All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E07.480p.x264-mSD[eztv]

I can't eat anymore.

Come on, just a few more bowls.

Mom said we had to finish the whole
thing before we could cut the record off

box. For breakfast back in the 70s,
parents put their trust in any tiger,

'n, or chocolate vampire who'd fill
their kids with enough sugar to send

bouncing out of the house until the
streetlights came on. Morning, Jen.

Hey, want some cereal? What record's on
the box?

Sugar Sugar by the Archies. Get back to
me when it's Zeppelin. I just walked by

Mom and Dad's door.

Lots of whispering going on. Probably a
grown -up matter that's out of our

business.

Hmm.

Nowadays, parents tend to include their
little darlings in every discussion, no

matter how intimate. Drug?

Illness? Why mommy goes on solo trips
with her personal trainer? But in 1972,

folks practiced the none -of -your -bees
-wax approach to parenting.

I'm so nervous. My hands are shaking.

Pretty sure that's the sugar.

Well, we better go find Eddie, then.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Your mom and I are going out.

You have to keep an eye on the baby.

I'm kind of busy. Unless the rest of
that sentence is finding a new place to

live. Here.

Weekday morning and Dad's missing work?

He didn't even do that when William was
born.

I remember.

It hurt my feelings.

And Mom never leaves the house unless
it's an emergency.

Maybe the house is on fire.

No, they at least take the baby.

And they tell us.

Probably.

We need to get to the bottom of this.

You two, come with me. William, stall
them. How?

Just hold their attention for a minute.
I couldn't even do that by being born.

Let's go, son. Let's do this.

Oh, hey, hey. I was wondering if I could
ask you guys something.

What? Uh, this whole Vietnam quagmire. I
mean, how do we get out of that?

I'm going to suffocate. You're small.
You don't need much air. Just keep your

ears open.

I can breathe through my ears? If you
get caught, this is all your idea.

No, I don't. have ideas.

That kid is weird.

He just reads too much. Tell him to
knock it off.

We'll be back later.

Try not to read while we're gone.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.

It's like another blessing from God.

Maybe you finally get that girl you
always wanted.

That'd be nice.

Ran out of boy's names I liked four kids
ago. Wasn't Pat supposed to be Pete?

I feel loopy on those drugs. I spelled
it wrong.

By the way, I want those drugs again.

Sleeping through it really made the
whole experience special.

Oh, it'll be special either way. I mean,
we're welcoming another blessed bundle.

Well, Peggy, false alarm.

Sorry to say you're not expecting.

Yes!

Guess we weren't so happy about another
blessed bundle.

I was happy.

But now I'm...

Happy in a different, happier way.

How's your day going, pal?

Come on, hon.

You must be a little relieved.

I am.

Are you disappointed you're not going to
get those drugs anymore?

I still have to have that cyst removed,
so I'll get the drugs.

I'm just surprised.

I thought we both wanted this, and the
truth is, neither of us did.

How many kids have we been pretending
that for?

I'd like to hear your number first, in
case it's smaller than eight.

I'm kidding.

It's weird.

You and I have never really talked about
how many kids we wanted.

We put more discussion into buying the
new toaster.

Well, a toaster's something you can do
something about. Kids just happen.

At least for us.

Should have gone with a four -slice
toaster. I know. I'm kicking myself.

This operation, it's really necessary or
is it one of those scams like when they

wanted to take out Eddie's appendix?
It's a benign fit, but I guess it is

necessary since it's what caused the
false alarm.

At least I'll get to be in the hospital
for three days.

Are you worried?

About my house being torn to pieces
while I'm gone.

As long as you'll be okay.

I should be fine.

You heard Dr. Schaaf.

Just a little cyst.

Are you sure?

That's what Mom said.

A little sister.

So irresponsible.

Our resources are overstretched as it
is. Mom and Dad should have stopped

plopping out babies three kids ago.
Nothing personal.

No, I get it. The problem is they love
each other very much. When two people

love each other, babies come. Or when
they're just bored. I like having a

sister. We can be like Jodi and Buffy on
Family Affair.

They're not really brother and sister.
They're just actors. Yeah, and so fake.

I mean, TV does that all the time. Kids
who look nothing alike pretending to be

the same family.

Guys. I just got him another problem.

Girls need privacy.

She's going to need her own room.

Buffy can sleep with Mom, and Dad can
move into our bedroom.

We have to bunk with Dad?

I hate Buffy.

You're right.

It's not a great name.

I'm going to go think of a better one. I
think maybe we should run Spaghetti and

Lawrence.

But now that I'm here, you're glad,
right?

Sure.

You're going to have to step up feeding
those kids while I'm away.

Oh, yeah, you're going to need more milk
for breakfast.

I just bought eight half gallons. It'd
be cheaper to buy a cow.

Maybe Pat would finally shut up about
that dog he wants.

They like Pop -Tarts and Eggos, too, but
you'll have to toast those.

Two at a time.

Okay, there's plenty of stuff in here
for three days' worth of dinner. Monday

night is frozen pizza and tater tots,
but don't get Pat any pizza until he

finishes all his pie.

No way she's expecting.

Pat must have heard wrong. Plus, doctors
can't even tell if it's a girl until

it's born.

If Mom was expecting...

I would know. I've got my ear pressed to
the ground.

And your nose pressed to Mom and Dad's
butt. Oh, yeah? Better than you having

yours pressed to their, uh, to their...
To their what?

You got nothing.

Yeah, if you guys are worried about
this, you should just ask Mom.

You know, she's very approachable. We
can't ask them.

This is delicate stuff.

They wouldn't tell us the truth anyway.
They think if we have too much

information, we might rise up against
them.

And they're not wrong.

Apparently, Pat has some cockamamie
shrimp allergy, so if you open a can of

Chungking shrimp chow mein, he only gets
a small portion.

Allergies. I don't know where these
doctors come up with this stuff.

You know, Mike, I've been thinking about
how we don't want another kid right

now.

There might be a way to be smart about
it. Honey, we're not allowed to be smart

about it. We're Catholics.

But there's some things we can do and
not do.

I hope you're not suggesting what I
think you're suggesting, because I like

And it's free.

So I'm not giving it up. I like that
it's free, too.

We wouldn't have to give anything up.
Just plan ahead.

Schedule it.

I'll grab the TV guide.

We can see if there's any duds on Carson
next week. It's about my schedule, not

Johnny's. There's certain days out of
the month where I'm more likely... Oh, I

see where this is going. You already get
the one week off, and now you want to

add blackout days.

I'm trying to stick to the church's
rules.

For up to me, we could try some of these
new tricks everyone's talking about.

You know, it's not just rubbers anymore,
Mike. They've got cups and rings and

pills and hoops. And the Protestants
have a whole magic show going on down

there. And they're having a pretty good
time, but we know better. Do we?

I get it. The Pope wants more Catholics.
But we've already given him almost a

whole baseball team.

Guys, guys, guys!

I have fresh intel.

Mom is going away for three days.

Three days?

Oh, and we're having lasagna on Tuesday.

What?

Lasagna's a weekend food.

None of this makes any sense.

Where would Mom go for three days?

And once she's seen the outside world,
why would she ever come back? They're in

the bedroom right now talking about it.

I feel like I'm sitting just having this
conversation.

I need to go to confession.

That's a thought.

I'll take this up with Father Dunn.
Maybe there's an option we haven't

about. One they only give you if you
make a fuss.

I'll bet he'll side with the Pope on
this one.

He knows where his bread's buttered.

Eddie,

we're going to confession. Watch the
baby.

I'm on the case.

You don't always have to say things in a
weird way.

Aye, aye, Mom.

So what do we know? Pat heard something
he didn't understand, and Mom's going

away for three days.

Don't forget with the lasagna. I told
you. The lasagna's a blind alley.

And now they're going to confession to
talk things over with Father Dunn. Then

we need ears inside that confessional.

It's time.

We'll use the kit.

Kit.

Wow. It was Joey's spy kit. Everything
we needed to crack this case wide open.

Invisible ink. A periscope. A gun that
turned into a camera. A camera that

turned into a gun. And best of all...
Disguising?

Okay, where'd you get this?

Deals were made.

Grades were changed.

Let's just say if Scotty Stancroft ever
actually becomes a doctor, I wouldn't

let him cut me open. Funny story, Scotty
Stancroft actually did become a doctor.

And he ended up on 2020.

I've spotted the subject's car.

We've lived our life one way for all
these years, believing everything the

church asks us to believe without too
much griping. And we appreciate that. We

hate the whiners. I mean, to the extent
that we're allowed to hate any of our

flock. I don't mind all the rules.

You know, it's been great not having to
think too hard about stuff, just letting

life wash over me. But now my wife has
been bringing up

questions. Oof.

Sounds rough.

You're selling me on celibacy all over
again.

The eagle has landed.

There's an eagle?

He put the microphone in her purse. Then
just say that.

Are you hungry? Why are you being so
mean to me?

You know what? I did skip lunch.

Shh.

What's she saying? All I'm hearing is
static.

Wait.

Someone's talking about the Dodgers.

They're down 4 -3 in the seventh.

It just feels like abstinence isn't
realistic for us.

And the man, God bless him, can't get
enough of me.

I want to be a good Catholic, but after
eight kids, it seems like the church

owes me some wiggle room. Uh -huh. I
feel like I'm not being heard.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

How about a few more options?

I mean, is there anything else the
church is okay with to help us not have

Yes! Oh, great.

What is it?

Oh, uh, say, four Hail Marys and one Our
Father.

Well, if that worked, we wouldn't have
Eddie.

Amazing! What?

Buckner just hit one out.

Why, Peggy!

Oh, hi, Helen. Hi.

Pretty flowers.

Yes, they're from my garden. The altar
ladies and I just doing our part.

I'm sure God loves your flowers.

I mean, he made them.

You just killed them and brought them
here.

You know, we haven't seen you in a long
time.

Maybe you should come by Monday night.

Oh, I'm having an operation on Monday.

Nothing serious, just a little ovarian
cyst.

Oh, yeah.

Dr. O 'Brien.

No, chef.

Why? Well, perhaps I shouldn't say
anything, but...

Dr. O 'Brien is a Catholic and a very
dear man.

I don't think there'll be much time for
small talk. I'm hoping to be donked out.

Well, no, what I mean is if Dr. O 'Brien
does the operation, he can do it in a

bigger way so that a cyst or anything
else can't grow down there.

It's a kindness he does for Catholic
women who have been blessed with more

their share of blessings.

I consider family planning.

How could it be?

You're having a necessary operation, the
scope of which is up to the doctor who

uses his best judgment.

Seems pretty scientific for the Catholic
Church.

You sure the church is okay with this?

Bonnie Burns actually spoke to the
bishop before getting hers, just to be

Bonnie did this? Yes. All I heard her
say is that it's something Catholic

couples do that Mom thinks is wrong, and
her friend Bonnie Burns did it. Oh, my

God. That's easy.

It's divorce.

What? Absolutely. Mrs. Burns is a tasty
divorcee. The one who wears hot pants to

mass. She's the reason I sometimes can't
stand up for communion.

It's the 70s. Divorce is the new
reality.

I don't want them getting a divorce. The
important thing is now they can compete

for our love instead of the other way
around.

Two birthdays, two Christmases, maybe a
Hanukkah.

I'm picturing mom ending up with Mr.
Cohen from the dry cleaners.

You know, all things considered, I think
the Dr. O 'Brien version of the surgery

is the way to go.

I can't even believe we're having this
conversation.

Once you're talking about letting them
take out stuff, they don't have to.

It's barbaric, and it probably costs
extra. But then we'd be done, Mike. We

could keep our life the way it is, with
no blackout days, so we don't have to

suffer. But that's what makes it so
sketchy. You do something fun, you're

supposed to get hit with a little
suffering. That's the deal. Jesus knew.

a nice dinner with his friends.

And the next day, that.

I told you, Helen and Bonnie looked into
it. They say it's fine.

Helen is a degenerate with a serious
bingo problem, and Bonnie wore a halter

to a christening. So please forgive me
if I don't look to them for moral

guidance. The bishop himself gave Bonnie
the thumbs up. Yeah, and I bet she wore

that halter top when she asked him. That
halter top really made a big impression

on you, didn't it? It was a christening.
It made it very hard for the baby to

concentrate. Look, I am struggling with
this stuff, too.

I even prayed on it.

Maybe I need to go back and talk to
Father Dunsamore. Sure. You and the

and the bishop and the doctor, all these
men, get to have big opinions about

whether or not I have another kid. No
one seems to care what I want. The only

person who's really tried to support me
in this is Helen.

And I don't even like her.

Can you hear anything?

We're arguing.

But Mom walked out, so we missed it.

Meg?

I hear crying.

Is it Dad or the baby?

Just the baby so far.

Dad's instinct was always that he should
take the lead in all important family

decisions. I can handle it. It's okay.

Go watch TV or something. I'll do what I
do. It started to dawn on Dad, however,

that each child they added to the family
meant more responsibility and more

work. And not really for him, but for
Mom.

Now Mom's back.

She just took Andy away from Dad and...

He just spit on her.

Dad spit on her?

Divorce gets ugly.

Sounds like he stopped crying.

Mom put him down in the crib. Now she's
going to the dresser. She's pulling

something out.

He's undressing. Pull me up, pull me up,
pull me up. Pull me up, pull me up,

pull me up.

A divorce, that's your new theory?

Oh, maybe the baby they were having
earlier today was them trying to save

marriage. There's evidence, okay? The
arguing, her going away, her talking

breaking church rules.

Face it.

We're going to be children of a broken
home.

I bet I could get a minibike out of
this. I blame Dad.

The way she slaves around here with no
appreciation from anyone but me. To be

fair, Mom's not exactly a day in the
park. You shut your mouth. She's a day

the park in spring.

Okay, a lot of issues here.

Some more disturbing than others. Yeah,
really?

Guys, there's an obvious way to find
out. Ah, yes.

By breaking into divorce court and
rifling through the files. We'll have to

steal a lamp or something and make it
look like a burglary, but once we get

hands on it... Or we could just ask Mom
and Dad.

Honest, regular talking without any
subterfuge or spying.

I don't understand.

How are you not in jail yet? I can pass
any lie detector test.

It didn't work, did it?

Maybe next time. We need to have a
family meeting.

About what? Where I'm going to bury your
body? I was watching that. They just

want to know what's happening around
here.

I just want to know what's happening on
Banachek.

They've been hearing a lot of whispering
and arguing.

Are you and Mom talking about divorce?

I wouldn't talk to your father about
divorce.

Just hightail it to Tijuana and send him
the papers.

Very sensible.

That's why I married you.

I'm going to Tijuana with Mom. I want to
live with Dad.

Who invited you?

Mom?

It's all calmed down. There's no point
in taking sides when we don't even know

it. I hate Dad. I want Mom.

Mostly because of her spaghetti. Nobody
likes to suck up.

But you will be getting an extra
meatball.

Let me just say, I completely support
this life decision and will be happy to

divide my time between the both of you.
Also, my love can be purchased for the

price of one minibike. I just want to be
clear that in the event of a divorce, I

don't want any of you. You're not
sticking up with me. First thing I'd do

dump all of you at Juvie Hall. Get
myself a bachelor pad.

Like Banachek. Can I come?

Absolutely. Look, I don't know where you
clowns got this crap, but your mother

and I are not getting any divorces.
Honestly.

Really? If you did, it's important to
know that it would be entirely your

You mean us kids?

No, you specifically.

He's kidding.

You'd all be to blame.

Your father and I were blissfully happy
before you animals came along, and we

won't let you beat us. No way.

We are Catholics.

We hang in till the bitter end, till one
of us stands over the other one and

watches him die.

Oh, honey, so romantic.

I mean it, Peg.

Well, maybe we can avoid any confusion
in the future if you guys were a little

bit more open with us.

Okay. Well, maybe there is one thing you
should know.

I'm going to be having an operation on
Monday.

What? I'm going to be fine.

I'm going to be gone for three days, and
then I'm coming back.

As tempting as the sweet rest of death
might be. What about all the arguing we

heard? Oh, you know how your mom gets.

When I'm being pig -headed.

There was this important decision we
were trying to make that, well, turns

is mostly not my decision at all.

It's hers.

I was wrong.

Your mom forgives me, right?

Yes, I do.

You see?

No divorce.

Turn on that check.

Get out.

This was a big deal.

My mom and dad opening up with personal
details and feelings like never before.

Um, so, the surgery you're having, what
kind of operation is it? Funny you

should ask.

It's a none -of -your -business -ectomy.

Now beat it. And then right back to
normal.

Mommy?

Yeah, Pop?

I've been thinking a lot about my new
baby sister.

Baby sister?

I named her Kathy.

It's a lot better name than Buffy.

One is great.

But listen, I don't know if you'll be
getting a baby sister, Pat.

But I really, really want one. See, I
already got Kathy a present.

Pinky Bear.

I want to give her to Kathy so she won't
feel alone being the only girl.

That's very generous of you.

If Kathy does show up one day, I'll see
that she gets this.

Thanks, Mom.

You ready for bed?

Yeah.

And I've made a decision about the
operation on Monday.

Okay.

Good.

What are you doing with that spare?

I'm trying to get this grimy thing away
from him for months.