Original subtitles

Damn. Well, guess I shouldn't have worn heels in the snow.

I just know I'll find the perfect Christmas tree out here.

Okay, Tenenbaum, you're going down.

Larry!

Merry Christmas, Elvira!

I got you a little something.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

No, really, you shouldn't have.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll keep it for myself.

Show off.

Oh, my allergies this time of the year.

Elvira, Merry Xmas, darling. You look fantastic. Are you getting everything

done? Oh, I'll tell you. I am not going to these stores anymore. Next year, I'm

doing all my shopping online.

Oh, it's crazy in there.

People pushing. Yellow treatment. Oh, it's like the Fourth of July.

Anyway, darling, I got to go home. I got cookies to bake. I got presents to

wrap. But you look fantastic. Did I tell you that already?

Anyway, if I don't see you, have a Merry, Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas, Elvira.

Oopsie.

Oh, hello, darling.

It's me, everyone's favorite X -mas present, who really knows how to wrap a

package. Elvira, Mr. Said the Hark, as in, Hark the Hell's Angel Sing.

You see my little sugar plum?

And those of you fairies watching tonight, it's my second favorite time of

year. White flakes in the air, bright lights in the sky, the sound of people

running through the streets.

Nuclear holocaust.

I'm just kidding. I am talking Christmas, kiddies.

What is a Christmas?

Why, it's the time of year when people are filled with the spirit. You know,

it's kind of like being possessed, except instead of puking and spinning

head around, you buy things for people and bake.

And baking is just one of the things I like to do around the holidays.

Tonight, I am opening my lovely home to all of you.

Come in, have a ginger dead cookie, hang a couple of balls on my Hanukkah bush,

and slaughter a carol or two with me.

Hey, carol, you're on in five.

Tuck the kiddies in, because everyone knows who comes in the dead of night. He

likes cookies and milk, and he knows if you've been naughty or nice.

Ted Bundy.

But on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes too, and Santa kicks some major butt. I

mean, he is like Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, and Jet Li all combined.

Seriously, he's not that.

But he's also a badass. You know how I know?

Because that jolly old sumbitch conquered the entire Martian armada in

holiday headache Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. That's how.

And yep, that's my Christmas present to all of you.

I am telling you the name of the movie so you can just leave if you want to

right now.

What did you get me?

But seriously, on Christmas, Santa brings toys to all the good boys and

But if you're naughty, forget Cole.

He'll just strap you down, prop your eyelids open, and force you to watch

sleigh wreck.

But hey.

There aren't that many bad holiday movies, so pickings were kind of slim

Christmas episode of Movie Macabre. I'll be decking my halls and jingling my

bells all night long and hope that you stick around for my holiday special. I

promise you've never seen a movie like Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Possibly because you have taste.

But everything seems to have a magical appeal this time of year.

Maybe because of the whiskey I poured in the eggnog.

But here's to tapping into the spirit inside us all. Ho, ho, ho. Merry

Christmas.

Enjoy the movie.

When we hear the sleigh bells ring, our hearts go tingling, because

they'll be friends with us under the tree.

Hooray!

Station KID -TV brings you the special event of the year, a first in television

history. At this very moment, KID -TV has standing by a television crew at

Claus Workshop.

And in just a few seconds, our special correspondent, Andy Henderson, will

you a person -to -person interview with Santa Claus himself, direct from the

North Pole, where at the moment, the temperature is 91 degrees below zero.

And now KID TV takes you by a Telstar, Andy Henderson at the North Pole.

Hi, kids. This is Andy Henderson at the North Pole.

Ooh, it's cold up here.

From this spot, there's only one direction you can go, and that's south.

was afraid of that. Living up here is pretty rough. I don't see how Santa

it.

Since we've been here, we've eaten nothing but frozen food. At least that's

way it is by the time we get it.

And now, let's take a look -see into Santa's workshop.

Hello again.

Boys and girls.

It's just weeks before Christmas, and Santa and his helpers are working

to make sure that there's enough toys for the kids all over the world.

Santa's a pretty busy man, but I'm sure he'd like to say a few words to you

kids.

Hello, Santa.

Oh, hello, son.

Oh! Oh, hello, boys and girls.

Oh, it's Andy. You caught me at a very busy time.

Well, do you think you'll be ready by Christmas Eve? Well, we've never

disappointed the kids yet.

Tell me, is it true that this year there's a rumor that you're going to use

rocket sled?

No, sirree. We're going out the good old -fashioned way with my reindeer.

Prancer and Dancer and Dunder and... Blitzen and Vixen and Nixon.

Nixon, oh, I always can't sonnet. I get those names mixed up, but the kids know

their names.

Santa, there you are.

We have so much to do, and you stand here dawdling, talking to this visitor.

Mr. Anderson, this is Mrs. Claus.

We're on television.

How do you do, Mr. Anderson? Now, I want you to go and finish painting those

hobby horses.

Television? Did you say we were on television?

Oh, dear.

Why didn't you tell me? My hair's a mess.

Hello there.

Come along, Mr. Anderson, and I'll

show you some of the new toys we're turning out.

How's it going, Winky?

Everything is a -okay, Santa.

Good man.

Winky is in charge of our space department.

Oh, now here, here is the latest toy rocket.

It runs on real rocket fuel.

Really?

I've been wondering, what is this strange little creature over here?

Oh, Winky made that.

That's his idea of a Martian. A Martian?

Wowie, wow. I'd hate to meet a creature like that on a dark night. I wonder if

there really are people on Mars.

Well, who knows?

Well, if there are, I hope they have someone like you up there, Santa, to

joy and good cheer to all the Martian children.

Oh, Mr. Anderson.

Keep going, Winky. Christmas Eve is coming soon. Now, Mr. Anderson, I want

show you...

Droppo, you lazy good -for -nothing, where are you? He's right in front of

Droppo.

Droppo, wake up. Wake up.

Stand up. Stand up.

Stand up.

Is he checking his oil?

Stand up.

Stand up!

I'm sorry, Chief Keymar, sir.

Droppo, you were the laziest man on Mars. Why are you sleeping during

hours? I wasn't sleeping, Chief.

It's just that I haven't been able to sleep these last few nights.

I forgot how.

So I was just practicing.

Well,

I suggest you practice doing your work.

Where's Lady Momar?

Oh, she went to the food pill center to get some new food pills.

The children haven't been eating well. No appetite at all.

It's no wonder.

They sit in front of the video set all day watching those ridiculous Earth

programs. It confuses them.

Where are they?

Oh, and they're watching Earth programs.

Say, Santa, what have we here?

These are new dolls.

Now, this little doll...

Walks, talks, cries, and she even sings.

Almost like a real live little girl.

That she is, sir. That she is.

All she needs is tender, loving care.

Bomar, what is it, doll?

I don't know, Bomar.

What is tender, loving care? I don't know either.

Bomar, Bomar.

I told you not to watch those silly earth programs.

Now go to sleep.

Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. I want to

see more toys.

No, go to sleep.

Hello, Dropo. I see you're keeping busy.

Oh, I've been working very hard, Lady Mopar. I've been vacuuming the room.

Good. Is the master here?

Oh, he's in there.

And Kimar's very angry, too.

Kimar, I bought some new food pills. I hope the children will eat these.

We have hamburger, buttered asparagus, mashed potatoes, and a special treat for

them. Chocolate layer cake pills.

Mopar, I'm worried about our children.

So am I. They've hardly eaten a thing in three days.

It goes deeper than that.

They're behaving strangely.

They appear to be troubled. They don't care to sleep.

I had to use the sleep spray on them again.

I mentioned this to my council chiefs today, and I learned it's the same with

children all around the planet, in every district.

Something is happening to the children of Mars.

Kimar, as leader of the Martians, you must do something about it.

I know.

But what?

Why don't you go to the forest and see Cho -Chem, the ancient one?

He'll know what to do. He's never failed you.

You speak wisely.

I will go.

Attention, council chiefs.

Please report.

Lomas reporting.

Rigna reporting.

Hargo here.

Voldar?

Voldar, please report.

Voldar reporting.

Gentlemen of the council, we will meet immediately at Cho -Chum's chair in

Thunder Forest.

What's wrong now, Eva?

I don't know, Voldar.

But I mean to find out.

Don't you just love the colors of Christmas? Red and green.

You know, holly and ivy. Santa Claus and Martians.

Slut and gore.

Well, stick around. There's more ye faith below coming when Movie Macabre

returns.

Just the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature

stirring. Oh, oh, oh, not a creature was stirring? What the hell am I, chopped

liver? They asked me to make cookies and then don't even acknowledge my doing

so. I swear if it wasn't Christmas, I'd hit you with this spoon.

Gosh,

the creature is right.

I mean, it's the season of giving, and I just take, take, take.

I'm not kidding. This is my third take on this gag.

I thought that perhaps if I just stopped to read a lovely little Christmas

story, then the rest of the holiday preparations would be more meaningful.

Um, these cookies aren't going to ice themselves.

Okay. Well, let's spoon out more holiday cheer as we watch Santa Claus Conquers

the Martians.

Where's Kimar? He should be here any moment.

What's this all about?

We'll find out when Kimar arrives.

We are probably going to seek the advice of Cho -Chem.

What does Kimar think we are, a kindergarten class?

Can't we make our own decisions?

Must we always come crawling to that dothering old man?

Cho -Chem is 800 years old. You can't dismiss the wisdom of centuries.

I can.

Gentlemen.

Thank you for coming.

Cho -Chem?

Cho -Chem, are you here?

Ancient one of Mars, I call upon you.

Cho -Chem, it is I, Keymar, and the council chiefs.

We need you, Cho -Chem.

We need your advice, Joachim.

Something is wrong with our children.

They eat not, they sleep not.

Their only interest is watching meaningless Earth programs on the video.

What time of year is it now?

It is the middle of September.

No, no, not here.

I mean on Earth.

Ah, yes.

It is early December on Earth.

Close to the time of the Christmas.

That explains it.

What is a Christmas?

It is an occasion for great joy and peace on

the planet Earth.

And for children.

It is also a time of anticipation as they await the arrival of Santa

Claus and his gifts.

Bah! What nonsense!

What has this to do with our children, ancient one?

We have no children on Mars.

They have children's bodies, but with adult minds.

They do not have a childhood.

seen this coming for centuries.

They are born.

Our electronic teaching machines are attached to their brains while they are

their cradles.

Information is fed into their minds in a constant stream.

And by the time they can walk, they are adults.

They've never played.

They've never learned to have fun.

And now, now they are rebelling.

What do you advise?

The children must be allowed to be children again.

They must learn to play.

They must learn what it means to have fun.

We need a Santa Claus on Mars.

This old guy's going to cack.

Santa Claus on Mars?

Well, we get a Santa Claus. There's only one Santa Claus, and he's an Earth...

Well,

I guess that takes care of that.

Didn't I tell you it was a foolish idea to seek advice from that old man? This

is a serious matter, Voldar.

And desperate problems require desperate deeds.

Earth has had Santa Claus long enough.

We will bring him to Mars.

I'm against it.

Our children are fine the way they are.

I don't want any Santa Claus bringing them toys and games.

They'll start playing and laughing and running underfoot. They'll become a

nuisance. I've made my decision.

We leave for Earth tonight.

Rigna, Lomas.

Prepare spaceship number one.

Approaching projected Earth orbit.

Fire. Portside rockets, number one and number two.

Portside rockets, number one and number two.

Fire.

Entering Earth orbit.

All right, Voldar. Now to find Santa Claus.

Turn on your magnoscope to third power.

We're over a city of some kind.

So that's what the Earth people call a city, eh?

How primitive.

Look at all those buildings above ground.

Why, we could destroy that city with one blast of our Q -ray. We've not come

here to destroy anyone.

Our only purpose is to bring Santa Claus back to Mars.

Turn to fifth power.

Let's see if we can locate Santa Claus.

He wears a red suit, trimmed with white fur, and he has a long white beard.

But there are millions of people down there.

It's like looking for a speck of space dust in a comet's tail.

Wait a minute.

I see him. I see Santa Claus.

I see him, too. He's standing on the corner ringing a bell.

No, he's not.

He's standing near the entrance of a large building next to a large black

kettle. He's standing on the corner, Kima.

Wait a minute.

I see another one.

Well, there are hundreds of Santa Clauses down there. Are we going to

all back with us tomorrow?

Just one.

And with so many, they won't miss one.

Prepare for landing on next orbit.

We interrupt our program with a special bulletin. An unidentified object has

been spotted in orbit around the Earth. The Soviet Union denies it has launched

any new space satellites.

Our radar stations are tracking the spaceship, or whatever it is.

The U .S. Air Force has alerted all defense commands and retaliatory units.

tuned for further bulletin.

Earth radar beams are bouncing off our ship. Well, it certainly took them long

enough. Hold on. Turn on the radar shield.

Misfunctioning of radar shield. Rigna, check the radar box.

Radar shield functioning.

What was wrong, Rigna?

A slight case of drop off.

Hi, Chief.

What are you doing here, Dropoff? Well, Chief, I went to the launching pad so I

could say goodbye to you. And I remembered.

I've never been to Earth.

So I thought I wanted to... I may leave you there in place of Santa Claus.

Now get below.

I'll deal with you later.

Trouble. Get below quickly.

Yes, yes, sir. I'm sorry.

Prepare to land.

We'll set down in that field near the lake.

Rocket silencer set.

Rotor rockets number one and two, fire.

All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit.

So, I've pulled my cookies out of the oven, because I know you like them nice

and hot. And I'm just putting the finishing touches on them now.

Mmm, delicious ginger dead men. Made with real ginger.

And real men.

We'll be right back to our holiday special, Santa Claus Conquers the

right after this.

Hello, darling. Welcome back to a very merry movie macabre. I was just trimming

my... Come in!

It!

Look, everyone, the It that came up on a midnight clear.

It, how are you? I haven't seen you since Flag Day.

You know, it seems like we only see each other on holidays.

That is so sweet.

Gosh, I wonder what it is.

Oh, wait. I've got a surprise for you, too.

Oh, gosh.

Let me see what mine is. Okay.

Ant, I can't believe it. It's just what I've been wanting.

A jawbone with Bluetooth.

Oh, now I can call all the characters in bad movies from anywhere.

But, Ant, this was so very expensive.

I mean, how did you afford it?

Got you a copy of... Hello, can you go?

Yeah,

I know. I sold my iPhone to buy it. I mean, the data plan was ridiculous

I need the iPhone to use the jawbone?

Oh, well.

I guess it's the thought that counts.

Except that neither of us were thinking.

Get back to the movie, shall we?

Fire retro rockets number five and six.

Retro rockets five and six. Fire.

our landing legs.

Landing legs lowered.

Tent and crew, this is Kemar.

When we've landed, Rigna, Voldar, and I will leave the ship to investigate.

Hargo, Lomas, and Dropo.

We'll stay on board on constant alert for immediate blast -off.

The Defense Department believes that the object spotted on our radar screens

might have been nothing more than a meteor which burned up when it entered

atmosphere. Professor Wernher von Green, our leading space expert, is still

convinced it was a Martian spaceship.

Stay tuned.

for further bulletins.

Billy, what does a Martian look like?

I don't know.

Nobody's ever seen one.

I don't believe there are any Martians. You don't, huh?

What would you do if a Martian looked right up behind you?

I'd scream.

Oh, stop it now, Betty. I'm trying to sleep.

I see a Martian.

You and your imagination.

Come on, let's go home.

Who are you? We're from Mars.

Don't be afraid.

We have children just like you on Mars.

What are those funny things sticking out of your head?

Those are our antennae.

Are you a television set?

Stupid question.

Is this what you want to do to our children on Mars?

Turn them into nincompoops like these?

Hold your tongue, Voldar.

What's your name, little boy?

Billy. Billy Foster, sir.

And this is my sister, Betty.

Perhaps you can help us, Billy.

We're looking for one of your Santa Claus's.

There's only one Santa Claus. We've seen many of them in your cities.

Oh, those are his helpers.

There's only one real Santa Claus, and he's in his workshop up at the North

Pole. That's what we came here to find out.

Let's go.

Come on, you two.

Let's go.

Leave them alone, Boulder.

What? And leave them here to inform the authorities?

He's right, Kemar. We'd better take them along with us to the North Pole.

Very well.

Come along.

This morning, two children disappeared mysteriously from the vicinity of Welch

Lake. The police have found no clues, and it seems as though Billy and Betty

Foster have simply vanished into thin air.

This appears to be a day when everything is vanishing into thin air. While local

police are continuing their search for the missing children, the armed forces

are continuing their search for the mysterious object from space.

All right, Billy and Betty, nobody's here. Come on in.

Molly! Now, I'm not supposed to bring you here. The chief's going to be awful

mad if he finds us.

Boy, way of the kids at home finding I was in a real Martian spaceship.

Now, don't touch anything!

Now, here.

That's the anti -gravity generator.

And these are the retro rockets.

Does this light up?

Only when radar waves are bouncing off our ship.

Then we put up this radar screen, then nobody can find us in space.

Boy, that's pretty sharp.

Yeah.

What's this, Choppo?

Oh, that's the elevator signal.

That light starts flashing when somebody's coming up from the navigation

Somebody's coming up.

You better get out of here.

No, no, no, no.

There's no time for that.

Oh, I'm in trouble.

Any other nap in the radar box drop -off?

No, sir.

As a matter of fact, I was just looking in there to remind myself never to hide

in there again.

I'd bet.

Approaching North Pole.

I can see Santa Claus' workshop.

I have to prepare for landing.

Fargo. Set the rocket silencers.

Drapo, you stay aboard and guard those children. They must not leave the ship

now.

Now or ever.

What do you mean, Polgar? If we take them with us to Mars, Santa's

will remain a mystery.

No one on Earth will ever know that Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians.

Perhaps you're right.

Drapo. Yes, sir. Get back to those children and don't let them out of your

sight. Understand?

Yes, sir. I understand.

I'll keep an eye on you.

Oh, little brown of Bethlehem.

How still we see this lie.

Because we're only 27 minutes into it.

Don't go away. There's more Boy to the World coming up as the very merry movie

macabre continues.

So for Sarah, I'll give her something she can really use.

Oh, Propecia.

And for Cousin Fallopia, I was... Oh, hello, darling. It's me, that box you'd

love to unwrap this Christmas, Elvira.

Now, I'm just sitting here making my list and checking it twice, telling

I'm only naughty for a price.

So how many of you are surprised to know that Elvira loves Christmas?

Well, it's true. I mean, I love... any holiday where we celebrate a Bloody

What?

What? Oh, so it's not... Oh, oh, okay. Oh!

Well,

you know, I love any holiday that celebrates three kings bringing gifts of

Frankenstein, and fur. I mean, come on, these guys really know how to sweet

-talk a gal.

What? What? You mean, what the hell is myrrh?

Any holiday where we throw a Yule log on the fireplace and wait for a fat guy to

drop down so we can roast his nuts over the open fire.

Well, that's how I celebrate it. Everyone has their own tradition.

Let's get back to more Martian madness as we continue with a very merry movie

macabre.

We've landed.

Secure the ship.

Lomas, you remain on guard and have the ship ready for immediate blast -off.

Rigna, Hargrove, Voldar, you'll accompany me. Come. We'll activate Torg.

Torg? To capture a roly -poly little man like Santa Claus?

We don't need Torg. We won't take any chances.

Come.

Nothing can stop Torg.

They're going to kidnap Santa Claus.

And us, too.

Not if we can help it. We've got to get out of here and warn Santa.

What's it all?

I don't know, but I'm not afraid of it.

It's not going to stop us. Come on.

Wait, Betty.

Why did you do that?

If this ship ever leaves Earth, we'll have the whole U .S. Space Force after

them. Come on. Wait a minute.

This action must take place swiftly. We can't afford to make any mistakes.

Hargo, you cover the rear of the workshop.

Rigna, Voldar, cover the front entrance.

I'll direct Torg.

Voldar isn't here.

Rigna, go up and tell Voldar... Voldar, this is another one of your delaying

tactics. You've been opposing me at every turn. Now I'm warning you, change

attitude.

You finished, Chief?

Yes, I am, and you will be too if you're not careful.

Oh, but I am careful.

See? So careful that I looked in at the children before I left the ship. You

stay away from those children.

That'll be easy to do.

They've escaped.

Bulldog, if this is your idea of a joke... Ask Droppo.

They overheard our plans.

At this very moment, they're on their way to Santa Claus to warn him. It's

Kimar. Their footprints.

We must stop them.

Those children mustn't reach Santa Claus.

Follow them. I'll put Torg on the trail.

Torg, come out of the spaceship.

Torg, come out of the spaceship.

I'm tired.

And it's beginning to snow.

Please, Betty, try.

We've got to warn Santa.

We can't stop now.

He might catch us.

Where is Santa?

I don't know. His workshop must be somewhere around here.

Oh boy, that was an out of escape.

Why did he run away?

I don't know.

Uh -oh.

We'll be right back to A Very Merry Movie Macabre right after this.

We now return to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians on a very merry movie

macabre.

Oh,

nice bear. Who shot the couch?

Don't move, Betty.

I'll go take a look.

It's all right now, Betty. Come on.

I'm cold.

I wish it wouldn't snow.

That's the best thing that could happen.

It'll cover our tracks and be harder for the Martians to find us.

for us to find Santa's workshop.

I'm scared.

We'll find it.

Which way is north?

But whatever it is, it's got breath.

Good work, hog.

Now destroy them.

Crush them.

Crush them, Torg.

Do as I say.

Hold on.

I knew you'd try something like this. I set Torg's control so he will obey only

me. Release him, Torg.

You were very lucky.

Now don't try to escape again. You may not be so lucky next time.

Fargo, take them back to the ship. Lock them up and rejoin us.

The danger grows with every minute.

Let's get Santa Claus and blast off.

We'll surround the workshop and send Torg in to get Santa.

Nobody is to be harmed unless they get in our way.

Ah, no one is to be harmed.

What has happened to the great warriors of our planet?

Mars used to be the planet of war.

Mark my words, Kimar.

Your softness will destroy us.

Santa Claus, toys, games, laughing children.

Well, we shall see.

But for now, to your posts.

Torg, follow me.

You're the biggest toy I've ever seen.

And very well made, too.

By the great dog Star, Santa's treating him like a toy.

Get him, Tor. Grab him.

He's become a toy.

Rigna, we'll have to get Santa ourselves.

Come on, Voldar.

What have we here?

More toys?

Those are Martians.

Santa Claus, you're coming with us.

No, you can't take him now. It's too near Christmas.

Quiet, you.

But... We don't want to hurt you, Santa

Claus, so come along quietly.

Why did you have to do that to my helper?

It's harmless. It'll wear off in a short while.

Oh.

Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place? Now, you come with us. We need

on Mars.

Are you sure this is harmless?

Oh, I never saw such lazy people.

Standing around like statues.

There's work to be done.

Let's get to it.

Oh, me, oh, my, oh, me, oh.

Oh, Mrs.

Claus is going to be very angry about this.

Take him, Torg.

Torg, take him.

Obey my command.

Forget it, Keymar.

Rigna was right.

He's nothing but a toy now.

Best to leave him here.

Believe me, I had nothing whatsoever to do about this.

You know, my dear, I can't recall a time when you were so silent for so long.

Let's go, old man.

And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians.

Never in the history of mankind have the nations of the world reacted with such

unanimity and cooperation.

Tonight, the lights will burn until dawn in the United Nations building as the

leaders of the world map the course of action.

Earth hasn't reacted yet.

No radar beams being bounced off our ship.

Looks like we made a clean getaway.

How's our captain?

He's having the time of his life.

He's such a funny little man.

I've only been with him for five minutes, and he has me laughing just

earthling.

What's soft and round, and you put it on a stick, and you toast it in a fire,

and it's green?

I don't know. What?

A Martian battle!

That's what you're all becoming.

Martian mellows.

Soft.

Weak.

That old man is a menace.

And it was a very foggy Christmas Eve.

Well, I could barely make out this chimney in the fog.

But I found it all right and I started to crawl in.

Well, I tell you, it was the biggest chimney I'd ever been in.

And then suddenly, suddenly I realized it wasn't a chimney at all.

It was the smokestack of the Queen Elizabeth.

Well, don't you think that was funny?

Yes, Santa.

Well, why don't you laugh?

Gee, Santa, it's all our fault. We told them where to find you.

Oh, balderdash and a fiddle -dee -dee, Billy Boy.

Everybody knows where Santa lives.

Besides, I've always wanted to visit Mars.

Mommy and Daddy are going to be angry.

You think that's something? I can just see Mrs. Claus now.

Christmas coming, and I'm not there.

She'll have her fit.

Oh, me, oh, my, oh, me.

Come and get it. Dinner time.

Here's Droppo. If I can't cheer you up, Droppo can.

He always makes me laugh.

Well, you'll have a wonderful dinner tonight.

Oh, there's soup and beef stew and chocolate ice cream.

No, thank you, Droppo. I'm not hungry.

Come on, Billy.

Well,

is it all right if I have your chocolate ice cream?

Sure. Oh, I just love chocolate ice cream.

Gee,

Mars must be a terrible place to live.

Some chocolate ice cream.

Pills for dinner.

I suppose if a Martian has a headache, he doesn't take pills. He takes

ice cream.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

K -Ma, look at this. That small blip is not an asteroid. It's a spaceship, and

it's on our tail. It's getting closer.

Impossible, Rignar.

They couldn't have spotted us. We have our radar shield on. I know that, sir,

but they are gaining on us.

Is it possible Earth has a secret device that can penetrate our radar shield?

They have a secret device, and his name is Billy Foster.

I warned you that these Earthlings are dangerous. They'll destroy us if we

them.

Well, I won't allow them.

I think we underestimate the resourcefulness of these earth people.

Very clever of the boy.

Make your repairs, Rigna. I'll take evasive action.

Well, and how is Santa and the little earthlings?

My, it must be tiresome cooped up in this little room.

Say,

How would you like to see the rest of the ship?

You're not fooling me. You don't like us.

You're mean.

Oh, come on now. That's not true.

Why, Santa makes everyone feel good. Even me.

I don't trust you.

Now, now, Billy boy.

That's not the Christmas spirit.

Why, of course, Poldar.

We'd love to take the grand tour.

All right, children.

Miss Corby? Airlock.

That's right.

Sure. This is where you come when you're ready to go out in space.

It's airtime.

You put on your spacesuit and go out through that door.

When you come back, the door closes and they pump air back into the moon through

there. When you're reaching the pressure of the rest of the ship, you can take

your spacesuit off.

Smart lad.

Where's the control that opens the door, son? Not here.

That's in the control deck.

You see, once you pull that switch, the warning bell sounds, and in 60 seconds,

that door opens.

That's to give a spaceman a chance to make a final checkup on their equipment.

There's no air out in space.

If that door were open now, it would pull all the air out of this room and us

with it. You certainly know a great deal about space travel, son.

He's going to be a spaceman when he grows up.

Maybe sooner than that.

seconds. That must be the door timer.

Santa, he locked us in. Oh, I don't think so. He probably just stepped out

moment.

It's locked.

I don't trust Voldar. He's not like Kim or any others.

I don't like him.

I'm worried, Santa.

Now, now, children, let's not get excited.

That is not in the Christmas spirit.

Where'd you say this leads to, Billy?

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Who's in the airlock?

No one.

Now.

What's going on, Bulldog?

Chief, Salmon and the children are missing.

Where are they?

around in space, along with the rest of the space giant.

Oh, I'm through with you, Bulldog. You wish you were floating around out there

in space.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Santa Claus, you're all right. I thought you were... Well, when Bulldog

accidentally left us in the airlock and then came up here and accidentally threw

the door switch, we knew we had to get out of there in a hurry or that would be

the end of us.

Accidentally, of course.

So he rolled out through the air duct.

The air duct?

But the air duct is just a little... And you're so big.

Why, you're talking to Santa Claus, son.

But how?

Well, now, you wouldn't want me to tell my secret, would you?

Oh, poor man.

He's fainted, just like someone who's seen a ghost.

We'll be right back.

What are you doing, Jack Brown?

Stop nosing at my nips.

Look at my nose.

God, I don't care about the nipple toe.

No means no.

Stay out of here.

Now I know how Rudolph feels.

Stick around, darling. We'll be right back with more very merry movie macabre

right after this commercial.

Must be one of my dear old friends calling with a holiday wish.

Hello?

Christmas, Elvira!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ha, ha, ha!

Hey, a gal's gotta make a living.

What do you want, breather?

Got an hog?

Ha, ha, ha!

Breather, look, the only reason I'm even still on the phone with you is because

it's Christmas and charity begins at home.

Well, I just wanted to find out if you've been naughty or nice.

Or nice and naughty.

Ha, ha!

Because I have a little docking stuffer for you.

Ew, well, Keep it in your pants.

I mean, the last thing I need is the used stockings you used to stuff.

Oh, and speaking of pants, why did Frosty the Snowman pull his down?

I give up.

No, really. I give up.

Because he saw a snowblower.

Get it? A snowblower.

Yeah, for crying out loud, breather. Look, just... Gosh,

I hope Santa can bring me a new phone number this year.

I'll try, dear lady.

I'll try.

Uh, yeah. Thanks, fat boy.

Back to more movie macabre.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride a one -horse open sleigh.

Merry Christmas, Voldar. All right, on your feet. Come on.

Droppo! I was handing these food pills through the bars and he grabbed my hand.

Shut up, Droppo.

Kemar, come in quickly.

Kemar? Yes, Regner.

Voldar has escaped.

What? He's gone.

There can only be trouble.

Put a constant guard on Santa and the Earth children.

Voldar will be back.

Chemo. Are you alone?

No.

Where? Earthlings. Billy and Betty.

Welcome to our home.

There's someone else, too.

Come on. Come on in.

Lady Momar, I'm not accustomed to entering people's homes through the

you have no chimney.

Welcome, Santa Claus. We hope you'll make the children on Mars very happy.

I'll try, dear lady.

I'll try.

Where are they?

Well, we'll start with my youngsters.

How are they, Momar?

The same. Quiet, remote, and very unhappy.

They're inside studying.

Well, let old Santa say hello to them. And I'm sure these children would like

meet them.

I'll tell them you're here.

Y over 5 pi r squared to determine the correct orbit from Mars

to Jupiter traveling along vector A through the 17th quadrant.

I missed you, too.

Children, I brought some visitors from Earth.

Will you come in, please, children?

Billy and Betty, this is Bomar and Germar.

Hi.

There's nothing in it. What are you giving me?

My hand to shake.

ten, too.

And Gilmar's eight. So is my sister.

We have another Earth person that wants to see you.

What's that?

They're laughing.

Bomar and Gamar, too.

They've never laughed before.

Come.

That's the first time in months they've gone to sleep without the sleep spray.

Santa, tomorrow we'll set up a workshop for you.

It won't be exactly the same as the one you have on Earth, but I'm sure it'll

serve your purpose.

Good, good.

Now, I'd like to get going and have the toy shop operating full blast so as I

can return to Earth for Christmas.

You know, Mrs. Claus is a very good -natured woman, but... Santa Claus, you

will never return to Earth.

Now you belong to Mars.

Ho, ho, ho.

Me, Odar, hiding in a dirty cave like a speckled Mars worm.

Oh, Kemar will get this. I'll find a way.

That's easy.

Let's get rid of the little fat friend in the red suit.

Oh. Like suicide.

Santa Claus was on the cusp of God.

We couldn't get within 20 feet of him without being disintegrated.

But I have other plans.

Someone's approaching the cave. Who?

It's me, Jim.

All right. Turn off the nuclear curtain.

All right, Jim.

Enter.

operating full blast.

No one suspects me. So I sneaked down and took a good long look.

It's nothing like the one on Earth. No one is sawing or hammering.

Kimwar has built a mechanized assembly line for the old man.

Toys are rolling off right a second.

This planet will be full of toys.

Jesus, are you finished yet?

You know, they got one little toy.

It's the cutest thing.

It's just a coil spring.

And it goes down steps all by itself.

I was tempted to steal one.

I'd like to fool around with the thing.

Toys! The decay is setting in. It's even affecting you. Soon all of Martians

will be blithering idiots.

Oh, we've no time to lose. We must go into action.

Now, we cannot eliminate Santa Claus, but we can discredit him. Make him a

laughingstock throughout Mars.

Come on. Now, listen carefully.

The workshop closes at 10 o 'clock. The guards will be at Timar's house,

guarding Santa Claus.

Now, this is what you'll do. See?

You did the right thing.

Hi, Billy.

Everything okay?

Gee, Donald, everything's good.

Hmm. I guess there's no child labor laws on Mars.

Well, hundreds and thousands of letters from all over Mars.

Lord. Heh, heh, heh, heh.

AK -47.

Two dolls.

Two dolls, yes, Daddy.

Three baseball bats.

Three baseball bats.

Look at me.

Santa Claus, the great toy maker.

Pressing button.

That's automation for you.

Technology.

Sweet.

Well, that's enough for today.

Let's close up shop.

Pretty

nice,

eh? Lady Moomaw made it for me.

Can I try it on Santa?

Don't be silly, Droppo. This would never fit you. Why, you have to fatten up

first.

Yes, well, there's another day gone, children.

As they say on Earth, another day, another dollar.

Well, hello, Santa.

How are you feeling today?

Tired? No, no, I'm not tired.

But my finger is.

It's been pressing buttons all day long.

Well, I think I'll go in and put my finger to bed.

Dear children, here's your milk. You can play for half an hour and then you'll

have to go to bed.

Daddy, may we watch the Earth program?

Certainly, dear. But only for half an hour.

Billy? Betty?

Don't you want to watch the Earth program?

Oh, no, sir.

We're not interested in Earth programs.

I'm going to sleep. Good night.

Me too.

Just a moment. Good night, Mr. Keymark. Good night, Lady Marmar.

Just a moment, children.

Are you feeling well?

Oh, we feel fine, sir.

Good night.

Good night. Has someone been mistreating you?

Oh, no, sir.

You and Lady Momar have just been swell to us.

Good night.

What could it be, Momar?

They're behaving the way our children used to behave.

Can't you tell, Kimar?

They're homesick.

They miss their parents, their friends.

Kimar, you've got to send those children back.

Impossible.

Santa says I gotta fatten up.

Molten milk.

Chocolate cake.

Banana split.

A double vodka over ice.

That takes too long.

Santa Claus.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Ho, ho, ho.

My finger isn't tired.

I think I'll go down to the workshop and make some more toys.

Ho, ho, ho.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Ho, ho, ho.

Jingle bells.

Jim, hold the light.

Hold the light.

Ah, this is going to shake them up.

These boys will never see the same again.

What a break. It's Santa Claus.

He's alone. No guards.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride.

Hello,

darling. I'm just dangling some balls that I pulled out of this box.

Gosh, I love gaying up a pine tree.

Seriously, there's nothing like shoving a tree up an angel's ass and decking it

out like a disco.

Gosh,

I just hope you're enjoying your yuletide yamboree.

We'll be back with more Santa Claus Conquers the Martians after our sponsors

give out some ideas for last -minute gifts.

Oh, hello, darling.

I opened the door, and a huge gust of snow just blew a big load right into the

basement. So I figured if life gives you bright yellow lemon, you make lemonade.

So when life gives you snow, well, don't do anything with yellow snow, but if

life gives you snow, make a snowman.

You know, the idea of sculpting a man out of snow really is ideal.

I mean, you can make him exactly the way you want, and then once you've gotten

hot and heavy, he's out of there.

Only problem is, then you have to sleep in the wet spot, but oh well.

If you're tuning in, I'm sorry you're alone this holiday.

We're just about done enduring Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. And once

finished, we all deserve presents.

Anyone who can make it through this movie deserves a freaking medal.

Hmm, let's see. What am I going to do with this?

He already has a nose.

Tomorrow marks the end of Operation Santa Claus.

And Mars returns to normal.

Droppo. Droppo, you rascal, where are you?

Droppo.

Children,

breakfast is ready.

Good morning, dear. Chima, I can't find Droppo.

His bed hasn't been slept in.

What's he up to now?

Good morning. Good morning, Lady Momar.

Oh, my extra suit.

The one you made for me is missing. I'm sure I brought it home from the toy shop

last night. That's two things that are missing. Your suit and Droppo. Uh, no.

Three. A reason for making this movie. That explains it. When you find my

missing suit, you'll find Droppo inside it. He's out someplace playing Santa

Claus. Take care of him. Oh, no, no. Now, now let him have his fun. He's

probably at the toy shop making toys.

He loves it.

Children, will you please hurry? Breakfast is ready.

Yes, yes. If you don't hurry, your breakfast will get cold.

Roppo, we're here.

He's hiding, Santa.

Oh, plain hide -and -seek, eh?

All right, Roppo.

Here we come.

He's not here, Santa.

That's funny.

Oh, well, he'll turn up. Let's get started.

Ready?

Okay.

Let's go.

One teddy bear and one dog. One teddy bear and one dog.

it again. What's next, Betty?

One baseball bat.

A baseball tennis.

Why, this will never do.

The machine isn't working right.

Oh, dear. What else, Betty?

Toy train.

A toy train.

This doesn't make sense.

Well, this never happened when we made toys by hand.

Something very strange is happening here.

Bulma, I think you had better call your father.

And there's something wrong with the toy machine, too.

I'll be right over.

It's time to go.

Shim, wake up.

I still think you're making a mistake. It's too dangerous walking right into

enemy camp.

Tomorrow's men wouldn't dare lay a finger on us. Not while we're keeping

Claus a hostage.

Now, if we're not back in three hours, you know what to do.

All right, Shim.

Open the nuclear curtain.

Word of warning.

If you've got any big ideas, forget them. If you walk through that nuclear

curtain, you'll be disintegrated like that.

Sabotage.

Somebody switched all the wiring.

Droppo's gone, your shooter's missing, and now this machine's been sabotaged.

Put them all together, it spells Voldar.

He was here.

And he thought Droppo was me.

He's got Droppo.

And I'm going to find him.

Poor Droppo.

Surprised to see us?

You're under arrest, Voldar.

Stop playing with toys.

Put it away, Keemar.

We have a weapon that's much more potent than that. As you may know, we are

holding Santa Claus a hostage.

One false move and your little ho -ho -ho man will be destroyed.

All right, what do you want, Voda? These are our terms.

First, destroy the toy machine.

Second, we will release Santa Claus if you promise to send him and the

Earthlings back to their planet.

Third... No more joy through toys nonsense on Mars.

Well?

Well, you win.

Are you sure you have Santa Claus?

You know we have him.

You mean you had him?

How did he get out of the cave?

Send the idiot!

And how did he get here so fast?

Santa Claus has powers that you don't know about. All right, arms up.

Rigna, Hargo, Lomas, report.

This is Rigna, Kimo.

Hargo and Lomas are with me.

Good. I've got Voldar and Stobo.

I'll keep them here in the storeroom of the toy shop.

Rigna, you come here and take them off my hands.

I want Hargo and Lomas to look for a man named Shim.

Tell them to search the caves along the transverse canal.

Right, Kimo.

All right, you two.

In there.

You're gonna be here for a while sit down

Can't you say anything else but ho, ho, ho?

Ho, ho, ho!

If you're thinking of leaving, Santa, let me remind you, once you hit that

nuclear curtain... Nuclear! Nuclear!

Ho, ho, ho!

Hey, Santa!

You're going to stand trial before the council.

I don't think you'll be causing any more trouble.

Well, now, I think that should do it, Billy boy.

Close the door, son.

Now, I think we need a little red paint.

And you'll find it in the storeroom. Sure, Santa.

Yeah, that's a good boy.

This time I'll take care of Santa Claus for good.

Smash that machine.

Santa! Santa!

Volga and another man are in the storeroom and they're coming to get you.

Oh, they are, are they?

Well,

maybe they'd like to have some fun with our toy.

And we'll see that they do. Won't we, kid?

Oh, we meet again, eh?

I don't know how you escaped, Shem.

But you won't escape me.

You're through.

Goldar, why don't you relax?

You're going to relax.

Permanent.

You're not here.

Me, you're in there.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I'm not here.

I'm in there.

Wait a minute.

I'm going to see who falls out of spite again there.

What happened?

I don't know what's going on in there, but I'm going to take care of you

Now, just a minute. I'd like to talk to... Oh, boy.

How am I glad to see you?

All right, inside, Stovall.

Why, Fitz, you can stop now.

I could see fire.

All right, Ringner, take them away. They've had a rough day.

You don't need me here, Kimo. You've got a wonderful Santa Claus of your own.

Ho, ho, ho!

Goodbye,

Billy. Goodbye. Goodbye, Betty dear.

You take care of yourself.

Bye.

I've got something for you, Billy.

Gee, thank you.

Goodbye. Bye.

Gee, we had fun.

We're going to miss you. Do you think we'll ever meet again?

I'm sure you will, children.

Thank you, Santa, for bringing happiness to the children of Mars. And the

Christmas spirit to all of us. Son, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you

and yours the very best of everything.

Now, if we hurry, we can get back in time for Christmas Eve.

Shall we get going?

Goodbye,

dear friends.

on who you talked to. I was a great girl.

Oh, look at all these wonderful presents.

Why, they're so booey -poo. I don't even want to open them. I just want them to

stay pretty and look like a Norman Rockford beanie forever.

Nah.

Oh, good.

What's this one? This is from my Aunt Marvin, twice removed.

Yeah, they cut it off twice and it just kept growing back.

Do I have enough fruitcakes for my family?

I mean, thanks Aunt Marvin.

And let's see what's in here.

A padded bra?

I need a padded bra like I need a padded bra.

Oh, let's use a card.

To Elvira, you can now keep your hands free too.

from the Stop and Shop.

Oh, I can't wait to see what it is.

Oh, it's one of these. I just can't tell you how

difficult it is to use a blanket anymore.

Oh, this is the best Christmas ever.

Oh, who is this from? Whoa.

Okay, do it, Elvira, because you're as much my present as these are yours.

Love, Satan.

Satan? Oh, Santa.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, I wonder what he could be. Oh, my gosh.

More crappy movies.

Like I don't have enough already.

Yeah, very funny. Looks like I get the shaft.

And you get another year of fabulous entertainment.

Well, darling, time to open some more presents.

But before I go, here's wishing you a very scary Christmas and unpleasant

dreams.