Original subtitles

Oh,

this is going to be such a traditional Christmas being up here.

Ice skating on the lake, sleigh riding in the snow, jingle bells, oh, jingle

bells.

I hate to burst your bubble, kitten, but there's no snow.

No snow?

No snow.

Oh, poo.

Well, at least we're not in L .A. Thank God we're not in L .A.

I can just hear them now.

Your Uncle Milton at the office and his wife with her New York accent.

Milton, can you just hear them back in Bay Ridge?

Sadie floating in her pool, Beverly Hills and all.

God, I can't stand that woman. She makes me want to gag.

I feel it coming.

I know I'm never going to hear the end of my Aunt Sadie.

It's one of the hazards of working for my family.

I can hear them behind my back.

Oh, Ted's shit's a girlfriend.

Shit's a this and shit's a that.

Schicksal. It's schicksal.

That's Yiddish for Gentile.

And you, my dear, are every bit the schicksal.

Maybe. But this little schicksal girlfriend of yours is going to have a

time. Snow or no snow. No.

Maybe we should invite some friends out for the holidays.

That's a great idea.

Why don't we invite Philip?

Philip, your hairdresser?

Philip is a stylist.

That's true, and I know his style.

Oh, come on. He has a new girlfriend now.

Oh, he has a new girlfriend. So he's one of those hairdressers. And she's a very

pretty black woman.

Black?

Trendy. Very trendy.

I know.

I'll invite Jack and Elaine.

Oh, great.

Jack the slack and lame Elaine.

Come on, Donna. Is there anyone that I know that you like?

Oh, come on, Ted.

Your friend Jack's idea of having a good time is playing Trivial Pursuit until

the early morning hours.

He does get a perverse glee out of beating the pants off you with that one.

And Elaine, come on. Can she find any more Kmart's to shop at? The woman is

strictly... Bargain basement.

Well, you know, Donna, not everyone can afford to shop at Needless Markup.

Well, anyway, I'm still going to have a great holiday being with the man I love.

The traditional Christmas in the country.

So there's this new man in payables. He's doing collections.

He's an Indian. Now, not an American Indian, like a foreign Indian.

You know, like the guy the Beatles went to see that time?

Yeah, like Bangladesh.

That was George's album.

Right, honey. So anyway, he's doing collections.

And he's on the phone with this guy.

I'm assuming he's talking to someone that's fallen behind, right?

And I'm trying to listen to what he's saying, but as I walk past his desk,

speaking so quietly I can't hear.

So this is what I figure he's saying.

Hello, Mr. Jones.

Yes, you know who this is. And I must say that if you do not pay your bill, it

will be very, very terrible for me.

Oh, please, Mr. Jones, you must pay or I will go so hungry and I will die and it

will be all your fault.

Oh, Ted, do you have to tell these ethnic jokes?

I don't think people think they're too funny.

Well, I think they're funny.

Hey, does anybody know any good Polack or Nick?

Well, don't look at me, honey.

No one ever told me no Nick a joke.

Right on, Tony.

Well,

I think it's about time for a game of Trivial Pursuit.

Honey, will you go get the game, please?

Did you hear that?

I think I heard something.

What? I didn't hear anything.

Well, I...

I think this is the place.

Well, come along, Sid.

Watch out.

Be quiet.

Now, up the chimney and down. Isn't that how it goes?

Did you hear that?

I think I heard something.

What? I didn't hear anything.

Oh, come on. Didn't you guys hear that? It came from the other room.

I didn't hear anything.

It could be burglars.

Oh, come on. Country burglars on Christmas Eve?

Come on, Donna, honey. You know we left all the burglars back in the city to

loot us while we're up here.

I know. I heard something.

Merry Christmas.

Look what I found.

You look real familiar.

Hey, cut that out.

You look very familiar.

I said cut it out.

Where did you come from?

Stop it.

I said stop it. Nasty elf.

What is it?

Hey, this is my wife.

Get your hands to yourself.

I said stop it.

How'd you do that?

Well, anyway, they say they're runaways from the North Pole.

Well, that's not exactly true.

Xavier's the runaway. I got fired for dipping into Mrs. Claus' cookie jar

Santa was away.

The old boy doesn't want his elves to marry. You know what I mean, huh?

Well... We're on our way to Hollywood. I'm going to sell my story to the

Let me get this straight.

You're Santa Claus's illegitimate daughter?

Mm -hmm.

And your mother is a madam down in New Orleans?

Mm -hmm. That's right.

One Christmas Eve, the old boy had a little too much tear to spread around.

And you were one of Santa Claus's little helpers?

That's right. You know the naughty and nice bit? If you're naughty, I come in.

Look, the gag is over. Who sent you two anyway?

Santa Graham or something?

Yeah. Hey, look, Donna, did you get into this or something? Is this your bag?

Not me, Ted.

Ted, do I sense a tinge of disbelief on your part?

Yeah, you got that right, babe.

Well, you know what this is, Ted?

It looks like a bush.

It's mistletoe.

You know what we do when we stand under mistletoe?

We kiss.

Oh.

Ted, we'd like to spend the night. Is that okay with you?

Sure,

there's plenty of room.

Ted, where have you noticed people?

Donna, it's Santa's daughter.

I mean, we just can't throw her out. It's got to be bad luck or something.

You know, this is crazy.

I never believed in Santa Claus as a kid.

You know, I think we should count the silver in the morning just to be on the

safe side. And we should definitely check the dwarfs' bag before they leave.

Okay, Donna?

Ted, will you concentrate on getting Lockjaw?

Well, maybe if you put a little more feeling into it.

If I suck any harder, you'll get circumcised all over again.

Suck it, bitch.

Eat it.

Let me fuck you now, baby.

Ted.

I love it when you talk to me that way.

Let me fuck you in the ass, baby.

Talk to me dirty, smart head.

What?

I said I love it when you talk to me that way.

Eat that dick.

I've never seen you like this before.

I'm going to fuck you in the ass.

Ted.

Thanks, honey.

Give me that pussy.

Ted.

I don't know what I'm going to fuck you.

Ted, I want you to fuck me now.

What are you doing?

What you just said.

Suck that dick hard, baby.

I love it when you touch me that way.

What way?

You just did.

Okay.

I want to fuck you. I want you to fuck me too, Jay.

Chew on that thing.

I'll do anything you want me to do.

Turn your ass over.

Dad.

What else do you want me to do?

You can lick my paw, pal.

I might fuck you.

It's hard now.

Now what?

You just said you wanted to fuck me.

If you like, sure.

Would be nice.

Okay.

I'm horny. Let me fuck you.

Ted. Yes?

I can't wait for you to fuck me.

I can't wait either.

I know you just told me.

I'm horny. I want to fuck you now.

I want you to fuck me now, too, Ted.

Suck that dick hard, baby.

I'm horny. Let me fuck you.

You've never been this horny before, Ted.

Whatever you say, darling.

Give me that pussy.

Ted, you've got to be patient.

What do you mean? I'm patient.

Patient with what?

Let me suck on those teeth.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, Donna, baby.

Oh, Donna. Oh, Dad.

Oh.

Oh, Donna.

Oh, it's so hot.

Oh,

Donna,

baby.

Is there water dripping from the

ceiling? Sweetheart, it's dry outside. There's no water, okay? It's so wet

here.

Well, maybe you're sweating.

Baby, you know, you've got to park under the bathroom, would you please?

It's so hot for you.

God.

What? There has to be something leaking up there. I swear to God, I'm wet.

Put a towel around your back, all right?

Oh, Donna, baby. Oh, Donna.

Oh, Donna.

Oh, pull my hair down.

Oh,

it feels so good.

Oh, baby,

you got a tight pussy.

I thought you already knew that, Ted.

I knew what?

Yeah, you have a tight pussy.

Oh,

it feels so good.

Oh, fuck the shit out of me, baby.

Oh, ah!

I never married you.

I'm gonna

come grab you.

I'm gonna come grab you.

Donna? Sweetie? Yeah?

Wasn't there a lamp in that corner?

You're a big help.

Let's do it again.

Right now?

Yeah, have you ever had an icicle lick?

No, what's that?

It's when I put two ice cubes in my mouth and give you head.

That sounds like fun.

Get ready, I'll be right back.

Just when you think you know someone.

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

Hi,

you two.

I was getting lonely up there. I hope you don't mind.

Oh, would you like to join us?

Well, I haven't done it with humans before. Maybe I should just watch.

Oh, Jack.

Don't you want to do it?

You know I'm useless when I'm all tent up like this. I don't know why I'm tent.

I just don't know why.

Did you remember to bring your vibrator?

It's in the bag with your trivial pursuit game. On the kitchen counter at

Great place for it, Elaine.

You did it again.

Forget it.

What do you mean, forget it?

Where are you going?

I'm going to the kitchen to get something to eat.

Elaine, you're supposed to be watching your figure, you know. Fuck you.

Oh, nice thing to say to me.

I'm here.

She's not here.

Ooh, I wonder what Santa Claus has brought me for Christmas.

Me, little nasty girl.

Give me you nasty little elf.

Remember what a bad little girl you were? And what we used to do to you?

What do you got in there?

You remember these.

So it's retired?

Oh, goody. Now I know what I'm doing with this thing.

Elaine,

Elaine.

What's the matter with you? I'm just sucking on some ice, Jack.

I can see that.

The old icicle lick trick, huh? Mm -hmm.

I don't think you know about that. I thought you were like the conservative

type.

Well, there's a lot you don't know about.

Eh.

I think I'm going to like this.

I have to get back to 10 o 'clock.

We better hurry up before Elaine comes back.

I think we have a little bit of time.

Well,

it feels great.

Oh, suck it hard.

See, I'm not that conservative, am I?

Better than playing Trillium Pursuit.

Wait a minute.

Enjoy playing Trillium Pursuit.

Oh, fuck it hard, baby.

Oh.

God, nice and stiff.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I got a great idea, Donna. Yeah, what's that, Jack?

Why don't I put some ice cubes up your pussy?

Great.

I've been fucking for a while, man. Fuck you.

Ooh.

Oh, that is great.

Lay down on the bed, Donna.

Let me put these ice cubes up your crack.

Oh.

Mmm.

Excuse me, I was just doing bed checks.

Has anyone seen Donna?

Oh, Ted, you're just the man I've wanted to see.

Can I try out a few things I've just learned?

Sure.

Oh, yes.

Toy.

Uh -huh.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Having fun?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, get it to me.

Mm. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm.

You ever been fucked by an elf before? Oh, no.

You're gonna have a lot of fun.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you get me hot. Oh.

Come on down here.

I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you.

I love your nasty toy. Give it to me.

Enjoying your Christmas present?

Oh, yeah.

Good. Santa treats everybody right.

Only naughty girls.

Oh, boy.

You want to get fucked?

Oh, fuck me, you nasty elf.

Oh, my God.

Feel good?

yeah baby

You want to fuck me some more, don't you?

Get on the floor, bitch.

I want to fuck you. Look at that.

Play

with those

tits, baby.

That turn you on?

Yeah.

Oh, oh.

Huh?

I want you to play with me and suck me up.

Oh,

baby,

come on.

Oh, baby.

Oh,

getting ready to come.

That was fun.

Can we do it again?

Christmas only comes once a year, baby.

Oh, Donna.

I've always wanted you.

You know you're my best friend's wife. You are.

You're a one -sixty woman, I'll tell you.

Oh, God. I used to dream about you night after night.

You know when we were playing Trivial Pursuit? Oh, God.

I used to think of your wet pussy in my mouth.

Oh, I love to suck pussy.

I like it.

I like that. That's it, Mama.

Oh, baby, you're driving me crazy.

Oh,

this is too much.

I'm going to fuck you so badly.

Oh. I don't want to take too long.

Okay.

If you want to fuck me, come on.

Come on.

Get on top.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Surprise you, huh?

Yeah. Oh,

God.

Oh, this is a wonderful country.

Oh,

look at those lips around that cock, huh?

Come on.

Yeah.

You know, I want to shove it in your pussy.

I know you do. I want a tight pussy of yours.

Donna.

Ted.

Jack. Ted, I... Well, are you going to stand

there and fight?

Yeah.

She started it.

Yeah. Well, I'm very... She was supposed to finish it on me.

Oh, Ted, I... Seriously, I didn't... You got lost. When was our marriage date,

darling?

We've got to finish.

What's this?

Yeah, Jack.

I'll let you know.

Oh, Seth, come on, huh?

I can be angry at this time of year.

I don't see Elaine in here buffing my helmet.

Well, that's a nice way of putting it.

There's stuff in your face.

I don't know what with.

I never believed in Santa Claus, Dad.

Too bad.

Fuckin' human man.

Oh, I like that.

Come on.

Um...

Don't come nearly during Hanukkah.

That's it for me.

We won't move, Jenna. For now.

Why so sad?

Christmas is almost over.

And there's still something I haven't experienced yet.

What is that, love?

A truly romantic encounter.

Yeah. With you.