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"Area 51" Secret US Military Base

Was the White House informed? No. The President is on the hustings.

Don't let it slip! It would provoke a global mass hysteria.

- We imposed a gag order. - Does the Pentagon think it's dangerous?

General, I recommend Defcon 2.

Be careful, Sir.

- Oh my God! - Watcha lookin' at?

300 years later

Once upon a time our ancestors came from Earth to colonize Mars.

Today we return to Earth...

to once and for all annihilate its petty inhabitants!

Jens, my trusty disciple, our vision has come true.

Earth is ours now!

Queen Metapha, we are defenseless.

The attack met us unprepared. Our fleet has been destroyed.

- How can that be? - They have our shield access codes!

They can even eavesdrop in on local calls.

- Majesty, we must surrender! - No, you cannot do that!

Pardon me.

Those Martians came down upon us like grasshoppers.

We can't just twiddle our thumbs now!

In two hours the Mars Regulator may be sitting there, on your throne!

- There could be one last chance. - What do you mean?

Time travel.

- That is unjustifiable. - But time travel is prohibited!

I think we can bend the rules a little. Please go on.

We must travel back in time and prevent the colonization of Mars.

- Thus, we prevent this war. - Absurd! We don't even know...

whether time travel is safe for humans. We've never tested it.

- And who would be able to do this? - I was thinking of...

- the Surprise crew! - Oh Goodness! Those of all people!

'Cause we're so pretty and so canny and so slim and so slender

We'll be Miss Waikiki!

And shower to the left! And shower to the right!

And don't forget the soap!

One more time! And five, six, seven, eight

Five, six, seven, eight And touch and push!

And touch and push! And towel to the left!

And towel to the right! And don't forget the willy!

Dry the willy to the beat!

- You cannot be serious! - They are mankind's last hope.

Or are there any volunteers?

Are you saying that these... these people are the only ones...

- who can save the world? - If you really want to know, senator Eric:

Yes!

We have no idea where they are. No word from them in years!

Then we have to find them, don't we?

There they are!

- How could they bear away this far? - Hail them!

- There are in the back of beyond! - I bet.

Captain's log no. 1 of our Traumschiff Surprise, Captain Kork.

It's way too chilly for this stardate.

All 40 men of my crew are in good health.

Only two have a slight cold. Guenther has blackboard duty for this week.

I am worried that in five months from now we'll run out of stamps.

Got to do something about that. Later. Today we have our yearly...

health check. Looking forward to having my temperature taken.

If all is fine, I'll have a nice cutlet with french fries and ketchup,

a small mixed salad and a large root beer.

- The same fagging every year! - The Honolulu bathing season starts soon!

You really need a flawless waistline if you want to be Miss Waikiki!

But it's tough on my intervertebral discs.

Do Vulcanettes even have intervertebral discs?

- None of yours, you dumb cow! - He's not even a purebred Vulcanette.

- Oh, I am! - No, you're a mongrel!

I am a Vulcanette Vulgaris. We can live for up to 400 years...

because we are a type of Galapagos turtle!

- And what are you? - I'm the captain.

- You just screwed your way up! - And your point is...?

Galapagos turtle! That's why you're so slow!

And you have a baboon's ass!

Oh dear...

- So? - Your values are disastrous, as always.

This is Groans. What's up?

Someone from Earth, for the captain.

I'm not here.

He's not here.

Tell Mr. Nasi to turn on the answering machine.

Got it? Groans out.

Let's go! Get ready for the hovering test.

Yes!

There are certain difficulties in contacting the Surprise.

- But you have their coordinates! - Yes, but... there's just the machine.

What? What?

They're available from Monday through Friday from 4 to 5 pm.

I don't believe it. Get these jerks NOW! There's not much time left!

Aye, Sir!

Wonder what those guys are doing up there?

Picking nose and swinging balls!

Picking nose and swinging balls!

Starting today it's push-ups and knee bends!

Whatever.

Commencing hovering test.

Jeez, those asses won't move a bit!

Oh my, now what do we have here?

I better put this away before the captain bags it.

- Captain, why aren't we hovering yet? - Doc, why aren't we hovering yet?

Cheese cake and chocolates all the time! You're too fat to be weightless!

I used to be in the hovering club!

I was the youngest ever in the hovering marathon!

I made my license in freestyle hovering when I was 12, and at the age of 14...

I won the Gold Star at the national youth hovering contest in Swabia! Yessir!

I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods!

Adieu!

- Did you know he's got cellulitis? - Where?

Honestly! Up in his room.

Just wait, I'll get you yet!

Yes! I'm hovering!

Mr. Smock, come up here! It's wonderful up here!

- I can't! - He can't.

C'mon, flat out, doc!

- Is that all you got? - Geez, really!

I just can't get that fat Vulcanette up!

- Hey, what's that? - Bloody cheek!

- What's going on there? - Geez, really!

- Hi! - That's mine.

- Who left his roller skates lying here? - There!

Miss Bora-Bora! Next time you'll have a one-week ban on cheese cake!

And out with that chewing gum! Mr. Nasi, what's the situation?

Ha, Captain... (continues in Kantonese)

Did you understand what he just said, Mr. Smock?

- Bora stuck her tongue out at me! - That's no emergency, Mr. Nasi!

Captain, there's something going on. Someone sending an emergency signal.

- But it's quite faint. - Emergency signal? I don't believe it!

Captain? Careful, don't get too close.

The automatic control system shows a low sliding factor.

They use modulated pulsing vibrations...

to get through to us.

- So? - Shall I allow penetration, Captain?

Never! We can't let that happen!

Mutt speed!

Mutt speed!

Captain, with all due respect, but mutt speed's no dice right now.

- Why not? - Pug's broken.

Well. Let's call it a day.

- Captain? - What now?

I don't know what it is, but...

it's heading toward us.

Oh my, madness. What a stress!

Read it!

Red alert.

Set course for Earth and contact the government immediately.

No way! We're in the middle of training for the Miss Waikiki contest!

We really have to prioritize here, right Mr. Smock?

- Captain? - Yes, Buttovich?

Disobeying orders can get you having your shore leave cancelled.

- Majesty, we heard from the Surprise. - Finally. What do they write?

"Need something from the convenience store?"

- What do they mean? - Maybe it's a code.

When do they get here? We have less than an hour!

They could make it in 20 minutes with mutt speed.

- But there's a problem. - What kind of problem?

Pug damage.

Yes, I know. I've been in treatment for a while.

I hope they don't try to beam. It would kill them over that distance.

Get ready to beam! Activate!

To be beamed or be beamed not you need to be on the right spot!

Shoo!

- Spotty, you mad? - Mutiny!

Do that again and you'll have a single room on Honolulu!

- Geez, really! - Those things happen on Economy.

Economy? Are you stupid? I'm the captain! You beam me in Business!

The battery's too weak for Business.

That beam goat probably left the lights on again.

Careful, here he comes.

Aha! Out with that!

- What is that? - Friendship rings.

From a befriended DA. That's all I'll say about that.

And what's in your pants?

- None of yours! - Pants down.

- Huh? - Pants down!

Yehes!

- Radiation protection. - What for?

Beaming always gets on my balls.

Captain, I can't beam like that!

Okay! But then you pay the cab!

- What is your report? - Grab a seat, Regulator!

Madam Metapha got real crazy boombastic plan! The plan is...

The Plan is... the plan...

Okay, I forget. Sorry, Regulator-man, listen!

I write information on paper and call you back later. Ok?

Walkie talkie, man!

What was that? Since when do dabblers work for my empire?

My Regulator, that one was a special offer at Rent-a-Spy.

We got this cactus for free with it. But I can send him back.

- Make it so. But we'll keep the cactus. - Yes, master.

Jens, my trusty disciple. I have a mission for you.

Whassup?

Find out what those Earth maggots are planning, so I can finally crush them.

Crushing! That's good!

Make our ship more beautiful! Make our ship more beautiful!

Make our ship more beautiful!

- Make our ship more beautiful! - Well, yeah, okay.

Give her something!

Thanks! Save the whales! Find Nemo!

- Got your passport? - Sure.

- Closed the window? - Yes, I even closed the jalousies.

I told you not to do that! Everyone will know we're not at home!

- Arguing again? - Go away.

- There's something on you head. - That is my travelling hat.

- Why do you need a travelling hat? - I'm paying the cab, so I'll come along.

- And what's that? - That's Jutta. My reading lamp.

It's saved my life before.

What kind of junker is that?

- Bargaining again, huh? - I like it.

Who of you ordered a cab?

Me! That was me! That was my idea!

- Who of you guys wants in the back? - Me! Me! Me!

I want the window seat!

- You cooing? - What?

- You're cooing over him! - No, I'm not.

- Then let him coo a little. - Shut up and look out the window.

- So, where to? - Earth. City of Government.

- Whoops! That'll be expensive. - Why's that?

Right now, it'd be easier to give someone plastic surgery during an earthquake

than to arrive there in one piece. They're firing heavy ordnance down there.

Oh yes, life vests and parachutes should be somewhere below that seat.

- Maybe we should get out of here? - He's just boasting.

No problem. Just fly. I am expected by the government.

My name is Captain Kork. Capricorn.

And I am Hermes. Messenger of the Gods.

- And what is your name? - My name is Rock.

Soft- or Hard Rock?

Grab onto something!

Yes!

You can now buy free goods. Anyone care for some music?

Sure!

What's the commotion?

Okay girls, party's over.

I'll report that one! Spotty, record that plate number!

Anyone got an eraser?

To think I went to the washing bay yesterday!

Just stop it! I'll be getting spots from all this stress!

Blow slowly, girls, or you'll get dizzy.

Okay, now we have a problem. This is the captain. Don't mind the shaking.

We only lost our shields, one thruster went down...

and the plasma tank is leaking.

I noticed that! The general condition of your...

Sit down, man!

Turn right at the rotary.

You are approaching the exit. Geez, finally!

Turn right after 500 metres.

Not so good right now.

You took the wrong turn!

C'mon, baby, don't let me down!

- Could you turn off the air conditioning? - Could you shut up for a second?

If possible, please reverse course.

Good idea!

Please wait.

You are approaching your destination.

Ensalada mista, Baby!

Don't be foolish. Your city is completely surrounded.

My Cookie squadron will be ready to attack in a few minutes.

If you haven't signed the unconditional surrender by then...

I will destroy you.

It is futile. We have to surrender while we still have a chance.

You are right. We cannot wait any longer for the crew of the Surprise.

- That must be them. - Heyho! Is the cheese cake ready?

Inform the queen!

That was en vogue then.

I can't read that.

- Rock. - Rock and what?

- Rock Thats-It. - What?

My ex-wife's name is Thats. Mine's It. That's it.

Thank you, Mr. Thats-It. You have been of great help to us.

What? And who'll pay for the damage?

- A new paint job will do, I think. - Yes! Pink Camouflage!

What? That was a 45 Space Cruiser, a lowrider with sport suspender!

Trace elements made of Burmese titanium! It made double speed of light

in less than 1.5 seconds! That kind of machine cannot be painted...

in Pink Camouflage!

Try to be sensible, Mr. Thats-It.

- We have other problems here! - Oh yeah? Well I don't give a damn!

All I care about is that my cab is totalled!

And all that just because I had to bring you these three molls!

I bet he's that small...!

You guys pay for the repairs and I'm out of here. Okay?

And until that happens, I'll just sit here, on this chair, and wait.

Well, I don't know about you, but I could do with some coffee now.

- Chocolate? - Nooo!

- It's bitter chocolate by Rosetto. - It's the brand with the Rosetto-Moor.

I'm...

not ready for that.

- Who is that? - A cab driver. We still need to pay him.

Ladies and Gentlemen...

The chairman of the intercontinental security council.

Majesty!

Esteemed senators!

300 years ago, on July 22nd, 2004 at precisely 5.35 pm,

a UFO crashed into the desert of Nevada.

In that UFO, our scientists found information from a galaxy far far away.

It was only with that knowledge that we were able to colonize Mars.

We could prevent the colonization of Mars and thus, this war,

by travelling into the year 2004...

and destroying implied UFO.

But how can the UFO be completely neutralized?

With this Swiss pocket laser!

Know a nice place to go clubbing?

- Captain? - Yes, right, absolutely!

- That's how I would do it. - Good. Because you will be doing it.

- What? - Yeah, right!

- We? No dice! - No dice!

That's totally impossible!

- We don't have time for that. - So sorry.

We need to prepare for the Miss Waikiki contest.

If you refuse this mission, captain...

there will never be a Miss Waikiki contest again!

Bring in the time machine!

- Spotty, Smock, follow me. - I want the window seat!

Shouldn't we tell them the machine has never been tested?

Captain... you are our last best hope.

- What? I'd rather send a monkey! - Animal welfare wouldn't let us.

You should put on these glasses. Time travel is bad for your eyes.

The ignition key will start the machine. With these coordinates..

you set destination time and place.

- Stop it or we'll leave you here! - Confirm by pressing the green button.

This button activates a countdown. Everything else is in this book.

Don't lose it or you'll never come back! And don't waste energy.

- The manual! - Travelling with you is no fun at all!

I'll get it!

The Mars Regulator just ordered his Cookie squadrons to attack!

All exits are blocked!

- We must get you to a safe place! - But I can't just...

We have no choice. Get onto the time machine!

I'll stay here until my cab has been repaired!

We're doomed!

- Senator! - Majesty!

There's something you need to know!

What is it?

I forgot to pack my bra.

- Here. Take mine. - Thank you!

It's okay.

Press the start button!

Got it!

Spotty! Heel!

Maybe I'll find a better place to sit.

Yee, here we go!

Spotty!

This will have serious consequences!

- What are you doing here? - I wonder that, too!

- You're messing everything up! - Including me!

- Does this thing have a seat heater? - No, but I sat there just a moment ago.

Spotty is sneaking out of this again! Now it'll be single room, definitely!

Brace yourself! Glasses on!

- I am glad to see you, Lord Shawl. - Boot licker.

- What's that? - Rosetto's bitter chocolate.

It's the brand with the Rosetto-Moor.

- Thanks. And exit! - Aye, Sir!

The government building of the Earth alliance was successfully taken over.

Excellent!

All politicians were locked into the washhouse.

Perfect.

Queen Metapha was able to escape with a time machine.

What? How could you let that happen, asshole?

Yes. You're right. But we were able to seize the manual of the time machine.

Goooood.

I'm going to make a phone call.

Wow!

The time machine works!

Unbelievable.

- Now we can... - Prevent my wedding!

- What? - Or go see Elvis live!

The end of the world is near - and you think of Elvis?

My hearties, I dreamed of football just now.

I dreamed I was a pastry cook and shaped a quarterback from marzipan.

Then I added a lucky coin and stuck it into the shop window with the tarts.

- What country did you enter? - I didn't enter anything.

- Captain! Get up! Look, a pony! - Where are we?

A petting zoo!

- Dammit! - Oh my! Rowdies everywhere!

July 22nd, 1304. A short miss.

- Neat thing you got us into. - I didn't do anything.

Then maybe you should do something now.

Keep cool, princess. We'll be gone in a second.

Dear Romans! We came from the future to save the world!

Smocky, take a picture.

Say cheeese...!

Witchcraft! Catch them!

I'm out of here!

- Who is he? - Who?

- He! - Ah, I see.

Who is he?

Speak, you sleazy son of a dog!

What did you do to the woman?

Is he of noble blood?

My name is Til Schweiger, and I make my living as an actor.

It's not much, but it's enough for two weeks of vacation in a year.

And what do you do, throne farter?

My lord, he is a liar. This man is certainly not an actor.

But he has got guts. I was told he was a remarkable fighter.

An important tournament takes place tomorrow. My honor is at stake...

but my best horseman was overrun by a crusade last week. Nasty thing.

- How about putting up danger signs? - Do we have danger signs?

No, Sire, but Lady Andrew has some spare crosses.

- Yes! Put up Andrew's Crosses! - Hey, great idea! Can I go now?

It is his fault my substitute fell from his horse.

Hence, he will have to win the tournament for me tomorrow.

If he does, he is free. If he doesn't, he and his entourage will be hanged

and the woman will be mine. Cheers!

But Sire! Only those of noble blood may take part in the tournaments!

That's right.

Hereby I knight you Sire of...

...of Behynde.

They travelled to the past to eradicate our existence.

- This is bad news. - Well, yes.

- But I also have good news for you. - Go ahead.

This book contains a time machine construction manual.

- I turned my moped into one. - And? Does it work?

Yes, it does, master! I just went and got the newspaper of tomorrow.

"High treason! Spectacle-wearer slain with a pan!" Poor guy.

- They won't write about me. - For this to come true...

you have to stop them! Can you trace their route?

Sure. I'll sniff them out with my sniff radar.

- Jens! - Master?

There is something you need to know.

Whassup?

Roughly 30 years ago a baby came along, you know.

Without sock and without shoe.

And that, dear Jens, was you.

You lost me, my Regulator.

I... am... your father!

Okay. You can count on me, daddy! Bye!

By the way, the Lady's dress suits you remarkably well.

She wore it just yesterday while being busy with the jester.

- You have a wife? - I had.

Where is she now?

- Hanging outside. - You hanged her outside? Why?

We have no gallows in here.

Two pizzas No. 33 for William the Endmost!

To the Knight of Behynde! Cheers!

Say, what is your star sign? Well, your zodiac.

- You do have a zodiac, don't you? - Well, yes... Virgo.

A virgin!

A virgin? Where? Finally! I want one too! Here first! I was here before him!

Shut up!

- Virgo goes wonderfully with Butterfly. - That's no zodiac.

Yes, it is. In the Vulcanette horoscope. I am a Butterfly.

We only have insects for zodiacs. House Fly, Tse Tse Fly...

Blowfly, Mayfly... or the Wasp!

- Want to see my ascendant? - No, keep it where it is.

- Save that for your boyfriend. - What? He's not my boyfriend.

He's just my captain. He'd get lost without me all the time.

Besides, he has no idea what women want.

Neither do I. I know you have to be handsome...

Beauty is not that important. What you need is humor.

I have! A doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news. "

"Good news: You have one day to live. " "Bad news: I forgot to tell you... "

"yesterday. "

Forgot... yesterday...

Not bad.

Shall I tell you the magical question that sets every woman's heart on fire?

Want to go shopping?

Shopping? And I always thought women liked men who play the piano.

I don't think I will ever marry.

Neither would I anymore. My ex-wife took everything.

My house, my dog, my job...

even my hole puncher.

Oh my, now you can't even file anything away!

Oh well. Let me show you something.

My little pink pal stayed with me.

Oh, you little piggy you!

- Say, can I touch that? - Sure.

- Oh my, it's all shrivelled up! - Well, it's been in there for a while.

- Yeah, I can see that. - Come, push it.

- I'd like to have one myself. - Come on, push it harder.

My, where is it? My, what's it doing? My, there it is!

- I don't want to make it burst. - It won't. My dog used to chew on it.

The joust: two knights try to push each other off the horse with a lance.

If your friend goes down, he loses and we will be married by tonight.

I don't think you two would make a good couple.

- What's wrong? - Well, how did we sleep last night?

- I didn't get a wink of sleep. - Yes, I imagine.

- What's that on your foot? - A shoe.

- Where did you get that from? - My room mate had his leg hacked off...

for no apparent reason. I felt sorry and bought his shoe.

- Shut up, you witches! - Shut up, you bitches!

Dear Lords, dear Ladies, dear mob!

Our dearest patronizing host, who is delighted to see you all have come here...

Duke William the Endmost of Shareholding!

Dear Lords, dear Ladies!

Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle...

Third Count of Yorkshire Forest Wooden-Lancester-Puddingham...

- It's Pettingham, you idiot! - Ah... oh. That's right.

Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle...

Third Count of Yorkshire Forest Wooden-Lancester... Pettingham...

Sir Richard Carsharing...

can not be with us today.

Well well, the plague. Stepping into the breach...

the mysterious Black Knight!

Competing against him, under the crest of Duke William...

the Sassy Sire of Behynde!

I worked on that outfit all night. But it was worth it.

Loose screw, huh?

- Jens Shawl! - Jawohl.

I will beat the Sassy Sire for you.

- You have to cancel the tournament! - Too late.

In case you care at all, I don't feel well.

I have to go pee-pee since last night, but they don't even have toilet paper here.

Calm!

- You need to raise your lance, Rocky! - There!

- What? - You're cooing. You said "Rocky"!

If the Black Knight wins we're all doomed!

- It's not the end of the world. - You have no idea!

Jawohl!

- I can't take it much longer! - Neither can I. That poor outfit!

My bladder is about to explode and you act like a halibut in the heat!

Rock!

- Didn't hurt at all. - Think about our future!

Don't worry, princess. Let me handle this.

He could as well resign. Your bosom will be mine!

I'll rather go and puke then let you touch me, Duke.

Jawohl! Yes! Jawohl!

Yes! We're getting married! Where's the priest?

Hey, don't touch! Hands off! Heh!

- What are you planning? - Some little fireworks for our wedding.

I know how you feel. I fell from the bunk bed when I was a kid.

Excuse me! He's lying on top of my bladder.

Hey, wait!

What?

Oh Willy! Do you want to make me happy?

Yeah, definitely!

Jawohl! Higher, pigs!

- I'm ready, Willy-Boy! - Good! Move a little together, my dear!

They're getting away! Let me down, assholes!

What a picture!

Stop it!

- Come on baby, where's the cheese? - In here!

Cheeeeese...!

Oh crap.

They're gone!

William's a sorcerer!

Well, burn him!

Now I'll go and meet my Lord because of that bosom I adored.

- What happened? - You were unconscious. We're there.

- Hey! Hey, stop pulling! - Wishy-wishy, pissy-pissy!

- Well, look! - Oh thank God!

- C'mon, hurry, will ya? - Yeah. Hey, someone forgot his pants!

- Heave ho! - Man, this is heavy!

That wardrobe goes up to the bedroom.

Be careful! These are the furniture of our new sheriff.

- It all has to be perfect tomorrow. - Sure, mayor.

Oh, do be careful!

I dreamed of football just now.

I was a quarterback made of marzipan. Someone stuck a lucky coin to my head...

...and stuck me into the shop window next to the tarts.

- Who was that? - Some gay pastry cook.

Whoa whoa whoa!

- And where are the others? - Piddling.

That was close. I wouldn't even wish Bora-Bora such a full bladder.

Shouldn't have had all that asparagus. Well, how do you like it?

- This outfit is so totally old fashioned. - Poppycock and fiddlesticks!

- We won't stand out in this national costume. - You're jingling.

I have a world to save! Watch me, this is how you move in Nevada.

Shoulders up, swing your hips.

Think of Johnny Weir and don't forget your breathing!

Try it!

Forget it!

Ah, fresh asparagus tea!

It's still warm!

- Smocky. - Leave me alone.

- How far is it to the ground? - I don't know.

- Well, please look. - I can't.

- It's the right place, but the wrong time. - Can you repair the time machine?

- Not without the manual. - What do we do now?

First of all, find the girls. Strange. I can't stop the feeling...

they're somewhere around here.

Last warning, Smock! How far is it to the ground?

- Forget it! - Are we being mutinous?

- That's that Mr. Rock's bad influence! - You're just being jealous!

- Be careful, will you! - Hey. The princess is worrying about me.

- What do you mean? - Well, if a woman worries about a man...

- I'm worrying about our mission! - And me, about my cab and my money!

What?

Don't you understand? We're stuck here without the time machine!

- You should've been more careful! - Oh, so it's my fault now?

I couldn't pay attention, I was unconscious!

That's so typical!

You're a jealous gratin!

You'll look down now, or I'll tell Mr. Rock that you have a green testicle!

You're such a bully!

I took the rap for you, Princess!

Oh yeah, and who kicked that leather lump into my face?

If it wasn't for me, you'd be a juicy steak at the stake!

- Good day to you. - Hello...

- Do you have a boyfriend? - What?

So you don't.

I'll tell you something. You like me.

- This is not about you! Got it? - Sorry, can I get my paper back?

Mayor Roony!

That's all wrong!

- More to the left! - Mayor Roony!

A telegraph from Roswell! It's horrible!

God be with us! The former sheriff...

isn't cold and stiff yet, and they're already coming back to town!

They're on the 12 o'clock train.

They're back!

- You have your mom's pulpy porridge ass! - Travelling with you is no fun at all!

- I'm never taking you along again! - So what? There are plenty of people...

who'd love to take me along!

Who? That Rock-bottom maybe?

Yeah! Our knees touched, and I got the feeling that...

he wanted it too! Stop smirking!

Maybe I'll take him on a trip to Mykonos with him next year!

I'm not giving you a holiday.

Sheriff Shorty? I thought you'd only arrive tomorrow. Anyway. Good luck!

And you're taller than I expected!

- And which one is the sheriff? - The one with the star, Jim.

- I'll just save the world without you! - Ha, you can't!

- Yes I can. - No you can't.

- Yes I can. - No you can't.

- Yes I can. - No you can't.

- Yes I can. - No you can't.

I don't believe this.

No you can't. I have the Swiss laser!

You sly Vulcanette cow!

Hey, are you nuts?

I thought Shorty was shorter last time we met him.

Well, it's been what, 10 years? He could have grown.

Dammit!

Game over! Daddy will be delighted!

He's got a moped!

Oh no, not again.

Oh, shit!

What's wrong?

Get a grip, you asshole!

John, you hold the sheriff off my back. Jim, wash your hands and go inside.

Sorry, John. I can't stay outside to play.

Don't worry. I found two new friends already.

- Shoes! - Yes, boss.

John, you have ten minutes.

We have a pub to sell to the Apaches later today.

- We are from the... - People Village!

We are peace-loving Village People!

Ladies and Señoritas!

From Medicine Bow, Wyoming, it's your host for tonight: Mr. Santa Maria!

- Isn't he gorgeous? - I'm your biggest fan!

Welcome to "The Santa Show"! Our guest for today is Jim.

Hello, Jim.

- What did you bring us there, Jim? - Rheuma blankets, boss.

Isn't that wonderful?

Schnuffi-Puffi... Buy one, get one free!

Schnuffi-Puffi... Schnuffi-Puffi!

Schnuffi-Puffi, and your wild ride's going on!

Now on sale!

- I think he's cooing over you. - Really?

C'mon! Draw!

- What? - Your pistol.

It's his first time!

Geez, thanks!

- I can't get it out! - Now you see what it's like.

- Are you alright, captain? - Yes, but...

- Where's Rock? - I'm getting tired of that name!

Who of you ordered a cab?

- Thank God, there he is! - "Thank God, there he is!"

- You are a real hero! - I know.

- But we don't drink champagne. - The chief of the Apaches does.

- Oh look! Someone's lying there! - Yes, that's my John.

My Regulator. Your shuttle to Earth is ready.

- Has Lord Shawl reported in yet? - No, my Regulator!

But we captured this man. He pretended to be mowing the lawn.

He actually is part of the crew that managed to flee with the time machine.

Interesting. I'm sure he can tell us something about their plans.

I'm not saying anything! I've already lost my reading lamp to this war...

it can't get any worse, can it!

Then there is nothing I can do for you.

You fool!

Hermes!

I order the following press release:

"High treason! Spectacle wearer slain with a pan!"

Aye, my Regulator.

We have conquered Earth. The Era of Darkness has begun.

I think this is our exit!

I don't know how to slow this thing down!

Jump off!

Great! Now I got sand in my ears!

No wonder, what with the size of your lugs!

- Are you alright, princess? - I think so.

Better.

That's our couch! Why is it smouldering?

Just you wait...

What are you doing with our couch? It's not a toy, you know!

Now look how that looks! It's so totally wrecked!

Do you even know who I am? My name is Juergen Thorsten Kork...

captain of the Traumschiff Surprise.

I have the responsibility for this couch as well as for a crew of over 40 men...

and I'm telling you it's not always easy to make ends meet!

He repaired the time couch!

Your turn!

Okay!

You...

You again.

- What is that? - A corkscrew.

A magnifying glass.

No!

Your time is up!

The UFO!

Time to say goodbye, french fry.

Rock!

Want to...

Want to go shopping?

Yes I do!

- See! Your time to coo is over, Smocky. - I can still keep him on the back burner.

- There is something you have to know. - What is it?

I...

- I really suck when it comes to sex. - Oh Rock! So do I!

- Gee, what a cute thingy! - Careful, Smock, it might bite.

Maybe I'll talk to him.

- Hello, stranger! - Huh?

You friend or foe?

Ah! A friend!

- Oh, I think he catched a cold. - Wait a sec.

You're a really good boy, aren't you?

- Look, now you broke it! You dumb cow! - That's not enough, I'm afraid.

- We did it! - That's all? This will change the future?

Even small things can have a big effect.

I don't know about you, but I'm really homesick now.

Yes!

I wonder what awaits us at home.

Hopefully some fresh cheese cake in Honolulu, right, Smocky?

- There's not enough energy. Overload. - Overload?

- We're too heavy. - What?

We'll make 200 years, tops.

- We're 76.375 kg overweight. - Oh no!

- How much are you? - 54 kg.

- My beach weight's 75 kg. - I'm 73.

What about you, Smocky?

Well, how much is it?

76 kilo and 375 grams.

Smocky?

Groans was right. I'm just too fat!

Thanks for everything.

They found us.

Take this. Whenever you're lonely...

just press it.

Don't go!

You have to go now.

How could I, without you?

I'll stay with you.

No, you have to win the Miss Waikiki contest.

Smocky!

I'll always be with you, captain.

You're the bravest Vulcanette in the world!

Farewell!

Gotta run.

And you expect us to believe that story?

So you are a time traveller.

And you came from the year 2304...

to save the world.

What do you think, Mr. Oilfield?

- Sir, he's telling the truth. - Are you sure, Mr. Cornfield?

Yes, Mr. Wheatfield. The lie detector confirms it.

He can fool us, but he can't fool the machine.

Please, Mrs. Ricefield.

Mr. Smock. Your story sounds truly...

- unbelievable. - Geez, really.

But can you prove to us that you are from the future?

- What the hell is that? - Oh geez, I had forgotten about that!

I've never seen anything like it!

- It vibrates when it gets hot. - Yes, General.

- A clinical thermometer with vibration. - That's proof.

This man does indeed come from the future!

What is that?

Surprise!

- Welcome home, captain! - What?

This is impossible... You were just... I mean... you were...

- Why are you here? - Well, you never believed me, did you!

Galapagos turtle!

Yesterday was my 335th birthday!

Three...! You haven't changed a bit! No grey hair...

- no cellulite in your face! Nothing! - Yes. Wasn't cheap though.

So you... waited for me for 300 years?

Yes. But I made good use of that time.

Isn't it beautiful?

How did you do that?

I sold our cheese cake recipe to McDonald's.

Captain's log no. 1 of our Traumschiff Surprise, Captain Kork.

Saved the world once more. By destroying the UFO in 2004

we changed the future. Mars was never colonized,

and Mr. Smock has refurbished Earth during the last 300 years.

Now nothing can stop us!

'Cause we're so pretty

and so canny and so slim and so slender We'll be Miss Waikiki!

And shower to the left! And shower to the right!

And don't forget the soap! One more time!

And five, six, seven, eight Five, six, seven, eight

And touch and push! And touch and push!

And towel to the left! And towel to the right!

And don't forget the willy! Dry the willy to the beat!

You can count on me, daddy!

I'm a Vulcanette vulgaris. We can be up to 400 years old because we are

a type of Galapapago...

I'm a...

This thing farts!

Sure. I'll snaff them out with my snaffledidap.

Yes!

- Klaus Kinski? - Yes. I'm hovering. Come up.

Sure, Dad. Shoe can count on me... shshshsh...

- I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods. - And whahamaminib?

They travelled to the past to erararara...

Rrrrrr! Rrrrrr! I miss my moped.

- I used to be on the hovering club! - On?

I made my license in freestyle hovering when I washwei... shwe...

shwiba... hi there!

...when I was 12, and I won the Federal Cross of Merit

at the national youth hovering con... - Federal Cross?

- Put that pipe away! - I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods!

High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

Space-Taxi to the sky.

High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

Space-Taxi to the sky.

Come on.

...My little heart... ... so hot...

...spread your legs apart... Check it out!

...now let's start the show! Eenie meenie miny moe!

High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

Space-Taxi to the sky.

I...

- I forgot to pack my bra. - Here.

Take m...

William is a sorcerer!

Sorry, mouth full.

Do you want to make me happy?

Yes, definitely!

My nose went up!

Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle,

Third Count of... Fuck!

Fuck, hey!

There are plenty of people who'd lovuff...

There are plenty of people who'd lovuff... sorry!

There are plenty...

Do you even know who I am? Captain Juergen Thorsten Kork from the

Planet of the Apes. Sorry.

Bring me a Quattro staggioni, okay? And turn that stupid music off.

Now, be honest, Smocky. Didn't you get incredibly bored

without me during the last 300 years?

Oh well, I had a little lie-in...

- visited my relatives - That's nice.

- I did my tax return. - Yes, that's important.

And then I won bronze...

at the Olympic Games of 2068 in the Ladies' Showering Team.

Oh, really! Our Smocky has always been an ace, hasn't he?

What's up, Spotty?

Captain, I beamed someone up... he wants to join in with us!

Send him up. He'll get some cheese cake, too!

Aye aye, my captain!

Well, who could it be!

Come in, if you're not a taxi driver!

- Servus! - Voilá! Anyone need a pearl diver?

Fascinating.