Original subtitles

Now!

Freshman year of college.

It's kind of like this weird science experiment where a bunch of 18 -year

receive this injection of adulthood and are then forced to figure out how to

fend for themselves for the next year.

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but think about it.

When you've lived your entire existence under the watchful eye of your parents

and are then suddenly released into the real world where you make the rules,

some pretty crazy things can happen.

You wake up in weird places and don't remember how you got there.

You survive off things like ramen noodles and cereal.

You experiment with sex.

And sometimes with your professor.

You learn how to navigate the complex social structure comprised of Greek

or the non -conformist system as you try and etch out that little

place for yourself in the world.

But what I remember most about my freshman year of college was that even

I was old enough to fall completely, desperately in love, I wasn't old enough

recognize I'd fallen completely, desperately in love with the worst

person.

broke up with me.

Table four.

Fast forward to my senior year of college, where I was older, wiser, and

reasonably recovered from the heartbreak of freshman year.

Or so I'd thought.

What the hell's the matter?

Um, nothing. Just trying to teleport myself anywhere other than this bar.

Well, you better teleport yourself over to that table, because we have customers

in the intersection.

I can't.

Why not?

Because one of those customers is Josh Rochette.

I've never heard of him.

I was in love with him my freshman year of college.

He was the first and last guy to ever break my heart.

Aw, that's too bad.

Now will you go take his drink order?

Dean, do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be sitting at home

dress you bought from Macy's for a date with a guy you thought might actually be

your soulmate, only to find out you're just the butt of a big joke?

No. I don't.

Well, it's horrible.

And even though you're my boss, I'm going to have to be insubordinate here

say no.

I will not go to Josh Rochette's table.

Well, that's okay, because he's on his way over here. What?

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey, we're pretty dry over at our table, bro. Do you think you could hook us up

with some pitchers?

Sure, bro.

Get right on that. All right, thanks, man.

All right.

Is he gone?

No, he's not gone. He just got here.

Well, find someone else to cover my shift because I am not going back there.

mean, if he sees me, he'll have the entire bar chanting wham, bam,

thank you, lamb.

Wham, bam, thank you, what?

Wait, what does that even mean?

Oh, nothing.

Just a little nickname, his fraternity, and the entire student population gave

me my freshman year.

I was Sigma Pi's sacrificial lamb, and nobody ever let me forget about it.

Look, I know you think I'm freaking out over nothing, but I'm not.

What exactly did he do to you?

His fraternity initiation task was this.

Get a girl to fall in love with him, sleep with her, then dump her for no

the night of the annual fall party.

Peace, bitch.

That girl was me.

Josh Rochette's sacrificial lamb.

All so he could prove to Sigma Pi that he was man enough to be a part of the

brotherhood. What a yuppie shit stick.

You shouldn't give that khaki pant wearing, smegma pie joining, average

and fitch fucking deuce nugget a second thought.

Easier said than done.

Why does no one ever tell you how hard it is to get over a broken heart?

What?

Alright, look.

Josh Rosette...

Might be the world's biggest jackass frat boy douchebag.

But I can promise you one thing.

There's no way he ever spent any amount of time with you and didn't fall

completely in love with you.

Are you actually being nice to me or is there a punchline coming?

Well, that was a hell of a punchline.

Well, it wasn't a joke.

I'm just going to get fired for this, am I?

Of course not.

Okay, I mean, because I really need this job. If you fire me, I don't think I'll

have enough financial aid to pay for my classes. I'm not going to fire you.

Okay, good, good. Okay, this is good.

God, I'm really nervous, and, I mean, I know it might not seem like I'm nervous,

but I'm nervous.

I'm not sure if I told you this, but I haven't had sex in a really long time,

like, since Josh Garshett.

Three years, and I've never had sex with someone who's older than me, like, your

age. I mean, not that you're old, but you know what I mean, and I just don't

want you to think I'm completely inexperienced, even though I guess I

am. I mean, how experienced can you be when you haven't had sex in three years?

And at this rate, I'm practically a virgin, but...

I mean, even virgins have to have sex. Did I just kill the mood?

Hi, I'm Felicia Falcon here in Burbank, California with Madison Presley, a

college senior who three years ago started a program with her two friends

is changing the lives of people and animals.

Madison, tell me a little bit about this program.

It's called Pets Heal Hearts, and we actually go around to the local shelters

and rescue abused and neglected dogs, bring them to the juvenile detention

centers where the kids can actually train and rehabilitate their rescue

And working with the dogs teaches them patience, compassion, and also the

importance of making a difference in the world.

That is incredible.

I'm curious, how can our viewers get involved in helping out with this kind

program? We need donations and volunteers to really get our name out

Oh, look who it is.

Dude, check it out. You're famous. Do I sound like an idiot?

No more of an idiot than you normally do.

So what's up? What's the story? What happened to you last night?

Well, Josh Rochette came into the bar.

Oh, dude.

You spent the night with Josh Rochette? No, are you kidding me? He was there

with Bethany Landis.

Bethany Landis?

Please tell me that sorority horse turned into some skanky crackhead.

Nope. Still perfect as ever.

That fucking bitch.

Well, anyway, it just got me thinking about all these memories from freshman

year, and I kind of hooked up with somebody.

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, so you see your kind of ex

and his delta gamma bitch girlfriend at the bar, so you leave with some random

person?

You. It wasn't random. It was Dean.

Dean? Finally!

What? Dude, that's like career sabotage.

Lucas, bartending isn't my career.

Was it good?

I mean, we just made out.

Oh, but what? Good.

It was at first, but then I kind of ruined it by talking.

Ugh! Why do you always have to talk? Don't talk.

Yeah, but that advice usually works better for Olivia.

Says the guy who's made out with no one.

Okay, so when are you going to finish things with Dean?

No, he slept on the couch. It was just a fleeting moment. A rebound.

A rebound from what?

Josh.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't have rebounds.

From things that happened three years ago. Yeah, and usually a rebound

actual sex.

Well, I'm not gonna have sex with Dean.

It was just a one -time thing.

What?

Yeah, okay.

Do I look fat?

What?

No, your body is perfect.

I'm a half an inch bigger than I was yesterday.

A half an inch. That's almost a pound of fat.

How am I supposed to throw this big health benefit for Delta Gamma when I

like this?

I don't know.

Maybe it's your period or something.

So I do look fat?

You're going to have to roll me around in flour and find the wet spot.

I found it!

Your body looks exactly the same way as it always does.

Nobody's going to take me serious.

I mean, how am I supposed to promote healthy living when I don't even fit

my fat jeans?

I'm a whale.

Let's have sex.

What?

No.

I've got to study for my econ exam. It's in like two hours.

It's okay.

I'll be quick.

Bethy, I'm on academic probation.

If I flunk another class, my dad's going to have to buy me another passing

grade. There's no way I can do this.

Okay. Then let him up to the job.

Besides having sex burns calories and promotes brain function, so we both win.

Don't be such a good boy.

We need donations and volunteers to really get our name out there. We want

to go national.

Oh, my God, it's Liam Bam. Thank you, Liam.

Here is Madison. Was there anything in particular that inspired the creation of

this program?

Now she's fat. Actually, a few years ago, I found myself the butt of a pretty

nasty fraternity joke, which then snowballed into an even bigger joke

campus. And even though a lot of people thought it was funny, I didn't.

I don't think people realize just how hurt I was by what had happened.

So I decided to start Pets Heal Hearts as a way to teach people compassion.

Sounds like those fraternity boys might have learned something from Pets Heal

Hearts. Oh, my God.

She's so talking about you. My baby made it on TV. That's so cool.

Remember, Pets Heal Hearts. They're looking for donators, volunteers.

Check them out on Tumblr.

PetsHealHearts .tumblr .com. Back to you, Bob.