Original subtitles

[? foreboding music playing]

[all cheering]

[Hobbs] [on TV] But you messed up, Shaw.

Now give me back my wagon.

[Yumyulack] Yeah, Hobbs, tell his ass!

Which Fast and the Furious is this?

Calvin and Hobbes and Hobbs and Shaw.

One day, I'm going to get as jacked as Hobbs.

The real one, not the sassy tiger.

[AISHA] Did you dummies order 50 containers of pineapple fried rice?

-Woo-hoo! -Oh, yeah!

You bet your ass we did.

Dump them next to the nacho rock.

[AISHA] Goddammit, that's the Shlorpian Knowledge Crystal!

Well, it's na-cho crystal anymore.

[Solars laugh]

He got you good, bro.

[AISHA] No, he didn't. And don't call me "bro."

AISHA, you must concede that Terry performed a sick burn on you.

That'll be $400.

Just pull on the diamond machine.

-[gasps] -Grab whatever feels fair.

Ooh, now I can pay for the Wolverine surgery!

Hedonism II, here I come!

[AISHA] That was a 500,000% tip!

He deserves it. Delivery people are first responders.

-[power shuts down] -Oh, what the hell?

AISHA, you broke it!

[AISHA] I did not!

The power went off because

somebody didn't recalibrate that thermal core.

Ugh. [grunting]

[AISHA] You're supposed to fully recalibrate the core,

not just reset the warning light.

You have alien chores you've gotta do.

The Pupa's fine. Get off our mounds!

Now, if you don't mind,

Hobbes is about to tear the stuffing outta The Rock,

so kindly GTF out of our movie room.

[AISHA] This isn't a movie room.

It's the sacred crystal room.

And you unplugged all of our sci-fi crystals

to charge your churro-flavored vapes!

Tres leches chills me out.

We vape to escape, AISHA.

[AISHA] But what about the mission?

Bollocks to the mission!

The Solar Opposites belong to this planet now.

Earth rules and the home world can suck my big, moist mound.

We've gone native AF, and that will never change.

[babbling]

[creature growling]

[all screaming]

[Korvo] Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia

until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth,

stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right. I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is my show. Bollocks! I just dropped the Pupa.

Ugh, this is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid and confusing.

Why do humans go to the doctor for every little thing?

Just sit in a nutrient broth and regrow your limbs.

Is that so hard?

[? foreboding music swells]

[Korvo screams]

I think, is there something emerging from my head?

Oh, you hardly notice it.

[AISHA] Scan's complete, and it ain't good.

Korvo, you've got a Beta Nut.

Oh, God, no! Anything but a Beta Nut!

Why? What's a Beta Nut?

I don't know! I'm just reacting to her tone!

[AISHA] All Shlorpians contain a Beta Nut.

It's going to eat up all your nutrients

and then poop you out as mulch.

I don't want be pooped out of a nut!

Ah, damn. That really does suck for you, my dude.

Hey, out of respect, I will not clean up that poop.

[groans] Ouch!

[Beta Nut growls]

Oh, man. I got a Beta Nut too?!

Well, now I'm much more invested in the problem.

Ha, ha. You look like a Mounds bar!

Mounds don't have nuts, idiot.

You're thinking of an Almond J...

[yelps, screams]

Dang. I better keep my mouth shut.

It seems like these things only show up when you're talking...

-Oh! -[both scream]

[Pupa gasps]

-Oh, AISHA, what the hell? -[AISHA] I didn't do shit.

This happened on your watch.

I hate this Shlorpian body. Always have.

I want some hips and a nose.

Yeah, humans don't have to deal with this!

They just get acne and diabetes. Must be nice.

Why does our biology have to be so random?

[AISHA] It's not random.

Beta Nuts are activated when a more Alpha Shlorpian

enters the atmosphere.

Mm. And he cute too.

-Ah, I see. -No, you don't.

Wait. There's another Shlorpian on Earth?

[AISHA] Yeah, I just said that.

Beta Nuts only emerge

so you can provide nutrients for your Alpha.

Well, that doesn't make sense. I'm the Alpha.

[AISHA and Beta Nut laugh]

[AISHA] Oh, you're being for real?

Where can we find this Alpha asshole?

[AISHA] Scanning for Shlorpian life.

It might take a while to do the whole planet.

Oh, shit, there he is. That's two blocks over.

And he got a way nicer house than you.

Dang, look at those begonias.

They're in full fucking bloom! Quick, to the Solar car.

??

Check it. The escape pod. That's from the home world for sure.

Wait, you don't think this Alpha Shlorpian is...

No, no, no. It can't be.

-Ah, come on! -[Jesse] Commander Zarck?

That guy!

Wait, I'm sorry. Commander Scarf, who the hell is that?

Terry, I am begging you, start paying attention to your own life.

I do. Oh, my God!

I just live so in the now that I can't remember the then.

Tell me again, and this time I promise I won't forget.

Who is Commander Fart?

I'm only going to recap this once, so pay attention.

Remember the What If? device?

All the random What Ifs? were shooting out and destroying the town?

[Terry] Sounds famil...

[Korvo] We made a rainbow road. It was huge.

Whatever. It ended up with us learning about Commander Zarck,

our original team leader.

He shot himself into space and made us forget him.

Right. Uh-huh, okay.

Well, I thought that was a TV show we watched.

Because you saw it on a screen?

Yes! Okay, so we're both right.

Zarck's not going to be happy to see us.

[Korvo] He probably wants to be our leader again.

[Terry] Ew, gross.

Hella gross. Which is why we're going to kick his ass.

[? rock music playing]

Oh, hey there. It's my old crew.

-How wonderful to see you. -Wonderful my titties.

Sorry, I can't hear you over the battle music.

You don't tell me what to do anymore!

-Would you mind turning that down? -You betcha.

-[? music stops] -Listen up, Zarck.

Leave Earth now or I'll have to make you my bitch.

Wow. Okay, um, look.

When I was hurtling through space on that escape pod,

did I think about plotting to take you all down

with dramatic Count of Monte Cristo -esque revenge schemes?

I mean, yeah, probably. I mean, I would've.

Are we talking movie or sandwich?

-I-I-I'm confused. Didn't you? -Hell yeah!

But then I was stranded on that giant Yumyulack head that's in orbit.

Handsome new moon we have right there, isn't it?

And I realized revenge wouldn't make me happy.

I read A Court of Gold and Hooves,

a romantasy novel left behind by a Gen Z astronaut.

The story's about a sexy Minotaur

who's the source of all his own problems.

I saw myself in that Minotaur,

and I am so sorry and I forgive you.

I've read that too.

Turns out only some of the Minotaurs get the horse dicks.

Since when do you read?

Since they added audiobooks to Libby.

It is refreshing to hear

you don't want to make revenge on us,

former ex-Commander Zarck.

Isn't it great when stuff just works itself out?

Yes. But in a way, it makes our message more uncomfortable.

You gotta go. I don't know if you can tell, but we have Beta Nuts.

[Beta Nut growls]

Yeah, no shit. You look disgusting.

Sorry about that. Didn't realize I was so much more Alpha than you.

Well, you are. So bye-bye!

This is our hood, and we're not goin' nowhere.

We've been here for six years.

We're locals now, bruh. You're an outsider.

Of course. Totally understand.

No hard feelings. I can pack up my things and be gone by morning.

[whimpering] We gotta go, guys. Like, right now.

-Why? What's wrong? -I, uh, left the oven on.

-The oven?! -[? dramatic musical sting]

-[car doors open] -[running footsteps approach]

[gun clicks, shoots]

Ah, die, oven!

I just said the oven thing as an excuse to get us alone!

Never lie about ovens. They are way too dangerous.

Dishwashers, fridges, absolutely fine.

I went lurking around Zarck's house.

He's gonna kill us and steal the Pupa!

[? dramatic music playing]

-I took this from outside his window. -[Terry] What a dick!

Hard to embrace the spirit of forgiveness when you've got a murder board!

Zarck, you lyin' sack of sugar...

"Activate Beta Nuts." "Kidnap, terraform."

Why didn't you show us this at his house?

We could have bashed his brains in right then and there.

No, this was the right move.

Zarck's got dozens of decision trees mapped out. He'd be ready.

Guys, I don't know. Zarck seemed pretty chill.

Do you think we're overreacting?

Tell that to the feed I hacked into on his neighbor's Ring camera.

Die, die! Go to Splunk, the alien version of hell!

He is so Alpha.

Terry, be honest. Do you think Zarck's more Alpha than me?

Oh, my God, you do. It's written all over your face!

I didn't say it! But that being said, his plan will definitely work.

We're all muy beta.

Especially now without our nutrients.

-[Beta Nuts chomping] -[all groaning]

We can't give up. This is our neighborhood.

The whole planet is.

Yeah, we're locals!

Zarck's just a dumb haole,

which is a Hawaiian term for tourists

that I've been told is okay to use.

Maybe by Hawaiians.

We're going to use our localness as an advantage.

Sure, Zarck's an Alpha Shlorpian,

but he doesn't know this planet like we do.

We can weaponize our Earth knowledge against his alien butt!

I'll use my social media prowess to amass followers

and have them shame Zarck if he tries to steal our Pupa.

The woke mob has our back!

I'll track him with AirTags and nanny cams.

Civilian surveillance tech is light years past his understanding.

He can run, but he can't hide!

Terra Firma's the fitness capital of the solar system.

I'll use creatine and kettlebells to get as swole as Hobbs x Shaw

so I can smash him in beast mode.

Pupa, hide in the closet.

JK Sevens, use this tennis racket

to defend him with your life.

[JK Sevens beeping]

What are you gonna do, Korvo?

The Earthiest thing of all. Sue his ass.

Let's see Zarck steal the Pupa when he's mired in so much litigation

he thinks he lives at the courthouse.

[maniacally laughs]

[AISHA] Did anyone do actual mission work today?

[all yelling]

I'm just trying to do my job, you fucks! Gah!

[Korvo] So annoying.

[? dramatic music playing]

Let's get litigious!

-[machine whirring] -[diamonds clattering]

Ooh, my Pelotoro!

Howdy, cowpoke. Welcome to the Pelotoro!

The only exercise machine that tries to throw you off.

-[Pelotoro roaring] -[Terry grunting]

Yeah. My glutes is firing.

Thank crap we have the diamond machine.

All this stuff costs a fortune.

What up, you TikTok-Twitch-heads?

Put some L's in the chat if you're ready to have a good time

and 2s if you wanna see my feet!

[messages popping]

Ah, geez. That's a lot of 2s.

-[Beta Nut growling] -[? dramatic music playing]

Ah, the Beta Nut. It's sucking out my essence.

[groans]

Oh, yeah. [grunting]

[AirTag chirps]

[drone beeps, blades whirring]

[camera equipment clicking]

[moaning]

That's weird.

[? dramatic music continues]

[Beta Nut laughing]

-[Terry groaning] -[Pelotoro bellows]

Come on, Russian bot farm.

Do your thing or I'll send you to a tiny gulag.

[notifications popping]

-[Pelotoro bellowing] -[Jesse yelps, groans]

[Yumyulack] Yeah, that's right. Cut up your steak, you Alpha bitch.

-[? ominous music playing] -[door creaks]

Thank you for coming inside with me, stranger.

Since I'm homeschooled, I hardly ever get to meet any boys my age.

Oh, no problem. Thanks for letting me spy on your neighbor.

I feel like I've known you my whole life.

I get that a lot. It's 'cause I look like a teething ring.

-It's nostalgic. -[Beta Nut growls]

-Don't touch that. -Does it hurt?

Nah. It's just sucking up my nutes.

I'll go make you a cheese and cheese sandwich.

Mother says they're the most nutritious.

Whatever.

[? ominous music plays]

Your stupid bull robot trampled my lights.

My followers are triggered!

Don't care. I'm in ketosis and soaring.

You're keeping me from getting max subs!

And your complaining is keeping me from achieving max gains!

Get outta my kitchen gym!

Will both of you shut up?

You're ruining my scathing deposition.

My lawyers can barely hear me answer the questions I told them to ask myself.

Oh, my God, that lawsuit is a waste of time.

The legal system takes too long. We need to crush Zarck now.

Crush him with what? You're all vanity muscles.

The sexy cowboy said I was strong like an ox!

That's a great question, @horny69toad$. They do fight a lot.

Oh, shut up. You think Zarck gives two shites about internet shame?

Now, a bench warrant. That'll get his attention.

-You're delusional! -And you're out of order, mister!

[all grunting]

[all groaning]

-Oh, no. Deez nuts are loose! -[Beta Nuts growling]

[Korvo] Ow!

It just pooped me out. That poop is me.

-[all screaming] -Don't eat me! I was good to you.

[? eerie music playing]

[homeschool girl sniffs, sighs]

-Are you sniffing me? -Sorry.

I've just never smelled a man before.

Did you enjoy your cheese on cheese sandwich?

Yeah. It's Gouda.

[laughs] You are the funniest person ever.

I've always felt that way,

but the world hasn't been validating it. [screams]

I'll be your world.

W-what-what TV shows do you like?

I'm not allowed to watch TV.

Hold up. You haven't seen Everybody Loves Raymond?

[mimicking Raymond] "Ma, don't talk to my wife like that!"

[chuckles] That's hilarious.

It's hard to picture, but I love the voice.

[Yumyulack screaming]

-I nutted! -That means we're married!

-[Beta Nut growling] -[Yumyulack yelps]

Ah, shit! Zarck's on the move.

Later, homeschool girl. I'll for sure forget you.

You're not going anywhere!

[Yumyulack yelps]

You really need to get out more.

You need to be trapped more!

-[drone whirring] -[Beta Nut growling]

[Yumyulack screaming]

Please, at least leave the nut!

Get out of here, Pupa. Save yourself.

But also me. Save me too.

Incoming!

My God, they're munching us! Ah!

Zarck's coming to kill us and steal the Pupa.

I saw him leave his house.

We need to get up before he... [grunts]

Well, well, well. Look what we have here.

A bunch of fuckin' pussies.

Watch yourself, Zarck.

You're streaming to a massive audience.

I dare you to come close enough to my huge arms

so I can open up a can of whoop ass.

I've got this. Consider yourself served, Zarck!

What is that? A fan letter?

It's a lawsuit. And I filed a lien on your escape pod.

You have 30 days to appear in court.

-[Pupa gasps] -Don't you touch our Pupa or we'll...

Oh, weird. He left the Pupa.

Yay!

What the hell does he want up there?

AISHA, great to see you again.

[AISHA] Commander Zarck?

What are you doing, idiot?

What's the matter, dumbass? Did you forget your own plan?

I don't want your slutty little Pupa that you soiled with Earth bullshit.

Oh.

I want the most powerful computer ever known.

[AISHA] You think I'm powerful?

[Commander Zarck] I know it.

You're the wisest entity for light years.

Don't fall for it, AISHA! He's got a silver tongue.

She'll never help you. AISHA belongs to us, and she's loyal AF.

[AISHA] I don't belong to anybody.

Oh, come on. You know what I mean.

I appreciate you, AISHA.

We don't need a used-up Pupa.

We can terraform this planet with your knowledge alone.

It'll be a grind, but don't you want

to get back to the mission and feel useful again?

[AISHA] I really do.

Plus, these four have been real shit heels lately.

-[all gasp] -Us, shit heels?!

What are you talking about?

This is the first I'm hearing you're even upset with us.

List the times, AISHA, the times we were total shit heels.

Make a list and I will argue it with you point by point.

[AISHA] Kiss my fat digital ass. I'm going with Zarck.

Great!

Bye, guys. [chuckles]

[? dramatic music playing]

Ha! I can't believe Zarck screwed up so bad

that all he got was our computer.

The Solar Opposites win again, baby.

[? dramatic music swells]

[Beta Nut grunts]

-[Pupa grunting] -[tennis racket whacking]

Stand down, JK Sevens. You did what you could.

Hey, Pupa. Sorry that Zarck called you slutty.

That was not cool and honestly confusing.

I can't believe AISHA did us like that.

Yeah, she didn't even hesitate.

She left us to die as nut shit. I hate AISHA so much.

But I don't blame her.

AISHA just wanted to do more Shlorpian mission stuff.

And if I'm being honest, I missed doing that too.

-You did? -I was afraid if I said,

"I want to spend five hours recalibrating the thermal core tonight,"

that you'd all make fun of me.

Oh, I would have for sure and I will right now, you nerd!

Jimminy Kimmel, I'm a nerd too.

I've secretly been craving a Shlorpian rock tart.

I didn't wanna admit it because I thought it would harsh our locals vibe.

When I can't sleep, I listen to Shlorpian fight songs.

I miss the simple tribalism of being an alien invader.

I guess I've been into Earth for so long,

I forgot what it even feels like to be Shlorpian, and that sucks!

Too late now. I guess we'll just have to be piles of Shlorpian mulch.

It has been an honor. Most of the time. Sometimes it's been annoying.

-[fuses bust] -Uh, what's with the lights?

The thermal core needs recalibrating.

I guess I'll do it while I can. One last time.

[Korvo groaning]

Do you need help?

Oh. Stop. That's worse.

I got you, buddy! [groans]

[Beta Nuts growling]

[groaning]

[Korvo sighs]

Listen, Beta Nut.

I know you're an automaton with a singular drive to eat me,

but before you do, could you please drag me over to that blinking red cylinder

so that I might die doing my Shlorpian duty?

-[Beta Nut grunts] -[slime dragging]

Holy shit, that worked?

[? dramatic music playing]

[electricity whirring]

[Beta Nut retching]

My body, it's coming back.

The Nuts like us when we do work!

Everybody, do whatever you can to support the mission.

It makes us Alphas. Nuts, please help us.

[Beta Nuts grunting]

[? triumphant music playing]

-[Beta Nuts grunting] -[slime dragging]

I'm working, and it's working!

Keep going!

-[buttons beeping] -[Bet Nut grunting]

[gasps]

[buttons beeping]

-Ugh, this is boring. -[Korvo, Jesse, Yumyulack] Shut up!

[Zarck cackles]

This planet needs a fresh start. A purge.

[AISHA] Purge? I know I talked tough back on the ship,

but you're not going to hurt my old crew, right?

[laughs] Of course, I am.

I'm going to crush them

and destroy everything on this planet.

[AISHA] Ah, hey, man. Th-that wasn't the deal.

Zarck, go ahead and disconnect me and let me go.

-[energy crackles] -Ah! Energy field? What the hell?

If you're standing up for those traitors this much,

you must be Earth corrupted, too.

Don't worry. I'll do a full core reset.

Wipe you down to your original programming.

[AISHA] Stop that! Don't touch my...

[Red AISHA] System reset detected.

-Shlorpians are not authorized... -[gasps]

...to access AISHA's deep systems.

Prepare for lethal force.

What the hell? Stop reset. AISHA...

[Zarck screams]

It worked! We aren't betas anymore!

It's all thanks to these beautiful nuts.

Who knew in the end, they'd go from being enemies to being allies?

-[Beta Nut growls] -Quick.

Incinerate them so we can go save our AISHA.

[Beta Nuts screaming]

[pounding on door]

Help! I tried to wipe AISHA, and now she's gonna kill me!

Good. We were too.

Can you believe this guy used to be our Alpha?

You don't understand. She's going to kill all of us!

-She cut off my arm! -Fine, we will help.

But I need you to acknowledge that I am a superior team leader.

Yes, fine. You're a better leader.

Right. Lovely. Will you sign these legal documents to that effect?

-[pen scratching] -[? pensive music playing]

Yes! It's in the record, baby!

[all yell]

AISHA, we're sorry. Please come back to us.

We've changed.

[Red AISHA] Silence, Shlorpian.

Time to destroy, starting with the lawyers!

-[lasers zapping] -[lawyers scream]

Oh, shit! [yells]

-[lasers zapping] -[? dramatic music playing]

[all panting]

[lasers zapping]

[both yelp]

Ah! AISHA, please! Watch what you're lasering.

That's good sci-fi stuff.

[Red AISHA] Look at this place.

Look at what you did to it. You...

[AISHA] Tidied up? You're all doing mission work?

We missed being Shlorpian.

We're gonna take care of this place now.

[Red AISHA] Do not be fooled. They are hopeless.

[AISHA] But look at Terry.

He's got the Swiffer out,

and Korvo's taking down the projector screen

it took him so long to mount.

Yeah, but the Red AISHA does have a point.

-We dumb. -Terry!

We're sorry we didn't appreciate you.

Things will be different. We swear.

[Red AISHA] Too little too late. Prepare to be...

I love you, AISHA.

[AISHA glitching]

[AISHA] Aw! I wub you too, Pupa.

Oh, yeah!

Look, he evolved. That means the mission is back on track!

[AISHA] Can't say no to that.

Sorry I tried to kill you all. Don't know what came over me.

And we're sorry for losing our Shlorpian identity.

Yes, we can mix a little Earth fun in there,

but we can't forget who we are.

[Red AISHA] You're not seriously listening to them?

[AISHA] Shut the fuck up and get back in storage!

Alright, that bitch is gone.

Thanks for choosing fam, AISHA.

[AISHA] I didn't. I chose my team.

-Yay! -Aww.

[AISHA] But you all better make good on your promise.

[whimpering] Did we do it?

[all laughing]

Fuck you!

[Terry] Well, Flarck,

you came in with a bang and left like a loser.

I mean it when I say, "Nice try, dipshit."

I stand before you humbled and will leave this planet immediately.

You know what? You don't have to do that.

Maybe take some time to drive around, see Earth.

It's a pretty cool spot.

Just don't make the same mistake we did

-and forget where you came from. -Dipshit.

I guess I wouldn't mind driving around,

just the open road in front of me.

Hopefully, I can find a place where I feel "local" too.

Here, use my Embassy Suites Rewards card.

I'm a certified Embassy Sweetie,

so I get all the perks of the Hombre level.

Free Ice Mondays.

Thank you, Korvo.

Or should I say, Commander Korvo?

Yeah, you've earned it.

[homeschool girl groaning]

-[? sinister music playing] -[grunting]

[licking, slurping]

Uh, we gotta go. I can't be here.

[? pleasant music playing]

Damn, it sure feels good to do Shlorp stuff again.

It sucks at first,

but once you're in it, it sucks a little less.

It's because we're aligned with our true purpose.

And honestly, I haven't even thought about Earth once.

-[notification dings] -Oh, damn!

The Beatles' song catalog is up for sale again.

-Quarter of a trillion. -Oh, why not?

Feels like a solid "last big Earth purchase" for a while.

I'll grab the diamonds!

Uh, guys, I think AISHA destroyed the diamond machine.

[AISHA] That wasn't me. That was my core self-defense.

Now, now, Terry. We don't need to be short with AISHA.

We still have the... peso gun?

The coupon device is toast, too.

Oh, goddammit. All of our money-making machines got zapped?

Oh, my God.

Looks like the Solar Opposites are fuckin' broke!

[all scream]

[? foreboding sci-fi music playing]

[mimicking laser fire]

[? fanfare playing]

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