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Damn. Well, guess I shouldn't have worn
heels in the snow.

I just know I'll find the perfect
Christmas tree out here.

Okay, Tenenbaum, you're going down.

Larry!

Merry Christmas, Elvira!

I got you a little something.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

No, really, you shouldn't have.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll keep it for
myself.

Show off.

Oh, my allergies this time of the year.

Elvira, Merry Xmas, darling. You look
fantastic. Are you getting everything

done? Oh, I'll tell you. I am not going
to these stores anymore. Next year, I'm

doing all my shopping online.

Oh, it's crazy in there.

People pushing. Yellow treatment. Oh,
it's like the Fourth of July.

Anyway, darling, I got to go home. I got
cookies to bake. I got presents to

wrap. But you look fantastic. Did I tell
you that already?

Anyway, if I don't see you, have a
Merry, Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas, Elvira.

Oopsie.

Oh, hello, darling.

It's me, everyone's favorite X -mas
present, who really knows how to wrap a

package. Elvira, Mr. Said the Hark, as
in, Hark the Hell's Angel Sing.

You see my little sugar plum?

And those of you fairies watching
tonight, it's my second favorite time of

year. White flakes in the air, bright
lights in the sky, the sound of people

running through the streets.

Nuclear holocaust.

I'm just kidding. I am talking
Christmas, kiddies.

What is a Christmas?

Why, it's the time of year when people
are filled with the spirit. You know,

it's kind of like being possessed,
except instead of puking and spinning

head around, you buy things for people
and bake.

And baking is just one of the things I
like to do around the holidays.

Tonight, I am opening my lovely home to
all of you.

Come in, have a ginger dead cookie, hang
a couple of balls on my Hanukkah bush,

and slaughter a carol or two with me.

Hey, carol, you're on in five.

Tuck the kiddies in, because everyone
knows who comes in the dead of night. He

likes cookies and milk, and he knows if
you've been naughty or nice.

Ted Bundy.

But on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes
too, and Santa kicks some major butt. I

mean, he is like Bruce Willis, Jason
Statham, and Jet Li all combined.

Seriously, he's not that.

But he's also a badass. You know how I
know?

Because that jolly old sumbitch
conquered the entire Martian armada in

holiday headache Santa Claus Conquers
the Martians. That's how.

And yep, that's my Christmas present to
all of you.

I am telling you the name of the movie
so you can just leave if you want to

right now.

What did you get me?

But seriously, on Christmas, Santa
brings toys to all the good boys and

But if you're naughty, forget Cole.

He'll just strap you down, prop your
eyelids open, and force you to watch

sleigh wreck.

But hey.

There aren't that many bad holiday
movies, so pickings were kind of slim

Christmas episode of Movie Macabre. I'll
be decking my halls and jingling my

bells all night long and hope that you
stick around for my holiday special. I

promise you've never seen a movie like
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Possibly because you have taste.

But everything seems to have a magical
appeal this time of year.

Maybe because of the whiskey I poured in
the eggnog.

But here's to tapping into the spirit
inside us all. Ho, ho, ho. Merry

Christmas.

Enjoy the movie.

When we hear the sleigh bells ring, our
hearts go tingling, because

they'll be friends with us under the
tree.

Hooray!

Station KID -TV brings you the special
event of the year, a first in television

history. At this very moment, KID -TV
has standing by a television crew at

Claus Workshop.

And in just a few seconds, our special
correspondent, Andy Henderson, will

you a person -to -person interview with
Santa Claus himself, direct from the

North Pole, where at the moment, the
temperature is 91 degrees below zero.

And now KID TV takes you by a Telstar,
Andy Henderson at the North Pole.

Hi, kids. This is Andy Henderson at the
North Pole.

Ooh, it's cold up here.

From this spot, there's only one
direction you can go, and that's south.

was afraid of that. Living up here is
pretty rough. I don't see how Santa

it.

Since we've been here, we've eaten
nothing but frozen food. At least that's

way it is by the time we get it.

And now, let's take a look -see into
Santa's workshop.

Hello again.

Boys and girls.

It's just weeks before Christmas, and
Santa and his helpers are working

to make sure that there's enough toys
for the kids all over the world.

Santa's a pretty busy man, but I'm sure
he'd like to say a few words to you

kids.

Hello, Santa.

Oh, hello, son.

Oh! Oh, hello, boys and girls.

Oh, it's Andy. You caught me at a very
busy time.

Well, do you think you'll be ready by
Christmas Eve? Well, we've never

disappointed the kids yet.

Tell me, is it true that this year
there's a rumor that you're going to use

rocket sled?

No, sirree. We're going out the good old
-fashioned way with my reindeer.

Prancer and Dancer and Dunder and...
Blitzen and Vixen and Nixon.

Nixon, oh, I always can't sonnet. I get
those names mixed up, but the kids know

their names.

Santa, there you are.

We have so much to do, and you stand
here dawdling, talking to this visitor.

Mr. Anderson, this is Mrs. Claus.

We're on television.

How do you do, Mr. Anderson? Now, I want
you to go and finish painting those

hobby horses.

Television? Did you say we were on
television?

Oh, dear.

Why didn't you tell me? My hair's a
mess.

Hello there.

Come along, Mr. Anderson, and I'll

show you some of the new toys we're
turning out.

How's it going, Winky?

Everything is a -okay, Santa.

Good man.

Winky is in charge of our space
department.

Oh, now here, here is the latest toy
rocket.

It runs on real rocket fuel.

Really?

I've been wondering, what is this
strange little creature over here?

Oh, Winky made that.

That's his idea of a Martian. A Martian?

Wowie, wow. I'd hate to meet a creature
like that on a dark night. I wonder if

there really are people on Mars.

Well, who knows?

Well, if there are, I hope they have
someone like you up there, Santa, to

joy and good cheer to all the Martian
children.

Oh, Mr. Anderson.

Keep going, Winky. Christmas Eve is
coming soon. Now, Mr. Anderson, I want

show you...

Droppo, you lazy good -for -nothing,
where are you? He's right in front of

Droppo.

Droppo, wake up. Wake up.

Stand up. Stand up.

Stand up.

Is he checking his oil?

Stand up.

Stand up!

I'm sorry, Chief Keymar, sir.

Droppo, you were the laziest man on
Mars. Why are you sleeping during

hours? I wasn't sleeping, Chief.

It's just that I haven't been able to
sleep these last few nights.

I forgot how.

So I was just practicing.

Well,

I suggest you practice doing your work.

Where's Lady Momar?

Oh, she went to the food pill center to
get some new food pills.

The children haven't been eating well.
No appetite at all.

It's no wonder.

They sit in front of the video set all
day watching those ridiculous Earth

programs. It confuses them.

Where are they?

Oh, and they're watching Earth programs.

Say, Santa, what have we here?

These are new dolls.

Now, this little doll...

Walks, talks, cries, and she even sings.

Almost like a real live little girl.

That she is, sir. That she is.

All she needs is tender, loving care.

Bomar, what is it, doll?

I don't know, Bomar.

What is tender, loving care? I don't
know either.

Bomar, Bomar.

I told you not to watch those silly
earth programs.

Now go to sleep.

Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want
to see Santa Claus some more. I want to

see more toys.

No, go to sleep.

Hello, Dropo. I see you're keeping busy.

Oh, I've been working very hard, Lady
Mopar. I've been vacuuming the room.

Good. Is the master here?

Oh, he's in there.

And Kimar's very angry, too.

Kimar, I bought some new food pills. I
hope the children will eat these.

We have hamburger, buttered asparagus,
mashed potatoes, and a special treat for

them. Chocolate layer cake pills.

Mopar, I'm worried about our children.

So am I. They've hardly eaten a thing in
three days.

It goes deeper than that.

They're behaving strangely.

They appear to be troubled. They don't
care to sleep.

I had to use the sleep spray on them
again.

I mentioned this to my council chiefs
today, and I learned it's the same with

children all around the planet, in every
district.

Something is happening to the children
of Mars.

Kimar, as leader of the Martians, you
must do something about it.

I know.

But what?

Why don't you go to the forest and see
Cho -Chem, the ancient one?

He'll know what to do. He's never failed
you.

You speak wisely.

I will go.

Attention, council chiefs.

Please report.

Lomas reporting.

Rigna reporting.

Hargo here.

Voldar?

Voldar, please report.

Voldar reporting.

Gentlemen of the council, we will meet
immediately at Cho -Chum's chair in

Thunder Forest.

What's wrong now, Eva?

I don't know, Voldar.

But I mean to find out.

Don't you just love the colors of
Christmas? Red and green.

You know, holly and ivy. Santa Claus and
Martians.

Slut and gore.

Well, stick around. There's more ye
faith below coming when Movie Macabre

returns.

Just the night before Christmas, when
all through the house, not a creature

stirring. Oh, oh, oh, not a creature was
stirring? What the hell am I, chopped

liver? They asked me to make cookies and
then don't even acknowledge my doing

so. I swear if it wasn't Christmas, I'd
hit you with this spoon.

Gosh,

the creature is right.

I mean, it's the season of giving, and I
just take, take, take.

I'm not kidding. This is my third take
on this gag.

I thought that perhaps if I just stopped
to read a lovely little Christmas

story, then the rest of the holiday
preparations would be more meaningful.

Um, these cookies aren't going to ice
themselves.

Okay. Well, let's spoon out more holiday
cheer as we watch Santa Claus Conquers

the Martians.

Where's Kimar? He should be here any
moment.

What's this all about?

We'll find out when Kimar arrives.

We are probably going to seek the advice
of Cho -Chem.

What does Kimar think we are, a
kindergarten class?

Can't we make our own decisions?

Must we always come crawling to that
dothering old man?

Cho -Chem is 800 years old. You can't
dismiss the wisdom of centuries.

I can.

Gentlemen.

Thank you for coming.

Cho -Chem?

Cho -Chem, are you here?

Ancient one of Mars, I call upon you.

Cho -Chem, it is I, Keymar, and the
council chiefs.

We need you, Cho -Chem.

We need your advice, Joachim.

Something is wrong with our children.

They eat not, they sleep not.

Their only interest is watching
meaningless Earth programs on the video.

What time of year is it now?

It is the middle of September.

No, no, not here.

I mean on Earth.

Ah, yes.

It is early December on Earth.

Close to the time of the Christmas.

That explains it.

What is a Christmas?

It is an occasion for great joy and
peace on

the planet Earth.

And for children.

It is also a time of anticipation as
they await the arrival of Santa

Claus and his gifts.

Bah! What nonsense!

What has this to do with our children,
ancient one?

We have no children on Mars.

They have children's bodies, but with
adult minds.

They do not have a childhood.

seen this coming for centuries.

They are born.

Our electronic teaching machines are
attached to their brains while they are

their cradles.

Information is fed into their minds in a
constant stream.

And by the time they can walk, they are
adults.

They've never played.

They've never learned to have fun.

And now, now they are rebelling.

What do you advise?

The children must be allowed to be
children again.

They must learn to play.

They must learn what it means to have
fun.

We need a Santa Claus on Mars.

This old guy's going to cack.

Santa Claus on Mars?

Well, we get a Santa Claus. There's only
one Santa Claus, and he's an Earth...

Well,

I guess that takes care of that.

Didn't I tell you it was a foolish idea
to seek advice from that old man? This

is a serious matter, Voldar.

And desperate problems require desperate
deeds.

Earth has had Santa Claus long enough.

We will bring him to Mars.

I'm against it.

Our children are fine the way they are.

I don't want any Santa Claus bringing
them toys and games.

They'll start playing and laughing and
running underfoot. They'll become a

nuisance. I've made my decision.

We leave for Earth tonight.

Rigna, Lomas.

Prepare spaceship number one.

Approaching projected Earth orbit.

Fire. Portside rockets, number one and
number two.

Portside rockets, number one and number
two.

Fire.

Entering Earth orbit.

All right, Voldar. Now to find Santa
Claus.

Turn on your magnoscope to third power.

We're over a city of some kind.

So that's what the Earth people call a
city, eh?

How primitive.

Look at all those buildings above
ground.

Why, we could destroy that city with one
blast of our Q -ray. We've not come

here to destroy anyone.

Our only purpose is to bring Santa Claus
back to Mars.

Turn to fifth power.

Let's see if we can locate Santa Claus.

He wears a red suit, trimmed with white
fur, and he has a long white beard.

But there are millions of people down
there.

It's like looking for a speck of space
dust in a comet's tail.

Wait a minute.

I see him. I see Santa Claus.

I see him, too. He's standing on the
corner ringing a bell.

No, he's not.

He's standing near the entrance of a
large building next to a large black

kettle. He's standing on the corner,
Kima.

Wait a minute.

I see another one.

Well, there are hundreds of Santa
Clauses down there. Are we going to

all back with us tomorrow?

Just one.

And with so many, they won't miss one.

Prepare for landing on next orbit.

We interrupt our program with a special
bulletin. An unidentified object has

been spotted in orbit around the Earth.
The Soviet Union denies it has launched

any new space satellites.

Our radar stations are tracking the
spaceship, or whatever it is.

The U .S. Air Force has alerted all
defense commands and retaliatory units.

tuned for further bulletin.

Earth radar beams are bouncing off our
ship. Well, it certainly took them long

enough. Hold on. Turn on the radar
shield.

Misfunctioning of radar shield. Rigna,
check the radar box.

Radar shield functioning.

What was wrong, Rigna?

A slight case of drop off.

Hi, Chief.

What are you doing here, Dropoff? Well,
Chief, I went to the launching pad so I

could say goodbye to you. And I
remembered.

I've never been to Earth.

So I thought I wanted to... I may leave
you there in place of Santa Claus.

Now get below.

I'll deal with you later.

Trouble. Get below quickly.

Yes, yes, sir. I'm sorry.

Prepare to land.

We'll set down in that field near the
lake.

Rocket silencer set.

Rotor rockets number one and two, fire.

All this trouble over a fat little man
in a red suit.

So, I've pulled my cookies out of the
oven, because I know you like them nice

and hot. And I'm just putting the
finishing touches on them now.

Mmm, delicious ginger dead men. Made
with real ginger.

And real men.

We'll be right back to our holiday
special, Santa Claus Conquers the

right after this.

Hello, darling. Welcome back to a very
merry movie macabre. I was just trimming

my... Come in!

It!

Look, everyone, the It that came up on a
midnight clear.

It, how are you? I haven't seen you
since Flag Day.

You know, it seems like we only see each
other on holidays.

That is so sweet.

Gosh, I wonder what it is.

Oh, wait. I've got a surprise for you,
too.

Oh, gosh.

Let me see what mine is. Okay.

Ant, I can't believe it. It's just what
I've been wanting.

A jawbone with Bluetooth.

Oh, now I can call all the characters in
bad movies from anywhere.

But, Ant, this was so very expensive.

I mean, how did you afford it?

Got you a copy of... Hello, can you go?

Yeah,

I know. I sold my iPhone to buy it. I
mean, the data plan was ridiculous

I need the iPhone to use the jawbone?

Oh, well.

I guess it's the thought that counts.

Except that neither of us were thinking.

Get back to the movie, shall we?

Fire retro rockets number five and six.

Retro rockets five and six. Fire.

our landing legs.

Landing legs lowered.

Tent and crew, this is Kemar.

When we've landed, Rigna, Voldar, and I
will leave the ship to investigate.

Hargo, Lomas, and Dropo.

We'll stay on board on constant alert
for immediate blast -off.

The Defense Department believes that the
object spotted on our radar screens

might have been nothing more than a
meteor which burned up when it entered

atmosphere. Professor Wernher von Green,
our leading space expert, is still

convinced it was a Martian spaceship.

Stay tuned.

for further bulletins.

Billy, what does a Martian look like?

I don't know.

Nobody's ever seen one.

I don't believe there are any Martians.
You don't, huh?

What would you do if a Martian looked
right up behind you?

I'd scream.

Oh, stop it now, Betty. I'm trying to
sleep.

I see a Martian.

You and your imagination.

Come on, let's go home.

Who are you? We're from Mars.

Don't be afraid.

We have children just like you on Mars.

What are those funny things sticking out
of your head?

Those are our antennae.

Are you a television set?

Stupid question.

Is this what you want to do to our
children on Mars?

Turn them into nincompoops like these?

Hold your tongue, Voldar.

What's your name, little boy?

Billy. Billy Foster, sir.

And this is my sister, Betty.

Perhaps you can help us, Billy.

We're looking for one of your Santa
Claus's.

There's only one Santa Claus. We've seen
many of them in your cities.

Oh, those are his helpers.

There's only one real Santa Claus, and
he's in his workshop up at the North

Pole. That's what we came here to find
out.

Let's go.

Come on, you two.

Let's go.

Leave them alone, Boulder.

What? And leave them here to inform the
authorities?

He's right, Kemar. We'd better take them
along with us to the North Pole.

Very well.

Come along.

This morning, two children disappeared
mysteriously from the vicinity of Welch

Lake. The police have found no clues,
and it seems as though Billy and Betty

Foster have simply vanished into thin
air.

This appears to be a day when everything
is vanishing into thin air. While local

police are continuing their search for
the missing children, the armed forces

are continuing their search for the
mysterious object from space.

All right, Billy and Betty, nobody's
here. Come on in.

Molly! Now, I'm not supposed to bring
you here. The chief's going to be awful

mad if he finds us.

Boy, way of the kids at home finding I
was in a real Martian spaceship.

Now, don't touch anything!

Now, here.

That's the anti -gravity generator.

And these are the retro rockets.

Does this light up?

Only when radar waves are bouncing off
our ship.

Then we put up this radar screen, then
nobody can find us in space.

Boy, that's pretty sharp.

Yeah.

What's this, Choppo?

Oh, that's the elevator signal.

That light starts flashing when
somebody's coming up from the navigation

Somebody's coming up.

You better get out of here.

No, no, no, no.

There's no time for that.

Oh, I'm in trouble.

Any other nap in the radar box drop
-off?

No, sir.

As a matter of fact, I was just looking
in there to remind myself never to hide

in there again.

I'd bet.

Approaching North Pole.

I can see Santa Claus' workshop.

I have to prepare for landing.

Fargo. Set the rocket silencers.

Drapo, you stay aboard and guard those
children. They must not leave the ship

now.

Now or ever.

What do you mean, Polgar? If we take
them with us to Mars, Santa's

will remain a mystery.

No one on Earth will ever know that
Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians.

Perhaps you're right.

Drapo. Yes, sir. Get back to those
children and don't let them out of your

sight. Understand?

Yes, sir. I understand.

I'll keep an eye on you.

Oh, little brown of Bethlehem.

How still we see this lie.

Because we're only 27 minutes into it.

Don't go away. There's more Boy to the
World coming up as the very merry movie

macabre continues.

So for Sarah, I'll give her something
she can really use.

Oh, Propecia.

And for Cousin Fallopia, I was... Oh,
hello, darling. It's me, that box you'd

love to unwrap this Christmas, Elvira.

Now, I'm just sitting here making my
list and checking it twice, telling

I'm only naughty for a price.

So how many of you are surprised to know
that Elvira loves Christmas?

Well, it's true. I mean, I love... any
holiday where we celebrate a Bloody

What?

What? Oh, so it's not... Oh, oh, okay.
Oh!

Well,

you know, I love any holiday that
celebrates three kings bringing gifts of

Frankenstein, and fur. I mean, come on,
these guys really know how to sweet

-talk a gal.

What? What? You mean, what the hell is
myrrh?

Any holiday where we throw a Yule log on
the fireplace and wait for a fat guy to

drop down so we can roast his nuts over
the open fire.

Well, that's how I celebrate it.
Everyone has their own tradition.

Let's get back to more Martian madness
as we continue with a very merry movie

macabre.

We've landed.

Secure the ship.

Lomas, you remain on guard and have the
ship ready for immediate blast -off.

Rigna, Hargrove, Voldar, you'll
accompany me. Come. We'll activate Torg.

Torg? To capture a roly -poly little man
like Santa Claus?

We don't need Torg. We won't take any
chances.

Come.

Nothing can stop Torg.

They're going to kidnap Santa Claus.

And us, too.

Not if we can help it. We've got to get
out of here and warn Santa.

What's it all?

I don't know, but I'm not afraid of it.

It's not going to stop us. Come on.

Wait, Betty.

Why did you do that?

If this ship ever leaves Earth, we'll
have the whole U .S. Space Force after

them. Come on. Wait a minute.

This action must take place swiftly. We
can't afford to make any mistakes.

Hargo, you cover the rear of the
workshop.

Rigna, Voldar, cover the front entrance.

I'll direct Torg.

Voldar isn't here.

Rigna, go up and tell Voldar... Voldar,
this is another one of your delaying

tactics. You've been opposing me at
every turn. Now I'm warning you, change

attitude.

You finished, Chief?

Yes, I am, and you will be too if you're
not careful.

Oh, but I am careful.

See? So careful that I looked in at the
children before I left the ship. You

stay away from those children.

That'll be easy to do.

They've escaped.

Bulldog, if this is your idea of a
joke... Ask Droppo.

They overheard our plans.

At this very moment, they're on their
way to Santa Claus to warn him. It's

Kimar. Their footprints.

We must stop them.

Those children mustn't reach Santa
Claus.

Follow them. I'll put Torg on the trail.

Torg, come out of the spaceship.

Torg, come out of the spaceship.

I'm tired.

And it's beginning to snow.

Please, Betty, try.

We've got to warn Santa.

We can't stop now.

He might catch us.

Where is Santa?

I don't know. His workshop must be
somewhere around here.

Oh boy, that was an out of escape.

Why did he run away?

I don't know.

Uh -oh.

We'll be right back to A Very Merry
Movie Macabre right after this.

We now return to Santa Claus Conquers
the Martians on a very merry movie

macabre.

Oh,

nice bear. Who shot the couch?

Don't move, Betty.

I'll go take a look.

It's all right now, Betty. Come on.

I'm cold.

I wish it wouldn't snow.

That's the best thing that could happen.

It'll cover our tracks and be harder for
the Martians to find us.

for us to find Santa's workshop.

I'm scared.

We'll find it.

Which way is north?

But whatever it is, it's got breath.

Good work, hog.

Now destroy them.

Crush them.

Crush them, Torg.

Do as I say.

Hold on.

I knew you'd try something like this. I
set Torg's control so he will obey only

me. Release him, Torg.

You were very lucky.

Now don't try to escape again. You may
not be so lucky next time.

Fargo, take them back to the ship. Lock
them up and rejoin us.

The danger grows with every minute.

Let's get Santa Claus and blast off.

We'll surround the workshop and send
Torg in to get Santa.

Nobody is to be harmed unless they get
in our way.

Ah, no one is to be harmed.

What has happened to the great warriors
of our planet?

Mars used to be the planet of war.

Mark my words, Kimar.

Your softness will destroy us.

Santa Claus, toys, games, laughing
children.

Well, we shall see.

But for now, to your posts.

Torg, follow me.

You're the biggest toy I've ever seen.

And very well made, too.

By the great dog Star, Santa's treating
him like a toy.

Get him, Tor. Grab him.

He's become a toy.

Rigna, we'll have to get Santa
ourselves.

Come on, Voldar.

What have we here?

More toys?

Those are Martians.

Santa Claus, you're coming with us.

No, you can't take him now. It's too
near Christmas.

Quiet, you.

But... We don't want to hurt you, Santa

Claus, so come along quietly.

Why did you have to do that to my
helper?

It's harmless. It'll wear off in a short
while.

Oh.

Oh, why didn't you say so in the first
place? Now, you come with us. We need

on Mars.

Are you sure this is harmless?

Oh, I never saw such lazy people.

Standing around like statues.

There's work to be done.

Let's get to it.

Oh, me, oh, my, oh, me, oh.

Oh, Mrs.

Claus is going to be very angry about
this.

Take him, Torg.

Torg, take him.

Obey my command.

Forget it, Keymar.

Rigna was right.

He's nothing but a toy now.

Best to leave him here.

Believe me, I had nothing whatsoever to
do about this.

You know, my dear, I can't recall a time
when you were so silent for so long.

Let's go, old man.

And Mrs. Santa Claus has positively
identified the kidnappers as Martians.

Never in the history of mankind have the
nations of the world reacted with such

unanimity and cooperation.

Tonight, the lights will burn until dawn
in the United Nations building as the

leaders of the world map the course of
action.

Earth hasn't reacted yet.

No radar beams being bounced off our
ship.

Looks like we made a clean getaway.

How's our captain?

He's having the time of his life.

He's such a funny little man.

I've only been with him for five
minutes, and he has me laughing just

earthling.

What's soft and round, and you put it on
a stick, and you toast it in a fire,

and it's green?

I don't know. What?

A Martian battle!

That's what you're all becoming.

Martian mellows.

Soft.

Weak.

That old man is a menace.

And it was a very foggy Christmas Eve.

Well, I could barely make out this
chimney in the fog.

But I found it all right and I started
to crawl in.

Well, I tell you, it was the biggest
chimney I'd ever been in.

And then suddenly, suddenly I realized
it wasn't a chimney at all.

It was the smokestack of the Queen
Elizabeth.

Well, don't you think that was funny?

Yes, Santa.

Well, why don't you laugh?

Gee, Santa, it's all our fault. We told
them where to find you.

Oh, balderdash and a fiddle -dee -dee,
Billy Boy.

Everybody knows where Santa lives.

Besides, I've always wanted to visit
Mars.

Mommy and Daddy are going to be angry.

You think that's something? I can just
see Mrs. Claus now.

Christmas coming, and I'm not there.

She'll have her fit.

Oh, me, oh, my, oh, me.

Come and get it. Dinner time.

Here's Droppo. If I can't cheer you up,
Droppo can.

He always makes me laugh.

Well, you'll have a wonderful dinner
tonight.

Oh, there's soup and beef stew and
chocolate ice cream.

No, thank you, Droppo. I'm not hungry.

Come on, Billy.

Well,

is it all right if I have your chocolate
ice cream?

Sure. Oh, I just love chocolate ice
cream.

Gee,

Mars must be a terrible place to live.

Some chocolate ice cream.

Pills for dinner.

I suppose if a Martian has a headache,
he doesn't take pills. He takes

ice cream.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

K -Ma, look at this. That small blip is
not an asteroid. It's a spaceship, and

it's on our tail. It's getting closer.

Impossible, Rignar.

They couldn't have spotted us. We have
our radar shield on. I know that, sir,

but they are gaining on us.

Is it possible Earth has a secret device
that can penetrate our radar shield?

They have a secret device, and his name
is Billy Foster.

I warned you that these Earthlings are
dangerous. They'll destroy us if we

them.

Well, I won't allow them.

I think we underestimate the
resourcefulness of these earth people.

Very clever of the boy.

Make your repairs, Rigna. I'll take
evasive action.

Well, and how is Santa and the little
earthlings?

My, it must be tiresome cooped up in
this little room.

Say,

How would you like to see the rest of
the ship?

You're not fooling me. You don't like
us.

You're mean.

Oh, come on now. That's not true.

Why, Santa makes everyone feel good.
Even me.

I don't trust you.

Now, now, Billy boy.

That's not the Christmas spirit.

Why, of course, Poldar.

We'd love to take the grand tour.

All right, children.

Miss Corby? Airlock.

That's right.

Sure. This is where you come when you're
ready to go out in space.

It's airtime.

You put on your spacesuit and go out
through that door.

When you come back, the door closes and
they pump air back into the moon through

there. When you're reaching the pressure
of the rest of the ship, you can take

your spacesuit off.

Smart lad.

Where's the control that opens the door,
son? Not here.

That's in the control deck.

You see, once you pull that switch, the
warning bell sounds, and in 60 seconds,

that door opens.

That's to give a spaceman a chance to
make a final checkup on their equipment.

There's no air out in space.

If that door were open now, it would
pull all the air out of this room and us

with it. You certainly know a great deal
about space travel, son.

He's going to be a spaceman when he
grows up.

Maybe sooner than that.

seconds. That must be the door timer.

Santa, he locked us in. Oh, I don't
think so. He probably just stepped out

moment.

It's locked.

I don't trust Voldar. He's not like Kim
or any others.

I don't like him.

I'm worried, Santa.

Now, now, children, let's not get
excited.

That is not in the Christmas spirit.

Where'd you say this leads to, Billy?

Seven.

Six.

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Who's in the airlock?

No one.

Now.

What's going on, Bulldog?

Chief, Salmon and the children are
missing.

Where are they?

around in space, along with the rest of
the space giant.

Oh, I'm through with you, Bulldog. You
wish you were floating around out there

in space.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Santa Claus, you're all right. I thought
you were... Well, when Bulldog

accidentally left us in the airlock and
then came up here and accidentally threw

the door switch, we knew we had to get
out of there in a hurry or that would be

the end of us.

Accidentally, of course.

So he rolled out through the air duct.

The air duct?

But the air duct is just a little... And
you're so big.

Why, you're talking to Santa Claus, son.

But how?

Well, now, you wouldn't want me to tell
my secret, would you?

Oh, poor man.

He's fainted, just like someone who's
seen a ghost.

We'll be right back.

What are you doing, Jack Brown?

Stop nosing at my nips.

Look at my nose.

God, I don't care about the nipple toe.

No means no.

Stay out of here.

Now I know how Rudolph feels.

Stick around, darling. We'll be right
back with more very merry movie macabre

right after this commercial.

Must be one of my dear old friends
calling with a holiday wish.

Hello?

Christmas, Elvira!

Ho, ho, ho!

Ha, ha, ha!

Hey, a gal's gotta make a living.

What do you want, breather?

Got an hog?

Ha, ha, ha!

Breather, look, the only reason I'm even
still on the phone with you is because

it's Christmas and charity begins at
home.

Well, I just wanted to find out if
you've been naughty or nice.

Or nice and naughty.

Ha, ha!

Because I have a little docking stuffer
for you.

Ew, well, Keep it in your pants.

I mean, the last thing I need is the
used stockings you used to stuff.

Oh, and speaking of pants, why did
Frosty the Snowman pull his down?

I give up.

No, really. I give up.

Because he saw a snowblower.

Get it? A snowblower.

Yeah, for crying out loud, breather.
Look, just... Gosh,

I hope Santa can bring me a new phone
number this year.

I'll try, dear lady.

I'll try.

Uh, yeah. Thanks, fat boy.

Back to more movie macabre.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all
the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride a one -horse
open sleigh.

Merry Christmas, Voldar. All right, on
your feet. Come on.

Droppo! I was handing these food pills
through the bars and he grabbed my hand.

Shut up, Droppo.

Kemar, come in quickly.

Kemar? Yes, Regner.

Voldar has escaped.

What? He's gone.

There can only be trouble.

Put a constant guard on Santa and the
Earth children.

Voldar will be back.

Chemo. Are you alone?

No.

Where? Earthlings. Billy and Betty.

Welcome to our home.

There's someone else, too.

Come on. Come on in.

Lady Momar, I'm not accustomed to
entering people's homes through the

you have no chimney.

Welcome, Santa Claus. We hope you'll
make the children on Mars very happy.

I'll try, dear lady.

I'll try.

Where are they?

Well, we'll start with my youngsters.

How are they, Momar?

The same. Quiet, remote, and very
unhappy.

They're inside studying.

Well, let old Santa say hello to them.
And I'm sure these children would like

meet them.

I'll tell them you're here.

Y over 5 pi r squared to determine the
correct orbit from Mars

to Jupiter traveling along vector A
through the 17th quadrant.

I missed you, too.

Children, I brought some visitors from
Earth.

Will you come in, please, children?

Billy and Betty, this is Bomar and
Germar.

Hi.

There's nothing in it. What are you
giving me?

My hand to shake.

ten, too.

And Gilmar's eight. So is my sister.

We have another Earth person that wants
to see you.

What's that?

They're laughing.

Bomar and Gamar, too.

They've never laughed before.

Come.

That's the first time in months they've
gone to sleep without the sleep spray.

Santa, tomorrow we'll set up a workshop
for you.

It won't be exactly the same as the one
you have on Earth, but I'm sure it'll

serve your purpose.

Good, good.

Now, I'd like to get going and have the
toy shop operating full blast so as I

can return to Earth for Christmas.

You know, Mrs. Claus is a very good
-natured woman, but... Santa Claus, you

will never return to Earth.

Now you belong to Mars.

Ho, ho, ho.

Me, Odar, hiding in a dirty cave like a
speckled Mars worm.

Oh, Kemar will get this. I'll find a
way.

That's easy.

Let's get rid of the little fat friend
in the red suit.

Oh. Like suicide.

Santa Claus was on the cusp of God.

We couldn't get within 20 feet of him
without being disintegrated.

But I have other plans.

Someone's approaching the cave. Who?

It's me, Jim.

All right. Turn off the nuclear curtain.

All right, Jim.

Enter.

operating full blast.

No one suspects me. So I sneaked down
and took a good long look.

It's nothing like the one on Earth. No
one is sawing or hammering.

Kimwar has built a mechanized assembly
line for the old man.

Toys are rolling off right a second.

This planet will be full of toys.

Jesus, are you finished yet?

You know, they got one little toy.

It's the cutest thing.

It's just a coil spring.

And it goes down steps all by itself.

I was tempted to steal one.

I'd like to fool around with the thing.

Toys! The decay is setting in. It's even
affecting you. Soon all of Martians

will be blithering idiots.

Oh, we've no time to lose. We must go
into action.

Now, we cannot eliminate Santa Claus,
but we can discredit him. Make him a

laughingstock throughout Mars.

Come on. Now, listen carefully.

The workshop closes at 10 o 'clock. The
guards will be at Timar's house,

guarding Santa Claus.

Now, this is what you'll do. See?

You did the right thing.

Hi, Billy.

Everything okay?

Gee, Donald, everything's good.

Hmm. I guess there's no child labor laws
on Mars.

Well, hundreds and thousands of letters
from all over Mars.

Lord. Heh, heh, heh, heh.

AK -47.

Two dolls.

Two dolls, yes, Daddy.

Three baseball bats.

Three baseball bats.

Look at me.

Santa Claus, the great toy maker.

Pressing button.

That's automation for you.

Technology.

Sweet.

Well, that's enough for today.

Let's close up shop.

Pretty

nice,

eh? Lady Moomaw made it for me.

Can I try it on Santa?

Don't be silly, Droppo. This would never
fit you. Why, you have to fatten up

first.

Yes, well, there's another day gone,
children.

As they say on Earth, another day,
another dollar.

Well, hello, Santa.

How are you feeling today?

Tired? No, no, I'm not tired.

But my finger is.

It's been pressing buttons all day long.

Well, I think I'll go in and put my
finger to bed.

Dear children, here's your milk. You can
play for half an hour and then you'll

have to go to bed.

Daddy, may we watch the Earth program?

Certainly, dear. But only for half an
hour.

Billy? Betty?

Don't you want to watch the Earth
program?

Oh, no, sir.

We're not interested in Earth programs.

I'm going to sleep. Good night.

Me too.

Just a moment. Good night, Mr. Keymark.
Good night, Lady Marmar.

Just a moment, children.

Are you feeling well?

Oh, we feel fine, sir.

Good night.

Good night. Has someone been mistreating
you?

Oh, no, sir.

You and Lady Momar have just been swell
to us.

Good night.

What could it be, Momar?

They're behaving the way our children
used to behave.

Can't you tell, Kimar?

They're homesick.

They miss their parents, their friends.

Kimar, you've got to send those children
back.

Impossible.

Santa says I gotta fatten up.

Molten milk.

Chocolate cake.

Banana split.

A double vodka over ice.

That takes too long.

Santa Claus.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Ho, ho, ho.

My finger isn't tired.

I think I'll go down to the workshop and
make some more toys.

Ho, ho, ho.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all
the way.

Ho, ho, ho.

Jingle bells.

Jim, hold the light.

Hold the light.

Ah, this is going to shake them up.

These boys will never see the same
again.

What a break. It's Santa Claus.

He's alone. No guards.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all
the way. Oh, what fun it is to ride.

Hello,

darling. I'm just dangling some balls
that I pulled out of this box.

Gosh, I love gaying up a pine tree.

Seriously, there's nothing like shoving
a tree up an angel's ass and decking it

out like a disco.

Gosh,

I just hope you're enjoying your
yuletide yamboree.

We'll be back with more Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians after our sponsors

give out some ideas for last -minute
gifts.

Oh, hello, darling.

I opened the door, and a huge gust of
snow just blew a big load right into the

basement. So I figured if life gives you
bright yellow lemon, you make lemonade.

So when life gives you snow, well, don't
do anything with yellow snow, but if

life gives you snow, make a snowman.

You know, the idea of sculpting a man
out of snow really is ideal.

I mean, you can make him exactly the way
you want, and then once you've gotten

hot and heavy, he's out of there.

Only problem is, then you have to sleep
in the wet spot, but oh well.

If you're tuning in, I'm sorry you're
alone this holiday.

We're just about done enduring Santa
Claus Conquers the Martians. And once

finished, we all deserve presents.

Anyone who can make it through this
movie deserves a freaking medal.

Hmm, let's see. What am I going to do
with this?

He already has a nose.

Tomorrow marks the end of Operation
Santa Claus.

And Mars returns to normal.

Droppo. Droppo, you rascal, where are
you?

Droppo.

Children,

breakfast is ready.

Good morning, dear. Chima, I can't find
Droppo.

His bed hasn't been slept in.

What's he up to now?

Good morning. Good morning, Lady Momar.

Oh, my extra suit.

The one you made for me is missing. I'm
sure I brought it home from the toy shop

last night. That's two things that are
missing. Your suit and Droppo. Uh, no.

Three. A reason for making this movie.
That explains it. When you find my

missing suit, you'll find Droppo inside
it. He's out someplace playing Santa

Claus. Take care of him. Oh, no, no.
Now, now let him have his fun. He's

probably at the toy shop making toys.

He loves it.

Children, will you please hurry?
Breakfast is ready.

Yes, yes. If you don't hurry, your
breakfast will get cold.

Roppo, we're here.

He's hiding, Santa.

Oh, plain hide -and -seek, eh?

All right, Roppo.

Here we come.

He's not here, Santa.

That's funny.

Oh, well, he'll turn up. Let's get
started.

Ready?

Okay.

Let's go.

One teddy bear and one dog. One teddy
bear and one dog.

it again. What's next, Betty?

One baseball bat.

A baseball tennis.

Why, this will never do.

The machine isn't working right.

Oh, dear. What else, Betty?

Toy train.

A toy train.

This doesn't make sense.

Well, this never happened when we made
toys by hand.

Something very strange is happening
here.

Bulma, I think you had better call your
father.

And there's something wrong with the toy
machine, too.

I'll be right over.

It's time to go.

Shim, wake up.

I still think you're making a mistake.
It's too dangerous walking right into

enemy camp.

Tomorrow's men wouldn't dare lay a
finger on us. Not while we're keeping

Claus a hostage.

Now, if we're not back in three hours,
you know what to do.

All right, Shim.

Open the nuclear curtain.

Word of warning.

If you've got any big ideas, forget
them. If you walk through that nuclear

curtain, you'll be disintegrated like
that.

Sabotage.

Somebody switched all the wiring.

Droppo's gone, your shooter's missing,
and now this machine's been sabotaged.

Put them all together, it spells Voldar.

He was here.

And he thought Droppo was me.

He's got Droppo.

And I'm going to find him.

Poor Droppo.

Surprised to see us?

You're under arrest, Voldar.

Stop playing with toys.

Put it away, Keemar.

We have a weapon that's much more potent
than that. As you may know, we are

holding Santa Claus a hostage.

One false move and your little ho -ho
-ho man will be destroyed.

All right, what do you want, Voda? These
are our terms.

First, destroy the toy machine.

Second, we will release Santa Claus if
you promise to send him and the

Earthlings back to their planet.

Third... No more joy through toys
nonsense on Mars.

Well?

Well, you win.

Are you sure you have Santa Claus?

You know we have him.

You mean you had him?

How did he get out of the cave?

Send the idiot!

And how did he get here so fast?

Santa Claus has powers that you don't
know about. All right, arms up.

Rigna, Hargo, Lomas, report.

This is Rigna, Kimo.

Hargo and Lomas are with me.

Good. I've got Voldar and Stobo.

I'll keep them here in the storeroom of
the toy shop.

Rigna, you come here and take them off
my hands.

I want Hargo and Lomas to look for a man
named Shim.

Tell them to search the caves along the
transverse canal.

Right, Kimo.

All right, you two.

In there.

You're gonna be here for a while sit
down

Can't you say anything else but ho, ho,
ho?

Ho, ho, ho!

If you're thinking of leaving, Santa,
let me remind you, once you hit that

nuclear curtain... Nuclear! Nuclear!

Ho, ho, ho!

Hey, Santa!

You're going to stand trial before the
council.

I don't think you'll be causing any more
trouble.

Well, now, I think that should do it,
Billy boy.

Close the door, son.

Now, I think we need a little red paint.

And you'll find it in the storeroom.
Sure, Santa.

Yeah, that's a good boy.

This time I'll take care of Santa Claus
for good.

Smash that machine.

Santa! Santa!

Volga and another man are in the
storeroom and they're coming to get you.

Oh, they are, are they?

Well,

maybe they'd like to have some fun with
our toy.

And we'll see that they do. Won't we,
kid?

Oh, we meet again, eh?

I don't know how you escaped, Shem.

But you won't escape me.

You're through.

Goldar, why don't you relax?

You're going to relax.

Permanent.

You're not here.

Me, you're in there.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I'm not here.

I'm in there.

Wait a minute.

I'm going to see who falls out of spite
again there.

What happened?

I don't know what's going on in there,
but I'm going to take care of you

Now, just a minute. I'd like to talk
to... Oh, boy.

How am I glad to see you?

All right, inside, Stovall.

Why, Fitz, you can stop now.

I could see fire.

All right, Ringner, take them away.
They've had a rough day.

You don't need me here, Kimo. You've got
a wonderful Santa Claus of your own.

Ho, ho, ho!

Goodbye,

Billy. Goodbye. Goodbye, Betty dear.

You take care of yourself.

Bye.

I've got something for you, Billy.

Gee, thank you.

Goodbye. Bye.

Gee, we had fun.

We're going to miss you. Do you think
we'll ever meet again?

I'm sure you will, children.

Thank you, Santa, for bringing happiness
to the children of Mars. And the

Christmas spirit to all of us. Son, from
the bottom of my heart, I wish you

and yours the very best of everything.

Now, if we hurry, we can get back in
time for Christmas Eve.

Shall we get going?

Goodbye,

dear friends.

on who you talked to. I was a great
girl.

Oh, look at all these wonderful
presents.

Why, they're so booey -poo. I don't even
want to open them. I just want them to

stay pretty and look like a Norman
Rockford beanie forever.

Nah.

Oh, good.

What's this one? This is from my Aunt
Marvin, twice removed.

Yeah, they cut it off twice and it just
kept growing back.

Do I have enough fruitcakes for my
family?

I mean, thanks Aunt Marvin.

And let's see what's in here.

A padded bra?

I need a padded bra like I need a padded
bra.

Oh, let's use a card.

To Elvira, you can now keep your hands
free too.

from the Stop and Shop.

Oh, I can't wait to see what it is.

Oh, it's one of these. I just can't tell
you how

difficult it is to use a blanket
anymore.

Oh, this is the best Christmas ever.

Oh, who is this from? Whoa.

Okay, do it, Elvira, because you're as
much my present as these are yours.

Love, Satan.

Satan? Oh, Santa.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, I wonder what he could
be. Oh, my gosh.

More crappy movies.

Like I don't have enough already.

Yeah, very funny. Looks like I get the
shaft.

And you get another year of fabulous
entertainment.

Well, darling, time to open some more
presents.

But before I go, here's wishing you a
very scary Christmas and unpleasant

dreams.