All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E09.HDTV.x264-BATV[eztv]

When my dad came home from work, he
wanted to find an orderly, sensible

universe. What are you jacking apes up
to?

We're emptying sugar straws and filling
them with our secret formula to make a

big firecracker. All right, you be
careful. If you eat too much of that

you'll spoil your supper.

My brothers and I spent a big part of
our early adolescence trying to make

things go boom.

This is a traditional activity for
mischievous boys, going all the way back

God and the Big Bang. You're just going
to blow it up plain? You're not going to

shove it in a doll or in a dead lizard?

Whatever happened to showmanship?

That's it?

It smelled like seat noises.

This is more disappointing than when
Kathy Petrillo finally wore a tube top.

Should we try it again?

Yeah.

Peg,

there's someone else's kid in here.

Just a minute.

Oh, hi, Dad. This is Duncan.

Pat's calling it Duncan.

Hi, Mike.

It called me Mike.

Hi, hon.

Hey. I gotta fix this shade. It's
driving me to distraction.

One of our darling monsters messed up
this lamp.

Which monster?

The only one who hasn't denied it so far
is the baby, but as soon as he learns

to talk, he'll lie to me, too. What's
going on with this thing here?

Pat made a friend.

It's a nightmare.

Dinner in a minute.

Listen, I kind of want to watch the
news, so... We want to see how it ends.

Well, it ends with me watching the news.

But, Dad... As a Catholic child in the
1970s, you weren't really considered a

person with any rights unless you were
in the womb or over the age of 18.

Tina!

Oh, Duncan.

Your parents are still coming to get
you, right?

I guess.

Do I need to invite them to dinner?

It would be rude to eat in front of
them.

You should maybe go wait for them on the
curb.

Mike, the porch is fine.

Oh, thank God.

You are so sorry we're late. I feel
terrible.

Please forgive us for being so
thoughtless, Duncan. We are very, very

That's okay. No, no, it's not.

There's absolutely no excuse.

You know how much we love you. We love
you so very much. More than chocolate,

more than rainbows.

We're the Bridgewoods. So sorry for any
trouble.

Oh, that one's meant for us.

Great to meet you, folks.

It's kind of a mealtime around here, so.
Thank you so much, but we can't stay.

We're making homemade pizzas tonight,
and Duncan is picking all the toppings.

Aren't you funny?

That sounds fun. Okay, well, then. Safe
trip home. I assume Duncan will be

driving. You can enjoy your jelly bean
and cotton candy pizza, you moron.

Oh, I love you so much, Duncan.

More than the moon and the stars.

Am I missing something? Duncan wasn't
that great.

I could throw a rock in a park and hit
ten kids better than that.

Not really sure what we're laughing at
here. The Ridgewoods. Keep up.

To me, it sounded like they really do
love their child.

They're just trying to make up for
naming him Duncan.

I thought he was your friend. That's
fine. Maybe they take it a little far,

it's not bad for children to know that
they're loved. I recently read an

article. Oh, for Christ's sake. And it
said that children with parents who

communicate their feelings do better in
school and in business just from hearing

the words, I love you. Words are
idiotic. People say words all day long.

Actions are what count. Saying I love
you is an action. Saying shut up is an

action. I communicate my feelings to you
kids all the time.

I've been very clear how I feel about
whichever miscreant messed with my lamp.

Those are all negative feelings.

What if I got hit by a bus and you never
told me you loved me?

Somehow it'd save you from the bus, but
fine.

I love you.

What about me? You love me, too? I want
an I love you. Okay, see? See what you

started? You tell one kid you love them,
suddenly they all want to be loved.

See, this way, when it blows up, it'll
leave a zesty, lemony smell. People are

always complaining about the stench of
war.

If this works, we can sell it to the
Pentagon.

I'm selling it to whichever country's
army pays the most.

Capitalism. That's what we're fighting
to protect.

Come on. Hurry, go, go, go.

And you started without me?

Sorry, there's an arms race.

Yeah, we have to perfect this before the
car was due.

Go check it.

Why do I have to check it? You just
complained about being left out.

Fine.

Boom! Holy fat pigs, Joey!

The formula... is not going to ignite if
it's soaked in lemon juice. Another

three days of grinding up Alka -Seltzer?

I'd rather live under the yoke of
communism.

Alka -Seltzer's kid stuff.

Let's crank things up with some serious
chemicals.

Where'd you get that?

The toy store.

You clowns want to eat before mass.

It's now or never.

Let go of my ego. Hey, just like the
commercial. Just the commercial one with

one brother stabbing the other brother
with a butter knife?

All right, you got two minutes before
cutoff.

Catholics aren't supposed to eat for an
hour before receiving Holy Communion.

The church doesn't like the idea of
Jesus in your belly swashing around with

your fruit loops.

So I thought about what Lawrence said
last night, you know, about expressing

feelings. And, well, maybe it's not the
stupidest thing I've ever heard. Thank

you. So, here you go.

Hmm? Happy?

What's with the order of the names? And
the numbers next to them. Oh, that's

just the order I thought of you when I
asked myself, who do I love around here?

So, you're all officially loved and can
now go on to be successful businessmen.

First millionaire owes me a mink coat.

Isn't it weird that William is number
one? She said the numbers don't mean

anything. Spoken like a true number
seven.

This actually makes a lot of sense.

I am especially lovable. Then why would
she put baby Andy at eight? You kidding?

He drains all of us and brings nothing
to the table.

I'd put him at like a twelve.

No, okay, why is Pat higher than me?

Because I say cute things, I'm more
cautious. More importantly, how on earth

Eddie more loved than me? I practically
worship the woman. Probably weirds her

out. I, on the other hand, play hard to
get.

With your mom?

Yeah, that's not weird at all.

Time's up. One hour till communion. Get
out anything you haven't swallowed.

Why am I so low on a list? For the
record, I think it's just fun.

Oh, yeah, you would. You're at the top.

Oh, am I?

I didn't mean for it to necessarily
suggest that I love some of you more

others, but then again, it'd be silly to
think a mother could love all her

children exactly the same.

Oh, let's get ready for church, little
eight.

I think you may have missed the point of
telling your kids you love them. It's

not supposed to be some death match
where the last kid standing gets a hug.

Nobody's getting a hug. It's supposed to
be unconditional love, Mom.

Unconditional love. Treating everyone
the same, no matter what they do. Sounds

like Soviet Russia, where every time
Dick and Ivan gets a potato, whether

work for it or not.

So according to your unconditional deal,
if little Pat were to stab me... He's

not the one I'd watch out for. I'm still
supposed to hug him after and say, Oh,

Mommy loves you. Nice stabbing, Pat.

Then here is your potato, comrade.

Look, God's love is the model, right?
And God's love is unconditional.

I don't know what Bible you're reading,
pal, but in mine you got Sodom,

Gomorrah, Luke. his floods, you get on
God's bad side, and boom, you are

Just ask Lot's wife.

Oh, wait, you can't, because she's a
salt lick.

Mom, I should be at the top. I love you
more than anybody.

Hey, seriously, pat over me.

Mommy, you're beautiful.

He can say beautiful. I've heard him say
it a million times.

Kid knows how to play the game. I
endorse the list.

Excellent work, Mom.

Another hole in one.

Oh, really?

I bet you would be at the top of the
list if Mom knew that you were the one

broke the ceiling lamp in the dining
room.

Which she does now.

The whole floor is hot lava, and to keep
you honest, I threw down some tax.

Oh, no! The lava's spread to the table!
It's not gonna get me!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, tax!

Thanks a lot, snitch. Yeah, way to pull
a Frank. I take that as a compliment.

I don't. Thank you for the information,
Timmy. My little experiment worked.

William, you're paying for a new lamp.

But...

I'm replacing it anyway. I never liked
it.

Brilliant scheme, Mom. Stop sucking up.
The list was bogus. Oh, there's a real

list somewhere. So you did this whole
loveless thing so your children would

on each other?

Pretty smart, huh?

Well, off to church.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed
be thy name.

Turning your children against each other
might seem like questionable parenting,

but a house with eight delinquents
needed a tough cop who played by her own

rules. It's funny we ended up with this
lady in the role. I always pictured

Clint Eastwood.

Forgive this trespasser? Nope.

I said I was sorry.

You know me, I'm not a snitch. I just
got caught up in the moment. I'm not

talking to you.

If I could take it back, I would.

I feel so bad. My stomach's been hurting
all day.

Maybe that's God's way of punching you
on my behalf.

Thank you, sir. For the coming of our
Savior, Jesus Christ.

How long are you going to hold a grudge?

Forever.

The peace of the Lord be with you
always.

Let us offer each other the sign of
peace.

Chemicals are pretty deadly.

We should wash some flowers after before
we put it back.

No, she sees it's clean, she'll get
suspicious.

I thought we were going to do this
together.

Oh, hi, Timmy.

A button fell off my green coat and I
need it sewn back on.

Why are you telling me?

Because telling you is the same as
telling mom, right?

I love what you've done with your hair,
Peggy.

I think your scam has successfully
driven a wedge between Timmy and

They'll get over it.

They'll be out there laughing and
throwing hammers at each other before

it. Honey, usually I'm fine watching you
torture the kids, especially during the

summer when TV's mostly reruns.

But this thing with the list?

I'm not proud of what I did, Mike.
Except a little, because it was clever.

But I got valuable information.

At what cost?

I'd like to think our boys are still
going to be friends after we're gone.

Don't go anywhere.

Oh, you mean death?

Bring it on.

I stopped going to funerals. I get so
jealous.

You know I got a couple of brothers I
don't even talk to.

I really miss those guys. You could call
them and work it out. No, they know

what they did.

Look, I'm just saying that William and
Joey are out back right now, having the

time of their lives, making stuff to
blow up, and Timmy doesn't get to be

of it.

Mommy.

Mommy, my stomach really hurts.

It does not.

No, I think so.

I'm just feeling bad because you and
William are fighting. Yeah.

Pick another brother. It's why we had so
many.

Oh, my God.

He's burning up, Mike.

Feel him. I'm not going to touch him.
I've got to work in the morning. My

were always very reluctant to spend
money on doctors.

Mom's first course of action was her
museum of leftover medicines, prescribed

over the years by various doctors and
vets.

She'd trick us into taking the dog
medicine by hiding it in a treat.

For Mom and Dad to actually bring you to
the doctor, you had to bleed profusely,

break a bone, or that.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay, then.

I'll get the car keys.

appendicitis. Timmy said his tummy
hurts.

I just figured he wanted attention.

I assumed it was like that month he
spoke like an old prospector.

I hate that something was wrong and I
ignored it.

You're a good mom, Peg.

I never said I wasn't.

Where's that coming from?

I got eight kids. I'm going to miss them
stuff once in a while.

Hey, buddy.

The surgery will be here shortly. We'll
give your son something to put him

under. Okay. Give us the last page of
these forms. I'm going to go sleeping.

First, I want to tell him something.
Honey, I'm sorry I tripped you into

on William. And I really do love you.
It's not a trick this time. I mean it.

Thanks, Mom.

Okay. I love you, too.

Don't tell your brothers, but you've
always been my little star.

I hope you can forgive me.

I forgive you.

I'm sorry for what happened to the land.
It doesn't matter now. I don't care.

The table.

What table?

The table and what happened.

Yeah, you said that, but what happened
with the table? We're ready to take him

in. Keep it short on. You were saying
something about a table?

It was just Joey tries to.

We really should get him into surgery.
What, you got a hot date? I'm trying to

tell my son I love him. Now tell me what
happened with Joey and the table.

Joey tried to fix the lamp and he caught
up on the table.

Yeah?

Bam.

Bam.

Bam.

Pretty damn good if I say so myself.

Mom will never even hear.

Ow! Ow!

Here, here, here, here!

Take care of that one. He's special.

Who knows what other secrets he's got in
that beautiful head of his.

I always warn them. Is Timmy okay?

He's fine.

He has to spend another night or two in
the hospital. Poor guy.

By poor guy, I mean me.

I'm now poor.

The kid was doped up, Peggy. The table
looks fine.

Looks can be deceiving, like our
children.

Aha!

Joey putting his D -plus in woodchunk to
good use. A beautiful table.

It's from that store on the same block
as the Ethan Allen.

Wait till I get a hold of Joey. Honey,
we might have to let this one go.

No way. We never let things go. That's
what I like most about us. If we bust

Joey, he'll know who told you.

And then both William and Joey are
hitting Timmy's guts.

He just lost some guts so there's less
of him to hate. There might be a better

way to handle this.

If you'll trust me, you'll still get to
crush Joey.

They say fathers don't get it, but you
do.

I want these boys staying together.

Because there's nothing more important
than the bond between... Oh, for

sakes, just call your brothers. They
have phones. They know where to find me.

Did you feel homesick at the hospital?

Well, all they served was heated up
frozen food, so... That part felt like

I made you a special dessert.

Festive peg.

For the three days you were in the
hospital, I collected all those jello

you didn't eat. And the ones from that
kid next to you who was eating out of a

tube. We're all glad you're okay, buddy.
Yes, we are.

You're talking to me again?

Well, he squealed on me I wished you
would die.

And then you almost did.

It scared me that I might have power
over life and death.

You really are.

That's my show.

Thanks.

I mean, I wouldn't want to be God. I'm
too indecisive.

Maybe I would.

I don't know.

Who on earth?

That'll be a friend of mine. I invited
him to stop by for dessert. Dead -ass

friends. I wouldn't take him literally.

Well, he's having dessert with us, so we
should all be gracious.

And make a dent in the jello before this
dude starts talking it down.

Everyone, this is Mr. Young, my friend
from work. See, work friend, not real

friend. Peggy, you've heard me talk
about Grover.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you, too. Let me get
you a chair. Frank, leave.

Grover works at the chemical engineering
department.

He's kind of a genius, what he does.

It's genius how those terms get thrown
around by the schools I attended.

What's in the case, William?

It's rude.

If Mr. Young wants to tell us what's in
his weird case that has us all a little

nervous, he will.

Actually, this is a detective kit I put
together.

Besides my job, I also fancy myself an
amateur sleuth. I use chemistry to solve

mysteries. Cool. So I'm guessing you're
a...

Single fella, Grover.

I'm married to a little lady called
Forensic Science.

So single. Yeah. In fact, I'm on my way
to a meeting of my amateur detective

club, the Sherlock Homebodies.

Did it just hit you how lame that
sounded?

What is it? Had your detective skills
stumbled on something? I can't answer

questions about an open investigation.

Something about this table is not...

On the level.

Whoa, you're good.

There's nothing wrong with the table.
Let the man do his hobby.

Oh, dear.

This table has been broken.

Nobody leave this room.

May I excuse?

Sure. Well, your friend seems to be on
to something.

Unfortunate you invited him to stop by
tonight. Yeah, what are the odds?

From the damage and the wood grain and
these carpet fibers, I can conclusively

say somebody stood on this table and
broke it. And they try to cover their

tracks with a shoddy repair job.

Who could have done that? Wasn't me. I
mean, it could have been anyone in this

house when you think about it.

Not quite anyone.

Check this out.

There's a fingerprint on this nail.

And judging from these ridge patterns, I
would say this print could only come

from a blonde child.

I'm not sure that's how fingerprints
work. Hey, when you get a stupid hobby

Mr. Young, then you can become an
expert, too.

A blonde child.

Sure narrows it down.

Baby Andy's also kind of blonde.

He's not the ridge patterns of a
toddler.

Back in those days, we tended to believe
our scientists more than we do today,

which is a good thing, generally.
Climate change is real.

But my dad turned that trust into a
weapon to use against Joey.

Wow.

What's that chemical?

It's red dye number 40.

It disrupts the chemical bonds of this
fiber down to the molecular level. It's

the same stuff that's in your jello.

And I can say that this culprit must be
15. Wait.

No.

14 years of age.

Wow, all that from carpet fibers.

Very valid.

What do you have to say for yourself?

The man caught you red -handed.

Fine. You got me. When William broke the
lamp, I got up on the table to fix it,

and bam.

First time in my life I had the impulse
to help someone. I'll never make that

mistake again.

Lesson well learned. But you're still
going to pay for those repairs. I got a

table guy that works off the books, but
you'll want to hide your jewelry.

And the TV.

Thanks for your help, Robert.

Do you have a home office? I got about
40 minutes of paperwork to close this

off. Oh, that feels pretty close up to
me. We can sort that out later.

Oh, right, right, yeah. I'll secure that
that's evident in case it goes to

trouble. Pleasure meeting you all.

Bye.

Thanks again, pal.

No problem.

So, you'll sit with me at lunch
tomorrow?

That was the deal. Yes, it was.

So, you went to all this trouble to
catch Joey, but still protect Timmy?

They're as devious as I am. I'm just
glad it's not the kids against each

anymore. It's back to us against them.

Yeah, I'm more confident that every lab
will beat them.

And that none of them will get past
Ringworm. I put dog medicine in the

Check it out, Pop.

We're launching our own lunar mission.
Saturn V.

What a beauty.

This baby burns more fuel in a second
than Lindbergh did crossing the

Lindbergh.

What a sucker.

Instead of rocket fuel, we're using
something we cooked up with my chemistry

set. So mixing random chemicals and
putting a match to it?

That does work for your mom's cooking.
We crunch the numbers, and according to

our calculations, the rocket's going to
go up. Or, more precisely, 40 to 50 feet

in the air, then deploy a parachute and
gently waft back down to Earth. Which is

important, since we put a cricket
inside.

For science.

Do the honors.

With pleasure.

All right.

Yeah, he was.

I'm proud of you boys, although I feel
bad you lost your Saturn V.

And the cricket.

Well, he died doing what he loved.

It's a shame. It seemed like a lot of
work went into that model.

Nah, it was Frank's.

Frank's?

In the words of Sergeant Schultz, I know
nothing.

Does Frank have anything else we can
blow up?