All language subtitles for 21-19

Thank you.

Helen could barely see in the semi
-darkness of the drawing room, but there

no mistaking the killer's shoes
protruding from beneath the musty

Saddle oxfords.

So, this was John's plan to get rid of
her.

Desperately. Frantically.

Frantically, her eyes darted about the
room, searching in the twilight shadows

for something, anything, that would save
her.

There has to be a way out.

Ah, the secret passageway behind the
elk's head.

No good, Nicky. We use the secret
passage behind the suit of armor in Lust

the Crusades.

That's quite right, dear.

Well, let's see.

Ah, how about she finds Jarrett's gun in
her purse?

No, that's too easy.

No, Helen's got to get out of this one
on her own. She's a woman of the 80s.

John's pipe on the mantle. It was so
simple, it evaded me.

Ready, dear?

Fire away.

She remembered John's pipe on the
mantle.

He always kept it there when he was
away.

God let it be there now.

There it was.

She grabbed the calabash and shoved it
into the front pocket of her London fog,

holding it like a Roscoe. It just might
work.

Icy tendrils of fear inched up Helen's
spine as she inched toward the drapes.

There's a lot of inching going on in
that scene, Mickey.

Yes, there was.

Okay.

Icy fingers of fear inched up Helen's
spine as she crept.

A little drink.

Much better.

Thank you.

It was now or never.

She jerked back the curtains and stared
into the eyes of death.

Drop it, she said.

Startled, the killer did just that.

Get him up!

Helen's voice was strong this time.

Slowly, the killer raised his gloved
hands as he stared down at Helen's open

bodice as she stooped to retrieve the
gas.

That's a trench coat, dear.

An open trench coat, darling.

Ah.

New paragraph.

As she rose upright, the killer ripped
Helen's coat and blouse from her

shoulders, pinning her hands to her
side.

Her exposed, quivering breasts, heaped
with anticipation, their pale, porcelain

softness, almost glowing.

In the murky dims.

Ooh, Mickey.

A single gunshot split the stillness of
the night.

Helen backed up, the tall stranger, and
toppled slowly at her feet.

Helen backed towards the wall, the
killer's gun in her hand, poised for an

echoing encore.

Had she?

New paragraph.

Slowly.

Deliberately. Kill her. Crawl toward...

Should she miss the next five shots or
freeze up, paralyzed with fear? Either

way, we have to get rid of her.

So John can go after Valerie's millions.

We used that motive in Lust at Lake
Placid.

That's quite right.

All right.

Valerie has an abominable week on Wall
Street.

She loses everything.

That removes greed as a motive.

I'm getting tired, darling.

Yes, dear. You usually do begin to get
tired after the third pitcher of

martinis.

Well, maybe I don't have it anymore.

Be a dear and pour me one, would you?

Here we are.

To luck and to lust.

Lust has been very good to us. Yes, it
has.

Now, there's an idea, darling.

What's that?

Lust.

Why not have Helen make love to the
killer before he cashes in?

What? That's crazy.

I mean, why would she make love to a guy
she just tried to kill?

It's a new twist.

Have the femme fatale do the dying
hitman a favor.

Kind of like a black widow spider
devouring her mate after sex.

That's what I like about you sugar you
do your best of our ring during sex

Oops.

Would a woman really do that?

I think a lot of women would if the man
was handsome enough.

It would ease her guilt over shooting
him, and she wouldn't have to worry that

he'd kiss and tell.

No, there's something missing. We need a
punch, a payoff.

We still have to get rid of Helen.

I've got it!

I've got it!

We'll have her make love to the killer,
all the while holding the drop on him.

And when she pops her cork... He grabs
for the gun, and kapow!

She shoots herself, and they both die in
a bloody tangle.

Sounds wonderful, dear.

Wonderful? It's pure genius. Come here.

Sit right down here.

Okay.

Paragraph.

Slowly, Helen stripped before the cloak,
her breath coming in quick

heaves of anticipation.

It's Cy.

How are you?

It's Schubert.

Fine, old man.

How are tricks in a big apple? Could be
worse.

How's the book?

We got an ending in sight?

Yes, we're working on the last chapter,
just working on a few plot problems.

Problems? With what they pay you for
these things, you should have problems?

It'll only be a few more days. Nothing
to worry about, Cy. War and peace took

less time.

The Bible was quicker.

What are you doing? Carving it in stone?

You're never at a loss for humor.

Look, there's nothing to worry about,
Cy. Give me a break, okay, Mr. Big Shot

Author?

You make an end of this.

Signal Books is driving me mashugana.

The editor is camped outside my
doorstep.

I'm an old man.

All we have to do is polish the ending.

Ending shmending.

All your books are alike anyway.

If you've read one, you've read them
all.

Call me when you've got something to
tell me.

What'd he say, Nicky?

He said if you read one of our books,
you read them all.

Now, I know our stuff doesn't belong in
the Harvard Classics, but it's not as

bad as all that, is it?

I guess we've been too busy making money
to take a second look.

We write shit.

Yes, we write shit.

Right here in this room.

With that electronic robot.

for a thesaurus and these books to crib
from.

Agatha Christie, Dashiell Hammett,
Raymond Chandler, they were the real

not us.

They kicked around. They found out what
made people tick.

Hammett was a detective years before he
even sold as much as a semicolon. And

Chandler was a world traveler.

We've got to get out of L .A.

and recharge our batteries.

Well, that's all well and good, darling.

But first, we have to finish this book.

It's not as if we can go gallivanting
off on the Orient Express or something.

What did you say?

I said that's all well and good,
darling, but it's not... By George,

it. That's it.

That's what I've been waiting for. Pure
genius. I love you.

I love you, sugar.

You're not serious.

I've never been more serious in my life.
I'll tell you, a trip on the Orient

Express has inspired more writers than
whatever.

What? Pack your bags and pack one for
pasta, too. By the way, where is pasta?

I don't know.

Pasta! Pasta!

Pasta! Pasta!

Pasta! Pasta! Pasta!

Hey, never mind that. Go get Schubert on
the phone.

Look through this.

Forgive me that. You're too young to
hear this kind of language.

Look through this. Everything you want
to see or hear about the Orient Express.

not getting a good word from a writer
whose name he made a household word

already. We'll tell his corpse that the
manuscript will be postmarked from

either Paris or Venice.

Venice, California, I hope you're
telling me. Please, God, make it Venice,

California.

Venice, Italy, I have two heart attacks.

Possibly Istanbul.

Istanbul!

Are you crazy?

What'll I tell Signal Books?

I'm having a thrombo already.

Oh, great.

You can tell them that Nick and Nora
Chalmers will be taking an extended

vacation in Europe.

And if they want to speak to us, they'll
have to buy a ticket on the Orient

Express.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
143. Your passports, please.

Cabin number five.

Cabin number two.

Cabin number four.

Welcome to the 654.

Your

dog

will be quartered in the baggage car.

You and your secretary... You are in
cabin number...

Sir,

your Renault.

Welcome to the sixth pipe hall. Thank
you. You are in cabin number six.

Yes, look at that up there

I'll

take that one Well, let

me

hear it. Thank you. Thank you My good
man, do you know who I am?

Clint Reynolds.

Famous movie actor. Perhaps you've seen
some of my recent pictures.

In lieu of a tip, I'm going to give you
an autographed photo of myself.

Suitable for framing.

There you are, my good man.

Monsieur Chalmers.

Mr. Nick Chalmers and Madame Chalmers?
In the flesh.

What a very great honor it is to meet
you.

I am Leroux.

I have read every one of your books.

My favorite is Lost in the Louvre.

Remember that one?

Like it was yesterday.

Welcome to the 654, Monsieur.

Your dog is quartered in the baggage
compartment.

And your cabin is, um... Number three.

Elegant wonderful just like in the
picture. Yes

Welcome

to the

654 you are in cabin number one

Open up there, please.

Thank you.

Very good. Very good. Thank you very
much. Come

in.

Are you quite comfortable, Lady Ashley?

Quite.

The train will be departing in five
minutes.

Ah, monsieur. Yes, yes. Behind this door
is your water -flation closet.

Now, if you need anything else, just...
Well, would you see that we get plenty

of towels, would you?

Oh, no, monsieur.

Not from you, I couldn't.

Perhaps by the end of your journey...

Possible to what perhaps you might
autograph one of your novels, of course,

course With you and madam aboard this
trip would be a real adventure.

Oh You flatter us thank you. That's not
at all. Not at all. The train leaves in

five minutes

The decor is simply gorgeous.

What? This brochure, darling. The
paneling in the dining car.

The opulence is stunning.

Reminds me of the Hearst Castle.

You know, I can't find my clothes, Bert.
Did you pack it?

Oh, it's in that suitcase.

Oh, good.

Complementary champagne, Monsieur Jean
-Bass.

Courtesy of the Wagoneer style.

Merci, merci.

It is our pleasure, sir.

Isn't it a lot more fun being famous
author than Europe, darling?

It's a ball.

You know, it's going to be very
difficult to put up with all this luxury

next three days.

To the Orient Express.

Yes.

What are you doing?

Find out who he is. Or was.

Maybe the answer's in here.

Here's his passport.

Yeah.

Jay Cairo.

Where have I heard that name before?

You know, it does have a familiar ring
to it.

Here's a telegram.

Party traveling on Orient Express.

Stop. Proceed with extreme caution.
Stop.

Make contact at your discretion. Stop.

Notify me when situation is terminated.

Stop. Drexel.

Shouldn't we tell someone, LaRue, or the
police?

No. If we do that, there'll be a lot of
questions we can't answer.

We may even be suspected of this.

I think our safest move is to keep this
quiet for a while until we can find out

just what this is all about.

Because one thing's for certain.

What's that, dear?

Whoever killed him is on this train.

No kidding.

I could pretend he's not there for the
time being.

Nikki, I don't like this. If someone
finds out, we could get in real trouble.

No one's going to find out. Believe me.

We had a similar situation to this in
Lust and the Bermuda Triangle. Don't you

remember?

Oh, yes. When the jealous husband hid in
the closet waiting to catch his wife

and the calypso dancer.

That's right.

And he got away with it, didn't he? It
worked for him.

As I recall, he was in there for four
days without being discovered.

That's because the wife and the calypso
dancer didn't get out of bed for four

days.

I never did like that chapter.

Too vulgar.

Well, you never said anything before.

We've never been on the Orient Express
before.

Those lips, those eyes.

It's a party.

And all you have to do is... You know

how to do this.

Beautiful. Ann Ellison.

Alright.

Oh, that third eye of yours.

Oh!

I don't think you're quite right for
that part. Do you know what I mean?

But I'll tell you what.

Keep you in order, Brad. Told you it was
myself.

Would Monsieur and Madame care for
cocktail or champagne, perhaps?

Champagne would be fine, thank you. Oui,
Monsieur.

Nicky, this is gorgeous.

It's everything we thought it would be.

She'd be a wonder.

join you, sir? Of course, I'd be
delighted.

I'm Colonel Kittredge, Rudyard
Kittredge.

I must say, I'm surprised to see you in
the flesh, young man.

Oh, let me guess.

You've always wanted to meet me?

Well, no, not exactly.

In fact, I thought you were dead.

Damn those tabloids.

Every time I give a freelance journalist
an hour of my time, I get tapped in the

back.

Something wrong, Nicky?

Uh, no.

I say it is safer if we reveal the fact
that we are carrying the diamond. This

way the passengers are watching each
other.

Pardon me, venerable one, but would we
not attract too much attention?

For the value of the gem, we could well
be... murdered in our beds.

Nicky? Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

All the excitement here.

I got carried away.

Passant?

Oui, monsieur?

Bring me a very dry martini.

Oui, monsieur.

Lady Ashley.

It is so good to finally meet you.

Your late husband, Lord Boothroyd
Ashley, was a very good friend of mine,

the British army was in my country.

We spent many evenings together over
chess.

He was terribly fond of the re -Lopez
technique.

It is so kind of you to remember my dear
husband, Jamal Pasha.

I'm only sorry that he's not here to see
you donate your family treasure, the

Farrakhan diamond, to the Venice Museum.

I understand the trustees will disperse
funds equal to the value of the gem to

charity. What is its worth?

Twelve million pounds?

Some rock.

Magnanimous gesture on your part to
deliver the diamond personally.

Thank you. It will be a great pleasure
to see you.

I'm Clint Reynolds.

You must remember me. I was a house
guest in your home in Surrey some years

when I was filming in London.

Mr. Reynolds, I do remember you.

I thought you were dead.

You must come and visit me in Surrey
again. Oh, I might just do that.

Oh, perhaps you've seen some of my
recent pictures.

Fencing in the rain, massacre at Fort
Blood, the disemboweler.

I might have caught one on an airplane.

You were crashing motor cars about or
something like that, weren't you?

Frankly, if you've seen one of those
films, you've seen them all.

Sound familiar, Nicky?

Thanks for making my day.

I don't care much for that Reynolds,
Nora.

You know, I could swear I heard him say
something to that British colonel.

What's his name, Kittredge?

Something about stabbing someone in the
back.

Well, maybe he was talking about one of
his old movies. You know, he really used

to do some awful things back when he was
a big star.

What do you mean, when he was playing
heavies? Yeah.

Fans loved him as a desperado. As soon
as Hollywood tried to turn him into a

hero, he dropped dead.

You know, maybe Jamal Pasha did have
something to do with that. He is very

mysterious looking.

Well, looks can be deceiving, darling.

Now, I think Reynolds is mixed up in
this somehow. You know, he could have

Cairo's contact.

The telegram did say it may contact at
your discretion.

Where are you going?

I'm going to see what I can find in
Clint Reynolds' cabin. He's probably

up in a salon car.

I bet LaRue has a passkey.

What are those for?

There's detective work to be done.

This is the way we impounded this file
of ads in the Kennel murder case.

Now, you lock that door behind me and
don't open it for anyone.

Okay. See you later, sugar.

What the devil are you doing here?

All right, Reynolds, you do well to
cooperate with me.

I have a few questions to ask you.

That's all. Bye.

If I get you in here again, I'll break
your neck.

You are expecting someone, Sahib?

It is Lady Ashley.

Show her in.

Please come in.

Lady Ashley?

May we dismiss for the evening?

Yes, Sahib.

Yes, Lady Ashley.

How may I be of service to you this
evening?

As it turns out, Jamal, I shan't be able
to attend the exhibition in Venice.

I'm going straight to Rome.

I thought perhaps you might show me the
diamond now.

Better to show you the moon in stars,
fair lady.

The diamond will pale before you're
ready in beauty.

I do know how to show appreciation for
things of great beauty.

You show me the diamond, and I'll show
you a ripping good time.

The diamond.

You show me yours if I show you mine.

In your country, this game is called
doctor, is it not?

You go first

Jamal

it's beautiful

It's usually sometimes called the eye of
evil.

Because it causes an overwhelming
torrent of sexual energy to surge and

within those who gaze upon its splendor.

That washed -up, one -note, two -bit,
three -time loser.

That incurable hand.

I should have let him have it, but I
didn't dare with that stiff in the

Good thinking Nikki. Did you find
anything?

No, I'll tell you one thing.

I Don't think Reynolds would have the
nerve to murder anyone Let alone the

brains not to get caught You know
something he wears a corset

Sounds like Gemma Pasha and Lady Ashley
are doing their part to improve these

West relations.

And they're doing a good job.

Bye.

Thank you.

Beatrice, for God's sake, be careful
with that. I bought it at Bergdorf's.

It's Mr. Reynolds, Lady Ashley.

Come on in.

What do I owe the pleasure of this
visit?

Well, I thought that, uh, well, things
being the way they are, on this train,

that is, with all of us being on the
same boat, so to speak, I thought

we could help each other get what we're
after.

You know what I mean?

No, I don't know.

Could you possibly be more vague?

Well, in short, I... I, um, have a
proposition for you.

Beatrice, you may take breakfast now.

Yes, ma 'am.

Tell me, Mr. Reynolds, what sort of
proposition did you have in mind?

I've been out there, of course, for many
years, but you were interested in what

the women were like, and the comparison
between them and the women back here. I

get out of there, again, because, well,
really, there are limits to what women

do.

The difference, really, I think, is the
way they look, because the women out

there tend to have these really large,
pendulous buttocks, and the breasts that

hang down, you know, things that you
might see on one of those temples

New Delhi. I was stationed in New Delhi
for many years.

Goodbye. Oh, good day, good day. Mind if
I join you?

Have a seat, please.

Thank you, Governor.

Tell me, how's Lady Ashley this morning?

Oh, she's all right.

She's attending to some personal
business.

so continue panel kitchen you were
telling us about the fuzzy wuzzies did i

mention that the fuzzy wuzzies run
around the jungle and completely naked

well the males of course wear these
enormous penis sheets that stick

out in front covering their entire penis
imagine what would happen if you ran

into a tree when you were wearing one of
those

Thank you.

Okay.

I'll be the decoy.

And as soon as they're gone, you go in
and grab the rock.

And then we split 50 -50, right?

50 -40.

Okay, if I get the 60.

I have to pay Richard.

I get the 60.

Drive a hard bargain.

And you drive a hard tool.

You know better.

I've had second thoughts about that
part.

Why don't we talk about it again?

I tell you, I... I wish I could have
eaten another piece of that Bavarian rum

cake.

It was good.

Yes, I couldn't fit it on the table.

It's just too full.

Mr. Leroux, I have just returned from
the salon car, and the paragon diamond

been stolen from this compartment.

Stolen, monsieur?

Sometime within the last hour.

No. If I were to leave, I don't know
what to say, monsieur.

You must promise me, Mr. Leroux.

That you would not breathe a word to the
other prostitutes about this most

unfortunate incident.

It will be a matter for the Venice
police upon our arrival.

Of course it is.

I won't breathe a word.

Someone's pinched the Farrakhan diamond.

What a vacation.

Dead bodies falling through the door.
Grand larceny. What's next, mass rape?

You know, whoever killed Cairo is
probably in on the theft.

Maybe his contact double -crossed him.

Well, $12 million is a good motive for
murder, I suppose.

Who do you think did it?

I don't know, but if Lady Ashley lost
everything but her title to the IRS or

ERS or whatever they call it in Britain,
that diamond would be very tempting.

Lady Ashley was in Jamal Posh's cabin
last night.

Good girl. You see, all the pieces are
falling together.

I've got to get into Lady Ashley's cabin
alone.

Maybe tomorrow.

Well, you'll figure something out, I'm
sure. In the meantime, let's go to bed.

Go to bed?

Thomas, what are you doing here?

Waiting for you, Beatrice.

Go on.

You're pulling me leg.

What are you really doing in here?

Well, you know I'm a writer.

Oh, yeah.

Your books are very popular.

Read one I did once.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

Blessed on the Subway.

Do you remember, Beatrice, in that one
where the flower girl, Sylvia, was

kidnapped by Chinese midgets?

Oh, that was the best part.

when they drug her into that opium den
and dressed up like the Seven Dwarves. I

hated being alone that night.

Well, the book I'm writing at the moment
takes place in London.

And there's a character very much like
you.

Go on.

No, I'm serious.

She's secretary to Lady Pembleton.

Her name is Gwendolyn. Really?

That's incredible.

Got a cousin named Gwendolyn.

Well, Lady Pembleton lives in London.

Where does Lady Ashley live?

Oh, uh...

Renting a flat in Piccadilly.

It's a temporary, mind you.

She doesn't live in Surrey?

Not no more.

Oh, I forgot.

I'm not supposed to tell a soul.

You won't let Lady Ashley know I told
you. Why, she'd sack me sure.

I'm sure we can work something out.

All right.

I'll give in.

Have your way with me.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

I won't tell on you if you do the same
for me.

I wouldn't want Lady Ashley to know that
I was here getting background on my

book. And please, don't tell my wife
either.

You know what I mean?

Oh, I think we can work something out.

How long have you worked for Lady
Ashley?

A few years going on.

A few good ones, I hope.

Are you happy working for her?

Well, I mean, you got a big one.

Does Lady Ashley...

She seems like a nice person, is she?

Oh, she's all right.

Doesn't like me having a good time,
though.

Says I get too familiar with strange
men.

Can you imagine?

Well, Lady Ashley seems like she would
have a lot of friends.

Wasn't she going to meet one of them on
this train? I thought I overheard her

say so.

My, my.

But you're dedicated to your craft.

Well, let nothing stand in your path,
you won't.

Wasn't Lady Ashley going to meet a
friend on the Orient Express?

A little man in a white suit?

I've seen him.

Where? On the telly. You know, on that
fantastic island with the Spaniard.

Mr. Chalmers, I think you've got midgets
on the brain.

No, Beatrice, no. Not the plane.

The train.

Cairo. Cairo.

Well, this train doesn't go to Cairo. It
stops in Venice.

If you don't mind, I'd like to finish
what I started.

We haven't got all day, you know.

I'm the kind of girl who likes to have
her cock and eat it too.

Thank you.

Promise not to tell my wife.

You promised not to tell Lady Ashley.

I'll promise not to tell your wife.

Is it a deal, mate?

Are you sure you want to do that, Mr.
Chong?

Looks like a safe bet.

Well, as a writer of such clever
mysteries, you must know that looks can

deceiving.

Damn.

My mind just isn't on the game tonight.

That makes three nights in a row.

So as long as we keep our cool, we'll be
home free.

No one could possibly expect me of
anything.

Jamal Parker looks pretty chipper for a
man who just lost 12 million pounds.

In fact, he's got a smile on his face
like he just knocked off a really wild

piece of ad.

Don't worry, Lady A.

No one can hear us.

It would seem to be your move, sir. In
more ways than one.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, Colonel.

I've had about enough of the
spellbinding contest.

Would you mind escorting me back to my
cabin?

I'll be delighted, my dear.

Thank you.

And meet.

That makes 400.

It's a good thing your books are still
so popular, Mr. Charles.

Well, 400 doesn't break me, Pasha.

We'll settle up in Venice as we agreed.

I've got to be turning in.

Give my best to Mrs. Thomas.

Or is it Mrs.?

Where'd

you get that?

Colonel Kittredge gave it to me.

Belonged to his wife.

He wanted me to try them on. Oh.

Well, did you?

Yes, I did.

Did you have fun?

Yes.

Probably not as fun as you had with
Beatrice.

I'm sorry, darling.

Forget it.

I trust you will forget it.

Forget what? I already forgot what I was
supposed to forget.

What's the progress in the sleuthing?

Oh, it's very good, and you can be a lot
of help.

You know, I noticed that Colonel
Kittredge passed a small dark pouch to

bartender.

Pretty suspicious.

He hid it under the bar.

Now, if you could go back there and take
a look.

I might find the Farrakhan diamond.

Not to be pronounced too quickly.

Oh, Madame Charmer.

Having trouble sleeping?

Yes, I thought a drink might help.

The salon car is closed, Madame.

But for us tonight, we can make next
session, no?

Let me lock the door.

So we could be alone.

I seem to have lost an eyelash.

What is Madame's pleasure?

You did say you wanted a drink, did you
not?

But then, the American women so rarely
say what it is you really want.

Aren't you being a little bit
presumptuous, Francois?

It would seem that both your lashes are
in place, Madame.

Oh, well, they're the new kind. You put
them on individually.

You know, for the natural look.

Play your little game, if you must.

There is no reason for games, madame.

On the Orient Express, when the moon is
full.

Francois, I'm a married woman.

Yes, madame.

And it is noble of you to remember the
fact, in spite of your husband's

occasional lapses.

Whatever took you so long? Oh, I thought
you were my wife.

The bourbon you requested, monsieur?

Oh, yes, thank you. I had quite a time
finding any of this. My wife

went to...

Yes, Mr. Chalmers, you were saying?

My wife, she went to the baggage car to
check on our little dog. Oh, of course,

Mr. Chalmers.

And how is your little dog weathering
the trip?

Dogging.

Now,

I'm so tired.

I'm going to fit a sack. Do you need any
items for your water closet, mister?

Wait!

What is wrong, monsieur?

I will bring you fresh towers in the
morning.

Okay.

Well, good night, Francois.

Well, good night, madame.

And thank you for being so considerate.

I can't believe how many women I serve
in this train who never even leave me a

tip.

Very unusual tea.

Yes.

Tea.

Very nice though. Yes.

We have to discuss, as Beth said in
private. That's why we're here.

We want to help you now that the
diamond's been stolen.

How did you know the diamond was stolen?

I wasn't sure.

But you just proved it was.

You better tell us if you know anything.

Think of what your master would do to
you if he thought you stole it.

Nicky, you don't have to be so cold.
Can't you see the poor girl is scared

of her wits? Why don't you just shine a
light in her eyes?

There, there.

I was just teasing him for being such a
beast.

Men are such beasts sometimes.

Now, we're only here to help you. Nikki
overheard Pasha telling Lulu that the

diamond was stolen.

We just want to find out what's going
on.

We're only here to help you, not to hurt
you.

You have Italy?

Yes, I believe it is Italy.

We are due in Venice very soon.

Yes? Yes.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No, I must remain a virgin until I'm
married. But you can penetrate me here.

Oh. Oh.

I'm much looking forward to seeing it

All

right Pasha Tell your boy to

back off.

Otherwise, LaRue here will turn
everything we know over to the Venice

Better. Now, there's no reason why we
can't be civilized about this.

So, you thought you could get away with
the old diamond theft trick, huh?

It's a pity you didn't read Lust
Horizon.

In that one, I demonstrated just how
such a plot can work.

Obviously.

I have no idea what you're talking
about, Mr. Chopp.

And as for reading your trash, the mind
is a temple.

I do not believe in polluting it with
waste material.

Talking about this, you raghead.

You'd better explain yourself, sir,
before my patient is exhausted.

Does the name Jake Cairo mean anything
to you?

No. No?

You don't know anything about a little
man in a white suit? A dead little man

with a knife sticking from his back?

I was on to you when I overheard you
tell LaRue that the Farrakhan diamond

stolen. How did you know that, monsieur?

I would think you, of all people, would
know the answer to that question, LaRue.

Act for this sort of thing. In any case,
I decided to make a thorough search of

Clint Reynolds' cabin to see if I could
find a link between him and the murdered

man, J.

Cairo.

And did you?

Uh, no.

You were sort of thrown off course, I
believe.

I'll admit I was baffled for a while,
but as usual, I figured it out.

What has all this got to do with me? I
was coming to that.

You, Jamal Pasha, faked the theft.

The Farrakhan diamond was never stolen
except by its owner.

And why in the name of Allah would I do
that?

For the insurance money, of course.

Which brings me to the identity of the
murdered man.

I am convinced that Jay Cairo was
working for your underwriter.

He was on to your plans, so you had him
killed before he could squawk.

Mickey, how did you know that?

I don't know. It's the only thing that
makes sense.

And I suppose Hassan here carried out
the ghastly deed under my orders?

No, I'm not suggesting that. At least
not that Hassan did it. He would be the

obvious suspect.

No, Pasha, you're much too clever for
that.

You would have found someone above
suspicion.

Someone in need of money.

Like an out -of -work actor, so
desperate he would do anything to be

maintain his high roller lifestyle.

You're getting funnier by the minute,
Chalmers.

I haven't come to the best part yet.

You see, in a situation like this, a
fall guy is needed so the insurance

will buy the theft as genuine.

Now, I know that Lady Ashley visited
your cabin the first night after dinner.

You two were there alone. No doubt you
decided to blame her.

That wasn't very smart, Pasha.

No one would ever believe that a woman
of her social status and financial

holdings could be a part of such a
thing.

Oh, this is becoming idiotic. If you
must know, the Farrakhan diamond hasn't

been stolen at all.

Of course not.

Here it is.

Oh, this is a stupid fake I use when
traveling.

Do you think I'm so foolish as to leave
the Farrakhan diamond in a place where

anyone can get their hands on it?

Fatima!

a freaking diamond?

And that is where it has been for the
last three days.

Oh, I see.

Oh, yes.

Wonderful.

By faking the theft, you stop anyone
who's planning on stealing it.

Brilliant.

That's why she didn't want me to. To
what?

Very clever.

I might use this in my next book. In
fact, I think I will. I think I will use

this in my next book.

I had it planned down to the last
detail.

I spent my last pound making this trip.
And for what?

Jamal, it's all your fault.

You've tricked me.

I'll never forgive you for this.

Worthless piece of rock.

Rats!

Hold on, everybody.

We're still faced with a murder here.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why are we taking this pompous bag of
wind's word for anything?

How do we know there's even been a
murder?

Oh, there's been a murder, all right.

And the killer's hidden a body to cover
his trail.

There's only one man left who could have
done it.

Only one other person who could have
killed Jay Cairo.

Someone mentioned my name.

What happened? Who took you? Nobody took
me. I've been hiding in the baggage car

for two days.

I had to sit down.

That little bathroom was killing my
back.

And that baggage car was no picnic
either.

There's a crazy German there who thinks
the Second World War is still going on.

Who is this man?

Oh, allow me. J. Cairo, literary agent
at your service.

Literary agent?

Yes. Excuse the colorful theatrics. It
was necessary.

It was the only way I could keep my eye
on you two.

Keep an eye on us? Why?

For my employer.

Signal Books.

They were afraid something might happen
to you on this trip.

And my instructions were to stay as
close to you as possible.

But there were no more reservations on
the train, no more accommodations.

So this was the only way I could think
of. It was all arranged by your agent in

New York, Cy Schubert.

this all about? Who was that man anyway?

That, Mr. Chalmers, is Chief Inspector
Spinezzo of the Venice Police, who has

been traveling on vacation.

Some people occasionally use the train
for that purpose.

Inspector, huh?

Ah, maybe sometime he and I can have a
little chat. Compare theories on crime.

You imbecile!

Never in my 20 years of service on this
train have I encountered anyone like

you. It is you who should be turned over
to the police.

Your help.

ruined this trip for my passengers,
disrupted our service, and even accused

people of being criminals.

We are lucky if we are not sued.

If you're ever in Surrey, do drop by. I
don't live there anymore.

Bad show, boy. Bad show.

Don't give up your day job.

I don't know why they're taking it so
seriously.

Like anybody's been murdered or
anything.

Mr. Reynolds, your film's on total
trash. I'm not interested.

Now, this one, this one is beautiful,
but for $2 million, we could... This

was tailor -made for me, and you could
pick the leading lady. Trash is trash,

Mr. Reynolds.

Oh, no, no, this isn't trash.

Well, garbage, then.

I don't understand. Everything seemed to
fit so well.

Don't let it bother you, dear. There
were two attempts to steal the diamond.

All those copies, I wouldn't put it past
any of them.

There just wasn't a murder, that's all.

Wait till I get my hands on Schubert.
I'll show you murder.

It's just a shame this trip didn't
inspire you like you thought it would.

Wait a minute.

That's it.

What's it?

Ah, sugar.

You're a genius.

Mickey, what are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Inspiration. Don't you see? Don't you
realize what's just happened to us?

got a great story here. The one that
just happened to us on this brain.

No more reaching for books to crib from.
No more memory just brimming with

cliches. Of course, there are a few
details that might be altered here and

there, or maybe even improved on.

Mickey, I haven't seen you this inspired
about writing a new book ever.

Maybe this one will be substantial.

Maybe this one will be really good.

Good? It'll be brilliant. And I've got
the perfect title.

You have? What is it?

Lust on the Orient Express.