Original subtitles

Previously on Nurse Jackie...

Fuck.

The diocese is deconsecrating this chapel.

They're taking my statues.

This is the one that matters the most to me.

We're stealing her.

- You have a bunion. - No, I don't.

Your mother and I are getting a divorce.

He's handling this better than I thought.

I just love being with you.

Where is Kevin? Relax.

I told him I'd watch the kids

so he could get his ass to an Al-Anon meeting.

He doesn't talk about it and that fucks him up.

Why are you texting Tunie?

She texted me first.

This is my sister-in-law, Eddie.

And you're telling me this why?

'Cause I don't wanna see you get sucked in.

How much you got?

Two hundred bucks.

I'm rooting for you.

Oh, my God. Dad. Dad.

When you google Lucifer,

you get 42 million results in 0.1 seconds.

Homework.

Forty-two million? How do you pick?

I go by pictures of paintings or whatever.

He was God's favorite,

but he tried to make his throne higher than God's,

which was, you know, greedy.

So that's why God cast him out.

But he didn't care. He still wanted to be God,

so he made himself god of hell.

And then they all lived happily ever after.

Grace, honey, go sit over there with Tunie and Fi, please.

I'll be there in a second.

No, I got it. I got it. Go sit.

The devil, really?

Oh, God, look at that.

"Lucifer, fallen angel, Satan, devil, Justin Bieber."

I smell a week of nightmares.

Very grateful for Justin Bieber right about now.

Yeah, that might have been Tunie.

Seriously, Fi, let's say you wake up in a jail cell,

like in Miami or something, and you only get one phone call,

and this goes for you, too, Grace.

You've already got them in jail?

Yeah, but don't worry about it. I'm bailing them out.

Anyway, they're only gonna give you one call.

Use it on me.

I'm that call. I will do everything in my power to fix it.

Yes, that is a wonderful plan,

except for the fact that your Aunt Tunie is probably already in the next cell.

So good luck with that.

I can say whatever the hell I want!

Why don't you shut up?

What did I tell you? Get out of my bar.

It's okay, guys. It's okay.

I wasn't gonna hit them. I was just trying to scare them.

You think it worked?

That was pretty brave of your dad, huh?

Yeah, you guys are lucky. I mean, he'll protect you.

Your dad is a badass.

Sorry.

I miss you.

Hey.

Coffee. My hero.

Thank you. I'm gonna get the girls up.

Mom.

Fiona.

Hey.

Gracie.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. You love us the same.

You don't have to make such a big deal out of everything.

Well, that's too bad 'cause I was gonna make a big deal about breakfast,

you know, make you whatever you want. But if you don't care...

We care. I care.

All right, let's go.

What are you thinking?

Waffles. GRACE: Pancakes.

Well, I'll make one or the other. I can't make them both.

So what are you thinking?

Waffles. GRACE: Waffles.

All right.

Lily Chung is on her way to DC to schmooze with the Obama people

and I'm stuck on a curb watching pirates gut my chapel.

Pirates!

Anything I can do?

Everybody gripes about not enough help,

so I scoured the budget and hired a temp.

His name is Kelly.

Don't eat him alive.

What if I get hungry?

Resist the urge.

You coming?

I'll be there in a sec.

Hey, Jackie.

Morning.

You got a sec? Sure.

I don't really know how to say this.

Um...

There's been a little bit of momentum between me and Tunie,

and Kevin really wants me to ask her out, so...

Weird. Huh?

You're asking for my permission?

No.

Because you're a big boy. Right.

No, it's more like a heads-up situation.

Got it.

I thought a lot about it.

I think I'm gonna take her over to the Museum of Natural History.

She will love that.

Lower East Side robbery, 25-year-old female,

innocent bystander, caught a bullet in the arm.

BP is stable. Pulse is good.

You better not have left my dog there. Where's my dog?

Thirty-five-year-old male, first on the scene,

found down, difficulty breathing.

BP started out at 160/100, but he's good now.

What do you mean good? I got trampled.

Dude, your foot.

Blew out my Achilles. Epic.

That's rough, bro.

Yo, trampled here. Come on.

Hey, can I have the gunshot?

Mind your own business, Dr. Cooper.

Easy, bossy. You're not chief yet.

Hi, honey. I'm Jackie.

Hey, everything all right? My name's Kelly.

You're at All Saints. You're gonna be okay.

Just hold on for a sec. You're gonna be fine.

You, go and assist Dr. Cooper.

Got it.

You hanging in there? Where's my dog?

Can you wiggle your fingers?

One minute he's up. The next minute, I'm like, "Where the fuck did he go?"

Everybody's running for cover and Ryan's getting jostled like Raggedy fucking Ann.

Jostled? I got pummeled.

Probably got boot marks and internal bleeding.

I think I need morphine, Doc.

I don't see any boot marks. Shut up.

Calm down, Ryan.

All non-essential persons out now.

Everyone, out.

Waiting room, guys.

Seriously, Doc, I need something for the pain.

It's fucking killing me here.

On a scale from one to 10? Eleven.

I got you.

Let's throw a little morphine his way.

Mia, can you tell me where your pain is?

Feels like I got punched. It's fine.

But I am gonna go apeshit if someone doesn't tell me where my dog is, truly.

Awesome dog. She's in my rig. It's all good.

Found this on the gurney. Went right through her arm.

You always smell so nice.

Yeah, I'm out.

Kelly, that's a girl's name.

Bet they gave you shit growing up.

Well, they might have given it, but I never took it, that's for sure.

I feel you. I'm the same way, man. The same way for sure.

Fuck, I think I broke a rib.

Let's get some films on him and check it out.

Kelly's gonna call x-ray.

We go first.

I need to rule out remaining bullet fragments.

Pain, one to 10?

Two.

Don't let him leave with my dog.

I won't.

That better not be a dog.

It's not.

Actually, I'm a little bit allergic to dogs.

You've got a wall full of Zyrtec.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

I was doing so good. And then, pow! Divorce.

Pow! I wanna be chief. Pow! I wreck my foot.

What did I ever do?

Short list or long list?

I'm gonna ignore you right now until I feel safe.

My tic is back. I came this close to grabbing Akalitus' tit.

Fucking Akalitus. She knew, too.

Fuck.

If I wasn't using my hand to lean on this crutch...

I mean, I can't even...

So you're using the crutch as a crutch?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Okay. Okay, I feel safe now.

So here's the thing,

I'm gonna need a little extra TLC on the floor today.

I believe in you, Coop.

That was from love, right?

Please? No.

I don't believe for a minute that you're a nurse.

I'll answer whatever I can.

You'll do nothing of the kind.

She looks like someone who gives eardrops

to old cats.

That is the same getup they wear in the veterinary offices.

Hi, guys.

Oh. What have you done to your hair?

Mom. This is Tottie.

She's 95 and she had an incident at Jersey Boys. That's all I could get.

She had heart palpitations and chest pain.

Well, it's a bizarre show.

No, it's not. It's a wonderful show.

I loved it.

People like it.

People are idiots.

Were you with her at the time?

No. I got a call from a nurse's aide from St. Albans.

Ah.

What have we here?

Finally, a woman who's not wearing trousers.

All yours.

Oh, my God, he's in your chair.

It's Haiti, man, all right?

And they got nothing. And when I say nothing,

I mean, like, I'm using a shoelace to tie off a gusher

and grabbing fucking dish soap from the rubble to wash out a wound.

And that's on a good day.

I will take him out back and school him.

Look, here's the truth, you gotta take your skills and travel,

even if it's to another hospital.

These nurses that stay in one place,

it's deadly, man. I mean, they're off their game.

Were you sitting here?

It's her desk!

My mistake. Didn't know you all had assigned desks.

We don't.

Oh. Squatter's rights. I respect that. That shit is real.

Hey... Um...

Sorry if I muscled in on your gunshot.

In trauma? Your gunshot?

I didn't notice.

Oh, snap.

No, we don't say that anymore.

For real. That either.

You okay? You tolerating the pain okay?

Yeah, no, it's fine.

Can you do me favor, though? Can you call my sister?

She works at Blue Ribbon on Sullivan. I need her to come get my dog.

What's your sister's name? Hayley.

You got it.

Quick question. And tell me the truth, not that you wouldn't tell me the truth.

Thor. What do you think of Kelly?

I think he's great. I am so relieved.

I think he's amazing.

Blood sugar? Why? Do I seem light-headed?

A tiny bit.

Looks good. No fractures.

You go to med school? No.

Yeah, well, no offense. I'd rather have the doc's opinion here.

Yo, Kel, I got it.

Well, you got the wind knocked out of you, that's for sure,

but the ribs look good. Nice and clean.

No. I mean, I heard a crack. Plus, I felt it.

I mean something definitely popped.

I know my body, man.

Hey, what happened to your foot?

My grandmother had one of those after bunion surgery.

This? No, please.

Trashed my Achilles playing hoops.

Massive, as in, it's a miracle I still have a foot.

Bunion.

No.

Jeez, that must've killed. Huh?

Dude, you have no idea.

We're out of ideas. If she's thrown out of St. Albans,

she'll end up with me.

My wife will leave. She's 45. She'll do it.

Let's not catastrophize. There are options.

And they've tried them all.

Xanax, Valium, b-cog, art therapy.

Good Lord! Art therapy?

Could you give us a moment?

Wow, you were hungry.

You want me to get you another pudding? I can totally score more.

No, but you know what would be great?

You know that guy that brought me in, cute with a beard?

He took care of my dog.

Will you give this to him?

You mean Lenny?

You want me to thank him for you?

Um.

I kinda wanna ask him out.

Ah. Yes.

That's a seven?

Will do.

So, Tottie, one last question,

do you now or have you ever had a problem with alcohol?

Yes, prohibition.

Yes, it was a dark time in your country's history. I'd have fled.

Are you ever able to enjoy a cocktail at St. Albans?

No. They give us fruit juice during happy hour.

It's humiliating.

My husband and I used to travel a lot.

Every day at 5:00

we'd have a little sherry.

We had such a good time.

How would you feel about a glass of sherry a day, doctor's orders?

Oh, I'd be delighted.

Just a reminder, Percocet for the gunshot in four.

Oh, that awful hair.

Hey, no hooch for you if you can't behave.

I wish it were broken 'cause, you know, I went through something.

And no one can see the pain I'm in.

That whole shaking it off thing, what is that?

My parents are getting divorced.

I can barely get out of bed in the morning.

That's rough, man.

You remember when you were a kid

you could whimper a little?

Your old man, he'd just... No old man. Two moms.

Now just one. It's not even the one I like.

And no one around here even gives a shit.

Hey, I give a shit.

Pain is pain.

I don't know, there might be a hairline fracture in there somewhere.

Right? Tell you what,

I'm gonna tell your friends out there that you broke all your ribs

and that you're lucky to be alive.

Fuck, man.

You're gonna make me cry.

I used to work with this kid in the Bronx who went off a roof.

I do some work up there with at-risk teens.

That's cool.

I'm trying to get my sobriety back. It ain't easy.

Keep coming back. It works if you work it.

I hear you, man.

Sam, take them to the waiting room.

Now, please. I'm on it.

You gonna let her talk to you like that?

It's just the way she talks, bro.

Here he is.

Oh! The nerd. The nerd.

Crap. Really?

Nerds end up rich.

I wish Dad was a nerd.

Your dad is a nerd.

Hello?

Hey, Jackie.

You know where Kevin is?

Tried his cell, he's not picking up. He's at a softball game.

And FYI, he is in an awesome mood.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Don't ask me how, but he found out you're going to those meetings.

He's like a new guy.

Well, what can I say? It works if you work it, right?

All right, I'll see you later. Bye.

Hi. Hey.

Why am I here? Oh, Percocet. O'Hara's gunshot.

Kelly picked it up, then came back, swapped it out for Motrin.

The patient was tolerating the pain.

Score another one for the female of the species.

You guys are rockin' it.

Okay.

You okay?

Please don't go out with Tunie.

Bingo.

You okay?

No.

You know, Kevin's being a dick.

But what are you gonna do?

We could talk.

Yeah?

If you'd like.

That would be great.

Oh!

Advice, please.

Only if it's about a patient.

Naturally. Strictly professional.

Your patient has requested that I give her number to Lenny.

Okay, not so strictly. But come on, you're you.

Well, let's see. If it were me...

This is amazing. Keep going.

I'd burn it and throw the ashes to the wind.

Do you like living in a hotel?

Actually, no. I'm looking to buy a place.

Shut up! 'Cause I'm moving to the city.

What neighborhood? We could be neighbs.

I'll keep you in the loop.

Like you could ever afford to live in the same neighborhood as her.

She's rich, dude.

How do you know I'm not?

I'm not rich, but that was rude of him.

Okay, that is no.

The eagle flies at dawn.

Excuse me?

No, I was just... Spy talk?

Look, I don't know what his deal is,

but Kelly keeps taking your desk.

And I have told him on more than one occasion, that it is your...

Zoey, it's okay. Go easy on him. He's new. It's fine.

Give me what the lady had.

No. Got any Sour Patch Kids?

Boober.

Want a bite?

This is for you.

Do what you want.

What?

There was a number on there.

Was it yours? No.

Like I have time for anyone except you.

It's fucking sad in here.

I wrote a prescription for six ounces of sherry, to be taken once a day.

Can you fill it?

No.

But I have Jameson.

Last call for all that is good and holy.

That ain't me.

Love you. See you. Cheers. See you later, Jackie.

Hey, just wanted to say thanks for a great first day.

See you. Yeah, see you.

Don't tell me you were nice to the new guy.

I don't know. You looked like you could use a miracle.

Here you go, lady. You gotta sign it.

Say goodbye to your saints, huh.

Never.