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-Group!

-Police report.

Have you seen it?

I thought we had an understanding.

Remember what we talked about?

About trust?

-It's lies.

-Then help me.

Finally, Kip.

What's the truth?

There was a girl, I know that.

What was her name?

-Celine.

-Tell me about Celine.

Kip,

in order to heal, we have to face our fears.

-Before I met Celine,

I had

a happy, peaceful life.

It wasn't a conventional life,

but I was warm and safe

and living in the greatest city on earth,

Manhattan.

My cocoon was a large six-room apartment on Riverside Drive.

A classic six, they call it.

It was rent-controlled since the '50s, which meant

that I paid absolutely nothing and the landlords hated me.

It was old, but

it was clean.

My life had the calculated efficiency of a Bach Cantata.

Work I could do from home.

I paid a kid downstairs $50 a week to haul my trash away.

Every day, he brought me the mail.

Granted, it was neurotic.

By most counts,

five showers a day is too many, and yes, sometimes I washed

my hands so much they would bleed.

I lived in a germ-free, stress-free world,

and it seemed like it would last forever.

It lasted 311 days, 6 hours, and 12 minutes.

-Just put it in the kitchen.

-I watched her rifling through her luggage,

those legs,

that body.

For the first time in a long time,

I had an overwhelming need to make a connection,

and I knew right then that I had to talk to her.

-Hello?

-Eventually.

-Oh.

-Hello? -Hi. You're home.

Oh, we met actually in the hallway.

Sort of.

I'm sort of on a self-improvement jag, I'm trying to be more neighborly

and introduce myself to my floor mates and--

oh, so, I'm Celine.

You're--

-Sorry,

Kip.

-Hey, Kip.

Do you ever feel--

I don't know, we're all living

in these discreet little bubbles

and doing our own things,

and really inside we just want to make a deeper connection to people.

Do you know I lived in my last building a whole year,

I never knew the names of any of my door--

-I'm sorry, I have to--

it was good to meet you.

-Yes.

-Yes, yes.

Shut up.

-Do you swing?

I said,

do you swing?

-Hi.

I'm sorry, did I wake you?

-No.

-Listen, my ex-boyfriend, the one you met in the hallway earlier,

is an idiot.

He took my purse,

and it has my cell phone,

and my keys,

and now I got to call a locksmith.

Can I come in?

-Just one second.

Tidy up.

Okay.

Come on in. -Thank you.

Oh, big apartment.

-Would you like to sit?

Yes, actually.

Thank you.

-No. This is much more comfortable.

The couch has lumps.

That is so much better.

Hold on, I'll grab the phone.

-Do you have a phone book?

-Oh, no. I have the internet.

-Did you get a number?

Oh, thanks.

It's a pager, what's the number here?

-212-646-0787.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

Did you want to sit?

-No, I'll--

Hello.

Yes, we're locked out.

Oh, 278 Riverside, 3R.

Okay. Thanks.

-Is he coming?

-Yes. He'll be here in an hour.

-Thank you.

You're a gentleman.

Gentle gentleman.

My card, 24 hours

-Thank you.

-All right. Good night.

-New lock?

-Hey.

-Hold on to your keys this time.

-Oh, yes.

You know I got them back?

Now I have the locks changed.

-Good.

Well, I just wanted to make sure you were all right.

-Thank you.

You're a gentleman.

Hey,

I don't have

premium channels and pay-per-view, where they make pay.

I don't know. Are you doing anything tonight?

You are.

Never mind. It's stupid.

-No.

What were you--

-Oh, there's an Indian place across the street I've been meaning

to try.

-Oh.

I was planning to cook tonight.

Why don't we eat here?

You a vegetarian or anything?

-It sounds lovely.

-Great. You want to say like 7:20?

Not 7:23?

-Yes, that's fine.

Hi.

Well, right on time.

Basically.

-Wow, look at you.

I brought wine.

-Well, I'll take that.

-I'd like to propose a toast

to my neighbor in shining armor.

Thank you for sheltering me last night.

-Oh, let me serve you.

-Wow.

-I think I might have used too much dill.

-A personal question.

-I'm a little obsessive-compulsive.

-You're aware of it?

-I am aware.

Some might say obsessively aware.

Then the compulsive part is that I tend to wash.

Some might say overwash.

I'm very normal in every other respect.

-Sane people are boring.

You must be a poet.

-I write technical manuals for an Indian software company.

You?

-Temp work,

mostly.

Lot of doctors' offices.

I was in school for a while,

physical therapy, but life happens.

You make your own pickles?

-Yes.

Cucumbers, tomatoes,

mangoes.

That was the chutney we had tonight.

-You know they sell pickles.

-It's just a hobby.

-Well, you are not your typical bachelor.

-This was my grandmother's, I inherited her lease.

-This is rent control?

Should go for what, $8,000, $10,000 a month?

You pay--

-Not that.

-Ever feel bad for the landlord?

-Those words were all English, but I can't--

Uh-huh.

You were weirded out when I sat on your couch the other day.

Was that a germ thing?

-Yes. Sorry.

It's not personal. It's just your clothes.

You might have been on the subway.

-I'm very clean.

-No,

I'm sure.

-I'm sitting.

The world is a dirty place.

You can't avoid it forever.

You go out, right?

-Yes, of course, I go out.

-How often do you go out?

-I go out very often.

Over the course of my life, I've been out many times.

-When was the last time?

-I'm a little uncomfortable with this.

-Kip.

-10 months.

-You haven't been out of this,

for 10 months.

-Yes, but that's give or take.

-How do you even do that?

How do you get food?

-Deliveries.

-Wait, you work.

-Yes, from home. Computers.

-Laundry?

-Bathtub.

-Come on. -No,

really.

-You haven't been to the dentist in 10 months.

-I take very good care of my teeth.

-You haven't been with a woman in 10 months.

You do like women,

don't you?

You like me?

You're afraid of my germs.

God, what would happen

if I touched you?

You like it?

You don't like it?

What about a kiss?

Scary? -Don't make fun.

-What?

-Don't mock me.

I've been with women.

-Oh, yes?

-Yes.

-Show me.

-Not the bed. -What?

-Not the bed.

-Touch me.

Touch me.

I'm dirty?

-It's not personal.

-You trust me?

-Okay.

Dirty hands,

clean faucets.

Now, dirty faucet.

Okay.

Now, turn off the water.

Good.

Now, the shower.

Now, when you touch your clothes to undress,

your hands will be dirty again.

Get in the shower and don't adjust the water until you've washed them.

Don't touch your clothes after you get out.

When you wash, body, hands, body, hands.

Don't spread the germ around.

-Trust me, Kip.

You can leave the door open. -Oh, okay.

-I'm cold, cold, cold.

Oh,

do you think we can get to know each other a little bit better before?

Do you mind?

We could just hold each other.

Enjoy the warmth.

Here.

You see that's nice, right?

Am I sleeping on plastic?

Is that always there or is that just for me?

What?

-Time for sleep.

-Oh, shit.

It's the middle of the night.

-I just thought I'd see what my baby was up to.

-You drunk?

-Duh.

I just wanted to make sure my baby was being a good baby.

-Of course, I'm being good.

-Then why aren't you home?

-What makes you say I'm not home?

Where are you?

-Where do you fucking think?

-What's that? What's going on?

-It's Andy, my ex. -Celine, I know you're in there.

-Andy, please.

-Sir, I think you should go home.

Sleep it off.

-Hey, Mr. Clean.

He talks.

You like fucking my girlfriend, Mr. Clean?

-Andy, nothing happened.

-Which is none of your business.

-Come on, sweetie.

I just want to talk to you.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

You know, you do this to me.

It's just because I love you so much.

-Okay, friend.

-Listen, I'm going to go out there.

-What? That's insane.

-He gets reckless when he gets drunk, and he's going to hurt himself.

-Yes, cry me a river.

The man's crazy.

You're not going out there.

-Celine.

Celine. -Listen.

Listen.

Hey.

Don't let him in.

-Andy, go home.

I'm not coming out.

-You're a filthy whore anyway.

Fuck you,

and fuck your fucking filth.

-Oh, he's leaving.

-I liked this better when the door was open.

-Yes.

You move too quickly. I get tired.

-Wow.

-I got to ask.

-Fumigating. -Oh, roaches.

-Well, ladybugs.

Butterflies.

Hey, you want to do something fun?

Dance with me?

-I never took you for a hoofer.

-It wasn't always a shut-in here.

Do you

Charleston?

-You didn't learn the moves by yourself.

Who have you been dancing with,?

Come on, who?

-Sorry, I'm not used to a company.

You like board games?

-Kip.

What is that?

Do you hear that?

What is that, construction?

Oh, look.

They're building a new hotel on Illinois Avenue.

First-rate accommodations.

It's right next to the B&O Railroad.

-Yes, it's all mortgaged.

It's all over. You beat me.

-Does that mean that you won't be checking in?

-Well, I'd like to.

Do you offer any amenities?

-Oh, room service, massage, something sweet on your pillow?

-How'd you ever end up with a guy like that?

That Andy?

I'm sorry, but how?

-Once a long time ago, when I needed someone,

anyone,

Andy was there.

He's been there ever since.

Before you go,

giving yourself a clinical diagnosis,

I am the poster girl for dysfunction.

-Oh.

You want to play the game of who's more dysfunctional?

-I do.

-Okay.

For six months,

I was living here alone with my grandmother,

but I was never sure how clean anything was,

so I never used my hands.

For half a year,

I did everything with my feet.

Yes.

I swear.

-Because you were afraid of germs, you put your dirty feet on everything?

-You have to admit,

that's dysfunctional.

-I can top it.

Once I dragged Andy to a couples therapist,

he asked me to wear long sleeves to the first session

because he didn't want the therapist to see the bruises and get the wrong idea.

About three weeks in, I discover that Andy is sleeping

with the therapist, but I don't stop going

because I don't want him to accuse me

of not trying to make the relationship work.

-Oh, that's dysfunctional,

but I can beat that.

-Stop.

-I'll show you.

You have to understand,

I was in a weird place when I was doing this.

I hadn't stopped going out yet, so I was looking for things to help me.

I figured

the physically disabled get wheelchairs.

-You wanted to be cool like an amputee?

-Don't make fun.

-I'm not making fun.

This goes beyond dysfunctional.

How fine a touch do you have with those?

-I could pick up a pickle jar.

-Can you undress me?

-Yes.

It wasn't made for this.

It was for--

-Don't you get lonely?

-Someone once said,

we have the word loneliness to describe the pain of being alone,

and the word solitude

to describe the joy.

People yabber into their cell phones all day,

instant messages,

and forget the pleasure of solitude.

Are you lonely?

There are a million ways

to be lonely.

You don't have to be alone.

-I know why you don't go out.

-You figured it out?

-Yes, I figured it out.

See, everyone has two faces.

Their real face,

and then the face they show in public.

You,

you've got no public face.

You're like a burn victim.

No skin,

swabs and bandages

to keep the infection out.

-Wow.

That's a pretty metaphor, thank you for that.

-I'm serious.

-Yes, I know.

I don't like that.

Why does everybody have to have two faces?

-I don't know.

They just do.

-I don't.

You don't.

-If a germ enters your body,

your blood produces

millions of antibodies that know the exact nature

of the foreign invader and exactly how to drive it out.

We are all perfectly engineered to keep foreign bodies out,

but I want you

inside of me

all the time.

-I've never met anyone like you.

-I had a wicked idea.

-I'm not agoraphobic, you know.

-I know.

-I'm not afraid to go out.

Just a lot to plan for.

Where to drop our clothes when we get back?

Do we shower together when we get back?

Does someone have to wait?

Where would they wait?

-Darling,

take all the time you need to figure this out.

-Okay,

I'm trying.

It's hard with you standing there pressuring me.

-Oh,

I'm sorry.

You know what? I won't even look at you.

-That's worse.

I feel like I'm a freak or something and you're averting your eyes.

-Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm looking at you.

-Fine, but don't look at me like that.

-Like what?

-With a tolerant, I'll just humor him, expression.

-Kip,

I am not humoring you.

Trust me, there is nothing humorous about this.

-Excellent time to make fun of me.

-I'm not making fun of you.

Kip, if you're not ready for this,

it's fine.

-Well,

I was ready for it, but now you're turning it

into this whole thing and it's just like, what's the point?

-I just thought a change would be nice.

-Yes, change.

What's up with that?

You come in here,

put paintings up,

flowers everywhere.

-You don't like the flowers?

-Flowers are for funerals.

What's this?

People build walls to keep trees out.

-No, Kip.

People build walls to keep people out.

Oh, God.

I just thought it was a nice day outside.

Oh, I'm figure insults.

Ultimatum, yes.

Now, how about a picnic?

-Yes.

Goodbye.

-Yes?

Fine.

Don't forget your tree.

Ah.

Spider web.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

-Kip, stop washing your hands.

-Now there's a fucking spider in here.

-You're bleeding.

Oh, my god.

Kip, you need help.

We're going to go to a doctor, okay?

Together.

We're going to get you pills and therapy.

-You think I haven't had therapy?

You think you're the first woman to tell me I need therapy?

Well, guess what?

Those pills they give you,

see, they take away all your libido.

She says, "Well, that's okay, honey.

I just want you to be healthy."

What she really means is, "I don't give a shit about your libido

because I got it covered."

Now,

go get better so I can leave you without feeling guilty.

Thank you very much.

-Don't do that.

Don't pull some bullshit sob story on me.

The world is all heartbreak.

It's called life.

Remember?

Life?

-I have a life.

This apartment

is my life.

-No.

This apartment is your cell.

Every surface is scrubbed until nothing can live here anymore.

If something touches this floor, you kill it.

Look where I'm standing right now.

Do you want to kill me?

-No.

I love you.

-Fuck you.

You want love?

Call a whore.

You want me?

Call a doctor.

I say

I'm going to kill you.

I am going to kill you. I am going to kill you.

-Oh God.

-Andy, goddamn it.

-Hi. There's a woman being beaten in my building.

She needs help right now.

It's 278 Riverside Drive. Apartment 3R.

My name?

I--

-I think this is it.

Police officers.

-Good evening, officers.

Is everything all right?

Actually, no, sir.

We received a 911 emergency call regarding this apartment.

Mind if we ask you to move around?

Absolutely not.

Don't stand out in the hall.

We've heard you're all constrained to hearing even a woman speak

-Yes.

-We have to come out.

-Good luck with that, Andy.

-Hey, Dolores, Tony, Thanks.

I just hope they stop harassing you guys.

Freaking kids today. -Yes, kids today.

-Kids today. -All right.

-Hey, and you guys stop by anytime.

-Oh, thanks, Andy. -Thank you, brother.

-All right. Take it easy.

-Take it easy.

-You and Cindy go on out to the--

Oh, Cindy's

-Celine.

-I thought you'd help me escape.

-Are you all right?

Celine?

What are the cockroaches for?

-I don't care.

They're for you.

-For me?

The real estate market is quite hot.

One asshole,

he's got rent control.

He's going to fuck up the whole deal.

What do you want me to do, Andy?

Just get in there and get him out.

Couple of hours

and I'll take it from there.

The thing is, I never would have done it.

It meant

I thought

I can get away from him

for a little while in an apartment on my own.

-Wait.

Andy's the landlord?

-He's one of them.

Do you think they'd just let you stay there paying $500

on a $10,000 apartment?

They want to get you out.

That's what they do.

They can't turn off your heat.

They can't turn off your electricity.

There are laws, and they're onto that.

How do you get a guy out

who never leaves,

won't open his door,

won't turn over his key.

What do they do?

-What do they do?

-Meet the girl next door.

You have to believe that I would never have done

anything like that.

I couldn't, not once I met you.

I mean, not his way.

Listen, please.

Please don't leave.

-What do you want me to say?

-'You know what? Scream at me or hit me, just don't leave me.

-That's not me.

That's him.

-He's going to kill me.

He's actually going to kill me.

What happened between us,

that was not supposed to happen.

He is crazy,

and he's jealous.

He is--

Come here.

Okay? Please.

Just stay with me.

Okay? Just stay with me.

Please.

Oh, I need you.

Will you help me?

I got some drugs from the clinic, where I work?

You're going to be so quiet.

Just simple.

-What?

-Look like an overdose.

We just fill the tub with water.

We put him in.

Walk away.

An overdose,

an accident.

-Are you joking?

-You said you'd help me.

-You get a restraining order.

-Oh, restrain Andy?

Kip,

you don't know him.

It's him

or me.

-I don't build walls to keep people out.

I build walls to keep this out.

The lies,

the anger,

this is your world, Celine.

Not mine.

-Oh, Kip.

No, no, no, no.

Andy, don't.

-I hear you don't like dirt.

How do you like this?

-Andy, stop. -What?

No, it's therapy.

-If we want to heal,

we have to face our fears.

-Oh, am I glad you're here.

This is pretty heavy.

I am going to let go

in three,

two, one.

-No.

-Zero.

Oh.

You're going to want to be careful there.

The garbage pail,

it was crawling with maggots.

Then there's a little something extra in there.

Yes, something special from me.

-Ugh.

-Oh.

I almost forgot.

Celine.

Thanks for the key.

Come here.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Is that the bedroom in there?

You wouldn't mind if we--

No. You wouldn't mind.

All of a sudden, I am feeling kind of--

Oh, boy.

Come on.

Come on.

-Hey.

Hey.

You can't leave me here like this.

-Whoa.

God, I just hate these fucking things.

-God.

Andy.

Please.

I'll never touch her again.

-Okay. I'm not mad at you for fucking, Celine.

She's an attractive girl,

and you're a healthy man.

No, no, no, no, no.

You fucking Celine

is between me and Celine.

-Why are you doing this?

-You're costing me money.

My grandfather gave me this building,

and your grandmother gave you this apartment.

I fuck Celine,

and you fuck Celine.

It's like we're living

parallel lives.

Whoa.

You've got any booze in this place?

Do you? -The living room.

-Celine.

Celine.

Make us a couple of drinks.

Come on.

Look, Celine's a smart girl.

See how she keeps her head down?

She doesn't want to offend.

Get this.

She thinks I'm unpredictable,

so she adapts.

Women.

They adapt.

Now, men, we're different.

We design our worlds up here and then go out in the real world

to build it to match.

Which,

ironically,

is why I admire you.

Look, you built this place just the way you like it.

I do the same out there.

Yes.

There is one difference, though.

I couldn't live without people.

Well,

people give me too much pleasure.

Help him out there, would you?

-Ugh.

-Oh, oh, oh.

-I'm going to kill you, Andy.

-Hey, hey.

Rest those arms.

Celine,

where are those drinks?

God.

-I didn't want this, Kip.

A case like you should have been easy.

Ms. Celine said you weren't leaving, no way.

She tried

everything.

It puts strain on our relationship.

What can we do?

I told her get some pills from work.

We dope him up,

put him in the tub, walk away.

Headcase.

Shut it. Happens all the time.

It gives me no joy, Kip.

Celine, darling,

could you crack me another bottle of wine?

I want it neated.

I don't much like germs either.

Celine used to be a clean girl,

but not so clean anymore, huh?

I want you to die knowing

that right after you're gone,

she's next.

-Celine.

Celine.

Celine.

-Hi. This is Celine.

Sorry, I missed your call.

Leave a message, and I'll call you back.

-Celine.

Celine.

Celine?

Celine. No. It is occupied.

I know there was a previous report.

I filed the report.

Her name is Celine something.

She just moved in.

What the--

Just check it out, please.

He said he was going to kill her.

-Hi. This is Celine.

Sorry, I missed your call.

Leave a message and I'll call you back.

-Hey, Celine.

I was just calling about the you know,

about the you know.

Actually,

just calling to say hey,

you know, just hey.

Yes,

give me a call.

Okay?

-Police officers.

-Just a second.

Officers?

Sorry, I was in the shower.

What's going on?

-Sir, did you call on a report of an abuse in the apartment next door?

-Oh.

I did, I did, but now, I'm thinking maybe it was a TV or something.

-Did you place a similar call two days ago?

-Two days?

Oh, yes.

That was me.

There's been a lot of noise on the floor, I tell you.

Probably kids.

You know freaking kids these days.

-Yes, sir.

Do you mind if we come in, sir?

-Huh?

No.

That'd be fine.

-Is this your apartment, sir?

-Yes.

I mean,

I rent.

-Is this rent controlled?

-Yes, it is.

-Could you give me your name, sir?

-Kip Polyard.

-Is that your last name?

-Huh?

Which one?

-Could you repeat your name?

-Oh, sorry.

First name Kip, last name P--

-Pah.

-Polyard.

P-O-L-Y-A-R-D.

-What's in these jars?

You do your own pickling?

-Oh. Yes.

Cucumbers, tomatoes, and mangoes.

-My mom used to do this.

It's tricky, right?

You got to keep it sealed up for months.

Got to be real careful it doesn't get any bacteria or anything, right?

Won't ruin it if I open it, will it?

-Well, no, but--

-Oops.

My bad.

-Mr. Polyard, abuse of the 911 emergency system

is a serious offense.

Do you understand, sir?

-I understand.

-Good.

Then we'll be out of your way.

-I'm sorry, officers, for any inconvenience.

-Do you mind if I just use your bathroom?

-My bathroom? -Yes.

You have one?

-Yes, of course.

Right this way.

-I'll meet you downstairs.

-It's right that way, straight ahead.

-I can take it from here.

-What the hell is this?

-I was just --

I was changing my pants.

-Is this kicks for you, Polyard?

-No. I swear.

-Then what is it?

-The uniforms turn me on.

-This time, you're filling out the paperwork.

-I got it covered.

Polyard.

-Ow.

-Have a nice day, sir.

-Ow. Ow.

Oh, my God.

Kip, what did you do?

-What did I do?

I'm trying to clean up after you.

-Clean up after me?

Kip, it was supposed to look like an overdose.

Does that look like an overdose?

-Well, where the hell were you?

-At work.

I was trying to act casual.

Casual.

This is casual.

That is insane.

-You have a better idea for getting the body out?

-Tough one.

-Well, I don't have one of those.

What am I, hitchhiking through Europe?

Don't try to put this on me.

What did you expect?

-Oh. Well, that, Kip.

I expected that.

What did I expect?

I don't know.

I didn't expect you to find the body.

When are you ever in that room?

-The tape around the plastic was a mess.

It was all wrinkly.

-Wrinkly?

Why couldn't you have just trusted me?

-Trust you?

Why?

Because you had this master plan?

Andy was right there.

Slip him the drugs,

but, no.

That would have been too risky?

He would have been on to us?

What? Better to play along, drug me, let me nearly drown.

Then what?

Maybe if the opportunity presents itself,

wrap his head in a plastic bag and leave him on the carpet overnight.

Oh, great plan, Celine.

Bravo.

Your perfectly constructed little mousetrap,

one hitch.

He wasn't dead.

I got to tell you,

I did not enjoy that.

-You killed him?

Why did you do that?

-He said he'd kill you.

-Oh.

Oh.

That was very noble.

Let me take it from here.

There's just this one loose end I want to tie up,

okay?

There's

one thing that I want to do.

Just remember,

whatever happens, I will always, always love you.

-Injustice.

Injustice.

Free our people.

Injustice.

Injustice.

Injustice.

Free our people.

Stop the injustice.

Free our people.

Stop the injustice.

Injustice.

Injustice.

Free our people.

Stop the injustice.

Injustice.

Help our people.

Help our people.

Injustice.

Injustice.

Help our people. Injustice.

-Celine.

Celine.

Celine.

-The next thing I remember,

I was here.

-That's a great story, Kip.

I've read the police reports, so--

Let's talk frankly, shall we?

We both know that no body was found in your apartment.

The apartment next door was empty.

You were found wandering the streets in a delusional state,

your blood filled with multiple prescription drugs.

A bad reaction to self-medication.

Okay, your landlord is, in fact, missing.

According to the police reports, chased by lawsuits and bad debt.

You're the only one who mentioned murder,

Kip.

Now, maybe you heard something through those thin walls

and incorporated it into your hallucination,

maybe.

Kip,

you're here to be treated for obsessive-compulsive disorder,

agoraphobia, and non-clinical social phobia.

Anything you experienced beyond that,

the sex, the violence, was a side effect of your medications.

I need to know that you understand that.

-Of course I do, Doctor.

It seemed very real at the time, but my head is clear now.

I just want to get better,

go home,

start my life.

-Kip,

I'm very glad to hear you say that.

-I've been called a fantasy before,

never a hallucination.

It's not really me.

-Tell me about it.

I keep upping my dosage and you're still here.

-That's not funny.

-I wanted to tell you.

I'm back in school.

I got you to thank for that.

-Physical therapy?

-Pharmacology.

-Right.

-Want a blanket or anything?

-No, I'm good.

-So?

How's the therapy?

Things are better.

-I still think about germs, but don't obsess.

-I have a delusion of my own.

Maybe as you get better,

you'll be able to forgive me.

You know I did this for you, right?

You had to be here.

-What's that?

-Oh,

I'm staying in your apartment.

The lure of cheap rent.

In order to maintain the rent control, I have to get this official sub-lease.

Any interest in being a landlord?

-I know your last landlord.

-Disappeared.

I don't think anyone's looking for him.

He was an asshole.

-This is for a year.

I'm supposed to be out of here in six months.

-Oh.

God, yes.

That could be awkward.

Any interest in having me as a roommate?

-My current roommate's a pyromaniac, so it shouldn't be too much

of an adjustment.

-What did I ever do to you?

-Yes, right.

You got a pen?

-I meant to ask you, what did you do with Andy anyway?

-Oh, I took care of it.

Oh, but you're out of pickle jars.

-I know you're kidding.

-Of course I'm kidding.

Those parts were way too big for a pickle jar.

Most of them.

-Don't joke. I'm serious.

I'm not signing this unless you swear to me that you're joking.

-I'm joking.

God, have a sense of humor.

My oppressor, my oppressor, she's mean and beautiful

Long brown hair and she doesn't care

Undress her, undress her

She's where I want to be in a short black dress saying

no to sex

She's a snake bite

Suddenly a coin

She's a sharp knife

I love it when she shouts because I, it cuts me down to size

My oppressor, my oppressor

Dresses only in black and blue

Keeps to herself

Speaks only what's spoken to

My suppressor, my suppressor

This will be our love song

For guilty Elton John crap you deserve

Because she's a street fight

Suddenly she's boiling mad

She's a dark knight

I love to tell her that we need more complex therapy