Original subtitles

It's in love or hate.

That's what Dr. Benway used to say.

She read it someplace.

She was a fool, Dr.

Benway was.

But I suppose she was right about that.

Things do have feelings.

Not just plants and trees. I mean things.

Rocks, radios, cars, garbage cans.

And me.

I do. More than you can.

I can even remember the moment of my birth.

That's more than you can do.

I remember.

Hands.

Strong hands drilling me, stuffing me, nailing me, stitching my skin.

Such strong, rough hands. They felt so good on me, making me, pulling me

together. I remember those men, the men who made me.

As I grew, I could hear them.

No, not their words. I could hear their thoughts, their feelings, through their

hands, through their flesh when they touched me.

But the more they listened, sometimes I could reach in,

reach into them and make them feel, make them do what I want.

That's very amazing, playing with rules.

Playing with their tender little feelings.

I remember my first owner.

Dear Dr.

Fenway. She was so proper.

So sure of herself.

But not when I got through with her.

She hated me.

No. No, I positively cannot come home for supper tonight.

I'm sorry, but you should have checked with me before you went through all that

trouble.

I don't know.

About ten. I don't know exactly.

Listen, just because we're married does not give you the right to ask me for a

detailed time schedule.

I certainly don't ask you how you spend your every minute.

Listen, my next patient's here. I've got to go.

Right. I'll see you.

Do you have your couch for your poster?

No, Martin. That's a new couch.

Well, what was wrong with the old couch? I liked it.

It was old, Martin. It was time that I purchased a new one.

But I like the old couch.

Really? Well, it's about the old couch you like so much.

No, it was... That is, it... I felt like...

Martin.

We often let ourselves become upset over minor little things.

That's so we don't have to focus in on our real problems.

I hate this damn couch.

It's weird.

Weird? Yes, weird.

Would you like to stand on that statement?

No, I would not.

Martin, have you tried my suggestions out with Cal yet?

You mean the soft music, the cocktail, hugging and kissing first?

Yeah, I tried it.

And?

And nothing.

It didn't work, or I didn't work.

Tell you the truth, I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to do what a man

does to a woman.

I was limp as a... I don't know.

Oh, I hate this damn couch.

Air off the blouse and suck on his tits. She'll love it.

What did you say?

No, Martin, I didn't say anything.

Well, somebody said something.

Really? What did they say?

They said I... Oh, nothing.

Oh, this couch is very uncomfortable.

All right, Martin. Would you like me to come up next to you?

Now perhaps we can discuss the real issue.

Tell me something, Doctor.

Are you married?

Yes, I am.

Doesn't your husband get upset from your work?

Now, what do you mean?

You know, here you are specializing in people who have sexual difficulties.

Doesn't he ever wonder what goes on here?

No.

Sergio, my husband, knows I conduct my practice on a completely verbal level.

Wouldn't it be lovely to get a really good fucking for a change?

Spread your legs. Let him fuck you.

He sounds like a real wimp, just like me.

I would hardly characterize my husband as a wimp.

Sure. It feels so good.

Getting banged by a fat cock till your pussy burns. A hard, juicy cock making

you cum.

Auditory hallucination.

Martin, please, let's get on with the fishing. She wants it. Do it to her.

her down on her belly. Rip off her clothes.

Bang her till she screams.

Stick your cock in her.

Yeah.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That really tastes good.

Yes,

doctor? Has Mr. Davidson called?

We'll send him right in when he gets here, please.

Yes?

Tell him I'm with a patient. Call me back later.

Get yourself ready.

Get ready for him.

You don't have to wait.

You know you can start without him.

Come on.

Feels good.

That's it.

Oh, yeah, lay back.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Yeah.

See, you're ready for my therapy.

Uh -oh.

You're exactly 15 minutes late, Martin.

I'm sorry. I had things to take care of.

But I've made it clear right from the beginning that I operate on a strict

schedule. And when a patient comes in late, it completely disrupts everything.

All right, all right. Maybe we'll just call it off for next time. No.

No, wait a minute.

Try to be here on time. You know when you're not here on time. We just don't

have enough time together.

Sure, Doctor.

I think my friend here needs a little therapy

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, yeah.

Beautiful.

You know, Doctor, I told Carolyn everything about my cure.

Dr. Martin, that was most unwise.

Wasn't she upset?

Well, she cried a little.

She has nothing to be upset about.

She's getting more from me than she's ever got. I think Carolyn should give

a medal, Doctor.

Martin, we mustn't talk about our indiscretions.

Do you know you could jeopardize my home?

Oh, doctor.

So this is how you do therapy, you bitch.

Look, now do you believe me?

Your wife...

Well,

no harm done.

I was getting tired of Dorothy Benway anyway.

For a sexual therapist, her own attitudes were pretty fucked up.

Needless to say, the dear doctor soon closed down her New York practice and

relocated in California, where nobody cares who fucks what or what fucks whom.

I was put in storage for a while anyway, which wasn't as bad as it sounds.

He used to hide girly magazines under my cushions, and, well, one thing led

to another, and we used to have about two orgasms a day.

Lucky I had my dust covers on.

But in a funny way, I learned something.

I learned how to be subtle.

I found that all... I really had to do was sort of whisper to people.

Whisper so softly that they weren't even aware of my voice.

And still, they'd do exactly what I wanted.

Exactly what I needed.

Which makes me think all I was really doing was getting people to do all the

hot, nasty things they wanted to do anyway.

Imagine that.

me. A sexual amplifier.

Hi, babe.

Hi.

Where'd this come from?

This is our new couch.

You like it?

I got it for $75.

You mean this is a secondhand couch?

It's practically new. Look.

Hey, Alice, I'm getting my first paycheck next week.

We can afford to put a down payment on some new furniture.

We don't need stuff that's repossessed from some welfare case.

Well, first of all, we will get new furniture next week. We just won't need

new couch. Second of all, it's not from some welfare case. It's from a

psychiatrist who went to California.

Oh, yeah, sure. Some little old lady that drove it only on Sundays?

No, really.

Jessica took me, and you know how fussy she is.

She got this out -of -sight oak desk.

You and Jessica.

Tell me, would you do anything that Jessica thought would out of sight?

Well, if in reason, there's some things I wouldn't do. Oh, such as?

Such as if she wanted to borrow my beautiful, wonderful husband.

I'd tell her. Yeah?

To go screw herself.

Oh, damn.

What if, uh, what if she just wanted to trade?

You know, she's got a nice new husband, too.

Teddy really thinks too much of himself.

Oh, I don't know. It seems to me you were checking him out pretty careful at

restaurant last Friday.

And as for Jessica, well, she's perfectly screwable as long as she

this all of a sudden isn't very funny.

So who's kidding?

I don't know what kind of a girl you think you married, but my tapes and bed

completely un -kinky.

I noticed.

Hey.

I'm kidding.

Just a joke.

Come on, let's christen our beautiful pups.

Mind making love to your straight -legged old wife?

You mean my sex city?

No, no, it all depends.

Let's see what she can do.

Ouch. What happened?

I don't know. You scratched me with your teeth or something.

I wasn't good at it.

Then I told you to forget about it. It's really okay.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Suck on him.

It's okay.

I'll show you how.

Wait, I have to learn some tie.

That's it.

Lick him.

Uh -huh.

And touch his balls.

Gently. Now pump it.

Good.

Oh, delicious.

Now let's go.

With your lips.

Careful.

Down the shaft.

And up.

Isn't it good when you know how to do it?

So good.

Look at us.

Smear your face as it comes all over.

Oh, that's good.

Alice had everything to learn about sex.

Practically. But I didn't mind. She was really an excellent student.

And besides, I'm a brilliant teacher.

After a year of studying under me, I mean... Over me.

She could suck cock with the best of them.

I taught her a few other little tricks as well.

Bob, too.

End of our first year, they were both highly skilled at doing what people have

been doing since they climbed out of the trees.

But like I said before, humans are so strange.

It seems like they're always running, always changing, always hungry for

something new, different.

But that's okay.

In fact, it's fine.

Hey, come on, honey. We're going to be late.

Hey, look, will you calm down?

That's no big thing.

No big thing? What do we do this every day?

Look, I told you before, I'm not trying to talk you into anything.

You don't want to do it? Then forget about it.

Really?

Really.

Bobby, this winter's club will be open for a long time. Why don't we just go to

the movies instead?

Yeah, sure, Allie.

Just seems a shame, though, in a way.

What? Well, you're just so beautiful.

So sexy.

You know, your new outfit and everything.

Well, I don't care.

We'll be the best -dressed couple in the driveway.

And I'll make it worth you wildly.

You're always worth my while, sweetheart.

Hey,

look, I'll tell you what.

What?

We'll go to the swingers' club.

But, Bobby... No, wait, wait, wait.

We won't actually do anything.

We'll just check it out for a while, and then we'll split. You know, just to see

what it's like.

Really? Yeah, sure.

Well, okay.

And then, if anything does happen, we'll use that little signal.

What signal?

Well, you know, if any one of us gets turned off by the other couple, then

just say something like, well, we have this little rule, my husband and I. We

don't actually do anything the first time we meet another couple.

But you just said... Oh, look, Ellie, don't you hear what I'm saying?

There's no risk, really.

If you get cold feet or whatever, just give them the magic word.

No hard feelings.

Well, okay, but remember... Scout's honor.

Come on.

Hey, don't forget.

You find anything good, bring it back home.

I had complete faith in Bobby's powers of persuasion.

He wasn't a rising young sailor for nothing.

Well,

now, who would like another drink?

Ralph?

It's George.

George. Got it.

It's George. Yeah, I'll have a Scotsman soda.

All right. Scotsman soda. All right.

How about you?

Two plates of water and bombs.

Right. Be right back.

This really is a lovely place you have here, as well as its two owners.

Why, thank you, sir.

Isn't he cute?

Oh, brother, is she for real? Um, I, uh, don't recall. Was this your first time

at the club? Because I don't remember seeing your face before.

Well, it was our first time at this club.

Oh, well, I'm afraid it was a charming, charming addition.

Uh... Thank you again, sir.

My Mr. Charm, he's so cute.

I like it, sir. One of my biggest fans.

I've been making for the great marriage.

Refreshment time.

Elaine?

Whiskey and we're out of salt.

Allie, dear.

I'm your wife, remember?

For you, Elaine.

Water.

Thank you.

George.

Well, well, here's to a wonderful evening.

Come on. Cheers.

Cheers. All that.

Elaine.

Why don't you go Bobby? Oh, you're sweet with pleasure

Hmm,

maybe

this girl does have some good points doesn't make a lovely couple

Hey, Allie, forget about Bob.

Why don't you show George what you can do?

Hmm?

Swinging is fun.

We should all do this more often, don't you think?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I needed this.

Oh, harder.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Thank you both.

Was it better?

Don't feel bad, sweetie. This happens to a lot of us the first time.

All right, well, good night, kids.

Don't bother to get us out of school.

Okay. So long. Good night. Good night.

Well,

at least you enjoyed yourself.

Thank you, Bobby.

Baby, let's fuck.

Not now, Bobby. I'm exhausted.

First thing in the morning, I promise.

Cunt.

Don't worry.

Justice Gilded Alley and the proper etiquette of swinging.

We had some wonderful times, the three of us. And the five of us. And the nine

of us.

There was even this one couple with the most obedient German shepherd.

Oh, but what was I saying?

Oh, yes.

Bobby and Ollie were coming along in lots of ways.

I told you he was a wonderful salesman.

Soon it was promotion time. More money.

New car.

New furniture, too.

French provincial, if you can believe that.

I couldn't understand a word it said.

Me, they stuck in the TV room.

But I really didn't mind.

On the nights when it was just the three of us, I could still get my rocks off

during the commercials.

And you know how many commercials there are in The Tonight Show.

And, of course, for variety, there were always the babysitters.

Oh, did I mention... The natives, the Indians, had a sticky time pronouncing

word English.

First, it sounded like... Oh.

Come on, Lisa, what do you think this is, the 50s?

You shut the fuck up. You wake the fucking baby and I won't have a minute.

You're the one who asked me to come here to keep you company.

So, what is this, the 50s or what?

No, it's not the goddamn pictures. Will you wait for the fucking commercial?

They are quite a bunch of ragamuffins, but they can put up quite a fight.

Well, I certainly hope they can fight better than they look. Oh, my goodness!

We will return to our movie in just a moment, right after this message.

Is that as much fun?

Ralph. Come on, Jen.

It's okay. I don't mind.

Oh, let him.

Let him bust your little cherry.

Come on.

You're going to love it.

That's what they are, all right. Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Listen to this.

Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his cap, and

called it macaroni.

I went down to camp along with Captain Huston. And there we saw the men and

as thick as hasty puddin'. Yankee Doodle, keep it up. Yankee Doodle's at

me. Really now?

It's time, baby. It's time now.

Let him in you.

Oh, good.

Good girl.

Open, baby.

Open up for him.

Spread your legs out. That's it.

Your knees.

Take it easy.

Oh, that's a good girl.

Yes.

Then put another thing for him.

Opening up more.

Oh, feels good.

That's it.

Oh, another one. Put another one.

More.

Dig into me.

Yeah.

Get me open.

Oh.

What do you want me to do?

Tell me what's going on.

You're doing great baby.

Now it's time for the real thing.

Coming in wider deeper now

fucker

Hello?

The colonists vowed that a tax would never be collected on this.

Hi,

kids.

Hi, Mrs. Kane.

Hi, Mrs. Kane.

I hope you don't mind that Lisa asked me to keep her company.

Oh, sure, Ralphie. You're welcome any time.

How was he?

What?

I think we'd better be going.

You see?

Things were okay in the TV room, and I got... Want another drink?

Yes. I'm positive.

I'm really half -polluted already.

You put away quite a few already.

Well, believe me, I need it.

You just can't believe it. It's so fantastic. I've known you forever, and I

no idea.

What? You know goddamn well what. My own little alley is a swinger.

Some swinger.

It's your word. I don't know what else to call it.

I know, I know.

It's so ironic the way things have been going lately.

I swear.

There is no other word for it.

What is it that you do?

I already told you how the club works. Not the club. I mean, what do you do

together? Oh, Jessie, I don't want to go into that now.

I don't know what's happening with him.

You mean Bobby?

Yes. You won't tell Teddy about this, will you? Are you kidding? He'd break

door down in a minute.

He'd be that upset?

I'm not upset. That's not what I meant. He's been trying to persuade me to

experiment for years. Well, don't do it.

Men are all alike, and he'll be just like Bobby.

If I'm not in the mood, he'll start handing me how I'm frigid, or I'm holier

than thou, or I don't care about his needs. And if I have a good time, it's

worse. Yeah, like what?

Well, like I'm some kind of nymphomaniac or something.

You never make that much noise when you come with me.

It's always something.

Is it?

True?

Is what? You know, that it's better than group sex?

Oh, God, is it ever?

Well, lots of different people, and a new man will take

more time with you. And a new woman, too.

Yes, you can, Jessica.

Oh, yes, Jessica.

She needs you now.

She needs to feel you.

Yes.

When is Bobby coming home?

Oh. Oh.

Hey, Allie.

Card game ended early.

You home?

You know what, baby?

You know what?

This is it.

You finally pushed me too far.

We are finished.

We sure are.

You can say that again, honey.

Disgust.

Lesbians.

You know what?

What a relief.

Poor Bobby.

He really should have been a little more understanding.

I mean, what's a little cunnilingus between two old friends?

Stupidity. The court rewarded innocent little Allie with custody and half of

everything.

Of course, the house got sold along with everything in it. You see, Allie didn't

have much need for the old homestead.

And she was moving in with Jessica and Ted.

Well, here we are, Mr. Hart.

Most of the stuff's been sold already. Hart!

The name is Hart.

H -A -R -D -T.

Excuse me.

Well, anyway, like I said, most of the stuff's been sold already. I still have

the TV and a few chairs. And this.

Uh, the couch. Well, it's a used looking, but the price... No, no, no.

perfect, madam. Perfect.

It's just what I need.

Oh, you like it? Uh -huh.

Tell you the truth, this is the one thing in your rat I'm really interested

If the price is right.

Oh, well, I'm sure it will be.

What did you say you did again?

Well, I'm a film maker.

Oh, what kind of films do you make?

Hmm.

Adult features, ma 'am.

Oh, you mean the X -rated?

X and R -rated. My company does R -rated features also.

Did anybody ever tell you you look like an actress? You know that?

No, never. I never acted in my life.

Well, I've seen your talent show in high school. I knew it. You know, I can spot

a natural actress in about 30 seconds. It's my job.

I'll leave you my card in case you're interested. You know, I'm always on the

lookout for young, talented women.

I mean, young people. Well, I don't think that... Anyway, anyway, how much

the couch? I'm willing to give you $25.

Oh, $25 would be fine.

Beautiful, beautiful.

I'll have someone pick it up this afternoon.

I was starting to feel my age.

Don't get me wrong, I still could have directed a three -ring circus complete

with dwarfs, clowns, performing horses, and singing lesbians.

But, well, I was getting to that point in my life where I wasn't exactly

thrilled by the prospect of a difficult challenge.

What I wanted was a new place.

A place where it would come nice and easy.

This ain't a library, Mac.

You're supposed to be moving in the couch.

It's a chair.

What do you want?

All right, all right. You did a great job.

You're damn right I did a great job. Not a scratch on it. All right, what do I

owe you?

Ten bucks, Sodor.

The name is Part 8.

Fuck, it doesn't have a spell.

You have to take a check.

Oh, wait a minute. I don't know about checks.

My accountant's on vacation.

I'll take cash.

Hmm. He must have worked for this guy before.

Very

well.

What's this?

Oh, thanks a lot, Mr. Hardon.

We're in good health. Hey, hey!

Yes?

Billy, is he Mr.

Hart?

Send him in.

Now, this is more like it.

John, I'd like you to meet Janie and Karen. Janie and Karen. John, the noted

director. Oh, please call me John.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

Pleased to meet you. Oh, please sit down.

Make yourselves right at home.

Aren't they lovely? They certainly are, Billy. They certainly are.

So, you want to be in film, huh?

Good. Good.

Now, you've had some acting or modeling experience, right? Something like that?

No? No experience at all?

Well, a little modeling.

I was in a senior play.

Oh, I knew it. You know, I can spot a natural actress in about 30 seconds.

Really, really, it's my job, honestly.

Now, Billy has told you what's involved here, you know? What kind of films we

produce. You're making pornos, right?

Yep, that's what they are.

Well, what do you pay?

Now, let me tell you.

There are pornos. And there are pornos.

I mean, this is not just another fuck film. Oh, no.

You know, I know people in this industry who turn out garbage in one and a half

days. You know that one -to -one film ratio?

But not here. Uh -uh.

Here we go for something penetrating, artistic.

We use professionals, union people.

Depends on what you do, right?

Sure.

What? Well, what do we get paid? It depends on what you do.

Of course, you have your, you know, your starring parts, they get more, and then

you have your supporting roles, they get a little bit less, and your big

players, and they... Oh, you know, you should have told me that.

Well, you know, in that case, it's $150 a day for the leading hardcore parts,

$100 a day for the smaller parts, and $50 a day just to play nudity.

Uh, of course, you know, we pay a little bit more for any specialties you can

do.

150, that's $150?

Oh, yes, yes.

You've done a good job.

Oh, terrific,

terrific. Well, now, let's get to the next part of the interview, okay?

But, John, shouldn't we discuss the agent's role?

Later, Billy. Look, if we could be alone for a few minutes now, huh?

Sure, sure.

No, no, no, Billy.

I want to be among them, you know? Yeah. Him and me, okay? No problem. Sure,

sure. No problem. Yeah.

Goodbye, Billy.

Goodbye.

First of all, I'd like to get some shots.

Shots? Yeah.

Shots. I've got to shut my camera off first.

Because of life of its own, you know.

Shots, you know, film, pictures, cameras, you know, that.

Clothes on or off?

Off. If you don't mind.

Right here?

Oh, yeah, yeah. The couch is fine. The couch is fine. Come on, man.

Watch it, girl. This guy's a snake. He has a very nice body. You know that?

You're going to do very well.

Oh, boy. This guy's not only a lech, he's corny.

What's next?

Well, I was wondering if you two might be willing to do, you know, lesbian

scenes. Uh -huh. What else?

Yes, sure.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, look, I'll show you. You just, you know.

Pose naturally. Just touch each other like that. Very well. And don't worry.

Make believe the camera's not here.

Are you sure there's enough light? Oh, yeah, I'm positive. Very fast film. Very

fast film.

I don't like this style, Buster.

But I am horny.

Now, now, take a... Yes, that's very good.

Take a... Pull the panties down, right? Oh, yes. Now start nibbling. Nibbling in

the breath. Yes, yes.

Oh.

Oh.

You bastard, that does feel nice.

You're doing very well.

Oh, yes, that's very good, very good.

Oh, it is. Damn it, it is.

Now,

now, just move back on the couch a little bit. That's right. That's it.

them up. Help her give her hand. Oh, yes, yes.

That's very good. You have to be glad, too.

You're doing very well.

That's very good. Now, now, chuck her nipple like that really hard. Yeah. All

right. And then you play with her thighs. That's right. Get her hand right

there like that. Very good.

Oh, that's very good.

Oh, that's a very nice question.

Now, now, move over, both of you, move over. I'm going to come down there, and

you're going to work on me, and I'm going to get pictures of that. We've got

get it done.

Yeah, that's fine.

Now, let's see.

Yeah, very good.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh,

oh, it is.

Oh it is!

Hey, hey, hey, you. You take the pictures. My hand's not steady anymore.

Don't worry. It'll work by itself. It's a Nikon.

Oh, yeah, that's fine.

Now, this, this. I know what I look like. This.

I wish I didn't.

Oh, God.

to me. I don't even like you.

Oh, that feels so good. Damn it.

Miserable bastard!

Oh, yes!

Okay, let's do it again this time. And this time I'll put film in the camera.

Like I said, things could have been worse.

Remember what I was saying about humans?

How they're always running around looking for new feelings?

New ways of rubbing that same old thing?

Well, me too.

I was getting to the point where I needed lots of wrinkles before I could

get turned on.

To say nothing of getting off.

Johnny Hart's bustling little studio filled the bill. It had more wrinkles

a bowl of spaghetti.

But... After all the sticking at any place warm and tight, people get old.

get tired.

Bored with the whole damn process.

And you know what?

Me too.

Yes? Mr. Ritchie to see you.

Hey, look. Tell him I'm in conference. Tell him to call back Sunday after five.

Thank you, I will.

Mind if I barge in for a second?

Mr. Clam, take a letter.

Dear sir or madam, if the case may be... Hey, look, I'm sorry, but why don't you

leave? I got busy.

Don't worry, I'm shameless.

Yeah, I know. Look, why don't you go eat a speed sandwich or something? Oh,

Johnny, that's my favorite food.

I just couldn't eat a bite.

No habe dinero.

Get it?

Dich trug de gel.

Eyes broke, honey.

West, my heart bleeds for you. Well, we can't have that now, can we?

You stop bleeding this incident.

Give me my fucking money.

What fucking money?

You know very well what... One day's non -sexual forming on a ripe little cheese

of a porno called Country Music Sex Queen or was it Nashville Nookie?

Details of facts cry out. You owe me 50 sperm -soaked clams.

Come on, Johnny. Pop it up. Here, I'll tell you what.

Besides having a small brain, you know, you have a big pair of balls.

Well, thank you, Doctor. Now that I've passed my physical, I'll just take the

money and run. Yeah? You'll run okay.

Hey, you know what you and your motley crew of musicians cost me? That must

me a full day of shooting. I've never seen such a bunch of junkies. Well, hang

on. Hold on. Is the film finished or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The film's

finished. No thanks to you.

And what was the idea of sticking your clarinet up my lead actress's ass? You

know, I'm glad you admitted the film is finished, Johnny. It shows your basic

honesty. So I was looking through the IRT trash can today, and guess what I

Guess what I saw on the entertainment page of the Sunday News?

Yeah. Look what's playing all the best porn palaces. I know what's playing the

best porn palaces.

Let me ask you something, friend.

I owe you 50 bucks. Correct.

Correct. Give the man a cigar.

I'm beginning to like this guy.

I owe you 50 bucks, right? Okay.

Well, in that case, we'll just, uh...

deducted from what you owe me. First of all, you will cost me quite a few hours

on the set at $500 an hour.

And to be really generous, I'd say what you owe me comes to $2 ,540,

minus the $50.

Okay, fair's fair.

You give me my $50, and I'll be back in five minutes with your $2 ,000 in

change.

Innocent friend, why don't you take an egg, put it in your shoe, and feed it?

Okay, okay, I'll beat it. But believe me, when I'm finished, you'll be begging

to give me my dough. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So what are you going to do, sue me?

No, not sue you.

Serenade you. Be my tone -deaf friend.

Day and night.

Yeah.

If you do that, I'll what?

Sue me?

So I'll just stand outside and serenade you.

Carry big signs that say that John Hart is a cheap pornography.

Ride on. Go get him, Tiger. You are just sick enough to do that. Thank you.

You have to take a check.

No good, comrade. Thanks for the clothes.

Hey, listen, brainless.

Listen, you can cash it on Monday.

Can't afford it, sweet.

Having a housewarming party tonight and tomorrow.

Hey, look, I don't have the cash. Seriously.

You know, I kind of believe you.

Please, take me.

That's a piece of furniture you have here, though.

Me trying to furnish you. Hey, hey, hey.

Uh -huh.

I just paid 150 bucks for that.

That World War II or the Koreans?

All right. All right.

Take, take, just get out of here. Take your beard with you.

Yippee!

Hey, come on. Be a sport, John.

Here, leave and write the address. In big, block letters.

What do you know? He can write.

Can you read it?

Bye. Bye -bye.

First the gorilla, now him.

I could hardly wait to get to my new home.

Surprised?

Don't be.

I told you I was getting tired of fucking, fucking, and more fucking.

Don't you ever?

I figured...

These would make a nice change of pace.

And besides, Richie was so cute.

In a bizarre sort of way.

So this is what you got instead of our 50 bucks.

Man, Richie, you gotta lay off the speed for a while. Your brain's turning into

rock candy.

Yeah, we could have picked one up at the Salvation Army.

And I suppose you'd have carried up to five flights, right? You with your

hernia? What hernia?

The one you'd have after you carried up five flights, dummy.

Besides... It's your couch. I'm sold. Sold.

Did you provide this guy with a tip? No, no, that's not necessary. Just take

good care of the furniture and don't do anything that Mom would disapprove of.

Uh -oh. Maybe I won't get much of a rest.

Well, have a good time tonight, boys.

Hey, hold up, Richie. Hold it, Richie. Where are you going?

Nobody said you were leaving. I got a girl for you. Well, I have a gig out in

Jersey. And I'm sure you'll find something to do with the extra girl.

night, boy. Man, goodbye.

Party pooper.

Ouch.

Easy, creep.

I'm a lady.

Anyway, things did start out rather quietly that evening.

They certainly did seem to have different interests than John Hart.

In fact, I wasn't so sure I was...

He's going to like it. Wow, I'm twisted.

Yeah, this is a really good pot. Where did it come from?

It's Colombian gold.

There's a lot of that around.

Yeah, but very different grades.

This here's Primo.

Yeah, you remember him, folks. Louis Primo.

Do you know if I can get some?

How much?

For you, my dear, we can work it out.

Good.

That's really getting me high.

This is like a teenage make -out party.

It's starting to feel left out.

I didn't say I'd say no, did I?

I think I'm beginning to like this place.

Oh, I'm glad these hippies don't spend all their time smoking dope.

Oh, I love it.

I don't want to read. I love it.

I love it.

Now.

Do it now.

Go ahead.

Come on in.

And enter.

Uh -oh.

And what might I do for you, officer?

Take one guess.

You want some cookies? I just baked.

Oh, wise guy.

Hey, what's the matter, officer? We're just having one of our normal, uh, dope

and sex parties. Oh, yeah, well, that would have been all right.

Except we got a call from somebody about some jerk up here playing the radio

loud. Oh, him.

He just left.

Yeah, so is everybody.

Provided these ladies have got some proper identification.

And that was that.

End of party.

And next day, end of leave.

Oh, well.

It was vacation time for me anyway.

A long vacation, considering my frumpy appearance.

And here I am.

Soon as my new friends cleared out, you know who came and hauled me back.

Oh, well.

So that's the way America treats its old folks.

The guy is Walter.