All language subtitles for Rare Beasts (2021) [24.FPS Time-1.31.47]

[murmur of voices,
cutlery scraping]

[crockery smashes]

[women laughing]

[murmur of voices]

[jazz and tap play]

Mmm.

Weed.

Why did I do that?
I was being bold.

That's why my mouth is...

...dry. Water!

[jazz and tap play]

I always worry that weed
will make me idle, you know.

Indecisive or less ambitious,
which would be awful.

[man] Well, you seem happy.

-Well, happier.
-Relaxed.

-No, I'm just tired really.
-Spirited.

Self-conscious.

Go on then, eat it.

Eat to your heart's content.

Eat till your hands
swell so much

you can't handle the cutlery.

-Another bread basket?
-Yes, please.

[jazz and tap play]

So why are you single, Pete? Ah!

What's not to love about Pete?

Ah, well, I'm just
going to be plain with you.

I find women,
in the main, intolerable,

but I realise that
I can't live without one.

No, I won't live without one.

Right.

[jazz plays]

My parents, I mean, it's hard
to find a love like that.

You know, well-hung.

I wanna feel lonesome when
my woman leaves the room.

-No, you don't.
-He does that, my dad.

He sort of hovers by the door
while my mother takes a moment.

-God, how stifling.
-Or just lovely.

No.

[jazz plays]

Mandy, uh...

I want to be
straight with you. Um...

-I'm a man of faith.
-You're fucking joking.

No, I am a religious enthusiast.

What a strange thing to say.

-It's nice. I live with hope.
-Do you?

-Just saying, I'm a believer.
-Well, I'm...

[woman laughing, Pete coughs]

[jazz plays]

Let's just be honest here...

That seems to be
the measure of things.

I have no reason
to appeal to you.

-Then why are you here?
-I don't know, Pete.

-Cos I found you interesting.
-Not enough to suck me off?

[jazz plays]

In the spirit of honesty, Pete,

you should know
I give really bad blowjobs.

-You do have a lot of teeth.
-No, my...

my teeth are just big.
It's deceiving.

I actually have the correct
number of teeth in my head. 32.

What have you got in there,
a little bag of shrapnel?

I can see your
bloody nerve endings.

If we had a child, we might
actually produce something

with average-sized teeth.

Well, that would be
a wonderful accomplishment.

Uh, you already
have a child, right?

-Yeah.
-What are his teeth like?

-Dickensian.
-[they laugh]

And where's
the bastard's father?

Ugh!

You set the tone, love,
with all that blowjob jive.

When you look at my mouth,

do you think it would
be anything shy of toothy?

What do you want, Pete?

Do you want teeth by day,
gums by night?

You want me
in a set of dentures.

Let's just wrap this evening up

with the strap line
"grounds for marriage".

No, I don't want to
fucking talk about marriage.

No, I mean, this feels like

the beginning
of some missionary shit.

-God is love.
-Religious persuasion.

I don't wanna marry you.
You'd be a shit wife.

-Yeah, I would.
-You're a modern woman.

You want people to think
what you say matters.

You want your dinner
on the table, right?

-Yeah.
-Jesus!

You talk of men wanting
gummy blowjobs.

Women want more head than ever.

Less intimacy, more head!

More head. Shit!

Women these days
have got more testosterone

coursing through their veins
than blood.

Oh, my God.

Mm.

You're gonna...

You're gonna rape me tonight,
aren't you?

I mean, those are
classic rapist remarks.

Uh...

-I've made you uncomfortable.
-No, I feel incredibly relaxed.

Now, should I get the bill,
or does that guarantee a raping?

-I'll get the fucking bill.
-OK. Thank you.

You'll marry me in a year.

Unlikely.

-Oh, come on. We get on.
-[Mandy retches]

I don't want this to be some
three-year arrangement where

you're haemorrhaging
your youth to no end.

Work will do that, modern woman.

Let's just say that if,
after a year,

we're undecided about marriage

then we'll just...
we'll part company.

I could see that coming,
you ate like a pig.

Come on, please.

Just think about me all night.
I pretty much adore you.

Taxi!

I'm gonna go home and wank over
your Instagram pictures, OK?

But only the ones
with your mouth closed.

Well, I'll look into dentures
in the morning.

It's a deal-breaker.

[waltz music plays]

[door slams,
music stops abruptly]

[gentle music plays]

[woman coughing]

[coughing continues]

-Mum.
-Mandy.

[Mum coughing]

What time did he go to bed?

7:00pm on the dot.
No fucking around.

Your dad called.

-What did he say?
-A loan was unlikely.

Are you drunk?

It's the HRT. It makes me slur.

Anyway, I'm off to see
the solicitor on Friday.

So, I'll know once and for all.

Be good to know one way
or another, do I get a house.

This Pete... are his parents
still together?

Oh, I assume so.
They're religious.

No, they're not!

-Catholics?
-Unclear.

-Will he practise safe sex?
-We're not having sex.

Oh, God. You don't want
another fucking kid.

It's platonic.

You know, I don't...

I've never used a condom.
Never ever.

Nope. Not once.

Well, you should probably
get tested, Mum.

I mean, Dad, fucking hell.

[sighs heavily]
Right, I'm gonna go to bed.

I love you, Mum.

I got stoned tonight.

Was it fun? You deserve it,
love. You're lovely.

[dog barks in the distance]

[bird cooing, traffic noise]

[alarm clock beeping]

Even though I feel scared...

and angry...

[nervous laugh]

Even though I feel
scared and angry,

I still love...

I still love and respect myself.

Love and accept myself.

[coughing]

[coughs and retches]

[school bell rings]

OK, come on. Listen.

You listening?
This is gonna be a great day...

-[Mandy's speech muffled]
-La-la, la-la.

Are you listening?

[Mandy's speech muffled]

[muffled] Larch.
Larch, do you understand me?

[muffled speech]
If something is unclear...

Larch.

[car horn beeps]

-I love you.
-Yeah.

I love you.

Give me a kiss.

Bye!

You look like a joker, love.

I'm just really happy.

You fuck!

Handy!

-It's Mandy.
-Yeah.

Tall triple-shot soya latte.

-No fucking foam.
-Is there coffee in that?

-That coffee is almost illegal.
-It's important to me...

Gloria!

-Oh.
-Agh! Shit! Agh!

-Fuck!
-Did you not see me?

-No, I was turned the other way.
-Right, yeah.

-I'm fucking burnt, you know?
-You're fine!

Agh! Fuck!

[man] Sorry!

[woman] Even though
I'm spineless and tired,

I still love and respect myself.

[woman 2] Even though
I'm old, I'm so old...

[woman 3] Even though I'm shy,
I still love and respect myself.

[babble of voices]
Love and respect myself.

-Love and respect myself.
-Even though I ate the cake,

I still love and respect myself.

[babble of voices]
Money, cock, promotion.

[Mandy] Even though I'm clumsy,

even though I'm fucking
clumsy and late...

I still love and respect myself.

Love and respect myself.

[women's voices]
Money, cock, promotion...

I still love and respect myself.
-Money, cock, promotion.

[women's voices] Success,
achievements, progression,

money, cock, promotion.

[man] Mandy.

How big do you dream?

The biggest. You know that.

But are you dreaming
as big as those cats out there?

I like to think so.

Look, I know you have a kid.

We all do, and we know that's

both an enormous advantage

-and a crippling disadvantage.
-It has its moments.

-You're late, every day.
-Except today.

Your work, your manner.

You're angry, seething. You know
people are calling you Scottish?

-I'm not Scottish.
-You seem it.

But the material... Nobody wants
to read about miserable women

because they don't exist.

Nobody cares for old-age saga

because it's terrifying
and vulgar.

It feels... Yeah, it feels
like you're sinking Chardonnay,

running at twilight,
and it's not hot.

And, uh... and you're hot.

Thank you.

Look at me.

No more late arrivals,
no more sad women,

-no more miserable conduct.
-OK.

[man] I bet you're great in bed.

[woman] Define
"letting herself go".

[man] Define
"letting herself go".

You get married
to a total babe, yeah?

Perky breasts, a nice firm arse
but she's not perfect.

You know, maybe she has a face
shaped like a crescent moon.

-Like a Punch and Judy puppet.
-But she's loyal and spirited.

-Like a collie.
-Yeah, so, it's fine.

She's got nice teeth,
she's got, you know, thick hair,

but maybe just
a slight haunch. Look...

Look, whatever, she's pretty
fucking perfect, minus the back.

But, you know,
she's got a high sex drive.

I'm not comfortable
with this tone.

This is a creative space.
A place for confession.

Let's air our grievances.

Men want someone
they can laugh with.

Someone they can sit
in silence with.

Someone they can shit
in front of.

You know, you want to revel
in their brilliance

and have them remind you
that you are a fucking man!

[man] Pete! You're late.

-Uh...
-It's fine.

Uh, big stuff emerging here.

Can we overlook aesthetic holes
in long-term relationships?

-[Pete] No.
-Thank you.

It's all getting
uglier and uglier,

that's why everything should be
done at the height of romance.

Within reason.

No, without.

Marriage, babies...

Babies should be born in love
and thrust and immediacy.

You know, these days,
we wait and wait

for everything
to align with the stars

and it just...
it doesn't happen.

And you're not in love anymore,
and you're both uglier now.

And guess what? She's infertile.

And you can't help
but lose respect for her

cos that was her thing.

Fundamentally,
that was the one thing

she could do ahead of me -
ahead of us -

and that's
what made her special.

And now I can't smell the...

I... I can't see the...

smile.

[waltz music plays]

[all arguing]

[Mandy] Yeah,
they've commissioned it.

I mean, it's one of the dreams.
As you know, I have many.

I mean, it's a chain
around my neck if I'm honest

but a welcome one.

You saw that in "The Guardian"?

In "The Guardian"?

Didn't know
it was in "The Guardian".

Google alert!

-[man arguing nearby]
-Come on, Dad. That's gross.

I didn't know what it means
to be on the board.

My name on a chair.
Wouldn't that be amazing?

Yeah, Larch is fine.

Larch is fine. I love him.

I think he'll be
into aviation, you know.

He just loves things with wings.

I don't know, I think we all
worry we're raising psychopaths.

-Plane-spotting?
-[car alarm wails]

Plane-spotting.
That would be amazing, Dad.

I mean, that would...
that would really be something.

Yeah.

So...

we're lying there
and things are progressing

and his head is moving
its way down my torso

and I feel anxious.

-Naturally.
-Naturally.

And out of the blue,
I feel like I have to comment

on the good state of my vagina.

-Because he knows I have a baby.
-Of eight months.

Of eight months...

-Of eight months.
-Yeah.

So he might be curious,
you know,

and his ex
had third-degree lacerations.

-Fuck.
-Literally front to back.

That's just a big hole.

There's no coming
back from that.

-No.
-Just a hole.

-Vaginal prolapse...
-Anyway, uh...

I say,
"My vagina's really tight."

Informative. Reassuring.

-It's in really good nick.
-Like a car?

-I go on.
-Mm.

"I had a C-section, see?"

And he's like,
"Oh, cool. Show me."

-Mm?
-Shh.

[sniffing]

-So I show him my scar, right?
-Yeah.

And he starts kissing it.

And he starts licking it,
and I'm like...

It's still raw down there,
you know?

I have very little sensation.

And he carries on, he's like,
"Oh, I love this scar!

Oh, you brought life
into the world through this!

It's so natural. So yummy!"

-It's barbaric!
-And I just wanna say to him,

"Yeah, it wasn't
your fucking child

that came out of this wall,
it was Nick's!"

He was there to witness it.

And this bloke
is getting over-sentimental

about some other man's child
during OUR sex.

-Yeah.
-And it makes me feel sick.

And sad.
[sobbing] Because I miss Nick.

-Really?
-And I can't believe...

Fuck Nick.

Who cries on coke!

Come on.

Thank you.

[woman sniffles]

[heavy knocking on door]

[dog barks, rapid knocking]

[barking continues]

Stop it.

Stop it.
Just try and stop blinking.

[barking continues]

Sorry.

I love you. I missed you today.

Your breath smells.

[barking]

Why don't they just
put the fucker down?

-Vic's here.
-[toilet flushes]

[man coughing]

[barking continues]

-Alright, Mand?
-Alright, Dad.

New van?

No.

-Lager?
-No, not for me.

Suit yourself.

It's a right
fucking mess in here.

-He made it, then.
-Yeah. He's going to Thailand.

-Is he?
-I hope he fucks a ladyboy.

Larch had a good day at school.
No kicking chickens.

Small breakthroughs.

-I got chips and curry sauce!
-[Larch] Oh, I hate curry...

[Dad chuckles]

Alright, Larchy, that's great.
Come on, get to bed.

-Stop that.
-Dad, you'll make it worse.

-Let's go.
-Go on, Larchy, get outta here.

-Vic...
-Vic, I need somewhere to live.

-She needs somewhere to live.
-It's been six years.

She raised your fucking family.

She left me.

-It was a good life.
-It was a shit life.

-It was a tribute to your life.
-I never kept you, Marion.

I never limited you.
I gave you a mile,

you never took an inch.

You had no initiative,
you had no great ambition.

I had dreams.

-No, I had no ambition, no.
-Tell you what I'll do,

I'll give you
all my money and my house

and I'll lodge with you, and
I'll pay you to cook and clean.

It'll be just like the old days,
won't it? Eh?

Here.

It's lit.

It's lit!

When the house is sold,
you can have your half,

the better half,
the larger fucking half.

You'll have something to show
for the fruits of your labour.

I'm sorry you were
so miserable, by the way.

I'm sorry
it was so fucking awful.

I would've stayed
if you hadn't made me believe

-I was losing my mind.
-Bollocks!

Now, I'll give you
an advance on the house

when I can scrape
something together.

The balance
from your trip to Asia.

oh, you fucking soul seeker.

Self-improvement, Marion,
self-improvement.

Enlightenment.
Guarantees happiness.

Ask her. Ask Mandy.

-Mm.
-You're happy, ain't ya?

-Mm.
-There you go.

[front door opens]

-Where's Vic going?
-Back to his fucking castle!

[rapid knocking]

[Larch] He's crazy.

[Mandy sighs heavily]

Are you stressed?

I'm just hot and my
bloody hands are swelling,

like I've got gout or something.

Why are you doing scary makeup?

Does it look scary?
It's supposed to look smoky.

-Like a witch?
-Do I look like a witch?

-Yeah.
-Right, well...

I'll just take it off, then.

Right, come on.
This is our next stop.

-Can you put your hair up?
-Can I just wear it down?

I just wanna...
I just wanna wear it down.

-[bus bell rings]
-Let's go. Come on.

Come on. Quick, quick, quick!

-Here we are.
-Here we are.

Welcome to my life.

-Be yourself.
-Aah!

Stop, stop that, Larch!

Don't... Just... He's fine.

You shouldn't hurt them, Larch,
they won't wanna be your friend.

Oh, er... I'm Pete.

And I love being
around your mum.

Bit strange, that.
Bit assertive.

He responds
to more gentle teachings.

Well, I'm a man, so he's
unlikely to get that from me.

-Well, don't be contrary.
-Don't be controlling.

Are we about to have
a row in front of my son?

He doesn't give a fuck.

Look, he's off kicking pigeons.

Maybe we should focus on that.
What's he doing that for?

Letting off some
seven-year-old steam?

And treat that twitching thing.

-What's wrong? Are you crying?
-No.

[she sniffles]

How to comfort a crying woman?
Uh, should I...

I don't know,
show you some money?

Business card
with your name on it?

Do you need to
make yourself cum?

I cry once a month.

Oh, God, are we
talking about bleeding?

You're a bleeder?

That's rare.

-[Larch] Does that hurt?
-No.

-It's actually quite nice. Ow!
-OK.

Have I got makeup
all over my face?

I've never seen you wear
so much makeup.

I like it.
Your face can take it.

Thanks.

[whimsical music]

[Larch shouting]

[laughter]

Is it on you?
Oh, it's all in your hair.

-Come on, just say "Hi" to them.
-Go on.

-Come on.
-It's OK.

-Brilliant, aren't they?
-See? Yay.

-They're awesome, I love them.
-Why are you scared?

Come on, just get in there.

-Come on!
-OK, maybe don't push him.

-Hi.
-See? Yay.

Hey. Oh, look,
they've got one of those...

See? Mum's not scared. Yay.

-Haaa!
-Oh, my God!

Pick a card!

Go on.

Let's have a look?
What's that one, Pete?

-It's a spade.
-Is this your card?

-Oh! Really?
-Oh, Larch. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

-I'm sorry.
-Sorry.

Sorry.

[Pete] What a great hat.

The doughnut!

-Mum!
-Thank you so much.

-The doughnut, Mum!
-What doughnut?

-Mum, the bloody doughnut!
-What doughnut?

-The doughnut!
-I'll just get you one of these.

Aaah!

-Larch, have another. Look.
-We'll get a different one.

-We'll get one of them.
-Who's that? It's an alligator.

Have a rocket or something.

Larch, get off the floor.
What are you doing?

-Off the floor.
-Mandy, he can have a rock...

-No, get up.
-Look, will you get up?

-[Larch shouting]
-Larch!

-I'll get you another one.
-They're all rubbish.

Can you do something?
This is embarrassing.

You're embarrassing yourself.

I'm trying to get him
a fucking balloon!

Put your fucking phone away!

-[Larch] Stop filming me!
-Fucking paedophile.

-What are you looking at?
-Mandy!

-Get up.
-Stop filming me!

-Larch, that's enough.
-It's none of your business!

Go away. Go away!

Go away, Pete...

Look, you are
embarrassing yourself.

-You're embarrassing all of us.
-I don't care!

But I care, actually!

Don't you laugh at me.
He's laughing at me.

-I hate you!
-Can you help me, please?

[both yelling]

Aaaah!

[Larch] What a great day.

Sorry about the screaming.

Pete seemed so stressed

but I got my
twitching down by 10%.

-What twitching?
-Yeah.

Don't forget to charge the...
[hiccups] ...iPad.

Alright.

[hiccups]

[hiccups]

Goodnight, my darling.
Such a good boy.

I love you so much it hurts.

I don't like it
when you say that.

Yeah, sorry, I always...
I always forget that.

[hiccups]

Goodnight, my darling.

Love you.

I found some booze.

Brilliant.

You have a lot of condiments
in your fridge.

Yeah. We like sauce.

End of terrace,
cul-de-sac salad cream.

Sure.

You alright?

Yeah, I mean...

I was confident that
you were not the paedophile

I once imagined

and that you would leave
our company swooning with love

and then
I would reject that love

and be on top of the world...

Stop talking. Show me your body.

Oh, right, I'll just apologise
for my son's behaviour

by sucking you off, shall I?

No, I'm OK, thank you.

I'm hideous, I warn you.

-Oh, please.
-Mm! Alright.

Just let ME do it for you, OK?

Don't come at me

like some fucking
smooth, shiny dolphin.

-None of that.
-OK, OK. Fucking hell.

I want to unveil myself to you
one piece at a time, OK?

So I can get used to you
seeing me naked

and so that
I can talk you through

what I physically hate
about myself.

I don't know what to say.

Whoo!

OK.

These are my breasts.

And this is what they
look like when I'm, like,

posing and stuff.

And then,
this is what they look like

when I'm, like, writing,
or just, like,

eating a sandwich or something.

You look like
you've swallowed a square.

And those boobs
should definitely be bigger

to make sense
of that back of yours.

Exactly.
That's exactly what I think.

OK, these are my...

These are my thighs.

The problem is actually
my femurs, you know.

They're just too long.

Just too much femur,
not enough tibia.

My feet.

Fuck, that's
nail-thickening disease.

You should get
all those nails removed.

Just take off all my toenails?

So it's just nail bed.

This is my caesarean scar.

Ah!

Argh!

It's actually, uh...

-It's not that bad.
-Please never, never touch it.

I would never touch that.
It still looks a bit angry.

Well, I could
make it up for you.

Yeah, something to cover up
the red and purple.

OK, I'm gonna show you something
really special, alright?

It's in...
It's in really good shape

and I feel like
once I've shown you this,

there will be
no flies on me, OK?

I will have totally and
physically exposed myself to you

and I will have owned it.

This is my arsehole.

[giggles nervously]

Do you like it?

I mean, me. Do you like me?

Fucking bags!

Angry bags, all over me.

-You alright, Mum?
-I'm sad.

And mad.

Pete's here.

Pete.

-Marion.
-Just came back for my HRT.

-I'll be gone in a minute.
-It's alright, Mum.

-You stayed?
-Yes.

How long?
How long you staying for?

-Indefinitely.
-He's joking. He'll be off soon.

-I'll have breakfast first.
-We don't eat breakfast here.

-I hear you're religious?
-Nothing to be scared of.

Well, we're atheists here, Pete.
It's put us in good stead.

Has it?

-I want to take her away.
-No.

-Hmm.
-I mean yes.

-What about work?
-What about Larch?

-Larch too.
-Really?

My friend, Cressida, you know,
Cressida from Development?

Not by face.

She's an old family friend.

She's getting married.
She's very likeable.

I think we should go.

We should go
and watch people being happy.

How long will it take us?

-Watch it. Out the way.
-Will the airport be busy?

You never tell me! I won't sit
next to other children,

you know that.

What?

OK, alright.

Is there wi-fi?
Answer the question, Mum!

I'm talking to you, you know!

Right, that's it!

-I'm not going.
-Larch!

Urgh!

-Larch, come on!
-I'm not going!

-No, no, no.
-Out the house. Come on.

-Come on.
-You're hurting me, Mum.

You're being violent.

-You're hurting me, Mum.
-I'm not hurting you.

Fuck!

Can we go?

Can we go?

It's not the end
of the world, Mum.

It IS the end of the world.
Actually, it is.

Did you remember my iPad?

Did you remember my iPad, Mum?

Answer the question.

Answer the question.

-I think...
-Not "think".

-I'm sure...
-How sure? How sure?

Um, 48%?

-Oh, God.
-Oh, God.

-Hi.
-Hi.

No.

No, no, no.
We are not going back.

-We're not going back.
-Look, Pete's got one.

Pete's got one.

It's 32% charged.

It's the wrong model.

-Does it have augmented reality?
-No, no, no. None of that.

OK. Can we go, please?

[yells]

[Larch yelling]

-Say, "Thank you."
-It's fine.

I'm freezing.

It's fucking fine. Jesus.

[music: "Without You In My Life"
by Johnny Lloyd and Nathan Coen]

♪ Cos I can't stand this ♪

♪ Hangin' around ♪

♪ Cos I can't love you, baby ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ In my life ♪

[dogs barking]

Just so you know, you'll be
the only atheist in there.

Don't let it unnerve you.

It's fine. It's very hard
to feel anything but sorry

for the clinically insane.

You seem anxious.

I'm anxious.

Well bloody done! You made it.

Lovers in transit.
Awfully testing.

Pete, you look awful.

-You look ill.
-Let there be wine.

Mandy.

Mandy, you are stunning.

He said that you were
and you are.

Thank you. I love your hair.

It's very hard
to work with pixie,

but you have
the most gifted jaw.

-I'm Vanessa.
-And this is Evelyn and Becky.

-Hi, nice to meet you.
-Hey. Hi.

-This must be Larch.
-Little sister.

You're at death's door.
An eating disorder, for sure.

Mum, it's time for an
intervention. You'll die, Pete.

You'll die on the street
under a flickering light.

-Mumma.
-Hi! How are you, darling?

Mandy, lovely to meet you.
We've heard a lot about you

and your full-bodied plans.

-Plans?
-Marital plans.

OK.

Is that your son over there,
kicking our dog?

-Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
-He's an angry little thing.

Mandy, I'm Bertie.
Short for Richard.

Thrilled to have you here.

And Pete is very happy.

Let's eat and talk.

-Do you like to talk?
-Yes.

Come on.

[fly buzzing]

[Bertie] Shall we?

Let us...

Let us give thanks
for these great gifts

of delicious food and wine.

Let us remember
how fortunate we are

to enjoy them

and how blessed we are

to share in the great love

around this table.

For all this,
we give great thanks.

-Amen.
-Amen.

So your mother lives with you?

-Yeah.
-Inspiring.

-You know, the Jews...
-Oh, don't mention the Jews.

The Jews got it right.

We all need a kibbutz situation.

Just put the children
in separate houses

and let us go about our work
and honour our husbands.

So, what do you make of Pete?

Do you want to settle with him?

Make him your owner?

"Owner" feels a bit strong.

-I barely know Pete.
-Larch's father,

-does he make an appearance?
-Mum!

You don't need time
to know Pete.

-Pete's a boring cunt.
-Everything you see today

is everything he is.

It's a strength and a weakness.

I'll never be surprised by him?

Surprises can be devastating.

Mandy?

Yeah, sorry, um...

Well, his father had, like...

Sorry, it's just really hard
to talk with him over there.

Great that Larch is here today.

Blinking away over there.

-What is that?
-Well, when he's anxious...

-Which is all the time, so...
-Well, Pete's a mess.

-Shut up.
-Oh, right. Well, me too.

Me too. And I'm angry.

I'm organised,
but I'm fucking furious.

Do you know, I have to get high

just to talk to my husband?

REALLY high.

It's like therapy for us.

-Well, what about God?
-Oh, God?

-Yes. Of course.
-Mandy.

I mean, he's harder to access

-than a bag of coke.
-Mandy.

-But I couldn't do
a thing without him.
-Mandy, the boy. Is he...

-Alright in the head?
-[Pete] He means "a mistake".

-Well, I wasn't gonna abort him.
-No, no. Horrible.

Not after
two terminations prior.

That's three terminations
between you.

-They deserve each other.
-I can't live on an island

dancing around my flag.

Who would I have to
thank for life? Myself?

That's an awful lot of...

Self-congratulating.

I can't love Mike without God.

I can't live every day
without thinking

somebody had a plan!

Sorry. Sorry.

I didn't know about...

What?

The abortion.

Well, nor did I
till afterwards, so...

-Sorry.
-Classic Pete.

Mindless Pete,
hopelessly thumbing it in,

impregnating some old sow.

Some 50-year-old out
and about trawling for seed.

-[glass shatters]
-Oh, God!

-Fuck a dove!
-Oh, darling...

Well done, Pete.

Every single dinner service...

[indistinct chatter]

-Should we go after him?
-No, just ignore him.

Is he always like that?

♪ Ever said these words
out loud ♪

♪ I'm happy
living on a cloud ♪

♪ Got my mind, got my soul,
got my shoulders, got my toes ♪

♪ Watch a garden grow ♪

♪ Woke up yesterday ♪

♪ Feeling OK ♪

♪ Ever said these things
in threes ♪

♪ I'm happy I'm alive... ♪

[priest] Husbands
should love their wives

just as Christ loved his church

and sacrificed himself

to keep her holy.

He made her clean
by washing her in water

with a form of words.

So that when he took her
for himself

she would be glorious.

With no speck or wrinkle,
or anything like that

but holy and faultless.

In the same way,
a husband should love his wife

as much as he loves
his own body.

For a man to love his wife

is for him to love himself.

A man must never hate
his own body

but must feed it
and look after it,

as Christ treats his church,

because it is his body

and we are all living parts!

When man and woman wed

they become one body.

In summary,

let every one of you
love your wives

as much as you love yourself.

And let every wife

respect your husband!

[Pete] Well, you chose it,
so you're stuck with it.

-So, it is what it is.
-Alright.

It's fine.

Call that a dress?
Built for the bedroom, no?

She's very sexy.

Kind of woman
you wanna breed with.

Look at Cressida,
and all you can see is milk.

Why don't you fuck her, then?

Sorry. Sorry.

-Oh, you fruits!
-You fruits!

Welcome!

Mwah!

-Hi.
-Hi.

Stealing our light.
We're rotting here.

-You're a vision.
-Hm. Suspicious dress, darling.

Not as suspicious
as that sermon.

Ruffled a few feathers,
I'm sure.

-Who chose that?
-Oh, me.

-Oh!
-I know. I know.

I'm what you call
a post-post-post-feminist.

-Just an original woman.
-Oh, Mandy.

How do you find the smothering?

Not as bad
as the hateful honesty.

Mandy, this guy...
these guys... this guy,

hellbent on love.

I hope his penis
is as big as his heart.

Oh, perfect!

You know,
take care of him, Mandy.

-He's a delicate flower, really.
-You're making her sick now.

It's hard to see that
sometimes, I know,

but that...
that's our gift as women.

We can see through
all that arrogance and rage.

But don't love light

and weaken our brand.

-Ooh!
-[laughter]

[piano plays "Swoon"
by the Chemical Brothers]

♪ Remember to fall in love ♪

♪ There's nothing else ♪

♪ There's nothing else ♪

♪ Remember to fall in love ♪

♪ There's nothing else ♪

♪ There's nothing else ♪

[music builds]

[electro beat comes in]

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

There's nothing else!

[dance music plays]

You should choose the heavy one.

No, no, not the fat one.

Fat one won't go anywhere.

Always thin. Thin is best.

Yes.

[man] Mandy?

Ugh! You look drunk!

-What are you doing here?
-What are you doing here?

It's not a competition.

I'm working with Cressida.
We're in a co-pro situation.

Wasteful piece of shit.

I'm based in LA now.
Did you know that?

Yeah, the accent.

Between you and I,
we used to fuck,

-Cressida and I.
-Why did this bird
fucking die, Mum? Mum?

Your son? The son of a fishwife.

Boy, do you kiss your mother
with that mouth?

Mandy, Larch, let's dance.

Uh...

Ah.

You look like a monkey.

So everybody says.

Your eyes are too close
together, like Granddad's.

-Like an owl?
-Like an owl.

Exactly. A predatory bird.

-Cool.
-Ooh!

What do you think, Larch?

Should we marry,
me and your mum?

She's sad. Too sad for a man.

-Do you like me, Larch?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I like you.

You're certainly strange,
but it is a strength

-that will set you aside.
-Well, you have many strengths.

Mandy, you're sending this boy
out into the world.

It's more important now
than it's ever been

-for him to be a hero.
-Or just a nice guy.

That's just what this world
needs, another nice guy!

-I really like you.
-They fare so well, nice guys.

You should know,
I don't wanna spend my life

convincing you that
what's going on here is gold.

Especially when you're wandering
around, brimming with secrets

then burning up like stars.

-Fucking women.
-It's my right to...

You would rather have your son
wandering around

believing that all his tics
and anxieties

are just his bad luck.

And not because of his cunt dad!

I was protecting him.

From what? From... from what?

A man who makes mistakes?

You were protecting yourself.

Fuck!

You know, it's like, it's like,

women live in this world
that's seen nuclear warfare.

-Yeah. It's been tough.
-And nobody lives there

but you guys.

Scratching around
for crumbs and daylight.

Your only comfort being
that you saw it all coming...

He would've made me mad.

Oh, you're already mad.
You're all mad.

-And getting madder.
-Or just better and better.

-No, you're spineless.
-Fucking hell. My God.

-Well, go on, say it.
-What is going on here?

Like, what is going...
It's like, it's like

you've all been living
under some fucking rock.

Louder, Mandy,
like you fucking mean it.

I said, what is going on here?

I said...

Hey! Oi!
Hey, fucking religious people.

Guess what?
People love cautiously now

or not at all,

and sometimes, Pete,
sometimes people live alone.

Twice divorced and gay as fuck,

and fucking richer for it.
It's so fucking cultish here.

It's like a fucking intervention
every time you open your mouth.

Stop being so impressed by it!

-[music stops]
-Ooh!

You're a sad and hopeless woman.

Your dad fucks arses.

Sorry.

[ethereal music]

[woman laughs]

[woman laughs]

Oi!

Is that your real face?

Those freckles...
they're a gift from God.

[woman laughing, soft music]

Dad.

Oh, God.

I want you to know...

I hate you, Dad.

You've made me unusable,
I'm scrap heap.

-You're a gift.
-For who?

-Whose gift am I?
-You're my gift.

A man wants to marry me, Dad.

-Why wouldn't he? Like I say...
-Look at me, Dad.

Stop that.

Stop that.

You know it's calculating

to watch the way
somebody moves their mouth.

-It's untrusting.
-Well, I am untrusting.

That my fault?
Are you gonna help me grow?

Fuck no.
I don't want you to grow.

We're all the same, Mandy,
we're all the same,

because I'm...
I'm missing a bit.

You're missing
a fucking chunk, Dad.

Mandy, people want
to move through life

with their finger on someone.
It's comforting.

I don't wanna feel comfortable,
I wanna shed skin.

Like a snake.

I wanna feel the effect
of every minute

and I wanna feel grateful for it

and I wanna fucking...
I wanna fucking wake up!

I wanna wake up and live!

Understand what I'm getting at?

I want an elaborate family tree

and for our family of followers
to look over it and say, "Wow!

That Vic was a cad!"

-Or just a cunt.
-"He lived, didn't he?"

Before he died of AIDS.

Do you remember
when you were little

and I poured that yoghurt
over your head?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or when you refused
to wear your lovely new clothes

and I made you wear a bin liner?

Mm-hmm.

And if I died...

you'd think about those things
all the time.

If you died, Dad...

I'd feel sad that you lived
such a full and colourful life

but were unable
to appreciate any of it.

I'm sorry about your mum.

Yeah. Me too.

It's awful.

-I can't believe it.
-[Marion] Really?

-We've joked about it for years.
-Yeah.

-Maybe we shouldn't have.
-No.

Can't believe
you told him first.

I tell him everything first.

Why couldn't it be him?

Why is he even here?

He wants to help.

How can you smoke?

Because I love it.

I'm not scared, Mandy.

There's no point
screaming into the wind

asking God for an explanation.

I've never asked him before.
It would seem silly.

How's Pete?

-Fuck Pete.
-Oi.

He's sunshine...

and showers, I don't know.

I can't really speak
cleverly about him.

Start with his eyes.

Er...

He... Um, they're...

Blue-grey with...

pinprick pupils.

-That's a sign of autism.
-Is it?

That and walking on your toes.
Does he do that?

No.

Sure I would've
noticed that one.

Well, you'd love him anyway.

Yeah, but with a heavy heart.

Fuck.

I don't know what sun was rising
the day that child was conceived

but it was obviously
very bad and very hot.

You know she came out
back first, like a shrimp?

Nearly killed her mother.
She tell you that?

No.

Yeah.

Is it symbolic?

Nah, she isn't interested...

Fuck!

She used to be
such a funny child.

She used to write
these little letters

and slip 'em into our pockets.

Little love letters,
little requests for money

and then, often,
little death threats.

Really? That's amazing.

What, uh...
What kind of threats?

Horrible ones, you know.

Ones that'd have you thinking.

Oh... Ha!

You seen the way she sleeps,
with that smile?

Yup. I love that about her.

What, that manic little smile?

Yes.

Suppose she's gotta smile
at something.

God, it's bloody sad.

Mind...

I know what I need to do now.

Pray.

Dear Lord.

When I am afraid

I put my trust in you.

May Marion be wrapped up
in your love.

Found deep within
your everlasting wings.

Do not let her sins
dissua... Um...

No, uh...

Deprive. Deprive.

Do... do not let her sins
deprive her of your mercy.

Let the healing power
of Christ...

help her. Amen.

Amen.

[indistinct]
Will you marry me?

What?

[louder] Will you marry me?

Yes, I'll marry you.

OK.

It's mental up here.

You know I've got vertigo?

-Yeah.
-So this is quite full-on.

-Sorry about that.
-No, it's fine.

I've got cancer.

Yeah.

Mandy asked me the other day
what colour your eyes were

-and I said I couldn't remember.
-Bit sad.

I realised I hadn't looked right
at you for almost 17 years.

Yours are hazel.

Well done.

Yours are milky, misty.
Like you've got glaucoma.

Larch says he wants to keep
everything I've ever worn.

Bit creepy.

I think it's sweet.

[he yells]

I punished you, Marion, I...

I couldn't believe you did it,
you little bitch.

You showed me right up.

You were such a ray of light
when I met you

and I just stole from you
every day.

Well, that's marriage.

Well, I never said thanks
I just ran away

and gave it to other people.

I want yours to be the last
face I see before I die.

Meet Alice.

-She's 22, with a crooked smile.
-No.

She gets a fucking
whole new mouth

by the end of the episode.

Her mouth wins wars
in the company of men.

-Intimacy?
-God, no. No.

-Alice doesn't need a man.
-Better.

-Would it be animation?
-Puppets.

Puppetry. Puppeteering.

-Christ!
-My heart. I'm excited.

Mandy? What have you
got for me, Mandy?

Mandy.

[clicks his fingers] Mandy!

The room is bathed
in southern light.

We hear the scratching sound
of pen on paper.

We follow a trail of sequins
and broken Afro.

And we find a woman on her
knees, back to the camera.

She's black.

Her arse, once a peach,
now sits sadly.

We track up her spine
to her neck.

And we recognise
the most remarkable vocal hum.

With her Afro in disarray
and madness in her eyes,

she turns to the camera.

This is Beyoncé.

And this is her suicide note.

Out.

Everyone out.

But not you.

What... I mean...

What a horrible suggestion.

What...

What do you want me
to do, uh, Mandy?

You want me to submit
some fucking suicide note

to the BBC
and call it "dramedy?"

I mean, it's absurd.
It's absurd!

And it's the most
unlikely outcome.

I mean, it doesn't even
ring true. Just...

Beyoncé...

has her fucking head
in the game.

It will end badly.

You have terrible energy.

I'll overlook that
cos your mother's dying

but, fuck, I warned you.

And you're so pretty.

Why do you do this to me?
To yourself?

OK, what... What are you doing?

Where... Where are you going?

Oh. Oh! Oh, I see.
You're fired. You're fired.

You're fucking fired!

OK, can... Can we get you all...

Can we get you
back in here, please?

[music: "No Prospects"
by Johnny Lloyd and Nathan Coen]

[Marion laughing,
lighter clicks]

[Vic] You want that?
It wasn't for you.

Don't.

I'm gonna ask you some questions

-and I want some...
-Jesus.

That's your gift to me.

Alright, go on then.

Did you spend that money,
from my mum

on that dirty brown Merc?

Yeah.

Did you sleep with Carla
behind my back?

That's one of
Mandy's little fantasies.

Did you have an affair
with Rebecca Staines?

You and me hadn't
had sex for months.

Did you have an affair
with Rebecca Staines?

-I'm confused.
-I'm dying, Vic.

No, Marion.

I did not have an affair
with Rebecca Staines.

Thank you.

[Vic] Fucking hell.

[Pete] Fuck.

-[Mandy] You're not hard.
-[Pete] I'm not into it.

My mum's dying
in the room next door

I'm on the bed
about to suck your cock,

can you just get into it,
please?

Shall I talk some filth
in your ear?

Alright.

I fucked
someone else last night.

Yeah?

I didn't want to,
but you'd made me sad.

Then he touched my leg

and didn't ask me for anything
and that was a relief.

Where did you meet
this stranger?

In the coffee shop.

What man drinks coffee
late at night?

A sober man. A kind man.

He told me I was
the prettiest girl in London.

Oh, Christ!

And I loved that.

And I thought, "I want this
kind of encounter for life."

-[Pete groans]
-Are you... Are you crying?

No, I'm just...

He promised to never love me

-but to always fuck me.
-Oh, I'm cumming!

-I told him to cum inside of me.
-Oh, yes. I'm cumming!

-And he did.
-Oh, fuck.

-He came inside my pussy.
-Oh, God! Fuck!

Fuck! Ooh!

Fucking hell!

Fuck's sake!

When Nan dies, will she...

Nan says when she dies

she'll just be bones
in the ground

and that she'll be eaten
by insects.

Nan said that?

Why won't she go to heaven?

She doesn't believe in heaven.

Why not?

People believe
in different things.

I want to go to heaven.

Why?

Because it's warm and
better than Earth, of course.

Mum! You'll be there, won't you?

-You'll be there, won't you?
-Larch.

-You'll be there in Heaven!
-Stop it.

-Stop it. Larch.
-You're scaring me, Mum.

Do you not wanna be
in Heaven with me?

Course you do!
Of course you believe in Heaven.

That's idiotic if you don't.

Don't you? Don't you?

Don't you?
You believe in Heaven!

You do. You believe in Heaven!

Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

[Larch yelling]

Course you do.
Don't you? Don't you?

Of course you believe in Heaven.

Don't you? Don't you?

Aaah!

Aaah!

Hey.

Oh!

[emotive piano plays]

[Pete] Oh, Lord, help me.

Help me, Lord.

She's a woman in a crisis.

She's a woman
without boundaries.

Something we share, perhaps.
Should be fun, shouldn't it?

Should be hot, shouldn't it?

I'm exhausted.

You've tried me, Lord.

You've led me here, you've
delivered this anarchist

and I know,
"Suffer, suffer. Grow, grow."

But I just wanna suffer
in a corner

till she shows me forever.

And what of this man
she's fucking in grief?

This coffee shop predator?
Is this my future or a test?

I can't know.

Maybe she was comforting me
with this filth.

It worked.
She's fucking perverse.

I hate how small
my penis looks in her hands.

What are big hands good for,
anyway? Building walls?

I just wanna hold a normal hand.

A slight and manageable palm

that willingly joins me
on this journey.

I wanna hold a hand.

I'm going to hold a hand.

Are you not in love
with me anymore?

What?

Am I not shiny enough?

Just tell me about your day.

Well...

I woke up, I saw you.

I felt guilty.

I thought about having a wank,

but then I decided
to do some work on the wedding

and then I'd reward myself
with a wank.

-We could've just had sex.
-Nah.

Let's go home and make a baby.

I only produce strange children.
You said so yourself.

Why are you being like this?

Why are you placating me?
I'm fucking giving you nothing.

-Just be a fucking man.
-Just trying to be respectful.

Why? Just be yourself, Pete.

Just tell me I'm stupid,
or damaged.

You... you fucking...
you just smack of guilt.

You fucking reek of it.
What did you do, Pete?

-What did you do, Pete?
-Fucked someone else.

Hm?

I took myself
and all that rejection

and headed into town.

Right, I wasn't looking at you
for longer than five minutes?

I got fired, is that it?

No, I was happy
when you were fired.

You were happy?

It made you vulnerable for once.

And don't talk to me about
my indiscretions, darling.

I think we're both enjoying
something progressive here.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know
what I'm talking about.

-Slag.
-What?

You know, I want you to know.

I couldn't get it up.

Alright? I couldn't.

[Mandy laughs]

Did you fuck
that coffee shop gigolo?

The man from the other night.

The night of tall tales.

What? What?
I'm just being a man.

Be a fucking hero.

Rise above it.

[tap dancing]

[tap dance and jazz plays]

[cheering and applause]

Hi!

[men shouting]

[arguing indistinctly]

You are a fucking fool, Marion.

Sometimes
you behave like a fool.

I've had it up to here with
you all these fucking years!

[arguing continues]

And I hate that jumper!

I've hated that jumper
for fucking years!

[Marion] That's
why I fucking wear it!

[Vic] I know!

[arguing continues]

[applause]

[ethereal music plays]

[people singing]
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la ♪

[Marion] A man will
always send you mad, Mand.

Always squirrel
a bit of yourself away.

Never ever fully disclose
yourself to anybody.

I don't want you
to forgive your father

but, I don't know,
maybe you should.

Got a light?

[gentle music]

[life-support monitor beeping]

[Marion] I'm scared.

[beeping flatlines]

[ethereal music]

[banging]

Thank you.

Mandy...

Knowing Man... Mandy...

♪ He loves me ♪

♪ Doo-wop-wop-wop ♪

♪ I'll be asleep ♪

♪ Doo-wop-wop-wop ♪

♪ I'm feeling
quite different today ♪

♪ Doo-wop-wop-wop ♪

[woman]
I love and I respect myself.

[woman 2] Even though
I'm a failure, I love
and respect myself.

Even though I'm a failure...

[man] Even though I'm a fraud,
even though I'm scared,

I still love and respect myself.

[Pete] Thanks for seeing me.

Did I break up a party?

Not this time.

You look, um...
well, you look lighter.

Since the funeral, I mean.

I'm sorry about
the speech that day.

Oh, it's fine.

Why are you here, Pete?

Holding my massive hand?

I've found my girl.

Yeah, just when, uh...

I was about to turn my back
on God, Meredith arrived.

-Out of the blue.
-Or the red.

Like you, she's had a rough time

but she's young, so...

You know,
I'd never thought about

how much I hated God
until I met you.

Sorry.

Why?
You don't believe in anything.

Maybe I do.

I miss your misery.

Meredith is beautiful

but she is impressed
by everything.

Well, that's youth.

I suppose it works in my favour,
she thinks I'm great.

That's what you wanted.

Yeah.

I needed that.

-My ticking's back.
-No, it isn't.

Yeah, it is.

Come here.

Listen, if I marry Meredith,

I'll never divorce her,
so this is...

Mandy!

Mandy!

Mandy!

Every day I spent with you,
a little piece of me died.

It's called a relationship,
you fucking idiot.

Classic male bullshit.

I felt like you sat

right in the way
of what made me strong.

And it was a relief.

What do you want, religious man?

I want to feel...

-Ugh.
-Ugh.

I wanna feel...
I wanna feel hopeful.

I wanna feel hopeful

that if this woman
walks away from me right now

she's gonna be alright,
but I don't know if she will.

-[all clamouirng]
-Oh, she will!

You swine!

-Fuck off!
-Yes, I will!

[Pete] Well, what do you want?

[women] What do you want?

[women] What do you want?

What do you want?

I want a five-hour day.

And I want a fuck-off promotion.

I want to make stew
that keeps.

-You don't need to make stew.
-I want to have time

to share it with my son.

I want to masturbate less.

-What?!
-Oh, I love masturbating.

I want to like myself more.

I want a man.

[women clamouring]

No!

I told you this. Come on, Mand.

Fuck this.

I'd like a man.

A kind man.

But you're not the one, Pete.

You're your mother's ruin.

The problem with you, Pete,
is you're mean when you're hurt

but you're hurt all the time.

You're broken, Mandy.

I know.

Just, just...
just think about your son.

I am.

[acoustic guitar plays]

♪ And I was there
when the wave it hit ♪

♪ The asteroid struck,
disease set in ♪

♪ The market crashed,
balloon it burst ♪

♪ The sun burned out,
the bands all quit ♪

♪ Traffic stopped,
the oil ran dry ♪

♪ The garden died... ♪

I love you.

I love you too.

♪ The drugs ran out
Yeah, I was there ♪

♪ But I... ♪

♪ Didn't feel a thing ♪

♪ Cos the world
it keeps on turning ♪

♪ Even when you're
living in your dreams ♪

[both scream]

♪ And I was there
when the music died ♪

♪ The bath went cold,
the radio went quiet ♪

♪ The sky collapsed,
the people cheered ♪

♪ TV screens all disappeared ♪

♪ God is dead
Fade to black ♪

♪ Took too much
Heart attack ♪

♪ Throw your hands up
in the air ♪

♪ Say goodbye, yeah,
I was there, but I... ♪

♪ I-I didn't feel a thing ♪

♪ Cos the world
it keeps on turning ♪

♪ Even when you're
living your dreams ♪

♪ So live this life
and live it long ♪

♪ Love yourself and sing along ♪

♪ And travel far
and travel deep ♪

♪ Hold on tight
to the dreams you keep ♪

♪ Live it fast
and rob and steal ♪

♪ And scream it loud
and turn the wheel ♪

♪ Fall in love
till the sun comes up ♪

♪ Till your bones give in,
till you've had enough ♪

♪ Of all this ♪

♪ All this ♪

♪ And do it your own way ♪

♪ Cos the world
it keeps on turning

♪ There's always
gonna be another day ♪

[music: "Without You in My Life"
by Johnny Lloyd and Nathan Coen]

♪ So say it's forever, baby ♪

♪ Just me and you ♪

♪ Just take my hand now, baby ♪

♪ You're making me blue ♪

♪ Fly me away now, honey ♪

♪ Just me and you ♪

♪ Just take my hand now, baby ♪

♪ You're making me blue ♪

♪ Cos I can't stand this ♪

♪ Hangin' around ♪

♪ Cos I can't love you, baby ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ In my life ♪

[vocals harmonising]

♪ Cos I can't stand this ♪

♪ Hangin' around ♪

♪ Cos I can't love you, baby ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ In my life ♪

[tapping dancing]

[jazz and tap plays]