Original subtitles

Hello, darling.

Yes, it's me, that sexy little nibble that's working for kibble.

Elvira, mistress of the dark. And tonight... No, no, no, no, no, no, stop,

No, no.

That pillow cost $20.

Well, $10. Well, $2, but still.

I bet you're wondering what's with the kennel.

Well, tonight I'm doing it doggy style.

No, I haven't gone to the dogs.

Mama's short on bread again.

Must be a weekday. And I thought to myself, well...

You are an animal lover. Why not be a pet sitter?

Now, I thought all you had to do was, like, sit on a cat or two, but it turns

out there's a little more to it than that.

Well, you know, the first time for everything.

Everybody ought to do it once, but nobody ought to do it twice.

Ha! I've said that at least six times in my career.

So I put an ad and was dropped off two dogs, a cat, a bird, a fish, and a

lizard. And hooray!

Five out of six are still with us.

Oh, boy.

So, I thought since we're going to be with our four -legged friends, that

be a good excuse to screen the 1959 film du jour, The High End Gila Monster.

That's Spanish for Giant Gila Monster.

Bet you didn't know I was bilingual.

As we kick off this turkey, I'm going to go feed all these guys. I got this

special lizard food on sale. Six bags for a buck.

Let's see. Kill science fiction diet.

Hmm. For a skin so shiny, it glows.

A fine product of Chernobyl.

I will sit back, cuddle up with a furry friend in your life.

Or your pet.

We're all about being kind to animals here on the movie.

In the enormity of the West, there are still vast and virtually unexplored

regions, bleak and desolate, where no human ever goes and

no life is ever seen.

It is as though the land had been posted by God.

It is in these lonely areas of impenetrable forest and dark shadows

that the Gila monster still lives.

How large the dreaded Gila monster grows, no man can say.

Hey, if there's no room to dance, make room.

Hey, here come Boydie and Jenny.

Hey, gang.

Hey, what are you doing?

You better cool that foot chest.

What's all this?

Spook will be charging you with an entertainment tax.

Where's Pat and Liz? I thought we'd be the last ones here. Yeah, they're

probably out spooking around somewhere.

Maybe they broke down.

Not in his heap. I worked on it myself.

That wouldn't make any difference if he goofed a speed shift or something.

Yeah, and that squirrel is just the one that could do it.

Oh,

wonderful.

Can you understand her?

Oh, Mr. Wheeler smoked two cigars at the table after dinner.

And I could not get at the dishes until he was through.

What time did Pat leave?

Pat did not come home for dinner.

That's why his father was so upset.

Here's old Matt Harris.

Man, that fella has a jewel of a car.

Well, luck, man.

Yeah, well.

Hey. Oh, hi, Mr. Harris. Hi.

Hi, how are you doing?

Yeah, hello, fisherman.

You want to sell that deuce?

Why, you fellas are always after me to buy my car.

That 32 is the ideal stock to convert to a bomber.

Buying a car, son, is just like getting married or going to New York City.

Everybody ought to do it once, but nobody ought to do it twice.

Hey, I can get you a good price on that.

Paid $695 for that car 26 years ago.

Ten years ago.

Wasn't worth a dime.

Last month, I turned down a hundred for it.

When it gets back up to $6 .95 again, I'll sell it.

Hey,

Spook, give me a snort of that there Sody Pop.

Oh, yeah, I'll have a Sody Pop, too.

This will be Lisa's first trip to a drive -in.

Oh, we have drive -ins in France, too.

Yeah? Yeah, I went twice with my brother on his monoscooter.

Now that's my idea of absolutely nothing to do.

Don't be too late.

We're going to pull it on out.

Hey, Jake.

If the road's clear, I'll drag you to Bartonelle's Corner.

Oh, I can't. I'm driving barefoot.

You still riding on that old rubber?

Yeah.

Hey, Spook.

When Pat and Liz get here, will you tell them that we went to the drive -in and

formed a catch -up?

Thank you. We sure will.

And I'll give you 150 bucks.

You're talking like my foot's asleep.

What does he think he's playing with, kids?

Oh,

God. Reminds me of the movie we're watching. I mean, who knew pets were

animals?

You know, I swear, the last time I had to deal with so much shedding fur, my

antivirus was visiting.

So, anyway, all our little guys are stuffed.

I mean, fed.

Oh, hey there, little guy.

Or less than little guy.

Oh, gosh, it looks like my lizard Jorge is engorhed.

The giant Gila monster will return right after this.

Sit, sit, sit.

Hello, darling. It's me, that gal who loves playing doctor.

Too little.

Elvira, mistress of the... That's right. I'm earning a few extra bones this week

by being a pet sitter extraordinaire while we watch the Atomic Age

the giant Gila monster.

Now, I've been given the charge of a few four -legged friends.

This is Blanche and baby Jane.

And there's a cat around here somewhere named Bella.

And a bird named Amelia.

Oh, and there was a fish named Bait, but it seems like you have a little

accident involving the putty tat.

But I've already called for a replacement.

I mean, for the fish, not the cat.

Oh, and then there's a lizard called Jorge who seems to be going through a

little growth spurt.

So, while we wait for the pet store to deliver Bait, let's check back in with

those swinging kids in Crazy Town.

What's the trouble, Mr. Wheeler?

Pat didn't come home last night.

He didn't?

No, evidently it was out with Liz Humphries. She didn't come home either.

Oh?

I want you to find out why.

And don't leave a stone unturned in doing so. Do I make myself clear?

I understand, Mr. Wheeler.

There weren't any wrecks reported last night.

Your son, Pat, he's about 19, isn't he? That's right.

Just a year older than I was when I got married.

You think they eloped?

He wouldn't dare.

I didn't say that.

But if they were out together all night, you better hope they have.

This is a missing persons report, and I want to know what you're going to do

about it.

Well, I'll send in an APB on both of them and the car.

I don't think it'll do much good if they went off to get married. They'd already

be across the state line.

Why, if he got married, I'll wring his neck.

You ask me, it's that Chase Winston.

He's older than the others. Sets them all wrong.

Why, he's got more influence on Pat than I have.

Chase Winstead does more about keeping them in line than getting them in

trouble, and I know.

He's supported his mother and sister ever since his dad died on one of your

drill rings.

Your son could take a page out of his book, Mr. Wheeler.

When I get through with my son, he won't have a book left.

Now you locate him or I'll have your job.

If you want to be the only peace officer in 10 ,000 square miles and 1 ,000

miles of road, you're welcome to it.

I'll do everything I can to locate both of them, Mr. Wheeler.

Got a new set of wheels.

How do he know?

That plunker I had, I'd be chasing you down on a bicycle in a couple of days.

Oh, come on, Sheriff.

Outside of Pat Wheeler, we haven't had a ticket in our gang in eight months.

Oh, I was just kidding.

What's the mileage on it?

Oh, about 35 ,000.

County bought it from the state.

Those lucky stiffs on highway get a new car every year.

Let me have it for a couple of days and I'll tune it up for you.

Oh, you'd choke it off so I could never catch you. You couldn't catch that deuce

of mine right now.

Now, let me have that patrol car.

I'll turn it into a slingshot that'll catch anybody.

We'll make it to you.

Hey.

Just between us, Liz Humphries and Fat Wheeler didn't get home last night.

They were supposed to meet us at the drive -in, but they didn't show up.

We wondered what happened.

Were they in any kind of trouble?

What do you mean?

You know.

No,

I don't think so.

Chase, level with me.

I'm almost positive they weren't in any trouble.

I'd know.

Do you think they might have run off to get married?

Well, they've been going steady for over a year now.

And I know they talked about it, but... No, not like for right now.

Did Pat have any money stashed?

Yeah, some.

Like how much?

Well, he was talking about getting a new blower and a mill.

That's about 500 bucks.

500 bucks for a new blower?

Boy, the rates aren't what they used to be. He gives him a good allowance when

he's not mad at him.

What bank does he use?

None. He's afraid his dad would find out.

He could have been saving it to get married, couldn't he?

It's his money. I guess he could do whatever he wants with it.

But you know, if he eloped, his old man would put him down flat.

I know.

But Pat's smart enough to provide for himself till the old man cooled off.

Pat's the only one of the gang I couldn't slow down. Did you check the

hospitals?

Yeah.

Where could I find the rest of the gang?

Well, I don't know about Bob and Gordy, but Chuck and Rick went over to Easton.

They wanted to check with the Wheelcats about next Saturday night's platter

party. Next Saturday night?

Yeah.

You warn the gang I'll be cruising that pass that night.

No dragging.

Okay, I'll tell them.

If you get any postcards from those two, let me know.

word for you, Miss Humphries.

She's a good girl, Sheriff.

I ain't worried.

How come you drove around the truck all night then?

You don't think she might have a loaf, do you?

Could be. She's pretty close -mouthed about her affairs.

More the likes of Wheeler. Ain't marrying our kind of folks.

You don't have a phone, so I just dropped around to let you know I'm doing

everything I can.

We know that, Sheriff, and we sure do appreciate it.

Sorry Elizabeth put you to so much trouble.

It's never any trouble looking after kids.

Let me know if I can help, Sheriff.

Thanks, Eve. Thank you, sir. Goodbye.

We've got to quit worrying this way. We've got to trust in the Lord.

No, no, no. Okay, okay. Stay, stay, stay, stay.

Stay. Okay.

I finally got this place to calm down.

I mean, baby Jane is here.

Blanche is lying on the floor with Bella and Jorge.

Well, Jorge just went through a thick bag of lizard food.

But at least they've all calmed down.

Gee, I haven't heard that darn word in almost 15 minutes.

Come to think of it, I haven't even seen them either.

Okay, you stick around while I go check on the bird.

We'll be right back to the giant beetle monster on Move Macabre right after

this.

Hello? Yeah, is this Give Me the Bird?

Yeah, I have a pet emergency.

I need a replacement cockatoo.

Or was it a cockatiel? Or maybe a cockapoo?

Maybe I just need a cocktail or two.

Oh, nothing.

Anyway, whatever it was, it was big and pink and white with a black beacon.

And I think my lizard ate it.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, how irresponsible I must be

to let my lizard eat my bird.

Of course I did. As soon as I realized what happened, I tried to drain the

lizard to see if I could flip the bird out. But nothing.

That fowl was fouled.

So anyway, before the owners get back, which is like in an hour, I need a

replacement cock of whatever the do.

You do?

Oh, my gosh. You're fantastic. You are a lifesaver. A little feather -covered

lifesaver.

No,

no, no. All right.

Do you guys happen to carry cats, too?

smell your breath.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay.

Hi, Chase.

Hi. Did you get that diesel tractor fixed?

Yeah, she's all set. Good.

My boy, that's one trip I'm glad I don't have to make very often.

Step heavy, I'll help you unload.

No, not heavy.

Wheeler's sinking another oil well and he's afraid of fire when he comes in.

There's four quarts of nitroglycerin out there in that cab.

He wants us to keep it out back in the storehouse.

You know, last winter when number 21 came in, I made $100 with that stuff.

Dad showed me how to use it. It's not so bad, as long as it doesn't get nervous.

Well, I'm sorry I was so late getting back.

But with that cargo, I was afraid to do over five miles an hour.

It's not so dangerous as long as it's in a nitro case.

But I took these out of the case.

Holy smoke.

You're lucky to be standing here talking about it. I'll put it in the shed.

What's your action this afternoon?

Sheriff got a new patrol car. We'll get a tune -up job out of that.

Is that nitro safe out there?

Well, if it decides to blow, it's not safe anywhere.

I'll get it.

That's not our ring.

No, it's the sheriff's.

If there's been a wreck, I get a tow job out of it. I also have a deal with the

ambulance if someone's hurt.

You work all the angles, don't you, Chase?

Mr. Compton, I have to.

12 miles out of town. Where's the wrecker?

Home. I used the A -frame to build a doggone rock garden.

Look, you take your car and keep the city wrecker's off. I'll get our wrecker

and follow you.

I figured since it was on your call station anyway, you wouldn't care.

Yeah.

This is a pretty good one. Yeah.

This engine's still warm.

Say, did you see the skid marks out here?

Ew, skid marks.

Yeah.

No digs in the macadam either.

Somebody was hurt in here. There's blood all over.

Let's take a look around.

I've already looked around. There's nobody here.

Real good?

Yeah, real good.

Well, maybe somebody came by and picked him up. It could have been the people

that called in.

No. They just said something.

Then why didn't they wait?

People will go to the trouble to report an accident, but they won't stay around.

Don't want to fill out the reports.

So, what do you do now?

Well, I'll take the license number and engine number, call headquarters.

Maybe they've got a life on them.

Chase, how are your headlights?

Fine. They're just fine, pal. Stick to the back.

How many times have I warned you about getting that headlamp fixed?

Twice. But the first time it was just a suggestion.

Sealed beam only cost $4.

Well, I had some unexpected expenses.

Oh? Missy?

Yeah, the doctor said she'd be able to start walking again pretty soon.

Took all the money I had to make a part -down payment on her braces You

know, I think this is a complete washout you

probably got a screwdriver I Don't think the insurance company has missed one of

those headlamps

This guy is dressed for his own funeral.

Hey, pal, you know, smoking will kill you.

So will giant Gila monsters, apparently.

Smoke them if you got them.

The car was stolen out of state, and the plates were stolen in state.

So whoever stole it had beat it, hurt or not, as long as they could navigate.

Well, is there anything else I can do here, Sheriff? If not, I'll get this on

back to the garage.

No, go ahead.

Chase, will you give me a hand?

I want to take some pictures of those skid marks.

You stand by them for a scan.

Sure, glad to, Sheriff. Good.

Trouble, Chase?

I don't know, Sheriff. Take a look.

It was just sitting there.

Probably fell off of a car.

No scratches on it.

Well, maybe it landed in the bush.

Now, as thin as that imitation leather is, even a bush should take some of it

off. Was it just like that when you found it?

Yeah, straight up.

Probably belonged to some hitchhiker.

Or it might have belonged to the fellow that stole that car and wrecked it.

Look at this.

A half a pack of cigarettes, one unlit.

That suitcase don't belong to any car thief. He was around here too long.

I'll take it in.

I'll put it in the car for you.

Somebody will be around to claim it.

See you later, son.

Right, Sheriff.

with the code bill. I got your phone call.

When I was serving dinner to Mr. Wheeler, he became very angry.

He said if I saw you again, he would have me sent back to France.

He can't do that.

Oh, yes, he can. He's my sponsor.

He put up the bond.

That was to guarantee that you wouldn't become a ward of the state.

Now, we don't have to worry about that. You know how to speak English well

enough to get a job anywhere.

He said it's immoral for me to go out with you.

What's immoral about?

Nothing.

I don't want to go away, Chase.

You won't have to, honey.

We think it's your fault that Pat ran away.

Ling, think whatever he wants to think.

He shouldn't take it out on you.

But we hadn't better take any chances.

You go back inside and look. Don't worry.

Everything's going to be okay.

Ooh, French kiss.

No corners.

I'm around half.

Sorry I asked, Mr.

Smith.

Horatio Alger Smith.

Sorry I asked that, too.

How'd you get in the ditch? You fall asleep?

Oh, no, no, no. There was this big pink and black thing drove right in front of

me. It had stripes this wide. Sure, sure.

Look, you come up and sit in my truck, and I'll get your car out.

Okay, that sounds like a good deal. Who knows, maybe we can...

Hey,

man, you can't drive this car.

Fender's cutting the wheel.

Sure I can. The motor works, see? But thanks for everything, Dad.

You're a cotton -picking friend.

Now wait just a cotton -picking minute. This is Dad?

Okay, just a second.

I'll get out of the way.

And rocks whenever she walks, my baby, she rocks.

And rolls and rocks whenever she talks.

My baby's a rockin' rollin' tippy -toe. I never know what all is blowin', baby.

My baby, she swings and sings. And swings whenever I bring her things. She

swings and sings. And swings for a little diamond ring.

Swingin', singin', bells are ringin'. Happy playin', pleasure bringin', baby.

My baby, she walks and rolls and rocks whenever she wants. My baby, she swings

and sings and swings whenever I bring her things.

A rockin' rollin' tippy -toe, I never know, and always glowin'. Swingin',

singin', bells a -ringin', happy fling, pleasure bringin', baby.

Good afternoon, Mr. Smith.

Like man, guys have had their heads chopped off for less than that.

For what?

feeling so doggone good when I feel so bad. How'd I get here anyway?

I told you in this morning, remember?

As a matter of fact, I remember very, very little.

You said somebody ran you into the ditch, but I didn't see any other cars.

How'd you ever get me in that bed anyway?

I carried you in there and I sat on you till you fell asleep.

That must have been quite a chore.

You wouldn't have gotten very far in your condition.

Well, look, I really appreciate it.

Chase Winstead.

Chase.

And I, uh... By golly, how much I owe you.

Well, I bent the fender out from the wheel.

Want me to fill it in and touch it up for you?

No, I don't think so. I'll, uh, get that done when I get back to the city.

Here, have some coffee.

Oh, great.

How about two bucks?

Man, this coffee's worth two bucks all by itself.

How about the tow?

No, I was coming this way anyway. I missed out on a little studying time.

Make it three bucks.

Dad, you go to school?

Sort of. I take a correspondence course in engineering.

Well, look, I really feel indebted to you, and I'd like to do something to pay

you back. Now, next time you're in the town, there's my card.

Look me up, will you? Will do.

Okay. Oh, and by the way, buy yourself a sponge,

rubber, hammer, man.

All right, I will. I'll see you, Chase.

Thank you.

Steamroller Smith.

The disc jockey.

Mr. Smith!

220s! How about that?

Whoa, 220s? That's like 40 clams there, Kat.

All right, you crank -inkle biters. This hotel's smoking box trap has been in

steam -powered meltdown.

Now, if I wasn't so flipped, I'd bag this flick with a nut sandwich.

I'm one of them earthbound dollies, so I'm not frosted every Tuesday in July.

keep your dogs collared, and we'll be shooting the woogies flat out.

Mama's going to make some Washington and Nuggets, so I'm razzing your berries to

get you all radioactive, even though this movie is like the submarine races.

I mean, you think I'm not hip with the kids, huh? Well, listen here, you fake

-outs. Cut the grass.

You're going to dig my melons or get bent.

We'll try to goose these madmen and get back to the ginchiest drive -in this

side of Kalamazoo. The giant Gila monster returns on Movie Macabre right

this.

Daddy -o.

Why, hello, darling, and welcome back to Movie Macabre.

Tonight we've unleashed the radioactive masterpiece known as the giant Gila

monster. And, well, as fate would have it, I've got my own giant monster of a

dilemma right here.

You see, in order to pull in a few extra bucks...

Who am I kidding? In order to keep the lights on, I took up pet sitting for a

few friends.

Well, anyway, they used to be friends.

I have a couple of dogs and a lizard that I'm keeping occupied right now.

The cat, the bird, and the fish, well...

The lizard got a little hungry. But don't worry, don't worry, replacements

on their way.

I mean, it's weird. The lizard just started getting bigger and bigger after

ate, and then he was like... Oh!

Oh, see what I mean? Like, I mean, could I have picked a more apropos movie for

tonight or what?

So here's where we are in this loony story.

A couple of kooky teens have gone missing, and the town sheriff's looking

them. Our hero Chase and his mail -order bride are somehow going to play into

the story, but right now they're just kind of living the lives of 50

And Chase rescued a local DJ from what would have been a Lindsay Lohan moment

when he drove into a ditch drunk off his ass. I mean, some guy on the side of

the road was eaten by a monster, and, well, I mean, like, that's about it.

Oh, yeah, and Chase has a couple of cans of nitroglycerin in his tool shed. You

know, just in case.

All these riveting stories just somehow intertwine, and I'll try to get Jorge to

try a master cleanse.

Come on, Jorge. A little cayenne pepper and maple syrup, maybe? Some lemon?

Lemon juice?

Jorge? Hello?

Yeah? Howdy, son.

Have you heard anything from Pat and Liz?

No, nothing.

Chase, I'm in a jam.

And I need your help.

Wheeler swings a big enough stick in this country to make it rough.

And he's doing it.

All I can understand is concern about Pat.

But I just don't have a big enough force to comb this area inch by inch.

Is he demanding that?

There was a man killed in a wreck in a small canyon in a big city last year.

And it took him 19 days to find him. I don't know what they expect of me.

Yeah, I remember that.

Well, look, Sheriff, maybe I can get tomorrow off and... I'll get the gang

we can go out and search that pass. At least you can put that in your report.

I was hoping you'd say that.

I can start at the upper end and work towards you.

Can I have your help in another matter?

Sure, what?

You remember how those skid marks just went at right angles to the direction

car was traveling?

That's right, they did.

Headquarters think I'm nuts.

Well, then they're nuts.

Didn't you send them that picture?

Well...

I'm not the world's greatest photographer.

Pictures didn't come out.

Can't see the skid marks on the blacktop.

Well, that's what happened.

I even wiped up the rubber dust with my fingers.

You might have to sign a statement to that effect for me. You got it.

Look, you can even see the bald spots on the tires where they went sideways.

Yeah, that's the spot all right.

But there's another thing that puzzles me.

Yeah, what?

How those tires got off of that car and almost on yours.

Well, look, on this wreck, they'd rot.

And on my rod, they could prevent a blowout. Maybe even an accident.

Well, take good care of them in case the owner shows up.

Right. See you tomorrow.

Right.

We've covered half the roads in this county.

Yeah.

How about that ravine? That runs along here for about eight miles.

We'll start from here and you come from the other end.

All right.

beached out around here.

Look at that.

What is it, sir?

Looks like an animal of some sort drug something along here.

You mean a wild animal here?

Sure, could be anything, even a mountain lion.

Oh, come on.

Come on, let's go.

Oh, wait a minute.

Let's take a breather first.

Chet, I don't like this place.

Let's go back.

Are you afraid?

Now, you come on over here with me.

car at the bottom of the wash, two or three miles back by the old reservoir.

Were they in it?

No, nothing.

Uh, drive me back to my car and I'll bring up the record.

I wonder what that was.

Oh, probably just a little rock slide.

For some reason, this place gives me the creeps. It always has.

Lisa, turn the motor on. The winch is already engaged.

Now, if I yell, turn the key off.

Okay.

You know, I think they were thrown clear.

Did you search the area?

Yeah, Gordy went down the ravine for about a mile and... Oh, he looked beyond

the wreck for a couple hundred yards.

Wouldn't you say, Gordy?

At least that far.

Did you see any footprints?

No, none.

This thing's been around just about the same as that sedan.

Like it had been hit with a 10 -ton rubber mallet.

Pretty rough trip down that cliff, but could have done it.

Yeah.

I'll have to go over that area.

I've been thinking, if Liz and Pat had eloped, they wouldn't have taken his

Because old man Wheeler would have it traced right off.

Well, maybe he stored it, Chase, and then it was stolen.

Yeah, if it was stolen and somebody parked it there, well, the brakes could

faded and it rolled off the edge.

It would be a strange coincidence if they came back to this part of the

Possibility makes some sense, though.

I'll get my gear and dust for fingerprints.

Cash, I wish you boys would have called me before you drug it out.

I might have found some clues to help us out.

I'm sorry, Sheriff.

The hard part's telling Mr. Wheeler.

I sure dread that.

Not like we found them there.

He's sure gonna raise Ned, because I didn't find this wreck sooner.

Raise Ned?

Oh, now it's a zombie movie.

Oh, he went down to the field with a load of fuel oil.

Back in two or three hours. I'm gonna close up.

I'll see you later.

Just a minute, not so fast there.

What for?

Did you ever play football?

With the Green Bay Packers.

Put me down.

No, not until you tell me what's going on.

All right, if you'll close your eyes.

I don't know what's happening, but they're closed.

Keep them closed.

was wonderful, baby. Just wonderful.

I've been practicing all afternoon ever since Lisa brought the braces over and I

walked all the way twice.

I want to do it right for you.

Would

you

like to hear a song?

There was a mushroom, sad little mushroom.

There was a meadow, ready to cry.

There was a sparrow, gray little sparrow.

Jeez, this movie is so cheap they had to hire a little boy to play a little

girl.

And the Lord said laugh, children laugh. The Lord said laugh,

children laugh. The Lord said laugh.

Children laughed, the Lord said laugh, laugh, laugh.

Then the Lord, he said, I created for you a world of joy from out of the blue.

And all that is left to complete the joy, just the laugh of a girl and boy.

And

there was a

garden.

Beautiful garden, held in the arms of a world without joy.

Then there was laughter, wonderful laughter, for he created

a girl and a boy.

And the Lord said, oh laugh, children laugh, the Lord said laugh, children

laugh, the Lord said laugh, children laugh, the Lord said laugh.

is important, isn't it, Chase?

Oh, it sure is.

And you know, I never felt any more like laughing than I do right now.

I didn't think you'd be able to do that good in a week.

Didn't you really?

Honest. But you know, you're going to have to work real hard.

And you mustn't be disappointed if it takes a long time.

Okay?

That's enough for one day, Missy.

It's your bedtime.

Do I have to, Chase?

You sure do.

Show me how you can walk.

Good night, Lisa.

That was a wonderful thing for you to do, Lisa.

I wanted to.

Now you're broke, aren't you?

I was going to pick him up in the morning.

I know.

When you showed me that money, I was afraid you'd get there first.

Oh, I'm still going to pay you for it. No.

Yes. No.

Yes.

Hello.

Yeah, Sheriff.

Well, you should have been back an hour ago.

No. Where?

That's awful.

No, it couldn't be Mr. Compton.

All right. At the garage?

All right, I'm leaving now.

What is it, Chief?

It's a wreck, an oil track. It could be Mr. Compton.

Honey, I'm awfully sorry, but I've got to leave.

Okay, Jorge, if you're... Not to China!

Oh, who am I kidding? It's not China.

I mean, it was made in China, but it's not China.

You know, I figure if Jorge keeps growing, I have got to keep him busy.

Last thing I want around here is a limp lizard.

I still have no idea what triggered that growth spurt, though. I mean, you don't

just grow larger overnight.

Well, I mean, okay, I developed faster than a Polaroid, but that turned out to

be all for the breast at the best.

You know, I treat Blanche, Baby Jane, Bella, Bate, and Amelia all exactly the

same as Jorge, and they're all fine.

Well, I mean, the dogs are fine, and the other three were dessert.

Maybe I shouldn't have kept the lizard food right next to this jar of

radioactive waste.

I mean, it didn't seem to affect the Twinkies.

Oh, well, stick around. There's more radioactive waste, a .k .a. the giant

monster, right after these messages.

Hello, darlings, and welcome back to Movie Macabre, where we're housebreaking

that atomic era purebred, the giant Gila monster.

Now, in between all the cheap thrills, and I do mean cheap, and I sure don't

mean thrills, I got into a little trouble.

You see, in order to earn some extra dough, I offered to be a pet sitter, and

started the night with six animals, but then when I fed the lizard Jorge some

radioactive kibble, he started growing, and then three of the other pets became

snacks. I thought the replacement pets would be here by now, and we've only got

another half hour left of this classic.

Maybe I should call the pet replacement store again.

Hello.

Oh, hi. Is this Gimme the Bird?

Yeah, Sheriff.

Did you say sure is or sheriff?

Anyway, I called earlier about a cockatoo and a goldfish, and you were

see about a white Persian cat, too, and I have been waiting forever, and the

owners will be here soon.

Well, you should have been back an hour ago.

Uh, well, yeah, I only called about a half hour ago, but I do admire your work

ethic. You see, um, I have this giant lizard running around my living room.

No. Where?

I just told you, my living room, and it's eating pets left and right.

That's awful.

But tell me about it. Not only am I out the dough it takes to replace these

pets, but it's going to cost me more than I'm even making tonight.

And you know what? I know if any of the owners ever found out, then they are

going to feed me to a lizard.

No, it couldn't be Mr. Compton.

No, Mr.

Compton would just beat the crap out of me and then leave me in the garage.

All right, but... Did you say all right?

At the garage?

Yeah, the garage.

So are we going to haul that bird, fish, and pussy over here now or what?

All right, I'm leaving now.

Okay, let's just get back to the riveting plot of this movie and see if

replacement pets don't show up soon.

Come

on.

Wait a minute, Sheriff. You've got a sore foot.

Oh, no.

We can take my model A. She's all shiny and bright. No, we'll break my car.

Come on, Harris. Did you see it?

No, I didn't see it, but I sure heard about it.

Can I open this thing up? Yeah, go ahead.

anything, Sheriff? Let's go over this again. How did you get into the

I told you once.

Well, tell me again.

Well, I was a barrel and low in the Model A. She don't look like much now,

she was a beauty when I first saw her. The accident.

She'll go, though. Get up to 60. The accident.

Just the accident.

Well, I'll tell you. I wish you would.

This fella seen the headlights coming up the grade toward you, and all of a

sudden they come as to going over and over in blue.

Blimey, she blew up.

Well, he seen somebody is in a mite of trouble, so he come in the store talking

about it. That's when I offered to call you.

Did you get the name of the witness?

No. Did he see anything else?

No. Do you want to wait in the car for us?

No.

Well, you're going to anyway.

Okay, Sheriff, okay.

Like you say, always obey the law. Do this, do that.

Somebody tells you no.

Any luck, Chase?

No, nothing.

Pat and Liz might have eloped, but Compton ought to be around here.

Maybe he's in the hospital.

No, I checked there before I left my place.

Would Compton have any reason to want to get lost?

No, none that I can think of.

You would have no reason to know about this, but there's been a lot of

missing lately.

One here, one there.

That doesn't make headlines.

But now it's people.

And you think there's a tie -up?

I don't know.

What we need is a criminal investigator and headquarters won't send one down

here.

Well, maybe they will now.

Yeah, maybe. Did you notice those skid marks? Just like the others, straight

across the road.

If it had been hit by another vehicle, the paint would be knocked off.

What batters a car around like it was a toy?

How's the barn coming along for the party? All right.

I'll be done in about an hour or so.

Say, you and Chase sure got out of life.

You took off this morning.

You've just been sitting around here on your can all day long. That barn was a

place to clean.

Did you get the high -five set up?

Yeah. Well, you steamboats and dreamboats, that was 30 on another

old steamroller here at KILT.

If any of you round rocks get lonesome for my voice, I'll be emceeing a flatter

party tonight out at Hargitay's barn on Route 43.

Drop in.

I'll flatten you.

Hey, man, that's us. We got the steamroller coming out.

That's where Chase has been all day.

Getting steamrolled.

This'll be a blast.

How about that gun?

Hey, little man, you sure had a busy day.

Getting that paint job.

And Steamroller Smith.

Now, how'd you guys find out about Steamroller Smith?

Well, he just said so on his program.

Said it right out on the network.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Well, come on, don't spread it around, huh?

How are the preparations coming?

Oh, that'll be finished in about 45 minutes. The gang won't start arriving

Easton until 9 .30.

We're under the wire with time to spare.

No sweat.

Oh, I hate the ground you walk on, little darling, for all them things that

have did to me.

Oh, you nag me till you're hoarse, so I'm a suing for divorce.

Little darling, I'll forget your memory.

I agree. It's good.

Yep, that's about as low as this movie's moving.

That's the same story a man down here told me.

Something real strange must have happened down there.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He'll be handy if you want him.

Right.

Sit down, Harris.

You be going down to the wreck, Sheriff?

No, that's not in my territory.

Headquarters already have a report.

The troopers will take care of that.

Harris, tell me again about the train wreck.

Well, I was driving along quite like it, my Model A. Bought it in 32 for six...

Just a minute, just a minute.

I ask you what time it is, and you tell me how to build a clock.

Just the facts about the wreck.

Well... I was driving along quite like it. The

wreck.

The other night... Turn around and come back down here and told you about it.

Give me your keys, Harris.

Keys? My keys?

What for?

For spinning a yarn like that and driving while drunk.

I demand a soberty test.

That does it. Go lock yourself up.

I demand a soberty test because I ain't been drinking.

Well, at least I have not hit it.

Whatever you think's right.

Put your hands to self. Well,

you can't win them all, can you, Sheriff?

You can call your wife if you want to, Harris.

Why?

Are you crazy, Sheriff?

Ah, the local homicidal drunk is always the comedy relief.

Why, ladies and gentlemen, I am completely against driving while

just this reason.

I don't like competition for the comedy relief.

So, I'm still waiting on the delivery of these replacement tests, and I am

getting really antsy. I mean, that's the problem with these big box retailers.

Lousy customer service.

Why, if I were a big box destination, I'd be servicing customers until they

completely satisfied.

I think I owe them another call.

Hello? Give me the bird?

Yeah, I've been calling to get some replacement pets delivered to my garage.

Something real strange must have happened down there.

Yeah, no kidding.

I told you my lizard ate these pets, and your guy was supposed to come and help

me with, you know, a new bird and a fish and maybe a cat.

Is he on his way?

Oh, yeah, yeah. He'll be handy if you want him.

I don't want him handy. I want him here before the movie ends. Now, you get that

guy here now before I come back from this commercial break. You got it?

Lousy customer service.

Stick around. There's more piant Gila monster after this.

Oh, I'm so glad you were dumb enough to,

I mean, determined enough to stick with us through the end.

So, the delivery man just showed up with a new bird and a new fish, and, well,

Jorge answered the door before I could, and, well, does anybody know the number

of a good delivery guy replacement service?

I guess Jorge wanted takeout.

I tell you, I'm just at my wits' end.

Well, I'm just kidding. I'm still witty.

Well, darling, we're into the homestretch here.

Maybe the climax of the movie will give me an idea of what I can do with Jorge.

My baby, she rocks and rolls and rocks whenever she talks.

My baby's a rock and roll.

Hey, you gonna leave home?

I'm going to spend the night with the Blackwells. Mommy said it was all right.

Will you take me over?

Well, I don't know, Missy. Gosh, that's two or three miles out of my way.

Oh, sure, we will.

Chase, what in the world have you done to that car of yours?

It's a new fuel mixture. You like it?

I just barely touched the gas pedal and the back wheel started to spin while I

was two blocks down the road before I even knew I'd left home. Come on, Mom.

just trying to make a hot rodder out of you.

I'll get it.

Hello. Yeah, hello, Sheriff.

The what?

Book on reptiles.

Yeah, I guess I still have it around here somewhere.

Yeah, sure.

I have to take Missy over by the Blackwells.

I'll stop by on my way to pick up Lisa.

Okay?

Well, now I'm going to tell you something you don't know.

I've been talking to a zoologist.

And the heliomastous size is controlled, like everything else, by a sort of a

thyroid or pituitary gland.

Sometimes a change in diet can throw the balance all out of whack.

Oh, yeah, don't I know it.

Build up too slow.

And this upset makes either runts or giants out of them.

Well, if it was a runt, we wouldn't have a movie.

The zoologist also told me about a doctor who just found the bones of some

animals down in Tanganyika.

And the theory was that they lived in kind of river delta country, and certain

salts had washed into the valley, been absorbed by the plants, and then

transferred to the animals, causing them to be giants.

Yeah, I know.

I probably sound a little bit like Harris, but let me tell the whole thing

own words.

There was another report out of Russia or the Ukraine.

It was in the paper a couple of months ago. Maybe you saw it.

About a baby that weighed 130 pounds when it was 10 months old and was taller

than its mother.

Grew up to be a giant.

Yeah, and that same thing could happen right here.

Did you see any footprints around any of those wrecks?

No.

Gila monster footprints?

Yeah, a big one, about the size of a bus.

Oh, come on. Are you serious?

Well, I don't know.

But Harris saw it, and some of the survivors of the train wreck saw it. A

lizard. Train wreck? Where?

At the bridge over Wilson's Wash.

When? Tonight, about an hour ago.

The troopers were inclined to pass it off as shock or optical illusion.

You can't always believe what Harris said.

A Gila monster.

Pink and black stripes.

You know, I told a guy in the other day, and he said he'd been forced off the

road by something like that.

I didn't believe him because he'd been drinking.

And another thing.

When we were looking for Pat's car, we saw where something had been drugged

the wash.

You know, if they could have gotten that big, if they could have knocked Mr.

Compton's truck off that road,

they could have gotten him.

I shouldn't have told you about this until after the party, but I just

you'd want to know.

Hadn't we better warn everybody? No.

It operates in and around the wash.

Troopers have got that staked off for a couple of miles.

Just keep it to yourself.

It might cause panic.

Okay, Sheriff, whatever you say.

Forget it for now and have some fun, will you, boy?

Yeah.

Well, at least they got a bigger room to dance in.

Now, I've got a surprise for you.

We've got the king of the DJs.

Now, you've all heard him on his fighter show on KILT.

That's right.

Okay,

your old dad here has some small words and some great records.

I want you to have a ball tonight. Let's begin with one of the top kilt survey

songs. What do you say now? Let's everybody dance. Here we go.

Let's go, everybody.

Now,

do

you mind telling me what this is all about?

Have you been down to the train wreck? No.

Well, I have.

I talked to a trooper about my son's car.

He said it shouldn't have been moved until a thorough investigation had been

made and it had been photographed.

This wasn't done, was it, Sheriff?

I thought not.

It was removed and clues lost without authority.

You didn't put that in your report, did you, Sheriff?

Of course you didn't. And I'll tell you why.

You were protecting that Chase Winston.

Covering him regardless of the effect it might have on others.

Chase was only trying to help.

He's your son's friend.

Probably the best one he ever had.

Of course it wasn't in the report. What good would it do?

Any kid can make a mistake, Mr. Wheeler. Even yours.

But Sheriff, it's my son that's missing.

Let me ask you something else.

Have you heard the reports about a giant lizard?

Do you believe them?

I don't know, Mr. Wheeler. It doesn't seem possible.

Well, why not? There have been giants before.

That's true.

But how could anything that big go unnoticed in this area?

Have you ever walked the length of Williams Wash?

No. Do you know anybody that has?

No. That area is so choked with underbrush, it isn't even good hunting

And I say it is possible for a giant lizard to have lived there for years

without being seen.

Now, if that is the case, my son's dead.

So is Compton.

I can't blame you for what's happened to Pat, but Compton's death is on your

hands.

How did you come to that conclusion?

I'll tell you how.

His truck was found only two miles beyond Pat's car.

And if you'd investigated that area thoroughly, as you're paid to do,

might not have died.

Well, now come out here. I want to show you something else.

Now, something may have hit this car, but it didn't take the tires off.

And where did those new white sidewalls on Chase Winston's hot rod come from?

Here, I guess.

There was a toll in charge against us. He presumed the bill wouldn't be paid,

he borrowed the tires in the meantime?

Perhaps. That's thievery.

Destroying evidence and obstructing justice.

Now, your last official act of office will be to arrest that boy and bring him

in. And I'll go along to make sure that it's done.

Hey, kids, a fellow dropped in over at KILT the other day and played me a great

new song. I thought it was just fine. I want to play it for you. We got a little

pickup group together and cut a demo disc on it. I want to play it for you

and see what you think about it.

By the way, the first person who identifies the singer on the record gets

free rides on my elephant in Bangkok, Siam.

I got a nickel for every time I heard that.

Okay, here it is. Now see what you think of it.

Hey,

great.

Tar and feathers yet. I'm going to play the rest of it. How do you like it?

Okay, who's the singer?

Elvis. One of the Evely.

Bill Darnell.

Kate Smith.

Well, guess there's a gay in every crowd. If you're singing on the record,

wrote the song. Now, who is it? Does anybody know?

Okay,

okay, okay.

It's going to come out on records in a couple of months, and you can find his

name on the label.

I know it is.

Who is it,

Lisa? Come on, tell us.

Chaz did it.

You did it, Chase.

Why didn't you say something?

You didn't tell us. Well, I didn't know there was anything I'd want to admit to.

Come on up here, boy.

All right, everybody.

Also, over at the station the other day, Chase played me another little song.

It's kind of different from this one.

But I imagine with a little coaxing, you know, by hitting your hands together

like this, he might give you a little preview of it. What do you say?

He needs a guitar his own size.

And the Lord said laugh, children laugh, the Lord

said laugh, children laugh, the Lord said laugh, children laugh, the Lord

laugh, children laugh.

Children laugh, the Lord said laugh. Children laugh, the Lord said laugh.

Children laugh, the Lord said laugh.

And the Lord said laugh.

Children laugh, the Lord said laugh. Just a minute. Children laugh, the Lord

said laugh. Children laugh, the Lord said laugh. And then the

Lord... he said i created for you a world of joy from out of the blue

to stop that thing?

I don't know, but I'm going down to the train wreck and get some troopers. If we

pump enough lead into that thing, we may hit a vulnerable spot.

We know you're going to have to give me a hand.

But how? Keep these kids here. I don't want anybody roaming around.

Where are we going?

Storage shed. I've got an idea that might work.

You've been after this. Now you've got it. You're deputized.

Listen, kids, where there's my deputy, you'll take your orders from him.

Arrest anybody that tries to get away.

I told you to wait inside. Why don't you do what I tell you? I haven't got much

time. You're not going to leave me, Chess. I'm going to help.

Do you know what's in here?

Nitroglycerin, enough to blow up half this town.

It doesn't matter.

I'm still going to help.

All right. Now take these, hold them, and don't let them bump.

And for heaven's sakes, don't drop them.

All those.

he went through here all right.

Now, they generally travel in a straight line.

Good Lord, he's hit the Blackwell home.

That's where Missy is.

Mrs. Blackwell.

Nitro, we're cutting across.

Stop still. Do you want to blow us up?

There they are.

Where's Missy?

Missy!

It's all right, Missy. It's all right.

Lisa, get Missy and hold her down. Both of you, lie flat.

That's okay, honey.

I tore my new dress.

Oh, we can get you a new dress.

A hundred dresses.

Everybody all right?

Yeah.

On the way back, we picked up his trail.

Followed him across country.

What did you hit him with?

My brand new 100 % completed hot rod.

You'd have had to start in the next county to get up enough momentum to do

to him.

Not with four quarts of nitroglycerin riding with you.

You rode across that rough field carrying nitro?

Yes, sir.

Do you know what could have happened to you?

It did.

I lost my car.

Oh, don't worry about that.

Railroad will be glad to buy you a new one.

Did you see it? I sure did, missy. You were really traveling.

I thought I told you to keep those kids up at the barn.

Well, uh, how do you arrest a bunch of kids going in all different directions?

Do you realize what would have happened if that thing had turned back?

Same thing that happened to Pat.

Sheriff, your job is a much bigger one than I thought.

Since Compton's gone, I guess Chase is out of a job.

That's right.

Would you make it a point to have the boy come around and see him in the

morning? I'll bring him around in the morning.

Well, darling, we're... No, no, no, no, no, no! Put the doggie down!

Oh, we're crying out loud. Now I have to explain to four pet owners that their

furry family friends have become fine dining.

No, no, no, Jorge.

No, I know that look. No, that is the look my accountant gives me, Jorge.

No, no, no, no, no, bad lizard. No, you will not eat me. I am the one that fed

you. Haven't you ever heard that old saying, don't buy the hand that feeds

or the hand that pets you or the foot that you sleep on?

No, no, no, no, no, Jorge. No, no.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, this is sad.

Okay, darlings, well, I'm going to just spend a little time with my giant

lizard. And you'll just see your toes out, right?

So next time, oh, God, perfect.

Unleavened dreams.

And the Lord said, oh, laugh.

Children laugh.

The Lord said, laugh. Children laugh. The Lord said, laugh. Children laugh.

The Lord said, laugh.

And the Lord said, oh, laugh, children, laugh.

The Lord said, laugh, children, laugh.