Original subtitles

-[birds squawking] -[screaming] -RIP: Whoa! Go, go, go, go!

Faster, Swooper!

They're gaining on us! Whoa!

-Step on it! -I'm trying!

Squawk!

That flying machine belongs to us!

It belongs in the Da Vinci Museum.

-You stole it. -Because your kind broke

the ancient truce between man and bird.

Mankind wasn't meant to fly.

Mankind was meant to die!

-Squawk! -Saltine, pull me up.

I can fight them off with my whip.

-[sighs] -Saltine? What are you doing?

AGATHA: They're getting closer, Rip.

-Got any words for your fans? -Why are you

-filming me? -You need to connect

with Rip Nation more often to boost

-your online profile. -Not now, Agatha!

We're done for! We can't outrun them!

Saltine, pull me up.

-Saltine! -Squawk!

-What's the point? -Oh, God. This is it.

We're dead! We're fucking dead!

Oh, God, I'm so scared. I always thought I'd be brave

when it happened, but I'm scared as shit.

I'm gonna shit myself and then I'm gonna die!

♪ ♪

RIP: Well, it's a miracle

we got out of that situation

and delivered the flying machine to the Da Vinci Museum.

And I have no interest in rehashing how we did it,

but it was no thanks to you, Saltine.

-What's going on with you? -I don't know.

Nothing, I guess.

-Why is she so moody lately? -I think I know.

You know how it was her birthday last week?

Yes, as I recall, she took her birthday noogies quite well.

Well, her parents didn't call her,

didn't send a card, nothing.

Wow, and you guys were mad at me

for getting her a scale as a gift.

Guess I'm looking pretty good by comparison now.

-No, you still look bad. -But not by comparison, Agatha.

You have to admit that by comparison, I look great.

Look, even though Saltine plays it down,

the fact that her parents disowned her

for becoming an arky obviously still bothers her sometimes.

I just don't get why they think being an arky is so bad.

It's not like we're looties, always stealing and looting,

which, as we all know, is how they got their name.

Families can be tricky, Rip.

Hmm, perhaps you're right.

You know, I have a lot of experience

with complicated family relationships myself.

Growing up in Brazil, my twin brother Zip and I

had a lot of issues with our parents.

Okay, I think I know what I need to do.

The fuck did he just say?

SALTINE: Is this really necessary, Rip?

RIP: What do you mean?

-Why did you blindfold me? -Uhp, uhp, uhp.

So you wouldn't know where we were going.

Okay, but then why did you chloroform me?

Made it easier to get the blindfold on.

And then why did you also blindfold Fleety?

We thought it'd be cute.

-[exclaims] -SALTINE: Honestly,

it's just magnifying how jacked up his teeth are.

-Ugh. -[whimpers]

[singsongy] Okay, we're here.

SALTINE: My parents' house?

Why the hell did you bring me here?

For business reasons, naturally.

I'm trying to train you to become a full arky,

but you've been way too moody lately at work.

And I know it's because of your bad relationship

-with your parents. -So?

So I can't have a distracted assistant.

It puts all of our lives at risk.

So I'm here to help fix your relationship

with your parents once and for all.

-MONA: Saltine? -[gasps]

We told you never to come back here.

-We were very clear. -We were very clear.

You have been disowned.

Okay, if someone told me this family was functional,

I'd say, "Uh, you forgot the 'dys.'"

I got to say, this is quite a bounty for unwelcomed guests.

Of course. We're not animals.

-Cookie? -You're supposed to say no three times.

-It's a Persian thing. -Oh, no, thank you.

-Please, I insist. -Nope, really, I'm okay.

For you, I'm sure eating a cookie is nothing,

but for me, it would be everything.

-Mm-mmm. -Uh, no?

Eat this cookie or I will walk into the ocean

with my pockets full of stones!

-Now you can eat it. -Oh, thank God.

[grunting]

All right, let's repair this relationship.

Maybe if you guys just hug really hard.

I'd rather hug a bug.

Okay, Saltine, you didn't warn me

your mom is a full tilt snap queen.

Being an arky is utterly shameful.

No, it is not. It's shameless.

Rip, that's also bad.

Oh, man. What is with the English language?

So many twists and turns, right?

I wish we were having this conversation

in my native Portuguese.

Saltine, you disobeyed our wishes.

One, we wish for you to have perfect vision,

and two, we wish for you not to pursue archaeology.

What's so bad about being an arky?

It's not like we're looties, the scum of the whole Earth.

Arkies are worse. They are reckless.

-[chuckles] Yeah, that's true. -They're glory seekers.

-Can't argue with that. -They're buffoons.

-Guilty. -They lack a moral compass.

If you hadn't said "moral," I'd be arguing with you

so much right now. But, yeah, that one is also accurate.

Their lifestyles are an unending parade of sex and drugs.

Yep, and hard drugs, too. They make the sex better.

Or worse, depending on your goals

-and/or sensitivity levels. -This is like

Seurat's worst nightmare, Rip:

-pointless. -There's nothing you can say.

We don't like arkies.

Even me?

-Yes! You more than anyone. -Especially you!

Well, you can hate me all you want,

but it's ridiculous to dislike your own daughter.

I mean, I don't know how to put it any more clearly.

Saltine is a sockdolager, a Dutch snorter.

Hell, she's got more moxie than Old Coppernob.

I don't understand a word you're saying.

What, you got Chesapeake crabs

in your ears or something?

Nobody talks that way to me in my house. Get out!

Now leave us so we can resume our simple life.

Listening to the blissful sounds of the Chesapeake Bay.

-[waves lapping] -[both sigh]

-[jackhammer thudding] -[speaking Farsi]

The Harrisons are starting another construction project?

Will it never end?

[exclaims] The only thing worse than the arkies

are the Harrisons and their nonstop

noisy construction projects.

Goodbye.

Hmm. What if...

-[loud thudding] -[both scream] -4:55 a.m.?

I had another two minutes before my alarm went off.

Damn those Harrisons. [speaking Farsi]

MONA: It's not the Harrisons.

Dig, my friends, dig! [laughs]

It's a wonderful day.

Why are you destroying our private property?

It better be because you're planning

on burying yourselves alive.

I'm gonna show you that archaeology

isn't just about glory-seeking.

It's useful as well.

This region used to be home to the Powhatan tribe.

If we find evidence of a settlement,

the whole area will be protected

by the Historic Preservation Act.

The Harrisons will have to stop construction

and you'll get your peace and quiet back.

See? Archaeology rocks the house.

The last thing I want to do is admit that I'm impressed,

so I won't, but just know that I'm dying to.

Well, it was all Saltine's idea.

Because Saltine is into archaeology

for the right reasons.

-You don't say. -I do. Loudly!

♪ ♪

Would you look at that?

Algonquin earthenware made of clay

and triturated mussel shell.

-By Jove, we've done it! -[whooping]

SALTINE: See, guys?

Arkies aren't all bad.

Maybe I can even find evidence of a yehakin,

which is not the same thing as a wigwam.

Bet you thought it was. Yet another example

of how arkies pwn gen pop.

And, uh, we dig-ah like-ah this.

-[metal clangs] -"Clunk?"

But I was just shoveling for effect.

Oh.

Agatha, stream this.

I thought you didn't want me to do that anymore.

Yeah, I know, but when those likes start rolling in,

it feels so damn good.

-Now go live! -AGATHA: What's good?

It's the big bitch, Swaggy Aggy,

coming at you live from Chesapeake Bay.

Rip is deadass doing some crazy shit IRL.

Everyone knows Blackbeard was decapitated

by Virginia's governor in 1718,

and his head was displayed on a pike

at the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay.

But few knew his crew buried his body

in a location most hidden, until now.

I have discovered Blackbeard's tomb.

-[all gasp] -What's that in his pocket?

-Just a blank sheet of paper. -No, it's a treasure map.

Blackbeard's treasure. You're holding it backwards.

And you just showed everyone on Earth.

Uh-oh, Ripnation.

Did the Ripdawg just F up big time?

Sound off in the comments.

-[indistinct chatter] -Rip, this is a circus.

-What's happening? -Once in a while,

some sort of treasure map goes public,

and it brings every arky out of the woodwork

for a treasure hunt.

Or, as arkies call it, a fortune pursuit.

Get your picture with Blackbeard.

-Hydrate with Splot. -Zane, will you

sign my dog's butthole?

Bella Torres, what will you do

if you find the treasure?

Well, I've essentially been in a coma since 2011,

so the first thing I'm gonna do is pay off the fines

on all my overdue library books.

I've had The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks checked out

-for over a decade. -Well, I think I speak

for all of our viewers when I say you're a fucking nerd.

Wow. I've never seen anything like this.

That's right. This is your first fortune pursuit

since joining the council.

We always watch these things from our hot-air balloon,

far from the riffraff below.

I opened this Beaujolais nouveau,

and the bouquet is more of an aroma.

-Where's the trash can? -When you're in the council,

-the world's your trash can. -[laughs] Okay.

-Yep, one year sober today. -Congrats. Got to feel great.

It does. I was one of those mean drunks.

One drop of alcohol and I'd start karate-chopping people

in the throat until they'd spray barf.

But now I'm sober!

[people grunting, shouting]

This is a disaster, Rip.

Yeah, in trying to help you, I've really

stepped in the proverbial turkey diarrhea.

Is that an expression?

Well, I do have idiom blindness,

but I'm 100% sure it's a very common slang.

Anyhoo, the only way a fortune pursuit comes to an end

is when the treasure's been found.

Then we better find it or my parents

-will never un-disown me. -MONA: Actually,

-mind if we join? -Wha...?

Mom? Dad? What's going on?

Saltine, it's time we tell you the truth.

-I'm gonna be a big sister? -No. We used to be arkies.

-[both gasp] -And we're gonna help you

pursue that fortune.

-Da furk? -You took the exact words

and pronunciation out of my mouth.

♪ ♪

Okay, is this some sort of practical joke?

Just checking, 'cause medically,

I'm not able to detect that kind of thing.

No, Saltine. Before you were born, we were arkies.

But then we decided to give it up.

We didn't want to raise you in such a hedonistic environment.

But now we see that you're not like those degenerates.

You're in archaeology for the right reasons.

-[scoffs] -And your head is screwed on straight.

Well, the only reason my head is on so straight

is because you guys are the ones who screwed it on.

-Ugh. -Well, the only reason we were able to screw it on

so straight is because the hole we were screwing it into

was such a pliant screw hole receptacle thingy place.

-Come on. -Aw, Mom.

So, you don't mind if we team up?

Of course not. This is great.

Yeah, great. Just one question, though.

If you guys were arkies, how come I haven't heard of you?

It was before we moved to America.

And we were never famous like you.

Well, obrigado, I was and remain famous,

the best thing one can be.

But "irregardulous," If that's true,

I don't want to get slowed down

by a bunch of out-of-practice arkies

who haven't been in the field for decades.

It'll be hard enough to figure out

where the fortune is on my own.

-Hmm. Let me see the map. -It's an island.

But no island in the Chesapeake is shaped like this.

That is probably due to global warming.

This map was drawn 300 years ago,

when the sea levels were lower.

If you trim away the coastline here and here,

-voilà! -That's Watt's Island.

Whoa. Score one for the parental unit.

[mumbling] I mean, yeah, it was kind of a lucky guess,

and I am the one who found the map.

What was that, Rippy?

-You're kind of trailing off. -[clearly] Nothing.

All right, Swooper, gas up the submersible

'cause we're about to get submersed.

By using this

state-of-the-art submersible,

nobody will be able to follow us.

-Someone's following us. -Caramba!

Hello, Rippy.

I saw you taking off in a hurry

and I figured you must have a lead.

Hope you don't mind if I follow you

in my much better submersible.

-Swooper, gun it! -Aye, aye, sir.

Now you're stuck, idiot!

-[laughs] -Stupid seaweed elasticity.

Swooper, watch out!

A shoal of mackerel!

And a risk of lobsters!

And a consortium of crabs!

Those are all the actual terms, you know. Oh!

Uh-oh!

[all exclaim]

My thermos of RumChata!

Uh-oh, ol' Swoops isn't feeling so good.

Cornelia? Is that you? Kiss me, my darling.

With tongue, of course.

Oh, no, we're doomed. Swooper is our lone pilot.

No one else can drive a submarine.

Even though it looks super easy

like you just point it the way you want to go.

-Not so fast. Mona? -On it.

You think you can lose Zane? Dream on, buttcheese.

-See that up ahead? -That smack of jellyfish?

-Exactly what I was thinking. -A smack?

I didn't even know it was called that.

Hold on to your fedoras.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, for... I can't even see.

Trisket, go out there and squeegee the jellyfish.

Okay, confession time.

When I said I could deep sea dive on my résumé,

that was not true.

Mom, I didn't know you could drive a submarine.

Of course. There's lots I can drive.

Aircraft, watercraft, spacecraft, your father crazy...

[all laugh]

Uh, hey, I hate to interrupt the fuck-fest over there,

but our submersible isn't looking so good.

-We got to fix it up, pronto. -SALTINE: Got it.

So, why don't I go with my parents

to find the treasure and you and Swooper can fix the sub?

Oh. Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Or Swooper can just work on it while I go with you guys.

Or I could stay and help Swooper.

Yes, you not joining us would be perfect.

MONA: Oh, Saltine,

-we have so much to catch up on. -[Saltine laughs]

Agatha, there's something I want you to do for me.

Open Safari, type in H-T-T-P-S,

colon, backslash,

backslash, Google.com,

uh, and then type the following

into the search window within the browser using the buttons

on your desktop computer's QWERTY keyboard.

How great is it that Saltine and her parents

are getting along now?

They're basically just like

three peas in a pod.

-Just like you wanted, Rippy. -[grunting softly]

And heck, now that Saltine knows her parents are also arkies,

it's only a matter of time

before she leaves us and starts working with them.

You must be really happy that your plan to reunite

Saltine with her parents has worked out so well.

Maybe they'll even hire me and Agatha.

That's it! I need to stretch my gams.

Oh...

[all cheering]

I think RumChata sucks.

And so does jazz.

SALTINE: Yeah, Mom!

Slap that snake. [laughs]

Eyes wide shut!

[phone chimes]

Agatha, you genius.

Rip, over here! We found the treasure chest.

Yeah, that's nice and all, but it pales in comparison

to the shocking news I've come to impart.

Your parents didn't voluntarily give up being arkies.

They were expelled from the Arky Union

after they were caught looting archaeological sites.

You're not arkies. You're looties.

The lowest of the low,

as mentioned multiple times recently.

Mom, Dad, is that true?

Yes.

There was a time that we were real arkies,

well on our way to reputable careers.

But we lost sight of what mattered

and became looties.

So that's the real reason

you didn't want Saltine to become an arky.

You hated the arky community for rightfully exiling you

and couldn't stand the thought of her becoming a part of it.

Exactly. We've spent the past 20 years

trying to avoid the arky world.

Maybe things were better the way they were.

We don't want to taint your good arky name

before you've even begun.

You shouldn't have to pay for our mistakes.

Precisely and well said. Well, let's go, Saltine.

Back to being fully and comfortably estranged.

Why are you doing this, Rip?

Wasn't the whole point of this trip

to repair my relationship with my parents?

Well, yeah, of course.

But I wanted that for selfish reasons.

You can't leave me to go work with your parents.

-That ruins the whole plan. -Even if it would make me happy?

Yes, exactly. [chuckles] Now you get it.

I'm sorry, Rip. I can't abandon my family.

Well, I thought we were family, Saltine.

You're like a father to me!

[sobbing]

[grunting]

Saltine, would you do to this treasure chest

-as you've done to our hearts? -Would I ever.

-Whoa. -Oh.

-Great work, family. -We did it.

Dang, Mom and Dad. We make a great team.

Aw, isn't that heartwarming?

-Zane! -Well, hello, everyone.

What's the goss? Because I heard a juicy little item.

Apparently, I'll be taking that treasure.

And I trust there's gonna be no objections.

Wrong! There will be an objection. From me!

Obje... Aah!

[groans]

You know my signature move by now.

The antidote for the poison coursing through your veins

is back on the mainland, thataway.

Meanwhile, I'll be taking the treasure. Thisaway.

Actually, why don't you save Saltine?

And we'll take the treasure?

-[grunts] -Oh, that's right! [laughs]

-Hit it! -[Mona laughing]

What the bloody...

You've got to take her to the antidote.

Sorry, not enough room.

It's either her or the gold. [laughs]

They chose the treasure over their own daughter.

-[mumbles] -Listen, I've got to be honest,

I respect the hell out of that move.

Though it certainly buggers my arse, but good.

Swooper! Swooper! You need to fire up the sub.

First of all, hello. Good to see you, too.

Second, I don't take orders from you.

If you don't help me, Saltine's gonna die.

[groans]

Saltine? That's one of my best friends!

I deserve that.

And there will be time enough for punches later.

Right now we need to use your sub to bring Saltine

-to the antidote. -But it's not working.

-We're stuck here. -Zane? What's going on?

-[groans] -Oh, my God. Saltine?

That's one of my best friends!

-She's been poisoned. -And it doesn't matter by whom,

but the antidote is on the mainland

and we have no way of reaching it.

Oh, yes, we do.

Hyah!

Squawkler, I summon thee!

Squawk!

Oh, great bird, king of the sky,

I need you to take us to the mainland.

And if you do, your life debt shall be forgiven.

Though my debt may be repaid, we shall never forget

what you have done for our kind.

And to think we considered you an enemy

but one week ago,

-before you revealed... -There's no time

to rehash everything I did for you last week, Squawkler.

Just get us out of here!

So shall it be, feather brother.

You're not gonna die, Saltine. Not on my watch!

Squawkler, your talon's really digging into my ass, bud.

Can you ease up?

Oh, yeah, that's better. Thank you.

Saltine! Stay with me!

Oh, man, her arms are all floppy.

♪ ♪

And that is how we found the chest.

-Any more questions? -[reporters clamoring]

I have one. How much moolah

did Quail Eegan pay you for the treasure?

Well, we don't like to talk about money,

but let's just say that our bank account has

3,750,250 more dollars in it.

So, are you sad that the fortune pursuit is over?

We will always cherish the memory.

But mostly, we are happy

to get back to some peace and quiet.

Yes. I thought that was

a killer line when I thought of it.

Thank you, everyone.

Can I have a minute, guys?

Sure. We'll pack up the jeep.

Saltine! Thank goodness you are okay.

No hard feelings, right?

Obviously, we knew there's no way

Zane would actually let you die.

Otherwise we never would have left you.

And hey, we even used some of the money

to buy you a birthday present.

And now that we're back in the arky game,

what do you say--

want to be our assistant? Keep it in the family?

I have a family.

Everyone buckled up?

Yeah. Let's get out of here.

Actually, wait one second. I forgot something.

-Hey! You two! -MONA: Us?

RIP: Yeah, Sam, Mona, I'm talking to you.

-MONA: What? -RIP: You don't deserve

someone as good as Saltine, you huge fucking pieces of shit!

She's the most talented assistant arky I've ever seen,

and you risked her life over some treasure?

How dare you?!

I'd never say this to her face

because I don't want her getting a big ego.

But, honestly, I think she fucking rocks.

-MONA: Can I say something here? -RIP: And also... What? No.

I won't let you speak, you fucking turd!

You've said enough.

It's my turn to tell you you fucked up big-time,

you fuckin' jags.

You know what I think of your precious property?

-Here, I'll show you. -[pants unzip]

-[Mona and Sam exclaim] -RIP: That's right.

I'm gonna piss all over your yard. [grunts]

Yep. Get ready to see some major yellow.

[groans]

Got a little bit of stage fright going on.

Would you please not look at me?

Aw, shit. What the fuck?

Okay, push, Rip, push.

-[fart] -MONA: Ugh! Ew.

RIP: Okay, well, same result, I guess.

Now then, where was I, you frigging choads?!

Oh, yeah-- Saltine rules.

Chirp.

♪ MTV ♪