All language subtitles for s.2000.720p.BluRay.x264.A.MX]

Woman: I'VE BEEN A
HUMUNGOUS FAN OF THE SPECIALS

SINCE I WAS KNEE-HIGH
TO SOMETHING, FOR SURE.

ALL MY FRIENDS
WOULD MAKE FUN OF ME

BECAUSE THE SPECIALS
WERE NOT A COOL GROUP

LIKE THE AMAZING TRIO,

OR THE CRUSADERS. BUT,
YOU KNOW, SCREW THAT.

I ALSO LIKED WINGER
BETTER THAN BON JOVI.

I STILL DO. I DON'T CARE
WHAT THE CRITICS SAY.

( rock music plays )

♪ IT GOES A LITTLE
SOMETHING LIKE... ♪

♪ LIKE THIS ♪

♪ IN MY SHOES, MY
TOES ARE BUSTED ♪

♪ MY KITCHEN SAYS
MY BREAD IS MOLDED ♪

♪ I GOT A GOOD JOB
AT THE DOLLAR STORE ♪

♪ ONE FOOT IN THE HOLE,
ONE FOOT GETTIN' DEEPER ♪

♪ WITH A BROKEN MIRROR
AND A BLOWN-OUT SPEAKER ♪

♪ AND I AIN'T GOT
MUCH ELSE TO LOSE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE
STAR OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ AND THE BOTTOM DROPS OUT ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE
STAR OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ THEN THE BOTTOM DROPS OUT ♪

-( alarm beeps )
- ♪ CHECK IT, CHECK IT OUT ♪

♪ I'M BENT LIKE GLASS,
SECONDHAND LIKE GLORY ♪

♪ MISSED THE BUS,
BUT I'M IN NO HURRY ♪

♪ MOLASSES FAST,
NO BUSINESS BORN ♪

♪ ONE FOOT IN THE HOLE,
ONE FOOT GETTIN' DEEPER ♪

♪ CRANK IT TO 11, BLOW
ANOTHER SPEAKER AND... ♪

♪ I AIN'T GOT... I AIN'T
GOT MUCH TO LOSE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE
STAR OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ AND THE BOTTOM DROPS OUT ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE
STAR OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT I'VE
SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ THE BOTTOM DROPS OUT ♪

-( alarm beeps ) - ♪ I'VE BEEN
THE STAR OF SO MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I WALKED ON THE EDGE ♪

♪ WITH THAT HOBO WAY ♪

-♪ The bottom drops out ♪
-♪ BECAUSE I KNOW ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT I'VE
SEEN BETTER... ♪

-♪ BETTER DAYS ♪
-♪ Then the bottom drops... ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE
STAR OF MANY PLAYS ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

- ( car horn honks ) - ♪
And the bottom drops out ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THE STAR
OF MANY PLAYS. ♪

- ( phone rings )
-Woman: SPECIALS HQ.

-Man on phone: Is Valiant Lass there?
-NO.

Well, why not?

BECAUSE VALIANT LASS IS NO
LONGER A MEMBER OF THE SPECIALS.

- Oh, she's not?
-NO.

-Who's she with?
-SHE'S WITH THE CRUSADERS.

SO WHAT'S THE REASON
FOR YOU CALLING US, THEN?

TED... THAT'S COMING DOWN.

IT'S ME. IT'S FROM A FAN.

WELL, YOU SHOULD CALL THE
CRUSADERS THEN. THEY'RE...

MM-HM?

WHY WOULD WE HAVE NUDE
PHOTOGRAPHS OF OUR EX-MEMBERS ON FILE?

NEW GIRL'S HERE. I FOUND HER PEEKING
THROUGH THE WINDOWS IN THE BACK.

-YOU WOULDN'T WANT ONE.
-MR. SMART...

WHAT IS THAT INTRIGUING DEVICE

-SITTING UPON YOUR NOSE?
-I'VE SEEN VALIANT LASS NAKED

AND SHE HAS A VESTIGIAL PENIS.

CYCLO-LUCIDIC NASAL ENHANCER.

IT INCREASES MY ABILITY TO SMELL

-BY OVER 3,000%.
-( machine beeps )

( sniffs, mechanical whirring )

ASBESTOS.

-I'M THE GREAT STROBE.
-SHELLY.

SHELLY, WELCOME TO SPECIALS H.Q.

-Woman: ALL RIGHT.
-( phone hangs up )

I'M EMILY.

-MS. INDESTRUCTIBLE.
- WE SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

AS A SPECIAL, YOU'LL EXPERIENCE

ALL SORTS OF EXOTIC WONDERS.

IN AFRICA, WE DISCOVERED
A TRIBE OF PYGMIES

THAT FEASTED UPON A
HARMLESS HUMAN BABY.

( chuckles ) IT WASN'T A BABY.

-IT WAS A BABY.
-NO, TED.

IT WAS A RABBIT
THAT THEY'D SHAVED

-AND YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A BABY.
-I SAW ITS FINGERS.

NIGHTBIRD, I ENJOYED YOUR
APPLICATION VERY MUCH.

-THE VIDEO FOOTAGE OF YOUR SUPERPOWERS...
-MY DAD FILMED IT.

IT WAS EXCEPTIONAL.
LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.

I'M NOT SAYING THE GREAT STROBE
IS BETTER THAN OTHER HUMANS...

I AM, BUT THAT'S
BESIDES THE POINT.

I CAN SHOOT LASER
BEAMS OUT OF MY ARMS.

THAT'S WHAT SETS ME APART.

CAN OTHER HUMANS DO THAT?

CAN THEY?

CAN THEY?

DON'T GET JELLY ON THE COUCH.

- And on the home front, -
OOH, DUDE, TURN IT UP!

Silver Lake's The
Specials will be toasted

by Kosgro Toys this evening

at a reception celebrating
next week's release

of The Specials action figures.

FUCK.

This is certainly a great
moment in our 10-year history.

Now, if someone
says, "Hey... Specials.

They're a bunch of second-rate

no-account layabouts,"

well, they'll be wrong.

The Crusaders
and the Annihilators,

and the Anti-Evil Gang
and the Amazing Trio.

They've all had
action figures for years.

So now we're, like,
sort of, this makes...

cut it out. Why did you...

This makes us, like,
you know, big time.

It's really all just
a testament to

you, the fans,

for your unrelenting support.

And...

and to my father,

the original Weevil.

-( sniffles )
-Man: NICE CRYIN'.

OH, COME ON. I
WAS BEING SINCERE.

- Weevil and the crew
will be available - RIGHT.

At Wal-Marts and Toys R
Us, throughout the Southland.

-( gasps ) -YOU KNOW OUR
MOST POPULAR MEMBER, I SEE.

( chuckles ) HI. I'M WEEVIL.

-I'M A BIG FAN.
-OH, THANKS.

WHERE ARE YOUR ANTENNAS?

HM? OH. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

-I ONLY WEAR THOSE AROUND THE PRESS.
-OH.

( giggles )

WOW.

OKAY.

I'VE HAD SUPERPOWERS LONGER THAN

ANYONE ELSE IN
THE SPECIALS, I THINK.

WELL, SINCE I WAS 14.

WHICH EXPLAINS WHY I'M
PROBABLY THE ONLY ONE

WITH A PEZ DISPENSER
WITH A LITTLE ME ON IT.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO EIGHT.

EIGHT SEPARATE BODIES
WITH A SINGLE MIND.

EIGHT IS ACTUALLY ONE PERSON

WHO CAN BE IN EIGHT DIFFERENT
PLACES AT THE SAME TIME.

-I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM.
-IT'S "HIM," ACTUALLY.

AND THAT'S BECAUSE HE
REFUSES TO DO PUBLICITY.

-All Eights: MMN.
-THIS DOUGHNUT IS DELICIOUS.

COOL. I WISH I HAD ANOTHER ME.

DEADLY GIRL!

YOU ARE ONE OF MY GREAT HEROES.

BITCHIN', MY OWN STALKER.

I'M TIM. WELCOME ABOARD.

I'M ON BOARD.

I AM A HUGE FAN, MINUTE MAN.

IT'S... MINUTE MAN

-OH GOD, I'M SO DUMB.
-IT'S BECAUSE I'M ABLE TO TURN SMALL.

-I'M SORRY.
-IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

Strobe: IN LIGHT OF
TONIGHT'S RECEPTION,

IT'S ONLY APPROPRIATE
THAT WE DISCUSS

SOME OF THE PUBLIC BEHAVIOR

OF SOME OF THE GROUP'S MEMBERS,

WHICH, AS OF LATE,
HAS BEEN LACKING

A CERTAIN, SHALL WE SAY, TACT.

- ( phone rings faintly )
-WITNESS THIS PHOTOGRAPH

OF AMOK AND WEEVIL

SMOKING CIGARETTES
IN A BATHROOM STALL.

APPEARED IN THE
"L.A. DAILY NEWS."

TED, IT'S NOT LIKE WE WERE
WALKING DOWN MAIN STREET.

WE CROUCHED DOWN IN A STALL.
A GUY CAME IN WITH A CAMERA.

YOU DON'T SEE THE CRUSADERS
SMOKING CIGARETTES.

WHAT IF THEY WERE
DOING NUMBER TWO?

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, MY FRIEND,

WHEN I FIRST GAINED
MY SUPERPOWERS...

-HERE WE GO AGAIN.
-SOME OF US...

MAY NOT THINK
THIS IS TRIVIAL, PAL.

SOME OF US MAY
WANT TO HEAR THIS.

NOTE THE NEW MEMBER,
FOR INSTANCE, NIGHTBIRD.

-I WANNA HEAR IT.
-THANK YOU...

- POWER CHICK -
YOU'RE WELCOME, TED.

SOMEONE'S PLAYING WITH PLAY-DOH.

-IS THIS NECESSARY?
-YES!

TONIGHT'S RECEPTION
HURLS US INTO A NEW ERA.

SUPERHEROES DON'T GET
OSCARS, WE GET ACTION FIGURES.

KOSGRO TOYS ARE
THE THIRD LARGEST

MANUFACTURER OF ACTION
FIGURES IN THE WORLD.

AND WE GET 11% ROYALTIES.

THAT'S 11 OUT OF EVERY $100.

YES, AND AT LONG LAST,

-WE CAN TRANSFORM THIS INTO A REAL H.Q.
-OOH.

FIRST, CINEMA-VISION WIDESCREEN
TELEVISION TO MAP OUT BATTLE PLANS.

WHAT'S SONAR? LET'S GET THAT.

DON'T FORGET THE
WIDESCREEN TELEVISION.

WHEN I FIRST GAINED
MY SUPERPOWERS...

OH, JESUS! NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR

YOUR BORING
FUCKING ORIGIN STORY!

-LET'S TAKE A VOTE.
-LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, MY FRIEND.

YOU'RE NOT MY FUCKING FRIEND!

MAYBE EVERY ONCE IN
AWHILE I WANT TO GO OUT

AND HAVE A BEER AND BANG
SOME SLUTRAG TILL HER EYES BLEED.

AND MAYBE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
IF IT GETS IN THE "L.A. DAILY POST"!

I SAVE LIVES.

I DON'T THINK I OWE ANYBODY
ANYTHING OTHER THAN THAT.

-YOU'VE ALSO TRIED TO TAKE LIVES.
- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THAT WAS A LONG TIME
AGO, OKAY? I WAS A KID.

I GOT CAUGHT UP WITH THE
WRONG BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

YOU GOT CAUGHT UP WITH THE
WRONG BUNCH OF PEOPLE, MISTER.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING CAUGHT
UP IN SOME PRETTY SICK IDEAS.

- ( grunts ) - FORGET IT!
FORGET I SAID A THING!

NOBODY'S SAYING THAT, AMOK.

I LIKE YOU. IT'S JUST...

SOMETIMES I THINK YOU MUST
BE HURTING SO MUCH INSIDE

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO... AGGRESSIVE.

YOU'RE 12-STEPPING ME
TO DEATH HERE, BITCH.

NOT APPROPRIATE! BACK OFF!

( timidly ) I'D LIKE TO
HEAR THE STORY.

IT WOULDN'T BE BORING TO ME,

-BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HEARD IT.
-( grunts )

OKAY.

AMOK SUGGESTED
THAT WE TAKE A VOTE.

LET'S VOTE. EMILY?

EVERYONE IN FAVOR,
RAISE YOUR HAND.

-EIGHT'S ONLY ONE VOTE.
-THAT'S STILL ONLY SIX.

THERE ARE 12
MEMBERS IN THE GROUP.

- ( phone ringing )
-EMILY?

OH, JESUS.

WHEN MY BROTHER AND I FELL

INTO THE VAT OF MYSTERIOUS
RADIOACTIVE CHEMICALS

AT THE PHOTO PROCESSING PLANT

AND WOKE UP IN THE
HOSPITAL THREE WEEKS LATER

WITH POWERS NO OTHER HUMAN
HAD EVER KNOWN BEFORE US,

A PHRASE CAME TO MIND,

SEEMINGLY, WORDS OF GOD.

"WITH SUPER POWER, COMES
SUPER RESPONSIBILITY."

AND I REALIZED AT THAT POINT

THAT I... WAS BLESSED

AND WOULD NOT BE
AFFORDED THE CAPRICIOUSNESS

OF OTHER MEN,
COMMON MEN, LITTLE MEN.

THOUSANDS OF
CHILDREN WOULD SEE ME

AROUND THE WORLD
AS A PART OF GOD.

IF A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC

SEES ME IN A BAR
DRINKING ALCOHOL

AND HE HAS A POSTER OF THE
GREAT STROBE ON HIS WALL AT HOME

AND HE SAYS TO HIMSELF,

"THE GREAT STROBE
CAN SHARE A BEER,

HAVE A SHOT, WHY CAN'T I?

WHO AM I? I'M A LITTLE MAN."

AND HE GETS DRUNK
AND HE GOES HOME

AND HE BEATS HIS WIFE
TO DEATH WITH A CROWBAR!

THAT MAY AS WELL BE MY HAND

BEATING THAT WOMAN TO DEATH!

OR IF I'M CAUGHT BY
A TABLOID REPORTER,

URINATING ON A
PROSTITUTE FOR PLEASURE

IT'S DISGUSTING, BUT...

IT REALLY HAPPENED TO
CAPTAIN OSIRIS IN MILWAUKEE.

AND THEN A LITTLE BOY
URINATES ON HIS SISTER.

AND SHE HAS A CUT ON HER ARM.

LITTLE TINY ARM.

AND THE CUT BECOMES INFECTED

AND THE INFECTION
GOES TO GANGRENE

AND EVENTUALLY,
THE ARM IS REMOVED.

THAT MAY AS WELL HAVE BEEN ME

URINATING ON THAT LITTLE GIRL.

WITH SUPER POWERS COMES
SUPER RESPONSIBILITY, DAMN IT.

LAUGH AT MY MANNER, IF YOU
MUST, BUT PLEASE, PLEASE...

HEED MY WORDS.

THANK YOU.

WOW. THAT IS A GOOD STORY!

I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MY VOTE.

I'D LIKE TO CHANGE IT TO "YES,

I WOULD LIKE TO
HEAR THAT STORY."

TED MIGHT HAVE BEEN
RIGHT ABOUT SOME THINGS.

LIKE DRINKING.

LAST WEEK I GOT
DRUNK AT A BAT MITZVAH,

UNTHINKINGLY
SUMMONED FORTH DEMONS

AND... THEY ATE A KID.

YOU KNOW, TED REALLY
PISSED ME OFF BACK THERE.

-( snorts )
-I KNOW.

WHERE DOES HE GET OFF
REPRIMANDING ME LIKE I'M SOME CHILD?

WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE
FOR MY HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT WE'RE ALL UPTIGHT
ABOUT THIS KOSGRO THING, BUT...

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

NOT NOW.

-LATER?
-MM-HM.

-THE BANQUET?
-YES.

-OKAY, GOOD.
-OKAY.

EVERY MORNING, I LOOK DOWN,

I'M WEARING BOOTS WITH
LIGHTNING BOLTS ON THEM

AND I THINK,

"WHERE DID I MAKE
THE WRONG TURN?"

SO WHAT'S YOUR SUPERPOWER,

NIGHTBIRD?

DO YOU TURN INTO A BIRD?

I JUST HAVE SOME
DUMB BIRD POWERS.

-BIRD POWERS?
- IT'S HARDLY ANYTHING, REALLY.

IT HARDLY MAKES ME
ANYTHING MORE THAN NORMAL.

THAT'S VERY MODEST.

I'M GONNA GET KILLED. I KNOW IT.

NOT WITH BIRD POWERS, YOU AIN'T.

I'M EVEN AFRAID OF TOUGH
MIDDLE-SCHOOL KIDS.

AND NOW IF I HAVE TO FACE
GIANT ROBOTS OR SOMETHING,

I'M GONNA WANT TO
BLOW MY HEAD OFF.

I USED TO THINK THAT MY
SUPERPOWERS WERE SORT OF WORTHLESS.

BUT ALL IT TAKES IS
ONE NUCLEAR WEAPON

THAT'S FALLEN INTO A
CRAWL SPACE OR A NOOK

-AND SUDDENLY, YOU ARE ALL THE RAGE.
-( chuckles )

LISTEN, THERE'S THIS
TOY PARTY THING TONIGHT.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO...

I MEAN LIKE A...

SAME CAR SITUATION
TYPE OF THING.

LIKE, A DATE?

THAT.

OKAY.

( hard rock music playing )

HI, GUYS.

RAISIN? RAISIN?

HEY, TONY, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THE NEW CHICK?

-SHE'S OKAY, I GUESS.
-I KIND OF WANT TO FUCK HER.

-SHE'S A FOX.
-SHUT UP.

-SHE'S A LITTLE YOUNG.
-BUT FUCKABLE.

RAISINS COME FROM VINES.

SHE'S CUTE THOUGH, RIGHT?

YES, BUT I WISH HER
BREASTS WERE LARGER.

LIKE WHAT? ZEPPELINS?

WAR!

SEX? IT'S DIFFICULT.

I GET CHARGED UP, THE
ANTI-MATTER STARTS FLYIN',

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I'M
HUMPING A CHICK WITHOUT AN ASS.

I SHOULD'VE JUST STAYED HOME.

THIS IS THE OUTSIDE.
IT'S MADE OF BRICKS...

AND SOME OTHER STUFF.

LUMBER.

THIS IS THE THING WHERE
THE GUY COMES ONCE A MONTH

AND HE WRITES DOWN HOW
MUCH YOUR LIGHTBULBS HAVE USED.

YOUR... ELECTRICITY?

THIS IS THE HALL OF HONOR.

THERE'S SOMETHING
I WANT TO SHOW YOU.

SALT SHAKERS. THEY'RE
SHAPED LIKE TWO LITTLE PEOPLE.

YOU CAN MAKE THEM
HAVE CONVERSATIONS.

WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES?

WELL THIS ONE'S A MAN,

SO HIS NAME IS SALT SHAKER.

THIS IS THE BASEMENT. YOU
WANT TO SEE THE FURNACE?

THAT'S OKAY.

IT'S HOT.

DON'T PRESS YOUR FACE
AGAINST IT FOR TOO LONG,

OR YOU GET RED
STREAKS ON YOU FOR, LIKE,

A MONTH.

THERE'S MORE. BACKYARD.

POWER CHICK'S GARDEN.

SHE'S PLANTING GARDENS.

-( grunting )
-Power Chick: NO, DOUG, BAD!

- BAD, BAD, NO!
-HE DOES STUFF LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME,

BECAUSE HE'S STUPID.
FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED. THERE'S SOMETHING
OVER HERE. DID I SHOW YOU THIS THING?

-A GUY COMES HERE EVERY MONTH!
-Deadly Girl: LISTEN, HERE'S A RIDDLE:

WHAT'S MS. INDESTRUCTIBLE'S
SUPERPOWER?

( phone rings )

GUESS!

SHE HAS INDESTRUCTIBLE SKIN THAT
CAN WITHSTAND AN ATOMIC BLAST.

WRONG. SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH.

THAT'S MY SISTER-IN-LAW.

NEXT TIME YOUR
BROTHER WIFE-BEATS HER,

TELL HIM TO HIT HER IN THE EYE.

HER EYES ARE NORMAL.

HERE'S ANOTHER: WHAT'S
THE NEW GIRL'S SUPERPOWER?

-DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO?
-THIS IS WHAT I DO.

ONE THING THAT
HAPPENED THAT SUCKED

WAS THAT I LOST MY SHRINKING
ABILITY FOR TWO WEEKS.

LIKE A FLU BUG OR... I MEAN, I
DIDN'T LOSE THEM ENTIRELY,

I WAS ABLE TO SHRINK
DOWN TO ABOUT 4'5",

BUT JUST BEING SHORT
ISN'T REALLY A SUPERPOWER.

THANK YOU... FOR THESE...

FIGURES.

THANK YOU...

FOR THESE...

-GELSON.
-OH, GREAT!

THAT IS SO FANTASTIC!

- HE DIDN'T SAY IT.
- YES, HE DID. HE JUST SAID IT.

NO, HE DIDN'T. HE SAID,
"THANK YOU FOR THESE GELSON."

OH, HE SAID IT PERFECTLY,
DIDN'T YOU, DOUG?

-THANK YOU.
- OOPS!

-OOPS! AW.
-"DOUG?"

"ALIEN ORPHAN'S" NOT A
NAME. HE NEEDS A NAME.

THANK YOU

-FOR THESE GELSON.
-OH, YOU ARE SO CUTE!

HE'S NOT CUTE. HE'S HORRIFYING.

-MAKE HIM STOP.
-HE'S SMILING!

- MAKE HIM STOP!
-AW.

Man: HONESTLY, TED.
THERE IS A MINT TO BE MADE

FOR SUPERHUMANS IN
THE PRIVATE SECTOR.

NEW STANDARDS INC. IT'S A
PLASTICS COMPANY IN DETROIT.

THEY SPEND MILLIONS
EVERY YEAR ON LASERS.

SOMEONE WITH YOUR TALENTS
COULD PERFORM DELICATE WELDING...

YEAH, THAT'S THE MOST
BORING STORY I'VE EVER HEARD.

COME ON, JERRY.
LET'S BE TRUTHFUL.

DON'T YOU MISS BEING ZIP BOY,

- THE FASTEST KID IN THE WORLD?
-I... I DON'T.

HOW 'BOUT THE TIME WE CAPTURED
AND DRAINED THE AMAZING BLISTER?

I ENJOY MY JOB.

I ENJOY RECRUITING
OTHER SUPERHUMANS

INTO A BETTER, MORE
PROFITABLE LIFESTYLE.

AND I CAN STILL
UTILIZE MY POWERS,

I RAN HERE FROM
YEMEN THIS MORNING,

FOR CHRIST'S SAKES. 28 MINUTES.

-HA! GOOD TIME.
-YEAH.

-SOUNDS GREAT, BUT I...
-WHY DON'T YOU COME BY THE PARTY TONIGHT?

MEET THE NEW STANDARD FOLKS.

I CAN'T. I CAN NOT.

THE KOSGRO RECEPTION.

OH, RIGHT. THE TOYS.

SOME OF YOU MAY BE WONDERING

"HOW DID THE
SPECIALS COME TO BE?"

WELL, THE GROUP
WAS THE BRAINCHILD

OF TED AND TIM TILDERBROOK,

BETTER KNOWN TO THE WORLD
AS THE STROBE, AND MINUTE MAN.

THE ORIGINAL FIVE WERE
FRIENDS BEFORE BEING TEAMMATES.

TED AND TIM... HE WAS
MINUTE BOY BACK THEN.

MS. INDESTRUCTIBLE, THE
WEEVIL AND STRETCHIE BOY!

STRETCHIE BOY JOINED THE GROUP

WHEN WE WERE AROUND FOR...

-ABOUT WHAT, A YEAR?
-ABOUT A YEAR.

STRETCHIE BOY HAD
STRETCHING POWERS.

IT'S A PRETTY COMMON
SUPERPOWER WHERE HE WAS FROM,

-UP IN THE NORTHWESTERN STATES.
-TACOMA.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE
FLUORIDATION IN THE WATER.

UNFORTUNATELY,
THE SAME CHEMICALS

THAT GAVE HIM HIS SUPERPOWERS
GAVE HIM MOUTH CANCER

AND HE WAS DEAD IN SIX MONTHS.

THE SAME THING HAPPENED
TO CAPTAIN ELASTIC,

-FLAGPOLE LAD...
-GOOEY STAN.

LIKE A HOLOCAUST
OF RUBBERY PEOPLE.

OUR NEXT MEMBER WAS MR. SMART,

WHO CLAIMED TO BE THE
WORLD'S MOST INTELLIGENT MAN.

Power Chick: THEN CAME EIGHT,
THE HERO WITH EIGHT FACES.

SOME CLAIM THE C.I.A. WAS BEHIND

THE MYSTERIOUS FUSION OF
EIGHT CONSCIOUSNESSES INTO ONE.

EIGHT WAS FOLLOWED
IN RAPID SUCCESSION BY

U.S. BILL AND HIS SUPERSTRENGTH.

Power Chick: THE ANTI-MATTER
BLASTING BAD BOY, AMOK.

Weevil: AND POWER CHICK,
WHO HAS THE ABILITY

TO MUTATE HER BODY INTO
ANY MATERIAL THAT SHE TOUCHES

WHETHER IT BE WOOD, METAL,

OR HECK, A FRUIT ROLL-UP.

( giggles ) I'D BE YUMMY THEN.

NEXT CAME DEADLY
GIRL WHO HAS THE ABILITY

TO ENTER THE WORLD OF THE DEAD

AND THEN REAPPEAR
ANYWHERE SHE WANTS.

Weevil: AND THE
SHAPE-SHIFTING ALIEN ORPHAN

WHO'S SHIP
CRASH-LANDED ON EARTH.

ALIEN ORPHAN'S BODY WAS
ORIGINALLY A GREEN GLOBULE.

BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE, OUR
EXTRATERRESTRIAL PAL

HAS BEEN ABLE TO TAKE
ON WHAT'S ESSENTIALLY

A HUMAN FORM.

THIS IS THE GROUP THAT
HAS HAD SUCH KEEN VICTORIES

AS RECENTLY SAVING THE
ISLAND PROVINCE OF SAN FELIPE

FROM A FLOCK OF
MURDEROUS PTERODACTYLS,

AND LAST FALL,
STOPPING THE ANAL SLUG

FROM RUINING THE LIVES OF
ANY MORE SENIOR CITIZENS.

I extracted this

from an 83-year-old
Caucasian male.

It's a pretty good one.

AND SO NOW, WE BOLDLY ENTER

A NEW CHAPTER IN
SPECIALS HISTORY.

I FOR ONE, HAVE A FEELING
THAT STRETCHIE BOY

IS SMILING FROM ABOVE.

OR HE WOULD BE..

IF... IF HE HAD A MOUTH.

Strobe: IT JUST WOULD'VE
BEEN NICE TO HAVE GOTTEN

A LITTLE BACKUP FROM
MY WIFE, THAT'S ALL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR THE STORY.

I'VE HEARD THAT STORY MORE
THAN ANYONE IN THE WORLD.

AND AMOK DIDN'T
WANT TO HEAR IT EITHER.

WELL, HERE'S A
NEWS FLASH FOR YOU:

AMOK? HE'S A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

YOU SHOULD WATCH OUT, TED.

SOMEONE COULD BE
SECRETLY RECORDING THIS.

THEY COULD SELL
IT TO "INSIDE EDITION"

AND THEN CHILDREN ALL OVER THE WORLD
WOULD START SAYING "FUCKING ASSHOLE."

ONLY IT WOULD REALLY BE
YOU SAYING "FUCKING ASSHOLE."

OR WOULD THAT BE GOD,
SINCE YOU'RE A PART OF GOD?

-WHY DO YOU MOCK ME?
-BECAUSE...

WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS MOCKING ME

AND EVERYTHING THAT I
AM. MY WHOLE WORLD VIEW.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

YOU'RE JUST...

YOU'RE SAYING THAT...

THAT IT'S A LITTLE WORM.

-WHAT?
-YEAH.

YEAH, LITTLE WORM
THAT LIVES BETWEEN

SOMEBODY'S TOES.

A BIG FAT GUY'S TOES.

OR MAYBE GROWS OUT OF A ROCK.

WORMS DON'T GROW
OUT OF ROCKS, TED!

WELL EXCUSE ME, EMILY.

IF "ROCKWORM" ISN'T
CLEVER ENOUGH FOR YOU.

BUT YOU JUST INSULTED ME.

AND YOU DID IT IN
FRONT OF THE GROUP.

( sarcastically ) THANK YOU.

TED, YOU KNOW, YOU NEED THERAPY.

JUST GET READY, THE
RECEPTION'S AT 8:00.

YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT NEEDS THERAPY.

( door slams )

EMILY?

I'M FROM THE SPECIALS.
THERE'S AN ACTION GUYS THING?

UPSTAIRS.

WELL HECK, U.S. BILL,
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I SCREWED UP.

I THOUGHT IT WAS AT 7:30.

YOU'RE THINKING, "THAT
GUY'S PRETTY STUPID."

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I'M JOEL TIPPEN, CHIEF MARKETING
EXECUTIVE FOR KOSGRO TOYS.

WE'RE GETTING THIS
LITTLE SHINDIG ON THE ROAD.

-NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE.
-MM-HM.

I LIKE THAT THING OVER THERE.

IT'S A DESIGN.

OKAY, SURE.

"KOSEGRO TOYS."

OH, I'M SORRY IT'S
"KOSGRO TOYS."

JUST IN CASE YOU'RE
INTERVIEWED OR ANYTHING.

( groans ) I MESSED UP AGAIN.

OH, NO. THAT'S OKAY.

ME? I'M NO GOOD AT SPELLING.

CAN YOU SPELL GUEST?

WHAT?

THERE'S A "U" IN IT.

Minute: VERY NICE COSTUME.
I LIKE YOUR COSTUME.

IT'S A GOOD COSTUME.

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU...
FORGOT TO TELL YOU...

FORGOT TO TELL YOU THAT I
REALLY LIKE YOUR COSTUME.

HI.

OH, DO YOU WANT TO COME IN,

-MAYBE HAVE A POP?
-YEAH.

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU TODAY THAT
I REALLY LIKE YOUR COSTUME A LOT.

REALLY?

I'M THINKING ABOUT DESIGNING
A NEW COSTUME MYSELF.

COOL.

'CAUSE YOU PROBABLY READ THAT...

SOMETIMES THAT MY
COSTUME MADE ME LOOK GAY.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

A LITTLE... EFFEMINATE

ISN'T... THAT'S NOT THAT BAD.

Radio: ♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

-♪ IZAR IZIGHT ♪
- ♪ Wilza iza pilza in ♪

-♪ THE DOUBLE DU-UTCH ♪
- ♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

-♪ THE DOUBLE DUT BUTCH ♪
- ♪ Dizouble dizutch ♪

♪ THEY'RE STARSKY AND HUTCH. ♪

-DUDE, THEY DIDN'T SAY THAT.
-I KNOW THAT.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU AND I
DON'T WANT YOU TO TELL ANYBODY.

-WHO AM I GONNA TELL?
-WELL, NOBODY.

AND THAT'S WHY I'M
GOING TO TELL YOU.

-BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO PROMISE.
-I PROMISE.

I'VE BEEN OFFERED
MEMBERSHIP IN THE CRUSADERS.

( laughs ) I KNOW.

-ARE YOU GONNA DO THIS?
- NO.

-I DON'T KNOW.
-THOSE GUYS ARE FUCKS.

- YOU THINK?
-THEY PUT ME IN PRISON!

YOU WERE PART OF A
SOCIETY OF SUPERVILLAINS

THAT WAS GOING TO
GIVE THE WORLD SCURVY.

NOT SCURVY. SCABIES.

IT'S LIKE A RASH.

AND I WAS 19 FUCKING YEARS OLD,

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

JERK ALL YOU COCKSUCKERS
OFF TILL I'M AN OLD MAN?

I'M NOT SAYING THAT.

-SCURVY'S WHAT PIRATES GET.
-LOOK I'M JUST SAYING

I MET WITH THESE GUYS...

AND THEY JUST
DIDN'T SEEM SO BAD.

THEY DON'T SEEM SO BAD BECAUSE
THAT'S THE WAY THE C.I.A. WORKS.

THEY TOLD ME THAT IS BULLSHIT.

THAT'S NOT BULLSHIT.
THEY'RE BACKED!

THEY'RE BACKED BY
THE FUCKING C.I.A.!

ALL I'M SAYING IS THERE'D
BE A LOT MORE MONEY,

CERTAINLY A LOT MORE PRESTIGE.

THE GOVERNMENT GIVES THE
CRUSADERS ALL THE BEST GIGS.

I MEAN, THE
SPECIALS... GOD DAMN.

IT'S LIKE BEING THE LAST SAILOR
IN LINE BEHIND THE WHORE.

YOU GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE
GUYS THAT MAKES A JOKE

ABOUT THE SPECIALS
GOING TO SPECIAL SCHOOL?

NO. NO, I AM NOT. ALL RIGHT?

AND I DIDN'T SAY I
WAS GONNA DO THIS.

THOSE PANTS MAKE YOU LOOK
LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY COCK.

DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT?

SO WHERE'S THAT? SAN FELIPE?

WHERE YOU FOUGHT
THE PTERODACTYLS?

IT'S NOT FAR FROM...

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

BRR. I'M FEELING...

COLD.

CHILLY.

IT'S NOT FAR FROM CHILE.

OH.

-OH YEAH, THAT'S FUNNY.
-THANK YOU.

I DON'T THINK I'D EVER BE
ABLE TO FIGHT A PTERODACTYL.

-I DID WHAT WE CALL A WATERMAN.
-HE'S IN THE ANNIHILATORS.

BUT THE THING IS IS THAT
MOST BATTLES ARE ON LAND

SO HIS POWERS ARE PRETTY
USELESS MOST OF THE TIME.

SO, WHEN OUR POWERS ARE USELESS,

WE CALL IT A... A WATERMAN.

RIGHT, THEY'LL PROBABLY
START CALLING IT

-A NIGHTBIRD.
- ( Minute laughs )

THAT'S...

N-NO.

THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT.

MAYBE WE'D BETTER, YOU KNOW, GO.

DEFINITELY, YEAH.

IT'S A PRETTY GOOD
CONVERSATION, THOUGH.

YEAH.

THE GREAT THING ABOUT NOT
GETTING THE PERSON THAT YOU LOVE

IS THAT YOU CAN STILL THINK ABOUT
THAT PERSON AND MASTURBATE,

WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY
THE SAME THING.

( reggae music plays )

( door opens )

OH, GROW UP, WILL YOU?

I DON'T CARE WHAT
YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE.

-DON'T YOU KNOCK?
-I NEED YOUR HELP.

I HAVE A RIGHT TO
KEEP MY FACE A SECRET.

SO, I DON'T ENDANGER MY LIFE

- AND THE LIVES OF THOSE I LOVE.
-YES, VERY GOOD.

-I AGREE. LISTEN...
-WHAT IF I HAVE A KID,

AND SOMEONE FINDS OUT WHO I AM,

AND THEN KIDNAPS MY KID
TO GET ME TO ROB A BANK?

DO YOU HAVE A CHILD?

NO. MAYBE! I'M NOT
GIVING ANY HINTS!

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY
CYCLO-LUCIDIC NASAL ENHANCER.

-YOUR WHAT?
-THIS THING ON MY NOSE!

I CAN'T GET IT OFF.
IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!

I SMELL EVERYTHING!

THE WORLD IS COVERED IN URINE.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO ABOUT IT?

I NEED AN EXTRA SET OF HANDS.

HERE, SEE THESE TWO
LEVERS AT THE BOTTOM?

-THESE?
-YES.

PINCH THOSE TOGETHER
WITH EACH OF YOUR HANDS.

-DON'T PULL YET.
-I'M NOT GONNA PULL

-( rips )
-OW, YOU FUCK!

YOU TORE MY FUCKING NOSTRIL OFF.

YOU TOLD ME TO PULL.

( wailing )

( reggae music continues )

IN THE FACE OF TODAY'S
MOST PRESSING PROBLEMS,

SOMETIMES I FEEL AS IF...

MY SUPERPOWERS
MEAN NOTHING AT ALL.

TAKE THE CRACK
SITUATION, FOR INSTANCE.

CRACK, IN THE HUMBLE
OPINION OF THE GREAT STROBE,

IS WORSE THAN PTERODACTYLS.

THAT'S RACIST.

AMOK IS MAKING A JOKE.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

WE SPECIALS OCCASIONALLY LIKE TO

-JOSH ONE ANOTHER.
-WRONG AGAIN.

HE WILL CALL ME A RACIST,

AND THEN I'LL SAY
SOMETHING BACK TO HIM LIKE,

"BOY ARE YOU A BIG FAT GOOBER."

-BUT...
-YOU'RE THE BIG FAT GOOBER!

-TONY.
-I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

-WHAT PROBLEM.
-PROMISE ME YOU'RE NOT GONNA PANIC!

OKAY, I'M PANICKING.

THAT LINE ABOUT DON'T PANIC

-MAKES ME PANIC.
-RIGHT.

CHECK OUT SMART.

Strobe: HOLY SHIT.

IS THAT A MAXI PAD ON HIS FACE?

IS IT?

WITH SUPER POWERS
COMES SUPER RESPONSIBILITY.

FOR INSTANCE, WHEN
YOU SEE A LITTLE GIRL,

I'M URINATING ON THAT GIRL.

COULD I HAVE YOUR
AUTOGRAPH, MINUTE MAN?

-IT'S MINUTE MAN.
-OH, WHOOPS.

-COULD YOU SIGN THERE?
-MM-HM.

OH, DON'T COVER WEEVIL.

I'M THINKING ABOUT
CHANGING MY NAME.

CHANGING TO WHAT? ( hisses )

TO "SMALL."

-SMALL MAN?
-NO.

JUST... SMALL.

WELL, THAT'S PRETTY STUPID.

IT'S BETTER THAN MR. SMART.

IT'S BETTER THAN
CAPTAIN CUNT-FACE TOO.

WHATEVER. HAVE
YOU SEEN NIGHTBIRD?

YEAH, BEFORE I GOT
LIKE THIS I USED TO DO

AIRBRUSH PAINTINGS
ON THE SIDE OF VANS.

OH YEAH, I SAW
ONE THE OTHER DAY.

IT HAD THIS PICTURE OF
THIS BOWL OF FRUIT ON IT

AND IT SAID, "VAN GO"

YOU KNOW LIKE VAN G-O?

HM, THAT'S CLEVER.

LOVE YOUR OUTFIT.

I THINK THE WEIRDEST SUPERGUY

WAS WITH ME BACK IN THE TEEN
HUSTLERS. CHEST OF DEATH?

OH, YEAH, YEAH. HE
WAS A HAPPENING GUY.

YEAH, AND HE HAD
THAT... THAT THING?

YEAH, HE HAD A HOLE IN
THE CHEST OF HIS COSTUME

AND THIS PIECE OF FLESH

THAT HE COULD JUST STRETCH
OUT AND SLAP SOMEBODY.

HIS SCROTUM.

WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

- NO WAY.
- YES. OH, COME ON. HE... LOOK HE...

HE HAD SOME WEIRD ABILITY TO STRETCH
HIS SCROTUM FOR HUNDREDS OF YARDS.

WHAT HE WOULD DO IS HE
WOULD CUT A HOLE IN HIS UNIFORM

THEN HE WOULD THREAD THE
SCROTUM THROUGH THE HOLE.

IT WOULD DANGLE THEN
HE WOULD JUST SAY

IT WAS JUST SOME
WEIRD PIECE OF FLESH.

- BUT ACTUALLY, IT WAS
HIS SCROTUM - WOW.

ONE TIME HE TICKLED
ME WITH THAT THING!

REALLY?

EXCUSE ME.

HI.

HI.

THIS PUNCH IS GOOD.

OH.

I'M JUST STANDING HERE,
YOU KNOW, DRINKING PUNCH,

LOOKING AT PEOPLE. THEY'RE
WEARING TIES AND STUFF.

-YOU KNOW WHAT?
-WHAT?

YOUR REAL PRETTY.

THANKS.

- THIS PUNCH IS... IT'S REAL GOOD.
- YEAH?

SOME THINGS HAVE FLAVORS THAT TASTE
GOOD ON YOUR TONGUE, DON'T YOU THINK?

YEAH. THAT'S NIGHTBIRD.

THEY WANT US TO GO ON IN
A MINUTE. WEEVIL'S MISSING.

DID YOU JUST GO TO THE BATHROOM?

-YEAH, WHY?
-YOU HAVE A DOT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST
TAKE DIFFERENT ROUTES.

OKAY? FIND HIM, OKAY?

( bell tolling )

IS THIS A PIG OR SOMETHING ELSE?

IT'S A PIG.

- ( microphone feedback)
-Tippen: HI.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE
EVERYBODY HERE TONIGHT.

NOW WE HAVE WHAT OUR
WRITERS WOULD LIKE ME TO CALL

"A SPECIAL SPECIALS TREAT,"

WHICH I REFUSE TO SAY.

( chuckles ) BUT, I
AM PROUD OF IT.

NEVERTHELESS, THE
GUYS IN PRODUCTION

HAVE BEEN PUTTING THEIR
HEARTS AND SOULS INTO THIS.

IT'S GOING TO BE PREMIERING
SATURDAY MORNING ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

LADIES, GENTLEMEN, OUR
ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN COMMENCES.

( applause )

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA LOVE THIS.

All: We want our Specials!

Announcer: You've got it, guys!

How about The Weevil
and his harpoon?

- Or The Strobe and his laser beam?
- ( laser blasts )

Mr. Smart destroys evil
with his skin-burning acid!

Ah, my face! No, it burns! Ow!

IS THAT RICHARD DAWSON?

-( loud buzzing )
-U.S. Bill has a chainsaw

and removable mask!

-Oh, I'm hungry.
- Look out!

That's no refrigerator.
That's The Specials arch-foe,

the evil shape-shifting
Alien Orphan!

- ( maniacal laughter ) - With
his vile henchman, Deadly Girl

the evil clown and
her meat thermometer!

( maniacal laughter continues )

( circus music plays )

But have no fear!

Here comes Mrs. Indestructible!

She'll help you get...

ahead.

And Amok will kick
boot with his battle axe!

I GOT A FUCKING VIKING
HELMET ON MY HEAD?

Minute Man, and his
fishing rod of death.

Get reel!

( hip-hop music playing )

He's a Special just for me!

-Both: Yeah!
- They're The Specials!

And if you don't know
that, you don't rock!

Figures and accessories sold
separately. Clown not available in Vermont.

( applause )

I'M BLACK?

WE HAD TO TAKE A LITTLE MORE
OF A MULTI- CULTURAL APPROACH.

BUT I'M NOT BLACK.

I THINK YOU HAVE VAGUELY
AFRICAN FEATURES.

WE COULD PROBABLY
PULL THIS OFF... EXCUSE...

A MEAT THERMOMETER?

THE KIDS LOVE THE
NEAT ACCESSORIES.

IT'S THE SPECIALS. NOBODY KNOWS
THEY'RE NOT CARRYING MEAT THERMOMETERS.

TELL ME THAT WASN'T
RICHARD DAWSON'S HEAD.

WELL OKAY, YOU GOT ME
THERE. WE HAD SOME OLD HEADS

FROM A LINE OF "HOGAN'S HEROES"
ACTION FIGURES FROM THE '70s.

WE WERE GONNA
USE THE GERMAN GUY,

BUT IT TURNS OUT
WE DIDN'T HAVE...

WHAT?

I'D LIKE TO THANK KOSGRO TOYS...

FOR HONORING THE SPECIALS

WITH THESE ACTION FIGURES.

THEY ARE...

WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE...

HUGEST PIECES OF CRAP

-I HAVE EVER SEEN.
-( crowd murmuring )

I WAS GOING TO TAKE
THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO INTRODUCE OUR
NEWEST MEMBER, NIGHTBIRD,

BUT WHEN YOU CREATE
HER ACTION FIGURE

YOU'LL PROBABLY MAKE A GIANT
TIT COMING OUT OF HER FOREHEAD.

( angry murmuring )

A VIKING?!

AS OF TODAY,

I'M ANNOUNCING THE
DISSOLUTION OF THE SPECIALS.

WE ARE NO LONGER.

TED, HANG ON.

THIS NIGHTBIRD GOT SOME
KIND OF YOKO THING GOING ON.

TED!

SORRY TO BOTHER YOU AT HOME.

WE HAVE A SLIGHT
EMERGENCY HERE, PAL.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CALL THE PLANT IMMEDIATELY

AND SHUT DOWN ALL THE
LINES OF THE SPECIALS.

UM... EVERYBODY?

-HELLO.
-OH, JESUS.

I HAVEN'T SAID THIS ABOUT TOO
MANY PEOPLE, I'M A NICE GUY,

BUT I PRAY THAT
THEY FUCKING DIE!

-TED, GOD DAMN IT WHAT THE HELL WAS...
-LISTEN...

-TED...
-LET GO OF ME.

DON'T THINK THAT YOUR WEEVIL
AGILITY CAN OUTRUN MY LASERS, PAL!

IF I WANTED TO, I COULD
CUT YOUR HEAD OFF

AND THEN DO SOME INTRICATE
WELDING AND SLICING WITH YOUR GUTS!

WHAT?

-GET THE CAMERAS OUT!
-YOU GET THE CAMERAS OUT!

-TONY, WHAT'D YOU DO TO HIM?
-I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

TED, LET'S GO HOME.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS...

I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HOME
IS, LADY, BUT IT'S NOT WITH ME.

-WHAT'D YOU DO TO HIM?
-NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

-HE'S MY FRIEND.
-HE'S MY HUSBAND!

-JUST TELL US WHAT'S WRONG.
- WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU MEAN BEYOND THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE FUCKING MY WIFE?

-( thuds )
-( grunts )

OH, MY EYE!

MY OLD MAN USED TO SAY THAT

LOVE IS WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN YOU FAIL

AT LIVING LIFE ON YOUR OWN.

HE WAS GAY, SO WHAT DID HE KNOW?

U.S. BILL, IN LIGHT OF THE FACT

-THAT THE SPECIALS ARE DISBANDING...
-NO.

HE MADE A MISTAKE.

- THAT ISN'T WHAT HE- - HE SAID,
"AS OF TODAY, WE ARE NO LONGER."

WE ARE NO LONGER...

-AS WE ONCE WERE.
-Reporter: WHAT DID HE MEAN BY THAT?

SOME GUYS ARE BEING KICKED OUT.

WHO?

-MR. SMART.
-EXCUSE ME?

BECAUSE HE'S FAT AND
HE BOSSES ME AROUND.

-THAT'S TRUE.
-SHUT UP.

PUBLIC TRAGEDIES ARE
PART OF BEING A SPECIAL.

EXAMPLE:

TWO YEARS AGO, MR. SMART
WENT TO THE GREENWICH VILLAGE

HALLOWEEN PARADE DRESSED
UP AS A JAPANESE P.O.W.

TALK ABOUT YOUR BAD PRESS.

( car horn honks )

HEY, ARE YOU MINUTE MAN?

CAN WE HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?

MINUTE MAN.

DO I LOOK LIKE A SOLDIER FROM THE
REVOLUTIONARY WAR? I DON'T THINK SO.

AM I WEARING A
THREE-CORNERED HAT? NO.

I TURN SMALL. THINK!

FUCK YOU.

( tires screech )

THAT COSTUME MAKES YOU LOOK GAY.

THIS IS THE PART
WHERE I GO HOME.

NIGHT, BILL.

BYE.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHERE I'M GOING.

-IT'S A SECRET.
-YEAH.

I KNOW THE CURIOSITY
MUST BE KILLING YOU

WHO IS HE?

BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU.
THAT'S MY PRIVILEGE.

IT IS KILLING ME,

BUT I'M GONNA MAKE IT.

WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO
COME IN TOMORROW, ARE WE?

UNLESS WE GET THIS
STRAIGHTENED OUT,

YOU SHOULD JUST SLEEP IN.

-HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW...
-ANY ALCOHOL IN THE PUNCH?

-HOW'S YOUR EYE?
-IT'S...

DEADLY GIRL'S BEEN
WAITING TO DO THIS.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SLEEP
AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT?

I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

THE BEST ONES NEVER ARE.

I NEED SOME TIME

TO THINK ABOUT THINGS.

HEY...

YOU KNOW IN THE LAST "ROLLING
STONE" COSTUMED HERO POLL

- I WAS VOTED "MOST... "
- "MOST WITTY."

THE WORLD LOVES ME

AND YOU MARRIED TED.

IT'S FUNNY HOW YOU ALWAYS
WANT WHAT THE OTHER GUY HAS.

GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, "MADE IN SAN FELIPE."

WHERE WE FOUGHT
THE PTERODACTYLS.

NO WONDER I LOOK
LIKE LEIF ERICKSON.

YOU CAN'T TRUST THOSE PEOPLE.

THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE MONKEYS.

THEY CAN'T WORK A
FACTORY, THEY EAT MUD.

THEIR SPACE PROGRAM
IS THROWING PIECES

-OF BARK AT EACH OTHER.
-AMOK!

UH, POWER CHICK?

OH, JEEZ.

I'M GONNA DRINK AWAY
THE FACT THAT COME FRIDAY,

I AIN'T GONNA HAVE A PAYCHECK.

COME ON.

I DON'T HAVE AN I.D.

( techno dance music playing )

PINBALL.

-YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?
-I'LL HAVE A ROY ROGERS, PLEASE.

GIVE ME A MAI TAI. GREEN
BOY, YOU WANT A MAI TAI?

BLOODY MARY.

( jazz music playing )

I'M LOOKING FOR ZIP BOY.

- IS ZIP BOY HERE?
-( zooms )

-TED.
-OH, HI.

-DON'T CALL ME THAT HERE.
-SORRY, JERRY.

-I'M SORRY.
-NO, THAT'S OKAY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

MY WIFE'S A WEEVIL FUCKER.

HELLO, MS. ESSEX.

EMILY?

HOW MUCH DOES THAT
NEW STANDARD JOB PAY?

THEY'LL COUGH UP A COUPLE
HUNDRED GRAND A YEAR.

-GOOD.
-IT'S FULL TIME.

-GREAT.
-IN DETROIT.

I WANT TO LIVE THERE.

-YOU OKAY?
-I'M GREAT.

ESPECIALLY NOW THAT I
HAVE A GREAT NEW JOB

AS A WELDING ASSHOLE!

WHEN CAN I START?

-ANYTIME.
-TOMORROW?

-SURE.
-EXCELLENT.

-I'LL DRAW UP THE CONTRACTS.
-GREAT.

-MEET ME IN MY OFFICE TOMORROW?
-NO PROBLEM.

-ABOUT 11:00?
-I'M THERE.

- BREAKFAST?
-CAN'T WAIT TO GET STARTED.

HEY. YOU'RE DEADLY GIRL?

YOU'RE...

FLOWER... HEAD?

SUNLIGHT GRRRL.

G-R-R-R-L?

RIGHT.

WE SAW ON THE NEWS. YOU
AND THE LOSERS CALLED IT A DAY?

-WE?
-THE FEM FIVE.

I'M HERE TO ASK YOU TO JOIN.

THEN YOU'D BE THE FEM SIX.

THERE ARE ALREADY EIGHT
OF US. TRADITIONAL COUNTING

IS AN OPPRESSIVE
PATRIARCHAL TOOL.

( sighs )

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

BUT IN THE MEANTIME

GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN, WHORE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I
DIDN'T NEED A FAMILY.

I MEAN I HAD THE DEMONS

AND THE WALKING SKELETONS,

BUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A KID

AND A WALKING SKELETON IS,

A KID WON'T EAT THE SOFT PARTS OF
YOUR FACE WHILE YOU'RE SLEEPING.

( elevator dings )

VERDICT WILL SEE YOU NOW.

SHELLY...

I'M TURNING MY SUIT IN.

IT'S NOT A BADGE.

I HAVE TO GO.

MAYBE WE CAN CONVINCE
TED TO FORGET THIS.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO.

I CAME HERE TO FIGHT EVIL

AND ALL ANY OF YOU
PEOPLE EVER THINK ABOUT

IS HAVING SEX AND YOUR EGOMANIAS

AND SELLING YOUR TOYS.

-I HAVE TO GO.
-SHELLY...

( knocking on door )

I STARTED TO WRITE DOWN
A PLAN ON HOW TO GET TED

TO PUT THE GROUP BACK TOGETHER.

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

EXACTLY. EXACTLY.
THAT'S THE VERY POINT.

-WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.
-WHERE'S DUCK LASS?

-NIGHTBIRD.
-HER.

I GUESS UNREQUITED LOVE IS
SORT OF A GROUP TRADITION.

THIS ISN'T A PLAN, TIM.

IT'S A DRAWING OF YOUR
BROTHER WITH A BUTT FOR A FACE.

IT'S A SHITTY PLAN. THAT'S
WHY I NEED YOUR HELP.

- ISN'T THAT... "FREEBIE AND THE BEAN"?
- "FREEBIE AND THE BEAN."

YEAH.

I LOVE THIS MOVIE.

( laughs )

♪ NOW WHEN YOU ARE KNEE-DEEP
IN AENEID'S FOOTNOTES ♪

♪ AND YOUR EYES ARE CLOSING ♪

♪ I WILL TAKE YOUR
HEX OUT OF CONTEXT ♪

♪ AND WE WILL STOP THIS POSING ♪

♪ I AM LOOKING AT THE CEILING ♪

♪ THINKING ABOUT
NOTHING REALLY ♪

♪ THE CHURCH SONG ♪

♪ SO COME DOWN NOW ♪

♪ REMOVE YOUR BANDAGE ♪

♪ SO I CAN SEE YOUR DAMAGE ♪

♪ MORE THAN THE LORD KNOWS ♪

♪ SO COME DOWN NOW ♪

♪ REMOVE YOUR BANDAGE ♪

♪ SO I CAN SEE YOUR DAMAGE ♪

♪ MORE THAN THE LORD KNOWS ♪

♪ MORE THAN THE LORD KNOWS ♪

♪ MORE THAN THE LORD KNOWS. ♪

Verdict: YOU KNOW WHAT
FIRST RAN THROUGH MY HEAD

WHEN I DISCOVERED I WAS
THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN?

NO.

"THINK OF THE PUSSY," WEEVIL.

WHAT'S A PUSSY WEEVIL?

OH...

OH, GOD. SORRY, I DIDN'T...

UNDERSTAND YOU...

BUT... YEAH, PUSSY, SURE.

I WAS BEING SMALL MINDED.

THE WORLD IS OUR PUSSY.

SO, WHY ME?

WEEVIL IS A BRAND NAME IN
WHICH WE'D LIKE TO SHARE.

AND YOU HAVE THE...

SUPERPOWER WE MOST ADMIRE.

YOU KNOW HOW TO
MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

YEAH, WELL.

WE ALSO HAVE A LINE OF

CRUSADER BEANIE BABIES
COMING OUT IN AUGUST

AND NONE OF OUR
MEMBERS WEAR BLUE.

THE SYNERGY IS OBVIOUS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN WE GET INTO
THIS LINE OF WORK

AND START OUT TO HELP PEOPLE,

AND THEN WE GET
SIDETRACKED INTO JUST...

WE'RE SUPERHUMAN, WEEVIL.

WE HELP PEOPLE
BECAUSE WE CHOOSE TO,

NOT BECAUSE WE HAVE TO.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES.

SO I'D GET MY OWN FLYING SAUCER?

AND IT'D BE SHAPED
LIKE A WEEVIL?

SO WHERE ARE THE REST OF
THE GUYS TONIGHT THERE, TED?

OH, THEY'RE AROUND, ORESTES.

HOPE YOU DON'T
MIND IF I JUST SIT HERE

-AND HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.
-OH NO, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
GUYS HANG OUT.

A KID WALKS BY,

SEES THE GREAT STROBE, YOU KNOW?

COMES IN AND BUYS A DOUGHNUT.

HEY, ISN'T THAT YOUR FRIEND?

YES, EIGHT.

EIGHT BODIES...

-ONE HEAD.
-ONE MIND.

ONE... ONE MIND, RIGHT.

I ALWAYS TELL MY FRIENDS

THEY'RE SO WEIRD,
YOU SHOULD BELIEVE IT.

-HELLO, EIGHT.
-All: TED.

-NEED HELP WITH THE CLEANING, ORESTES?
-OH, SURE.

WORD IS THAT YOU'VE
DISBANDED THE GROUP.

I ONLY COUNT FIVE.

-WHERE ARE THE REST OF YOU?
-THE BAHAMAS.

-I'M TAKING A LITTLE BREAK.
-THOUGHT I'D FLY AHEAD.

YES, YOU HEARD RIGHT.

THE WORLD DOESN'T REALLY
NEED THE SPECIALS ANYMORE.

THE OTHER GROUPS
HAVE MADE US OBSOLETE.

-I'M NOT HERE TO...
-ASK YOU WHY, TED.

- I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT IT...
-GOES AGAINST THE...

GRAIN.

YOU DO THAT ON
PURPOSE, DON'T YOU?

SWITCHING AROUND
FROM BODY TO BODY

JUST TO FREAK ME OUT?

YOU KNOW I RARELY INTERCEDE.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT

DESPITE MY ALOOF NATURE...

-I CARE. AND WHETHER...
-OR NOT THE WORLD...

-NEEDS THE SPECIALS...
-THE SPECIALS NEED THE SPECIALS.

THE BOUNDARIES
BETWEEN YOU AND ME

ARE JUST SLIGHTLY THICKER
THAN BETWEEN HERE...

AND HERE.

-BECAUSE WE'RE BOTH I, TED...
- WE'RE BOTH "ME."

DIVISION MAKES LIFE INTERESTING.

LESS LONELY, PERHAPS.

BUT IT'S AN ILLUSION,
LIKE MOST OF IT.

( all sigh )

THE SUNRISE.

I'M SITTING ON THE
BEACH IN THE BAHAMAS.

IT IS ASTOUNDING.

THE WORLD IS A...

-BEAUTIFUL...
-SAD...

-PERFECT THING.
-AND LOVE IS ONLY LOVE

- WHEN IT'S
DIFFICULT, - All: TED.

OKAY, THAT'S SPOOKY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.

I'VE ALREADY ACCEPTED
A POSITION IN THE...

FORWARD-LOOKING
INDUSTRY OF PLASTICS.

BUT THANKS FOR
STOPPING BY, EIGHT.

I DO HAVE A PLANE TO CATCH.

AND THAT WOULD BE MY HAND

BEATING THAT WOMAN TO
DEATH WITH THAT CROWBAR.

IT'S CLOSER TO THE
TRUTH THAN YOU THINK.

I LIKE THAT STORY.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T
YOU VOTE FOR IT?

EVERYONE WOULD COPY ME.

I STAY PASSIVE UNLESS NECESSARY.

WHERE WAS THAT GUY
WHEN J.F.K GOT KILLED?

Woman: BILL? THAT YOU?

MOM.

YOU OKAY, HONEY? I
SAW IT ON THE NEWS.

THE STROBE BROKE US APART.

MAYBE IT'S JUST TIME FOR
YOU TO MOVE ON, SWEETIE.

MOM, THE WAY THE
SHADOW IS ON YOUR HEAD

LOOKS LIKE A HAT!

-IS IT STILL LIKE A HAT?
-NO!

-WHAT ABOUT LIKE THIS?
-NOW IT'S LIKE AN EAR!

HELLO? IS SOMEONE COMING?

I HEAR SOMEONE WITH MY EAR!

( laughing )

DUDE, YOU GOT THE HIGH SCORE.

SIMPLE TRIGONOMETRY.

-YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
-I CAN TOO.

-YOU'RE GONNA RAPE DOGS?
- ALL PETS.

I'M GOING BACK TO
BEING A SUPERVILLIAN

AND THAT'S GOING
TO BE MY NEW THING.

BUT WHY ANIMALS?

THEY'RE ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME.

♪ AND I MUST BE THE
FUNKY TARZAN CHILD ♪

♪ COME TO POSH IT UP
IN A MOVIE KIND OF WAY ♪

♪ AND IF WORDS ARE THE
SIX STRINGS ON A GUITAR... ♪

AMOK.

LISTEN, YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.

I LIKE YOU.

-DO NOT.
-I DO!

YOUR CONTRARINESS KEEPS US
FROM RESTING ON OUR LAURELS.

LAURELS?

QUIT MAKING UP WORDS.

AND TONY TELLS ME
YOU'RE A TERRIFIC ARTIST.

HE DID?

HE SAID YOUR VAN
PAINTINGS ARE, LIKE, AMAZING.

I DID ONE, ONE TIME.
HAD A BIG PAINTING

OF A BOWL OF FRUIT
ON IT. IT SAID, "VAN GO."

YOU KNOW, VAN G-O?

THAT IS SO GREAT!

YOU WANNA GO BACK TO MY PLACE?

I SHOULD'VE SAW IT SOONER.

WE'RE LIKE YIN AND YANG.

MAGNETS.

-AMOK.
-WHAT?

I'M GAY!

I WAS ON THE COVER
OF "OUT" MAGAZINE.

-YOU'RE GAY?!
-BUT I THINK YOU'RE GREAT!

MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M SORRY.

( sighs )

- ( dance music plays )
-WHAT'S DOUG DOING?

OH, GOD.

♪ B.B. BUMBLE AND THE STINGERS, MOTT
THE HOOPLE, RAY CHARLES SINGERS ♪

♪ LONNIE MACK AND TWANGIN' EDDY,
HERE'S MY RING, WE'RE GOING STEADY ♪

♪ TAKE IT EASY, TAKE ME HIGHER,
LIAR, LIAR, HOUSE ON FIRE ♪

♪ LOCOMOTION, POCO PASSION,
DEEPER PURPLE, SATISFACTION ♪

♪ BABY, BABY, GOTTA, GOTTA,
GIMMEE GIMMEE, GETTIN' HOTTER ♪

♪ SAMMY'S COOKIN', LESLIE GORE
AND RITCHIE VALENS, END OF STORY ♪

♪ MAHAVISHNU, FUJIYAMA,
KAMA SUTRA, RAMA LAMA ♪

♪ RICHARD PERRY, SPECTOR BARRY,
RIGHTEOUS ARCHIES, NILSSON HARRY ♪

♪ SHIMMY SHIMMY, KOKO BOPPIN'
FATS IS BACK AND FINGER POPPIN' ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO ROLLED ME ♪

♪ GOTTA TURN IT UP LOUDER ♪

♪ SO MY D.J. TOLD ME ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO...
LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO... WHOO! ♪

♪ OH OH OH ♪

♪ OH OH OH ♪

♪ ARTHUR JANOV'S PRIMAL SCREAMIN',
HAWKINS, JAY AND DALE AND RONNIE ♪

♪ KUKLA, FRAN AND NORMAN OKLA,
DENVER JOHN AND OSMOND DONNY ♪

♪ J.J. CALE AND Z.Z. TOP AND
L.L. BEAN AND DEE DEE DINAH ♪

♪ DAVID BOWIE, STEELY DAN AND
SING ME PROUDER, C.C. RIDER ♪

♪ EDGAR WINTERS, JOANIE SOMMERS,
IDES OF MARCH AND JOHNNY THUNDER ♪

♪ ERIC CLAPTON, PEDAL WAH-WAH,
STEPHEN FOSTER, OOH-DAH, OOH-DAH ♪

♪ GOOD VIBRATIONS, HELP ME RHONDA,
SURFER GIRL AND LITTLE HONDA ♪

♪ TIGHTER TIGHTER, HONEY HONEY,
SUGAR SUGAR, YUMMY YUMMY ♪

♪ C.B.S. AND WARNER BROTHERS,
R.C.A. AND ALL THE OTHERS ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO ROLLED ME ♪

♪ WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA ♪

♪ LIFE IS A ROCK ♪

♪ BUT THE RADIO ROLLED ME ♪

♪ Life is a rock ♪

♪ AT THE END OF MY RAINBOW ♪

♪ LIES A GOLDEN OLDIE ♪

♪ LISTEN... ♪

♪ THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG. ♪

WHAT'S IT LIKE SUMMONING DEMONS?

THEY DO YOUR WILL AND THAT MAKES
YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF.

DO YOU THINK THAT
MAKES ME CREEPY?

YEAH.

I'M GONNA JOIN THE FEM FIVE.

LESBIAN-HEAD ASKED ME.

REALLY?

( laughs ) DON'T. I HATE
WHEN YOU DO THAT.

-( both giggling )
-NO, STOP. STOP, STOP.

- AH! OW!
- WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? OH, SHIT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

THE ZIPPER.

OH... SORRY.

LET ME SEE IT.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE
PIECE OF A SCRATCH.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY.

THIS IS WEIRD.

ON DOUG'S PLANET, THERE'S NO
SUCH THING AS ROMANTIC LOVE.

HIS PEOPLE REPRODUCE ASEXUALLY.

-( screaming )
-OH, NO. NO. NO.

IT'S OKAY. SHH. SHH! IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY. UH-OH.
IN DOUG'S LANGUAGE

"REPRODUCE ASEXUALLY," AND, "THAT
MAN'S COMING TO TAKE YOUR TOY TRAIN"

SOUND VERY SIMILAR.

-( whimpers )
-IT'S OKAY.

NANCY... I'M THINKING.

ME, YOU, DOUG, SMART?

WE'LL FORM OUR OWN SUPERGROUP.

DOUG, GET YOUR MOUTH OFF THAT.

-DENNIS WEAVER.
-I DON'T CARE WHO IT IS.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH I'VE GOT TO
FILL MY FOREST WITH GREEN COPS.

SPEAKING OF WHICH,
WHERE IS McCLOUD?

( howls )

( speaking gibberish )

-NO MORE BLOODY MARYS FOR THAT GUY.
-Power Chick: DOUG.

I GOT A NAME FOR THE GROUP.

REALLY?

"THE FUCK KILLS."
OUR MOTTO WOULD BE:

"YOU THINK YOU'RE BAD? FUCK YOU!

WE'RE GONNA KILL
YOU." FUCK KILLS.

I CAN'T BREATHE.

-OW!
-DOUG!

I LIKE THE SPECIALS.

WE'VE JUST GOT TO GET
TED TO CHANGE HIS MIND.

YEAH.

I'M GAY.

( sighs )

( Doug speaking gibberish )

HEY!

( crickets chirp )

HEY.

HEY! HEY...

-HI.
-HI.

WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I CAME AFTER...

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

OH, YEAH SURE.
COME ON IN, I'LL...

MAKE YOU SOME
COFFEE OR SOMETHING.

- HERE YOU GO.
-THANKS.

SURE.

SO WHAT'S UP?

I HEARD YOU WERE
JOINING THE CRUSADERS.

THAT NAVY BLUE
BASTARD. ( chuckles )

( sighs )

SO WHAT? DID YOU COME HERE
TO TRY TO TALK ME OUT OF IT?

NO.

JUST TO SAY THANKS
BEFORE WE GO APART.

THANKS?

SEE,

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

YOU REALLY MEANT
SOMETHING TO ME.

THAT STUFF YOU
SAID TO THE PAPERS

ABOUT HOW THE SPECIALS
WEREN'T MEANT FOR EVERYBODY.

THEY WERE MEANT
FOR THE ODDBALL...

-Both together: THE REBEL, THE OUTCAST...
-GEEK.

YEAH, THAT WAS ME.

( snorts ) AY-YI-YI

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE BEEN DOING
THIS SINCE YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL.

( chuckles )

YOU'RE LIKE MY HERO, I GUESS.

I MEAN, ALL MY LIFE,

ALL I EVER WANTED
WAS TO BE A SPECIAL.

I USED TO ACTUALLY

WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND PRAY
THAT I WOULD GET STRETCHING POWERS.

OR FIND A MICRO-IONIZED RING.

OR EAT AN ANCIENT
EGYPTIAN INSECT

THAT GAVE ME WEEVIL
AGILITY AND WEEVIL SENSES

AND WEEVIL STRENGTH.

THAT LAST ONE,
I'M FAMILIAR WITH.

BUT NOW, MORE THAN ANYTHING

I JUST WANT TO FEEL LIKE
A REGULAR PERSON AGAIN.

NIGHTBIRD,

WHAT EXACTLY ARE "BIRD POWERS"?

THEY'RE REALLY STUPID.

UM...

I CAN HEAR REALLY WELL.

AND...

I DON'T REALLY TALK
TO BIRDS OR ANYTHING.

I MEAN, IT'S MORE LIKE WE
HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING.

THEY PREFER ME OVER JOE BLOW.

RIGHT.

AND, UM...

I LAY EGGS.

YOU LAY EGGS?

-I'D BETTER GO.
-OH...

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

IN ALL THE TIME THAT
I'VE BEEN IN THE SPECIALS

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYBODY
COME INTO THE FOLD

WHO WASN'T THERE FOR A REASON.

OKAY?

THERE ARE NO
USELESS PEOPLE THERE.

WELL, EXCEPT FOR MR. SMART.

-HE'S A WASHOUT, BUT...
-( chuckles )

DID YOU SEE THAT MAXI PAD

HE HAD ON HIS FACE?

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE NUTS!

PEOPLE ARE NUTS.

THAT'S A REALLY GOOD ONE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO USE THAT ONE.

TED.

EMILY.

-I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE HERE.
- I WAS JUST...

SORTING THROUGH SOME FILES.

IN LIGHT OF THE...

GROUP'S BREAK-UP.

IF YOU WANT TO HELP,
THIS PILE PERTAINS

TO THE BUILDING FUND.

AND THIS PILE

PERTAINS TO THE GROUP PAYROLL.

TED...

WHAT'S YOUR PLAN?

THE GROUP'S FINI.

FINITO.

VERTIG.

-I MEAN...
-I WAS SAYING FINISHED

IN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES.

I KNOW.

I MEANT REGARDING ME.

OH.

WELL I REALIZED LAST NIGHT

IN A HEART-TO-HEART CONVERSATION

-WITH EIGHT...
-OH, CHRIST.

THAT I'M VAIN AND SELF-ABSORBED.

FOR GOD'S SAKES, EMILY,

"I THINK I'M CHOSEN BY GOD"?

-I'M SORRY.
-I'M A BUFFOON.

-NO, TED...
-IT MUST BE HELL TO BE MARRIED TO ME.

I AM SORRY.

BUT I THINK IT'S A HELL
THAT YOU DESERVE.

I'VE DECIDED THAT THE BEST
REVENGE I COULD EVER EXACT UPON YOU

WOULD BE TO ACCEPT YOU
BACK INTO THE MARRIAGE.

-TED...
-YOU BLAME YOUR ACTIONS

WITH WEEVIL

ON MY EMOTIONAL DISTANCE?

( laughs ) YOU...

YOU WILL LEARN

THE TRUE MEANING OF
EMOTIONAL DISTANCE.

EH?

( sighs )

SO,

IF THESE ARE THE
FILES FOR THE BUILDING,

WHY IS LAST YEAR'S
PAYROLL IN THIS PILE?

BECAUSE THE GROUP
WORKED ON THE BUILDING?

-NO. TED...
- ( cell phone rings )

HELLO? MR. SMART.

YES, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO COME IN.

HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO COME IN.

GET YOUR ASS OUT OF
BED AND GET OVER HERE.

Mr. Smart: Excuse me, but...

HM.

GOOD MORNING.

DID YOU TWO SLEEP
TOGETHER LAST NIGHT?

IS ORAL SEX SLEEPING TOGETHER?

YES.

I SEE.

-DOUGHNUTS FOR EVERYONE!
- ( door closes )

-HI.
-SHELLY.

- I'M BACK.
- ALL RIGHT! I'M HERE, I'M HERE.

-I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
-LATE FOR NOTHING.

SHE SHOULD HAVE NEVER
ASKED YOU TO COME IN.

WHY AREN'T YOU
WEARING ANY PANTS?

OH, GOD.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU SCREAM AT ME ON THE PHONE.

I'M SENSITIVE. MY
OVERDEVELOPED MIND

IS ATTUNED TO THINGS
YOU COULD NEVER IMAGINE.

HAS ANYONE NOTICED MR. SMART
HAS AN ENORMOUS PACKAGE?

-MY FATHER, TOO, HAD A LARGE PENIS.
- ( door closes )

LAST NIGHT, SOMEONE
SPIKED THE PUNCH

TO GET ME DRUNK.

AND I DON'T WANT
TO CAUSE AN UPROAR,

BUT I THINK IT WAS WEEVIL.

'CAUSE AS I WAS LEAVING,

HE WAS RUTHLESSLY GRILLING
ME ON MY SECRET IDENTITY.

-THIS IS INSANE.
-ONE HUGE MOTHERFUCKING TV,

JUST LIKE YOU WANTED.
READ IT AND WEEP.

SO?

S-SO?

DON'T DO THIS TO ME, MAN!
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT HERE

WITH BILLIE JEAN KING
AND LORD OF THE DANCE!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON!

LOOK, I'VE ALREADY
ACCEPTED A POSITION

IN THE PLASTICS INDUSTRY

AS A WELDING ASSHOLE.

BUT THE WORLD
NEEDS THE SPECIALS!

OTHER GROUPS CAN
DO A BETTER JOB.

BETTER?!

FUCK BETTER!

WE MAY NOT BE THE
PRETTIEST OR THE SMARTEST

OR THE MOST POWERFUL,

BUT WE DON'T EXIST FOR THE
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, TED.

WE'RE THERE FOR THE
ODDBALL, THE REBEL,

- Both: THE OUTCAST,
- Both: THE GEEK.

THAT'S WHAT WEEVIL SAID.

BABY, PLEASE. HE
STOLE IT FROM ME.

YOU STOLE IT FROM
A SPEECH I GAVE

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF DELAWARE.

THE SPEECH I WROTE.

THIS IS ONLY HALF OF
LAST YEAR'S PAYROLL.

GOD DAMN IT, TED. IF YOU
WERE MY SIAMESE TWIN,

I'D FUCKING KILL YOU.

( loud footsteps )

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

TONY IS ON THE BIG-ASS TV.

What's it like
leaving The Specials

after eight years?

Well, it's like that old saying,

"What do you gotta do
to become a Special?"

You go to Special School.

( interviewer laughs )

Weevil: No, but
you know, really...

I do feel like The Specials

have degenerated quite a bit

since my years
with Valiant Lass.

For example, do you know what

the newest member's
superpower is?

She lays eggs.

( interviewer laughs )

( sobs )

WELL...

THEY OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T

KNOW THAT EACH EGG

CONTAINS A TRICK.

I MEAN, IT'S

NOT AS IF WE

INVITE JUST ANYONE
INTO OUR HOME.

WHAT KIND OF TRICK?

IT COULD BE ANYTHING.

YOU MEAN LIKE I'M
WALKING DOWN THE STREET

WITH SOME WEEVIL AGILITY,

AND SUDDENLY I GET AN EGG
FULL OF SULFURIC ACID IN MY FACE?

Ted: EXACTLY.

OR MAGIC STARS.

WHAT ABOUT A TINY
DRAGON THAT BITES?

-A MOLOTOV THING?
-RABIES!

OR A GUN.

-GELSONS.
- ( alarm sounds )

- ( cell phone rings )
-SPECIALS HQ.

YES?

ALL RIGHT.

THE PENTAGON'S BEEN
TAKEN OVER BY GIANT ANTS.

THE ANNIHILATORS ARE IN EUROPE,

THE TRIO ARE ON SATURN

AND THE CRUSADERS ARE
CAUGHT UP IN THEIR PRESS TOUR.

WE'RE THE ONLY ONES LEFT.

SMART?

I KNOW A LITTLE
SOMETHING ABOUT ANTS.

( buzzes )

( creaks )

( shrieks )

I GUESS IN THE END

I BELONG IN THE SPECIALS.

I DON'T... I'M NOT HAPPY HERE.

I'D BE HAPPIER SOMEWHERE ELSE.

MUCH HAPPIER.

BUT...

THIS IS WHERE I BELONG.

SINCE OUR SHORT BREAK-UP,

I'VE BEEN DOING A
LOT OF SHOOTING DOPE.

JUST KIDDING. I DON'T...

I DON'T USE, UH, DRUGS.

BUT I'M TRYING TO LIGHTEN UP.

AND I THINK THAT'S
A FINE EXAMPLE

OF ME LIGHTENING UP.

CONNECT WITH THE KIDS.

PUNKS.

BATTLES ARE PRETTY
A-NUMBER-ONE COOL.

WE WERE FIGHTING THESE
FIVE GUYS IN A WAREHOUSE

AND LIKE THEY COULD SHOOT
THEIR EYES OUT OF THEIR EYES.

LIKE THEY COULD HIT
YOU WITH THEIR EYEBALLS.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T REALLY
FIGHT, I WAS IN A BIN BUT...

I CAN HEAR REALLY WELL
BECAUSE OF MY BIRD POWERS.

SO THAT'S REALLY
GONNA COME IN HANDY

WHEN I HAVE TO TESTIFY IN COURT.

SOME DAYS ARE DIFFICULT

AND YOU JUST CANNOT FIND
IT WITHIN YOURSELF TO SMILE.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE
MR. SMART SMILE MACHINE.

YOU JUST... AH! YEAH, SEE?!

HA HA! EVERYTHING'S
LOOKING UP NOW!

EVERYTHING'S LOOKING GOOD!

( laughing maniacally )

Man: HEY, WEEVIL, CAN
WE GET AN INTERVIEW?

HEY, WEEVIL, THEY'RE
CALLING YOU A SELLOUT.

LOOK, I GOT A RIGHT TO MY
GODDAMN PRIVACY, ALL RIGHT?

ARE THOSE NIPPLES
ON YOUR COSTUME?

SHIT! BACK, BACK, BACK!

( rock music playing )

♪ YOU DID A MOON DROP ♪

♪ YOU DID A CAN OF WILD ♪

♪ YOU DID A SPACE SHOT, HONEY ♪

♪ YOU DID A FLIP ♪

♪ YOU DID A TIDAL WAVE ♪

♪ YOU DID A COSMIC RAY ♪

♪ YOU DID A HAND
GRENADE, HONEY ♪

♪ YOU DID A FLIP ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YES, YOU DID ♪

♪ OPEN TRAPDOOR, WALKED
ON THE OCEAN FLOOR ♪

♪ YOU DID ELECTRIC
SHOCK DOWN IN BALTIMORE ♪

♪ FROM CAPE
CANAVERAL, A WILD REBEL ♪

♪ LIKE A SPIDER'S WEB
DURING SPACE TRAVEL ♪

♪ AND IT FINDS ME
IN OUTER SPACE ♪

♪ YOU DANCE WITH
YOURSELF OUT OF THE SHELL ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YES, YOU DID ♪

♪ EVER SINCE I KNEW YOU
YOU WERE ANALYZING ME ♪

♪ DID YOUR POWER MOVE ME? ♪

♪ I COULD SWEAR
THAT YOU HAD WINGS ♪

♪ SATURN, SOUTHAMPTON ♪

♪ THE SOUND OF WHAT
COULD HAVE BEEN ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YOU DID AN ASTRAL PLANE ♪

♪ YES, YOU DID. ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ OH YEAH, OH YEAH ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ OH YEAH, OH YEAH ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

♪ HUH HUH HUH HUH HA HA HA ♪

♪ OH YEAH ♪

-♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
-♪ Go on, they go on ♪

-♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
-♪ Go on, they go on ♪

-♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
-♪ Go on, they go on ♪

♪ They go on, they go
on, they go on, they go on ♪

-♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
-♪ Go on, they go on ♪

-♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
-♪ Go on, they go on ♪

-♪ YES, YES, Y'ALL ♪
-♪ Go on, they go on ♪

♪ They go on, they go on,
they go on, they go on. ♪