Original subtitles

[VHS player clicking]

[whirring]

[? foreboding theme playing]

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do you eat three meals a day?

You should only feast once a year on the festival of the Yopalox,

and that meal should be the gray Yopalox milk.

Full disclosure, I'm under a life debt to the Yopalox.

[? dramatic music swells]

[? pleasant music playing]

Jesse, can you pass the Baja Blitz Diet Shart?

-Aye, aye, captain. -[Yumyulack and Korvo gasp]

Sha-boom-boom!

[all laugh]

That's probably the best family catchphrase I've ever coined.

What you talkin' about, bro?

Yeah, bro, we all know I coined sha-boom-boom.

I said it when I knocked over the sample lady

with my Costco shopping cart.

No, you didn't. I created sha-boom-boom.

Shit just came to me when that parking structure collapsed at the movie theater.

Nuh-uh, I said it when I got that hole in one

at the mini golf course where teens go

to do whippets during Christmas break.

That doesn't narrow it down.

How dare you thieves try to take credit for my catchphrase!

-[Jesse] It's not yours, it's mine! -[Korvo] I said sha-boom-boom first!

You're trying to steal my valor!

That's not what stolen valor means!

You just stole stolen valor's valor!

-Sha-boom-boom! -Get my word out of your mouth!

Sha-boom-my boom, biatch!

I'm going to slice your throat with my Ralph's Club Card!

No fight!

Pupa's right, we shouldn't fight.

Because sha-boom-boom is mine!

[Yumyulack and Jesse grunting]

-[Pupa sighs] -Eat fork, you smug bitch!

-Sha-boom-boom! -[Jesse] I hate you!

Snap into my Slim Jim!

Shabibity-bibity-boom-boom-pow!

[Solars bickering]

[bickering continues]

-[Yumyulack] Sha-boom don't! -[Pupa sighs]

[bickering continues]

[JK Sevens beeping]

[? serene music playing]

Ugh.

[AISHA] Don't feel bad, Pupa.

I know you only come up here when you're upset.

I told you, those dummies just love to fight.

You know this is just how they are.

-Too mean! -[AISHA] Come on, Pupa,

you can't hide up here for a couple of days and stew

whenever those idiots get in a fight.

They're always in a fight.

-[JK Sevens beeps] -[AISHA] That's what I'm saying.

I knew this was gonna happen.

That's why I made you a little something

that should provoke some goddamn conversation.

-[JK Sevens beeps] -Don't you blap at our VHS collection.

I'm not subscribing to another stupid streaming app.

I like physical media.

[gasps] G'day?

[AISHA] No, I hate stupid ass G'day.

I taped over that shit.

-Taped over? -[AISHA] Yeah, that's right.

I made a retro mixtape with footage JK Sevens shot

and from my hidden cameras.

You can't see 'em, but they're everywhere.

They can even see through the fourth wall.

Stop sulking and watch the tape.

This will make you feel better.

[newscaster] The musical theater gene.

Can it be cured?

More at 11:00.

[? upbeat jingle plays]

I'm never going to learn to hop, Papa.

Blimey, G'day.

You just have to let your legs do the talkin'.

Oh-ho! Fair dinkum!

-G-day! -[AISHA] I guess some of G-day

must've made it through the edit.

Just ignore those parts and focus on the family stuff.

[static crackling]

Hello, Amazing Race producers.

I'm Terry, and I'm bringing a different kind

of teammate to the table.

A puppet!

[mimicking Jar Jar Binks] Meesa love to travel.

Meesa have global entry.

Are you taping an Amazing Race audition?

[mimicking Jar Jar Binks] No! [normal voice] Ugh, I mean, no.

You little slut. You're only doing this because me and Jesse taped one.

[mimicking Jar Jar Binks] So what me ask? Me ask so what?

Give me that bloody puppet. I got you that to calm you down.

-[Terry] I am calm! -[Korvo] That's going in the trash.

[Terry] Meesa stab you when you sleep.

[static crackling]

Guess who just got back from an appointment

with one of the tallest orthodontists in town?

-[ding] -Join the club, sister.

-[ding] -Same.

-[ding] -I did Invisalign.

But then I also got a visible grill that attaches to them.

-[ding] -[Jesse] That's not fair.

This was supposed to be my dentist W!

Now you're just a middle-of-the-pack loser

with nice choppers.

You did this on purpose!

I was trying to stand out!

Oh, my God. My grill's bleeding.

Why can't anything be mine?

-[Jesse and Yumyulack screaming] -[static crackling]

How long does it take to Easy Bake a Wagyu in this thing?

-[JK Sevens beeping] -Six weeks!

We're gonna need a higher-watt light bulb.

[motorcycle engine rumbling]

-[tires screech] -The ancient prophecy has come to pass.

I have secured a Yamahog!

This is a big-ass decision to make without consulting me.

-What the heck? -I'm a grown-ass Shlorpian.

I can hog a Hog when I want.

Only Harleys are called Hogs.

It's a major plot point in Wild Hogs.

I don't take advice from William Hillary Macy,

and you are just jealous!

Of course I am. I want a Hog.

Are you gonna lane split past me in traffic?

If that's what the road wants.

-The road speaks to me now! -[engine revving]

-[Jesse] Damn! -Shit!

Can I take it for a spin?

I want a Top Gun -style think about fighter pilots

while the sun is setting behind me over the ocean.

Absolutely not. This puppy only purrs for me.

Come on! You gotta share!

Yeah, there's no "I" in "motorcycle."

But there is an "I" in "Yamahog."

-No, there isn't. -It's a silent "I"!

I'll whip up a spreadsheet so we can organize

-who gets to ride this sweet, sweet-- -[slap smacks]

-Ow! -I deserve one thing that is just for me.

So suck smog!

-[Terry, Yumyulack, Jesse exclaiming] -Ha!

Oh, shit! Ah!

Oh, God! Ugh!

-Oh, yeah! -[engine roaring]

[static crackling]

[fist thudding]

Yummers, you've been in there 45 minutes.

You're not sinning, are you?

I need a shower. I'm covered in yard spiders

'cause I fell asleep in the bushes.

[Yumyulack] One minute!

Are you rubbing your mound to Metroid again?

I like helmets. Okay?

I told you to leave the big IP alone or you're gonna get in trouble.

It's parody-clearable colors!

It's only parody if you're making a specific statement.

I am! The people who get off on helmeted characters are weird.

-That's not enough! -[AISHA] I'm with Yum.

That helmet fetish is weird as fuck.

I know you don't like the fighting, but just keep watching.

[static crackling]

-[Terry laughing] -[Korvo screaming]

Quicksand, bitch! You fell for my prank.

-Goddamn it! -Terry.

This is legendary.

[static crackling]

-[balloon pops] -[Jesse gasps]

-[Jesse grunting] -Ow! Ow! It hurts!

Who's ready for patriotism?

'Cause this is a Solar Opposites 4th of July special!

[? dramatic music swells]

Hey, why aren't you wearing the costumes and merkins I sewed for you?

No one wants a stupid July 4th special.

We don't do politics.

I watch fireworks as God intended, on YouTube.

You want to celebrate liberty with me, right, Korvo?

Pass. I'm sympathetic to the loyalists.

Ugh! I always go along with your holiday special ideas.

Don't take it personally. It's just your ideas blow.

-I'll show you what blows! -[Terry, Yumyulack, Korvo gasp]

-[fireworks explode] -[all scream]

You burned my Mia Hamm Fathead and vintage Playboys!

-I never read the articles. -[firework explodes]

[static crackling]

-[Terry laughing] -Oh, this isn't funny!

Yes, it is.

I think I feel Korvo's body down there.

You should see your fucking faces.

Oh, my God!

Ah! My whole family is trapped in quicksand!

I'm the ultimate prankster!

[laughing]

Oh, I'm gonna puke.

Oh, I'm gonna puke now.

[static crackling]

Mmm.

-'Sup, pimp? -Some freak put a jar

of peanut butter in the fridge.

-Can you believe that? -[scoffs] Come on, that's normal.

-Keeps the Skippy fresh. -But the cold ruins it.

Keeping PB out of the fridge

is like the most insane thing I've ever heard,

and I once listened to Chet Hanks' TED Talk on "keeping it riz-eal."

Yo, Tweeps, back me up.

Peanut butter goes in the fridge, aight?

Not aight. It would get too hard.

I don't even know if it's safe to eat cold peanut butter.

-You could break your teeth. -Are you kidding me?

Me, are you kidding?

He's overheating.

Brace for a big Solar Ops fight!

Who cares? It's just peanut butter.

[all laughing]

[Terry] A little help here!

Ugh! Ugh!

Great Scott, you've beamed yourself into the ceiling again.

I was trying to beam to the Meghan Trainor concert in Dubai,

but I'm not good at sci-fi stuff.

That's well established.

Terry, why are you so dumb?

'Cause I is. I can't feel my legs.

Can someone get me Doritos?

I told you not to touch the transportation matrix

on the teleportransportatium!

I know, but... No, the other Doritos.

I only tapped one little button.

You better not have used up all the beaming sparkles.

We only have a limited amount.

No, the purple bag! Fiesta flavor!

Darling, I don't know what beaver sparkles is.

Beaming sparkles. They power the teleportransportatium.

-Everybody else uses it. -They do not!

Ow! Ow! Cut it out!

Ah! Ow! Shit!

Ha! Told you!

Someone give me Doritos.

Ow!

[static crackling]

Get away, bitch!

Peanut butter belongs in the fridge!

[all grunting]

Ah!

[AISHA] That seems like a lot of random-ass fights, huh?

Almost like they love arguing about everything.

-See where I'm going with this? -Funyuns.

Just saying Funyuns doesn't make any sense.

This part's good.

[static crackling]

-[? dramatic music playing] -[police sirens wailing]

[officer] Put the weapon on the ground and let the Hog go!

This motorcycle is tearing my family apart,

and it's not a Hog!

-I've got the shot. -Wait for orders.

Wind's picking up. It's now or never.

I said wait for orders!

Terry, it didn't have to come to this.

This two-wheeled whore is trying to take you from me, Korvo!

Can't you see that?

Can't you see what this bitch is trying to do to us?

-[gun cocks] -Choose right now, hot shot.

Who do you love? Me or the Hog?

Well, I-I-I love you both differently.

Wrong answer!

Fuel's low, we can't maintain position much longer.

What do you want me to say?

That I don't love an awesome motorcycle?

All I wanted was to sit on the back

and clutch you like Liv Tyler in her dad's music video.

I couldn't. You made me pull over every time you see a bloody toy store!

If I'm going to collect the whole Jedi Council,

then I need a Black Series Ki-Adi-Mundi.

-You know that! -We are in the red.

That's it, I'm taking the shot.

Jesse, no!

-[gunshot] -[static crackling]

??

Oi! Come down from there!

But I don't want to.

You can't stay up in a tree all live-long day, now can ya?

-Ugh! -[squishing]

Sha-boom-boom!

-[all laughing] -[all] Sha-boom-boom!

[static crackling]

[Yumyulack] [panting] Ah!

[narrator] And we're back with The Real World: Vatican City.

[woman] Who the hell drank all my blood of Christ?

-[door bangs] -Ah!

Terry, we've been searching for you for five years.

For me? But I'm just a human and a supermodel.

-Ah, oh! -Huh! Got ya!

They're aliens too. Take them instead.

We don't know what that alien's talking about.

Yeah, that thing's been holding us hostage

ever since he landed his ship on our house.

From one human to another,

can you please get him out of here?

Get your dirty X-Files hands off me!

I have X rights!

I demand to see an X lawyer!

I plead the X!

[static crackling]

No! How could this be happening?

I never saw this coming.

Nothing could be worse than sinking into quicksand.

-Ah! -[quicksand gurgling]

[hog oinking]

[Terry] No!

-[helicopter whirring] -You guys ruined 4th of July for me,

so now I'm gonna ruin it for everyone else forever!

Just let go of Uncle Sam and put the gun on the ground, sweetie.

Do what she says. Please!

I have kids

that I need to recruit into the military.

-[Korvo] I have the shot. -We're running low on fuel.

I went back in time

and recruited the original American badass,

Benjamin Franklin, to help us understand

the meaning of July 4th.

Don't make me own you like I owned lightning.

-[lightning crackling] -[Yumyulack and Terry screaming]

Keep that fuckstick Franklin away from me

or the Sam gets it.

She's not messing around. Stay back!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How about we go eat some apple pie with cheese on top

and listen to a high school girl butcher the national anthem

at a minor league baseball game.

Really? All the Independence Day stuff that I wanted to do?

Divided we fall, united we...

-Poor Richard's Almanack! -[Terry and Yumyulack gasp]

-[Terry] Franklin, no! -[Jesse grunts]

Ah!

-I'm taking the shot! -[gunshot]

[AISHA] I know it seems like all the fights are getting worse,

but I swear, it's gonna make sense soon.

[Korvo] Come here. You're going to get it now.

[AISHA] Uh-oh, looks like they done spilled

their trashy asses into the front yard.

-Classic. -[Terry] Yeah, right.

You're the ones who's gonna be gettin' the gettin'.

-[Jesse] Yeah, yeah, yeah! -Get some, bitch!

Ugh! Ow, ow, ow!

[Terry and Korvo grunting]

-No, no, no, no, no! -[spine cracks]

-Sha-boom-boom! -Sha-boom-boom is mine!

-[both yelp] -[Jesse gasps]

What the fuck you gonna do with that guitar, you little bitch!

-Ah! -[Yumyulack] I'll kill you, sha-boom-boom!

Stop fighting!

[AISHA] Ignore that. Keep watching the tape.

This next part is going to seem super crazy,

but you gotta trust me.

It's how it has to go.

[static crackling]

Assemble on me, my refrigerated peanut butter brothers!

Room temp gang!

Send those frigid fucks to an early grave.

Unleash cold peanut butter hell!

[peanut butters grunting]

Whoa, it's the jam squad.

Lady Smuckers abhors violence. Be civilized.

Suck a to-go bag of dicks, you artificially preserved bitch.

-Activate the secret weapon! -[gasps]

-[rumbling] -What the hell?

Something's wrong with my lid!

Ah!

That peanut butter soldier had kids, you monster!

[all grunting and screaming]

[static crackling]

[Solars bickering on TV]

[AISHA] Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, don't you shut that off.

We're gettin' to the good stuff.

-We're right there. -Ugh.

[static crackling]

[school bell ringing]

That was my origami paper!

You snooze, you lose.

Folding something up is ten-tenths of the law.

-[punch thuds] -Ow!

That's my art project!

-Mm, tasty crane! -Ah!

I hope you suffocate and we avoid prosecution

because we fall through cracks in the justice system.

-[both laughing] -[Yumyulack] Ow!

I know I should be enjoying a bit

of classic Americana bullying, but this sucks.

Oh, great. I bet you're here to make fun of me

for getting locker stuffed, aren't you?

Figured you could use some company. It gets pretty lonely in here.

I brought you lunch.

You're being nice even though I stole your paper.

Yeah, it's okay. Us aliens have to stick together.

Me paper es su paper.

[chuckles]

-Aw. -[AISHA] You better say, "aw."

I told your ass it got good. Keep watching.

[hyenas growling]

[flamingo crunching]

Can't believe we fought over that last orange Tic Tac all day.

I don't know what came over me.

Those hyenas are beautiful.

So are you, Terry. So are you.

-[both moaning] -[Pupa groans]

[static crackling]

[Terry] Please let me out!

I have to pee, metaphorically speaking!

Just look into this memory wipe pen,

and all will be forgiven.

I don't want to forget. I have a great life.

-What the... [gasps] -[? upbeat electronic music playing]

We can't let you remember

these abs!

Ooh!

Oh!

[Solars cheering]

We hired Men in Black strippers

to celebrate you getting your associate twerking license.

You guys!

Shake that human meat!

[? upbeat electronic music continues]

??

Get the fuck out of here!

[static crackling]

[motorcycle engine rumbling]

-[tires screech] -[child thuds]

Get your fucking family out of the crosswalk!

Wait a minute, family.

[father] Where's the fucking ambulance? Please!

Wake up, baby, wake up!

Ow! Careful of my gunshot wound.

Once we actually talked,

I realized I was being selfish about the motorcycle.

Well, at least it only took a bullet to my face

to make you come to your senses.

Sure, I can hear tastes now,

but that's a small price to pay for us to get along.

I bought something on Choppy, the Etsy for gearheads,

that should make up for my poor behavior.

-Do we all get Hogs? -[Korvo] No!

[Solars] Sidecars!

I made a family Hog we can all ride together

and, yes, we'll be lane splitting in this wide-ass fucker.

The rules of the road be damned.

-Oh, look at these fucking sidecars! -[Jesse] Yay!

Sidecar! Woo!

[motorcycle engine revving]

Hit it, Korvo!

[motorcycle rumbling]

Everyone lean forward.

No, more! Lean forward more!

No, careful. Oh, goddamn it!

Oh, we should have just gotten a car.

[static crackling]

Why is there a hotel charge

and three bottles of champagne on our credit card bill?

I thought you were at your uncle's funeral.

We were, uh, celebrating his life.

Are you cheating on me again?

Ah!

I can't live like this anymore!

[static crackling]

[fireworks exploding]

[Uncle Sam and Benjamin Franklin laughing]

Sorry about the whole cliffside showdown earlier.

I was real surprised you all hated the 4th of July so much.

Well, due to the 1996 Will Smith blockbuster

Independence Day, I assumed it was deeply anti-alien.

Ditto on that one.

They fucked the aliens up so bad at the end.

That movie sucks.

Jesse, if they let us do any more holiday specials,

you can pick which one, but don't bet on it.

It's a strange time in the industry.

Oh, geez. Thanks, guys.

I can't wait. I pick Women's Right to Choose Day.

Hopefully, that doesn't get us deported.

Oh, whoa. Would you look at that?

I guess you actually shot me back there on the cliff.

Ah, this whole time, I've been in shock.

[Solars laughing]

It's not the 4th of July until someone gets hurt.

Oh, could we go to the hospital maybe?

[siren blaring]

Ah!

-[fireworks exploding] -[Solars screaming]

[static crackling]

[flies buzzing]

Oh, you guys were way right.

Room temp peanut butter's so much better than that cold shit.

[mouth full] I told you we were right and you were wrong.

Sorry I triggered that high-concept PB gang war.

I feel like a total dumb-dumb.

We forgive you.

I'm just relieved we're eating sandwiches as a family again.

Anyone want more milk?

What the fuck is that doing under the sink?

Where do you keep your milk?

[Solars laughing]

[Korvo laughing]

[Korvo chuckles]

Milk under the sink.

[? gentle guitar music playing]

[? vocalist humming]

[? humming continues]

[? gentle guitar music continues]

Aw, cute.

Look at us all studying soil samples together.

Nice to not be throwing stuff at each other for once.

We fight hard, but we love hard.

Sometimes, we're bad at communicating,

but when we do, nothing can tear this family apart.

Aw, family.

[AISHA] Ha, I told you. Fighting's just their love language.

They fight because they care.

It's annoying as hell,

but it's how they have to process everything,

and they'll always come together.

[JK Sevens beeping]

That's right.

Keep that on the shelf for the next time you're feelin' down.

AISHA's always got your back, little guy.

Thanks, AISHA.

[? gentle guitar music continues]

[? humming continues]

At the end of the day,

it doesn't matter who came up with sha-boom-boom.

As long as we say it...

[Solars] As a family.

-I do wonder where it came from though. -G'day!

Aw, and good day to you, too.

Where have you been all day, you little gooper?

-Aw. -Oh! Aw.

[Jesse laughing]

See, this is nice. Glad to finally...

Hey! JK, are you fucking filming us?

[static crackling]

[? gentle guitar music continues]

[? humming continues]

[? humming continues]

[mimicking laser fire]

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