Original subtitles

- Fuckin' dickface!

- Sorry.

You ran into me.

- Spider, he's all yours.

- Lights!

Darryl, Darryl, Darryl.

It is Darryl right?

- That's ri- - Don't Darryl!

Don't step in front of our patrons, man.

They will run you down and stampede

right over your ass, boy.

You don't know pain until you've had for teeny-bitches

in six inch stilettos screamin'

like a virgin on prom night!

It's simple bro, in and out.

Duck and jive ya know.

Boo then skidoo.

- Boo then skidoo.

Boo then skidoo.

- Bring your simple ass in here, go.

Go, go, go!

You'll get it.

You better get it.

We open Friday!

Heh, heh, heh!

Hey now hold on,

I don't want you getting all stiff on me.

I don't want you dancing like those zombies

in a Michael Jackson video, ya know.

None of that, okay?

Come here.

All right you got to stay loose.

Move.

Ahhhh!

Fresh meat!

- Hey Spider, say hello to Bart, Tracy,

Margo, um-

- Tyler. - Tyler and Jake.

- Okay, thank you miss Summer and this is-

- PJ, my fiancee.

He's going to help out.

Stop it.

- Yeah, good helper.

Uh, and this is Darryl who, like you,

is new to the ways of fright!

- Hey Bart. - Hey Darryl.

- We know each other from physi-

- My peeps!

Welcome to Scare Zone year three!

Now, the first thing we do,

to welcome the newest members of our scream team,

is sacrifice a virgin!

- Hey!

- Look.

You were scared, huh?

You pussy.

And now a tour of this year's attraction:

"Scare Zone Three: The Psycho-Splatter

Raw-topsy Slaughter Dungeon".

- Yeah man!

- All right follow me, kiddies.

Ah, what you, no, no, no.

That's the gift shop.

Okay that's where we end.

This is where we start.

Yeah, over here, yeah!

Okay, why don't you just stick close to me.

- All right. - All right?

You're lookin' like you rode in

on the short bus or somethin'.

Come on, guys.

- Excellent.

Pablo!

Donde esta

the remote control?

Fantastic.

All right, good,

let's see how we're doing.

- Bravo Mr. Peters.

- Ah-heh, that is fantastic.

- I'm sorry, what?

- Ah, no, it's very good, it's very good eh?

- All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- So I pulse them through in like

six to eight at a time, no conga line,

we want to separate them into little clumps

that way you can get them to shit themselves.

- Heh, that's right if they see

you coming there's no surprise.

- Boys and ghouls, meet the owner

and creator, the Duke of Dementia,

Scare Zone's own Sir Oliver Peters!

- Yeah, just Oliver will be fine.

- Hey man, good, I'm glad I ran into you.

You know I've got that appointment-

- Uh huh.

- And the newbies need to get a tour from the man Oliver.

- All right.

Okay.

Go!

- All right, kids, scare ya later.

Don't touch!

Don't touch.

Excuse me!

Excuse me, thank you, thank you.

- All right, let's go over to the next scene.

There's more room in there.

Voila!

Ha-ha!

Welcome my pretties on your

next stop on the scare zone tour:

The Lair of the Slutty Cannibal Vampiress Wench.

Now, this poor fellow here is

one of the vampiress's victims!

He came directly from the Camden dungeon of tortures.

The first time Prince Harry saw

this gag he 'bout shit himself.

You.

- Margo. - Perfect!

You could work this room, all right?

You are a slutty blood sucking vampire seeking victims.

Now, let me hear you hiss!

- Hiss? - Yep.

- Uh, hisssss.

- Okay, uh, let me hear you, a, shriek!

- Um, ahhhh.

- Well, she's got the slutty part down.

- Shut up Trace!

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's not a problem.

Come forth.

- Um. - C'mon.

This is what will work for you,

this is a shaker can.

Okay, you come out of the shadows, all right?

And then, yee-ahhh!

It jars them pretty good.

- Cool!

Mind if I- - Oh, yeah.

All right, all right, all right,

settle down, whoa!

Settle down, champ.

What's your name?

- Tyler. - Of course it is.

I've got a job for you and the skinny fellow

in a big scene down the hall.

Moving on!

- Hey Bart, Tyler's pretty

good with that shaker can, lots of practice.

And you get to work with him! - Oh, great.

Thanks, dick-weed.

- Okay here we come,

comin' in, comin in, comin' in, comin' in.

Over there, over there, very nice.

Now before the big scene, our guests

must pass through the lye vat dungeon.

- What's a lye vat?

- Yeah, lye was used in powder form

for cleaning hides, chemically burning away

the hair and the fat, yada, yada, yada.

But it also came in handy if you were a serial killer

trying to hide the stench of your victims.

- Gross. - And you are?

- Uh, Jake Jacobs.

- Spectacular.

Come over here.

Now you will be in this part of the slaughter dungeon

wielding your bloody ax.

You'll be dressed in a mask and jump suit

like your friend there.

- Okay, ohh.

Heavier than I thought. - Yeah, that's

because it's real.

- Okay. - Okay.

Do you know how much a good quality

fake plastic ax costs?

Damn right it's real!

It's cheaper and it lasts longer.

The blade is not the sharpest thing in the world,

but it could hurt like hell if you chop somebody with it.

So, you hold it like this, and threaten!

All right?

Now don't, let anybody grab it from you.

- Okay.

- Good, okay, moving on.

Chop chop!

- Oh god it's real. - Okay sexy man is crazy!

- This is sweet.

- I don't know.

I think this Oliver guy knows a little

too much about hacking and killing-

- Yeah, and he's got plans for "the skinny fellow".

Chop chop!

- Ha-ha!

New for this year:

The Raw-topsy Zone where, as you

can see, a number of hellish morticians

are watching a victim getting

sliced up on the autopsy table.

Now, sitting among the statues,

looking just like the dummies will be Tyler and-

- Bart.

- Bingo!

You'll be frozen just like the rest,

and then you leap up and boo-yah!

You scream at unsuspecting mazers.

Now, you don't want to blow your voice out, all right?

So scream a couple of times, and then other times

you can use this aluminum bat to hit the railing.

Just don't hit anybody.

Remember, you scare fast then pull back.

You don't want some macho creep punching you out.

Dangerous.

- Somebody takes a swing at me and he's going down!

- No, no, no Tyler.

We do not slug the paying guests.

- Yeah, we're not supposed to touch them at all, right?

- That's right.

No touchy.

Too much liability.

However we, the actors,

can interact physically with each other.

- Tyler's all yours. - For example, Summer

here will play a live victim getting sliced up

by some mad doctor.

You see, he amputates her leg

while she's still squirming.

It's a good gag.

- Oh and I could be your doctor.

Oh!

Check this out!

- No, PJ.

No, Oliver.

I told you, I'm helping you

open this thing and then we're going to Vegas

to get married like you promised.

Right, honey?

- Uh-huh.

- Summer, could I talk to you over here for a moment?

- Look, I know you want to

get the hell out of here and start your new life

with prince charming-

- Awesome!

- Excellent choice by the way.

But I really need you here.

- No you don't.

You've got Claire, okay?

I need to get out of my parent's house.

So we're getting married this weekend as planned.

- Look, open for me this Friday.

If you can stay for Saturday and Sunday

I will make the honeymoon really special.

Come on you're the only seasoned performer I've got.

- All right I'll open for you Friday

and I'll talk to PJ about this weekend.

- Fair enough.

Let's show the others where they'll be stationed.

And we are walking-

- Oh, Tracy. - Uh, I didn't do that-

Oh my God I'm gonna puke!

- What makes this smell? - My own secret recipe.

- Why hello. - Ugh that's bad.

Ah.

That is so cool.

- And we're walking.

Okay good, come on, everyone through the body bag room.

I've turned the AC up in here to turn this

sucker into a freezer.

Now, to the doll hall!

Isn't this fantastic!

All right, and who's left?

- Me.

Darryl.

- Bonanza!

You will be in this zone

which was last year's big hit.

It's entitled Dies and Dolls.

You'll be dressed just as you are,

freaking people out with your blood stained machete.

You know this still is my favorite room.

Every child's nightmare lives in the eyes

of these lifeless beings.

I've been collecting them for years.

Years and years.

- Yahhhh!

You!

You are-

- Tracy!

- Superlative!

In this zone you will be a fresh

victim wearing a wedding dress and veil working up

and down these stairs.

Yes, you are a recent victim.

Uh, you're turning vampire, holding the bat-baby

that you just gave bloody birth to

via the old monkey-wrench cesarean.

- Oh my god.

Can't I just get like

a, shakey-up can?

- No.

No, you show people your mutated newborn.

- Oh, oh. - Sir Oliver!

It's ready! - Ha-ha!

Now, we are in for a treat!

Ah, hello Jesus.

- No, no, no.

"Hey-Zu".

- Ex-scusi.

I'm sorry, what?

- It, it's ready.

It's ready!

- Ah ha-ha!

Buen provetcho!

And now welcome to the insanity

of the Psycho Strobelight Room!

Good!

As usual, I will be in the finale area,

playing the pumpkin carver,

scaring people shitless with

Bloody Molly my trademarked

signature patent pending gas powered

two cycle 20-inch chainsaw.

Now, this is where I break one of my own rules,

and only I can do it.

Bart.

Come here.

You see?

I locked the chain on, so no chain no pain.

Just a hell of a lot of vibration and noise.

Grazie, Hymie.

Now, I wouldn't normally touch anybody with it,

but if there's some complete ass

acting too cool in front of his friends,

I might feel the need to give him a gut check,

like ol' Bart there.

Now add to this the smoke machines,

lots of light and sound effects,

the strobe room, the chainsaw finale,

yada, yada, yada, we happily freak out the customers

who happily scamper into the

gift shop to spend more money!

Jesus!

- No, no, no, "Hey-Zu".

- No, no, no.

Whatever.

What the hell was that?

De nada.

Okay, uh, right.

You go into the gift shop and wait for Claire.

She'll give you your costumes

and talk makeup for anybody who needs help.

Say that again but slower.

- Yeah I've been coming here the past few years.

He's only open three nights but at 10 bucks

a head he makes a killing.

- Oh, dude,

I heard he used to manage a house

of horrors wax museum in London,

but he got busted for using real blood or a real

corpse or something.

- No, no!

I heard he killed a goat live just to watch people react.

- Bullshit.

- Yeah, no he got fired and went to prison for, like,

animal cruelty or something.

- Oh no, no.

I heard he went to prison because he killed

a boney, pasty virgin.

- Oh, shut up asswipe.

- Ooh, shopping!

Oh, I wonder if we get, like, half-off.

- Who's the slut?

Perfect.

All right I designed this look for you

with this make-up illustration you can work from.

Your costume's over there, go try it on

and I'll help you with the makeup later.

The bride?

Bat-boy's mother?

I didn't design the dress.

- Thank God.

- Bought it at a consignment shop, but it works.

And your makeup needs to be more defined.

Okay, we need to be able to see it behind the veil.

Why don't you slip that on, try it out.

- Great.

- Dummies? - Yo!

- I mean morticians.

You guys need to look just like the mortician dummi-

♪♪ Oh, Halloween ♪♪

♪♪ Dance and scream ♪♪

- Sorry. - Costumes are over there,

and I made boy-friendly makeup directions for you.

- Yes!

- Makeup is with your costumes

and we don't have a lot of room in here

so we put on our makeup here in the shop.

We rigged up a curtained off changing area,

it has one bench and one mirror-

- Whoa! - That's for the girls.

Boys just use the shop mirror.

Masked psychos?

I see you have your costume already.

Fit okay?

- Yeah.

Great.

- And your mask, it's up there.

There's lots of welder's gloves and a mechanic jump suit,

just pick ones that fit.

Summer?

I have your hospital gown and doctor scrubs

for PJ if Oliver can talk you two into-

- Claire, I don't know.

Okay, we're leaving town to get married.

- Need a dress?

- I look like a doctor.

♪♪ It's the common cause of everything ♪♪

♪♪ You spend your life regretting ♪♪

♪♪ It's a road with obstacles ♪♪

♪♪ And you can't rely on second guessing ♪♪

♪♪ It's all your choice ♪♪

♪♪ You have your voice ♪♪

Perverts!

♪♪ You're never gonna be the same ♪♪

♪♪ Everything's been rearranged ♪♪

♪♪ It's gonna be all right ♪♪

♪♪ You came and you don't know what's coming next ♪♪

♪♪ We're never gonna be the same ♪♪

♪♪ Everything's been rearranged ♪♪

♪♪ It's gonna be all right ♪♪

♪♪ You came but you don't know what's coming next ♪♪

♪♪ You don't know what's coming next ♪♪

- So, Claire,

what part do you play?

- Yeah, 'cause I really like your costume.

- Yeah. - No.

I stay here and work the gift shop.

Spider gets their money going in, I get 'em going out.

All right remember everybody, today Spider

rehearses you, but tomorrow night we open.

All right?

Any questions?

- Uh, yeah.

Uh, who breaks us?

- No breaks.

- What? - Look.

We're open from seven p.m.

until the last guest goes through.

All right, that's usually 'till, like midnight

on the first two nights and two a.m. on Halloween.

- What if I have to pee?

- Then pee!

There's a toilet right there.

And that's for everybody.

- Okay, where do I smoke?

- Out the back door in the alley.

Look, just duck out, do whatever it is you need to do.

No one in the maze is going to say

"Hey, there's supposed to be a psycho killer here".

Well, except maybe some of our regulars. You!

You were here last year, right?

- Uh, I only went though seven times.

Not like some of those no-lifes who go through

10 times a night if they can.

- Yeah, 'cause you have a life.

- Anyway, if you have to

take a break just get back to your post quickly so people

get their money's worth.

It's only three nights.

You'll survive.

And if we do good business,

Oliver takes care of us with nice bonuses.

That's why I'm here.

- I'm gonna need some help!

- All right.

Uh, boys, go see what Oliver needs.

And then everybody report to Spider

after lunch for rehearsals.

Tyler! - Yeah!

- Every evening one person has to come in an hour

early to help Spider and Oliver

prep the house for our guests.

And you're up first.

So, tomorrow at six.

- I'll be here at five! - Whatever.

- High as you can there, Pablo.

- Didn't this used to be like, a Dollar Store?

- No, it was a porno shop.

- No way! - Yeah!

Douche!

- You know actually this entire attraction

can fit into two pod containers.

Yeah!

It takes me, Spider and half

a dozen man-power guys.

We can put the whole thing up in a couple of days.

Actually, Pablo, can you get your men together?

Uh, todos juntos?

- Ah, si si.

- Bellissimo.

I'll tell ya, the biggest pain in the ass

is getting this sign up so hola muchachos.

Un, dos, trio!

- "Prepare to be scared.

Scare Zone Three this weekend!"

Who comes up with this?

- Oliver does.

Keeps all this stuff in storage,

pulls it out once a year and does his thing.

- Hey, how do you think he makes

that toilet scene smell so bad?

- Ah he shits in the pots and waits

for the mold to grow.

- No way!

- Ha!

Jeez Bart, I don't know, maybe he uses old socks

or fertilizer or something.

What do you think about Claire?

- Freak.

Goth gone wild.

- I don't know, man, awful smart to be a freak.

Talented too.

- Freak.

"The Psycho-splatter Raw-topsy Slaughter Dungeon."

- Shit mother!

- Damn!

Maybe I shouldn't have come so early.

Hey!

I'm here to-

- What?

- Uh, I think they're ready.

Can we open early?

- No.

Hell no man!

Tyler never showed.

Me and Oliver had to open

this whole damn place by ourselves.

Shithead.

Hold on.

All right, you can go in now.

Go!

Go-go-go hurry up!

All right you pussy worms!

You ready to get freaked out?

Yeah!

- Are you ready for some blood and guts?

Yeah!

- Then get ready for Scare Zone Three:

The Psycho-splatter Raw-topsy Slaughter Dungeon!

Yeah!

- Opening in just 10 minutes!

- Yeah.

Hey, no masks in the maze.

You guys know that!

- Oh, no-no-no.

Sorry Spidey.

- Oh, hey freaky geeky.

How've you been, man?

Wow, you guys startin' to multiply now.

It was just the two of you comin'

in the last couple of years

over and over and over again.

I mean not that I mind.

I like that you guys have no life.

Ha!

As is our tradition,

we have the winner of our promotional Scare Zone

T-shirt contest officially unlock the doors

to our chamber of horrors!

Yeah, baby!

- It's open!

- Thank you Miss Amber!

All right boys, you know the score,

move inside to my podium and wait there

until I give the signal we're open and I snatch your money.

Ha!

Excuse me, excuse me out of the way please.

Hey, man, Scare Zone 2, Dies & Dolls, man.

I love loyalty.

That's good, that's good stuff.

- Yeah, hey, when's Oliver going to offer

an unlimited admissions pass for the regular customers.

- Heh-heh.

Why would he do that?

You guys are stupid enough to pay 10 bucks every time.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hi Claire!

- We're good to go.

- All right guys now remember no masks,

no smoking, no cameras!

No checks, no credit cards.

Just cash, baby.

All right my fellow zonies!

Scare Zone Three is now open for business!

- Raar!

Shit!

♪♪ Still alive ♪♪

♪♪ But then we're awake and I just can't shake this ♪♪

♪♪ Be drowning ♪♪

♪♪ Soon it'll be the end ♪♪

♪♪ Be drowning ♪♪

♪♪ Soon it'll be the end ♪♪

- Ah yes.

- Help me!

- Help me.

Help me.

Stop it!

Help me.

♪♪ We grow now, my soul ♪♪

- All clear?

Front door locked?

All right, that is it for the night!

So we did pretty good for the first night, right guys?

Everybody got their costumes hung up?

Claire will pay everybody

and let everybody out.

Spider and I will close up the attraction.

Thank you for a great first night.

Claire, give everybody an extra 60 clams.

Spider!

Oliver!

- Bullshit.

This is why I'm leaving.

I hate this town.

This job is killing me.

I'm in desperate need of a spa treatment.

- Hey, an extra 60 bucks isn't ba-

- And before I get home to my goddamn parents' house

where I'm living to try and save money, horn dog over here

is going to want to hump me up one side and down the other.

Of course I want him to so there goes half

the money we just made on a cheap hotel.

- We can do it in the car!

- We are so out of here tomorrow, Peege.

- Um, tomorrow you're opening.

- What?

- Yeah, Spider has his appointment,

Oliver's not in 'till seven,

you're the only one that knows how

to run the smoke machines.

- Oh my God!

- Thanks, Summer!

- "Thanks, Summer."

- What happened to Amber the T-shirt pixie?

- Oh, she's waiting for you in the car.

Bart!

I'm kidding.

Amber is only here for the opening

and then she goes to her regular "night" job!

- Ohhhhhh. - Get it.

- Well, that just leaves me, Tracy and Margo!

Hey you guys want to hit Denny's?

- Sure.

- Uh, Darryl?

Can you stay a sec and help me count cash?

Sure.

- Have fun with Edwina Scissorhands.

- Is this a lot of money for day one?

Oh.

You're pretty fast with that calculator.

Did you learn that at school or...

Classic.

- He's scared. - That was awesome!

- That was better than last year.

I'll never get tired of that one.

- Hey, boner! - Shut up!

Man, if I hear one more "boner" line.

- I don't know if this is worth

an extra 40 bucks, man.

We could get killed out here.

Hey, I liked flagging parked cars a lot better.

- What?

- I said I had an amazing night counting money with Claire.

- Yeah, sure you did.

- Oh, we talked and laughed

and she told me about her family.

- Yeah, who?

The Addams Family?

- Yeah!

Look, man.

She's a freak all right?

- All right, a freak that can add.

Why are you focusing on her when you know we can have

Margo's mangoes and Tracy's tangerines!

- Ah man, fu, was that a beer bottle?

- Shit mother!

- Will you just stop?

- What?

- Stop it!

Peege, can you hand me another liter of fluid?

- You know, I'd much rather be giving you my bodily fluids.

- That's sweet, honey, but haven't you had enough

of me by now?

- Mmmm.

I'll could never get enough of you.

You are my-

- Don't say it.

- You are my-

- Don't say it!

Big boy.

Come on.

To the table.

To the table!

Come on!

Take your shirt off, take your shirt off!

Take it off!

No, stop. - What?

- Stop, stop.

- There.

I got him.

- I have to finish opening.

- Ahhh, c'mon Summer!

- I have to turn on the lights and the sound.

Get your shirt!

Where's the frickin' audio?

PJ!

Stop playing with the chainsaw!

PJ!

Knock it off!

PJ!

PJ?

What the fuck are...

PJ?

PJ!

Scare Zone!

Scare Zone!

Scare Zone!

Scare Zone!

Scare Zone!

Scare Zone!

Scare Zone!

Open!

Open!

Open!

- Will you shut up!

Oh shut up, calm down.

We're not even open for another half an hour.

- Can't you open a little earlier?

Yeah!

- I'm a little busy in here!

Let me find something to entertain you until we open.

- No!

No!

Help me!

Help me!

- That was awesome!

Do it again!

Do it again!

Do it again!

Do it again!

Do it again!

- Hey man, why do I have to do this again?

It's PJ's turn!

- PJ's gone, all right?

You keep them happy.

I've got to finish opening the place up.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait! - What?

- PJ's gone?

And Summer too?

- Yeah man gone and eloped!

Something.

I don't know.

Look, they opened the place and apparently split.

Okay, good luck to 'em, good riddance.

Go out there and keep this crowd from rioting!

Go, be a man!

- I'm all by myself in here!

First no Tyler, now no Summer and PJ!

- Relax my little mortician,

Oliver Peters has it all sorted.

At least for tonight.

Ta-ta-da-ta-ta-ta-taaaa!

Behold!

An international twist to our tortuous tale!

♪♪ They just wanna dance all night ♪♪

♪♪ Move your bodies to the music, to the music ♪♪

Hey!

- Darryl!

You can come in now.

C'mon man go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

All right people, we're ready

for you if your ready for a boo!

As I was saying, no masks,

no smoking, no...

Hey, what are you three, what?

You three bong turds trying to get us shut down?

- You got a problem with it, "mon"?

- Oh, no baby.

I love the devil's lettuce.

I also like my job.

So, basically what I'm trying to say here is

nobody gets in until these three

puff-puff mother-fuckers are out of here!

Smoke on that!

- Hey, hey, shut the fuck up!

- Get out of here assholes!

- Kiss my ass, bitch!

- Who you callin' bitch, bitch?

- What are you looking at you big Sasquatch?

- Bye-bye boys.

Toodles!

And now my pretties,

Scare Zone Three is open

for the second night of fright!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I love Halloween.

- Shit!

- Hey, I hate 20s!

- Okay, that's the real dummy there.

This light is out.

That guy used to be a girl, and this is a fake leg!

- Oh, what the hell happened to this?

- Who want's a beer?

To the best "day two" in the history of Scare Zone!

Cheers!

- We couldn't do any better unless

we were actually killing people.

That would pack 'em in.

- It actually would, you know.

- Okay Claire.

You're gonna freak out these kids.

Look, you guys did great tonight.

The spirits of the dead are with us.

- Whooooooo!

- I would like everybody

to take an extra 100 bones out of the till.

Okay, Spider, let's go and close up.

Oh, I'm gonna need some extra help

with a broken window and wall facade.

I need two guys to hold it in

place while we nail gun it to the wall.

It'll only take about 10 minutes.

I'll throw in another 20 bucks.

- I'm in. - There you go.

- No, uh, Oliver, you've been great.

You don't have to pay us.

- Hey!

Shut your pie hole.

I could use the "dinero".

- Heh-heh.

Tonight I can afford it.

- He can afford it. - Let's go.

- Let's go. - Shut up.

- Shut up. - Stop tryin' to be me!

- Tracy, you've got to help me with my make-up,

last time I about took out a whole eyelash.

- Okay, hang on a sec.

Okay.

Let's go!

- Sexy. - Yeah.

- Senorita Claire, tell Senor Oliver that we will not

be performing for this job tomorrow.

He's too, como se dice?

- Cheap! - Cheap.

- So, you need help again counting?

Okay.

So it looks like Summer and PJ really went for it.

Yep, took the plunge.

- They're dead.

- What?

- Dead.

Any relationship that is purely physical is death.

They're just going to be a statistic.

- Well I hear today that two out

of three divorces end in marriage.

- Not that death is bad.

Death of a relationship, of the spirit,

death of the body.

I saw a dead body once.

Have you ever seen a real dead body, Darryl?

- Well, I saw my granddad's ashes,

it was kind of dusty. - I was 11.

I was riding my bike down Old Camp Road

when I saw, up ahead, this dust cloud.

As I came closer I saw that a truck

had run off the road and slammed into a tree.

That was okay.

Kind of cool.

But further away in the grass is what was really great.

There was a boy, about my age.

Blonde like me.

He was lying in the grass.

Not moving, not breathing.

He must have been sitting in the bed of the truck.

Who knows how high or how hard he hit?

But now he was on his back, eyes open,

looking at the sky.

Still.

At peace.

- Sorry.

- Why?

It was beautiful.

And I was there.

No one was around.

I reached out, touched his face.

Touched his lips.

Then a car came down the road and stopped to help.

It ruined our moment.

That's the closest I've ever come to really knowing a boy.

Claire, uh, we have a, uh, we have a question.

- Oh my god there's this,

there's this phat Halloween party that we want to go to.

We want to go, like, and we-

- And, look we just want to leave in our costumes.

- So, we'll see you there, okay?

- Did you just invite her?

- Huh?

- Bye ladies of the night!

All right, well, I wish Summer and PJ the best I guess.

- Darryl, you seem like a nice guy.

Don't be like the rest of them.

Don't force yourself on them.

Don't, don't guilt and chide

and force yourself on...

Pretty little blonde.

Come here, pretty little blonde.

Bring your red lips over here.

Black lips.

Black hair.

I'm dead.

I'm not your plaything now, I'm dead.

Dead!

- Okay, I'm officially creeped out.

Maybe you should relax.

- Sometimes the haze is so thick,

the only way I can remind myself I'm still in this world

is with the pleasure of pain.

Makes me feel good when I'm in control of my pain.

I like that.

I've never let anyone watch me before,

but I like you Darryl.

I've been working on this one.

This is our secret.

Makes me feel good.

- Shit, what was that?

- You'd better go see.

- Holy shit!

Can we not perform a simple

task without this juvenile Tom-fuckery!

- I don't know what happened, it just shot back

or exploded or something.

I, I don't know.

- Hey man.

Put the mother fuckin',

Jake, put the motherfuckin' nail gun down.

- Put it down!

Spider, I'm gonna need your shirt.

- Oh, yeah.

- Darryl, unplug the compressor before it blows again.

Damn!

- Oh, for fuck's sake!

And don't you touch the nail.

We're going to let the doctors remove it.

C'mon.

Let's get him out of here.

- I still get my 20 bucks?

- Yeah, I'd rather pay that

than for the tetanus shots you're gonna need.

- Ah, shit mother! - C'mon you assholes!

- Suck my balls, Scare Zone.

- What are you doing, bro?

I told you she takes the cash when she leaves, man.

- I know that, I was just checking.

- You guys suck.

Let's tag this this shit-hole.

Yeehaw!

- Yeah, suck my balls!

Oh, no, no, no. Check this out. - Whatcha got? Look at this.

- Hey, how 'bout this man?

- Oh shit. - Oh my God.

Yeah!

- He's paying for this.

- What an ass. - He so tagged you, man.

- Let's just go back this way.

Holy shit!

Look at this toilet over here!

It's so lifelike.

- "Lifelike?"

- Whichever asshole threw me in here, is going to get, ahhh!

C'mon bro, this is not,

who's that?

- It's not real.

What have we got over here, man?

- No idea.

- Please, please, please!

- What's that dip-shit up to now?

- Where the hell are we?

- Where's that prick at?

- Hey, we gotta get out of here.

This is bullshit.

- Just go check down that way.

- Fuck it.

I'm gone.

And I've got the car keys.

I don't give a rat's ass about you piss heads.

- Douche bag.

Fuck man, where're you at?

Hey!

Hey!

C'mon man!

Stop dickin' around!

Bart, honey, can you get that?

- Sorry mom, I'm injured.

- Yes can I, uh, help you?

- Yes ma'am, I'm Darryl Myers

from the Scare Zone attraction.

Is Bart home?

- Well hello "Darryl Myers",

Yes Bart is home, you know my poor boy he's just-

- Excuse me.

- Oh.

Um, thank you for,

uh, cleaning my pipes.

Well, let me see what you have there.

Oh, how sweet.

Well, let me just take these from you

and get them in some water.

Can I get you anything to drink?

Oh Bart!

You have company!

I thought I was supposed to hang out

with dad next weekend!

- No, dear.

It's your little friend from the scary house.

He came to see how you're doing.

- I'm in too much pain!

Tell 'em to go away.

- Hello, Bart!

Heh, nice set up you big bullshit artist.

- Close the door.

- Nice sheets. - Close the door!

Don't screw it for me, man.

It's the first time in five years my mom's sucked up to me.

- Looked like your mom was suckin' up to the plumber.

- Funny, fag!

Yeah, check out this set-up.

This is sweet!

- Yeah, if you're seven.

- I'm taking this for as long a ride as I, oh!

I love this part.

Hey, hey, hey!

- Sorry, Bart.

You and your "man-gina" need to get out

of bed and help me with today's marketing blitz.

- "Marketing blitz?"

What are you, an ad agency executive?

- I need this money and Oliver needs everyone in tonight.

- Excuse me.

Fatally injured.

- Fatal means dead, genius, and you're lifting

your arm just fine.

C'mon, it's one more night.

- I get it.

You need me.

You can't go on without me.

I am Scare Zone.

But I can't hand out fliers.

Injured.

- Fine.

We're not actually "handing out" flyers this time.

- Hey ladies!

"Scare Zone!"

♪♪ You're pretty good lookin' ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, you're my type ♪♪

♪♪ I like that you're beautiful as the night ♪♪

♪♪ You took me to the graveyard on our second date ♪♪

♪♪ Not like the other girls who took me to the lake ♪♪

♪♪ Let's go ♪♪

Scare Zone!

Scare Zone!

- You're terrible.

- Tonight's the last night.

- Scare Zone!

Come check it out, you'll love it!

- Yeah happy hallo-weeny!

Thanks!

- Dude, they're so hot. - They were hot.

- I'm going to go meet them.

- No, no, no.

Dude.

We gotta go.

C'mon!

Oliver?

Jake!

What the fuck, man!

- The back door was open, man, my bad.

- What'cha doing here?

- Oliver told me to come help you set up.

- Oh he tell you but he don't tell me?

Ain't this about a bitch.

Look, I'm glad you're here, I need your help.

I've got an appointment downtown.

- Heh.

An "appointment" right?

Heh-heh.

- Yes an appointment I've got to meet

my parole officer is that okay with you?

Can you focus?

Focus!

Look, first thing I need you to do is

take this and put it back where I found it, okay?

Now I've got to set up this damn dummy

because those Spanish assholes didn't show up,

so you go finish filling up the fog machine,

then go turn on the sound system,

but turn it to the knob with the

little piece of tape on it, then go

turn on the strobe lights,

oh and fill the bat baby up with water

and if you're looking for something else to do,

you can finish this list, do everything on it

then after your done, wait for Oliver or Claire because uh,

uh, I ain't givin' you my keys.

Okay?

Ya got that?

- Got it.

- Now, Oliver's going to be pissy 'cause I'm not here.

Don't let him take it out on you, okay?

- 10-4.

- Yeah, "10-4" wonder bread.

Just go turn on the lye vat.

Go.

Go-go-go-go-go.

Go, go!

Can you speed? Urgency, yes, go.

Spanish people don't show up.

Bitches are supposed to like work.

What kind of shit?

Oh shit!

Ahhhh, what?

♪♪ It's Christmas ♪♪

♪♪ Merry Christmas ♪♪

- Welcome to "A Christmas to Remember"

where it's Christmas 364 days a year!

That's right every day but what, what?

Christmas!

So, how can I help you?

- I'm looking for Claire, I'm her brother.

- Brother, huh?

Funny, I don't see the family resemblance.

'Course I guess you don't put on the black lipstick

and the funny make-up 'till after midnight, huh?

Sandy, have you seen Miss Claire?

Hang on honey,

I'll be right down.

- So, what's Claire's brother's name?

- Me?

Oh.

Darryl.

- Oh, really, what a coinky-dink.

I've got an elf around here named Darryl someplace.

- I didn't know Claire had a brother,

she never mentioned a brother.

But, she's not a big talker.

You'll find her right back there by gift wrap.

- Thank you.

♪♪ I'm Darryl ♪♪

♪♪ Helping you to care ♪♪

Hey Claire.

- Oh, hey, what are you doing here?

- You told me to come he-

- Shhhh!

Oh, you have a note from mom!

That is bad.

Oh, I'm glad you came.

Um, Sandy,

Sandy.

You know it looks like our mom is really sick

and I'm gonna to leave early to, um, care for her.

- You said your mother's dead, dear.

- Oh.

Oh!

No our, our mam is sick.

That's what we call our grandmother.

- Yeah.

"Mam".

- I'm really sorry Mrs. Kane,

I really have to leave right now.

You know, to get to, mam.

- I understand, dear.

So, I'll see you tomorrow morning at 10.

It's a big day!

- Okay, I wouldn't miss it.

- Mam.

- The holiday shopping season starts

the day after Halloween now, you know!

Toodles!

- Whoo-hoo!

Oh, get me out of here!

Ha.

Ya think vampires and zombies are scary?

Those people are scary!

- I thought you worked at a funeral home.

- Who told you that?

- Nobody.

- No I've worked for the Kanes for, like, four years

and they still creep me out.

- I dunno.

They seemed like, "Really nice people".

Thanks for getting me out of there,

I'm running out of excuses to cut out early.

You confused them good.

- Hey, I'm just glad you called.

Is your car in the shop?

- I don't drive.

- Well how do you get around?

- I usually walk.

- This place is, like, 20 blocks from the strip mall.

- Or I'll bum a ride or hitchhike.

- Isn't that a little dangerous?

- No.

- Shit!

Put that away!

Can't you carry, like, a can of mace

or a taser or something?

- Mace doesn't stop them, it just blinds them.

Tasers you gotta keep charged.

It's not practical.

- Good point.

- Oliver keeps a taser charged and ready to go

underneath the cash register at the gift shop,

but I'll stick with sexy Sadie, thank you.

- She's named her gun.

- Oh, turn here.

Turn here!

Stop here.

- How did I know this was going to end at a cemetery?

Claire?

This isn't funny.

I knew it was you.

I just wanted to see what you looked like laughing.

- Don't get used to it.

Let me show you something.

- God damn it.

- Darryl, I'd like you to meet someone.

- Mary Elisabeth Landers.

- Hey, hey!

Buddy.

What are you doin'?

Do you know those kids over there?

Are you listening to me?

- Your mother?

- No.

- Not your mother.

- No, my mother is, quite alive.

- Hello, ass-wipe,

I'm talkin' to you!

- No, she's my aunt.

My mother's sister.

Nothing exotic killed her, just cancer.

But I wanted you to meet her.

You remind me a lot of her.

Hey Aunt Mare,

I'd like you to meet Darryl.

- Hello, Ms. Landers, how are you?

- She can't talk to you Darryl, she's dead.

- I know.

- You know, she was the only person

that ever brought me a Christmas present.

Every year she would bring me something

and wrap it so beautifully.

She pretty much raised me 'till I was 10.

My Aunt Mare kept me from harm.

Then she died.

One year she got me this snow globe.

It was one of those real glass ones,

not like the plastic ones you see at the mall.

It had this whole little village in it.

That became a great tool for my mom.

She could just raise it up and threaten to smash it.

She finally made good on that threat.

Darryl, I really appreciate you

trying to strike up a conversation with me two nights ago.

- Hey, I'm sorry you lost somebody

that you cared so much about.

It seems like things went all down hill after that.

You seem to be fighting a lot of demons.

- I was just a cute little blonde

no one could keep their hands off of.

- And, as a friend, albeit a new friend,

I want to say something.

Go ahead.

- Be goth, carry guns and hum strange tunes,

but you shouldn't be hurting yourself.

You deserve better than that.

Get a tattoo and let the professional hurt you!

- That could probably take some therapy.

- Think about it.

Now, ready to go hack,

maim, bludgeon and slaughter ourselves

to the delight of thousands?

- Yippie!

Ha-ha.

Bye Aunt Mare.

Happy Halloween.

- So I suppose you like "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"?

- Love it!

- And your favorite movie of all time,

the "Nightmare Before Christmas"?

- Now you're getting me hot!

♪♪ Come on, do the twist ♪♪

♪♪ Do the twist... the Frankenstein twist! ♪♪

Let us in, let us in, let us in, let us in!

Oh, where the hell is Spider?

- Oh, how many times are you going to say that?

- Well, where the hell is Spider?

- He told me that he was coming back.

- Did he say when?

Sorry.

Sorry Jake I know it's not your fault.

Thanks for getting the place open.

Okay.

I will work Spider's line and take the cash.

- Oh good!

Here's your cash bags.

- Thank you.

Wait, Darryl come here.

If I'm going to cover for Spider,

you have to cover for me.

I am entrusting you with the chainsaw finale.

- Why me?

- Claire recommended you.

- Yeah.

I'm there!

Show me what to do.

- Nothing to it.

Here's the throttle, this is the chain lock.

Now, keep that lock on.

Without that lock on you could level a fucking forest.

So, for tonight, lock on.

Okay?

Now, try and rev her up.

Jam it there between your knees,

pull that cord as hard as you can.

Straight up.

- Put a bit of mustard on it.

And off!

Good, you have earned the orange mask.

But don't get cocky.

I don't want you trying to bury

that thing into somebody's stomach.

Just chase them around with it.

Good.

Okay.

Everyone, take your positions!

Let us in!

Let us in!

Let us in!

Let us in!

- Shut up!

Shut up!

Shut up!

- Hey Oliver!

Hey, where's Spidey?

You too cheap to pay him?

- How do you know he's not in there somewhere, huh?

Waiting for you!

Let the slaughter begin!

Get in you date-less wonders!

♪♪ Every word you said ♪♪

♪♪ But I can't understand when I look and I see ♪♪

♪♪ That all these words are dead ♪♪

♪♪ You say that's fine ♪♪

♪♪ But I still trip to walk that line ♪♪

- Everybody get batty, bloody birth!

- And pull.

- Oh man.

Oh my god. - This is disgusting.

- Would ya, would ya hurry up!

- All right, all right,

I'm here now I've got a shit-load of tens.

Have a nice scare.

- Oliver. - Yeah.

- I've got to go to work.

- Oh okay, save me a table.

I'll be there at two.

- Gotta pinch a loaf! - What?

- Yeah, I've got to drop the kids off at the pool!

- Hurry up!

- Damn! - Ha, ha, ha, ha!

- Awesome! - That was sick!

- That bloody guy coming from the wall was new!

- Everything okay?

- Great!

I just have to 'go' bad.

- Oh, there's someone in there.

Oh, me next!

- Hey, I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

- Man, I gotta do this fast and get back at it.

Uh, no time for airing out!

Heads up!

- If I'm not back in three hours, call the cops!

- Back to slice and dice!

- Oh my gosh it's all wet in there.

- You've have blood all over you.

- So do you!

- Hey, you found my axe-

- Dad, this is so fake.

- Uh, that's stupid. - Not even scary.

- Try scaring somebody next time.

This had better not stain.

- I think it's just like invisible ink.

I think it will just disappear after a few minutes.

- Oh, I don't think so.

Look at this.

- Maybe it's cherry juice or something.

- Oh God, it tastes like blood.

- Back off!

That bitch's been following us the whole way.

Get a life!

- What's going on?

- I don't know, there's something wrong with Tracy.

- Is she hurt or sick? - I don't know,

I can't tell with this damn costume.

- Oh Jesus, she's been stabbed!

- I think I'm going to be sick.

- Someone just got stabbed!

- Excellent! - Let's go.

- Whoa-whoa, wait!

Ladies and gentlemen,

just a slight technical snafu, I will be right back.

I will be right back.

Shit.

- Heh, yeah, this blows chunks, dude.

- Hey sexy, you want to suck on this?

- I don't know, I don't know.

The only thing I can think is,

we have this chair that shoots blades

through a dummy's chest.

No, I, I know it's Halloween and you've been getting

a lot of crank calls, but I'm telling you this is real.

Just hurry.

Just hurry!

- Okay.

I'm calling this a night.

I'm going to-

- There's a big fight outside!

- Son of a bitch!

I'll go break it up and wait for the paramedics.

- I'm okay, I've got pressure on the wound.

- Okay.

Claire, you've got to get everybody out of that maze.

- Shit!

- What's going on?

- Please move to the exits.

Thank you.

- Boo!

This place sucks!

I want my money back.

- Please move to the exit.

Oliver will refund your admission outside.

Asshole.

Thank you!

The exit is that way.

- Oh, man, this place is so much more effective

with music and lights.

Hi!

Claire!

- Oh, sorry about this.

Look you'll get your money back.

Please just move to the-

- Look, I said we're closed.

- I don't think you understand.

We came all the way across town and stood in line

for two goddamn hours!

- Calm down.

Hold on.

We've had an accident.

- Oww, shit.

- We're waiting for an ambulance.

Oh, I don't have time for this.

Where's Claire?

- I don't know.

- I'll be right back.

- Uh, I, I'm going to wait for the ambulance.

- Two fuckin' hours!

- Claire?

Oh my God.

Claire.

Claire!

- Oh Claire.

Sweet, sweet Claire

- Have you seen Claire?

- No.

Is the ambulance here?

- I don't think so.

Bart and Margo are outside.

I'm going to call the police.

Where's Sparks Malloy?

- What? - My fucking taser!

- Don't get up!

Don't move!

Just lie there.

That's right, just lie like in death.

Lie.

That's you, Claire.

That's my Claire.

I did it for you.

I, I did this all for you!

Yes!

Claire!

Yes, you wanted this.

This!

And I've come for you.

I know all about you.

I know, I know how you love death!

I know how it, it thrills you...

like it thrills me!

It took me three years of watching you and practicing.

And you, you,

you taught me how to cut.

Oh.

We'd watch you on those long quiet afternoons

when you didn't think anyone was looking.

You didn't see us, but we saw you.

We'd lean up to the glass

between the branches and the boxes.

And we'd watch you through

the Christmas window.

- Yes, right away please.

Well, I think we have a dangerous situation here.

Yes, I think so.

Look, one was wounded and another was killed.

- What's going on, Oliver?

- Just get the cops here.

I don't know what's going on.

Don't go in there!

Jake's dead.

- What?

Where's Claire?

- I don't know.

I sent her in to get everybody out-

- The ambulance is here!

- Darryl, don't do it.

They're here for Tracy.

The police are on their way, let them do it.

- Claire is in there!

- Something else is in there and it killed Jake.

You're a kid in a costume.

What are you gonna do?

- I'm going after Claire!

- You know what's funny, Claire?

You cut to feel alive.

I cut to kill!

I used to try to cut to feel alive, I,

I would cut, and I'd cut, and I'd

cut and I would cut,

but it never felt good

till I met you.

And I watched how you

did yourself so lovingly.

You inspired me so.

And I grew to love you so much.

I had to have you be a part of me.

To show my devotion.

My devotion.

My devotion.

The pleasure of pain, right?

The pleasure of pain, the pleasure. I did this

for you, Claire!

- Claire?

- Not you!

Not you, Claire!

Don't be like all the rest of them, a squealing pig!

Oh, Claire, don't be scared.

I'm here to fulfill your wish.

I'm going to take you away from here.

And the best part, the best part?

I'm coming with you!

Now that I've proven my worthiness to you,

I need to do for you what you could not do for yourself.

- Claire! - Darryl!

- Claire!

- Now my darling, it is time for me to drain you dry.

Claire!

- Then open my veins.

- Claire!

You're not a part of this!

And then we will live together in the eternal orgy of hell!

- Claire!

I'll be right back.

Claire.

- Come here!

- Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid!

You ruined everything!

You ruined my moment!

It's okay.

Don't worry.

I'll be sure to tell

Claire all about th-

- Oliver!

Oliver!

- God damn it!

Darryl!

- I'm okay, I'm okay.

- Was it just him?

- That thing was living back there!

He killed, he killed Spider.

He killed all of them because of me.

- It's okay, it's okay.

The police are here.

They're gonna sort everything ou-

- No!

No!

- Excuse me, I'm looking for- - Hey Darryl.

- Hey, how are you?

- Good.

Good.

- You look great.

- Still working on those demons.

- Sorry you had to come back to work so soon.

- Oh, me too.

Therapy's expensive for a girl!

- Selfishly, I'm glad you're back.

- God, Darryl, where were you 10 years ago?

You know, my psychoanalysis revealed

that I have a clinical "3M" issue

when it comes to relationships.

Apparently I deeply believe that all I can attract are

maniacs, molesters and monsters.

But hiding and disguising myself didn't seem to help.

And, it's just going to take a while

before I can shake the feeling

that I bring out the worst in men.

- I understand.

Take your time.

When you're ready, give me call.

Merry Christmas, Claire.

♪♪ It started out like all the rest ♪♪

♪♪ A simple ego strokin' ♪♪

♪♪ Called curiosity ♪♪

♪♪ Then you fucked up ♪♪

♪♪ And let it in ♪♪

♪♪ And left a pure thing broken ♪♪

♪♪ And disappointed me ♪♪

♪♪ Okay, I guess ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, I'll admit ♪♪

♪♪ I take forever choosin' ♪♪

♪♪ So, maybe I could make you ♪♪

♪♪ Make the choice for me ♪♪

♪♪ Now what is it about her ♪♪

♪♪ That drives you do goddamn mad? ♪♪

♪♪ Step back and take a good look around you ♪♪

♪♪ I know you would prefer if I said ♪♪

♪♪ She was the best I ever had ♪♪

♪♪ Only she, the only one that found you ♪♪

♪♪ While you were so far from the truth ♪♪

♪♪ I should've known ♪♪

♪♪ Known from the start ♪♪

♪♪ That this would all end badly ♪♪

♪♪ How else could it be? ♪♪

♪♪ For you are just a paper kiss ♪♪

♪♪ A bitter complication ♪♪

♪♪ And she has what I need ♪♪

♪♪ What I want and what I need ♪♪

♪♪ Have always been so confusing ♪♪

♪♪ So tell me which one is she? ♪♪

♪♪ Okay, I guess ♪♪

♪♪ Yeah, I'll admit ♪♪

♪♪ I take forever choosin' ♪♪

♪♪ So maybe I could make you ♪♪

♪♪ Make the choice for me ♪♪

♪♪ So what is it about her ♪♪

♪♪ That drives you so goddamn mad? ♪♪

♪♪ Step back and take a good look around you ♪♪

♪♪ I know you would prefer if I said ♪♪

♪♪ She was the best I ever had ♪♪

♪♪ Only she, the only one that found you ♪♪

♪♪ While you were so far from the truth ♪♪

♪♪ So far from the truth ♪♪

♪♪ So far from the truth ♪♪

♪♪ So far from the truth ♪♪

- Get lost!

Except you in the back, the hot one.

Come here.