All language subtitles for Riot.Women.S01E01.720p.iP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-RAWR_track4_[eng]

This programme contains some scenes
which some viewers may find upsetting
from the start,

deals with suicide from the start
and contains strong language

CLOCK TICKS FAINTLY

ICE CLINKS IN GLASS

PHONE RINGS

- Hello?
MAN:
- Beth.

- Nick.
- What's this text?

You've sold her house
and spent £240,000 on a policy?

Yeah, I did.
Erm, so, the solicitor...

She's not going to live that long.

Well, we don't know
how long she's going to live.

But the point is, for however long
she does live, she's covered.

So she's got good care
and a good home and...

And neither of us need to worry
our frazzled little heads

about any of it any more.

That's £240,000 that we would have
inherited, eventually.

- It should have been discussed.
- I did discuss it -

- with her solicitor.
- With ME.

Discussed with me!

And Abi...gail.

It's got nothing to do with Abigail.

And you know she was a saver, Mum,

all her life she saved for a rainy
day. Well, this is her rainy day.

- It costs £5,000 a month
in that care home.
- How much?

And if she lives for more than three
years, which she could easily do...

- How much?
- ..then she's covered.

This is 24-hour, round the clock
dementia care, Nick.

This is someone
who is doubly incontinent,

and regularly wide awake
at 3:00 in the morning,

singing Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy
From Company B!

And insisting she has to get to
Marks & Spencer before they close!

It never stops...!

And it doesn't come cheap.

Well, could you not
find somewhere cheaper?

- No.
- What about the NHS?

Oh, what planet do you live on?

- So, well, what do ordinary people
do?
- We ARE ordinary people.

They sell their houses
and spend their savings

and give up their careers
and do it themself.

That's what ordinary people do.
So...

..fuck your inheritance!

Because this is the way
the cookie crumbles

when you don't visit your own mother
for six years!

Arsehole!

SHE STIFLES A SOB

SHE SNIFFLES

STUTTERING SOB

PHONE BUZZES

Oh...! Fuck!

- Jess.
- Oh, snotty.

Sorry. Erm...
I thought you were Nick.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Why?

Do you want to be in me rock band?

You what?

# Let's start a riot

# We won't be quiet

# Riot women
gonna set this world on fire. #

Me rock band.
I'm going to form a rock band.

- Why?
- For fun. For the refugees.

There's a talent contest. The school
are organising a talent contest -

for the parents, not the nippers -
and I thought we could enter.

So I need you on board,
cos you can play the piano.

Hang on. What...?

Right, look... So, I went
to school assembly this morning

cos Rocco was being a tree -
he was very good, actually -

and it was all about
the refugee crisis.

Which one?

Oh, uh...

Ukraine? Syria? Yemen? Sudan?
One of them.

Anyway, it was all about,
"What can I do?

"What can I do to help?"

And then, Charlie, the head,
said that the parent governors

had decided on a talent contest.

- Why was Rocco a tree?
- A tree...
before an explosion and after.

It was heartbreaking.

Yeah... Well, it would be.

Yeah. So, anyway,
there'll be a bit of all sorts,

you know, like, erm...

- ..singing, stand-up, ventriloquism.
- Oh, really?
- And I thought...

..rock band. Why not? Steve left
his drum kit when he cleared off.

It's been going mouldy in the garage
for God knows how long.

And I've always fancied a crack.
So, erm...

So, I thought we could do a cover,
you know, like, uh...

Like, maybe ABBA? Waterloo,
something like that.

Take A Chance On Me.

I thought you said ROCK band?

Yeah, well, not ABBA.
I just thought it'd be easy.

Well, easier than...
you know, Nirvana.

But, Beth, it can be anything.

Anything we can get our heads
around.

Thank you.

- Sorry. How's your mum?
- The same. Just the same.

Oh, bless.

Anyway... Come on, lovely.
What do you think?

Oh, please say yes.
I could do with a bit of a laugh,

and I know you could.

Beth?

Beth, you still there?

# I'm only happy when it rains

# I'm only happy
when it's complicated

# And though I know
you can't appreciate it... #

- You all right, boss?
- Keep smiling.
- # I'm only happy when it rains

# You know I love it
when the news is bad

# Oh, why it feels so good
to feel so sad

# I'm only happy when it rains

# Pour your misery down

# Pour your misery down on me

# Pour your misery down

# Pour your misery down on me

# I'm only happy when it rains

# I feel good
when things are going wrong

# I only listen to the sad, sad song

# I'm only happy when it rains

# I only smile in the dark

# My only comfort
is the night gone black... #

- PHONE:
- Emergency.
Which service do you require?

# I'm only happy when it rains... #

SOUND MUFFLES

FAINT SIREN

You on a bass guitar? Oh, my
giddy God. Can I come and watch?

The more the merrier.
It's all in a good cause.

Can you actually play, though?

This lad said he'd lend me his
and give me a few tips.

And, you know,
if the worst comes to the worst,

I can just stand there looking cool,
jiggling about for 3.5 minutes.

- You won't look cool, though, Holly.
You'll look like a dick.
- Thank you.

- Who's on drums?
- Jess.
- Do I know her?
- Landlady down The Duke.

- Purple hair. Or is it green
at the moment?
- Oh!

I love her. She's off her nut.
She can play?

- She's...
- No.
- No.

But she reckons she knows somebody
who can play keyboard a bit.

Do you need a singer?

9-2-4-2, code six.

Cos I am properly crap at singing,
so it sounds like I fit right in.

We're not going to be crap.
We're going to be...

We're going to be OK. So you just
keep your negative nonsense

in a little box on a little shelf
inside your little head, all right?

Your sister's shit at singing
as well, so shall we both turn up?

- You all right, love?
- She's down here.

Somebody said she got hold
of a load of knives?

Yeah, they're still in
the packaging.

Right, well, can you clear the store
for me? I want everybody outside.

- She a regular, love?
Do you know her name?
- No. Sorry.

Oh...

SHE SIGHS

- PA SYSTEM:
- ..we appreciate your cooperation

and apologise for any inconvenience.
Thank you.

Hello, love. You all right?

Whoa. I'm going to need you
to put the knife down.

- SLURRING:
- You don't want
to be coming any closer,

- cos it's all broken glass all down
here.
- We can sort everything out.

But first things first,
I need you to put the knife down.

- What's your name, love?
- Whose?
- Yours.

- Why?
- Just asking.

How stupid.
What's she want to know my name for?

Just put the knife on the floor,
nudge it towards me,

- and then we'll deal with everything
else.
- What's happened, lovely?

Nothing. I just dropped me vodka.

OK, but you've been behaving
erratically,

- and people are concerned, so...
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- And you've clearly had a bit to
drink, so...
- I wasn't nicking it.

I was going to pay for it...
Do I look like a criminal?

- Is that what you think I look like?
- How many pills have you taken?

Seriously, none. They was Tic Tacs.

So, concentrate, I want you
to put the knife down,

because it's upsetting people.

I haven't got a knife.

You've got a knife in your hand.

Other hand.

- There it is.
- Oh...
- So, I want you to put it down

onto the floor gently,
and kick it towards me.

I would, but...

It's taken long enough to get this
little sod out of the package.

- What are you going to be needing it
for?
- Well, between you and me,

and the gatepost,

I've been having
a bit of a shit day.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I had some bad news last Tuesday...

And there was some more excrement
on top of that on Friday,

and there's just some other stuff
occurred this afternoon.

It's just...

..all gone downhill from there.

Well, we want to help you,
all right?

Nothing so bad that we can't
sort it out, so...

Yeah, well, you say that.
But you know fuck all, bitch!

- So, don't be so glib.
- Do you want to talk about it?

- Fucking hell...
- Are you all right?

- I'm having hot flush...!
- Oh, you're a bit young for that.

Oh, the fucking bastard
started early, didn't it?

Have you considered HRT?

- Ah!
- Drop the knife,
drop the knife. Let go!

- Drop it!
- Ah!

Uh!

Ah! Ah, you fucker! Oh...

Oh!

Ah!

I'm arresting you
for Section 5, Public Order.

You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defence

if you do not mention
when questioned

something you later rely on
in court.

Anything you do say may be given
in evidence. Do you understand?

9-6-7-5. We've got a 1-1-2 female.
No name.

SIREN WAILS

So, Princess Peach, you going to
tell me your real name?

Christ. You still here?

Just because the custody sergeant
wouldn't let you into his cells

with all that painkiller,
vodka cocktail inside you

- doesn't mean you're not still
under arrest.
- Oh, give me a break.

What are we waiting for now,
mental health?

I suppose so.

Where's the other fella?

Nisha? Gone home.
Her shift finished.

So did mine, but we tossed a coin
to see who got the pleasure,

- and, hey, I won.
- It's all wasted
on me, all this sarcasm.

- Do you want to know a secret?
- No.
- Today's my last day.

When I finally finish this shift,
if ever I do,

- that's me done, forever.
- Yeah?

30 years.

So what?

- Big fat pension?
- Well, hardly.

But a pension, yeah.

- Yeah, you paid off your mortgage?
- Almost.

My mum chipped in, so I was lucky.

And freedom... Well, I say freedom.
She's got dementia, so...

- You live with your mother?
- No, she's round the corner.

- What about yourself?
- What ABOUT myself?
- Today?

I'm not judging you.

From a police point of view,
I really don't give a toss.

I'm hoping when mental health
turn up, they'll advise me

you're not fit to be detained.
I'm just asking...

..as one menopausal woman
to another.

Well, I ain't got a mother,
cos she died when I were nine.

Ain't got a mortgage, either.

Are you...

..Kitty Eckersley?

As in your dad is Keith Eckersley?

Well, he was.

If he's alive.

Last I heard, he was in Spain.

If you're going to run a police
check on me, just do bear in mind

most of it's made up by you lot.

Wow.

Keith Eckersley...

So...

So, what about today, Kitty?

- What happened today?
- Change the fucking record.

Are you still feeling suicidal?

Well, I guess I'll be discussing
that with my mental health team.

If they ever show up.

- Jesus Christ.
- You going to be sick again?
- No.

Won't be doing karaoke
with this throat...

RHYTHMIC PIANO PLAYS

SHE PLAYS ABBA'S WATERLOO

- Oh, shut me up if I've said it
before.
- You've said it before.

No, but I can't stand to even listen
to the news any more.

- Mum, you say it every day.
- Do I?

- Every other day.
- No, but it's true, though, Jerry.

It started during the pandemic,
when we were all waiting to hear

how many people had died
the day before.

And then, one day,
I just switched it off.

Cos when you look at it, it's all
bombs, rocket attacks, refugees,

poverty, inequality,
exploitation, hunger,

anger, shootings, torture, hatred,
abuse, misery.

And you know what's behind it all,
Jerry?

- It's men.
- Yeah, Mum...
- Every time, men.

Mum, I'm going out tonight.
Can you look after the babies?

- We're not babies.
- And it's just getting worse.
- Mum?

Tonight? No, I'm busy.

It is. I agree, it's all men.

Doing what? Shut up, Jerry!

Oh, my God.
This band meeting, uh, practice.

Don't tell Jerry to shut up.

The band practice for this
charity bash. I have told you.

- You're not serious?
- Of course I'm
serious. In fact, I was going to ask

you if you can keep an eye
on Auntie Mary, Miranda.

- Why does somebody have to keep an
eye on me?
- Miranda?
- Yeah?

- Uh, sure, of course.
- Oh, my God.

Actually, I did have a panic attack
in the middle of the night thinking,

"Oh, blimey, what have I gone
and said I'll do now?"

But it'll be fine. It'll be fine.
And here's the thing, Jerry...

Men make wars,
women pick up the pieces.

- This is it.
- So,
Putin starts this war in Ukraine,

and you're going to sort it all out
by making a fanny of yourself

- in a talent contest?
- Correct.

Shit. Bet Volodymyr Zelensky
wishes he'd thought of that.

What a numpty.
Bet he's kicking himself.

You can take the mickey
all you like.

I'll be the one on the right side
of history.

Who's doing behind the bar
if you're doing that

and Miranda's keeping an eye
on Auntie Mary?

I don't need anyone
keeping an eye on me.

You are. You're on the rota.

I've just told you I'm going out.

- You haven't told us where.
- Like that's relevant.

- Your mum just likes to know where
you are, that's all...
- Oh, Jesus,

Jerry! You don't even live here!

- Don't get involved.
- Dyson's coming
round tonight, so me and him

can do the bar and
keep an eye on Auntie Mary.

- You do need keeping an eye on, Mary.
You go wandering.
- And the babies?

Why have you fixed up to go out
when you know you're on the rota?

You do know you can't just call up
your mates and be a band, don't you?

You do know
people spend years of their lives

learning to play an instrument?

And you do know that, traditionally,
there is talent involved?

It's for fun. It's for charity.
I don't need to be that good.

Well, she has got a point, though.

Probably do have to know what you're
doing just to sound, you know...

- ..bad.
- Well, I've got Beth,
she's musical.

- Which one's Beth?
- Beth. Old friend from school.

Actually, her mum and my mum
were at Greenham Common together.

And Auntie Mary,
she was there for four years.

They were going to change the world.

Yeah, look how that turned out.

- Right, I'm off.
- Oh, bye, Jerry.
- I'll see you when I see you.

- You drive safely, all right?
- See you, Jerry.
- See you later.

- Missing you already, Jerry.
Jerry-atric.
- Oh, my God...

- What have I said?
- She's kidding.
- I'm not.

- See you later.
- See you.
- See you, love.

Where'd you find 'em, Mother?

What's your band
going to be called, Granny?

Well, thank you, Rocco, for asking
such a lovely can-do question.

Well, so far, we're all women
of a certain age, so...

The Old Bags Department?

THEY LAUGH

See, I quite like that.

The Bim Bags?
Bimbo, bin bags. Get it?

Ooh. She's on fire.

INDISTINCT CHAT

Let it go, seriously.
She's miserable with everyone.

She's miserable
because her husband left her,

because her son
has a crush on his in-laws,

so she barely gets a look in,
even at Christmas.

And because
she's not getting any younger.

Oh, and her mother's got dementia,
so...

And just because
she's head of department,

don't run away with the idea
that she's some genius teacher

with a mad infectious passion
for the written word.

- The kids think she's a boring old...
- Oh.

- Morning, Beth.
- Morning.

- Morning.
- Morning, Beth.

BELL RINGS

Amy? You printed out
your worksheets?

Oh. Um...

- You made her cry.
- She's not three.

Or 16, even, or 17, or 23. She's 26.
She's got a master's degree.

I shouldn't have to point out every
morning that she has to print out

- her worksheet.
- Yes, but there are
ways of saying things.

On three occasions,
she's wasted valuable lesson time

because she's failed
to print out worksheets,

or printed out the wrong sheets,
twice.

Twice she's done that. I just simply
pointed it out, which is my job.

She might be 26 but you're...
twice her age?

More. And we have a duty of care.
YOU have a duty of care.

You interviewed her, you chose her.

I liked her. I still like her.
I just...

You have a responsibility
towards her.

And you have a duty of care to me...

..as well, in fact.

And I'm not too great right now.

It's a tonal thing, Beth.

I nearly killed myself last night.

I was there with a blue nylon rope.

I poured myself
a very large G&T.

I'd written a note to...

..to my son, Tom.

I had the thing around my neck.
I was ready to go.

And the phone rang, twice.

Can you believe that?

I'm like Uncle fucking Vanya,
I can't even kill myself properly.

What I'm going to do, Beth -
and this isn't to humiliate you,

and I don't want you
to hear it like that -

I'm going to ask Barnaby
to mentor Amy going forward.

It's a step up for him. It's one
less thing for you to worry about.

An apology wouldn't go amiss,

but I can see that might not be
where you are just now, just yet.

But...

Yeah, that's where we are now.

Do you think that women
of a certain age can become...

..you know, invisible?

I mean, seriously, can someone say,

"I nearly killed myself last night,"
and you don't even kind of hear it?

- Have you been to the doctor?
- What doctor?

- Your doctor?
- No.

Oh, well, a while ago.

He put me on antidepressants.

He said they won't work
for three months,

so I didn't bother with them.

I know you've had things
to deal with over the last year,

with your marriage and so forth,
and I sympathise with that, I do,

of course I do, but...

..there's only so many times
you can bring it into work with you.

And, Beth, you shouldn't exaggerate.

When did I exaggerate?

Not about self-harm.

I wonder why you think
I'm exaggerating.

Again, maybe it's the tone.

Let's keep talking.

And do remember our new policy

of maintaining
a community of trust.

Do you ever feel like you're living
in an alternative universe?

No.

SHE GASPS

Shit!

Kitty.

I made you some tea.
Come on, it's 1:30.

I need you to get moving.
I need you to be out of here.

- I feel like shit.
- Yeah, well,
let's get some breakfast inside you,

and then you need to get down into
Hebden Bridge and get on a bus.

- I need a shower.
- You can have another shower,

- and then you've got to get up to
the council offices in Halifax.
- Why?

We talked about this last night.

So they can sort you out
with a temporary address

and put you on a waiting list
for something more permanent.

You know it'll be like some shitty
infested bed and breakfast.

Only till you're eligible
for something more permanent.

In two years. Fuck that.

Yeah, obviously, it's better
if you can persuade a friend

to let you have a room
or a settee for a bit.

- Do you want some muesli?
- God, no.

- Tea?
- Thanks.

- Has it got...?
- 500 sugars? Yep. Come on.

One of your boys came in earlier
to find his shoes, Adam.

- Think I shocked him.
- Yep.

He's fit, isn't he?
Who'd he get that off, then?

So, I'm going out
in about half an hour

to see a fella about a guitar.

- So you need to get your backside
into gear...
- Do you know what?

- I'm all right. I'll stay here.
- No, Kitty.

I took you in cos all the hostels
were full last night,

and because I personally would never
see a woman who's bleeding

as heavily as you are,
who's just tried to end it all,

sleep on the street.

But I've got a house full
with both boys still at home,

and I need my settee,
I need my front room.

I've done what I can -
it was an emergency -

but you've got to help yourself now,
all right?

PHONE RINGS

- Mum, hi.
- These aren't my biscuits.

Sorry, bi...? What biscuits?

I wouldn't give this sort
cupboard space, so it's a mystery

how they got in here at all.

Right, I tell you what,
I'll be round in a bit.

I was in A&E all night with...

Anyway, I ended up doing overtime
and didn't get back in

- till 4:00 in the morning, so...
- It'll be that Veronica.

Anyway, I've told her
not to come again.

- I'm sick of her.
- She comes round to help you.

- She's just doing her job.
- I'm going
to put the chain on in future,

- and then she won't be able to
get in.
- No, Mum...

Well, I say I'll put the chain on.
You know, she can get through it.

- What do you mean?
- She brings a fella
in during the night,

and they have sex
in my little back bedroom.

- Sorry... What?
- Veronica.

- She doesn't.
- Oh, no, she does. I've heard them.

- What fella?
- Well, I don't know.
- Mum, why would Veronica

sneak into your house
in the middle of the night

- to have sex with a fella?
- Well, they'll be having a fling.

- Mum, she's...
- They can't go home if
they're cheating on their partners,

- can they? Think it through.
- She's a carer.

She's a professional carer,
she'd lose her job.

- She wouldn't do that.
- Says you.

Nobody can get into your house
at night

if you lock up properly, Mum.

Well, SHE can.

- Well, have you seen them?
- No. I hear them.
- Well, so...

- How do you know it's Veronica?
- I recognise her voice.

- Have you said anything to her?
- No.

She's a big woman.
What if she turns nasty?

- I'm coming round.
- When?

- Yeah, now.
- Oh, OK.

So, what are we doing
about these biscuits?

I'll deal with the biscuits.
See you later. Bye. Bye-bye.

Right, come on, shower. Whatever.

I need you to be
heading down to that bus stop,

cos I've got things to do.

- I mean now!
- Urgh!

I don't need another shower.

Fucking hell.

- Not with your shit shampoo.
- Cruelty-free shampoo.

And you do need another shower,
love.

I've got a bit of business to see to
myself, in fact, so no problem.

So grateful. "Thank you so much."
"No, the pleasure was all mine."

Ooh...

- Up, Kitty!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

LINE RINGS

- VOICEMAIL:
- Hi, this is Tom.
Please leave a message.

PHONE RINGS

You can fuck off.

Right, fuck it!

TYRES SCREECH

How are you, Miss?

- Calvin.
- Do you play?
- Guitar?
No. Do you?

Calvin, you know this morning

when you held open the door
for Aliyah and Jo,

quarter past eight this morning,

heading in through
the science block door?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Did you not see me

loaded with books and bags
just behind you?

- Was you?
- Yeah. Or did you see me
and think,

"Oh, whatever, she can manage"?

Or did you just not see me?

There's no wrong answers.
I'm just doing some research.

The last one, obviously.

Cos, of course,
I would've held the door open

for a lovely lady like yourself,
if I'd seen you.

I was less than ten feet away
and closing in.

Probably gazing at Aliyah's assets.

Course you were.

Sorry.

OK.

- I'd sell my granny's arse
for that Gibson.
- Mm.

Hello, hello.
You just looking, guys, or...?

I was thinking about buying
a new keyboard.

Sure, do you want to...? This way.

- Is it for yourself?
- For myself, yes.

Right, so we've got these models.
Start around the 350 mark.

Very popular with people
such as yourself.

I'm in a rock band. I need something
a bit more dangerous than that.

OK. What kind of...?

I was thinking of a more...
proper-big digital doo-dah.

- Oh, nice!
- Miss,
did you say you were in a band?

- Yeah.
- What sort of stuff do you play?

- Punk...ish, mainly,
that kind of vibe.
- Oh.

You don't normally get keys
and synths in punk bands.

Yeah, well,
we're kind of experimental.

Although Devo, the Screamers,
Atari Teenage Riot,

- yeah? Nice. Exciting.
- What's your band called, Miss?

Riot Women. We sing songs
about being middle-aged

and menopausal
and more or less invisible.

- Wow.
- Yeah. And you thought
the Clash were angry.

MUSIC: Weak
by Skunk Anansie

# Lost in time

# I can't count the words I said

# When I thought they went unheard

# All of those harsh thoughts
so unkind

# Cos I wanted you

# And now I sit here, I'm all alone

# So, yes, it's a bloody mess

# Tears fly home

# A circle of angels deep in war

# Cos I wanted you

# Weak as I am

# No tears for you

# Weak as I am

# No tears for you

# Deep as I am

# I'm no-one's fool

# Weak as I am

# Weak as I am

# Weak as I am

# Am, Am

# Weak as I am

# Am I too much for you?

# Weak as I am

# Am I too much for you?

# Weak as I am

# Am I too much for you?

# Weak as I am... #

CAR ALARM WAILS

SHE YELLS

- Hey, I'm calling the police
right now!
- Where are my things?!

- Did you hear me? I said I'm
calling...
- You call the fuckers,

it's 999. I want my things,

- you lying, two-faced bastard!
- I'm filming all this.

Think they might be interested
in your little...

SNIFFS

..habits...

- Shut the fuck...
- Oh, there she is.

There's your shit from
your grubby little shag pad.

Now, you stay away from my husband,
you two-bit whore!

Hey!

Arsehole!

# Weak as I am

# Weak as I am... #

You fucking disgust me.

Right, foot down, Fakir.

ALARM CONTINUES

Twat!

PHONE RINGS

- Tom.
- Oh, hi. How's it going?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- Um, thanks for calling me back.
- I didn't know I was.

Yeah, called you about an hour ago.

Ah, OK. Well, I was just ringing...
Hang on,

- what are you ringing me for?
- Well, I was just wondering about

whether you've heard anything
from the adoption services about...

- ..about your birth mother.
- Oh, er...

No, I've not heard anything, no.

- It's been four weeks.
- I know, yeah, but, er...

Well, they're probably
as short-staffed as everybody else,

aren't they? I WILL let you know,
Mum, if I hear anything.

Yeah, yeah, sure.
Obviously, I'd like to know.

Yeah, of course.

- OK, so...
- So...yes.

So, I was ringing you because

you know how we were coming over
for Sunday lunch

at the end of next month
on the 27th?

Yeah, for my belated Mother's Day.

Is it possible that we could push it
until the 17th of the month after?

We've been invited to an engagement
thing with Fern's friend Alicia.

Obviously, it's a big one-off thing
in Surrey, so...

And all of our Durham friends
will be there as well,

so if we miss it, we miss it,
whereas...

Yeah. I'm just going
to go now because...

..I've literally
just got back from work

- and I'm still sitting in the car.
- Oh, sorry.

- No, no.
- Well, look, let me know
when you get a minute, won't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I will, I will.

- Bye!
- Bye! Bye, bye, bye, bye.

- LAUGHS:
- No!

- You did well.
- That was really bad.
- You did well.
- No.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

DOG BARKS

Oh, hallelujah.

I just got your message just now,
and I was just passing, so...

I left that message at, like,
two o'clock this afternoon.

I've been stuck in theatre all day.

First with a woman
who came in with a cord prolapse,

then I had a woman with a retained
placenta after the cord snap,

and then I had a woman
with a third-degree tear.

Yeah, seriously. When I started
this job 200 years ago,

you delivered one baby at once. Now
I'm racing between three different

- women in three different
recovery rooms.
- And breathe.

- What's that for?
- Oh, this lad
I arrested a couple of months ago

lent me his bass.

Jess round The Duke asked me
to do this charity thing, so...

Just tell me about Mum.

So, yeah, so I went round to Mum's.

No sign of any break-ins
or anybody doing anything

they shouldn't be doing
in her back bedroom.

So I finally got to speak
to the doctor, and apparently...

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, hang on.

SHE CHUCKLES

- What?
- Aw!
- What?

Oh, just this guy I met...

- ..on my dating app.
- You didn't?

Yeah. Seen him a couple of times,
and, yeah, he's...

Still living with his wife?
Hung like a hamster?

- Collects bus tickets?
- He's all right.

Actually seems quite normal compared
to, you know, some of the others.

So, yeah, anyway, apparently,
this is one of the things

- that can happen
when they get dementia.
- What is?

You get people coming having sex
in your back bedroom?

No, they get auditory
hallucinations.

- Eh?
- Yeah. Look it up, nurse.

I deliver babies. Why would I know
anything about geriatrics?

They were slow when she said it.
I mean, she's deaf!

She couldn't hear if Veronica
was having sex with a giraffe

in her back bedroom,
never mind some fella.

Anyway, the point is,

for her, it's real.

And she's frightened.

And I know you don't want
to think about it, but...

..I'm wondering...

..if it's time
she came to live with one of us,

cos she's just not
coping properly...

SHE SIGHS

..any more.

Yvonne!

SHE EXHALES

- Do you want to be in a rock band?
- What?

MUSIC: The Passenger
by Iggy Pop

They're young, they're busy,
the world's their oyster,

I understand that. It would
just be nice once in a while

not to always be the one being
shuffled off onto the back burner

again. And I know it's silly,

but I worry he might
not tell me,

even if his birth mother
did get in touch with him.

- Well, why wouldn't he?
- Oh, I don't know.

To protect my feelings,
I can imagine him saying.

I just...

What?

I worry she'd be such a novelty,

and he'd be so taken up with her
that...

Oh, come on, she might be a novelty
for five minutes.

Why shouldn't he have a relationship
with her if that's what he wants?

I just sometimes feel that

they've all had the best of me
for years.

And now that I've got nothing left
to give, I'm dispensable.

I'm boring and dispensable.

No, you're not. Oh, come on.
Look, whoever the hell she is,

- she's not going to replace you,
Beth.
- Sorry.

Going on.

Hey, I've got a secret.

- You have? Have you?
- Just the one.

SHE CHUCKLES

OK.

I bought a subscription
to these online drumming lessons

about six or seven months ago,
and they're really good.

It's all pre-recorded,
so, you know,

you don't have to talk to anyone
or anything.

And I play with these,
like, dampener pads on the heads

so no-one can actually hear me
in the garage.

- So you can already play?
- Yeah. Well, you know, badly.

Yeah. So when they mentioned
the talent contest, I thought,

"This is it. This is my chance
to come out the closet."

I can be as bad as I like,

and everyone will actually think
I've done quite well,

considering I've only been at it
a few short weeks.

- Let's have a look.
- Come on, then.

COMPETENT DRUMMING

SHE LAUGHS

- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Why is that a secret?

Can't exactly practice in the house,
can I?

Auntie Mary'd think
the aliens had landed.

- You should, though.
- It's not that.

It's all the smart-arse comments
I get from bloody Chloe

whenever I try and do anything
a bit different.

She's so rude about Jerry.
Honestly, bless him.

I mean, I know he's a bit
bloody ordinary, but so am I.

Oh, Chloe. Tell her to fuck off.

I know.

I do!

Now and then.
It doesn't make any difference.

- You're not ordinary, by the way...
Ooh!
- Steady.

Far from it. I...

Bit weird,
but I remembered something today.

I was in a music shop in Leeds,
and it all came back.

Years ago,
I bought an electric guitar.

I was in the sixth form, I think
you must have just dropped out.

I had a Saturday job
and I saved 120 quid,

and I bought an electric guitar
and a little amp,

and I had completely forgotten
I'd done that.

Hang on, so...so you can play?

Oh, no, no!
No, I didn't persevere.

I don't even remember what happened
to it. I must have sold it.

I could never fathom the manual,
beyond the basics,

and it never occurred to me to get
lessons. But I had that desire.

And so did you, didn't you?

Way back then. Why do you think
we never talked about it?

- We listened to enough music.
- It would've been all right

- if we were lads. If we'd have been
lads, it'd have been cool.
- Jess...

I bought a keyboard this afternoon,
a serious keyboard.

- Seriously?
- Mm.
- Oh, my God.
Was it expensive?

Mmm...

I thought, "Fuck it. Why not?"

I've been so low lately.

With, uh, Mum,

and Martin deciding
to bugger off for some reason

that's never been clear to me.

And Tom and work. But this...
this really fired my imagination.

This really made me think, "Yes!"

For the first time
in longer than I care to remember,

a buzz of something
not unlike actual joy.

Oh, babe!

- Can I say something, though?
- Yeah, yeah.

I'm not sure about Waterloo.

Oh, we don't have to do Waterloo.

I think we could
do something much angrier.

Something more about us.

Women like us who are
where they are in the world,

and then suddenly,
all this nonsense happens

- that they never even saw coming.
- Yeah.

- Difficult parents.
- Oh, my God, Auntie Mary.

Midlife crisis husbands. And your
child's still doing your head in.

- Still.
- And then the menopause.
- Oh, fucking menopause!

Tearful at every tiny stupid thing.
The anxiety, the brain fog.

- Yeah.
- And in the middle
of all that...

- ..you become invisible,
even to yourself.
- You're right.

- Even when you're screaming and
shouting, you're invisible.
- I know.

- How does that happen?
- I don't know. Mad.

Just when you thought
you'd got traction in the world,

just when you finally think,
"I've got it sorted."

- I know.
- So I think, whatever we do,

we should do it with attitude.

We can do whatever we want.

PHONE RINGS

Hang on. Miranda.

- Miranda!
- Where have you gone, Mum?

There's a couple of ladies
asking after you at the bar.

- Right, OK. They're here.
- Oh!
- Woohoo!

- Come on. Come on.
- Oh!

- Oh! Hiya, Beth.
- Chloe, you look...

Don't wait up.

- Another new fella?
- God knows.

- Thank you.
- You getting this round in?

- Yeah, I'll get this one.
- Cool.
- £12.50 a round...

- Jess?
- Yes?
- We're the singers.

- I'm Nisha.
- Ahhh!
- Hiya!
- Fantastic!

- Aww! Yeah, this is my sister, Kam.
- Hi!

- Hiya, hi. This is Beth. Beth?
- Hiya.

Beth's playing piano. Keyboards.
And these are friends of Holly's.

Holly's playing bass. You've not met
Holly yet. So you work with Holly?

- I do, yeah. Kam's a hairdresser.
- Hi.

And we're both tone-deaf,
so we're going to nail it.

- Oh, yeah. We do owt for a laugh.
- You're tone-deaf?

- SINGING BADLY:
- # Waterloo,
couldn't escape if I wanted to

- # Dah-dah-dah-dah
- BOTH, OUT-OF-TUNE:
- # Waterloo! #

- Well...
- # My fate is to be with you... #

..I had a thought about that,
actually, in fact.

What I was wondering was,
instead of doing Waterloo,

- we could sing something else.
- Yeah.
- Like what?

Well, um, for instance,
I was thinking of...

SISTERS SQUEAL

Here she is!

- Hiya!
- The newly retired lady of
leisure, Holly Gaskell! Brrrrap!

- Get out the champagne, Miranda.
- No, no, no.

Oh, yes, yes. Come on, 30 years!
It's the end of an era.

You can't retire from the force
without a glass of champagne.

- We've got it all ready.
- Not for me. I'm gas intolerant.

I've brought Yvonne, my sister.

She did guitar years ago
when we were young, so...

- Hello.
- Hello.
- Right, Beth, Holly, Yvonne.

- YVONNE:
- So what's the plan, exactly?

Need to know what nights
you're rehearsing, how long for.

Cos I've got
a lot of other commitments.

Also, when is this event?

- Um...
- And have you got someone
who can actually sing?

Cos that's the key to something
like this.

They don't want someone who can
sing, they want someone who's shit!

Well, hang on,
we don't want someone who's shit.

We just don't mind
if they aren't perfect.

I thought it was
a lack-of-talent contest.

- Lack-of-talent contest?!
- What she said.

No, that was a joke.
It's a...it's a talent contest,

but it's local, so it'll all
probably be a bit, you know, shit.

- But that's all I meant.
- And we're performing what?

- BOTH:
- Waterloo!
- Let's get it on the karaoke.

- Can we turn the karaoke on, Jess?
- No, no, no. It's board games night.

This lot'll panic and clear off
if they think it's karaoke night.

We're not rehearsing,
we're not having a boogie?

No, no, we're just discussing.

- I-I, er...
- MIRANDA: Here you go,
bubbles, Mum.
- ..can I suggest...

- Champagne? Champagne?
- Ooh.

Can I just suggest that we don't
get too hung up on Waterloo?

What I was wondering was

whether we shouldn't cover something
a bit edgier.

- I like Waterloo.
- Oh, it's a good pop song.

But if you're talking about
being in a rock band,

then surely you want to be
doing something a bit more...

- More, um...
- Yeah. I mean,
wouldn't it be kind of cool if we...

..if we could do...

Well...

Well, what is the ultimate
rock and roll song?

- Ooh, er...
- Oh, God.

- Ultimate rock and roll song?
- Pass.

Is it Smoke On The Water?
Layla? Back In Black?

- All Night Long?
- Edge Of Seventeen?

It Smells Like Teen...Armpit?

SISTERS LAUGH

Satisfaction!

I'm talking about Satisfaction.
Can you imagine Satisfaction

sung by women,
women of a certain age -

well, most of us -
isn't that interesting?

- Yeah.
- I'd do anything.

As long as I know
which strings to twang...

- Pluck? Pick? Pickle?
YVONNE:
- Hang on, Satisfaction?

Think it through, the words.
It's all wrong.

- We can't sing that.
- Why not?
- We're women.

- So what? It's funny
BECAUSE we're women.
- Is it?

- Oh.
- Well, poignant, then.
Like we're still up for it.

I think it's funny and poignant.

But not nearly as funny as a bunch
of 80-year-old blokes singing it.

- No, you don't, it's stupid.
- It's not stupid, it's...!

It's challenging.

It's a suggestion.

Look, if we don't want to do
Waterloo, why don't we do...

Ring, Ring. Honey, Honey.
Money, Money, Money.

Ooh! # Gimme, gimme, gimme... #

- Voulez-Vous!
- That's still
kind of missing the point

I was trying to make
about edgier, but, um...

Is it meant to be edgy, though?
Is it not just meant to be a laugh?

Sure. I'm just suggesting

that we can be edgy
if we choose to be.

Let's just stick with Waterloo,
for God's sake.

I need to know dates, I need to know
what nights you're rehearsing,

where, how long for,
and the date of the actual thing.

Yeah. Let's not try
and actually enjoy ourselves, eh?

What, by being angry?

Yvonne just likes
to pin things down.

Be clear about dates.
It's her way of enjoying herself.

Sure. Well, I've got things I could
be doing myself this evening.

I just don't think
we should be doing Waterloo

just because it's the first thing
that Jess thought of,

which she admits
might not be the right thing.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
Champagne?

- No, I'm driving.
- Oh, right, OK. So, look,

I think the date the PTA are working
towards is the 17th of next month.

But why is she... Why are you
even here, Yvonne, is it?

If all you care about is how much
this is going to inconvenience you?

Because I don't like letting people
down at a later date

if I haven't established
all the facts in the first place.

Thought that was
a bit of a no-brainer.

Sorry, can I just say...

Congratulations to Holly!

HOLLY CHUCKLES

No, 30 years of public service!
Come on!

Cheers, sweetheart.
It's amazing. Amazing.

- Thanks. Not awkward at all.
YVONNE:
- Fine, whatever.

Let's sing a song that makes us
all look like lesbians.

- God's sake...
- I don't mind
looking like a lesbian.

- I am a lesbian.
- I don't mind looking like a lesbian.

She is a lesbian, actually.

Right, OK. Tell you what, Jess,

you phone me when you have decided
what we're doing.

Because I've got a pile of marking
that I need to be doing.

- So I'll see you later.
- Beth... Oh, Jesus!

Beth, I'll ring you. I'll call you.

- DISTANT SINGING:
- # Mine is forever

# Might last a day, yeah

# Mine is forever

# When they get what they want

# And they never want it again

# When they get what they want

# And they never want it again

# Go on, take everything

# Take everything, I want you to

# Go on, take everything

# Take everything, I want you to

# And the sky was all violet

# I wanna get more violent,
more violent

# And I'm the one with no soul

# One above and one below

# Might last a day, yeah

# Mine is forever

# Might last a day, yeah

# Mine is forever

# When they get what they want

# And they never want it again

# They get what they want

# And they never want it again

# Go on, take everything

# Take everything, I want you to

# Go on, take everything

# Take everything, I dare you to

# I told you from the start

# Just how this would end

# When I get what I want

# And I never want it again

# Go on, take everything

# Take everything, I want you to go

# Go on, take everything

# Take everything, I want you to

# It's my life

# All mine, all mine

# Go on, take everything

# Take everything, take everything

# Take everything! #