Original subtitles

[? dramatic theme playing]

-[spacecraft whooshes] -[? soft, mysterious music playing]

[roars]

[spacecraft crashes]

-[shouting in gibberish] -[lasers firing]

[dinosaur growls]

[alien screams]

[woman] Love your ancient alien necklace.

Is that from Rural Outfitters?

As if, you barn wench.

This is an ancient Protoshlorpian,

and it was a gift from my virile hunk of a husband,

the author everyone's here to see.

[gasps] You're married to T.S. Opposites?

Of Lace and Fear changed my life.

I came out as druidsexual because of book two, chapter three.

That's chapter four, you fake fan.

-[lights clang] -[woman gasps]

Who's ready to pre-order the third book in my trilogy...

Of Lust and Chamomile?

-[audience cheering] -[corks pop]

[squeals] I love you, T.S. Opposites!

You see that, idiots? That's my man up there!

Oh, yeah! Die jealous, you little bitches!

My husband's the best romantasy author.

All the others suck!

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

What is with doing laundry?

On Shlorp, we never cleaned clothes.

We smelled like grease, and everyone hated it,

but, well, I-I'm not sure where I was going with this.

I guess I've answered my own question.

[? dramatic music swells]

-[people cheering] -[Korvo and Terry kissing, moaning]

You crushed it, king.

Hey, it's all for you, the reps, and the big JC.

Yes, NSYNC's JC Chasez remains our greatest inspiration.

Will you be home for dinner tonight?

T.S., how's 7:00 p.m. tomorrow for the Oprah sit-down?

Do you want the salmon or the charred eel for your flight to Booking Man next week?

W-when will we get to see the manuscript?

[kiss smacks] I'll call you later, babe.

Love you. Don't work too hard.

Yes to Oprah, but make sure Gayle doesn't third wheel us again.

Charred eel on chard, and you'll get the manuscript

when I'm happy with it, but trust me,

-it's gonna blow ya minds! -[all cheer]

-Yes! Still got it! -Good!

Hello, T.S. Nope-o-sites.

I heard the crowd for your announcement was moderate.

Tobin Pierce.

Heard your crowd didn't exist,

because the only romantasy anyone wants to read is mine.

Bet you're regretting releasing your next book

the same day as me.

Well, I guess I would be,

if I hadn't just landed Robbio von Cleet

-as my cover model. -[all gasp]

Robbio is the hottest cover boy in the biz.

His shirtless pics on a book guarantee a bestseller.

He's not that hot!

Robbio is all mine.

He's going to make The Nightingale, The Wick, and the Iron Trellis

a big fat hit.

Is that your book title, or what you call

the last three hairs on your sack?

That's three more hairs than you've ever had, you slut.

Have fun being a Kindle single,

if you're lucky.

When I'm done with you, they won't even carry your trash

at Hudson Books.

-[all gasp] -[Tobin laughing]

Don't worry, T. Only people with books that suck

need Robbio von Cleet.

Shut your skinny Ozempic face, Paula!

Robbio's hotter than a big hot hottie.

I cannot let him bounce book three from the top spot!

Put feelers out to Robbio's people

and Google, "Does Rogaine work on aliens" right fucking now!

[school bell ringing]

Keep up, staff. We're doing a Sorkin-style walk and talk.

If we come up with any quips or policy, write it down.

Us being the best students in school has to be the biggest rebranding

since John Krasinski went from pudgy Jim Halpert

to jacked Jack Ryan.

And now that we're co-class presidents,

we co-own this shit!

I'm so high off our power,

I haven't had to do my breathing exercises in weeks!

Four more years! Four more years!

You got it, dumb jock!

Yeah! Could life get any better?

Once we raise the money to replace

the crappy metal bleachers with fancy concrete,

our names will be forever immortalized on a plaque!

Oh-ho-ho! Nothing beats seeing your name in brass!

Ooh, boy! It gets me hot.

Ahoy, my star students.

How goes the fundraiser?

Need me to do some light fraud?

No, thank you. We'll dupe people out of their money

with the classic power of charisma.

Let me lay it out for ya.

Get those cement bleachers,

I'll assign you the ultra-exclusive student parking spot

right in front of the school!

-[all gasp] -Wait, I have a car!

We gotta make this happen!

Our walking days could be over!

Our step counts are gonna be under 5,000.

Mr. and Mrs. Co-Presidents? Uh, we have a problem.

-Is it Cuba? -Worse.

I hired a consulting firm to analyze

student Snapchat trends re: the bleachers.

The school bullies are gonna disrupt the fundraiser!

-What? -Why do they wanna screw us like this?

The bullies use the space under the bleachers

to do their bully stuff.

Smoking, littering, bending people's arms back.

There's no space under concrete to be delinquent.

If those muscle maniacs think we give a toot

about their bully bullshit, they got another thing coming!

There's no way we're letting that fundraiser fail!

Assemble the council.

We're dealing with this head-on!

[typewriter keys clacking]

"The druid let the alien lick his long, pointy ear."

No. No, no, no. "Lick his floppy dork!"

-Yes! Yes! -Knock, knock.

Arnold Palmers and crust-less BLTs

for the hardest-working writer in the biz.

Babe! Careful with my manuscript!

Only one copy since I famously use a typewriter

because I like how it messes up all the time.

-[knocking on door] -Hello, my favorite writer.

I've got the best news.

Robbio hasn't officially signed with Tobin.

We can still get him for your cover!

Yes! Time for T.S. to squirm his way in!

Robbio's from Quincy, Massachusetts,

and like everyone there, he loves cussing.

Not normal swears like you'd find on a Metro Boomin album.

Next level shit.

So what are we talking? Stuff like "clunty dumb-butt"?

Stop, you're embarrassing yourself.

Clunty dumb-butt's nothing compared to how Robbio talks.

Last year on The View, he called Joy Behar

a [bleep] and a [bleep].

Okay, that's crazy!

We've never had to use bleeps before!

He'll do our cover if we show him that you can swear as dirty as he can.

I could do that! One time, I got kicked out of a Color Me Mine

for calling a little girl a [bleep] whore!

Robbio's releasing three new never-before-heard curse words

at a gala tomorrow.

You gotta make your move there.

Tomorrow? That's so soon. But I'll [bleep] try.

What are you, Canadian? Better juice up that profanity.

You've got only 24 hours to get explicit.

Don't mind me, just some homemade acai bowls

with Cheez-Its crumbles.

Thanks, K. Can you give us the room?

We have a lot to get through and not a lot of time to do it.

Oh, so proud of you two.

-Pupes and I will let you work. -Here's the plan.

There's a crucial vote coming up

at the gathering of the school bullies.

They're calling it the Wooly Bully.

The bullies have to vote on whether or not

to disrupt our fundraiser for the cement bleachers.

Those dickbags might hand out swirlies and wedgies,

but they operate by a strict moral code.

If it isn't a unanimous yes, they can't act.

One of us has to go undercover as a bully

and spoil the vote.

Jesse has the more bully-shaped head,

so I think she could blend in a little better.

Can't argue with that.

My head's just shaped like a dolphin's dick.

This is a highly volatile and dangerous situation.

As my co-president, I'm gonna need you

in the surveillance van talking me through it.

I got you, girl! Van life rules!

I'm co-all over that shit!

And then I said if Kevin's wife thinks I stole her manicurist,

she can bloody well talk to me about it.

[AISHA] Honey, I'm sorry, but have you seen her nails?

Debbie's a manicurist, not God.

[both laughing]

-[AISHA] Oh, Pupa's purring. -[purring]

I think it's 'cause of all the extra time you've spent taking care of him.

Terry's a world-famous novelist,

the replicants are dominating at school,

and I'm the ultimate alien tradwife.

[AISHA] And the ship's never looked better.

The Fusion Core is so shiny.

The Goocleus hasn't been this clean since we first landed.

And also, did you wax the Pretendo Deck?

Oh, yeah. And that's not the only thing I waxed.

Talkin' about my mound!

-[both laugh] -[AISHA] You nasty, Korvo.

You know you nasty.

[Terry] Attention, old people!

I know retirement homes are where the nastiest, gnarliest,

often racially loaded curse words get tossed around.

I'm beefing up my lexicon, so what have you got?

I already know butt, dingle, and nard farker.

Why don't you shove your drippy [bleep] in my [bleep] stained [bleep]?

Ugh, that was disgusting.

Keep going! Shower me in your filth, you olds!

-[punches thudding] -Darn! Dang!

Come on, kid! I want you [bleep] lightning and [bleep] thunder.

Oh, wow. Oh, my stars.

This mother [bleep] with his [bleep] egg salad

facing [bleep] with [bleep] that [bleep] [bleep]

my [bleep] hole.

Bitch! [panting]

Asshole! [bleep]

Sticky little [bleep] in my [bleep] socket!

That's it, kid! You're [bleep] doing it!

[Terry panting]

Robbio von Cleet, I'm coming for your [bleep] [bleep]

ass [bleep] bitch [bleep] you

[bleep] legged [bleep]!

[? tense music playing]

[bullies chattering]

The eagle has landed.

I'm the eagle, in case that wasn't clear before.

[bully leader] Everyone shut up or I'll piss on your lunch!

Us bullies have been pushed out of public spaces for years.

No one carries cash anymore,

and the fatties are intermittent fasting.

Our last refuge is under the bleachers.

If they go concrete, we're fucked!

Oh, geez, these bullies mean business!

I urge you to vote yes on measure F,

as in Fugly Mom, which I heard your mom is.

[bullies cheering]

[clears throat] Uh, I've been bullying

in, um, Spain as an exchange bully.

Can I ask a question?

Spit it out, noob!

Hey! She ain't the only new bully in town.

[Jesse gasps]

What are you doing here?

This is too important to rely on one vote!

I'm your bully backup!

-Then who's in the van? -Don't worry.

I have it covered.

-[JK Sevens beeping] -[crashing]

-[flames whooshing] -[beeping] Uh-oh.

-[? classical music playing] -[people chattering]

[fan whirring]

Remember your training.

[bleep]

How dare you show your face here?

Robbio's concave abs are committed to me.

It ain't over till those pecs hit the printer, bitch!

Don't you mean [bleep] pecs at the [bleep]?

-[Terry yelps] -Oh, did I shock you?

You did! Oh, wow, Robbio!

You're even more cover modelly in person than I expected!

Look at that clavicle.

You ready to whore [bleep] this cover shoot?

[bleep] yes, please.

Damn! You sound like my [bleep] aunt back in Quincy.

T.S. Opposites, right?

Excited to see what your third book is, [bleep] wad.

I'll bet your dead dad has

a big old juicy [bleep] squirting [bleep].

-What did you say to me? -[? tense music playing]

Uh, [bleep]

and that your dad's body is [bleep].

That...

was [bleep] amazing!

Ignore this guy, Robbio.

You've already got a cover.

I thought I did, but to choose,

I think we need to have a good old-fashioned swear war!

-[all cheering] -Whoever can talk with the dirtier mouth

will win my heart!

Wow, he didn't curse.

[bleep]

Spoke too soon.

[Korvo humming]

[gasps] The Pupa terraformed his Pack 'n Play!

Lookin' good!

-I am so proud of you! -Yay!

Who's a little supercomputer?

Yes, you are. Yes, you are!

[AISHA] If the Pupa has started to terraform Earth,

that means the mission is almost complete.

Do you think we can get him to terraform faster?

[AISHA] Why? You don't wanna rush him.

Hmm, you're right.

I guess he's just evolving faster because I'm such a good--

Ooh.

Why's he staring at my necklace?

[AISHA] Damn, that Protoshlorpian is stuffed full

of home world DNA.

No wonder the Pupa's so hopped up.

-It is? -[AISHA] Oh, yeah,

we better keep it away from him or it could supercharge his--

Eat necklace!

[gulps]

-He'll be fine, right? -[AISHA] No!

That could overload his evolution!

Oh, please, last week he drank a Wing Stop coffee,

-and he survived that. -[Pupa grunting]

-[Pupa roars] -[? tense music playing]

-[AISHA] Oh, no! -[yelps] What the hell?

Pupa, stop that!

If our new bullies here wanna be voting members

of the community, they'll have to undergo initiation.

Hell yeah!

I bully anytime, even on weekends and holidays!

[board creaks]

[Kenny grunting]

Kenny Checkers?

We can't bully him, he's our friend!

-We gotta! -This is why I needed you in the van!

Just gotta prove your bully-fides by twisting his nips till he gives you

-his Sephora loyalty card. -[Kenny whimpering]

Or just cut his ear off.

-Same diff. -[muffled gasping]

-Oh, no. No, no, no. -Just hold still, Kenny.

This is gonna hurt us more than it hurts you.

Except for the whole cleaving of your ear thing.

That is gonna sting.

-[ground rumbling] -[Yumyulack gasps]

[all screaming]

[Pupa grunting]

[Pupa screams]

Your orange juice is [bleep],

and it smells like [bleep] with [bleep] on it.

Mad Max Fury [bleep].

You gonna let him get away with that?

Try on some Shlorpian cussing!

[speaking Shlorpian] [bleep] [bleep]

[speaking Shlorpian] [bleep].

Swearing from beyond the stars?

-Terry wins! -[all cheering]

[all screaming]

[ground rumbling]

-Oh, hell! This can't be good! -[all scream]

-[horn honking] -[car crashes]

[? intense music playing]

[crystals crashing]

[JK Sevens beeping]

-[flames whoosh] -[beeping] Uh-oh.

[elevator whooshes]

What in Shlorpian hell is happening out in these streets?

I was six seconds away from getting Robbio von Cleet

to bear his breastesses on my cover!

And we were so close to saving our fundraiser

so we could get a tight spot for Jesse's car!

I don't know. I've just been cleaning and taking care of the house.

-Classic tradwife stuff. -[Jesse, Terry, and Yumyulack gasp]

Uh, yeah, the Pupa does look a little zilla now.

-[computer beeping] -Holy rollin' scrotum!

Those are the crystals that interrupted the Wooly Bully!

Cr�me br�l�e, anyone?

The ramekins are edible!

Do not try to distract us with edible ramekins!

-Give me that! -[all eating noisily]

Why's the Pupa's Pack 'n Play terraformed?

While you guys have been off being fabulous,

I've been in my tradwife era, raising the Pupa.

That's why he's doing so great.

-[Pupa grunts] -[crystals crashing]

[AISHA] I told your ass not to feed him that alien necklace! Didn't I?

The alien necklace I gave you?

Or a new one that has nothing to do with me?

I didn't feed it to him!

But I also didn't rip it away when he got it.

[all screaming]

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

That's why all these crystals are popping up everywhere?

[AISHA] Duh! They're geologic tenderizers.

When a Pupa's gonna terraform, they soften the planetary crust

to help with the process!

See? It has nothing to do with me.

[AISHA] That's not true, and you know it!

That necklace amped the Pupa up!

-[yelps] Cut it out, Pupa! -[AISHA] He can't!

With the supercharge of the ancient alien,

the whole planet is gonna be fucked up in an hour!

No! We [bleep] love Earth!

We almost got our good parking spots!

We will not go quietly into the night!

This terraforming is happening because of my hard trad work.

Nobody ever complains about your academics,

or your writing career.

Our careers don't impale the neighbors!

I'm not letting you take this away from me!

-Pupa, you keep terraforming! -[both grunt]

I'm going in and getting that necklace!

[all grunting]

[liquid splashes]

No, fuck that!

Pupa, you're coming with me.

[Korvo grunts]

-[people screaming] -Get back here, Korvo!

Give us the Pupa!

No! He's just doing this for the mission!

Leave us alone!

[Korvo yelps]

[crystals crashing]

-[explosion booms] -[people screaming]

[all screaming]

[panting]

[gasps]

[crystals crashing]

[grunts, yelps]

-[gasps] -[liquid splashes]

Oh, come on!

[Pupa yelps]

This [bleep] [bleep] cake thinks he can outrun me?

Your new cussing is offending and impressing me!

-Thanks, queen! -[Yumyulack grunting]

I'll get it, you stupid...

[Yumyulack screams]

[Korvo grunts]

Ha, ha! I'm king of the crystals! Suck it!

[grunting]

Oh, shit, I'm swinging here!

[grunts]

[Korvo] [panting] No!

You shall not pass, bitch!

-[Korvo laughing] -[Jesse grunting]

[all yelp]

-[Terry gasps] -Pupa, don't move!

-That's the only copy of my manuscript! -[Pupa roaring]

[Yumyulack straining]

[Pupa screams]

-[papers rustling] -No, no! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

No!

It's ruined!

It's okay, we'll fix this!

We can put this part together with this one and-and then maybe--

All that work, gone! For what?

Terry, my love, I'm sorry.

I know how hard you worked,

and the whole world was so ready to consume it,

and I've ruined it.

I'm a bad husband.

I was trying to be as busy and important as you.

Everyone in this family has so much,

and I've got nothing.

-[Pupa belches] -[Yumyulack yelps]

Did Korvo already apologize and beg for forgiveness?

Nope, he's doing it now.

I used to have Main Character Energy,

and now I'm non-union extra at best.

When I saw the opportunity to get the Pupa to terraform more quickly,

I thought it was a chance for me to flourish

just like you. [yelps]

Oh, I'm so sorry for screwing over your successful lives.

Oh, babe.

The only reason we're successful is because of you.

-Really? -You think Yum and I would have

the confidence to be bad-ass class presidents

without your support?

I didn't realize you needed me.

You're our leader, Korvo.

You always will be.

Oh, it feels good to hear that.

Wish we had talked about this

before you destroyed the planet, huh, big guy?

[Jesse] Earth was great while it lasted.

[Yumyulack] It's the only planet with deep dish pizza.

[Terry] Earth has Sarahs, Jessicas, Parkers,

and one mythical lady who's a combo of all three.

I'll never forget skorts.

All of our advanced technology, but they got us with that one.

Where are you going?

To stop this terraforming once and for all!

But it's your purpose in life!

Well, then fuck me, because my family loves Earth,

and I love my family!

[? dramatic music playing]

[AISHA] It's happening! Earth is about to terraform,

and it's all because of your hard trad work!

-Not today, AISHA! -[AISHA] Yes, today!

I just said it's happenin' now.

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing with that big-ass stick?

I have to destroy the Goocleus!

[AISHA] But without it, the Pupa will never have

the Goocleotides he needs to fully terraform!

I know, but that's okay.

I have to give up a piece of myself so this family can flourish.

[AISHA] If you break that Goocleus, there's no turning back!

The Pupa can never terraform,

no matter how much he evolves.

But the Pupa would be okay, right?

It wouldn't hurt the little guy?

[AISHA] He'll be exactly the same.

He just can't trigger final terraformation.

-So the mission as we know it... -[AISHA] Would be over.

Suck it, mission!

I'm canceling the apocalypse!

[Korvo yells]

That was from Pacific Rim.

-[AISHA] Still a lame-ass reference. -No, it was cool.

[loud rumbling]

-[all gasp] -[Pupa groans]

[crystals whooshing]

[? gentle music playing]

Korvo, the crystals are gone!

You did it!

This trad alien has saved the Earth,

from a thing I technically caused.

But what are you gonna do without the mission?

Isn't it kinda like your whole thing?

It just means my mission won't be about

destroying the planet, but living on it.

Free from my preordained path.

So we can just have fun!

Ah, I love that for us.

I'm excited to find my own Earth purpose, just like you guys.

That means you, too, Pupa.

You can choose any new purpose you want.

What's it gonna be, Pupes?

F-[bleep]-bal!

Yeesh, okay. Yeah, that's on me.

-I'll pull back on the swearing. -Mother-[bleep]!

-[Jacqueline] Cheers! -Bravo! The numbers are in.

Of Lust and Chamomile is your biggest seller yet.

Gotta say, the first version that got destroyed really sucked ass.

This new one was way better

without all the Nosferatus I tried to wedge in before.

I guess we didn't need Robbio on the cover after all.

Not with the red-hot model we went with instead.

[? soft, sultry music playing]

-Well, look who's home early. -[Pupa snoring]

Yeah, 'cause of our sick new parking spot!

It shaves a full five minutes off the commute.

So you defeated the bullies?

Compromised. We gave them a designated assault area.

-[punches thudding] -[bully grunting]

Hey, nerd! Get in here so I can steal your robots!

-No, thanks, I'm good! -God, if I didn't live my life

by a strict moral bully code,

I'd come out there and kick your ass!

[AISHA] After that terraforming fiasco, I need a massage.

Girl, you and me both.

AISHA, look! A Goocleus remnant!

I thought it was totally gone!

[AISHA] I guess not.

With some time, the Goocleus can probably self-repair,

and maybe we can get back on track with the mission.

-[Korvo grunts] -[AISHA] Oh, damn, you really meant it.

That's right. No more terraforming mission.

From now on, the Solar Opposites do what they want!

[elevator whooshes]

[AISHA glitching]

[AISHA] [menacing voice] Transmitting error code 8798915.

[normal voice] The fuck was that?

Probably just gas.

[? slow, tense music playing]

??

[? dramatic music playing]

[machine beeping]

[AISHA] Transmitting error code 8798915.

Sir, looks like one of the Shlorpian teams

in sector 5567 deactivated its Goocleus.

They can't terraform anymore!

We can't have Shlorpians just enjoying life

without destroying the planet,

or they could tell the other teams and ruin the whole thing!

-So what do we do? -We just have to kill them.

[both laughing maniacally]

[grunting] Gold HQ?

This is Undercover Agent Charger.

We've got these silver bastards right where we want 'em.

[water splashes]

Also, I took a shit in their toilet and I'm not gonna flush it.

[? dramatic theme playing]

??

[mimicking laser fire]

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