Original subtitles

When my dad came home from work, he wanted to find an orderly, sensible

universe. What are you jacking apes up to?

We're emptying sugar straws and filling them with our secret formula to make a

big firecracker. All right, you be careful. If you eat too much of that

you'll spoil your supper.

My brothers and I spent a big part of our early adolescence trying to make

things go boom.

This is a traditional activity for mischievous boys, going all the way back

God and the Big Bang. You're just going to blow it up plain? You're not going to

shove it in a doll or in a dead lizard?

Whatever happened to showmanship?

That's it?

It smelled like seat noises.

This is more disappointing than when Kathy Petrillo finally wore a tube top.

Should we try it again?

Yeah.

Peg,

there's someone else's kid in here.

Just a minute.

Oh, hi, Dad. This is Duncan.

Pat's calling it Duncan.

Hi, Mike.

It called me Mike.

Hi, hon.

Hey. I gotta fix this shade. It's driving me to distraction.

One of our darling monsters messed up this lamp.

Which monster?

The only one who hasn't denied it so far is the baby, but as soon as he learns

to talk, he'll lie to me, too. What's going on with this thing here?

Pat made a friend.

It's a nightmare.

Dinner in a minute.

Listen, I kind of want to watch the news, so... We want to see how it ends.

Well, it ends with me watching the news.

But, Dad... As a Catholic child in the 1970s, you weren't really considered a

person with any rights unless you were in the womb or over the age of 18.

Tina!

Oh, Duncan.

Your parents are still coming to get you, right?

I guess.

Do I need to invite them to dinner?

It would be rude to eat in front of them.

You should maybe go wait for them on the curb.

Mike, the porch is fine.

Oh, thank God.

You are so sorry we're late. I feel terrible.

Please forgive us for being so thoughtless, Duncan. We are very, very

That's okay. No, no, it's not.

There's absolutely no excuse.

You know how much we love you. We love you so very much. More than chocolate,

more than rainbows.

We're the Bridgewoods. So sorry for any trouble.

Oh, that one's meant for us.

Great to meet you, folks.

It's kind of a mealtime around here, so. Thank you so much, but we can't stay.

We're making homemade pizzas tonight, and Duncan is picking all the toppings.

Aren't you funny?

That sounds fun. Okay, well, then. Safe trip home. I assume Duncan will be

driving. You can enjoy your jelly bean and cotton candy pizza, you moron.

Oh, I love you so much, Duncan.

More than the moon and the stars.

Am I missing something? Duncan wasn't that great.

I could throw a rock in a park and hit ten kids better than that.

Not really sure what we're laughing at here. The Ridgewoods. Keep up.

To me, it sounded like they really do love their child.

They're just trying to make up for naming him Duncan.

I thought he was your friend. That's fine. Maybe they take it a little far,

it's not bad for children to know that they're loved. I recently read an

article. Oh, for Christ's sake. And it said that children with parents who

communicate their feelings do better in school and in business just from hearing

the words, I love you. Words are idiotic. People say words all day long.

Actions are what count. Saying I love you is an action. Saying shut up is an

action. I communicate my feelings to you kids all the time.

I've been very clear how I feel about whichever miscreant messed with my lamp.

Those are all negative feelings.

What if I got hit by a bus and you never told me you loved me?

Somehow it'd save you from the bus, but fine.

I love you.

What about me? You love me, too? I want an I love you. Okay, see? See what you

started? You tell one kid you love them, suddenly they all want to be loved.

See, this way, when it blows up, it'll leave a zesty, lemony smell. People are

always complaining about the stench of war.

If this works, we can sell it to the Pentagon.

I'm selling it to whichever country's army pays the most.

Capitalism. That's what we're fighting to protect.

Come on. Hurry, go, go, go.

And you started without me?

Sorry, there's an arms race.

Yeah, we have to perfect this before the car was due.

Go check it.

Why do I have to check it? You just complained about being left out.

Fine.

Boom! Holy fat pigs, Joey!

The formula... is not going to ignite if it's soaked in lemon juice. Another

three days of grinding up Alka -Seltzer?

I'd rather live under the yoke of communism.

Alka -Seltzer's kid stuff.

Let's crank things up with some serious chemicals.

Where'd you get that?

The toy store.

You clowns want to eat before mass.

It's now or never.

Let go of my ego. Hey, just like the commercial. Just the commercial one with

one brother stabbing the other brother with a butter knife?

All right, you got two minutes before cutoff.

Catholics aren't supposed to eat for an hour before receiving Holy Communion.

The church doesn't like the idea of Jesus in your belly swashing around with

your fruit loops.

So I thought about what Lawrence said last night, you know, about expressing

feelings. And, well, maybe it's not the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Thank

you. So, here you go.

Hmm? Happy?

What's with the order of the names? And the numbers next to them. Oh, that's

just the order I thought of you when I asked myself, who do I love around here?

So, you're all officially loved and can now go on to be successful businessmen.

First millionaire owes me a mink coat.

Isn't it weird that William is number one? She said the numbers don't mean

anything. Spoken like a true number seven.

This actually makes a lot of sense.

I am especially lovable. Then why would she put baby Andy at eight? You kidding?

He drains all of us and brings nothing to the table.

I'd put him at like a twelve.

No, okay, why is Pat higher than me?

Because I say cute things, I'm more cautious. More importantly, how on earth

Eddie more loved than me? I practically worship the woman. Probably weirds her

out. I, on the other hand, play hard to get.

With your mom?

Yeah, that's not weird at all.

Time's up. One hour till communion. Get out anything you haven't swallowed.

Why am I so low on a list? For the record, I think it's just fun.

Oh, yeah, you would. You're at the top.

Oh, am I?

I didn't mean for it to necessarily suggest that I love some of you more

others, but then again, it'd be silly to think a mother could love all her

children exactly the same.

Oh, let's get ready for church, little eight.

I think you may have missed the point of telling your kids you love them. It's

not supposed to be some death match where the last kid standing gets a hug.

Nobody's getting a hug. It's supposed to be unconditional love, Mom.

Unconditional love. Treating everyone the same, no matter what they do. Sounds

like Soviet Russia, where every time Dick and Ivan gets a potato, whether

work for it or not.

So according to your unconditional deal, if little Pat were to stab me... He's

not the one I'd watch out for. I'm still supposed to hug him after and say, Oh,

Mommy loves you. Nice stabbing, Pat.

Then here is your potato, comrade.

Look, God's love is the model, right? And God's love is unconditional.

I don't know what Bible you're reading, pal, but in mine you got Sodom,

Gomorrah, Luke. his floods, you get on God's bad side, and boom, you are

Just ask Lot's wife.

Oh, wait, you can't, because she's a salt lick.

Mom, I should be at the top. I love you more than anybody.

Hey, seriously, pat over me.

Mommy, you're beautiful.

He can say beautiful. I've heard him say it a million times.

Kid knows how to play the game. I endorse the list.

Excellent work, Mom.

Another hole in one.

Oh, really?

I bet you would be at the top of the list if Mom knew that you were the one

broke the ceiling lamp in the dining room.

Which she does now.

The whole floor is hot lava, and to keep you honest, I threw down some tax.

Oh, no! The lava's spread to the table! It's not gonna get me!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, tax!

Thanks a lot, snitch. Yeah, way to pull a Frank. I take that as a compliment.

I don't. Thank you for the information, Timmy. My little experiment worked.

William, you're paying for a new lamp.

But...

I'm replacing it anyway. I never liked it.

Brilliant scheme, Mom. Stop sucking up. The list was bogus. Oh, there's a real

list somewhere. So you did this whole loveless thing so your children would

on each other?

Pretty smart, huh?

Well, off to church.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Turning your children against each other might seem like questionable parenting,

but a house with eight delinquents needed a tough cop who played by her own

rules. It's funny we ended up with this lady in the role. I always pictured

Clint Eastwood.

Forgive this trespasser? Nope.

I said I was sorry.

You know me, I'm not a snitch. I just got caught up in the moment. I'm not

talking to you.

If I could take it back, I would.

I feel so bad. My stomach's been hurting all day.

Maybe that's God's way of punching you on my behalf.

Thank you, sir. For the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

How long are you going to hold a grudge?

Forever.

The peace of the Lord be with you always.

Let us offer each other the sign of peace.

Chemicals are pretty deadly.

We should wash some flowers after before we put it back.

No, she sees it's clean, she'll get suspicious.

I thought we were going to do this together.

Oh, hi, Timmy.

A button fell off my green coat and I need it sewn back on.

Why are you telling me?

Because telling you is the same as telling mom, right?

I love what you've done with your hair, Peggy.

I think your scam has successfully driven a wedge between Timmy and

They'll get over it.

They'll be out there laughing and throwing hammers at each other before

it. Honey, usually I'm fine watching you torture the kids, especially during the

summer when TV's mostly reruns.

But this thing with the list?

I'm not proud of what I did, Mike. Except a little, because it was clever.

But I got valuable information.

At what cost?

I'd like to think our boys are still going to be friends after we're gone.

Don't go anywhere.

Oh, you mean death?

Bring it on.

I stopped going to funerals. I get so jealous.

You know I got a couple of brothers I don't even talk to.

I really miss those guys. You could call them and work it out. No, they know

what they did.

Look, I'm just saying that William and Joey are out back right now, having the

time of their lives, making stuff to blow up, and Timmy doesn't get to be

of it.

Mommy.

Mommy, my stomach really hurts.

It does not.

No, I think so.

I'm just feeling bad because you and William are fighting. Yeah.

Pick another brother. It's why we had so many.

Oh, my God.

He's burning up, Mike.

Feel him. I'm not going to touch him. I've got to work in the morning. My

were always very reluctant to spend money on doctors.

Mom's first course of action was her museum of leftover medicines, prescribed

over the years by various doctors and vets.

She'd trick us into taking the dog medicine by hiding it in a treat.

For Mom and Dad to actually bring you to the doctor, you had to bleed profusely,

break a bone, or that.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, then.

I'll get the car keys.

appendicitis. Timmy said his tummy hurts.

I just figured he wanted attention.

I assumed it was like that month he spoke like an old prospector.

I hate that something was wrong and I ignored it.

You're a good mom, Peg.

I never said I wasn't.

Where's that coming from?

I got eight kids. I'm going to miss them stuff once in a while.

Hey, buddy.

The surgery will be here shortly. We'll give your son something to put him

under. Okay. Give us the last page of these forms. I'm going to go sleeping.

First, I want to tell him something. Honey, I'm sorry I tripped you into

on William. And I really do love you. It's not a trick this time. I mean it.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay. I love you, too.

Don't tell your brothers, but you've always been my little star.

I hope you can forgive me.

I forgive you.

I'm sorry for what happened to the land. It doesn't matter now. I don't care.

The table.

What table?

The table and what happened.

Yeah, you said that, but what happened with the table? We're ready to take him

in. Keep it short on. You were saying something about a table?

It was just Joey tries to.

We really should get him into surgery. What, you got a hot date? I'm trying to

tell my son I love him. Now tell me what happened with Joey and the table.

Joey tried to fix the lamp and he caught up on the table.

Yeah?

Bam.

Bam.

Bam.

Pretty damn good if I say so myself.

Mom will never even hear.

Ow! Ow!

Here, here, here, here!

Take care of that one. He's special.

Who knows what other secrets he's got in that beautiful head of his.

I always warn them. Is Timmy okay?

He's fine.

He has to spend another night or two in the hospital. Poor guy.

By poor guy, I mean me.

I'm now poor.

The kid was doped up, Peggy. The table looks fine.

Looks can be deceiving, like our children.

Aha!

Joey putting his D -plus in woodchunk to good use. A beautiful table.

It's from that store on the same block as the Ethan Allen.

Wait till I get a hold of Joey. Honey, we might have to let this one go.

No way. We never let things go. That's what I like most about us. If we bust

Joey, he'll know who told you.

And then both William and Joey are hitting Timmy's guts.

He just lost some guts so there's less of him to hate. There might be a better

way to handle this.

If you'll trust me, you'll still get to crush Joey.

They say fathers don't get it, but you do.

I want these boys staying together.

Because there's nothing more important than the bond between... Oh, for

sakes, just call your brothers. They have phones. They know where to find me.

Did you feel homesick at the hospital?

Well, all they served was heated up frozen food, so... That part felt like

I made you a special dessert.

Festive peg.

For the three days you were in the hospital, I collected all those jello

you didn't eat. And the ones from that kid next to you who was eating out of a

tube. We're all glad you're okay, buddy. Yes, we are.

You're talking to me again?

Well, he squealed on me I wished you would die.

And then you almost did.

It scared me that I might have power over life and death.

You really are.

That's my show.

Thanks.

I mean, I wouldn't want to be God. I'm too indecisive.

Maybe I would.

I don't know.

Who on earth?

That'll be a friend of mine. I invited him to stop by for dessert. Dead -ass

friends. I wouldn't take him literally.

Well, he's having dessert with us, so we should all be gracious.

And make a dent in the jello before this dude starts talking it down.

Everyone, this is Mr. Young, my friend from work. See, work friend, not real

friend. Peggy, you've heard me talk about Grover.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you, too. Let me get you a chair. Frank, leave.

Grover works at the chemical engineering department.

He's kind of a genius, what he does.

It's genius how those terms get thrown around by the schools I attended.

What's in the case, William?

It's rude.

If Mr. Young wants to tell us what's in his weird case that has us all a little

nervous, he will.

Actually, this is a detective kit I put together.

Besides my job, I also fancy myself an amateur sleuth. I use chemistry to solve

mysteries. Cool. So I'm guessing you're a...

Single fella, Grover.

I'm married to a little lady called Forensic Science.

So single. Yeah. In fact, I'm on my way to a meeting of my amateur detective

club, the Sherlock Homebodies.

Did it just hit you how lame that sounded?

What is it? Had your detective skills stumbled on something? I can't answer

questions about an open investigation.

Something about this table is not...

On the level.

Whoa, you're good.

There's nothing wrong with the table. Let the man do his hobby.

Oh, dear.

This table has been broken.

Nobody leave this room.

May I excuse?

Sure. Well, your friend seems to be on to something.

Unfortunate you invited him to stop by tonight. Yeah, what are the odds?

From the damage and the wood grain and these carpet fibers, I can conclusively

say somebody stood on this table and broke it. And they try to cover their

tracks with a shoddy repair job.

Who could have done that? Wasn't me. I mean, it could have been anyone in this

house when you think about it.

Not quite anyone.

Check this out.

There's a fingerprint on this nail.

And judging from these ridge patterns, I would say this print could only come

from a blonde child.

I'm not sure that's how fingerprints work. Hey, when you get a stupid hobby

Mr. Young, then you can become an expert, too.

A blonde child.

Sure narrows it down.

Baby Andy's also kind of blonde.

He's not the ridge patterns of a toddler.

Back in those days, we tended to believe our scientists more than we do today,

which is a good thing, generally. Climate change is real.

But my dad turned that trust into a weapon to use against Joey.

Wow.

What's that chemical?

It's red dye number 40.

It disrupts the chemical bonds of this fiber down to the molecular level. It's

the same stuff that's in your jello.

And I can say that this culprit must be 15. Wait.

No.

14 years of age.

Wow, all that from carpet fibers.

Very valid.

What do you have to say for yourself?

The man caught you red -handed.

Fine. You got me. When William broke the lamp, I got up on the table to fix it,

and bam.

First time in my life I had the impulse to help someone. I'll never make that

mistake again.

Lesson well learned. But you're still going to pay for those repairs. I got a

table guy that works off the books, but you'll want to hide your jewelry.

And the TV.

Thanks for your help, Robert.

Do you have a home office? I got about 40 minutes of paperwork to close this

off. Oh, that feels pretty close up to me. We can sort that out later.

Oh, right, right, yeah. I'll secure that that's evident in case it goes to

trouble. Pleasure meeting you all.

Bye.

Thanks again, pal.

No problem.

So, you'll sit with me at lunch tomorrow?

That was the deal. Yes, it was.

So, you went to all this trouble to catch Joey, but still protect Timmy?

They're as devious as I am. I'm just glad it's not the kids against each

anymore. It's back to us against them.

Yeah, I'm more confident that every lab will beat them.

And that none of them will get past Ringworm. I put dog medicine in the

Check it out, Pop.

We're launching our own lunar mission. Saturn V.

What a beauty.

This baby burns more fuel in a second than Lindbergh did crossing the

Lindbergh.

What a sucker.

Instead of rocket fuel, we're using something we cooked up with my chemistry

set. So mixing random chemicals and putting a match to it?

That does work for your mom's cooking. We crunch the numbers, and according to

our calculations, the rocket's going to go up. Or, more precisely, 40 to 50 feet

in the air, then deploy a parachute and gently waft back down to Earth. Which is

important, since we put a cricket inside.

For science.

Do the honors.

With pleasure.

All right.

Yeah, he was.

I'm proud of you boys, although I feel bad you lost your Saturn V.

And the cricket.

Well, he died doing what he loved.

It's a shame. It seemed like a lot of work went into that model.

Nah, it was Frank's.

Frank's?

In the words of Sergeant Schultz, I know nothing.

Does Frank have anything else we can blow up?