Original subtitles

I can't eat anymore.

Come on, just a few more bowls.

Mom said we had to finish the whole thing before we could cut the record off

box. For breakfast back in the 70s, parents put their trust in any tiger,

'n, or chocolate vampire who'd fill their kids with enough sugar to send

bouncing out of the house until the streetlights came on. Morning, Jen.

Hey, want some cereal? What record's on the box?

Sugar Sugar by the Archies. Get back to me when it's Zeppelin. I just walked by

Mom and Dad's door.

Lots of whispering going on. Probably a grown -up matter that's out of our

business.

Hmm.

Nowadays, parents tend to include their little darlings in every discussion, no

matter how intimate. Drug?

Illness? Why mommy goes on solo trips with her personal trainer? But in 1972,

folks practiced the none -of -your -bees -wax approach to parenting.

I'm so nervous. My hands are shaking.

Pretty sure that's the sugar.

Well, we better go find Eddie, then.

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill.

Your mom and I are going out.

You have to keep an eye on the baby.

I'm kind of busy. Unless the rest of that sentence is finding a new place to

live. Here.

Weekday morning and Dad's missing work?

He didn't even do that when William was born.

I remember.

It hurt my feelings.

And Mom never leaves the house unless it's an emergency.

Maybe the house is on fire.

No, they at least take the baby.

And they tell us.

Probably.

We need to get to the bottom of this.

You two, come with me. William, stall them. How?

Just hold their attention for a minute. I couldn't even do that by being born.

Let's go, son. Let's do this.

Oh, hey, hey. I was wondering if I could ask you guys something.

What? Uh, this whole Vietnam quagmire. I mean, how do we get out of that?

I'm going to suffocate. You're small. You don't need much air. Just keep your

ears open.

I can breathe through my ears? If you get caught, this is all your idea.

No, I don't. have ideas.

That kid is weird.

He just reads too much. Tell him to knock it off.

We'll be back later.

Try not to read while we're gone.

Okay.

No, no, no, no.

It's like another blessing from God.

Maybe you finally get that girl you always wanted.

That'd be nice.

Ran out of boy's names I liked four kids ago. Wasn't Pat supposed to be Pete?

I feel loopy on those drugs. I spelled it wrong.

By the way, I want those drugs again.

Sleeping through it really made the whole experience special.

Oh, it'll be special either way. I mean, we're welcoming another blessed bundle.

Well, Peggy, false alarm.

Sorry to say you're not expecting.

Yes!

Guess we weren't so happy about another blessed bundle.

I was happy.

But now I'm...

Happy in a different, happier way.

How's your day going, pal?

Come on, hon.

You must be a little relieved.

I am.

Are you disappointed you're not going to get those drugs anymore?

I still have to have that cyst removed, so I'll get the drugs.

I'm just surprised.

I thought we both wanted this, and the truth is, neither of us did.

How many kids have we been pretending that for?

I'd like to hear your number first, in case it's smaller than eight.

I'm kidding.

It's weird.

You and I have never really talked about how many kids we wanted.

We put more discussion into buying the new toaster.

Well, a toaster's something you can do something about. Kids just happen.

At least for us.

Should have gone with a four -slice toaster. I know. I'm kicking myself.

This operation, it's really necessary or is it one of those scams like when they

wanted to take out Eddie's appendix? It's a benign fit, but I guess it is

necessary since it's what caused the false alarm.

At least I'll get to be in the hospital for three days.

Are you worried?

About my house being torn to pieces while I'm gone.

As long as you'll be okay.

I should be fine.

You heard Dr. Schaaf.

Just a little cyst.

Are you sure?

That's what Mom said.

A little sister.

So irresponsible.

Our resources are overstretched as it is. Mom and Dad should have stopped

plopping out babies three kids ago. Nothing personal.

No, I get it. The problem is they love each other very much. When two people

love each other, babies come. Or when they're just bored. I like having a

sister. We can be like Jodi and Buffy on Family Affair.

They're not really brother and sister. They're just actors. Yeah, and so fake.

I mean, TV does that all the time. Kids who look nothing alike pretending to be

the same family.

Guys. I just got him another problem.

Girls need privacy.

She's going to need her own room.

Buffy can sleep with Mom, and Dad can move into our bedroom.

We have to bunk with Dad?

I hate Buffy.

You're right.

It's not a great name.

I'm going to go think of a better one. I think maybe we should run Spaghetti and

Lawrence.

But now that I'm here, you're glad, right?

Sure.

You're going to have to step up feeding those kids while I'm away.

Oh, yeah, you're going to need more milk for breakfast.

I just bought eight half gallons. It'd be cheaper to buy a cow.

Maybe Pat would finally shut up about that dog he wants.

They like Pop -Tarts and Eggos, too, but you'll have to toast those.

Two at a time.

Okay, there's plenty of stuff in here for three days' worth of dinner. Monday

night is frozen pizza and tater tots, but don't get Pat any pizza until he

finishes all his pie.

No way she's expecting.

Pat must have heard wrong. Plus, doctors can't even tell if it's a girl until

it's born.

If Mom was expecting...

I would know. I've got my ear pressed to the ground.

And your nose pressed to Mom and Dad's butt. Oh, yeah? Better than you having

yours pressed to their, uh, to their... To their what?

You got nothing.

Yeah, if you guys are worried about this, you should just ask Mom.

You know, she's very approachable. We can't ask them.

This is delicate stuff.

They wouldn't tell us the truth anyway. They think if we have too much

information, we might rise up against them.

And they're not wrong.

Apparently, Pat has some cockamamie shrimp allergy, so if you open a can of

Chungking shrimp chow mein, he only gets a small portion.

Allergies. I don't know where these doctors come up with this stuff.

You know, Mike, I've been thinking about how we don't want another kid right

now.

There might be a way to be smart about it. Honey, we're not allowed to be smart

about it. We're Catholics.

But there's some things we can do and not do.

I hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, because I like

And it's free.

So I'm not giving it up. I like that it's free, too.

We wouldn't have to give anything up. Just plan ahead.

Schedule it.

I'll grab the TV guide.

We can see if there's any duds on Carson next week. It's about my schedule, not

Johnny's. There's certain days out of the month where I'm more likely... Oh, I

see where this is going. You already get the one week off, and now you want to

add blackout days.

I'm trying to stick to the church's rules.

For up to me, we could try some of these new tricks everyone's talking about.

You know, it's not just rubbers anymore, Mike. They've got cups and rings and

pills and hoops. And the Protestants have a whole magic show going on down

there. And they're having a pretty good time, but we know better. Do we?

I get it. The Pope wants more Catholics. But we've already given him almost a

whole baseball team.

Guys, guys, guys!

I have fresh intel.

Mom is going away for three days.

Three days?

Oh, and we're having lasagna on Tuesday.

What?

Lasagna's a weekend food.

None of this makes any sense.

Where would Mom go for three days?

And once she's seen the outside world, why would she ever come back? They're in

the bedroom right now talking about it.

I feel like I'm sitting just having this conversation.

I need to go to confession.

That's a thought.

I'll take this up with Father Dunn. Maybe there's an option we haven't

about. One they only give you if you make a fuss.

I'll bet he'll side with the Pope on this one.

He knows where his bread's buttered.

Eddie,

we're going to confession. Watch the baby.

I'm on the case.

You don't always have to say things in a weird way.

Aye, aye, Mom.

So what do we know? Pat heard something he didn't understand, and Mom's going

away for three days.

Don't forget with the lasagna. I told you. The lasagna's a blind alley.

And now they're going to confession to talk things over with Father Dunn. Then

we need ears inside that confessional.

It's time.

We'll use the kit.

Kit.

Wow. It was Joey's spy kit. Everything we needed to crack this case wide open.

Invisible ink. A periscope. A gun that turned into a camera. A camera that

turned into a gun. And best of all... Disguising?

Okay, where'd you get this?

Deals were made.

Grades were changed.

Let's just say if Scotty Stancroft ever actually becomes a doctor, I wouldn't

let him cut me open. Funny story, Scotty Stancroft actually did become a doctor.

And he ended up on 2020.

I've spotted the subject's car.

We've lived our life one way for all these years, believing everything the

church asks us to believe without too much griping. And we appreciate that. We

hate the whiners. I mean, to the extent that we're allowed to hate any of our

flock. I don't mind all the rules.

You know, it's been great not having to think too hard about stuff, just letting

life wash over me. But now my wife has been bringing up

questions. Oof.

Sounds rough.

You're selling me on celibacy all over again.

The eagle has landed.

There's an eagle?

He put the microphone in her purse. Then just say that.

Are you hungry? Why are you being so mean to me?

You know what? I did skip lunch.

Shh.

What's she saying? All I'm hearing is static.

Wait.

Someone's talking about the Dodgers.

They're down 4 -3 in the seventh.

It just feels like abstinence isn't realistic for us.

And the man, God bless him, can't get enough of me.

I want to be a good Catholic, but after eight kids, it seems like the church

owes me some wiggle room. Uh -huh. I feel like I'm not being heard.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

How about a few more options?

I mean, is there anything else the church is okay with to help us not have

Yes! Oh, great.

What is it?

Oh, uh, say, four Hail Marys and one Our Father.

Well, if that worked, we wouldn't have Eddie.

Amazing! What?

Buckner just hit one out.

Why, Peggy!

Oh, hi, Helen. Hi.

Pretty flowers.

Yes, they're from my garden. The altar ladies and I just doing our part.

I'm sure God loves your flowers.

I mean, he made them.

You just killed them and brought them here.

You know, we haven't seen you in a long time.

Maybe you should come by Monday night.

Oh, I'm having an operation on Monday.

Nothing serious, just a little ovarian cyst.

Oh, yeah.

Dr. O 'Brien.

No, chef.

Why? Well, perhaps I shouldn't say anything, but...

Dr. O 'Brien is a Catholic and a very dear man.

I don't think there'll be much time for small talk. I'm hoping to be donked out.

Well, no, what I mean is if Dr. O 'Brien does the operation, he can do it in a

bigger way so that a cyst or anything else can't grow down there.

It's a kindness he does for Catholic women who have been blessed with more

their share of blessings.

I consider family planning.

How could it be?

You're having a necessary operation, the scope of which is up to the doctor who

uses his best judgment.

Seems pretty scientific for the Catholic Church.

You sure the church is okay with this?

Bonnie Burns actually spoke to the bishop before getting hers, just to be

Bonnie did this? Yes. All I heard her say is that it's something Catholic

couples do that Mom thinks is wrong, and her friend Bonnie Burns did it. Oh, my

God. That's easy.

It's divorce.

What? Absolutely. Mrs. Burns is a tasty divorcee. The one who wears hot pants to

mass. She's the reason I sometimes can't stand up for communion.

It's the 70s. Divorce is the new reality.

I don't want them getting a divorce. The important thing is now they can compete

for our love instead of the other way around.

Two birthdays, two Christmases, maybe a Hanukkah.

I'm picturing mom ending up with Mr. Cohen from the dry cleaners.

You know, all things considered, I think the Dr. O 'Brien version of the surgery

is the way to go.

I can't even believe we're having this conversation.

Once you're talking about letting them take out stuff, they don't have to.

It's barbaric, and it probably costs extra. But then we'd be done, Mike. We

could keep our life the way it is, with no blackout days, so we don't have to

suffer. But that's what makes it so sketchy. You do something fun, you're

supposed to get hit with a little suffering. That's the deal. Jesus knew.

a nice dinner with his friends.

And the next day, that.

I told you, Helen and Bonnie looked into it. They say it's fine.

Helen is a degenerate with a serious bingo problem, and Bonnie wore a halter

to a christening. So please forgive me if I don't look to them for moral

guidance. The bishop himself gave Bonnie the thumbs up. Yeah, and I bet she wore

that halter top when she asked him. That halter top really made a big impression

on you, didn't it? It was a christening. It made it very hard for the baby to

concentrate. Look, I am struggling with this stuff, too.

I even prayed on it.

Maybe I need to go back and talk to Father Dunsamore. Sure. You and the

and the bishop and the doctor, all these men, get to have big opinions about

whether or not I have another kid. No one seems to care what I want. The only

person who's really tried to support me in this is Helen.

And I don't even like her.

Can you hear anything?

We're arguing.

But Mom walked out, so we missed it.

Meg?

I hear crying.

Is it Dad or the baby?

Just the baby so far.

Dad's instinct was always that he should take the lead in all important family

decisions. I can handle it. It's okay.

Go watch TV or something. I'll do what I do. It started to dawn on Dad, however,

that each child they added to the family meant more responsibility and more

work. And not really for him, but for Mom.

Now Mom's back.

She just took Andy away from Dad and...

He just spit on her.

Dad spit on her?

Divorce gets ugly.

Sounds like he stopped crying.

Mom put him down in the crib. Now she's going to the dresser. She's pulling

something out.

He's undressing. Pull me up, pull me up, pull me up. Pull me up, pull me up,

pull me up.

A divorce, that's your new theory?

Oh, maybe the baby they were having earlier today was them trying to save

marriage. There's evidence, okay? The arguing, her going away, her talking

breaking church rules.

Face it.

We're going to be children of a broken home.

I bet I could get a minibike out of this. I blame Dad.

The way she slaves around here with no appreciation from anyone but me. To be

fair, Mom's not exactly a day in the park. You shut your mouth. She's a day

the park in spring.

Okay, a lot of issues here.

Some more disturbing than others. Yeah, really?

Guys, there's an obvious way to find out. Ah, yes.

By breaking into divorce court and rifling through the files. We'll have to

steal a lamp or something and make it look like a burglary, but once we get

hands on it... Or we could just ask Mom and Dad.

Honest, regular talking without any subterfuge or spying.

I don't understand.

How are you not in jail yet? I can pass any lie detector test.

It didn't work, did it?

Maybe next time. We need to have a family meeting.

About what? Where I'm going to bury your body? I was watching that. They just

want to know what's happening around here.

I just want to know what's happening on Banachek.

They've been hearing a lot of whispering and arguing.

Are you and Mom talking about divorce?

I wouldn't talk to your father about divorce.

Just hightail it to Tijuana and send him the papers.

Very sensible.

That's why I married you.

I'm going to Tijuana with Mom. I want to live with Dad.

Who invited you?

Mom?

It's all calmed down. There's no point in taking sides when we don't even know

it. I hate Dad. I want Mom.

Mostly because of her spaghetti. Nobody likes to suck up.

But you will be getting an extra meatball.

Let me just say, I completely support this life decision and will be happy to

divide my time between the both of you. Also, my love can be purchased for the

price of one minibike. I just want to be clear that in the event of a divorce, I

don't want any of you. You're not sticking up with me. First thing I'd do

dump all of you at Juvie Hall. Get myself a bachelor pad.

Like Banachek. Can I come?

Absolutely. Look, I don't know where you clowns got this crap, but your mother

and I are not getting any divorces. Honestly.

Really? If you did, it's important to know that it would be entirely your

You mean us kids?

No, you specifically.

He's kidding.

You'd all be to blame.

Your father and I were blissfully happy before you animals came along, and we

won't let you beat us. No way.

We are Catholics.

We hang in till the bitter end, till one of us stands over the other one and

watches him die.

Oh, honey, so romantic.

I mean it, Peg.

Well, maybe we can avoid any confusion in the future if you guys were a little

bit more open with us.

Okay. Well, maybe there is one thing you should know.

I'm going to be having an operation on Monday.

What? I'm going to be fine.

I'm going to be gone for three days, and then I'm coming back.

As tempting as the sweet rest of death might be. What about all the arguing we

heard? Oh, you know how your mom gets.

When I'm being pig -headed.

There was this important decision we were trying to make that, well, turns

is mostly not my decision at all.

It's hers.

I was wrong.

Your mom forgives me, right?

Yes, I do.

You see?

No divorce.

Turn on that check.

Get out.

This was a big deal.

My mom and dad opening up with personal details and feelings like never before.

Um, so, the surgery you're having, what kind of operation is it? Funny you

should ask.

It's a none -of -your -business -ectomy.

Now beat it. And then right back to normal.

Mommy?

Yeah, Pop?

I've been thinking a lot about my new baby sister.

Baby sister?

I named her Kathy.

It's a lot better name than Buffy.

One is great.

But listen, I don't know if you'll be getting a baby sister, Pat.

But I really, really want one. See, I already got Kathy a present.

Pinky Bear.

I want to give her to Kathy so she won't feel alone being the only girl.

That's very generous of you.

If Kathy does show up one day, I'll see that she gets this.

Thanks, Mom.

You ready for bed?

Yeah.

And I've made a decision about the operation on Monday.

Okay.

Good.

What are you doing with that spare?

I'm trying to get this grimy thing away from him for months.