Original subtitles

[? dramatic theme playing]

[birds chirping]

[? elegant music playing]

Oh...

[? flute playing]

-[door slams open] -My Lord, we just captured this rogue

trespassing in the Royal Forest.

He came from the Dark Lands.

'Tis forbidden to cross the border to the Fae Realm.

Whost dareth?

I dareth!

By the gods, I never knew a non-Fae could be so beautiful.

Right back at you, you big naughty fairy. [giggles]

[gasps]

My Lord, Fae Law demands

trespassers be decapitated immediately.

You ain't decapitating shit, you Spock ass-lookin' bitch.

[? epic music playing]

He has a lightning cutlass!

-Wah! -[flesh squelching]

Bollocks, Terry, did you fall asleep reading on the toilet again?

No, no, no, I was pooping. Dropping a deuce.

Busting a growler, taking a big old American dump.

Everybody knows we don't have buttholes.

I bet you were dreaming of being

in those ridiculous romantasy books again.

I wasn't asleep.

I was just making sure all 12

of my inner eyelids touch when I close them.

Get up! We're going to be late for Kevin's stupid dinner party thing,

which he's texted me an embarrassing number of reminders about.

Give me two minutes.

I'm at a sex scene, and I want to see

how heavy this guy's balls are.

Why do we even have a bathroom?

Well, it's the best place to read books and shampoo bottles.

You want a Dos Equis?

Ugh, fine.

[doorbell rings]

Terry, Korvo, welcome to Casa de Kevin-o!

Kev-dog, I brought a five-pack of Sydney Sweeney Sweet Tea.

It was a six-pack, but I got no impulse control,

so I chugged one on the 25-second walk over.

And I brought you this banner.

Quora said to bring a gift, and I found it in a dumpster.

Um, okay, thanks.

I will help you hang it immediately.

Where are your drywall anchors?

And to end the last book on such a cliffhanger!

What will happen to Jaztopher's pendant?

Wait, are you talking about

the Realm of Satin and Swords by J.Q. Pringle?

We're obsessed.

I love romantasy!

It's got twice the adjectives than any other genre.

Chapter 50, where Cassandra and Grimoire met? So cute.

How their hands touched when they both reached for the lamb shank?

[all swoon]

Reminds me of how Herb and I met.

Spill it, sister!

We were randomly on the same plane to Allentown.

Herb bribed the flight attendant so he could sit with me.

We were in love by the time we landed.

Aw, I love that for you! Just north of stalker behavior.

Kevin and I met when we got locked in the same bathroom at Cabela's.

I thought it was one of those all-gender bathrooms,

but Cabela's went to the Supreme Court to prevent that.

Aw! I bet it smelled like ammunition and piss.

How did you and Korvo meet?

Oh, it was...

It was pretty standard. Just normal.

-Just a normal way. -What? I love how we met.

Back on the home world, I was designated

as mission participant 658942,

and Terry was mission participant 658943!

Honey, no one wants to hear this.

Our numeric propinquity made us teammates.

So your numbers were close?

That's not romantic at all.

That's right, wives of men. As passionless as you can get.

I-I have to go! I left a sirloin defrosting in my toilet!

I am leaving also.

I would come up with an excuse,

but, really, I just hate this stuff

and I hate being around all of you.

Give me back my banner!

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why is everyone so impressed with Shakespeare?

"Hark" and "forsooth." Human theater sucks!

Talk to me after you've watched

Zorzacks blow the roof off the Shlorpocenter

with a closing monologue of "All the Little Creebies."

Now that's a play!

[? dramatic music swells]

Rewrote our opening mock statement last night.

Jesse, the mock trial starts in a few hours.

Wanted to try a new mock approach.

Shit, this is good. Really good.

This is county high school mock trial championships.

We got to crush it.

Let's go over the mock case [grunts] one more time.

Today, we're mock representing the Dave Matthews Band.

While our rivals, North Shore Charter,

will be mock representing the passengers

of the Chicago River Boat Tour.

Mr. Matthews and bandmates are accused

of dumping the contents of their bus's septic tank

through the Kinzie Street Bridge.

Gallons of fetid pee and ploppers

rained down on these victims,

whose boat was traveling in the river below.

A veritable Kevin James amount of jam band-grade human waste

got in their eyes, mouths, and ears.

There was no space between for them to escape.

The passengers are mock suing the band

for extreme physical and emotional distress,

plus $10 for the boat tickets.

This was a real court case from 2004! Look it up!

-What the hell was that? -It's gonna be tough today.

North Shore has never lost a mock trial.

I hear one of their moms is Ally McBeal.

-Freakin' nepo babies. -[knocking on door]

[Principal Cooke] Jesse, Yumyulack, open up!

[both gasp]

[Yumyulack] Principal Cooke? What the hell?

You've been getting such good grades. I thought we were bros!

We are bros.

Then why do I look like this?

-It wasn't us. We've been mock practicing. -Tell us what happened.

I was at Lids at the mall

buying a Miami Hurricanes flat brim.

You went to University of Miami?

I wish! The hat's aspirational.

That doesn't matter. I saw the pupa, dapped him up,

and a few seconds later, I looked like this.

Pupa clearly did something during that dap.

You got to help me. I don't have my balls anymore.

Principal Cooke is not himself without his big, hairy balls.

What do you want for dinner? Mango and blue cheese Wetzel's?

-I don't want to hear it! -But that's your favorite mall snack.

What don't you want to hear?

I don't like how all those other couples

had meet cute stories.

-Ours sucks. -But it was numerical.

I just wish the way we met had more romance,

like Cassandra and Grimoire in Realm of Satin and Swords.

Well, I want our lives to be more

about solving science crimes like in Douglas Preston books,

but nobody ever drops us into a case.

Our life is a science crime!

Why don't you go shop at that romantasy store

while I grab your second-favorite mall snack?

A chicken parm sundae from Cold Stone Creamery?

And gravy affogato just the way you like it, my king.

[kisses]

So Principal Cooke is a pupa now?

[AISHA] He's just pupa-shaped. He doesn't have any pupa powers.

He can't terraform or predict the final score of an NHL game.

But why? He's never reshaped anyone before.

Answer the question! Why aren't you answering the question?

[AISHA] Jesus, dude, chill.

You guys have been giving pupa his flea and tick medication, right?

Uh, yeah, of course, we have.

Something so important, duh,

we would never neglect it.

-[AISHA] Jesse? -We didn't.

We were so busy with the trial, we totally neglected the little guy.

Plus he bites and squirms and shakes those flea chemicals on us.

You can't just instantly squeal, Lisa Simpson.

It's just fleas. How bad could it be?

[AISHA] The little freaks are sucking up his goo,

which they transfer to other people when they bite them, too.

The goo is what's turning them pupa-shaped.

Holy Skyler Gisondo, how do we fix this?

[AISHA] You're gonna have to find pupa.

We can use his juice to nullify the effects of the goo

and get Principal Cooke back to normal.

AISHA, sometimes it feels like you're just making stuff up.

[AISHA] Well, sometimes it feels like

you don't know shit about being a goddamn alien!

We got to solve this quick.

The mock trial is starting soon, and I'm playing Dave Matthews.

I was going to harmonica solo while getting cross-examined!

Oh, no, the pupa could be anywhere.

Pupa's a master at disappearing without a trace.

We won't find him unless he wants to be found.

What about the glowing slime trail?

[Jesse] Huh? I don't see that.

[AISHA] His eyes are pupa-shaped. He can see stuff we can't.

Whatever. His pupils look just as squiggly as ours.

Now the pupa leaves a slime trail?

[AISHA] Stop trying to poke holes. Get out of here, you fake aliens!

You're not even an alien. You're a stupid app.

-[laser zaps] -[Yumyulack yelps]

Terry, welcome back.

Or as the Fae say, "Parf dedoco gumquist."

And a "bee bee woo woo" to you, my good sir.

Just got in the new Stanley Cup collab

with Realm of Satin and Swords.

Whoa! You've got the Crest of Stakatz?

And the straw is the Reed of Truth!

Badass! I'll take six. [sighs]

Terry, whatever's wrong isn't going to be fixed

by buying half a dozen insulated tumblers.

Well, I'm obsessing about

how the way me and Korvo met wasn't cute at all.

It'll always be a stanky stain

on our otherwise crisp, lemon-fresh relationship.

But I guess there's nothing I can do.

Oh, but there is.

-[? pensive music playing] -Whoa!

The storage area! So the legends are true.

This is where we keep our forbidden items.

Finally, some elf porn!

No, that's right up front by the register.

Here, we have powerful potions, crystals, and charms.

Back here, the magic is real.

Wow! I never knew a store that shares a wall with a Happy Socks

could even have secrets.

Terry, I understand your frustration

with your meet not cute.

[Terry] Ooh!

This enchanted lip balm could be what you need.

Apply, then kiss your beloved.

It'll go right to the romantic part of his brain

and make him want to meet you all over again.

What, like time travel or wiping his memories?

-We do that too much. -No,

it'll just make him do meet cutes

until you get the story you want.

Using magic!

-Ooh! -[dove thuds]

Shut up! I have been wanting to dip my toes into other genres.

Any monkey's paw-type bad catches to this thing?

-Uh, let's say no. -Good enough for me! [yelps]

Hell yeah! Magic sparkles are how you know it's the real shit.

Hey, Korvy-Worvy. Whatcha doin'?

Playing backgammon by mail with a supposed Swiss genius,

but I think this guy's faking his rolls.

Oh, wow, interesting. Hey, give me a smooch.

[kisses]

Do you feel any different?

Nope. Still just mistrusting of the Swiss.

I better double up just in case.

[kissing]

How about now?

This hot cocoa whore claims he rolled doubles twice in a row.

-How is that possible? -[Terry groans]

[? dramatic music playing]

-Anything? -Yes!

The perfect roll for my backgammon game.

Ha, Maximilian! You're in for a world of pain.

Terry, you fool! I should have never trusted mall magic.

[sniffing] Hmm, up ahead. It's the pupa.

Everyone be quiet. I want him to hear this.

Pupa, you're in a buttload of trouble, mister!

-[? dramatic musical sting] -[all gasp]

That's not pupa!

It's pupa-shaped EGOT winner and TV host Jerry O'Connell!

Hey, wow. How's it going?

Call me J-O-C. That's what my Sliders Slide-ohs call me.

[coughs]

Oh, my God, Jerry O'Connell? I'm such a fan.

I never missed an episode of The Talk.

Jerry O, how did you get pupa-shaped out here in the forest?

I shouldn't be telling y'all this,

but I'm supposed to be meeting Wil Wheaton here

to rehearse scenes for Stand By Me 2: Still Standing.

Wow, the rumors on the Rob Reiner Discord are true for once!

I found this weird little creature hiding Skittles under a log.

I gave him a belly rub and next thing I knew, I looked like this!

-He must have gotten bit by the flea! -[phone vibrating]

Shit, I got a text from Ms. Frankie.

They started jury selection.

Come on, JOC.

We'll get you back to your handsome, chiseled self.

Take us to the pupa!

Fuckin' stupid romantasy store sellin' stupid fake magic.

-Didn't even have elf porn. -[car collides]

Ah! What the hell?

You picked the wrong day to rear end me, you piece of...

[? bright folk pop music playing]

Korvo?

Sorry. All my fault.

I caught sight of you in your side mirror,

and it distracted me.

Why are you being so cute?

[gasps] Oh, my God!

It's happening. The lip balm worked.

Gosh, how nice to meet you.

What? We're not meeting if we're already married.

-This makes no sense. -You know what?

Let me apologize by taking you out

for a lunch of fresh-caught salmon.

But I'm gonna roll with it. Reel me in, captain!

To moving violations, and meeting your soulmate.

This is officially the cutest way to meet for lunch.

Screw that couple who met on the plane

and double screw that couple who met in the Cabela's.

-[fork clatters] -[Terry grunts]

Huh? Must have gone to wipe his pits.

[Terry choking]

Oh! Uh, we need a doctor!

[Korvo grunting]

Oh!

Ah! Oh, man, thanks for saving my life. [gasps]

-[? bright folk pop music playing] -Hi, Terry.

I'm Korvo. Nice to meet you.

[laughs] Is this a bonus meet cute? How lucky am I?

How about I take you out for boba tea

to thank you for being so sexy?

Compared to the fender bender,

this feels kinda lateral in terms of cuteness,

but I'll take it!

[pupas sniffing]

[both barking]

There he is! Oh, shit, the 5-O's got him. Be cool.

Officer, what's going on?

Just caught these two scalping tickets

to the 3 Body Problem On Ice.

Yeah, you gotta let them go.

We need this one's juice so we can mock trial.

Nice try. I've fallen for that excuse too many...

[screams]

Hey, what the hell?

You got bit by the fleas.

Oh, no, I think they're on us too.

[both scream]

Shit, shit, shit. Grab the pupa, quick!

[tires screech]

Oh, my God. That car was two days from retirement.

[dogs panting]

What the fuck? Stupid dogs! [yelps]

-[? bright folk pop music playing] -I'm so sorry.

My pugs, they just love the smell of a hot alien.

-Ow! [yelping] -[dogs growling]

Ah!

I'm sorry. Our ultimate game got wild.

Can I take you home for white wine?

Hah. That one actually kinda hurt.

Hello? K-Kor-Korvo?

Don't meet cute me, okay? I-I just want a break.

-Ah! -Oh, no, all my hot coffee!

-[skin sizzling] -You come here often?

[Terry screaming]

These meet cutes are getting violent. Ah!

Everyone get on the ground!

Sorry, I thought there was a hostage situation in here,

but the only captive is my heart.

I'm done with this stupid mall magic! Ah!

I don't care that I don't have a receipt.

I'm returning this lip balm, and you're giving me store credit.

-What the hell? -You're too late.

The fairies folded up shop.

Wait, did you say fairies?

Well, technically they're the Fae,

the magical creatures who ran this store,

and I've been huntin' them for 20 years.

The name's Val Helsing.

-What's Val short for? -Valgina!

Uh-huh. W-w-well, the Fae can't be real.

They're just made up for the books.

Yeah, that's what I used to think.

My husband was always bad at giving gifts.

I got a handwritten ticket to Pound Town

three birthdays in a row.

So I bought a magic mouthwash

from the Armor & Amour store in Tucson.

-Well, did it work? -Too well!

He never stopped gifting

until he literally gave me his heart.

Ripped it right out of his chest Temple of Doom style

and just died right at my feet.

Was he holding the heart?

I'm just trying to envision how that worked.

It was in a nice box.

Since then, I've dedicated my life

to getting revenge on the Fae.

I have even found the ultimate antidote to romance.

Clipped toenails,

the grossest real-life side of a relationship.

So how do we find these guys?

If Korvo keeps going, he can meet cute him himself to death!

This way. The Fae always have a secret grotto nearby.

[both yelping]

Whoa! Who knew there was a whole grotto under the mall?

Yeah, the Fae carve 'em out with magic.

I'm glad you're with me.

Together, maybe we can win this war.

Yeah, dawg. It's just like when Zolo and Pioter

teamed up in Realm of Satin and Swords: Book Four, The Lace Lacener.

[scoffs] You got that right.

-Aw, shit. They found us. -Who did? That little ball?

That wasn't a ball. It was a...

[Val choking]

Oh, my God! Ow.

[? dramatic music playing]

Well, it sucks that we're shaped like pupas,

but these blueberry coconut puffs are pretty great.

This is all our fault.

We should have given pupa his flea meds.

I was looking forward to wailing on my harmonica

during the mock trial, but we can't go like this.

Hey, when Kangaroo Jack stole my 50 grand,

do you think I gave up?

Wasn't that a movie?

No! It was based on real events, and I didn't give up.

Me and Anthony Anderson chased Jack all over the Outback

until we got our money, and then we ate him!

Is that how the movie ends?

Oh, come on. You didn't see it in theaters?

You can't watch KJ on your phone.

It doesn't have the same impact.

JOC is right.

And even shaped like a pupa, his rizz is off the charts.

We can't give up. "Pupas" on three.

[all] One, two...

-Pupas! -Goddammit, cop. I said on three!

Ah, what?

What the fairy hell?

Lance? I thought you were just a simple bookstore clerk.

Everyone who works at Armor & Amour

is secretly a Fae with great abs.

It seems you've uncovered the truth.

Val Helsing gave me the deets before you cut off her head,

you tiny yoked son of a bitch.

But she didn't tell you why.

We actually only knew each other for, like, three minutes.

But we had fuckin' vibes, man. And she's dead.

In olden times, humans believed in fairy tales.

We Fae gain our power from human belief.

With the rise of technology and Apple Pay,

people stopped believing in magic

and our existence was threatened.

Damn you, progress.

To save ourselves,

we created the romantasy genre.

Our type of fantasy

heavily mixed with nasty bedroom fantasy.

Through the combined lust of BookTok sluts and horny moms,

we are powerful once again!

-Thank God, a happy ending! -I'm not done.

You know what? I'll just stop reacting until the end of the exposition.

Go, go, go. Tell your story.

We can feel the fad wearing thin.

And with the release of Dragon Age: The Veil Guard,

we'll lose our readers to smutty fan fiction.

Ooh, I'm saving that one for my next long horse ride.

But now, we have something more powerful.

Science fiction romantasy.

Sci-fi like me? I'm an alien.

Yes, that is the point.

The combination of our genre with yours

will be more powerful than you can ever possibly imagine!

That's cool with me, man. Can I leave?

No. You're staying here

while we harness your romantic synergy.

Joke's on you. I'm not going to do anything sexy while you keep me here.

You don't have to. He will.

Oh, don't mind me. Just here to paint.

Korvo, snap out of it. Don't meet cute...

Oh!

Sorry, I didn't see you there. Wow, is this your place?

-No! -[Lance] It's working!

[evil laughter]

Since the team from James Earl Jones Junior High isn't here,

I have no choice but to mock find the Dave Matthews Band guilty

and sentence them to mock death by lethal inject--

-[door slams open] -Wait! The mock defense is here

and ready to mock defend our mock clients!

Objection, Your Honor. You can't allow them to present.

They're slugs. They're just slugs.

There is nothing in the rule book

that says pupas can't mock practice law.

Overruled. The lawyers may call their first witness.

-Ah! -Sorry, my gutter ball went a little wide.

You want to get a root beer float?

Korvo, there's a patch in my pocket.

Grab it and sprinkle those anti-romance nail clippings

on these glowing strings.

With pleasure.

[? dramatic music playing]

Thanks for the dirty-ass nails, Val!

So can I take you out for some unseasoned baked chicken sometime?

Shut your meet cute ass up!

I think we're home free.

Oh, shit! [yowls]

Get back in your chamber and make more meet cutes!

Never! I demand we settle this by single combat!

[Fae gasping, exclaiming]

Who told you about that?

It's in Realm of Satin and Swords: Book Six,

The Cauldron of Lust and Butter.

Is that not my sacred right under Fae Law?

Yes, but it's annoying.

This is going to be great.

One of these little golf balls is going to have to fight me

and my neck is a lot harder to cut than a human's.

I call forth our champion, Tinky Buttons!

What the hell is this freak? That's not fair.

-[Lance] Let combat commence. -[growls]

[? dramatic music playing]

[Terry grunting and yelping]

Ow, ow, ow!

[groaning]

Sorry. Just doing some rock collecting.

Hola, me llamo Korvo.

I wish I'd never used that magic lip balm and tried to change the way we met.

Let me make it up to you by taking you out

for duck roast, and then sex.

I should have just been happy with the real story

of that computer on Shlorp putting us together.

I... I agree.

That was always perfect because our relationship is perfect.

Bloody hell. Where are we?

You're back to normal!

All I had to do was realize

the real way we met was dope as hell.

Okay, lots to catch you up on.

Where to start? Where to start? Uh...

Oh, fuck!

Ladies and gentlemen and teen goths of the mock jury,

everybody makes mistakes.

We've all tried to take the easy way out.

[Jesse] Sometimes, that ends with you dumping shit and piss

out of your tour bus and onto a bunch of tourists.

Other times, you neglect putting flea and tick medication

on your cute mini supercomputer.

But we all deserve a second chance.

The space between right and wrong is this big.

And we're all just ants marching toward truth

and under the table and dreaming of a better future

every day.

Uh, Your Honor, this is highly sus.

The words of these slugs are just too moving.

I find the Dave Matthews Band not mock guilty.

[all cheer and applaud]

[harmonica riff playing]

Oh, Pupa, we're sorry we let you get fleas.

[both scream]

Oh, crap. We still gotta reverse this.

[grunting]

[Korvo grunting]

Smash his head so he never tries to escape again!

Wait a hotdog summer!

Maybe there's another solution. Can I pitch something?

I'm intrigued,

but just so you know, I can't buy in the room.

I have an idea for a romantasy meets sci-fi book series.

It follows an alien and a druid who are blasted into space

and land on a planet where love has been outlawed.

Mixing genres in book form instead of torturing it out of you?

I have, like, 10 sequels all mapped out.

I can pump out new books once or twice a year.

What if you don't have any talent?

That's never stopped anyone from becoming a famous author.

And there's the last of your flea meds, Pupes.

JOC, you're next. Come get your pupa juice.

Actually, we've been talking. We like being pupa-shaped.

-For realsies? -Yeah.

We feel happier, healthier, less oppressed by human-shaped life.

We want to stay this way.

I don't know. You need somewhere to live

and someone to look after you.

I know just the guy.

-What do you two want? -Ex-Commander Zarck,

we know you traveled around and never found your purpose,

but we thought of something that could help.

[? triumphant music playing]

Oh! Oh, this is my dream come true!

A house of pupas!

Oh! Spin it off!

[? bright piano music playing]

? Pupa House, Pupa House ?

? It's a house full of pupas ?

? Houseful of pupas, houseful of pupas ?

? The Pupa House ?

[Terry] House of Pupas! [laughs]

[typewriter clacking]

Just wanted to drop off a little Cham of the Mile.

Mwah. Hope the book's going well.

Especially since you're the only one in the family

making us any money now.

Oh, don't worry. It very much is.

[narrating] Chapter 705.

Captain Felch could feel his juices rising,

forced to share a cold log with his hot enemy.

Ugh, I can't believe that I,

one of the best fighter pilots in the galaxy,

have crashed on this asteroid with you, a druid.

At least take off that helmet and let me see your face,

which I'm sure is butt ugly.

Oh, wow. You're kind of a dime piece.

-[creature growls] -[both gasp]

-What the hell was that? -I don't know.

But despite our mutual hatred of each other,

I can't help but want to suck face.

[both moaning]

Ew. Are those things jerking off?

-That's part of the deal. -Works for me.

[? dramatic theme playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

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