Original subtitles

During the day, my parents were fine with us kids wandering the streets like

feral cats.

It was the 70s and there were a lot of us.

But at night, they couldn't sleep until all of us were home and absolutely no

danger of being out having any fun.

Eddie, you, me, confession. Let's go.

I'm good.

No, you're not.

I'll go to confession with you. Have you done anything wrong?

No. How about we don't waste Father Dunn's time?

See,

that roughhousing and your father's income is why we can't have nice things.

Oh, Mrs. Strasser. Listen, I gave Mike your petition about the new Persians in

the neighborhood, but I don't know if he's looked at it yet. Well, I'm not

about that, but I'm going to Bakersfield for a week, and I wondered if the boys

could do a little yard work. Working for Mrs. Strasser was sweet. Mrs.

Strasser's here.

Ka -ching. Joey took his cut and then subcontracted the actual work to me and

William. Everyone getting their beaks wet. Hello, Mrs.

Strasser. Always such a pleasure. Hello, Eddie.

Joey. Joey, sorry.

Oh, gosh, don't be. Hardly matters which one they are. Mrs. Strasser's going

away for a week. I know. the drill, a little yard work, raking, watering, pull

the occasional dead squirrel from the birdbath, and no more bringing them home

to make into puppets.

I thought that was going to be a better idea than it was.

Now, was that five or six dollars last time? I believe you insisted on ten.

That won't be necessary, ma 'am. Would you come out? Oh, he's lurking.

I'd be happy to do it. For free.

What the? I think neighbors should be neighborly, and a good deed is its own

reward. He spreads it on a little thick, but he's saving you ten bucks.

That's very kind of you, Frank.

Thank you, ma 'am.

Oh, and with that petition, Persian people are Persian cats. It might make a

difference to Mike.

Hey, D -Bag, thanks for screwing me over on the Strausser job.

I'm being a decent human being. You should try it sometime.

Pasadena? What's really going on here? I don't see the upside of doing free yard

work for some dumb old lady.

Eileen Strausser has a degree in library science from Cal State Fullerton. We

should all be so dumb.

It's very upsetting you know all that.

She makes a nice sun tea.

We talk.

You notice how I ease down when I stop? It's less wear on the brake shoes.

Instead of stomping on them like an ape. What do you kids do?

I see.

I'll definitely... I was your age once, too, you know.

Also interested in the company of girls.

It's a normal, built -in thing.

3 a .m.?

I don't want to know that nonsense between you and Father Dunn and the

confessional.

It's the value I get for my donation plate dollar.

Tucked through with the priest like you would any other sin.

Just like you'd have to confess it and say you stole or you murdered or you, I

don't know, walked into Parsons Pharmacy today.

Bought a pack of condoms.

All those things.

Stealing, murder, rubbers.

All mortal sins equally condemned by me and by God.

You keep them behind the counter.

So you have to ask the guy.

But it's wrong.

Can't emphasize that enough.

Wrong and behind the counter.

Bottom line, you get into confessional, you spill your guts.

Clean slate.

That's why Jesus died, so the Catholics get do -overs.

How about that?

Parsons Pharmacy is just a block away.

Look here.

Marmaduke drags spaghetti all over the house.

Once again affirming my decision that we do not want a dog. Did you make a note

of what time our son got home last night? I have eight sons.

It's so real when I say it. Eddie, the one with the girlfriend.

No one cares how late Pat stays out trying to make friends with that possum.

need to clamp down on Eddie. I dealt with him on that.

You dealt with him?

Yeah. I know what time he came home. We talked.

It's been handled. My father had been very pleased with his delicate handling

Eddie, but he knew if my mom found out what he told Eddie, she would not share

his enthusiasm.

You sure you said enough? I said the exact right number of words.

You're going to have to give me some latitude on this one, Peg. It's not the

kind of thing where a boy wants to include his mom.

You get a wheelchair for Christmas instead of a pig wheel. I'm getting a

wheel? No. Now get down.

Let the boy climb a tree, Peg.

Don't fall. And survive and learn something.

That's how it works with boys and trees. Oh. One falls out of the other and

everybody ends up fine.

Is that what you said to Eddie, too? It's okay if he falls off, Wendy? I gave

him enough facts so he could work things out for himself. You trust Eddie to

work things out? He's the most like Marmaduke of all our sons.

Why read the comics if you're not going to learn? from them. It's better than

babying them like you do. Oh. It's a crazy new fad of supervising your kids.

I want these boys leaving this house standing on their own two feet in their

two shoes that I won't have to pay for. I saw this ABC after school special on

ABC after school one day and this handsome young couple had to give up

dream of being an ice dancing team because she was skating for two. That

happen. Not with Eddie's weak ankles. He can't skate worth crap. I ended up in a

trailer park in Iowa.

Now what did you say to Eddie?

I said enough, Peg.

Now leave it alone.

It's been handled.

My dad laid down the law. He made it very clear he didn't want her discussing

this topic with Eddie.

But he didn't say anything about Eddie's girlfriend.

Wendy, how nice to see you.

Come on in.

What are they doing? It's like a billion degrees out there.

Who's he trying to impress?

Mom was there when he took the job. Maybe Frank's sucking up to Mom.

What does that get him? Love.

That's dumb. Mom has to love us, no matter what. Dad, too. Got them over a

barrel. Maybe it's because of Father Dunn's sermon on Sunday. No idea. I was

busy playing pew footsie with Kathy Petrillo.

It was about how God is impressed by selfless acts of kindness.

Maybe Frank is doing a pure good deed.

Not buying it. He's got an angle.

But Father Dunn said that... John probably has an angle, too.

Either way, you guys should be freaking out. What if this whole working for free

scam catches on?

Everybody helping everybody. What kind of a world is that? A utopia. Exactly.

It screws up things for all of us.

Timmy, how would you like it if Frank put on free puppet shows?

He doesn't have the imagination or the dexterity. But parents are cheap, so if

he doesn't charge, there goes the money for your tap dance lessons.

I need those.

You think Frank cares?

He's not a friend of musical theater.

And what about you? What if one of those stupid books you like comes out and you

can't afford to buy it? The library is free. The library is disgusting.

It's where books go to get boogered. Trying to pretend those are insects.

We need our neighborhood shore money, and the bottom will fall out of that

economy if we don't stop Frank.

So who's with me? I'm in! Me too! I like the enthusiasm.

I might have a couple of side projects for you.

Another date with Wendy? Her folks are out of town. We got the place to

ourselves. Pretty sure I'm gonna get lucky.

Lucky? Wow.

It's not the most enlightened attitude.

There's a girl you care about, man. On a blackjack table.

I mean, I just feel lucky to be dating her.

You were talking about sex.

Whoa. Nice talk, seminarian. You take communion with that mouth? It's a new

man. You know, we need to start being more open about sexuality.

Now you just made the word longer.

Have you even consulted Wendy about your plans for tonight?

No. We don't talk about that stuff.

She's a nice girl. That's old thinking, man. You don't want to be all uptight

like Mom and Dad.

You keep it real with Wendy, it's going to make your connection that much deeper

when the two of you... Please don't say it. I was just going to say make love.

That's the worst one of all.

And now I add the flavor packet.

Of course you wouldn't have to learn all this, college girl. You'll have fancy

maids sprinkling your flavor packets for you. Well, I am hoping to have a

career. Don't let anything derail that, dear.

Hate to see you make a shameful mistake and end up in some trailer park in Iowa.

What? Why am I in Iowa? Exactly what Pamela Sue Martin said in Dancing on

Ice. Who on earth would be calling me right now?

Uh, Wendy, uh, Eddie and I were just talking about you. I mean, nothing in

particular, just life and all its wonders.

Put her there.

Cleary, resident.

Mrs. Cleary, Bob Parthen, Parthen's Pharmacy.

Oh, hello, Bob. I just thought you might be interested that your son Eddie came

in today, and he purchased.

Really?

I see. He bought binoculars, too, so connect those dots.

Plus a Mars bar.

I'm not sure yet how that factors in. I'll take it from here. Thank you.

So, what do you and Eddie have planned for tonight?

Uh, nothing special.

Well, that's ideal, because I've suddenly got an extra $9 ticket to the

fashion show. It's for Spina Bifida. Should be fun.

Oh, you're here.

Yeah, and we've just been having gobs of fun without you. It's like, who needs

Eddie? Not us.

I'm so glad you brought this one home. She's like the daughter I always wanted

who made it to full term.

So, what exactly did you have planned for her tonight?

Bowling.

Bowling? That's dumb.

We're going to the fashion show instead.

Top them in deep breaths for bowling.

Was Frank really working so hard for Mrs. Strasser just to be a good person?

only reward, some small talk while sipping sun tea with a retired

Who's to say?

Not in a pile, but kick him around.

The possibility so offended Joey that he decided to sabotage him. Where's

William? I don't think he's coming.

Pat, you've been promoted as spreading dog poo.

You got all of this from dogs?

Mostly.

She's a lady.

Oh, oh, oh, she's a lady.

That pantsuit is so chic.

She looks like the Charlie girl.

I'm so sure about the hemline.

Why buy the cow if the cow's dressed like a strumpet?

It's fun if the girl feels confident.

Well, she'd have to feel confident that she's wearing clean underpants.

Those platform shoes.

I enjoy being as tall as Eddie. But teetering around in crazy circus shoes

unnecessarily risky for a young girl.

Almost as risky as having premarital relations.

Well, now that you've got us talking about that, are you fornicating with my

Eddie?

Well, I was really enjoying talking about shoes.

Mrs. Cleary, Eddie and I have never done any of that, and we have no plans to.

You may not have plans to, honey, but he does.

Intimate relations.

It's a rational drive with men. They use it to feel less alone.

And so they can pretend to be part of this whole creating life thing, which we

basically do without them. I like that poncho. I'd wear that.

I think intimate relations can be a drive for women, too.

Not a drive I plan to do anything about until I'm in a committed relationship.

You mean the sacrament of merit. Anything less is just trying to pull a

on Jesus. Plus she don't get the tax benefit.

But I don't like this notion that all men are just trying to get something and

it's our job to resist.

That's how it's always been.

Men like making the first move.

From home.

Hey.

What's going on?

Watching Johnny.

Really funny car night tonight.

You're correct, sir.

I was thinking maybe we should go to bed early.

No, you go ahead. Rickles is coming up, and then Sammy Davis Jr.

after, so, you know.

Guys, I saw Frank heading over to throw up this place. When he sees what we did

last night, he's going to drop a load.

I might need a new grocery bag.

I even threw some pool over the fence and talked.

You really don't get this, do you? I don't, but I love it. You guys are my

friends.

Did you wash your hands?

We ran out of bacon, so I dipped some jerky in syrup.

I think I invented a thing.

Hey, uh, about last night, you know, you wanting to...

You complaining?

No. Heck no.

It's just new. We usually don't do new.

Well, you like your new maple jerky, don't you?

It's a little scary.

Hey. Hey.

I'm sorry about last night.

Me going off with your mom. I don't know. Maybe it was for the best.

I was talking about you and me with Lawrence.

What about you and me? I'd been cooking up all these plans in my head about you

and me having, you know, S -E -X.

But it hadn't even occurred to me to talk to you.

Well, if you keep spelling out the naughty words, it might be a very long

I guess I'm just curious what in particular aroused your interest. Is it

I asked about your day earlier?

Because I...

Could do that more often. Just been thinking about how things are changing

women. And some of it's good. Running marathons and having our own brand of

cigarettes. But it was also something Wendy said.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're talking to Eddie's girlfriend about our S -E -X

activities? Wendy is a very smart, modern, young woman.

If she's smart, what's she doing with Eddie?

Hmm.

Maybe me messing up like this is an indication that we just aren't ready

Maybe. Or...

Maybe not.

What do you mean?

I was also thinking we weren't ready. I was waiting to feel respected.

Waiting for you to grow up. Which, now that we've talked it through a bit,

you have.

Oh, I've definitely grown up. I've grown up so much, I already hate all the

music these kids are listening to these days. It's just noise.

There he is.

It's happening, it's happening!

What the... We're here from the waterworks!

I almost feel bad for him.

Wait.

What's he doing?

He's just going back to work.

But where's the tears?

Where's the rage?

Spike went in the hood down in the hood while still staying even though they

didn't get presents.

Well, I'm not done yet.

Wait for it.

Whoa!

Hold on!

William?

What? is going on.

Joey stood and he watched, not knowing what to do, as his brothers raked leaves

and great piles of poo.

Then a sound rose up from the yard down below.

It started in low, then it started to grow.

Yard work, Strasser.

Yard work, welcome. Hard work for no pay.

Up in his treehouse, Joey puzzled and puzzled. He just couldn't fathom why

did what he does.

Welcome, welcome.

Yard work, hard work.

Breaking leaves will be our tent as long as we have

rakes to crack.

Then Joey thought a new thought he hadn't before.

Maybe it was a good feeling Frank got from this chore, the kind of good

you can't buy from a store.

I guess Frank really was just doing that out of kindness.

Plus, I suppose it's like Father Dunn said, good deeds help eliminate temporal

punishment.

What's that?

Well, selfless deeds help reduce the amount of time you have to spend in

purgatory after you die.

The more good deeds, the quicker you get into heaven. And what happened then?

Well, at our house they say...

Joey's tiny heart shrunk three sizes that day.

So that's his angle.

This bum is scamming to get into heaven before me. I'll be cooling my heels in

purgatory while he's tossing a football with Abe Lincoln?

No way.

Lemons! Hard work, yard work.

I wasn't talking to Wendy about us. It was about things she's doing with Eddie.

Damn it. I told you that Eddie business was handled. Why couldn't you keep your

nose out of it? Because it wasn't handled. Did you know he bought rubbers?

Yes. I gave him some information in that area. But I sent him a confession after

so it's like it never happened. Great. Now Father Dunn will know I failed and

stink on me from the altar. Like it or not, he's a teenage boy.

We have to let him work stuff out for himself.

Teenage boys are idiots, Mike.

And Eddie's not even cream of that crop.

You're okay.

I'll catch you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened to letting them work things out

themselves? That doesn't apply to this. Sure. I gave him the information not to

climb up there, remember?

Now, according to your thinking, let things play out. This is different.

Eddie's 18.

He can handle more. But Eddie's consequences are worse.

Are you kidding? From that height, Pat could break his legs or even die.

I could die?

Mind your own business. Adult's talking.

Honey, you're a great mom, and you want to protect your kids.

I'm slipping.

What did I say?

But it has to be case.

By case.

Sometimes maybe we do weigh in. And sometimes we have to let these idiots

the dumb decisions they're going to make and just hope for divine providence.

Okay.

That makes sense.

What?

Really?

You mean I won one?

You convinced me. Wow.

With this and last night, you're full of surprises.

What did I tell you about going up there?

Sorry. Could have broken your neck. And then how would you walk around

Disneyland? We're going to Disneyland?

No.

I saw that crying and yelling about earlier.

Well, kids are whipping snakes at each other. Again?

What do they keep getting?

Never mind.

Snakes weren't poisonous, I don't think, so I stayed out of it.

Like I said, Peg, you're a great mom.

Watch out, honey. Morning breath.

Try my goat.