Original subtitles

[? foreboding music playing]

Yard sale! Sci-fi yard sale!

Come get your mysterious technology from beyond the stars.

Oh, look, a thermal detonator for just five American dollars.

Where the heck is everyone?

We got laser pants, Slay Rays,

a box of Shrimp Fajita Uncrustables.

-[tires screeching] -[car crashes]

[Yumyulack] Can I please take this stupid robot off?

Oh, it's a million degrees in here.

Absolutely not. People see a robot,

and it puts them in the mood to shop.

[robot] Please let me return to the ship so I may continue my scientific work.

-[glass shatters] -Why aren't we getting any customers?

I spent a fortune on that sky writer

to draw a naked lady pointing at our house.

Oh, my God, that's very graphic.

So, that's what boobs look like.

Look at that vagina.

-Terry, up there. -Oh, now I see.

That's a very detailed sky anus.

It better be. I got ripped off, but I felt bad for the guy.

What? The whole point of this sale is to make money, not spend it.

Our diamond machine was destroyed,

so now we're totes broke, no cap.

This all happened back in episode 601, true believers.

Get fucked!

-Oh, you guys heard that, right? -Heard what?

We all have to do our part as a team family

to eradicate unnecessary expenses with extreme prejudice.

No more Venti woke milk lattes for me, I guess.

I'll have to tip waitresses with napkin sketches,

like Picasso.

Nobody wants that hacky continuous line shite.

Well, I've been doing my part.

I'm buying only the barest of essentials.

Expensive thing delivery for "Terry Danger Opposites."

Oh, ohh, yes.

It's my monthly subscription box of Celebrity Fart Jars.

Now I got a full set of the West Wing's toots.

Nice discoloration. Whitford must love chickpeas.

That one looks silent but deadly.

Oh, for fuck's sake. We cannot waste money on bloody fart jars.

It's only 2,000 bucks per jar.

Ahh. [coughing]

[sighs] Hints of shit and dark chocolate.

H-h-how are you even smelling that?

-We don't have noses. -Oh, God, fine.

If you want to justify it in canon,

I'm tasting the bits of airborne fecal matter with my tongue.

-Happy, you uptight Reddit dork? -Yes.

Okay, everybody huddle up. I have a shocking revelation to announce.

For the last time, Midnights is just an album.

It doesn't have prime numbers from Vega buried in the modulation.

Yes, it does.

But also, if we don't make a mortgage payment

in the next two days, the bank will take our house.

-[Solars gasp] -[Terry] Take it where?

-I mean, they'll kick us out. -Oh, chill, sweet tits.

We'll just get one of those reverse mortgages.

Then the bank has to pay us.

That's not how that works.

Why don't we just re-fi, bro?

I agree. We should re-fi, bro.

Can we re-fi, Korvo? Please, bro.

[group] Re-fi! Re-fi! Re-fi!

-Re-fi! -No, none of us know what that means.

We have to make money, and fast.

Ah, neighbor Kevin.

Cease your bipedal locomotion and come spend

recklessly at our yard sale.

We got Yumyulack's quantum crossbow.

It's great for hunting as long as you don't observe the deer.

Ooh, maybe later.

I'm headed to the estate sale up the street.

What the hell is an estate sale?

[kid] Mom, they have an air fryer.

[Korvo] Look at them move all this product.

Why is this so popular, but ours is

a John Carter From Mars level dud.

A yard sale's just old crap you're trying to get rid of,

but an estate sale is when someone dies.

Then they can't stop you from buying all their favorite treasures.

Ooh, a Purple Heart. I'll give you 10 bucks for this.

That's why that lady's making a scene.

She's grief pilled.

-Look at all that wet, salty cash. -That's it.

If we're going to save our house,

one of the Solar Opposites must die!

-Wait, why? -So we can have an estate sale.

Oh, now we get it. Okay, say that again.

One of the Solar Opposites must die!

[Terry, Jesse, Yumyulack gasp]

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa,

and escaped into space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa.

My name's Korvo. This is my show.

Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.

It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why is everyone dying of old age before they're 500 years old?

Every time you go around the century,

you can Prestige and hit puberty again.

The dominant species of this planet is so lazy.

[? intense music swells]

[crunching]

[JK Sevens beeps]

Previously on The Wall...

[Cherie] Sisto is dead.

From now on, there will no more

power-hungry dictators or bloody wars.

You want my help?

Then, bow.

[all gasp]

[? intense music playing]

[gasps]

Wait.

I'm alive.

[? intense music continues]

But who the fuck am I?

[JK Sevens beeping]

And now, the contin-in-u-ation.

[crowd] [chanting] Hail Queen Cherie!

Hail Queen Cherie!

Hail Queen Cherie!

Wow, sick chants, guys.

Queen Cherie, thank you so much for talking with us today

before the ceremony.

Always a pleasure to speak to my loyal subjects.

It's been five months since The Wall united

with the people of the yard.

Yard folk are strong, yet wise.

When you returned from your time there,

you proclaimed yourself Queen.

[Cherie] Queen of the small, grower of grass,

protector of The Wall.

Instead of fighting, you formed a partnership with Sister Nova,

who you named as Wall Minister.

Serving beside the Queen is the highest honor.

Together, you've created the greatest era of prosperity, peace,

and just plain ol' good vibes The Wall's ever had.

Careful now.

Uh, your majesty?

You're dropping facts all over the place.

[laughter]

Hilarious fake out, your Grace,

and, of course, we're here today for your latest achievement,

the grand opening of The Wall's first water treatment plant.

Now every Wallian will have access to clean water.

No one will have to wash their butthole

with Coke Zero ever again.

-[crowd cheering, applauding] -[townsperson] Oh, man.

And finally, I've heard rumors

of a big secret project you're working on.

Nothing to announce today, but I just want everyone to know

that life in The Wall is good,

and it's only going to get even gooder.

[cheering, applauding]

This is Rebecca Savannah St. Birmingham Jones,

and you're listening to Small Things Considered.

[? intense music playing]

Gosh golly, Queen Cherie,

th-this is such an honor.

Don't be nervous. What's your name?

Me, I-I'm Skip. I'm sorry I'm sweating so much.

It's just I've never been this close to a magic lady before.

-[paper rips] -[? ominous music playing]

-[people screaming] -[flames crackling]

Oh, God. Was I the bad guy?

Ugh, what the hell was I thinking

trying to pull off that gold chain?

I dedicate this water treatment plant

to the thirstiest of all of us,

the improv comedians.

-[cheering] -Woo, yeah!

[evil laughter]

Your reign is over, fake Queen.

I, the Bloody Blood Baron,

am the new leader of The Wall.

From here on out, everyone must drink blood!

[townsperson] I could get into blood.

[Terry] I was only pretending to pay attention earlier,

so this would be a good chance to catch me up.

Now we've all obviously died many times before

but for an estate sale, it has to really count.

So we'll be using the Eternal Sleep Sack.

That sleeping bag is a sci-fi device?

This sleeping bag is made of fifth-dimensional gluons.

-And? -If you zip yourself up inside,

you can choose what kind of afterlife you want to experience.

-So, like Coco? -Dammit, Terry,

not everything is like a Disney movie.

But, yes, it is like Coco.

Nice death bag, but how does it help us with the mortgage?

There's a guy from the bank already measuring

for when he moves in.

Shit, we have to hurry.

I shall die in the bag

so you can all sell off our sci-fi stuff at my estate sale.

Well, hey, come on, let me die. I want to go back to hell

like I did in that Halloween special.

I miss those crazy-ass demons.

And I want to meet Coco.

Shut up. I get to die.

I've been working too hard. I need a break.

So I'm going to relax in the nonexistence of the atheist afterlife.

Remember, if we want to stay in this house,

you all need to sell, sell, sell.

Three sells? He's serious.

One last thing. Terald, cancel your subscription

and sell all those disgusting fart jars.

-[zipper buzzing] -[Korvo groans]

Is he dead?

[grunting]

-[beeping] -Yep.

Man, I wanted to be the one that died.

Ugh, I can't believe I have to sell my jars.

I was going to decant my Dul� Hill tonight.

-[? intense music playing] -[beeping]

[Korvo] Ah, yes, this is exactly what I wanted.

Dead in a void. I love not existing.

But wait, if I'm able to think, doesn't that mean I am?

What afterlife is this?

[grunting]

[? ominous music playing]

Well, it seems a stranger hath arrived at our high tea.

Welcome to the plane of lore.

We are all ancient stories steeped in metaphor.

Oh, shit, this isn't atheist death.

Oh, no, good fellow.

You are in The Sleepening!

-[? intense music playing] -[screaming]

Guys, I'm so sorry to hear Korvo died.

It feels like six minutes ago,

I was telling him how estate sales make more money.

You know, the best way to honor his memory

is to buy something expensive.

Yeah, I don't know. Maybe this lighter?

Absolutely not!

That was a promotional giveaway for Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

X Paddington: Marmalade Massacre!

It has deep sentimental value!

Get the fuck out of here, Kevin!

Terry, if we want to save our home,

we gotta move merch no matter how promotional it is.

Right, sorry.

I hate you and everything you stand for,

and I never want to see your face again!

I'll cut you, Kevin! I'll cut your fuckin' face off!

Now that I've caught my breath, we can return to my threats.

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, Cherie must die.

He's got a bomb.

[? ominous music playing]

Never mind.

It's just a booger with a clock drawn on it.

[grunting]

Thank you, my royal guards.

The Wall salutes your bravery.

My people are safe from all evil.

[crowd cheering]

Why does this keep happening?

I don't know.

[Nova] [sighs] Thank Jesse that bomb was just a glob of snot.

Otherwise, that could've been bad.

I was lucky he had a bread bag fastener

for a hand and not a knife.

-Wall wine? -Mm, like you have to ask.

Sorry to interrupt, but the princess demands an audience.

-Mama. -Oh, Miss Pezlie.

-Mm, my little baby. -[Pezlie babbles]

Heard you had a heck of a day.

Another wannabe dictator tried to rise up and seize power?

Yeah, third one this month.

What is it about being shrunk down,

put in a wall, and fed nothing but candy

that makes people want to constantly overthrow the government?

[Nova] [gasps] Look!

She's eating Swedish fish.

Aww, her first Nordic food.

-Yes! Yes! -Yay. Oh!

I'm so glad we get to raise you in a safe place.

I just hope we can keep it that way.

This was just a quick pop-in before nap time.

-Bye-bye. -I'll see you two later.

[kissing]

Okay, I have been wanting to ask you something for months.

Ohh, juicy, let's hear it.

How in Jesse did you make the yard grass come back to life?

[laughs] Honestly, no clue.

It must've been some random thing the aliens did.

I just leaned into it.

People really think you've got superpowers.

Yeah, it's wild.

[Nova] Although it didn't stop that weirdo

from trying to kill you today.

I know. Ugh!

We've given our people everything they could possibly want.

So why do these dumbasses keep trying to take us down?

Honestly, I'm surprised Montez hasn't tried to kill us.

It would fit with the pattern.

Tim, Sisto, that lady who was running the lower levels.

What's her name? Uh, muck lady?

-Platinum Stevie? -Yes!

Well, I'm glad we can at least be friends

and that we haven't turned on each other.

Nova, do you still blame me for Halk's death?

Oh, Cherie.

Halk made his own decisions.

Do you still blame me for ratting you out to Sisto?

Please, that's all bygones be water

under dirt off your shoulder bridge.

You know, I bet we could really run this place

if all these micro-Mussolinis would quit trying to coup our asses.

I bet the next one has, like, some signature facial hair,

something really cool, like a goatee.

Oh, yeah, he'll probably have a name like The Pharaoh of Agony.

Oh, oh, or the, uh, The Torturer.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait. The Torturator!

Oh, yeah. And he'll be missing an ear.

Yes. And-and he'll have some catchphrase like,

"Kiss the boot, baby."

[both laughing]

[Nova] It's so stupid.

[laughs]

You know, we could pretty much create

our own dictator at this point.

Wait. Why don't we?

-What? -We could cook up some fake dictator.

Pretend he's taken us down and let him be the public face

while we run the show behind the scenes.

Lady, I think you're crunked out on Yardonnay already.

Think about it. A weirdo tyrant is way less likely to rise up

if they think another weirdo tyrant already did it.

We can disrupt the whole pattern.

So you want to what?

My Fair Lady some soft, controllable doofus

into seeming like an evil dictator?

I was thinking of it as Weird Science -ing a despot, but same diff.

It's insane.

But maybe it could work.

We just need to find the right goofball to be

our fake Polly Pocket Stalin.

[? pensive music playing]

Allow me to introduce just a taste of our pantheon.

Motlarius, the lord of the quarterly earnings call.

And Shelby, Goddess of fake news.

And I, of course, am Mosteus, the god of almost being asleep

but you're kind of still awake.

Please stop explaining your lore.

Being dead isn't supposed to feel like homework.

We are the gods of everything modern humanity worships,

the new deities.

Good for you. Now piss off.

If you are in The Sleepening,

it means you must be a god, too, but of what?

I'm not a god, I'm a vegetable alien

who wants to be in a vegetative state.

No, no, no, you have to be a god.

This is how it has always been

since man first crafted stories around the flickering fires--

Uh, let me stop you right there.

I don't give a fuck about your unnecessarily complex mythologies.

I'm going to take a nap on that skull

until my alien family finishes selling our crap.

Until then, leave me the fuck out of it.

Get his ass.

-[Korvo screaming] -[punches and kicks thudding]

[Korvo] Oh, God! Oh, it hurts!

We sold most of our sci-fi stuff, but we're still comin' up short.

Yeah, we only got a hundred bucks for the Lavatic Reactor,

and we had to throw in Terry's Wu-Tang Crocs for free.

Oh, let's just revive Korvo and figure out plan B,

which I assume is us becoming Boxcar Children.

I'll grab the death sack from the ship.

I already moved it down here by the camping supplies.

-Why? -Sorry if I like

being close to my husband!

But I sold all the camping stuff.

Hey, alright. So where's Korvo?

Wait just a Millie Bobby minute.

-Are you saying... -[all gasp]

-[all] We sold Korvo? -[? intense music playing]

Hurry. I don't like when Korvo's not here.

It makes me feel like someone's going to break into the house.

Okay, here it is.

Transaction was with somebody called

@Ga$ with a dollar sign, InGlass.

Fuck me sideways and backwards.

-You know them? -Yes.

That's the Hollywood gossiper I buy my Celebrity Fart Jars from.

-She does both? -It's called a side hustle, honey.

Chastity Price here with another Hollywood blind item.

A certain A-list funny man is getting

elbow smoothing surgery before his secret wedding

to a convicted war criminal in Hotlanta.

That's the lady, alright.

And that blind item's Ty Burrell.

But how will we find her?

Look, Yum, we've stood in front of that background.

It's the warehouse over on Route 8.

Suit up, team.

-Time to get our Korvo back. -[? dramatic music playing]

And also maybe exchange a Viggo Mortensen jar

for a Jessica Chastain, my fart queen.

And The Wall shall tremble before me,

for I am the cruel, the vengeful...

Ah, rats, I'm sorry, what was my name again?

Come on, man. Big Skip.

Sorry about that. Ugh, why can't I get this, it's hard.

It's just your name with Big.

Can we take a break so I can towel my under carriage?

It's... I'm sorry, I just, I got this sweat thing.

It like pools. It goes from my pits until under the, you know.

Okay, okay, just take five.

Ugh, maybe this was a mistake.

I'm not buying Skip as an unhinged tyrant.

Look, the first rehearsal's always rocky.

Okay? I know, I was a drama minor at UC Irvine.

We at least got to punch up "Big Skip."

-That dictator name sucks. -Your Highnesses-es.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I can be the evil guy.

You know, I don't know anything about, like, torturing

and, you know, I can't really cackle.

Oh, don't worry about that, Skip.

You're just playing a role.

We'll be running everything as usual.

Alright. If you say so.

I mean, ah, gee, you're ju-- you're both so cool.

[Nova] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's take it from the top.

[? eerie music playing]

We don't have much time. I only put a dime in the meter.

Look. The Eternal Sleep Sack.

But where's Korvo?

-[machine whirring] -[all gasp]

Holy Mary mother of Jeremy Allen White.

It's a fart harvester.

It's beautiful.

-May I help you? -[Terry] Chastity.

First up, it's just, I want to say it's an honor.

I'm a longtime Price Posse member,

but, uh, we sold you that alien by mistake, and we need him back.

Oh, I knew exactly what I was getting

when I smelled that fetid sleeping bag.

You not only knew but knew exactly?

I'm taking my business to the next level

by selling the only farts more exclusive

than Paget Brewster queefs.

This goes against everything I assumed you stood for.

Well, you assumed wrong. And guess what?

I'm not stopping with just one alien.

Oh, cool, you have more aliens?

[Jesse] She's got our Freeze Ray.

Hey, the money for that wasn't in the total sale price, Yumyulack.

Yum's got to get his taste, too.

[Jesse, Yumyulack groan]

Terry, you dumbass, run!

Oh, wait, that's me. [whimpering]

This redressed fart jar warehouse shall be your tomb!

-[evil laughter] -[? intense music playing]

[people chattering]

Bad news, everyone.

We, uh, had a coup last night.

[crowd gasps]

Yeah, there was lots of fighting and there was stabbing

an-and ultimately, Nova and I were defeated.

We had a good run.

So allow us to introduce to you our new boss, and yours.

The Wall's crazy new dictator.

A total psycho freak who's prone

to unpredictable fits of violence.

Uh, bo-bow before me.

-For I am Big Skip. -[crowd gasps]

Shit, we forgot to come up with a better name.

Who cares? It's working.

[townsperson] All hail Big Skip.

[crowd cheers]

I order you to kneel before me,

ex-Queen Cherie.

You're so scary. What choice do I have?

-Get away from her. -[crowd gasps]

-What the heck? -[grunting]

-Oh! -Oh, my God, it's the Duke.

[crowd gasps]

-I can't believe this. -It's the Duke.

Holy fucking Jesse!

All hail Duke 2.

-[crowd cheering] -[crowd] [chanting] Duke 2!

Duke 2! Duke 2!

Duke 2! Duke 2!

[townsperson] Subjugators, we love you!

Ow, stop hitting me with those ornate canes.

The details hurt.

You must pick something to be a god of.

This is realm law.

Okay, fine, I'm the god of not giving a shit. Are you happy now?

He resists the power of storytelling,

so we will make him a god.

Oh, God, help. Why is this estate sale taking so fucking long?

-[metal slices] -[birds cawing]

You'll never get my signature stink.

I don't want your stink, Terry.

What I want is your expertise.

But y-you just said this warehouse was going to be my tomb.

I changed my mind.

I think we'd make great partners.

I'm listening.

You're always ahead of the curve on which farts

are going to explode in price.

I can't tell the difference between the Harry Potter twins.

A James Phelps is worth twice as much as an Oliver.

See? With you at my side, we could make an ass ton of cash.

All your financial problems would be solved.

[ray gun fires]

It's tempting, but the truth is I only bought those stinky jars

so people could see how rich I was.

I don't actually care about the farts. I don't even have a nose.

But now, I'm not embarrassed for the world to know

I'm a hashtag broke joke.

Why the hell not? Being broke is the worst way to be.

Because I'd give up the roof over my head

to keep Korvo in my bed.

So, fuck you, Chastity Price.

-[yelps] -What are you doing? Stay back!

Who's in those jars?

Bateman, Arnett, and Hayes.

All of SmartLess? Be careful with that.

They'll mix too strong. They love the smell of their own farts.

Bye. [grunts]

-[glass shatters] -[Chastity, Terry scream]

Ah, man, I was in the middle of a cool freeze dream

where I was in the Jackass crew, and they kept saying

my pranks went too far.

Time to bring Korvo back from the dead.

Man, he's probably enjoying the heck out of not existing right now.

You assholes cut off my head.

We have decided that you shall be

the god of streaming era original content.

Oh, my God, who cares?

It all changes every 10 years anyway.

With this Roku head, the people will pray to you

for shareable passwords and limited commercials breaks.

You can't just stick that on a torso and expect it to talk.

My mouth is right here.

Oh, none of this makes any sense.

It's all so twee and fucking British.

-[screams] -[? intense music playing]

Oh, man.

What the hell are we going to do

with a big Roku remote?

[sighs]

Maybe we are silly.

[panting]

[screaming]

Korvo's back.

-[machine whirring] -[screaming stops]

Where am I? Why is this room on fire?

What's that horrible smell?

It's all the Ewoks and half the cast of The Big Bang Theory. Run!

[Solars screaming]

-[explosions booming] -No!

Ugh! Rosamund Pike! Willem Dafoe!

Vampire Weekend!

-[crying] -[explosion booms]

Take good care of Diane Keaton, my good man.

She blasted that out while filming Father of the Bride Part II.

Terry, I'm so proud of you for selling your fart jars.

We're technically still "hashtag broke jokes,"

meaning we're very poor, but at least we were able

to make that mortgage payment and keep the house.

I guess I just need to find a new hobby.

Maybe humming? [humming]

No, that won't do.

Sucks to not have the jars that defined me.

We actually saved you a little surprise.

"Jennifer Coolidge Post Emmy Win!"

-You guys. -You've earned it.

Sniff away, you wonderful bastard.

[gagging]

I don't understand. How are you here?

I buried you.

I was fighting that possum, and then it all went black.

Next thing I knew, I woke up in the yard

and all that grass was growing back.

What year is it? How many iPhones did I miss?

Whatever the aliens did to regrow the lawn

must have brought you back to life, too.

This is crazy!

Cherie, I just have two questions.

Did you touch my penis after I died?

-Of course not. -Thank God.

And did you have the baby?

[Pezlie giggling]

Meet Pezlie.

Oh, she's adorable. Look at her.

Well, our "She's All That -ing a dictator" plan flopped.

I'm not so sure.

No one was going to buy Skip as a tyrant, but the Duke?

Now, we can work with that.

I don't know. I-I really don't want to be a burden.

If we return him to power,

we'd be taking The Wall back

to what you were fighting in the first place.

That won't happen. I know Ringo.

-He's changed. -Ringo?

That's my real name.

And, no, it's not short for anything.

We should let him in on our secret project.

What project?

Yumyulack has made a critical mistake.

He cleaned up his room too fast.

[Cherie] And when you're not being careful,

stuff ends up tossed in the hamper.

[Duke] Oh, my God, the Shrink Ray.

Right there for the taking.

The Duke 2 is going to put all The Wall's resources

towards one goal,

getting that ray and using it to make us all big again.

[Nova] We're calling it Operation Biggie Size!

-That's just a placeholder. -We really got to up our name game.

[? intense music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

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