,828 Can we please stop talking? 455 00:23:35,831 --> 00:23:37,708 -Oh, wait, wait, wait. -What, what, what? 456 00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:40,502 Look, I just don't want you to get hurt again. 457 00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:41,712 I won't. 458 00:23:42,004 --> 00:23:43,255 It's just sex. 459 00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:46,091 Well according to this book, it is not just sex. 460 00:23:46,175 --> 00:23:48,218 Look, what happened in New York 461 00:23:48,302 --> 00:23:50,346 was all my fault. I didn't read the signs. 462 00:23:50,554 --> 00:23:53,933 You were unavailable and very clear about that. 463 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:55,517 It was all me. 464 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,729 Now, please, kiss me. 465 00:23:59,355 --> 00:24:01,690 Or at least lie on top of me. 466 00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:04,944 Carrie, I think it's very clear from this book, 467 00:24:05,069 --> 00:24:08,030 that when it comes to me, you do not have good judgment. 468 00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,573 Now, look at chapter three. 469 00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:12,785 That's fiction. And it's not even a bestseller. 470 00:24:12,868 --> 00:24:14,119 Here, page 39. 471 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:16,121 Oh, God. I can't believe this is happening. 472 00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:18,707 -Are you involved with someone else? -No. 473 00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,043 Oh, it's the pimple, isn't it? 474 00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:25,464 I just don't want to do something here that I'll be sorry for later. 475 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:27,675 I'm fine. 476 00:24:28,258 --> 00:24:29,426 Look at me. Put... 477 00:24:29,927 --> 00:24:31,178 Put the book down 478 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:32,763 and look at me. 479 00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:35,307 I'm fine. 480 00:24:36,058 --> 00:24:37,101 Just fine. 481 00:24:39,269 --> 00:24:40,270 Don't I look fine? 482 00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:42,606 Mmm-hmm. 483 00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:44,942 So... 484 00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:49,488 Let's talk just a little more. Now, look, page 39. 485 00:24:50,197 --> 00:24:51,198 This part. 486 00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:56,161 487 00:24:57,246 --> 00:24:59,415 I love making love to you. 488 00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:03,836 No. That was not love. That was just sex. 489 00:25:05,796 --> 00:25:09,008 Charlotte, you are so beautiful. 490 00:25:09,758 --> 00:25:13,220 Your skin is so soft, so smooth. 491 00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:16,015 And you... 492 00:25:17,683 --> 00:25:19,018 have a hard dick. 493 00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:20,728 Now... 494 00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:23,188 put your pants on and go. 495 00:25:25,983 --> 00:25:27,067 Is that okay? 496 00:25:27,901 --> 00:25:29,028 Whatever you say. 497 00:25:33,073 --> 00:25:37,036 There they were, the bachelorette and the beast. 498 00:25:37,369 --> 00:25:41,040 What about... dinner Saturday night? 499 00:25:42,958 --> 00:25:44,001 Hey. 500 00:25:44,251 --> 00:25:46,545 This is just sex. We're not a couple. 501 00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:47,588 You're just... 502 00:25:48,297 --> 00:25:49,465 a great fuck. 503 00:25:50,591 --> 00:25:51,675 Is that clear? 504 00:25:52,342 --> 00:25:53,343 Clear. 505 00:25:54,762 --> 00:25:55,846 506 00:25:56,013 --> 00:25:58,015 507 00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:01,351 Hello? 508 00:26:01,435 --> 00:26:03,103 Good morning, it's your wake-up call. 509 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,147 -Oh, what time is it? -7:30. 510 00:26:05,939 --> 00:26:07,983 -What time did I say? -7:30. 511 00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:11,779 Oh... Okay. Thank you. 512 00:26:16,116 --> 00:26:18,744 After my wake-up call, I got my real wake-up call. 513 00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:21,413 Thanks to my book, 514 00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,373 nothing was ever going to happen with Big. 515 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:30,964 Hey. 516 00:26:32,174 --> 00:26:33,217 Where are you going? 517 00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:36,720 I have two book readings this morning before I head back to New York. 518 00:26:37,221 --> 00:26:38,472 519 00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:40,182 Not so fast. 520 00:26:41,225 --> 00:26:43,102 -Come here. -Now? 521 00:26:44,061 --> 00:26:47,439 What about last night? All that talk? All those concerns? 522 00:26:47,981 --> 00:26:48,857 Fuck it. 523 00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:51,693 You'll need material for the sequel. 524 00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:53,153 Hmm? 525 00:26:57,741 --> 00:27:01,161 "Like that freckle on my face that he once told me he loved, 526 00:27:01,912 --> 00:27:04,039 I could do my best to cover it during the day, 527 00:27:04,832 --> 00:27:08,752 but at night, after I washed the city off my face, 528 00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:10,295 there it was, 529 00:27:10,712 --> 00:27:13,757 a tiny brown dot near the tip of my lip. 530 00:27:14,508 --> 00:27:17,553 And I wondered how something so small 531 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:20,639 could suddenly seem so big." 532 00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:34,611 -Here you go. - Thank you. 533 00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:40,951 -Luggage in the car. Car at the curb. -Oh! 534 00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:42,536 Thanks for doing all that. 535 00:27:42,870 --> 00:27:45,247 So, how did it go with Big? 536 00:27:45,539 --> 00:27:46,915 We had sex. 537 00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:48,542 Hallelujah. 538 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:51,295 Yeah, but it was not as simple as I had hoped. 539 00:27:51,795 --> 00:27:52,963 What does that mean? 540 00:27:53,755 --> 00:27:58,260 The question-and-answer section of this reading is now over. 541 00:27:58,343 --> 00:28:01,013 -I'll tell you on the train. -Train? Get real. 542 00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:04,141 American Airlines, first-class, 543 00:28:04,766 --> 00:28:05,767 and some Valium. 544 00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:08,353 545 00:28:10,355 --> 00:28:13,233 I cannot wait to get to New York. 546 00:28:13,317 --> 00:28:16,612 -What about the midlife crisis? -Honey, who's midlife? 547 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,406 548 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:22,034 And sometimes, it's not the journey. 549 00:28:22,576 --> 00:28:23,911 It's the destination. 550 00:28:24,286 --> 00:28:28,749 Birds flying high You know how I feel 551 00:28:30,292 --> 00:28:35,297 Sun in the sky You know how I feel 552 00:28:36,924 --> 00:28:38,926 37804

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