Original subtitles

The October storm, part of the double -barreled low -pressure system, is the

most intense so far this wet season.

Travelers' warnings for flash flooding, high winds, and severe thunderstorms

have been issued by the Weather Bureau, and the motorists are advised to take

extreme caution, as already the road conditions have become treacherous,

especially in those areas where the highways cross or are near rivers or

major bodies of water.

I repeat, the Weather Bureau.

has issued traveler's warnings for flash flooding, high winds, and severe

thunderstorms. The motorist is advised to take extreme caution, as road

conditions have already become... Mr. Keller.

Goddamn puppets.

You're nothing but a puppet for the weather bureau.

And they pull the string that makes your mouth go up and down.

Puppets. Don't even know what the hell an acid bar is.

And don't go telling me it's some kind of a

popsicle.

Because then... I've got

goo in me.

I'm no dummy.

dummy for a while.

And I didn't want no Charlie McCarthy for a husband either.

I wanted Charlie Hammond.

And I wanted to be Mrs. Gert Hammond.

Wife of Charlie.

Charlie's woman.

Forever.

Not just till they came.

Stinking windshield wipers don't make a damn of a difference.

I shouldn't be toting around mammals on a night like this. Why the hell did that

crummy circus give me the amphibian cape?

Halt down, Samson!

You might be king of the jungle in Africa, but in this circus, you're

but a bozo.

Every time I see that traitor putting a hula hoop on you and see those kids

screaming with the cracker jacks flying out of their mouths in a cup of candy

sticking to their chins, it makes me sick.

Sick senses.

Yeah, sick.

I want to puke on them.

God knows it wouldn't make any difference but with the mustard and ice

dripping down their fat little necks.

God, you can't even tell between the freckles and the mashed popcorn.

No, Medusa.

I wasn't talking about you.

Gorillas are different from little children. They have more hair.

Don't know what he's carrying, but whatever they are, they sure are hungry.

You don't have to worry about hunger, about the stomach.

It's the other hunger.

One more ravishing than I worry about.

Why worry?

Wasn't there something I read or heard in church?

Something about birds?

Birds don't worry about eating, and yet God provides plenty of food.

But I...

I'm not satisfied with just words.

I need something more substantial.

Hi, stranger.

No need to ask if you need a lift. We all need one in this kind of weather.

The real question, the $64 ,000 question is, how high do you want to get?

What are you, a junkie? Only junk I carry is on my wrist.

Well, what do you have in those two crates? Oh, it's just something I picked

when I was hitchhiking from Tucson.

Well, you take your two crates, and you take yourself, and you get yourself

right into this car before you drown in that rain.

Yes, ma 'am, right away.

Dash, pick up that lily white bike and go help Mr. Stranger with the stick.

And just give him a hand, you hear?

Those are the orders from our general over there with jewelry medals.

Why do you listen to her?

Why did you bring what I was told, a lily -white butt out in this rain?

My butt is white from being some nun after two days of me driving.

But it used to be red when we used to live in Tucson.

If only you could have seen it then.

Gee, ma 'am, I ain't even seen the white one yet.

So quit jumping the gun.

Oh, you'll see it, all right.

It's a matter of time.

Sash! Brutus wins.

Sash, honey, you're screwed so true to the skin, so please take it off before

sitting next to me.

Now, come on in, you two, and Mr., Mr., what's your name now?

Toity, Toity McNeil.

Toity, is that, is that Brooklyn?

No, not what, why? Well, in Brooklyn, they say things like Doity and Voity and

Toity. I was educated in Brooklyn, Brooklyn Community College.

It was quite a community of fatheads.

They really believed in letting it all hang out.

Hanging out in their chute sleeves and collars of their suits and their two

-piece bathing suits.

You know, people see whales up on the beach after the storm.

They think that's something. That's only because they've never been to Brighton.

Well, I'm for letting it all hang out.

That's been my motto since I was 17. I'm sure what you have to hang out is well

worth exposing to the light of day.

What was she telling you about back there?

Oh, nothing much. Something about two -side.

Is that how she used to have a red butt? Shut up, Ruda.

She said she had a red butt when she was in Arizona. Ruda!

She didn't get it from wiring too much sun, I can tell you that.

Ruda! You want to know how she got it? Shut up! Rudy, I'm warning you.

Shut up. You want to know, stranger?

Yeah, well, I don't know.

Rudy, keep your mouth shut. He wants to know, honey.

Well, I'm not going to tell you until you let it all hang out.

Come on now. Fair is fair. I let you see her little white butt, didn't I?

Oh, baby doll.

If that I'd give you the formula to do Tom's bomb if I knew it.

Didn't you learn that stuff in Brooklyn Community College?

They taught us about atomic fission.

And fission.

And I was all hot for fission, baby.

Red hot like your friend's butt was?

You didn't tell him, did you?

God, how? Now, Sash, I can't leave him hanging in the air when he's giving me

what I want right in the palm of my hand. You'll never...

I've been noticing you scrutinizing me for a long time now. Well, wasn't you

scrutinizing my nose?

Was there a piece of snot hanging from my nose?

No. Well, I caught a cold, you know, waiting out there in the rain until you

picked me up.

I'm mighty grateful to you.

Well, with all your sweet music and your fancy -smelling pipe tobacco.

What's the matter?

You don't like Tchaikovsky? I'm not complaining, Chandler. Well, I'm sure he

would have liked you. Like I said, I'm mighty grateful. It's just that... What,

Bob?

Well, it's just that... With my gazes, my admiring glances at your rather

extravagant torso.

But will it ease?

Well, no.

It's just that that's all you're doing. It's just looking. You mean you were

expecting me to do something else?

Me, Chandler Wilson, heir to the Wilson fortune, and widower of Sarah

Lou Phillips from the House of Phillips Unlimited. You mean the House of

Phillips? That big girdle manufacturing plant down in Waco? Yes.

That's exactly what I mean.

That big girdle factory in Central Texas where everything grows big.

Especially a middle -aged gut.

I'm scared of that.

Scared of what?

Middle -aged gut.

Well, you've got nothing to fret about, Bond.

From the looks of things, your gut looks like it's made out of coiled steel.

You really think so, Chandler?

Put your shirt down!

What's wrong?

What did I do wrong, Chandler? That's the second time you've flown off the

handle tonight.

First time is when I wanted to show you that tattoo on my thigh. I told you at

the time that I had no interest whatsoever in looking at a tattoo of a

bird. But they're extinct.

You can't see them anymore.

I'm well aware of that, Bond, but I think that having one tattooed on your

thigh is an extreme portrait.

Especially considering that the species has vanished forever.

Well, my thigh isn't hairy.

Let's just skip the subject, shall we?

Hey, Candace?

Yeah? Didn't your wife pass away recently?

I seem to remember reading something about it somewhere. My wife, Sarah Lou

Phillips, daughter of Leland Phillips, creator of the House of Phillips

Unlimited, died last year.

Died a horrible death.

I'm terribly sorry.

A horror film.

For the both of you. Well, reserve your bleeding heart strictly for her.

Our marriage was going up in smoke anyway.

It's just that she turned the expression into a reaction. Wasn't there a fire?

Wasn't your wife killed in a fire? You're very observant, Bond.

Is that where you got your good -looking body?

From chasing fire engines down the street? I worked hard to get this body

looking the way it does.

Well, I bet you have.

And is the investment paying off?

If not tonight, it isn't.

Bond, I, uh... I find you very attractive.

So attractive that I want to throw you out of this car.

Well, I don't get it.

If you find me so attractive, why the hell would you want to throw me out of

car? I mean, I'm the one that ought to be getting out of this car voluntarily,

as long as it's on your mind.

I can't help what's on my mind, Bond.

It's been years since I've had any worthwhile sexual encounters.

Exactly. When your wife died? Oh, to hell with her.

When I mentioned Sarah Lou Phillips, heiress to the House of Phillips

I'm not talking about worthwhile sex.

It wasn't sex that we shared in the... on the Castro Convertible sofa her

bought us.

No.

No, that was infantile perversion.

Well, I want you to tell me about it, Cameron.

Why?

Why would a clean, good -looking kid like you want to delve into the filth of

the rich?

Because it's a dark, stormy night.

There ain't nothing but this cigarette and the light on the radio dial and the

rain and your face in that light.

You got a nice face, Candy. You got a real nice face.

Give me a puff of that cigarette, kid.

First it's a pipe.

Now it's a cigarette.

What's it going to be next, Chandler?

White Owl Cigar, maybe?

Got an uncanny way of getting under my skin.

Wouldn't it be much nicer if I got into it rather than under it?

Is something the matter, officer?

Something wrong? Oh, no.

I'm nothing like that. I'm just a housewife. That's all I am. See my

That was given to me by my husband.

He's the country rock singer, Simon Cassidy. Perhaps you've heard of him.

I've got his pictures right here, and they're all personally autographed by

Simon. Would you like one? I'm his secretary, and Simon personally

every 8 by 10 bossy for his friend.

You're a young fella.

You look like a country rock fan, are you not?

Sort of.

My, my, my, aren't you a wet noodle?

He's no wet noodle, lady.

I can testify to that. I'm just standing out here in all this rain.

Listen, I just stopped to converse with my fellow travelers about the explosion

I just saw down the road a bit. I told you, Chandler. I told you I saw

blow up. Maybe a bolt of lightning hit a tree or something like that. I didn't

see any lightning, mister. There was a... Big yellow flash and then an orange

sheet of fire shot. Maybe somebody got hurt. Listen, kid.

I vowed before embarking on this trip that once I started, I was never looking

back.

Now I'm going to Waco, Texas.

To that great giant girdle factory that stands like a mammoth mausoleum to the

memory of my dead wife.

Sarah Lou Phillips. You mean Sarah Lou Phillips of the House Phillips

Yeah, that's what he's talking about. And I don't intend to water down my

mission. The only mission I've got in life.

Just because some ball of fire lights up the night sky in this godforsaken

nowhere land.

No.

The ball of fire I've got planned is going to rival the sun itself.

You mark my words, Bond.

It's going to turn night into day.

You scare me, mister.

You're talking like some sort of beatnik. And supposing I am?

What have you got against beatniks? Well, for one thing, they're bongo

I can't stand all that stupid power. I don't know how we got on this

hypothetical subject.

Hypothetical. Well, that's what I said.

Now, we ought to go back. There might be people dying back there. There are

people up ahead who are dying, too.

Look, Chandler.

I gave you that cigarette.

And you put it in your mouth.

How about that one hour?

I saw some lots up ahead. There's probably a farmhouse up there. So I'll

check and see if they have a telephone just in case you find someone injured.

All right, lady.

We'll meet you there.

God bless you and keep you for the devil walks about.

making you bang your branches against my door.

Anybody home?

My God.

That was a human voice.

That was a woman's voice calling from behind that door.

Thank you.

The name my husband and I chose to be a saint.

You are now standing on it. What happened to your head?

Please, let me finish.

Our home, built upon a stretch of prairie between the

Chickasaw and Thunderbird Rivers, was built by hand

with love and care.

by my husband, Charlie, who now lies buried in the wine cellar

beneath our very feet.

The stones that comprise the outer walls of this stately

mansion were shipped by horse and car.

on the quarry in the state of Connecticut, were shipped by horse and

cart and by

four

white horses pulling a huge cart made from the

hardwood oaks of Kensington County.

The date of departure is listed in the county courthouse

as April 13th.

It's the death of my husband.

That hideous nightmare.

Swept out from me.

Oh, my dear, wretched woman.

How could God in his mercy leave you alone in this wilderness?

I'm going to cleanse you with the waters. There is such a confusion

How many days and nights has your womanly body been deprived?

Washcloth.

What is the witness that the world needs with a washcloth?

Well, soap for one thing.

And a soothing body oil for special occasions.

Giving away for free the charity that was instilled in me and my girlhood.

First Baptist and First Church of Christ.

The same church that my husband and I were married in. Do you know who my

husband is?

No.

Simon Cassidy.

Who's he?

Do you mean to tell me you don't know who Simon Cassidy is? Country rock

You or one of the lonely women?

Who would ask my husband to come into your room via the radio to dispel the

gloom of your empty rooms?

Don't you get jealous?

My husband and I are as true to each other as we were three years ago when we

were married in Kentucky.

The wedding was perfect.

There was nothing new in my snow -white virginity.

Something old.

Simon's mother, who came in the most god -awful satin rag.

She looked like a bag of potatoes that was oozing margarine.

Then there was something borrowed.

Simon's credit card.

And something blue.

The blue grass of Kentucky moving up and down the hills like the Pacific Ocean.

One of these days, I'm going to see the Pacific Ocean for real.

When Simon makes it to Hollywood... Does Hollywood want your husband?

Why, hell yes. Of course Hollywood wants my husband. But the parts have just not

been up to Simon's true creative capacity.

Don't stop.

Keep talking.

Well, of course you've heard of Hal B. Wallace.

The movie producer who produces all of Elvis' movies?

Yeah.

Oh, Mr. Hal B. Wallace sent my husband's agent a script.

for a small singing part in a film, Bazookas for Peace.

Oh, I'd give my peace for a bazooka any time.

After a little conference with my husband and his agent, in which I served

homemade brownies and Turkish coffee, we all decided that the part would be

detrimental to Simon's career, since it was a gruesome sequence.

Simon was to be a private in the infantry who sings a song to his troop

life in beautiful Ohio.

Well... That part's all right. Would you mind washing me a little lower, please?

Over there.

Anyhow, he wants to be singing about beautiful Ohio when suddenly a bazooka

shell hits my husband, hits Simon, who pays a private, and hits him of all

places in his private.

They were talking and shooting in slow motion, and I tell you, he made me sick

just thinking about it.

That's just the way I felt.

is painful.

Imagine my husband in his motion picture debut being violently emasculated.

What?

days of rebirth.

Every day is Easter.

Just remember to color your eggs happy colors, like yellow and baby blue.

By the way, honey, where is your telephone?

It's in the other room.

The stone has no mercy for the telephone company.

Anyway, it's dangerous to talk on the phone when there's lightning.

Why is that woman partially disrobed? Was it the impact of the crash that

It was wet.

That witch over there didn't want me to stain the upholstery.

I should have had you leave the dress on.

A wet stain is better than a smelly brown one. Now cut it out, you two.

There's no more upholstery period.

Yeah, that car ain't nothing but a smoldering wreck.

Instead of fighting, you three ought to get down on your knees and thank the God

Almighty.

I get down on my knees for only one thing, and it's the men. Thank the

I'm doing it.

She's a sassy one, ain't she?

Your zipper's open, young man.

Sorry. Fresh mouth over there wasn't satisfied with handling her stick chip.

It wasn't my fault the guy didn't crash out.

Angel puts over there was playing.

And for good reason. Shut you up. Oh, you shut me up this time, baby. But

next time you won't be so lucky.

Of course you do. You wait the day. You leave my husband out of this.

My husband was a decent man.

Who is this woman?

She's, uh, Mrs., uh, Mrs. My name is Mrs.

Gert Hammond.

Welcome to Prairie Blossom.

The name my husband and I chose for the estate you are now standing on.

Why don't you just cut the crap and get me something to drink?

Forgive my manners.

It's been so long since I've entertained.

Well, you're doing pretty good in that short kimono, miss.

It's Mrs.

Her husband is buried in the wine cell.

Oh, really?

Well, then why don't you just forget about this drink?

Afraid of the dead?

I couldn't agree with you more.

Not me.

I always sleep on my back.

Why's that?

Because in the back, everything lies down flat.

Nothing pokes up.

There's nothing flat about your back. In fact, it's damn nice and rough.

You're so accustomed to iron buttocks.

What's keeping you from straining your peepers on this bottomless bottom?

and started screaming.

And then they threw their drinks on her to douse out the flame.

And they forgot it was alcohol they were drinking.

Oh, dear God.

The horror of the moment was so great.

To all extents and purposes, we were just staring at this flaming, screaming

scarecrow running across the green lawn in a panic.

And we all started laughing.

I laughed so hard that tears were running down my cheeks.

We all roared hysterically until there was this hideous hiss.

And that white column of steam that boiled skyward from the swimming pool as

fell in.

Dead silence.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know that your wife was Sarah Lou Phillips, daughter of Leland

Phillips, creator of House of Phillips Unrated, in Waco, Texas.

Well, I didn't realize that I'd married into such notoriety.

To us, the women of North America, your wife was a martyred saint. She was a

stupid idiot.

A sick nitwit.

You wanted to hear about our love life, didn't you, Bond?

Well, I'm going to tell you all the filthy details. I'm going to tell you

here and right now.

Shut up, Chandler. This isn't the time or the place. No.

No, it wouldn't be for you.

You'd rather I told you at midnight behind the trash cans at a Greyhound bus

depot.

You cheap rat.

I'm sorry, Chandler, but you tried to cheapen me in front of all these people

suggesting that I sell my body to you for money.

And that's an outright lie.

When I give my body, it's like a gift from God without any monetary reward.

Monetary. That's what I said.

Like a gift from God without any kind of monetary reward.

Amen.

Well, tell me, oh, divine one, can I light a candle at your altar sometime?

I'm afraid that you'll bestow your blessings on me tonight.

Who are you kidding?

Everyone is welcome at Prairie Blossom.

Come, take off your wet clothes and get into something dry and warm.

You are welcome to don the apparel hanging before you.

you'll find the clothes that adorned me in my youth.

To your left, there hang the garments of my deceased husband.

They hang there in the exact condition in which he left them.

For your convenience and privacy while changing, may I

suggest that you use the far bedroom

Down that hallway.

And now that you have your instructions, may I wish you all a hearty

welcome for the duration of your stay.

Look, lady, you're very nice and all that.

Oh, I don't want to stick around here.

I don't think we have much choice to notice that level of the river when we

crossed it. How could we remember what the accident was?

Believe me, we were lucky to make it with the water so high. Yeah.

That's right.

Well, it was all foggy, but when I looked out the car window and seen that

swirling water, I sobered up really quick.

That bridge is gone by now. And likewise, the bridge that crosses the

Uh -huh. No, my friends.

You must not, you cannot go into that purgatory out those front doors.

Please, avail yourself of my hospitality until the good Lord sees fit to turn

off his faucet.

I will leave you for a while to prepare some goodies from the kitchen.

Remember, please, to use that far bedroom down the hallway.

And please be patient with one another.

The night is always long on the prairie.

Thank you, Mrs. Hammond. On behalf of us all, May I wish you God's blessings in

your charitable work.

She is a wonderful woman, a vigorous pioneer star.

She's got some pair of boobs, I'll say that much.

I think you fit just about enough.

Her butt's seen a lot of plowing.

Never mind about her.

You and I have got some unfinished business to take care of later.

Don't hold your breath.

I'd hate to see that nice face turn blue.

You're going to get it. One of these days you're going to get it so big.

It's going to turn you black and blue for a week.

I give it, Mac.

I don't take it.

this room had you in mind.

I hear that noise in there, Rue.

Don't be shaving your legs.

I'm not shaving my legs.

I'm freezing out here in these wet clothes.

I heard this was in melon season, and now I believe it.

Melons have seeds, and I don't.

Not even after that encounter with Johnny Appleseed over there?

Gyrate, buster.

What you getting over?

Who would have thought that old bugger was in a graphic art?

Get a load of this stuff. It's really graphic.

Get in there, baby.

functioning in your bedroom. That isn't my bedroom.

Well, whose is it then?

Your husband's?

It was our son's bedroom.

Was? You mean he's gone? Moved away?

No.

Well, where is he then?

My son.

Our son.

No longer exists.

Oh, Mrs.

I didn't realize that tragedy had struck you twice.

Is he dead then?

No.

He does not exist.

Well, I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean, but I certainly wouldn't be

callous enough to dwell on the subject.

Do you have something to eat?

By all means.

Help yourself.

This looks refreshing.

Cucumber? Are you in the habit of peeling your cucumbers in advance?

Yes, it ages the flavor.

It certainly does.

Boy, does this taste odd.

Eat up.

You'll soon acquire a taste for it.

I'd like for you to.

It would make for a much closer friendship between us. I'm afraid I

it. Would you like to share it?

No, I've already had it, thank you.

Do you mind if I throw it away?

Not at all, my dear.

Most things of that nature are disposable.

Just throw it in the bag under the sink.

Why, Mrs. Hammond, you've got a whole closet in here.

Call me, dear Willie.

I feel that you've gotten to know me more intimately.

Yes.

Those cucumbers did not age properly enough to suit my hungry lips, so I

had to get rid of them.

Oh, the smell is really terrible.

I'll take out the trash if you pick up that thing in the hallway.

What thing in the hallway?

Well, it looks like a banana slug, but don't let that fool you.

Banana slug, wiggle, and the only thing wiggling at the end of that thing was

toys.

He's quite a man, isn't he?

Well, part of him is a man. The other part I'm not too sure about.

The coin of sexuality always has two faces.

That's what my son always used to say.

Were those your son's toys in the bedroom?

My son was rather grown up for a boy of 16.

That's when he started to order those... divertisements through the mail.

They always came in a plain brown wrapper.

And every morning, I'd bring them in along with his breakfast tray.

He was strictly forbidden to open them until he had eaten all of his

breakfast.

There was usually prune juice. Why prune juice?

Gerald always wanted his system cleaned out regularly.

Well, I can see why after that thing in the hallway.

Who'd want to keep washing their toys all the time?

And after the prune juice, there'd be two eggs sunny side up and four

sausage links.

And after the sausage, there'd be three pieces of buttered toast along

with a steaming hot... cup of coffee. I bet he took plenty of cream in his

coffee. My son loved cream.

He lived it up like a cat. But a cat has nine lives and your son unfortunately

had only one. So now he joins your husband in death.

My husband is dead.

My son is no more.

He no longer exists.

Shall we prepare a little dinner for our guests?

What's up? Damn it, I need a drink.

Why did you tell us?

Please, help yourself to whatever this is being eaten off of. Go ahead, Ruth.

Go get us some wine.

I ain't going down there to have dead man wine. I'll go get the wine.

If Mom comes with me.

I don't like cellars, Chandler. They smell funny.

Do they smell fishy? Is that what it is?

Well, help you with Chandler.

It's not going to smell fishy.

It's strong and musty.

Mrs. Hammond, is there a light down in the basement?

No, but there's a large flashlight over by the window.

Oh, that's really good.

In case you can't get it up, Chandler, you've got something to get up on.

You make me sick!

You make me sick! That's what you make me sick! I'm not going to make on you,

Chandler. You may choke and gag a little, but you're not going to feel

do you think you're talking to? One of those life -size dolls in the bedroom?

No.

Their mouths operate on air power.

His operates on lust.

That's what you're going to expect from my mouth, pointy. Say that spit for

Bond. Flashlight.

Looks the way the bulge in his pants are going to need it.

What?

like a tornado had decided to join our little party.

Sorry about the lamp.

I've got a lot of... I'll give you six bucks for it. Will that be enough?

I don't want your money.

You people have lit up my life more brightly than that lamp could ever have

done.

And if you'll just wait...

Come, Walene.

The pots and pans are waiting.

I hope she wasn't...

Here.

Keep it.

Like you've got your hands full.

Pull the wrong stuff.

What do you mean?

I'd rather have the right... around you.

What brought that on?

The way you handled yourself in that room back there.

How do you know what I was doing in the bedroom?

I don't mean my bedroom.

I mean the way you acted in the living room.

Oh, that.

Well, he had it coming.

I don't mean just the rough stuff.

I mean the thoughtfulness.

that you exhibited to Mrs. Hammond.

What, you mean the $6?

Well, I was willing to give it to her, but she just wouldn't take it.

You won't find that problem with me.

Huh.

What do you want?

$6?

$6 of interest.

And what's the interest?

Put it bluntly.

My interest in your body.

Not my thoughtfulness and tenderness.

Just my body.

I'm playing by the rules of your own game, Timber.

I want you to get excited about me the same way that you would towards your

friend, Bob.

He's not my friend.

I picked him up when it was dark and he was alone.

Like we are here.

We're not alone here.

You're forgetting about Mrs. Hammond's husband.

He doesn't count.

He's lifeless and limp.

Well, I'm afraid there's something else that you'll find in the same condition.

So, don't be getting your hopes up too high.

I don't want to get my hopes up high.

There's something else I'm trying to raise.

Well, knowing the way that I am, good luck.

Luck is supposed to be a lady.

But that cuts me outside just a bit.

Just a very little bit, I'm afraid.

Ah, I forgot to ask whether she was serving meat or fish.

This would be great with meat.

I'll save it for down here because I want meat.

What are you wearing?

Are those bonds, Clover?

Yes, they are.

What's that thing pressed?

Something I picked up in the bedroom.

Look at me, Chandler.

Just for tonight.

The dim lighting.

I'm bomb.

And this cellar is the bus depot.

You can have me for six bucks.

You're right.

About what?

Lucky as a baby.

Not tonight, Susan.

Where do you want me, Mac?

Just get down on the table and pull your trousers up.

That's my husband's new song on the radio.

He's cut that record.

So it's his for him.

I'm more interested in somebody who can cut the mustard.

You looking for a frankfurter to go along with that mustard?

Well, sure I am.

But I've come equipped with my own. It depends on how you want to cope with it.

My frankfurters don't care whether the buns are large or small.

It ain't fussy.

Hey,

what's your name?

It's Willeen. Mrs. Willeen Cassidy.

And that's my husband Simon's record on the radio.

You got any idea what's inside this locked door?

I know what's going to be in it. I just know.

How many hours have you been waiting at this peak?

Eight.

What bus am I taking?

10 -25 to Houston.

Is it the Silver Eagle in service?

Yeah, you didn't get a host of something for me.

Oh, with a big lavatory and a mirror? A real big mirror.

You know what time it is now?

No.

No. It's 1025, and it's coming in fast.

No. Here it comes.

It's ahead of schedule, but it's coming in fast.

Here it comes.

body for a woman so mature?

Why, yes, young man.

My husband, Charlie, used to compliment me on my torso.

He said it reminded him of a classical Greek sculpture.

You need to remind me of something Greek.

But it ain't sculpture.

Sculpture's too cold.

You remind me more of a nice, juicy piece of... Shish kebab meat.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Would you like me to turn you into a piece of shish kebab meat?

And how are you going to do that?

Real simple.

There's the oven. And here's the meat.

Now we need that long, hard rod to run you through. What about the

vegetables?

Your head.

Your head's a cabbage.

What about the potatoes?

Don't forget the potatoes.

Here they are.

Two lumpy ten -pound bags.

They're very cruel.

And I should pull away.

But I can't. Why not?

Because I would fall into the oven.

Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.

That would leave you alone in this gingerbread house to eat all the cookies

peppermint sticks.

And what's wrong with that?

You would get sick.

And no one would be around to give you an enema.

You like giving enemas?

My son Jeff would like them.

I bet it was a nice fire engine red enema bag.

I didn't use an enema bag.

My son Gerald always requested that I hook up a heavy garden hose to the

faucet. He was used to bigger things, wasn't he?

My son was big for his age.

He was to be doomed with bigness.

Are you ready for the ride, Miss Shishkaba?

Oh, yes.

Hurry, please.

It's getting so hot, but it's happening.

Hand me that tin of grease on the stove over there.

What is it?

Bacon fat.

I bet when you fart it's going to sound like a pig.

Oink, oink.

Have you no respect for me?

No.

That you and your generation are seeking.

I don't know about my generation, but I would like to know what you have behind

that locked door.

Too much talk in this kitchen.

And not enough action.

Start cooking me now, honey.

Before I go rotten.

Sorry.

No deal, baby.

Not until you give me those keys.

You are a slimy, slippery, wet pile.

Don't you be calling me slimy and slippery with all that bacon fat oozing

your thighs.

You have betrayed my sacredness as a woman.

But we...

creation, classicism of my body. Your body was none but ugly fat to begin

No extra never hurt none.

Thy eyes offend thee.

Pluck them out.

If thy hand offends thee, cut it off.

Say, God, give me strength, which is...

sweetheart.

Just a little longer and we'll have mustard and ketchup and mayonnaise and

Well, you may like it in, but I want out when it comes to this kind of hanky

-panky.

You're making crap.

You're making crazy.

That tear on your cheek.

It tickles me, but I don't want to laugh because

it's not a laughing matter.

What is it? A whole charade in this house of illusion.

You wanted to play this game, Sash. It wasn't my idea.

I know.

To me, it's like going into some fun houses to look at ourselves through.

Those distorted mirrors and everything is so ugly and grotesque.

But no one really minds because it's a fun house and you're supposed to have

fun. Everything is distorted in here.

But I don't care.

Just so long as I can clearly see the road to my mission.

And what road is that, Chandler?

Highway 135.

To Waco, Texas.

The road to that giant girdle factory with the neon lettering branding of

sky.

Branding of fiery red letters that spell House of Phillips Unlimited.

Well, why would you want to go back to that place after the terrible tragedy

that happened to your wife, Sarah Lou Phillips?

Because I want to forget Sarah Lou Phillips.

father, Leland Phillips, creator of the House of Phillips Unlimited.

But how can I when they're still manufacturing those girls by the tens of

thousands? But hasn't the government put a stop to the production of those

flammable things?

Well, there's a movement in the courts now to halt production until the company

chemists take out the volatile elements.

But until that time, those giant wooden looms are still churning out those

stretchable death traps.

Has Leland Phillips no heart?

What of all the women who don't realize that they're purchasing a potentially

deadly weapon?

Leland Phillips is said to have a heart of gold, and it's true.

But they fail to mention that he's also got lungs of silver, a stomach of

copper, and kidneys made out of tungsten.

There's not an authentic human organ in his entire decrepit body.

The man is a maniac.

living off the energy of the U .S. trade created by corporate capitalism.

Chandler, he sounds like a menace to the sisterhood of women.

It's more than that.

He's a fiend that robbed me of my manhood.

Why do you think I deviate towards men?

Some experts say that it's an imbalance in hormones. No.

It's because practically every woman I undress is wearing a House of Phillips

girdle. Oh, God, no.

Yes.

They just stand there by the edge of the bed, waiting for me to pull the rest of

their clothes off.

And then they ask me, what the hell am I staring at?

As if I've never seen a girdle before.

Oh, Tim.

Do you know how it feels to relive the most hideous moment of your life again

and again?

And then those half -naked women wonder,

Why my face turns white.

And why my eyes pop out of my head instead of something else popping out of

shorts.

But it doesn't pop out.

Not anymore.

Can you blame me for turning my back on women and giving what I have up front?

No, darling, no, but... I couldn't free you of this crippling disorder.

The destruction of the House of Phillips Unlimited.

All it would take is a Coca -Cola bottle filled with

gasoline.

That's Dr. Pepper country down there.

Well, then, a Dr.

Pepper bottle filled with gasoline.

And a fuse.

Made from the fragment of a competitor's product.

You mean... a chunk of another girdle?

Of a different brand name? That's right.

It would make it all the more ritualistic and prophetic.

Tim, let me go down Highway 135 with you.

To Waco, Texas?

To the house of Phillips Unlimited.

This red neon sign branding the Texas sky.

The mark of death.

Do you want to help me shatter that sign until it reads the house of Phillips

Limited?

And then just the house until finally there's no sign at all? Just a mass of

flaming debris?

No mission in life.

My mission.

I'm...

In the joke, Delman.

It's like a man.

It's like a man.

Who told you to sleep around behind the shelves? You were just supposed to get

the right vintage wine and bring it out for supper. We're going to sleep for

supper if you don't stop tearing and start blocking those windows.

What are you talking about? What's going on?

I thought I was helping out there. I just saw a line. Good Lord!

Beulah and Pinky are in there!

Who's Beulah and Pinky? They're my...

Come on, come on. What the hell is all this? All this talk about elephants and

lions and hens. You better add a gorilla to that list, too.

Well, Chandler, we don't know anything about it either.

But there's a herd of dangerous animals out there, Ray. And they ain't shopping

for a bro. Well, here's your information. There's a corpse down there

wine cellar floating in the jungle lake.

Cut it out, Chandler. I'm as nervous a wreck as it is.

He's not kidding, Rue. I was the first to see it.

What's your game, you stinkin' nut?

It's called...

Pickling? What?

I pickle things to preserve them, like onions, cauliflower, peppers.

And men?

That's not just any man.

That's my husband.

You're crazier than I thought you were.

Why? Because I refuse to cover the tangible remains of my husband with a

of soil.

Yeah, but he was all eaten away as if something had been gnawing away at his

phone. Didn't your mother ever teach you a proper way to pickle something?

I pickled him right.

That was the way he looked when he died.

He didn't leave much flesh on him, did he?

Who's there?

Who are you talking about?

I'm talking about that buzzing clown that came down from the rocket.

Friday the 13th.

In a waiting day.

I was in the kitchen fixing some lunch for Charlie.

Who was working in the grain bin all morning.

It was a cheerful morning.

Only there were no birds singing.

The birds had all flown away the night before.

Seemed like there was just me and Charlie and that

hot noonday sun there on the farm.

And then it was just me and Charlie.

As the sun disappeared in a buzzing, screaming shadow,

I looked out the window.

And I saw Charlie running from the train door.

All white and covered with wheat pollen.

And I said to myself, I think I'm going to die.

I'm going to die.

Like a black tail of winged devil.

Locus.

Covered my husband with a shrouded, hungry mouth.

Each one sharpened away like there was no tomorrow.

They also covered the fields and salons until the whole earth looked like

a pot of boiling caviar. Oh, my God.

caused by the beating of their wings in Stanley Kitchen, Windy South.

And that's what probably saved my life.

I lay unconscious on that floor for a day and a night.

When I awoke, the morning sun was beginning to

leak the bones of my husband.

But locusts aren't supposed to eat people.

You're forgetting something.

She said her husband was all covered with wheat powder.

Wasn't there anyone around that could have helped?

My son was in Borneo at the time.

I remember praying to God on that night after I awoke.

How grateful I was that my son had been spared the death that descended on his

father.

Little was I to know.

God will have no mercy on my son either.

Only a hideous, swelling vengeance.

Hey, there's a man out there.

A man?

You better hurry up, Tony, and open that door before the lion gets bored with

his chicken dinner.

I don't think the tenants of a zoo, man.

Those specimens out there are under contract to Phineas Harley. You mean the

circus entertainment? The one and only.

Well, what are they doing running around outside?

Are they advertising?

No, I lost control of my truck.

She went over the embankment about 50 yards from the bridge and rolled over

the mud. You mean the bridge is out? No, my truck. The bridge is still there.

From water? High and dry.

Then maybe we can get out of here and hit Highway 135. No way, Sister, not

all those four -legged buggers running around. It's not the quadrupeds that are

dangerous, it's that... that gargantuan biped. What the hell's a biped? You're a

biped, dummy.

Now look, Chandler, I don't mind you calling me a dummy, but don't be calling

dirty Italian names.

A biped is a creature with two legs.

You mean the gorilla I saw? Uh -huh. He's the dangerous one? Yeah, and he's

hauling... Pulled all the teeth out of the lion's mouth, and he pulled the

out. The circus is a fake, a waste of money.

You mean the lion's harmless?

The commerce is a toothless old lady.

Well, I don't know if I agree with that saying, young man.

Mrs. Conner had no teeth, yet she blasted her husband with six rounds of

buckshot last spring. I thought you were going to take a walk and find something

to pickle.

I almost had me a real nice pickle.

So you hadn't jumped away.

Let's cut the bickering, huh?

Now, we have a very dangerous situation here.

Only if I understand you right, mister.

Call me Bing. All right, Bing.

But if I understand you right, then the situation really is not that grave. Do

you have to use that word grave? My God, all I've been hearing in this house is

talk of death.

What about that elephant out there?

Minnie's so old, she's practically blind.

Minnie's got to use her trunk like a... Silver cane.

So then it's just the gorilla that's dangerous.

Don't minimize the danger, Mac.

Medusa didn't get that name for nothing.

One look at those blazing red eyes and surrounded by that black, matted

hair can freeze a man to a block of stone on the spot.

She made me hard one night.

Well, what's she after?

Bananas. Come again?

She's crazy about bananas.

Well, aren't we all?

Is that all she wants?

Bananas? No. No, she's... She wants... She

needs... Sex.

You think that Phineas whatever his name is would get her a mate?

She doesn't like other gorillas. They're too hairy.

Medusa likes the naked, virile flesh of young men.

And how, pray tell, did she get a taste for that? That's unimportant now. Wait a

second. Wait just one minute. You said she got you hired one night.

What the hell do you mean by that? Look, I don't like being grilled by the cops

or anyone else.

Speaking of grilled, I better check on those pork chops.

Excuse me, please.

Look, mister, we're no angels and we have weird tastes, too. What's so weird

about pork chops?

I wasn't talking about pork chops. I was talking about you and that big, black,

red -eyed female out there.

Boy, is that... Female is a gorilla. Shut up, Sash, and let him finish. She's

got something there. Well, you ought to know what you mean that you had in your

hand a couple of hours ago.

Now, just a minute, Miss Wine Cellar Virgin.

Don't you go talking back to me or I'm going to spill the beans.

We're not having beans tonight.

We're having corn on the cob.

You know where you can shove that corn on a cob, Mrs. Hammer? Shove everybody

and let me finish.

I have a score to settle with this little cellar tramp.

You're talking about the woman I love.

You, Chandler?

And that woman?

Surprised, Muscle?

You didn't think I had it in me, huh?

I sort of knew you didn't have it in you for a long time.

Maybe that's why you were messing with her. Because you didn't put it in me

there in the car.

Well, I was sort of edgy.

But I'm not edgy anymore.

Thanks to Sash.

No, of course not.

She manages to take the sharp edge off everything, don't you, Sash?

You can't threaten me anymore, Rue.

I don't care what you say.

For the first time in my life, I'm in love with a man.

You sure about his credentials?

I'm in love with a man.

Well, it sure beats a cactus, don't it, Sash?

What are you two talking about?

You wanted to know why she had a red butt when we lived in Tucson, didn't

Toity? Go ahead, Rue.

I'm not afraid.

Yeah, go ahead.

I'd like to know how she got a red butt.

It's because it was lonely there in Tucson, and she was as horny as a desert

wizard.

There was nothing for miles around but cactus.

A forest of juicy, stumpy cactus that rose nine

inches high into the desert.

Why, it was so boring that Sasha over here would pull up the cactus with ice

palms. Sit for hours, plucking out the needles.

So sweet.

Only you couldn't get them all out, could you, Sash?

Yes, I could.

Got them all out. The doctor said that the rash in my buttocks was caused by a

type of chlorophyll poison.

And she got that rash by gyrating for hours on the stumpy shaft of a Tucson

cactus?

How come there was no red rash further down? Like on the private part?

Because her private parts were reserved for that stuffed Gila monster her father

kept on the middle.

Are you disappointed in me, Chandler?

How could I be disappointed in the woman I love?

Well, all right.

Now that you've got that off your chest and...

Out of your buttocks?

What next?

What the heck is going on here?

Is this some sort of communal therapy group? Is that what this is?

Well, I'd have to be speaking only for myself.

I said that it was.

Well, whose turn is it now?

Who's going to pull that skeleton out of the closet and pull him out of the

mothball? I was kind of hoping it would be Gert. She doesn't know she hasn't

unlocked that door over there.

Her soul, Randy.

They're in her soul.

And don't go missing mothballs and skeletons or any other type of bug when

comes in. Well, I spared myself.

Oh, you did? When?

Back there under the staircase.

Fawn and I engulfed in a little soul -searching, didn't we, honey? Didn't

you long to find what you were looking for. That's because your zipper didn't

get stuck.

Let's skip the details, shall we?

Sure. There's no sense in getting them to lick in their chops before the real

chops are out of the oven.

Where's Raleigh?

I don't know, but last time I seen her, she was sitting on the floor, swooting

over the voice of her mouth. Check that crazy bedroom down the hall.

While the cat's away, the mice do play, even if the cat howls over the radio

once in a while.

Well, I guess it's your turn, Bing.

My turn to what?

Bury your soul.

Oh, phooey.

Couldn't he bury something a little more external?

I'll drink to that.

Get yourself a glass? Get me one, too.

Get your own. This house is full of liquor glasses.

Um, what did she call this place?

I heard her say something like, like Prairie Blossom. Lush Gardens. Be more

and my soul.

Just consider it a form of psychological energy.

Shh, don't say that word. Old girl, come running in with a rubber garden hose.

How's the room?

Well, if you like things like that, honey, maybe I can get Minnie the

to grow up around in your peanut bag.

My bag's been getting some nuts, honey, but they ain't been peanut -sized.

Where were they, from the kid?

Jealous?

Just hungry.

Well... We'll be having pork chops soon, and corn on the cob.

But first, let's sink our teeth into your background thing.

Come on.

Why don't you tell us about Minnie, and Medusa, and, uh... Samson. Yeah.

A lion named Samson.

He had the strength of ten men until, like, the biblical hero, they clipped

toenails and his teeth.

He said they took out his teeth.

A terrible thing to do.

Sometimes men wish mine were gone. But that's another story.

A dirty one.

Minnie is clean.

And so is Samson.

What about Medusa?

your husband about all this hocus -pocus?

My husband is a religious man and he's doing all he can to rid my body of this

curse. How?

By not copulating with me until Sister Geneva flushes out the violence with

their elephant syringe.

Holy cow!

You mean you let some nun stick an elephant syringe in your organ while

husband beats his meat and waits?

Ma! Cousin does not see his meat. He fluctuates his furnace.

Sister Geneva told us before we were married that we'd have to wait until

she could perform this ritual.

Oh, she did, did she?

Well, we could use that old diet in her syringe just in case Minnie gets

constipated tonight.

Who's Minnie?

Did you hear that elephant trumpeting out in the storm?

There's wild animals out there, Malene.

Aren't there enough of them here in this house?

Is that what you consider me, an animal?

I consider you all debased by the urines of the flesh.

See that vile object over there?

You mean that dildo with the fork in it?

I picked up that object because it was lying in the hall as a stimulus to devil

tree. Am I a devil?

You're an animal.

And you're still a virgin after how long?

Three years.

Sister Geneva's trying to hurry it up, but it takes a long time.

Three years.

Bride to an elephant syringe.

Sister Geneva was a bride of Jesus.

Jesus didn't have no bride.

Just widows in black with a green elephant syringe.

It was pink.

Well, you're right about one thing.

Can't you tell by my horn?

What are you going to do with it?

I'm going to prove to you that your womanhood will not be fruitless.

That the tree of your body will not be barren next spring.

Um, sister, mercy forgive me, but I know not what I do.

That tree of your body may be losing its cherry, but it's gaining.

Two plums and a banana.

And so, needing a job and having great fondness for animals led me into

accepting a position in Phineas Harlan's circus.

Did you enjoy the circus?

I enjoyed working with the animals. It was the people I hated.

You mean your co -workers?

Them in the audience. You see, the animals' fatness was a result of

rather than gluttony.

Yeah, sure, but what about you and that gorilla?

I was coming to that.

You see, my co -workers were very fond of practical jokes.

So one night on my 31st birthday, they got me drunk during the celebration.

Thinking drunk.

That's a shame.

Shame you weren't there.

You like animals so much, you'd really get off on that booze, huh? Do you want

me to continue, or do you just feel like making wisecracks all night?

I'm sorry, go on.

Like I was saying, I was real drunk.

And since we've been on the road for...

Two weeks I was horny as hell.

My friend said that they had lined up a hookah for me and that she was behind

the calliope in a tent.

I staggered across the muddy fairgrounds, tossing my clothes off as I

the two tents since I was seeing double by that time.

One of my friends got on the calliope and there was all this music as I tore

open the tent flap and jumped upon the thing in the sleeping bag.

I knew she was black and that her skin was... Kind of tough, and she smelled

funny, but I didn't care. There's two weeks on the road.

Two weeks of driving past billboards with their bikini -clad models holding

suntan lotions.

There was something jangling on her wrists and feet, but I could hardly

hear because of the loud calliope.

Anyhow, I thought a little bracelet like you're wearing.

Say what?

The morning light revealed their true nature.

They were chains that held down the gorilla.

Someone had shaven her from head to foot.

Dear Lord.

We lay there in the dim light, her black stubby fingers around

my pecker.

she turned that massive pointed head toward me and stared at those giant

teeth and a smile of affection.

I screamed.

I screamed so loud that every creature in the circuit went wild in their

cages.

Maintenance men found me lying by the calliope.

Calliope. Dying to...

Saying, I love you truly.

Medusa was lying there in the sleeping bag, massaging her breath.

They said it took four men from the loony

bin to carry me away.

You were put under observation?

For a whole week.

Then I was set free and I went back to work.

Only this time Medusa was observing me.

Every second.

And she'd make little lewd gestures with her toes, made my flesh crawl. So, so,

uh, why is she so dangerous if she loves you that much?

Her love was forcibly repressed by the bars of her cage.

When she realized she wasn't getting anywhere with me, she...

Tried making love to Senor Tostada, her trainer.

He beat her with his whip and she became enraged.

Senor Tostada was literally torn limb from limb.

His arms and legs had been caught 15 feet into the...

and landed into the concession stand, falling into a bit of popcorn,

and they found his head caught on that popcorn, embedded in the cock's hand

machine.

Aren't animals as dangerous as that destroying?

Phineas Harlan couldn't destroy Medusa.

His wife loved that age.

When he had brought the baby Medusa from the jungle, it was sick and near death.

Mrs. Harlan nursed it with the milk in her own breast.

On that hideous morning when it was not shaven and chained and attended, it was

Mrs. Harlan who donated her mink coat to Medusa so she wouldn't catch pneumonia.

A mother's love is the strongest thing in the world. It's like those chains

held down the gorilla.

So what happened? The gorilla was kept down in the circus?

Having tasted the flesh and then the blood of men, Medusa became a murderous

psychopath, obeying only Mrs. Harland.

She later put on Senor Tostada's boots and whip and a leopard bikini, and then

Mrs. Harland took control of it. Well, then we women here tonight are safe if

that gorilla only goes ape over men.

No, you're not. You see, the relationship soured rather quickly when

Harland got into the ring.

What was that?

The bikini.

Mrs. Harlan was going on 59 years of age.

Her flesh was bloated and sagging considerably.

When

she

ran out into the arena, the audience screamed their disapproval at her.

She was always visibly shaken by the reception, and she began to...

Take out her feelings on Medusa.

By the whip?

Yes. Like a female Captain Blythe.

One night, under the big top in Dayton, Ohio, Medusa grabbed hold of the whip

and pulled Mrs. Harlan within reach.

She stripped off the old lady's bikini in front of the horrified crowd.

I don't know what they were more horrified at, the enraged gorilla or

Harlan's completely naked body.

In any case, the gorilla tied one end of the whip around her neck and then

grabbing onto the other end, Medusa whirled her around up high in the air.

That whip and that blasted, bloated body went sailing over the cage

and hit the tent and bounced back and dropped into the arena where the dancing

hippo were in ring number two.

Were the hippos dancing at the time?

Yes, the Mexican hat dance.

Young man, I took a heck of a long time preparing this meal. Now don't go

ruining it.

I'm just about finished. There's not much more to say. And yet, after all

tragedies, the gorilla was still allowed to perform.

Killing old lady Harlan was the best thing that Medusa could have done for

Phineas Harlan.

She was now rolling in insurance money.

Her act was kept on, the one with Medusa was kept on, but it was downgraded

considerably.

Her feet were chained to a garishly painted plaque.

and a semi -naked woman was hired to throw hula hoops on her.

Medusa was taught to mimic the woman's hip movements so that the hula hoops

would twirl.

And the way that gorilla looked at me, I knew exactly what she was thinking

while she was gyrating.

And so you say bananas are the only thing that diverts her mind from rape

murder? Yes, it's uncanny. And so are these vegetables.

These are fresh vegetables from my garden, not from a can.

So come on, eat up and stop your talking. Why are you looking at that

Toity?

What? And I'm curious.

Curiosity killed a cat.

Cats are pussy, and I'm no pussy.

No, but when the time comes for you to be one, I'm sure you'll make do with

you have.

Where's Bond? His food's getting cold. So is Waleen.

Don't worry about Bond. I bet his friction is making his meat real hot. I

suppose you're right.

And as for Waleen, there's nothing like a good pounding to get your chops

tenderized. You will never find more.

Tender chops, indeed.

No, but there's no harm in looking.

Yeah.

Wasn't that better than that elephant syringe?

Oh, it sure was.

Wasn't so much air pumped into my body.

You mean there was just air in that syringe?

There was seltzer and milk and magnesia, but then seltzer got too expensive and

she started some fizzies.

Fizzies? What's that?

Oh, it's kind of a bubble of Kool -Aid.

You want I should inject you with some more of my special cocktail mix? Sure.

ahead, baby.

The shake is all ready.

He's a songbird husband.

Oh, he's... He's in a sour knot.

Divorce is a messy business, Waline.

Oh, it... It doesn't have to be one.

Marriage can be an old underground.

Hasn't been, I don't know, consummated.

I don't know about that.

The syringe is...

Opened you up pretty wide.

My brother Edgar, the lawyer who lives in Kansas City, was my floor.

They're two children ages 9 and 13. My brother Edgar could win me that case.

He'd just tell them while I was working at Flaherty's Bakery.

I accidentally squatted on a little French bean.

big and wide as you and everyone else is like squeezing into a pinhole.

Oh, and I need you.

You're probably about the closest in size I'll ever find to replace that

elephant, Sarin.

your hand away from it and I will.

You don't excite me, Rue.

Why not?

You and me, we're too much alike.

We're two of a kind and negative charges don't attract each other. I don't

consider myself as negative.

Well, that's what I, um, great big debt miners sign.

You can say that again.

Well, uh, does this change your mind?

to get the horse ready.

I bet you one of them opens that locked door and looks at you.

Not till I get some gravy, baby.

You want an equal amount on each potato.

Forget about potatoes and just concentrate on this piece of boiled

Give me those keys.

Here they are. They're very well deserved.

Perhaps you'll change your mind about me?

In what way?

Birds of a feather stick together.

I'm not ready to build no nest, but when I do, I don't want it to be foul.

I can take an insult and a hint.

But I don't give up so easily.

Oh, Bonnie.

Take me away from here.

I've got a car, money, and a body, and they're all yours.

Maybe I can get you a job in my husband's publicity department, stamping

signature in all those 8x10s.

Stamping his signature?

I thought you told me they were all hand -signed.

Well, they are, but you'll be needing a job pretty soon. That's the only labor I

can think of at the moment.

You get to me, will you?

Nobody's ever offered me so much for so little.

What they offered me wasn't little.

Let's get dressed and go eat dinner so we can be part of the stomach.

There's vacations out there in the rain, will there?

Well, if you truly love me, you will guide us past them.

From now on, you are the captain of the ship I call my life.

Didn't you smell a pork chop?

Yeah, we didn't smell the rat.

Oh, that sounds like our lovesick Chandler.

There's nothing to think about, Paul.

Come on.

Just a minute, muscles.

I want to talk to you.

I'll be right with you, Elaine.

Don't even without me.

Do you want to get out of this place with that woman?

You've been spying on us.

Spying, that's an old story for this room.

Now listen to me and shut up. The only way you and that girlfriend of yours are

going to get out of here is by flinging bananas.

At that gorilla.

You know, to distract him.

Who told you that?

That guy at the circus. You know, he wasn't kidding. That gorilla is a sex

-crazed killer.

Well, what's that got to do with me?

Well, don't you and that little lady want to get out of here?

Not very much, if you listen to me.

That's sweet and touchy.

It just so happens that I've got a crate of bananas.

Where the heck did you get a crate of bananas from?

I had two crates, but I burned one up in a car accident.

I was hitchhiking to Sioux City and I swiped him off his truck.

But, uh, I'll let you in on it. I'll give you the bananas for a price. You

I got no money.

All your wealth is in your body.

And I want your body.

You drive a real hard bargain.

That's just what I want to do. I want to drive it real hard into you.

Listen, give me a second to think it over, huh, Tony?

Why don't you loosen your trousers up and give yourself a little more room to

think? You've told us about a whole assortment of people, Bing, but you've

us nothing about yourself.

Get off my back, mister. He's not trying to get on it.

Not after meeting me.

I think you're holding something back. Listen, young fella, if the food didn't

agree with you, I got a toilet just down the hallway. Now, don't be shy. Come

on, Bing.

Let's have it out. Now. Not in my living room, you don't. Please, I'm eating.

Let's have it, Bing.

All right, God damn it, all right.

That's right.

Have you ever been there when the circus was in town? Did you ever see the kids

poking at the animals with their crutches?

Have you ever seen an ostrich run down by a wheelchair?

Did you ever hear what it sounds like to hear a...

try and kill yourself as well.

Because, God help me, I... I have the heart for that girl.

No woman has ever satisfied me like she has.

Lord, have mercy on your soul.

I've tried to forget her, but I can't.

It's killing me.

I want her, and I know that it's wrong.

Easy, kid, easy.

They say that all is...

and love and war.

Take it from there.

Flash, give him another drink.

I'm going to go check on Bob.

He is tortured, sir.

Drink this up.

Acknowledge that you may be the beauty to soothe that savage beast.

come in handy sometime.

Thank you.

Exercise. There's a lot up here, Chandler. Not on your life, Bond.

I've been waiting a long, long time for this one.

Here.

Have a whiff of this. It may get you more into the festivities.

You said you wanted to hear about my wife's love life, didn't you, Bond?

Yeah, sure.

Used to have me undress alone in the living room with the lights off.

Then she'd have me fold myself up into the Castro convertible that her mother

had bought us.

And then she'd want me to close myself in like a human sardine sandwich.

Oh, good, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. Great.

An intruder.

Then, when I was stiff from all her massage, she'd have me kneel on the bed,

she'd bring the parakeet over, put it on my pecker, as if it were a perch.

Go faster, Chad.

Faster. Hurry up. Hurry up. I feel the punchline coming.

Then she'd lay on her back, underneath my pecker, lay on her back with her

open. Go ahead. Go ahead. And then the goddamn parakeet dropped the stool into

her mouth.

And she swallowed it.

kind of passport sends you, then I'm afraid you're just going to have to go

along without me. The crate's all yours, kid.

Sorry to see you go.

No more sorry than I am to see you come.

What crate are you talking about?

There's a crate of bananas behind the sofa. Your boyfriend bargained his butt

off for that fruit.

It's usually the other way around.

Fruit's always bargained off their butts for me. Well, I'm glad I was here for

the historic occasion.

have to do is run out those doors with a crate of bananas.

And if the gorilla follows, then just toss him a bunch.

You did that for me?

No big deal.

I didn't need that job, though.

I saw Twitty's naked body, so don't go telling me it wasn't any big deal.

There's no greater love that a man can show a woman than to give his body to

enemy.

broken in sometimes.

This way, if things don't work out with you, maybe something would click with

your husband.

It's a good thing I had it stashed away in the attic.

You think that's wrong? Wait until you smell Medusa.

What the hell is going on here?

I think we better cut the top off for it so that when she comes in, she won't be

mistaken for a woman. Well, who's she?

I'm a he. I know what you are, Bing, but who's the she that's coming in?

Tell me when to open the door. Open the door for who?

The gorilla.

Evidently, true love cannot be quashed by religious or traditional furs.

Bing has expressed his love for the gorilla, and she, in turn, has pursued

across four continents and will not be tamed until she gets him.

I can sympathize with her.

So, when everything is ready, we'll all... Hey, everybody.

There's something scraping and snorting by the outside door.

That's it.

We'll all hide in the shadows, and I'll go out and open the outside door. And

then, when the ape sees Bing standing in the brightly lit doorway with white

clothes on, she'll come in. And that's when we'll all run out. What about those

goddamn bananas?

I've got a crate of bananas.

After she sees Bing, she won't need them.

Bing's top banana.

I'll believe that when I see it.

The bananas can remain here as a wedding gift, if you wish.

You really gave me the shaft back. The pleasure was all mine. And what about

you, Gert?

Where are you going to run to? I'm running nowhere.

It's been a long time since this house has seen happiness and love.

Once these walls did echo...

when my husband was alive and my son it is my

honor now to be hostess to a courageous man and

the animal he loves and who also shares his sentiment she's in no

danger as long as medusa sees me first after i've given myself to the gorilla

again i expect great psychological transformations

Her and the skull of that primate.

You see?

Get back in there with those others.

Whatever loot she's hiding in here is mine.

Like hell it is.

If I hadn't brought any horseradish, I never would have got those keys.

Look, you got your horseradish and you got an extra helping of cream gravy.

the hell else do you want?

A chicken in every pot and cream gravy, seven nights a week.

I found it. I found the key. I found it.

You see, there's really no sense in fighting it. You only live once. Oh, it

would be a pleasure to cater to your honeymoon with bananas, bonbons, and you

take...

Oh, my God.

It's her.

Oh,

Tim, what do we do?

We'll make a dash.

that juices from your body have not all belonged to the insect population.

Many shrewd businessmen have fattened their wallets by exhibiting your

animalism.

It's not my wallet that I want fattened.

It's you.

Fattened with our first child.

Our first newborn child.

The first.

of a race of supermen.

You see a glance of the grotesqueness that struck at the very root of his

manhood.

You see him now.

He

repulsed both

man and woman alike.

And what is more important,

so self -revolting.

His mind became unbalanced, knowing that

the one thing that made his life worth living was being crushed

by the weight of his own testicles.

For his safety and mine,

And for the safety of Dillon and Pinky, I had to lock him up behind this door.

The weight of that malignancy on our fragile bodies.

That Jesus, he wants his whole life.

His life.

The storm is over. And God has given me the sun and you on this, the first

morning of our lives.

Now, don't you go putting all your eggs in one basket, Walene.

I got my hand in your basket, and it feels nice and firm.

I'm not worried about no eggs.

As long as you don't go losing your marbles over me.

I'm young, and I'm restless, and not to be trusted.

A lot of energy in this body, Walene, and it hops around from bed to bed like

flea.

To be bit by a love bug like me could be a pretty scratchy situation.

Yeah, my love.

All I ask is that when I start itching, you start scratching.

Hmm.

Why?

Yeah?

I'm starting to itch.

Where do you want me to scratch?

There ain't a stopping, Chandler.

Perhaps the road to Texas will not be muddy.

Do you see that slit of a rosy line over there?

That's where we're going, sir.

We're getting out of the mud.

Into a bed of roses.

That rosy light is the dawn, Chandler.

Texas is to the south, not east.

My heart is towards the east.

Towards the glow of a new day.

A day without vengeance.

A day without hate.

Will your heart lead you to that bed of roses?

Or are you relying on your nose?

I'm relying on the sign we just passed.

Rose Haven Motel.

Six miles east on Route 18.

That's where we'll find our place.

I'm pouring myself a drink, Charlie.

Only it ain't to forget my loneliness.

We have company now.

And the house is full of human voices.

Like it was 15 years ago.

so the voices of the inhuman and those that suffer, but they suffer no

more.

Remind me to go shopping today for some chopped meat,

vegetables, milk, and honey.

three dozen bananas, and some heads of lettuce, and of

course my cucumbers.

I mustn't forget my cucumbers.

People come and go, but the cucumbers must stay.

Join me in a toast. Charlie.

A toast to love and happiness

and to a life that won't go sour

and turn every cucumber into a pickle.