All language subtitles for Les.Rois.Mages.2001.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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Behold three wise men...

Melchior!

Behold three wise men came
from the east to Jerusalem

saying, "Where is he that is born
king of the Jews?

"We've seen..."

Melchior.

"We've seen his rising star

"and have come to worship him."

A great emotion came over King Herod
and all of Jerusalem.

My name is Gaspar,

king of Meroë and Albasabir.

I came to Bethlehem
to worship the son of God.

My friends and I were in a stable.

One of them was

Balthazar, king of Nippur
and Balaad Singar.

I saw the cradle
wherein lay the Son of Man,

then all went dark.

My memory stops there.

I know not how I've come
to this time and place.

My God. A miracle.

I have but one desire.

Find the Messiah, king of the Jews,

before Winter solstice.

The world is in great danger
if I fail.

Melchior,

prince of Palmyre and Behiva...

And other lands, whose mention

would be tedious.

We will help you.

We know your Messiah
and like his teaching.

We'll help you get back.

Here, this may be useful
in your travels.

Thank you.

Balthazar! Balthazar!

Leave us this, you go to Bethlehem.

You can keep this.

- Deal.
- Thank you.

You OK?

- Going to be sick?
- No, a wise man fears no wonders.

Do me a favor, wise man, take this.

We're flying!

THE MAGI

You want mine?

I wouldn't deprive you!

Go ahead. I feel generous.

Thank you. I'll treasure it.

You're different.

Like your eyes,
which harbor strange sorrow.

Stop. I won't talk about me.
I'd rather say nothing.

Silence is a woman's jewel.

Though she wears it rarely.

My dad lives in New York.

I sometimes met a woman,
always in a hurry,

who asked me about school.

I realized she was my mother.

More champagne, please.

- Great artistry.
- No, commercials.

I'm an actress, at the Conservatoire.
Not bad, huh?

Conservatoire.

Only thing I've ever done right.

I'm such a chatterbox.

If you are, so was Diogenes.

Friend of yours?

Someone who sought a man, like me,
pure of heart, like you.

A come-on.
You want to marry an heiress?

I have 18 wives and 30 children.

Or I'd have given 10 camels for you.

Maybe even some asses.

A real sweet talker.

- Badge. Present.
- Badge?

Present.

A welcome gift.
May Saturn repay you.

Take this in exchange.
It's good luck.

Hey, you get lost?
Please excuse him.

Hermes himself sent you!

I'm going to Bethlehem.
Show me the way?

Sure. Your little friends
will show you.

Keep it moving.

Shit. What's he doing here?

Some men were to take care of me.

- Who brought him?
- I'm Gaspar,

king of Meroë and Albasabir.
I'm awaited urgently in Judea.

Ready horses and fetch food, woman.

Hurry!

Let's not waste time.

Come along, that's right.

Go do your act elsewhere,
find a YMCA.

Sell charms in the street,
but leave us alone.

Your bile is up, from menstruation.

Gather valerian and passiflora.

Thanks, Swami.

You must get off, sir.

No, I'm going to Judea.

Tel Aviv? Then you're in transit.

Don't worry about my transit, slave.
I can wait.

Your plane leaves in three days.

Three days?

Are you sure?

Sir! You forgot this.

Macha.

Not in Israel?

You forgot your portrait.

Thanks, but keep it. I have plenty.

This present is...

Clumsy. Here.

Generous Macha. Come with me,

and be blessed by the Son of Man.

Are you delirious?

Have I fever?
I am Balthazar, king and magus!

That's not funny.
And I'm sorry, but...

wasn't Balthazar black?

No, by Hesiod. You're thinking of...

Gaspar!

King of Meroë and Albasibir.

Balthazar, king of Nippur
and Balaad Singar.

Brother, my joy knows no bounds.

Bless you. Have you seen Melchior?

Alas, no. But allow me
to introduce a woman...

Come on, you're my pal.

24, 25. Good. Let's go.

You're taking us to Bethlehem?
You're airplane has no wings.

Right, sure. Go sit down.

Goodbye, pal!

- Are we near Bethlehem?
- Alas, no.

We're near Paris,
metropolis of boreal climes.

The chicken goes peck peck,

The duck goes quack quack.

The pig goes oink oink,

and fish not a thing.

My amazement flies
from object to object.

How to tire of such marvels!

Pardon me, coachman,

how do you advance without horses?

Plenty of horsepower. 150!

They're hidden under the hood.

And don't you wear your badge?

A lovely framework!

Finished, it'll be splendid!

We must find shelter.

Good man,

your home is modest.
Can you lodge us tonight?

What? You can't sleep here.

Where then? The sun sets.

I don't know. Try the Ritz!

Thank you.

Here's the recommended place.

- A modest palace, but...
- Pleasant.

Noble lord, can you oblige us

one night under your roof?

Of course, gentlemen.

One room or two?

Generous! One will suffice for both.

Fine. Credit card please?

We heed not the cards, but a star.

Cash?

- Nothing to hide.
- No cache.

Wait a second.
How are you going to pay?

Pay?

Do you mean to insult us?

A guest is sent by God;
you must respect him.

I see.

Sorry, no vacancy.

- But...
- Please.

Come, Gaspar.

Let us leave.

- Salaam alechem.
- Alechem salaam.

If you are master,

be aware your people
received us very poorly.

How do you speak

the pure tongue of our ancestors?

I am Gaspar, king of Meroë.

Sardalaches begot Merodachus,
who begot me.

I am Balthazar, king of Nippur.

May destiny favor you.

Stay, brothers, whoever you are.

May the insult be expunged.

What luck. A room just opened up.

This cupboard contains ointments.

J and B.

Must be jasmine and bergamot.

The office is small,
but the papyrus very fine.

In any case, our host
is extremely generous.

True.

A malt distillate. Perfect!

The meal was rather frugal.

We've walked much. We must sleep.

You're right.

Incandescent metal
enclosed in a glass case.

Clever blacksmith!

Tomorrow we shall find Melchior.

An ingenious people.
But are they any wiser?

A child may be a genius.
He is still a child.

Peace unto your bed.

May Hypnos watch over you.

I've seen here in one day

more riches than befit a prince.

But all these lights
obscure the sky.

How do you see the future?

Beddy-bye, pal.

Beddy-bye.

Pressing all the numbers is amusing.

Let Destiny guide us.
If Melchior's here, we'll find him.

Salaam alechem!

We're going on a boat!

- This cruise Galley goes to Judea?
- Yes, on the boat.

You OK, pal?

If only I had a sign.

My pal.

Come here, you.

Me? Why? I didn't do anything.

- What are you up to?
- Just taking a walk.

Samaritan, you dropped this.

No way. I dropped nothing.

I saw you.

Let's see that.

Hail, my galley's leaving.

Stay right there.

Don't listen to him.
He's with the retards.

I never saw that package.

What is this crap? M&M's.

M&M's? That asshole.

What?

I mean...

Must be my little brother's.
I guess I just forgot.

Maybe it's his birthday.

- Should I thank someone?
- Enough.

OK, let's go.

- Gentlemen.
- Legionaries.

Fuck, I'm dead.

Why fret? These M&M's are tasty.

I wanted another color, retard.
More flavorful. Get it?

Not "Retard."
Melchior, prince of Palmyre.

Young samaritan, may I help you?

I'm fucking sunk.

No, the boat won't sink,
but it's not mine.

The Universal Architect
put you on my path.

Could you do me a big favor?

Name it.

Let's go, bets!
One'll get you two.

Turn the card over, lucky.

Turn it over. He won, I pay out.

Not like Lotto.

Double your money.
Here we go, place your bet.

One will get you two.

Where's the red king?

Go ahead!

Turn it over.

You'll make it back.

Let him make his bed. We're pros.

No cheating. Watch carefully.

Better than Lotto. I pay cash.

Here's the red, here it is.

- Where is it?
- There.

Who else?

- Go ahead.
- No, it's there.

Too late.

You looking for trouble?

No, only to play!

And you play badly. Look.
Watch the king.

It's simple. There are 3 kings.

Now where's the red king?

It's there.

I bet there too.

The king is there.

You lost. I won!

- They're cops.
- Think so?

Gentlemen, we've just begun!

Stay!

Balthazar, let's play.

My stomach yearns for food.

Let's mingle with these beggars.
We'll eat.

These etchings are well made.

Hail, young MacDonald.

Would you grace us
with some nourishment?

To stay or to go?

You want a Mac, you pay.

Alas, how can we?

What's that?

We can pay with icons?

Yeah.

Give us as many "Mac's"
as these will buy. We're famished.

To stay or to go?

What is this?

A feast fit for a king!

Come on, are you wacko?
We have to go.

Aren't you hungry?

No, later.
Don't worry, there's lots of pigeon.

Promise we will feast, Samaritan.

Promise. And I'm not from Samaria.

- We're late.
- What is this?

My watch.

Tells time with no sun?

It uses batteries.

I must have one! Where?

- We have no time.
- I must!

Take mine.

We got to make tracks!

- May Saturn thank you!
- OK, OK.

It's a fake I ripped off.
It's almost 4.

And my fake reads 3:37!

Climb on.

On what?

- I am sated.
- Me, too.

What sum for how many Mac's?

We'll calculate as we walk.

Money is easily made here.

An innocent game feeds a family.

Verily, there is no poverty.

Getting off on this?

Must take years
to master this machine!

Take a look inside?

No time, woman.

- It's hot inside.
- We're not cold.

- Want a drink?
- A drink?

Yes. I've papyrus tongue.

Follow me.

- Gracious of you.
- No problem.

Have a nice time.

Hail!

May Heaven protect you, virgins.

Draw some water from your well.

Sorry, guys. Only champagne.

Water is scarce in our land too.
Champagne.

Your abode is well decorated.

Hey, baby. Buy me a drink?

How crass of me.
Cupbearer, serve them all!

You married?

I've 18 wives of solid leg
and tail wide as yours.

I guess your husband is away,

and you miss a man's touch.

You got it, sugar.

You're thirsty. Want mine?

Judging by your warmth,
you must all be widowed.

What pleasure
to assuage your loneliness.

Alas, we have a mission.

- Perhaps...
- The mission!

Forget it. My glass is empty.

And I didn't drink.
Come on, one more for the road.

For the road!

I don't know if you were told.
You better pay now. Shake a leg.

But we aren't sheiks! We're kings.

So what's your name?

Gaspar, king and magus.
And this is Balthazar.

And we must find Melchior

and watch for the Messiah's sign.

Great. First pay Joan of Ark.

Yeah. 3,500 smackers.

What say you?

3,500 francs.

174 Mac's and 2 fries! Are you daft?

In an unknown land, marry the witch!

This should cover it.

And then some!

You bozos come in with no scratch?

- Scratch?
- Pay up or else.

Dumb broad, you let towel heads in?

- An ambush!
- Like bandits in Al-Rezair.

I emasculate beetles at 30 paces.
Try me?

I won my kingdom. Come see how!

Let it go.

Joan is right.
Let us go and we'll forget it.

OK, OK. Back to your camels.

Don't come back.
Get broads somewhere else!

Bullshit.

Assholes!

Get out of here, wackos!

The hyena eats but carcasses!

This broad steals
honest people's scratch!

- You got it?
- Don't worry. I understand.

You can't be there
to welcome your cousin home.

I give him a gift,
he gives me one in return. Simple.

Don't say what it is. A surprise.

What wonder is this?

What are you doing?

I want a moving stair.
Where can I rip one off?

We'll miss Aziz!

It's only 3:57.
Ah, 58.

Relax, don't freak out.

Now, about my cousin,

he's kind of weird,
shaved head,

cold at first, not nice, but...

Appearances are deceiving.

Got the place?

- I'm going.
- How will I find you?

Don't worry, I'll find you. Later.

Very well.

Come, Balthazar.

We shall find nothing here.

Here we are.

The solstice approaches.
Melchior awaits us elsewhere.

If only we had a sign.

Look. It's Macha.

I'll be back.

Hail, Alan...

Alain Railinfo.

We're going to Bethlehem.

This is a railway station,
not an airport.

But this is the home of Lazarus?

The Gare St. Lazare, yeah.

Where can I see your master?

Try St. Anne's asylum.

The prophetess? Where is she?

Someone should take you soon.

Good. Thank you for your help.

Some real weirdos this year.

Thank you, good man.

Macha!

Gaspar, king of Meroë and Albasabir!

Melchior!

Prince of Palmyre,
Devli, lovely Behiva,

and other provinces,
whose mention would be tedious.

- The Eternal guides us!
- His power is great.

Have you seen Balthazar?

Just now. Let's go find him.

I must help a young Carthaginian.
It won't take long.

- Assist me?
- Agreed.

Fuck.

Is this a clown convention?

That must be him.
He fits Jo's description.

My homey's homey is my homey.
Have a good voyage?

Get away. I don't know you.

No. Cool out.
I know you don't await me.

I'm not waiting for anyone. Move it.

I've been waiting for you.
Let me explain.

But first, this is Gaspar,
sage of sages.

Health be your companion.

Hey, Frick and Frack,
take it elsewhere!

You're confused.
We're not Frick and Frack.

But you are Aziz.

Jo sent me in his stead.

- Why didn't he come?
- He couldn't.

He's very sorry.

He didn't say you'd be three.

Why? That a problem?

For you. There's only one gift.

Enough.

How do I know I'll like it?

I think you'll like it,
if you like M&M's.

Any problem, I can find Jo.

Fine. He'll gladly assist you.

Let's split.

I feel human nature
has grown more kind.

Does the leopard change spots?

It worked!

I must give him this, but how?

- What did he say?
- That he'd find me.

Then let's find Balthazar.

You're right.

Shit, where are they?

It's very clear.

We are here.

And her name is Macha?

We'll find someone who knows her.

Let's go.

Excuse me.

She did say the Conservatoire?

Get off here. It's not far.
Just ask.

Thank you both.

How can I express my thanks?

- Better hurry.
- Yes.

May God grant you long life,
happiness and progeny.

Again you scream and moo.

And when you know the rest,
what then?

Then what profit have I in life?

Why not hasten
o'er that bitter precipice?

In touching earth,
all my pain shall perish.

Better to die at once
than suffer daily.

Excellent choice, Macha!

lo, loved by Zeus, turned into a cow.

You have this noble ruminant's grace.

But go on, please.

Pardon me.

It wasn't to shock you.

Your Aeschylus is rather unusual.

What do you want from me?

You're our guide, sent by Heaven.

OK, what are you looking for?

The infant King.

Jesus?

Sorry, I can't help you.

Macha, you are our sign.

You lead the way.

Leave me alone! You're nuts.

Jesus died 2000 years ago.

He was crucified.

Crucified?

Right. Heard enough?

Crucified...

Are you all right?

A witness! It's his fault!

They crucified Him.

- It's the shock.
- It's not my fault.

Crucified...

He just ran out and...

Shut your trap and get in your car!

Crucified?

What?

They're not my M&M's.

Deal with it. I need my 20 thou.

Like it's my fault?

I cut you in on a deal,
and I bankroll it.

Now get my 20 thou by Friday.

Cool out. 20 less my cut.

Next time, you go.

I can't take risks. I got a future.

I'm a future star, man.

- Near future, drop me off?
- Sure.

I got an errand.
You can help me cut it short.

I want to get in an out.

Hey, after all you've done for me.

It's Mom. Hope it went OK with Dad

and you're at school.

Give me a call, I'd like that.

Watch the news tonight.
I have a new hair-do.

I'd really like your opinion.

Well, big kisses.

That's all I have.
My dad doesn't have many books.

He is risen; he's among us.

Yeah. Told you it works out.

Yes, but... crucified.

No doctor? How about a Valium?
Or I take you home?

Alas, I don't know the way.

OK. Try to remember.

Big house, lots of men

dressed in white, taking care of you?

Not getting a picture?

Yes, I miss my palace, but...

Thank you for your hospitality,
but I must find my companions.

Sure, I see.

- Keep it, really.
- Oh, thank you.

One minute.

Hail, Macha. I am Gaspar,
king of Meroë,

and Melchior, prince of Palmyre...

And provinces whose mention
would be tedious!

Come in!

Balthazar!

- Melchior!
- Together again!

- Destiny aids us.
- What joy!

How'd you find me?

Easily! By following the signs.

A dove landed on a roof,
a dog howled...

And we used these writings.

The luminous Macha.

By Anaximander, her beauty

could move a eunuch.

How sweet.

I have important revelations.

Wait.

You're not hoping to stay here?

Don't fret.
We'll sleep in this pantry.

It's nothing against you, but...

I can't do this Magi thing.

I just can't, OK?

It's like Candid Camera.

- You get it or not?
- You're our guide.

No, I'm not your guiding star.
It's in your minds.

We met by chance,

fine, and now it's over.

There is no chance.

Alcmaeon proved it amply.

Lifting my arm is no chance.

An effect of a cause

resulting of an infinite chain
of cause and effect.

He always like this?

He hasn't changed in 2000 years.

As Democritus is my witness,

- all is fruit of destiny.
- All!

Whence this gentle chime?

Hey, princess,

I left you lots of messages.
You don't want to see me?

Crucified?!

Company?

Come in. We have to talk.

I can't. My friend's mom
is in the hospital.

Come in, don't be shy.

Hi. About my mom, it's not serious.

Resuscitated!

Well, bye. See you later
with Fredo's friends. It'll be fun.

Here. A present.

That's what I wanted to say.

I'm laying off it.

- It's a present.
- Are you deaf?

Sorry, we better go.

My mom's really sick.

Tell yours I said hi.

- Right.
- Bye, princess.

By the Universal Architect...

What? Come on, let's go.

...once again many people
will be alone Christmas Eve.

This is a growing problem
in modern cities.

A recent survey
shows that 28% of the population

suffers from loneliness.

I pressed this.

This is my mother.

You can stay. It's no bother.

Macha,

we've abused your kindness.

Ado.

Bye.

May the stars protect you.

And your soul be joyful.

Wait.

You hungry, by any chance?

Well, not by chance. You see?

How about roasting these pigeons?

Want to taste, Macha?

Delectable!

If Jesus weren't in this city,
why would destiny bring us here?

- Impeccable logic.
- Clear as day!

Macha, don't you see it's destiny?

What I see, is three nut jobs
who are hallucinating.

That's what I see.

Is that all? And the elephant?

Elephant?

What elephant?

Look at me. Look well.

This one.

Oh, fuck. What is this?

You saw, yet it is an illusion.

If you can see what isn't there,
you may not see what is.

Incredible.

A simple magus trick.

Well, simple for some.

Balthazar, please.

I'm not very gifted.

A fig doesn't ripen overnight.
Practice.

- I want to see.
- Now?

Be indulgent, friends.

What happened?

Macha? Not very good, was it?

It's nothing. I'm just tired.

Going to rape me?

No, I'm kidding.

Don't leave.

Tomorrow, we...

She is our guide.

Are you quite sure?

We shall speak tomorrow.

- Got a problem with that?
- No.

Not at all.

Just remember...

What's going on here?

The curtain.

Sheila, I know how you feel
about this child.

So I'm asking you,
what's holding you back?

Holding me back?

What's going on?

Where is Macha?

Macha, are you all right?

Quiet, your mistress is ailing.

And the cleaning?

It's a pig sty out there.

Forget the cleaning.
Go do the shopping.

My husband's not here to help carry.

All right, I get it.

I overflow with perplexity.

So am I. Can Pamela marry Bobby?

Bobby is too naive
to see through Stephen's trick.

Is Stephen lying to Sandy's sister?

That's what Sandy wants.
She's in love with Bobby. Get it?

Another one. Worse than Pokemon.

Here, be nice and help me.

- What is it?
- Shopping list.

Shopping list.

- Nicely written.
- Yes.

Where is the man named Mr. Clean?

I need Ariel anti-lint.

Ariel anti-lint?

How about new Vizir?

It goes to the heart of laundry.

Vegetable oil, Orangina...

Now all I need is the asswipe.

We meet again.

Jo! My heart makes a thousand leaps.

I get off!

I'm frosted.

I saw. I hope you have
my cousin's gift.

I've kept it safely. Here.

He said he would find you
if there was a problem.

That's great news.

I've found my friends.
Come and meet them.

No, I got a plane to catch.

See you soon?

No, I'm going to the sticks.

If you're traveling, please,

take this ring.

Keep it always for luck.

It belonged to the grandson
of Alcibius I, the Just.

In person!

Thank the whole family.

And Jo, I still have the fake.

It's 10:07.

- Pin number.
- I forgot it.

Ah, I remember.

4931. Easy to recall.

The 42nd 4-digit primary number.

And its square is remarkable. Why?

Say it louder.
Everyone will know.

Balthazar, can I push?

No, it's my turn!

You pushed it before!

Just a little?

These stools are reassuring, Macha.

A tinder hue tinged with emerald.

- Supple, but not sticky.
- Stop. I'm OK.

The center crumbles,
an aroma of rhubarb and egg.

What do you think?

My feeble olfactory sense
is of no use.

- Yes.
- Trouble finding the sickness?

No sickness,
only sick people.

Or medicine has no meaning.

Would you like a Tuc?
They were on sale.

Or these? Delicious.

No, I'm not hungry.

I'd like to rest now please.

Good. Diet and rest
is good medicine to you.

What should we do now?

What?

I may know someone.

Time is short.

We have until winter solstice.

The world's in peril
if we don't find Him.

Find little Jesus?

- Macha Linsky sent you?
- Yes.

First, I suggest you go all the way.

The principle of immersion,

so you're quickly
confronted with reality.

We've got a long way to go.

People, we are the Magi.

We have a mission.

- Where is Jesus?
- Here's our address.

Do you know Jesus?

Do you know Him?

I was fascinated by my father's
goodness and clemency.

He abolished the stake
and quartering.

Thanks to him, the choice is
hands cut off or life in prison.

What a man.

My dad.

You can climb the ladder
to reach level 7,

the top, which gives you
supreme autonomy, permanent joy.

It's completely free of charge.

You simply buy our manual,
for the symbolic sum of 9,500 francs.

1,500 euros.

How much in Mac's?

My older sister Sybilla

initiated me in the myriad
pleasures of the flesh

in my eleventh year.

Did your mother know?

No. Mom was already dead.

My Uncle Persiphloneges
poisoned her.

- Have you seen the Nazarene...
- Get in touch with us.

- If you meet the Nazarene...
- Contact us.

Candid Camera? I've no time.

Camera?

You're trapped
in the phenomenal world.

That's where you've gone wrong.

Ultimate reality belongs
to the world of non-form.

Take away the non-form,

you take away that of form, too!

There, have a merry Christmas.

Goodbye, children.

You're Santa?

You slide down chimneys?

Yeah, with toys.

I'll strangle you
with your stocking!

I'll teach you respect!

A little boy. How are you?

This terrible dream
haunted my childhood.

Recurring?

I was followed by Azan Malan Kankan,

a hydra with tentacles on his head,
his mouth the gate to Hell.

- Can you be precise?
- Like this.

Well, doctor?

I know, Mom.
But that soirée's not for me.

No! And it's not about that!

It was for my birthday.

Anyway, I can't.

What? I have houseguests.

I got it. It's crucial for you.
Always for you!

This time, count me out!

You're Macha? Macha Linsky?

You need Jesus?

I've got more props. Want to see?
I have fish in the car.

Is it a clip? A movie?

- What is this?
- I don't know. I'm sorry.

Get out! This is too much!

You can't stay here.
Everybody out!

Jesus, if you hear me come back.

- His mother is saying...
- Out!

I said out!

Now! Out!

Wait, I'm registered.

Who cares?

Macha, how are you?

Macha's not well. Macha needs quiet.
Get out!

But, can you...

No, I'm warning you.

I've been very patient. Enough. Out!

Go where you want.

Go see Robert Hossein.
I'm done with Magi.

It's not nice to give Macha worries.

Not nice at all.

Tell her we meant no insult.

What are you looking for?

Jesus, that's all.

Jesus? My husband?

No, little Jesus.

Oh, I get it. That's very nice.

Just say so. That's easy.

Is this worth any scratch?

I mean is it valuable?

Finally,

we're close to our goal.

Heavens be blessed.

Nativity

This ring is priceless.

Is it yours?

I know it belonged...
to Alkabus I, the Just.

Then my grandma inherited it.

You tell your grandma,

it should be in a museum,

or with the police!

Tell her to come get it herself.
Understand?

I'll tell her. She's got more.

What's her name?

Marquise Foster-Holmes.

I'll keep you posted.

That's us!

They got it wrong.

- I'm not white!
- I'm not black.

And I'm not that old.

A scribe. Let's question him.

Hail, friend.

I am Balthazar,
king of Nippur. I'm not Gaspar.

And I'm young Melchior.

Right. The Magi.

Praise God.

Man of faith, you know us?

Sure, but there's a problem.

Last year's incident.

between Joseph and a shepherd.

And that steer in the sacristy.

The bishop didn't like it,
so no live nativity this year.

Understand?

You shouldn't have come.

But we're the Magi.

I know. It's hard.

But we have a homeless group.

You can eat, without the show.

We're not hungry.
We're looking for Jesus.

Good, my children.

I'm looking, too.

- Macha? What are you doing here?
- Looking for you.

How'd you find us?

A dog howled,

a dove landed on a roof,

and I asked Mrs. Da Silva.

Want to go to a dullsville party?

Well, a long, boring one.

Come on!

Your father's suits
are very becoming.

Depends on for whom!

I'm speaking to all of you.

The strong and the weak,
the proud and the humble.

I welcome you all
with the compassion due my office.

For without you, I am nothing.

As my mother said,
even the mother of the roach

finds his child beautiful.

I respect the smallest among you.

It is with grains of sand
that we build a great edifice.

No chain is stronger
than its weakest link. So I say,

be strong, be happy.
For the sake of your chain.

Long live ONE!
Long live the 3rd millenium!

Bravo!

What an orator!

What rhetorical prowess!

Sit down.

You recognize Mom.

Not "Mom." Call me Anne.

A real pleasure to finally have
a direct perception

of your physical aspect.

What presence! What beauty!

What a memory! Every night
learning all those sentences!

Thank the teleprompter.

None for me?

My daughter always liked mavericks.

Don't tell me. You with the mob
or the circus?

Excuse us.
My name is Bobby.

I'm Stephen.

I'm Sandy, and we work
for a subtract agency.

An ad agency.

Really? Which one?

You don't know it. It's new.

Very trendy, very trash.

Trash, huh?

Sorry.

What is it?
Can't find your towel heads?

I'd like to find them again.

Your cut.

That's OK.

Incredible. What's it about?

Well, ONE, among others,

is putting pressure
on people in authority

to allow commercial spots
during the news.

No! That's appalling!

I have ethical issues.

It is about ethics.

Imagine a diaper commercial
after a bombing in Beirut.

Easytuc diapers.

And I follow
a franks 'n' beans spot,

with famine in Africa.
How do I look?

Well, some spots...

Tell me, with the news,

what's a good spot? Name one.

Cho-cocoa.
The land of chocolate.

Cho-cocoa
when you're on the go,

On the go. Cho-cocoa.

Hi, Mr. Cho-cocoa!

Real pros.

Your friends elevate the debate.

I thought it was my birthday,
not a debate.

Right, these things
don't interest everyone.

This may surprise you,
but I remembered.

Thanks. How nice.

I'm sorry.
I just didn't have a minute.

At your age, money is better. Right?

If you had gotten me a gift,
I would've sold it.

Very funny.

"De Gaulle and Power."

De Gaulle.
A superb airplane airport.

Airplane.

My latest. Not perfect,
but I think it's valid.

What volume!

Must be as dullsville
to read as to write.

Thanks, Mom.

5,000 francs. 326 Big Mac's!

And 3 fries.

Now everyone knows. How discreet.

Careful. Some things aren't said.

- Delicious meat.
- Succulent!

No. Please.

What is this?

A splinter party at my evening?

My daughter's birthday.
I took the liberty of inviting them.

You did well.
I took the liberty as well.

Even one week late, December 8th
must be celebrated!

You shouldn't have. How'd you know?

In my barn, the lambs count
as much as the sheep.

A cell phone.

The latest model. Digital.

More memory, optimal frequency.

Nice of you, thanks.

But I like this one.
My mom should've given it to me.

Macha!

Could she say... "Mom"?

Mom. Say Mom.

In the ad game, they all speak Japanese.

And have a sense of humor.

Not everyone does.

Watch your tone!

- Sorry.
- No, no matter.

Listen, Mom...

Don't order me.
I'm a big girl now. OK?

Hey, it works.

Now, "Setting the time."

What's your fake say?

What would the big girl be
without apartment and allowance?

Less spoiled than her mother!

- That's over the line.
- Stop.

Sleeping with my mother
doesn't make you father!

It works.

I've had enough. It's over!

But Mom...

Shut up!

It... works.

I'm sorry.

It's nothing.

Some night, huh? Leaving?

Hope to see you again.

Was that Hebrew?

No. Aramaic.

Hello, Macha?

Sorry, sir. Is Macha there?

Jo! What a joy to hear you.

- What a surprise!
- It's you?

It's Jo!

Are you in Sticks?

No, I wanted to see you
before I go. Where are you?

We're on a large agora.

A sacrificial site.

With a lighted wheel, erected for Ra.

You see?

Not really.
Could you talk normal a second?

Can you help us find Macha?

At this time of night?

OK, guys. Let me handle it.

Hi, Babar. Macha Linsky inside?

Can I?

Wait. Who are they?

They're with me. No problem.

I don't know them.

You must've seen them on TV.
The 13 Commandments.

They're all over the place.

The chicken goes peck-peck,
the duck goes quack-quack.

The pig goes oink oink,
the fish nothing at all.

Cool, right? Without the music!

Thank you, Numidian.

Thank you, slave.

What refined perfumes!

Vanilla with a cedar accent.

Cool, man.

Macha, we were worried.

Too bad. Give me a break.

With me, she's always fine.

Be back in a while, OK?

You forgot your gifts. The phone.

They're cute nursemaids.

Better, they're the Magi.

Wow, the Magi!

Where's the other one?
Left for Bethlehem?

What?

Sit down,

have a drink, bro.

Chica-chica blues.

Can we talk a second?

There was a small problem
with the gift you gave me.

Problem?

Yeah, my mother was real sick.
So was I.

We had no money.
So I gave her the ring.

You did that?

Yes.

Your destiny will be as bright
as you are kind.

What was that?

Say nothing.
Your loyalty is enough.

Here.

Oh, no.

That's too much. I can't.

Take it, with my apologies.

This one's for you.
It's much more valuable.

Fuck.

Fuck, that's real nice.

I'm getting off, wild.

Melodies haven't evolved.

A place for chasing black humors.
Very healthy.

Where are the deaf
who need the music loud?

I'll seek out Melchior.

I'm coming.

- May I?
- Sure.

Hey, what are you doing?
600 F a bottle!

I don't really
go to clubs a lot, because...

Balthazar! Come and meet
the appetizing Vanessa,

golden apple among Hesperides.

Vanessa.

Chica-chica blues?

With pleasure.

Are you in ads, too?

Ads? Cho-Cocoa, Fiat Punto,
"Mikado is your weakness."

All that? Wow!

- Can we talk?
- No time.

It's none of my business,
but lay off this stuff, and Guillaume.

A dealer doing counseling?

What? Quit it.

I've seen guys
get dumb as dogs with that.

I'm not a dealer.
But I'm sitting on a fortune.

More than you and Guillaume.

What do I give a shit?
Do we live together?

No, so get off my case.

Hey, man. Coming?

Yeah. Later.

My palace is spacious,
decked in gold and ivory.

And I'm having an escalator put in.

The ad business really pays well.

Two chica-chica blues.

Epicures say pleasure is only bad
if the harm it does is greater.

Yeah, The Cure's a great band.

Totally.

- Yes, totally.
- Totally heavy.

Fuck!

Shit!

- What's up?
- I'm out of here.

She's not breathing!

What is this?
What's wrong with her?

Go get help! Move it!

Allow me.

You a doctor?

Get out of here!

Actually, I'm an actress-model.

But have you ever played in Trachineae?

Well I work
in a restaurant now, so...

Only natural to hesitate.
Your sign is duplicity incarnate.

No. I'm a Gemini.

She is. She's a Gemini.

Mongolian, four more please!

- Four?
- Yes, and pedal to the metal.

Garbage.

Let us through.

Move over! Move!

You, get lost!

- Get out of here!
- She's better.

I'm a doctor, by Hippocrates!

And is that your scalpel?

- I'm a doctor.
- That's your scalpel?

This is a mistake.

Legionaries, I am Gaspar the magus.

My friends, Melchior
and Balthazar are here.

You smoked some good stuff.

This is a terrible error.

We're the Magi.
We seek the infant king.

Good.

Keep the beginning
and kill the end.

It never existed. Right, Anne?

Thank you, Mr. Hoeder.

Get me the Dept. of Justice.

Meeting in my office, ten minutes.

I miss my sandals so.

I don't understand. Explain!

Without authorization,
no one gets in. Not even a friend.

I see why one can't leave a prison.

But to enter one should be easy.

I need a written order!

Not so loud, please.
Chica-chica blues...

Our friend entered
without benefit of writing.

That's different. He was arrested.

Well, then arrest us.

I can't. On what charge?

You tell us. Concentrate.

I don't know.

Theft, unlicensed weapons,
insulting an officer.

Look at us.

Like this?

Asshole, fuck your family!

You big ninny, got no balls?

Quiet, please.

Ah, here it is.

Thank you very much.

Gaspar, has time seemed long?

Not at all. A lovely place
for meditation. How is Macha?

Macha?

Where's the holding cells?

Going in or coming out?

You seek Jesus?
Then we should get along.

Only I can help you find him.

Humanity today suffers
from a lack of faith.

Spirituality has been
tarnished, made trite,

and ridiculed.

We must give it a new birth.

A new breath of life. You agree?

I believe you are the Magi.

If you are imposters,

that changes nothing. Even better.
My hat is off to you.

In any case, people want to dream
and the dream is you.

I'm giving you 90 minutes
prime time on ONE, Christmas Eve.

Who could dream of such a chance?

Millions of people
and as many signs to appear,

and hundreds of millions
more to follow,

thanks to this blessing,
this manna of modern times...

The internet.

How is young Macha?

She's fine. Forget her.

But she is our guide.

Yes, since she brought you to me.

I tell you God created man,

so man could create the internet.

That's why you've come back.

Internet!

God's hand in every home.

For every human being,
planetary communion. Instantly!

3.45 F a minute.

Truly. I tell you...
That is why you've come back today.

So you may be heard
all over the world.

Even in the remotest places.

A second wind for redemption
of a moribund humanity.

Put your thumbs up.
Higher.

Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go, Magi.
They're waiting in the loft.

Just one little click

and isolated men and women
are all united,

like millions of cells
in a single body, with one purpose,

in harmony with the great whole.

The world's salvation.
My work. My Noah's Ark!

And yours. Because without you,

I am nothing.

I see you going very far. Very.

- What must we do?
- Be yourselves.

I trust you.

As my mother said,

the door best closed
is that we can leave open.

But don't forget,
the greater the trust,

the harder the disappointment.

The appendix has options
for CD's, tee-shirts, lighters,

and a sitcom called
"The Magi Fiesta."

It's nothing important.

Here, sign here.

Very good.

ARE THEY THE MAGI?

WHOSE STAR
ARE THEY FOLLOWING?

- Yes?
- May I?

The doctor said you're better.
I'm relieved.

I'm OK.

I think it's best
she spend Christmas here.

Did you read that? Incredible.

And Hoeder made it happen.

He's crazy about them.

I won't play that game.
Who are they really?

The Magi.

I'm young, rich and unhappy.

Incredible, too.

You were clinically dead
for a moment.

It's a miracle you're here.

God gave you a second chance.
Don't waste it.

Macha, you're loved.

I spoke to your friend Guillaume.
He's a nice guy.

He said he was working
on a series for ONE.

He likes you for the heroine.

- Did you know?
- Yeah.

Sometimes it's harder to talk
to one person

than to millions of viewers.

Time for the big moment.

Charlatans or men of faith?
Crazy men or visionaries?

Who are they?
We'll try to find out right now,

with the help of eminent
historians and theologians.

Thanks for coming.

I remind you, we're live

and connected to the world.

A warm welcome for... The Magi.

Melchior, prince of Palmyre.

Gaspar, king of Meroë.

Balthazar, king of Nippur.

So we are joyous,

because the sign will be tonight.

- What sign?
- The sign.

Leading us to the newborn king,
before midnight.

And my fake reads 9:27!

Stop right there.

This is absurd.
They talk about December 24th.

Let me laugh. That symbolic date
appeared in the 4th century,

supplanting Saturnalian rites,
the Pagan sun feasts.

And the gold, myrrh?

Gold, myrrh are symbolic,
like the Magi!

How do they feel
about being called symbolic?

Move over, Simon Templar

Please...

Shit!

No, no! Let's be serious,
and very clear:

The Magi don't exist
and they never have.

- Never?
- Never. I'm sure.

Only in...

the 8th century
did an English scholar named Bede

invent 3 characters he named

Melchior, Gaspar and Balthazar.

The youngest being Gaspar
and the most...

Negroid being Balthazar.

But Melchior is youngest!

I'm the youngest.

I'll say it again: I'm not Negroid!

Merry Christmas. Spare any change?

Here. Merry Christmas.

Let's hear more detail.
Are you married?

11 sweet and loyal wives.

11?! And Melchior?

I've only five.

I have 18 and 34 children. Why?

No one knew
you were in such good shape!

It's natural. Alternating wives
stimulates desire, and...

I so miss the youngest,

Yasha, a virgin of only 15 years.

That's enough!

- Scandalous!
- It's only an expression of nature.

Well, suppress it!

Difficult, even dangerous.
Never suppress your nature.

Aren't you, who like men,

more easy when allowing
your desire free reign?

Especially with Mercury
so dominant,

you must have insatiable desire.

Less ginger and more bromine!

Enough!

No. Stay.
The audience is perplexed!

Quiet!

I'll be two seconds.

Jackie Corner here.

Sorry, she just left.

Toward the subway.

And also I think it's horrible!

You can't make fun
of people's faith like that!

Or make fun of Jesus!

Christ himself is insulted.

- Calm down.
- I'm not done.

I'm not done. Let me talk!

I want these three blasphemers
to ask God forgiveness.

Right now, on their knees!

Forgive me, I doubted.

The psychiatrist.

Me treat them? I need treatment!

I was blind and now I see!

Let me kiss your feet!

There they are!

The Magi!
Hallelujah!

- What do we do?
- Back on the set.

Interpreters, stay at your desks.
The guests will be back.

No need for me.
They speak perfect English.

Excuse me? What English?
They're Italian.

They speak in perfect German!

No, they speak Japanese!

This way!

Hurry!

Are we what we think?

Is the world what we think?

Does the world think we are
what we think we are?

Have we the right to seek refuge
in these catacombs?

And us? Are we indeed alive?

Perhaps I've no more heart
than this miserable statue!

Gaspar, how grave!
Strike me, we shall see!

At least wait until midnight.

Slit my throat.

Later, Balthazar.
I'd love to, but later.

Then must I assail myself?

Cowards!

Mind your business.

- Don't die.
- Why not?

You already did, right?

Don't this, don't that.

Let's get a drink, and talk.

I don't want a drink.

I want to be left alone, get it?

I get it.

Sorry I bothered you.
You got a train to take.

Due to technical problems,

this line is out of service
until further notice.

I swear, it wasn't me.

I must tell you, he's critical.

A miracle he made it in.

I'm a doctor. What's his humor?

Humor?

His dominant humor.
Black bile, yellow bile?

Why not examine his stools?

Saturn is moving into Aquarius.
Great time for a purge.

Look,

you don't get it. Sorry
about the masquerade party.

Your friend is dying, and...

Pardon my lack of faith, friends.

Shame walks with me.
I ask your forgiveness.

Balthazar, your...

- Forgive me.
- Of course.

We are at fault, too. We doubted.

You chased our black thoughts.

Thank you, friends.

- The Magi on TV!
- Where?

That's them. They're saints!

They work miracles!

Heal me!

I want to touch them!

An autograph!

Gaspar, in here!

Synchronicity is the key!

Gaspar, the gear ratio handle.

That's the minimum ratio.

Tarry not!

I do so miss our camels.

I guess I might direct the vehicle!

Quick! The shofar!

Sorry!

Hello, please state destination.

Who's talking?

- Where are you?
- Who is it?

Hello, please enter destination.

Tell us where to go.

Destination unknown.

Please try again.

But we don't know!

What matter? A temple, a stable.

Noah didn't have this on the ark.

True.

Arc de Triomphe - Etoile.
Right on Rue Rodier.

Right!

- The right.
- Westward!

I'm hungry!

I'll take you
to the Champs-Elysées.

No, just a Big Mac and 2 fries.

Find out about the child.

When you find him, call.

So I can go adore him as well.

Why such great speed?

U-turn. One way.

My position is most untoward!

- U-turn.
- I hear, woman. But how?!

"R" for "return"?

I won't touch it anymore!

- U-turn.
- Shut up!

Arc de Triomphe. You have arrived.

Are you drunk or something?

Very sorry.

- My car!
- Sorry.

By Saturn, please forgive us.

The catacombs!

- The accident report!
- Later!

Hey, the cops are here!

- Come back here!
- It wasn't me. It was them!

Yeah, right.

What did you say?

They've been spotted
near Etoile.

Etoile, the star.

I'll be damned. The star.

It's them!

Friends, this won't suffice.

Surely, but what to do?

They ripped that truck off.

All right, we know our jobs!

Look!

Macha! You found us!

Heaven is with us.

Why are they here?

We ripped off wheels.

- We split.
- Cops are after us.

For once, it's clear.

- You are our guide.
- Lead us to Him.

Where the hell are they?

What is this?

Now tell me...

Film them all!

All of them!

Film them all!

Don't let one escape!

Film them all!

Him! It's Him!

It's Him. Quick!

It's Him!

No, it's not him.
Too old, too frail. Not him.

It's Him!

Poor baby.

All dirty and scared.

What's with you guys?

- The gifts.
- Yes.

For you,

myrrh, son of Man.
To wash away earthly grime.

Frankincense, son of God,
to draw you to the ether.

I've nothing left.

Jo. The ring.

- What ring?
- The ring!

In a hurry?

Pardon me. Want your fake back?

No, that's OK.

For you, gold, king of kings,

that your heart may be ever rich.

Thank you.

A simple bow would've worked.

Where'd the Pokemons go?

Come on.

Could you just give me
a simple explanation?

I swear, with all this, the truth is,

I feel like I don't get a say.

We have to name him.

Yeah? I haven't thought about it.

Merry Christmas, lovers!

How about a middle-eastern name?

No!

Why?

He was mine! Mine alone!

Why?

Why hast thou abandoned me?

A name...

Bobby. I like Bobby.

Right. Or Escalator would make
a nice patronym.

I knew a man named
Mustaphakaymagalandar. Nice ring.

Little long for the cell phone.

But I had this thought.
Is it a boy or a girl?

To stay or to go?

- What?
- To stay or to go?

Going in or going out?

Hey, Frick and Frack,
take it elsewhere!

Now get away!

Is this a clown convention?

- Looking for trouble?
- No.

Gaspar...

Go back to your camels,
don't come back!

- An ambush.
- Bandits, like in...

What's that, Hebrew?

Wait, who are they?

We're not Frick and Frack.

We're the Magi.

Very funny.

Balthazar, your...

Fuck!

That's a good one.

I can't do this Magi thing.

I believe you're the Magi.

Some real weirdos this year.

Mongolian, two brews!

- Two more?
- Step on it.

- What are you looking for?
- Jesus.

Long way to go.

This doesn't interest everyone.

If Jesus weren't here,

why would Destiny...

If Jesus weren't here...

I'm OK.

If Jesus weren't here,

why would Destiny bring us here?

That's your fault!

Subtitles by Michael Katims

Processed by HIVENTY

We're back, aren't we friends?

I don't see any camels.

Perhaps eastward.

No, westward, Gaspar.

Are you sure?

This situation isn't
getting me off at all.

Not one cop when you need him.

Let's try this way.

Or behind the dune.

We need a sign!

- Hear that?
- What?

I hear something from afar.

What?

Yes!

Listen, friends!

- Balthazar is right.
- Familiar voices!