All language subtitles for Cooties.2014.1080p.BluRay.x264.YIFY

Thank you.

Yeah, it's a beautiful summer day in
Chicago today.

Temperatures expected to reach the upper
80s. In recent news, a health advisory

was reported from Happy Poultry Farms.
Now they're telling us that they are

issuing a full recall for their pre
-cooked chicken tenders and also their

buffalo chicken tenders.

Now, this only applies to the chicken
that was packaged on Friday and

to suburbs such as Fortchick and in
Danville.

Morning, honey.

Rise and shine.

Morning, Mom.

How's the book going?

Good. I've been working really hard on
it, rewriting it. It's the first draft,

you know. Did you get a chance to read
the manuscript?

I did, and I loved it.

Any thoughts, criticisms?

No, I thought it was wonderful.

I'm not going to become a better writer
if I don't get constructive criticism.

Please, I'm begging you.

Well, um, I did think the characters
were a tiny bit unlikable.

That's more like it.

Noted. I was a little slow.

I found myself a little bored, to be
honest.

And I heart honesty.

I also didn't know what was going on or
where we were. It wasn't explained very

well. Frankly, I couldn't figure out the
plot. It was kind of insane. And there

was no specificity in the writing in
terms of time and place. Okay. And where

was the inciting incident? Okay. Okay.
This is... Wow.

Thank you.

But mostly, I loved it. Now, get on up
and teach those summer school kids how

write like you.

Chapter one.

The boat was evil, but he loved the
boat.

Chapter one.

The boat was evil.

But he didn't know just how evil.

The boat was evil.

But it was an acceptable level of evil.

Chapter 1. The sea -faring vessel, the
schooner, was evil.

It's getting there.

Jesus. I'll come full circle. I'm very,
very utterly depressed.

What's up, amigo?

Hey.

You're not my dealer.

No, I'm Clint. You don't sell shrooms,
do you?

No, I'm Clint Hadson.

Is that Hudson?

Hadson. Yeah, it's him.

I'll let him in.

Should I put no on the shrooms?

Right.

Excuse me, I'm having trouble.

Don't you forget, mister, you're
grounded. And when school's over, you

straight home. Fuck you, Mom.

Oh, yeah?

Fuck you!

There's so much.

Can't I take it off?

No. The playground is a war zone.

Watch it! Sorry, didn't see that. Well,
maybe you should take in your

surroundings more.

Yeah.

Had some.

Hi. Call me Clint.

Righteous, thanks so much for coming in
on such short notice. Looks like Mrs.

Kenner's down with a stomach flu, or
maybe she's pregnant.

Because she is Mormon, so that's always
a possibility.

I'm Vice Principal Sim.

Principal Hodges is in the Bahamas, and
you know what they say, when the cat's

away, the vice principal becomes acting
principal.

Yeah, forgot to say that. Teacher's
lounge is just across the way, so go get

yourself a nice hot cup of joe. Although
it's not strong enough for my taste to

deal with these terrors. I need the high
-octane stuff.

Isn't that right, Mrs. Gordon?

she's hilarious a lot of personal
tragedy come on into this office pull up

ball chair got a cell phone um yeah
great i'm gonna have to take

it are you serious yep this is a no cell
phone campus and we can't ask the kids

to give up something we're not willing
to do so hand over that crackberry

now i gotta warn you i run a pretty
tight hip yeah climb it up

Actually, it's funny you should say
that. I'm actually writing a book about

ship. Well, it's more of a boat.

You're asking me to describe my
pedagogical philosophy.

There are some charter schools out of
Boston that are absolutely

education. I'm not sure you know how air
quotes work. I want to bring these kids

back to a pre -digital era.

No cell phones, and I don't care if it's
raining labradoodles. I want to get

those kids outside during recess. Heck.

I'll lock him out. And I will do that.
Now, here's a map of the school. Mrs.

Kenner is in room 12.

Oh, I don't need that. I actually used
to go here. Class of 88.

Hey, you know what that is?

That's not a site.

All right.

Didn't joke about guns, though. No. Not
in a school. Yeah.

That's not funny.

Yeah, my partner's name is David. He is
awesome.

He's a little bit older, but weirdly has
a... Amazing body.

If I'm being completely honest.

He does have these fantastic balls that
I just love to play with. They're firmer

and fuzzier.

Tennis partner.

David's my tennis partner.

Hi there.

Do you know which one of these is Mrs.
Kenner? Buddy, I don't know what that

bitch drinks out of. Here's what I do
know. I know that this... is a race

button. It emits a shit -crazy alarm
that'll inform local police who arrive

within two minutes should you decide to
get touchy and unfeely.

You wanna know why I have a race button?
Don't answer. I want to tell you.

Because the government of the state of
Illinois doesn't trust the citizenry

enough to pass safe, sensible, conceal
-and -carry laws.

Okay.

So any of you... Hmm.

She's a little tightly wound, huh?

Oh, my God.

Lucy?

Lucy McCormick?

It's Clint. Oh, my God!

What are you doing here? I'm subbing for
Mrs. Kenner.

I heard you lived in New York. Yeah, I
did, in Brooklyn. But now I'm in town

a while, staying at Sherman.

Oh.

Who's Sherman?

My mom.

Ah. But it's like a guest house, so...
So you're a teacher now?

No. Well, I mean, yeah.

I ended up studying a little in New
York, but really, I'm a writer.

Well, God, it's a scorcher out there,
huh?

Unseasonably warm.

Yeah.

Wade, have you met Clint?

I have not. Wade Johnson, pleased to
meet you with meat to please you.

Actually, we kind of met earlier. You
parked me in.

What are you talking about?

Nothing. It's fine. It's just that,
um...

You parked so close that I couldn't get
out of my car. My truck's got a dual

-rail wheel.

I'm sorry?

Dual -rail wheel.

Dual -rail.

Dual -rail.

Dual -rail wheel.

Dual -rail.

Dual -rail wheel.

Dual.

Rail. Rail -rail.

Got a dual -rail wheel. Dual -rail.

Dual -rail.

It's got two extra wheels on the back
part of it.

So, Lint. Heard tell you were a writer.

What have you written?

Nothing that you've read yet.

I'm actually working on my first novel.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's actually why I'm
home. You know, just to hunker down and

bang out that story.

But I need a few shekels.

Hebrew for currency.

Doug. Wow.

Good for you. That's so exciting.

Thanks. What's it about?

Oh, well, it's a horror novel.

It's about a guy who buys a boat, but
the boat turns out to be possessed.

Like Christine.

I'm sorry?

Christine. Stephen King. The guy buys a
car and it's possessed.

Um, but this is about a boat.

Feels like Speed 2.

Starring Sondra Bullock, yes, of course,
and... Keanu Reeves?

Jason Patrick!

Right. I am the biggest Jason Patrick
fan. Jason Patrick.

Locked, boys.

They're not locked.

Keeper. They're vampires.

They got locked.

All right, let's roll.

Your classroom is actually right next to
mine. I can walk you. Oh, um, yeah.

That would be great.

You are so fucking ugly.

My butthole had a butthole?

That's what you look like. Yeah, you
look like my butthole's ass.

You look like you got chicken pox. If
chicken pox was made out of hemorrhoids.

Yeah, if chicken pox was made out of my
ass.

And here we are, fourth grade. That's
me.

And you're right up there.

Good luck.

Call her if you need anything.

Or you can ask Wade. The athletic office
is right down there.

Yeah, what's with that guy? Seems like a
bit of a dick.

He's my boyfriend.

Hey, did somebody order a sub?

Tough crowd.

My uncle's cancer took his stomach, but
his divorce

took his mind.

Anywho...

That was my weekend.

Begin class. Maybe we were created by an
all -knowing God who sent down his only

son to die for us.

Or maybe we were monkey people who sat
around crapping in each other's mouths

until one day we were like, I don't like
all this hair. Just on my head and

crotch, please.

Who can say?

I can't.

Because the state of Illinois doesn't
allow me to, Hank.

I know I'm the substitute, but I'm also
a friend.

It wasn't so long ago that I was sitting
exactly where you are. In fact, I don't

tell those other teachers, but I want
you to call me by my first name.

Kinds? What?

No. You can't say... Okay, no.

My name is Clint.

You know what?

Just call me Mr. Hadson.

You know, I'm not really a teacher.

I'm only substituting to pay the bills.

I'm actually writing a horror novel.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, real cool, asshole.

Excuse me? What's your name?

Patriot. He got held back.

Shut up!

Your name is Patriot?

That's right.

I was born on September 11th. God sent
me on that day.

That's why, on my 18th birthday, I'm
joining the Marines just to kick some

head ass.

Wow. A lot to unpack there.

First off, could you keep the language
down, please, Patriot? Otherwise, I'll

send you outside.

Yeah, but you were just talking. I just
put out like a hundred vaginas.

All right.

Give me that.

Why? Because you're not allowed to have
it. Your principal told me. How about I

start crying and then suggest to my
parents about how you touched me

inappropriately?

Wait. You didn't happen to write
something on a Prius this morning, did

Okay.

So, I actually have the first draft of
my new novel with me.

Who would like to come up here and read
the first chapter aloud?

And then you guys can give me some
notes.

Great. What's your name?

Calvin.

Calvin? Come on down.

Chapter 1.

Trent always loved boats, but when he
spent his life savings on the Anna

he didn't know he just charted a course
to evil.

I'm going to take Patriot to the nurse's
office. Come on.

Come on.

Don't be a baby.

Come on, Patriot. Let me see.

Come on.

This is going to need stitches. There's
nothing I can do about it here. He's

going to have to go to the hospital.

That's okay.

Patriot can handle it.

Right, Patriot? You're a Marine.

Beautiful, beautiful tree.

So, one of my students tried to eat
another one's face off.

How's your day going?

I'm really sorry about this morning.

What happened?

When I called your boyfriend a dick, I
didn't know you guys were dating, and

I feel really awkward. No, in your
classroom. What happened?

Oh. A girl just went apeshit on this
kid. She was biting him. I had to send

to the nurse.

Did he send her to the principal's
office?

Are you kidding?

I wanted to give her a high five. That
kid was a dick.

You bit my friend's face.

What, are you sick or something?

Hey, you bitch!

I wanted to say to them, like, guys, I'm
a writer who moved here from New York

City. Like, I'm way cooler than your
regular teacher. This day could have

super fun.

Kids are always rough on subs.

Yeah, but this is different from what we
were like growing up. They're, like,

not even kids.

I'm single.

La la.

Yeah, I'm such a catch.

You'll be beating off the women in Fort
Chicken.

Oh, yeah.

Fort Chicken girls.

Yeah, the hottest.

So I may not be seeing things correctly,
but I'm

pretty sure I might be seeing some of
your students possibly eating Mr.

Peterson.

I have bursitis. I have bursitis in my
elbow!

It's good to see you, too. Oh, look.

Carnage.

vice principal sims okay i know i have
but a line has been crossed

you can't eat the teachers man

We've got to seek out some higher
ground.

I mean, I hated my teachers in school.
Hated them, but I never tried to kill

them. They got cooties.

What?

That's the other thing that girl Shelly
had.

Cooties. She's dirty.

Calvin, that's not very nice.

No, he's right.

In a way.

If you'll follow me, you'll see. Wade,
you're not hurt, are you? No, ma 'am,

good. She has the raised blisters of
a...

to get inside your head.

Oh.

Guess she's gone to commit murder
somewhere else.

All right, ladies, here's the plan.

We get down on that ledge, jump to the
ground, high -tail it like linebackers

our cars.

Boom! I thought you just tried to outrun
them. You said they were too fast for

you. Yeah, but that was before I had a
weapon.

A violin?

Not just a violin.

It's an instrument of death.

I propose we create a symphony of death.
Everyone grab an instrument.

Here. We take this.

Oh, yeah, that'll be real effective.

I'm offering leadership. What are you
offering? Besides throwing hot pots of

coffee at people or writing a stupid
book that no one wants to read about

guy who wants to fuck a boat?

It's not about a guy who wants to fuck a
boat. It's a book about obsession and

possession on the high line. He wants to
fuck the boat, and you know it. Listen,

little Stevie King. There's an invention
called a cell phone that your stupid,

stupid school confiscated. We need to
get to the principal's office, grab our

phones, and call someone who can help
quarantine these kids.

We're in a total lockdown, in case you
haven't noticed.

We have been breached, and there are
little cootie kids right out there in

hallway who are willing to fucking rip
your face off with their little teeth.

Well, shit. With their little baby
teeth. Their big teeth haven't even come

yet.

You know what? You carry on with your
symphony of death. I'll sneak around the

school where there aren't any kids. Oh,
you sneak around, huh?

Sneak around like a little hobbit?

No way. I'm taking the fight to them
like a fucking orc.

And that is the difference between you
and me. I don't want to scurry around

hallway like a common squirrel.

Both of you, be quiet!

The only way we're going to get anywhere
is if we turn our frowns upside down

and try to get along.

Okay? You know how I'd be the terrorist
after 9 -11?

With a positive attitude.

It's true. She did.

I don't think going back for our cell
phones is necessarily a great idea, even

though it's... Wonderful that you're
trying, and we welcome all suggestions.

Wait, I just thought of something.

What is it?

It's just an idea for Kill Them All.

The hero's trapped on the boat, and my
mom had this note where she didn't

understand why he wouldn't just call for
help. I got it. He left his phone on

the dock.

What are you talking about?

Oh, sorry. It's my book.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Unbelievable. Your book is called Heal
Them All? Okay, ladies, can we convene

the book club a little later on, please?
Wade, I think maybe your idea is maybe

an unwise idea also.

Seriously, Lucy?

I'm sorry.

So what do you propose?

That we wait here until 3 o 'clock.

Um, okay, what happens at 3 o 'clock? At
3 o 'clock, the parents will come to

pick up their kids.

We can get up on the roof and signal
them for help.

I like that idea. It's a good one.
Better than your fucking idea.

Anything is better than your idea.

Clint,

are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. What happened to your
arm?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

What? It's just a scratch. Son of a
bitch, he's infected. No, no, no, it's

nothing. You get cooties, motherfucker.

Time for a quarantine.

You're coming with me.

Don't resist it! Don't resist authority!

Wait! Wait! Let me out, asshole.

Nobody else go in there.

I'm going in.

Doug, don't...

Everybody, please listen up.

Guys, don't make me ask again. Quiet.
Quiet, please.

Please be quiet. None of us are talking.

Rebecca.

Quiet, please.

Thank you.

It is my opinion that Clint has been
infected with the virus kids have out

there. Oh, my God.

But it doesn't seem to be affecting him
in the same way. He's only exhibiting

mild stomach flu symptoms, nausea,
cramps, a little diarrhea, vomiting,

anal leakage.

But it is my hypothesis that we are safe
from him for now. He will not attempt

to murder us or tear us limb from limb.
He just has the flu. Hold on a second.

How do you know all this?

Well, Rebecca, I just examined his fluid
with two of history's oldest scientific

instruments.

My hand.

Oh. Don't worry, I'm wearing gloves.

Oh, no, you're not.

No, you're not.

Okay,

okay, it doesn't matter. Listen, the sub
stays locked in the closet. If he gets

a clean bill of health at 3 o 'clock,
then we'll talk.

Go time.

Keep your distance, Grisham.

There's vomit there.

What's the step? How are you feeling?

Better.

That's yours.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I know that car. That's the PTA
president, Rachel Dobkin's mom. She

get you early to open the gate.

Hey, hey, over here!

And I'm just thinking about the
children.

24 -7, all right? Come on, Racer, let's
go.

You want to go to soccer practice or
not, honeypuckle?

Make sure all the doors are secure.

Why? Why is his blood black?

I don't know.

That's what I want to find out.

I think I'm going to dissect him.

the washroom and and well you wash it
out with soap so it won't get infected

okay how is it what do you think my

god i can't believe you're doing this

i can't believe boys peeing though
that's disgusting that's disgusting it's

disgusting to have boys peering at each
other's penises what would be wrong with

that okay we got bigger things to worry
about well This is interesting.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

I'm going to extract the brain.

Oh, that doesn't work.

Thanks,

Maria. It appears the preliminary
reports have been confirmed. Children

some reason, violently attacking their
parents in front of Four Chicken

Elementary. We now have reports of
victims around the city, and authorities

no idea what is going on. Stay inside.

Stay in your cars. Do not go outside.

Dude, this is totally tripping me out.

Are you watching, Stu?

Hi.

Can I get you anything?

I'd really rather be left alone, Lucy.

Wade, can we please talk?

I don't want to talk.

I know you don't, but I do.

Why don't you talk to your boyfriend
about it?

Clint and I went to school together.

I haven't seen him in 15 years.

I walked in this morning.

Guy was fucking hitting on you, and you
were eating it up. Are you kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding you, Lucy. You can't
even deny it.

Deny it.

Clint and I were just talking, and...

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I
didn't mean to. Oh.

Look, I'm sorry, but I know neither of
us thought this was how the day was

to go when we woke up this morning.

No, no, we didn't.

I thought today was going to go way
different than this. You have no idea

your ring yesterday, Lucy.

And then I walk in, and I see you
laughing and smiling at that little

You know what I thought?

She looks so pretty when she smiles.

How come she never smiles at me like
that?

Talk to you later, Lucy.

And go fuck yourself.

Prognosis? This is not good.

As you can see, most of the gray and
white matter has been... Rebecca,

quiet, please.

Most of the gray and white matter has
been severely infected.

It's showing the beginning stages of
necroptosis and decomposition.

All these black areas are basically
dead. I mean, they can run, jump, eat,

they're not human anymore.

Not really. Once again, how do you know
all this?

I learned all about the brain when I had
a six -inch spike lodged in my skull as

a child, which is the reason why you may
have noticed that sometimes when I'm

talking, I use the wrong rowboat.

Word.

Word.

Now, bacteria can't cross the blood
-brain barrier, so I'm thinking this is

likely a virus.

What kind of virus would do that?

Pretty nasty one.

Calvin said that Shelly Linker was the
first one to bite, right?

Yeah. But what about Clint and Tamara?
All it did was make them sick.

I have a theory about this.

Hold on a moment.

Tamara?

Yeah?

Have you achieved men's feet?

What?

Asking you if you've had your period
yet.

Um, I really don't want to say. You wear
a bra, right?

Yeah. Thank you.

Gave you an A in sex ed, Tamara.

I'm a little disappointed you don't know
what menses are. Why is sex ed always

taught by the creepiest teacher? Clint,
quiet please.

It seems that the virus is susceptible
to androgens. I mean, the prepubescent

body has testosterone and estrogen, but
at puberty, the body's glands create a

feedback cycle that increases the
gonadotropins by about 2 ,000. What are

trying to say? Talk like a person.

Please?

The virus is only dangerous if you
haven't gone through puberty.

What's going on? How'd they do that?
Okay, everyone stay calm.

Calvin. Oh, shit.

Calvin. Calvin. Over here, guys.

Calvin.

Wake up. Wake up. Calvin.

What's happening?

He died. He needs to eat something. We
need to get him a candy bar or a soda.

Wait, do you have any snack bars or
something?

I've got creatine powder.

He needs something with sugar.

His body is a no -carb zone.

They can't be. I've checked all these
doors. They're locked.

Oh, my God. We have a police dog.

I thought you said they couldn't do
stuff like that.

They're going to get in here. We're all
going to die.

This can't be the end. I'm not even
published yet.

The lights are out.

That won't work.

We're all going to die, aren't we?

No, no, we're not.

There's the snack machine in the
teacher's lounge, right?

Yeah. Wait, how many people can fit in
your truck?

Told you it's a dual rhythm wheel. Dual
rhythm wheel. It's a dual rhythm wheel.

Probably eight max.

Where are the keys?

I put my jacket. Which is where? Back in
the teacher's lounge, which is

impossible to get to.

Where does that lead?

Conditioning of air.

So this duck takes us to the teacher's
lounge.

Got it. We take the duct to the lounge.

We get Calvin something from the vending
machine, and we grab Wade's key.

We get back here, fix Calvin up, and
take the duct as close to the parking

as possible. When you're at the office,
we should grab our cell phones, too.

Right. Yeah, but who's going up into
that thing? Who's teensy -weensy enough

fit up?

Me?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I
definitely don't do brave stuff.

Like, I've never even been camping.

I have a blog. I get excited about Apple
products.

That's what I'm comfortable with.

By letting you guard this, I'm trusting
you with my entire life.

Circle, circle, dot, dot.

Now you have a cootie shot.

It'll protect you.

Thanks, Debra.

Fuck yourself. Yeah, and your cock is
girthy, too.

Fuck off, Will. You fuck off. Both of
you cut it out. You know who you sound

like? You sound like your students.

I don't have students.

I'm not a teacher. I'm a writer.

Yeah, a self -published writer. Guess
what? I'm self -published, too. Doug,

want to buy my book?

There are no words on that.

You know what?

I'm going to... Lucy, what are you
doing?

I'm just going to die anyway, just like
the rest of you assholes. So maybe I'm

going to try and do something brave,
some final, pointless gesture of

in this cruel, shitty world that likes
taking gestures of kindness and shitting

and pissing.

with you whether you like it or not.
Shut up.

Okay.

This makes me so nervous.

He paces like this late at night when
he's on the phone, too.

Ridiculous.

How do you know that?

You better not let anything happen to
her, asshole.

Really? That's funny. She's not saying
you're letting really bad things happen

to her.

I will squeeze up in there and slap your
dick off.

Thanks for coming to help me.

Do you have a dollar?

Yeah.

That's where the key is.

I'm going to go check and see if there's
a phone. No, no, no. Wait for me. No.

We don't have time. You get the candy
bar. I'm going to get a phone.

Okay, baby.

I'm just half -eaten corpse, you see.
It's still horrifying, but somehow

slightly less horrifying.

Shit.

Guys, look out!

They're in the vents, they're heading
your way!

I'll get the locks.

More stuff, come on!

Tracy, we get it. You've got to calm
down.

Right now.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm calm.

I'm fine.

I'm calm. Okay.

Probably isn't the greatest timing, but
I have a kick I should make.

When I saw you this morning, I was only
pretending to be surprised.

I knew you taught her.

Really?

I've been pretty depressed lately, and I
wanted to see you.

Stupid. We haven't had a conversation in
like 15 years.

I missed you somehow.

Sorry, it's so creepy. No, it's not
creepy.

I'm just surprised. I heard you were in
New York following your dream of being a

writer.

I have another confession to make.

Remember when I said I wasn't a teacher?

the lie too.

That's what I was doing in New York.

Really?

Yeah.

I've been teaching first grade for two
years.

I mean, I thought I would have free time
to write on my free time, but as

it turns out, there is no free time.

Teaching is the hardest job in the
world.

And I would...

Look out at the kids in my class, and I
found myself getting jealous of them.

They have the whole world ahead of them,
their whole lives ahead of them. They

have all these opportunities that have
already passed me by.

What?

Nothing. I was telling you you were
wrong, but you sort of had a point.

Oh.

Super comforting.

Thanks.

I probably shouldn't have done that. I
know, I know. I

can't just barge into your life like
that.

Even if I do kind of hate your
boyfriend.

Just need a bottle of wine.

Right? One of those backpacks must have
some beer in it.

Definitely Ritalin. Probably Adderall,
too.

Wait.

I feel so much I haven't done.

Like... Like I've always wanted a fire
and Uzi.

I wanted a bunny.

I always wanted a bunny growing up and
never got one.

You know what I want?

I want to know why my brother -in -law
makes ten times what I do.

You know what he does for a living?

He makes giant bone fingers for football
games.

Like you tell people you're a teacher
and they look at you like, oh, you must

have wanted to do something else and
couldn't get anything going. It's like,

fuck you, man.

I'm raising your kid.

I love my job.

Teachers deserve respect.

I'm sorry that it took me until today to
realize this, but...

I really actually like you guys.

I always wanted to have sex with a
prostitute who was non -white.

Is anybody there?

Wait.

Yeah. Hey, listen, Lucy, about today...
Wade, we can talk about this another

time. Let's not talk about this right
now. No, I want to talk about it. Lucy,

love you, and I'm so sorry that I was an
asshole today.

Clint, I'll let him in, isn't he?

No, it's just me.

Probably not what you pictured growing
up, that you'd be dating some P .E.

teacher.

And I guess I just got jealous that some
fancy -pants New York writer was gonna

swoop in.

Now, I know you've always wanted to live
there, and I just don't know that

that's something that I... Wait, it's
Clint.

Goddammit, asshole, put Lucy back on!
I'm not a fancy writer from New York.

a bad writer from Fort Chicken. I live
with my mom. I sleep in a bed I used to

pee in.

You're a handsome guy who Lucy likes,
and if you guys are meant to be

I'm all for it.

Sorry I got in the way.

You really think I'm a handsome guy?

Listen, thanks, Clint.

Just... Can you put Lucy back on,
please?

Wait, I love you, but I...

I have an idea. Listen up.

Oh, dear Lord.

Is that clear?

If by clear, you mean filled with
terrifying imagery, then you take me

therapy, that would be... Hey!

Hey, sweetie!

I forgot that word.

Look, drugs. Are you hungry for some
drugs? You want some Ritalin? Some

Adderall?

You remember how in that movie Commando
and every other 80s action

film there was that suiting up montage?

Well, this is that scene.

Yeah. Now they've got us outnumbered,
outgunned, and outnumbered. But

there's one thing we have that they
don't. The drive to win!

They seem very driven to me. We need to
turn this room inside out. Look under

every shelf, inside every box.

We've got to have anything you or
someone else can use.

We've got to collect everything. We've
got to have baths, pools, ropes, pointy

things, anything that has spikes on it,
anything that's aerated. We're not

playing defense anymore.

Our third, fourth graders.

You can pretend about being limp on.

We're going to war. I used to be the
champion.

I'm a little fatter now.

I'm a little bald or two.

But I still got my spirit.

They are not kicking that away from me.

Ever!

I've played dodgeball a million times
with these little kids.

Go for the fade.

It's the weak spot.

Huh. I guess they're going to can overdo
it.

Looks like the Adderall did the job.

They should be knocked out for a while.

Remember, when we say go, we rendezvous
in the main hall.

And straight to the back door, that's
all that's a red truck.

Are you guys ready?

We are good to go. We can do this.

You know what?

We've got 18 regional championship
trophies.

Three MVPs and one state championship
ring.

Wait, those are all your awards.

Exactly. And I'm a part of this team
that makes us all champions.

Are we ready? Ready. Ready. Ready. I'm
gay.

Oh, I fucking knew it.

Hitachi, you ready?

Yes. Hitachi ready to die.

My father told me a story once. A story
of frog and caterpillar.

Story goes, it was winter and frog is
sitting on snow -covered branch. The

looked and saw the caterpillar and asked
him. This story is taking way too long.

Let's play some dodgeball!

Almost there.

That ought to do it.

Guy, up ahead, Danville.

Have we did not port chicken?

They got out?

Well, I feel worse. Bobby said people
weren't from fucking Danville.

No, you come here.

They're everywhere.

Well, that's Indiana.

That's Ohio.

Epidemic.

Actually, the correct term is pandemic.

A pandemic covers a much wider
geographical... The poor chicken

Is there anything from that factory
served in the school cafeteria?

Chicken nuggets.

What? A foodborne virus. If I could get
a handful of homing endonucleases, each

one targeting a different specific
section of the genome... You're doing it

again. You're doing it again. Rebecca,
quietly.

Okay, see, that time I was actually
talking.

We could isolate the virus and kill it
while preserving the captive protein.

Don't please dumb it down a little. If I
could find one of the infected nuggets,

maybe I could make a vaccine for the
virus.

Everyone okay?

Okay, well, here we meet again.

Oh, I fucking hate Danville so much.
Everyone stick together.

I can't be anything.

Someone find a light.

It's me.

These things are great.

Oh, my God, those are the nuggets.

You'll come in handy, little one.

Now get out of here.

Now get out.

Now get out of here.

Where are we?

I hate to say it guys...

Oh shit.

Somebody order a badass?

Now, Hitachi.

Now the time for the frog to fuck the
caterpillar?

Whatever, Hitachi.

They're coming!

Let's go!

Get in the van! Let's go! Move, move,
move!

I thought you were dead.

It was just halftime, baby.

Go!

Kim, go, go, go!

Oh, my God!

Is this one of those really intense drug
interventions?

Some place kids don't want to go.

Wait, how did you find us?

I always know where to find my dual
real, my dual real, my dual real, my

real.

And the frog fucked the caterpillar.