All language subtitles for sex and the city s04e13

Someone once said
that two halves make a whole.

And when two halves move in together,
it makes a whole lot of stuff.

Hey, what's

Hey, Pop-Tart, where you been,
and what have you been doing?

I got coffee and papers.

But I think
the more pressing question is

what have you been doing?

Made myself an area.

Yes, I can see that.

I needed a space for my work papers
and stuff, you know, so... Is that okay?

Yeah, sure, yes. It's just...

You know
you're blocking the bathroom door.

Yeah, but you got another one.
Who needs two bathroom doors?

I do, me.

Me, the one who loves
her two bathroom doors.

What do you need two doors for?

'Cause sometimes I'm in a hurry

and it's just quicker to go,
ping, out that one,

-and it's my escape route in case.
-In case what?

In case rapists come
in my bedroom window,

I see them in the mirror,
and then, phew, I'm gone.

There's a whole lot of phew-ing going on
in that bathroom.

Hey, it's just gonna be like this

till we're able to take over
the apartment next door.

Then we can load the stuff in.

Would that be happening
in the next five minutes, please, God?

Closing at the end of next week.

Oh. Hello, Petey.

Really, what's the problem, right?
It's just boxes, right?

A plant.

The man brought a living thing
into my apartment.

I don't do plants.
I kill everything I bring in there.

You said yes to moving in,
the guy moved in.

But he's taking over whole areas.

This is why I've never lived with a man.

This, and the fact that I want them out
an hour after I climax.

You let them stay a whole hour?

You'd be surprised how many are ready
to go again after a quick catnap.

And there's no walls, you know.
There's nowhere to hide.

As soon as I walk in the door,
he's all up in my face with,

"Who'd you see? Where'd you go?
Who'd you meet? What do you know?"

What I know is, I need time
to decompress, just be alone.

But, Carrie, there are gonna
have to be some adjustments.

Relationships are hard.

Oh, you guys,
I miss walking into my apartment

with no one there, and it's all quiet.

And I can do that stuff you do
when you're totally alone.

Things you would never want
your boyfriend to see you do.

Like masturbate?

My SSB, my Secret Single Behavior.

Like, I like to make
a stack of saltines.

I put grape jelly on them.

I eat them standing up in the kitchen,
reading fashion magazines.

Why standing up?

It's weird, but it just feels great.

I like to put Vaseline on my hands,

and put them
in those Borghese conditioning gloves

while watching infomercials.

Before I was married,

I used to study my pores
in a magnifying mirror

for an hour each night.

I'm afraid
Trey will just think it's weird.

He would.
You can't do that stuff in front of men.

What about you, Lolita?

Anything you do
you wouldn't want a man to see?

No.

You know, I believe her.

Hey, didn't we make a rule
about those things at lunch?

It's my boss, I have to take it.

Samantha Jones.

Richard, it's Sunday.

Fine.

I'll see you in an hour.

He wants me to drop something off
this afternoon.

Nice.

A little skyrockets in flight,
afternoon delight?

No, it's just work.

Hardly, you're sleeping with him.

You told them?

I also like to gossip on the phone
while secretly pumicing my calluses.

So how is he?

And spare no detail.
I'm a horny pregnant person.

I don't want to talk about it.

Samantha likes a guy!
Samantha likes a guy!

-I do not.
-You do. You do.

Or you would tell us
all the dirty details.

Oh, my God,
we're gonna have to ice skate home.

Hell just froze over.

Okay, you want details? Okay.

He's got the most perfect dick
I've ever seen.

Long, pink, amazing.

It's dick-a-licious.

All right,
so what should I do about Aidan's stuff?

I'm gonna have the girls over
for dinner.

That sounds like fun. What night?

Just the girls.

I'm sorry, but I'm trying to get
my day planner back together.

I just have so much more free time

now that we're no longer
on the baby track.

Some apartments
are cluttered with physical stuff.

Others, emotional stuff.

It's a big readjustment.

I've wanted a baby
ever since I was a little girl.

I mean, we have a baby room and no baby.

Well, I've got some good news.

Bram Pomander thinks
he's snagged us orchestra seats

to The Producers next week.

Charlotte, yes, we're disappointed.

But life goes on.

We still have to find a way
to have a giggle.

Come on, give me a smile.

Hold on.

Potential investors in Munich.
I wish I could say "fuck you" in German.

Impressive. Why do you speak German?

A gal has her reasons.

Come to think of it, that wasn't
"fuck you," it was "fuck me."

That's a negotiation ploy
I haven't tried before.

Who are you kidding?

So where's the layout
for the LA Magazine spread?

Signed, sealed, delivered.

And one more thing.

It was perfect.

Long, pink, amazing.

I thought about you all weekend.

Let me see if I can give you something
to think about all evening.

Bring out that gorgeous dick.

You're gonna get down on your knees
right here?

What if my assistant should see you?

Oops.

I dropped my portfolio.

That may take some time to pick up.

Uff!

Oops, better get those,
while you're down there.

If I had known you were gonna
turn out to be so not a loser,

I would have run home after work
and changed.

Or at least put on
some fresh deodorant, huh?

Ow! Careful.

You know, I was a much younger man

when we started trying to set up
this blind date.

You're the one who kept cancelling
to go to...

-Where were you?
-First time, Spain and Rome.

The second time, Luxembourg and Athens.

Walker Lewis,
fluent in five languages,

travelled the world
as a State Department interpreter.

Seriously, Miranda,

best blind date I have ever had

in the continental USA.

-What?

Listen, any reason I can't see you again
before I go to Brussels?

He is so cute, and funny, and sexy.

And I really wanna have sex with him,
but I don't know.

Is it okay to fuck one guy

when you're pregnant
with another guy's baby?

If one more person asks me that today...

I mean, I'm not in a relationship
with the father of the baby or anything.

I've rarely heard that used as a plus,
but go on.

It's just... Is it tacky?

And beyond tacky, is it safe?

Let's assume he's a really great fuck.

'Cause so many men are.

Could all that poking
shake the baby loose or something?

No, that's silly.

Married couples have sex all the time.

But what if he's huge?

Again, 'cause so many men are.

Could the dick dent the baby?

Where do you think dimples come from?

-Oh, that is so cute.
-I try.

Okay, I really need
to have sex with him now.

Next time he comes back in town,
I'll be too big, he won't want to.

Nothing puts a man off sex
like pregnancy.

This is my last chance.

Last chance for sex.

You're not on death row.

Yes, I am, dead woman fucking.

Miranda, it's your body, your life.
You do what's best for you.

Easier said than done.

You can't even ask Aidan not to talk
when you walk in the front door.

Hi, Mrs. Cohen. Hold on a second.

Here, let me help you.

Hold on.

Here we go.

Hello. Okay?

That's a crazy outfit.

Okay. Mrs. Cohen,
this is my friend, Miranda.

Hello, Mrs. Cohen.

Listen, you tell your boy
I'm not leaving for 30 days.

What?

But we're closing in a week.

Read the contract!

I didn't think Mrs. Cohen
could move any slower,

but apparently she could.

Hey, gal, what's up?

Where you been? What do you know?

Brace yourself, partner.

I been outside,

and what's up is
Old Lightning Rod next door informs me

she will not be leaving for 30 days.

I was afraid
she was gonna do that. Fuck!

Fuck! What the fuck
are we gonna fucking do now?

Thank you!

You hate it too. I'm so relieved.

I thought you'd already
changed into a pod.

Invasion of the Single Snatchers.

-Of course I hate it.

We cannot live like this.

I mean, I got all my boxes in the hall.
You can't get in the fucking door.

I know, did you see me?

Every time. Every single time.

We gotta get this stuff out of here.

We could make some room for it
if we cleaned out your closet.

Careful!

Okay, damn. My ears.

Listen to me.

I have laid out clean towels
on the floor of the bathroom.

Gently place the shoes
and boxes on them.

Oh.

Wow.

I forgot I had these.

Things are looking up.

How many pairs of shoes
does one person need?

That is not the way
to get out of this alive.

I figure I'm gonna need
about half this space.

I figure you've gone mentally ill.

What? You never wear most of this stuff.

Yet.

I never wear most of this stuff yet.
Someday I will.

Oh, like, uh...

Like this?

When and where
were you planning to wear this?

Don't do that. Don't mock the clothes.

And for the record, have worn it.

December '99,
Union Square, book signing.

We gotta start somewhere.

Come on, I love this outfit.

That's when I realized I was
holding onto a Roberto Cavalli outfit

and throwing away my relationship.

-Okay, it goes.
-Good.

Bye-bye.

Pete.

Pete, hey.

Hey, Pete!

Stop it. Pete, stop it!

-Pete... Pete!
-Pete!

-Oh, my God.
-Pete, hey!

Don't show it to me.
Don't even show it to me.

I think I saw turquoise.

That better not be the pair I think.

Oh, god damn it!

That dog owes me $380.

-Fine!
-You can't buy it. It's circa 1996.

-God damn it!
-He's a dog.

What's he supposed to do
with all your shit lying around here?

My shit wouldn't be lying around
if we weren't making room

because your shit is lying around.

You got more shit lying around
than I got lying around.

What? Look at this place.

It's loaded with your shit.
Just look at this bathroom.

Look at all your shit in my bathroom.

Who needs five almost-empty
Speed Stick deodorants?

What are you, a crazy bag man?

They're different smells.

And musk? When have you ever worn musk?

Look at this stuff.
You got old razors, Rogaine...

Wait a minute. You use Rogaine?
I didn't know you needed--

It's preventative.

-Is your hair falling out?
-I don't wanna talk about it!

It seems it's not only women
who have Secret Single Behavior.

This is my stuff.
Don't be going through my stuff.

You were more than happy
to go through my stuff.

Oh, your stuff, your bathroom.

You always do that.
You never wanna let me in.

I don't always do anything.

And I have let you in.

You're fighting with me
about a stupid fucking outfit.

Oh, shut up. It's Roberto Cavalli.

I threw it away, and I love it.
What more do you want?

Shut up? Shut up?

Yes, shut up.

Shut up? You're telling me to shut up?

Please, just shut up.

I am so sick of hearing you
talking, talking, talking all the time.

Don't you ever just shut up?

-I'm gonna take a walk.
-No.

No, no, no. I'm taking a walk.

You can stay here
with your boxes of shit

and your shoe-eating dog,

and you can knock yourself out,

putting on the Rogaine
and the Speed Stick.

This is why I need a second door.

I heard that!

I used to think those people
who sat alone at Starbucks

writing on their laptops
were pretentious poseurs.

Now I know.

They're people
who have recently moved in with someone.

As I looked around, I wondered
how many of them were mid-fight,

like myself.

The hard thing
about fighting in relationships,

as opposed to Madison Square Garden...

no referee.

There's no one to tell you
which comments are below the belt,

or when to go to your separate corners.

As a result, someone usually gets hurt.

And it seems the closer a couple gets,

and the more stuff they have
between them,

the harder it is to figure out
exactly why they're yelling.

When it comes to relationships,
I couldn't help but wonder...

what are we fighting for?

Hello, my darling.

I'm home.

What are you...

Is that a surprise for me?

Yes, it is.

Don't get all excited,
it's just a little silly something.

-What is it?
-Open it.

It's a cardboard baby.

I saw it in the window
of a novelty store next to the hospital.

See, now we can relax,
because we have one.

Oh, dear.

It was supposed to be funny.

I thought we'd have a chuckle.

Don't talk to me.

See, it was a novelty store.

-The clerk said that they--

But to Charlotte, it was
definitely hitting below the belt.

If the meat is about
a quarter of an inch thick...

- Mmm-hmm.
- Um...

And across town,
Miranda decided it was time

to put on the gloves
and come out swinging.

Leave a message.

Hi, Walker, Miranda.

Before you leave for Brussels on Monday,
how about getting together Friday night?

My apartment. Call me.

Pregnant or not,
Miranda had needs,

and decided to stop fighting them.

Now, if you like it spicy,
add some of those...

And surprisingly,

Samantha developed
some Secret Single Behavior of her own.

Seven hours
and a landslide of lattes later,

I vibrated home,
prepared to admit how silly I'd been.

That was, until he wasn't prepared
to admit how silly he'd been.

He yelled, then I yelled.

It's been three days, and nothing.

Not a word. And I'll be damned
if I say I'm sorry first.

Well, Trey and I hardly ever yell.

We're Wasps.
Wasps don't yell, it's genetic.

-Would anyone like more salad?
-No, we're done. What's the main course?

Hey, relax. Chew. You'll get laid.
You're not meeting him until 10:00.

-Beef with Thai noodles.
-Ooh!

Richard is thinking of opening
a hotel in Thailand.

Sweetie? It's perfectly okay
to like a guy.

For the last time,
the only thing I like about Richard

is his big, throbbing,
rock-hard, perfect dick.

Whoops. Forgot it was ladies' night.

-Trey, you're not supposed to be here.
-Good evening, everyone.

- Good evening.
- Hello.

- Hi.
-Hello, Mrs.

Still mad, I see.

I suppose she told you about the baby.

No, I didn't.
I never want to think about it again.

Well, see...

-I was trying to make Charlotte laugh--
-It's not funny.

Wait a minute now.
Maybe they'll think it's funny.

Uh, see, we were so tense
about not being able to have one,

that I gave Charlotte a cardboard baby.

Isn't that funny?

Carrie, you're funny.

Cardboard baby, that's funny, right?

I mean, it's not funny "ha-ha,"

but silly.

See, they sell them in novelty stores.

And other people buy them,
and the clerk said that it was funny.

You know what, maybe you have to see it.

Don't you bring that thing in here.

-It's silly.
-Not to me, it isn't.

How would you feel if I gave you
a cardboard cut-out

of a big, flaccid penis?

It's not so funny now, is it?

Don't you bring that flat baby in here.
I will kill you!

How dare you talk to me like that
in front of your friends?

Oh, they know
all about your penis problems.

And they're just sick
of hearing about it.

There we were,
right in the middle of a Wasp nest.

This is unforgivable!

No, what's unforgivable
is you denying me my baby

because of your own
selfish, spoiled needs.

- I'm spoiled?
-Yes.

You. You are spoiled.

-Ever since we moved back in here,

-it's been nothing but "baby, baby."
-Samantha Jones.

-What about me?
-Richard.

What about you,
you big baby?

-Hello.
- How dare you say that to me

when I always try to give you
everything you've ever wanted.

-No, no, it's not too late to call.
-Everything but a baby!

-Um, we're gonna go.
-Good.

Oh, don't you talk
to my friends like that.

-Without a baby, they're all I have.
-It's okay.

- And what am I?
-You are the man

who gave me a cardboard baby.

-It was funny.
-No, it wasn't!

Good night!

Okay, what's so important
that it couldn't wait until--

This.

Let's get something straight.

I want no part of that.

That turns everything
into a big screaming mess.

We are work and sex, nothing more.

Now,

kindly take off those pants
and show me your dick.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

That's what I'm talking about.

Seeing a bantamweight
championship fight

like Charlotte and Trey's
made me feel thankful

that Aidan and I were still
in the banter weight division.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

That night,
I slept in my clothes.

Trey and his baby
slept in the guest room.

And Charlotte no longer cared
what Trey thought.

Fuck me.

-Fuck me like there's no tomorrow.
-Yeah.

For her last meal,
the condemned woman had seconds...

and thirds.

Samantha met the dawn
after a night of SSB.

-Thanks.
-Sexy Swimming Behavior.

Dance with me.

What did I say?

I'm your boss.

It's an order.

You think I'd leave your side baby

Richard.

You know me better than that

You think I'd leave you down
When you're down on your knees

I wouldn't do that

I'll tell you you're right when you want

Samantha finally
threw in the towel.

All this time, she'd been trying
to make him just a perfect dick,

fighting her feelings
that he might be the perfect Richard.

Oh, when you're cold

I'll be there
Hold you tight to me

And back at
the Bradshaw-Shaw residence

it was pretty much business as usual.

Hey, what's up?
Where you been? Who'd you see?

You're so much better than you know

When you're lost and you're alone
And you can't get back again...

Buddy, I need you to do something.

What?

I've never lived with anybody
before you,

so I don't know
how to say this correctly...

but I need you to not talk to me
for one whole hour.

I know that sounds pretty selfish,
but it's just what I need. Is that okay?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, good.

We don't have any other rooms yet,

so, I'm gonna close these,

and then it's like I'm not here.

For one whole hour, I'm not here.

Thanks.

I love you.

I'll tell you you're right when you want

And if only you could see into me

So, what are you doing out here?

Oh, when you're cold

I'll be there...

That's the thing about needs.

Sometimes when you get them met,
you don't need them anymore.

As our 30 days wore on,

Aidan and I miraculously managed
to not kill each other.

But as I predicted...

Toodle-oo!

...the plant was not so lucky.

Oh, when you're low

I'll be there by your side, baby