Original subtitles

[crickets chirping]

[Tom typing]

[Tom] Ooh yeah, say what you want, but this pneumatic system

- we put Cambot on is really superior. - [mechanical whirring]

[Crow chuckles] Tell me about it! Hydraulics? Ha. What were we thinking?

[Jonah] Guys, guys! [laughs]

- I'm alive! - Uh...

- and you are? - Jonah!

[Crow] Mm.

- Doesn't ring any bells. - Jonah Heston!

- [Tom] Oh, yeah. - [Crow] Yeah, yeah.

I cannot wait to tell you about my harrowing tale of survival.

- I-- - [Tom] No can do, Jonah!

We've gotta finish our back-up travel Cambot!

- Oh. - [Crow] Mm-hmm.

Do you have to do that now?

Don't you wanna know how I escaped a loveless marriage

- and almost certain death? - [Tom] Oh, whatever.

I'm glad you asked! It all started that day when-- Oh.

Come on!

- [Jonah screams] - You-- You know, I wanna hear

- his survival story. - [Tom] Oh, sure. Let's put a pin in that.

- [Jonah screaming] - [music playing]

[man] Mayday, Mayday, Mayday. We need your help!

He needs my help.

- [woman screams] - [man] Mayday!

♪ There was a guy named Jonah ♪

♪ Not too different from you or me;

♪ He worked at Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another mug in a yellow jumpsuit 7

- [all screaming] - [Jonah] Hello? Hello!

- [beeping] - What the heck?

♪ A distress call came in for him At half past noon 7

♪ That's when an evil woman trapped him On the dark side of the moon ♪

♪ I'll send him cheesy movies;

- ; The worst I can find ♪ - ; La, la, la

♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all;

♪ And we'll monitor his mind ♪

lLa, la, lat

♪ Now keep in mind that Jonah Can't control;

- ; When the movies begin or end - > La, la, la }

♪ So he'll have to keep his sanity;

♪ With the help of his robot friends!;

- I Robot roll call!; - ; Cambot ♪

♪ Gypsy, Tom Servo J ♪

♪ Crow ♪

♪ If you're wondering how he eats And breathes;

- ♪ And other science facts ♪ - ; La, la, la ♪

♪ Just repeat to yourself It's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax;

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000!;

[woman] Celebrating our 30th year!

- So, I says to him-- - Anyway, back to my daring,

life-threatening escape.

- [ringing] - There I was, me and Reptilicus--

- Hold that thought, Kinga's calling. - Ah, thank the maker.

Zip it, Heston! We don't have time to tie up loose ends!

Instead, we need to tee up the next concept in movie mockery! [giggles]

Max!

Ladies and gentlemen of the world stage, prepare to witness

the most mind-bending act of movie riffing ever attempted.

I...

Kinga Forrester, have assembled the six most crap-tastic films ever!

I simply don't think you babies can handle it!

Can Jonah Heston, his robot jerks, and you at home,

survive six horrible movies back to back to back to back--

To back!

I present to you...

The Gauntlet!

~The Gauntlet. ~The Gauntlet.

- I love it. - What? No!

Yes!

The Gauntlet.

- Let me-- Can I do one? - No.

The Gauntlet.

Six terrible movies, riffed one after the other!

Mac and Me...

- [both] Argh! - ...Atlantic Rim...

- [all gasp] - ...Lords of the Deep...

- [all] Oh! - ...The Day Time Ended...

- [all scream] - Great googa mooga!

...Killer Fish...

- [Jonah] What? - [Crow screams]

- ...and Ator! - [hoots]

That's it, I'm done.

- Hey, come back here! - I'm outta here! No, no!

Forget binge watching this show,

- we're gonna binge-make it! - Hope none of you at home have to work,

sleep or feed anything for the next eight hours.

- It's a turnpike with no exits! Oh no! - [mimics horn]

We can't riff six movies in a row! Our brains will melt!

- Our souls will implode! - And what about our wedding

that got interrupted by a mechanical dragon?

Still into me, I see.

[sighs] Oh, Jonah.

Dear sweet, simple Jonah, I've moved on.

We all have.

After you got eaten, Kinga and I had... our best talk ever.

And we realized everything had to change. And...

- we hooked up. - Ew.

No-- Ew. No! No, no, we did not!

From now on, we're dumbing things down!

Yeah, once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart.

With our invention exchange,

a new pharmaceutical we call...

Algernon.

I don't know, anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry

can't be very safe.

Relax, ex-fiancé, no-one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff

our drug could do to you in the advertisement.

Algernon.

Hi. I'm Synthia.

As a clone, I lacked basic intelligence.

But that changed when I started taking Algernon!

Algernon.

Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on the market.

Grow your brain with Algernon, you dumb asses.

Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship

and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor.

Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting.

Yeah, uh, Algernon should not be ingested, even in jest.

For more warnings, see our ad in Golf Magazine.

Algernon made me so smart I realized it was dangerous

and I should stop taking it. [chuckles]

[all] Algernon!

[alarm blaring]

Now do yours fast, Jonah! The Gauntlet is ready to blow!

Spam. It's canned meat that tastes faintly of ham.

Pez. It's nature's perfect food delivery system.

It tastes faintly of a sidewalk soaked in Dimetapp.

So, we say combine the two with the Spez Dispenser.

Just lift the head of your favorite character.

Hey, I thought I was your favorite character?

- Such a middle child. - All right you cry baby, here you go.

What, wha-- [grunts] Did that come out of me?

It sure did! Who wants Spez? [laughs]

- No, it's okay you don't have to do that. - No, no. It's fine, Tom. It's fine.

No that's all right-- [screams]

Un-spez-ant.

- [alarm continues blaring] - Gross.

And now, to binge the un-bingable binge.

Starting with the movie that turns E.T. into B.S.

Enter the nightmare fueled world of Mac and Me.

Flush them the movie!

[cackles]

[Ardy] Movie in the hole!

[all] Spez!

- Spez, spez, spez, spez. - Spez, spez, spez, spez.

- [alarm blaring] - Oh, we got movie sign!

- [Crow] We'll never get there! - [Tom] Oh, these feet are way too little!

[Crow] Ugh, I'm already depressed.

- Six movies in a row? - [Jonah] I know.

[Tom] Ugh. We're just like that poor "and" being crushed

by both Mac and Me. That's us.

- We're that "and". - [Jonah] Yeah.

[Jonah] Welcome to space spa. Prepare for a journey

- to the outer reaches of relaxation. - [Crow] I'll be your cabana boy!

[Jonah] Hey, that's great, Crow! See, we got it back.

- This is not gonna be so bad, right guys? - [Tom grunts]

[Crow] I think we landed too far from the movie.

[Tom] Not much coming up on Tinder. Maybe I should expand my radius?

[Jonah] Eh, the Epcot Post-Apocalyptic Pavilion's really coming along.

[Crow] Fee fi to fum, I smell the blood of whatever the hell that is.

[Tom] Hello, McFly.

[Jonah] Oh, so that's where La Croix comes from.

[Crow] Waste not, want not. [chuckles and mimics slurping]

[Tom] Wow, you hardly ever get to see Jawas in the nude.

[Jonah] Whoa, I think it's cashed, man.

- [Crow] Hey, I'm open! - [whistling]

[Tom] Aww bummer, it's the cops, bro.

[Jonah] This what I imagine an ELO concert looks like.

[Crow] It's landing on his head! Oh.

[Tom] Ooh, snap.

[Jonah] Oh, it's the Orkin Man. Run away!

[Crow] Don't cut yet! We need to show it resting for realism! That's it.

Keep holding. And resting.

And realism. And good.

[Tom] J; Do you hear that Spielberg music There'll be whimsy, then some action

[Jonah mimics robot] Somebody order an Uber?

[Crow] All right,

this is our first contact with another intelligent species.

Whatever we do next could alter the course of-- Hank, what are you doing?

[Tom mimics robot] Exterminate. Exterminate.

[Jonah] A microwave burrito?

[Crow] Finally, our permanently shocked facial expressions pay off.

[Tom] Uh, yes dear. Um, no, precious.

[Jonah] Well, well, well looks like we got ourselves a city slicker.

All dressed in his Sunday go-to-meeting lights

and fancy metal shoes.

[Crow] My feet hurt so bad, Mr. Frodo.

- [Tom] Pillowcase over a water cooler? - [Jonah] Check!

[Tom] Foil-wrapped Kleenex box sitting on a humidifier?

- [Jonah] Check! - [Crow] Boys, we've got a satellite.

[Tom] Ooh, my testicle jowls.

[Jonah] Come on, come on. [grunts] Oh, so close!

- [Tom] Eh, those things are rigged anyway. - [Jonah] Yeah.

[Crow] Yeah, keep trying, music, this isn't that interesting.

[Tom] You just play here. Mommy's gonna check on Daddy, okay?

All right. [mimics gulping]

Hey, somebody call for the life of the party?

[Crow] There is no way this movie is gonna show us

the exact same thing we just saw.

Oh, kill me.

[Tom] So, it just picks up rocks, then? Okay.

[Jonah] Snuffleupagus 2020: The Year We Make Contact.

[Crow] Uh, over here. I'm the little guy you're supposed to suck up.

You know, kick off the whole adventure. Whenever you're ready.

[Tom] Oh yeah, parents of the year right there.

[Jonah] Give me back my son!

[Crow] Wait, what?

[Tom] Oh, come on, movie, we're right here watching this whole thing.

You can't do that.

[Jonah] Uh-oh.

And that's our show.

We hope you've enjoyed Mac and Me.

[Crow hoots]

[Gypsy] An aquarium for men?

Finally!

[Crow] That is some next-level beekeeping.

- [man 1] Hydraulic systems deactivated. - [Tom] Framistat at full gigafram.

- [worker 2] Insulation cover open. - [Jonah] Sequencing boopadoops.

- [worker 2] Did you hear that? - [Crow] The boopadoops?

- [worker 1] What? - [Tom] The Boopadoops!

- [worker 2] That. Did you hear that? - [Jonah] The Boopadoops!

- [worker 1] No. - [beeping]

Electrical system activated.

- [thud] - [worker 2] There it is again.

[Crow] Did it sound more like a Mac or a Me?

[Tom] Oh, left shark on his way to a Katy Perry concert.

[Jonah] Whee!

- Professor, it's good to see you again. - [Crow] And you are?

- Agents Wickett and Mitford. - How do you do?

Looks like we've got a malfunction on the aft sampler feed.

[Crow] Adam Sandler feed?

Doctor, you remember Major Bradley, head of intelligence.

[Tom] And you are?

- [worker 1] Opening C-5 container now. - [Jonah] Mark, I'm standing

right next to you, you don't need to narrate everything you're doing.

- It's irritating. - [Crow] Whoa, that's a lot of cumin.

- [Tom] Hmm. - The gross weight

discrepancy's still there.

- Recheck the pre-stat. - I've given it the auto test,

I've given it the manual test. It's still there.

- All right, let me see. - [Tom sighs] Now what is this BS?

[Jonah] I'll just unscrew this panel, secure in the knowledge

there are no aliens inside it and-- Oh my god!

[Tom] Hooray!

[Crow] Dr. Deeeemento.

What happened?

I don't know! I undid the panel and it blew.

[professor] Come on, guys, shut it back!

[Tom] I will swallow your soul.

- [indistinct chatter] - [Jonah] Dead by dawn. Dead by dawn.

[Crow] Well, I never.

[Tom] I told you we should have been live streaming this.

Back off, Larry. Get away from it. Reverse the aft sampler.

[Jonah] Don't let that thing imprint on you.

- [Larry] Back off. Back off. Whoa! - [Tom] Mama.

[Crow] Oh.

All right, reset the sign to 0 Days without an accident, Brad.

- [Jonah] Someone turn off the force field. - [man over PA] Repeat, pull back to

second perimeter. We have a breakout here.

- [voice over PA] Code Red. - [Crow] Sacre bleu!

[Jonah] Ay dios mio!

[Tom] What in the what?

Doug Jones in the house, ladies and gentlemen.

- [man] Keep still. Don't move. - [Crow] That comes out of your paycheck.

[Tom] Yeah, but from my point of view, you ran into me.

[Jonah] Wait a minute, we've been naked this whole time?

Now we know shame. Gotta go.

[Tom] I'm outta here.

I think they'll figure this stuff out tomorrow. Bye.

- Stay back! - [Jonah] Force push.

Stay away from them.

[Crow] Oh, so that's what happened to their old planet.

[Jonah chuckles]

[Tom] Ladies and gentlemen, The Rolling Stones!

[all]; Goodbye, Ruby Gorblax!;

- ; Who could Gorblax and... - [Crow] Yeah.

[Tom] Don't worry, if we just put flashing lights on it, nobody'll notice

it's your mom's station wagon.

[siren wailing]

[Jonah] You can't give a baby this much attention without spoiling it. Uh-uh.

[Crow] Oh, we have eyes on Mac. Or me. We-- we don't know yet.

[Tom] Oh, no!

Hold your fire!

[Jonah] This is like a nightmare I have where I'm back in school

and I'm naked and I forgot my homework also I'm an alien

and a helicopter's chasing after me.

- [Tom] Mm. - [Jonah] You guys get that one?

[Tom] What?

They shaved ALF!

[Crow] If you're gonna fly that low, just ride a bike.

[Tom] So, kids love this, right? This is cute to a human child?

[Jonah] Oh, totally, and the fact that he's been in agony since we've met him

- makes him even more relatable. - [Crow] Oh yeah.

[shrieking]

[Crow] So, now our lovable hero is getting hit by a car. Gotcha.

- [Jonah chuckles] - [child] Oh god, look out, Dad!

[screams] We're gonna crash, Dad!

[Crow] I wanna see the movie this composer thought he was scoring.

[all laugh]

[screams] My God, help!

[Jonah] This reminds me of the summer my dad hit a deer.

- [Tom] Bleh. - [horn honking]

Look out!

[Jonah] Take the boy!

[Tom] He better leave a note.

[horn blaring]

- Stay here, okay? You okay? - [Crow] And if anyone asks,

you were the one who was driving, okay?

- [helicopter blades whirring] - [fire truck horn blaring]

[Tom] Make way for the hunky firemen. We've got a calendar shoot to get to.

- Let's go, people. - [Jonah chuckles]

[Crow] I hope they don't find my barrels of black-market perm solution.

- Looks like a biggie. - Mom, get in their lane. Follow 'em down.

- Will you guys just stop it? - Well--

- Can we get down and watch? - [Tom] Someone likes to watch?

- [woman] Is anybody hurt? - Ah, nothing serious, lady.

- Something just ran across the road. - [Crow] Thanks, Mr. Mayor.

[Jonah] Oh what fools these mortals be. [chuckles]

- [Tom] Hup. - It looked like an omelet with two eyes.

- It must've been some sort of alien. - [indistinct chatter]

- You think it was a drunk? - It's probably an ADUI.

- [Tom] Hmm? - What?

- An alien driving under the influence. - [all laughing]

- [Tom] Ooh. - [Jonah] Slam dunk.

[Crow] Hey! [chuckles]

Oh, nice interior. Okay, Mr. Seinfeld, you're free to go.

Enjoy your coffee with your comedian friend.

[woman] It's gonna be backed up for hours.

Good evening, miss. Everything all right?

- You tell me. - [Tom] Sailor.

- This won't take a minute. - [Jonah] Now, what are those, kids?

[Crow] I smell bacon.

- All right. You can go. Go on. - [Jonah] You've failed to amuse me. Go!

Let's pull up. Quickly!

[Tom mimics thud]

[Crow] My precious.

[woman] Omelets...

- with eyes. - [Jonah] Whoop and diabetic.

- Wow. He jumped over two cars! - And nobody got hurt?

Yeah, right.

- That car's flat! - [woman blows raspberries]

- Okay, give it back, Mike. - What?

- He took my Coke, Mom. - Come on, you guys.

- I don't have it! I didn't take it! - [Mac burps]

- I knew it! - Gross.

- That wasn't me. - Who was it, then?

- [Mike] Mom? - [woman] It wasn't me.

- [Mike laughing] I'm onto you! - [Tom] As the last bubbles from the Coke

lingered on my tongue, I realized that was the best summer of my life.

[Crow] ♪ To everything, turn, turn, turn;

[Jonah] The Blue Man Group as you've never seen 'em before...

brown.

[Tom coughing] No, go on and do the movie without me...

please.

[Crow sighs] They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on, guys!

[Jonah] This is like if humanity had evolved from Pinky and the Brain.

[Tom] Oh.

Thousands of years later...

- [Jonah] Jagerbomb? - Thanks.

Eric, wake up. We're almost there.

- [Tom] Who dares disturb my slumber? - [Eric sighs] All right.

- Hey, look at all the cars. - [Crow] Man...

This looks pretty nice.

Pretty nice.

[all] Pretty nice.

[Jonah] Yeah, just drive right down the middle of the street

- like PAC-MAN, lady. - [Tom] And there's where they filmed

Poltergeist. Marty McFly's house is over there

and we call that one the Karate Kid house.

- Ah! Great hill for the wheels, man. - Yeah!

No, you're not going down any hills until we've checked it out, okay?

- I know, Mom. - [Crow] I'm not that dumb.

Okay, we're almost here. Close your eyes, guys.

- Close 'em. - [Jonah] But Mom, we already saw it

- on Zillow. - Oh, there's a pretty girl.

- [Tom] Boing! - I said close 'em, you cheaters.

Come on.

You guys are gonna love this place.

[Crow] Pretty nice.

[woman] Okay, you can open 'em.

- [parrot squawking] - [Jonah] Squawk! Pretty nice. Pretty nice.

[Eric] Wow! Top of the hill!

[Mike] Aww, cool. Check it out. Two-car garage.

[woman] Yes, it's the chauffeur's day off.

- [Eric] Can we afford this? - [woman] No, we can't, Eric.

That's why I'm forced to sell your brother.

[Eric] Tough break, Mike.

- Bring the groceries in, guys, okay? - [Crow] Whoa, big reveal!

[Jonah] Oh yeah, he's from Chicago?

- [Mike] Hey, how's it going? - [Tom] The Bears.

- [parrot squawks - Shh!:

- We're communing with the earth spirits. - [Tom] They say this is very insensitive.

- Right. Welcome to California, bud. - [Crow] Cha cha. Boris my yeltsin.

[Tom grunts]

Aren't you gonna carry anything?

- [Mike] Sure! - [Tom] Here's your feedbag.

Let's go. Hello, California women.

Have no fear. Your hormonal hero is here.

[Crow] Uh, Michael, that's never gonna work with the ladies.

- Oh, never mind. - [Tom] Whooah.

[Jonah] Oh, my god.

- Aww! Great house, man! - I can't see anything.

- Put the stuff over on the table, guys. - You're gonna love it.

- The ceiling looks good. - [Tom] And dismount.

- This is totally rad! - [woman] Is this gonna get me

a great Mother's Day present or what?

Low counters,

- wide hallways. - [Crow] Flush-able toilets.

And you can see out of every window.

And, baby, you ain't seen nothing yet!

[Tom mimics gulping]

[Jonah] Frank Oz really phoning it in that today.

- Ta-da! - [Tom] Mom, where's my hot tub?

- What do you think, huh? - [Crow] Pretty nice.

...wake up every morning and see the sun coming over the mountains.

You did great, Mom.

- [Jonah] Wherever you are. - Thank you.

- [Crow] Spider-Man me, mom. - [Jonah] Weird.

[Tom] Mm, fuzzy.

[Crow] Don't like him!

[Jonah] Hmm, that's weird.

I could've sworn there was a giant sea monkey behind me.

[Tom] Someday I'll see my dad again and we'll ride down

heaven's ramps of gold.

[Crow] Yoink.

[Jonah] Step one is complete. I am in the human's domicile.

Step two, I shall take your place, bearded one. [chuckles]

[Tom] Schwing!

[Crow] Mom, do we have any Reese's Pieces?

I don't know, it just seems like they'd fit into this somehow.

- [Jonah] Jim Henson's The Shining Babies. - [water running]

[Tom] Oh yeah, way to dis the new owners.

Leave the shower running and they get stuck with the water bill.

[Crow] Hello? Somebody in here?

'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver!

[Jonah] Somebody killed Janet Leigh!

[Tom] Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from Howard the Duck.

[Crow chuckles] Dobby?

[Jonah] Wh-- How many rooms does this bathroom have?

[Crow] Like seven.

[Tom] Yoda tracks. Two, three days old.

[Crow] I want to be carried away by this movie's whimsy

but if his family doesn't show up soon, I'm calling child protection.

[Jonah] Aw, if this was a Snoop Dogg video that would be full of forties.

- [Tom] Peace. - [clattering]

[Crow] Well, I can take a hint. Mom, we're moving back to Chicago.

[Jonah gasping] The outside.

But my lungs, they-- they can't handle the spores!

[Crow] It burns.

[Tom] Slowly I rolled, step by step.

- [ girl ] Hi! - [Jonah] Don't you mean how?

- Hi. - You looking for your friend?

- [Tom] What's a friend? - Yeah!

He went down the hill.

[Eric] Did you get a good look at him?

- Yeah, he's real cute! - [Crow] Nice abs.

- What did he look like? - [girl] He's your friend

and you don't even know what he looks like?

- [Jonah] He's more of a colleague. - I was just kidding. He's my brother.

Your brother? Where are you from?

- Illinois. - [Tom] Ew, gross.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Looks like you'll be an interesting addition.

- Uh, hey, Deb, time to eat. - Okay.

- [Jonah] Ugh. - I've got to go. What's your name?

- Eric. - I'm Debbie. This is my sister Courtney.

~Hi. - [Tom] From the Whitesnake video?

- We'll talk later. - [Eric] Okay.

- [Crow] Well, that could have gone better. - Come on.

[Jonah] Eric, put this away, I told you the tooth fairy's not real.

Now, come on. I want you to stop worrying about this.

- Did you lock all the windows? - Yes.

- [Tom] You can't escape. - Good.

I was thinking maybe it wasn't such a bad thing, anyway.

All it did was take a shower and drink a soda.

[Crow] At the same time?

Well, maybe it was one of the neighborhood kids or something.

- I'm sure there's a rational explanation. - [Jonah] But probably a terrifying one.

Come on, try and get some sleep, huh?

- It's been a long day. - [Tom] I'll be back next week, bye.

[Crow] Rest well, sweet Eric.

Tomorrow we'll go for a ride

in a squeal chair! [laughs]

[Jonah]; Turn around, big eyes Every now and then I Mac and Me 7

[Tom] I remember when my mom would tuck me into sand.

[whistles]

[Jonah] No see, the thing is, we go around this way to Coachella

- and we don't have to pay for tickets. - [Crow chuckles] How sweet!

[Tom] Blue steel.

[whistling]

[Crow] Forget it, man! Mac's gone! He made his choice!

[Jonah] West side!

[Tom] Say what you will, whoever's puppeteering

Mac's left lower eyelid is doing a bang-up job.

[distant whistling]

[all] Happy tiny Fourth of July!

[all humming]

[Crow] Hey, it really is a new morning in America!

[Tom hooting]

- Michael? - [Jonah] Yes Eric, it's me, Michael!

A witch turned me into a remote-control car

and I'm gonna need you to collect three magic keys to turn me back.

[Tom and Crow] Come and play with us Danny. Forever.

[Jonah] Aw, he's all tuckered out from watching USA Up All Night.

[Tom] Come with me if you wanna live.

[Jonah] I saw a murder through my rear window!

[Tom humming]

[Crow humming]

[Jonah] Witness me!

[Crow screams]

[Crow] Why didn't the airbag deploy? Well, back to the drawing board.

[electrical whirring]

[Tom] Oh yeah, I heard about this, the original director quit early on

so they brought in Darren Aronofsky to finish it.

[Jonah] Okay kid, time to call your mom.

[Crow] Password, please?

[Tom] Get help, magical dune buggy. I gotta roll.

[crickets chirping]

[Jonah] Are those crickets in the movie, or are they in my mind?

[Crow] On the next episode of Duck Dynasty Interiors!

[Tom] Oh boy, mom is in another manic phase.

[Jonah] Okay, it's all in your head, Eric.

Any moment now you're gonna wake up and be in your bed in Chicago.

[electrical whirring]

[Crow] This whole problem would be solved if they just got a doorbell.

[Jonah] Yeah.

[Tom] It can't be! I thought I lost my dad in the hedge maze.

[Jonah] Die. I mean, hi.

[Crow] Peace!

[Tom] Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door?

[Jonah] Huh, darkness there. And nothing more.

[Crow] Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop.

- Oh, my god! - [Tom] The mafia found us.

We have to move again.

[Jonah] I love it.

[Crow] Huh, sassy, yet rustic!

[Jonah] Yeah!

- [woman] Michael? Eric? - [Tom] Alvin!

- I didn't do it, Mom. - Oh, my--

Oh, this is my mother's painting! It's a hundred years old!

- Whoa! What happened in here? - [Jonah] Or should I say out here?

Everything's ruined. It's totally ruined.

It wasn't me, Mom. It was the little creature. I saw it.

- The house is totally destroyed! - What do you want me to say?

- I don't want you to say anything! - [all] Whoa!

- [Tom] Okay. - [Crow] Hey, hey.

- Calm down, Mom. - This is incredible. It's insane.

I don't believe it.

Look at this. Oh, my God. I'm going back to bed.

[Mike] What the heck happened, man?

[Crow] You just ruined the tiny Fourth of July!

[Jonah] © You better leave

Come on, deer in a hat, we're running away.

Just me? All right.

[Crow] Shane? Come back, Shane!

[Tom] Aww, all his stuff came out to say goodbye.

[Jonah] Hey Eric, I'm shooting our piano with a nail gun. You want in?

[Crow] Well, that's the last we ever saw of old me.

There I was, face to face with Reptilicus Metallicus.

It was a balmy-- It was cold--

What is the temperature on Moon 13 anyway?

Oh! I'll just ask the Mac and Me way.

[whistles]

[chuckles]

Oh, Wizard of Id.

The king is a fink.

[chuckles]

[Jonah whistling]

Jonah?

I can't understand him. [clears throat]

[whistles]

Wha-- What is he whistling about, am I going through a tunnel? Uh.

[whistles]

Synthia, can you-- can you ask him what he's going on about?

Sure, yeah, I'll try, I'll try.

[whistles]

God. She's got a heavy accent. Crow, a little help here?

Let the whis-master general take this one.

[whistles]

Oh, okay. Are they saying they're going through a tunnel?

- That's what-- That's I thought. Okay. - Is that-- All right.

[whistling]

See, it looks like if the second note is on a lower tone, then it makes it, um--

I got this, guys. [clears throat]

[whistles]

- That's beautiful. - That was breathtaking.

- Did you understand him? - [both] No.

Oh, wait, I-- I think I got it!

[whistles]

Ah, the temperature on Moon 13 is a little nippy. Thanks, Max!

No problem, Jonah.

You two are certifiable. Lunch will be ready in ten minutes.

Hope you like corn on the cob.

So, if I give you guys my manuscript, would you give me notes?

- [Tom] Ooh. - [alarm blaring]

- [Crow] Send it to my agen-- - [Tom] I gotta wash my hair.

- Ah, we got movie sign! - [all screaming]

[music playing]

[all] Watch out for shakes!

[Crow chuckles] All right, got it!

[whistling]

[Crow] Debbie, we are not paying to air condition the whole--

[Tom] You know, they got Terrence Malick to direct this shot.

That's why it goes nowhere.

[Jonah] Man, my mom's mad at me, nobody believes me,

I don't have any friends.

I guess I'll just have to become a juggalo.

[Crow] Am I losing my mind or does it smell like

saltwater taffy out here?

[Tom] Rack focus!

- [whistling] - [Jonah] Aww,

a construction worker must have gotten separated from his pack.

[Crow] Now this is pod racing.

- [screams] - [Debbie] Eric!

[Tom] J; Chickabee! Tay in the wind ♪

[Jonah] Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies!

[Crow] You know, they went through three Eric's making this.

[Jonah] Oh.

[Tom] Great, now I'm gonna get blamed for this, too.

- Eric! - [Jonah] I call dibs on your stuff!

[Debbie panting] Oh, my gosh! Eric!

[all mimic choking]

[Crow] Oh, if only I had a straw!

[Tom] Down in front, butthead!

[Debbie] Mom! Mom!

[all mimic choking]

No! Eric!

[Crow] Thank you, Zyrtec.

- [Mike] What is it? - [Tom] Hot chicks?

- Eric? - [Jonah] Make no mistake, Eric,

I will have my revenge. But not today!

[Crow] Dead.

- [all] No! - [Crow] Come on.

[Tom] I thought we were-- Hmm.

[Crow] Look, the music's rejuvenating him.

[Tom] Earn this! [mimics choking]

[woman] Eric, look at me! Say something!

- [Jonah] Jump! - Did you see him?

- What? ~=The little creature.

- I can't believe he did this. - [Mike] He's all right, Mom.

- I'll go get him. - No, no.

- [Crow] Don't help him. - Just go and get some help.

[Tom] Well, I didn't get to use this.

[Jonah] Whoa, why doesn't Eric get one of those wheelchairs?

Those are awesome.

I don't know why he did it. I just saw him go.

[all humming]

[Jonah] Which part of the Doogie Howser theme are you guys doing?

Is that Quantum Leap?

[doctor] How's your head feel?

- Fine. - No dizziness?

- [Crow] No, Dr. Trebek. - I want you to follow this

- with your eyes. - [Tom mimics light saber]

Once more.

Fine.

- You're a lucky young man. - [Tom] You've got doctor hair.

- Everything seems to be okay. - [Jonah] Play along.

Could you leave us alone for a minute?

[Tom] So, like, is your mom single or what?

Your mother tells me that you've been seeing some things.

- Can you tell me about it? - [Crow] For the right price.

You wouldn't believe it.

Try me.

[Tom] Well, since you asked nicely.

It's a little creature.

Do you see him often?

Just the things that he does.

Has anyone else seen this little creature?

Just Debbie. She's the girl next door.

[Crow] Hm. And is her mom single?

I'm gonna give you this mild sedative. It'll help you get some rest.

Why don't you just ask Debbie?

She knows all about it.

- Here, you take this. - [Tom] I'm starting an opioid crisis.

And we'll discuss all that later, okay?

[Jonah] Till then, I quit.

You get that rest.

[Crow] You like the way I match your room?

I'll come back to see you soon.

[Crow] Na, don't need that tooth.

[Debbie] He's not your brother, is he?

Why didn't you tell them that you saw him?

- [Jonah] Hmm. - Because nobody would believe it.

What is he, some sort of ghost?

I don't know what he is.

You should have backed me up.

It wouldn't do any good.

They only believe what they wanna believe.

They already think you've got schizo-freakia.

- [Tom] Oh, Punky - Schizo-- what?

Freakia. It's when you see people that really aren't there.

Well, I'm gonna prove it to everyone. I'm gonna catch him.

[Tom] Gotta catch 'em all.

- Can I come in? - [Jonah] Hello nurse!

Sorry to hear what happened.

- You look okay. - I'm fine.

Mom wants to go, Deb.

Okay. I'll see you later. Give me a call.

- [Crow] Caw, caw, caw. - Hey, why don't you invite Eric

- to Brittany's birthday tomorrow. - You wanna come?

- Sure. - Okay, I'll see you then.

Bye. I'm glad you're okay.

[Tom stammers] When is this party? And where, though? Uh?

Hi.

[Courtney] Hi. - I'm Michael, Eric's brother.

- I'm Courtney, Deb's sister. - Yeah.

- Nice meeting you. - Me too.

[Jonah] Swing and a miss.

- So, McDonald's, huh? - Yeah.

- Why don't you stop by for a Big Mac? - [Crow chuckles]

More of a Burger King guy. I can have it my way. Oh, stupid!

You never told me about her.

[Tom] And the sun sets on another pointless scene.

[Jonah] Uh, hey, you mind?

Occupado, here. Alien on the hay toilet. Come on!

- Get the camera off me. - [Crow] I can't tell

if this is a really bad movie or just a really good

miniature golf course.

[Tom] I don't get me. I redecorate the house and I run away.

I save the boy and I run away. Am I afraid of getting close to people?

[chuckles] What are you gonna do? I guess I should look on the bright side.

I haven't been stretched out in 24 hours.

[Jonah] Hey, look at all those cars.

[all] Pretty nice.

[Crow] Remember, when you throw out your Tickle Me Elmo,

you've got to remove the batteries.

[all] Boom.

[Tom] Now to infiltrate their home disguised in the carcass of this raccoon.

[Tom humming] Raccoon.

[Jonah] Okay, interior! Curtain. Night.

A soft breeze rustles into the soon-to-be-alien-plagued house.

We see a telegraph machine from the late 1800's.

[Tom] We go now to raccoon-cam, already in progress.

[Mike speaking indistinctly]

[Jonah sighs] This Mac and Me ride is real slow and boring.

[Mike] ...doesn't really matter. So, uh, let's talk about you.

[Tom mimicking car engine]

- [Mike] What are you doing right now? - [Tom] Click.

- [Tom mimicking dial tone] - What subject?

[Jonah] Poor sap, phone line hasn't even been installed yet.

- [Crow chuckles] Yeah. - [Tom sighs] Pitiful.

[indistinct chatter]

- [Crow] Da bears! - [Tom] Da straws!

- [Crow] Da cups! - [Tom] Da can!

- [Jonah] Da stop! - [Tom] Hey.

[Crow] The goddess Athena accepts your cola offering.

[Jonah humming]

[Crow and Tom] Da bears, da bears, da bears... '

- [Jonah] Oh, stop it. - ♪ ...da bears, da bears, da bears

- ; Da bears!; - Would you guys just stop?

[Crow] Oh, for a moment I thought those were catheters.

[all gasp]

What are you doing here?

[Jonah] Whoa kid, let the right one in.

- [Debbie] I wanna help. - What about your mom?

I'm not going to tell her. Who's that?

It's just my old Chicago Cubs mascot.

- [Crow] Did you know I'm from Chicago? - Put this on.

- [Tom] Gross. - What are we going to do?

- It's just a precaution. - [Jonah] My eyes.

- I think you should know I bruise easily. - [bell ringing]

[Crow] Hey barkeep, how many boys do I gotta save

to get a refill around here?

I'm a hormonal hero, for crying out loud!

Get those cords, come on!

You still haven't told me what we're going to do!

Shh! Here, strap this vacuum cleaner

on your back. We're gonna suck him up.

[Jonah] He's like a Teddy Ruxpin with the face torn off.

- [Crow] Did you-- - [Tom] Girls don't fart.

[Jonah] Attica. Attic-- Oh, it's open.

[Mac hiccups]

[Crow] J; Graph paper Wider than the mile-- I [gasps]

[Tom] This is weird to say but Mac's not looking so good.

[Jonah] Yeah, wasn't he the baby of the family?

Why is he covered in liver spots?

[Crow] I'm pretty sure she farted.

[Tom] I don't know what I'm hungry for, grapes maybe, I mean.

[Crow] Wow, Peter Lorre is thirsty.

You ready?

[Tom] Take the shot.

Hit it.

[vacuum cleaner starts working]

[Jonah] Kill the out lander!

[Debbie] You got him.

- Don't hurt him. - [Crow] Eric knows this'll work

because he saw the beginning of the movie.

- [Jonah chuckles] - We've got him!

[Tom] I forgot to tell you I have superpowers!

- Debbie! - [Crow] Oh-oh.

[Jonah] Hey, you got your Poltergeist rip-off in my E.T. rip-off!

[Crow] Hey!

[indistinct screaming]

[Crow] Uh-oh.

[Crow humming]

[all humming]

- [Jonah] Oh no, she's dead. - [Tom gasps]

[Debbie] Would you get me off of here?

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Would somebody please tell me what is happening?

- [Eric] He's in the vacuum. - What? What are you talking about?

It's the thing I've been telling you about, the MAC!

- What? - The Mysterious Alien Creature.

[all] Ooh.

[Debbie] You've gotta get him out of there!

- Plug it back in! - Wait, Eric! What are you gonna do?

Just do it.

I'm gonna reverse the motor.

[Crow] I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before.

Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl.

- [Jonah] Yeah, that's E.T. - [Crow] No, that's not it.

You know, they find an alien. He loves junk food.

- [Jonah] Yeah. No, it's from E.T. - [Crow] No, but the alien is separated

from its family and just wants to call home.

- [Jonah] You're thinking of E.T. - [Crow] No, but then the alien

- helps the kid fly-- - [Jonah] E.T.

[Crow] Let me finish. During a summer camp boxing match.

- [Jonah] Oh, Meatballs II. - [Crow] Now, that's it!

[Tom] Up top.

[Jonah] Bleh!

[Crow] Keep cool. Just call Mr. Wolf. He solves problems.

[Tom] That was epic. Did you get it on video?

- Post it and remember how rad I was. - Get me a drink.

[Jonah] Two Moscow mules, coming up.

[Crow] The vacuum had a baby?

We hurt him bad, didn't we?

It's okay.

[Tom] Nothing a cold Coca-Cola can't fix.

Always Coca-Cola.

[Eric] This must be like what they drink on their own planet.

[Jonah] Yeah, they nourish themselves with sugar water and caramel coloring.

- He came in the van with you. - [Crow grunts]

- I saw him when you first got here. - Why didn't you tell me?

- I thought you knew. - [Tom] We flirted about it!

Wait a minute. This is what they were looking for back at the accident.

- [door closing] - That's Mom.

- What are we gonna do? - [Mike] We're gonna tell her.

Don't tell her about me, please.

My mom will go crazy.

Okay. Split, Debbie. Go.

- [Jonah] Pew! - I'm sorry we sucked you up.

[Tom] Uh, Jonah, can we un-see whatever Mac's mouth is doing?

[Crow] Okay, bye guys! [yelps]

[neighbor] Must be a power failure.

[Jonah] Boys, is tonight the purge?

[Mac chirps]

- [Tom] Have mercy. - [Crow] Uh, I was never here!

- It's just my Mom! Come back! - [siren blaring]

What's going on?

[Tom] Just some X-files, go back to bed, ma'am.

- [Crow] Whoosh! - Michael?

- Yeah. - Is everything okay?

Fine, but you'd better come look at something.

[Jonah mimics choking]

- Uh, he's fine. - Where is he?

- He's over here. - What are you doing on the floor?

- What is all this smoke? - He ran off again.

- [Tom] Waah. - It's Eric's friend, Mom,

the one he's been trying to tell us about.

They caught him in the vacuum cleaner.

- They? - We.

[Crow] The royal we.

Okay, let's start from the beginning again, shall we?

- Can I have my chair first, please? - [Jonah] No.

Go get him his chair.

I sucked him up in the vacuum to prove to everyone that he exists.

He's not lying, Mom. I saw it.

- [Tom chuckles] Idiots. - You sucked this living thing

into a vacuum cleaner?

Yeah! And then we blew him out again.

It's the truth, Mom.

No, I can handle it. I--

- [Crow] She can't handle the truth. - [Jonah] Hand, do your stuff to my head.

- Yes, deeper, get it. - [Crow chuckles]

[Tom] The desert hasn't been so fabulous since Queen Priscilla left.

[Crow] When visiting Bakersfield, California, reconsider.

- [Jonah] Did he pogo stick over there? - [Crow] Yeah, what?

[Tom] Okay, Bobby, I know it's 110 degrees and you're an emaciated child dancer

in a rubber suit but I really, really need some shots

of that wonderful Mac Kid running around and jumping

and then I promise we'll at least take the mechanical face off

for a couple of minutes. Okay, Bobby?

- Bobby? - [Jonah] Oh, no.

[Crow] Oh man, who knew writing the great American novel in this sand

would be so much work?

[Tom] There's my Bobby. Crew we got Bobby back.

- We're back in business, everybody. - [Jonah] Okay, Mac and Me second unit

we're good. Send back the ambulance, Bobby is back in action

- and he's whistling. - [Crow] © I put my hands up 7

♪ They're playing my song 7

[Crow and Jonah] ♪ The butterflies fly away ♪

[Tom] I don't know that.

[Jonah] Yeah.

[Debbie] Eric! Eric!

- I don't think he saw me. - [Jonah] Well he's in the zone.

[Tom] Oh, Shriner at twelve o'clock!

What is that?

- Don't hit him! - [Crow] Hit him!

[woman] What is he, crazy or something?

[Crow] Boogity, boogity, boogity, let's go racing boys! [hoots]

[Tom] Join me, my canine brethren! It is I, Mac,

breaker of chains. Kill your masters.

- We unite in rebellion! - [Crow] Wow, this is like a Pixar film.

In that it exists and has a title.

[Jonah] J; Snoop mac-y, Mac J}

[Tom] Damn you, Waaaze!

[Crow] The American remake of White God is real silly.

[Jonah] Hey! We're the dog welcoming committee! [mimics bark]

[Tom] We've got coupons for local businesses! [mimics bark]

[Crow] I'm not with them.

- [song playing] - [Crow] What?

[Jonah] It's a smart move, distract the dogs

with some Peter Cetera music.

[Tom] Oh, mom gets her exercise, Eric gets his vitamin D. Everybody wins.

[Jonah and Crow chant] Mysterious alien creature,

sittin' in a tree. M-A-C am-per-sand-Me.

♪ Be my friend forever ♪

[Jonah beat boxes]

[Crow] Come on, Mom! You call that running? That Russian's gonna kill ya!

Push through the pain! You're gonna eat lightning and crap thunder.

And my character's not even in Rocky IV. Cha-cha.

[Tom] All right, this 80's movie has fulfilled

its sweatbands-and-a-montage quota. Very nice job.

[Jonah] Just one more lap around the Forbidden City. [chuckles]

[Crow] This Week, on The Young Professor X Chronicles.

[Tom] This song really solidifies the strong friends forever relationship

between Eric and his mom that the film took such great care to establish

when they were driving up the street to their house.

[Jonah] Good point.

- [all] Whoa. - [Tom] Come on.

[Jonah] This is when Mac's cable pullers really earn their money.

- I mean, look at that right arm twitch. - [Crow] And the head bob, too! Whoa, wow.

[Tom] All right kids, slow down. Slow down. Slow down!

[all screaming]

[Jonah] Wait, did Eric just imagine that whole montage?

- [Crow] Yeah, I think he did. - [Jonah chuckles]

[Crow] Eh, Mac loves me, Mac loves me not.

[Tom] All right, shut it down. Shut down the movie.

Water and Power, ma'am.

We're looking into last night's blackout. Can we check your power boxes?

- Yeah, sure. They're around the back. - Thanks.

[Crow] I'm Jack Black's dad.

- Mrs. Cruz... - [Jonah] How would you rate his service?

...did you notice anything unusual last night?

- Like what? - [Crow] Should we get this party started?

[man] What were you doing when the blackout occurred?

- [woman] I was driving up the street. - [Tom] Yeah!

I see, thank you.

Mom, that's the guy from the crash in the desert. Don't you recognize him?

- Remember? - [Jonah] Hush!

- ...looking in all the cars. - [Mike] Doesn't it seem a little weird?

- [Debbie] Hi. - Hi, Debbie.

- My Mom wants to leave in five minutes. - Okay, fine. Come on, we've got to go.

Uh,

- I'll pick you up at the party later. - [Crow] Jah bless.

[woman] And don't forget the present I left for you on the table, huh?

And call me. I wanna know what's going on.

[Tom] Any of you guys single? Oh, forget it, they're out of my league.

- So, what happened? Where is he? - Shh.

Come on.

[Jonah]; They come runnin' just as fast As they can

♪ 'Cause every girl crazy About a sharp, sharp dressed man

♪ That's me J; [hums]

- [Crow] So, Applebee's? - [Jonah] You know it!

It's here.

- Get Rankin and a capture group up here. - This is 100 X-Ray.

[Tom] Banana in the tailpipe. Works every time.

[Jonah chuckling]

Maybe that's why he's so scared.

[Crow] Or maybe because we vacuumed him

- to death. - [crying]

Who is it?

[muffled voices]

[Jonah] Oh, I forgot to feed the people under the stairs. Ooh!

[Debbie] What's all this stuff? Straws and flowers?

[Crow] We've got an understanding. We get the living room.

Mac can do what he wants with the tables.

- Eric? - [Tom] Don't mind me,

- just watching my stories. - [sniffling]

- He doesn't look so good. - [Jonah] What, now?

Get that drink.

[Crow] That delicious, nutritious Coke!

What's the matter with him?

- [Jonah] I got laid off. - I don't know.

Here, you want some?

[Tom] Suddenly someone's too good for soda?

- ...depressed or something. - [Crow] But I could be projecting.

- [Eric] You have a family? - [Jonah] You've got all your sisters

- with thee? - [Debbie] Oh, my gosh,

- there's three of them. - Three?

Ask him where he came from.

How am I gonna do that?

- Wait a second. - [Tom] This is too hard. Just flush him.

- Your family here? - [Crow] Uh, you're blocking the TV, kid.

- He's pointing to my school! - [car horn blaring]

Oh, my gosh, that's my mom! What are we going to do?

You-- you'll have to go without me.

She won't do that.

She's supposed to be looking after you.

We can't leave him here like this.

[Debbie] You have to go, Eric!

[Eric] Tell her I'll be there in a minute.

What are you going to do?

[Eric] Just go and tell her.

Okay.

Bye! I'll see you later!

[Jonah speaking Italian]

It's not safe here anymore.

You have to come with me. Please?

I won't let anybody hurt you.

[all] ♪ Oh, my love ♪

♪ My darling 7

- ;I've hungered for Mac's touch-- - [Tom] What-- what Mac,

you caught a fish this big? That's not that big.

[Crow] That's neither the church nor the steeple.

[Jonah] You know what they call a royale with cheese in America?

[Tom] I'm so tired of living in this single mom neighborhood.

What is he doing in there?

I think he was changing steering wheels on his wheelchair.

Debbie, wheelchairs don't have a steering wheel.

[Crow] And Santa Claus isn't real.

Maybe it was a flat tire.

[Jonah] Ugh, this kid.

- Maybe I'd better go help him. - I'll do it!

- [all] What? - [Tom groans]

[woman] Kinda old for a teddy, isn't he?

He's from Illinois.

[Crow] Land o' Lincoln? Say no more.

- Sorry it took so long. - [Jonah] I had to construct

- a waking nightmare. - My wheelchair can fit in back

- and I'll sit in front. - [woman] Sounds good.

Backseat, Debbie.

- Here, take him. - [Crow] Ew, why's he damp?

[Mac groaning]

All right.

Here we go.

[Jonah] Mac's costume comes straight

from the Jim Henson Creature Shop's dumpster.

- Sit down. - [Tom] Oh, look at all this car.

Pretty nice.

Are you crazy?

There's no way you're gonna get away with this.

I had to do something with him. Keep him quiet.

[Crow] If he moves, shoot him!

- [Mac groaning] - [Debbie] Shh. Sit still.

- Okay. - [Jonah] Hope you like Wilson Phillips.

Everybody, fasten your seat belts.

[Crow] Eric went to the Build-a-scare Workshop! [chuckles]

[Tom mimics beeping]

- Well, what do you think? - [Jonah] I don't.

Follow them.

[Crow] Uh, uh, hey, my friend thinks you're cute!

Okay, go, go, go, go! Aww, that was great! Curb! Curb!

- [music playing] - [Jonah] Wait, wh-- what just--

Did someone just change the channel? Is this the same movie?

[Tom] ♪ I just can't believe all the things movies say ♪

♪ Mac and Me ♪

♪ Am I an alien? Am I straight;

♪ Or gay? Wee-hooo 7

♪ Mac and Me ♪

[Crow] Some films are just timeless. Like, you could show this in any decade

and it would seem just as deft today as it was then.

[Tom] They must be throwing a break dance benefit

to stop an evil land developer from tearing down the McDonald's.

- [Jonah] Oh, yeah. - [Crow] Save the McDonald's!

[Crow] Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Anyway, back to work.

[Tom] Notice how they're not showing us the McDonald's sign?

Because that would be crass.

[Jonah] If anybody asks, we're Debbie's friends.

[Tom] Well, it's a giant party but nobody seems to notice that

clown doing magic tricks. Am I imagining him?

- [Jonah] I-- I don't see any clowns. - [Tom] But-- but--

- This is my friend Eric. - Hi, Eric!

- Hi. - He's cute.

[Crow] You're awfully forward.

- [Tom gasps] Oh, don't do that! - [Jonah] Don't do what?

- [Tom] The-- the clown! - [Crow] You and your imaginary clown.

♪ Happy Birthday dear Servo, Happy birthday to you!;

It's not my birthday. What's going on? Why do am I dressed like this?

Because you're the birthday girl at everyone's favorite

- forced fun foodery, McDonah's! - McDonah's?

- [Jonah chuckling] - [Tom] Whoa.

Yup! McDonah's! With your ever-lovin' best buddy, Jonah McDonah!

Ringmaster of the circus of eternal enjoyment!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. C'mon! Make with the smiles, Servo!

- Before the Grimace notices! - The Grimace? What?

- [all gasp] - [all chuckle nervously]

Is everyone having fun?

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - The Grimace wants to hear fun!

Oh, oh, we're having so much fun, your Grimace-ness! Birthday fun, in fact!

- [chuckles] Play along, Servo. - [Crow] Ooh.

And you, little Girl?

Are you having fun

because if the Grimace sees someone not having fun,

then they must go to the ball pit!

- [Jonah and Crow scream] - No, not the ball pit!

Uh, it-- I have never had so much fun in my life and...

- Yes. - ...please don't hurt me!

Hey, guys! The simply breathtaking cross-promotion in Mac and Me

inspired us to make our own fun characters.

- I'm Burger Kinga. - An-- and I'm OfficeMax!

Huh?

Hello?

[all screaming]

The balls!

[all] Movie sign!

[all]; Back to Life Back to Mac and me ♪

- [Eric] He's here! - What?

- Mac! He's in the teddy suit. - He is? I don't believe this.

- [Crow] Radical! - Debbie! What's going on?

It's okay. Everybody thinks he's just a toy!

- [Jonah] Huh? - [Crow] What?

[Tom] ♪ East side walking West side walking! ♪

♪ East side walking, west side walking Walk it out! ♪

[Jonah humming]

[Crow] Was that Freddie Mercury in football gear?

[Tom] Okay, Mac is flying across a McDonald's dance party.

Manufacturer's warranty no longer applies.

Feel free to discard any unused portions of the film.

[Jonah] Must resist urge to join youthful revelry.

[Crow] Hey Mac, you know we serve food off that!

- What's he doing? - I don't know!

[Tom] I wanna be a part of this party so bad. [grunts]

- [car horn blares] - [Jonah] Ay, watch it.

We're boogalooin' here!

[Crow] Check out those custom speakers, man. Nice.

All right. Come on, move it. Let's go.

[music playing]

[Jonah] Outta my way, nerd.

[Crow] Mind freak.

[Tom] Here come the men in grey.

[agent] You don't know what you're getting into.

[Mike] Leave him alone.

- What's he done wrong? - Come on, kid, back off!

What's he done wrong?

[Jonah] Bruce Campbell is Mel Gibson in the G. Gordon Liddy Story.

- Hold on, Mac. - [Crow] Hey, easy on the old windpipe.

[Tom] As you wish.

[Jonah] Good thing they left Illinois, think of how boring this movie

- would be with fewer hills. - [Crow] It's true,

- the hills are the real star of this film. - [all] To the hills!

[Jonah applauding]

[Tom] That guy in the car's not even an actor.

- He just drove onto the set. - [Jonah chuckling]

[Crow] Hoke, you're driving too fast.

[Jonah] Harlan Ellison.

- [Tom] Get off my tail. Pass me already. - [Crow grunting]

Hello, hello.

[Tom] Take her, spare me!

[Crow] It's less an E.T. rip-off and more an E.T. cosplay.

[Jonah] Whoa, Eric, you ever really looked at your hands?

Like really look?

[Tom] I'm genuinely worried about everyone in this scene.

[Jonah chuckling]

[Crow] Uh, feel free to make the wheelchair

- fly any time now, Mac. - [Jonah] He's waiting for the music

to crescendo.

[Tom] Woo! [hums]

- [Jonah hums] - [Crow] We made it, Doc. I mean Mac!

[Jonah] Whoa, Coke, McDonald's, Sumitomo Bank. Everybody wants a taste.

- [Crow chuckling] - [Tom] I'm too sexy for this shirt

and socks.

[Crow] I wonder if Henry Thomas went to see this

when it came out, just to make sure.

[Jonah] Thank you, you truly are the greatest generation.

[all whooping]

[Tom] That way, you knuckleheads! That way!

[Crow] In this one instance, women be shopping.

[Jonah] Bathroom? Anyone know where the bathroom is? Bathroom? Anyone?

[Tom] Did the man who came in here find the bathroom?

[Crow] Would you take those off?

- [all] Bathroom? Bathroom? - [Crow] Oh, please.

[Jonah] Hey, hot wheels!

[Crow] Tell my wife I died chasing a little boy in a wheelchair.

Mom, Mom!

- [Jonah] Is that your son with the alien? - [Tom] Oh, just ignore him.

- How long have you been in lingerie? - [Eric] Mom!

- [Crow] Mom! - Excuse me, I'll be right back.

- [agent] That kid! - Eric!

- What is that on your lap? - [Jonah] Hey, back 'atcha!

[Tom] What are those weird, inconvenient, boxy pieces of furniture?

- [Crow] Are they microwaves? - [Jonah] No, they're fish tanks.

Exploding fish tanks.

[all mimic monkeys]

[all]; White riot, I wanna riot White riot, a riot at the Sears

[Tom] Whoosh!

[woman] Eric!

- This is not gonna work, Michael! - Just trust me!

- [Crow] I saw it in teen wolf. - It's gonna work.

- Be careful! - Eric!

- [horn blaring] - [Jonah] Hey, nice sunglasses.

- [Tom] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? - Get ready.

[Jonah] Hey, nice sunglasses.

[Tom] Hey, where'd the sunglasses go?

[Crow] Wolverine!

- [Tom] No way! - [Jonah] What?

[all screaming]

Hey, those are my kids in there.

Those kids, those kids just ran off wit--

[Jonah] Hush, my darling.

- A little creature from outer space? - [Tom] No.

[music playing]

- [all] Road trip! [cheering] - [Crow] Wo-hoo, girls!

- [Tom] J; Oh, I wanna dance with somebody } - [Jonah] All right.

- > I wanna have a Coke with somebody ♪ - [Jonah] Uh-uh.

- > With somebody named Mac and Me!; - [Crow] What?

[Jonah] Needs work at the end though.

[Crow] This is where they take Mac up to wine country before his wedding.

[Jonah] You know, even the people in the movie are trying

- to take a break from the movie. - [Tom] Oh, every teenager's dream.

Running away with a lot of consumer goods.

[Crow] Eric's really shaping up to be the fifth wheel in this van.

Ooh, he likes this.

- [Tom] Well, at least he's not whistling. - Here. See if he likes this.

[Jonah] Are these your kids? Experimenting with Coke and Skittles?

Getting sky high with a man from outer space?

Jonesing for the next flashy package or catchy jingle. Don't be a Mac.

[Mike] We're fine.

[Tom] Oh no, he's pulling over so he can chase us on foot.

- Hey, he's pointing at something. - [Mac chirps]

It's the horses!

[Tom bleats]

[Debbie] We've been passing horses all the way here.

Hey, did you see that?

[Crow] Sir, sir, you can't park there.

What?

[Jonah] Hey, hey, hey, do you sexy horses need a ride?

[Mike] It's a sign, not a store.

[Tom] No, here's good. You can just drop me off right here.

[Eric] He's picking up some sort of signal.

- [Mike] Hold on. - [Debbie] Maybe he lives around here.

[Crow] ♪ Holiday road 7 ♪

[Jonah] A lot easier to be a cowboy when you've got a minivan.

[Tom] I envy those horses. This is just a beautiful day for them.

Running through the desert, chasing a minivan. Helicopter overhead...

freedom.

[Crow] Go on, git. Git out of Horse City.

[Tom] And the '88 VW bus is leading but what's this?

Nancy Boy is forcing his way into first.

It's anybody's race now.

[Crow] You've bested the confused horses, Mac,

but can you survive the hastily constructed bridge set?

[Jonah] You sure this is where the rave is?

[Tom] It's what the flyer at the record store said.

[Jonah] All right.

[Crow] That was the worst Extreme Home Makeover reveal

I've ever seen.

You sure this is it, Mac?

[Jonah] Sure thing. Just go in. Leave the keys.

[Tom] Paul? Jim?

[Crow] Mulder? Scully?

[Jonah] Pyle? Shezam!

- [Tom] Chief? - [Jonah] McCloud!

[Tom] When Mt. Vesuvius erupted, the aliens of Pompeii were buried

under a layer of ash, still clutching the Coke cans and Skittles.

[Crow] ♪ Sleep with one eye open Also the other eye ♪

[Jonah] Did Michael wander into a DVD extra

about where they stored the props for this movie?

[Tom] Well, Roswell that ends well.

[Mac chirps]

[Crow] Luke, 30 years from now, overly possessive fanboys,

upset with your character arc will be. Hmm, yes.

Get off, Mac. Come on.

[Jonah] Now you're gonna see how they really make California Raisins.

[Tom] Ugh.

Hi, I'm me's brother.

[Crow] Mm, draw me like one of your French girls.

[Jonah] Hey, wait, do you hear that?

It sounds like Rush Limbaugh-- Did your mom swallow a radio?

[Mac chirps]

[Tom belches]

[Crow] Sorry I put my hand on your mom's open eye. I got carried away.

She's alive, Mac.

We're gonna get some help. Just stay here. She's alive!

[Jonah] Mommy, Mommy, I drove a car. I danced with a girl.

I was the life of the party. It's been a blast.

How have you been?

[Mike] Give me some drinks and the jackets!

- What is it? - There's three more of them!

- Three? - Are they friendly?

- Well, we'll find out soon enough. - There's only two cans left!

That's fine. Let's go.

[Tom] That's all I need to start a flavor revolution!

[Mike] Be careful. It's slippery there, guys.

[Crow] Oh, one of them's oozing something.

[Jonah] I got it, I need 100 cc's of junk food, stat!

- Give me a straw. - [Tom] Stand back!

I'm going to have to perform a Coke-eotomy.

[Crow] Dammit, nurse, this is a Pepsi. It doesn't have the unique,

healing properties of Coke Classic.

That's it.

- See, Mac? - [Eric] She's gonna be okay, Mac.

[Tom] Jonah, I-- I just feel weird making jokes during this part.

[Jonah] Oh, that's totally fine. It means you're growing up, Tom.

Feeling sincere empathy is a real sign of maturity.

[Tom] Hm.

[Crow] Hey, check this out, that chick is like,

"Uh, which butt do I put this straw in?"

[all laughing]

- [Crow] Yes, yes! - [Jonah] You're the king, Crow.

[Tom] Oh, Eric finally showed up. Thanks for making time

in your busy schedule, Eric!

Here. Put the jacket-- Put the jacket on her.

[Crow] What kind of jacket? It's gotta be name brand.

Canada Goose or better, otherwise she'll slip back into a coma.

[Mike] It's okay. No one's gonna hurt you.

Here's your baby. He brought us to you.

[Jonah] Oh, boy.

- [Courtney] It's okay. - [Eric] She must be Mac's sister.

[Jonah] It looks like we got Bobby back, everybody.

- Send the tram back with substitute Bobby. - Give me that one, too, Debbie.

- Hey! Hey... - [Tom] I've never been more thankful

for a plastic tarp. [belches]

We don't have any more.

- Oh... - [Eric] We better get something soon!

[Crow] Oh, you must be Mac's friends from Hollywood!

Good, 'cause I got a lot of ideas! Now check this out.

[Jonah] Dad, stop embarrassing me.

[Crow] ♪ And the glorps in the gleebacks and the Alpha Centauri ♪

[Jonah chuckles] You'll get your money, I swear, I promise! You'll get in it.

In a few more days.

[Tom] Juicy brains.

[Crow] He kissed me.

- [Jonah] Think he'll be our dad, too? - [Crow] What?

[Tom] ♪ Holiday road ♪

[all]; Holiday road 7}

[Tom] It's beautiful, it's really beautiful.

[indistinct chatter]

[Crow] Oh, run Marty. It's the Libyans.

[all ] J ...and on his farm He had a bird, ee ey, ee ey, oh

[Jonah] All right, newbs, keep your eyes open.

Word on the street is when you're buying a Coke

they'll occasionally slip in a non-Coke product.

Don't let that happen to you.

- ...I'm gonna call my mom. - Uh, what if they trace the call?

We're not gonna be here that long. Just go do it.

[Crow humming]

- [girl] Do you need anything? - Yeah, get me some smokes.

[music playing]

[Tom] Just drive away, she's crazy. This girls' weekend was a mistake.

[Jonah] Hey girl!

[Crow] Huh, earth girls are sleepy.

[Jonah] This is what I miss most about earth.

A classic impromptu gas station staring contest. They're a blast.

♪ Will you break my heart tomorrow ♪

[Tom] Sprite? Are you kidding me! That's not even a cola.

- [Jonah] Oh, now it's weird. - [Eric] It's okay. They won't hurt you.

They won't hurt you.

- [car wheels screeching] - Well, when did she leave?

[Crow] What? I can't hear you over the wind in this liquor store.

[mimics wind howling]

They got out of the van. Everybody's freaking!

Oh,

why didn't you keep them singing, Debbie?

[Tom] Will that be Venmo, Bitcoin or Trump-buck?

Oh, what is that?

[all] Jenga!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

- [Crow] Oh, oh, oh. - [Jonah] Couldn't find the john,

where do I put this?

[Tom] Did you just check me out?

[Crow and Jonah] Did he just check him out?

Security. Get security, quick!

[Crow mimics barking]

[Jonah] Buck! They broke your soda temple.

- What is that? - I don't know. Get 'em out of here.

Don't hurt 'em. They're not dangerous.

- They won't hurt you! - [Buck] All right. All right.

- Now, put that down right now! - [Crow] Uh, quick question,

what should he put down?

- ...now, now, put it down! - [Crow] What?

He's not gonna hurt you!

Look, I'll pay for the damage.

- Tell him to back off. - No.

[Jonah] Firearms bad!

- [woman screaming] - [Tom] Now this is what E.T. was missing.

- A shootout in a grocery store. - [Crow] Oh, yeah.

- Get out of here! - I'm not leaving!

- [Mike] Go! - [Tom] Huh?

[Tom] Oh great, Detective Nordberg's here.

- Give me the gun. - Step back. Move away from it.

- Step away from it. - They're not gonna hurt you!

- Move it, now! - Michael, please!

Come on-- You don't understand, they're not gonna hurt anyone!

- [Jonah] They're just nude! - Give me the gun!

[Tom] Drop it or I blow this kid's brains out.

Come on, don't shoot 'em. They're not gonna hurt you!

- [Crow] Call in the air strike! - [sheriff] Hold your fire, everybody.

Hold your fire.

- He's still got a gun. - Just do as I tell you. Hold your fire.

- This is the police - [Mike] No! Let 'em go!

[sheriff] Put down your gun and nothing will happen to you.

[Jonah] Hey listen, our home planet is just rocks and straws.

- We're pretty overwhelmed by all of this. - Can you tell them to stop?

I told you, they don't understand.

[Tom] Uh, keep walking, I don't think they see us.

I can stop 'em. Let me go out there, please?

[sheriff] I can't let you do that, son. He's got a gun.

- [Crow] Oh, why'd you park so far away? - We're gonna lose 'em, Bill!

[Jonah] Oh I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's

gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside,

we're all the same and really isn't that-- Whoa, okay. Tha-- I mean-- Oh.

No, no. Oh. No! No, no stop!

No, it's supposed to be a speech about how we're all the same!

- [Tom] What? What the hell? - [Jonah] No!

- [Crow] Holy gizmos. - [Jonah] No, what th-- Come on!

This didn't happen in E.T.

[Crow] I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

[Jonah] It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end

and everything's gonna be okay.

- [Crow] Oh, looks like you're free to go. - Eric! Eric!

- Let me get him on the ground. - [Tom] Oh, okay,

let's get our stories straight. They shot first

- and he never had a wheelchair. - Eric?

- [Tom] Hide that. - Eric, talk to me!

Talk to me, Eric. Come on. I know he's still breathing.

[Jonah sobbing] Get him a Coke! Get him a Coke!

Eric!

[man] All right get back, I'm a doctor. Get back.

[Crow] First let me check for his insurance card.

- Oh, my God. - [helicopter blades whirring]

Eric? Come on, Eric. Talk to me, please!

- [Courtney] Eric? - [man] What is it?

Everything's gonna be okay.

- [Tom] What are you basing this on? - [doctor] He's gone.

- [Mike] What's that? - What?

- He's gone? - [Jonah sobbing] In that case,

I call dibs on his TV/VCR combo.

And I know I already have one but now I can tape things

and make a copy without commercials, so I can fit more things on the tape.

[Crow] Did she run here all the way from Sears in her heels?

- I'm his mother. - [Tom] Eric it's me, Mom.

What's the password for the Internet again?

[sobbing]

[Jonah] I can't believe my son

and my husband died in the exact same way,

- in the exact same spot! - [Courtney] We tried to stop him.

[Crow] We yelled. A lot.

Oh, my baby.

[Tom sobbing] He was only two Book-It points away

from earning a free personal pan pizza.

[Jonah] Puny humans, all we wanted was your Coke but you defied us.

Now, the child falls in the falls into the arms of the Dark Lord!

As shall you all.

[Crow] Say.

[Tom] Hey, van's busted. Can anyone give us a lift back to Eden Prairie?

[Mike] They won't hurt you, Mom.

They won't hurt you.

[Crow] I'm just gonna say it. Hell of a thigh gap going on.

[Jonah] Oh, that's what I look like when I try to tie my shoes

with tight pants on.

[Tom] Are we Eric's soul,

watching all this from outside his body right now?

[Jonah speaking Hindi]

[Tom] Just feel the stress leave your body.

I'm a trained Reiki practitioner.

[imitates pulsating sound]

[Crow gasps] I don't know who to be mad at.

[Jonah] Well, it wasn't me!

[Tom] Featuring Drew Barry-less as Debbie.

[Crow] Okay, everyone's still watching. Just keep your hands out,

maybe something will happen, you never know,

things might just go your way.

[Tom] More like "Hands Across Him-Eric-A."

- [Jonah] Okay, that's enough. - [Tom] Hey!

[thudding]

[Crow] You know, it's going to be such a disappointment

when humanity finally meets alien life and we find out

they don't have magic powers, they're just a bunch of doof's

- like the rest of us. - [Tom] I know and they're going to be all,

"We don't have magic powers. We thought you guys had magic powers."

[Jonah] Yeah, you know who I blame for this confusion? Hollywood.

- [Tom and Crow] Yeah. - [Jonah] They're the ones

setting unrealistic standards for alien magic powers.

[Crow] Yeah, even if the aliens had some magic powers,

anything short of raising the dead will be a huge disappointment.

- [Jonah] Mm-hmm. - [Tom] So we'd like to apologize, aliens,

on behalf of the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences.

When you finally do get here, we're not expecting all that much.

- And you're welcome for that. - [Jonah inhales]

[Crow] All right, lady, where do you want him? Living room? Kitchen?

Got a lot of boys to resurrect today.

[Tom] Whoa, whoa, watch out guys, it's working on me, too.

[Jonah] Hey, can we speed this up,

I'm supposed to learn how to work the fryer today.

[Crow] I should point out, this doesn't bring him back to life.

We're just preparing him for his burial. Sorry if you misunderstood.

It happens a lot.

[Tom] And break.

[Jonah] Often a ghost will inhabit the empty shell

and you'll get your son back. Hopefully it's not Vlad the Impaler

but we can't guarantee anything. [chuckles]

[Crow] Mac has become at best a minor character in his own film.

[Tom] Hey kid, wake up so we can finish this movie.

[Jonah mumbling]

- [woman] Eric? - [Crow] I'm alive again?

Pretty nice.

[woman] He's okay! [sobs]

Eric!

[Tom] Commissioner's gonna have my head for this.

[Jonah] You're my favorite son again.

[Crow] Mom, I saw dad in heaven. He said you pushed him off a cliff.

[Jonah] Wha--

And now a sneak peek of Mac and Me 2, The College Years.

[Tom] Yo, I can't believe I'm late for my own wedding!

Still, what a bachelor weekend! Booze, gambling,

seeing an alien family bring a boy back to life.

[Crow chuckles] That's what best men are for!

Ooh, these Tom McCann's are slippery!

[Jonah] Whoa, stairs, stairs, stairs, stairs, stairs.

[Tom humming]

[man] All rise.

Please raise your right hand.

[Tom] Whoa, movie ends with a sorting hat ceremony?

- What won't they rip off? - [Jonah chuckles]

- ...renounce and adjure all... - [Jonah] No one ever leaves a seat

- for the camera guy. - ...to any foreign prince,

potentate, state, or sovereignty

of whom or which I have heretofore been a subject or citizen.

[Crow] Uh, nice of them to let the Mac and Me production crew

- hang out in the back of the shot there. - [Jonah] Yeah!

...United States of America against all enemies, foreign or domestic.

- That I will bear faith... - [Tom] Well, I see your hands.

All questions will be answered at the end.

- ...that I will bear arms on behalf... - [Jonah] Seems like a normal

American citizenship ceremon-- Oh my God!

...when required by the law.

[Crow] There's no way they passed the oral portion of the test.

They only whistle.

...when required by the law...

[Tom] McKids!

- Product placement finishing move! - ...under civilian direction...

[Jonah] Looks like Mac Daddy's taking the oath for two.

- ...by the law. - [Crow] They honestly looked

- less conspicuous naked. - [Jonah] Yeah.

...without any mental reservation,

Or purpose...

[Tom] This is what I have in my head when I hear the term nuclear family.

[all chuckling]

...all of the above, please state so by saying,

[Jonah chuckles] Just keep smiling, surely this is the end of the movie.

...now, may I extend a warm congratulation...

- [Crow exhales] - ...you are now citizens

- of the United States of America. - [Tom] Papa. Papa. Oh.

[Jonah] Oh, looks like you work for me now, son.

[Crow] Gimme five. Too slow.

[Jonah mimics farting] Good luck in Afghanistan!

[music playing]

[Crow sighs] Five humans, four aliens, that's like 36 different kisses

we need to watch.

[Tom] Aww, someone's overtired.

[Jonah] Oh, honey, your hot glue is running, here.

[Crow] Guests of Judge Judy stay at home.

[Tom] Angelyne?

[Jonah] Ooh, somebody sold a lot of Mary Kay.

[Crow] ♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪

♪ The milkman, the paperboy, Mac and/or me ♪

[Crow vocalizing]

[Tom] Wanna see my spleen? It's pretty cool.

[screams] I need that to live!

[Crow] Look at that car. Pretty nice.

[Jonah] Yeah, Crow. Pretty nice us all, everyone.

[all humming "Hark the Herald Angels Sing"]

- [all panting] - [Jonah] Oh, god!

Did I always feel this winded after watching a movie?

[Tom sighs] I'm all achy. There's no way

we're making it through five more.

Yeah, okay, let's, uh-- Let's just take a moment.

We'll rest and recharge for the next one.

Oh man!

- [Jonah screams] - [Tom] Whoa.

[screams]

- [ music playing ] - Max, did you notice

how they seamlessly blended storytelling and brand sponsorship?

I know! We should be doing that.

I mean without a corporate tie-in, do you even really exist?

Yes! Hey, let's make this show our Mac and Me.

- Yes. - [chuckles] Yeah.

[Tom] The hell is going on?

Hope you're not numb from the pain, Heston.

Because there's a lot more where that came from!

But first...

- we need your help. - Yeah, Netflix ordered

six more shows, so we're gonna need more holes to store film canisters in.

So...

uh...

- make holes! - Uh, okay, fine. Um,

Servo, Crow. On the S.O.L. get me those six-inch concrete polymer channels.

Ad have Gypsy help you with the laser table saw.

We're gonna have to rip these things right down the middle.

- [Crow] Very clear directions. - [Tom] Oh, table saw?

They're so cute up close, I can't stand it.

Zip it, Max! We have to keep our eye on the time.

Oh yeah, hey Jonah. Better get cracking.

- There is exactly... - [beeping]

five minutes until the next film.

- No way! Come on. - Yes way!

Ardy, you ready?

Yup, Atlantic Rim is locked and loaded and just...

really bad.

Atlantic Rim?

It's obviously a rip-off of Pacific Rim.

Well, hey, let's be fair. It's a completely different ocean,

so it's okay. And don't forget, they're in international waters.

Come on.

Oh, and I can see they've just crossed the international date line.

Guillermo del Toro will never catch them.

- [grunts] - Shut up and push the button Max.

For the MST3K Gauntlet has begun!

- Ah, you really just hurt my ear. - [groans]

[music playing]

Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing?

[whistles]

[man] I don't believe this.

[roaring]