All language subtitles for Chris.DElia.Incorrigible.2015.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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- [upbeat music playing]
- [audience cheering]

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music continues]

[audience cheering, screaming]

[laughs]

- [woman screams]
- Hey...

OK.

[audience cheering]

- Let me say some stuff, OK?
- [audience laughs]

This is a good crowd. Um...

What's up? Hey...

Oh, man. I'm so happy
I'm here in Los Angeles.

You know, I'm home.
And that's awesome, man. I'm so happy--

Thank you for coming out.

Um, it's cool, man.
This is so cool, man. I'm happy.

I never know really how
to start this shit,

but I got-- I'm just--
I don't know.

- I got-- I've been-- Well, fuck it. I...
- [audience laughs]

I was-- It's cool, man.
I've been doing this tour-- I don't know.

OK, here's the deal.

I've been doing stand-up for a while now,
like, for eight and a half years.

And when I first started, you know,
nobody gave a shit.

People don't care, you know?
You're like, "I wanna do stand-up,"

people are like... "Eat dicks."
Nobody gives a shit. [laughs]

Nobody cares about some dude
who thinks he's funny, you know?

And I played the worst gigs ever.

Like, just straight-up, like,
Laundromats, for real.

Like open mics in Laundromats, for real,
where people would be folding laundry,

and they'd look over at you and be like,
"Why does that asshole have a microphone?"

And then I'd be, like,
"Hey, what's the deal with cell phones?"

Or whatever.

And try to make that guy forget
about doing his laundry for a few seconds.

You know? Just to make a joke.

I played shitty gigs, man.

Like, I played gigs deep--
like, I think the worst gig I ever had

was deep in the Valley, like,
deep in the Valley of Los Angeles.

- [audience cheering]
- No, don't-- It was-- OK. It was--

I feel-- It was so deep in the Valley,
I feel like...

You know how the Valley just, like--
It keeps going.

Like, it never-- Even if you're about
to get to the edge of the Valley,

people will beat you there and be like,
"We gotta make more Valley.

Let's do this.

Hurry up. Put up--"
You know?

"Put up a Verizon Wireless store,
just the front part. Who cares?

Nobody goes in.

Put up a Lamps Plus. Do it." Like...

Fuckin' Lamps Plus.
You know what I mean?

Fuck that place, straight up.

Lamps Plus what? You know?

Can I get lettuce there?

No. Fuckin' Lamps Plus what?
Oh, more lamps?

Fuck you, you're not even trying.
You're not even fucking trying. [laughs]

But this gig I played was like the worst--

It was like this most run down,
shitty bar ever.

Like, fuck a theater.

This was a bar that was run down
and all boarded up and shitty.

Like, it was--
The only thing this bar sold was meth.

- That's all it sold.
- [audience laughs]

This is before Breaking Bad,
before meth was popping.

All right?

And by the way,
OK, there's 14 people in this bar.

Fourteen people, all right?

You know how sometimes,
at least for me,

it's hard to tell how many people
are a group of people.

I could be at Dodger Stadium and be like,

"This is either 50,000 people,
or 12 million people."

I have no fucking idea.

My point is 14 people
is very easy to tell. OK?

'Cause it's just 13 more than you,
you know? Like...

You just be like, "One, 14, that's it.
That's how many that is."

And 12 of these people are at the bar, OK?
They're not even fucking facing me.

They're just, 12 of these people
are literally just lined up...

[audience laughing, clapping]

Sitting at--

And they know I'm back there,
you know?

They're doing, like, a "fuck you" sit.

Like, one of them was like that even.

Just drinking and doing meth
or whatever.

And I'm behind them trying to be like,
"Hey, what's the deal with cell phones?"

Or whatever. Trying to do the shit
I learned from the Laundromat, right?

OK.

There's one person,
she's this lady that's facing me.

And she's this big,
fat beast of a woman...

OK, like, you know what?

Every time I say this lady
is fat in my act,

people I can feel are like,
"Whoa, don't say that."

Like, they're being judgmental.

Fuck you, OK? Like, they're--

Like, what, are there no fat people?
There are fat people.

And this lady was one of them. OK?

And there's nothing wrong with that,
but that's how she was.

And it wasn't my fault either, OK?

I'm just seeing this lady now,
for the first time ever.

Like, I was never like,
"Hey, fucking you eat more." Like, that--

"Do it!" Like... "I got your family
at home, you do that shit now."

She took it upon herself to just...
[mumbles]

And then just... blah! Like that.

And I fucking just met her now. OK?

So quiet with that
fucking judgmental shit. All right?

She was this big, fat... beast--

To her credit, she also looked
very strong. You know what I mean?

Like a strong, but fat...

Like fat-strong, you know?

You know what she looked like?
Like a bro. Do you know what I mean?

You know the bro that, like,
wears a backwards hat in the pool,

or some shit?

You know that dick? Right?

The kind of guy who works
out and talks about it all the time,

but also doesn't do enough cardio.

He'll still wear-- He'll still wear
a tight shirt and you're like,

"Yo, bro, you're pushing that shit.
Like, relax."

The kind of guy that will post a picture
of himself working out,

and post it on Instagram,
then hashtag it "beastmode."

That fucking guy, OK?

Where you would see it in your feed
and be like, "No, not beast mode, asshole.

OK?

Regular human mode because...
you work at Chase Bank, OK?

And there's no beasts
that work there, OK? So..."

So this fucking fat beast
of a woman was...

And by the way, she was 50 years old.
She was a 50-year-old lady, OK?

Her face and body were 50,

and she had this crazy frizzy hair
that was going everywhere.

Her hair was going every which way
and this 50-year-old strong lady with a--

but fat, and this... crazy frizzy hair...

And she wouldn't shut up. She was
talking the whole time I was on stage.

And right now, you're like,
"Hey, wait a minute.

You said that there were 14 people,
there were 12 at the bar,

you were one, and she makes 14.
Who was she talking to?"

Nobody.
She was a fucking crazy person, OK?

She was talking the whole time
I was on stage, all right?

I got so fed up that in the middle
of my act, I stop, I looked at her,

and I said, "Hey, Blanka,
shut the fuck up!"

OK, you know... [laughs]

You remember Blanka
from Street Fighter II? OK?

[audience laughs]

All right. All right.

Now, the younger people
laughed at that joke.

'Cause you remember that video game.

You're like, "Shit, yeah,
I remember." All right?

But the older people
in the audience are like,

"I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about."

But that's why I thought this dis
was gonna be the best dis ever, OK?

'Cause I thought it was gonna sail
over her frizzy, 50-year-old head,

hit the 12 much younger people
at the bar, right?

They were gonna hear the dis
and be like, "Street Fighter II?

I remember that video game."

Get curious, turn around...

see the lady, laugh, and then
I was gonna win the room. Right?

OK. Hey, the only person that knew
who Blanka was in this bar was this lady.

[audience laughs]

She got so mad, like...
like, way too mad.

Like, she got angry as fuck.
Like, she...

It was like the moment
she woke up that morning,

the first thought she had was, "Bing!
Nobody better call me Blanka today."

She got so mad that
she actually charged me.

She for real left her conversation
with nobody and...

It was rude to the people
that weren't there.

She got up,
and started charging me...

In my head, that's how it was,
on all fours. Just like that.

And I thought, maybe for a split second,
I was like,

"Yo, maybe this is the real-life Blanka."
Like, I don't know.

But I didn't know what to do.

Like, here, in the theater,
I can go out the exit way,

the secret back door, whatever.

This was a rundown shitty bar
in the Valley.

There was nowhere to go.
I just cowered in the corner.

I thought she was gonna get close and...
[imitates zapping sound]

Do the electricity move.

To where I got too close, and just...

[grunting]

My bones are flashing.

"Round two, fight!"

Anyway, that's beast mode, OK? And...

The whole reason
why I'm telling you that story is,

thanks for coming out, so I don't have to
deal with that shit anymore.

[cheering]

Yeah, so it's cool, man. You know.

I get to do this shit now.

I just, like, end of my tour,
but I've been doing all sorts of, like...

I've been traveling everywhere,
all over America.

- Like, it's crazy. I--
- [woman whoops]

You just rooting for America.
That chick back there?

"Whoo! Yes, anywhere!"

"Wherever you are or aren't..."

"Anywhere in the America!"

[laughing]

I've been traveling everywhere.
I just got back from South Florida.

And that shit is-- They party hard.

Like, they're-- They don't...
They never don't party.

And, by the way, everybody's Cuban.
I don't give a shit.

Like, even if you're not Cuban,
you're kind of... secretly Cuban.

You know what I mean? Like...

Even tall, white, blonde dudes
will trick you. Right?

You'd be like, "Pardon me."
He'd be like,

[Cuban accent] "That's OK.
How's it going, my friend? How are you?

Bet you thought I was Swedish
or some shit. No, no, no."

[imitates reggaeton music]

In their head, always. Just...
[continues imitating reggaeton music]

[speaks Spanish]

[audience cheering]

Dude, hey, Cubans love being Cuban.
You'll never meet-- For real.

You'll never meet a Cuban and they'll--

You'll be like, "Are you Cuban?"
And they're like this:

[Cuban accent] "Yes, I am Cuban.

Just kidding!"
[imitates reggaeton music]

"Joke's on you!"

Dude... [laughs]
I got lost down there in Miami.

By the way, don't ever ask
a Cuban for directions,

unless you wanna have
the best time of your life.

I got lost, I was like, "Hey, man,
how do I get to where I wanna go?"

He goes... [Cuban accent]
"This is what you do, my friend.

Come this way. Come this way.

My friend, come this way.

I'm gonna tell you which way to go,
so we have the same eye line.

Come closer, come closer to me.

I want you close to me, come closer.

I want you close--"
I was fucking right here.

"I want you closer than that.

I want you so close,
if you were any closer, you would be me.

That's how close I want you.

Come here,
this is how we're gonna do this, OK?

Come closer, come closer.

Here's how we're gonna do.
[kisses] Got you. OK, look.

What? No, I'm not gonna kiss you.
Come this way.

OK, this how we're gonna do this, OK?
This how, all right?

OK, imagine...
this what I want you to do. OK?

Imagine we are here.
You gotta imagine. Imagine..."

[laughs]

"Imagine you are here. Imagine--"

He kept saying,
"Imagine we are here."

Yo, dude, you don't
have to imagine we're here.

We fucking are here.

"No, but you gotta imagine.
I want you to imagine in your mind's eye.

Imagine..."

[laughs]
"Imagine we are here.

This is how we're gonna do it.
We're gonna start out this way.

OK? Bang. That's how. Bang.
We gonna start this way.

Bang, OK? Then all of a sudden,
we gonna go this way. Bang.

That's how we're gonna do, OK?

Bang, and then bang.
That's how.

Bang for three blocks,
bang, bang, bang.

At the end of the block,
we're go this way.

Bang. That's how we do, OK?

Then two more blocks, bang, bang,
and then all of a sudden, bang.

That's how we're gonna do."
Every direction was "bang."

I didn't know what the fuck--

I was like, "OK, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bang.

Are we fucking the whole way there?
I don't know..."

"Yes!"
[imitates reggaeton music]

"You better believe we're going
to fuck the whole way there.

I'm gonna fuck you the whole way there."

Cubans love being Cuban.

They're so fucking excited,
it's hilarious.

You know who the opposite of Cubans are?
Russians. Straight up.

They don't give a fuck.
They're mad always. You never--

You never met a happy Russian ever. Ever.

I can prove it right now.

You never once in your life
heard a Russian go like this:

[Russian accent]
"Oh, my God, no way, fucking awesome."

[audience laughs]

That's why you're laughing.
You agree with that shit.

You ever seen a Russian
outside of Disneyland, like,

[Russian accent]
"Hurry up. Is the whole crew here?

Let's go on rides! Go, go!
Come on, let's go, go, go!"

No! They just stand outside
of Disneyland, like,

"Fuck this bullshit.
I hate this place.

Fuck you, fuck this place.
I hate this.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse,
worst couple ever. I don't care.

Shittiest place on earth.
My--" [chuckles]

I see rollercoaster go by,
I follow them. Fuck you. I don't care.

Bye-bye!

Oh, you coming back for more?

Asshole!

I see you doing loops.

Asshole, dizzy bitch, fuckhead!"

Russians are mad, dude.

Dude, they're so-- They never--
They just, fucking-- I live in--

I used to live in the Valley. I moved.

But that shit was--
Man, there's so many Russians where I was,

like, that it was like Russia.

Like, there were--

I'd go to this coffee shop every day--

I would go to this coffee shop every day,
and 12 Russians would show up

on motorcycles every single day.
[laughs] Uh...

At, like, 1 p.m. They'd show up
and I would wait for them.

And every time they showed up,
they were pissed off.

Like, so mad for no reason.

It was like they just drove every day
from their divorce attorney.

Like, that's how it was.

[Russian accent]
"I had bad meeting."

[chuckles]

"I'm going to have to give wife
half of my shit.

Let's go get coffee. Twelve of us."

Like, that's how it was.
[laughs]

[audience laughs, cheers]

"I have to--" [laughs]

I like that logic. "I have to--"

"I have to give my wife $20,000.
Let's go get coffee. Twelve of us."

[laughs]

And they'd be pissed off.
They'd show up on motorcycles

and they'd get off
like they hated motorcycles.

Like, that's-- They would just get off
and just be like...

[Russian accent]
"Fuck this bullshit. I hate this...

asshole way of transportation.

Fuck you. I don't care.

I wish I had more wheels.
Fuck you.

But my wife took the other two.
I don't care."

Then they'd walk into the coffee shop
like they hate coffee.

They'd just walk in like,
"What is this bullshit?

What is this asshole menu?

Where is barista?
Come here, barista.

This way. Fuck you.
But come here.

But fuck you, but come here.

But fuck you, though.
Mainly, fuck you, but also come here.

In your asshole. Come here.

What is this bullshit drink?
Fuck that bullshit drink.

Fuck you, drink.
I want one of those.

And I want to drink it,
but also fuck you. I don't care." [laughs]

"They walk, always,
they walk around like this way."

So you know they're mad.
Like, "Fucking chin down.

Chin tucked in and down.

Chin-- Fuck my own chin.
I don't care.

Chin tucked in and down.
Chest out, chin down, chest--

Minimal neck exposure. I don't care.

Neck is for friends and family only.
I don't...

Neck is like Mafia. You get in,
nobody comes out. I don't care.

Chest up for confidence,
chin down for 'Fuck you!' I don't care."

They're just mad. Russians are mad about,
like-- They don't...

Everything about Russians
is "fuck you."

They're the only language
with a backwards "R."

How the fuck... did that come up?

[Russian accent] "Here is what we're
going to do. Come here. Gather around.

Come here. I have letters.
Boris, come here. Listen.

We take 'R', regular, standard
American English 'R'--

Boris, come here.
We take 'R', regular, standard 'R'--

Boris, come here. We take 'R',
turn it around, it's now backwards 'R'.

Fuck you, 'R'! Fuck 'R'.
Right in your asshole, 'R'. Yes!

Hey, come here, there's more letters.
Come here. I have ideas.

Come here. We take 'O',
regular, standard 'O'...

Come here, Boris. We take 'O',
put lines through it. Fuck you, 'O'.

Fuck 'R' and 'O'. Right there.
We don't care. Wait, I'm not done.

There's more letters. Come here.
Come here.

We take 'H', turn it upside down.
Fuck you, 'H'.

Of course, upside down 'H',
technically still looks like 'H'.

They don't know, but we know."

[cheering]

[laughs] Dude, I love... I love dumb shit.
Like, silly shit makes me laugh.

And, like, I don't know.

I love it because my favorite shit
like that is, like--

Like, if you know me,
if you've seen me before,

like, and you know I do silly shit,

you'll see that bit right there,
and you'll be like,

"Oh, yeah, that's kind of like his style.
It's silly. That's why I'm here."

- But my favorite--
- [audience laughs]

My favorite part about that is not
everybody is here 'cause you wanna be.

You know what I mean?

Some of the people here got dragged
by the people that wanted to see me.

That shit is hilarious, OK?
Because... here's why.

Because you saw that bit and you're like,

"Yo, what the fuck is this asshole
talking about?"

And that is the best
because I already have your money.

- Do you know what I mean?
- [cheering, applause]

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna buy stuff with it.

I don't know.

Oh, hey, you know-- Actually,
this is how I wanted to start the show.

I fucked it up a little bit, but...

[laughs] I don't know.

This is what I wanted to start.
I wanted to start with a message--

Well, a statement, kind of.
It's not even a joke, for real.

It's a statement, and it goes like this.

It's for girls, first of all. Um...

[women cheering]

- You're not gonna like it. And...
- [audience laughs]

Cheer later. And... [chuckles]

This is the statement. It goes like this:

Hey, girls.

- Relax.
- [audience laughs, applauding]

Yeah. No joke. That's it.
Just because-- [laughs]

'Cause you don't.
You know what I mean?

You don't. You don't.

For instance, every second of all
of the days that ever happened,

- you don't. Like--
- [laughter]

You don't. Girls get stressed out
for no reason, right?

You run into a girl--
You run into a girl and you're just...

[groaning]

They just fucking... [groans]

You're like, "What's wrong?" "I fucking,
I'm having the most stressful day."

"Like, it's 7:45 am.
What are you talking about?

Nothing could have happened yet."

"I know, but fucking..." [groans]

"What?" "I can't."

"You can't what?"

"I can't even."

Yo--

"You can't-- You can't even what?
Why are you doing this word by word?

Do the whole sentence.

Rip that Band-Aid off,
I don't know what happened."

Girls get stressed out for no reason.
I was-- I was--

One time, a girl told me this.
She looked at me and she goes like this.

This is what she said.
She looked at me, she goes like this:

"You wouldn't know what happened,
even if I told you."

[laughter]

"What, are you gonna say it in Arabic?
I don't know what you mean.

Like, did a dragon fuck you? Like...

If a dragon fucked you, talk slow,
'cause I need to comprehend."

[laughs]

"I was at the market
and a dragon fucked me."

"You're right, I have
no fucking idea what that means."

[laughs]

Girls get stressed for no reason.
I invited people over--

This happened--
I invited people over my place,

the other day,
and two girls called me separately

from outside of my house,
from different cars,

all stressed out and this is what
they were stressed out about:

They go like this: "Where do I park?"

What? I don't-- What do you mean?
You are-- You are on the street.

You did it already, kind of.
You know?

Like, if I was like,
"Where's the microphone?"

I'm fucking... it's right here.
You don't...

"Are you in the car?" "Yeah."
"OK, turn it off, get out."

- Like, you know...
- [audience laughs]

Step one: park. That's it.
There's no other step.

It's like... it's like breathing.
Step one... you did it. There's no...

Are you in the forest?
Then I could help you.

Step one: get out of the forest.

Step two: park.
That's still the main thing.

"No, I know, but..." [groans]

Girls-- I think, here's what
the real thing is.

Girls like to get stressed out, OK?

And I know that because every girl in here
has said this at least three times

this week, right here.
This is what girls say.

You go like this: "I have literally
been running around all day."

[audience laughs, cheering]

[imitates buzzer]
No, you fucking haven't. OK?

First of all,
you drove everywhere you went to.

"I've literally been running around..."
I like to think about a girl all day

literally just like... [singing]

That's running around all day literally.
All right?

That's the least stressful thing
you could do, if you think about that.

You know who does that?
A child does that. OK?

A child can literally shit his pants
and not be stressed out about that.

All right? So you're not stressed out.

Girls get stressed,
and it's good, though, man.

'Cause girls care, you know?
Girls really care. And that's awesome.

'Cause guys don't give a fuck.
You know?

Girls care, girls care, and then dudes
are like, "Nah, it's gonna be cool."

But girls are like, "No, it's not."
Dudes are like, "Trust me, it'll be fine."

Girls are like, "No, no..."

And you're like,
"Yeah, it's gonna be fine. And that's it."

"No, no, no, but..."
"All right, I break up with you."

Like, that's...

[chuckles]

'Cause girls care to a fault, you know?
You really do.

All right, guys,
you know when you're hanging out,

and there's like four of you or whatever,
then there's one girl

that's hanging out with you
and she's just around.

And one of you starts picking
on one of your other friends.

You'll be like, "Hey, dude,
you're a fucking loser.

Ha-ha. Fuck you, loser."

And then the other dude might join in
and be like, "Yeah, he's right.

Fuck you, you're a loser. Ha!
We both agree on that. Blah!"

And then the third dude
will come and be like,

"Yo, those two dudes are fucking right,
loser! You suck, you know?"

And then the girl will be like,
"Oh, but no, come on, he's not a loser."

You're like, "Yo, I was joking.
You just made that shit real.

Now I have to help him get a job.
Like, what the...?"

I'm never stressed out.
I just don't care.

I think it's actually a problem,
like, for real.

[guffaws]

I think it is a problem.
I kind of feel like...

Like, I feel a little bit like
I'm a sociopath or whatever. Like...

'Cause OK, here's one thing.
I would watch--

I watch every episode of Dexter.
I love that show, OK?

- [cheering]
- It's good show. It was a real good show.

I watched every episode,
but during every episode,

I'd watch that and I'd be like,
"Yeah, that's the right move, Dexter.

I would do that exactly."

Like, that's... wrong.

You know? Whatever.

But I didn't give a fuck.
That's the whole point. I don't care.

I just-- Like, even when friends come up
that you care about, right?

They'll come up to you and ask
for advice about stuff.

They'll be like,
"Hey, you know, I don't, like...

I don't know what to do. I think maybe
my girl's hanging out with another dude.

What do I do?"

I'll do the face where I'm like, "Oh, no!

Come on, man. Go get 'em!"
Or whatever.

But in my head, I'm for real thinking
things like, "Mm, what about my penis?

Eh! Poop comes out of my butthole
sometimes."

I don't care!

I think that makes me a bad person.
Like, for real...

I don't care. I just don't care.

I gotta-- Even when I get into--

I got an argument a little bit,
kind of, recently.

OK, but not-- You ever get in an argument
and in the middle of it,

you're like, "Oh, yeah,
I don't give a fuck about this."

- Right?
- [cheering]

But, by the way,
that's always where I'm at, right?

Like, if we ever get into a conversation
and you get to the point

where you go like this:
"Huh? Nuh-uh!"

I'm just gonna go like this:
"Yeah, you're probably right."

That's how much I give a fuck.

That being said, OK,
I've dated a lot of girls

that love to argue, all right?

Which probably secretly means
that I like to argue,

but we're not gonna talk about that
right now. OK?

All I'm saying is that if you keep...
running into the same problem,

you're the problem.
You know what I mean?

- But who cares about my therapist. So...
- [audience laughs]

The other day this happened, OK?
I was walking down the street.

I was wearing my favorite
bright, orange shirt. OK?

It's my favorite shirt. It's bright,
it's orange. I wear it all the time.

All right,
as I'm walking down the street,

I notice a girl that I used to date
and kind of hang out with

walking in my general direction.
All right?

Now, I immediately did what anybody
in this room would have done,

given the circumstance.
I go like this: "Oh, fuck!"

'Cause I didn't wanna run into her, OK?

'cause I remember our history
and we're definitely gonna argue.

So, I was like, I got a plan,
I'm gonna cross the street.

That was my whole plan. OK?

But then I realize I'm wearing
my favorite bright, orange shirt.

I'm an asshole because
she's gonna spot me trying to get away,

and that's what's gonna start
the argument.

She'll be like, "Oh, my God!
Where are you going?

You're such an asshole! I see you!
You're trying to avoid me!

You never change!"
Or whatever.

And then I'm gonna have to fucking
kill her, like Dexter. Right? OK.

So, I was like, "You know what?
Abort that plan.

I'm gonna do this kamikaze mission
and see what the fuck goes down,

hope for the best." OK?

So as I'm walking down the street,
I notice that the girl

is walking with an older lady. OK?
And they approach me.

The girl sees me and goes like this:
"Hey, Chris. Oh, my God!

How are you?
I haven't seen you in so long!"

- That's how she sounds in my head. So...
- [audience laughs]

Then she refers to the older lady
and she goes like this:

"This is my mom." OK.

I've never met this girl's mom
before in my life. OK?

I've never seen her,
I don't know her.

So just in a cute way,
I looked at the lady and I go like this:

"Oh, hey, what's up, Mom?
How are you?"

And the girl goes like this:
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

Not your mom, my mom."

Yeah, bitch, no shit.
You know what I mean?

What kind of lunatic would I have to be...

if all of a sudden I thought that this
woman was the one that I came out of?

You know? Just like,
"Whoa, no way! Mom?

Get out of here! You know I used
to hang out with this girl?

What a coincidence.
I used to be inside both of you!"

[audience clapping]

Whatever. That's what I wanted to say,

but then I'd have to kill them both,
like Dexter. Right?

So... I knew she was trying
to push my buttons.

So I just swallowed all of that--
whatever I was gonna do,

get shitty, and I just... I can't believe
I heard these words come out of my mouth.

But I looked at the lady
and I go like this:

"Oh, never mind, you're not her."

Whatever.

I kind of lost that one.
You know what I mean? But...

Also, I kinda won 'cause I set out with
a plan not to argue, I achieved that goal.

- Right? OK.
- [cheering]

No, that's not the end of the story. OK?

This girl was right there and she wanted
to fucking get her argument quota.

She took that shit to the next level.
All right?

She picked up my shirt
and goes like this:

"Oh, my God! What's the deal?
You're wearing pink shirts now, huh?

You didn't used to wear pink
when we used to hang out. What changed?"

Now, if you remember,
in the beginning of the story,

the fucking shirt was orange, OK?

But it was obviously orange, all right?

It was daytime
when I ran into the girl,

nothing was blocking the shirt
between her and I,

and I know the shirt was orange
'cause when I bought the shirt,

I pointed to it, I say,
"How much is that orange shirt?"

The lady that worked there knew exactly
what fucking shirt I was talking about.

Now, I'm pissed off at this point, now,
because I know

that she's trying to push my buttons,
all right?

But I didn't want to get shitty
'cause I know that's what she wanted.

So instead, I...
this is what fucking--

I swallowed everything I wanted to say,
and this is what came out of my mouth.

I go like this:
[mumbles, groans]

[groans]

You know, how like, that's what
you'll do sometimes

instead of punching somebody
in the face, right?

Like every energy you have to
knock this motherfucker's head off,

swallows itself into your body
and transforms itself into... [groans]

So now I'm sitting there
just going... [groans]

I can't help it, I say,
"No, this is orange. Oh!"

Like I'm a fucking
Sesame Street character.

"'O' for orange.

- This is near, and this is far."
- [audience laughs]

Girl turned to me into fucking Grover.

But she didn't move her feet
or blink her eyes.

She goes like this:
"No, it's not. It's pink."

Hey, now I'm so mad, right?
Like, actually mad.

Like, as mad as that Blanka lady was.
Like, I felt that shit, you know?

Like that's how... I felt-- I actually
felt so mad, I was going to shit myself.

Like, that's how...
And I had no control.

My asshole was just like, "Hey, open up.
Fuck it, we lose. Like...

Everything out!" And my shit was like,
"Yeah, it's mad awkward in here! Get out!

Abort! We need to be near feet more!"
Or whatever.

I had to, like, manually close that shit.

Like my legs hooked me up,
you know what I mean?

My asshole was like, "Fuck you."
But my legs were like,

"We got this shit."

- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]

And I clenched... but my--
And then the shit was like,

"Yo, we gotta get out some way."

Like, I felt nau--
I felt like I might throw-- OK.

And here's the thing.
All right?

There's two kinds of throwing up.
All right?

There's the kind of throwing up
where you're like,

"Yo, I don't really feel that good,

I think I got a bug. I might throw up."

And then you go,
"Whoa, here it comes. Bleh."

And you're like,
"Now, I feel much better."

But then there's the other kind
of throwing up,

where maybe you ate something
and that shit was the bomb.

Like, you loved it. Right?
And you're just going about your day,

and you're like,
"Yo, that chicken was so good, man."

And then you don't know you're throwing
up, until you already threw up.

You know what I mean? Right?
Like it happens all of a sudden.

You're like,
"Yeah, that's true. Ahhh!

- Yeah, no... Ahhh!"
- [audience laughs]

I felt like I was gonna scream-vomit
all over this family.

But I caught that shit.
My mouth hooked me up.

They were in with the legs
and they fucking...

I kept that shit in.

And I... and then I realized

that's probably
how Russians get so mad.

But through all of this, I was able
to just eke these words out,

And I looked at her and I said,

"You know what?
I guess I don't know

the difference between pink and orange."
Because I didn't want to argue.

And, I didn't wanna make shit weird
in front of our mom.

[audience laughs, claps]

I guess, uh...

the point of
what I'm trying to say is like...

I'm not just trying to tell some stupid
story about an orange shirt.

I'm trying to make a larger point here,
OK?

And the point is, is like, uh...

if you wanna argue,
you kinda have to argue. You know?

You gotta let that shit out.
If you don't, it's bad for you.

Like, you might end up resenting
the person you're talking to

or resenting yourself.

Like, this happened a few weeks ago
and I still think about it.

Like, for real. If I'm being honest,
I've thought about it every day.

Like, and I've--
It's my favorite shirt. I've told you.

I've worn it since then.
Every time I put it on,

I'm like, "Fuck that bitch, it's orange!"
Like, it's so...unhealthy.

And the worst part about it is,
I know she hasn't thought about it

since the shit went down. It's just
all in a day's shitty work for her, right?

Like, there's no way she's in her
apartment like...

"It's pink, I don't give a fuck."
Like, there's no way.

I want her to know it's orange.
That's all.

Then I feel like, I'll be fine.

I wanna drive by late at night, one night,
with the lady that sold it to me,

and be like,
"Honk, honk. Tell her."

"It's orange, bitch!

Go, go, go, go, go!"

It's weird how shit like that
will piss you off, you know?

But I feel like only an ex
can make you that mad, you know?

Like, only somebody
you've been intimate with

can push your buttons like that.
Right?

Like anybody you've
been in that moment with,

where you are like...

with them, like naked,
and that's you.

You know? That's just you
with no clothes on

- and you're... you know what I mean?
- [audience laughs]

And her shit is out, you know?

Or in... and you fucking...
[laughs]

And you're on top of her.
That's intimate shit.

And you look-- And you do eye contact.
You fuck with eye contact.

When you're doing it,

I'll be like, "Look at me."
Like, you...

It's so intimate. You could be like--
'Cause you--

- I could kill you, but I'm not.
- [audience laughs]

I would never do that.
In fact, I'm gonna do the opposite.

This is love. Like, that's...
a moment that you share with that person.

And later if that person's like,
"Ha-ha. Fuck you!"

You'd be like,
"What about this shit?

When I could have killed you
and I didn't even do that."

[audience] Aw!

Did you guys "aw"
like this is Full House or some shit?

Only an ex could piss you off like that.
Like if my buddy, OK,

that I've never been inside of,
like if my...

buddy that I've never entered,
or even, like,

that I've always been outside of,
that never...

If he came up to me and was like,
"Hey, nice pink shirt."

I'd be like, "Fuck you."
And we'd go see a movie.

That's how that would go.

That's pure dick-on-dick friendship.
That's how that goes, all right?

But girls, you can get at us like that.
You really can.

And here's why. All right?

Because as men,
all we want in life,

no matter what we do in our lives,

the real reason we're doing it
is to get you. That's what we want.

No matter what we do,
no matter what it-- Whatever it is,

the real reason is to get in...
in you, really, is the truth.

I know, it's true.
We drive nice cars,

we don't care about
what wheel we're behind.

We just want for when we drive by
for you to go... wait-- wa-- eh!

And then you get in the car
and then we get in you.

That's what we want.

We get nice jobs, we work hard,
we don't care where we go every day.

We just want you to be like,
"Wait a minute. What do you do?"

And then we get in you.
That's what we want.

No matter what we do as men,
the real reason we're doing it

is to get in your pussy.
That shit is crazy, dude.

It's crazy, dude, all right?

It's harsh, but it's true, man.

But here's the craziest part
about that whole thing. All right?

There's nothing in there.

[audience laughing]

[clapping, cheering]

That means that
all men want in life is nothing.

[audience laughs, claps]

Bang! That makes me
wanna jump off a bridge.

So all I'm saying is,
girls, to help us out,

to make us feel less crazy as men,
just keep shit in there.

You know what I mean?

What? It could be anything.
It doesn't need to be gold. You know?

Any-- Like, a little bird
would be amazing.

No, imagine, though.
You're hooking up with a girl,

"Yeah, come here,
take these off."

Zip! [fluttering]
"What the fuck?

You just-- A blue jay came out,
I think, maybe.

It's maybe a blue jay.

Anything. A roll of quarters
would be equally impressive.

To help you park when you come over!
You know?

It could be half for me,
half for you.

Imagine if that's how it was.
That'd be so cool if that's how it was.

If that's how sex was,
that'd be awesome.

Like, I mean,
it's already kind of the best thing ever

because of cumming.

You know what I mean?
But...

No, that's awesome.
Dude, orgasms are so dope. Like, you...

They're the best-- They're awesome
because they're always awesome.

They're never not.
They're never not. Ever.

Like, there's nothing else like that.
Like, I love cheeseburgers. You know?

But sometimes I'll eat one
and I'll be like,

"Fuck that cheeseburger."

Like, you never... you never have an
orgasm and you're like... ah... eh...

Like you're... you're always like,
"Yeah!"

Duh-duh-duh! That's...

"Level up!" That's how it feels.
It feels like you get to the next level

when you have an orgasm.

Org-- Dude, that feels so good, man.
That's so funny.

That's so funny how it
always feels so good, man.

Dudes love it, too. [laughs]

Dudes love that shit, man.

Like, I know 'cause I'm a dude.
Like, you...

Dudes-- OK.
Dudes feel so good,

we feel so good when we orgasm,
every dude, for a split second,

when we have an orgasm,
we become Nicolas Cage.

You know what I mean? Like...

No, for real, though.
That's how... [laughs]

All dudes, just...
[groaning]

- Fwah! Like...
- [audience laughs, cheers]

[laughs]

Just... [grunting, laughs]

That's... [grunting]

Fwah!

Yeah, dude, that'd be so cool, though,
if that's how sex was.

Like afterwards, you got a little prize.
That would be amazing.

Imagine, right when you're finishing up,
just... [grunting]

- "Oh, what? A ring pop?"
- [audience laughs]

"No way!

Get outta here.
That's amazing!

[grunting] Thank you!
Thank you!"

Anything, just... [grunting]

"No, two tickets to Coachella?
Get out of here!

That's so cool!
Thank you so much, man.

For real!
Aw, baby, you're the best.

Do I have to take you
or can I take whoever I want to?

No, I'll take you.
Chill, chill, chill, chill."

There's nothing we get out of there.
We give you all the shit.

We give you all the shit!

- And then you fucking... ah...
- [audience laughs]

We're like, "Here, have this.
Anything in the-- Fucking, have this.

A fucking pony, have that.

Have this fucking pony!

And a house
and have all these things."

And then you're like,
"I have something for you. Psyche!"

- Like, there's nothing...
- [audience laughs]

Nothing!
That's crazy, nothing comes out.

Well, no,
one thing does: a baby.

- What the fuck?
- [audience laughs]

No. Worst prize ever.
Straight up, for real.

Worst prize ever.

Worst prize ever. Some people
don't think so. Eat dicks. Fuck that.

Worst... worst prize--

I can prove it right now.
If you were on The Price is Right, OK?

And... the dude was like,
"You win a new baby!"

You'd be like,
"I wanted the yacht. That's bullshit.

The yacht doesn't shit itself."

A baby, that's crazy, man.

Babies come out of girls, like...

That's, like, insane.
Like, that's so...

Like, we don't think about that.
Like, why?

Why don't we think about that
every minute of every day?

Because that's alien shit.
Like, that's insane,

to be like, a person,
who walks out of another person?

What, dude?

Yo, and people want me to vote?

People are like,
"Why aren't you political?"

And I'm like, 'cause that-
"Hey, because babies come out of people,

- that's why, man."
- [audience laughs]

People take it for granted.
People don't even think about that shit.

Somebody will be like,
"Hey, we're having a baby."

Then somebody else will be like,
"Is it a boy or a girl?"

How about the fact that
it's a fucking human being?

A lady, a grown lady,
opens up her legs

and a little, mini version
of her just rappels out!

Like Tom Cruise in
Mission Impossible, just...

[audience laughs]

A baby just comes out, like,
"Hey, what's up, dude?

I'm a baby! Ahh!

It's time for me to be on this world
and fuck shit up!

Give me a Social Security number
and it's on, baby!"

A baby. A real one.

And you know what?
Babies ain't shit, man.

They're not. People are always like,
"Whoa, they're so amazing."

No, they're not, dude.
No, they're not. OK?

"How could you say that?"
'Cause you know what's amazing?

Us. Adults.
We do shit. OK?

We all dressed ourselves, we drove here,
we built this fucking theater.

Babies come out,
they're not even ready, dude.

They're not ready! They come out,
they're just like... "Wah! Wah!"

"Huh? What?

Oh, you can't talk?

Get the fuck back up in there
'til you learn to speak.

Do first grade in that pussy,
at least."

Babies aren't even ready, man.
They're all wet and shit.

Wipe it off.

Babies come out--
If you have a baby, OK,

and you put that baby down,
you walk away for long enough,

that baby dies.

You, the adult,
needs to help that baby

and give it things like water
and sandwiches. It needs it!

Stay up in there until you can make
your own fucking sandwich.

- That's all I'm saying.
- [audience laughs]

That's how other animals do it.
Other animals come out ready as fuck.

They come out down for whatever.
They're the Tupac of babies. OK?

When a deer, when a lady deer
opens up her deer... a bitch deer,

I don't know what you call it.

A ho-ass deer.
[laughs]

When a deer, when a fucking lady deer
opens up her legs,

a little, mini version of her
just comes out like, bam!

"What do you want me to do?
What should I do?

I'm gonna go look for berries.
I'm gonna look for berries."

It already knows where the food is!

This baby can't even make
a turkey sandwich.

- Fuck you, shitty baby!
- [audience laughs]

Stay up in there until you're ready.
OK?

That's how it should be for us.

Women should give birth
to men and women. OK?

A lady-- A grown--
A lady should open up her legs,

and a grown dude
should just plop out,

with like a suit on and a goatee,
just like, "Hey, I'm late for work.

I gotta go, I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I work-- By the way, pick me up
at Wells Fargo. That's where I work."

A baby, man.

Oh, man.

I don't have--
I don't have any kids, for sure, you know?

I don't. Like, but for sure,
but you gotta say "for sure."

Because people won't believe you.
They'll be like,

"Yeah, but maybe you do.

You don't know. Could have totally
happened. Maybe you don't even know.

You ever think of that, dude?

Could have had one."
But I know for sure. OK?

Because I always,
I'm very safe.

Like, I always wear a condom,
and like-- I have one on right now,

- and when I...
- [audience laughs]

No, but I... [laughs]

I also do this other thing
to take extra precaution, where...

This is so stupid,
but I really do this.

Like, when you... even though
I'm wearing a condom,

when I'm about to have an orgasm,
I'll pretend to have the orgasm

right before the real orgasm,
and then I'll still pull out,

but I gotta pretend like I already
had an orgasm. Right?

So I'm trying to hide it.
So I'm like, "Yeah!" [groans]

[groaning, grunting]

It's like, "What's wrong, you OK?"
"Never better, why?

Why do you say that?"
[grunting]

So I don't have any kids, man.
And I'm...

I'm happy about that

because I don't know if I'm--
I'm not ready, you know?

I know the whole thing
is you're never ready until you do it,

and then you just figure it out.

But I don't know, man.
My buddy had a kid.

And I'm trying to watch him
figure that shit out.

- He's just always like, "No, no, no..."
- [audience laughs]

That's not how you figure shit out.
You know?

"Oh, oh, oh!

Fucking shit-ass!"

I don't know.
He had a daughter, you know?

And he's just like,
"What do I do?"

Like, you fucking did it.
I don't know, like.

Don't ask me.
I definitely don't know.

He's all stressed out
about the daughter and, like,

he's like, "I'm not even a--

How do I identify-- You know?
How do I connect as a man..."

I'm like... To me, it's scarier
to have a son. A boy.

Like, if I have a boy,
a kid, a son, or whatever, like...

'Cause you're the man,
and he comes up to you like,

"Hey, what, what-- Hey, Dad."

[audience laughs]

"What's up?
What do I do?" [laughs]

"Hey, Dad. What's up?
What do I do?"

That'd be the best first words ever.
You know?

Just like, "Hey, Dad. What's up?
I'm here now. What do I do?

Where are you going?
You have to teach me stuffs."

[laughs]

[cheering, clapping]

"Dad, come back here.
I want to have a hamburger.

I'm your 'sponsibility now.
You come... you come here."

I don't do-- I can't...
To show a kid to be a man, you know?

A boy, show him how to be a man?
I don't do-- I'm not...

I'm not manly at all. I don't...
I don't do manly shit.

Like, I cried recently.
Like...

You're never supposed to cry, ever.
As a dude, you're never supposed to cry.

No matter what happens,

it's supposed to
bounce off your chest,

or whiz by you, and then three months
later, you're supposed to be like,

"I don't even barely remember
what the fuck went down."

You're never supposed to cry. Maybe until
one minute, right before you die,

you let one tear
just roll down your cheek.

But before it hits your chin,
you just go... eh!

And you eat that shit.

And people see it,

they see you die and they're like,

"Wow, that dude ate his last tear.
That's a man."

I try not to cry, you know?
I try to like...

I try to, you know, not to cry
'cause I have that male instinct.

But I always... I'm a person.
I'm an emotional...

I'm a fucking emotional guy, you know?
I try not to cry.

It always ends up coming out
'cause it has to.

I try to bottle it up.
And, when it does, because I do that,

it happens at the weirdest times.

Like, I don't even wanna tell you guys
why I cried recently, but...

- fuck it.
- [cheering]

Hey, have you... I mean, I'm gonna
tell you 'cause it's part of my act.

But... you don't have to goad me on.
[laughs]

OK, here's why. Have you guys seen
the movie Kazaam with Shaquille O'Neal?

[clapping, cheering]

Whatever.
It's an emotional journey. OK?

For those of you that don't know
the movie, OK? Shaquille O'Neal,

the basketball player, aka the
guy who doesn't act in movies ever

because he's not an actor
and he's a basketball player,

acts in this movie
and he plays a genie. OK?

It's a real movie,
I'm not making it up.

Google that shit. OK?

So I turn on the movie,
I turn on the TV,

and the movie's on already.
It's the beginning of the movie.

And I immediately see
Shaquille O'Neal dressed as a genie.

And I think, "Wow, fuck this movie.
It looks so dumb." OK?

- I thought that for an hour and a half.
- [audience laughs]

Which means I definitely watched
the whole movie, OK?

Then, at the end of the movie,
there's this really cute moment

where the little kid in the movie
looks up to Kazaam,

Shaquille O'Neal,
and this is what he says:

"Um, I just want you to know,
that um...

I consider you my friend."

- Hey, I lost it, man.
- [audience laughs]

I didn't even cry how a man's supposed
to cry, like on his knees, in slow motion,

holding his dying friend
while choppers blaze over his head.

I cried, this is the noise
that came out of my mouth:

- [gasps] Hah!
- [audience laughs]

"Hah!" That's the most bitch noise
any dude ever made in history

and I made it. OK?

Tears didn't even stream down my face.

They shot the fuck out,

like I was a Japanese cartoon
or some shit. Just...

[grunting sobs]

I was embarrassed
and I was alone, OK?

You know how embarrassed you have to be,
to be alone and embarrassed?

I grabbed the remote.
I changed the channel for nobody.

Nobody was in the room.

I blindly hit
the channel up button,

you know what was
on the channel above it?

Kazaam in HD.

I cried-- I cried harder,
it was colorful and more vivid.

More Japanese, just...
[grunting sobs]

"Hey, Dad,
why are you crying at him?"

[laughs]

"Hey, Dad. Hey, what's up?"
"What?"

"Why are you crying when you're
watching that movie like that?"

"Fucking go to bed."

"But Dad, it's 3 p.m."

You know how bad
that would fuck up the kid's life?

At school, just,
"Hey, you know..."

On the playground. "Hey, you know when...
you know when your dad cries

and you have to go to bed?"

[laughs]

"Hey, Tommy.
Come here.

Hey, dude, come here.

You know when you're watching...
when your dad's watching a movie...

You know when your dad's watching a movie
with a basketball player and..."

- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]

"And then he
ends up crying and then...

then you have to go to bed at 3 p.m.?
Did you know that?

- I'll probably grow up to kill people."
- [audience laughs]

[laughs]

I can't have my fucking fake son
see me do that shit.

A man...
what if he wants to play sports?

"Hey, Dad,
I want to play football."

Now I gotta fucking learn
how to play football.

I'm not manly. I don't even like sports.
I don't care, I don't care about sports.

I don't... I don't care.
Like, I...

- I don't care. I tried to watch...
- [cheering]

Eh... I tried to watch sports,
but, like, I don't give a fuck--

Like, I would watch if it was real bears
versus real dolphins. You know?

Just bears out there,
just like... [roaring]

Dolphins on the 20-yard line,
like... [screeching]

I'd have-- NFL would have all my money.
I'd have every package on DirecTV.

All of it, man.

Bears versus lions. You wouldn't wait
all year for that ferocious matchup?

No, fuck that.
That'd be way better and you know it, man.

Eagles flying around shitting
all over the Buccaneers, like...

I don't even know what
a buccaneer is, but it'd be hilarious

to see a buccaneer trying
to get away from a shitting eagle.

That would be hilarious.
Money, here you go, NFL. Here.

You know what a great bad team
to watch would be, the Cowboys.

Hey, 'cause they would just
be regular human beings. You know?

They'd be like, "Hey, hopefully,
we got our guns loaded correctly

and we got good aim 'cause they
got real live jaguars out there.

Run! Pow, pow, pow, pow!

Yah, yah! Pow, pow!"

You know what would be even better
than the Cowboys?

The Texans. Hey, 'cause,

- they would just be people from Texas.
- [audience laughs]

Like, [Texas accent]
"Hey, how the fuck did we get here?

We was at the mall! Run!

We don't even like
playing the Cowboys

'cause they're like us
but they got weapons! Go! Run!

That's unfair!"

The Browns would be a family
out on the field just barbecuing.

[audience laughs]

- "Giants!"
- [audience laughs]

[cheering]

Hey, my favorite bad team, hands down,
no doubt, would be the Packers.

- [men cheering]
- [audience laughs]

"Go, come on! Go! Go!

Grab the boxes!
There's Vikings out there! Go, go!

Go! Man, we picked
the worst day to move! Run!

I hate moving every Sunday
and sometimes Monday night,

depending on the scheduling! Go!"

I hate when I do that bit and then when
I say a team, people are like, "Whoa!"

Or "Boo!" Like, yo, chill.
It's just a joke.

You know what I mean?

"I can't help it!
When he says Packers, gotta cheer, dude!

Gotta fucking cheer
if he says Packers, man!

No matter what happens, you gotta cheer
when somebody says Packers.

That's the sports rule, OK?

You fucking hear Packers,
no matter what the fuck you're doing...

Hey, dude, straight up,
if you fucking hear Packers,

you..." [mumbles]

It's the fucking people,
in the sport, it's...

Like, there's people, like--

Hey, you know what I hate even more than
sports? Are dudes that paint their faces

the same color as the team they like,
then go to the game and root for the team.

Hey,
what the fuck are you doing?

Guys with kids sometimes,
what are you doing? OK?

Don't do that. Here, OK, let me...
stop the comedy show for two seconds,

so when I say this you know I'm serious.
If you do that, you're a fucking dork. OK?

[clapping, cheering]

Back to the show.
OK, look.

Just 100 percent do that zero times.
How about that? OK?

You've got grown men that wear jerseys
as fans with other grown men's names,

the players, on their own back,
and then they look at that dude

and they're like,
"Yeah, go that guy on my back!"

What the fuck?!

Hey, are you a bitch?
Like, what?

That is a fucking bitch move.
Take yourself outside of society

and think about what kind
of a bitch move that is. OK?

Here's the new rule, OK?
If you're a grown man

and you have another grown man's name
on your own back,

that dude gets to fuck you.

OK?

Don't care. I don't care.

No homo, but that's what's happening.
All right?

If you're walking around town
with a Wayne Gretzky jersey on,

and Wayne Gretzky sees you,
he gets to skate up...

grab you... bow, bow, bow, bow!

And then backwards skate away.

[audience laughing]

The only thing worse than getting fucked
in the ass when you don't want to,

- probably, is when...
- [audience laughs]

...afterwards, you see the dude
is backwards skating away.

That'd be really confusing in your life.
Know what I mean?

You'd be like,
"Ow! Who did that shit?

- Whoa!
- [audience laughs]

It's Wayne Gretzky!

Ouch, but cool!

Ouch, even though cool still,
though, a little bit."

"Hey, do you know when..." [laughs]

[audience laughs]

"Hey, Tommy.
You know when your..." [laughs]

"Hey, Tommy,
want to play football?"

[laughs]

"You know when you see a guy wearing
another person's name on their back,

and then... and then...
that guy gets to fuck that guy?

Do you know about that?

Then your dad sees that happen
and he cries,

and then you have to go to bed?

I prob-- I'm going to grow up
and kill people."

I can't fucking have my kid--
I don't...

Not manly.
I don't know. I can't...

I'm thinking about this manly shit,
like, I think about it a lot

'cause I talk about it a lot, and...

No matter how manly you are,
how not manly you are,

all dudes think they're manly
when it comes to one thing.

And that's having sex.

Like all dudes...

If you have a dick, you think you know
how to use it. That's how it is.

All dudes think they fuck hard,
right?

All dudes are just like,
"Dude, I fuck hard.

No, but for realsies.
Like, I fuck so hard.

Dude, hey, for real? You don't wanna be
around me when I start fucking.

I fuck so hard!

I fuck hard,
you know what I mean? Like...

Brought a girl back to my place
last night, fucked her hard."

"Hey, how do you fuck?"
"Hard."

Like, you'll never in-- ever--
hear a dude say, "Fucked her medium."

Like, you'll never hear that.
You know what I mean?

"Gave her that medium dick.
You know what I mean?

Little bit limp,
you know how they like it.

To where you need a shoehorn
to try and get it in."

Keeps on-- Trying to get it in,
keeps on smushing up against your body.

Buh! Come on. Buh!

Buh! Come on. Buh!

Buh!

"Trying to get that ring pop,
you know what I mean?"

All dudes think they fuck hard.
Even dorks.

Even legit dorks.
Dorks that are just like,

"Oh, excuse me, uh...

Oh, excuse me, pardon me.
Oops. I'm sorry.

Oof! [laughs]
I'm so sorry, sir.

Oh!

Ouch! Oh!

Excuse me, I'm just trying
to get to class. Excuse me!

Oh, my calculator!
You're kicking it!

It's a Texas Instrument!
Please, somebody grab it!"

Even that dude in his head
is like, "If they only knew."

All dudes think they fuck hard.

Except my buddy,
he's the worst at having sex.

I didn't fuck him. I know it
sounds like that when I say that.

But whatever.

I know he's the worst at having sex
because he's been hanging out

with this girl for a year,
it's been a year,

and he still hasn't had sex with her.

- A year. I know, dude, he's my buddy.
- [crowd groans]

I was like, "Dude, why have you
not had sex with this girl?"

And he says, "You know what? I don't even
think I would even at this moment in time,

if I was given the opportunity."

I was like, "Why not?"
And this is what he said:

"Because I wouldn't wanna ruin
the friendship that we do have."

Dude, 40 minutes later,
I got off the ground, I stopped laughing.

I said, "Hey, yo,
you wanna have sex with her. OK?

You wanted to when you met
and you still want to now.

Why are you lying to you and me
in the same sentence?

Furthermore,
why are you still hanging around,

if she's not giving you
what you want?"

That's like going
to the supermarket,

and being like,
"Hey, do you have contact solution?"

And the store owner's like,
"No, we don't carry that."

You're like, "OK, I'll just hang around
for a little bit and see what's up."

Go to a different store,
they might have contact solution,

you mark-ass bitch! OK?

Let me break some shit down for you girls
while I'm talking about it.

Here's the deal. If a guy's hanging out
with you, he wants to sleep with you.

That's it. Period.
That's what he wants.

I'm sorry, but also,
I'm not that sorry. OK?

That's what he wants.
That's what it is.

Any guy you ever hung out with,
that's what he wanted.

Right now,
there's a girl out there like,

"Well, yeah, but my one friend--"
Eh! Him too. OK?

- [audience laughs]
- Him too. Him too.

Right?
That's what we wanted.

That's what we want
if we're hanging out with you. OK?

You know what? Right now,
some of you girls are looking at the dudes

you came with and you're like,
"Wait a minute, really?"

[audience laughs]

And some of you dudes
are looking back like, "Oh! No, no, no."

You're lying. You're a liar.

I wish I was out there right now
and you were looking at me

and the fucking comedian's saying
what I was saying right now.

- I'd already be looking at you like this.
- [audience laughs]

Because I'm not sorry and there's
no reason to apologize.

That's what it is, man.
It's OK.

You know what?
How about this.

Dudes want to sleep with all the girls.
All of them.

All of them. That's what it is.
All of them.

All of them! All of them!

You know what? More than all of them.
I'm making up a girl in my head,

- she doesn't exist. I wanna fuck her.
- [audience laughs]

All of them. All of them.

Nine out of nine.
All of them.

You, you, you... eh... you.

[audience laughs]

All of them.

You know when they want to do it?
All of the time.

All of the girls, all of the time.

Not some of the girls, all of the time.
Not all of the girls, some of the time.

All the girls, all of the time.
That is a lot of girls and times.

OK?

Now, the problem is, girls...

they don't wanna have sex
with all the dudes all the time.

Oh, fuck.

But girls don't wanna have sex
with some of the dudes all the time.

Girls don't even wanna have sex
with some of the dudes, some of the time.

Girls wanna have sex with like one
or two dudes... eh, sometimes.

That's a huge problem in this world. OK?
It's half men and half women out there.

The math doesn't add up.

That's why a lot of dudes hang
out at supermarkets, like,

"Hopefully, you'll have
contact solution one day."

[audience laughs]

You know...

I used to get upset about it, you know?
Like, in my coming of age years.

That girls don't wanna have sex
with as many dudes

as dudes wanna have sex with girls.

But I put it into perspective.
I grew up a little bit.

And now, I totally feel you girls.
I get it and I'm on your side

and I understand.

Because, this is the truth.

- You let dudes inside of you.
- [man] Whoo!

That's fucking insane, man.

I would never let a dude
inside of me, ever. Like...

I know dudes. They're not getting
in this prize. Know what I mean, like...

I don't... I don't even want dudes
inside my apartment, to be honest, like...

But that's what it's like being a girl.

There's always random dudes
trying to break into your apartment.

Only your apartment
is in between your legs.

No wonder why dudes think--

No wonder why dudes think girls are crazy.
No shit, fellas.

If I was a girl, I'd be more crazy
than the most crazy girl,

for that reason alone.
I would always be on guard.

Just like, "No!

No! No! No!

No! Back up, back the fuck up. No!
I see you in the bushes.

Go home! No! Shoo! Skedaddle!

Get out of here! Scram!

I hear that. Who's there?"

I feel like that's why God put your vagina
in this area,

'cause when in doubt,
you could just sit on it.

[cheering, clapping]

But dudes are still creepy, right?

They'll just wait that shit out.

[audience laughing]

"She's gotta eat sometime, right?

Put a quesadilla down.
Girls love quesadillas.

When have you never wanted a quesadilla?
You know what I mean?

Even if you just ate... and somebody's
like, 'You want a quesadilla?',

you'd be like,
'Yeah. I mean, OK.'"

All the girls, all the time.

But the problem is girls,
they don't really wanna have sex.

And I know when I say that,
a lot of you girls are like,

"Hey, wait a minute, buster.
That's not true.

Girls wanna have sex
just as much as guys!"

You think that, but that's so wrong.

It's so wrong. And I'm sure there's girls
out there that disagree with me right now.

- Right? Where are you? That's a lot.
- [women cheering]

That's a lot. That's a lot. OK?
All right. OK, you.

Here's-- I'll prove you wrong.
How about you? There.

- Who yelled, right there.
- [woman] Hi!

Right, OK.
Whatever. You.

I'll prove you wrong.
How about this?

Why don't you fuck that guy.

[laughing, clapping]

Yo, you-- Listen.
You won't do it.

But when I pointed to him,
he goes like, "Which one?"

[audience laughs, cheers]

It's OK. It's OK that
you don't like sex as much as us.

But they like to wear it like, sometimes--
A lot of girls too, like you,

will be vocal about it.
You'll be on a date with a girl,

she'll be like,
she wants to prove that she's down.

She's just like, "Oh, my God!
I'm like a really sexual person.

Like, I really am.
You'd be surprised. I love sex.

I'm, like, so sexual!"

Then the dude will be like,
"All right, well then let's do it."

And then you'll be like,
"No, but wait."

[audience laughs]

"We can't just do it.

I have literally been
running around all day."

[audience laughs, cheers]

"We can't just do it.

I need to feel
comfortable with you first.

We need to do a bunch of other things
before we do that."

Why?

What kind of sense does that make?
Hey, check this out.

If I want a bagel, guess what?
I go get a bagel. OK?

- I don't go skiing and then get a bagel.
- [audience laughs]

I want a bagel. Fuck skiing.
There's no bagels out there. OK?

But girls, that's how your minds work
sometimes, right?

You're just like,
"But no, sometimes you need to go skiing."

[audience laughs]

"If you don't go skiing
every now and then,

you'll never learn how
to appreciate the bagel.

You can't just be eating bagels
whenever you so choose."

Yeah, you can!

- "Stop it."
- [audience laughs]

"Hey-yah! Stop it.

You need to take me--
Treat me like a human being.

Don't treat me like a piece of meat!

Come on, let's go do something.
Come on!

Let's go out. Let's have fun."

That's when every dude,
in our head, we're all like this:

"Oh, fuck!"

[audience laughs]

"All right,
where do you wanna go?"

"I don't know. What do you like?"

[audience cheering]

"I like fucking!"

"Stop it.

You need to, come on,
take me somewhere. Let's go do something.

Let's get to know each other.

Come on, let's go. Let's go out.
Take me out on a date.

Let's go to a restaurant."

And we'll do it. We'll take you somewhere.
That's why a lot of us are here right now.

"Take me to a restaurant."
We'll do it.

But we do not want to.
We are pretending.

And we're doing it for you.

We're sitting there,
"No way!

[munching loudly]
Yum! Whoa!

Your friend said what?
Get out of here!"

[laughs loudly]

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

"You ready for some dick stuff?"

[audience laughing, cheering]

"No, stop it.

I'm not a slut. I don't just sleep around
after the first date. OK?

You need to take me
someplace else next time.

Take me someplace like--
Take me to the movies."

"Oh, fuck!"

Now we're at the theater. "Two tickets,
so I can get some pussy, please."

We think that
that's how it works.

"Excuse me,
that's not how it works."

"All right, how many tickets
do I need to buy?

The rest of them?
Do all of the tickets equal pussy?"

"No, stop it."

Now we're at the theater pretending like
we give a shit what movie we're watching.

We don't care.
We're doing that for you too.

"No way! Look at everything
that's happening for two and a half hours

that has nothing
to do with me fucking you!

Whoa! [laughs]

Hey, how about that dick stuff?"

"No. Not yet.

Come on,
take me someplace else next time.

Take me somewhere that we haven't been
to yet, like, take me to a museum."

What the-- Am I trying to get laid
or is this a scavenger hunt?

Like, what kind of crafty, evil genius
shit is this these girls have hatched?

Dating is some crafty evil genius shit,
for a girl to be like,

"So you'd like to gain access
to this vagina, would you?"

- [audience laughs]
- [women cheering]

"You'd like to gain the entry codes
to this pussy, would you not?

Well, in that case,
you have to carry out three minor tasks.

The first task being you have to take me
to a restaurant that I want to go to,

but you have to choose it!"

[audience laughs]

[cheering]

"The second task being,
you have to take me to a movie,

but you have to guess
which one I want to see!

It's going to be very difficult, for real.

And the third and final task,
about the museum.

You see, I don't even like museums.
I just know that you don't either."

And then after all that,
you'll have sex with us.

But then we don't want to because
we've been running around all day.

I guess... what I'm trying to say is...

you know...

Like, the moral of my set,
or whatever,

you know how,
like, I don't know, like the mess--

You know how some good comedians
will have like messages in their comedy,

- or whatever. I don't. But...
- [audience laughs]

If I was going to,
I guess mine would be...

be careful who you
talk to online, you know?

'Cause people are really rude online.
You know?

Like, I'll post a video and then right
away, somebody will comment under it

something like,
"Fuck you, you're ugly" or some shit.

OK? But I always write back,
'cause I have a lot of time. OK?

But the problem is you never know
who you're dealing with online. Right?

Like, it could be anybody hiding
behind their profile or their computer.

You get yourself into
a lot of trouble that way.

So be careful. All right?

This happened the other day.
All right?

I was-- I posted a video.
And then right away,

somebody commented under my video,
and they wrote,

"Hey, Chris D'Elia,
you're not fucking funny at all."

I was like, "Oh, shit. All right.
I got this shit. OK?"

So I immediately wrote back
under his comment,

and I tagged him, so he got it
in his notification center.

And this is what I wrote.

I'm not proud of it,
but I definitely wrote this.

I wrote, "Hey, bro,
I'll fuck your whole family." OK?

[cheering]

Whatever. I mean, I'm not sorry,
he deserved it. OK?

But then right away,
this dude was waiting.

And under my comment,
he wrote another one

and tagged me so I got it,
and this is what he wrote:

"Whatever, Chris 'Unfunny' D'Elia."

I was like, "Oh, damn,
this dude hit my hot button. OK."

So, I took a different approach
and under his last comment,

I wrote another comment,
tagged him, so he got it,

and I just shrugged it off.
I wrote: " You know what?

That's not even a good comeback.
Try again, you fucking dick-rider."

That's what I wrote. OK?

Then, this dude
commented under my comment,

and this is what he wrote:

"I'm seven."

[audience laughs]

Delete, delete, delete, delete.

I was like, good thing I told him
I'd fuck his whole family

and left him out of the equation.

I had no idea this was a
seven-year-old kid I was dealing with.

That's my whole point!
Sure enough, I checked his profile,

it was some seven-year-old kid
posting seven-year-old kid videos,

just dancing around. Mm!

Eating cereal and shit.

So under his most recent video
I commented, "Fuck you, you're ugly."

Thank you very much, you guys.
Thank you.

- [cheering]
- [upbeat music plays]