All language subtitles for sex and the city s04e10b

There are a million reasons
to celebrate in New York City.

Steve no longer having testicular cancer
was just one of them.

I only have one ball left.

I don't care who wins,
it's me and you after this, buddy.

Great.

It all comes down
to just one little ball.

Who wants a beer?

-Hey.
-Oh.

Samantha?

One ball?

One ball?

I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.
Was he upset?

Embarrassed, I think.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
He's still got one.

Miranda, they come in a set,
like earrings.

Oh, he's doing great. If it were me,
I'd be sitting at home all depressed.

Explain that to me.

Tell me why you'd be depressed
if you were perfectly healthy

but had to go through life
without balls.

-Well--
-I was talking to Aidan.

Well, maybe it's bullshit, but I might
feel like less of a man or something.

A couple of hanging glands

has nothing to do with
making somebody a man.

She's right. I once went out with
this guy, the biggest balls I've seen,

complete pussy.

-How big?
-Huge.

I could barely fit one in my mouth.

Welcome to my world.

The irony is that I don't think
women care that much about balls.

I know I don't. Do you, Carrie?

Except for yours, darling.
I'm very into yours.

I have never met a man
who wasn't into his balls.

"Oh, yeah, baby, that's it.

Grab my big balls,
lick them, pull them."

-You pull the balls?
-Mmm-hmm.

-They like it.
-Oh.

I went out with this guy--

-I'm sure you did.
-Wait, will you please let her finish.

She's done.

Now, I'm thinking balls are to men
what purses are to women.

It's just a little bag, but we'd feel
naked in public without it.

Samantha Jones.

-Hey, how are you?
-I'm great.

Everyone, this is, um...

-Allan. Allan Jannie.
-Allan Jannie, right, we...

-Fucked.
-Fucked, right.

I knew I knew you.

How the hell are you?

Not bad. Just designed
the new Richard Wright hotel.

I've been trying to get a meeting
with him for months. Who's doing his PR?

I think he's talking to Brad Rosen.

Oh, he's a hack.

-Get me a meeting?
-I'll do what I can.

-Good seeing you...
-Allan.

I know.

And up on Park Avenue,
a different reason for celebrating.

So I told him,
when I hire a contractor to do a job,

I expect him to finish on time.

Good, honey. Good.

You know, sometimes they just
need to hear it from a man.

A little more mu shu, my mu sh...

So I saw my doctor today

and I told her how frustrated we were
that we weren't pregnant yet.

Mmm-hmm. Wonton?

And she said that
the easiest thing to do

would be to test your sperm.

Charlotte, I'm eating.

Is it too much to ask to have my mu shu
without a side of sperm?

Why are you getting so mad?
We're just talking.

Hell's bells,
it's only been three months.

And why would you just leap to
the conclusion that the problem is me?

I'm not leaping to anything.

It's just easier to test the man first.
Less invasive.

I'm sure your sperm is fine.

No, it's better than fine,
it's fantastic.

This little subject matter
has put me right off my dinner.

-Excuse me.
-Trey.

-Honey?
-Not now.

-Do men?
-Do men, what?

Like them pulled?

How would I know?

Do you?

-Do I what?
-Like them pulled?

How do I know?

Why don't we give a little tug and see?

-You wanna give a little tug?
-Mmm-hmm.

You're gonna do it too hard.

-No, I won't.
-All right.

You were saved by the bell.

Bradshaw House of Pain,
how can we hurt you?

-Hello?
-Oh, hey. Hey, man, it's me.

Sorry to be calling you this late.
Is Carrie there?

Yeah, just a sec.

Who is it?

-Hello?
-It's me. I need to talk to you.

Oh, it's really not a good time.
We're about to go to bed.

It's important. Willow is totally
fucking with my head, please.

All right.

He's having girlfriend problems.
I'm gonna be just a minute.

Apparently, dating a movie star

makes you as crazy
as dating anyone else.

What's the problem?

[sighs] She's in town,
she's at the Mercer.

We were supposed to
get together tonight.

She hasn't gotten back to me.

Well, did you call her?

Yes, I called her.
I called all five of her numbers.

She never answers.

See, here's the thing, see.

She can reach me,
but I can't ever get her.

-Maybe she never got your--
-No, you don't get it.

She can reach me,

but I can't get her, ever.

How fucked up is that?

I don't know. Very?

I thought everything was going great.

It was, I mean, I flew out to LA
to take her to that MTV Award thing.

I'd better start feeling
sorry for you soon.

Then she totally dissed me.

I was following her around
like a goddamn dog.

I'm just gonna be
one more minute.

Listen to this message she left me.

Ugh. I gotta go to bed.

No, wait, listen. Listen to this.

Gonna miss you.

I can't wait until I'm in New York,
in your arms. [chuckles]

I'm in a New York state of mind

"A New York state of mind"?

-It's Billy Joel. We love that song.
-Good night.

-Should I call her again?
-No. Good night.

I'm sorry.

So, you still want me
to give them a little pull?

Nah. Why'd you take the phone in there?

'Cause I know you don't like him
calling here, so...

Carrie, you tell me nothing's going on,

then nothing's going on.

You don't gotta run in a closet.

Well, I didn't run.

And I went in there 'cause I know
how uncomfortable it makes you.

How uncomfortable it makes me or you?

Me, yes, I'm uncomfortable.

I don't want you to feel threatened.

You think I'm threatened by him?

No, not threatened.

I could take him.

-Who said anything about taking him?
-I'm just saying.

It's like the time Batman
and the Green Hornet got in a fight.

Everybody expected Batman to win,

'cause he's got the gadgets
and the cape and shit.

But the Green Hornet had the moves.

See, I'm the Green Hornet,
I got the moves.

Plus I got Pete, and he's like Kato.

Aren't you, boy? Hey, Petey.

-Come here, boy, come here.

Who's your buddy?

He's gonna get him. He's got him!

What do superheroes have to do with it?

I have no idea.

It's a guy thing. All I know is that
in order to deal with Big,

he had to turn himself
into the Green Lantern.

-Hornet.
-I don't care if he's the Green Bee.

I just wish there was a way for Aidan

to really understand
that he has nothing to worry about.

Maybe I should try to get
Big and him and me together.

Did you have a plate of crazy for lunch?

We could all talk.

And Aidan could see
once and for all that I love him,

and Big and I are just friends.

-Carrie, I don't know.
-Seriously.

Keeping my relationship with Big
in the closet only makes things worse.

These are guys.
They don't talk, they fight.

They can't help it, it's all that
crazy testosterone. God bless it.

We're having Trey's sperm tested.

Is it not doing well in school?

We were discussing it over dinner
last night and he just blew up.

One minute he was perfectly happy,
the next minute, furious.

That time of the month?

It's a side of Trey I've never seen.

It's about the sperm.

What is it with that area?
It's like a minefield.

I spent the afternoon
thinking about my friends.

Body image depression,
unpredictable mood swings,

late-night phone calls
obsessing about a relationship.

Did I mention these are my male friends?

So, maybe men and women
aren't from different planets

as pop culture would have us believe.

Maybe we live
a lot closer to each other.

Perhaps, dare I even say it,
in the same zip code.

In view of current circumstances,

I couldn't help but wonder,
are men just women with balls?

- Look at that.
- Look at what?

-That dog's sack.
-No, thank you.

Did you know you can't enter a dog
in a dog show if he's only got one ball?

Where'd you hear that?

Around.

They even make fake dog balls.

They make them for humans too.

-I'm thinking about getting one.
-No. Steve, no. Why would you do that?

Why not?
Women get breast implants all the time.

Steve, trust me, I've been to the area.

And I swear to God,
I wouldn't know if you had one or four.

But I know.

Every time I look down at my nuts...

Correction: "nut."

I look all lopsided.

Women don't care.

We care about

nice arms, great eyes, big dick.

I have never once heard a woman say,
"He had such a big, full scrotum."

I made an appointment,
I'm talking to the doctor.

Will you go with me?

Where, testicle shopping?

Samantha finally
got her meeting

with hotel magnate Richard Wright.

Smart, tough, a real ballbuster.

Well, I've enjoyed meeting you,
but truth be told, Ms. Jones

-your résumé's all fluff.
-Fluff?

It's just parties and social events.

What is it that you do in your hotels?

Nuclear fission?

I admit, I'm intrigued.

If I wasn't,

you would've been down in the lobby
having a cappuccino ten minutes ago.

Here's an idea.

I'm talking to Brad Rosen.

Maybe you two can get together
and share the work.

Five hotels, it's a big job.

I know it's a big job.

That's why I'm still here and not
down in the lobby having a cappuccino.

I appreciate your offer,

but I don't need a partner.

Read between the lines, Ms. Jones.

I deal with a lot of business-men.

What are you saying?

That business-men
would be more comfortable

dealing with a woman
if she were working next to a man?

You have a lot to offer.

You might want to consider
working with a partner who isn't so...

emotional.

"Emotional" is just code for
"I don't wanna hire a woman."

Exactly. They're that way
at my firm too.

They think you're gonna cry
over a legal brief.

Well, have you ever cried over a brief?

Certainly, but only in the privacy
of my own office.

I cried once at the gallery,
once in ten years.

And from that day on it was,
"Careful, don't make Charlotte cry."

I have never cried at work.

I fake cried to my editor
when I missed a deadline.

I told him
I was having a bad time at home,

but really I was having a good time
in the Hamptons.

That makes the rest of us look bad.

Oh, boo-hoo,
it was 80 degrees and sunny.

A guy gets angry in a meeting,
he's a pistol. A woman's emotional.

If I'd say anything, like,
"I don't think that's hung high enough"

they say, "Ooh, careful,
don't make Charlotte cry."

What does he think I'm going to do?
Get my period and ruin his empire?

Yes, men...

-Wait, let me rephrase that, some men--
- Good move, Counsel.

That will look much better
on the court transcripts of this dinner.

Some men are threatened
by strong businesswomen.

And they have to find a way
to make her be just a woman again.

Hence, "You're too emotional."

"Hence," yet.

I'm going back in there, guns blazing,
cool, calm, collected.

I'm going to impress
that arrogant motherfucker so much,

he's gonna beg me to take the job.

Just don't cry. Once. Once in ten years.

Well, this chicky's gotta run,
or I'm gonna miss my ride with Aidan

and then I'm gonna have to take
mass transit to the country.

Then there'll be some tears.

The next day, while Aidan was
tearing down the old shed,

I was tearing through the new In Style
with Big's big movie star on the cover.

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

What's the matter? You sound terrible.

I hope you don't mind my calling.
I got the number off your machine.

Where's area code 845?

Upstate, we're in the country.

On a Thursday?

We're taking a long weekend.
What's wrong?

Tsk!

She broke it off.

She said
she never wants to see me again.

Oh.

-I'm so sorry.
-I don't even know what I did.

She won't return my calls.

See, she can reach me

but I can't get her.

You mentioned that.

Well...

She's crazy, I'm telling you.
She has the eyes of a crazy person.

Man, I was such a chump.

I really put myself out there

and she drop-kicked me
right in the fucking heart.

When are you coming back
to the city?

-Monday.
-Not till Monday?

Fuck.

Well...

I would...

I'd invite you out here,
but it's just so far away.

How far?

It's 40 minutes, you know,
if there's no traffic,

but with the weekenders and everything,
I don't know, an hour, maybe even two.

-It's Thursday afternoon.
-Yeah, don't you have to work?

I have to see you.
I'll get my Jag out of the garage.

Maybe the drive will do me good.

-Uh-huh.
-I'll come up for an hour, we'll talk,

and then I'll head home.

-Uh-huh.
-How do I get there? Let me get a pen.

Hey, darling.

We gotta close these windows up.
It's gonna rain.

-Did I hear the phone ring?
-Uh-huh.

Who was it?

It was Batman.

I invited him up.

I didn't mean to.

I just got trapped.

That crazy movie star lady
broke up with him,

he's devastated,
he has no one else to talk to.

Before I knew it, I was telling him
to make a right at the sign

for Farm Fresh Summer Squash.

-I don't want him in my house.
-I totally understand.

Look, he's gonna come up here
and we're gonna have a quick talk,

and then he's gonna go right back
to the city where he belongs.

Fuck.

Hey.

You're my man.

-And I love you.

He's just a friend in pain.

I would never do this,
but he's really hurting.

Come on, haven't you ever
had a girl break your...

Well, he better be fucking upset
when he gets here.

There better be tears.

Thank you.

Let's go, Pete.

He's got some balls coming up here.

The prosthesis approximates

the weight, shape, and feel
of a normal testicle. Squeeze it.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I dropped the ball.

Now, it comes in four sizes.
Extra small, small, medium, and large.

I'd be a...

Jeez. Um...

Miranda, what would I be?

Um...

Medium?

Yeah? I was thinking large.

Well, I'm really not an expert.

Large, then.

Medium.

-Really?
-A large-medium, Steve.

Now, to get this model,

you have to enroll in a clinical trial
for market clearance.

-Excuse me?
-It's not approved yet.

It's still being tested for safety.

No, Steve.

-No.
-I assure you, it's perfectly safe.

He says it's perfectly safe.

That's what they said
about the Ford Pinto.

Think about it, Steve.
You want a Pinto near your penis?

And in a different
urologist's office,

-at the exact same time...

Hi.

Is everything okay?
The nurse said you wanted to see me.

I'm afraid our old problem
has reared its ugly head.

I can't seem to rise to the occasion.

Well, let's not assume
it's the same problem.

Here, I bought you this.

-Juggs?
-I know how much you like them.

You knew I'd have a problem.

No, I just came prepared.

Look.

She's got big boobs.

Look, so does she.

It's the Big Boob Bonanza issue.

-It's not that, it's...
-What, honey?

I'm afraid to.

I don't think I can handle
another problem in that area.

Don't you worry, Trey MacDougal.

I'm sure that you have
very strong Scottish sperm.

And if you don't,

we can just spin them,

and whip them up,

and do whatever it is
you sexy doctor types do.

Mmm. That's good.

-Yeah?
-Mmm-hmm.

-Yeah, keep doing that.
-Mmm-hmm.

-Do that thing I like.
-Which thing?

-You know, you give a little tug.
-Ah.

Turned out,
Trey's Scottish sperm was fine.

No, better than fine. Fantastic.

Where's the cup?

Well, I have to admit,
you're the best person for the job.

But I'm not gonna hire you.

Give me one legitimate reason why not.

-Do I have to say it?
-Yes.

I'd like to hear the words
come out of your mouth.

Okay, you slept with my architect.

Turns out,
Samantha was wrong, men do talk.

And I don't wanna get into all that.

Into all what?

It happened 100 years ago.
I barely know the guy.

And how does my personal life
affect your business?

I think the more accurate question
would be,

how does your personal life
affect your business?

It's too bad.

Other than that, you had the job.

You know what?

If I was a guy,
you would've shaken my hand,

bought me a scotch,
and given me a key to an office.

It's amazing.

A man with such innovative vision
can be so shortsighted.

Ms. Jones, wait.

[Carrie] But Samantha couldn't wait.

She could feel the tears
building up inside her.

-Come on, come on.
- Wait, not so fast.

-Close.
- Ms. Jones.

The next day,
Richard Wright hired Samantha.

He told her he admired her balls.

When Big still hadn't arrived
two hours later,

I was secretly praying he had missed
the sign for Farm Fresh Summer Squash.

Then there it was, the Batmobile.

Maybe he doesn't wanna come in
and meet your dad.

But I'm taking a Greyhound

On the Hudson River Line

I'm in a New York state of mind

-What are you doing just sitting here?
-Waiting for you.

Why didn't you come in?

I don't wanna go in.

-Let's go have a drink or something.
-Wanna get a drink, where?

At a Ye Old Country lemonade stand?

-Under the evergreens

Why are you listening to that?

But I know what I'm needing

And I don't want to waste more time...

Come on, turn off the car
and come inside. We'll talk, all right?

I'm in a New York state of mind

-Is he in there?
-Yes.

I can't talk about this in front of him.

Yes, you can, and you better.

So come on, let's go.

Come on.

Oh, shit.

An hour
and two bottles of red wine later,

Big started talking.

Unfortunately, it was mostly to himself.

"Her luminous skin,

a product of vegan diet discipline."

Vegan diet, bullshit.

-All right. Give me the magazine.
-No, wait, listen to this one.

"I'm looking for that someone special."

She's not looking for anybody. Bullshit.

-Any more wine?
-Nope.

"Let's go have a drink
and a smoke sometime."

-You can't smoke in the house.
-Huh?

Can't smoke in the house.

That's cool.

Guess I better head back.

Thanks.

Oh, Jesus.

Look at him, he can't drive.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?
You can't drive.

-Call my driver.
-We're an hour outside New York.

I'm in a New York state of mind

Seen all the movie stars

You're gonna have to sleep on the couch.

I better not.

He doesn't want me here.

You can't drive. Sleep on the couch.

That's cool.

After the ball plan backfired,

Miranda took Steve out to dinner
to lift his spirits.

Here's the book I was telling you about.

-A Positive Outlook to Healing.

-Steve, I'm starting to hit my limit.
-I know. Um...

I just...

I was just really
counting on that fake ball.

It's just, every time I look down there,
I feel...

What?

This may be hard for you to understand.

Um...

But who's gonna fuck
a uni-ball bartender?

Miranda realized the one thing
she could do to help Steve

didn't involve books or balls.

What's that pounding?

Aidan's shooting hoops.

Isn't it a little early?

You have to go out there
and make friends with him.

What are you talking about?

We're middle-aged men.
We don't make friends.

-We have nothing in common.
-You have me in common.

And if you and Aidan
don't become at least a little friendly,

I'm not gonna be able
to stay in your life.

Well, how do I do this?

You're a guy, he's a guy,
there's a ball.

Figure it out.

Hey, man.

I'm sorry about last night.
I guess I got a little drunk.

I didn't mean to come up
and ruin your weekend or anything.

You play hoop, huh?

Here, why don't you give me a shot?
I play a little.

A little muddy.
I guess all that rain, huh?

-Watch it, man. That was a little hard.
-That wasn't that hard.

There they were.
Batman and the Green Bee.

Hey!

Stop. Hey, stop it.

Stop it! You're middle-aged!

-That dog just bit my ass.
-Pete.

And just like that,
Kato stopped the fight.

And the thing is, see...

she could reach me,

but I could never get her.

Day or night, whenever,

she could reach me,

I couldn't get her. See?

-That's fucked up.
-Yeah, yeah.

Somehow, the storm had passed,
and I never fully understood why.

Okay, maybe men and women
don't live in the same zip code,

but we're moving closer.

-Good eggs.
-Mmm.