Original subtitles

Today feels like a special day. The sun is out, so I won't lose a toe to

hypothermia, and I'm feeling less activity from my bodily parasite.

Sitting there like a couple of lumps. It's a thing to watch TV on such a nice

day. It's Fox Carbengie.

A fake TV hobo? You should be out in the fresh air playing with real hobos.

Dodgers are on.

Dad, you should be out in the fresh air playing real baseball. Funny you bring

that up. When I played high school ball, there were a few scouts sniffing

around. Oh, Dad's talking about the past again.

Figured I would clear the room.

I remember the first time I tried that particular trick on the kids. I'm out of

here.

Just me and Don Sutton.

Give it back!

I found a heretic in our midst. What?

A Giants fan?

William has been studying this fake religion based on those dumb science

books he reads. I'm always reading.

I'd hope that was just a faith.

It's a science -based thought system. Much of it just as feasible as the stuff

they teach in church.

Magoriology? By J.

Eldon Gutierrez. They were handing those out in front of the vegetarian

restaurant. That's where I'd go to look for suckers. Much of folks willing to

spend two bucks on a bowl of grass soup.

It's a philosophy the Magorian people have used to bring a trillion years of

peace to their quadrant.

Wouldn't mind a little peace in my quadrant right now.

Give him his book back, Frank. Thank you.

It's a slippery slope, Dad. First McGoriology, then he'll be hanging out

Lutherans. Friends.

Now that Frank is out of the room, I don't mind saying I agree with him. I

like my kids looking outside the Catholic church. That's why we have all

stained glass, so you can't see out. William's just got a naturally curious

mind. The other day he was asking me about Buddhism.

And you told him? Yeah, it's been around for a while, Mom.

It's out there. Oh, it's out there, all right. Big fat guy stuffing his wisdom

into fortune cookies?

I think that's Confucianism. You're damn right it's confusing.

These new religions.

Buddhism's actually older than Catholicism. Yeah, well, I'm just

it, and I don't like it. Well, I think it's healthy that William's questioning

his beliefs. Well, you questioned your beliefs right out of a cushy priest job.

Our religion has a lot of beautiful, profound ideas that only work if you

look at them too closely.

Yeah, church isn't set up for brainiacs wringing their hands, trying to pick

things apart.

That's what synagogues are for.

If you think your faith won't stand up to scrutiny, why is it so important for

your kids to follow it? Because it's right. Other religions feel the same

Well, they're wrong. If you force William to believe what you believe, you

just drive him away from it.

Maybe he's right. Maybe we should back off, William, and see how this plays

That's the trouble with smart kids.

They're awful.

The dumb ones are awful, too, but at least you can follow them around. Eddie,

pick up your feet when you walk.

Where have you guys been? We got up at three in the morning to get in line for

Zeppelin tickets.

Ooh, it's time for the air show again?

I'm not surprised Blimp Day's become a hot ticket.

They are the gentle giants of the sky.

They're talking about the band.

Zeppelin's a band now?

Your generation ruins everything.

Hermits, stones, beetles.

Words used to mean something.

Well, we didn't get the tickets because someone fell asleep on their shift. The

guy promised he'd wake me up when the Ticketron opened. You mean the guy in

behind us who accused us of cutting in front of him? Yeah, Doug.

I am never speaking to Doug again. You're never seeing him again. How about

the concert? Doug will be there, but we won't. Because of you!

Because of Doug. If we had to depend on you two and the war, we'd all be

speaking German right now. That would be really helpful.

I cannot get through my foreign language requirement.

I'm surprised you're giving up so easy. You always seem to have a connection for

concert tickets and fireworks.

And a koala that one time.

Oh, Pat's best birthday yet?

Yeah. I got mouthy and ray -ray beat in the streets, but so far all they could

score me was ice capades.

But I might be able to set you up for that air show, Dad. I'll take two for

blimp day.

And some more of those hot dog vouchers.

Is this tie too flashy for mass hunt?

Didn't realize I was married to Liberace.

Wear the brown one.

There you are. Last place I checked.

Why aren't you wearing pants?

They wouldn't fit over my shoes, but that's not why I'm here.

Don't feel bad, pal.

I blew it with my tie.

William says he's not going to church today.

Nonsense. You tell him he's going.

Then put your pants on. I mean, I can try again, but... Take your shoes off

first. Oh!

So now William doesn't want to go to church at all. Well, I guess we clamp

before his doubts about religion affect the other kids. We want them catching

on. You mean we don't want the others doubting it?

Sure. Well, his problem is he...

Sits in math thinking about stuff.

We need to find him a distraction.

Like when the baby and Eddie get fussy, I give him my keys to play with. And Pat

likes how the pew vibrates under his butt when the organ plays a low note.

What on God's green earth? Sounds like you're playing Hell's National Anthem.

I'm just practicing scales on my theremin. I was hoping to skip math

learn the theme from Star Trek. I know how into music you are.

Father Abdi says you're a once -in -a -generation musical talent. Would you

knock that off?

Wait, you were talking to Father Abdi about me?

Just the other day, when I was teaching him how Americans use stairs, he asked

about you getting involved with the boys' choir.

Our choir?

Oh, do you know why our church calls it a choir?

Because when they sing, it's so terrible you cry.

Sure, Timmy made a bad joke, but even in the worst comedy, there's a germ of

truth. Our choir sings.

That's all I wanted to communicate.

I think ye.

Look. That's why Father Abdi needs you. He was hoping you'd listen during math

today and give suggestions.

And they'll take them seriously?

That's what the Catholic Church is known for.

Always welcoming new ideas.

Holy God, we pray.

Temple, temple.

Come on, people.

Lord of all, we bow before thee.

It's terrible.

It's just appalling.

Cut him some slack. Their voices are changing. Not changing enough.

Oh!

Ooh,

that music was my bad.

I welcome you in Christ.

Coming down the tracks of this Super Tuesday, a double shot of Grand... Fuck

railroad. What's your finger doing besides putting undue stress on the

mechanism? KYWW has tickets to Led Zeppelin. You call in to win. But you

say, KYWW plays all the hits.

Now that I understand it, I care even less.

Hang up. I like to keep that line open.

Dad, come on. You never get calls. I work in the defense industry, so I must

reachable at all times in case of a national emergency.

What did I tell you?

Am I clear?

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh. Well, that's intriguing.

You've confirmed those figures with the colonel? And everybody up at HQ?

Okay.

I'll be there.

Peggy! Kentucky Fried Chicken has a meal deal!

A bucket, fixings, plus free slaw!

Clowns almost made me miss that.

Honey, I told you. Tonight we are dining with the colonel. We need a fresh

vegetable, so I'm opening a can of beans.

Well, this just about pairs it. I'm 55.

Oh, Frank, stop talking like an elderly person. William staged a power grab at

choir practice, came in throwing suggestions at Sister Euphemia, who

like an Irish setter.

Sounds like you got William back in the fold.

Yeah, but I didn't realize it would upset Frank.

That's just gravy.

Savory country gravy.

Time to pick up the chicken.

Hey, I hear you're whipping the choir into shape.

Good job.

I hear Frank isn't too happy about it. He's mad because he thinks his voice is

tenor. I would rank it more of a four and a half -er.

Yes, it's a bad joke, but it doesn't diminish the importance of the message.

Frank thinks.

You can't kick him out. They already spent good money on that special road

makes him look like he's got shoulders.

I told him he could stay.

If he just moves his lips, it's not making any noise. If only I could get

do that around here.

It sounded really good tonight. In fact, Father Obby stopped by and asked us to

sing on the Mass for Shut -In show this Sunday. What do you know? Because of

church, you're going to sing on TV.

Acoustics in our house were a funny thing.

Sometimes I couldn't hear my mother tell me to pick up a dirty sock from two

feet away.

But other times... Did you hear that, Jimmy?

William's going to sing on TV?

Holy...

William, your lovely voice has drawn from me long, dormant feelings.

Passion, innocence untouched, but longing.

So much longing.

I'm sorry, sister.

No, you were wonderful.

I think we have found our soloist.

Excuse me, sister.

I'd like to audition for the solo.

What are you doing here? Isn't it obvious?

Timmy can never stand anybody getting more attention than him. He'd climb up

that cross if he wasn't scared of splinters.

Listen, Ruth, William's a doll, and he'd be fine if this was just a church gig,

but on television, you're competing for eyeballs.

There are, like, four channels now, so you have got to pop out of that screen

and grab them.

Let me give you a little taste.

Billy, be flat.

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy.

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy. Yeah!

Holy, holy, holy.

Lord God Almighty, Almighty.

Early in the morning, my song shall rise to thee, thee, thee, thee. Holy, holy,

holy.

Merciful and mighty.

God in three persons, the blessed Trinity.

Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy.

Lord God Almighty.

I'm proud of us in Trinity.

Who are you sending those postcards to?

Show business power player, Lou Wasserman, Stanley Kubrick. Folks, I

catch myself on Sunday morning.

I'm going to be the first person in our family on TV. Not true. Your cousin

Brenda used to pal around with those Manson group.

She made it into all the courtroom sketches.

Seems very unlikely to me that your industry big shots are going to be

in a mass for shut -ins. You mean a guy like Lou Wasserman running a big studio?

I doubt he has time to get to Mass.

You took a beautiful hymn and made it an abomination.

Sounds like you might be jealous somebody took your solo.

I care about honoring the music.

You don't add a whoopee cushion to Mozart.

You do if you want to get butts in the seat.

You've taken the one thing I like about church and you made it about butt. My

mom's plan was starting to unravel.

She now worried William might stop making music for the Catholic Church and

up making music at the airport with a shaved head and a tambourine. You know.

Timmy, you're going to have plenty of opportunities to be on TV.

Maybe you should let William have this one.

Mom,

this isn't about me anymore, okay? I've got to do this for the Shuttons. A lot

of them don't get any sunshine.

They need me to bring it to them.

Sorry I'm late. There's a dumb mattress in the middle of the street. I'm going

out. I'm going to call it in. What size is it? Eddie needs a new bed.

It's in the road, Peg.

Does that mean stains or just tire tracks?

My father picks up a little overtime, suddenly we're too fancy for a street

mattress.

Hello? Hello?

Who's on this line? Is that Eddie? Joey, it's Dad.

What's going on?

Hey, Pop.

We finally got through to KYWW. We're on hold right now at caller number six.

Where are you? How are you even on this phone?

Okay, full disclosure.

I kind of sliced into our phone line and ran an extension up to my office.

Turns out I'm pretty technological.

I must have gotten that from you.

You're about to get something else from me.

Dad, don't mess this up. We've been calling day and night trying to win

No! What do you know? It hit the ground just like a lead zeppelin.

Hello, caller number six?

Who is this?

Don't hang up, Dad. Do not hang up. It's Rockin' Rocky at KYWW Radio.

Good. You can get the word out regarding a sig alert on Glen Oaks Avenue. It's a

mattress. Probably fell off a U -Haul.

Don't time down like they're supposed to. You're killing me, old man. You're

killing me.

Dad, you've got to say the slogan.

Who am I speaking with? Michael Cleary, the unfortunate father of two idiot sons

who... Oh, sounds like we've got a grumpy dad.

Well, tell me, grumpy dad, are you ready to have Zeppelin rock your world? That

seems extremely unlikely.

Just repeat our slogan and win the prize.

KYWW plays all the hits. Say it.

KYWW plays all the hits. Please, please, please.

So what...

I can't just say something I don't know to be true in the public airways. It

might be perjury. We could lose the house.

Grumpy Dad is the most.

I don't just give my endorsement without believing in the product.

You're not endorsing the music. You're just stating a fact. There is no way I'm

saying KYWW plays all the hits without first knowing. He said it. You said it.

heard you, Dad. You just want two tickets to Led Zeppelin.

Pick them up at Will Call.

See you at the concert, Grumpy Dad.

Don't forget about that mattress.

Seconds to Zeppelin!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I believe Grumpy Dad won those tickets. Your mom and I used

go to a lot of concerts together.

You know, I recall one of our first dates ever was with Vaughn Monroe and

band at the Twin Coaches outside of Pittsburgh.

Dad's talking about the past again.

Oh, my God. This is the same stage where they shoot the Boxcar Benji show.

Wonderful. Timmy and his natural habitat among the priests of Hollyweird. Honey,

it's not polite to call these weirdos priests.

where Benji always goes to sleep on off.

And right there is the window sill where every week a lucky junior hobo tries to

steal the widow's pie.

Those of you appearing on camera need to report for makeup.

I will not be wearing any makeup. I am nobody's father.

I need a number three vase before I wash out under the lights.

Okay, okay, let's go.

Why would you make me come just to watch Timmy butcher my favorite hymn?

What if something happens to Timmy and he can't think today?

Well, then you would be here to save the day.

What's going to happen to Timmy? I don't know yet.

But in the meantime, think about the shut -in.

It brings them joy to see the shiny faces of children. It does nothing for

but they don't get out much.

So, are you nervous, Timmy Kitty? This is actually my first starring role on

It doesn't seem appropriate for you to think of yourself as the star of this

mess.

I get it. This is your rodeo. You want top billing. No, I simply meant that you

should... Father, they're ready for you.

Sunday mass for shut -ins coming up next.

While Lawrence prepared to record my historic TV appearance using the

of the day, Joey and Eddie were still trying to get their hands on my dad's

Zeppelin ticket, demonstrating a determination and ingenuity which would

made dad proud if they weren't also ripping off.

Pretty good.

And now for the finishing touch.

You really think the guys at Wilco will believe I'm dad?

Are you kidding? You look so much like dad, you should be calling yourself an

idiot right now.

Timmy, show's about to start.

Nice try, pal.

Idiot.

Hey, hey, is there any chance that I might see Benji around here today?

Well, you never know with this guy. Some days he flies in from his private

island on his helicopter just to sit in his dressing room and check out his

stock portfolio. He's got a helicopter?

Of course.

You don't think he's some pathetic burnout who moonlights on the weekend

a pawn in his eight -time Emmys just to keep up with three alimonies. That would

be sad.

Save your money, kid.

And do not marry women who are too pretty for you.

Mom, he said that that boxcar Benji might be in his dressing room right now.

What are you waiting for? Go.

It's almost time. I don't want them starting without me. How could they?

the star of this mess.

Thank you. Now explain that to Father Abdir.

is timmy the program's about to begin i'm sorry sister timmy left i guess

william will have to sing his part timmy left one of his brothers has taken

seriously oh will you be leaving too timmy's got a cover places one minute

to air everyone take their cue from william and all i ask from you my dear

is that you transfix us with your pure angelic voice as you did the other day

right before your brother came in and did it just a little better.

I won't let you down, sister.

More importantly, I won't let down the music.

Since we're one vocalist short, instead of just moving my lips, could I maybe...

No! We are on the air in five, four... Somebody please open the door!

Hello! Welcome to the Mass for Shutters, our weekly broadcast of the Catholic

liturgy. I welcome you in Christ's name Let us begin with an opening hymn

after that for posterity.

If you want something done right.

Holy, holy, holy Lord God

Almighty Early in the

morning Mom's really nice when she lives in the television.

Only thou

This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever.

In love and purity.

More fan mail for me.

Apparently I'm the reason Barry from Culver City Renal Care found the

to soldier on.

Although he might just be buttering me up for one of my kidneys.

Another one from prison.

Because he's a fan for life.

I can't believe I got locked out.

I still feel like William had something to do with it. I did have motive and

opportunity.

Oh, here's one for you.

Really? One of your postcards came back.

Don't think the producers of the Waltons actually live on Walton's Mountain.

Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

Yes, and I said knock it off. You can pick whatever godless cult you want to

when you turn 18, but for now, every Sunday, you're in that pew gutting it

with the rest of us.

I realized what happened to me at the show couldn't have just been an

God struck me mute, like the angel Gabriel did to Zachariah in the Gospel

Luke. You know the story.

Sure, but refresh me.

Zachariah was punished for his lack of faith, and maybe I was too. So I'm back

on board with Catholicism, mainly because I'm scared to death of God.

Oh, sweetie.

You finally get it.

I got him.

Now the question is, what do I do with him?

Give them Teddy and Joey, and then wait two and a half hours to give us a ride

home?

I pushed it too far, didn't I?

All right, there you go. Oh, hang on. These tickets are worth $7?

What do they do, come over after the concert and paint your house? That's

face value.

Scalpers are getting 50 or 60 bucks.

50 or 60?

I can see these people being that dumb. Dad, come on.

Remember that time you and your brother skipped school to see Babe Ruth play

against the Pirates? Oh, Dad, I'll never forget. The great Bambino hit his last

home run in the majors, and as he rounded the bases, he ate 12 hot dogs

finished a case of beer.

Greatest athlete this country will ever know.

Exactly. And Led Zeppelin is our Babe Ruth.

So don't rob us of countless memories we can bore our kids with.

Thanks, Dad. I'll meet you at our seats. For some reason, I need a hot dog.

I got one here. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

Memories are great, but 60 bucks is 60 bucks.

You're abandoning your brother to pocket some cash?

Okay, tell you what.

What if I use that cash to buy us both a nice steak dinner at Siddler?

We got one here.

One. One here.

What's eating? Sexton D. 60 bucks. Sexton D. We got one.

That deal all night.