All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E19.WEB.h264-TBS[eztv]

Today feels like a special day. The sun
is out, so I won't lose a toe to

hypothermia, and I'm feeling less
activity from my bodily parasite.

Sitting there like a couple of lumps.
It's a thing to watch TV on such a nice

day. It's Fox Carbengie.

A fake TV hobo? You should be out in the
fresh air playing with real hobos.

Dodgers are on.

Dad, you should be out in the fresh air
playing real baseball. Funny you bring

that up. When I played high school ball,
there were a few scouts sniffing

around. Oh, Dad's talking about the past
again.

Figured I would clear the room.

I remember the first time I tried that
particular trick on the kids. I'm out of

here.

Just me and Don Sutton.

Give it back!

I found a heretic in our midst. What?

A Giants fan?

William has been studying this fake
religion based on those dumb science

books he reads. I'm always reading.

I'd hope that was just a faith.

It's a science -based thought system.
Much of it just as feasible as the stuff

they teach in church.

Magoriology? By J.

Eldon Gutierrez. They were handing those
out in front of the vegetarian

restaurant. That's where I'd go to look
for suckers. Much of folks willing to

spend two bucks on a bowl of grass soup.

It's a philosophy the Magorian people
have used to bring a trillion years of

peace to their quadrant.

Wouldn't mind a little peace in my
quadrant right now.

Give him his book back, Frank. Thank
you.

It's a slippery slope, Dad. First
McGoriology, then he'll be hanging out

Lutherans. Friends.

Now that Frank is out of the room, I
don't mind saying I agree with him. I

like my kids looking outside the
Catholic church. That's why we have all

stained glass, so you can't see out.
William's just got a naturally curious

mind. The other day he was asking me
about Buddhism.

And you told him? Yeah, it's been around
for a while, Mom.

It's out there. Oh, it's out there, all
right. Big fat guy stuffing his wisdom

into fortune cookies?

I think that's Confucianism. You're damn
right it's confusing.

These new religions.

Buddhism's actually older than
Catholicism. Yeah, well, I'm just

it, and I don't like it. Well, I think
it's healthy that William's questioning

his beliefs. Well, you questioned your
beliefs right out of a cushy priest job.

Our religion has a lot of beautiful,
profound ideas that only work if you

look at them too closely.

Yeah, church isn't set up for brainiacs
wringing their hands, trying to pick

things apart.

That's what synagogues are for.

If you think your faith won't stand up
to scrutiny, why is it so important for

your kids to follow it? Because it's
right. Other religions feel the same

Well, they're wrong. If you force
William to believe what you believe, you

just drive him away from it.

Maybe he's right. Maybe we should back
off, William, and see how this plays

That's the trouble with smart kids.

They're awful.

The dumb ones are awful, too, but at
least you can follow them around. Eddie,

pick up your feet when you walk.

Where have you guys been? We got up at
three in the morning to get in line for

Zeppelin tickets.

Ooh, it's time for the air show again?

I'm not surprised Blimp Day's become a
hot ticket.

They are the gentle giants of the sky.

They're talking about the band.

Zeppelin's a band now?

Your generation ruins everything.

Hermits, stones, beetles.

Words used to mean something.

Well, we didn't get the tickets because
someone fell asleep on their shift. The

guy promised he'd wake me up when the
Ticketron opened. You mean the guy in

behind us who accused us of cutting in
front of him? Yeah, Doug.

I am never speaking to Doug again.
You're never seeing him again. How about

the concert? Doug will be there, but we
won't. Because of you!

Because of Doug. If we had to depend on
you two and the war, we'd all be

speaking German right now. That would be
really helpful.

I cannot get through my foreign language
requirement.

I'm surprised you're giving up so easy.
You always seem to have a connection for

concert tickets and fireworks.

And a koala that one time.

Oh, Pat's best birthday yet?

Yeah. I got mouthy and ray -ray beat in
the streets, but so far all they could

score me was ice capades.

But I might be able to set you up for
that air show, Dad. I'll take two for

blimp day.

And some more of those hot dog vouchers.

Is this tie too flashy for mass hunt?

Didn't realize I was married to
Liberace.

Wear the brown one.

There you are. Last place I checked.

Why aren't you wearing pants?

They wouldn't fit over my shoes, but
that's not why I'm here.

Don't feel bad, pal.

I blew it with my tie.

William says he's not going to church
today.

Nonsense. You tell him he's going.

Then put your pants on. I mean, I can
try again, but... Take your shoes off

first. Oh!

So now William doesn't want to go to
church at all. Well, I guess we clamp

before his doubts about religion affect
the other kids. We want them catching

on. You mean we don't want the others
doubting it?

Sure. Well, his problem is he...

Sits in math thinking about stuff.

We need to find him a distraction.

Like when the baby and Eddie get fussy,
I give him my keys to play with. And Pat

likes how the pew vibrates under his
butt when the organ plays a low note.

What on God's green earth? Sounds like
you're playing Hell's National Anthem.

I'm just practicing scales on my
theremin. I was hoping to skip math

learn the theme from Star Trek. I know
how into music you are.

Father Abdi says you're a once -in -a
-generation musical talent. Would you

knock that off?

Wait, you were talking to Father Abdi
about me?

Just the other day, when I was teaching
him how Americans use stairs, he asked

about you getting involved with the
boys' choir.

Our choir?

Oh, do you know why our church calls it
a choir?

Because when they sing, it's so terrible
you cry.

Sure, Timmy made a bad joke, but even in
the worst comedy, there's a germ of

truth. Our choir sings.

That's all I wanted to communicate.

I think ye.

Look. That's why Father Abdi needs you.
He was hoping you'd listen during math

today and give suggestions.

And they'll take them seriously?

That's what the Catholic Church is known
for.

Always welcoming new ideas.

Holy God, we pray.

Temple, temple.

Come on, people.

Lord of all, we bow before thee.

It's terrible.

It's just appalling.

Cut him some slack. Their voices are
changing. Not changing enough.

Oh!

Ooh,

that music was my bad.

I welcome you in Christ.

Coming down the tracks of this Super
Tuesday, a double shot of Grand... Fuck

railroad. What's your finger doing
besides putting undue stress on the

mechanism? KYWW has tickets to Led
Zeppelin. You call in to win. But you

say, KYWW plays all the hits.

Now that I understand it, I care even
less.

Hang up. I like to keep that line open.

Dad, come on. You never get calls. I
work in the defense industry, so I must

reachable at all times in case of a
national emergency.

What did I tell you?

Am I clear?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Well, that's intriguing.

You've confirmed those figures with the
colonel? And everybody up at HQ?

Okay.

I'll be there.

Peggy! Kentucky Fried Chicken has a meal
deal!

A bucket, fixings, plus free slaw!

Clowns almost made me miss that.

Honey, I told you. Tonight we are dining
with the colonel. We need a fresh

vegetable, so I'm opening a can of
beans.

Well, this just about pairs it. I'm 55.

Oh, Frank, stop talking like an elderly
person. William staged a power grab at

choir practice, came in throwing
suggestions at Sister Euphemia, who

like an Irish setter.

Sounds like you got William back in the
fold.

Yeah, but I didn't realize it would
upset Frank.

That's just gravy.

Savory country gravy.

Time to pick up the chicken.

Hey, I hear you're whipping the choir
into shape.

Good job.

I hear Frank isn't too happy about it.
He's mad because he thinks his voice is

tenor. I would rank it more of a four
and a half -er.

Yes, it's a bad joke, but it doesn't
diminish the importance of the message.

Frank thinks.

You can't kick him out. They already
spent good money on that special road

makes him look like he's got shoulders.

I told him he could stay.

If he just moves his lips, it's not
making any noise. If only I could get

do that around here.

It sounded really good tonight. In fact,
Father Obby stopped by and asked us to

sing on the Mass for Shut -In show this
Sunday. What do you know? Because of

church, you're going to sing on TV.

Acoustics in our house were a funny
thing.

Sometimes I couldn't hear my mother tell
me to pick up a dirty sock from two

feet away.

But other times... Did you hear that,
Jimmy?

William's going to sing on TV?

Holy...

William, your lovely voice has drawn
from me long, dormant feelings.

Passion, innocence untouched, but
longing.

So much longing.

I'm sorry, sister.

No, you were wonderful.

I think we have found our soloist.

Excuse me, sister.

I'd like to audition for the solo.

What are you doing here? Isn't it
obvious?

Timmy can never stand anybody getting
more attention than him. He'd climb up

that cross if he wasn't scared of
splinters.

Listen, Ruth, William's a doll, and he'd
be fine if this was just a church gig,

but on television, you're competing for
eyeballs.

There are, like, four channels now, so
you have got to pop out of that screen

and grab them.

Let me give you a little taste.

Billy, be flat.

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy.

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy. Yeah!

Holy, holy, holy.

Lord God Almighty, Almighty.

Early in the morning, my song shall rise
to thee, thee, thee, thee. Holy, holy,

holy.

Merciful and mighty.

God in three persons, the blessed
Trinity.

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy.

Lord God Almighty.

I'm proud of us in Trinity.

Who are you sending those postcards to?

Show business power player, Lou
Wasserman, Stanley Kubrick. Folks, I

catch myself on Sunday morning.

I'm going to be the first person in our
family on TV. Not true. Your cousin

Brenda used to pal around with those
Manson group.

She made it into all the courtroom
sketches.

Seems very unlikely to me that your
industry big shots are going to be

in a mass for shut -ins. You mean a guy
like Lou Wasserman running a big studio?

I doubt he has time to get to Mass.

You took a beautiful hymn and made it an
abomination.

Sounds like you might be jealous
somebody took your solo.

I care about honoring the music.

You don't add a whoopee cushion to
Mozart.

You do if you want to get butts in the
seat.

You've taken the one thing I like about
church and you made it about butt. My

mom's plan was starting to unravel.

She now worried William might stop
making music for the Catholic Church and

up making music at the airport with a
shaved head and a tambourine. You know.

Timmy, you're going to have plenty of
opportunities to be on TV.

Maybe you should let William have this
one.

Mom,

this isn't about me anymore, okay? I've
got to do this for the Shuttons. A lot

of them don't get any sunshine.

They need me to bring it to them.

Sorry I'm late. There's a dumb mattress
in the middle of the street. I'm going

out. I'm going to call it in. What size
is it? Eddie needs a new bed.

It's in the road, Peg.

Does that mean stains or just tire
tracks?

My father picks up a little overtime,
suddenly we're too fancy for a street

mattress.

Hello? Hello?

Who's on this line? Is that Eddie? Joey,
it's Dad.

What's going on?

Hey, Pop.

We finally got through to KYWW. We're on
hold right now at caller number six.

Where are you? How are you even on this
phone?

Okay, full disclosure.

I kind of sliced into our phone line and
ran an extension up to my office.

Turns out I'm pretty technological.

I must have gotten that from you.

You're about to get something else from
me.

Dad, don't mess this up. We've been
calling day and night trying to win

No! What do you know? It hit the ground
just like a lead zeppelin.

Hello, caller number six?

Who is this?

Don't hang up, Dad. Do not hang up. It's
Rockin' Rocky at KYWW Radio.

Good. You can get the word out regarding
a sig alert on Glen Oaks Avenue. It's a

mattress. Probably fell off a U -Haul.

Don't time down like they're supposed
to. You're killing me, old man. You're

killing me.

Dad, you've got to say the slogan.

Who am I speaking with? Michael Cleary,
the unfortunate father of two idiot sons

who... Oh, sounds like we've got a
grumpy dad.

Well, tell me, grumpy dad, are you ready
to have Zeppelin rock your world? That

seems extremely unlikely.

Just repeat our slogan and win the
prize.

KYWW plays all the hits. Say it.

KYWW plays all the hits. Please, please,
please.

So what...

I can't just say something I don't know
to be true in the public airways. It

might be perjury. We could lose the
house.

Grumpy Dad is the most.

I don't just give my endorsement without
believing in the product.

You're not endorsing the music. You're
just stating a fact. There is no way I'm

saying KYWW plays all the hits without
first knowing. He said it. You said it.

heard you, Dad. You just want two
tickets to Led Zeppelin.

Pick them up at Will Call.

See you at the concert, Grumpy Dad.

Don't forget about that mattress.

Seconds to Zeppelin!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I believe Grumpy Dad
won those tickets. Your mom and I used

go to a lot of concerts together.

You know, I recall one of our first
dates ever was with Vaughn Monroe and

band at the Twin Coaches outside of
Pittsburgh.

Dad's talking about the past again.

Oh, my God. This is the same stage where
they shoot the Boxcar Benji show.

Wonderful. Timmy and his natural habitat
among the priests of Hollyweird. Honey,

it's not polite to call these weirdos
priests.

where Benji always goes to sleep on off.

And right there is the window sill where
every week a lucky junior hobo tries to

steal the widow's pie.

Those of you appearing on camera need to
report for makeup.

I will not be wearing any makeup. I am
nobody's father.

I need a number three vase before I wash
out under the lights.

Okay, okay, let's go.

Why would you make me come just to watch
Timmy butcher my favorite hymn?

What if something happens to Timmy and
he can't think today?

Well, then you would be here to save the
day.

What's going to happen to Timmy? I don't
know yet.

But in the meantime, think about the
shut -in.

It brings them joy to see the shiny
faces of children. It does nothing for

but they don't get out much.

So, are you nervous, Timmy Kitty? This
is actually my first starring role on

It doesn't seem appropriate for you to
think of yourself as the star of this

mess.

I get it. This is your rodeo. You want
top billing. No, I simply meant that you

should... Father, they're ready for you.

Sunday mass for shut -ins coming up
next.

While Lawrence prepared to record my
historic TV appearance using the

of the day, Joey and Eddie were still
trying to get their hands on my dad's

Zeppelin ticket, demonstrating a
determination and ingenuity which would

made dad proud if they weren't also
ripping off.

Pretty good.

And now for the finishing touch.

You really think the guys at Wilco will
believe I'm dad?

Are you kidding? You look so much like
dad, you should be calling yourself an

idiot right now.

Timmy, show's about to start.

Nice try, pal.

Idiot.

Hey, hey, is there any chance that I
might see Benji around here today?

Well, you never know with this guy. Some
days he flies in from his private

island on his helicopter just to sit in
his dressing room and check out his

stock portfolio. He's got a helicopter?

Of course.

You don't think he's some pathetic
burnout who moonlights on the weekend

a pawn in his eight -time Emmys just to
keep up with three alimonies. That would

be sad.

Save your money, kid.

And do not marry women who are too
pretty for you.

Mom, he said that that boxcar Benji
might be in his dressing room right now.

What are you waiting for? Go.

It's almost time. I don't want them
starting without me. How could they?

the star of this mess.

Thank you. Now explain that to Father
Abdir.

is timmy the program's about to begin
i'm sorry sister timmy left i guess

william will have to sing his part timmy
left one of his brothers has taken

seriously oh will you be leaving too
timmy's got a cover places one minute

to air everyone take their cue from
william and all i ask from you my dear

is that you transfix us with your pure
angelic voice as you did the other day

right before your brother came in and
did it just a little better.

I won't let you down, sister.

More importantly, I won't let down the
music.

Since we're one vocalist short, instead
of just moving my lips, could I maybe...

No! We are on the air in five, four...
Somebody please open the door!

Hello! Welcome to the Mass for Shutters,
our weekly broadcast of the Catholic

liturgy. I welcome you in Christ's name
Let us begin with an opening hymn

after that for posterity.

If you want something done right.

Holy, holy, holy Lord God

Almighty Early in the

morning Mom's really nice when she lives
in the television.

Only thou

This is the worst thing to happen to
anyone ever.

In love and purity.

More fan mail for me.

Apparently I'm the reason Barry from
Culver City Renal Care found the

to soldier on.

Although he might just be buttering me
up for one of my kidneys.

Another one from prison.

Because he's a fan for life.

I can't believe I got locked out.

I still feel like William had something
to do with it. I did have motive and

opportunity.

Oh, here's one for you.

Really? One of your postcards came back.

Don't think the producers of the Waltons
actually live on Walton's Mountain.

Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Yes, and I said knock it off. You can
pick whatever godless cult you want to

when you turn 18, but for now, every
Sunday, you're in that pew gutting it

with the rest of us.

I realized what happened to me at the
show couldn't have just been an

God struck me mute, like the angel
Gabriel did to Zachariah in the Gospel

Luke. You know the story.

Sure, but refresh me.

Zachariah was punished for his lack of
faith, and maybe I was too. So I'm back

on board with Catholicism, mainly
because I'm scared to death of God.

Oh, sweetie.

You finally get it.

I got him.

Now the question is, what do I do with
him?

Give them Teddy and Joey, and then wait
two and a half hours to give us a ride

home?

I pushed it too far, didn't I?

All right, there you go. Oh, hang on.
These tickets are worth $7?

What do they do, come over after the
concert and paint your house? That's

face value.

Scalpers are getting 50 or 60 bucks.

50 or 60?

I can see these people being that dumb.
Dad, come on.

Remember that time you and your brother
skipped school to see Babe Ruth play

against the Pirates? Oh, Dad, I'll never
forget. The great Bambino hit his last

home run in the majors, and as he
rounded the bases, he ate 12 hot dogs

finished a case of beer.

Greatest athlete this country will ever
know.

Exactly. And Led Zeppelin is our Babe
Ruth.

So don't rob us of countless memories we
can bore our kids with.

Thanks, Dad. I'll meet you at our seats.
For some reason, I need a hot dog.

I got one here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What
are you doing?

Memories are great, but 60 bucks is 60
bucks.

You're abandoning your brother to pocket
some cash?

Okay, tell you what.

What if I use that cash to buy us both a
nice steak dinner at Siddler?

We got one here.

One. One here.

What's eating? Sexton D. 60 bucks.
Sexton D. We got one.

That deal all night.