All language subtitles for 04-19

In the not too distant future, sex will
be illegal.

The exact time is unimportant.

Suffice it to say, several generations
hence.

In this world of the future,
overpopulation had taken its toll.

A drastic drop in the birth rate became
necessary for the world's survival.

But all the myriad forms of birth
control that technology had given the

had proven in the final analysis
miserably ineffective.

Even surgical sterilization procedures
were deemed untrustworthy due to

incompetence among medical
professionals.

At least, this was the case in the
United States.

And so the government stepped in with
the only acceptable solution.

Mass suppression.

of the human sex drive by compulsory
administration of a chemical sex

suppressant. Heterosexual intercourse
was outlawed. And just as

intercourse became a felony, oral sex
became a misdemeanor.

Because in the eyes of the government,
it could lead to intercourse.

And so...

masturbation became the most desirable
sexual activity of all on

those monthly occasions when the
population demanded some form of sexual

release. Technology had succeeded in
suppressing the sex drive, not

it. And thus, pornography in all its
forms

became not only legal,

Not only respectable, but a multi
-million dollar industry.

Subsidized by the government, the
Library of Congress amassed the world's

largest collection of erotica. The
Department of Health, Education, and

issued civil service exams to
pornographic film producers.

And Al Goldstein, in vigorous good
health at age 83, was appointed

as a cabinet officer.

Those who remembered what intercourse
was like when it was still legal swelled

the endless waiting list for licensing
by the FEC, the Federal Exhibitionism

Commission, known to its intimates as
FEC.

Those licensed were legally permitted to
engage in sex only

as performers.

Our story involves the sex stars of the
not -too -distant future.

Men and women like the handsome young
man from Iowa named Jonathan Zee, and

girl of his wet dreams, the beautiful
and double -jointed Tappy Pull.

And how their world was changed
inexorably when television producer

Probrish skated into their lives.

In the not -too -distant future, sex
will be illegal.

But there will be roller babies.

This is their story.

69, 69.

Who's calling?

Oh, Mr. Smith, can you hold on a minute,
please?

Mr. Smith from the television station
wants to talk to you.

Are you in? In?

In? What the hell do you think I am, an
anteater?

No, I mean to Smith.

Tell him I'm out to lunch.

I'm sorry, sir.

He's eating at the moment.

Yes, sir.

He won't wait.

All right.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Of course, sir.

Yes, sir. I know what you always say.
Let's put the X back in W -S -E -X.

Yes, sir.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Prick. What do you want?

Oh, the usual.

Gotta have more imaginative acts on the
fucking suck show. Remember the

competition and blah, blah, blah.

He also said that the widow of the
female impersonator with the horse is

sue.

You remember.

The one who did the impression of
Catherine the Great.

Oh, yeah.

Jesus,

Alice!

You've got to be more careful.

I know.

I can't do anything with that camera
staring at us.

Are you sure they can't see us?

I told you, Professor Roxo fixed
everything.

See the attachment on that lens?

It's called a masker. It distorts the
image they're supposed to see at

headquarters. You know what they're
seeing right now?

You, sitting behind a desk, in front of
a voice transcriber, recording a letter.

As far as they're concerned, this is a
normal, everyday office.

I don't know how Roksov does it, but he
does it.

Watch this.

Hey, you.

At the Federal Bureau of Sex Impulse
Suppression.

Bite my schvank, motherfuckers.

Some invention, huh?

Cut it out, Sherman.

Will you stop being so skimpy? I told
you they can't see us. Besides, they see

millions of guys every day with their
flutes in their hands.

That's okay by them.

Just as long as nobody's S -C -R -E -W
-I -N -G screwing.

That's a no -no.

What a fucked up country.

The law is the law.

I don't know what's happening with me.

I used to masturbate for years and years
and years, and all I ever get is a

tingle. But since I've been working for
you, I've been coming and coming and

coming. I don't know, maybe it's these
new lollipops.

Could be.

6969, Forbisher's Television.

Who's calling?

Mr. Vito. Hold on a moment, please.

Vito who?

Just Vito.

Oh, that Vito.

I owe him a repayment on a loan.

Tell him he'll have a check at the end
of the month.

Mr. Vito, sir, you'll have a check at
the end of the month?

Yes, sir.

Yes. Goodbye.

How much do you owe him?

A million and a half.

What was the message?

Just remember what happened to Sidney's
kidneys.

You don't have that type of money.

6969.

Yes, of course. Send her up.

Miss Hope, just to see you.

That's the niece of a friend of mine.

Come on, let's get organized.

Listen, go on. Go out to your desk and
make like we're running a legitimate

office here.

Hope, are you sure about this?

Of course I am, Mr. Frobish. And Uncle
Jack said you could help me.

Well, you realize, Hope, that a sex
performer has to be licensed by FEC.

Yes, that's my problem.

I can't get a job unless I have a
license.

But I can't apply for a license unless I
know I have a job.

Please say you'll take me on.

Well, personally, I like to be on top.

Huh? Never mind.

Look, Hope, are you sure you're cut out
for this sort of work?

Boy, was that a stupid question.

What I mean is, you hardly know anything
about sex.

I mean, you're still a virgin, aren't
you? Of course I am. Do I look like a

common criminal?

Of course not. No offense intended.

Well, you might as well find out what
you're getting into.

Where are you going?

Not me.

Us. We are going to my club.

Nightclub? Yes.

Oh, good. I'm going to change into my
tux.

We're taping next week's show over
there.

Let's go. You're going to find out just
what it takes to be a sex star.

Uncle Jack never told me that you were
the home's thinker.

I've heard a lot about this place.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Fuck and Suck Show. A

carnal cornucopia coming to you from the
hungry sphincter in New York City.

Courtesy of PBS, the pornographic
broadcasting system.

I'm Orson Aran, your host for this
evening's attraction of stellar sex.

urging you to sit back, relax in the
privacy of your cubicle, and please,

free to do it with both hands so that
you can't change the channel.

Tonight, we're presenting America's
biggest sex stars, Jonathan Zee and

Poole.

And direct from the Denmark Ballet,
Caesar Shorthairs and Hedonistic.

Performing their famous party do from
the Nutsucker Suite.

And also we have tonight America's
favorite erotic comedian, Lillian

Ventriloquist, Senor Cojones and his
talking cock.

Patty Cakes and her all -girl orchestra
and many, many more.

So please stay tuned. We'll be right
back.

Everybody has a gimmick.

Well, who thought up that one?

Me. Oh.

I don't mean to tell you how to run your
business or anything, but what could

possibly be erotic about a
ventriloquist?

Now you see why I brought you here.

Look, you want to make it in this
business, kid, you gotta have a gimmick.

Did you ever hear of Linda Lovelace?

I took a porn history course in college.

Well, then you know what she did, right?

Simple. Basic.

She sucked a good cock.

But nobody had ever seen anybody suck a
cock like she did on a screen before.

It was different.

It was a gimmick.

Pretty soon, this Linda Lovemore came
along.

What happened to the original?

In the toilet.

She never came up with a better gimmick.
Look, let's call a spade a spade. You

see one cunt, you've seen them all. It's
the same with cocks. Look, some are

bigger than others.

You blow them up on a movie screen, they
all look big. It gets boring after a

while, so you've got to come up with
different things. Keep topping yourself.

When porno started surfacing in the
1970s, pretty soon you had chicks

while they sucked cock.

Had some guy with tattoos all over his
body. Got a lot of attention.

Now tell me, what could possibly be
erotic about some stupid broad who

Juergens lotion from her cunt 200 feet?

Nothing in and of itself, but that's the
whole point.

Pretty soon, it's not whether or not
something's a turn -on, but whether it's

different.

In other words, the novelty itself
becomes erotic. So you gotta have a

The scene you have just witnessed
contains redeeming social significance.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the stars
of our show, America's favorite sex

performers, Jonathan Zee and Taffy
Poole.

Like them, they're terrific.

Wait a minute.

I forgot to take my suppressants today.

And I don't have any with me.

Have one of those.

Thank you.

There's a laser operation to sterilize
the sex stars that's foolproof.

Why can't they give that to everybody?

It's a lot better than having to take
those lousy pills every day.

I know.

Well, they say it's because the laser
operation would be too expensive to give

to everybody, but I don't believe that.

I think those laws were made by the last
surviving Puritan on the face of the

earth.

Maybe.

Are you sure you gave me the right
pills?

I feel funny.

Certainly. I feel different.

Huh? I like it.

I feel mellow.

Oh? I feel all sort of mooted -like.

You know something, Shirley?

This glyph is beginning to bore me.

Why don't we go somewhere else and find
something better to do?

Got any suggestions?

Yeah, lots of suggestions.

Come on, Sherry, let's go now.

I wanted you to see this other act
that's coming on next. Senor Cajones and

talking cock.

Oh, I can't wait, Sherry.

Let's go now.

Come on, Sherry.

Oh, Shermie, where are we going?

Someplace private.

For God's sakes, will you please stop
calling me Shermie?

Shermie.

Come on!

I don't understand why you wanted to
stop over at the store first. You'll

You said I have to have a gimmick,
right?

Well... Take off your clothes.

Well, it's been done before, but who
gives a fuck?

I never tasted a cock so delicious.

Pistachio is my favorite.

Oh,

I

believe in this. Come in my mouth.

Put your cough cum in your green cough.

Are you good?

What's up?

Fucking good.

Wow, for a virgin, you've got some great
moves, kid.

Well, it helps if you've grown up
watching porn films.

It's great for learning technique.

Yes.

Many marriages and relationships have
been saved by the educational benefits

explicit pictorial pornography.

Many relationships built on trust, deep
personal commitment, open communication,

and true love still founder because of
lack of communication.

in the conjugal bed.

Kroger here.

Yes, Alice.

Who's Alice?

My secretary.

Yes.

Who?

Fuller who?

The commissioner of the FEC?

Suffering space war, sure.

Of course.

Tell him I'll be there in a half an
hour.

Look, I gotta lift off. Can you find
your way out of here?

Hey, wait a minute!

Look, I'll glom you later. I'm in a
hurry.

What about me? You lousy, no -dick
motherfucker.

You promised to make me into a star.

Keep practicing.

And so, Sherman Frobish came to the
office of the Federal Exhibitionism

Commission at my express invitation.

What he did not know is that his life of
success, glamour, and illicit sex was

about to take a turn for the worse.

What he did not know was that his life
of success, glamour, and illicit sex was

about to take a turn for the worse.

About to take a turn for the worse,
goddammit!

That must be Frobish now.

Coming!

Mr. Frobish. Yes, sir.

Mr. Frobish, I just want you to know
that we, in fact, deeply appreciate your

fine efforts in making the fuck and suck
show such a strong hit

in the past.

But now there's a new competitive sex
network that wants to steal our

audience. We're in trouble.

The affiliates of the entire network.

Very much in trouble.

K -U -N -T in Los Angeles may fall soon,
due to lack of funds.

W -H -O -R in Chicago is under attack by
Mayor Daley.

We're in trouble, son.

The public wants alternative sex
programming.

Please, sir, get to the point.

Well, in the last year, Frobish, the
ratings of the fucking sex show were to,

put it bluntly,

Slipping.

So, though it pains me deeply to have to
say it, after six more

presentations, your program will be
cancelled.

I asked you here because I thought you
might want to hear this personally,

from the top. I'm terribly sorry,
Frobish.

Thank you, sir.

Of course, there's no hurry.

But my son, Bull, is coming in as the
producer of the program, which is going

replace yours.

So you won't be needing the key to the
PBS executive washroom.

Thank you.

Well, now if there's nothing else...
Well, maybe there's an opening on the

schedule. Perhaps I could do a pilot
that you could look at.

No, no, son. I'm sorry. We need younger
men, like my son Bull.

Bull Shite.

Fine boy. He just graduated Northwestern
University.

Younger? Oh, look at it this way,
Frobish.

Could be worse.

Fifty years ago, you might have had wife
and family to worry about.

Sure. Sure.

What have I got to worry about?

Just payments on a two -room office.

One of only three of its kind in the
city.

And a Class A luxury cubicle.

How can I go back to a Class D flat now?

I'm young, but not that young.

I've got so much.

Two suits.

Real neat.

How can I get more than...

Come now, my boy. I'm sure you'll work
everything out.

And if there's anything you need, just
call my secretary.

And let's have lunch together, eh? Real
soon, eh?

Goodbye.

And so Sherman Probish turned to the one
man he knew could help him, Dr.

Irving Roxoff, the noted inventor.

They say that behind each great man is a
good woman.

Not so in Sherman Probish's case. Oh, he
had a great many good women.

But they were mostly under him, not
behind him.

No, behind him and all his
accomplishments.

stood the mad Professor Rockshaw.

Professor Rockshaw, how are you?

Oh, Jamie, Jamie, my boy. It's good to
see you.

You here to give me my latest
assignment? No.

Hey, Tony, you know those sexy dresses I
give you? They're working. Hey, Tony,

how effective they are with all those
fancy, sexy girls you got?

Would you stop for a minute? You're
making me dizzy.

No, listen to me.

That's some bad news for you. What
happened?

They have to let you go.

Oh, don't talk to me.

One of those girls, she got sick from
the stimulant. So now maybe she wants to

sue.

Don't talk to me. I don't want to talk
to her. No, no, it's nothing like that.

Look, it's just that in a little while I
might not be able to afford you, that's

all. I mean, look, for a while I was
riding high, big man on television, all

that gliff.

But now... You're on a TV show.

That's right, my TV show. In the toilet.

They call me into the office and tell
me, six more weeks, and then the fucking

suck show is cape put.

But don't worry, I'll buy you out of
your contract with me, somehow.

But we're going to have to close down
this lavatory right away.

There's nothing I can do. I don't see
how.

Not unless you can invent me another TV
show overnight.

come up with something. After all,
didn't I make for you to mask it so you

stoke your brains out and nobody sees
you?

Yeah? And didn't I make for you to stem
the pills that, uh, butterflies

completely the sex oppressors that they
make us take? Which worked better,

right, my boy?

Well? You're not kidding, they work.

Gave one to my friend's niece the other
day. She nearly raped me in front of

half the FBSIS at my club.

Hey,

wait a minute.

What about if we go into business
selling those things after my show

at least once a month and not have an
old -fashioned fight.

You want them, you should increase their
desire or make them feel worse.

Besides, on the black market, you'll
have to sell. Who would want it?

Well, how about if we market the
minister?

What's the matter with your bully, huh?

I have something for you. I didn't want
to have to tell it to you, but if you

want a new way to bring in the shekels,
I have just what you need.

Holy shit!

That lunatic worked for me.

Why? Why?

What could you possibly need a dead body
for?

Damn! Who said anything about death?

Calm down, relax.

She's my android.

Your android who?

Look at her.

She's beautiful.

She's got everything.

She's got eyes, lips, the breast, and
even the, you know, real look.

I can see, but what do I care about it?

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, you mean like, uh, like an
inflatable doll, only it moves.

Nah, go on.

It won't sell.

I mean, who wants to stick his shrugs
into a piece of machinery?

What's the matter? You never read...

such letters.

Yeah, but you got it all wrong.

I never said Roman.

I said android.

She's made from chemicals. She's got
everything a real woman's got.

Even internal organs made from inorganic
materials.

And you should watch this. I'm going to
do something you've never seen before.

Meet Sharon 69.

Pleased to meet you, Mr. Sherman, I'm
sure.

69?

Oh, there were 68 other models in the
Sharon series.

You know what they say, if at first you
don't succeed, go out and try her.

Try her? You mean... Yeah, why not?

Hey, Sharon.

Show Mr.

Sherman what you can do. What I meant.

or you got a towel?

No, you don't need one.

The lubricant has a special compound
that drives on contact with the air.

What do you think, my boy?

Not bad.

Not bad at all. Yeah, but like I said,
it's still got a few bugs in it. I gotta

make pee -pee.

He talks. Yeah, I noticed.

But it feels like the real thing.

That's the important part.

And what's more important is you don't
need birth control.

Fucking an android would be legal.

If we market these, we'll make billions.

Professor, you're a genius.

So what else is new?

Vito? Frobish.

Yes, we're expecting a shipment of
synthetic hair very soon.

Right. I'm converting my club into a
factory.

Yes, we hope... Yes, Vito, yes.

Yes, we hope to be going into production
on our first line of androids very soon

now.

Yes. Okay, sure. I'll have it checked
for you at the end of the week.

Right.

Zip. Zippity -doo -dah, zippity -doo.

With my androids, everybody can screw.

Shermie, baby, you're beautiful.

You've got your own personal genius
under exclusive contract, and he's going

make you stinking rich.

Who needs television?

So who needs pornography?

Sherman Frobish, industrial tycoon.

Jesus, that has a nice ring to it.

Miss Weissquad, the studio says she's a
performer.

Well, tell her to get lost. We're not
singing performers now. We're getting

of TV, remember?

But we still have five more shows to do.

All right, all right. Send her in.

Miss Weissquad?

How do you do, Miss Squad? I'm Sherman
Froch. You've met my secretary, Miss

Koja? Yes.

Have a seat.

Thank you, Al.

Now, what can I do for you, Ms. Squad?

I'd like to know what I have to do to
get on the fucking suck show.

Thanks.

Well, we're primarily interested in
novelty acts.

You know, something with a gimmick.

Let's see here.

Hmm. The license seems to be in order.

You're having a special classification,
I see. T -P -T -K. What is that?

That's my gimmick. I give mind.

You mean you give head, don't you? No, I
give mind.

I'm telepathic and telekinetic.

Tele -what?

Telekinetic, you know.

Mind over matter.

I give telepathic blowjobs. I can get
you up and get you off without ever

touching you.

by the sheer force of my mental energy.

And if you'd like to know how it works,
I'm in a film that's out now.

It's called Deep Thought.

Well, I don't have the time to see many
films, Miss Quad, but thank you very

much. May I give you a demonstration?

Sure.

But not here.

It's too public.

I'm shy.

How about your place tonight?

Uh...

Yeah, all right.

Twenty hundred hours, okay by you?

Fine. Fine.

Okay, now watch this.

and you didn't even touch me. Am I in?

You bet your mind, kid.

Wonderful. Let's have a drink to
celebrate.

Good idea.

Look, why don't you go relax in the
other room while I get the champagne?

To my job.

To my job.

I should know better than to dance
champagne like that. It goes straight to

head. Then I do naughty things.

Really?

Like what?

This.

Oh, wow.

Just consider it a token of my
appreciation.

Shirley's here.

Sherman? This is Alice. Don't talk, just
listen.

I just ran a check on Vice Squad, and
the fact says there's no such person

a performance license.

You better watch your eyes. I smell an
exit.

Holy shit.

And I gave her the... Listen, thanks a
lot, Alice. I'll keep in touch.

Excuse me. Maybe we really shouldn't
know how to do this. We might get in

trouble. Come on.

Don't worry about it. It's only a
misdemeanor. They'll just give us a

So, I'll pay the fine.

Now, come on. Hey, I mean it.

Now, cut it out.

Hey, come on. Stop that.

Hey, look.

I said stop it!

Hey, I'm not going to tell you again.

All right, that's it. No more Mr. Nice
Guy.

I hate to have to do this, but you leave
me no choice.

Operator, get me the FBSIS.

No, give me that phone. Why?

Is this what you want? Is this what you
want?

This is a sap, isn't it?

Yes. I mean, no.

Ha!

I mean... Oh, shit.

It wasn't supposed to work out like
this.

What wasn't supposed to work out like
what?

Come on, you evil little cunt. Spill it.
Who the fuck are you anyway?

My name's Gumshoes. Anita Gumshoes.

I'm with the CIA.

Sorry, sister. I'm not buying. You'll
have to do better than that. There

been a CIA for 20 years.

Not the Central Intelligence Agency. The
Carnal Intelligence Agency.

What? Here.

Holy shit.

We understand you've been engaged in an
illegal intercourse on a promiscuous

basis for several years. It was my job
to gain the evidence.

You mean screw me two different ways at
the same time, don't you? I guess so.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Wait, I didn't think it would be like
this. I mean, it's skitsy. I was really

starting to like you, you know?

Save it, will you?

I'm telling you the truth.

Get off it.

Maybe we could work something out.

Do it off the record.

I'm government.

I've got connections.

You must think I'm awfully stupid or
something.

All right, you motherfucker.

You had your chance. You're going to
wish your mother had never been picked

be a breeder.

I'm going to be on your ass day and
night. You won't be able to take a shit

without us knowing about it. Remember,
I'm telepathic, you son of a bitch.

You've been careful, but you'll slip up.
And when you do, I'm going to know

about it because I'm going to be reading
your mind.

And we're going to bust you so fast your
head will spin.

You hear me? I'm going to nail your ass,
Probish.

Probish here.

Yes, Professor. Good to hear from you.

Slow down, Professor. I can't understand
you.

In English.

Yes.

Sure.

What?

Professor, calm down.

Okay.

Okay, sure, right away.

What?

What? Look, look, look at her.

What? What is it?

Can't you see? She's pregnant.

How? How? How? How the fuck can she be
pregnant? I think you just answered your

own question.

Professor, she's an android, remember?

So obviously she's pregnant, though.
Look at her. What else could it be? What

does it look like?

It looks like she's either pregnant or
she's just deep -throated a watermelon.

But just answer me one question, all
right? One teensy -eensy -weensy

if you don't mind.

How? How?

Maybe in this one I duplicated human
functions just a little bit too closely.

Too closely?

Rock true.

You incompetent. You charlatan. You too
big quack.

Wait till I get my hands on you and
there'll be a couple of human functions

you'll be duplicating, you son of a
bitch. Like screaming...

She never told me she wanted to tell
you.

Oh, calm down, my boy. Calm down. I have
a heart attack. I want to have a heart

attack. It should be soon. Five to
twenty in the state pen.

Don't you realize what this means?

The android is worthless.

And we've got four weeks to the last
show.

It's bankruptcy work for me now, surely.

Oh, God, and not to mention what Vito's
going to do to me.

Professor, we've got to do something.

Fast. I need lots of money.

Fast. Please, perfect an android that
can't get pregnant through something,

anything. What if I just want... I don't
know what you built her. You can fix

her.

What if I may be so bummed to ask, are
you suggesting already?

An abortion.

No, absolutely not. I can't. No, no.

Why the fuck not?

She's got...

Is this a watergate?

What's the matter, gumshoes? Is your
mind -working technique working?

You have to resort to snooping, huh?

Well, I've had it with you this time.

You're really gonna get it. I've taken
all I'm gonna take.

I oughta pound the shit out of you.

In fact, I think that's just what I'm
gonna do. It'll teach you a lesson, you

bitch. Are you with me? You betcha. I
won't get away with this. I won't let

Shut up. I won't let you. I won't.

Oh, my God.

You liked it. Admit it. Come on.

I like you. I have, from the first
moment I met you. I tried to tell you

but you wouldn't listen. That male ego
of yours.

I like you too, Gumshoes. You're an okay
broad.

I think I'm getting nauseous.

But when I found out you were a fad, I
skitzed.

I felt like I'd been had.

And I realized when we started making it
that I didn't know what I was missing.

If what we've been doing here is
illegal, our society must be pretty damn

up.

Sure.

Oh, boy, do I feel like a shit now.

People, I've got a confession to make.

You aren't really attracted to me,
gumshoes.

No more than Alice here is every time we
make it together.

Oh, really?

Yeah. See, Professor Roxo developed this
sexual stimulant pill. It just releases

all the repressed sexual energy in our
bodies.

I slipped some of it in your champagne.

You think I didn't know that? I'm a mind
reader, remember?

Oh, wow.

Sex stimulants, eh?

Is that stuff in these lollipops?

Yeah.

Truth.

You mean you're not angry with me?

No, I love fucking.

Okay.

Wonderful.

But what about you?

The CIA still wants my ass. Oh, fuck the
CIA.

What?

I've decided I'm in the wrong business.
I don't want to be a spy anymore.

I want to be a sex star.

Oh, terrific.

So I'll introduce you to some of my
friends.

Can't you make me a star?

Honey, one month from now, I'm going to
be out of the business. Wiped out.

Finished. And if Beto doesn't have me
floating down the Hudson in a pair of

concrete water wings by then, I'll
consider myself lucky.

But I don't want to be a star for just
anybody, Sherman.

I want to work for you.

Ah, you two make me sick.

You want to work for me?

Then I've got to stay afloat.

Do you think you can use some of your
mental powers to help me stay on the

Maybe. And I am willing to do anything I
can. That is, if you're convinced I've

given up my allegiance to the CIA.

I'm convinced.

Now the first thing we've got to do is
get back on the air somehow.

I can't stall Vito much longer.

Who is it? Come in.

Did you get everything?

I think so.

Nobody saw you going into my apartment.
No.

Look. I don't understand what all this
cloak and dagger stuff is all about,

anyway. The new CIA's resources are
almost as extensive as the old.

Whenever one of their operatives just
disappears without formal resignation or

debriefing, they get nervous. They'll
come looking for me, I know. So I'll lay

low here until I can figure out what to
do.

Alice, thanks for this stuff.

Don't mention it.

Here. Who is it?

FBSIS, Maintenance Division.

I've come to inspect your beating hand.

Just a minute.

I do. Hold on a minute.

Oh, shit.

What? What are you getting?

It's a CIA undercover man. He's come for
me. Oh, my God.

Go hide the masker.

Come on. Open up in there.

Just a minute.

Hurry up, you stupid friend. I ain't got
all day.

Same thing. They'll keep me waiting
outside there while they fix themselves

Listen, lady.

You've seen what I've seen with these
things.

You know, the folks whacking off and
all. Shit, nothing embarrasses you no

You look tired, little fellow.

It's been a long day.

Can I fix you a cold drink? Hey, what do
you got? We got pure water.

Not every day you meet someone who's got
that. Hey, hey, hey, it's a rip.

Where's your camera?

The camera's in the next room in the
bedroom.

Okay.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, it tastes funny.

Nah, it's been too long since I had this
stuff. What do I know?

Bye.

Anybody home?

Yoo -hoo!

Hey, let's have a party!

Come, little boy, I've got good news for
you.

So what's with you already?

Don't mind me, Professor. I'm just a
little phased at the moment.

Yeah, I understand.

You're depressed.

Maybe you should get where you want to
hang yourself.

Professor, you have such a talent for
cheering me up.

Well, I figured out what went wrong with
the android. I figured out how to

eliminate the reproductive system from
the model without sacrificing the

chemical hormones that make us so
lifelike.

Triff? Absolutely Triff. That means
we're back in business again, doesn't

Yeah, absolutely.

Positively.

$4 ,573 ,000 and $432

,000 and 23 .4 cents a dollar.

That's an approximate figure.

Oh, well, gee, it's good.

I was a little worried, you know,
another 25 cents and we might have had a

problem on our hands. Good work.

You asshole!

That's four and a half million dollars
more than you said it would cost to

50 of them.

I don't believe this.

That means the market value on each of
these things is going to be six million

dollars. Who the fuck in their right
mind is going to spread six million

just to get laid?

Does that mean we're not in business
anymore?

What do you think, you nitwit?

Don't you like the way you're making...

What are you yelling about?

I'm the asshole here. I'm the one. I'm
the one who put his entire trust, his

professional future, his whole life in
the hands of an idiot savant on roller

skates. I should have known.

Professor, who runs around his lab on
roller skates. Professor!

Oh, God!

You know, you could have helped
everybody three months ago if you just

and killed yourself. I can't.

That's why Mr. Skate's so much more
effective. I can't possibly fall.

Wait a minute. You say you can't fall?

No, I invented the old gyro -row thing.

It's just an idle little invention.

Idle invention?

Wait a minute, you cannot fall no matter
what you do.

Yeah, that's why I've been trying to
sell to you.

Professor?

Professor!

Some bull hated it.

But I loved it.

My boy, you have set the precedent in
this industry.

We closed the door on you. But you, on
your own initiative, made your own

And at your own expense.

And you practically forced us to look at
it.

My boy, this is it. You are made.

Your film is definitely far out.

Triff. I'm at the party.

Great. Fine.

Do I get to go in it for 12 episodes?

You may start immediately.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'll get to work on the first show right
away.

And now, from the people who brought you
The Fuckin' Suck Show...

It's Roller Babies, the fastest moving
sex show on television, in which four

celebrity teams compete for big dollars,
creating imaginative sex positions on

roller skates.

Now circling our studio rink is our
regular celebrity couple, famed sex

Jonathan Zee and Taffy Pull, who will
demonstrate for our home audience how

game is played.

Each of our celebrity teams competes for
cash prizes on behalf of a home

contestant. chosen at random from
postcards addressed to our studios in

from our television viewers.

Each team will engage in an actual sex
act for our panel of judges as they

around the rink.

Points are scored by the skaters for
originality and grace in the execution

the act itself based upon the intricacy
of the position chosen.

The team scoring the highest number of
points will win our grand prize for the

day. Ten genuine filet mignon dinners.

and a pair of his and her jumpsuits of
100 % nylon, all adding up to a grand

prize package worth $50 ,000.

Jonathan and Tappy will now demonstrate
the basic roller sex position, mobile

rear entry with woman in crouch.

This is one of the easier positions
because in it, the rhythms of love

beautifully and gracefully complement
the forward movement of the skaters.

Forward momentum is gained with each
thrust of the man's pelvis.

Conversely, some of the other positions
in which the partners must face each

other are more difficult because one of
the players must move backwards.

To stay in the game, each team must
engage in continuous hardcore sex

without ejaculation, for a minimum of
three minutes. A team with a male

who climaxes before the minimum time has
elapsed is immediately disqualified

from further competition.

Now, let's find out who our four teams
are playing for today.

Team number one is competing for Mr.
Argyle Tax of Trojan Bend, Indiana.

Team number two will be playing for Mrs.

Tess Testerone of Vastiferns, New
Mexico.

Team number three is participating on
behalf of Ms. Francoise Saint -Nouf of

Split Beaver, Pennsylvania.

And team number four is competing for
Mr. E. Jackalation of Bell Hatchet,

Nebraska.

And it's 1960 -1982K, 2020, 2040 and 10
is

50.

And another, and that makes three.

So that should hold you for now, and
I'll give you the other 7 ,000 tomorrow.

Oh, buddy, I can wait until you give me
a check at the end of the week.

Yeah, but just remember, you need any
more roller gyro stabilizers, so I'm

for you by Monday.

Yeah, you know they go for $1 ,250
apiece, but for you, $1 ,249 .95.

Professor, you're a pussycat. Listen,
I've got to lift off now. I'm paving

something over at Patty Hearst Memorial
Stadium.

Hold on, hold on.

I have for you something. You should be
so lucky. What?

What's this? Just the most earth
-shattering discovery since the 39th

removed sex from our daily pleasures.

It's the first, 100 % guaranteed, most
effective, 100 % effective

contraceptive. You should be so lucky.
Contraceptive? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, capture it. As in, again,
septic. As in, get it knocked up so you

swell up and look like a fresh salami.

Are you sure this works?

Naturally. I discovered it.

Well, that's amazing.

Well, that would mean... Wouldn't that
mean that sex would be legal again? Of

course!

Beautiful!

Professor, if you've really done it this
time, if this is really what you say it

is, it will be set for the rest of our
quarry's sweet lives!

Thank you, Jonathan Zee and Tappy Poole.
Now it's time to meet today's celebrity

teams, and here they are.

Team number one features former CIA
operative Harry Stoltz, former ice

star Sonia Hiney, and ever -ready film
star Stan Ding Dong.

Team number two stars freelance
artificial insemination donor Dee

feminist rock star Connie Lindquist, and
the star of Mandingo Part 7, Tyrone

Exlax.

Team number three pairs part -time
gerbil breeder Clint Torres with

Sherry Jubilee.

And last but not least on team number
four, sex star Annette Stockings and

physicist Dr.

Bendover. Dr. Bendover is inventor of
preparation H -bomb, or atomic piles.

And now it's time to play Roller Babies.

Team number one gets the action off to
an arousing start as Sonia Honey dives.

into a moving fellatio with female in
crouch position with teammates standing

down.

And here's team four starting off slow
with a beginner's position.

The same one that Jonathan and Taffy
demonstrated earlier.

And oh, my goodness, look at that.
Sherry Jubilee and Clint Torres are

bid for the 50 -point bonus, going right
for the tricky stuff.

A male -supported backward -moving
mobile intermission.

Here's team one again, still in the same
position.

but with some interesting mouth action
there.

Team number four, continuing the basic
position.

Oh, but they're demonstrating a 180
-degree spin in which Annette Stocking

us her point spread.

Team number one, continuing with a
really professional suck job.

Team number four is really starting to
move now, folks.

I think they're trying for the ten
-point beat to getting Boney.

And now Sonya's coming out of her
crouch.

She looks like she's trying for a point
bonus for a more difficult position.

Oh, we have an ejaculation on team
three.

Sorry, Doctor. You and your limp noodle
are disqualified from further scoring.

Enjoy yourself all you like, but no
points.

Now Sonya's back in her crouch again.

There's the three -minute bell.

Oh, there goes Stan in not a moment too
soon.

Good work, Stan. Holding out against
Sonya's oral expertise sure doesn't look

easy.

Team number four is still moving
briskly.

Now in a rear entry with female bent
over.

And there goes Dr. Dover.

Let's see if Annette can jack him up
again for a quick recovery so the team

number four can continue to compete.

Now Sonya's taking on her other male
partner, Dr. Mr. Perry Stoltzis.

Only 30 seconds remaining in the first
quarter.

There goes Perry Stahls, ascending the
first heat. The judges will tally up the

scores and will return after a short
commercial message.

Sherman! Anita, hello.

I'm so glad you're here. I love this.

Forget about this. Wait till you hear
what I've got to tell you. Good news, I

hope. The best.

Professor has come up with something
completely new. It's going to make us

richer and the whole world a lot
happier.

But listen, I can't talk about it here.
I just want to watch the show now.

Just one question, Sherm, okay?

Shoot. How on God's name did you get the
money to shoot a pilot film like this?

Oh, I just made a few deals.

You really want to know?

Anita Gump Shoes, meet my new partner,
Vito Corleone. That's very good.

But, but how?

Easy. I just made him an offer that he
couldn't refuse.