Original subtitles

TED: Hi. - Hi.

Okay.

So I thought we'd try this new restaurant around the corner.

It's Scottish-Mexican fusion.

- Scottish-Mexican fusion? - Scottish-Mexican fusion.

Those seem like two things that do not fuse.

Perhaps you'll change your mind when you try their signature haggis enchiladas.

- Ha, ha. Okay. Lead the way. - All right. Yeah. Come on.

I was surprised when you called.

Isn't there some universal guy rule to wait four days to call a girl?

That does not ring a bell. And it's three days.

[CHUCKLES]

Here we are.

[BAND PLAYING "MEXICAN HAT DANCE"]

Uh, I did not realize there would be live music.

So, uh, should we...?

- Eat anywhere but here? Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. I'm sure we can find a place... - Yeah.

...where we don't need reservations. - You think it's easy?

Stroll in off the street and get a meal?

Well, let me tell you the tale of Gary Blauman.

There's the blushing bride.

- Oh. - Mwah.

Gary Blauman.

How are you? Oh, duh.

Like I need to ask. You're getting married.

Don't let me keep you. You have things to do. I'll see you walking down the aisle.

I'll be the guy in the eighth row going like this:

- Ha, ha. Right? ROBIN: Right.

- Ah, good luck today. Okay. - Thank you. Ha, ha.

- Hey, there's the blushing... - Code red!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Why the code red?

If it's about your hair, I didn't even notice. Especially not from the back.

- What? - Nothing.

Gary Blauman's here. I had no idea he was coming. His reply card got lost.

Where's he gonna sit? It took us weeks to plan the seating chart.

Robin.

Shh.

- I got you. - Huh?

You're talking to the seating-chart master. At my wedding, I managed to sit...

...small-town Minnesotans next to liberal New Yorkers with grace and aplomb.

Table 27 still gets together once a year for a reunion.

Perhaps you've seen their photos on Facebook?

- Like I said, I got you. - Thanks, Marshall.

[DOOR OPENS]

- Hey. - Code red!

Grandma sitting next to the band, divorced couples one table away from each other?

No coherent singles table? This is the Robin's hair of seating charts.

Singles tables are cruel. What if you went to a wedding with a table of fat guys?

- That'd be awesome. - It would.

Let's crack this Blauman nut, then work on the fat-guy table.

- Wait. Did you say "Gary Blauman"? - Yeah, why?

- I hate that guy. - Why?

Remember a few years ago I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt?

For weeks after I read it, I only wanted to talk about one thing.

Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.

[ALL GROAN]

That's it. No more books, Ted.

I don't like the person you become when you read.

Here's the deal: You get to tell us one more interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt.

One more, and then you're done forever. So make it a good one.

Okay.

He went blind in one eye...

...from getting hit too hard in a boxing match...

...while he was president.

- Wow. - That's a pretty good one.

- Right? Oh, and when he was at Harvard... - Shut up!

- No! - Please!

TED: Well, one night, we were throwing a party to celebrate something...

... I can't remember what, when a pretty girl noticed the book on the table.

I can't believe you have this book.

I just finished reading it. Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.

A unicorn.

TED: I couldn't believe it.

It was a stroke of luck on par with the 50-page manuscript in Roosevelt's pocket...

... that slowed that would-be assassin's bullet.

- Dude, come on. - Sorry. Anyway, enter Gary Blauman.

Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography? Coolest guy ever.

- Right? Right? - Right? Right?

- Right? Right? - Right?

TED: The three of us started talking Teddy Roosevelt.

When he took that flight on the Wright brothers' plane?

So cool.

The time he climbed the tallest mountain in Europe on his honeymoon?

- So cool. - Uh...

TED: That's when I realized: Blauman and I were locked in a battle of wills...

... that made T.R.'s charge up San Juan Hill look like a walk in the park.

Or should I say, in the national park, since Roosevelt spearheaded the establishment...

Dude, come on. I gave you one.

The battle raged on.

In a way he was...

ALL: The archetype of the modern politician. Ha-ha-ha.

STEPH: Oh, my God. TED: Dude, knock it off.

GARY: Knock what off, bro?

TED: This is my apartment, my Teddy Roosevelt conversation. I get the girl.

GARY: Oh. So the fact that you're the incumbent means she should just pick you?

Tell that to William Howard Taft.

TED: You're calling me Taft? If anyone's Taft, you're Taft.

GARY: I'm not Taft. I'm Teddy.

TED: The hell you are. My name is Ted.

GARY: Yeah, right. Go sign the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft.

TED: Ah! How dare you?

Skinny-dipping in the Potomac River.

[ALL LAUGH]

TED: And so the standoff continued. Hours passed. Then days.

- Days passed? - Days passed.

Finally, like T.R. Stricken by tropical fever on his Amazon trek, we could go no further.

When he was assistant secretary of the Navy...

Will you just pick one of us already so I can either have sex or go to sleep?

Smooth, bro.

After that day, I have never liked that guy.

So let's just tell Robin this can't be done and send Gary Blauman packing.

- Did you just say "Gary Blauman"? - Yeah.

I love that guy.

What? He's the devil.

He's an angel.

It was 2006. Marshall and I had broken up. I was back in New York, feeling vulnerable...

...and listening to my breakup song over and over.

- Sugar Ray's "Fly." - You know it.

- Man, you know nothing about breakups. - I really don't.

- Anyway, then I hit bottom. - There's a bottom below Sugar Ray?

Mm.

- What? Why have I never seen that before? - I've been using cover-up...

...and strategically placed straps for a long time to keep this puppy quiet.

After all the times you guys made fun of me for my breakup butterfly tattoo?

[BOTH SNICKER]

Oh, fact-that-Ted-got-a-butterfly-tattoo, will you ever stop being hilarious?

Why is it only half a butterfly?

Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor, dragged me out...

...and talked some sense into me.

Lily, trust me, you and Marshall are going to get back together.

And when you do, you'll be so glad you did not get the other half of that butterfly.

Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly.

It's good that I ran into you.

Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime of looking at Sugar Ray...

...every time we do it on your birthday. Find him a nice seat.

No. No. Do not find him a seat.

You find him a nice...

TED: Neither of us was gonna back down.

So finally we decided to take it to the groom.

[GASPS]

- What's going on? - Shh.

Who's that guy?

It's my ex-boyfriend.

So we're crouching behind a van, hiding from your ex-boyfriend.

Forgive me... I'm a little bit of a detective. - But it was a bad breakup?

Pretty bad.

- Bad like there was a big fight? - Bad like there was a big ring.

Bad like this happened in the past year?

Bad like it happened Saturday.

- So bad. - Yeah.

Okay, he's gone.

I'm so sorry, Ted. I really like you.

But I'm in the weirdest place on Earth right now.

- You're in a Scottish-Mexican restaurant? - Ha, ha.

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

It's just too soon for me to be dating. I think I should head home.

Well, want me to walk with you? Lots of scary ex-boyfriends in this neighborhood.

Sure.

- I do want to hear the rest of that story. - Right, the story.

- Yeah. - So we decided to take it to the groom.

- Did you say "Gary Blauman"? - Yeah.

- Gary Blauman? - Yes.

Blauman, comma, Gary?

Point, comma, get to the damn.

I...

...Iove that we have the opportunity...

...to destroy Gary Blauman's weekend by kicking him out of the wedding!

Yes! Gary Blauman haters club, right here.

What that guy did to me...

...oh, God, it makes me furious to this day.

Okay, okay, I am going to try and tell this story without completely losing it.

Ready? Okay, here goes. I was at the...

[GROWLING]

- Nope, not gonna happen. Give me a second. TED & MARSHALL: Oh!

I was at the bar.

- Hey, Barney. - What's up, Blauman? Have a seat.

Oh, thanks.

- Your fries. You need anything? - I'm good. Thanks.

Oh, but he was not "good, thanks."

He was not "good, thanks" at all.

Oh, what, did he take one of your fries?

"Take one"?

Take one?

It would've been one thing if he took one of my fries. One thing.

No, Lily...

...that day Blauman took...

[GRUNTS]

...four of my fries.

But that's not even the capper.

Here's the part that still keeps me up at night.

The fourth fry he took...

The fourth fry he took...

[SPUTTERING]

Buddy. Buddy, you okay?

Mm, mm. Mm.

The fourth fry he took...

...was an accidental curly. TED & MARSHALL: Ah!

You don't take a man's accidental curly.

You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly.

If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place?

Yeah, because that's what you want, all curly fries.

Regular-cut with a few accidental curlies. That's what you want.

- That's the dream. - He's right. That is the dream.

No! I refuse to look down from the altar...

...as I say my vows to the woman of my dreams...

...and see that damned stupid accidental-curly-fry-stealing Gary Blauman.

Did you say "Gary Blauman"? I...

...hate to disagree with Barney, but I love that guy.

I just met him earlier today.

- Oh, my gosh. It's you. - Yeah.

You're the poet William Zabka.

Nobody ever recognizes me for my poetry.

He has all six of my collections.

When Terry Gross interviewed me on Fresh Air, he listened live.

Gary Blauman rules.

Gary Blauman?

I...

...hate...

...that I once thought I loved Gary Blauman. - Ooh, this sounds good.

Gary's the guy that I had an affair with.

Tom found out, threw me out of the house...

...and now the kids are from a broken home.

Because of Gary Blauman, everything that matters to me is gone.

I got that beat. So I was ordering fries...

Wait, wait, wait. Blauman's gay?

Then that means that night, the real battle...

...was between Blauman and the girl.

And the prize was this guy.

- Figured something out. - Keep telling yourself that.

- I don't want Gary at my brother's wedding. - Neither do I. I'm the brother in question.

[ALL SHOUTING]

- It's your wedding. - Order! Order!

Robin put this on my plate, so I'll make the decision. Now, let's take a short recess.

Everybody out.

Lily. Out-of-court settlement. Drop this whole thing and I'll give you 10 bucks.

No.

I can't go higher than 10.

[MARSHALL CLEARS THROAT]

I'm ready to give my decision.

This was a tough one. Good points on both sides...

...but ultimately, Blauman stays.

- What in the...? - For one simple reason.

There is a higher law at every wedding, a law that trumps all other arguments.

When the bride asks for something, she gets it.

Yes.

BILLY: Good point. - Wow. He's right.

This fake court thingy is adjourned. Judged.

I guess let's go find Blauman and tell him the good news.

Yeah, about that, bit of a wrinkle. I was just in the hallway, ran into Blauman.

Told him if he didn't leave immediately, Zabka was gonna crane-kick him in the face.

What? But that's not even my move.

- We have to stop him. - Barney.

- Ahh. - Come on, come on.

So we all run out to the parking lot to stop Gary Blauman from leaving the wedding...

What are you doing?

This is my place.

TED: Oh.

So, uh, well, I guess this is where I leave you.

This is your place.

Yep.

- You sure it's not a few blocks that way? - Nope, it's right here.

It's right where you picked me up.

So it is.

- Well, good night. - Good night.

TED: Eight years earlier, I would've given some speech, confessed my love, scared her off.

But I didn't. Because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out.

- Ted? - Oh, thank God.

Do you at least wanna finish your story?

Right.

So we all ran out to the parking lot and...

Blauman. Blauman. I'm sorry. You can stay. Billy won't kick you in the face.

It's not even my move. If I was gonna do anything...

...I'd sweep the leg and put you in a body bag.

What, is that from one of your poems?

Thank you for that.

Please stick around. For the bride.

You're not a Taft. Roosevelt shouldn't have divided the party.

- He handed the election to Wilson. Right? - Completely, right?

No. Wait, no. All right? Forget it.

And, James, I'm sorry about you and Tom...

...but you have to stop blaming me for your own decisions.

Well, guys, take a good look.

This face? You won't be seeing again.

[ENGINE STARTS]

- The br... The br... - Yeah, Gary.

He's really leaving.

Hey, Barney.

Do you still have my wedding ring?

Yeah.

I've got some work to do. Excuse me.

Blauman will cool off. We'll see him again.

- Of course we will. MARSHALL: I don't know.

We might really never see him again.

Because I remember at our wedding, looking out and thinking:

"Man, everyone here means so much to me."

A bunch of those people, you know, I haven't seen them since.

TED: And that's how it goes, kids.

The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime...

... you love so much when you're young...

... as the years go by, you just lose touch.

That being said, I did manage to keep track of a few people.

Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's.

Hey, watch it over there.

Yeah, watch it over there.

TED: It's become a family business.

Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine to Val Kilmer.

No, not that Val Kilmer. She narrowly avoided prison time...

... but did receive mandatory psychological counseling.

Hello, handsome.

I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my... Oh, what the hell.

TED: She and Kevin live in Poughkeepsie now.

Ranjit made a couple really good stock picks, and, well, he owns the limo service now.

Bitterman, get the car.

Getting the car, sir.

Patrice has her own drive time radio show. People call in, she gives advice.

WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Sometimes I just feel like he never listens to me.

Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle. You know, my grandma always says...

WOMAN: Damn it, Patrice, I'm not finished!

Sorry, sorry, go on.

TED: William Zabka became the youngest poet ever...

... to win the American Humanities Medal for Literature.

He's currently working on a collection of travel essays.

[YELLS]

TED: Zoey pops up on the news every now and then, supporting some cause or another.

It doesn't always go well for her.

The hawk is a majestic creature. She means you no...

[HAWK SCREAMS]

Aah! No, I'm your friend. I'm helping you.

TED: Still, it's nice knowing she's out there fighting the good fight.

Scooter's been married for a while.

He met a girl at work, and it was love at first sight.

I guess something about her helped him get over Lily.

You look beautiful today, Jasmine. Like every day.

- Move. I serve sloppy joe now. - Okay.

TED: Blitz struggled with a gambling addiction for a while...

... but after a three-day bender on the same slot machine, he finally kicked it.

I gotta get help.

- Learned to live a life of style

Yes!

[SIREN BLARES]

- Whoo! - Oh, man.

TED: I'm not sure what happened to Blah-Blah.

But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she...

Carol. Her name was Carol.

Thank you.

TED: Sandy Rivers'inappropriate behavior finally caught up with him...

... ending his news career in America.

[IN RUSSIAN]

TED: He hasn't changed.

It took some doing, but James finally convinced Tom to take him back.

And nobody's happier about it than their kids.

Hey, kids, have I ever told you how I met your father?

It was at a party.

TED: And as for Blauman...

Guys, wait.

Sorry for storming off. I don't wanna miss this wedding.

TED: You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life...

... to part ways with people forever.

That's why when you find someone you wanna keep around...

... you do something about it.

So I guess good night.

Good night.

Unless...

Do you wanna walk around some more? It's still early.

Sure.

What are you doing?

Remembering this.

Come on.