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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:03,467 --> 00:00:05,533 [bottle spraying] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:23,000 [cheers and applause] 5 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,734 [upbeat swing music] 6 00:01:03,066 --> 00:01:05,700 - [whistles] 7 00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:08,066 [cheering] 8 00:01:16,066 --> 00:01:19,066 [cheers and applause] 9 00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:27,133 - ANOTHER ROUND OF APPLAUSE 10 00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:32,500 FOR MARKY AND HIS FANCY FEET. 11 00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:33,600 AND NOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... 12 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:34,734 - [mouthing silently] 13 00:01:34,734 --> 00:01:36,266 - FOR YOUR PLEASURE AND AMUSEMENT, 14 00:01:36,266 --> 00:01:39,200 HERE'S EVERYONE'S FAVORITE FUNNYMAN... 15 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,100 TOM PAPA. 16 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:47,166 [cheers and applause] 17 00:01:55,767 --> 00:01:58,767 - HELLO, HELLO, HELLO. 18 00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,367 OH, THANK YOU FOR COMING. 19 00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:01,934 THIS IS SO NICE. LOOK AT YOU. 20 00:02:01,934 --> 00:02:03,433 OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, 21 00:02:03,433 --> 00:02:05,133 AWAY FROM YOUR SCREENS, 22 00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:07,633 WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS IN NEW YORK CITY. 23 00:02:07,633 --> 00:02:09,600 DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS? 24 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,300 [cheers and applause] 25 00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:13,066 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 26 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,767 THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 27 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:16,934 YOU EVER CREATE SO MANY USERNAMES 28 00:02:16,934 --> 00:02:20,233 AND PASSWORDS SO NO ONE WILL STEAL YOUR IDENTITY 29 00:02:20,233 --> 00:02:23,700 THAT YOU NO LONGER KNOW YOUR OWN IDENTITY? 30 00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:24,834 THEY'RE LIKE, "USERNAME?" 31 00:02:24,834 --> 00:02:28,333 TOM PAPA. "WRONG." 32 00:02:28,333 --> 00:02:30,800 MONKEY47? 33 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,900 "WELCOME." 34 00:02:33,900 --> 00:02:35,467 THEN SOMETIMES THEY EMAIL YOU BACK YOUR PASSWORD 35 00:02:35,467 --> 00:02:36,600 WHEN YOU FORGET IT. 36 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,066 YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? 37 00:02:38,066 --> 00:02:42,100 "'BUTTERFLY WHISPERS'? 38 00:02:42,100 --> 00:02:47,500 WAS I ON ECSTASY WHEN I JOINED AMAZON?" 39 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,400 FACEBOOK IS COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND NOW, RIGHT? 40 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:50,967 IT'S THE WHOLE PLANET NOW. IT'S TOO MUCH. 41 00:02:50,967 --> 00:02:53,367 IT'S TOO MANY PEOPLE. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. 42 00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:55,200 AND, YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH NICER 43 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,500 TO EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IF I KNEW EVENTUALLY 44 00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:02,934 THEY WERE ALL COMING BACK. 45 00:03:02,934 --> 00:03:04,600 "HEY, GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU, KENNY. 46 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,467 "SORRY I LEFT YOU IN THE WOODS THAT NIGHT. 47 00:03:08,467 --> 00:03:11,734 "GLAD YOU FOUND YOUR WAY OUT AND GREW UP AND STUFF. 48 00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:15,266 KIDS WILL BE KIDS. AHH." 49 00:03:15,266 --> 00:03:17,500 IT'S POWERFUL THOUGH, ISN'T IT? 50 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:18,533 IT'S CHANGING THE PLANET. 51 00:03:18,533 --> 00:03:19,734 THE WHOLE PLANET'S BEING CHANGED 52 00:03:19,734 --> 00:03:20,800 BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK. 53 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,266 NO ONE SAW ANY OF THIS, RIGHT? 54 00:03:22,266 --> 00:03:25,066 A JEWISH KID IN AMERICA CREATES FACEBOOK 55 00:03:25,066 --> 00:03:28,600 AND IT HELPS THE EGYPTIAN GOVERNMENT COLLAPSE. 56 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,567 NO ONE SAW THAT COMING. 57 00:03:30,567 --> 00:03:32,900 [laughter and applause] 58 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:35,133 YEAH. 59 00:03:35,133 --> 00:03:36,800 EVEN THE MUSLIM BROTHERHOOD WAS LIKE, 60 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:42,266 "WE'D LIKE TO THANK... THE JEWS? 61 00:03:42,266 --> 00:03:44,934 FEELS WEIRD." 62 00:03:44,934 --> 00:03:46,633 IMAGINE IF IT'D BEEN AROUND THROUGHOUT HISTORY, 63 00:03:46,633 --> 00:03:48,066 HOW MANY LIVES WOULD HAVE BEEN SAVED. 64 00:03:48,066 --> 00:03:49,100 "LOOK OUT LINCOLN." 65 00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:54,834 "LOL. 66 00:03:54,834 --> 00:04:00,867 I'M PLAYING 'ANGRY BIRDS.'" 67 00:04:00,867 --> 00:04:02,200 MY MOTHER'S ON IT NOW. 68 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,600 SHE'S ALL OLD AND CONFUSED. 69 00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:07,333 YEAH, SHE CALLS IT "MYFACE." 70 00:04:07,333 --> 00:04:10,433 "ARE YOU ON MYFACE? YOUR FATHER'S ON MYFACE." 71 00:04:10,433 --> 00:04:14,467 [laughter and applause] 72 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:22,533 "I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE CONFUSED OR PERVERTED, 73 00:04:22,533 --> 00:04:25,133 DON'T SAY THAT EVER AGAIN." 74 00:04:25,133 --> 00:04:28,800 "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? EVERYONE'S ON MYFACE. 75 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:33,133 UNCLE BOB, AUNT BETSY." 76 00:04:35,166 --> 00:04:36,233 IT'S NICE TO SEE A GOOD NEWS STORY 77 00:04:36,233 --> 00:04:37,633 ONCE IN A WHILE THOUGH, ISN'T IT? 78 00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:39,467 I'M SO TIRED OF PEOPLE LOSING IT AND FLIPPING OUT. 79 00:04:39,467 --> 00:04:40,767 IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME EXCUSE. 80 00:04:40,767 --> 00:04:41,734 "OH, HE DIDN'T FIT IN. 81 00:04:41,734 --> 00:04:43,467 "HE HAD A HARD TIME FITTING IN. 82 00:04:43,467 --> 00:04:44,934 HE NEVER REALLY FIT IN." 83 00:04:44,934 --> 00:04:46,367 YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE IS NO FITTING IN. 84 00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:47,800 I DON'T FIT IN. YOU DON'T FIT IN. 85 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,467 THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FITTING IN. 86 00:04:49,467 --> 00:04:51,533 LIFE IS A PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS 87 00:04:51,533 --> 00:04:54,633 AND YOU ARE A BIG FATASS. 88 00:04:54,633 --> 00:04:55,834 THAT'S IT. 89 00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:57,867 IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE BEING A HUMAN BEING. 90 00:04:57,867 --> 00:04:59,100 NO ONE LIKES YOU. 91 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,300 NO ONE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU 92 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,767 AFTER THE AGE OF TEN. 93 00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:03,333 THAT'S WHAT IT IS TO BE A HUMAN BEING. 94 00:05:03,333 --> 00:05:04,867 NO ONE LIKES YOU. YOU DON'T LIKE THEM. 95 00:05:04,867 --> 00:05:06,367 THAT'S HOW WE LIVE, RIGHT? 96 00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:07,734 YOU EVER WALK INTO A RESTAURANT 97 00:05:07,734 --> 00:05:08,900 AND EVERYONE'S ALREADY SAT? 98 00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:11,066 YOU FEEL EVERYONE'S HATE ON YOU IMMEDIATELY. 99 00:05:11,066 --> 00:05:13,367 "OH, JEEZ, WHY IS EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME? 100 00:05:13,367 --> 00:05:15,734 "I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE WORN THIS SHIRT. 101 00:05:15,734 --> 00:05:16,867 "AM I WALKING FUNNY? 102 00:05:16,867 --> 00:05:18,100 "I BETTER SIT DOWN AND BLEND IN. 103 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:21,133 THIS IS KIND OF WEIRD." 104 00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,266 DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 105 00:05:22,266 --> 00:05:23,600 YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE EVERYWHERE YOU GO. 106 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:24,834 SO AM I. THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES. 107 00:05:24,834 --> 00:05:26,767 THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT-- THAT'S WHY ALCOHOL 108 00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:29,467 IS SUCH A POPULAR PRODUCT. 109 00:05:29,467 --> 00:05:31,800 IT'S TRUE. 110 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:33,834 IT REALLY WORKS, RIGHT? 111 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:34,967 EVEN COMING OUT TONIGHT. 112 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,233 "WE'RE GONNA BE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE? 113 00:05:36,233 --> 00:05:37,300 "OH, OKAY. 114 00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:39,700 WE'RE GETTING A DRINK FIRST, RIGHT?" 115 00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:41,066 IT WORKS. 116 00:05:41,066 --> 00:05:42,166 REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID 117 00:05:42,166 --> 00:05:43,400 AND THEY TOLD YOU YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK? 118 00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,600 "WELL, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T DRINK. 119 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,100 "IT'S NOT GONNA SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. 120 00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:48,200 YOU'RE JUST GONNA FORGET ABOUT 'EM FOR A LITTLE WHILE." 121 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,266 ALL RIGHT. LINE 'EM UP. 122 00:05:51,266 --> 00:05:52,500 SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. 123 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:55,166 IT'S BETTER THAN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME. 124 00:05:55,166 --> 00:05:56,767 I DRINK SO MUCH MORE NOW. 125 00:05:56,767 --> 00:05:58,066 SO MUCH MORE. 126 00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,066 AND NOT LIKE THAT FUN, HAPPY-HOUR DRINKING EITHER. 127 00:06:00,066 --> 00:06:02,433 EVER SINCE I HAD KIDS, IT'S MORE LIKE 128 00:06:02,433 --> 00:06:08,066 STANDING ALONE AT THE KITCHEN SINK KIND OF DRINKING. 129 00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:09,700 DADDY'S A LOT MORE FUN WHEN HE GETS 130 00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,500 SOME OF HIS MAGIC JUICE INSIDE OF HIM. 131 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,266 EVERY PICTURE MY DAUGHTER DRAWS OF ME NOW 132 00:06:14,266 --> 00:06:16,066 HAS ME WITH A MARTINI GLASS. 133 00:06:16,066 --> 00:06:17,367 IT'S JUST A TRIANGLE, A STICK, 134 00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:20,333 AND MY THREE FINGERS. 135 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:21,533 YEAH, THREE FINGERS. 136 00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:24,600 SHE'S NOT THAT BRIGHT, BUT SHE'S A GOOD KID. 137 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:25,967 SHE MAKES A MEAN DRINK TOO. 138 00:06:25,967 --> 00:06:27,967 YOU'D LIKE HER. 139 00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:29,967 OH, IT'S GOOD. ALCOHOL'S GOOD. 140 00:06:29,967 --> 00:06:31,066 IT'S--RIGHT? 141 00:06:31,066 --> 00:06:32,567 THIS IS A COMMUNAL WAY TO BE HAPPY. 142 00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:34,633 YOU'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER. YOU'RE THINKING THE SAME WAY. 143 00:06:34,633 --> 00:06:35,734 IT'S A GOOD THING. 144 00:06:35,734 --> 00:06:36,800 THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE ANTIDEPRESSANTS. 145 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,500 SNEAKY WAY TO BE HAPPY, RIGHT? 146 00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:40,533 JUST BRUSHING YOUR TEETH ALONE IN THE MORNING, 147 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:43,367 POPPING A PILL, "YAY! 148 00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:45,800 I LOVE MONDAYS." 149 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,333 NO, YOU DON'T. YOU'RE A LIAR! 150 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:51,066 YOU'RE CHEATING THE SYSTEM. 151 00:06:51,066 --> 00:06:52,800 AND %1 OF THOSE PEOPLE REALLY NEED IT. 152 00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:53,834 THE REST? 153 00:06:53,834 --> 00:06:55,133 "I'M JUST NOT HAPPY ALL THE TIME. 154 00:06:55,133 --> 00:06:58,600 I WANT TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME AND I'M NOT." 155 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,867 WELL, YOU'RE A HUMAN BEING. THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES. 156 00:07:00,867 --> 00:07:02,934 WE DON'T GET TO BE HAPPY ALL THE TIME. 157 00:07:02,934 --> 00:07:04,800 IF WE DID, WE'D SIT ALONE IN OUR ROOMS. 158 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:07,100 WHEEEEE! 159 00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:09,066 NO. LOWER THE BAR. 160 00:07:09,066 --> 00:07:10,300 LOWER THE BAR. 161 00:07:10,300 --> 00:07:11,700 YOU'RE A GROWN-UP. 162 00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,066 YOU GET ONE DAY A YEAR. 163 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,700 HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 164 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:17,400 [laughter and applause] 165 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,934 THAT'S IT. 166 00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:21,066 DON'T TAKE PILLS. 167 00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:23,934 DRINK. JOIN THE TEAM. 168 00:07:23,934 --> 00:07:26,066 REALLY, YOU ORDER A MARTINI AT THE END OF THE DAY, 169 00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:27,633 YOU'RE TELLING EVERYONE IN THAT ROOM, 170 00:07:27,633 --> 00:07:29,066 "YOU KNOW WHAT, I WOKE UP THIS MORNING, 171 00:07:29,066 --> 00:07:30,467 "LOOKED MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND SAID, 172 00:07:30,467 --> 00:07:32,133 'TODAY IS GONNA BE THE DAY,' 173 00:07:32,133 --> 00:07:35,800 "AND ONCE AGAIN IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. 174 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,767 "SO I'M GONNA DRINK THREE OF THESE, 175 00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:40,633 "SAY SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE TO THAT WAITRESS OVER THERE, 176 00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:43,934 PASS OUT, AND TRY AGAIN TOMORROW." 177 00:07:43,934 --> 00:07:45,700 NOT GONNA FIT IN. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 178 00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:47,100 BE UNCOMFORTABLE. IT'S O-- 179 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:48,734 JUST DEAL WITH IT, RIGHT? 180 00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:50,934 IF YOU'RE LUCKY-- IF YOU'RE LUCKY, 181 00:07:50,934 --> 00:07:52,066 YOU'LL FIND ONE PERSON 182 00:07:52,066 --> 00:07:53,367 OUT OF ALL THE BILLIONS ON THE PLANET-- 183 00:07:53,367 --> 00:07:55,300 THE BILLIONS-- YOU'LL FIND ONE 184 00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,433 WHO WILL LIVE WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. 185 00:07:57,433 --> 00:07:58,800 ONE! 186 00:07:58,800 --> 00:07:59,834 AND I GOT NEWS FOR YOU. 187 00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:04,133 THEY DON'T LIKE YOU THAT MUCH EITHER. 188 00:08:04,133 --> 00:08:05,367 BUT IT'S BETTER THAN BEING ALONE. 189 00:08:05,367 --> 00:08:06,400 I SAY GET MARRIED. 190 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,066 JUST FIND SOMEONE, HOOK UP, AND DO IT. 191 00:08:08,066 --> 00:08:09,200 JUST DO IT. 192 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,300 IF YOU'RE DATING RIGHT NOW, 193 00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:11,600 IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE. 194 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,500 YOU'RE WORKING YOUR ASS OFF FOR WHAT? 195 00:08:13,500 --> 00:08:15,066 FOR WHAT? RIGHT? 196 00:08:15,066 --> 00:08:16,767 IF YOU'RE ON A DATE RIGHT NOW, YOU COME OUT-- 197 00:08:16,767 --> 00:08:18,100 "IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 198 00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:20,200 "ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE SEATS? ARE YOU OKAY? 199 00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:24,633 DID WE PARK TOO FAR? IS EVERYTHING--AH!" 200 00:08:24,633 --> 00:08:26,567 IF YOU'RE MARRIED, THEY CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. 201 00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:27,767 IF THEY COMPLAIN, YOU JUST TURN TO THEM, 202 00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:31,667 "YOU WANTED TO GO OUT, WE'RE OUT." 203 00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:36,600 [laughter and applause] 204 00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,333 TOO MUCH WORK, RIGHT? 205 00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:39,700 YOU SEE DATING COUPLES IN A RESTAURANT. 206 00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,500 THEY'RE JUST YAPPING AWAY AS SOON AS THEY SIT DOWN. 207 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,300 "YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!" 208 00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:44,400 THE WAITER COMES OVER. 209 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:45,834 "I'M SORRY. WE DIDN'T EVEN OPEN IT UP. 210 00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:48,066 WE DIDN'T EVEN-- WE'VE BEEN TALKING SO MUCH." 211 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,800 MARRIED COUPLES? 212 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,100 MENUS RIGHT UP IN EACH OTHER'S FACE. 213 00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:59,233 I CAN TALK TO YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. 214 00:08:59,233 --> 00:09:01,633 I'M HERE TO EAT... 215 00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:07,066 SOMETHING YOU DID NOT COOK. 216 00:09:07,066 --> 00:09:08,967 IT'S GREAT. 217 00:09:08,967 --> 00:09:10,200 AND THERE'S NO GETTING OFFENDED. 218 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,433 YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. 219 00:09:11,433 --> 00:09:13,100 YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CAREFUL AROUND EACH OTHER. 220 00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:14,600 IF YOU'RE A GIRL RIGHT NOW, YOU GO HOME WITH A GUY, 221 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,100 YOU'RE CHILLY, YOU GOT TO BE SO CAREFUL. 222 00:09:16,100 --> 00:09:19,233 "I'M A LITTLE--DOES IT FEEL A LITTLE CHILLY IN HERE? 223 00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:21,066 "DO YOU MIND IF WE CLOSE THE WINDOW JUST-- 224 00:09:21,066 --> 00:09:22,800 "I KNOW YOU'RE NORMALLY HOTTER THAN I AM, 225 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,233 BUT DO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE WE COULD--" 226 00:09:24,233 --> 00:09:25,934 [gibberish] 227 00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:27,533 AND MY WIFE JUST GOES-- SHE JUST YELLS AT ME, 228 00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:29,533 "SHUT THE DAMN WINDOW!" 229 00:09:29,533 --> 00:09:31,667 AND I YELL BACK AT HER, "I'M DOING IT!" 230 00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:32,867 AND WE'RE NOT FIGHTING. 231 00:09:32,867 --> 00:09:36,934 WE'RE JUST COMMUNICATING IN A TIMELY FASHION. 232 00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:38,800 [applause] 233 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,734 THERE'S NO TIME TO GET OFFENDED. 234 00:09:40,734 --> 00:09:43,734 "WHERE ARE THE KIDS?" "I DON'T KNOW!" 235 00:09:43,734 --> 00:09:44,834 "ARE WE HAVING SEX TONIGHT?" 236 00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,333 "IF I'M STILL AWAKE! 237 00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:48,400 I LOVE YOU." 238 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:52,233 "I LOVE YOU TOO." 239 00:09:52,233 --> 00:09:53,633 PLEASE, YOU DON'T GET OFFENDED. 240 00:09:53,633 --> 00:09:54,734 ONE TIME IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT, 241 00:09:54,734 --> 00:09:57,467 MY WIFE CALLED ME A BLOATED JELLYFISH. 242 00:09:57,467 --> 00:10:01,367 ALL I SAID WAS, "GOOD ONE. GOOD ONE." 243 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:07,100 BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE THE REST OF MY LIFE TO GET HER BACK. 244 00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,700 THESE FIGHTS NEVER END. 245 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,767 EVER. EVER! 246 00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:11,967 WE GOT IN A FIGHT THREE YEARS AGO 247 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:13,967 ABOUT THE RIGHT WAY TO LOAD A DISHWASHER. 248 00:10:13,967 --> 00:10:15,633 THREE YEARS AGO! 249 00:10:15,633 --> 00:10:16,667 I REMEMBER HAVING THE FIGHT. 250 00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:18,633 I REMEMBER THINKING I WON THAT FIGHT. 251 00:10:18,633 --> 00:10:20,567 TWO WEEKS AGO, WE'RE OUT WITH ANOTHER COUPLE. 252 00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:21,967 SOMEONE MENTIONED "DISH." 253 00:10:21,967 --> 00:10:25,667 MY WIFE ATTACKED OUT OF NOWHERE. 254 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,066 I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER. 255 00:10:27,066 --> 00:10:30,233 SHE WAS JUST WAITING ME OUT LIKE A CROCODILE IN THE WATER 256 00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:33,200 FOR THREE YEARS... 257 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,333 UNTIL I WALKED BY. 258 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:38,700 "DISH." [growls] 259 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:40,567 NEVER ENDS. EVER. 260 00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:43,066 MY PARENTS, MARRIED 44 YEARS. 261 00:10:43,066 --> 00:10:46,667 THEY FIGHT, CALL ME, AND TELL ON EACH OTHER. 262 00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,667 THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO FIGHT TO EACH OTHER ANYMORE. 263 00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:52,033 THE VOICEMAIL MESSAGES I GET ARE INSANE. 264 00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:53,300 "TOM, IT'S YOUR MOTHER. 265 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:54,800 "YOUR FATHER CUT HIS OWN HAIR AGAIN. 266 00:10:54,800 --> 00:11:00,300 CALL ME." 267 00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:01,800 THE BEST ONE MY FATHER EVER LEFT WAS, 268 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:02,834 "TOM, IT'S YOUR FATHER. 269 00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:04,266 "YOUR MOTHER WANTS ME TO JAZZERCISE. 270 00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,567 "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 271 00:11:06,567 --> 00:11:08,233 "DOESN'T SOUND GOOD. I GOT TO GO. 272 00:11:08,233 --> 00:11:13,500 HERE SHE COMES." 273 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:14,867 YOU'RE JUST ILL-PREPARED. 274 00:11:14,867 --> 00:11:15,900 YOU'RE ILL-PREPARED. 275 00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:17,300 WE DON'T SEE THESE THINGS COMING. 276 00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:19,066 YOU HOOK UP BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER 277 00:11:19,066 --> 00:11:20,533 AND THEN YOU END UP IN THIS LIFE 278 00:11:20,533 --> 00:11:22,700 AND YOU HAD NO IDEA IT WAS COMING. 279 00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,900 YOU KNOW? THIS IS MY LIFE. 280 00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:26,100 I LIVE IN A HOUSE. 281 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,233 I HAVE A WIFE, 282 00:11:27,233 --> 00:11:28,333 I HAVE TWO LITTLE GIRLS, 283 00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:31,333 AND TWO GIRL CATS, AND ME. 284 00:11:31,333 --> 00:11:34,433 YEAH, THAT'S WHY I DRINK, RIGHT THERE. 285 00:11:34,433 --> 00:11:36,633 JUST ME IN A HOUSE FULL OF GIRLS. 286 00:11:36,633 --> 00:11:40,834 JUST LIKE I DREAMED OF WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY. 287 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,934 I USED TO SIT ALONE AT NIGHT AND THINK TO MYSELF, 288 00:11:42,934 --> 00:11:44,900 "I CAN'T WAIT TILL I GET RID OF ALL MY FRIENDS 289 00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:48,100 "AND JUST MOVE INTO A HOUSE FILLED WITH GIRLS. 290 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:52,333 "JUST A MAGICAL PLACE WHERE EVEN THE ANIMALS ARE GIRLS. 291 00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:54,633 "JUST A HOME FILLED WITH EMOTION 292 00:11:54,633 --> 00:11:57,767 AND A HATRED OF EVERYTHING I ENJOY." 293 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:02,667 AND YOU WOULD THINK FROM THAT DESCRIPTION 294 00:12:02,667 --> 00:12:04,066 THAT I HAVE A WIFE AND TWO DAUGHTERS, 295 00:12:04,066 --> 00:12:05,300 AND YOU'RE WRONG. 296 00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:06,433 I NOW HAVE THREE WIVES. 297 00:12:06,433 --> 00:12:08,967 I HAVE THREE WOMEN WHO BUST MY BALLS 298 00:12:08,967 --> 00:12:10,400 24 HOURS A DAY. 299 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,934 IF THEY HEAR MY CAR KEYS, 300 00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:14,533 THEY POP UP LIKE MEERKATS ALL AROUND THE HOUSE. 301 00:12:14,533 --> 00:12:15,633 FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND THE SOFA. 302 00:12:15,633 --> 00:12:16,934 "WHERE'S HE GOING?" "I DON'T KNOW. 303 00:12:16,934 --> 00:12:19,934 "WHERE IS HE GOING? 304 00:12:19,934 --> 00:12:21,066 HE DIDN'T TELL ME HE WAS GOING OUT." 305 00:12:21,066 --> 00:12:22,467 "HE DIDN'T TELL ME EITHER." 306 00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:23,633 THEY FOLLOW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. 307 00:12:23,633 --> 00:12:26,767 "WHEN YOU COMING BACK? WHO YOU GOING WITH?" 308 00:12:29,333 --> 00:12:30,700 WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? 309 00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:32,433 I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE LIKE ONE OF THOSE MAFIA HUSBANDS, 310 00:12:32,433 --> 00:12:33,734 YOU KNOW, LIKE YOU SEE IN THE MOVIES. 311 00:12:33,734 --> 00:12:35,066 RIGHT? THE WIFE COMES UP, 312 00:12:35,066 --> 00:12:36,333 "WHERE YOU GOING TONIGHT, HONEY?" 313 00:12:36,333 --> 00:12:40,867 "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT ASKING ABOUT MY BUSINESS? 314 00:12:40,867 --> 00:12:42,667 THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS." 315 00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:43,867 RIGHT? 316 00:12:43,867 --> 00:12:44,934 AND HE GOES OUT FOR, LIKE, A WEEK AND A HALF, 317 00:12:44,934 --> 00:12:47,166 NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 318 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,400 THAT'S HOW I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA GO. 319 00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:50,667 NO, INSTEAD I GOT MY LITTLE CELL PHONE, 320 00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:53,500 MY LITTLE HUSBAND GPS TRACKING DEVICE. 321 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:55,867 GOT TO GIVE HER UPDATES OF WHERE I AM 24 HOURS A DAY. 322 00:12:55,867 --> 00:12:57,567 "I'M IN THE SUPER MARKET. IT'S GOING GREAT. 323 00:12:57,567 --> 00:12:59,100 "UH-OH, THERE'S A WOMAN WALKING THIS WAY. 324 00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:00,967 "WHAT DO I DO? THIS IS STUPID. 325 00:13:00,967 --> 00:13:02,066 "I'M JUST GONNA COME HOME. 326 00:13:02,066 --> 00:13:04,467 "I SHOULDN'T BE OUT BY MYSELF. 327 00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,734 I'M GONNA GET IN TROUBLE OUT HERE." 328 00:13:07,734 --> 00:13:09,367 NO, DON'T SEE IT COMING. 329 00:13:09,367 --> 00:13:11,100 AND GUYS DON'T SEE IT COMING MORE THAN WOMEN, 330 00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:13,934 'CAUSE WE HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT MARRIAGE OUR WHOLE LIVES. 331 00:13:13,934 --> 00:13:15,233 WE DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, RIGHT? 332 00:13:15,233 --> 00:13:17,066 MY DAUGHTERS ARE ALREADY-- IT'S IN THEIR BRAINS. 333 00:13:17,066 --> 00:13:19,233 THEY THINK ABOUT MARRIAGE. GIRLS THINK ABOUT IT. 334 00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,333 WHETHER YOU WANT TO DO IT OR NOT, 335 00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,633 IT'S IN YOUR BRAIN. 336 00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:23,867 GUYS? NEVER. NEVER. 337 00:13:23,867 --> 00:13:25,200 WOULD YOU EVER HANG OUT WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE 338 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:26,700 WITH ALL YOUR LITTLE GUY FRIENDS? 339 00:13:26,700 --> 00:13:29,867 "LET'S PLAY MARRY. 340 00:13:29,867 --> 00:13:32,066 "LET'S PRETEND I JUST CAME HOME FROM THE STORE 341 00:13:32,066 --> 00:13:36,066 AND BROUGHT ALL THE WRONG STUFF AND YOU YELL AT ME." 342 00:13:39,066 --> 00:13:42,333 NO, WE DON'T CARE. WE DON'T CARE. 343 00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:43,900 EVEN WHEN WE'RE GETTING MARRIED, WE DON'T CARE. 344 00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:45,600 THAT'S WHY THERE'S "BRIDE" MAGAZINE. 345 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,266 THERE'S NO "GROOM" MAGAZINE. 346 00:13:48,266 --> 00:13:51,066 WHAT ARTICLE COULD BE IN "GROOM" MAGAZINE? 347 00:13:51,066 --> 00:13:54,533 WHY YOU SHOULDN'T STARE AT THE BRIDESMAID'S ASS? 348 00:13:54,533 --> 00:13:56,667 WHAT? 349 00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,633 EVEN WHEN IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF OUR LIVES, 350 00:13:58,633 --> 00:14:00,133 WE DON'T EVEN WEAR OUR OWN CLOTHES. 351 00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:03,066 WE RENT OTHER MEN'S CLOTHES. 352 00:14:03,066 --> 00:14:05,066 "HERE'S A PAIR OF PANTS THAT SOMEONE ELSE THREW UP ON. 353 00:14:05,066 --> 00:14:06,100 IS THAT GONNA BOTHER YOU?" 354 00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:10,367 "NO, IT'S COOL. I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY." 355 00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:11,834 AT A TOTAL DISADVANTAGE. 356 00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:13,166 BUT WOMEN, YOU MAKE THE MISTAKE 357 00:14:13,166 --> 00:14:14,834 OF THINKING THAT MEN ARE GONNA MAKE YOU HAPPY. 358 00:14:14,834 --> 00:14:17,800 AND THAT, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, IS A DUMB THING TO DO. 359 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:20,233 DON'T PIN YOUR HAPPINESS ON MEN, PLEASE. 360 00:14:20,233 --> 00:14:22,834 OUR LEVELS OF HAPPINESS DON'T MATCH UP. 361 00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:25,266 HE CAN'T DO IT. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 362 00:14:25,266 --> 00:14:28,233 AND YOU THINK EACH STEP YOU GO IS GONNA BRING YOU CLOSER. 363 00:14:28,233 --> 00:14:30,367 "WELL, MAYBE IF HE JUST GOES OUT WITH ME AND NOBODY ELSE, 364 00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:32,066 THEN I'LL BE HAPPY." 365 00:14:32,066 --> 00:14:33,600 NO. 366 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,567 "WELL, MAYBE IF WE GET ENGAGED AND I HAVE A BIG RING 367 00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,100 "AND I CAN TELL EVERYBODY WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED, 368 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,433 THEN I'LL BE HAPPY." 369 00:14:38,433 --> 00:14:39,633 NO. 370 00:14:39,633 --> 00:14:41,100 "WELL, MAYBE IF I GET MARRIED 371 00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,400 "AND DRESS UP LIKE A SNOW PRINCESS 372 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:44,166 "AND HAVE A BIG MOUNTAIN OF SHRIMP 373 00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:47,533 AND A CHOCOLATE WATERFALL, THEN I [gibberish]." 374 00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:48,467 NO. 375 00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:50,533 YOU PUT A MAN IN A CONCRETE ROOM 376 00:14:50,533 --> 00:14:53,300 WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO, NO FURNITURE, NOTHING. 377 00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,066 HE IS HAPPY. 378 00:14:56,066 --> 00:14:57,233 AND THEN SHE WALKS IN. 379 00:14:57,233 --> 00:15:00,433 "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE BY YOURSELF? 380 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,633 YOU LOOK ALL SAD." 381 00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:04,767 "NO, I'M HAPPY." 382 00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:07,400 "BUT YOU GOT NO ONE TO TALK TO. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU SAD?" 383 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:10,900 "WELL, NOW I'M TALKING TO YOU AND NOW I'M MISERABLE." 384 00:15:14,166 --> 00:15:15,900 NO, THE WHOLE THING IS UP TO THE WOMEN. 385 00:15:15,900 --> 00:15:17,100 AND THANK GOD. 386 00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:18,667 IF IT WASN'T UP TO YOU, WE WOULDN'T-- 387 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,133 WE'D JUST ALL BE ROLLING AROUND IN THE MUD 388 00:15:20,133 --> 00:15:22,633 AND THROWING UP ON EACH OTHER AND PEEING ON THINGS. 389 00:15:22,633 --> 00:15:24,233 IT JUST--IT WOULDN'T WORK. 390 00:15:24,233 --> 00:15:26,100 THE WHOLE THING IS UP TO YOU. IT IS. 391 00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:28,066 THE FIRST TIME I SAW MY WIFE, I WASN'T THINKING, 392 00:15:28,066 --> 00:15:29,567 "OH, SHE HAS GOOD BIRTHING HIPS. 393 00:15:29,567 --> 00:15:32,800 LET ME MOUNT THAT." 394 00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,100 NO. 395 00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:37,166 I WAS JUST THINKING, "NEW SEX! YAY!" 396 00:15:37,166 --> 00:15:38,600 IT'S A POWERFUL MOMENT, ISN'T IT? 397 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,333 YOU SEE HER. SHE SEES YOU. 398 00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:41,734 THERE'S THAT ATTRACTION. 399 00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:43,100 YOU CONVINCE HER THAT YOU'RE NOT A RAPIST. 400 00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:45,834 THAT'S A SPECIAL NIGHT. RIGHT? 401 00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:47,800 SHE BRINGS YOU BACK TO HER ROOM FOR THE FIRST TIME. 402 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,166 A GIRL'S ROOM. 403 00:15:49,166 --> 00:15:50,700 IS THERE ANYTHING MORE HEAVENLY ON EARTH? 404 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,834 IT'S LIKE A GENIE BOTTLE IN THERE, RIGHT? 405 00:15:52,834 --> 00:15:54,166 PILLOWS EVERYWHERE. 406 00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:55,400 YOU RUB IN THE RIGHT SPOT, 407 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,500 ALL YOUR WISHES COME TRUE. 408 00:15:57,500 --> 00:15:59,467 AND YOU ALL WORK THE ROOMS TOTALLY DIFFERENT. 409 00:15:59,467 --> 00:16:01,467 LITTLE TOUCHES, LITTLE TAPESTRIES ON THE DRESSER, 410 00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:03,367 LITTLE BEADS ON THE BED POST, 411 00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:08,333 WEIRD BOTTLES UP ON THE SHELVES FILLED WITH NOTHING. 412 00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:10,567 IT'S LIKE A MAGIC CASTLE. 413 00:16:10,567 --> 00:16:12,667 BUT THEN YOU GET MARRIED AND THEN YOU REALIZE 414 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,967 IT'S YOUR ROOM TOO. 415 00:16:15,967 --> 00:16:18,400 THAT'S NOT COOL. THERE'S NO MYSTERY LEFT. 416 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,066 THEN YOU REALIZE SHE HAS ALL THOSE EMPTY BOTTLES UP THERE 417 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,967 'CAUSE SHE'S LAZY. 418 00:16:21,967 --> 00:16:25,300 SHE JUST BUYS STUFF AND DOESN'T THROW IT OUT. 419 00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:26,633 THEN YOU DON'T HAVE NEW SEX ANYMORE. 420 00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:27,700 YOU HAVE OLD SEX. 421 00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:29,367 STILL GOOD, BUT NOT THAT OFTEN. 422 00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:30,734 GOT TO HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME NOW. 423 00:16:30,734 --> 00:16:32,400 YOU GOT TO FILL IN A LOT OF YAPPING. 424 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,500 A LOT OF YAP-YAP-YAP-YAPPING. 425 00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:35,667 THEN YOU REACH THAT POINT WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, 426 00:16:35,667 --> 00:16:37,300 "I LOVE YOU. I REALLY DO. 427 00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:39,100 "BUT IF YOU TELL ME THAT STORY ABOUT YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL 428 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:43,834 ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA BURY YOU IN THE YARD." 429 00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:45,266 AND THIS IS WHERE THE WHOLE SYSTEM KICKS IN. 430 00:16:45,266 --> 00:16:46,533 THIS IS WHY YOU END UP WITH KIDS. 431 00:16:46,533 --> 00:16:48,433 YOU NEED NEW MATERIAL. 432 00:16:48,433 --> 00:16:50,667 YOU NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO TALK TO 433 00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:54,734 AND THEN YOU CREATE THE WORST ROOMMATES ON THE PLANET. 434 00:16:54,734 --> 00:16:57,300 HORRIBLE PEOPLE TO LIVE WITH. HORRIBLE. 435 00:16:57,300 --> 00:16:59,400 IF YOU DON'T HAVE KIDS, IMAGINE HAVING A ROOMMATE 436 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,066 THAT COMES INTO YOUR ROOM, TAKES SOMETHING YOU LOVE, 437 00:17:02,066 --> 00:17:03,734 SMASHES IT IN FRONT OF YOU, 438 00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:06,633 AND THEN WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM... 439 00:17:06,633 --> 00:17:08,066 THEN COMES BACK, PEES ON IT, 440 00:17:08,066 --> 00:17:12,066 AND LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE. 441 00:17:12,066 --> 00:17:13,834 THEY'RE ANIMALS. 442 00:17:13,834 --> 00:17:15,400 YOU EVER OPEN UP A PACK OF M&Ms 443 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,600 AROUND LITTLE KIDS? 444 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,467 THEY COME AT YOU LIKE GOATS IN A PETTING ZOO. 445 00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:20,066 NO HANDS, JUST HEADS. 446 00:17:20,066 --> 00:17:22,066 [imitating sheep] 447 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:28,967 AND THAT'S WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK TOGETHER. 448 00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:30,066 YOU'RE LIKE, "I HATE THEM." 449 00:17:30,066 --> 00:17:32,967 "I HATE THEM TOO." 450 00:17:32,967 --> 00:17:35,834 "I LOVE YOU." "I LOVE YOU TOO." 451 00:17:38,533 --> 00:17:41,800 THE WORST PART IS THAT THEY DON'T REALLY LIKE YOU THAT MUCH. 452 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,367 KIDS DON'T. 453 00:17:43,367 --> 00:17:46,500 I LIKE MY KIDS. I LIKE 'EM A LOT. 454 00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,900 THEY DON'T LIKE ME. THEY DON'T. 455 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,467 IF YOU LIKE SOMEONE, WOULD YOU WALK UP TO 'EM 456 00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:51,767 WHEN THEY'RE READING THE PAPER AND JUST TEAR IT 457 00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:56,066 OUT OF THEIR HANDS? 458 00:17:56,066 --> 00:17:58,934 NO, YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT. 459 00:17:58,934 --> 00:18:02,467 WOULD YOU COCK-BLOCK THEM EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK? 460 00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:09,066 NOT TO SOMEONE YOU LIKED. 461 00:18:09,066 --> 00:18:11,100 THEY JUST LOOK AT ME AS A SOURCE FOR FOOD. 462 00:18:11,100 --> 00:18:12,367 AND THEY'LL LIE RIGHT TO MY FACE. 463 00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:13,967 RIGHT TO MY FACE. THEY WILL. 464 00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:15,567 THEY DON'T CARE. 465 00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:16,633 THIS IS THE THING. 466 00:18:16,633 --> 00:18:18,500 YOU LOVE KIDS IN AN UNCONTROLLABLE WAY. 467 00:18:18,500 --> 00:18:19,834 LIKE, IF YOU LOVE ANOTHER PERSON, 468 00:18:19,834 --> 00:18:21,433 YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH YOUR GUY OR YOUR GIRL, 469 00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,900 YOU CAN CONTROL IT, YOU CAN PUT THE BRAKES ON IT. 470 00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,266 "I'M NOT GONNA LOVE HER THIS MUCH. 471 00:18:24,266 --> 00:18:25,834 I DON'T WANT TO EXPOSE MYSELF AND KEEP IT BACK." 472 00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:27,100 KIDS, THERE'S A CASCADING LOVE. 473 00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:28,367 IT'S HELPLESS. 474 00:18:28,367 --> 00:18:30,233 YOU WILL KILL FOR THEM AND YOU'RE IN FREE FALL. 475 00:18:30,233 --> 00:18:34,567 AND THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE, "EH, I COULD DO BETTER. 476 00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:38,667 IF I GET SOME OF THOSE KEYS THAT HE'S GOT, I'M OUT OF HERE." 477 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:39,934 MY LITTLE ONE CAME UP TO ME LAST WEEK. 478 00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:41,233 "I WANT SOME TEDDY GRAHAMS. 479 00:18:41,233 --> 00:18:42,800 GIVE ME SOME TEDDY GRAHAMS." 480 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,533 "NO, YOU JUST HAD TEDDY GRAHAMS." 481 00:18:47,533 --> 00:18:49,433 "NO, I DIDN'T." 482 00:18:49,433 --> 00:18:52,100 "YES, YOU DID. I GAVE THEM TO YOU." 483 00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:53,500 "NOW, WHY YOU GOT TO GO MAKE ME UPSET? 484 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,300 JUST GET ME SOME TEDDY GRAHAMS!" 485 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:56,834 "WHAT ARE YOU, A LITTLE WHITE PIMP? 486 00:18:56,834 --> 00:18:58,867 WHO'S IN MY KITCHEN?" 487 00:18:58,867 --> 00:19:00,734 "JUST GIVE ME SOME MOTHER-LOVING TEDDY GRAHAMS. 488 00:19:00,734 --> 00:19:04,600 "WHY YOU JIBBER-JABBER? [gibberish] 489 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,867 "IF MY ARMS WERE LONGER, I WOULD GET 490 00:19:05,867 --> 00:19:07,133 "THE TEDDY GRAHAMS MYSELF. 491 00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,266 WHY YOU GOT TO BE--" 492 00:19:08,266 --> 00:19:11,333 "WHO ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?" 493 00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:16,367 BUT I FOUND SOMETHING OUT. 494 00:19:16,367 --> 00:19:17,767 IF YOU EVER END UP WITH KIDS 495 00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,533 AND YOU WANT A LITTLE ADVANTAGE OVER THEM, 496 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:20,700 RAISE THEM HERE IN NEW YORK, 497 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:22,533 BECAUSE THE WEATHER IS SO BAD, 498 00:19:22,533 --> 00:19:23,834 IT CREATES GLOOMY CHILDREN. 499 00:19:23,834 --> 00:19:24,967 IT'S PERFECT. 500 00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:27,567 WE WERE IN L.A. AND JUST THE SUNSHINE-- 501 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:32,500 THE KIDS WERE SO FILLED WITH JOY AND HOPE AND ENERGY. 502 00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:34,433 AND EVERY DAY, "CAN WE GO TO THE PARK? 503 00:19:34,433 --> 00:19:36,467 "CAN WE THROW A BALL? CAN WE GO IN THE POOL? 504 00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:37,834 CAN WE? CAN WE? CAN WE?" 505 00:19:37,834 --> 00:19:39,967 ANNOYING. 506 00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:41,633 HERE, THEY JUST SIT IN THE APARTMENT 507 00:19:41,633 --> 00:19:45,066 AND STARE OUT AT THE RAIN FOR HOURS. 508 00:19:45,066 --> 00:19:46,934 AND THEY JUST WATCH THE WATER FALLING 509 00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:48,834 AND THEY GET ALL SAD AND PENSIVE 510 00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:50,667 AND CONTEMPLATE WHAT WENT WRONG 511 00:19:50,667 --> 00:19:52,800 IN THEIR FIRST SEVEN YEARS ON THE PLANET 512 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,834 AND THEY REALIZE I CAN'T HELP 513 00:19:54,834 --> 00:19:57,600 AND I'M JUST READING A BOOK AND I'M HAPPY. 514 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:58,900 SO MUCH BETTER. IT IS. 515 00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,233 IT'S SO MUCH BETTER. LISTEN. 516 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,633 I DON'T CARE IF KIDS PLAY. THAT'S COOL. 517 00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:03,000 I'M FINE WITH THAT. 518 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,300 BUT NOW THIS CULTURE-- 519 00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,834 PARENTS ARE SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH THE KIDS NON-STOP. 520 00:20:06,834 --> 00:20:08,600 I DON'T UNDERSTAND-- THAT NEVER HAPPENED. 521 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,000 THERE WAS KIDS AND GROWN-UPS. 522 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,533 DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT BEING A THING? 523 00:20:11,533 --> 00:20:12,934 LIKE, WHEN WE WEREN'T ALL THE SAME. 524 00:20:12,934 --> 00:20:14,500 DON'T YOU REMEMBER? RIGHT? 525 00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:18,033 MY FATHER WASN'T SOME HIRED PARTY CLOWN WHEN I WAS A KID. 526 00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,867 HE WAS THE FATHER. HE WAS THE DAD. 527 00:20:19,867 --> 00:20:21,166 THAT WAS A DIFFERENT DEAL. 528 00:20:21,166 --> 00:20:23,500 HE WAS THE KING OF HIS CASTLE. 529 00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:24,900 HE WAS, AND THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT I'D BE. 530 00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:26,133 I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE KIDS? 531 00:20:26,133 --> 00:20:27,400 "I'M GONNA BE THE KING OF THE CASTLE. 532 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:33,333 I'M GONNA MAKE PEOPLE AND RULE THEM." 533 00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:34,533 THAT DOESN'T EXIST. 534 00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:35,800 THAT'S AN OLD VERSION OF DAD. 535 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,400 THERE'S A NEW KIND OF DAD NOW. 536 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,567 NOW YOU'RE PART MOM, PART DAD. 537 00:20:39,567 --> 00:20:41,667 YOU'RE LIKE THIS USELESS HERMAPHRODITE 538 00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,266 JUST HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE. 539 00:20:43,266 --> 00:20:44,934 THERE'S NO RESPECT FOR FATHERS. 540 00:20:44,934 --> 00:20:46,133 EVEN THE CARTOONS THE KIDS WATCH. 541 00:20:46,133 --> 00:20:47,633 "HERE COMES DAD!" 542 00:20:47,633 --> 00:20:49,133 [vocalizing tune] 543 00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,400 "WHAT A DOUCHEBAG!" 544 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,667 [vocalizing tune] 545 00:20:55,166 --> 00:20:57,300 DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FATHER COMING HOME FROM WORK? 546 00:20:57,300 --> 00:20:58,934 IT WAS LIKE THE BAD GUY COMING BACK TO THE TOWN 547 00:20:58,934 --> 00:21:01,233 IN THE WILD WEST. 548 00:21:01,233 --> 00:21:02,734 MY MOTHER WOULD GATHER US IN THE KITCHEN. 549 00:21:02,734 --> 00:21:06,567 "YOUR FATHER'S COMING! 550 00:21:06,567 --> 00:21:08,800 "DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE. 551 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,066 "HE'S GONNA TAKE YOUR HEAD RIGHT OFF. 552 00:21:11,066 --> 00:21:12,266 "HE LOVES YOU. 553 00:21:12,266 --> 00:21:14,934 HE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO SEE OR HEAR FROM YOU." 554 00:21:14,934 --> 00:21:16,100 I GET HOME, 555 00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:17,433 IT'S LIKE THE CAMP COUNSELOR JUST GOT THERE. 556 00:21:17,433 --> 00:21:19,100 "HERE'S THE KIDS. I'M GOING FOR A MASSAGE. 557 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,433 SEE YOU LATER, JACKASS." 558 00:21:21,433 --> 00:21:23,166 [voice breaking] "OKAY." 559 00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:25,166 MY FATHER WOULD LAY OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAY ROOM. 560 00:21:25,166 --> 00:21:26,967 JUST SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PLAY ROOM. 561 00:21:26,967 --> 00:21:28,567 JUST ON THE FLOOR-- JUST LAY THERE. 562 00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:29,734 AND MY MOTHER WOULD, 563 00:21:29,734 --> 00:21:31,066 [whispering] "IT'S YOUR FATHER! 564 00:21:31,066 --> 00:21:33,166 "SHH! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! 565 00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:37,066 "GET OUT! IT'S YOUR FATHER! 566 00:21:37,066 --> 00:21:40,367 HE WORKS HARD! GET OUT!" 567 00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:41,433 "BUT IT'S RAINING." 568 00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:44,700 [whispering] "GET OUT!" 569 00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:45,967 I TRY AND SLEEP IN MY HOUSE, 570 00:21:45,967 --> 00:21:48,266 PEOPLE ARE POKING ME IN THE FACE. 571 00:21:48,266 --> 00:21:49,667 LITERALLY OPENING MY EYES. 572 00:21:49,667 --> 00:21:51,467 "ARE YOU AWAKE? ARE YOU AWAKE? 573 00:21:51,467 --> 00:21:52,867 "WE NEED YOU TO HOOK UP THE WII. 574 00:21:52,867 --> 00:21:55,867 "HOOK UP THE WII. HOOK UP THE WII. 575 00:21:55,867 --> 00:21:57,500 "HOOK UP THE WII. HOOK IT. 576 00:21:57,500 --> 00:22:03,266 HOOK IT UP! HOOK IT UP!" 577 00:22:03,266 --> 00:22:04,600 I HIDE IN THE BATHROOM. 578 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,066 THAT'S MY ONLY PLACE TO HIDE. 579 00:22:06,066 --> 00:22:07,133 I PAY FOR THE WHOLE PLACE. 580 00:22:07,133 --> 00:22:10,200 I SIT IN THE BATHROOM LIKE AN IDIOT. 581 00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,967 AND THEY START POUNDING ON THE DOOR. 582 00:22:11,967 --> 00:22:13,600 AND, LIKE, A NORMAL PERSON, IF SOMEONE DOESN'T ANSWER, 583 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:15,500 "OH, THEY'RE BUSY. I'LL COME BACK LATER." 584 00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,633 NO, THEY GET ON THE GROUND, 585 00:22:16,633 --> 00:22:18,867 TWO EYES LOOKING UP AT ME. 586 00:22:18,867 --> 00:22:21,800 THE OTHER ONE STARTS WIGGLING FINGERS UNDERNEATH. 587 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,066 THEN THE CAT GETS INVOLVED. 588 00:22:23,066 --> 00:22:28,066 THE PAW COMES UNDER. 589 00:22:28,066 --> 00:22:32,367 IT'S LIKE AN ATTACK OF THE NEEDY IDIOTS. 590 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:37,500 AND IT'S OUR GENERATION'S COMPLETELY INFANTILE GUYS. 591 00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:39,233 I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY WE'RE NOT GROWN-UPS. 592 00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:40,900 THESE--YOU SHOULD SEE THESE DADS AT THE PARK. 593 00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:42,066 THEY DRESS LIKE THE KIDS. 594 00:22:42,066 --> 00:22:43,800 THEY'RE IN CONVERSE AND THEY'RE DRESSED 595 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,467 EXACTLY LIKE THEIR LITTLE SIX-YEAR-OLDS 596 00:22:45,467 --> 00:22:47,600 AND THEY'RE HIGH-FIVING AND TRYING TO BE COOL 597 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:49,600 AND ACCEPTED BY THE EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS. 598 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,066 WHOO! 599 00:22:51,066 --> 00:22:52,133 ARE YOU KIDDING? 600 00:22:52,133 --> 00:22:54,200 I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO BE A MAN. 601 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,200 I WANT TO SIT IN THE PARK ON A BENCH 602 00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:58,467 AND SMOKE A CIGAR AND DRINK A MARTINI 603 00:22:58,467 --> 00:23:00,734 AND HAVE MY KIDS LOOK AT ME FROM THE SWINGS AND THINK, 604 00:23:00,734 --> 00:23:02,066 "I'M NOT GONNA EVEN ASK HIM TO PUSH. 605 00:23:02,066 --> 00:23:05,567 THERE'S NO WAY HE'S GETTING UP." 606 00:23:05,567 --> 00:23:07,467 AND THEN THE ONE TIME I DO GET UP, IT'LL BE SPECIAL. 607 00:23:07,467 --> 00:23:10,767 IT'LL BE LIKE, "WOW! HE LOVES US!" 608 00:23:16,900 --> 00:23:19,367 AND THEY'LL TELL THEIR KIDS AND IT'LL BE A THING. 609 00:23:19,367 --> 00:23:21,834 IT'LL BE, "REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN HE GOT UP 610 00:23:21,834 --> 00:23:24,834 AND HE PUSHED US ON THE-- [gibberish]?" 611 00:23:24,834 --> 00:23:27,333 AND HOW IRRESPONSIBLE IS IT OF THE PARENTS 612 00:23:27,333 --> 00:23:28,433 TO TELL KIDS THAT THEY SHOULDN'T 613 00:23:28,433 --> 00:23:29,967 GET THEIR OWN FRIENDS THEIR AGE. 614 00:23:29,967 --> 00:23:32,233 WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. 615 00:23:32,233 --> 00:23:35,066 I HAVE SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER. 616 00:23:35,066 --> 00:23:37,367 WE'RE NOT HANGING OUT. 617 00:23:37,367 --> 00:23:40,967 WE ARE ENEMIES ON A COSMIC LEVEL. 618 00:23:40,967 --> 00:23:42,400 YOU'RE TRYING TO DESTROY ME. 619 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,734 I'M TRYING TO DESTROY YOU. 620 00:23:43,734 --> 00:23:45,400 THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES, AND IT IS. 621 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:46,533 THEY ARE TRYING TO DESTROY US. 622 00:23:46,533 --> 00:23:48,233 THEY'RE SLOWLY TRYING TO DESTROY US. 623 00:23:48,233 --> 00:23:50,900 I SEE PICTURES OF US WHEN WE FIRST GOT MARRIED. 624 00:23:50,900 --> 00:23:53,200 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT WAS ONLY TEN YEARS AGO. 625 00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,567 TEN YEARS AGO. 626 00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:57,066 WE JUST LOOKED LIKE SO FILLED WITH HOPE, MY WIFE AND I. 627 00:23:57,066 --> 00:23:59,133 JUST BRIGHT EYES AND HAIR. 628 00:23:59,133 --> 00:24:01,266 I HAD SO MUCH HAIR. 629 00:24:01,266 --> 00:24:02,400 JUST LOOKED GREAT. 630 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,834 WE LOOKED LIKE WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO VEGAS. 631 00:24:03,834 --> 00:24:05,233 YOU KNOW THAT FEELING WHEN YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY? 632 00:24:05,233 --> 00:24:07,734 YOU'RE LIKE, "ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. YAY!" 633 00:24:07,734 --> 00:24:09,066 NOW ALL THE SHOTS OF US LOOK LIKE 634 00:24:09,066 --> 00:24:10,166 WE'RE ON THE RETURN FLIGHT 635 00:24:10,166 --> 00:24:12,233 AFTER WE GOT OUR ASS KICKED IN VEGAS. 636 00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:14,500 JUST BLOODSHOT EYES AND MESSY HAIR. 637 00:24:14,500 --> 00:24:16,066 [chuckles] 638 00:24:16,066 --> 00:24:17,200 IT'S AWFUL. 639 00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,934 IT COMPLETELY CHANGES EVERYTHING. 640 00:24:18,934 --> 00:24:21,066 AND THIS IS THE HARDEST PART, BECAUSE YOU LOOK UP-- 641 00:24:21,066 --> 00:24:22,934 I LOVE WOMEN. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN WITH GIRLS. 642 00:24:22,934 --> 00:24:24,266 I'VE HAD LONG RELATIONSHIPS. 643 00:24:24,266 --> 00:24:25,567 I'VE ALWAYS RESPECTED THEM. 644 00:24:25,567 --> 00:24:26,967 AND NOW THIS WAS THE ULTIMATE WOMAN. 645 00:24:26,967 --> 00:24:28,567 THIS IS THE ROMANTIC STORY OF MY LIFE. 646 00:24:28,567 --> 00:24:29,967 THE WOMAN I'M GONNA MARRY. 647 00:24:29,967 --> 00:24:31,934 ROMANCE TILL THE END OF TIME. 648 00:24:31,934 --> 00:24:34,834 BUT THEN YOU HAVE KIDS AND PETS AND IN-LAWS 649 00:24:34,834 --> 00:24:36,834 AND MORTGAGES AND ALL THIS OTHER CRAP. 650 00:24:36,834 --> 00:24:38,700 THERE'S NO TIME FOR ROMANCE. 651 00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:40,233 WE ARE NOW BUSINESS PARTNERS 652 00:24:40,233 --> 00:24:45,133 IN THIS AWFUL NON-PROFIT ORGANIZATION. 653 00:24:45,133 --> 00:24:47,900 WE ARE WORKING OUR ASS FOR NOTHING. 654 00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:49,200 FOR NOTHING. 655 00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:50,767 "WELL, IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE." 656 00:24:50,767 --> 00:24:53,066 [mocking laugh] 657 00:24:53,066 --> 00:24:54,200 IT'S AWFUL. 658 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,834 IT TOTALLY CHANGES EVERYTHING. 659 00:24:55,834 --> 00:24:57,100 IN THE BEGINNING, MY WIFE WAS THE HOT CHICK 660 00:24:57,100 --> 00:24:58,333 WHO I HAD SEX WITH. 661 00:24:58,333 --> 00:24:59,834 I'D JUST SIT ON THE COUCH AND WATCH HER GO BY. 662 00:24:59,834 --> 00:25:01,233 "HEY!" 663 00:25:01,233 --> 00:25:03,266 NOW SHE'S THE "WASH YOUR HANDS" LADY. 664 00:25:03,266 --> 00:25:04,967 NOW SHE JUST RUNS AROUND THE HOUSE 665 00:25:04,967 --> 00:25:06,734 YELLING AT ALL OF US 24 HOURS A DAY. 666 00:25:06,734 --> 00:25:08,367 "DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS? DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS? 667 00:25:08,367 --> 00:25:10,066 DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS? DID YOU WASH HER HANDS?" 668 00:25:10,066 --> 00:25:11,233 [gibberish] 669 00:25:11,233 --> 00:25:12,533 SHE'S LIKE A HUMAN TISSUE BOX. 670 00:25:12,533 --> 00:25:14,667 PULLS WIPES OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE ON HER BODY. 671 00:25:14,667 --> 00:25:16,600 "TAKE A WIPE. TAKE A WIPE. TAKE A WIPE. TAKE A WIPE. 672 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:18,066 TAKE A WIPE." 673 00:25:18,066 --> 00:25:19,266 SO NOW I GOT TO BE TURNED ON 674 00:25:19,266 --> 00:25:20,367 BY THE "WASH YOUR HANDS" LADY. 675 00:25:20,367 --> 00:25:22,467 IT'S TRICKY. 676 00:25:22,467 --> 00:25:24,600 AND SHE DOESN'T LOOK AT ME LIKE A SEXUAL BEING. 677 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,767 I'M LIKE THIS WEIRD WEATHERMAN THAT SHE LIVES WITH, APPARENTLY. 678 00:25:27,767 --> 00:25:31,433 IT'S MY JOB TO TELL HER THE WEATHER 24 HOURS A DAY. 679 00:25:31,433 --> 00:25:32,900 AS SOON AS SHE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING, 680 00:25:32,900 --> 00:25:36,367 "IS IT COLD OUT? HOW COLD IS IT GONNA BE? 681 00:25:36,367 --> 00:25:38,066 "DO I NEED A JACKET? DO I NEED TWO JACKETS? 682 00:25:38,066 --> 00:25:39,100 "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW? 683 00:25:39,100 --> 00:25:41,266 YOU'RE ALWAYS HOTTER THAN ME ANYWAY." 684 00:25:41,266 --> 00:25:42,467 SO YOU PUT THE "WASH YOUR HANDS" LADY 685 00:25:42,467 --> 00:25:43,533 AND THE WEATHERMAN TOGETHER, 686 00:25:43,533 --> 00:25:46,700 IT'S NOT A REAL SEXUAL VIBE GOING ON. 687 00:25:46,700 --> 00:25:48,433 AND LOOK, I LOVE THIS WOMAN. SHE'S GREAT. 688 00:25:48,433 --> 00:25:50,166 SHE'S--YOU KNOW, SHE'S GREAT. I LOVE HER. 689 00:25:50,166 --> 00:25:52,934 BUT SHE IS NOW THE SCARIEST WOMAN I KNOW. 690 00:25:52,934 --> 00:25:54,400 AND SHE HAS TO BE, 'CAUSE THESE DEMONS 691 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:55,600 ARE TRYING TO KILL US. 692 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:58,066 SHE HAS TO BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN THEY ARE. 693 00:25:58,066 --> 00:26:00,133 WE HEAR HER COMING DOWN THE HALLWAY, 694 00:26:00,133 --> 00:26:01,934 ALL THREE OF US JUST FREAK OUT. 695 00:26:01,934 --> 00:26:05,166 "DID EVERYBODY DO-- ARE YOU SURE? DID YOU? 696 00:26:05,166 --> 00:26:06,834 ARE YOU SURE YOU DID EVERYTHING?" 697 00:26:06,834 --> 00:26:07,967 [deep voice] "WHO LEFT OUT 698 00:26:07,967 --> 00:26:10,533 THE BATHROOM TOWELS?" 699 00:26:10,533 --> 00:26:14,433 [roars] 700 00:26:14,433 --> 00:26:15,867 [mouthing silently] 701 00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:16,867 AND NO LOYALTY. 702 00:26:16,867 --> 00:26:18,600 WE SELL EACH OTHER OUT IMMEDIATELY. 703 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:21,533 "IT WAS THE LITTLE ONE! IT WAS THE LITTLE ONE!" 704 00:26:21,533 --> 00:26:22,834 AND SHE CAN'T DEFEND HERSELF. 705 00:26:22,834 --> 00:26:25,867 "WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?" 706 00:26:25,867 --> 00:26:27,767 AND I'M KISSING HER ASS, "GOOD JOB, HONEY! 707 00:26:27,767 --> 00:26:29,867 TOWELS ARE IMPORTANT!" 708 00:26:29,867 --> 00:26:31,934 [deep voice] "I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU!" 709 00:26:31,934 --> 00:26:34,333 "OKAY! 710 00:26:34,333 --> 00:26:37,433 I'LL BE CLEANING SOMETHING." 711 00:26:37,433 --> 00:26:39,266 SHE DOES EVERYTHING. SHE DOES IT ALL. 712 00:26:39,266 --> 00:26:41,533 SHE TAKES CARE OF THE KIDS. SHE DOES ALL OF IT, YOU KNOW? 713 00:26:41,533 --> 00:26:43,266 I MEAN ALL OF IT. I DON'T EVEN-- 714 00:26:43,266 --> 00:26:44,967 SHE HAS AN ATTACHMENT WITH THESE CHILDREN 715 00:26:44,967 --> 00:26:49,066 THAT I WOULD NEVER-- I DON'T HAVE IT. 716 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:50,767 WE GO OUT TO DINNER, SOON AS WE GET IN THE CAR, 717 00:26:50,767 --> 00:26:52,800 SHE STARTS CRYING, "I MISS THEM ALREADY." 718 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:54,967 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. 719 00:27:00,433 --> 00:27:02,300 GOD FORBID, IF ANYTHING EVER HAPPENED TO MY WIFE, 720 00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:06,533 I WOULD HAVE TO REMARRY IMMEDIATELY...TO ANYONE. 721 00:27:06,533 --> 00:27:08,500 JUST DRIVE DOWN THE STREET, "HEY. 722 00:27:08,500 --> 00:27:13,300 "YOU WANT TO LIVE INSIDE FOR A WHILE? 723 00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:14,500 "NO, BRING THE CART. BRING THE CART. 724 00:27:14,500 --> 00:27:18,900 THAT'LL COME IN HANDY." 725 00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:20,066 AND THE KIDS ARE COOL, YOU KNOW? 726 00:27:20,066 --> 00:27:21,166 THEY'RE COOL. THEY'RE GETTING BIGGER. 727 00:27:21,166 --> 00:27:22,600 IT'S COOL. YOU CAN TALK NOW. 728 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,734 IT'S FUN. 729 00:27:23,734 --> 00:27:24,900 YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH 'EM, YOU KNOW? 730 00:27:24,900 --> 00:27:26,200 HEY, LISTEN, SMALL TALK, TO ME, 731 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,333 WITH CHILDREN, IS SO MUCH BETTER 732 00:27:27,333 --> 00:27:28,800 THAN SMALL TALK WITH ADULTS, RIGHT? 733 00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,767 I MEAN, AT LEAST THEY'RE COMING UP WITH NEW THOUGHTS, 734 00:27:30,767 --> 00:27:32,266 TRYING NEW IDEAS. 735 00:27:32,266 --> 00:27:34,066 I WAS AT A WEDDING WITH THESE GROWN-UPS I KIND OF KNOW. 736 00:27:34,066 --> 00:27:35,367 THEY'RE JUST REGURGITATING STORIES 737 00:27:35,367 --> 00:27:37,100 THEY'VE SAID FOR 50 YEARS. 738 00:27:37,100 --> 00:27:38,600 THERE'S NOT ONE ORIGINAL THOUGHT. 739 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:39,934 IT'S JUST CLICHES AND-- 740 00:27:39,934 --> 00:27:41,100 "OH, HOW'S WORK, DON?" 741 00:27:41,100 --> 00:27:42,800 "WELL, STILL A MILLION BUCKS SHY 742 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,233 "OF BEING A MILLIONAIRE. 743 00:27:44,233 --> 00:27:47,900 [chuckles] 744 00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:49,800 "I GOT MY COMMUTE DOWN TO ABOUT AN HOUR 745 00:27:49,800 --> 00:27:51,066 "IF I TAKE THE BACK ROAD. 746 00:27:51,066 --> 00:27:54,700 "IF I TAKE THE HIGHWAY... [gibberish] 747 00:27:54,700 --> 00:27:58,300 "AND THE GAS PRICES ARE... [gibberish] 748 00:27:58,300 --> 00:28:02,633 AND MY GOLF GAME... BAA!" 749 00:28:02,633 --> 00:28:05,834 SHOOT ME IN THE FACE. 750 00:28:05,834 --> 00:28:07,433 MY DAUGHTER WALKED IN THE OTHER DAY. 751 00:28:07,433 --> 00:28:08,734 FIRST THING OUT OF HER MOUTH, 752 00:28:08,734 --> 00:28:12,800 "MOM'S BREATH SMELLS LIKE A TACO." 753 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,333 "GREAT. LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT. 754 00:28:15,333 --> 00:28:16,867 WHY'S IT SMELL LIKE A TACO?" 755 00:28:16,867 --> 00:28:18,500 "I DON'T KNOW. NORMALLY SMELLS LIKE PLASTIC, 756 00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:21,133 "BUT TODAY IT SMELLED LIKE A TACO. 757 00:28:21,133 --> 00:28:22,934 "I THINK THERE WAS A UNICORN IN MY ROOM LAST NIGHT. 758 00:28:22,934 --> 00:28:25,533 "I SAW SOME SPARKLES. 759 00:28:25,533 --> 00:28:29,066 DO YOU SMELL A RAINBOW? I THINK I SMELL A RAINBOW." 760 00:28:29,066 --> 00:28:30,133 "YOU'RE AWESOME. 761 00:28:30,133 --> 00:28:31,433 "I DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GET HIGH WITH YOU. 762 00:28:31,433 --> 00:28:33,166 THIS IS AMAZING." 763 00:28:33,166 --> 00:28:36,500 [laughter and applause] 764 00:28:36,500 --> 00:28:40,667 [chuckles] 765 00:28:40,667 --> 00:28:46,133 WHO SMELLS RAINBOWS? 766 00:28:46,133 --> 00:28:47,767 BUT ALL THE SCHOOLS IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD NOW 767 00:28:47,767 --> 00:28:49,467 ARE RUN BY EX-HIPPIES AND POTHEADS. 768 00:28:49,467 --> 00:28:51,700 EVERYWHERE WE GO, "WE DON'T BELIEVE IN GRADES HERE, MAN, 769 00:28:51,700 --> 00:28:55,166 OR RULES OR STRESSING OUT YOUR CHILD IN ANY WAY." 770 00:28:55,166 --> 00:28:58,333 WELL, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT'S A SCHOOL. 771 00:28:58,333 --> 00:28:59,433 I WANT A REAL SCHOOL. 772 00:28:59,433 --> 00:29:01,166 THE FAT LUNCH LADY, CAN'T FIGURE OUT 773 00:29:01,166 --> 00:29:04,066 WHO'S HITTING HER IN THE HEAD WITH TATER TOTS, RIGHT? 774 00:29:04,066 --> 00:29:05,166 THE PRINCIPAL'S A VIETNAM VET, 775 00:29:05,166 --> 00:29:06,467 CHAIN SMOKING IN THE PARKING LOT, 776 00:29:06,467 --> 00:29:10,633 STARING AT THE ASIAN KIDS ALL WEIRD. 777 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,166 THAT'S WHY YOU GO TO SCHOOL. 778 00:29:17,166 --> 00:29:19,333 LEARN THAT ADULTS ARE JUST AS SCREWED UP AS YOU ARE, RIGHT? 779 00:29:19,333 --> 00:29:21,233 I HAD A BAD HEALTH TEACHER WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH PUBERTY. 780 00:29:21,233 --> 00:29:22,934 SHE MESSED ME UP FOR YEARS. 781 00:29:22,934 --> 00:29:24,200 SHE WAS EXPLAINING WET DREAMS. 782 00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:26,633 SHE SAID, "YOUR SPERM IS NOCTURNAL, 783 00:29:26,633 --> 00:29:30,066 "WHICH MEANS IT ONLY COMES OUT AT NIGHT, 784 00:29:30,066 --> 00:29:34,834 LIKE A RACCOON OR A POSSUM." 785 00:29:34,834 --> 00:29:37,066 FOR YEARS, I HAD NIGHTMARES THAT AS I WAS SLEEPING, 786 00:29:37,066 --> 00:29:40,567 MY SPERM WAS OUT RUMMAGING THROUGH GARBAGE CANS. 787 00:29:40,567 --> 00:29:42,100 I COME DOWN IN THE MORNING ALL PARANOID, 788 00:29:42,100 --> 00:29:43,633 EATING MY CEREAL, "ANYBODY SEE ANYTHING WEIRD 789 00:29:43,633 --> 00:29:49,433 LAST NIGHT?" 790 00:29:49,433 --> 00:29:51,467 I'M GLAD WE GOT IT OVER WITH THOUGH, YOU KNOW? 791 00:29:51,467 --> 00:29:53,467 I DIDN'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE--65, 70-- 792 00:29:53,467 --> 00:29:54,467 DECIDING TO HAVE KIDS. 793 00:29:54,467 --> 00:29:55,667 THAT'S CREEPY. 794 00:29:55,667 --> 00:29:57,066 JUST 'CAUSE SCIENCE SAYS YOU CAN, 795 00:29:57,066 --> 00:29:58,300 DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD. 796 00:29:58,300 --> 00:29:59,600 IT'S NOT FAIR TO THE KIDS EITHER. 797 00:29:59,600 --> 00:30:03,133 OLD SPERM MAKES OLD-SPERM KIDS. 798 00:30:03,133 --> 00:30:04,934 IT'S TRUE. I SEE 'EM AT THE PARK. 799 00:30:04,934 --> 00:30:07,533 THERE'S A DIFFERENCE. 800 00:30:07,533 --> 00:30:09,567 YOUNG-SPERM KIDS DOING FLIPS ON THE MONKEY BARS, 801 00:30:09,567 --> 00:30:11,033 CLIMBING TREES, RUNNING REAL FAST. 802 00:30:11,033 --> 00:30:14,834 OLD-SPERM KIDS IN A SWEATER ON THE BENCH. 803 00:30:14,834 --> 00:30:19,367 ALL COLD AND SHAKY IN THE MIDDLE OF JULY. 804 00:30:19,367 --> 00:30:21,200 AND A LOT OF WEIRD TWINS TOO. YOU NOTICE THAT? 805 00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:22,700 THERE'S ALL THIS IN VITRO CLONING GOING ON. 806 00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:24,500 THEY'RE POPPING TWINS OUT LEFT AND RIGHT. 807 00:30:24,500 --> 00:30:25,700 AND THEY'RE NOT LIKE NORMAL TWINS, 808 00:30:25,700 --> 00:30:26,800 WHICH ARE CREEPY ENOUGH. 809 00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:29,300 THESE ARE, LIKE, SHIFTY AND PARANOID, 810 00:30:29,300 --> 00:30:31,433 'CAUSE THEY KNOW THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. 811 00:30:36,166 --> 00:30:37,300 THERE'S A PAIR IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, 812 00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:38,900 I CALL 'EM LITTLE JOHNNY TWO-HEAD, 813 00:30:38,900 --> 00:30:40,233 'CAUSE THEY ALWAYS WALK SINGLE FILE. 814 00:30:40,233 --> 00:30:42,166 YOU THINK IT'S ONE KID COMING AT YOU, 815 00:30:42,166 --> 00:30:45,967 THEN AT THE LAST MINUTE, THE OTHER ONE POPS HIS HEAD OUT. 816 00:30:45,967 --> 00:30:47,433 AND THEY'RE ALWAYS SAYING WEIRD STUFF TO ME TOO. 817 00:30:47,433 --> 00:30:48,767 THEY'RE LIKE, "CAN WE SWIM IN YOUR POOL?" 818 00:30:48,767 --> 00:30:52,834 "WE WON'T EAT YOUR LIVER." 819 00:30:52,834 --> 00:30:55,600 "GET OUT OF HERE, TWO-HEAD. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT." 820 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,667 [chuckles] 821 00:31:00,433 --> 00:31:02,400 OH, THIS IS FUN. 822 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:07,400 [cheers and applause] 823 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,433 I WENT TO THE OPERA LAST WEEK. THAT'S BIZARRE. 824 00:31:09,433 --> 00:31:11,967 THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER ENTERTAINMENT, DON'T YOU THINK? 825 00:31:11,967 --> 00:31:13,467 OH, PLEASE. 826 00:31:13,467 --> 00:31:15,533 I MEAN, NOTHING AGAINST OPERA SINGERS. 827 00:31:15,533 --> 00:31:17,300 IT'S KIND OF IMPRESSIVE, BUT SINGING-- 828 00:31:17,300 --> 00:31:20,100 JUST THE ACT OF SINGING IS SO BIZARRE, YOU KNOW? 829 00:31:20,100 --> 00:31:22,867 IT'S LIKE OUR APE-LIKE ATTEMPT TO BE ANGELIC. 830 00:31:22,867 --> 00:31:24,934 WHO WAS THE FIRST ONE TO LET THAT OUT? 831 00:31:24,934 --> 00:31:27,600 "[singing] AHH! 832 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:30,433 "WATCH THIS NOISE COME OUT OF MY FACE. 833 00:31:30,433 --> 00:31:35,400 [singing] AHH!" 834 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:37,200 "WHAT IS HE DOING?" 835 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,300 [off-key vocalizing] 836 00:31:40,300 --> 00:31:41,567 "IS HE CALLING THE OTHERS? 837 00:31:41,567 --> 00:31:46,767 LET'S GET OUT OF HERE." 838 00:31:46,767 --> 00:31:48,166 SINGING IS BIZARRE. 839 00:31:48,166 --> 00:31:49,567 YOU EVER HAVE SOMEONE SING AT YOU 840 00:31:49,567 --> 00:31:50,834 AND MAKE EYE CONTACT? 841 00:31:50,834 --> 00:31:52,433 UGH! 842 00:31:52,433 --> 00:31:54,967 IT'S LIKE YOU'RE BEING MOLESTED. 843 00:31:54,967 --> 00:32:01,100 [off-key vocalizing] 844 00:32:08,867 --> 00:32:10,700 GET OUT OF HERE. 845 00:32:10,700 --> 00:32:13,734 THINK I'VE BEEN DATE RAPED. 846 00:32:13,734 --> 00:32:16,867 [chuckles] 847 00:32:16,867 --> 00:32:20,066 I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS IS OVER. 848 00:32:20,066 --> 00:32:21,200 NOT FOR THAT. 849 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:22,500 I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE GOOD 850 00:32:22,500 --> 00:32:24,767 IN NOT EATING ALL WEEK AND TRYING TO BE-- 851 00:32:24,767 --> 00:32:26,266 I CAN'T STAND IT. 852 00:32:26,266 --> 00:32:29,066 I LIKE--I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO BE FAT. 853 00:32:29,066 --> 00:32:30,567 I REALLY--DON'T YOU WANT TO BE FAT? 854 00:32:30,567 --> 00:32:32,333 ISN'T IT TOO MUCH WORK TRYING TO WORK YOUR ASS OFF 855 00:32:32,333 --> 00:32:35,166 TRYING TO BE-- SKINNY IS A PAIN IN THE ASS. 856 00:32:35,166 --> 00:32:36,734 I WOULD JUST--I JUST WANT TO EAT. 857 00:32:36,734 --> 00:32:38,967 I FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT RESPONSIBLE ME AND FAT ME 858 00:32:38,967 --> 00:32:40,400 ALL IN THE SAME HEAD. 859 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:41,567 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 860 00:32:41,567 --> 00:32:42,767 RESPONSIBLE ME IS LIKE, "I GOT THE SNEAKERS. 861 00:32:42,767 --> 00:32:44,100 LET'S GO TO THE GYM." 862 00:32:44,100 --> 00:32:45,633 AND FAT ME KNOCKS 'EM OUT OF HIS HAND. 863 00:32:45,633 --> 00:32:49,367 "HEY! WHO WANTS WINGS?" 864 00:32:49,367 --> 00:32:52,867 "YAY! FAT ME, YOU'RE THE BEST!" 865 00:32:52,867 --> 00:32:54,567 THIS WAS FAT ME THE OTHER NIGHT. 866 00:32:54,567 --> 00:32:56,500 I LITERALLY WAS SCRAPING FOOD INTO THE GARBAGE 867 00:32:56,500 --> 00:32:59,500 AND TAKING BITES OF IT AT THE SAME TIME. 868 00:32:59,500 --> 00:33:00,834 YOU EVER DO THAT? 869 00:33:00,834 --> 00:33:03,500 [guttural voice] "ONE FOR YOU AND ONE FOR ME." 870 00:33:03,500 --> 00:33:04,734 YOU START FEELING GUILTY. 871 00:33:04,734 --> 00:33:06,200 LIKE, OTHER PEOPLE, YOU DON'T WANT 'EM TO SEE. 872 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:07,300 [growling] 873 00:33:07,300 --> 00:33:09,333 YOU'RE LIKE A RACCOON IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN. 874 00:33:09,333 --> 00:33:13,834 [grumbling] 875 00:33:13,834 --> 00:33:15,266 IT'S FUN GETTING FAT. 876 00:33:15,266 --> 00:33:17,400 I WENT TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. 877 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:18,834 HOLY COW! 878 00:33:18,834 --> 00:33:21,567 THIS IS A COMPANY THAT KNOWS WHAT AMERICA WANTS, DON'T THEY? 879 00:33:21,567 --> 00:33:24,667 "YEAH, LET'S PUT 'FACTORY' RIGHT IN THE TITLE. 880 00:33:24,667 --> 00:33:26,633 "LET THESE FAT TUB-O-LARDS THINK THEY CAN COME 881 00:33:26,633 --> 00:33:28,667 "SIT AT THE END OF A CONVEYER BELT 882 00:33:28,667 --> 00:33:32,066 AND HAVE CHEESECAKES RAMMED RIGHT DOWN THEIR THROATS." 883 00:33:32,066 --> 00:33:35,867 [grunting] 884 00:33:35,867 --> 00:33:37,967 EVEN THE WAITERS THINK WE'RE GROSS NOW. 885 00:33:37,967 --> 00:33:39,166 YOU NOTICE AT THE END OF THE MEAL, THEY ASK, 886 00:33:39,166 --> 00:33:42,233 "ARE YOU STILL WORKING ON THAT?" 887 00:33:42,233 --> 00:33:43,734 RIGHT? NOT IF YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF. 888 00:33:43,734 --> 00:33:47,633 "YOU STILL WORKING ON SHOVELING THAT INTO YOUR FAT PIE HOLE? 889 00:33:47,633 --> 00:33:48,800 "YEAH, I'LL GIVE YOU A DOGGIE BAG. 890 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,200 "WE BOTH KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG. 891 00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:53,800 IF YOU DID, YOU'D EAT IT." 892 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:55,333 THE WHOLE THING'S TOO MUCH. 893 00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:57,100 AND NOTHING WORSE THAN WHEN THE BIG-BIG WAITRESS 894 00:33:57,100 --> 00:33:58,433 THAT COMES UP AT THE END OF THE MEAL. 895 00:33:58,433 --> 00:34:00,133 THAT'S SO FRIGHTENING, 'CAUSE THE DESSERT THING, 896 00:34:00,133 --> 00:34:02,266 IT ALMOST BECOMES LIKE PORN FOR THEM. 897 00:34:02,266 --> 00:34:04,100 THEY JUST COME BOUNCING UP TO THE TABLE. 898 00:34:04,100 --> 00:34:07,533 "SO... 899 00:34:07,533 --> 00:34:10,066 "DID YOU SAVE SOME ROOM FOR DESSERT? 900 00:34:10,066 --> 00:34:12,133 "YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE ONE OF OUR BROWNIE SUNDAES. 901 00:34:12,133 --> 00:34:14,200 "OH, MY GOD! 902 00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:17,066 "THEY'RE SO GOOD. 903 00:34:17,066 --> 00:34:19,300 "I HAVE ONE IN MY POCKET RIGHT NOW. 904 00:34:19,300 --> 00:34:22,200 [maniacal laughter] 905 00:34:22,200 --> 00:34:26,266 MOO! MOO!" 906 00:34:33,300 --> 00:34:35,233 YOU EVER NOTICE THE SMALLER THE TOWNS IN AMERICA, 907 00:34:35,233 --> 00:34:36,600 THE BIGGER THE PEOPLE? 908 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:38,400 I WAS IN PADUCAH, KENTUCKY, LAST YEAR. 909 00:34:38,400 --> 00:34:39,567 HOLY COW. 910 00:34:39,567 --> 00:34:42,567 IT WAS LIKE DINOSAURS WERE ROAMING THE EARTH. 911 00:34:42,567 --> 00:34:43,767 REALLY. 912 00:34:43,767 --> 00:34:44,834 THERE WAS ONE SKINNY GUY IN THE TOWN. 913 00:34:44,834 --> 00:34:47,066 HE WAS RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE. 914 00:34:47,066 --> 00:34:48,367 REALLY. AND IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. 915 00:34:48,367 --> 00:34:49,600 EVERY RESTAURANT YOU GO TO, THEY ASK YOU 916 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,900 THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER AGAIN. 917 00:34:51,900 --> 00:34:53,867 [Southern accent] "YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT? 918 00:34:53,867 --> 00:34:55,467 YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT?" 919 00:34:55,467 --> 00:34:57,734 IHOP IN THE MORNING. PANCAKES. 920 00:34:57,734 --> 00:34:59,300 "YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT?" 921 00:34:59,300 --> 00:35:00,700 "ON PANCAKES?" 922 00:35:00,700 --> 00:35:02,934 "IT'S REALLY GOOD." 923 00:35:02,934 --> 00:35:04,967 AND YOU LOOK AROUND TO SEE WHO ELSE IS EATING IT. 924 00:35:04,967 --> 00:35:06,734 EVERYBODY ELSE IS EATING IT. 925 00:35:06,734 --> 00:35:08,433 EVERYBODY THERE LOOKS LIKE THEY BELONG 926 00:35:08,433 --> 00:35:11,967 IN THE COUNTRY BEAR JAMBOREE. 927 00:35:11,967 --> 00:35:15,066 "GET THE CHEESE ON THAT." 928 00:35:18,300 --> 00:35:21,533 A BOOTH FOR A FAMILY OF FOUR IS BIGGER THAN THIS STAGE. 929 00:35:21,533 --> 00:35:23,333 I SWEAR TO GOD. 930 00:35:23,333 --> 00:35:25,066 LIKE, THE DISTANCE FROM THE BENCH TO THE TABLE 931 00:35:25,066 --> 00:35:26,467 IS SO WIDE SO THEY CAN FIT, 932 00:35:26,467 --> 00:35:28,100 YOU HAVE TO HOP OFF, TAKE BITES, 933 00:35:28,100 --> 00:35:30,633 AND THEN HOP BACK TO YOUR SEAT. 934 00:35:30,633 --> 00:35:31,967 AND WHEN YOU WANT THE CHEESE ON IT, 935 00:35:31,967 --> 00:35:33,200 YOU DON'T SAY YES OR NO. 936 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:34,333 YOU GOT TO ANSWER THE WAY THEY ANSWER. 937 00:35:34,333 --> 00:35:36,867 YOU SAY, "YOU KNOW I DO." 938 00:35:36,867 --> 00:35:37,867 IT'S CODE WORD. 939 00:35:37,867 --> 00:35:39,266 MEANS WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE. 940 00:35:39,266 --> 00:35:40,367 "YOU WANT CHEESE ON THAT?" 941 00:35:40,367 --> 00:35:46,166 "I AIN'T NO QUEER. YOU KNOW I DO." 942 00:35:46,166 --> 00:35:48,967 THEY HAD A BACON CHEESEBURGER SOUP. 943 00:35:48,967 --> 00:35:51,133 YEAH, BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF A BACON CHEESEBURGER, 944 00:35:51,133 --> 00:35:54,066 PUT SOME HOT WATER ON IT, "HERE YOU GO, LARDASS. 945 00:35:54,066 --> 00:35:57,066 ENJOY SOMETHING FROM THE DIET MENU." 946 00:35:57,066 --> 00:35:58,133 THE WEIRDEST THING THEY HAD 947 00:35:58,133 --> 00:35:59,333 WERE THESE GIANT STUFFED POTATOES 948 00:35:59,333 --> 00:36:01,133 FILLED WITH BACON SNOUTS AND CHEESE BALLS. 949 00:36:01,133 --> 00:36:02,300 ALL THESE DIFFERENT OPTIONS. 950 00:36:02,300 --> 00:36:03,800 THE WEIRDEST ONE HAD MARSHMALLOWS 951 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:06,133 AND CARAMEL SAUCE... 952 00:36:06,133 --> 00:36:07,934 IN A POTATO! 953 00:36:07,934 --> 00:36:10,166 AS ONE OF YOUR SIDES! 954 00:36:10,166 --> 00:36:11,767 THIS WOULD MAKE SENSE IF YOU WERE STONED 955 00:36:11,767 --> 00:36:14,900 AT THE COUNTRY FAIR, AND YOUR FRIEND CAME RUNNING UP, 956 00:36:14,900 --> 00:36:17,767 [Southern accent] "LOOK WHAT I FOUND! 957 00:36:17,767 --> 00:36:19,233 "THEY'RE SELLING 'EM BY THE FERRIS WHEEL. 958 00:36:19,233 --> 00:36:21,867 "RUN! 959 00:36:21,867 --> 00:36:24,900 GET THE CHEESE ON IT!" 960 00:36:24,900 --> 00:36:27,200 BUT THEY'RE HAPPY. THEY'RE HAPPY PEOPLE. 961 00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:28,567 DRINK AT THE TABLE, SMOKING, 962 00:36:28,567 --> 00:36:30,367 HAVING HEART ATTACKS, PASSING OUT, 963 00:36:30,367 --> 00:36:32,433 COMING TO, EATING MORE. 964 00:36:32,433 --> 00:36:34,533 THEY'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT A DAMN THING. 965 00:36:34,533 --> 00:36:36,333 I'M ALL FREAKED OUT ABOUT MY HEALTH NOW. 966 00:36:36,333 --> 00:36:39,133 I'M AT A POINT NOW WHERE I NEVER FEEL THAT GREAT EVER. 967 00:36:39,133 --> 00:36:40,800 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? PEOPLE LIKE, "HOW YOU DOING?" 968 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:42,467 I'M LIKE, "I'M DOING OKAY." 969 00:36:42,467 --> 00:36:43,633 THEN IN MY HEAD, I'M THINKING, 970 00:36:43,633 --> 00:36:46,066 "EXCEPT FOR THAT WEIRD RASH ON MY ELBOW." 971 00:36:46,066 --> 00:36:47,367 THEN I GO HOME ON WEBMD, 972 00:36:47,367 --> 00:36:49,333 "WHY DO I HAVE A WEIRD RASH ON MY ELBOW?" 973 00:36:49,333 --> 00:36:54,633 WEBMD SAYS, "OH, YOU PROBABLY HAVE POISON IVY...OR CANCER." 974 00:36:54,633 --> 00:36:57,533 IS THAT THE WORST WEBSITE IN THE HISTORY OF WEBSITES? 975 00:36:57,533 --> 00:36:58,700 "WHY DO I HAVE THE SNIFFLES?" 976 00:36:58,700 --> 00:37:00,500 "OH, YOU HAVE THE COMMON COLD... 977 00:37:00,500 --> 00:37:03,066 OR NOSE CANCER." 978 00:37:03,066 --> 00:37:08,667 THEY SHOULD JUST RENAME IT "YOUPROBABLYHAVECANCER.COM." 979 00:37:08,667 --> 00:37:12,233 "SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT WHEN YOU LOOK UP INSOMNIA, HUH?" 980 00:37:15,500 --> 00:37:16,500 WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO THOUGH? 981 00:37:16,500 --> 00:37:18,100 GO BACK TO THE GYM? CAN'T DO THAT. 982 00:37:18,100 --> 00:37:20,066 IT'S BRUTAL, RIGHT? 983 00:37:20,066 --> 00:37:21,133 'CAUSE EVERYONE IN THE GYM KNOWS 984 00:37:21,133 --> 00:37:22,700 YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE IN TEN YEARS. 985 00:37:22,700 --> 00:37:24,233 THEY'RE ALL IN THEIR NIKE HIGH-TECH GEAR. 986 00:37:24,233 --> 00:37:27,166 YOU WALK IN IN JEANS AND PINK LEG WARMERS, 987 00:37:27,166 --> 00:37:28,734 BIG RED, WHITE, AND BLUE HEADBAND, 988 00:37:28,734 --> 00:37:32,066 DOING STRETCHES THAT NOBODY DOES ANYMORE. 989 00:37:38,834 --> 00:37:40,233 MAKING NOISES ON THE TREADMILL 990 00:37:40,233 --> 00:37:41,367 THAT NOBODY ELSE IS MAKING. 991 00:37:41,367 --> 00:37:43,900 [groaning] 992 00:37:43,900 --> 00:37:45,166 YOU LITERALLY SOUND LIKE A WHALE. 993 00:37:45,166 --> 00:37:46,567 LIKE A SAD WHALE. 994 00:37:46,567 --> 00:37:48,266 [high-pitched groan] 995 00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:52,600 THEN YOU HEAR FROM THE OTHER SIDE FROM THE GYM, "WAAA!" 996 00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:54,433 SOME OTHER LARDASS. 997 00:37:54,433 --> 00:37:55,834 NOW YOU'RE COMMUNICATING. 998 00:37:55,834 --> 00:38:01,934 [high-pitched groans and moans] 999 00:38:04,233 --> 00:38:06,400 MY WIFE HATES THAT JOKE. 1000 00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:09,467 SHE THINKS IT'S MEAN TO THE WHALES. 1001 00:38:09,467 --> 00:38:12,266 YEAH, SHE'S A VEGETARIAN HARDCORE. 1002 00:38:12,266 --> 00:38:14,200 OH, NO FUN. 1003 00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:15,300 IT'S SUCH A BUMMER. 1004 00:38:15,300 --> 00:38:16,433 I HAVE TO SNEAK TURKEY SANDWICHES 1005 00:38:16,433 --> 00:38:18,767 IN THE GARAGE LIKE I'M SMOKING WEED. 1006 00:38:18,767 --> 00:38:19,834 "ARE YOU OUT THERE?" 1007 00:38:19,834 --> 00:38:21,767 "I'M COMING!" 1008 00:38:21,767 --> 00:38:23,934 I WALK IN, "YOU LOOK DIFFERENT. WHAT ARE YOU ON?" 1009 00:38:23,934 --> 00:38:28,700 "I DON'T KNOW. PROTEIN?" 1010 00:38:28,700 --> 00:38:30,767 THE KIDS ARE VEGETARIANS TOO, BY THE WAY. 1011 00:38:30,767 --> 00:38:32,300 YEAH, TOMMY ALL ALONE AGAIN. 1012 00:38:32,300 --> 00:38:34,367 [chuckles] 1013 00:38:34,367 --> 00:38:36,133 MY WIFE'S LIKE, "THEY JUST WANTED TO BE VEGETARIANS. 1014 00:38:36,133 --> 00:38:37,200 "ISN'T THAT WEIRD? 1015 00:38:37,200 --> 00:38:38,600 THEY JUST CHOSE TO BE VEGETARIANS." 1016 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:41,066 "YEAH, NO, THEY DIDN'T. THEY'RE LITTLE. 1017 00:38:41,066 --> 00:38:43,467 YOU BRAINWASHED THEM. I SAW WHAT YOU DID." 1018 00:38:43,467 --> 00:38:44,767 SHE'D READ BOOKS TO THEM. 1019 00:38:44,767 --> 00:38:45,934 EVERY BOOK HAS, LIKE, A LITTLE PIG 1020 00:38:45,934 --> 00:38:47,367 WITH A HAT ON IT AND A BOW TIE. 1021 00:38:47,367 --> 00:38:49,734 "AND THEN THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER 1022 00:38:49,734 --> 00:38:54,467 UNTIL DADDY GOT HUNGRY AND ATE THEM ALL UP." 1023 00:38:54,467 --> 00:38:55,867 BUT I'M GONNA GET 'EM BACK. 1024 00:38:55,867 --> 00:38:57,867 IF I CAN GET THE BALLS, I'M JUST GONNA COOK BACON 1025 00:38:57,867 --> 00:38:59,633 EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK. 1026 00:38:59,633 --> 00:39:01,066 I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A VEGAN. 1027 00:39:01,066 --> 00:39:02,533 YOU WAKE UP TO THE SMELL OF BACON EVERY MORNING, 1028 00:39:02,533 --> 00:39:04,533 YOU'LL BE LIKE, "I DON'T CARE WHO WAS IN THAT BOW TIE. 1029 00:39:04,533 --> 00:39:07,500 I'M GONNA BITE HIM IN HIS FACE." 1030 00:39:07,500 --> 00:39:10,700 [chuckles] 1031 00:39:10,700 --> 00:39:12,300 BUT WHO KNOWS? MAYBE SHE'S RIGHT. 1032 00:39:12,300 --> 00:39:13,467 I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING, YOU KNOW? 1033 00:39:13,467 --> 00:39:15,266 MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT. THINK ABOUT IT. 1034 00:39:15,266 --> 00:39:18,900 WHAT IF GOD DIDN'T INTEND FOR US TO EAT THE ANIMALS? 1035 00:39:18,900 --> 00:39:22,066 HE MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY FREAKED OUT WHEN WE STARTED. 1036 00:39:26,967 --> 00:39:28,333 RIGHT? ONE OF THE SAINTS COMES UP, 1037 00:39:28,333 --> 00:39:30,066 GIVES A REPORT ON EARTH, "HEY, GOD. 1038 00:39:30,066 --> 00:39:32,066 "I JUST CHECKED ON THE HUMANS DOWN THERE. 1039 00:39:32,066 --> 00:39:34,734 "WE HAVE A PROBLEM. 1040 00:39:34,734 --> 00:39:37,633 "WELL, THEY'RE EATING EVERYTHING. 1041 00:39:37,633 --> 00:39:39,066 "NO, NOT THE PLANTS. 1042 00:39:39,066 --> 00:39:41,300 "LIKE, EVERY ANIMAL YOU EVER CREATED. 1043 00:39:41,300 --> 00:39:42,934 "REMEMBER HOW YOU THOUGHT THEY'D BE FRIENDS WITH THE COW? 1044 00:39:42,934 --> 00:39:47,066 THEY'RE NOT GETTING ALONG AT ALL." 1045 00:39:47,066 --> 00:39:48,867 WHAT'S WEIRD TO ME IS THAT WE ATE ALL THESE ANIMALS 1046 00:39:48,867 --> 00:39:50,333 AND THEN JUST STOPPED AT DOG AND CAT. 1047 00:39:50,333 --> 00:39:51,600 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 1048 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:53,767 RUN AROUND THE WHOLE PLANET, "NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA! 1049 00:39:53,767 --> 00:39:56,266 "NO, NO. 1050 00:39:56,266 --> 00:39:58,300 "NO. 1051 00:39:58,300 --> 00:40:02,066 "I'M GONNA TEACH THIS ONE SOME TRICKS. 1052 00:40:02,066 --> 00:40:05,200 YES, I AM. YES, I AM." 1053 00:40:08,133 --> 00:40:09,767 IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THIS COUNTRY 1054 00:40:09,767 --> 00:40:11,467 STARTS COOKING ITS PETS, DON'T YOU THINK? 1055 00:40:11,467 --> 00:40:15,133 HOW MANY NEW MEALS CAN TACO BELL POSSIBLY COME UP WITH? 1056 00:40:15,133 --> 00:40:16,266 REALLY? 1057 00:40:16,266 --> 00:40:17,667 THEY ARE ONE BAD IDEA AWAY FROM A KITTY-CHANGA. 1058 00:40:17,667 --> 00:40:19,667 DON'T YOU THINK? 1059 00:40:19,667 --> 00:40:21,166 THEY'RE PROBABLY ALREADY COOKING OUR PETS. 1060 00:40:21,166 --> 00:40:25,066 YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THAT CHIHUAHUA AROUND IN A WHILE, HAVE YOU? 1061 00:40:25,066 --> 00:40:26,500 I GO TO VEGAN RESTAURANTS WITH HER. 1062 00:40:26,500 --> 00:40:27,500 YOU EVER TRY THAT? 1063 00:40:27,500 --> 00:40:28,700 YOU EVER GO TO A VEGAN RESTAURANT? 1064 00:40:28,700 --> 00:40:30,633 OH, IT'S A BUMMER OF A NIGHT. 1065 00:40:30,633 --> 00:40:33,567 YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE, YOU GO TO A STEAK HOUSE. 1066 00:40:33,567 --> 00:40:36,000 PEOPLE ARE FILLED WITH JOY. 1067 00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:39,633 BEER AND WINE, PEOPLE SLASHING EACH OTHER WITH KNIVES, 1068 00:40:39,633 --> 00:40:41,867 BLOOD DRIPPING OFF YOUR CHIN. 1069 00:40:41,867 --> 00:40:43,700 EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING, POUNDING ON THE TABLES. 1070 00:40:43,700 --> 00:40:46,200 [hearty laugh] 1071 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,400 YOU GO TO A VEGAN RESTAURANT, NOBODY'S LAUGHING. 1072 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:52,633 THEY'RE SO WEAK, THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE THE BREATH. 1073 00:40:52,633 --> 00:40:55,700 [wheezing] 1074 00:41:00,467 --> 00:41:02,200 SHE'S GOT TWO CATS. LOVES 'EM TO DEATH. 1075 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:05,066 LOVES 'EM. ONE'S HEALTHY, ONE'S DIABETIC. 1076 00:41:05,066 --> 00:41:06,266 YEAH, A DIABETIC CAT. 1077 00:41:06,266 --> 00:41:08,066 THAT WASN'T EVEN A TERM TEN YEARS AGO. 1078 00:41:08,066 --> 00:41:13,233 THAT WAS CALLED "NEW CAT." 1079 00:41:13,233 --> 00:41:15,367 AND A HEALTHY CAT, DOES THAT EVEN EXIST? 1080 00:41:15,367 --> 00:41:18,700 ALL A CAT DOES IS EAT AND THEN ALMOST THROW UP ALL DAY LONG. 1081 00:41:18,700 --> 00:41:20,667 JUST WALKS AROUND THE HOUSE 24 HOURS A DAY... 1082 00:41:20,667 --> 00:41:23,367 [gagging] 1083 00:41:23,367 --> 00:41:26,700 WOULD YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH A HUMAN BEING THAT DID THIS? 1084 00:41:26,700 --> 00:41:32,600 EVER? "THAT WAS A REALLY GOOD MEA-- 1085 00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:34,667 "I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD. 1086 00:41:34,667 --> 00:41:38,734 WANT TO GO SEE THAT MOVIE? I WAS THINKING WE SHOULD--" 1087 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,734 THAT'S THE HEALTHY ONE. 1088 00:41:45,734 --> 00:41:48,100 THE OTHER ONE, $3,000 TO FIND OUT IT WAS A DIABETIC CAT. 1089 00:41:48,100 --> 00:41:49,367 3 GRAND. 1090 00:41:49,367 --> 00:41:50,667 AND WHEN THEY BRING IT BACK, IT'S NOT A HEALTHY CAT. 1091 00:41:50,667 --> 00:41:52,333 IT'S STILL A DIABETIC CAT. 1092 00:41:52,333 --> 00:41:54,266 WE HAVE TO GIVE IT SHOTS OF INSULIN IN ITS NECK 1093 00:41:54,266 --> 00:41:57,300 TWO TIMES A DAY, PUT PILLS ON THE END OF A STICK, 1094 00:41:57,300 --> 00:41:59,834 SHOVE IT DOWN ITS THROAT, FIRE 'EM IN THERE. 1095 00:41:59,834 --> 00:42:02,900 IT'S BITING AND PEEING ON US. 1096 00:42:02,900 --> 00:42:08,867 I WOULDN'T DO THIS TO KEEP MY WIFE ALIVE. 1097 00:42:08,867 --> 00:42:10,233 I WOULDN'T. I'D BE LIKE, 1098 00:42:10,233 --> 00:42:12,834 "BABY, WE HAD A GOOD RUN. WE REALLY DID. 1099 00:42:12,834 --> 00:42:15,734 "I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER YOU THIS WAY. 1100 00:42:15,734 --> 00:42:18,367 GET IN THE CARRIER. WE'RE GOING FOR A RIDE." 1101 00:42:23,166 --> 00:42:24,166 NOW THE KIDS WANT A DOG. 1102 00:42:24,166 --> 00:42:25,500 THEY WANT A DOG IN THE WORST WAY. 1103 00:42:25,500 --> 00:42:26,633 THEY'RE NOT GETTING A DOG. 1104 00:42:26,633 --> 00:42:27,867 I CAN'T HAVE ONE MORE THING IN THE HOUSE 1105 00:42:27,867 --> 00:42:28,934 THAT THINKS IT'S OKAY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM 1106 00:42:28,934 --> 00:42:30,166 ANYWHERE IT WANTS. 1107 00:42:30,166 --> 00:42:31,333 THE KIDS DO IT, THE CATS DO IT, MY WIFE DOES IT. 1108 00:42:31,333 --> 00:42:32,767 I CAN'T HAVE IT. 1109 00:42:32,767 --> 00:42:34,333 AND WHEN YOU'RE A KID AND YOU RUN BY IT, 1110 00:42:34,333 --> 00:42:35,367 YOU JUST, "AH!" 1111 00:42:35,367 --> 00:42:36,667 YOU HAVE TO PICK IT UP AS THE FATHER. 1112 00:42:36,667 --> 00:42:37,867 I DON'T EVEN USE TISSUE ANYMORE. 1113 00:42:37,867 --> 00:42:40,567 I JUST GRAB IT. "IS THIS ANYBODY'S? 1114 00:42:40,567 --> 00:42:45,300 ANYONE FORGET TO DO SOMETHING?" 1115 00:42:45,300 --> 00:42:46,500 ALL STARTED BECAUSE OUR NEIGHBORS 1116 00:42:46,500 --> 00:42:48,367 GOT THEIR KIDS A PIT BULL. A PIT BULL. 1117 00:42:48,367 --> 00:42:50,433 I'M LIKE, "DUDE, IT'S GONNA EAT YOUR KIDS." 1118 00:42:50,433 --> 00:42:53,967 HE'S LIKE, "YEAH, MAYBE." 1119 00:42:53,967 --> 00:42:56,266 GOOD POINT. 1120 00:42:56,266 --> 00:42:57,867 HE'S LIKE, "NO, DUDE. THEY DON'T WANT TO KILL. 1121 00:42:57,867 --> 00:42:58,900 "YOU HAVE TO TRAIN THEM TO KILL. 1122 00:42:58,900 --> 00:43:00,166 THEY DON'T WANT TO KILL." 1123 00:43:00,166 --> 00:43:01,734 NO, IT'S A PIT BULL. IT'S BUILT TO KILL. 1124 00:43:01,734 --> 00:43:03,800 IT'S WHOLE HEAD IS WALL-TO-WALL TEETH. 1125 00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:05,400 THEY DIDN'T PUT THE EYES IN THE RIGHT PLACE. 1126 00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:08,066 THEY'RE JUST SHOVED IN THE BACK LIKE AN AFTERTHOUGHT. 1127 00:43:08,066 --> 00:43:09,700 IT'S LIKE GOD WAS MAKING HIM AND HE WAS LIKE, 1128 00:43:09,700 --> 00:43:13,500 "WELL, EVERYTHING GETS EYES. 1129 00:43:13,500 --> 00:43:17,667 I DON'T KNOW WHY I MADE THAT." 1130 00:43:17,667 --> 00:43:19,834 SOME THINGS SHOULDN'T BE PETS, YOU KNOW? 1131 00:43:19,834 --> 00:43:21,667 I HAD A COLLEGE ROOMMATE, ONE OF THESE JACKASSES. 1132 00:43:21,667 --> 00:43:23,667 HAD A BOA CONSTRICTOR, 20-FOOT-LONG THING 1133 00:43:23,667 --> 00:43:25,066 IN A FISH TANK THIS BIG. 1134 00:43:25,066 --> 00:43:26,867 THING WAS SO PISSED OFF, EVERY TIME YOU WALKED BY, 1135 00:43:26,867 --> 00:43:28,166 IT'D TRY AND BITE YOU. 1136 00:43:28,166 --> 00:43:29,734 HE'S LIKE, "DUDE, YOU GOT TO BE COOL AROUND IT. 1137 00:43:29,734 --> 00:43:31,533 IT CAN SENSE YOUR FEAR." 1138 00:43:31,533 --> 00:43:34,467 "WELL, THEN GET IT THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" 1139 00:43:34,467 --> 00:43:37,533 WHO SENSES FEAR? THE DEVIL SENSES FEAR. 1140 00:43:37,533 --> 00:43:38,767 THAT'S NOT A PET. 1141 00:43:38,767 --> 00:43:40,867 GET ME A GOLDFISH. THAT'S A PET. 1142 00:43:40,867 --> 00:43:41,900 DOESN'T SENSE ANYTHING. 1143 00:43:41,900 --> 00:43:43,333 JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A DUMBASS. 1144 00:43:43,333 --> 00:43:45,967 "DUP-DA-DA-DUP!" 1145 00:43:45,967 --> 00:43:47,734 BIG THING OF FISH POOP HANGING OFF ITS BELLY 1146 00:43:47,734 --> 00:43:48,867 FOR WEEKS AT A TIME. 1147 00:43:48,867 --> 00:43:51,900 "DUP-DA-DA-DUP! 1148 00:43:58,200 --> 00:44:00,166 "NOT DEAD! NOT DEAD! 1149 00:44:00,166 --> 00:44:02,066 "I THOUGHT I WAS DEAD. I'M OKAY. 1150 00:44:02,066 --> 00:44:04,967 I'M OKAY. I'LL KEEP IT GOING." 1151 00:44:04,967 --> 00:44:10,633 [chuckles] 1152 00:44:10,633 --> 00:44:12,667 BUT AS MUCH AS I'M NOT INTO THE WHOLE ANIMAL THING, 1153 00:44:12,667 --> 00:44:14,333 I THINK HUNTING'S GOTTEN A LITTLE OUT OF HAND. 1154 00:44:14,333 --> 00:44:16,133 REALLY? MAN VERSUS ANIMAL? 1155 00:44:16,133 --> 00:44:18,166 AT THIS POINT, WE KICKED THEIR ASS PRETTY GOOD. 1156 00:44:18,166 --> 00:44:20,200 ISN'T IT OVER? REALLY? 1157 00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,367 I COULD SEE GOING AFTER SOMETHING THAT CAN KILL YOU. 1158 00:44:22,367 --> 00:44:23,767 RIGHT? MAKE IT EXCITING. 1159 00:44:23,767 --> 00:44:26,800 GOING AFTER A RHINO WITH A BALLPOINT PEN, YOU KNOW? 1160 00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:28,066 I WAS WATCHING THE HUNTING CHANNEL. 1161 00:44:28,066 --> 00:44:30,533 A GUY WAS GOING AFTER TURKEYS. TURKEYS. 1162 00:44:30,533 --> 00:44:33,166 NOT KILLER TURKEYS. NOT EVEN FLYING TURKEYS. 1163 00:44:33,166 --> 00:44:34,734 JUST GOOFY-ASS, WOBBLY LEG. 1164 00:44:34,734 --> 00:44:36,767 [squawks] 1165 00:44:36,767 --> 00:44:40,266 THIS JACKASS IS IN CAMOUFLAGE FROM HEAD TO TOE. 1166 00:44:40,266 --> 00:44:42,834 HE'S GOT A HIGH-TECH RIFLE. THAT'S ALL IN CAMOUFLAGE. 1167 00:44:42,834 --> 00:44:44,066 AND HE'S COMMENTING ON IT. 1168 00:44:44,066 --> 00:44:45,333 HE'S LIKE, "I HAD HIM IN MY SIGHTS, 1169 00:44:45,333 --> 00:44:47,166 BUT THEN HE GOT AWAY." 1170 00:44:47,166 --> 00:44:49,200 THEY SHOWED THE TURKEY "GETTING AWAY." 1171 00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:54,834 [squawking] 1172 00:44:54,834 --> 00:44:57,467 GET UP AND CHASE IT, YOU FAT BASTARD. 1173 00:44:57,467 --> 00:44:59,066 THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE MATCHING WITS WITH. 1174 00:44:59,066 --> 00:45:01,100 YOU'RE DRESSED AS A TREE WITH A GUN STICKING OUT. 1175 00:45:01,100 --> 00:45:02,667 THE STUPID BIRD'S HUMPING A PLASTIC DECOY 1176 00:45:02,667 --> 00:45:04,200 5 FEET AWAY. 1177 00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:05,734 WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRESS UP LIKE A TURKEY, 1178 00:45:05,734 --> 00:45:06,800 INVITE HIM INTO THE HOUSE? 1179 00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,066 [squawking] "THANKS A LOT! BWAH!" 1180 00:45:09,066 --> 00:45:10,300 OPEN THE OVEN. 1181 00:45:10,300 --> 00:45:13,333 "OH, POTATOES!" 1182 00:45:20,300 --> 00:45:22,834 JUST MEN. MEN WITH A LOT OF FREE TIME. 1183 00:45:22,834 --> 00:45:24,367 WE HAVE ALL THESE GREAT INSTINCTS TO KILL 1184 00:45:24,367 --> 00:45:26,567 AND HUNT AND DO ALL THIS STUFF AND NOW WE DON'T NEED 'EM. 1185 00:45:26,567 --> 00:45:30,467 WE HAVE ALL THIS TIME TO KILL. IT'S RIDICULOUS. 1186 00:45:30,467 --> 00:45:33,066 LIFE IS WEIRD. JUST GOES BY FAST, RIGHT? 1187 00:45:33,066 --> 00:45:34,333 I DON'T WANT TO GET OLD. 1188 00:45:34,333 --> 00:45:35,900 IT LOOKS CREEPY. OH! 1189 00:45:35,900 --> 00:45:37,233 DON'T YOU LOOK AT OLD PEOPLE LIKE THEY'RE 1190 00:45:37,233 --> 00:45:38,600 A WHOLE 'NOTHER SPECIES? 1191 00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:40,834 IT'S LIKE IT'S NEVER-- THERE'S NO CONNECTION TO YOU 1192 00:45:40,834 --> 00:45:42,100 AND OLD PEOPLE, YOU KNOW? 1193 00:45:42,100 --> 00:45:44,567 IT'S LIKE OSTRICHES, WHALES, OLD PEOPLE. 1194 00:45:44,567 --> 00:45:46,934 YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE THAT. IT'S GONNA BE YOU. 1195 00:45:46,934 --> 00:45:48,900 IT'S SO CREEPY. I WANT TO STOP-- 1196 00:45:48,900 --> 00:45:50,333 IF THERE'S ANYTHING I COULD TAKE-- 1197 00:45:50,333 --> 00:45:52,467 HUMAN GROWTH HORMONES, STEROIDS, WHATEVER YOU GOT-- 1198 00:45:52,467 --> 00:45:53,667 I WILL TAKE IT. 1199 00:45:53,667 --> 00:45:54,767 WHY SHOULD BASEBALL PLAYERS 1200 00:45:54,767 --> 00:45:56,066 BE THE ONLY ONES TAKING STEROIDS? 1201 00:45:56,066 --> 00:45:57,467 WHY? TO HIT A BASEBALL? 1202 00:45:57,467 --> 00:45:58,500 HOW ABOUT ME? 1203 00:45:58,500 --> 00:46:00,800 I GOT TO GET TO THE BANK AND BACK. 1204 00:46:00,800 --> 00:46:03,200 I NEED THREE NAPS A DAY. COME ON! 1205 00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:05,166 WHY ARE THESE GUYS-- OF COURSE THEY'RE ON STEROIDS. 1206 00:46:05,166 --> 00:46:07,367 PLEASE, OF COURSE THEY ARE. THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS. 1207 00:46:07,367 --> 00:46:08,934 THEY'RE NOT THAT DIFFERENT FROM YOU. 1208 00:46:08,934 --> 00:46:10,100 YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO? 1209 00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:12,500 THEY DO THINGS AT 37 THEY DON'T DO AT 27. 1210 00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:14,767 WHO HERE IS GETTING BETTER WITH AGE? 1211 00:46:14,767 --> 00:46:16,600 NOBODY. 1212 00:46:16,600 --> 00:46:20,734 THEY PLAY 162 GAMES IN A SUMMER, BACK-TO-BACK. 1213 00:46:20,734 --> 00:46:22,233 YOU EVER THROW A FRISBEE WITH YOUR FRIENDS 1214 00:46:22,233 --> 00:46:24,467 FOR, LIKE, 20 MINUTES? 1215 00:46:24,467 --> 00:46:25,633 YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING, 1216 00:46:25,633 --> 00:46:27,834 IT'S LIKE YOU WERE SHOT IN THE SHOULDER. 1217 00:46:27,834 --> 00:46:30,400 "WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO LAST NIGHT? 1218 00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:36,233 I CAN'T EVEN SCRATCH MY NOSE." 1219 00:46:36,233 --> 00:46:37,533 YOU KNOW WHEN I PULL MUSCLES NOW? 1220 00:46:37,533 --> 00:46:39,600 SLEEPING. SLEEPING! 1221 00:46:39,600 --> 00:46:42,066 I WAKE UP, EVERY MORNING'S LIKE A NEW ADVENTURE. 1222 00:46:42,066 --> 00:46:43,467 I JUST STAND AT THE FOOT OF MY BED 1223 00:46:43,467 --> 00:46:45,734 LIKE A NEWBORN GIRAFFE. 1224 00:46:45,734 --> 00:46:47,133 I'M ALL SHAKY AND WET. 1225 00:46:47,133 --> 00:46:49,900 I CAN'T SEE FOR THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES. 1226 00:46:49,900 --> 00:46:52,600 I USE MY LITTLE HOOVES TO SCURRY INTO THE BATHROOM. 1227 00:46:52,600 --> 00:46:55,200 I PEE NOW FIVE DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. 1228 00:46:55,200 --> 00:46:56,367 I DON'T EVEN AIM ANYMORE. 1229 00:46:56,367 --> 00:46:58,700 I JUST PEE AND CLEAN UP LATER. 1230 00:46:58,700 --> 00:47:00,433 IT'S AWFUL. 1231 00:47:00,433 --> 00:47:01,967 AND THEN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? JUST START WORKING OUT? 1232 00:47:01,967 --> 00:47:03,700 YOU CAN'T DO--YOU EVER SEE OLD DUDES WORKING OUT? 1233 00:47:03,700 --> 00:47:04,800 IT'S CREEPY. 1234 00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:06,467 WHY? STOP. IT'S NOT HELPING. 1235 00:47:06,467 --> 00:47:08,066 STOP IT. YOU'RE OLD. 1236 00:47:08,066 --> 00:47:09,333 STOP WORKING OUT. 1237 00:47:09,333 --> 00:47:10,667 YOU EVER SEE AN OLD MAN'S MUSCLES? 1238 00:47:10,667 --> 00:47:15,300 THEY LOOK LIKE CHICKEN CUTLETS IN SARAN WRAP. 1239 00:47:15,300 --> 00:47:16,900 SEE 'EM AT THE BEACH, TAKING THEIR SHIRT OFF, 1240 00:47:16,900 --> 00:47:18,233 "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THESE?" 1241 00:47:18,233 --> 00:47:19,834 "I THINK YOU LOOK LIKE A FEATHERLESS BIRD. 1242 00:47:19,834 --> 00:47:24,500 PUT YOUR SHIRT ON." 1243 00:47:24,500 --> 00:47:25,867 YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOT ME FREAKED OUT? 1244 00:47:25,867 --> 00:47:27,700 I SKYPE WITH MY PARENTS SO THEY CAN TALK TO MY KIDS 1245 00:47:27,700 --> 00:47:29,066 ON THE COMPUTER. 1246 00:47:29,066 --> 00:47:30,533 THAT'S A NIGHTMARE. THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA BECOME. 1247 00:47:30,533 --> 00:47:32,667 THEY'RE THERE IN THEIR HOUSE ALL BLINKY AND NERVOUS 1248 00:47:32,667 --> 00:47:33,967 AND BAD LIGHTING. 1249 00:47:33,967 --> 00:47:36,066 IT'S LIKE WATCHING A BAD HOSTAGE VIDEO. 1250 00:47:36,066 --> 00:47:37,834 IT'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE. 1251 00:47:37,834 --> 00:47:39,700 AND MY MOTHER THINKS THE CLOSER SHE GETS TO THE CAMERA, 1252 00:47:39,700 --> 00:47:41,200 THE BETTER WE CAN SEE HER. 1253 00:47:41,200 --> 00:47:42,900 SO SHE PUTS HER WHOLE HEAD UP THERE. 1254 00:47:42,900 --> 00:47:45,266 ON OUR SIDE, IT'S JUST THIS GIANT OLD EYEBALL 1255 00:47:45,266 --> 00:47:46,533 ON THE MONITOR. 1256 00:47:46,533 --> 00:47:48,734 THE KIDS ARE CRYING 'CAUSE A CYCLOPS 1257 00:47:48,734 --> 00:47:51,867 JUST ATE THEIR GRAMMY. 1258 00:47:51,867 --> 00:47:53,133 THEY'RE A MESS. 1259 00:47:53,133 --> 00:47:54,667 I DON'T EVEN LET 'EM WATCH MY KIDS ANYMORE. 1260 00:47:54,667 --> 00:47:55,967 YOU PUT OLD PEOPLE AND KIDS TOGETHER, 1261 00:47:55,967 --> 00:47:58,300 WHO'S WATCHING WHO? REALLY? 1262 00:47:58,300 --> 00:48:00,400 I TOOK 'EM ALL OUT TO EAT AT THE SAME TIME. 1263 00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:01,934 IT WAS LIKE GOING OUT WITH A PACK 1264 00:48:01,934 --> 00:48:03,567 OF DRUNKEN MONKEYS. 1265 00:48:03,567 --> 00:48:05,066 I HAD TO TREAT THEM ALL THE SAME. 1266 00:48:05,066 --> 00:48:06,200 ZIP 'EM ALL UP IN THEIR JACKETS. 1267 00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:07,633 GET 'EM READY FOR THE RIDE. 1268 00:48:07,633 --> 00:48:09,800 GIVE 'EM ALL A JUICE BOX JUST TO SHUT UP. 1269 00:48:09,800 --> 00:48:11,300 SOON AS YOU OPEN THE DOOR, THEY JUST SCATTER. 1270 00:48:11,300 --> 00:48:12,467 MY FATHER GOING ONE WAY. 1271 00:48:12,467 --> 00:48:14,300 THE KIDS GOING THE OTHER WAY. 1272 00:48:14,300 --> 00:48:15,834 WALK INTO THE RESTAURANT, IT'S ALL FILLED 1273 00:48:15,834 --> 00:48:17,133 WITH SILVERWARE AND GLASSES. 1274 00:48:17,133 --> 00:48:18,500 WE'RE NOT GONNA NEED ANY OF THIS. 1275 00:48:18,500 --> 00:48:20,200 NO. 1276 00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:21,633 JELL-O ALL AROUND. 1277 00:48:21,633 --> 00:48:25,700 EVERYBODY GETS A JELL-O. 1278 00:48:25,700 --> 00:48:27,667 IT'D BE GOOD IF YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHEN YOU WERE GONNA DIE. 1279 00:48:27,667 --> 00:48:29,300 THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST PLAN IT OUT, YOU KNOW? 1280 00:48:29,300 --> 00:48:30,467 THEY SHOULD GIVE YOU YOUR DEATH CERTIFICATE 1281 00:48:30,467 --> 00:48:32,567 AND YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE ON THE SAME DAY. 1282 00:48:32,567 --> 00:48:34,266 THEN THAT LAST YEAR, YOU COULD ENJOY YOURSELF. 1283 00:48:34,266 --> 00:48:38,367 "YEAH, GOOD LUCK, VISA. LIKE I'M PAYING THAT BILL." 1284 00:48:38,367 --> 00:48:40,300 EAT WHATEVER YOU WANT. "12:00! 1285 00:48:40,300 --> 00:48:44,767 "TIME FOR MY MAYONNAISE SMOOTHIE. 1286 00:48:44,767 --> 00:48:46,100 "WHAT'S THAT? I COULD BUY THIS WHOLE 1287 00:48:46,100 --> 00:48:48,934 "LIVING ROOM SET WITH NO PAYMENT TILL NEXT YEAR? 1288 00:48:48,934 --> 00:48:51,200 OH, REALLY?" 1289 00:48:51,200 --> 00:48:53,400 WRITE YOUR OWN OBITUARY THOUGH. THAT'S MY ADVICE. 1290 00:48:53,400 --> 00:48:54,633 DO IT NOW. MAKE IT SPECIAL. 1291 00:48:54,633 --> 00:48:55,667 DON'T LEAVE IT UP TO YOUR FAMILY. 1292 00:48:55,667 --> 00:48:56,934 THAT'D BE CREEPY. 1293 00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:58,633 YOU EVER READ A BAD OBITUARY? IT'S DEPRESSING. 1294 00:48:58,633 --> 00:49:01,166 "OLD HERBIE DIED TODAY AT 85. 1295 00:49:01,166 --> 00:49:04,800 HE REALLY LIKED PUZZLES." 1296 00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:05,934 MAKE IT UP. 1297 00:49:05,934 --> 00:49:07,233 "TOM DIED TODAY AT 85. 1298 00:49:07,233 --> 00:49:10,600 HE DISCOVERED PORTUGAL AND INVENTED PINEAPPLE JUICE." 1299 00:49:10,600 --> 00:49:12,400 WHO'S GONNA CHECK? 1300 00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:13,667 AND IF THEY DO, WHO'S GONNA HAVE THE BALLS 1301 00:49:13,667 --> 00:49:15,066 TO CALL YOU OUT ON IT? 1302 00:49:15,066 --> 00:49:16,633 "THIS GUY'S A LIAR!" 1303 00:49:16,633 --> 00:49:18,266 "DUDE, HE'S DEAD." 1304 00:49:18,266 --> 00:49:22,066 "UH-UH!" 1305 00:49:22,066 --> 00:49:23,467 BUT THAT'S THE WHOLE KEY TO LIFE. 1306 00:49:23,467 --> 00:49:25,333 FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE AND DRAG 'EM TO THE END WITH YOU. 1307 00:49:25,333 --> 00:49:26,567 THAT'S IT. 1308 00:49:26,567 --> 00:49:28,133 DON'T MAKE IT MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT. 1309 00:49:28,133 --> 00:49:30,700 JUST FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE AND DRAG 'EM TO THE END WITH YOU. 1310 00:49:30,700 --> 00:49:31,867 THAT'S IT. 1311 00:49:31,867 --> 00:49:33,433 AND YOU WANT TO MAKE YOUR RELATIONSHIP LAST? 1312 00:49:33,433 --> 00:49:35,967 LIE. LIE ALL THE TIME. 1313 00:49:35,967 --> 00:49:37,233 REALLY, JUST LIE. 1314 00:49:37,233 --> 00:49:38,734 YOU'RE A MAN AND A WOMAN TOGETHER. 1315 00:49:38,734 --> 00:49:40,166 YOU DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING THE OTHER ONE WANTS TO DO. 1316 00:49:40,166 --> 00:49:41,600 BUT DON'T BE MEAN ABOUT IT. DON'T TELL 'EM THAT. 1317 00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:42,800 JUST LIE. 1318 00:49:42,800 --> 00:49:44,700 "YOU WANT TO SHOP FOR CANDLES WITH ME TONIGHT?" 1319 00:49:44,700 --> 00:49:47,066 "SURE." 1320 00:49:47,066 --> 00:49:48,200 "YOU WANT TO HOLD UP THESE DRAPES 1321 00:49:48,200 --> 00:49:51,100 WHILE I FIGURE OUT THE COLORS... [gibberish]? 1322 00:49:51,100 --> 00:49:53,066 "OKAY." 1323 00:49:53,066 --> 00:49:54,200 WE WERE HERE IN THE CITY. 1324 00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:55,266 MY WIFE WANTED TO GO SEE A MUSICAL. 1325 00:49:55,266 --> 00:49:56,767 SHE KNOWS I HATE MUSICALS. 1326 00:49:56,767 --> 00:49:58,967 "DO YOU WANT TO GO SEE 'THE DROWSY CHAPERONE' TONIGHT? 1327 00:49:58,967 --> 00:50:01,400 THAT'D BE A FUN DATE NIGHT, RIGHT?" 1328 00:50:01,400 --> 00:50:03,867 "IT SURE WOULD." 1329 00:50:03,867 --> 00:50:05,066 I HATE MUSICALS. 1330 00:50:05,066 --> 00:50:06,600 BUT LUCKILY, A FRIEND OF MINE AT THE COMEDY CELLAR 1331 00:50:06,600 --> 00:50:08,333 HAD GIVEN ME A JOINT THE NIGHT BEFORE. 1332 00:50:08,333 --> 00:50:10,033 AND I DON'T SMOKE WEED ANYMORE, BUT I'M LIKE, 1333 00:50:10,033 --> 00:50:11,300 "WHO THROWS OUT A JOINT? 1334 00:50:11,300 --> 00:50:13,800 LET ME KEEP IT IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY." 1335 00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:15,233 I'M LIKE, "'THE DROWSY CHAPERONE'? 1336 00:50:15,233 --> 00:50:18,200 I THINK WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY." 1337 00:50:18,200 --> 00:50:19,467 SO I THROW IT IN MY POCKET. 1338 00:50:19,467 --> 00:50:20,867 I'M THINKING, "MAYBE I WON'T NEED IT," YOU KNOW? 1339 00:50:20,867 --> 00:50:21,967 BUT I GET UP THERE AND IT'S, LIKE, 1340 00:50:21,967 --> 00:50:23,166 ALL THE POSTERS ARE GOOFY. 1341 00:50:23,166 --> 00:50:27,367 THEY'RE LIKE... [mocking vocal tune] 1342 00:50:27,367 --> 00:50:29,800 THIS IS GONNA SUCK. 1343 00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:31,767 SO SHE GOES AND SITS DOWN. I SNEAK INTO THE MEN'S ROOM. 1344 00:50:31,767 --> 00:50:34,100 THIS IS TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE. A GROWN MAN. 1345 00:50:34,100 --> 00:50:35,200 I LOCK MYSELF IN THE STALL. 1346 00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:36,867 I SMOKE THE WHOLE THING. 1347 00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:39,400 MARIJUANA SMOKE-- ILLEGAL MARIJUANA SMOKE 1348 00:50:39,400 --> 00:50:43,500 JUST WAFTING OUT INTO A BROADWAY LOBBY. 1349 00:50:43,500 --> 00:50:44,834 BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING. 1350 00:50:44,834 --> 00:50:47,533 AT THE THEATER, I'M A WHITE GUY IN A SUIT. 1351 00:50:47,533 --> 00:50:49,467 THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN TO ME 1352 00:50:49,467 --> 00:50:52,266 IS SOME GUY APPROACHES, "SIR, DO YOU SMELL THAT?" 1353 00:50:52,266 --> 00:50:53,700 ALL I HAVE TO SAY? 1354 00:50:53,700 --> 00:50:56,200 "OUTRAGEOUS. 1355 00:50:56,200 --> 00:50:59,734 [laughter and applause] 1356 00:50:59,734 --> 00:51:03,200 "I HAVE A MUSICAL TO SEE. 1357 00:51:03,200 --> 00:51:07,400 "WHERE'S THE SNACK BAR? 1358 00:51:07,400 --> 00:51:10,800 I NEED SOME SOUR PATCH KIDS." 1359 00:51:10,800 --> 00:51:13,700 SO WENT IN AND WATCHED THE WHOLE STUPID-ASS "DROWSY CHAPERONE." 1360 00:51:13,700 --> 00:51:15,200 LOVED IT. HIGH AS A KITE. 1361 00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:17,066 LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. 1362 00:51:17,066 --> 00:51:18,967 I WAS SINGING IT THE WHOLE WAY HOME. 1363 00:51:18,967 --> 00:51:20,934 [singing] LA-DEE-DEE LA-DEE-DOO 1364 00:51:20,934 --> 00:51:22,200 AND SHE WAS SUSPICIOUS. 1365 00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:23,567 SHE SAID, "YOU SEEMED TO LIKE THAT A LITTLE TOO MUCH. 1366 00:51:23,567 --> 00:51:24,767 DID YOU GET HIGH?" 1367 00:51:24,767 --> 00:51:26,066 I LOOKED HER RIGHT IN THE EYE. 1368 00:51:26,066 --> 00:51:27,433 I TOLD HER EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR. 1369 00:51:27,433 --> 00:51:28,767 I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T GET HIGH. 1370 00:51:28,767 --> 00:51:31,367 I WAS JUST HAPPY BEING OUT WITH YOU." 1371 00:51:31,367 --> 00:51:33,834 SHE KNEW I WAS LYING, I KNEW I WAS LYING, 1372 00:51:33,834 --> 00:51:34,900 BUT WE WENT TO BED HAPPY. 1373 00:51:34,900 --> 00:51:36,333 THAT'S THE POINT. 1374 00:51:36,333 --> 00:51:38,400 IT'S THE SAME AS WHEN SHE SAYS MY LOVE HANDLES ARE CUTE. 1375 00:51:38,400 --> 00:51:40,500 THEY'RE NOT. THEY'RE CREEPY. 1376 00:51:40,500 --> 00:51:41,834 WHEN I'M JOGGING DOWN THE BEACH 1377 00:51:41,834 --> 00:51:43,600 AND I HAVE TWO BASSET HOUND CHEEKS FLAPPING OVER 1378 00:51:43,600 --> 00:51:45,967 THE SIDE OF MY SUIT... 1379 00:51:45,967 --> 00:51:48,233 SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO THROW UP. 1380 00:51:48,233 --> 00:51:49,834 BUT SHE LIES. 1381 00:51:49,834 --> 00:51:52,166 AND GUYS, YOU WIN IN THE WHOLE EQUATION. 1382 00:51:52,166 --> 00:51:53,433 YOU WIN. JUST DO IT. 1383 00:51:53,433 --> 00:51:54,867 YOU WIN IN THE WHOLE THING. 1384 00:51:54,867 --> 00:51:55,967 WOMEN, YOU HAVE TO BE WITH US. 1385 00:51:55,967 --> 00:51:57,967 YOU LOSE. I'M SORRY. 1386 00:51:57,967 --> 00:52:00,233 THAT'S WHY WE'RE WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. 1387 00:52:00,233 --> 00:52:01,600 WE TRIED LIVING WITH MEN OURSELVES. 1388 00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:03,166 IT'S AWFUL. RIGHT? 1389 00:52:03,166 --> 00:52:04,567 YOU GET OUT OF SCHOOL, "I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED. 1390 00:52:04,567 --> 00:52:05,600 "I'M GONNA LIVE WITH MY FRIENDS. 1391 00:52:05,600 --> 00:52:06,600 "IT'S GONNA BE GREAT. 1392 00:52:06,600 --> 00:52:07,867 WE'RE GONNA GET A HOUSE." 1393 00:52:07,867 --> 00:52:08,867 THESE ARE YOUR FRIENDS. 1394 00:52:08,867 --> 00:52:09,934 THEY STEAL YOUR MONEY, YOUR BOOZE, 1395 00:52:09,934 --> 00:52:11,200 SLEEP WITH YOUR WOMEN. 1396 00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:14,834 IT'S LIKE LIVING WITH PIRATES. IT'S AWFUL. 1397 00:52:14,834 --> 00:52:16,900 NO ONE CLEANS ANYTHING EVER. 1398 00:52:16,900 --> 00:52:18,633 THE BATHROOMS ARE LIKE A RAINFOREST. 1399 00:52:18,633 --> 00:52:22,300 IT'S JUST HARD TOWELS AND CURLY-HAIRED-COVERED SOAP. 1400 00:52:22,300 --> 00:52:24,467 AND YOU THINK IT'S A BATH MAT. 1401 00:52:24,467 --> 00:52:27,200 IT'S JUST A BED OF MUSHROOMS. 1402 00:52:27,200 --> 00:52:29,633 WOMEN ARE CLEAN AND SOFT AND SEXY. 1403 00:52:29,633 --> 00:52:31,934 WOMEN GET CLEAN WITH BODY WASH. 1404 00:52:31,934 --> 00:52:33,400 BODY WASH AND A LUFFA. 1405 00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:35,467 DING! 1406 00:52:35,467 --> 00:52:37,066 YOU CAN'T CLEAN A MAN WITH BODY WASH. 1407 00:52:37,066 --> 00:52:38,233 A HORRIBLE MAN. 1408 00:52:38,233 --> 00:52:39,900 WE NEED A BIG BRICK OF SOAP, 1409 00:52:39,900 --> 00:52:42,166 HOPEFULLY WITH PIECES OF ROCK IN IT. 1410 00:52:42,166 --> 00:52:45,066 ALL MOLE COVERED AND HAIRY AND NOT EVEN HAIR 1411 00:52:45,066 --> 00:52:46,300 LIKE A NICE BEAR EITHER. 1412 00:52:46,300 --> 00:52:50,066 WE'RE LIKE A SICK BEAR FROM CHERNOBYL. 1413 00:52:50,066 --> 00:52:52,066 ALL SPLOTCHY, BALD SPOTS, 1414 00:52:52,066 --> 00:52:55,600 LITTLE TWIZZLERS POKING OUT OF YOUR NIPPLES FOR NO REASON. 1415 00:52:55,600 --> 00:52:57,967 I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WOMEN LET US CLIMB ALL OVER YOU. 1416 00:52:57,967 --> 00:52:59,800 I REALLY DON'T. 1417 00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:03,300 I WOULD BE A LESBIAN FOR SURE. 1418 00:53:03,300 --> 00:53:04,533 I HAVE A FRIEND, HE ONLY HAS HAIR 1419 00:53:04,533 --> 00:53:05,934 FROM HIS WAIST DOWN. 1420 00:53:05,934 --> 00:53:08,066 UP HERE, HE'S LIKE THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY. 1421 00:53:08,066 --> 00:53:13,767 DOWN HERE, HE'S LIKE HALF-GOAT, HALF-MAN. 1422 00:53:13,767 --> 00:53:17,400 WALKING ON THE BEACH, "WHY'S EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?" 1423 00:53:17,400 --> 00:53:18,600 "I DON'T KNOW, PAN. 1424 00:53:18,600 --> 00:53:19,967 "THEY'RE PROBABLY FOLLOWING YOUR HOOF MARKS 1425 00:53:19,967 --> 00:53:22,300 "DOWN TO THE OCEAN'S EDGE. 1426 00:53:22,300 --> 00:53:23,600 WHY DON'T YOU PUT DOWN YOUR FLUTE FOR A MINUTE?" 1427 00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:26,667 [mimics playing flute] 1428 00:53:29,100 --> 00:53:30,533 AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT MY DAUGHTERS TO REALIZE. 1429 00:53:30,533 --> 00:53:32,133 YOU'RE POWERFUL. WOMEN HAVE ALL THE POWER. 1430 00:53:32,133 --> 00:53:33,767 THE ONLY TIME YOU GIVE UP YOUR POWER 1431 00:53:33,767 --> 00:53:35,100 IS WHEN YOU TRY AND BE PERFECT FOR MEN, 1432 00:53:35,100 --> 00:53:38,066 WHICH IS CRAZY, 'CAUSE MEN ARE CRAZY ABOUT YOU. 1433 00:53:38,066 --> 00:53:40,166 YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. TRUST ME. 1434 00:53:40,166 --> 00:53:41,400 YOU HAVE ENOUGH. 1435 00:53:41,400 --> 00:53:44,767 MEN ARE STARVING CREATURES CRAWLING ACROSS THE DESERT. 1436 00:53:44,767 --> 00:53:47,400 YOU ARE A 7-ELEVEN. 1437 00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:51,967 I GUARANTEE YOU WE WILL FIND SOMETHING ON YOU WE ENJOY. 1438 00:53:51,967 --> 00:53:54,233 THE BOOBS. THE HANG UP WITH THE BOOBS. 1439 00:53:54,233 --> 00:53:55,700 "MINE ARE TOO BIG." "MINE ARE TOO SMALL." 1440 00:53:55,700 --> 00:53:56,867 "ONE GOES UP. ONE GOES DOWN." 1441 00:53:56,867 --> 00:53:58,333 [gibberish] 1442 00:53:58,333 --> 00:53:59,667 THEY'RE BOOBS. WE DON'T HAVE 'EM. 1443 00:53:59,667 --> 00:54:03,867 YOU GOT 'EM. WE LIKE 'EM. 1444 00:54:03,867 --> 00:54:05,600 HOW'D YOU LIKE TO CARRY AROUND TESTICLES? 1445 00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:08,066 YOU THINK THAT'S A TREAT? 1446 00:54:08,066 --> 00:54:09,200 AT LEAST YOUR BOOBS DON'T START OFF 1447 00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:12,934 LOOKING LIKE AN OLD MAN'S ELBOW. 1448 00:54:12,934 --> 00:54:14,667 AT LEAST WHEN YOU'RE LAYING THERE NAKED AND LOOK DOWN, 1449 00:54:14,667 --> 00:54:17,433 THEY'RE NOT JUST MOVING AROUND ON THEIR OWN. 1450 00:54:17,433 --> 00:54:20,333 RIGHT, FELLAS? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 1451 00:54:20,333 --> 00:54:22,100 YOU'RE LAYING THERE, YOU LOOK DOWN, BUT NOTHING'S MOVING. 1452 00:54:22,100 --> 00:54:25,734 FOR SOME REASON, THE BOYS ARE, "HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? 1453 00:54:25,734 --> 00:54:31,533 ARE WE GOING OUT TONIGHT? I HAVEN'T HEARD." 1454 00:54:31,533 --> 00:54:33,100 AND WE'RE DUMB. MEN ARE DUMB. 1455 00:54:33,100 --> 00:54:34,333 I'M DUMB. 1456 00:54:34,333 --> 00:54:35,567 I GOT LOST IN MY CAR THE OTHER NIGHT 1457 00:54:35,567 --> 00:54:36,867 WITH MY GPS SYSTEM. 1458 00:54:36,867 --> 00:54:38,233 AND I REALIZED WHY. 1459 00:54:38,233 --> 00:54:40,800 AND THIS IS TOTALLY SEXIST AND WRONG, SO I APOLOGIZE. 1460 00:54:40,800 --> 00:54:43,934 BUT IT'S A FEMALE VOICE ON THE NAVIGATION SYSTEM. 1461 00:54:43,934 --> 00:54:46,867 I DON'T TRUST HER. 1462 00:54:46,867 --> 00:54:48,166 I DON'T. I LIKE HER. 1463 00:54:48,166 --> 00:54:49,834 I'M TURNED ON BY HER. 1464 00:54:49,834 --> 00:54:51,867 SHE HAS AN ENGLISH ACCENT. SHE SAYS THINGS LIKE, 1465 00:54:51,867 --> 00:54:52,967 [English accent] "IN A 1/4 MILE, 1466 00:54:52,967 --> 00:54:54,533 EXIT THE MOTORWAY." 1467 00:54:54,533 --> 00:54:57,333 "OH, YOU'RE ADORABLE. 1468 00:54:57,333 --> 00:54:59,867 BUT I'M GOING STRAIGHT." 1469 00:54:59,867 --> 00:55:01,100 THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. 1470 00:55:01,100 --> 00:55:03,967 I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME. 1471 00:55:03,967 --> 00:55:07,900 THANK YOU. 1472 00:55:07,900 --> 00:55:09,834 THANK YOU SO MUCH. 1473 00:55:09,834 --> 00:55:15,834 [cheers and applause] 1474 00:55:15,834 --> 00:55:18,567 [upbeat swing music] 1475 00:56:50,767 --> 00:56:52,767 [laughter] 1476 00:56:52,767 --> 00:56:55,233 - THAT IS SO FUNNY. 101535