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[announcer] Chicago, are you ready?

[audience cheering]

Chicago, are you ready?

Ladies and gentlemen...

Chelsea Handler!

Thank you!

Thank you, Chicago. Thank you.

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Straight people and gay people
who are up front and...

-are there any black people here?
-[cheering]

Smile, so I can see you.

It's a great city.

I love Chicago.

You guys have been so good to me
over the years. Don't applaud.

I started my tour and they said,
"Where do you wanna end it?"

I said, "Chicago. It's the most
American place I've ever been."

[cheering]

I said, "Don't applaud."

Why are you guys so fucking stupid here?

When you go on tour, you go to cities

you've never dreamt about going to
or you've nightmared about going.

Like Des Moines or...

like Boise.

You go to Alaska and you think,

"Oh, this is gonna be
fresh and interesting,"

and then you meet... Alaskans.

I did a show in Alaska.
I thought I was forging ahead.

I thought I was educating myself.

"I'm gonna go--

Wherever the fuck that is,
I'm gonna go there."

And I got to Alaska,

and I came out of my show
and I did a book signing.

I don't know why.
Nobody is reading there and...

and this guy was like...

He comes up to me
and he's really...

He looks like something
out of Breaking Bad,

and he's like, "Hey,

my wife is in the bathroom.
My wife is in the bathroom.

She looks like you. She talks like you.
She sounds like you. She acts like you.

You guys are identical."

He's like, "She's just
getting sick in the bathroom."

I'm like, "All right, cool.
Whatever, buddy."

And she comes out of the bathroom...

and has one fucking tooth.

[laughter]

How is one supposed to
respond to something--

And I'm looking at her like, "Hey...

twin.

Hey, cutie pie.

Look at us,
just sittin' here chillaxin'...

no fucking teeth."

When someone says
something like that to you,

you start to get paranoid,

and you're like, "Oh, my God,
do people think that I don't have teeth?"

I went home that night and googled
"Chelsea Handler plus no teeth,"

thinking, "Is there a rumor
that I don't know about?"

I woke up with my Invisalign
in my underwear.

That's how paranoid I was.

Alaskans are just--
It's over for them. They are just like--

It's like they're Asian
with a touch of the Down's.

It's true. Have you ever been there?
Don't fuckin' bother, okay?

Everyone looks like Billy Joel.

So I called my agent and I said,
"Hey, I wanna go on a stand-up tour,"

and he's like,
"Well, what are you promoting?"

I'm like, "Well, I don't know."

He goes, "Well, do you
wanna release an album?"

I said, "Release an--

That would be weird if I released an album
since I'm not a musician.

What are you talking about?

I'd sooner release
a perfume called 'Regret'

than an album."

And I was sitting in my house one day,
and sometimes I get bored,

you know, I'm not a real adult,
I'm a child.

And I was making these mock-ups

and I came up with this book cover
and I sent it to my agent.

I go, "Wouldn't it be funny
if that was my next book?"

And he goes,
"Did you already write a book?"

I go, "But no--
But isn't that cover funny?

Wouldn't it be funny
if I went to Uganda?"

He goes, "No, Uganda's not funny."

I said, "It will be
when I fucking get there."

And I did. I called my sister.
I was a little tipsy. And I...

Excuse me.

And I called my sister and I said, "Hey."

She was going through a divorce,
which I encouraged, and I said, "Hey."

I said, "Don't you think
it would be funny--"

I was breaking up with a boyfriend...

I go, "Don't you think
it'd be funny if we went to Africa?

We don't belong there.
We're loud American idiots."

I go, "I've always wanted to know
where rappers come from."

I go, "We'll go on
one of those five-star safaris,

hook up with a safari guide.

It's gonna be like
fucking Eat Pray Love with people,

or Sex and the City, whatever."

She goes,
"You wanna go to the AIDS capital...

of the world to hook up?"

I said, "Yeah, I mean...
Bring a condom. AIDS isn't gonna--

I'm not a quitter, bitch. Are you?
Are you a fucking quitter?"

[cheering]

Africa was the best trip, and I'm not--

I like to travel,
but I don't really care where I go.

I just know it's--
I always bring everyone.

I bring a bunch of people, and then I--

I thought someone was behind me. And...

I bring a bunch of people,

and the agreement is,
"I bring you. I pay for everything."

I'm not that kind of Jew.
I'm a total opposite Jew.

I do.

I will pay for your travel, your airfare,
your lodging, drugs, whatever you need...

and in return, don't have any respect
for your personal privacy

'cause it's not gonna happen.

And I was just so happy
when I got to Africa.

I wasn't expecting it.
This is the first day I got there.

Look how happy I am.

It's like, "What? This is happening
and I didn't know about it?

I would have traveled forever."
This is me two hours later.

They were like,
"If you're gonna keep urinating outside,

we're gonna bring you a throne."

I'm like, "Bring it, bitch."

And this is me two weeks into it
when they asked me to leave Africa.

Do you see?
I'm beaming. I'm beaming.

You guys have it so easy, men,
just peeing wherever you want.

'Cause it's so funny... urinate as
a woman. Like [imitating gunfire]

And I went, and I brought
a friend with me, this girl Hannah.

She's a weak... weak little Jew girl.

You know, those girls who are like,
"Oh, it's a mosquito." [whining]

I'm like, "It's a mosquito. What the fuck?
Man up, you little bitch, okay?

Man up."

They give you this medication.

You have to get shots in your shoulder.
[whining]

I'm like, "No, you have to get
a shot in your shoulder."

And they say, "You're gonna
take doxycycline for malaria

and you're gonna hallucinate
if you drink."

I go, "Well, we're gonna...
we're gonna drink."

So I trained for that. I drank...

I drank...

for weeks.

For weeks before I went to Africa,
I trained every night in my kitchen.

I had doxycycline and vodka
and margaritas

until I fucking saw straight again...

and I took it with my morning-after pill
every single night...

like a soldier.

Whether I had sex or not,
I always take my morning-after pill.

If you take it at night,
it can get rid of twins,

and that's what I was looking to do.

Anyway, we got there
and she was scared.

She was like,
"Oh, my God. It's so hot."

Yeah... this isn't
the fucking Olive Garden.

We're in Africa.

It's hot here.

And then she thought... and she was like,
"These guys are gonna rape us."

I go, "Okay, you can't say that.

That's super racist.
Like, super-duper racist.

I don't care
how much you're hallucinating.

You can't say,
'They're gonna rape us.'

They're our safari guides.

They're certainly not gonna rape us
the day we get here.

If they're gonna rape us,
it's gonna be the day we leave.

That's when you wanna
duct tape your vagina, okay?"

And this is like...
These are all true stories.

I'm making--
I wrote about her in my book,

and I didn't obviously
show her the book,

and she came over
the day before the book came out

and she said, "I'd really like to
see the book if it's gonna be about me."

And I said,
"I don't think that's a great idea."

I said, "I don't think
you're gonna like it."

And she said,
"You promised me."

I said, "Hannah, you know the drill.
You know what you did.

I didn't make it as bad as you were
and I changed your name."

And she said,
"I need the book. I need the book."

And I said, "You have to
get it on Amazon

like any other...
close personal friend of mine.

You have to get a--"
I didn't even have a book.

I had one,
but I wasn't gonna give it to her.

Anyway, she found the book

'cause she texted me
in the morning and she said,

"I have the book.
I'm super pissed off at you."

And I said, "What's the problem, Hannah?

I told you not to read the book.
I told you.

Wait three months till it's over.

Nobody's gonna be
talking about this book

in three months."

She goes, "You said
you were gonna change my name."

And I went, "I forgot.

You're right. That is wrong.
I forgot to change your name.

There are so many people in this book,
I fucking forgot, and I'm so sorry."

And I said, to try to assuage her,

I said, "Listen, Hannah,
don't worry if I didn't change your name.

Hannah is the most common name
in America of any name.

'Hannah.' Who gives a shit?

Nobody's gonna know
you're the Hannah that I'm talking about,

that I went to Africa with."

She goes, "Chelsea,
there are fucking pictures of me...

with the name 'Hannah'
underneath them."

And I said, "Well, I--
This is not a good connection.

I can barely hear you
because we're texting.

So if you wanna take a break...

from this relationship, I would say,
'Let's go ahead and do that.'

I would call this an
'oopsie-doopsie-woopsie-woopsie.'"

But I don't give a shit about Hannah.
She's happy.

After a while, people say they
don't want attention, they fucking do.

She can suck an egg.

I'm more concerned about my friends
who are private... professionals,

people who could lose their jobs
because of their friendships with me.

You know?
I'm not an elegant person

and I don't pretend to
live a legal lifestyle...

and I own a lesbian that I purchased...

and she's an attorney.

She's a partner at a law firm,
and she is like, "Chelsea, you can't."

I used to show pictures of her
on my TV show,

and she's like, "You can't do that.
Partners at my law firm watch your show."

And I'm like, "Well, then
they're up to no good anyway

if they're watching me."

And she's like, "You just can't--

And my clients.
I can't be associated with you."

And normally, a regular person
would be offended by that.

I get it. I'm like,
"I know-- You're right.

You're right.
You shouldn't be associated with me.

I'm sorry."

And she said,
"You can't say my name

when you go on this tour
and you're showing pictures."

She's like, "Please don't
show pictures of me

and say things about me."

And I said, "I won't.
I'm gonna respect that.

I don't want anybody to be disbarred."

Anyway, her name is Shelly.

Okay.

Look at that cutie face.
Isn't that cute?

She doesn't want me talking about her.
How could I not?

I won't say her last name.
We'll call her Shelly, uh...

Dyke-o-rama, okay?

And so she doesn't--

And she said, "Listen,
you can show a picture.

I just don't want you to say my last name
or say that I'm a lesbian

because a lot of
the people that I work with

don't know that I'm a lesbian."

I said, "Oh, really?
Is that what you think?"

It's funny, the tricks
we play on ourselves.

This is her on safari.

What the fuck?
The pussy's out of the bag.

What fucking straight woman's like...
[grunts] with a rifle?

Even her dog is scared of her.

Look. Look at that.
He's like, "Oh, fuck."

What kind of fuckin' angle is that?

And Shelly's a serious...

I feel like I'm living with a...
She's a super-lesbian.

There are lesbians
and then there's just--

There's one...

There's a 60-degree lesbian
and then it's 120 degrees.

Why can't you just be fuckin' women?
Why do you have to be attackers?

She's like living with
a human Harley Davidson.

She's got that lesbian vagina-out walk.

"What's goin' on in here?"

It's like, "Why do you have to walk--

Why does your pussy enter a room
five minutes before your face does?

[mutters]

Doesn't your fuckin' back hurt?

Did you have the bottom
knocked out of you so bad

that your ass is now a shovel
living inside your vagina?"

Who's comfortable like this?
This isn't...

She can't even go jogging.
We'll go jogging and she's like...

She's like a centaur.

She's like a half-horse, half-lesbian.

And she's from the South,

so she has those
big belt buckles that she wears,

and sometimes, she doesn't wear pants,
so it's just like a pussy with a crown.

And everything--

Lesbians... super-lesbians
think everybody else is on the fence.

Like, oh...

"I'm a pretty blonde,
but I might wanna eat pussy."

No!

No, I don't.
I fucking don't wanna eat pussy.

I'm telling you I don't wanna eat pussy.

"Hmm...

Whatever you say."

"So, what're you talking about?"

And she'll say--

I'll have friends over
that I've known for years,

and they'll be with a guy,
making out in my pool, and she's like...

[groaning]

I'm like, "Calm down what you're doing.
I see you.

I see what you're doing.

And she is straight.
She's with her boyfriend.

So, please don't fucking
ruin this relationship."

She's like, [mumbling] "I don't buy it.

I don't buy it."

"You don't buy what?"

"I ran into her in the restroom."

I was like, "Well, we're at my house.
So there is no restroom. It's a bathroom.

So your story's not fucking tracking."

She's like, "Chelsea,
everyone's bisexual."

I'm like, "No, they're not."

She said, "You were."
I go, "Yeah, one time...

until it was my turn."

[cheering]

But she's like my codependent.
She lives with me.

If she has a headache, I have a headache.
If she's hungry, I have a tuna sandwich.

If she has her period, I take a Vicodin.

We have
a very symbiotic relationship.

And people are like,
"You live with a woman?"

I'm like, "Yeah,"
and they are like, "Oh!"

And it never occurred to me
that anybody thought I was a lesbian

until I was at Melissa Etheridge's wedding
a couple of weeks ago

and everyone's like...

"Everybody knows.
The best kept secret."

And I'm like, "First of all,
that wouldn't be a secret if I was gay.

I would tell every--

You think the shit I'm telling people
is a secret?

If I was gay,
everybody would know about it!

I'm not not gay!
I'm not interested, okay?

Back off, all you fucking lesbians.
Back off!"

But Shelly's great,
'cause Shelly's the kind of friend--

When you're like me
and you live a delusional lifestyle and...

I drink excessively
and I'm proud of it,

and I don't feel bad,
but sometimes...

I very rarely have that shame spiral
that you have the next day,

and sometimes I do, and I wake up
and I'll say to Shelly, "Hey...

not feeling great
about my showing last night."

She goes, "You were fine.
You were totally fine.

Don't worry about it."

I was like, "Well,
I spilled a drink on myself."

She goes, "That drink attacked you."

And you're like, "Oh, thank you, Shelly.
Thank you for clearing that up."

We went to Hawaii.

I had to finish my book.
We went to Hawaii.

We took a bunch of girlfriends,
and I had to finish my book.

I said, "Lock me in the room."
And the night we came out.

We had this big party
and all we had was pretzels.

These big, straight, jumbo,
fucking asshole pretzels.

They were huge!

But I was just celebrating.
I ate. I was like, "Okay."

And I had finally finished it
and we go back to LA.

A week goes by, I felt like
I had a canker sore from the pretzels,

and then two weeks go by.

I had to leave work early,
like a delinquent,

to go to a dental appointment.

And I go to the dentist, I'm like,
"I think I have a canker sore."

And she goes, "Oh,
there's, oh, something stuck on there.

It looks like...

Oh, there's a little piece
of a pretzel lodged...

lodged on the roof of your mouth."

I said, "Come again?

There's a fucking dead pretzel
living in my mouth?

There's a pretzel squatting in my--

What else is up there?
What is there? A tortilla chip?

Get it out! Get everything out!
What is it, a lazy Susan up there?

What do you mean there's a dead pretzel?"
And I'm freaking out going,

"Who do you know?
Who are you gonna tell about this?"

My oral hygiene is out the window,
not like it's ever been in the window.

She said, "Oh, don't worry.
This happens to a lot of people."

I go, "Oh, does it, you fucking
Amelia Bedelia character?

Does it?

I've never met anybody who had a pretzel
lodged on the roof of their mouth,

you fucking sick bitch.
Tell me the truth."

And then she got it out, dislodged it...
and showed it to me.

I was so disgusted.

I was humiliated.
I was humiliated with myself, with her.

I could never see her again either.

I was like,
"This dental arrangement's over."

And I went and I left there.
You can't tell anyone that.

You can't call your boyfriend
and be like, "Oh, hey...

I found a sock in my asshole."

What are you supposed to say?
You don't admit that shit!

Even if God is coming down from the sky
with the pretzel that he found,

you're like, "No, it wasn't me."

I could call Shelly. I called Shelly
and she's at work at her "law firm."

Schnictendine and Bagelsham.

Hot Pastrami, Corned Beef,
Jew, Jew, Jew and Associates.

And I call Shelly and I said,

"Uh, I need to talk to you.
It's kind of an emergency."

And she goes, "I'm on a conference call
with all of my partners."

I go, "Well,
you need to get off the call...

and you need to
get on a secure landline.

Something pretty serious has happened."

And she calls me back.

She will get off that phone call
to call me.

She's like, "What's going on?"
I said, "I went to the dentist, Shelly."

She was, "Oh, my God!
Do you feel better?"

I go, "No, not really!

They found a fucking pretzel!

A pretzel and his family...
living in my mouth!"

She goes, "You said
you weren't gonna have pretzels

after those pretzels in Hawaii."

I said, "I fucking didn't!"

And there's that little bit of...

Like, that balloon of silence,
and I'm thinking, "What is she gonna say?"

She goes...

"I knew there was something wrong
with those fucking pretzels!"

And that's the kind of friend,
if you're somebody like me, that you need.

Give her a round of applause.
She deserves it.

[applause]

I try to be a good friend to people,
but I'm not really...

But... I try to be and return the favor.
Not in the same way

'cause I can't talk to somebody
who's as retarded as me all the time

and be like, "No, you were fine."

But I have a makeup artist
who's a big bitch, and she...

Her name is Jean and she's 50,

and she has one of those [in deep voice]
deep voices, and she's super negative.

You're like, "Hey!"
She's like, [in deep voice] "Hey!"

And you're like, "Oh, it's so sunny out."

She's like, "It's hot
where I was coming from."

And I'm a firm believer that the longer
you go without penetration, as a woman...

the deeper your voice gets.

And conversely, the more
you get fucked in the tushy by a man,

the higher your voice gets.

The same thing can happen...

And she wasn't dating
and she's very argumentative.

She could be doing my makeup
and she gets something in my eye.

I'm like, "Ow, something's in my eye."
She's like, "I don't see it."

I'm like, "Well, that's great,

but it's my eye,
so I know that something's in there."

She's like, "I don't see anything."
I'm like, "Well, can you fucking see?"

And she's like,
"Well, wait till you're 50.

You won't be able to
see anything either."

But isn't that one of the main criteria
to be a fucking makeup artist, is to see?

Wait till I'm 50?

I'm not gonna be doing fucking makeup,
so who gives a shit if I can see?

I hope I can't fucking see!
I've seen enough!

So I put her online 'cause
I'd decided she needed to get penetrated,

and I said...

And I did a nice thing. I googled...
I don't know what website I was on.

I just googled
"popular dating sites for elderly women"

and I put on...

Wait, let me show you her picture.
This is her, just so you know.

She's kind of a more
masculine version of Steven Tyler...

[laughter]

...but perfectly fuckable,

and I believe everybody
should get fucked all the time.

No, no, not all the time,
not as much as Shelly wants to,

but you should get sex.

It's important for your skin,
for your mind, everything. So...

I go online and I make a nice profile.
I think it's very nice and professional.

"Profile headline:
flirty, fun, 50, fresh,

fish lover, fruit lover,

famine hater, looking for
laughter, sex, fresh food."

Totally straight.

Just trying to do--
A nice friend, a solid for my friend.

"About yourself: love to laugh,

I love to be in funny situations,
like my morning coffee..." [grumbling]

It's just fucking super boring.
So I had to spice it up.

"About yourself: animal lover." True.

"Have two dogs, two chickens.

I ride horses every morning
at my neighborhood barn,

but haven't ridden a man in years.

Employment: fully self-sufficient
but could get fired any day.

Body type: tell you later."

Not because she has a bad body.
I just thought that was a great answer.

"Tell you later.

Here's my face.
I'll show you my body later."

"Seeking: a man who reads,
likes to travel and has his own life,

someone who loves to laugh

and can make himself laugh
because I'm not funny at all.

[chuckling]

Age range you are seeking: 18 to 99."

I'm super open-minded.
I'm on Tinder.

I don't check it, but I'm on it,
just in case I'm in a fucking situation.

Everyone should be online dating
if you don't have someone.

I hate people who're like,
"I'm not gonna go online. I'm happy."

"No, you're not! Go online, okay?
And then, just talk to me later."

"Height that you are seeking:
4 feet to 7 feet 11 inches."

And then I got bored
because these profiles,

if you've ever done them,
they take, like, three days

and you have to punch in
your credit card information

over and over again,
and then your zip code,

and I was like,
"Oh, my God, enough already."

So I had to amuse myself at the end,
'cause it was pretty straight-laced,

and so it said "ideal first date,"

and she hates guys who are into sports
or who play sports.

So then I was just kind of having fun,
'cause I knew she would never see this

and I said, "Ideal first date:
waking up early...

on football Sunday...

making my signature
homemade chili recipe...

and getting to suck mean dick
while the game is on."

[applause]

And she got a ton of responses.

You wouldn't believe--
My phone was blowing up.

Every day it was like a wink-twink-wink,
whatever the hell they're called.

And I didn't let her see the profile.
I don't even know how to see the profile.

[stammering]

So, tons of guys--
I was like, "Oh, this is great!"

And I made her agree.
I'm like, "You have to out with 10 guys.

One guy you're gonna wanna have sex with
out of 10. You have to go out with 10."

But every guy had facial hair
and was holding a huge fish.

Not facial--

Bald, but with facial hair.

Bald men with split ends on their face,

and then holding
a huge striped bass or Chileans...

and I didn't know...

And they're all on fucking fishing boats,
and I was just like, "Oh!"

And I'd show her and she's like,
"Why is every guy on a boat?"

I'm like, "They caught a fish for you.
Every single guy caught a fucking fish...

I said you like fish, they catch a fish,
and you're not gonna fuck this guy?

Come on!

Things are different than the last decade
when you had sex the last time.

A guy gets you a fish,
you better fuck the shit out of him."

I found out later
I was on seacaptains.org,

but I never told her that.

And she's super into horses
and she has a horse, and...

So this one guy, I doctored his.

I was like, "Look, he's..."
And I just clicked on--

You can click all these things.

I said, "Look, he's taking
horseback riding lessons,"

and then she looks,
she goes, "Yeah, online!"

And I'm like, "Well, at least he's trying.
He's got a fish. He's got an online horse.

You're not gonna fuck him either?"

So at first, I said, "Hey, listen.
Okay, you're ready to do this.

I need to know
what's going on in this area

'cause a lot of changes are happening.

People think they're making a move

and then you find out
the move isn't so great."

I got laser hair removal

'cause some fucking gay guy
that I was friends with was like,

"Oh, are you lasering your beaver?"

I'm like, "Oh, should I?"

This is 10 years ago.

I'm like, "Should I get laser hair..."
He goes, "Yeah, everybody's doing it."

Why the fuck am I taking advice from
a gay guy who's never gonna fuck me?

And so I'm sitting there in stirrups
in my fucking R2-D2 glasses

while they're lasering off my labia.

Getting laser hair removal,
eight treatments,

the most undignified thing
you could do as a woman,

just to hook up with
somebody from fucking Braveheart.

I'm like, "Oh, thank you
for giving me that heads up

so that I can go wax my vagina

and fuck a guy
who's on the Game Of Thrones."

Go fuck yourself.

And then I find out big, hairy '70 bushes
are coming back into style.

Oh, that's solid.
What the fuck am I supposed to do?

What, get plugs?

All I have left is an "E"
and an exclamation point.

[cheering]

My friend goes, "Oh, you have your...
You could do Latisse."

I said, "I'm sorry. Come again?"

She goes, "Latisse,
for your eyelashes, you..."

I said, "Put..."

She goes, "Yeah, you put that
on the base of your vagina."

I go, "My vagina has a base?"

What is this, a skiing mountain?

A port of operation?

I'm gonna put Latisse on my vagina?

I'm not gonna do that!

I'll put it on my ass
so I grow a little tail.

I'm not fucking doing that!

My Little Pony. It's like... [neighing]

Gay guys give the worst advice.

The same people are like,
"Have you bleached your asshole?"

I'm like...

"What color is it?

I didn't even know there were options.
Is it my color--

I thought it was white.
Is it not-- Have you seen?"

You're like,
"Does this person know my ass--

Has he seen my asshole?"

I'm like, "What do you mean?"
He's like, "There are a vary of colors.

It goes... There's a huge spectrum.

It goes from white to yellow
to lavender to navy blue."

"Someone has a navy blue asshole?

Who has a navy blue asshole?
What are you talking about,

'There's a spectrum'?"

How would I even find out about
my own asshole color?

You know how fucking hard it is

to find out your own asshole color
if you're not a gay man?

First of all, my asshole's a no-fly zone.

So if anybody sees it,
it's gonna be fucking dark out.

So who cares what fucking color it is?

That will be an accident.

Like, woopsie-oopsie-doopsie.

Put on these glasses
and act like we're on the set of E.T.

Don't say anything.

How would you even-- Do you know--
You've-- We've all tried...

with a camera phone.

You can't fucking get it.

You need a fucking surfboard
with a mirror

and a friend from kindergarten
and be like...

What do you see?

How bad is it?

How many are there?

Bleach my asshole, I'm not doing that.

I'll put a Crest Whitestrip on there,
but I won't bleach it.

I got laser hair removal
just so I could swim faster.

Mmm. Whoopsie.

When I think about assholes,
I think about my father...

because my father--

My parents were the worst.

They had me...
They had five kids,

and then they got pregnant by accident
six years after their last pregnancy,

and they were like,
"I guess if we just have another daughter,

she can raise herself."

And I would wake them up and be like,

"Hey, you guys, I need to
go to fucking nursery school.

Can one of you get out of bed?
What's the game plan here?"

And literally,
I was seven years old and I'm like,

"You need to potty train me.
Somebody needs to get me out of diapers.

This can't be cost effective.
I mean, seven?

I know how to fucking take a piss.

Can you please
get these diapers off of me?"

I had to register at a nursery school.
They were like,

"You don't want to
go to nursery school.

It's not important.
It doesn't matter till kindergarten."

I go, "Oh, it's fucking important, okay?

I'm trying to get away
from you two losers."

They call it, what,
helicopter parenting?

When you have Asian--
My parents were like ceiling-fan parents.

Sometimes they were on,
sometimes they just shut down...

and they were so embarrassing...

and my dad was just such a loser
and my mom was...

She was not a loser

but she may as well have been,
because she was hooking up with him.

And... I finally got myself into
a pop-up nursery school

and I went
and they wouldn't make me lunch.

They would give me $20 every morning.

I'm like, "No, no, this isn't school.
This is nursery school.

There is not a cafeteria
and there's no cash lifestyle.

I'm not a hooker.

I need a lunch. You need to
make me a fucking lunch.

One of you fucking losers
needs to make me a lunch.

And I'd prefer a lunchbox, okay?

I just got one on auction
at Hebrew school.

It's Ms. Pac-Man. Walk-a-walk-a-walk-a
your way to the fucking kitchen."

So my mom made me a lunch
and I was trying to--

I was going to school
to try and fit in.

I'm like, "Oh, cool,
I'll meet some people.

Maybe they can
get me out of my house.

I can get an apartment or a time-share.

Once I get out of these diapers,
anything is possible."

And I went and...

I went to school.
My mom finally made me a lunch.

I felt so good,

and then I went and sat down
with the cool girls at the table,

and I opened my Ms. Pac-Man lunchbox
and there were two hard-boiled eggs.

The most uncool lunch
you could ever have.

But I was like,
"No, I'm gonna go with this.

I'm gonna be ahead of the curve."

I was like, "You guys,
you don't know about hard-boiled eggs?

Wait till Easter comes, okay?
These are about to rock your world."

And I took them
out of their tin foil and then--

They were--
And smashed them against...

They were raw eggs.
They went flying everywhere.

And I went home that day and I was like,

"What the fuck is wrong
with the two of you?"

I go, "How could you
humiliate me like that

in nursery school of all places?"

I'm like, "Just put me down."

And now my dad is a disaster.

My mom died seven or eight years ago
or maybe longer.

I'm not really good with time,

but totally understand her checking out,
because my dad...

We had to put him in these homes

and he gets kicked out
of these assisted-living facilities

for sexually harassing the nurses.

Only black nurses.
Only black nurses and only Jamaicans.

He's really into them.

But when he gets kicked out,
they call us and they're like,

"Okay, you have to pay this fine to--
You need to send him somewhere else."

And then they call back and they're like,

"Oh, if you don't want us
to tell this story

to the National Enquirer..."

I'm like, "All right, LaQuanda,
why don't you settle down?

You're gonna get your fucking check,
Orange Is the New Black, okay?

I'm gonna get that to you.

Just take it down a notch.

I'm sorry that my father
sexually harassed you.

I understand.

Don't pretend that
this is a different conversation."

So, my sister called me and she's like,

"Listen, we're gonna have to
send him to an all-male nursing facility

so he can't do anything to women.
He keeps grabbing their Pikachus."

I go, "I got it. I got it. Let's do it."

Two weeks in,
she calls me and she said,

"Uh, he's being kicked out again."

I said, "For what?"
She goes, "Now he thinks he's bisexual."

I'm like, "Well,
this is costing me a fortune.

We're gonna have to put him down."

And then he texted me
this picture on Valentine's Day.

[audience groaning]

-[laughter]
-[scattered applause]

[man] Bring it on!

Thank you.
Thank you for your support, GLAAD.

I was in Rome
the day he texted me that photo,

and I texted this back to him...

[men whooping]

and I said, "The apple
doesn't fall far from the banana."

And this is my baby brother
who is an older baby.

He's training for his day in the sun

when he gets to hang out with my father
on Valentine's Day.

I've been doing this
for three months,

and I showed this picture
in Houston or something,

and my cousin-- You know,
one of your cousins you never speak to?

She came backstage
and she goes, "Oh, my God...

have things gotten that bad?"

I said, "What?"
And she goes, "Is that Seymour?"

I go, "No, no, that's not fucking Seymour.

You think my fuckin' father
texted me that picture, you dumb cunt?

No, that's not my fuckin' father.

What's wrong with you?
Can you imagine--

First of all, as if my dad's texting!

He's 83!

He's not sucking dick and then like,
'Let me shoot this off to my daughter.'"

Look, it's a fucking joke.
I found that picture three years ago.

You know how happy
I've been since then?

You know how much joy it gives me to
play it for straight men who are like...

[groans]

The faces...

The looks on straight men
who's like, "Turn it off.

Get it down! Take it down, Chelsea!"

This is beautiful.

Look at that.
These three guys have found love.

All three of them are so happy!

Look how happy they are!

That may have been Flag Day.
I don't know.

My favorite thing about the picture
is that everybody's mouths are full...

'cause as a woman, and I think I can
speak from a little bit of experience...

I'm 39. I'm not 29 anymore.
I've been around the block. I've got it.

I've had sex with plenty of men.

You guys... don't talk.

When we're having sex with you
for the first time

or for the first six months
in a relationship,

shut your face.

Don't moan. Don't moan. Don't say any--

Shut your eyes and shut your mouth.

It's very disenchanting
to open your eyes

and see a fucking guy staring at you
that you barely know.

I'm like, "Oh, my God.
Where's my rape whistle?"

It's like, "If he can see me,
I can see him. Where are we?"

I don't like guys moaning...
[moans]

You know how embarrassing
that is, you guys?

You can't make any sounds.
You're supposed to be in charge.

Women, we can.
I'm not talking about forever.

Once you're dating someone
for six months, you're into it.

You're like, "Oh, I know what you like.
We can talk dirty."

Don't open with anything
that you're not sure about.

[moans]

I was making out with a guy
and he started moaning.

I go, "What? Are you--
Are you okay?"

He's like, "I'm just so into this."
I go, "I'm not anymore."

[moans]

I dated a guy for two years... two years,
and I never opened my eyes during sex.

That's probably my intimacy issues,

but when I did,
I didn't fucking like what I saw.

Not for one second.

Every man here needs to go home...

get in front of a vertical mirror...

masturbate into it
and look at the look on your face.

[applause]

Look at it.

When you're ejaculating,
look at yourself.

You like that? No, you don't.

You wanna bring that into the bedroom?
No, you fuckin' don't.

You think that's somethin'
we can recover from?

[laughter]

[man] Whoo!

What the fuck is that?

I couldn't believe it.
This is a man I was into.

I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Are you an iguana?"

Don't talk. Don't ruin it. You're lucky.

Let's just get us wrapped in it
and then go off on your weird shit.

Don't talk dirty. Don't sweat.

If you're sweating, definitely don't talk.

Whatever you're thinking about saying,

cut it in half
and then don't say anything.

[laughter]

Don't say stupid shit.
If you're gonna talk, be original.

You guys are gay, so you probably
already have your thing down.

But be original.

Don't be like,
"Oh, yeah! This feels so good."

Yeah, I know.
That's why we're fuckin' both here.

It's not like I have
a flaccid penis in my mouth.

I got that it feels good.
It's called an erection. I know.

"You feel so good."
"Oh, really? Is it me?"

[laughter]

If we say somethin' like a girl--

Sometimes you're tipsy and you're like,
"Yeah, put your finger in there."

And they're like, [loudly] "What?"

I'm like, "I'm not gonna
fucking repeat myself.

I barely know you.

I just gave you a big outsie.
I just gave you-- I'm not--"

No, just pretend you heard us.
Don't say, [idiotically] "What?"

Like some sort of troglodyte, okay?

Pretend you heard us, flip us around.
Do something different, okay?

Act like it never happened.

Oh, or when they say "pussy..."

Don't say "pussy," you guys.
We're fucking adults now.

Don't say, "Your pussy's so tight."

Gross!

Gross! It makes me wanna close my-- Ugh!

Makes me wanna get in
the opposite of Indian style.

Whatever, fuckin' pigeon pose.

"Pussy"!

Don't say my pussy is so tight.
What the-- I'm 39. It better not be.

[laughter]

[applause]

[moaning softly]

And take your fuckin' socks off.

[applause]

Wanted to...

When I want to go on the road,
I have an assistant whose name is Karen.

She takes care of everything for me.

She's amazing. She's from Oklahoma,
and Shelly, my lesbian, is from Oklahoma.

-So let's give it up for Oklahoma.
-[applause]

They've been good to me.

And I said to Karen-- I said,
"Listen, I wanna go on this book tour."

I wrote this book.

I ended up writing the book
and I said, "I want to go on tour."

And I said, "I kind of
wanna go by myself."

And she goes,
"We don't think that's a good idea."

I said, "Who is 'we'?
What are you, Britney Spears' father?

What are you talking about?"

She said,
"There's a lot of stuff we do for you

that we don't know that you know
that we do for you.

We pack things
and we label things."

And I'm like, "Yeah,
I've seen a couple of those things...

that are labeled."

And then you're like,
"What did they think I thought that was?"

And I said, "Well, let me go."

'Cause you have a book out,

you go to New York,
you do these talk shows,

and I said, "Let me go to
do that New York part by myself."

I said, "I think it'll be good for me.

I've become a little bit of a baby
in the last couple of years,

so I'd like to go."

And I'm on the plane,

and I'm talkin' to this guy next to me,
thinking I'm flirting.

I don't know what I was doing.
Who knows what I'm doing anymore?

But I thought I was being pretty sexy.

I was like, "Your pussy's so tight."
[chuckles] He's like, "What?"

And all of a sudden,
I pull out of my big bag...

The first thing that comes out
of my bag, my purse, is this.

I'd never seen anything like this before
and it fell out of my bag.

So initially, I'm like,
"Oh, God, what the fuck?"

And then I'm like,
"Oh, God, that's fuckin' for me."

And I'm looking
and it's Advil, Excedrin, Tylenol--

How many different kinds
of headaches can I get, A?

And B, why are they
in the same fucking containers

that they would be in
if they were originally labeled?

They all came in containers
that were labeled.

Why are they now in
phosphorescent containers?

What am I, E.T., and I can only see
a certain hue of color?

And biotin, that's for hair growth.

They're like,
"Oh, maybe your vagina will grow back

on your way to New York from LA,
your four-and-a-half-hour flight.

Maybe your vagina hair will sprout out
and then we'll have to bleach it."

And so I immediately
tuck it back in,

I'm like, "You didn't see that.
You didn't see that."

Of course he saw it.

You always think you can cover up stuff
when you don't know someone.

They saw it.
They fucking saw that I'm retarded,

that I'm like that movie Nell,
traveling by myself.

So, then we were talking.
We have a couple cocktails,

and that can fool you
into thinking anything.

I'm like, "Oh, this is going down."

I'm going,
"I'm staying at the Four Seasons.

Where are you staying?
Come and sleep with me."

And then we go down
to the luggage carousel,

and I'm standing there.

I don't even have luggage.
It's been sent,

but I'm trying to act
like a regular person.

I'm like, "Yeah,
just waiting for my bag."

I'm like, "That's it,"
and he grabs the bag.

It's not mine.
I'm like, "Yeah, let's go!"

I'm a terrible person.

I'm a terrible person!

Just so I can fucking hook up
with some guy in New York.

Like, I'm a fucking prostitute.

And out of my bag falls--

The next thing that falls,

it's a Ziploc container,
but it's not even a Ziploc.

It's the more durable Ziploc

like those dental kits,
those travel kits...

that says "fresh panties."

[laughter]

"Fresh."

What, are they gonna be dirty panties?

Soiled panties,
in case you wanna change into these.

...in huge block letters,

and I'm like,
"What the fuck is this?"

He didn't speak to me.
He saw that and that was it!

Took some stranger's luggage,
went back to my hotel,

and I was so pissed.

I was so pissed at my assistant.

I'm like, "What the fuck?
Why would you try to humiliate--"

There were four pairs of underwear
in that Ziploc container

-for a four-and-a-half-hour flight.
-[laughter]

What do they think I'm up to?

What happened to me
that I don't even remember?

So I got back to my hotel room.
The guy blew me off.

I go back to my hotel room.
I get a little tipsy

and I text Karen, my assistant,
this picture, and I said,

"Am I supposed to take these
all at the same time?"

And she said...
She texted back...

"Are you wearing pantyhose...

in that picture?"

And I wrote back, "Is that
your fucking problem with that photo?

That I might be wearing hose?

First of all, Leggo My Eggo,
I don't even know where to get hose.

I don't know why my legs
are three shades darker than my torso.

I don't fucking know.

Maybe it was the room service guy
who is a big black stallion

that took the fucking picture
that he's reflecting off my thigh.

Maybe that's his--

Do you wanna talk to him?

His name is Tyshawn
and he's sitting right here."

We hung up and I started to think about...

It was a couple of years ago that
things got a little dicey at my house.

I remember waking up one morning
to answer the phone,

and I looked at my phone
and I was like...

And at first, I was like,
"Oh, that's funny."

And then I went to turn on my TV...

...and I thought...
"Is it funny or is it me?"

And there's a fine line
where you don't wanna say anything

'cause you wanna be in on the joke.

You can't-- If that's been happening,

I can't all of a sudden admit,
"I just saw this."

What if it's been there for six months?

What if this has been going on for years
and I just fucking saw it?

I went down to my kitchen
and I'm walking to my...

and I see my microwave.

And I open-- I'll never forget this day,
and I open my refrigerator door,

and there were see-through
Tupperware containers...

that said "grapefruit,"

"watermelon" and "grapes"

with the fucking fruit in them.

It said-- They were watermelon.
I've seen a-- I know.

If it didn't say watermelon, I'd be like,
"That can't be watermelon!

Are they trying to trick me?"

And I remember sitting
with my refrigerator open,

going, "Oh, my God!"

One person had a conversation,
probably Karen, with a label maker...

and said, "We don't know if she knows
what fruit looks like anymore."

And so, I called Karen and I said,
"I need to know."

I called her back
after I woke up that morning

'cause I knew I had to talk to her sober,
and I said, "Hey!

I wanna talk about my microwave.
Let's get down to business.

Forget about the pantyhose in the picture
that you thought you saw.

Why is there a fucking label
on my microwave?"

She goes, "Do you wanna know the truth?"
I go, "Yes, I absolutely do."

She goes, "Because, Chelsea,

I came over to your house
one morning at 6:00 a.m...

and found a pair of panties
in your microwave...

next to a Caesar salad...

with an iPhone charging in it."

[laughter]

I said, "I don't know
what your problem is, but...

I fell in the pool
and my panties were wet.

I don't know how to use
that fucking dryer, okay?

The last time I tried to dry my underwear
was on a George Foreman Grill

and I had fucking grill marks
on them for a month."

And she said, "And you had
cut bangs on your dog Chunk."

And that was the moment
where I was like, "Oh, shit!"

And I hadn't seen Chunk all morning

and I'm like, "Oh, God!
Do I wanna see him?"

And when someone says you cut bangs,
you know you did. You know you did it.

And I said, "Well, whatever, Karen.
That was Saturday night!

I don't know. Shit goes down.
I didn't hurt anybody."

She said, "Chelsea, you tweeted something
at 5:00 in the morning that said,

'Do you think it's okay to drink
while you're pregnant...

if you're planning on
giving the baby up for adoption?'"

[laughter]

I said, "Again, I've said that before.
I think that's a valid point."

And she said, "Yes, but you
tweeted this picture along with it."

I think I look happy in that photo.

I think I'm looking like
I'm having a great time,

and if that's what it takes
to make me happy,

I had a great time that night.

Maybe I was pregnant.
Who knows?

Obviously, it didn't take,
so that's not my problem...

and maybe the answer is, "No,
you can't drink while you're pregnant."

I don't know. Who knows?

Anyway, Chunk is fine.

His hair grew back
and here's a recent picture of him.

This is Chunk and this is Jacks.

Chunk is my half-Asian, half-Jew dog
'cause I'm trying to cover all bases,

and then Jacks is a rapper.
He's 50 Cent.

And I love my dogs,
and I'm not an animal person at all,

but I'm into my dogs and I like them to
fly with me and to travel with me, and...

-[applause]
-Thank you.

I went on vacation with my family
to Whistler a couple of years ago,

and Karen said,
"Oh, you can't take the dogs

'cause they'll have to be quarantined
because it's Canada."

And I was like, "Oh, okay."

And so I got to Canada
and the manager of the hotel said,

"Where's Mr. Chunk?
I follow him on Twitter."

And I went, "Well,
you're a real fuckin' loser...

if you're following
a fuckin' dog on Twitter.

I didn't even know
he had a Twitter account.

Are you fucking serious?

Where's my dog?
Where's your fucking doctor?"

And I said, "I can't bring the dogs.
They have to be quarantined."

He goes, "No, they don't.
This is North America.

You can bring dogs anywhere."
And I'm like, "Oh, my God!

It's Hanukkah, Christmas and New Year's,
their favorite holidays."

He celebrates Kwanzaa
and Chunk celebrates Hanukkah.

I wanted them with me.

And I call Karen, and I said--

From Oklahoma, I go,
"What the fuck, you dumb bitch?"

I said, "Why aren't the dogs here?"
And she said, "Okay, I didn't know..."

I said, "He said it's fine."

And I said, "Find a doggie airline
or a doggie bus or something

and get them to Canada."

And she calls me back
and said she found a doggie train.

I said, "Chunk is a Jew.

Think I'm gonna
put him on a fucking train?

[applause]

Ausch-Canada?
I don't fucking think so.

He's half-Asian, half-Jew.
He's been to enough camps, okay?"

And so I email her back and go,
"Get them a private plane.

They need to be with us
over the High Holidays."

And she said, "Come again?" I said,

"You heard me.
Copy that. Over and out.

Get them a private plane.
You fucked this up.

Now I have to fix your mistake."

And she said, "I have to ask you.

You told me if you make these requests
to ask you if you've been drinking."

[laughter]

And I said, "It's 2:00 in the afternoon."
She goes, "That's not the issue."

And... so she sent them.
I said, "No, you have to send them."

So she sent them, and this is Chunk
flying to meet me in Canada.

-Look at him.
-[audience] Aw!

Okay?

I stand behind my decision.

I don't give a shit what anybody
fucking thinks about what I do.

And this is them meeting me
on the helicopter when I met them.

These are the fucking
happiest dogs in the world.

And then I come back to work.

I have two weeks off of nice tranquility,

and I come back to work

and I have this lame, dip-shit,
translucent piece of shit

that works for me...

and he's so disgusted by
the fact that I flew my dogs privately,

he charges into my office
like a hella Jew going... [squealing]

He's like, "Have you
completely lost touch with reality?

You're flying your dogs privately."

I go, "Yeah, I fucking did because
they are more successful than you."

And he said,
"How do you think those pilots felt?

Training for years
and years and years...

to get their first private flight
and the manifest is one boxer...

and one German shepherd."

I said, "You know what, Brad?
If this is how I wanna spend my money,

this is how I'm gonna
fucking spend my money.

This makes me happy,

-then I'm gonna do it."
-[applause]

Thank you, PETA.
Thank you for supporting my decision.

Thank you.

[loud cheering]

Chunky, sit! Sit, Chunky, sit!

[laughter]

Jackie, come here, Jackie! Sit, Jackie!

Jackie, sit!

Good boy! Chunky, sit!

-Say hi to everybody. This is your--
-[cheering]

Chunk, come back!

Sit.

Brad...

how did the dogs get here?

They flew with you on a private plane.

[applause]

And how did you get here?

-I flew coach.
-[laughter]

Thanks, guys!

They won't leave.

[audience] Aw!

Chunky, are you the cutest little
Jew-Asian I've ever met in my life?

Cutie pie. So cute.

Does it make you happy?

This will make PETA shut the fuck up
for the rest of my life.

Go, Chunky! Go, go, go, go!

[audience] Aw!

Brad, act like a man.

[laughter]

[chuckles]

I hate PETA.

I hate people who yell at you
every time you break--

They're like, "Oh, you adopted a dog!
Oh, you had Chuy on a donkey!"

I go, "Yeah, those things
are gonna happen.

In any given week,
anything could happen."

-I will eat a cat to piss PETA off.
-[laughter]

I would. I would fucking feed a parrot,
another animal I can't fucking stand,

feed it to a cat,
cook them both and then eat it

just to piss PETA off,
and send them a video, a link.

Cats! I hate people...
"I have a great cat."

Really? Do you?

Think about that.
No, you don't.

[laughter]

What is a cat bringing to the table?
Has anybody ever met a cool cat?

"Hey, you gotta meet this cat."

No, you don't.

"We've got live cats in here."
Nobody has that sign.

"Watch out for the cats."
"Beware of cats."

Who takes a dump in a box?

A dump in a box in a fucking room!

Usually, a kitchen
or something involving linoleum,

another disgusting component of culture.

Takes a shit in a box...

and then hides it...

from the fucking person
who saved them.

You're hiding your shit from your owner.
What kind of fucking sick cat are you?

Hiding your shit...

And then walks back in the room
like nothing happened.

Like, "Hey, what'd I miss?"
You missed wiping your ass, you dirty cat!

That's why I went to Africa.
I wanted to respect animals more,

and I had torn my ACL
and you get this surgery.

I was skiing in Switzerland.
I have no ski skill, but I have no fear.

So I just go down mountains and I'm like,
"Why am I birthing an elephant?"

They're like, "Close your legs."
I'm like, "Too late."

Then I heard my knee clicking,

and when you get this surgery,
your leg atrophies,

and I was medevaced
off this mountain by these Nazis.

Everywhere I go, it's fucking
German, German, German shit.

[making gutteral noises]

Don't fucking talk to me.

I was like, "Oh, here we go.

We're going straight to
one of these fucking camps.

Straight to one of these camps."

I'm like,
"I thought I was past this."

We were in Germany.
I went to the hospital and they--

They're so mean, Germans.
They're so mean.

And I'm like, "Shouldn't you be upset
about what you've done?

Aren't you upset, embarrassed?"

And then my cousin was with me, Molly,

and she goes, "We should go to one of
those concentration camps tomorrow

since you can't really walk."

I go, "I don't think
I'm in the mood for that.

Yeah, that sounds
super fucking depressing.

I don't think I'm up for it."

She goes, "You think
anybody was in the fucking mood...

to go to a concentration camp?"

I'm like, "It sounds like
a mostly outdoor event

and I would like to miss that."

So we went to Africa 'cause
I was trying to have an easy vacation,

and then we flew back
and our friend said,

"Oh, come to the Bahamas
so you can get used to your jet lag.

Get over your jet lag
in the Bahamas."

And I was with the lesbian, Shelly,
and so we went...

and my body was fucked up.

I was like a Bell's Palsy Vietnam vet.

One leg was half the size of the other,
cellulite on my ankle.

I'm like, "What, is this draining?"
It was awful.

And I felt... I wasn't gonna be
in a bathing suit in front of people.

I was horrified by my body,
and I woke up one morning.

It was 6:00 a.m.
and I'm like, "Okay."

You know you wake up
all fucked-up times when you travel?

And I was like, "I'm gonna
take a walk on the beach right now

when no one's out there."

And I'm walking in my bikini.

I'm like, "Oh, this is spiritual."
I was thinking about my dead mom.

And I was like, "I wonder if
my dead mom would be proud of me.

I went to Africa. It's pretty cool.
I didn't just go to Cabo.

I could've gone to Cabo,
but I went to fucking Africa."

And I was thinking about her
and I got in the water,

and I was thinking about life
and how lucky I am that I have this job,

that I get to come here
and people pay money to see me.

I'm like, "This is so ridiculous."

And I got in the water,

and I got that sharp, shooting pain
that you get when you're three.

You're like,
"Oh, is that a stomach ache or--

Oh, no, I have to take a shadoobie."

At three, you don't know what that is.

When you're fucking 39,
you better know what that is.

I thought somebody was spear-fishing
and it landed inside my vagina.

I'm like, "Ow!" And then I'm like,
"Oh, shit, I'm crowning.

I have to get out of the water.
I'm actually...

I'm actually about to
disembowel right now.

Oopsie-whoopsie-doopsie."

And I was excited.

I hadn't gone to the bathroom
in Africa for 12 days.

They feed you
reindeer and antlers there,

and I was like, "Oh, my God!"

So when it hit me, I was like,
"Oh, this is gonna be amazing.

Maybe this is why
my tits are hitting me in the chin."

Fucking lose some weight.

And I'm in my bikini.
I'm like, "Oh, this is great."

And there's a beach club to my right
and sand dunes to my left.

I'm like, "Okay,"
and I've got a gimp leg and I'm running.

And you know that adult onset diarrhea?

Right when you know
you're about to shit your--

You just start sweating like a rapist.

I couldn't even--
It was like a fucking rainforest.

I was like, "Whoa." It's, like,
rivulets of sweat covering my eyes.

I couldn't see anything.
It went from zero to 60.

At first I was like, "Oh!"
And then I'm like, "Whoa, my God.

So, I don't care
if I fucking die right now."

It's like when you get
food poisoning, you're like... [groaning]

And so, I'm walking
and everything's getting hazy,

and it felt like somebody
had drugged me,

like a monkey bit me
on the ass with Ebola virus.

I was like, "Whoa, fuck!"

And I'm looking
and it's just a fucking implosion.

Like Hiroshima just
came out of my fucking asshole,

and my bikini bottom hits the floor.

Literally, shit is ricocheting
off the beach into my fucking face.

I'm hitting myself in the face with shit.
I'm like, "What the fuck is going on?"

And then I'm wiping my shit
off my face going,

"Oh, my God!
I'm touching my own shit! Gross!"

And then I'm wiping on the sand
and then I'm sweating and I'm wiping--

I'm like, "Oh, my God!

It's like an exfoliation of sand-shit.
Fucking piss-shit."

The worst.

I never shat my pants.

My bikini bottoms,
one's down here, one's up here.

It was like an outstretched diaper,
and I'm like, "Oh, my God!"

I never-- I just shit everywhere.

It was like an asteroid.

It was like the Horn of Africa
was coming out of me...

and for a minute, I was like,

"Oh, God, this is gonna be amazing!
I'm gonna lose so much weight."

And then...

and then I realized it wouldn't stop.
It just wouldn't stop,

and I didn't know what to do.
I'm like, "Oh, my God."

I'm looking around
to see if anyone could see me.

I'm like, "Please don't see...
Nobody see this."

And then I saw--
You get weak.

You're like,
"Oh, this is it! I'm gonna die!

I'm gonna die in my own shit."

And I saw the sand dunes and I dove.

I just dove straight face down
into the sand dunes 'cause I was like,

"I don't want them
to find me on the beach.

The little kids will come."

And I dove, and you're face down--

I was face down, my head to the side.
It's exploding.

I'm like, "Who's ever shat face down?"

It's never an option.

You're either up or you're not.
You don't go, "Oh, hey!

I'd like this to come out of my ass
and then dribble through my torso."

You don't want that to--

And I'm sitting there
and I'm thinking about my mom.

I'm like, "Please,
if you're watching still, don't.

I'll catch up with you later."

And I'm thinking, "Oh, my God,
can you imagine if they find me?

This is it! This is perfect.

'Chelsea Handler found
in her own pile of shit.'

Isn't this perfect?"

And you think you hit
that moment of confidence

where you're vomiting
or you have food poisoning

and you're like, "Oh, I feel..."
You get that chill.

You're like, "Oh, it might be gone.
It might be over."

No, it's never over.

And I got my wits about me.

I was like, "Okay, go back in the water.
Just go back in and rinse yourself off.

You know there's another round coming.
Just try and be an adult about this."

And I went in the water and I was just
scooping water into my vagina

and then splashing on my face

and realizing I'm doing the same thing
I was doing in the sand,

giving myself another
shit exfoliation treatment...

and when I was
telling my sister this story,

she goes, "Why didn't you
just shit in the ocean?"

What do you mean "shit in the ocean"?

Do you see fucking whales
hopping out of the ocean

to take a shit on our beach
and then going back in for a swim?

What do you-- "Shit in the ocean"?

All I need is one sick dolphin
with a feces-fetish

to see my shit, pin me down,
rape me on the bottom of the ocean floor,

and then who's with me?
Not fucking Netflix.

[laughter]

[applause]

So I get out. So this time,
I'm like, "I feel it again."

I'm like, "Okay, I'm ready. I got it.

I just wanna rinse off
and just start from scratch."

And so I get out and I'm into it.

I'm like, "I can make it
to the beach club this time."

And as I'm-- [laughing]
As I'm-- I'm holding--

I'm holding this

and I see this older man
come out of the beach club,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God!
Thank you, sir. Where--"

This man is looking at me in the eyes...

in a golf shirt...

Perfectly innocent man.

...and just sees shit exploding--

Now, I'm convinced my vagina
has become one with my asshole.

It's like a fucking canoe has formed.

It's going off like asteroids
are coming out in different directions...

and he is looking at me
and all I can think is,

"What can I say to make this
not be what this is?

I was in a mud bath
and I just swam in from a foreign land?"

He knew that I was shitting my pants,

and I knew that he knew that
he could see me shitting my pants,

and I looked at him and I said,
"Sir, you have to look away!

Please! Look away!
Come on! Look at me!

Just look away."

And he turned around. He goes...

-"Of course, Miss Handler."
-[laughter]

The feeling...

You forget... any element of that,
that maybe he may know me.

It's so terrible that
he's already seen me.

For him then to be able to identify me...

it was the worst...

And I looked at him, I said... [gasps]

And he had turned around
when he said "Miss Handler"

and I said, "Actually,
it's Miss McCarthy."

[applause]

And there was a kayak...

and I had no choice but to get in it.

It was coming and it was--

I didn't know when it was gonna stop.
I had no control over my bowels.

I was like an octogenarian at that point
and I just got in and I let it go.

I just said, "Fill it up.
Whatever you've got. Let it go."

My bikini bottom was gone.
It was fucking--

I don't know where it was.
In the sand dunes, in the...

I didn't care anymore.
I was like, "I'm gonna die today."

Then I said, "Can you please
push me out to sea?"

And he did...

and he pushed me out and I said,
"I'll bring the kayak back later."

He said, "Please don't."

And I was paddling

and I was oaring
back to my friend's house,

and I was thinking about my life,
what transpired in my life that would--

Why did this have to happen?
I'm not that bad.

I give away to charity and...

you know... I don't hit kids.

And I thought, "Why did
something like this happen to me?"

And then I thought, "This is why
I have a Ziploc container in my bag

that says 'fresh panties.'"

[applause]

Thank you, Chicago, for coming out
to see me do my special,

and thank you for being an amazing city
to me, for my career,

and thanks for giving me one.

Good night.

[loud cheering]

[rock music plays]