Original subtitles

[? foreboding theme playing]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Fam Slam

with your host, hilarious Harvey Steve.

I appreciate y'all. I appreciate you.

Thank you, thank you, seriously, thank you. I appreciate you.

Welcome to Fam Slam,

a legally clearable parody of [bleep].

Now let's give it up for our returning champs,

the McMillan fam from the South.

Oh, it's a blessing to be here, Mr. Steve.

And let's give a warm Fam Slam welcome

to our challengers, the Opposites fam.

Finally done sucking the McMillan family's dicks?

-[audience gasps] -Alright now.

Look like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

-[audience laughing] -No, I didn't!

I never stray from perfect mattress positioning.

Whe-where do you get your suits?

Oh, Terry, don't be stupid. They're probably custom.

-They're custom, right? -Alright, let's get to the game.

Can I have each team's dad

step to the podium for round one?

-What the hell? -[chuckles] Just the dad, please.

-I am the dad. -She's kidding.

I'm the dad of the family.

-Ah, sure thing, champ. -Get away from that podium!

We're alien plants. We do what we want.

Which is why I'm the dad,

and you're sounding a little grouchy, Mister.

He's probably tired.

I've always clearly been the most dad-coded Opposite.

I don't know, Korvo,

Jesse's been serving major dad vibes lately.

Yeah, she's been coaching my little league team.

We get a pizza party if we score a run.

The other day, she taught me how to change a tire.

I got to hold the flashlight!

I beg your very pardon?

Sorry, Korvo, I can't help it.

Dadding's been coming to me really naturally these days.

Y'all need to confirm Dad, or you forfeit this round.

[bleep] my fat [bleep] until you [bleep] blood out of your eyes.

-[audience gasps] -Korvo, you go stand

with the rest of family this instant.

-This isn't fair! -That's it!

-You're grounded, buster! -[Korvo wailing]

I like being grounded.

Home is where all my stuff is.

[Korvo wailing]

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name is Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do humans... Wh-why do... Why do hum...

Oh, fuck it, I forgot what I was going to rant about.

[? dramatic music swells]

[Cherie] Pay attention for a message from your mighty leader.

He's back and ready to rule with an iron fist.

The all powerful, all knowing,

all man where it counts,

The Duke.

[Duke clears throat]

That's right, it's me, the original Wall badass.

I'm alive, back in charge, and meaner than ever

because that's what you pathetic ants need.

I'm working tirelessly to deliver all Wallians to freedom.

Work on Operation Biggie Size is going great.

Yumyulack's Shrink Ray is finally within our reach,

carelessly tossed into a laundry hamper at the base of the wall.

Now is the time to snatch that ray and get big again.

I'ma be real with you because I'm cool.

This won't be easy, and we have to get it done

before laundry day.

But if you follow my commands, we'll do it.

And I don't want to hear any bitching about how heavy it is.

Any dissension in the ranks,

and I will personally beat you to death

and eat your brains.

Eat your brains? Ooh, this evil Duke stuff is gross.

Can't I just be myself?

No, we all know the people of the Wall

only respond to an authoritarian.

You can be regular Ringo after we get biggie sized again.

[Duke clears throat]

Work together and follow my orders exactly.

Anything less than that speaks

to a fundamental disrespect for the rules.

[Duke groans]

It speaks to a fundamental disrespect for the rules.

[Duke groans, gasps]

I-I can't do this. This isn't me anymore.

Uh, that's it for The Duke for now.

He, uh, has to go beat up some people.

Oh, my sweet Jesse.

The Duke's beating on a guy who made eye contact with him.

He's so brutal.

The guy is pissing his pants.

Oh, the humanity!

Damn, the Duke's hardcore.

The Falcon's impressed.

Oh, no way!

If you ran the Wall, you'd be twice as psychotic.

You're already talking in the third person.

When are we going to shake things up around here?

No, not with the Duke in charge.

The Falcon's not looking to get beaten until he pisses his pants.

Maybe if some softy was running things,

but crazy respects crazy.

For now, we stand down.

-[? pleasant music playing] -[Korvo] Hey, Jesse.

Have you recovered from your little hissy fit?

Part of being a responsible adult is admitting when you're wrong,

which is something you have to do!

I'm the dad around here.

You need to cut the bullshite and start acting like a teenager again.

What was that now? You gotta stop mumbling, scout.

I've had it with your sick father cosplay.

Inside voice, kiddo.

You're giving contradictory advice!

Whatever, there is clearly only one way to settle

who's the padre in this family.

Have you finished your homework?

Yes, wait, I don't have homework.

Goddammit, the only way to settle this

is to go head-to-head in a good old-fashioned Dad-Off.

Oh, I'm a dad too. Can I play?

No, hot zaddies don't count.

We never do.

Jesse, can I have some money for the arcade?

I did my chores.

I'm expecting a little change out of this.

Don't give him 20 fucking dollars!

I give out the allowance around here.

Oh, cute. Sure thing, chief.

Oh, that's it! The Dad-Off starts now.

-[bell rings] -[all gasp]

I'm here with His Eminence, The Duke,

who's leading the charge on Operation Biggie Size.

This is the first exclusive interview

since you returned to subjugate us again.

And I just have to ask,

what does the Duke use to style his hair?

-It's cum. -Excuse me?

[Cherie clears throat]

You've never seen There's Something About Mary?

I was kidding.

I use those little Bonne Maman advent calendar jams. Incredible hold.

What's the first thing you plan on doing once you get big again?

I'd like to go back to my favorite place on earth, Legoland.

Oh, my friend Sally loved Legos.

She was a fellow reporter.

I'd be happy to do an interview with her as well.

You actually had her killed during your first reign

because she broke a story about you snarting.

Oh, my God, what? That's terrible.

How dare you speak this way to The Duke.

M-m-my apologies, Your Grace. Please spare me.

You're lucky The Duke's in a dope mood.

Any other day, he'd have had you crushed under a billiard ball.

We better get him away before he eats your brain

'cause he does that when he's mad.

[Duke] I was such a piece of garbage.

-[Pezlie babbling] -[Duke] I don't know who I am anymore.

W-what's my preferred toothpaste?

Am I a Crest man or a Tom's guy?

There's so many lives ruined.

Is anything wrong? That three-way peck felt tense.

Ringo blew his interview.

You're supposed to be scary dictator crazy,

not cray-cray crazy.

I'm not cut out to be an evil despot anymore.

It keeps bringing up memories from a past

where I don't recognize myself.

It's almost laundry day.

We just need you to keep it up for a little bit longer

until we get this done.

Oh, okay.

I guess I can pretend I love to drink blood

just a little longer for you, Cherie.

-I know you can do it. -[Duke sighs]

What you're doing to Ringo isn't cool.

It wasn't so long ago that I was putting heads

up on walls for Sisto.

It's not something I'd ever go back to.

What we're doing is bigger than one man.

Pezlie deserves a future where she can be big,

ride a bike, eat at Benihana, fall in love,

all without the threat of being eaten by a rat.

Ah, you're right.

[sniffs] Whoa, someone needs a diaper change.

We gotta stop feeding her mashed Milk Duds.

Duds give her the blasty shits.

After you get this little one down for a nap,

anyone up for a threesome in the shower?

Ugh, again?

I didn't know being in a throuple would mean constant three-ways.

-Oh, please. -Whatever, you love it.

-[laughter on laptop] -Hey, iPad baby.

Why are you blasting three screens at the same time?

If I'm going to beat Jesse at this Dad-Off,

I've gotta bone up on paternal toxicity.

So why are you watching Tim Allen stuff?

He's the patron saint of fatherhood.

The man builds classic cars in his garage.

My studies are already paying off.

Behold.

[Terry] Oh, Kirkland signature chinos

and Weber Grill collab New Balances?

That's so much drip.

In addition, I clipped some phones

to this braided leather belt I bought at the drugstore.

Oh, smell my breath. [exhales]

Bleh, what is that?

-Folgers and deli ham? -Fuck yes.

-Look out, hot beef comin' through. -What the hell is this?

Me and the neighborhood dads just wrapped a 12-hour smoke.

Want some burnt ends, little guy?

This guy really knows her way around a dry rub.

Look at the bark on that slab.

What are these words?

BBQ, baby!

Ah, you know, just some tips from CBS Sunday Morning.

Probably nothing you haven't read in Parade Magazine.

Mm, that was finger-boning good.

J-Bird, you gotta bring those tips to the next neighborhood dad gath.

What gath, what is that? What are you talk--

I'm a d-- I want to go to that. I'm a dad.

Ah, you'd get bored. It's a dad thing.

What? I hope you get colon cancer from your burnt meats and die!

[Korvo sobbing]

[bell dings]

Is that gonna happen every time?

[hammering]

Hand me the decal.

Is that what you were doing instead of coming to bed last night?

Obsessing over a model airplane is a classic dad move.

I memorized the radio alphabet too.

Why is this so important to you?

I'm the Solar Papa. You wouldn't understand.

Local youth, come look at this airplane

so I can tell you about it, but not let you play with it.

-Oh, hey, squirt. -[Korvo grunts]

Could a squirt build a C-200 skyhopper in under 12 hours?

Jesse taught us how to skip rocks at the creek.

We made some formative memories that I, for one, will cherish.

-We saw bugs. -[JK Sevens beeps]

I can teach you to skip stuff. Come here and watch me skip this can.

-[can clatters] -[ice cream truck jingle playing]

Ooh, who wants ice cream?

-[kid] Oh, me! -[Terry] I want a choco taquito!

[Korvo grunts, groans]

[groans]

-[bell dings] -[Korvo groans]

Oh, hey, dads and Korvo. What's up?

We're doing outdoor scotch consumption and saying dad stuff.

-Shaving cream. -Fishing.

-Fly fishing. -Nice.

You fellas have room for another dad?

[thick, bad Scottish accent] Ah, pour yourself a glass of Bruichladdich

and pop a squat.

[Jesse spits]

Pwah! That tastes like an old boot.

Hah, did you hear that? Nice try.

Real dads love nasty boot-tasting scotch.

Maybe you'd prefer a juice box?

Uh, excuse me. I gotta go mess with the thermostat

and do some taxes and refuse to adopt a cat and wear loafers

and buy one of those hats with the hair coming...

[Korvo laughs]

[Korvo groans, coughs]

[? dramatic music playing]

[Duke] [on loudspeakers] People of the Wall, this is our time.

As your all-knowing and super violent leader,

I will live for a thousand years!

Nothing can stop us now.

As the monkey rises, so will our fate.

Now, blindly obey my decree, and winch.

Winch, you bitches!

-Our salvation is near. -[Wallians grunting]

Your Duke commands you to winch.

You heard the man!

Every bit helps!

[Wallians grunt]

Holy shit, it's working.

Keep going! Don't make me bring back the Boo Hoo Hole.

[Wallians grunting]

[Duke groans]

You didn't have to do that!

[laughs]

[groans] Oh, God, I killed that boy.

He was just trying to save his dad.

I'm a monster.

-Get up. -I can't be bad.

Don't make me be bad anymore, please!

-Hey, what's going on? -Is he crying?

I'm pretty sure he pissed himself.

-He's just kidding. -No, I'm not!

Are you hearing this?

The Duke's a pussy now.

The Falcon smells a power vacuum to exploit.

The Duke is a poser!

The Falcon challenges him to a stab-off.

[Duke gasps]

To be clear, uh, I'm the Falcon.

-[crowd gasps] -[Duke gasping]

[Falcon grunts]

[screams in pain]

[Falcon] The Falcon's tender nuts.

Uh, just a classic failed Wall coup.

[chuckles] You can get back to winching now.

Winch! Winch! Winch!

Whoa, whoa, no way!

I don't work for my own self-interest unless I'm being subjugated.

Sure, of course. We'll figure that out later.

Right now, we have to get back to the winching.

No, don't let go!

[? dramatic music playing]

Wasn't winching fun?

Just do it for the exercise.

AISHA, activate the carbon-exergon converter.

[AISHA] First off, activate? [chuckles]

Girl, don't pretend we have that kind of relationship.

And didn't you just use the converter last week?

Yeah, but I need it again.

[AISHA] For what? The engines are lubed as hell.

I know, I just need a smidge more exergon oil

so I can beat Korvo in this Dad-Off.

[AISHA] Alright, whatever.

Just don't come crying to me when this shit

does something weird to your body.

-Aha! -[AISHA] Goddammit!

I told you not to spring out on me!

-Get out of here, Korvo! -I knew it!

You've been using sci-fi to be a better dad than me this whole time.

[Jesse groans] Ah, geez, you caught me.

In your face! I certainly did.

A few weeks ago, I was having some alone time on the ship

and accidentally dropped something in the converter thing.

Ooh, ten actors who've shown full hog on screen.

Hello, Christoph Waltz.

[crunches] Ugh, that's not candy.

It's a Tums.

[spits]

[machine rumbling, clanging]

[Jesse] The combination of the loose Tums

and the remnants of print media

contaminated the converter with dad energy.

The dad oil interacted with my replicant brain

and something came over me.

[baby crying]

[Jesse] I was a new father.

I felt the rush of responsibility

and the infinite possibilities for this new life

I brought into the world.

Being a dad felt good.

I was getting respect and attention.

I could fall asleep mid-conversation on the couch,

and it was cute.

Good glorbus, you felt pure, unadulterated Dadditude.

Maybe we could both use the oil.

I don't have to quit. We could be two dads.

If anyone is going to be two dads, it's me and maybe Terry.

Time to cut you off.

No!

[Korvo and Jesse grunting]

[Jesse groans]

Oh, shit, Jesse, are you okay?

[? dramatic music playing]

[Jesse grunting]

[gruff voice] Oh, my back. [grunts]

Jesse, I demand you cease your grotesque transformation at once.

[AISHA] Her active listening levels and self-awareness

have dipped critically low,

and she's getting loud as fuck!

My dad bod!

[AISHA] Oh, shit, she's pissed Green Day is now classic rock.

What does that mean?

[AISHA] That oil overdose turned her into a big papa!

Stop being a big papa right now

or no screens for a week!

I thought I told you to turn the lights off

when you leave the room.

It's costing us a fortune!

-[Korvo groans] -[AISHA] Run, Korvo!

She's had it up to here with your shit.

I don't want to be the Duke. I-I'm Ringo. I-I'm just Ringo.

Look at that poor guy. I warned you, you pushed him too far.

We had no choice.

Hey, uh, maybe we can pivot back to Big Skip

or see if that Falcon guy will let us puppet control him.

-No, it's over. -We can't give up!

We're stuck.

Not just in this wall terrarium

but in a cycle of violence over and over again.

Pezlie will never get to be big

or travel the world or spin an egg

on her own engraved hibachi spatula.

-I give up. -Guys, look.

I felt hope for the first time,

but I guess hope is a dangerous thing.

Is that from the Holy Bowble?

Lana Del Rey, and Rogue One.

Fuck's sake! Will you two cut it out and look?

What the hell, the ropes.

-Someone's pulling the ropes. -[Nova gasps]

But who?

-[gears clicking] -[people grunting]

It's everyone.

They're working together.

[Nova] But who's leading them?

[Montez] Ha! Nobody.

They're doing it all on their own.

I guess they didn't need a crazy despot after all.

[Cherie] You're right, I see it now.

Pezlie, you have a future.

-You're going to be big. -[Pezlie babbles]

And it's not because of any scheme

but because of the inherent goodness of the people in the...

-[gasps] -[Wallians gasp]

[? dramatic music playing]

[Wallians scream]

Why are you sickos trying to steal my underpants?

-[Korvo grunts] Run, Terry, run! -[heavy footsteps thudding]

Jesse's turned into a big metaphor!

You're not my dad! You can't tell me what to do!

-[Jesse grunts] -[Korvo and Terry scream]

Where are the remotes? I need the remotes!

-[Jesse screams] -Here, take it.

That was just for the receiver.

-[Jesse screams] -Oh, no!

I thought I told you to take out the trash.

God, get off my back.

-[Terry screams, grunts] -[glass shatters]

[Korvo gasping]

[roars]

How about we set up that new printer?

We could load up the ink cartridges,

flip through the instruction manual.

Oh, I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed!

[Korvo groans]

-[all gasp] -Oh, God.

Wait a minute, you were stealing my underwear

and the Shrink Ray?

Pfft. [laughs]

Oh, my God, did you think

you were going to make yourselves big again?

That's hilarious.

[Wallians scream]

We have rights! Keeping us here is against the law.

I know all about your little wars.

I'm doing the world a favor by keeping you sick fucks in the wall.

Go get Jesse. She'll set us free.

Actually, me and Jesse are good students now.

Teachers like us, and we get to do whatever we want.

You guys tattling would mess it all up, and I can't have that.

-We won't tattle. -Yeah, right.

Don't even think about trying to escape.

I'm going to set up all sorts of booby traps in this room.

If anyone ever tries to get out again,

you'll be sorry.

You're a monster!

No. I'm a straight-A student.

[? dramatic music playing]

[gasps]

[Wallians screaming]

[? humming upbeat tune]

[Jesse] [chuckles] Coochie-coo!

You're crushing me!

Let's see if you can beat your old man in wrestling.

I'm so sorry, Jesse.

For not mowing the yard?

For trying to out-dad you.

I just wanted to be a better papa than Rin Tin Torvo.

-Who? -We're all just replicants

of bigger Shlorpians.

Mine was named Rin Tin Torvo.

And he was a wanker.

[? gentle music playing]

All I ever wanted was for him to pay attention to me.

But he had no interest in that.

Rin Tin Torvo was so focused on preparing for the asteroid to hit

that he totally ignored me.

Excuse me, Prime Replicator,

can you teach me how to repair the wazer?

I don't have time for your replicant nonsense.

The asteroid could hit any day.

I need to be ready for the mission.

He was obsessed with the mission,

but the asteroid never came.

He died before he ever got to be a mission leader...

or a father.

[machine whirring]

Being a team leader, I actually got to fulfill my dad's dream.

But it's also a chance not to repeat his mistakes.

No matter what happens, you'll always be my daddy.

[Jesse] [gruff voice] Oh, no. I'm just like Rin Tin Torvo.

I'm a bad dad.

That story never would've resonated with me...

[normal voice] ...unless I had become a dad.

Oh, the irony.

I guess I'll never get to feel that amazing dad vibe again.

No, you be whoever you want to be.

We'll just do it together.

Maybe today, I'll be your kid.

Shit, you're hugging already?

What did I miss? Who's the dad now?

We can all be dads, moms, daughters, and sons.

We're not limited in our love.

We're alien plants.

We make our own goddamn rules.

-For realsies? -Don't say realsies, but yes.

You know what that means?

[? cheery music playing]

I still can't believe we let you back on this show.

But let's try this one more time.

Will the Solar team dad please step forward?

-I'm the dad. -[Terry and Yumyulack] And I'm the dad.

And I'm also the dad.

Fine, you can all be dads.

-[Solars cheer] -I don't care.

[bleep] this woke [bleep].

[? gentle music playing]

[Cherie] I know all hope seems lost right now.

I mean, we're literally in the dark.

But let this darkness remind us

who the true enemy is.

It's not the weird despots with stupid haircuts.

It's not the church, or the owls in the backyard.

Our real enemy has always been Yumyulack!

From this day forward,

we set our differences aside, brought together not by fear

by united by hate.

We will get that Shrink Ray.

We'll get big, and we'll get our revenge.

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

[both] Fuck Yumyulack!

[all] Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

Fuck Yumyulack!

[? dramatic music playing]

-[Terry sighs] -[AISHA] What's up, Terry?

Oh, man, all that dad talk really got me thinking

about the Shlorpian who I was replicated from, Rin Tin Terry.

[Rin Tin Terry] Terry, you piece of shit.

Stop working on the ship and come party!

You're so uptight, you gotta be zany like me.

[AISHA] Uh-uh, no more flashbacks.

Keep that shit in your head. We in the middle of the credits.

Nobody's even gonna see this!

[? dramatic music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

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